#because its just all so... cohesive? idk if thats the right word

[jojotichakorn]

my school president is so fucking perfect from start to finish sometimes i think it's not real. but it is. it wasn't a dream. holy fuck.

[blueeandyellowmakesgreen]

I think many bylers are setting themselves up for getting blindsided bc they think that Mike lied in his monologue. Like I dont think he lied. He believes in the words he said and I also dont think he realizes he doesnt love El romantically. I dont think he's figured out he loves Will. I honestly think he still thinks he is in love with El. He knows something is off and they dont work but I dont think he knows or understands that he isnt inlove with her. I dont think he understands the nature of his feelings towards Will even by the end of S4. I dont think he fully understands it tbh. And this ia a very unpopular and controversial opinion among the byler community but i think many bylers are reading the situation wrong most of the time and bc of that they are gonna get blindsided again just like how they got blindsided by the monologue. Many of them saying theres no way Mike could give a monologue to El bc it is too obvious and expected and its not gonna happen bc Mike has already figured out his feelings etc etc and look how that ended up..... and now many of them thinking Mike lied in his monologue too. Like.... that is basically reading the situation wrong im sorry. Mike is still oblivious to his feelings and Will's feelings for him.

i do still feel like hes aware of his underlying feelings for will due to his weird behavior and mannerisms in s4, like thats just not heterosexual behavior bestie! but i do agree that he genuinely believes he loves her, which he will find out soon is not romantic at all, nor was it love at first sight. it was misplaced, and spontaneous. he basically just said that out of desperation.

and with his feelings for will in consideration and what he's going through, things can overlap, things can get overwhelming. idk i cant really make my thoughts cohesive right now because theres so much in mike's character that other people put in much better words than i ever could, but i can only imagine the crisis mike was going through tbh, i feel so bad for him

[surpriserose]

All of them 😈 for casu please <3 forces u to develop lore at gunpoint

OUUGHHH >:( some were already answered you know the drill

🎵 - What are 3 songs you associate with them?

Okay well i tried to listen to death grips because thats her stands name and i rly only liked two songs which are hustle bones and ive seen footage and i need to listen to more but i do associate them with casu but its just because of the stand zgwushsksk

Um dont fear the reaper by the blue oyster cult i mean...obvious reasons with the whole death slash mortician slash decay thing....fuck it she gets dust in the wind by kansas too <3

✨ - What are some things you associate with them? (Something like fire, a certain flower, an item, ect.)

Those flowers that smell like corpses the rafflesia? Also vileplumes since thats the flower theyre based on sgushzjska

Bird skulls, crows, maggots, you know the usual

Also like dark purple and silver :)

🌼 - What is their voice like?

I think she has like a husky voice i think thats the right word its kind of deep idk its nice to listen to but also she talks kind of fast :) i dont have a voice claim though like i dont really do those? Xysyzuqkzkhx

🍁 - Can they be intimidating?

Yes <3 i think its more like oh god i do NOT want to talk with this person or approach them they have terrible vibes but idk i think shes usually trying to look unassuming like literally that meme with like come here i wont hurt you i am a normal person on top of text thats like i want to do so much damage to you i am absolutely unhinged

🍊 - Who is someone they can be vulnerable around?

I have decided.....her family is still alive shes got like parents and brother (although when i like make a cohesive back story slash canon for casu hes probably gonna be super dead sorry) and hes probably the only one shes vulnerable with

Shes not great ar vulnerability at all she just ignores all her problems and most of her feelings by making problems for other people :)

❄️ - What hurts their feelings the most?

I think its very hard to genuinely hurt her feelings? And i cant think of anything that would? Shes not unfeeling or like doesnt have opinions but shes used to people hating her because she sucks so stwhhxisks And shes definitely not going to show any indication if someone did i think it would take something pretty extreme to get her to do more than i fake oh no ���� my feelings 🥺

[tapsoda]

stocean says something great about both jotaro and jolynes characters. jotaro being the type that takes all the weight onto his own shoulders. even if it means his kid will hate him he wants to make that sacrifice for her safety. when it doesn’t work and she gets used as bait to trap him he goes there anyway. it’s plain (and painful) to see in his actions that he fundamentally believes he is responsible for everything.

jolyne has every right to hate the man that abandoned her. he’s barely a father. but what gets me about her is that the moment jotaro (standless) tells her he’s always cared about her something inside her snaps. she is fundamentally loving and forgiving and there lies her strength. i’m not implying that he is Immediately Totally Forgiven, more talking about the fact that it would have been so easy to abandon him and just go but at that moment jolyne decides she will fight with everything she has to get him back. i think that trait of hers deserves so much more praise. also something something about jotaro jolyne being similar here that i can’t put into words

do i wish the story had been written better? did jotaro and jolyne deserve better writing + could they have benefitted from more continuity? absolutely. but jojo being the action battle manga or whatever that it is i kind of get why jolyne wasn’t put into the story earlier … but these aspects of jotaro’s character have always been here!!! they are only expanded upon! and they both are so interesting. this is more of a ramble than it is a cohesive ask but i could talk at length about them forever … what i mean to say here is i rly appreciate seeing those thoughts from u

OH MY GOD EXACTLY. no literally stocean is so impactful for its reliance on the past of the characters from parts ago, its interesting to see how the relationships play out through actions more than words. because thats just so fitting for two characters who are stubborn and closed off from each other, but coming from a place of this same mutual feeling of love and confliction. its not just "oh she loves her dad" or "oh he loves his daughter" they both have "BUT-" at the end of those statements

like you said, sooooooo true!!! i think jolyne hating the man who abandoned her is so justified and important to her character, it shaped her as a person, its inseparable to her strength while still being a weakness to her. LIKE GOD IDK HOW TO SAY THIS BUT YEAH WHEN HE TELLS HER HE ALWAYS CARED? the way she snaps up and you just SEE how her relationship changes with him after that. not immediate or completely forgiven or anything like that but you see that drive she had to get him to notice her (years of small crime yadda yadda) come back up and go "oh." like she cares, she cares a LOT about him and what he thinks!! she could have left him like he asked her to (OW) and gotten on the submarine but she stuck to saving him. ive seen ppl say b4 “ugh why he wasnt even in her life, why be there for him” and im like.... stunned by how bad the mischaracterizations people will have for jjba? because it only makes sense for jolyne to risk everything to get him back. i really do think her ability to love and keep going for others out of hope and forgiveness deserves SO much more praise and recognition too!!! its a character strength u dont see done very often especially done well... and its still a gradual thing too which is rlly neat to see her constantly have moments where ppl will bring up shes doing all this for jotaro and shell be shocked at herself for a second IDK I JUST FIND THAT SO REFRESHING... 

with continuity i get why she wasnt brought up sooner too because retconning and pt4 already had a lot going on i guess they didnt wanna have a subplot of conflicted jotaro with his child back in america, but i still wish it was talked about more pre-stoncean BUT THESE APSECTS ABOUT JOTARO HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THERE !!! i think thats why hes one of my favorites just because of the amount of time the series gave him to develop. like looking at sdc jotaro and stocean jotaro isnt as shocking of a change solely because he was given time in sdc and diu to be expanded upon for his new solemness and distance. i think its heart wrenching how he probably wants to be a dad, or just present in general in relationships but he knows hes just not meant to be. he doesnt doubt the fact that everything is his fault. “its always me.” LIKE!  i will never understand the arguement ppl use that hes selfish for real cuz his whole thing is just..... disappearing so no one has to deal with his “curse”, which doesnt sound selfish at all in context of the plot/mindset. hell in diu he literally almost dies every episode hes in and hes so willing to if itll help those around him. him and jolyne both have this sort of unspoken devotion to being dependable and reliable when it comes down to it!! UM TYSM FOR SENDING THIS YOURE SO GOOD AT PUTTING IT INTO WORDS IDK WHAT TO SAY OTHER THAN I AGREE W U SOOO MUCH. and that i appreciate you caring for what i had to say about it !!! its soooo important to me so this made me smile kjfkvj 

[dork-empress]

Worst of 2019

I’ll start with this right now: I haven’t seen Cats yet. I probably will, but I couldn’t morally watch it opening weekend, and then there were just....other better ones.

I’ll also say, not all of these are BAD movies, and none (well maybe a couple) shouldn’t be shamed by the creators. This is determined by my own personal enjoyment, and until someone wants to pay me to do reviews, meh.

So, 5 that didn’t make the list (most of which I actually did like, but were just ok) Tolkien, Late Night, Spies in Disguise, Charlies Angels, Ready or Not.

#10 Frozen 2

THATS RIGHT I”M COMING AT YOU DISNEY. While Frozen 1 I considered good but overrated, this one....alright, it looked beautiful, and most of it would be harmless fun, but...IDK. The story seemed weak to me, the humor mostly came from things that I don’t like (Olaf can MELT) And just. I don’t know, it didn’t work for me.

#9 The Addams Family

This one hurt because I was really looking forward to it, but it was kinda just....blah. It had some really good bits in it. What really hit me was....when you make villains so incredibly...I don’t know the word, but like, they specifically and used words to say ‘conformity is good’ or something....it bugs me. I know there’s a necessity to make things clear to kids, but I worry that children will see this and think that’s what it looks like in the real world and like. Not recognize actual bullying and pushes to conformity when they see it. IDK.

#8 Godzilla King of Monsters

So this was the first Godzilla Movie I had ever seen? And like. It was ok, I think? It had some cool shots in there, and I loved Mothra, but I think it didn’t have the heart I look for in movies. Am I expecting too much from a movie called Godzilla King of Monsters? Probably. But anytime humans were on screen I was just tired. Honestly, if they had done a dialogue-light movie focusing on the monsters, that might have been more interesting.

#7 X-Men Dark Phoenix

I actually didn’t see this when it came out, I saw it on a plane a few days ago, and I’ll be real, wasn’t as bad as I was expecting. They backpedalled the biggest thing from X-men 3 of “Charles Xavier: mind manipulator” as a thing that was unequivocally wrong, but like. Meh, it was fine. Didn’t make much sense. But fine. Jennifer Lawrence finally got out of there, bet she’s happy.

#6 The Lighthouse

This one wasn’t bad, and some people would put it on their best of list. I think technically speaking (as in, the techniques) its very well done. But I. It was hard to care about it. But it’s fine.

#5 Missing Link

I keep rooting for Laika because I WANT them to do well and I can see it’s a crazy amount of work but. Oh god was this boring. Just...just so boring. I was hoping I’d fall asleep. Also they narrowly avoided that bland romance bullet, but it was still too close. Also the main character is terrible.

#3 Alita: Battle Angel

This looked really pretty, but was clearly a manga that had been adapted and didn’t feel like a cohesive movie. If they could get the budget, it might have been a better TV show. IDK. They thought they were getting a sequel which was cute. Oh well.

#3 Once Upon a Time in Hollywood

Boring until I physically couldn’t watch ‘cause of the violence. Felt like....bad taste. I can’t pinpoint it. I didn’t know much about the Mason family, but after watching, it feels like. Like Tarantino was purposefully making them bad guys ‘cause they were hippies and not racist cultists. This seems....REALLY bad coming from a guy who is often critiqued for not being progressive. Eek.

#2 Isn’t it Romantic

Oh man, I had hopes for this movie, to show the actual good and bad of Romantic Comedies. But instead the whole thing was “hey you know this trope? It sure is a trope.” And despite what it thinks, it’s not the first to show the ‘i just need to love myself and I’ll find love’ idea. Meh.

#1 Ugly Dolls

I watched this movie because of a dreadful mistake. But I did watch it. This goes back to the idea of conformity I mentioned with the Addams Family. This one had a very “I don’t care if you’re black, white, or purple owo” kinda vibe and reeked of capitalism. Eeeeeeek.

[irmacornelia]

30 Days of WITCHversary - 14-18

This week was hectic so Im dumping the last few days all at once.

Ahhh the shit-talking ones, I adore WITCH, but boy do I have some salt.

14- Something that irked you

I have to say the biggest thing is the fact that there simply wasn’t enough dragons, especially past the 2nd arc. Their power origin is dragons(until the late-series retcon nonsense), the motif is ‘you are something more than human now’, and then???? nothing? They forsook the ‘you are not fairies, you are not witches, you are something more ancient, strange, and lovely’ stuff and went sparkle fairy. Oof ouch the retcons.

Dragons all over the four dragons issue, dragons on the restaurant, Nerissa’s panel here? dragon.

This isnt something that the comic is guilty of only either, the show is guilty of it too, and they had no excuse, the comic was already out pretty far, and they wanted a show that appealed to boys, so why didn’t they go all in???

There were dragons on Taranee’s laptop when they talked about quintessence, there were dragons in the origins episode, there was dragons in the Phobos fight, in the one where Nerissa tries to take Earths Heart the first time, and there was the mention in the last episode, but did we see anymore dragons? Especially as their Zenith forms which I’ve complained about before was the PERFECT opportunity to tie in the motif? No.

There should have been way more dragon flavor.

Some dragon-shaped auras, the zenith deus ex transformation should have been dragons, Id have even taken totally western dragons, just,,, pls. More dragons emblazoned on coats and people referring to them as dragons. Maybe have part of Phobo’s goal be becoming a dragon. IDK just toss more in there!

And why did they strip the dragons out in the later arcs? My answer is Marketing. Things needed to be pink and sparkly or they are seen as encroaching on different demographis, and not sellable, as CEOs love the minmaxing. Dragons aren’t considered cute, for some reason, and so they had to go. That cash cow was primed to be power-milked until it died. And well. It did.

Im not saying that the shift in priorities from juicy dragon-flavored undertone creeping horror of being uninformed newly minted child soldiers against their will to sparkily faerie idols who do magic sometimes and smooch a lot of boys totally killed it but... Well... 

You know.

You can tell im salty about this, and have been salty about this for over a decade, can’t you.

15- Something that needs a quick fix

In the beginning issues, some of the wording implies the only worlds are Meridian, which is just basically hell, Kandrakar, which is basically heaven, and Earth, and no other worlds. Which is all well and dandy, except.... 2 arcs later that stops being the case.

Change that, because it goes off the rails from that view so fast its not even funny. The simplistic, ‘Meridian evil lizards, Kandrakar good glowing green immortal gods or whatever’ can stay, I guess, because its part of the deconstruction of the ‘evil’ world and ‘good’ world, with Earth as the purgatory thing that media does but just. Right from the start say ‘multiverse’ ‘many worlds’ ‘many dimensions’ one or any of those. It would be just the tiniest, but most wonderful continuity fix.

Just a couple word changes, no panels need to be changed at all.

Something that needs an overhaul

The retcons and plotholes in general. Ive spat quite a bit of salt about the retcons and plotholes already but. WITCH has an undeniable plothole and retcon problem. I love WITCH more than anything, but oh man. It has that one glaring, unfixable flaw.

There are regular adaption plotholes in the cartoon (Biggest one- Why did Yan Lin not give them lessons on how to fight, negotiate, what powers they have and can grow to have, the species that live on Earth and Meridian, a primer into the history of Kandrakar and the other worlds when she was ALIVE to give them?? They didn’t have them and didn’t know anything in the comic, because she DIED and Kandrakar wasn’t gonna go shit for WITCH! They were ALONE!) but oh no, im talking about the comic more than anything.

Everything contradicts itself just. So Much.

It would be fine if it were an american-style comic where each run is its own canon, but its trying to be serial and im dying squirtle.

Decide whether their wings are stylized feathers or butterfly wings or what (in ONE chapter book they changed the canon 3 times!!). 

Decide whether dragons are their powers or not, how their powers even work, what time of year and how old they are judging from the canonical minimum of days that have passed, how serious their job of defending the universe is. Pick a set of truths and stick with them!!!! Twists are ok and you can change the focus and tone over time but you cant just. Kick out established truths and replace them with shit that makes previous nonsense invalid. The overhaul needs to chose their truths BEFORE they start and then stick with it the whole way through!

And their truths they say and then never talk about why they came about need to be de-plotholed. Kandrakar has a noninterference policy? Why? What the fuck does that mean and how come they can send the guardians then? Kandrakar commands the dragons, yeah? Ok, why do they leave them alone all first arc. Matt was part of Kandrakar? Yeah, why didnt he train them into the dirt and not tell them anything whatsoever? Why did he base his relationship with Will on a den of lies that totally shit on his character before that arc????

What it needs to get this overhaul is just a total reboot that takes all these truths and plots, and makes them one cohesive thing.

Only problem. I dont want this fandom getting The V0ltr0n Treatment. I couldnt bear it, to have it get really popular and be filled with people who think its ok to threaten VAs and suicide bait and viciously bully people for daring to have redemption arcs in their fics. I don’t want this place to become a place of fear, I dont want to have the cozy atmosphere be transformed into a hectic high-traffic disk horse zone, even if it gets us an official Perfect WITCH Cartoon.

So no matter how much I want WITCH to have this flawless unfucking of the plotholes... I think I’ll be content with it the way it is.

17 - Something that needs to be revisited 

CHYKN

P… ple ase,,, give me flashback arc.

Previous guardians can give us padding arcs until the writers figure out how to plot the main stuff, previous guardians can give us worldbuilding, previous guardians can give us backstory for characters we have met, and can give us villains that feel connected to the current plot.

How neat would it be if we had an issue following Kadma and halinor setting up their magic Illuminati? 

How neat would it be if we had Luba and Yan Lin working together while Yan Lin was still active?

How neat would it be if we got a more in-depth Nerissa origins story, complete with what she plans to do after she stamps all over Kandrakar for the inhumane 40+ years of solitary confinement?

How wonderful, storywise, it would be to have villains and allies who knew past guardians, howevermany cycles back, to see and hear of guardians before, and how they failed, but this time, WITCH wont?

Day 18 - Something that needs more love from the fandom

Hi Yes Have You Heard The Good News Of The Four Dragons And Xin Jing?

Dragons,,,,, good. Please let us make more dragon content.

I am a biased dragon who wants more dragon things, yes. I am aware.

But oh, I cant be one of like 3 people writing dragon AUs. I mean, considering the fandom size, thats like a whole 3% but You Know.

‘What fan content do you want to see more of?’ Dragons. Always dragons no matter the fandom or appropriateness of giant flying lizards.

Everything is improved with dragons.

[musgo]

5 6 19

thank you so much for sending sdcjnskjdn i uhhhh recorded all of these basically immediately after you sent them but then i listened back and felt like i suonded so annoying and went on too long and my pronunciation wasnt very clear so i postponed posting them sdjnvdjs i decided to transcribe what i said (under read more) cause that makes me feel better abt it. 

5. I’ll talk about what I did today

https://vocaroo.com/i/s0z7uDDcKzjQ

6. I’ll talk about something I’m obsessed with/currently interested in

https://vocaroo.com/i/s0iLq52dlB1y  (the very good video i talk about: https://youtu.be/-6lMD9h_ix4)

19. I’ll talk about something I’m proud of

https://vocaroo.com/i/s0lPPvmwbvbI this ones the most ebarassing cause i decided to have fun and try switching to my alternative, vaguely british-inspired “accent”,,,, also the cohesion ... she just wasnt there.

5. today i went to college. i was really late and i missed the first class. i only attended one class today, cause i only have two classes per day rn - thats definitely gonna change next semester but anyway - the class was really good, the subject is Introduction to Literary Studies (i took a while cause i had to translate it from portuguese) but um yeah the class was about why humans create fiction. why humans.. you know.. how humans...... Human Nature is such that we are unsatisfied with reality and we create other lives and other experiences through fiction. and it’s not necessarily that we don’t like our reality, it could just be that it’s not enough; like, you could rly like your reality but you still have an innate, like.. NEED for experiencing Other Things that you couldnt in your own life. thats basically what the argument was, it was really interesting. and i rly like the teacher, she’s rly cool. so after that class i just had some lunch DELICIOUS the food in my college is so good ugh i love it so much and it’s just 2 reais for         for lunch when you’re a student there and it’s so good i’m.. ugh it’s the best part of college        cause its rly rly rly cheap for us students and it’s really good like It didnt even have to be that good cause it’s so cheap but it’s REALLY GOOD hh     um... yeah i love it  AND THEN after having lunch i went to the library which is a luh--another thing i rly like about my college cause  it’s the biggest library in my university.   so.. i study in the universtiy of são paulo which is one of the biggest universities in brasil .... so.. the campus is like rly huge and .. [i realized i was just explaining what a university is fsr?????? ]  uhhhh yeah i went to my library. [????? MY LIBRARY??? i dont own a library.] and i love my library theres like. i love to just walk around and see.    The Books cause theres like.. so such interesting books. and like books in so many languages... ugh it’s amazing so i went there to actually find some english learning books and i did , cause im trying to teach my sister english andt..    yeah i found this session-- Section. where theres all these    language learning books so theres like             a couple shelves that are like just english learning books and then theres a shelf thats just like japanese learning and then a couple shelves for russian   thens ome korean  some frickin SANSKRIT  latin ancient greek just everything . theeres also like indigenous south american languages which i was really happy to see and im definitely gonna check that out eventually but for today i just took the english ones cause ..  yeah i cant really  i dont really that much time and everyone for all that right now with college ..     AND THEN the rest of my day was that i left my phone!! cause i went to take the bus and  i left my pjhone on the bus stop.      i feel like my entonation is really annoying right now but yeah.. so yeah i left my phone on the bus stop and i was so scared.  i went back to the bus stop    got off the bus [wrong order] and it wasnt there , i went in the building - my college has 3 buildings for the different courses - i went in one of them cause i assumed it would be there because it was the closest to the bus stop so if somebody found my phone on the bus stop they wouldve taken it there and  left it there with the recepcionist or whatever so i went there and it wasnt there so iwas like “oh no its not here . maybe i left it in the bus instead of the bus stop and i just didnt notcie that it like fell from my pocket or sth.” so i took the bus again and went to the terminal which is where it would be if somebody found it in the bus and gave it to someone responsible for that stuff. but it obviously wasnt there. so i went home, very sad, This whole thing lasted like 2 hours and then its like over an hour for me to come home from college cause yk i live in a neighbouring city which is pretty close but its still an hour to an hour and a half everyday to go and ..... to go to and fro. is that how you say that expression idk . ...    and then when i got home!!!! i wnt in the facebook group of my college [course] to see if somebofy had posted something about a lost phone and Yes They Had they posted a photo of my phone and i was like oh thank god so im gonna get it back tomorrow. now im home im looking at my cat. occasionally looking after my nephews and my niece. and thats my day

6. i was sitting here thinking.. trying to think of something   and i remembered that--..............   Cause its rly hard for me to answer these questions where itsj ust one thing and i just..................          i just draw a blank whenever i get these questions but im just gonna say something that happened recently cause it was like : yesterday i found this video on youtube of a    an .. anemone? Swimming     like this starfish touches it and it like Changes Form it Elongates and just starts shaking to like get away. and its amazing it reminded me of how much i like Cnidarians(????)  the phylum .  the group of animals that includes jellyfish and corals, basically.   its just so cool like they alternate like one of the.... oh my gosh my house is so loud uhh...       yeah they like its really crazy i dont actually know a lot about it but i just think its so cool like the corals .. they.. reproduce.. and like.. their offspring sometimes is A Jellyfish . and then the Jellyfish sometimes produce Corals.   cause you look at the two things and they dont rly look that similar but they Are basically one and the same, and theyre Animals both of them just the same.  theyre just like inverted when you think about. its really cool and i didnt know that corals could MOVE like that just Get Out like... DeTach . from their thing and just start Swimming!! i had no idea that was a thing but yeah basically something that im obsessed with is um animals like that. the animals that arent chordates. so like sponges, cnidarians,  frickin ummmm echinoderms. You Can look at My Tags Page i have that stuff listed. i love it cause its so fun when you think about how theyre animals so theyre like closer to us structurally and cellularly than to other things.

19. you know. when people are mad at me for doing something not as fast as one possibly could or somethin like not understanding what they said or doing something a little bit wrong like following instructions a little wrong and you know when its not rly that important and people get mad and me for that and stuff.. i just.. i feel really happy that i'm not like that. cause i feel like most people around me.. they ARE like that like they just get so mad.. they allow themselves to get so mad about small things.. and i dont know i like that im pretty patient and i dont mind having to wait or to instruct someone a few times and correct them until they get it right and teach them and... all that. i dont know like i feel like.. idk im proud of myself for not like picking fights and getting mad at people for things that dont rly matter cause.. idk people around me do that a lot it makes me rly sad like... idk thats something i like abt myself i think i can like I'll feel angry sometimes and dont get me wrong anger is very necessary and its a very good thing when it is like... whats that word? its like... freakin.. deserved [i think the word i was looking for is "warranted"] like be angry at freakin capitalism or sth freakin racism you know set people on fire for that kinda stuff. but for small things on daily life i think people let it get to them too easily. and just create.. idk. it makes me sad so im happy that i dont have a lot of these impulses in these situations and when i do feel peeved from something petty im able to hold back cause im like.. its not worth it its just... this is so small. i'm.... you know? its not worht it.

[eagleslouis]

No it's not an asshole move because their contracts were coming to an end. Why would Harry continue doing something because other people want it? What kind of idiot do you think he is? The only thing Louis carried were water and twitter fights. Legend! Harry is a better singer than Louis, he's better looking and he's classier. That is why he has a solo career and Louis is a judge on X factor. Get it? There's zero debate regarding Freddie's paternity. Babygate can't end because it doesn't exist.

this ask singlehandedly made me want to choke myself but uhh okay lets go piece by pieceIT STILL IS AN ASSHOLE MOVE. its fucking selfish. if he was suffering so fucking bad he literally couldve pulled a zayn before zayn did and left, especially since hes had the azoffs literally in his back pocket since 2013 (irving was literally named the most powerful person in the music industry in 2012, remember?). HE WOULDVE BEEN FINE. and 'doing what he wanted'!!! we know why though, right? he needed to keep his image squeaky fucking clean. even though it is all coming out now, probably didnt expect that one, harold. none of them planned a solo career and louis literally said he expected to be back in 18 months and once that hit and there was no contact, it was like, wow.. its really official. FUCK HARRY. and honestly? i think hes a huge idiot, we know this. he doesnt know who the fuck he is, the 1975? prince? david bowie? idk! is he a singer? an actor? whatever gives the most money i guess! and he doesnt know what the fuck hes talking about it, 'umm yeah i mean umm sott is kinda like about my response to blm and all that, you know? umm yeah just like.. shut up stop crying.' the kid was NOT meant for fame. he couldnt even answer a question without hesitating or having bad word choice, the boys literally teased him. damn, god forbid louis to interact with his band members in a fun way that engages his fans (during times that he didnt have to sing). hes such a dick. hes had fucking dumb scraps on twitter, who hasnt? afawk he did talk to zayn after jay said he should and i highly doubt either of them hold such a grudge for something said over social media. better for louis to actually use social media and admit it than to say he doesnt use it because he doesnt see the point (completely ignoring that when not on tour thats the only way to interact with fans) but then proceed to be liking posts on instagram nearly 24/7... like someone we know. now.. everyones entitled to their own smelly onions so i wont go too deep into this but uhhhh harry can stop straining his voice by fucking yelling in all his songs if he doesnt wanna lose it by 30. he can maybe pick like one fucking genre to stick with??? hes very gio from x factor, who louis coincidentally hated lol. i GUESS beauty is in the eye of beholder, even though harry is fucking ugly. they were right when they said his hair was always greasy, i dont know why everyone was pressed! also i think its pretty damn clear harrys cupcake image is all fucking fake now, hes not fucking classy at all lmao what are you on? real fucking classy move to write a song about an underage girl he met and probably fucked for one night without telling her but including her name so her dad could call her and say that he wrote a song about her :) real fucking classy to slut shame girls for how they dress in his songs but then again play it off that he has the utmost respect for women. too many more to say. his solo career is going well yeah i guess right? honestly a good move to pick tiny tiny venues so they would sell out quickly and people would pay attention to the time sold out versus the size. even though he did fuck over the fans with that whole ticket fiasco beforehand. i suppose!!!! my only criticism is i hope this next album is more cohesive :). dont exactly see whats so horrible about louis as a person regarding him doing x factor? he again went back to his roots and is helping people achieve their dreams which is something he said he would like to do anyway!!! i want his music so fucking bad (and we're getting it in like a month anyway hopefully) but i mean... ill be... patient. i dont think his solo career is normal so far at all lmao and its due to syco because other artists came out and said the same!!!! that they wouldnt let them release music or would give them NO promo. not the same situation at all for multiple reasons. harrys been planning a career w his best friend whose under guidance of his dad, one of the most powerful men in the industry whereas louis wasnt planning a career and is with a well known awful company. also i mean theres ton of debate about freddies paternity lol and if its real anyway, then there HAD TO BE A LOT MORE with the situation he wouldve been in. if 'babygate' will never end, the conspiracy will never end either so get used to it i guess.

[groundramon]

My first request is: could you draw a Rookie Warrior for the Spirits of Ice (like how Fire had Flamon)?

Here he is!  His name is Phoquemon!  His name is based off of the french word for seal.

I was gonna line this but I uh….got lazy so I just cleaned up the sketch |D I might line it some other time or draw another picture of him, because I rlly like this design!

SO ANON IDK IF YOU SAW MY POST ABOUT IT BEFORE but the ice warrior was…surprisingly the hardest warrior to design for.  Like, even harder than the “evil” warriors who dont have fusion forms.  Because the ice warrior’s like is a GODDAMN. FUCKING. MESS.  Like Kumamon is a bear with modernistic armor and a gun, Korikakumon is an ape-yeti man with a tribal aesthetic and axes, Daipenmon is a fucking penguin with fucking popsicle sticks and thats it, and AncientMegatheriummon is a fucking mountain sheep with wayyy too many legs.  At least AncientMegatheriummon brings back a little bit of both the gun and the tribal/axe aesthetic because he seems to have canons in his back and his overall design is actually close enough to Korikakumon’s to look like they’re the same Digimon, but I dont know what the FUCK that eye thing is on the top of his back.  Also, yknow, fucking Daipenmon.  I fucking hate Daipenmon.  I dont actually, he’s a fantastic digimon and i love him, but in the context of this? yeah I hate him.

So the first thing I had to do was figure out his basic shape.  Because I didn’t really know where to go with that; Kumamon is already a pretty small and simplistic Digimon who I could call an overpowered rookie if the human forms weren’t supposed to be more akin to the champion stage.  But I mean hey, if Gatomon is a champion, Kumamon can be too.  But I couldn’t just make a smaller bear - that wouldn’t line up with the rest of the line.  So I decided that since every line in the warrior’s line is just a different “ice” animal (polar bear, yeti, penguin, mountain ram) I had to pick an ice animal that hadn’t been used yet.  So I decided on a seal, because why not?  Seals are known for their affinity for ice, right.  And they’re small and cute.  Also I fucking love seals.

So my next goal was to use design elements and colors from the other four forms to make them all look like they had SOME sort of cohesion instead of just being a random assortment of loosely ice-associated Digimon.  I wanted him to stand out as a very distinct Digimon because the rest of the line was so varied from itself, but I also wanted to try and fix the line a little bit - like, to make it make more sense.  I think he looks a little too close to Kumamon, but…I’m not really sure what to do about that

The headband and gloves were originally based on Kumamon’s, but I eventually changed the colors to Daipenmon’s popsicles’ colors because I’m a slut for light pink/blue.  But before I did that, I also added AncientMegatheriummon’s eyeball thing as a necklace/collar around Phoquemon’s neck, which also happened to use that same (or approximate) blue and pink so yay.  I gave him the same fur style with the red band that Korikakumon and AncientMegatheriummon have, but its more similar to AncientMegatheriummon’s.  The color of the brown markings is from Korikakumon, but he shares that approximate coloration with AncientMegatheriummon too.  The bands on Phoquemon’s tail are from AncientMegatheriummon, altho the real digimon has fabric between the two bands so its kinda different.  The horn on the headband is just random, but is the same color as his tailbands.  The marking on his forehead is the symbol found on Kumamon’s chest, and the little pink cheeks are also from Kumamon but recolored with Daipenmon’s pink.  Also I gave him a knife because….well all the other stages have weapons, so why not him?  And a knife is what comes before a gun, right?  Right.

Also I really wanted to make this joke with him:

[asexualbookbird]

okay i have the same problem where unless theres something blatantly awful about a book i cant really say much about it, which is partly why i started reviewing in the firdt place! it challenges me to really think about specifics and keep notes while i read about what i did and didnt like. ebooks/kindle is great for this bc i just highlight something, write my note, and bam! its all there when im done! but usually i make notes on goodreads in the form of updates lol

i personally like the star rating system but honestly i feel like if you went tjrough my shelves you wouldnt find consistency. im pretty scatterbrained so getting cohesive and consistent thoughts out is difficult. one thing ive made note recently to do at the end of my reviews is to say who id recommend it for. so like when i reviewed ready player one, i basically recommended it for 80s fanboys. i felt like it tied all my words together and made a nice conclusion even if my thoughts werent always concise and orderly.

the way i usually assign star ratings isnt really tangible. idk how to describe it but within the first few pages i'll have a base rating in my head and good and bad parts will bump it up or down as I read. i try not to rate based on Final Feelings that the last few chapters made me feel because oftentimes that bites me in the butt in the long run (three dark crowns and the entire house of night series are examples of this). i think if i did this Professionally i might try to be more consistent, but seeing as this is mostly for my own enjoyment i just have fun! sometimes i dont have a lot to say and if i cant do a full review i dont. some of my reviews are single sentences, i have one review thats just "no." and then another that basically disected the entire novel chapter by chapter because it was so got dang awful....im really good at reviewing thigs i hate ;;

just have fun i guess?? do what feels right for you and change things as you see fit! my reviews from 2013 are nothing like my reviews today. you'll grow and learn the more you do it.

one last thing: theres a trend with popular reviewers on goodreads to bold random sentences for emphasis and personally i hate that because it makes it so much harder to read. so keep formatting in mind, thats one thing i do try to keep consistent.

hey writelr and booklr, I need some help.

This year I want to start reviewing all the books I read (some of you guys have really inspired me!) but the star system really stresses me out.

I can articulate what do and don’t like about a book, but I’m never sure about how to assign stars.

Do any of you have a system for assigning stars? Or a method? Want to share?

@elenajohansen and @anassarhenisch you guys write awesome reviews, any advice on how to do it is welcome!

[flockofdoves]

wait ok maybe a bad time to start this at 1:30am (<- started this post last night lmao) but i’ve been thinking so much (for a long time but this week i think maybe prompted by jonny saying stuff in the s5 q&a part 3 about fanon character designs getting more homogenous as the fandom gets bigger its really been on my mind again) about my thoughts on the magnus archives character design stuff

(this turned into such a fucking long post my god sorry lol. just writing this for my own purposes really but i feel ridiculous i spent like a good portion of the past day writing this out dkjfhgfd)

like i already said on that other post character design stuff is full of so much under the surface both really silly and almost nonsensical (like ‘oh this character just feels like they have a lot of triangles incorporated into their design’ or the slightly more connected to reality arbitrary ideas people have about what type of character might wear glasses) and stuff thats incredibly loaded and very much connected to real life systems of oppression. so its like. idk. i like drawing people and fashion and harmonizing shapes and the idea of coming up with people who dont exist through abstracted drawings that somehow click and that can feel cohesive even with different angles/expressions/poses/etc is really fun to me conceptually but Character Design(tm) as a thing even outside of established tropes and schools of it that really lean into elements that can uphold gross shit as shorthand just inevitably theres so much to consider in the implications of making a person (visually) and ascribing traits to them (or i guess in this case largely the opposite)

so thats not something id call fun its just important and inevitably a big factor if i’m going to put any of this to words and can only hope i do so non-clumsily when i wanna talk about this on the whole just bc i find the process of how fanon designs get homogenized interesting (and the purpose of it understandable and maybe a bit inevitable in certain contexts) but also regardless of any actual potential problematic implications in any of that just bc i like the creative process of coming up with character designs i like trying to see when it comes to practicing that through applying it to characters in non-visual media i care about how i can break my guides for what they could look like down to their bare essentials between canon description, things i vibe with personally, etc so that if i have all that written down for myself it can be a good starting place for just experimenting with designs (i dont have any desire to settle on any one design for these characters but its just good general practice for this stuff) and maybe pushing a bit against some things that seem to be generally defaulted to mix things up or w/e. so yeah i’ve just wanted to write all this out for myself for a while, so after that long fucking intro fdkgh here goes!

jon!!!

ok so canonically hes born about 1987 and is like roughly 28-31 throughout the series but looks older to the point where he straight up lies and says hes a decade older at one point, he has graying hair, has been described as looking like he hasnt slept in weeks

(this bullet point contains spoilers up to early s4) depending on what part of canon youre describing him in he canonically has scars from worms probably all over his body (post ep 39), a burn scar on his hand (probably right and probably roughly shaped like a handprint) (post ep 89), actually i’m checking on the wiki now and it specifically says melanie stabbed him in the shoulder? but rereading the transcript and another couple parts that i thought potentially could mention it i dont believe it ever actually specifies (maybe the person who wrote that is conflating how both melanie and daisy’s first injuries from the slaughter are on their shoulders? so even if not canon good guess i guess that his scar from thats on his shoulder) (post ep 125) plus also probably on his throat from daisy (post ep 91), somewhere from michael stabbing him (post ep 47), and who knows maybe even something from mike crew (probably not it was just the height part of things not a lightning strike but i saw fanart of him getting a lichtenberg figure scar once from that which was interesting) (post ep 91)

has been described as ‘scrawny’ and ‘little’ which may just be more of a insult but because of that i support manlet jon lol. also because of that tend to think of him as skinny and not very muscular but i’m def not opposed to him being fat i think its really fun when i do see interpretations of him as such esp in juxtaposition with martin its nice having stuff sometimes where its two fat characters in a relationship. but if i’m leaning on every little word to narrow down character design i’d say hes most likely thin and probably short too.

getting into stuff with no real canon basis, i am a fan of him having long hair like a lot of fanon has him with. its a very tangential justification because i know its more the specific events surrounding this this was describing but when he was described as a “grubby jesus” that helped lol

but! my jon hair opinion that seems to differ from fanon is that i think maybe itd make sense with him being described as looking older and stuff to give him a bit of a receding hairline

not sure about glasses either way i think it just comes down to the specific design whether it looks good or not. there is something conceptually funny to me about giving an avatar of the eye glasses and debating whether that “makes sense” or not lol. one time i saw someones design where he stopped needing to wear glasses later on and i thought that was kinda fun

i don’t really care for like. idk. glowing green eyed jon or multiple eyes or w/e. like i get it. idk probably somethings happening when hes doing like the ceaseless watcher thing or like that one scene where he forced a statement out of that person who described him as “all eyes” like the phrase but maybe not just that as a phrase. so that plus the cover art of the show being green and making people probably theme stuff on that color i guess i cant blame people for doing that but idk just like. it feels kinda just Blah and not that novel to see a lot of the time and a bit too tropey or w/e for my personal taste unless people mix it up a bit. so i tend to prefer him just looking like some guy even later on usually. also with just like brown eyes or w/e

okay so this next part is for both jon and martin because i cant fit this into either of their sections because i feel like i cant adequately talk about this without doing it in juxtaposition to one another

this post summarizes basically anything i’m reiterating here far better but basically by nature of this being a podcast written by a white person for whom most of the first characters voiced (who included most of the most frequently appearing characters outside of those described by others because they were reoccurring avatars or w/e long before voice appearances) were from a small pool of people at a majority white company and their family members, even if that wasnt “intentional” of course that pattern happens so much and more productions should be conscious of that from the get go and reach outside their immediate circles to cast more actors of color from the start of their productions if they have the resources to properly compensate them. so basically from there theres no real totally satisfying solution for portraying “aracial” characters acted and written by white people’s race, because the situation just isn’t ideal in the first place

so like, with that in mind, i know its a bit of a mixed bag with jon in fanon being pretty consistently either ambiguously a person of color or specifically south asian, because i know people of color who were excited from fanon going in for him to be a person of color only to realize hes written and voiced by a white guy and has no canon race (which might just somewhat default to him being written as white since theres no active thought to how him being a person of color, let alone any specific race or ethnicity, might affect anything), but then on the other hand, characters with no race given being defaulted to being portrayed as white is absolutely another common issue in fandoms of things like books and podcasts. so personally because of that i would feel weird portraying him as white in my own designs in contrast with how consistently hes depicted as a person of color, but i would be interested in potentially depicting him as other races beyond the default fanon of him being south asian too (although theres def stuff to consider there that doesnt prevent any interpretation but just is there regardless like his dynamic with daisy in like s4)

and then this post expresses things better than i could ever rehash, but because of the stuff outlined in there in my own attempts at character designs i try to avoid making martin white because of the juxtaposition between that and making jon a person of color in their dynamic. not as pertinent and not something i’ve taken in from any fan of color saying it so i’m definitely not dictating this just talking out my thought process, but by extension of this i’ve also tried to consider how colorism in juxtaposition between them might make it sit better to have martin have darker skin than jon. this does get a bit weird though when balancing how martin has a couple really goofy lines implying ignorance about police abusing their power (i guess charitable interpretations could be that hes plenty aware but nonetheless vocalizing shock in the moment of it actually happening in front of him), so even if as one of the few characters i’ve posted designs of before i drew him as black, when i remembered those lines i guess its just an issue of an “aracial” character being defaulted to being written as if hes white, so even if he certainly could still be black (or any race besides white who might not have the luxury of ignorance about police brutality) it just makes clear that by him being written the way he was nothings ideal because theres not necessarily much depth that can be taken from canon to make certain depictions of him as satisfying or well fleshed out as they could be. oh also so inconsequential to the rest of this and i dont care about this at all beyond just latching onto any scrap to base things off of but the fact that martin maybe knows at least some polish i feel like thats not a language most people just know from school (esp as someone who didnt go to college) or w/e so maybe his mom is polish so probably hes part white at least to wildly extrapolate from there? idrc tho its just one more thing to note on the subject depictions of jon and martins races

martin!

canonically the same age as jon (so approximately born 1987 and roughly 28-31 throughout the series)

theres at least like 4 things in canon that can be used to say hes canonically fat, and some of those lines also more just generally describe him as “big” or w/e so while i dont care about sticking to this as much its easy to argue hes tall too (esp that one point where he says a worm “jumped literally 6 feet through the air at my face” which i guess could be approximate or the worm like. arcing lol and also iirc jonny says he doesnt remember writing that line but regardless its another thing to latch onto to narrow down design stuff)

melanie!

canonically has a scar on her shoulder (as of late 2016), probably on her leg too (if not by early 2017 then by early 2018/ep 125), and is described as skinny

(spoilers for late s4) (also eye trauma mention) post ep 155 she’s blind but trying to research what exactly she might look like like would the results of the damage she does with the awl after going to the hospital would her eyes need to be eviscerated vs enucleated? idk. thinking about lydia saying in a s3 extra in retrospect talking about this where shes like ‘it wouldn’t work like that with [an awl]!’ bc . lol yeah idk. or like would she have scarring on her eyelids or anything, would she have glass eyes, would she feel a need to wear sunglasses to protect her eyes or as a visual cue that shes blind (bc idt shed be the type to just wear it to hide her eyes) or not, etc. i’m not sure! one thing i do know for sure though thats a pet peeve in art is that people make her cane have a red stripe on it when it the UK especially a red striped white cane is for deafblind people, so her cane is most likely just plain white (also theres different styles of white canes but from researching i think shed probably make use of a long cane imo)

my biggest non-canon appearance thought about her is just. melanie king butch 💗

i do think its fun when characters get drawn with unnaturally colored dyed hair for no real reason and do think people should have fun with that more but simultaneously the contrarian in me gets annoyed with how common blue grown out roots straight hair bob melanie is. like the fun of the novelty of being ‘fuck it dying this characters hair’ gets sucked out of it from it being so consistent in fanon. also while she def could be a long haired butch or w/e regardless i just wish fanon of her was way more masc for my own self indulgent reasons

basira

i think the only canonical appearance description is the implication that shes not thin by jared when describing her, melanie, and martin, distinguishing melanie as “the skinny one”

hussain specifically as a surname spelled that way while i’m def no expert, from people i know personally and looking online too seems to be most common specifically with pakistani, indian, and bangladeshi muslims so it makes the most sense to have her be depicted as south asian. considering her VA, her being part black could make sense too but also i feel like its kinda a Thing in a lot of media where they’ll barely have black characters but when they do they’ll make them cops so like idk that’d def require more thought to it.

definitely not on authority on this of course this is just me talking through my own thoughts but i feel like maybe the common fanon of her being a hijabi feels a bit just like . theres not much thought behind it for a lot of people doing it? like it feels like ‘she has a muslim name’ -> ‘she’s muslim’ -> ‘she wears a hijab’ and not much else. like theres just like a whole lot that would need to be unpacked with any main character being religious in this series and actually specifically iirc theres a part in season 5 or something where her and jon reflect on the implications of all this on human religion? and both seem a bit agnostic in their approach. and of course theres people who wear hijabs who arent particularly religious (just like obviously vice versa) but for adults in places that arent majority muslim i feel like a main motivator for that would be connection with ones wider community? but basically all of the main characters in this story like necessarily with the themes and how all this was able to happen to them they feel pretty atomized from any real community (she specifically is paralleled with martin in how she latches onto daisy) none of this is at all to say she couldn’t be practicing islam and/or a hijabi but just that if thats how people want to depict her i think it deserves more thought than just drawing her as such (like for one example of how people have done cool things with making characters muslim i appreciate this artists comics about muslim jon (1, 2, 3)) but yeah! idk just something i’ve been thinking about but very much is not something i can act like an authority on of course. because being a hijabi is something stigmatized i do nonetheless feel slightly weird if i were to go against that fanon but idk

part of me is like ‘we dont need more butch cops’ but then the other part of me just defaults to wanting to make every woman gnc lol. for w/e reason i tend to picture her dressing pretty practically in like khaki cargo pants and hiking boots and flannels and such

daisy

canonically theres here starburst shaped scar on the back of her shoulder

(spoilers for mid s4) i dont care to find it now but i feel like once she was described as scrawny or skinny or whatever (not sure how much focusing on muscle vs thinness if so) but if so that was after she came out of the coffin so i dont think that really implies she always looked like that and i think maybe even by contrast could be implying she was muscular before

def think it makes sense to make her white. generally i do see her similar to fanon depictions of her although i do kinda wish in juxtaposition people would make more women look butch besides her. i think when i first pictured her before seeing fanart or anything it was pretty similar in build and hair color and demeanor such as most of fanon but i pictured her with like . you know like the tight bun women in the military wear lol. so its more ambiguous if her flavor of powertripping “tough” white woman is gay or not. but idrc regardless i dont plan on making much art of her

tim

uhhh i think the only canonical description of him beyond his worm scars (post ep 39) is that basira called him hot in comparison to jon and martin lol

ever since i started listening i keep defaulting to picturing him vaguely like tim from marble hornets lol. so like idk i think its fun when he has defined eyebrows and sideburns and stuff. but not even that i’m really Set on i think theres a lot of fun potential designs for him

sasha

canonically has long hair, is tall, and has glasses

(spoilers for either end of s1 or end of s2 depending on if you’ve figured out something. if you know you know lol) like obviously theres weird stuff in juxtaposition if you make not!sasha a different race than her. i think probably regardless theyre the same race considering melanie didnt note that when describing what sasha looked like. idrc about figuring out what not!sasha looks like ig if i ever make art of her i’ll just figure it out

i think this was the first art i ever saw of her like right around the week or so i started listening to the show that was posted and a mutual reblogged it so i think from basically the start thats how i pictured her essentially. but the main parts of ‘long dark hair, glasses’ i internalized from that are so close to just canon so maybe not saying much

georgie

uhhhh i dont think theres any canon description of her? and i dont have very many opinions on what she does look like honestly except that i think she looks very bisexual lol. i like the idea of her presenting pretty gnc but still maybe having some fun with feminine aesthetics too, but honestly making her present totally masc is really cool too

oh also wrt body type stuff. part of me is a bit tired of how sometimes it feels like fat characters only get to be in romantic relationships if its with skinny characters and rarely are there character designs of two fat people together and melanie is canonically skinny (which doesnt really matter i Could ignore it but i like latching onto descriptions just to narrow things down) and jons maybe implied to be which makes jon/martin like that too. but on the other hand idec i care more about just having fat wlw characters so if melanie in all i project on her cant be that then georgie will be

oliver!

only canonical description of him i believe is “tall, black and careworn, deep lines of worry etched into an otherwise handsome face”

uhh beyond that idk.. not really set on this at all but i feel like maybe he dresses like. business goth lol. like idk. well put together casual clothes like nice quality short sleeve button ups and chinos or nice cuffed jeans but maybe darker colors and a bit of a vaguely edgy but not tacky flair (like fucking idk. raven pattern button up or something lol)

i saw some art of him once where he had long locs and also just idk he was like doing that ominous floaty thing which included his hair and that had a nice rhythm in the art together with the black tendrils in the background so i could appreciate him having long locs/braids/twists or something. but def not set on that and ofc theres like a lot of years to depict him between he could have various hair styles

this is hard to really judge but ive seen posts where people are like ‘haha i draw oliver just like i drew kravitz in the adventure zone’ which is like vaguely annoying to me idk lol. but of course i cant Really know if thats what people are doing from depiction alone bc theres no set appearance for kravitz himself but sometimes i get the Vibes thats whats someones doing and its just like. whatever idk. branch out and design another character!!

there are literally soooooo many more characters i really thought i could make a short-ish thing for each character beyond a few necessary addendums but god even on inconsequential shit this post is already SO fucking long lol so i’m giving up for now i’ve done most of the main people plus my favorite side character so its fine i can get back to this later if i really want to

[basket-of-epiphanies]

Get-to-Know-Me Game!

I was tagged by @beria1021! this was perfect, i really wanted something fun to do so thanks!

Why did you choose your URL?

basket-of-loquats is my art blog and also where i have most of my followers, and because this is my main i wanted something cohesive so that if i replied to comments people would know it was still me! rn, im really into BTS, and one of my fave and most impactful songs of theirs is Epiphany. it’s a beautiful word too, so i just decided to go with it!

any side-blogs? if you have them, name them and why you have them.

just one! my art blog @basket-of-loquats. I have it to post art? honestly lol i started it a super long time ago but gave up when my posts only got like three notes (mostly because i was super bad at art and also didnt know how tagging worked lmaooooo) but when i got into the untamed last summer i decided to give it another go! and im really happy i did, i’ve reached a lot more people now and all my followers are super lovely and i have a lot of fun!

How long have you been on tumblr?

2017 i think?

Do you have a queue tag?

nope

Why did you start your blog in the first place?

a mix of: my best friend had one, i was a pinterest freak and saw tons of reposted superwholock tumblr posts on it, i was getting into a gay shit

Why did you choose your icon/pfp?

i love bats. thats it

Why did you choose your header?

because that tweet made me fucking wheeze and because jurassic park is the greatest movie of all time

What’s your post with the most notes?

so i dont think theres a way to check but im pretty sure its a post i made right after avengers infinity war came out and look my marvel phase was Cringe so i dont wanna talk about it

How many followers do you have?

496

How many people do you follow?

a bit over 1,000 afhdjfadhk but i really need to go thru and unfollow unused blogs and stuff

Have you ever made a shitpost?

yes

How often do you use tumblr every day?

once or twice maybe?

Did you have a fight/argument with a blog once?

i don’t think so? idk i feel like ive definitely come into small conflict with people but never a fight

How do you feel about ‘you need to reblog this post’?

i dont like it. we dont need more anxiety and guilt tripping thank you very much

Do you like tag games?

yessss i love them. idc if we’ve never talked, please tag me!

Do you like ask games?

absolutely! i get so happy whenever i see i have something in my inbox!

Which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous?

oh i have literally no clue. i feel like @you-foolish-blocks is secretly tumblr famous and she’s just not telling me

Do you have a crush on a mutual?

yes, on @lokiindistress but she already knows <3

tagging @lokiindistress @impossibletruths @wishicouldpostfromsecondaryblogs @aredhel-of-doylkien

[the-little-red-noodle]

7/3/19 11:39pm the aftermath

Spencer and i broke up today.

I am so exhausted. My eyes hurt from crying. My chest hurts from breathing and thinking and seeing him. I feel hollow but also so fucking heavy i can’t move. I feel hurt, i feel frustrated, i feel confused and i feel so fucking angry that this is happening one of the weekends i was looking forward to the most this summer. I am really really frustrated and really sad.

I had been in costa rica for like 10 days. I was so excited to see him. I just landed at the airportand he texted that he was on his way to my house and i was excited that i would have most of the day and the night to be with him. I would get to talk about the trip and be excited and kiss him and talk about the larp.

Fuck i just wish he could express anything ever. Fuck.

Where was i? I got home, i was trying on larp stuff and being excited and he got there and he seemed normal and we went to my room and i changed back into normal clothes and he sat on the other end of my bed and i was motioning for him to sit with me and he moved to still sit across from me and i was like what’s up?

And he just sat there holding my hands and stuttering and trying to speak and stopping and then i said,

Are you trying to break up with me?

And he said yes, I’m sorry. And i just felt like confused and like aw he’s having trouble speaking but also what are you doing?

And then i was like why? Why are you doing this right now, we have such a fun weekend planned and we have a party tomorrow and a larp and all this to celebrate together, why are you doing this now? You couldn’t have waited until after our fun weekend, until after my fun weekend? Until after i could do the stuff i had been so excited about and planning and planning with you? You couldn’t have waited??

Theres never a good time..

There fuckin is, it’s called ANY of the times i brought it up to you that thigs weren’t working. ANY of the times i said we weren’t communication well. ANY of the times i said i wasn’t happy or that we’re so different or that we just love differently. THATS when you mention the fact that you feel that way too. You fucking. Tell. Me. You fucking say hey I’ve been feeling that way too, we are super different, our communication doesn’t work well together, idk if I’ve been super happy. You fucking say something then. You don’t calm me down over and over saying that we’ll work it out we’ll work it out and then drop this on me literally an hour after i get home from a trip and before this really fun weekend that i would have liked to enjoy. I really was looking forward to this stuff and now you fucking ruined it. I’m not the kind of person who deals with shit by going out partying and pretending everything is fine. I fucking know it’s not fine and i see peoples faces looking at me with the “how ya doin?” face and the pity and the “oh wheres spencer?”

Dude, fuck you.

It’s not like i didn’t also think the relationship wasn’t working. I went back and forth so many times on whether or not to end it or stick it out, but i wouldn’t have fucking dropped it on you right before you had a bunch of important shit to do

Fuck you

Of course i knew it wasn’t working, we been knew. It hasn’t been working since the start frankly, we don’t communicate cohesively. I actually have emotions? And talk about them? And want to hear how you feel about stuff? What a fucking concept???

Fuckkkk youuu

I actually cared enough to go out of my way all the damn time to do what you needed, and show you how i felt, and love you the way you receive it best. Where was my gesture? Where was forthought into doing something for me? Where were any words that actually came from your heart and not phrases that i said were special to me?

Dude, fuck you man.

I’m angry. I’m really really frustrated because we talked so many times about when i was having doubts and when i was feeling like we needed help and we needed to fix shit and where i asked you over and over AND OVER!! HOW YOU FELT! That’s when you fuckig say something! You fucking tell me hey I’ve been having some doubtsabout the relationship and I’m not sure if I’m happy, and then we would have talked, seen that we felt the same way, and ended things respectfully together. But instead, you kept that shit in for months so you could blindside me before i have shit to do

FUCK. YOU.

How do you expect relationships to go? We small talk, fuck, eat, and sleep? And give each other space but don’t ever text or talk while we’re apart? What kind of relationship is that?

Beat change

What kind of relationship was i settling for? With someone who, not wouldn’t, but couldn’t share their feelings. Someone who was incable of really anything involving emotional intelligence. Someone who RARELY asked me how i was doing or what i was thinking about or how i was feeling. Never asked about my past, never knew HUGE pieces of who i am because he never bothered to dig around? He never knew about my depression, or the self harm, or the eating disorder, just a few. So many parts of what ultimately made me me and he just never asked. I asked about him CONSTANTLY and i could never get much.

What kind of relationship was i settling for? Where i have to do so much fucking legwork to get the affection i need and so much effort to train him how to respond to a text in less than an hour. What was i settling for? Because he was the one? Hell no, we been knew this was casual from the start

OH THAT TOO! BITCH THIS WHOLE OPERATION WAS YOUR IDEA!!!!

We weren’t even dating! We weren’t a couple! We were hooking up and then YOU decided you liked me more and YOU decided you wanted to be exclusive and YOU wanted me to be your girlfriend and YOU initiated all those conversations that got us here. And then YOU have the audacity (I’m being dramatic) to step out after you decide theres no fixing us when you didn’t even give it a fair shot. When i brought up how to make us better and how i asked how you felt about every little thing just to gain an inch of insight into what the fuck was ever on your mind.

What kind of relationship was i settling for? Where i had to stretch to get reassurance. Where i had to stretch to get validation. Where no compliment came free or unprovoked. Basically everything you ever told me was because i fucking prompted you to speak. If i hadn’t, we wouldn’t. If i didn’t start a conversation, there was no conversation.

God i am so fucking angry about it. Yes I’m sad and we’ll get to that, but I’m really fucking angry. And i feel guilty because i want to shut down and not be social but i feel like people are fucking relying on me to show up to stuff and drive people to things and camp and do all this and i fuckiiiiinnnggg wanna just not.

But i can’t be a hermit because then i let everyone down. If i bail that means mark has no ride or tent and julia won’t go and shell be bummed and shea will be mad because I’ll miss another fucking larp and everything falls on me

But if i go, i know myself, and I’m gunna be a fucking wreck the whole time. I’m gunna be crying and not wanting to participate and I’m gunna have to watch all the couples be happy and be like “so wheres spencer? What happened? Are you okay?”

I hate are you okay.

Fuckin..???? Like..???? Naw?? I got dumped before a bunch of shit i was super excited for and now can’t be excited because I’m heartbroken and have to do all this shit without him after getting my hopes up that he would go and it would be so romantic and right up our alley and so fun.. and now it’s fucking ruined and everytime i think about the larp, i think about how many people are counting on me to go and how people will say they understand but are also super disappointed and secretly hate me for throwing a wrench in our plans

BUT ITS NOT MY FUCKING WRENCH

ITS HIS WRENCH BECAUSE HE COULDNT HAVE FUCKING TOLD ME HOW HE WAS FEELING MONTHS AGO OR, and i can’t stress this enough, FUCKING WAITED UNTIL AFTER.

I’m mad because he knew how important this weekend was to me, that i literally cut my family vacation short to spend time with him, and i can’t even get to enjoy it with my friends now cuz i swear theyre all gunna be looking at me and thinking ah shit is she ok, should we say something, is she drinking too much, is she eating too much, is she blinking too much, hey are you okay?

I’m frustrated too because i swear i went back and forth on breaking up with him so much and i can’t believe he’s the one who did it, and blindsided me, and ruined my fun weekend. I literally texted mark like a week before my trip in a frenzy like I NEED TO BREAKUP WITH SPENCER! And he talked me down. Yah, mark talked me down. Who always seemed to hate spencer and not like that we were dating, he fucking talked me out of ending it. MARK.

Dude, fuck you, right now. Fuck you for not being about to just talk to me. Fuck sake, it can’t seriously be that difficult to have an emotion formed into a single thought right? I do it constantly. How hard is it to say “i feel like we’re having problems” or “I’m struggling” or fucking anything. Nah, just keep it in and unleash it on the worst time possible. Sounds super.

Fuck you man.

Ima go to bathroom or something. I need to walk this off. Fuck I’m so angry

Also, fuck you for the corny friend line near the end

“I hope that someday-“ “i swear to god if you say that we can still be friends..” “well.. yeah, id like to”

Like, fuck me gently with a chainsaw, i don’t wanna be your friend, dude. We don’t really have a lot in common, it’s kinda part of why we’re breaking up, remember?

The couples who usually stay friends after a breakup are the ones who have a ton in common and lose attraction for each other, whereas spence and i have eh not a lot a lot in common, and i reaaallyy attracted to him. That pairing doesn’t bode for great friends. That sets us up to be like fuck buddies again. No, i don’t wanna be friends. At least not now. I basically said we’ll cross that bridge when we get there, but honestly, fuck that noise, ok? That’s basically u saying that I’m not attractive and that youd be fine just hanging out in groups and hitting on my friends.

Pass.

I’m glad i asked about romy tho. I always thought he had a thing for her and maybe that was why he wanted to end things. Theyd make a good match i guess. Both of them are incapable of expressing any emotions and are crazy stoners.

Man i am not gunna miss the potheads. Omigod. I worry so fucking much about his health and I’ve told him many times. Youll notice, if you read the records back, not once has he expressed interest in my health. Never commented on drinking or working out or anything really. Never worried about my safety ever. Not even after i was sexually assaulted, which i know is a low blow, but honestly..??? Where was the concern? Where was the fuck that guy attitude? If someone had groped spencer, you better believe i would say some shit. I would fucking destroy them. I wouldve done anything to keep him safe, including getting sexually assaulted so that i could get his drunk ass home. Whos gunna carry you back to your dorm anymore? Whos gunna take care of you when you’re throwing up from alcohol poisoning? Won’t be ANY of the people in your inner circle, I’ll tell you that much. Your friends don’t give a shit about your health and it shows and it broke my heart everytime. I watched your friends ignore you vomiting.

I watched your friends ignore you vomiting.

And then offer you weed. Then you threw up again and they passed out. Ffucking what? call me overattentive, but thank god you had me those nights. When you passed out drunk behind a tent at BFtR or when you got too high at a wonderland party or when you drank too much at the alpha toga party and were throwing up in ralphs bags while your friends IGNORED YOU. whos gunna do that for you now? Are you gunna end up dead after a delta party one day because your friends don’t give a shit about you? I worried about this NONSTOP. Because i cared so much about you, and i still do. And i would worry every time youd leave the house and go to bars or whatever because i know that something like that is going to happen again, and I’m not gunna be there to pick up the pieces and give you a placw to sleep and make sure you drink water and take medicine and care about you. Tell me which one of your “friendsl is going to care about you the way i did. Cuz I’ve watched them all fail that test frankly and it breaks my heart.

But i guess.. that’s not my problem anymore. The days of getting you home safe after one too many is over. The nights of staying up till 5 am holding your hair up are over. The conversations I’ve tried to have about your health and hoping youd change those habits is over. Cuz it can’t be my problem anymore. Cuz i can’t watch you kill yourself anymore. I can’t watch you poison yourself everyday anymore. I can’t watch you hurt and hurt and shove it all down anymore. I can’t do it. I can’t watch you be high anymore. I can’t look at you with your eyes drooping anymore. I can’t worry about you taking weird drugs and acid and wondering if you’re okay anymore. Cuz I’m not your girlfriend anymore, and i can’t be your friend either. But i hope you get such a friend soon. I hope you find a better person to look after you a little. Cuz I’ve watched too many of your “friends” just inable you to do dumb dangerous shit. I can’t watch it anymore

I’m not gunna fight for us to stay together. I’m not gunna ask you to reconsider. I’m gunna (try to) not reach out. I don’t wanna talk. Theres nothing more to say. Anything else, all of this, is just me being angry. And needing to get out anger, but it doesn’t ever need to see him. He doesn’t need to hear how I’m feeling. He doesn’t need to see me suffer. He doesn’t need to hear that I’m angry or sad or doing well. He feels enough guilt as it is, and i don’t need to add to it.

But i can still be angry. And i can still be sad. And at some point, I’m gunna do okay. Because that’s how this shit goes. You go up and you go down and you have friends, real friends, there to catch you. And i hope you do too.

For now, it’s too hard. It’s too hard to look at my instagram with pictures of you. It’s too hard to see your face. It’s too hard to think about what to do about your mom and sister that follow me. It’s too hard to think about if i want to take the pictures down.. cuz what if you do..

I guess i should probably sleep.. but i just feel really fucking hollow. And really fucking heavy. And really fucking tired. But really fucking sad... like really fucking sad..

And i bet he’s feeling none of it. Cuz that’s what he does. He pushes everything away and never talks about how things affect him.

As we were talking, he said that this was the most he’s cried in the past years combined. And considering the last year he had, that is really fucking sad. In some ways it’s nice to know i had a big impact, but also like.. god.. he needs to be talking to someone. He needs a therapist. He needs help. He says he doesn’t, but he does. We dated for 10 months and he couldn’t talk about his dad. We never talked about my past. He really scimmed the surface of what a connection should be, and that’s really sad. And he ended it before he could make some real improvement because he was getting better.. really slowly but he was.

Idk what to do with myself. Idk how to feel or what to say or who to say it to. I want to sleep and i want to do yoga tomorrow. And i want to figure it out from there.