#because it's like 'well i can't say i feel that strongly about anybody'

[donnerpartyofone]

Because this happened to me more than once today in different scenarios, and because I don't wish to start multiple conversations about it with people I don't really know, I will just say right now: When I am describing persistent personal problems, please don't contradict me, even if your instinct is that denying what I said is the nice thing to do. I'm not looking for compliments. I'm not secretly hoping someone will argue with me. I'm also not, like, a child with low self-esteem who just hasn't learned some important lesson yet. When I describe my experience of life, I'm speaking as a middle-aged adult with decades of observation and trial and error. I know what I can and cannot do and I generally post here in order to say, "This is who I am, this is how things are for me, this is what literally happens," because there aren't very many places for me to do that. But it happens a lot that I say something that sounds "negative" or whatever, and various people cannot control the urge to correct me with something nicer-sounding. I know it is meant well, usually, but the only effect of this is to make me feel like I'm not allowed to talk about my life here, without immediately having it reinforced that no one understands or believes things I say. This is incredibly frustrating and alienating for me, and I think I have been abundantly, elaborately clear on this point on this blog. So that's all I want to say on the subject, if I'm saying "I have these deficiencies or difficulties," please repress the urge to tell me I don't. Try saying, "That sounds tough, I'm sorry you're dealing with that," or alternatively try saying nothing at all, which is a potentially more compassionate, respectful response when you're really not the expert on somebody else. I don't want to get into a discussion about this with anybody; if you happen to feel like you have something to apologize for, the best thing to do is just stop the behavior. If this seems insane to you, that's OK with me, just take it as a measure of how strongly I feel about this. If you pursue this with me in any way I'm going to block you, even if I actually think you're probably nice. I just can't take the friction and my only alternative is to just express myself less and less and less, which I do not prefer. Now I have this post I can reblog whenever someone is not getting the memo, and I've gotten it off my chest for now, and I hope I can relax enough to get at least a little bit of sleep. I have a big day coming up, even if I'd rather have no day at all at the moment.

[sleepdepravity]

ALSO speaking of Umineko I recently finished it and I would like to know who your favorite characters from it are

haha, nice, i hope you enjoyed it!

hm...it's been a while, to be honest, don't know if I can answer this well, but I remember liking George...I sort of end up liking a lot of mild guys I think. Beatrice is great of course. So is Battler because even if he's a sucker, by virtue of being the protag he gets to show off some smarts and i appreciate that in a character. amongst the adults I think I liked Eva and Hideyoshi. And maybe Natsuhi?? I feel like I would've liked Kyrie more if she had some more focus, but I think she never really got a lot going on. I cried over Maria the most. I preferred Lambdadelta over Bernkastel.

[coraniaid]

The scene where Willow confronts Faith is Choices is kind of fascinating to me, because ... well.

I like Choices quite a lot, and I think Willow's dislike of Faith is perfectly understandable and in character (and her speech has some fun but probably not intentional foreshadowing for later seasons), but it's hard not to notice that the narrative expects you to be rather more unambiguously on Willow's side than I think is really warranted.

I mean, Willow might not have been the most popular girl in high school, but she has multiple close friends, a nice boyfriend, a stable [and fairly comfortably middle-class] home life, she "represents the pinnacle of achievement in Sunnydale High" in the words of her school's principal, she's trusted enough to teach at the school, in a year she'll be able to go to any college she wants (and, unlike some people, she can afford to go anywhere she wants), she used to hack into government computer databases (before she ever met Buffy!) and now she's teaching herself dark magic "for fun" and she hasn't [yet] ever suffered any real repercussions for either of those things.

On the other hand, from what little we hear about Faith's past we know she grew up poor and that her mother used to get drunk and beat her, that she didn't have any friends and dropped out of high school young, she is very strongly implied on multiple occasions to have been the victim of some pretty horrific abuse before being called as a Slayer, and after being called as a Slayer she got to watch the one adult who ever told her she mattered get killed horribly in front of her before fleeing across the country to a town where she doesn't know anybody, still has no friends, doesn't have a job or go to school and lives alone in a motel in the bad part of town. And when she accidentally killed a man, while trying to do the whole slaying vampires thing she's supposed to be doing, the Watcher's Council -- who never actually bothered to send her a new Watcher of her own -- decided to have her abducted and dragged away to England [a fate which surely nobody deserves].

Yet a part of Willow clearly thinks (and almost outright says) "oh, well, yeah, but she hangs out with Buffy sometimes when I don't get to and she slept with the guy -- not my nice boyfriend! -- who I used to have a crush on (and who I was briefly cheating on said boyfriend with), so it's clearly impossible to say which of us really had things worse and I don't need to feel sorry for her". And -- again, while this is great characterisation for Willow -- it's kind of hard not to notice that the writers think she has a compelling point.

Yes, sure, Faith has defected to working for the Mayor and has a knife drawn on Willow this scene (she's not anything like a blameless victim at this point of the story) and it takes a certain level of physical bravery for Willow to stand up for herself despite that. But ... I mean, come on. "You had friends like Buffy" is only true if you accept it to mean "you had exactly one friend, who was Buffy". "It's way too late" for Faith to seek forgiveness ... how many people has Faith killed at this point? One, by mistake? Giles has killed more people than that. "Some people think you had a lot of bad breaks?" Yeah, actually in Faith's shoes I'd want to hit Willow after she said that too.

I realize that part of the show's central thesis -- something that explicitly came up as recently as Earshot -- is the idea that everybody, regardless of how comfortable their life might seem from the outside, has their own sorrow and pain and (only occasionally metaphorical) demons to fight. But while that's not entirely wrong, it's also ... not entirely complete? Everyone has it bad sometimes, but some people really do have it worse than others. Pretending otherwise is ... not a serious position to take.

Willow's life could be better, but she's not gone through anything like Faith has. I'd argue she literally can't imagine how bad Faith's life has been. She really doesn't have as much moral authority as the show's writers think she has at this point.

[Compare this part of Season 3 with the first half of Season 6, when the show is overflowing with sympathy for Willow's abrupt descent into magic addiction but has no sympathy at all for Amy Madison, whose own magic addiction is just implied to be because she's inherently a Bad Person who Willow needs to avoid and whose own horrific past and abusive mother and complete lack of support system is just entirely forgotten about. Or, indeed, to the weird take of Dead Man's Party, which has Buffy apologize to Willow for ... what? Having problems of her own that don't revolve around Willow? Being too busy mourning the loss of everything she ever cared about to tell Willow how uniquely special and amazing she was for learning rudimentary magic? Not being grateful enough for Willow restoring Angel's soul without bothering to ask Buffy if that was something she still wanted her to try?]

So, the overall effect is ... yeah, it's a good scene. But it's almost a good scene despite the writer's intentions, not because of them. It's much less of an ambiguously triumphant moment for WIllow than I believe we're meant to read it as.

[eisforeidolon]

Question: I want to know what was your most favorite unscripted scene or your least favorite scripted scene or moment?

Jared: Oh wow. Great question. I'm thinking about a moment where -

Jensen: Wait, let me guess - I punched you?

Jared: Yep, where Sam gets possessed by the Meg demon and finally gets exorcised, but he had been like, kinda torturing Dean? And so Dean reaches over, after Sam is back to Sam, like 'What happened?' and just punches him? That was in season two, Jesus.

Jensen: That wasn't scripted.

Jared: That wasn't scripted. There's so much that wasn't necessarily scripted, you know? Certain moments - one of my least favorite things, maybe my least favorite thing that any writer can put into a script? Is like, Dean cries, Sam breaks down, Dean tears up, Sam and you know, whatever, do this. 'Cause there were so many, if you were to go through all of the scenes of Supernatural, which there are many? And then watch the episodes, rarely was there a sequence where it was like they get emotional where we did and there was so many where they don't even mention that we get emotional, but you just feel it. You're just there and you're like - I hate it where it's like, this is where I'm supposed to cry [derisive noise]. 'Cause sometimes you don't even know, you'll go through a scene and you'll go, like, oh shit, like, that's hittin' deep. And it's not because it's scripted. So offhand, God -

Jensen: I think there's a lot of moments, especially some of the emotional moments. One comes to mind, which is the barn scene -

Audience: Which one?

Jensen: [slightly incredulous tone] Which one?

Jared: The most recent one.

Jensen: Yeah.

Jared: Genius.

Jensen: Where I'd be interested to go back and look - and I can't remember if - maybe they didn't use it, go back and read that scene on the script and see how word for word it was on the performance. Because I feel like there were takes where I know I would maybe repeat myself, or I would say some things that I thought were, you know, dove into the emotion even more. And it wasn't something I'd planned, it's just like - felt it, you just feel something and if - when you've worked with somebody for so long, and you're so comfortable with the character, and you know the story so well, you can be available for those things to hit and you can act on them, and you can say those words, and you can say something that just makes it feel more real. And I feel like we did that in that scene, there was some dialogue that maybe was added -

Jared: It's a lot. I know, yeah.

Jensen: or massaged, or you know.

Jared: I don't know if it was ever added to a revision, or if we just did it, but the callback of, like, I can't do this alone, yes you can, well I don't want to? It's the exact same words that Dean said to Sam and vice versa. So there was stuff that wasn't scripted initially - and that goes back to an earlier question, about if there's stuff like Jensen do whatever you want. Like the feeling of that scene was like, here guys, we know this intense -

Jensen: Here's the template.

Jared: here's the template, make it y'all's. Like, y'all know Sam and Dean more than anybody ever will, you make it yours. And so he and I had a couple months because then COVID happened, the pandemic, and so we made it ours. It was so hard to rehearse that scene.

Jensen: Well, even the - like it was scripted where I was on the ground. [Jared: Yeah.] And Jared comes up and kind of cradles me and I'm, you know, like, effectively dying in his arms.

Jared: Which would have been so long to try and carry your ass.

Jensen: And I just felt really strongly, and I've told this story before, and I went to Bob Singer, who directed that episode, I went to him a couple days prior just thinking about that scene, because it was a monster, and it was looming. And I just - it didn't feel right, to die laying down. And I said, hey, is there any way - because they were still building the set - I was like, is there any way, can we figure out a way for me to die on my feet? And Bob was like, [curmudgeonly voice] how the hell are you gonna do that? Who dies on their feet? And I'm like, Dean Winchester dies on his feet. And he made it work brilliantly, because he came, I think he came up with the idea that the impalement was so severe that if you removed it - and then we had to add that dialogue in, so it made me stay there on my feet and I think it was just such a much more powerful visual, to see these two brothers face to face in that moment. And so, you know, that was certainly one big thing that was totally unscripted that I fought for and I'm really happy I did, because -

Jared: Hell yes.

Jensen: I think it just made that scene that much more powerful.

Jared: Also I'm grinning to myself because I've watched a lot of the 15x20 reaction videos, the finale? And there's some really savvy tv viewers out there who've seen a lot of different television shows, a lot of different episodes of them. And you'll watch some and they'll be like, 'Oh, yeah, oh Sam's takin' on the big guy, oh yeah take that blah blah blah!' And then when Dean goes to the post and then runs out where it shows, they'll be like, 'Yeah - oh no. Oh c'mon now, no no no, they just showed that for too long - Oh shit! And then, like, turn it off because I'm crying.

Jensen: I still love the fact that the stunt guy, who is awesome, he's like ex-military, giant, one of the biggest guys we've ever had on our show, his name was Heidi. And he killed Dean Winchester [laughs]. But he's an awesome guy and in fact I was just in Vancouver and working with Jesse and Jesse and Heidi are like super close buds now, so it was good to kinda reminisce with those guys a little bit.

[vtewig]

The Identity of Deku's Dad

Has anybody else been so hyped after reading the latest chapters of MHA (418-422) because of the hints that the identity of Deku's father will be revealed soon?

In chapter 422, The U.S. president is shown, stating that all American heroes are to come to Japan, so perhaps Deku's father might be on that list of people arriving to help out.

I know there is still the possibility of the reveal being Dad for One, which is an interesting theory in my opinion, but the other chance that it might be an individual who works with heroes or is one of them also seems very intriguing.

It could also be the president himself, given how he is always in the shadows, but I honestly feel there is a slim chance for that to be true.

I can't be certain how Horikoshi will put the puzzle pieces of who Izuku's father is together, but I feel the president panels might be a piece of the puzzle somehow. His face is in the shadows...

...but again so was AFO's face for a long time.

I still feel really strongly about the DFO theory. On one hand I do see how people might be displeased by it, because AFO does insert himself in a lot of characters lives and influences them from the background, but precisely because of that I find him a very interesting and fleshed out character. So desperate for attention and love, even when he has it he doesn't know how to respond to it. He is also quite a charming character, which I feel you would have to be to impress the lovely Inko Midoriya. She is just too amazing, I also feel that he would be drawn to her as well because of that. Or perhaps because she bears resemblance to a certain Shimura? But again, Inko is very different to Nana, as in, she appears much softer as a character than Nana does, and I feel AFO would crave that from a person given that he wasn't taken care of and had to help his brother out and grew up in a very feral state and an incredibly hostile environment for anybody, let alone a child. Even though he does end up using people, I do think that that is because of his defense mechanism and constant living on survival mode affecting him.

AFO is also someone who doesn't want people to know the real him, his weaknesses and inner thoughts, his human side. The memories he does share with Deku and Tomura are only to traumatize them and break them up; in short: they are carefully curated.

If DFO does come into play, I feel that Tomura/Tenko will have a hand in the reveal. Perhaps helping or saving Izuku from within the vestige world? Maybe he will be able to help by seeing Izuku's memories and altering them like Deku did for him, because in the case that does end up happening, Deku will be the one needing a helping hand in coping with the reveal, and who better than the boy who that man was a father figure to as well. And in the end Deku and Tomura could also together "defeat" AFO by seeing his memories and saving the defenseless child he once was.

This is probably overthinking, but I wanted to share my thoughts with you guys. I love trying to guess what will happen and still being surprised by Horikoshi's amazing execution each time. I would love to read what you guys have to say on the topic.

[diagonal-queen]

May i request headcanons of lovesick tecchou? :)

yes you can!

Lovesick Tecchou Headcanons

♡ pairing: Tecchou Suehiro x gn!Reader

♡ synopsis: ...read the title bestie

♡ cw: Kinda obsessive and toxic behaviour. Being lovesick is fine but don't hurt anybody!

note: This kind of borders on yandere Tecchou. Sorry if that's not what you wanted T-T and apologies for errors, hope you enjoy x

Tecchou loves very strongly though he may not seem like the type. He can come off as obsessive at times but that's just because he loves you so much <3

He's so extremely protective of you. He wants to be near you whenever he's able to and so most of the time

He gets jealous rather easily whenever you spend time with anybody he considers to be a romantic rival, but he always feels bad about it. He wants to trust that you'll choose him but he can't help his self-doubt.

He makes up any excuse to either have you stay the night at his place, or he stays at yours. Tecchou feels like it's the only way he can keep you safe at all times, and plus he feels lucky to be around you in your most vulnerable state.

He tends to zone out and daydream about your hypothetical future lives together. Jouno can tell when he does this and he's so tired of it.

Tecchou likes to provide subtle but kind acts of service for you. Sharing his food with you, holding open doors, putting a blanket over you when you fall asleep...things like that. He loves the feeling he has when you thank him for that kind of stuff.

While he's working, there are times when he just wants to leave so he can spend time with you. But you're also one of his main motivations as a Hunting Dog, because he knows that in the end he's not only helping the country, but you as well.

His absolute favourite thing in the world is when you two are cuddling one another and he gets to lay his head on your chest while you play with his hair. It makes him feel safe too, and while doing so he likes to pretend that you feel the exact same about him as he does for you.

You're one of the main things Tecchou talks to the other Hunting Dogs about. Jouno listened at first but he's very much started tuning it out by now, as have the rest of the members. You're his biggest distraction.

He's always there for you whenever you're experiencing any troubles, and he'll do everything in his power to fix them for you.

When it comes to your romantic issues though, he can get a little jealous. He'll still listen and console you, but if there's anyone specifically bothering you he is gonna have a word with them.

When I say word, I really do mean word. He might be jealous but he is an honourable and sensible person. If need be he might make a threat or two though, because he just can't help himself. He loves you so much and nobody who would hurt you deserves to be yours.

Tecchou is more than willing to let you borrow his clothes, and in fact he sometimes subtly encourages it. Maybe he left his shirt on your couch or maybe he convinced you not to bring a jacket when the two of you go out, knowing you'll end up needing one and he'll be able to give you his. He thinks you look adorable in his clothes.

He has so many drafted love confessions to you in his Notes app, he's got several playlists dedicated to you, you're his Wi-Fi password. He'll find a way to incorporate you into far too many aspects of his life.

He also memorises almost everything about you. If you tell him something random about yourself, like your favourite food or a bone you've broken before, he'll remember it all. He might also mention it later so you know that he's always listening to you.

Tecchou loves you so much, more than anything. Why don't you love him back?

Taglist~ ♡ @gettinshiggywithit, @fedyushka, @flower-of-darkness, @bejeweledgirl

[thankshermin]

About Beast!Dazai and His Strategies Backfiring

It backfired so bad he ended up offing himself so I have to talk about it a little. I might be a little biased because I've been crying to Beast for like two years now and I can't be consoled.

Look... Beast!Dazai makes me want to cry hysterically, just like most things about Beast, but one thing especially strikes. 

Literally, NO ONE liked him and that was not what he wanted, at all he was not cool with this but there was nothing he could do about it.

He did every little shitty thing purely out of his selfish wishes– he wanted to be loved, particularly by Oda. So he thought he could do whatever he wanted because he knew he had/has people who cared/cares about him in the other universes. He was paying special attention to Oda because they couldn’t be both alive and well and friends in any other universe. He thought that the other bonds he had with other people would just happen someday and that it was a package deal. 

But he did NOT put any effort into that. Therefore, no one likes him. In fact, I'd say lots of characters dislike Beast!Dazai strongly. 

(and I can't even blame them because Dazai was an asshole for the whole light novel,,, if you want people to care about you YOU have to show them that, Dazai, I'm sorry no one taught you that you are so tragically unaware of everything it makes me sad) 

Still... he didn’t want it to turn that way. The thing I'd like to see more people mentioning is the fact that Beast!Dazai is a very emotionally driven character. He might be the Boss of the Mafia but that doesn't automatically mean he can't be highly emotional. He acted the way he did because he tried to pursue something he wanted, not because it was necessary for the Port Mafia. 

...Says the Boss himself.

While the mafia is obviously powerful as hell in Beast, it is still sad because... well, still no one likes the boss so what is even the point of being the leader. (I’m aware Mori is also not loved among most of the characters but it’s not his turn yet so just ignore him.) 

And I’m always telling people this but what makes me like (canon) Dazai’s character is the fact that he is constantly trying. He is not the best person out there but hey he is improving, okay? And that’s what matters to me. I love it when characters show development, whether it’s towards the good or bad side. 

What draws the line between Canon and Beast Dazai’s is that Canon!Dazai has people who care about his well-being (I'm not arguing about this with anybody but just in case if you want examples; Atsushi, Kunikida, the whole ADA actually, Chuuya, Ango, even Mori and i can still go on) and that he is learning from his mistake whileBeast!Dazai had never tried to change and just did whatever he wanted and now, surprise surprise, no one likes him. 

TL;DR: I feel so bad for Beast!Dazai I wish he didn’t constantly harm those around him and instead made some friends. His small conversation at the bar with Oda speaks volumes.

He was so happy that his eyes were glowing because he finally found someone he thought would be the #1 best friend in the world (yeah how did that feel when you got a gun pointed at you, Dazai? Turns out you don't automatically become friends with the person who has a valid reason to hate you.) 

Anyway thx for reading my rambling I have to go back to study biology for now.

[smhalltheurlsaretaken]

Stumbled upon your master list of SW meta you wrote, and enjoyed reading through some of them, especially the ones that examined and defended the jedi order. I point to the jedi order in particular because when you pointed out that the number of jedi in the galaxy are proportionally smaller compared to a planet with a population in the trillions, it reminded me of a bad take regarding the order (which is conflated with the whole "the jedi are actually the bad guys" in SW): that the jedi are eugenicists because their adoption of force sensitive children. This never sat right with me given that the jedi never seemed the type to be concerned with propagating their numbers in some form of "purity" (genetic or force sensitivity wise). Any chance you can gleam into the nitty-gritty of this take's unsavory implications?

OOf, that's an old ask, and that reminds me that I really need to update that masterlist 😅 (and me saying that is an even older draft, oops 😂)

Okay, the idea of the Jedi being *eugenicists* is SO out of left field that I feel like it doesn't even deserve to be really addressed so much as mocked, because words mean things.

To be quite fair, I don't think I've ever seen anybody seriously use that word. (It may very well have happened tho, I just can't remember somebody seriously making the claim and sticking to it.) Even the infamous KT rant (see below) doesn't call them that - the extremely weird and frankly absurd take is that they embody supremacist ideas and that people who are into them believe there is such a thing as an inherently superior person. She does use the word "Nazi" (just wow), but I don't think she was going for the eugenics part, just the run of the mill white supremacy theories. People on both sides of the argument may have misquoted/misinterpreted her on that though.

(Seriously woman, why were you even writing for Star Wars?! YOU DIDN'T EVEN LIKE IT!)

Now, eugenics? (This post is so weird to write, I can't even) ⇊

It is LAUGHABLE to use it in relation to the Jedi Order, because as you accurately put it, the Jedi just aren't interested in... making babies.

Do they force their members to procreate, even artificially? Absolutely not.

Are they seeking to improve the Order by only taking in the healthiest, strongest, most powerful children? No. They were ready to reject Anakin, for one thing.

Are they studying how to arrange reproduction in the rest of the galactic population? No.

Is there a ban on non-Jedi Force sensitives having children of their own? No. Are they forced or even strongly encouraged to have children of their own? No.

Do Jedi control who Force-sensitives are allowed to have children with? No.

Do Jedi test for Force-sensitivity and keep records of it? Yes. But they don't seem to keep genealogies - there's nothing that says the list in the Holocron is a permanent one either - rather, the way it's phrased and the way there's only babies on it, names are probably erased eventually. And the purpose of the list has nothing to do with increasing the occurence of Force-sensitivity.

Are non-Jedi Force sensitives forced by law to give up their kids? No.

Do Jedi automatically take in Force-sensitive children anyway? No. Bardotta and Dathomir are right there and nobody's bothering them.

Is the Order ableist? No. We even see plenty of disabled Jedi and nobody is throwing them out. (Amputees like Anakin and elderly people like Yoda and Tera Sinube, for starters. Also Prosset Dibs, or Tahl in Legends).

The Force isn't even proven to be reliably 'transmissible' from one generation to the next - the Force 'being strong' in particular families may just as easily be for more spiritual reasons depending on how you want to look at it. Because, you know, Star Wars isn't all literal.

IT'S JUST SO DUMB.

NOTHING ABOUT HOW THE ORDER WORKS HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH WHAT THAT WORD MEANS.

(I'm sorry I'm not dissing you for the ask I just don't get how anybody could ever have said that 😂😭)

[kolour-me-kourt]

Chapter Three: Ten steps ahead

Otp with Trin

"Lorenzo called bae talking about y'all really not gon go back out I think that's crazy asf seeing how I saw you two and it was a spark YN stop self sabotaging!!!  you think you need to be single but you don't you can handle a man and do everything you're trying to do. I've never thrown no man at you but Lorenzo could really be your future stop chasing a unicorn man and try Lorenzo he's everything that you ever said you wanted I'm getting tired of this shit" Trinity rarely got her friend together and from Trinity point of view YN could totally understand why tf one of her best friends just snapped on her.

"Trin you don't understand everything that's going on I didn't say anything was wrong with Lorenzo I just said I can't date him now" "tell me what's going on then" "I'm not ready to tell anybody what's going on" "YN just go out with him again damn!" YN laughed finally giving in "only cause you feel so strongly about this .... I'll call him" "thank you hang up and do it right now" "damn bye trin" "bye YN"

YN took a deep breath calling Lorenzo could piss Lamelo off and she didn't wanna do that the last thing she wanted was him to leave her alone again. She contemplated everything Trin said was settling in because at the end of the day YN didn't think she would end up with Lamelo and yeah it hurt to think about but she needed to be realistic.

"Fuck it!!!" YN screamed and FaceTime Lorenzo. She only FaceTimed cause she looked really good right now after shooting some pictures for Instagram and she needed him to remember her face. He answered pretty fast. "Ohhhhhh shittttt I thought this was a butt dial" YN laughed "nooo its not... you alone?" "Yeah I'm alone wussup" "so when you called the other day it gave me really warm feelings and I um was completely telling you the truth I am in something but .... I really would like to go out with you I don't know it's something about you and if I'm gonna continue to be honest Trin is pissed at me" Lorenzo laughed "don't feel forced to go out with me cause ov your friend"

"no not forced she's just never set me up with a man because she always felt like nobody deserved me .... And then you came along and well" "you think ima say no to your pretty ass? Of course not" YN laughed he continued to talk "I actually have tickets to the Hornets game on Tuesday I'll love to take you" YN started to panic "um you sure you don't wanna take a friend ... to the game?" "Nah I definitely wanna take you I know you like basketball soo.... And then we can go to dinner or whatever you want after" YN wanted to correct him nooo I like basketball .... Players.She smiled at her thoughts but continued thinking what's the luckily hood that Lamelo would see her in the stands like 3%?

"Okay yes that's sounds fun" "alright the game start at seven but I like to get there a little earlier" "okay I'll be ready" "I'll come and get you I'll probably try to get to the game at the latest ... 6:45 so if you can be ready before then" " okay Ummm yeah I'll send you my address and I can be ready by like 6:20 so ...." He laughed "okay perfect thanks for calling" "thanks for answering byeeee" "bye YN" She hangs up the nervousness that ran through her body was on a thousand.

*game night*

Lorenzo was already outside waiting YN sprayed her perfume and looked at herself one last time before relaxing at least she looked good.

She walked out of the house he was waiting beside the car. "Wowwwwww" he claps as she walked out "nahhh stop" "you look amazing" "thank you" he open the car door for her. Allowing her to get in and then he shut it. Getting back in the drivers seat "I can't get over how good you look" " Lorenzoooo" she laughed "okay YN I'll chill out"

* at the game*

The game was at halftime and so far so good Melo hadn't looked in the stands not one time. YN did see Lamelos girlfriend a couple of rows down she tried to stay clear of her. But all those good vibes went away when the Jumbotron started to pan around the crowd doing something newly introduced "fit check" they were looking at some of the best and worst dressed people  YN was scrolling through her phone while they were doing this and then the camera stopped on her Lorenzo tapped her pointing at the screen making her look up. She smiled out of nervousness as the man asked her to stand up.

YN of course put on for the camera it was a really cute outfit. Soon enough the camera moved on and she saw Lamelos girlfriend staring her down. Waiting for YN to make eye contact but YN wouldn't and then the bold bitch walked up to her. "Fuck play it cool Lorenz" "what's going on?" "Lamelos girlfriend is coming up here to talk to me" and then she was in her face "heyyyy YN why you didn't tell me you were coming I would've got you better seats" Lorenzo looked at her like shady bitch which made YN laughed. "I came with Lorenzo it was a last minute thing" "oooou so is this date number two?"  The game was about to start back so YN tried to doge the question "oh looks like their about to start back up.... I'm sorry what were you saying" Lorenzo laughed he realized what she was doing "oh I was coming up here to ask if you two wanted to hang out with me And Melo after the game we have dinner plans for four but the other two people canceled ... wanna come" before YN could say anything Lorenzo "hell yeah we'll be there" "yay okay Um I'll send the address" "okayyy see you later" YN says "see yaaaa"

Both of her man in the same room.... At the same table......, and she was just supposed to be normal wtf? "Oh shit I get to meet Lamelo Ball that'll be fun" "yeah Um he's super chill not stuck up at all" "good I guess I won't ask for pictures and embarrass you" YN laughed she wondered how Melo was gonna react when his girl tells him..... oh well too late to back down now. Plus when she saw Lorenzo face get so excited she couldn't take this opportunity away from him.

   *time skip*

"Are you ready?" YN asked Lorenzo before they got out of the car "yeah you good? You got a little quiet on me" "yeah Um I'm just a little tired ... the game was so good all that screaming got me ... tired" YN sighed he laughs "oh okay well if you get too tired let me know and we'll go" "okay sounds like a plan" she reached for the door he stops her by placing his hand gently on her arm "can I ask you something?" "Yeah" "do you not like his girlfriend or something?" YN laughed "um I don't have a problem with her I just don't know her that well" "I get a vibe from her" YN lifted a eyebrow

"oh really? Do tell" Lorenzo laughed "you want me to be blunt?" "1000%" "okay I think she wanna fuck you" "whatttt!" "Yeah who gets up and goes like six rows back just to talk to one person she could've got your number faster or even dm you and then the way she looks at you and she's trying to see if we together together or just a few dates and you always dodge those questions"

YN sat there shocked that would explain a lot "oh my gosh she wanna fuck me" YN started coming to the conclusion "probably a threesome" "ew" he laughed "you don't like threesomes" YN eyes got wide "I haven't been in a threesome that would imply that I was eating the box and I'm not especially not hers" "wym?she fly Why you say it like that" "if I was gonna date a bitch she wouldn't look like everybody else .... I can pick out four people who look just like her without even trying no shade though " "you wild but you right" "I know I like when celebrities date women who just look like women they still be beautiful asf without all the extra whatever or those black men you never seen with a brown or dark skin girl .... Likeeee you ain't never seen a bad dark skin girl? I know you fuckin lying or the dudes who just straight up don't date black women or if she black you can't tell she black that shit annoys me" "I can tell" he smiled a little bit she tried to relax "tell me that makes sense.... Like yes they're some bad bitches who are light skin but they're some bad bitches who are darker too like I don't get black men who straight up don't date black women it's wild asf"

"nah I definitely agree with you especially men of certain status only date the type of women you name it gives off a certain vibe and I don't like the message that put out there .... Shit I'll probably have a dark skin daughter and I don't want her thinking she less beautiful because the media that shit wild" "wow .... You actually know about colorism and pay attention to it" "yeah I'm educated about black issues of course" YN smiled..... a deep conversation.... Something she's never had with Lamelo ".... Um you wanna go in ? Before I change my mind?" YN smiled "yeah let's go" they walk into the building it was a pretty small restaurant so Lorenzo was looking around "oh they back there" he pointed grabbing YN's hand pulling her along "slow down please" "my bad I was trying to move out of people way" Nobody was around he was rushing to Lamelo she rolled her eyes and then they were at the table.

She knew Melo long enough to know he was pissed and trying to hide it. His girlfriend jumped up when she saw YN. "Babe you remember YN and this is her boyfriend.... I didn't catch your name" YN bit her lip this bitch did not just say boyfriend Lorenzo quickly spoke up "um Lorenzo and I'm not her boyfriend.... Yet" YN laughed out of nervousness "heyyy did you get drinks yet?" "Nice to see you again YN nice to meet you Lorenzo" Melo shook his hand and Lorenzo sat down beside him

"no we were gonna wait on you to get drinks" "aww thank you" YN smiled Melo watched YN intently he didn't even realize he was doing it " uh good game bro" Lorenzo tried to make conversation with Melo "thank you ... it's to be expected" YN laugh Melo licked his lips sitting up "what's so funny?" "...bae" his girlfriend warned him YN smiled "y'all don't always win nobody always wins .... Soooo how is it expected" "I was on fire my teammates were on fire and the team we played was cold so by the second quarter you already know that shit was going our way" "oh okay well I don't pretend to be a sports head so what would I know" "you love basketball though at least I thought you did" Lorenzo chimes in "uh I watched a lot of sports yeah but I'm not a expert ask me some dance questions and then I can tell you the ins and out" "oooou so you were a dancer?" LBG says trying to change the tense conversation

"yeah from like 10 to 18 when I got to college I just wanted to focus on being in school so I stopped" "wowww you went to college pretty and smart" "thank you...I try" "so you didn't play any sports growing up?" Lamelo asked "I just said I danced" YN squinted her eyes "dance is a sport?" "You think it's not?!" "You do turns and shit anybody can do that you don't need to warm up for that" YN laughed "wowww anything you do conditioning for and you sweat for is a sport shit if people think bowling is a sport dance is for sure a sport" "oh okay nice logic" YN couldn't roll her eyes hard enough "do a split and then you can talk to me" " a split makes somebody an athlete?" Melo

Laughed loudly "Nah but you claim that anybody can do what dancers do so do a split" "my dick too big" "Lamelo!!" His girlfriend kicked him under the table YN laughed "I doubt it" YN laughed and then continued talking "anywayyyyyy hi Baeee" she said talking to Lorenzo waving at him sipping some water

"hey beautiful" "awww you two are so cute... right bae? .....Aren't they cute?...... y'all are cute!!"  His girl kept talking because Melo never chimed in "yeah" he says quietly to shut her up "your watch is nice" Lorenzo said to LBG  "thanks I got it on my birthday.... Maybe two years ago" and it was then YN noticed her bracelet.... The very same two tone Cuban link Melo had given her just last week. Melos phone started to ring "ima go outside and take this" "okay Bae"

"Nice bracelet where did you get it?" "Cute story actually Melo just brought it home from Chicago said as soon he saw it he knew I would love it .... He was clearly right" "ohhh I have one like that and a necklace too" "oh really? where'd you get it?" "A friend gave it to me a little while ago" "oh great minds think a like I guess"

YN phone vibrated she looked down to see Melos message

GO TO THE BATHROOM NOW!!! And don't even think about playing with me

"it's great when they just know right?" "Right!?! I guess we've been together so long he should know these things .... Lorenzo what type of things do you think YN likes" "we still getting to know eachother it's really the first date ... we always end up with another couple right YN?" "Right it's crazy how that happens no telling who it'll be next time" they shared a laugh "hmmm next time?" Lorenzo licked his lips YN smiled "and on that note I have to go to the bathroom really quick ... do you know where it is?" "Yeah it's right by the entrance" "okay I'll be right back" she winked at Lorenzo and picked her phone and purse up heading to the bathroom and it was just a two stall bathroom and Melo was in there waiting for her.

"Yes?" She said sweetly "don't fuckin play with me! You bring that nigga right in here in front of me be glad I didn't slap that nigga" "For what?" "YN you deadass  right now?" "Daddy don't be mad he had tickets and I really wanted to see you" she rubbed his chest down to his pants "stop touching me" he calmed down considerably "move away and I will" he didn't move at all "why did you come here then?" "Your girl went out of her way to invite us" "she said you invited her" "what?!?! No she legit got out of her seat and came back there just to talk to me and then she invited me" "why she lie then" "why tf would I know" "damn"

"does she lie about a lot of things cause she told me an interesting story about the bracelet she got on" was YN jealous? Yes cause why tf would he get them matching jewelry like they sharing dick already can he get original gifts "she sent me a picture of it and said she wanted it so I got it for her" "before or after mine?" "After yours my jeweler posted the necklace and bracelet I got you so she said she wanted it so I had him make her one too"  " that's not the story I got" "what story you get" "basically you saw it and said she had to have it and brought it back for her" he smacked his lips "bae I promise she lying"

"bae!?!?!?!?l" "shhhhh calm down" "you calling me bae while talking about your bitch? That's wild" YN laughed he shook his head smiling he didn't know what came over him "let me leave but know I'll be at your place soon and you better be alone" "yeah yeah yeah whatever " Melo grabbed her neck kissing her deeply "you wanna play with me? I can't wait to fuck yo ass" and then He left "I can't wait for you to fuck me" YN laughed while actually using the bathroom and then washing her hands walking out.

Melo and Lorenzo were deep in conversation about something "glad your back they're having boy talk" "ooooh about what?" "Mortal Kombat something you don't know nothing about" Lorenzo said YN gasp as she sat down "nigga I'll beat everybody at this table in Mortal Kombat don't play with me" "who you play with then?" "The bad bitches Jade  Mileena or Kitana if I'm trying to switch it up Fr I might play with Raiden or Scorpion" "I play with Scorpion" Lorenzo said "oh I'll love to beat yo ass with a Character you play with" "so much for boy talk" LBG said YN laughed

"my bad girl" Lamelo laughed he couldn't believe the situation he was in was he pissed at YN hell yeah but at least she made it fun.And he appreciated YN especially tonight cause he knew one thing for sure ..... his girl be lying on him.

*time skip*

The dinner was done and now Lorenzo was walking YN back up to her door. "Thanks for the call.... I hope you had fun" "I definitely did we have a lot in common" it was at this very moment Melo pops in her head screaming about niggas don't date without fucking "uh so I think we can be friends or something because I have a sick feeling that my competition is way out of my league so ima bow out gracefully" Lorenzo said softly almost like he didn't wanna say it

"I get it I respect it... gimmie hug" YN laughed and they hugged eachother he smelled so damn good he kissed the top of her head making her pull a way "well YN I had a great night I'll probably see you a game night with Trinity?" "Yeah she mentioned it to me no details though" "oh well hopefully I'll see you then if not I'll see you around"

"okay Lorenz.... Drive home safe" "I will" he started to walk off "byeee" "bye!!" YN unlocked her door walking in....

"Boy why are you sleep on my couchhhhhh" YN whined "hey to you too" "heyyy why you in my house Lamelo" she takes her shoes off after locking the door and hanging her keys and purse "you took too long to get home where y'all go after dinner" "where you go" "depends on who asking I might be out with my teammates and then the gym the real answer is straight here .... Now answer me" "we drove around and talked and got some desert .... Wait a second how you get in here?" "YN everybody know where you keep the key you need a better hiding spot" "clearly!!!! for it not be you next time I thought that fake rock was like so smart " she laughed

"I heard what happened at the door" "and?" "You would've still be dating him he broke up with you" "ain't no break up we wasn't together" "whatever you know what I'm saying" "nah tell me ... what are you saying?" "Why you let that nigga touch you?" She bit her lip "I'm waiting for a answer YN" "nahhh you called me bae earlier .... I like that" he sat up on her couch waving her over "come closer" she walked over to him "he kissed you?" "I only got one kissed tonight and that was from you" "good I still gotta wash you off though..." "wash me off?" "Yeah for me to fuck you like I wanna fuck you I don't need no trace of him on you" he stood up playing her to her bedroom.

"Get out of those clothes while I get the shower started" "you really gon wash me?" "Yeah is that a problem? You don't want no dick?" "It's no problem at all" he smirked walking into her bathroom the shower turned on. In some fucked up way she liked this. 

After he washed her slowly he took her to her bathroom counter bending her over and pulling her hair. She didn't even have anytime to register what had happened. "Fuckkkkk meeeee" "I don't even know why I'm giving you no dick .... You don't deserve It" "why not daddy" "shutup you had that Nigga in my face be glad I didn't beat his ass" he slaps her ass and then pulls her leg up so it can rest of her counter . Making her bend over even more

"blame your bitch" her eyes rolled in the back of her head Melo groaned "pussy so fuckin tight ..... you better not have no other nigga in my shit ever" she let out an airy moan she no longer could argue  "you hear me?" "Yessss" "I think this is what you wanted ... to get me all upset just to see how I would fuck you" "I—" "well now you know shut your mouth" she tried to listen she really did but this angle was doing something to her it's like he was hitting all her spots deep inside of her she felt so full.

She places her hand on her her mirror. "Look how sex you look while you getting fucked" he pulls her hair so she had no choice but to look in the mirror. "I'm gonna cum" "for who? Me or that Nigga?" "Youuuuu and only you" "tell me who this pussy belong too?" She started to bounce her ass meeting his strokes making it more intense for him. "This your Pussy" he lets go of her hair grabbing her hips with both hands and going in over drive making her cum hard screaming and shaking she leaked all over her bathroom floor. He pulls out. "Go to your bed" YN pouts " I like it right here Melo" "I didn't ask that though"

*the next day*

She woke up to Melos arms wrapped around her while he was still sleeping. It felt good until reality set in. She jumped up "get up get up now" "what?" He groaned slowly waking up "you slept over here!!! It's 12 pm go home" "oh fuck!!" He jumps up and checks his phone

He had miss calls from everybody "damn I fucked up" "get yo shit and gooo please" YN laughed "it's not funny you always getting me in some shit" Melo smiled making YN playfully roll her eyes he started walking closer "see you don't know how to keep your hands off me that's the problem" "I know how to I just don't want too" "you never went home last night that's gonna be a problem" he picks her up taking her back to the bed "I'm already not home I might as well get what I want" he slides inside her deeply making her lose her breath she taps the bed "ughhhh I knew you were Trouble" "my girl at home probably worried and I keep fuckin round wit you" she moaned loudly "well stop fuckin me then" "I don't want too" "then shut up" she smiled he put two fingers in her mouth and then shoved them in the back of her throat making sure she choked and gagged. "

You gettin bold again" "fuckkkkkkkkkkk Damn shit" " you gon cum for me baby" "yes yes yesssss" "you look so pretty when you cum for me.... When your legs shake and you moan my name" her eyes rolled in the back of her head as she struggled to do something with her hands

"aaaahhhhhhh don't you stop fuckin me don't you stop" and that's when she lost it all over his dick the liquid came squirting out of her catching them both off guard but he loved it. Especially fucking her through it as she moan and her pussy became even louder. "Daddy daddyyyyyyyy" her hand comes in between them where his thigh is slightly pushing him "don't make me stop let me hit this motherfucka you playing... squirt for me again" as her body shook again he smiled she gripped the sheets and the mattress"you'll cum for me?" YN nodded her head "nah say it" "I wanna cum for you again" "you wanna squirt?" "I just wanna cummmm"

"fuckkkkkkkk you got me about to cum with you gripping me like that" "cum for me daddy cum for meeeeeeeeee cum with me cum with Meeeeeee" and hearing her say those words along with how she was looking he  pulled out cumming right on her tummy while rubbing her clit so she could cum too.

He leaned down and kissed her as they struggled to calm down. "Let me go home before I never go home" he says on her lips she laughed "you ain't gotta go home.... But you gotta get tf out of here" "you drain all my nut and then say that?" "That's not all of it..... do me a favor don't wash that so she can taste me" "everybody should be able to taste you" he kisses her again "everybody don't get that privilege" "mmmm she'll like it" YN laughed "okay okay get out of here please I gotta shower.... Tell me how it goes when you get a chance ...." "I will I definitely think it's about to be a while.... That's why it's taking me so long to go" "it'll be okay" he kisses her check getting up he fixes his self.

"Alright I'll text you later or call you" "okay I'll be getting some work done cause I can't ever do that with you in here" YN joked some more making him laugh "my bad um bye" "byeeeee" Melo walks out of her room door she hurries and gets up "wait Melo!" "yeah?" "Did you put my key back?" "Yes it's back in your fake ass rock" she smiled "okay okay lock my door please and then put it back byeee" she really didn't want him to leave and she hated she felt that way. " I will Bye YN" he walks out of the front door. She sighs walking back into her bedroom it's a mess. Why was she throwing things during sex.... It felt that good last night? She doubts it.

*later that day*

....Take a ride into the danger zone You know my nigga be buggin' me I just be wonderin' if you can fuck on me better Itchin' for me like an ugly sweater Need it in me like a Chuck E. need cheddar I need to know

YN rapped the Doja cat Verse as she finished cleaning her house from top to bottom. After her shower earlier she noticed he had left hickeys all over her body ....which sucked because she was going to the jacuzzi today in Mayas complex trin was coming Asia was coming a few of Mayas other friends that YN didn't know that well.

As soon as she thought about him he texted her

PJ said I was with him the whole night so we good .... I wanna come back over there you tell me how you feel about that

I'm going out soon I have a little pool party to go to

What your swimsuit look like?👀 let me see

😂 no you won't be seeing and idk what ima wear cause somebody left hickies all over my thighs and tummy

Damn I was in beast mode

Boy .... Bye

Wasn't saying bye when you was screaming it's my pussy ...

Go treat your girl to a bag it's the least you can do

You might be right I'll hit you later tell me when you get home

Ight

She had about two hours before her party so she sat down and got some work done. Mostly organizing and paperwork that she had failed to do because she was running around the country with Melo. If it didn't happen between 8 and 3 while she was in the office it probably wasn't going to happen. Luckily she did a lot in those hours so that once she got home she could just relax ..... but like I said the paper work was behind. Thirty minutes later Asia was knocking on her door.

"Heyyyy!!!!!" "Hey you mind if I get ready over here and we ride over together? I don't know them other bitches I don't wanna show up alone " "No it's not a problem come on in" "what you in Here doing blasting music" Asia laughed "my work so I can enjoy my time later" "alright I'll let you get back to it you won't even know I'm here" "okay boo" Asia always came to YN house before events so it was no surprise to YN that was part of the reason she didn't let Melo come back. One thing Asia can do is keep a secret but she doesn't need her friend to know cause once she knows that's all their gonna talk about. About an hour later YN closes her laptop going to find Asia. "Sooooo what you wearing?" Asia asks while she was putting her braids into the perfect high bun.

"I have options but idk come chose for me" Asia finishes her hair and then they go up to YN's room looking at her swim suits on her bed

"I was leaning toward the white one or the black one with more coverage because I got some things I need to cover up" "ooou like what?" "Hickies" "I knew you been fucking!!! You too happy" YN laughed "yeah he definitely marked his territory on me though" "I think the white is so white that'll it'll bring attention to your hickies.... Where they at let me see" YN lifted her shirt showing her friend her stomach and thighs. Asia backs away slowly trying to see if she can see them from far away.

"The white one will actually be cute I think that's the way to go" "okay that's what I'll be wearing ... you need sandals? Or a towel?" "No I brought some and I brought a bottle for us and strictly us" YN laughed "okay I was gonna bring some champagne... you know how I am" "so we need to Uber" "definitely" "let's call Maya" YN FaceTimes Maya " do you have food and everything" "yeah can y'all go to the abc store....." "for what?" " I feel like we need more alcohol" "girl if you drink too much it's easier to drown" YN said seriously in the camera "it's a jacuzzi YN" "it's still a body of water" "just say you don't wanna go" YN laugh "I don't wanna go me and Asia ubering to your place anyway" "ooooh you should've been said that well okay let me see if trin will do it" "hoe if you don't just instacart some alcohol and get the simply spiked" "I don't have instacart on my phone" "just send me what you trying to get I'll send it to you damn" "thank you best friend" "uh huh whatever" YN laughs hanging up

***time skip**

The party was fun the night ended with no injuries and nothing but great vibes. YN and Asia had just got back to her place and Asia asked to sleep over which YN said yes of course. YN had a second bedroom specifically for this reason.

"Yooo you good? Im probably gonna head to bed soon.... You know where everything is so make yourself at home" "okay I'm probably about to go to sleep too I think I had too much to drink" "Asia don't throw up in my house" YN laughs "I'm not gon throw up .... I promise but goodnight" "goodnight" YN shuts the door heading back to her room

Im outside

Of course he is

I have a friend over

Im at the door I don't care

YN laughs and goes back to her front door letting Melo in. "Hello sir what do you need?" "I left my chain over here" "mmm that's the Only reason you came over?" YN had put it in a specific place so it didn't get damaged she grabbed it while talking and then walked it back over to him. "You said your friend here not much you can do..." "why not?" "You loud and im sure y'all drunk" "I'm not drunk" he laughed "it's hard to believe" "well you got your ch—" "YN do you have makeup wi—— oh wow hello" Asia walks from behind the wall "uh Hey" Melo smiled

"do I have what?" "Makeup wipessss... YN come here" Asia says suspiciously YN laughs and walks closer to her friend "yes?" "Why does that man look just like that basketball player and you know the one I'm talking about" "because that is him" "YN stop playing im drunk not crazy" "go introduce yourself again " "you know what I will" Asia and YN walk back over to Lamelo "I'm Asia and you are?" "Melo" Asia glanced at YN "we were all at that birthday dinner" Melo remind her

"oh yeah oh yeah that sounds right I'm out of it" YN shook her head "where are the wipes?" Asia says "In my room right beside my bathroom door on the little table" "okay nice to meet you Melo" "you too!" "Soooo that's Asia... she won't say anything to anybody so don't worry" "I get the vibe she minds her own business but yeah I'll see you after the next game we going to New York" "okay I'll be ready" he kisses her lips and then her forehead and then her lips again "you got me tempted" "always.... But go home be safe" she smiles "I will see you in three days YN" he says seriously "I'll be there Melo .... Byeeee" she laughs as he starts to walk out "bye"

Asia walks out of YN's room "sooooo you been taking trips with him... it hasn't been work?" "Pop some popcorn if you wanna know this full story but it stays between us nobody knows anything Asia" "deadass?" "Fr you wouldn't know either if you wasn't here but I really been wanting to talk about it 😭😭" "okay let's go" YN and Asia sit down and YN explains the whole story from beginning to end "so are you in love with him?" "No not at all" "and he still with that girl?" "Yeah .... Which is why I've been secretive" "he the one that gave you the hickies?" "Yupp" "damn bitch this is a lot to process" YN laughs "yeah like I never really thought to be in this position but honestly it's ideal for me he usually doesn't take up too much of my time and I leave after work and the next day do everything virtual so its not effecting anything negatively. I try not to focus on him having a girl mostly cause it makes me feel bad and selfish but also she knows about him creeping and never really cares so..." "oh wait hold tf up was y'all creeping when we were all at dinner?" "Yupp" "that's why that bitch was so mad at sidechicks you the side chick" "Chileeee I know but I don't think she's put two and two together like she be going out of her way to speak to me out in public so... idk"

"damn so okay okay I'm understanding that but word on the street is she not a good person anyway so whatever usually I would tell you you're wrong but that bitch annoying" YN laughed "wym what she been doing?" "I'm surprised you ain't see it she be low key starting shit with his fans cause they be going at her so she'll post stuff specifically to get them bothered and the people said she was trying to act like she was pregnant like posted a announcement and then deleted it" "what!!!?" "Yeah and other Instagram models be like she weird and be watching people pages and stuff and trying to befriend people just to fuck them over" "she be being real nice to me too like going out of her way when she sees me always speaking" "you better watch out you have your own buzz on Instagram too ain't no telling what she trying to do" "shit I'll be watching out definitely"

One things for sure LBG wasn't slow she was strategic and if she was coming for YN YN would be ten steps ahead of her.

[mg-sytem]

Maybe we need to be a bit clearer on some things?

We're not here to be aggressive. While some alters may be more outspoken or more..blunt? Than others, none of us are going to go out of our way to attack, bully, or insult any individual people. Nor would we ever say extremely gross things about groups of people (i.e. sui baiting, calling people horrific names, etc.). Sometimes we vent, but none of us will tolerate anyone within this brain to be a bully.

I understand people get angry when someone doesn't agree with their stances. I understand people get exhausted and frustrated. I try to be understanding, but that doesn't mean I'm going to compromise my own comfort or boundaries to cater to things I just can't believe in. When people send the same questions or when people send asks out of anger, you're not going to get the answer you're wanting. You're not even guaranteed a long thought out answer. And you're not going to magically change our mind.

I do my best to stay out of y'all's spaces and I just ask for that same basic respect. Accidental interactions or just not realizing DNI breaches happen. I've done it, and I'm sure many of you have to. I literally don't care if that happens. It's part of being a person. I won't be mad! I don't go and look through every account that follows me or likes a post..I don't have the time or energy.

And I don't mean this in a rude or mean way at all, but we have a life outside of Tumblr to the point that we just don't have the time or emotional energy to dedicate to big online things, you know? We have a family, we have a lot of offline stresses to deal with and I've learned in recent years that picking battles that are in the grand scheme of things... Pretty useless is just..well..useless lol. Why would I go out of my way to message and hate on random people I'll never meet? What good would that do me? I'm not saying this in judgement of anybody, just how I personally feel about our own self.

Anyways, just trying to get it out there that I'm not this big bad enemy that needs to be put in his place. I get people feel strongly about the topic at hand, and I do too, but I don't need to attack individual people because of it, I don't need to scream it from the rooftops every day..I just don't care enough in that way.

Have a good day/night everyone

-ex host

[alittlefrenchtree]

Well it's pretty hard not to mention m&g since the interviews are promotional for that project.

But from the way everyone talks about rwrb it's not hard to understand that they just don't think it's up to par probably because it's a romcom, while m&g is the costume drama emmy worth and bottoms is the witty comedy without the romantic stuff.

There are interviews that defined it as the gay film for fetishists, others that almost made him feel guilty for having accepted the role...

I mean, I understand if people feel bad about it. I don't think anyone today wants the film to be promoted like 8 months ago, but it makes them happy to see a film mentioned that is important for many people and is also important for cinema itself with all his flaws.

The things you mention suck and are frustrating obviously, and I understand how people can feel bad. A lot of this is really frustrating, as previously said.

But, because of how popular and well loved RWRB is, any mention of it can very strongly deviate/deflect/divert (english is hard) the message Nick is paid to carry at the moment which is promote Mary & George (and TIOY). In video interviews, you can see how quick he is to draw a link between an answer to a rwrb question and his current project (I'm saying this terribly, i'm sorry) because it's what is asked of him. And if I might add, it's even more important for him (as a public person, not as him personally) to exist outside of it, if sequel is going to be a thing.

As for not being mentioned by the writer itself, I can't have access to the piece but again, many possible reasons: it wasn't relevant for what they wanted to write ; there were more relevant examples for the point(s) they wanted to make ; they were asked not to focus the conversation on it (for reasons mentioned above) so said writer hasn't anything interesting to say about it and thought it was better not mentioning at all ; writer could be a prick or a snob ; anything, i don't know.

I'm not saying that i'm happy or sad to see it mentioned or not. I really don't care to be honest. Fans are allowed to feel good for small things and bad for others and keep on enjoying and creating content for their favorite book/movie/whatever. But if they're going to be mad because the rest of the world has another agenda and doesn't work that way, they're looking at a long depressing and a bit toxic fandom experience and it's not something to wish to anybody. I think that, understanding the reasons why something is or isn't happening, can help add some perspective and not take everything so personally.

[askanaroace]

Hi,

I have been questioning if I am asexual. And I have done some reading and I listened to few podcasts and I think I got confirmation that I am asexual. The problem is that now I also question if I am aromantic. Like everyone says "lack of romantic attraction" but I am not sure how to understand that?

I am not sure if I want to kiss my boyfriend/go on romantic date because I am romantically attracted by him or because I think that is normal thing to do./something I should do. Not sure if it makes sense, sorry.

So could you please tell me how you decided to label yourself as aro? Or explain how you define the romantic attraction? Thank you!

Hey, anon!

I have a quite a bit of stuff in my aro 101 tag I think you'd be very interested in that goes over various tips and tricks for the questioning aro.

And I've gone over my own aro journey here (including some feelings descriptions), but as a caedromantic, I'm not sure it's something that's super helpful to that many aros.

But the crux of it - the part I think that is most helpful to you or generally anybody questioning - is this: labels are about feelings, not about some objectively provable fact. I identified as aro because I wanted to. I identified as aro because it made me feel good. I identified as aro because it made sense to me. I can't prove I'm aro. There is no test or diagnostic. I am aro because that's how I chose to identify myself.

I think you are definitely asking yourself some good questions! "Do I want to kiss/date him in a romantic way? A platonic way? A societally compliant way?" "Do I even want to kiss him at all?" Are great questions to explore! And it's okay to not know the answer right away. This is really confusing stuff that there is no objective answer to and no good explanation on what it feels like for everyone. Truthfully, it doesn't feel the same way to everyone, but when your experience largely lines up with what you're seeing around you in other people's relationships and in media, it's pretty easy to just make the connection and go "ooooooh, this is what people were talking about". And, unfortunately, when your experience doesn't exactly line up, it can just be a mess trying to sort out your feelings and your relationship to these expectations of how you should feel/act.

The expected way for people to feel is pretty narrow. A lot of people who technically fall outside of that may decide to identify within that for a lot of reasons, including: it's easier, they don't realize there's another option, or they don't feel strongly enough about identifying otherwise to do so. But anybody is welcome to identify outside the default, and not feeling like you fit in with everybody else is, at the base of it, why most of us do identify in some other way than "cis and straight".

I bring this up because while I think it's good and helpful and healthy for people to introspect on their feelings, for most allos, they never feel the need to because their experience matches up with what they're seeing around them. Romantic attraction doesn't have one specific feeling, but it is different enough from what you feel platonically everyday that it's just evident it's not your everyday experience you feel for most people. If it's not clear for you and you have to think about it - well, chances are that you may get a lot out of specifically labeling that, even if just to yourself.

I think one of the great first steps is letting yourself identify as aromantic for a while. You don't have to know before labeling. Part of identity is exploring and experimenting. If you think of yourself and your feelings as aromantic for a while, how does that feel? Is it comforting? Familiar? Safe? Less confusing? Intriguing?

Also, crossing out things you don't like or want is just as, if not more, useful than figuring out things you do like/want/feel. So don't discount that as part of your journey!

Aromanticism doesn't have nearly as many good resources as asexuality is beginning to have, but here's some other resources you might check out for further exploring and knowledge:

AUREA

Ace and Aro Journeys book

Hopeless Aromantic book

Aces and Aros

Good luck!

x

[lunas-a-little-looney]

I'm still new to discovering I have a system (just got over that denial bridge a few weeks ago, and have been struggling mentally since (and before) then), and the system discourse online has been very... distressing? I want to lean into safe communities meant for learning about or exploring (my own) CDD, and find some sort of comraderie.

I don't understand what's happening really - I don't exactly understand endogenic systems, but I also don't understand why people would be anti-endogenic. It just seems... hateful. And purposeless.

I've seen tons of anti-endo posts (before I learned what endo meant) that made me terrified to lean too heavily into traumagen spaces (if they could say this about awful stuff about one group of people, what could they say about me? *it is very much a learned response from trauma, but it is what it is I guess*

I guess the point is to ask if you were ever anti-endo, and what has it been like since you started making pro-endo posts? I know it's silly, but I'm trying to figure all of this out and I'm terrified of receiving hate for refusing to hate someone because of how they identify

Thanks (and sorry for the book lol)

- Host

First I want to say it's not silly at all!! Being a newly discovered system is overwhelming and it's normal to want to have a community of those who understand you. It's also normal to want to avoid being harassed and fakeclaimed. I'm happy you reached out! This reply is going to be kinda long (sorry I tried to keep it short) but I did my best to address all your questions. I hope this helps! And I wish you the best on your new journey of self discovery!!

Second I would strongly recommend that you stay away from syscourse if you can. It's really draining and overwhelming even for us and we have a pretty good handle on our system. As a newly discovered system it's going to be even worse.

Unfortunately I don't have any specific recommendations for cdd focused spaces which accept endos (if anybody knows one put it in the replies!) but I will say that pro endo servers, even if they aren't focused on cdds can still be amazing for finding comradery. There will be other cdd systems there and you might find some endos who you relate to as well. Also if you want my dms are open! I'm just one person (well, not exactly) but I'd be happy to answer any questions you might have and suggest ways to help you figure out your system more!

As for why people are anti endo I think it mainly comes down to two things. First is that they think endos are saying they experience the same thing as cdd systems except without the trauma. Endos do not generally claim this*. Second is that people who've spent significant amounts of their lives under attack sometimes they start to see threats where there aren't any.

These systems have debilitating mental illnesses that are criminally misunderstood and romanticized. For them being a system is intrinsically linked with being deeply traumatized, they are not separate. So when they see a community of people claim to have systems but not trauma, they get upset. They feel like that's not possible, because it isn't possible to be a system like *theirs* without trauma. They get frustrated because they think people just want the "quirky" parts of their disorder without the painful ones. That's why they always say endos are faking did, because they can't imagine a system that doesn't have a cdd. They think endos are just people who want to feel special so they claim to have system. Once endos started becoming a part of the community, anti endos felt invaded because now there's a bunch of systems who don't have cdds in the space they thought was for them (keep in mind cdd focused spaces still exist, its just that the plural community as a whole isn't 100% focused on us anymore).

Once they feel invaded, they feel like they need to defend their community and they do that by harassing and fakeclaiming endos. Then they act like psychology is on their side (it isn't) and after that it's just increasing amounts of digging their heels in.

I think it mostly comes down to the misconception that endos claim to have did without the disorder part, and then in trying to defend themselves they turn off critical thinking and just do whatever they can to get rid of the perceived threat.

*There is a world of difference between the experiences of most endos and most cdd systems but it's not black and white. At this point the term "endo" just means anybody who is not completely traumagenic which includes mixed origin systems. Also, some endogenic systems develop cdds after being exposed to trauma, the only difference is that they were plural beforehand so they're still endogenic. There's others too. The main point is that the plural experience is incredibly personal and doesn't fit well into boxes, categorization is useful and it's important that people understand that in general there are real and big differences between endogenic plurality and cdds but there's no hard lines here.

[sunskate]

this was good- the tent story is at 33:20 the campground they chose was 50 km west of the rink and traffic could be brutal. a budget decision for July and September. they like camping. 3 weeks was a bit long. camped in Lake Placid the week after the summer competition, hiked - they're outdoorsy. it wasn't a curveball for them. a good area to save a bit of money for when they need it the most. she feels more refreshed sleeping on a harder surface, he didn't have any problems

in New York, they train alone, no other teams around, so going to Montreal, with 20 other teams is a good balance - they learn a lot from watching the other teams, and it lights a fire to be around them, to have other teams watching them

at Junior Worlds, Oona got food poisoning. he heard her throwing up at 1 am but didn't know how bad it was until they went to the rink, and he said let's jog like they usually do, and she said ...i can't...😥and curled into a ball. she pushed through, had no energy to be nervous, and they won

for the OnIcePerspectives video of their Metallica program that went viral during the lockdown - they trained for that the same way they'd train for a competition

their RD: Oona listened to a lot, they had I'm Still Standing as a top choice, so they decided to do all Elton - a coincidence that it comes from an album called Ice on Fire. they took it to Montreal, Romain would suggest let's put this here, let's put this there, and Gage would cut the music every day. their other coaches had input about other songs, they have a group text with the IAM coaches and went back and forth to shape the program

FD: wanted to skate to All by Myself for a long time, especially Oona, but felt like they weren't ready for it last season. threw a lot of pieces as suggestions to IAM, and this was the one they also responded most strongly to. the first month working on that program, he would stay up really late cutting the music as they shaped it. Hugo Chouinard helped for the final product. they started the process of looking for program music 2 weeks after Nationals, were making the programs by March

costumes: reused previous costumes for the RD because the new ones weren't ready- they needed to be altered, and they didn't have time before Finlandia, then they went almost straight into their GPs. she says they're getting sick of these, they'll have the new ones for Nationals

training for back to back GPs after Finlandia: started off lighter in between, had faith in their endurance and training. didn't go down in intensity between the GPs. was worried about how at competitions you skate much less, and how that would affect their fatigue levels

next up is Nationals. goals- more focused on total scores and points. may shift to thinking more about placement. want top 5-6 at Nationals. there are so many - 4-5 teams- right there with them. anybody's game. a goal to show up and have solid skates and see what happens. details, more speed, more flow - going to Montreal after Thanksgiving for 3 weeks. a bunch of Xmas shows in the city that help performing in front of an audience

what sets them apart from everyone else- Oona: we're small 😂 Gage- have gotten the compliment before that they're fiery. sometimes it's not a compliment, like they're always go go go go, too much, need to take a deep breath. so, having the fire but also want to show they can take a deep breath too. but other teams are good at that as well. this season can be a time to set ourselves apart and find out what does

another skater's style they take inspiration from? not really - not trying to be like them. be unique, be themselves. take inspiration from Tessa and Scott, but our skating styles aren't similar. a lot of skaters at Monreal that we'll watch. not modeling our skating but our mentality. they motivate you in a way because they're there and skating so well, it makes you push harder

styles they like to skate: tango. he prefers that to Latin because they can look stern and look at each other stern😅 they like doing hip hop and blues and 80s. they like older music, 70s 80s.

how are they similar or different from each other-- he's more outspoken and social. their humor is similar at times (she says not all the time) their dedication and passion towards what they're doing are similar. both musical - they play in a bagpipe band. are doing the interview from South Carolina at a bagpipe competition. their older brother is a drummer in an Irish marching band. Gage wanted to play a loud instrument. found a competitive Irish pipe and drum band

like being busy- they sightsee at competitions, get requests to bring back magnets, shirts, mugs for their 5 siblings and parents

favorite program of the past 4 seasons from any discipline: VM Moulin Rouge. Gage: it made me feel some kind of way. Nathan's Nemesis. HD's last free dance. Kaitlin and Jean-Luc's programs. their last year's made him teary eyed- they move me. i want our programs to be that way- make tears happen. but Moulin Rouge is #1

[hollowflight-propaganda]

Inspired by @ravewing, here's a random list of my faves from each tribe too cause why not :3

MudWings - I've developed such a fondness for Clay after going through book 1 again. I also really like Reed and I desperately wish we got to see more of him. Shout out to Asha and Copperhead as well.

SeaWings - I've also been thinking about Riptide quite a bit recently, and it's mostly because of his squandered potential to be honest. And of course there's also Turtle my beloved. I could write an essay about that guy.

RainWings - Fun Fact: Kinkajou was originally my favorite character when I first read the books! I wouldn't call her my ultimate favorite anymore, but I still really like her. I also particularly like Mangrove and Handsome.

NightWings - Moon. Also Starflight and Mightyclaws.

SandWings - Sunny for this (and also the NightWing category). Six-Claws and Boa too.

IceWings - I really like all 6 of the royal kids, Snowfall especially. Opal too, we don't talk about her enough. I also have a soft spot for Hvitur. Like, he's the only IceWing we know of who joined the Talons during the war, (not counting "Cirrus" for obvious reasons) and I wanna know why. What's his story Tui?!?!?

SkyWings - We all like Peril, this is fact. For good reason too, I'd say she's probably one of, if not the most strongly written character in the whole series. I've also always liked Vermilion for.... no real reason honestly. I just like the guy.

SilkWings - Dusky. I'm also a pretty staunch Blue defender. None of y'all get him like I do. (I could go on and on for SilkWings, but if I did I'd probably bring up like 10 more characters, so we'll just move on)

HiveWings - Cricket. Can't really think of anybody else rn cause most Pantalan characters I especially like are SilkWings for some reason.

LeafWings - Same goes here too. Hmmm..... Sundew's a fun character, and I wish we knew more about Willow. Like, she has a pet cockatoo! That's a fun trait! We should let her be a weird bird nerd I think /pos

Bonus: Scavengers - Firstly Wren, because I find it funny how she's like the only human y'all will give the pass. Anyway, my true favorite is Leaf- NO WAIT DON'T GO YET, I CAN EXPLAIN. His character has interesting setup guys, I swear. I don't wanna turn this into a Leaf rant, but MAN, he was screwed over BAD. I feel Dragonslayer kinda got too caught up in making all those fun connections to arc 1 instead of making it feel like the three protagonists were actually accomplishing anything. I'll talk more about it once I get there in my reread, but yeah. Leaf's my guy :)

[thetorturerwrites]

Grey Ch 1: Slippery When Wet

A/N: Well, here I am again but with something new. For background, this story takes place in modern times. I lived through the 80s, and I just can't bring myself to write about them. I also feel strongly that you can move the entire ST cast and story forward 40 years, and everything still works. There is always a group of misfits.

We'll be skirting the line between reader insert and OC, but I figure if we as readers can imagine ourselves as cheerleaders or secret agents, you can come with me on this particular journey.

Lastly, I don't have any fancy content warnings since this story is in its infancy, but I will update them as I go. I also don't like to disclose my plans. So, you'll just have to be as surprised as I am when updates occur. ;)

I hope you enjoy.

For @fracturedarkness

***

The first time you saw Eddie Munson, you sat outside your trailer doing your very best to dissociate from your past.

Fall had not yet turned into winter, but here in Indiana, the predominantly flat landscape made the strong chill in the air bite at your cheeks and sting your eyes. It was unfamiliar terrain, a stark difference from what you’d left, but you told yourself you’d drive until you ran out of gas. But when you did, it still didn’t feel far enough. You hastily refueled and kept on driving, ending up in Hawkins, Indiana. It felt like another world, light years away from the one you’d fled. 

And so there you sat, in a rickety, green, folding lawn chair outside a half-orange, single-wide, drafty trailer bundled up in a hoodie, thick boots, and the only pair of blue jeans you still owned. The drab, brown grass and near winter-dormant trees matched your mood - somber. You reminded yourself to be grateful for this freedom, this fresh air, this small, rusted out circle containing the fire you’d built to keep warm. A month ago, this patchy driveway, disturbingly freezing trailer, and miles and miles of silence were an impossibility.

You moved in through a sheet of rain and spent the next far-too-long using that rain as an excuse to hide inside and not step foot out into the world. When the rain stopped, you exited your tin can to a new type of sunlight. The air was purer here, stripped of noise and smog. With the ground finally dried out, you could start the long overdue task of a fire in the pit you were pretty sure you’d stolen from someone else’s yard. You told yourself it was for a higher purpose because tonight’s primary goal was to burn up every shred of anything that could identify you to anybody who might come looking. 

You’d set your world on fire to be out here, might as well set the past on fire to match.

God, never let them come looking, you silently prayed.

You didn’t hear the van pull up, not even registering the muted metal thumping inside it, even when its driver threw the door open and spilled Judas Priest out into the night. Your focus was on the latest picture you’d tossed into the flames, watching as the smiling faces on the shiny surface blackened, blistered, and curled into themselves. Gone to nothing, like it all was. Rifling through the box for the next memory, you barely registered the crunch of boots crossing the road.

It wasn’t until a voice, masculine and smooth, broke your reverie that you even blinked. But once you did, it took a flurry of lashes, eyelids rapid-fire opening and shutting, to clear your vision before you could actually see the person standing across from you.

“Hey there?” He waved his hand in your direct line of sight until you looked at his face. “Hi. You good? Been trying to get your attention for a few minutes now.”

Canting your head slightly to the left, you studied him, all long limbs and curly hair. He was attractive in a sweet sort of way with a clear fondness for the color black. Scuffed up black boots, black jeans with worn out knees, a black and white shirt that looked to say something about hell, and an oversized black leather coat decorated with a jean vest layer. He looked as though he walked straight out of the 1980s, but in a way that was strangely charming. Charming was nothing you had room for in your life these days, regardless of how pretty he was.

Shaking your head gently, you looked down into the pale blue box, still half full, lifted out a spindly pine cone, and threw it into the fire with more force than you intended. You watched it bounce before settling into a smoldering pile of dried roses and yellow paper.

“Yeah, I’m good.” Not really in the mood for chitchat, you furrowed your brow and refocused on your task, hoping he would leave. A long, uncomfortable moment passed, though, in which he didn’t seem to get the hint. With a huff, you forced your voice into a semblance of civility. “Need something, Mister…?”

You let the word linger, assuming he was at least socially adept enough to understand the cue. When you looked up at him again, there was an amiable smile on his face, and you almost regretted the annoyance you felt a second ago.

“Eddie.” He sat - no, plopped himself pointedly right there - down on the grass across from your makeshift fire pit, happy as a pig in mud. “Name’s Eddie. Mister Munson is my uncle.” He pointed over his shoulder to the trailer directly across from yours.

"You live with your uncle?" You asked carelessly only to be slammed with immediate embarrassment. Being rude was never your intention.

He smirked.

"Yeah. It works. I work days, him nights. Saves money. Keeps the place from feeling so lonely."

If your judgment put him off, he didn't show it. 

“So, whatcha up to? Missus…?”

You chuffed a slight laugh. You couldn’t help it when he mimicked you exactly, complete with a higher tone that made you appreciate the deep, richness of his natural voice. You contemplated telling him your name, but you’d promised yourself nobody would ever know where you’d gone or what became of you. Telling him your name felt like breaking that promise too soon.

“You can call me…” 

Your eyes darted around, surveying what was close by to find anything that would work. Catching on the sleeve of your hoodie, you nodded to yourself. That’s the answer.  

“… Grey.” To match my mood, you thought. To match everything about my damn life. “And I’m…” 

You trailed off again, eyes drawn back to the crackling flames eating up your history. Memory pinched your lips, and you shook your head, numbed now by all the spent emotions, as well as the frigid air. 

“Just enjoying the fire.”

Eddie hummed, nodding along as though he heard all your private thoughts and could feel their weight. He said nothing for a long time, and right when you thought he’d get up to leave, which made you feel a funny way, he broke the silence again.

“You just moved here, yeah?” Rummaging in his coat pocket, he pulled out a pack of Marlboro reds and a silver Zippo. “D’you mind?” 

He waved the pack at you, seeking your permission to smoke his own cigarette in your company. Against your better sense, you found it endearing.

“Yeah. Few weeks. No, don’t mind.” 

Two weeks and three days, exactly, but he didn’t need to know you kept track of how many days it had been since you’d begun this crazy endeavor. There were a lot of things you didn’t want Eddie, or anybody, to know. All of it stuffed way down inside and locked up tight. The only tangible evidence of your previous life sat heavy on your knees, a weight you desperately wanted to be rid of.

From inside the box, you drew another stack of papers - bills, letters, probably some legal stuff - and tossed them onto the burning heap. Bit by bit, the person you used to be became more and more of a myth. Glancing at your unexpected companion, you watched as he lit and drew a deep inhale from the cigarette. You thought he would surely twist or turn his head so he could read the words stamped on the topmost bill, your government name all across the front of it, but to his credit, Eddie simply stretched out his arm and offered you a drag.

“Want?”

“No thanks,” you shook your head, unable to stop the wrinkling of your nose, “I don’t like the smell.” You blinked a few times as your brain caught up to what you said. “Which seems stupid right now considering we are sitting at a fire that I built myself.”

He laughed - just once, a delighted bark in the now darkness. It shocked you how much the laugh transformed his face. The apples of his cheeks grew more pronounced, and his lips pursed attractively. He shook his head and flicked the cigarette into the fire to burn up alongside your history.

“Not stupid,” he smiled at you, warm and genuine. “Been meaning to quit anyhow. This what you do for fun?”

You couldn’t stop the stirrings of a smile.

“Oh yeah,” you nodded exaggeratedly, “every chance I get. You?”

He was practically giddy at your sudden participation but played it off coy, boyish almost. His fawn-brown eyes twinkled.

“Mmm I’m gonna hold on to that little nugget of intel.” He rubbed his hand across his face, but you couldn’t tell if it was to hide his delighted grin or to keep himself under control. “M’tryna be cool here.”

He winked at you, all cheeky-like, and you couldn’t breathe for a second.

“And this way, we’ll have something to talk about next time.”

You could hear the offer in his voice, the openness and welcoming. It shot two arrows directly into the center of your heart - one warm, trying to crack you open a fraction more and one icy cold, warning you that this was too risky, too reckless.

Pay attention! 

Your anxiety screamed, straining at the seams of your insides until your head pounded and your ears rang.

“Ok. Sure…..cool…..” 

Your voice trailed off because you noticed the details of him now. Details you’d missed before since you’d been directly in the center of your personal pity party.

The world went upside down. 

Beat-up, old van. Long hair. Hell-something t-shirt. You belatedly registered the silver rings adorning several fingers and the guitar pick strung around his neck. Your eyes flicked from him to his van, trying to remember what had been playing when he rolled out of it this evening.

Judas Priest. Eddie was a metal head, which meant he was undoubtedly in a band, which further meant he was unquestionably a drinker or a drug user. Fuck, maybe even another goddamn drug dealer. A heavy sigh escaped, accompanied by the sag of your shoulders.

You didn’t need another version of that guy. You’d barely escaped the last one.

“Y’ok there?”

The way he looked at you was unnerving. No, the way he watched you was unnerving. He obviously recognized the moment you went from calm to anxious, and it bothered you he’d seen it. 

Without really doing much, he invited you in, making some kind of space for you to feel seen and safe. But the quickness with which he made you feel at peace left you troubled. You’d lived with those uneasy feelings for far too long - the kind that had your stomach in knots and your jaw clenched as you waited for the next catastrophe. That anxiety was your constant companion, and you couldn't fathom letting it go.

Better the devil you know than the ones you don't. 

You drummed agitated fingers against the corners of the box before abruptly deciding to upturn the entire thing into the fire. Standing too fast, you ignored the dizzy feeling in your head and stomped on the box with your boot to make sure it would all catch.

“Well, uh, it was nice to meet you, Eddie.” You kicked at the fire again, moving the debris around and sending bursts of smoke and ash into the air. “See you around sometime.”

It was dangerous to leave the fire unattended; you knew. But sticking around for Eddie to see too much or ask the right question you didn’t think you’d be able to not answer was even more dangerous. He was easy. Easy to be around. Easy to like. Easy to talk to. And that was simply unacceptable.

So, you did the thing you’d been doing for months.

You ran.

You slammed the door shut behind you with enough force to shake the trailer walls and turned off all the lights before sinking down onto the threadbare carpet floor in the very center of the practically empty room. Dropping your head into your hands, you waited, hoping he’d understand this cue, too, and leave you alone.

Eddie

“You can call me Grey.”

It certainly wasn’t your name, but somehow, it suited you, at least in Eddie’s estimation. You were beautiful, but you were also hemorrhaging color, joy, and want for life. It showed on your face - pretty features that lay flat with no spark to animate them.

He noticed you immediately when you moved into the trailer park. You spoke to no one, you hardly left your place, and you moved in with only an Army green duffel bag and a pillow, as far as he could tell. He never saw you unload anything else from your car, a ragged, sky blue Pinto that looked oddly right parked not so far away from his van. They would be best friends, of course.

Gradually, over the course of about a week, you stepped outside more often, and he relished the opportunities to study you. He guessed you to be roughly his height, maybe an inch or two shorter. Curvaceous, he decided even though you dressed in long pants and sleeves no matter the time of day. He couldn’t quite tell about your hair color, though. It seemed to change from morning to night, which he chalked up to the sunlight that was always in his damn face when he tried to watch you in the mornings.

At first, he felt a little creepy, but it was unavoidable. You were the most fascinating person to have ever set off his Misfit Radar. Collecting renegades and weirdos turned out to be a lifelong commitment for Eddie, though it was less intentional these days than it had been in high school. And you? 

You had ‘outsider’ written all over you. He simply couldn’t help himself from seeking that connection.

So, here he was, trying - and failing - to make conversation when it was obvious all you wanted was to burn things that used to hold meaning. He was hard-wired to keep going, however, and he wanted you to crack out of that shell just enough to make the awkwardness worth it. He might know the right things to say to the oddballs and freaks, but inside, he always felt clumsy and nervous when talking to someone he found attractive.

And you were fucking gorgeous. 

Once or twice, you responded beyond the bare minimum, more than out of politeness, and he saw that spark in you - the brief flash of feeling beneath all the fear, and he was right. It made the nervousness worthwhile. And when you smiled? Shot through the heart, and you were to blame. He couldn’t help but want to make you smile again. He had a feeling you didn’t do it enough. He also got the impression that whatever it was you ran from, you’d never be far enough away. But maybe he could help make you feel safe here, safe enough to start over.

For reasons he didn’t quite understand, he wanted that very much. 

Long after he’d spooked you, he stayed. He understood running, but he also knew you had to make the choice to stop and be in the hard moments. It was Dustin who taught him how to push through the fear, and Eddie knew that sometimes, a person needed to see the behavior modeled before they felt comfortable enough to try it. It had certainly been true for him. 

Making himself that model - even not knowing whether you could see him - he kept his eyes on the fire that was so important to you, ensuring every piece, including the box itself, burned away, all while listening for the faintest sounds of stirring inside. He wanted you to know he was still here, but he didn’t want to push you because that truly would be creepy. None came. If you knew he lingered, you didn’t give him any sign.

Quietly, trying hard to not disturb you, he tended your fire, made sure there was nothing recognizable left, and put out the flames. He mixed the ashes with the dirt and folded your lawn chair against the trailer so it wouldn’t blow away in case the wind kicked up. 

And then, he went home for the night - albeit reluctantly.

Foregoing food or a shower or a smoke, he dropped into his messy bed, shook the hair from his face, and stared at the ceiling for a long time. He normally smelled like cigarettes, sometimes weed, but tonight, he smelled of campfire smoke and the nighttime air. It made him think of you, and he imagined fifty different ways he would try to talk to you tomorrow. Maybe you’d be outside tomorrow morning, seeing that he worked your fire for you, and he’d wave as he drove off to work. Maybe you’d be sitting out there when he came home, and he could keep you company again. Bring you a beer or something.

Or maybe, he’d be brave and walk right over there to knock on your door.

He made so many plans that he drifted off to sleep without settling on a specific one…