#because it starts off as the vaguest possible image in my mind and then i 'carve it out' in painting

[cartoon-skeleton]

Ok I painted for at least 17 million hours this weekend and I’m not done with my final project yet BUT ALMOST. They’re kicking us out of our studios on April 3rd so I’m trying to finish them by then. lamow

[marksinn]

All Of Us: Leaves

Dot.Line|Shape§

           From the outset, All Of Us has made me think of travelling through forests. Leaves on the ground and on the branches were a huge part of this, but I wasn’t entirely sure how to use them. Having seen examples of cyanotypes, printing and rubbings in the past few months, I knew almost anything was possible, but I didn’t know what would suit my purposes. That was until a discussion with my college tutor, who asked if I’d been utilising any knowledge gained from my previous project. It’s probably to my shame that, despite learning a lot in this last brief (and, in fact, taking a lot of inspiration from the natural world) I had not consciously chosen to use the basic building blocks of design.

           For another concept I had to cut up a plastic tree so I could wrap it’s branches in wool, and I kept the leaves – just in case. I poured these out onto my sketchbook and started playing around with the green half-ovals trying to build some sort of Rorschachian image that would incorporate the delicate lines, combine marvellous shapes and somehow present dots to me. And it did. The straight lines I had cut were able to form a long, thin beam, the curved edges all melded into each other, then layered up beautifully into a vague circle, and all I had to do was rebuild the shapes of leaves in order to complete my triptych of the basics.

Preference

           Something I’ve been struggling with throughout this process is finding something that I like. This is not to say that I haven’t enjoyed researching and creating album art, but learning to include my own opinions more in annotations and research hasn’t been easy for me. Each design has been checked and rechecked by peers, friends and my tutor, but I’m trying as much possible to expand my horizons by taking my own feelings into account. I’m used to being objective, looking at things from the majority’s point of view, and considering what the masses would prefer. So for this concept I have tried to work as an individual, going with ideas and notions that I like.

           After a discussion with my partner about pieces of album artwork that stood out to us, I picked up on the first few examples we spoke about: Pink Floyd’s Dark Side Of The Moon, Greenday’s American Idiot and The Spice Girls’ Spice. These three albums have a one-colour background and striking, fairly basic images on them. I thought back to my research on simple album covers, the work of Michael Carney and Charlotte Delarue, and I wanted to make my own.

           I decided to run with a white background, I liked the starkness it provided, allowing any colours on it to stand out. Then came the basic colours I wanted to work with, and I knew I wasn’t going to keep my leaves green. It seemed a little too on the nose, the colour looked really flat when I had photographed the Dot, Line and Shape and nothing about it screamed ALBUM COVER at me. Now that I’m working once again with Photoshop I had the idea of continuing the theme of Basics of Design, and went with the three primary colours. By playing around with the adjustments (and learning a lot about curves, brightness, layers and Smart Objects) I managed to find shades of red, yellow and blue that I liked, and also showed some of the natural design on the surface of the leaves.

Composition

           At college I had a brief conversation about composition. I wouldn’t call myself the most artistic of people, and I’m learning a lot about the way images are put together. Where I would previously place things into an image without second thought, I am now considering other eventualities. Thus I took my three images and started moving them around. After a very brief spell of placing three Lines here, and four Dots there, I decided that I was happy with just one of each image. I spent even less time spinning my objects around. Something about the way the leaves were lying on top of each other made sense with the Line, it felt as though it was travelling upwards in a satisfying manner. The Shape felt more natural pointing upward. The Dot took some turning before I decided that it looked a little too conformative to have the internal edges pointing up, down, left or right, and so I left it at an angle that I was happy with.

           The height of the Line meant that they all looked out of place when sitting side by side, or it seemed that the Line was dividing the Dot and the Shape. I then looked at the various combinations that could be made from these three pictures. I placed the Line on the left hand-side and then the Dot to its right, low down. The only logical place was for the Shape to sit above the Dot. I then broke it down mathematically and looked at all options of this three-part setup. Very annoyingly, nothing new felt right, no matter how I placed them. Some looked like faces, some seemed to be making a point about being underlined or covered over by the red Shape, everything just felt wrong when the Line was standing to the left, and the Shape sat above the Dot on the right.

Colour

           Inspired by the work of my peers I decided to keep experimenting with colour. The adjustment tools on Photoshop have provided the people around me with new avenues to explore and with solutions to problems they had been coming across. I was mostly happy with what I had, truth be told I was set on my album cover and didn’t see any reason to change anything, but I wanted to play around and see what crazy combinations I could come up with – and I wasn’t disappointed. Brightly vibrant neons and dully realistic tones made their way out of my Dot, Line and Shape, and for a different song at a different time I feel these could have opened doors onto great pieces of album art. But I knew I was happy with the colours I had.

           Until I drained them entirely. At first I passed it over, it looked a bit like pencil etchings, which was cool, but wasn’t what I was looking for. But then the Shape leaves in the bottom right image stood out to me – what if you could barely see the images? What if colour wasn’t a factor? No contrast, no printed images in fact. And The Beatles’ White Album came to mind: only so-called because the embossed title of the album (eponymously just The Beatles) was barely visible. What if I did that? I could emboss the leaves onto white card, leaving only the vaguest implication of images on a plain field, and present an album cover that was inspired, showing off everything I had learned about dot, line and shape without any kind of distraction. What if I could do that?

Failure

           I couldn’t do that. But boy, did I try. I watched tutorials of milling machines and building inkless pens to use on linoleum moulds, and I tried to recreate the effects. Without industrial tools, or the materials to build my own pen, I etched a Shape out of linoleum and pushed card into the image using the finest-but-bluntest object I could: a piece of Lego. I tried rubbings, to see if they would give me the correct effect, in the hope I could then edit them in Photoshop. Grey graphite, brown charcoal and white pastels all let me down with this plan.

           I then thought about materials I did have, and started 3D printing a mould for my leaf Shape. After a few failed attempts at manually pushing card into crevices or forcing outlines into the paper, I tried to build a two-piece stamper that would do the embossing for me. I’m no expert at 3D modelling, and have learned that I will need to practice much more before I am able to create a tool that will enable such an intricate design.

Experiment

           My next venture was back into colour. Many of my peers have been bravely experimenting with acrylic paints – mixing them with various substances and pouring them or creating vivid patterns that they then edit in Photoshop in incredible ways. While I’d like to venture into similar areas soon, for this concept I wanted to stick to the basics: three primary colours, a paintbrush, dots, lines and shapes. The red Lines on the Dot gave the impression of a warrior’s facepaint, an idea I will definitely keep in mind for future projects. However, I wasn’t as impressed with the other objects. The yellow dots painted on the leaf Shape worked well when I noticed yellow was the colour chosen on the digital image, but neither the leaves nor the outline looked particularly effective to me. The blue shapes over the Line, similarly, gave me no inspiration when looking at them. Essentially, when it comes to these designs, and to oppose Meatloaf’s well-known opinion, one out of three ain’t bad.

Conclusion

           I’ve learned a lot from working on this concept. Oddly, I think I learned more once I had (mentally) finalised my design. It may have been that having the fallback meant my heart wasn’t really in any of the experiments, but my 20 hour obsession with embossing shapes tells me that it was having a safety net of a complete design that meant I could happily throw ideas around and see if anything stuck. While I’m disappointed that I wasn’t able to apply my learned lessons to this concept, I’m grateful for the opportunities they have provided. And I still look at my final design with pride, so I guess I’ve done something right.

[vincent-frankenstein]

different anon, but heck yeah u should definitely infodump about lucid dreaming!! im really interested in it

aaaaa okay !!! uh hold onto ur ears yall im abt to talk em off lmao

so !! if u didnt know, lucid dreaming is basically when you become aware that you’re dreaming while youre in a dream. once you’re aware, you can take control of the dream in literally any way u want — u can do anything, go anywhere, meet anyone, all with the knowledge that nothing can hurt u and nothing can stop u

its a fascinating concept and, the feeling when u actually become lucid for the first time? its better than anything else in the world. its the most invigorating thing u can ever feel, i think. but actually becoming lucid is, ,, , , hm. a time and a half. 

putting the rest under a cut bc, hooooo boy this is gonna get long

first things first! you absolutely have to keep a dream journal. forgetting ur dreams is all well and good when ur not trying to accomplish anything in them, but if you become lucid and then wake up with only the vaguest memory of what you actually did? thats painful.

u can either go all out and get a fancy journal and write them down physically each morning, or u can do what i do and just download an app. i personally use the app Dream Catcher, which lets u tag ur dreams for easy organization. just get in the habit of writing down your dreams every morning, and if you really, really cant remember anything, just write down that you didnt dream anything that day. you’ll train your brain to remember your dreams better

secondly! reality checks! are absolutely imperative! the idea behind them is that, if you do something throughout the day that “proves” your reality, eventually you’ll start doing it in your dreams as well. for example, a common thing in my dreams is that i’ll have extra fingers, so i check my hands a lot throughout the day. 

it can’t just be a casual thing, too. if all you do is glance at your hands and b like “yo looks normal, we gucci”, then you’ll do the same in your dreams even if you have Weird hands. trust me, Dream-You is an idiot, you gotta be obvious with this stuff. take a few moments, look at your hands, count out your fingers, and really think to yourself “am i dreaming?”

try to get in the habit of doing that at least 15 times a day, and eventually you’ll start doing it in your dreams too. 

now, if you just stick with doing those two things — which is what i’m doing right now — your chances of becoming lucid will raise astronomically. even just those two tiny things can train your brain into realizing when the world around you is real and when it isnt. you can also attempt something really easy called a MILD — a mnemonic-induced-lucid-dream — which can help your chances even more without upping the effort 

whenever you go to bed, just take a few moments — even just five minutes can help — and just. lay there. and think to urself, again and again “the next scene will be a dream” or “i will become lucid in my dreams tonight” or something similar. get ur brain really focused on lucid dreaming right before you fall asleep and chances are, those Vibes will bleed over into ur dreams and you’ll become lucid

practice those three things consistently, every day, and pretty soon you’ll start becoming lucid. it takes time, though! dont be discouraged if you end up not becoming lucid for the first few weeks, or even months. sometimes your brain just needs a bit of extra training

that’s what ive been doing for the past year or so — bc damn do i Not have the energy to actually put in too much effort — but!!! there are other techniques!!

my personal favorite is the WBTB, or wake-back-to-bed method. with this technique, you set your alarm for roughly 5-6 hours after you go to sleep so you’ll wake up inside of one of your REM cycles, specifically one where your dreams will be the most vivid. dont do anything, just roll over and go right back to sleep. 

you can even use a MILD along with this, repeat whatever mantra u usually use as you fall back asleep. you should start to see hypnagogic imagery — blobs of color and vague shapes floating before your eyes. just observe them. at one point, they’ll start forming more familiar shapes, and places, and maybe even people — and there should be a moment, a snap, where you go from observing these images to actually being in the scene. you literally build the dream around yourself, its magical

i have read that WBTB can cause sleep paralysis, but i’ve never personally experienced any problems with it, aside from the fact that im always tired the next day.

another thing that could severely increase your chances of being lucid but also involves Effort — meditation. specifically mindfulness meditation. the act of bringing full awareness to your Existence, honing in on just Your body, Your mind, Your breath, will make you a more aware, mindful person, which in turn makes you more perceptive of dream signs. also, the ability to clear your mind and center yourself with a moment’s notice really comes in handy when the dream becomes destabilized and you have to take control

if ur an adhd lad like me — or neurodivergent in any way, really — the idea of meditation can be,,,, terrifying. honestly, i havent meditated in like six months now, because it really wasnt?? doing anything for me?? mostly because im absolutely incapable of sitting still for that long without Something to stimulate me

so! loophole! guided meditations. having someone else guide you through the process can make it a bit easier to focus. just find one that works for u on youtube. there are even guided meditations made specifically to prime ur brain for lucid dreaming!

so thats how you get lucid. now for when youre lucid

at first, lucid dreaming is going to be extremely hard. dreams fall apart very easily — if you get too overexcited or if a dream-character looks at you the wrong way or if you cant seem to do what you want to do, your lucidity can fade and you’ll either go back to being your normal dream self or you’ll wake up. dreams are volatile and hard to control, and even harder to master

thats where meditation comes in handy. youll have a much easier time controlling your dreams if you can look at the world around you, take a breath, center yourself, and know that you can control it. that being said, you can absolutely learn to take control without ever having meditated a day in your life. its all about your mindset!

you have to go into it with confidence. the key to controlling your dreams is knowing that they’re your dreams. you cant forget that you’re in control. thats why i feel like learning to lucid dream doubles as a lesson in self-confidence — you have to learn to trust yourself, trust that you can handle any scenario thrown at you and come out on top.

if you can achieve this mindset, you can literally do anything. ive had maybe 50 lucid dreams since i started learning about them — which… is honestly a really low amount, but. i havent really had the time/energy to really throw myself into it  as much as i want to. but just in those dreams, ive flown, ive shapeshifted, ive met my sides, ive teleported to vast, gorgeous lands and seen some of the most beautiful things ive ever seen. anything is possible in a lucid dream; thats why its so worth it to put in the effort

but when youre first starting out, itll be extremely hard to maintain that mindset. like i said, Dream-you is dumb as shit — you’ll forget youre dreaming, you’ll be unable to control anything, you’ll wake up before you manage to accomplish anything. more often than not, the dream will destabilize, which is Not Fun

if the dream starts to destabilize — basically, if things start going fuzzy or vague, if you suddenly cant see, if you can feel ur body in bed, basically anything that points towards you waking up — there are ways to fix it. literally just spinning around helps for some reason? spin around, fall down, run ur hands along anything u can find and feel the texture, or just demand that the dream stabilize itself. most of the time, thatll work

and if it doesnt, dont be discouraged. theres always another night to dream

so basically: start a dream journal, do reality checks, mmmmaybe meditate if youre up for it, and your dreams will become like. at least 10x more interesting. trust me, try flying: its literally the best feeling in the entire world

its just !!! such a huge, incredible thing, and its so fascinating to learn about too. all the different ways you can train your brain, all the different things you can do, all the studies done on the subject. i suggest reading about Steven LaBerge or keith hearne. hearne led the study that proved lucid dreaming existed in the first place! he got a lucid dreamer to signal to him that he was conscious while asleep using REM (rapid-eye movement), because lucid dreaming happens during the REM state. also, robert waggoner’s book Gateway to the Inner Self is really fascinating too!

hm wow i really went ham here lmao

thanku for giving me a chance to infodump im very happy rn

[quality-on-a-patch-of-awesome]

Sam/Rhodey timeline, as far as I am concerned

This thing took on a life of its own, when I started writing it down. I thought it was going to be a few little snippets and then all the ideas came and I didn’t realise how much I had actually written until I just looked at the word count.

Mostly done for fun. 

A lot of these are just half thought out, random ideas. Not everything is fully formed. Some things definitely would need working on or changing, but, for now, enjoy my trash pile

Pre-MCU:

Sam has had a crush on Rhodey since before he even knew what a crush was

Rhodey has definitely seen the plans for Sam’s wings (no one, apart from maybe Tony, knows this until a long way down the line)

I feel like they’ve vaguely crossed paths before. Like maybe Rhodey came around while Sam was in training or they were both on the same mission. I don’t imagine that they exchanged more than a couple of words, if that, but there’s some kind of connection already

AOU (or just before):

Their first official meeting. They do that dumb thing where they stay up all night talking, without realising what it really means. Everyone else probably notices, though. Sam has this dumb smile on his face the whole time. Rhodey probably finds that smile infectious (and hella cute, but he doesn’t have enough time to unpack what that means before everything goes to shit).

Sam thinks he’s outgrown that crush he had on Rhodey. Then, while he’s out in the middle of nowhere, chasing down the vaguest of leads on Bucky, Sokovia happens and his first thought isn’t to call Cap, but where Rhodey is and if he’s okay.

 Post-AOU:

After the formation of the New Avengers, Sam and Rhodey mostly stick together. It’s not that they don’t like their new teammates or that they don’t trust them or that they’re crushing pretty hard on each other, it’s that they just gravitate that way. They’re the same kind of people and they have connections more than just being superheroes. Besides, they get, in a way that Wanda and Vision just can’t, that there’s a connection that Tony, Steve, Bruce, Thor, Nat and Clint share, that they couldn’t ever get. Not that any of them make Sam or Rhodey feel left out (well, Tony has always given Rhodey shit about not being there for New York, but giving each other shit is at least half the basis of their friendship) or that they’re not as vital, but it is a thing that’s there.

 Rhodey probably makes a great sounding board for Sam, while he’s off chasing down leads on Bucky. Sam never outright tells Rhodey what he’s doing, but Rhodey still knows.

 Sam and Rhodey are always out flying together. Officially, it’s training (sometimes, it really is), but it’s time they get to themselves, where they can talk about whatever they want, especially things they can’t tell other people.

 They spend all night talking and laughing, just like that first night, on a semi-regular basis. Tony may or may not keep security footage of these talks to good-naturedly emotionally blackmail Rhodey at a later date.

 Sam thinks about trying on the War Machine suit more than once. He might be persuasive enough to get Rhodey into the Falcon wings once, even if Rhodey never makes it into the air.

 Ant-Man:

Rhodey is the one on comms with Sam, while he’s fighting Scott. He starts giving Sam shit about it, immediately. As soon as Sam gets back inside, Rhodey is there, with the biggest grin on his face and Sam stops scowling because that’s the second that he falls head over heels in love with Rhodey. Sure, it’s been coming for years, but that second, where he’s not embarrassed to hear what Rhodey thinks about that fight, while he’d be mortified for Steve to find out it even happened, is the second that Sam knows he could give himself completely to someone else.

 Pre-Civil War:

The Accords have been in the works for a while, but from the second that they’re official, Sam and Rhodey know that Rhodey will sign and Sam won’t. They never stop talking about it, never stop trying to change the other’s mind, even when they know its made up. There’s a divide between them that there never has been before, but they try desperately to cling on to everything they had before.

 Civil War:

They never stop debating. They never atop arguing. Rhodey isn’t going to give up until he sees Sam’s signature on the forms (if he makes them leave a space for Sam right under his name, well, that’s no one else’s business). All the fight for anything they might have had went out of Sam as soon as Rhodey put pen to paper.

 Sam is perfectly fine with the entire situation, thank you very much. He’s making an important stand. He’s helping his best friend through three difficult situations at once. He can even cope dealing with Bucky. At least until Bucky apologises to Sam for what’s going on with Rhodey and Sam flips out a little because someone with not even half his own memory shouldn’t be the first person to talk to him about his relationship (not that it had even quite gotten there, which is actually what pisses Sam off the most). He should do that adult thing and talk to the only person to bring this up to him. Instead, he makes an asshole comment about Bucky having no business making comments about his boyfriend when Steve is out there, making out with some girl instead (Sam doesn’t know if Steve and Bucky were ever a thing, but he figures it works just as well if he’s saying that Bucky’s best friend is moving on without him). He feels bad almost immediately, but he doesn’t know how to start apologising.

 Rhodey has dealt with shittier situations than this and he is a consummate professional so he can put his feelings for Sam to the side and get his job done because he never wavers on whether he’s doing the right thing.

 Post-Civil War:

Sam has had nightmares about Riley falling since the day he died. Now he has nightmares about Rhodey, too. Sometimes, he has nightmares about them both, falling at the same time, and he’s never quick enough to save them. He drinks too much on nights like that, but it never makes the images go away. He wants to talk, the way he and Rhodey used to do until the early hours of the morning. Sometimes, he even picks up the phone, until he remembers all the ways that that would be a disaster. Natasha come to him one night (she’s trying to drown her own nightmares away) and, not in so many words, she tells him she could get a message to Rhodey (there’s no way she and Clint don’t have some kind of off the grid communication still possible and Clint could definitely pass a message on). She’s even nice enough to not call him a coward when he turns her down because his need to talk to Rhodey is still outweighed by him having absolutely no idea how to even start talking again.

 Rhodey is perfectly fine. Okay, rehab is hell and his heart is more broken than it probably has any right to be, but he has conviction and absolutely no regrets about his decision. Tony tells him that it’s okay to have regrets about how things turned out, even if he’s still 100% sure of his decision. Rhodey isn’t sure how to feel about any of that, to be honest, and it’s a lot easier to just focus on the rehab. It’s even easier to focus on that when Tony apologises for what happened with Sam. For half a second, Rhodey thinks Tony is apologising for shooting Sam or for whatever part he might have played in Sam getting put in prison before he remember that Tony would never be sorry for any of that. Then he has to hear that Tony knew about what was going on with Sam the whole time and instead of mentioning it, he probably did something dumb like start a betting pool between all of their friends (who also knew because they’re not idiots and Sam and Rhodey don’t know what subtle is) on when Sam and Rhodey were going to get their shit together (Natasha was winning at last count). Rhodey definitely doesn’t want to deal with that.

 Infinity War:

Sam is over his shit. Being on the run has been exhausting, but it’s not that he’ll do whatever he can to be able to go home again, it’s more that having the bare minimum in his life (kind of a necessity in being on the run) made him realise what’s important and dammit if Rhodey isn’t everything he needs to cling on to.

 Rhodey is over his shit, too. Like he still appreciates what The Accords were trying to do and he might still stand by the principle, but, if he had the time again, he wouldn’t sign. It isn’t about getting Sam home (that’s just the bonus), but the feeling in his soul that this isn’t the way things should have played out.

 Rhodey isn’t worried about Tony, when he hears that Tony has gone off into space on the ship. He’s seen Tony come back from worse than this and be fine so there’s no doubt in his mind that Tony is coming home again. Pepper probably yells at him for being so nonchalant about the whole situation, but his utter faith is actually really comforting.

 Rhodey is the one to find out that Nat and Steve and Sam are bringing Wanda and Vision back. He’s pretty sure that they’re expecting to talk to Tony, maybe he even off-sets that by calling them as soon as he gets word of what happened in Scotland. He doesn’t know if they trust him at first, but he thinks that he does a good enough job of explaining that, no matter what happened before, the world needs saving and he will always put that first. He doesn’t think he’ll get to talk to Sam before they arrive, but, when an unknown number shows up on his phone, he knows who’s on the other end. He’s thought of about a thousand different things he could say in this scenario, but all he ends up doing is asking Sam to come home. He can hear the smile on Sam’s face as he replies that they’re already on the way.

 Rhodey knows that the team are on the way up while he’s still listening to Ross, but he keeps talking to a) make his point and b) for the drama. His eyes find Sam first as he sends Ross’s image away. If he didn’t know he was in love with Sam before this, he absolutely would now. He thinks it should be harder than it is to slip back into their old routine, given everything that’s come between them in the years since they first met, but they slip back into their old selves like nothing changed.

 They don’t have much time, but, before they head off to Wakanda, Rhodey finds himself alone for a minute. Then Sam walks in and Rhodey has no idea what’s going to happen so he’s more nervous than he’s been in a long time. Then Sam has a big, dumb grin on his face and he’s so fucking proud that Rhodey hung up on the General for him (no matter what rank Ross has, he’s still the General to both of them). Rhodey probably starts in on explaining why that’s not exactly true, but then Sam crosses the room and kisses him for the first time and he’s too dumb to not agree that, yeah, he did hang up on the General just for Sam.

 Sam is absolutely the one who convinced Rhodey to get Bruce to bow to T’Challa.

 Rhodey and Sam don’t have the time to work through all of their issues before the battle, but they do get a few minutes alone. Sam is fiddling, unnecessarily, with the controls on his wings when Rhodey wanders into the room. Sam gets increasingly frustrated by the entire situation. He’s not regretting any of his choices, he’ll always save the world, no matter what, but he’s been stumbling from one fight to another and he really just wants a minute to breathe (a minute to just love Rhodey). Rhodey spends every second until they have to head out to the battlefield, with his arms wrapped around Sam.

 Rhodey doesn’t believe that Sam is gone- giving up on people he loves has never been his thing. He doesn’t believe it when he sees other people disappear in front of his eyes. He doesn’t even think about believing it until hours have passed and his voice is hoarse from calling out for Sam a thousand times and not getting a reply. He flips out, especially when he finds out how close he was to getting to Sam, but only for the first day.

 Endgame:

Rhodey doesn’t think about Sam in those five years. It’s a conscious decision to push Sam to the furthest corners of his mind because if he thinks about Sam, he’ll lose it and he can’t afford to break down. He’s not going to be any use to anyone if he’s breaking down- the world lost enough heroes and he can’t let it lose another- so he throws himself into building the world back up again. He probably spends too many nights flying through the sky instead of sleeping because it makes him feel like he’s doing something useful. He’s glad when Tony comes back (and holy shit, is that Carol Danvers?) because it’s a weight off his mind (he was starting to worry, despite how much faith he always had in Tony) and it gives him something incredibly important to focus on. He probably gives Tony a lot of the gritty details about what went down.

 Rhodey feels joy for the first time in a long time when he holds his goddaughter for the first time. He promises Morgan that he’ll do whatever he can to make the world a better place for her. He absolutely sneaks her as many extra treats and presents as he can.

 Rhodey doesn’t want to let himself hope, but, instead of going on a murder spree like Clint, he throws into helping out, however he can. He still thinks his murder baby Thanos plan is a lot better than the convoluted running around through all kinds of time streams plan that they decide to go with because he’s still not entirely certain that he understands it completely. He hates it thoroughly when Clint comes back without Natasha (he always liked Natasha), but it makes him determined to see this through to the end. He’s exhausted and the doubts start creeping in, but then the portals open and he just knows that they’re going to win. He hears voices that he hasn’t heard in years and has to stop himself from flying right over to Sam. They still have a fight to win, he has a part to play, and he cannot stray from that now. He sees Sam, for just a second, from what feels like miles away, catches a smile and throws his own back, before it’s back to business.

 Rhodey is always the first to reach Tony, but, this time, he knows that it’s different. There is no coming back from this and he doesn’t know what to say. He can’t even move as Peter and Pepper come by. He should be better than this. He moves eventually, though- someone has to carry Tony’s body and he’ll be damned if he lets anyone else do that. He lands, eventually, and someone is there to take his best friend away for the last time. He can barely let go, but when Tony is gone, he stumbles. Sam is there to catch him. He doesn’t think he’ll ever stop breaking down.

 Sam has seen enough weird shit in his life to not believe Doctor Strange when he says that they’ve all been gone for five years. He’s exhausted, doesn’t know how long it’s been since he slept, but he’s just about the first to suit up when Strange says they’re on their way to the biggest fight of their lives (what else is new?). He doesn’t have to work at all for Strange to open the portal on Steve’s left (Strange probably saw it in every single one of the futures he looked at). He doesn’t even think about looking for Rhodey until he sees him through the corner of his eye and smiles. Then he flies off to do his job again. He sees a lot of people he doesn’t recognise and makes a note to ask about them later.

 Sam is mid-way through a whoop of joy at their victory when he hears about Tony and he’s flying over before he’s even thought about it and he lands just in time to see the aftermath. He’s frozen for a moment, but by the time he feels like he can move again, Rhodey is already flying off, clutching Tony’s body, so he flies right off after him. He lands right after Rhodey and, this time, he can move fast enough to catch Rhodey before he hits the ground. He doesn’t know what to say, he never knows what to say, but he figures that being there is enough.

 Rhodey doesn’t know how he gets through Tony’s funeral. He doesn’t know if he does, frankly, because he’s blocked a lot of it out. He’s grateful to whoever is there, propping him up through the entire thing. He thinks that it’s Sam, but he doesn’t know if he can handle everything that Sam being here again means right now so he tries to focus on getting through.

 Sam doesn’t know that Steve is planning anything until Bucky comes back from one of their conversations with something missing from his eyes. He could never have imagined this, though (never in his wildest dreams did he imagine being the one to wield the shield), but he thinks he understands Steve’s reasons. At least he will, when he stops being royally pissed at Steve for leaving Bucky behind and he definitely didn’t see that coming, but you don’t do that to your friends and it turns out he doesn’t hate Bucky all that much in the end.

 At some point, Rhodey gives RedWing back to Sam. After Sam dusted, there was enough residual power in RedWing for him to function for a while, but, eventually, without Sam’s suit, the power faded. He never let him go, though.

 They have their heart to heart. They work though their problems. Sam is there to answer the phone at 3 a.m. when Rhodey misses Tony too much to function. Rhodey is the first one to see Sam’s Captain America suit (which is probably when Sam finds out that Rhodey has seen the designs for his wings before).

 Things are good.

 Until they’re not.

 Rhodey thinks the world needs Iron Man so he throws himself into that role. He does everything in his power to do exactly what he thinks Tony would do. He doesn’t stop, no matter how many people tell him that he doesn’t need to be Iron Man, they need War Machine just as much. He almost breaks when Morgan tells him that she already lost her daddy and she doesn’t want to lose Uncle Rhodey, too. He thinks Sam will understand- they’re both picking up the mantle of a legend, after all.

 Sam is really fucking pissed about it. How could Rhodey think it was the same thing? He wasn’t trying to copy Steve, just take that legacy and make it his own. He wasn’t trying to lose himself. He’s so angry that he stops answering Rhodey’s calls, stops talking to him completely.

 Bucky absolutely gets them back together- he claims it’s because he’s tired of hearing Sam bitch about the situation all the time, but it’s really because Sam became his friend somewhere along the way and you help your friends out when their boyfriends are being dense as fuck. He may or may not threaten Rhodey to help with this. He also absolutely casually mentions that Sam had a poster of Rhodey on his wall when he was younger, a fact he learned from Sam’s mum, who he gets along famously with. Sam has an awkward phone conversation with his mum, trying not to look too embarrassed and failing miserably. Rhodey probably finds it adorable and he’s fully respectful when he gets to talk to Sam’s mum, even when Sam starts bitching about his own mother liking everybody else more than her own son.

 They have another heart to heart. Everything isn’t fixed, but they’re in a much better place. Sam has the proudest smile on his face, the first time he sees War Machine on the news again. Rhodey realises how important he is to everyone (and exactly who he needs to call if Sam ever pulls something as dumb as he did).

 Rhodey retires eventually. Sam finds that he really enjoys having someone to come home to.

 Also, at some point, there’s probably a headline about War Machine and Captain America making out in the middle of a post-battle clean-up.

[suilinbride]

Well, I didn’t See That Coming, and That Was Petty As Hell (Being Banned From A Pagan Dating Facebook Group)

So yeah, I was recently banned from a Pagan dating group on Facebook. What did I do to deserve being banned from said group? I was banned for the most petty shit I have ever read and experienced in the past half a year or so. Please, let me try to explain what happened a little bit.

So, despite still being only seperated from my former wife, with the whole divorce process being completely stalled at this point, I’ve been trying to put myself out there a little bit, meet new people, see if I can find someone special enough to start some kind of relationship with. Trust me, it hasn’t been easy thus far, nor has it worked out anywhere close to how I hoped or even expected it to. 

If some of you are wondering why the divorce process has stalled out completely at this point, it’s quite simple actually. Both my former wife and I are mostly blind, on our country’s form of disability benefits, there are two diffrent countries worth of laws to take into consideration, and things are just a hot mess because of it. I mean the process is straight forward, at least on my end. All I have to do is fill out my end of the paperwork, send it off to my former wife, let her fill out her half of the paperwork, allow it all to be process, and boom it’s done with and we’re finally divorced. Hell, the paperwork will even be delivered and processed completely free of charge, because we’re both on disability benefits. Problem, however, is finding a lawyer, or in this case legal aid, that will actually help me fill out my half of the paperwork. I’ve basically been playing phone tag with them since 2016. 

Thankfully my former wife and I are still friends at the end of our marriage. Not too many people  can say the same thing.

I know that a lot of people tend to wait until the whole divorce thing has been done and dealt with, before trying to move on with their lives on a romantic and relationship level, but I honestly don’t know when it will be finialized. Hell, it could take another year or two at this point. So I started trying to date again about a year or so ago.

Okay, time to fast forward to what happened here recently with a Pagan themed dating group I found on Facebook. I joined said group because I thought it would be interesting to meet and possibly start a relationship with someone who practices some kind of spirituality that I do, even if only own the most vaguest of similarities. 

I mean, some people just end up being weirded out by the whole Fairy Work, Spirit Work, God Spousery, or even Devotional Pagan/Polytheism thing. It happens. 

However, I didn’t even last a single day on the group once I joined. 

Following the rules of the group, I ended up posting an introduction post, talking a bit about myself, sharing a whole host of diffrent things that I think someone I’m going to interact with to see if there’s anything special there should know about me. I also added what I was looking for in a potential partner, and shared some of the important things about myself that someone needs to know up front before even thinking about dating me. Like the fact that I’m mostly blind. Or the fact that I’m bigender. Or the fact that I’m still in the seperated stage of my finished previous marrage. 

I mean, I’m a very open and honest person about myself, especially when I feel someone needs to know something important up front, so they can make up their own minds. You know what I mean? 

Well apparently that kind of approach was a no no in this group, as one of the moderaters sent me a message through Facebook’s instant messaging system and tried to get me to shorten my introduction post by what seemed like 90 percent. That particular moderator also felt like the kind of information that I was sharing about myself, the kind of information I believe people should know up front, was the kind of thing that should only be shared with after you started a relationship with...What the fuck? Okay, but what if you do start a relationship with someone, like they think should be done first, and you go ahead and share that important kind of information....like the fact that you’re bigender, and the person you are dating turns out to be someone completely straight and thus is not attracted to someone of the same gender, even if only on some level. That kind of thing can turn into a awkward train wreck pretty quickly.

Now, at the same time I was dealing with this moderator in the insant messaging feature on Facebook, I was also interacting with another moderator in the comment section of my introduction post. Apparently this particular moderator had a problem with me not posting a selfie  as part of my introduction post. Which is weird as the rules of the group clearly states that posting selfies, while encouraged, is not mandatory. 

Now, I have problems with various aspects of Facebook. I’m unable to post images to Facebook from my computer, most of the time anyway, due to my laptop being faulty from the moment I got it, to Facebook having a habit of interacting with and co-opperating with the screen reader I use on the computer in a very poorly, sometimes nonexistant manner. 

And then of course I have another set of problems trying to post pictures to Facebook from my IPhone a lot of the time. My current phone was damaged, severely mind you, during the middle of a thunderstorm while attempting to update, back in late 2016 or early 2017. And while it has mostly been fixed and works mostly fine at this point, it has a habit to act and react in weird and chaotic ways at times. Like not allowing me to post pictures to Facebook half the time. 

So I tried to explain to the moderator in the comment section of my introduction post tthat I was blind, using a screen reader, and was having problems uploading photos to Facebook, from either method, for several reasons. 

And that moderator wasn’t buying at all. Turns out that moderator is completely blind, the wife of the moderator I’m also conversing with through Facebook’s instant messaging, and she’s decided to talk down  to me in a very patronizing kind of way.

One of the first rules of being blind or visually impaired that anyone needs to know and understand is that everyone who is blind and visually impaired are going to be different. We’re going to be different due to different eye conditions or methods of losing our eyesight, to being different due to using different kinds of technology, reacting to those kinds of technology in different ways, and finding different ways of being accessible or making things accessible. There is literally no such thing as a one size fits all kind of concept in the land of the blind. And anyone who tries to promote such a thing is either lying, doesn’t know what they are talking about, or are being intentionally hostile on some level. Of course, a lot of people, corperations at the top of such a list, keep trying to  come up with a one size fits all solution to various aspects of the blind and visually impaired community. It’s absolute failure waiting to happen, I’m telling you.

So all of my attempts at explaining my situation and the problems I’m having at posting  a selfie is not being believed, and the completely blind moderator is starting to get irritated that I’m not just following her instructions, or her example for that matter, and thus stops replying to me. Fair enough, I found her attempt at helping me useless anyway.

Next thing I know, I receive one final message from the moderator  I’m chatting with through instant messaging. He asks me if I’m going to follow his advice or not, and I instantly reply to him, telling him that I’m not going to follow his advice and that I found his advice problematic. 

Next thing I know, I’m instantly banned from the group and blocked by all of the moderators from the group, even the half dozen or so others I never talked to in the first place.

I later found out from a friend of mine who was also trying to see if she could meet someone from that group that the two moderators basically started talking trash about me not five minutes after I got banned from the group. Apparently I was a good example of  what happens to not following  the awesome and never wrong advice and/or instructions from the two moderators who created and who own the group outright. Said friend tried to defend me but was banned from the same group as well.

I’m still a little upset about the whole thing, because I truely want to try and meet new people and hopefully find someone special to start dating again at some point in the future. I have since found a different Pagan focused dating group on Facebook, though I taking my time in posting any kind of introduction post on there. I’d like to try and see if I can meet other single and/or interested Pagans elsewhere. Who knows what may come in the future.

I just hate being banned from a group like that, regardless of how petty the reasons were. That kind of thing never looks, nor sound good. It makes me feel bad.

[haynr]

all blog info below the cut, 

apologies now to my mobile users 

RULES 

Before we interact you must…

have a properly displayed muse

have easily accessible posted information regarding your muse in a section or page

have easily accessible posted rules / guidelines in a section or page 

for AU’s, you must have posted information regarding your muse within the fandom universe in its own section or page

make sure I am following you

cut threads

I Won’t

roleplay sex, generally. there may be a few exceptions, but keep the standard that i probably won’t. sexual content, perhaps, if all muns involved are over 18. If we do, it is with the understanding muses involved will be aged up appropriately. 

tolerate any sexual advances toward myself ooc

roleplay inserts

always follow back, nor will I follow personals

tolerate pressuring, be it to rp in general or consistent pestering to answer threads

answer everything in my inbox. It’s not often I ignore asks, but I won’t answer something if it violates my rules. If I have difficulty answering something, I will privately message senders or make public inquires about anonymous messages. 

follow everyone back / interact with everyone, even if you technically follow all my rules. i’m selective. 

Please Don’t:

reblog meme asks. I don’t mind this so much, but it keeps things cleaner when they’re moved to a new post. 

reblog inbox answers for non starter memes. examples would be mun opinions and the like but extend to headcanons and other writing. violators will be asked to delete the post and may be blocked. 

reblog threads you are not a part of. warnings will be given to violating rp blogs, but personals will be instantly blocked. 

reblog personal posts, especial images of myself. violators will be instantly blocked. this means anything tagged ooc. 

force ships with me. I am a p easy going shipper, but I will be a bit more restrictive with Hayner. most of it has to do with his muse in general. he’s not thinking about romance atm. if it comes up in plot, great. if it doesn’t, you’re more than welcome to put it forward, but please do not expect me to go along with it. on that note, don’t expect me to always agree with your interpretations of my muse in ships. ideas and suggestions are fine, your own take is fine, but i cannot stress enough, please do not push hcs. 

I am open to

multiple threads

duplicates of other muses (i do not rp duplicates of my own muse, but I usually have other muses in the fandom which I will be more than happy to interact with there, no twins etc) 

shipping, though I will be highly selective, possibly exclusive. I will not instant ship, but I don’t mind developing our muses’ relationship privately over DMs. 

mutli verse and/or polyshipping as befits all the muses and muns involved

rping toxic relationships of any sort, will be tagged accordingly and placed under cuts.

angst and/or triggering threads, though I would prefer to discuss  the thread and tagging beforehand

crack threads

select AUs

ask/tagged initiated threads/starters but I ask for some warning if they are not from a meme or other prompt

responses of any length, so long as it is enough to reasonably work with for the pace of our thread

group threads

generally questionable plots. regardless of whether or not I approve of such practices ooc isn’t usually relevant. this is fictional, exploration of an idea– not a real-world execution of that idea. Feel free to DM for details.  

Please Also Note:

I do not require length to be matched and may not always match partner’s length. I will respond as much as I feel I am able to or that I feel is necessary. 

If my response is inadequate, difficult to respond to, or otherwise distasteful, FEEL FREE to ask me to redo my response.

Understand that my selectivity will depend on my comfort level and that I am not obligated to explain myself.

I tag all my threads as “thread”

I tag my partner’s url

if partner’s url changes, I will tag both old and new urls for the first response then only the new url going forward.

I generally tag triggers as “trigger tw”. same with general cw’s. i’m not the best with tagging, so let me know if I should watch for stuff in particular

my activity is generally a joke, but I’m constantly lurking, so feel free to drop a message

I am incredibly anxious. It doesn’t matter if we have late night conversations for like a month straight i will still be afraid to talk to you every. single. time. so always feel free to come whack me on the head or smth

while I can be very laid back / crack-ish, I do prefer to explore darker themes and my thread responses are much more serious than I come off as. 

Blacklisted / Ask to Tag:

food

nsfw (for general safe scrolling, just let me know what your tag is since t simply wont show not safe for wombats content anymore) 

“little space” related

“daddy,” “mommy,” etc

literally anything in this vein. in the vaguest, most removed sense. idc what you tag it. either let me know or just tag it “jade don’t look” whatever.

in fact feel free to tag any and all of these as just “jade don’t look” or some variant.

a/o/b related 

anything pregnancy related

vivid depiction of sensory / memory alteration (particularly in images, but not excluded to)

unreality (also especially, but not limited to, images)

Of course I can’t require people tag these, but I will most likely not follow you if your post these regularly and do not have some warning which will be picked up by blacklist applications.

In regards to the sensory alteration, I mean things like seeing/hearing/etc things that aren’t there, mis-remembering or outright tampering with memory, etc. It’s kind of situation to situation on what gets me, but when it does it tends to hit me pretty hard. If you have any questions about it, fire away! [ example text post ]

On unreality, this somewhat relates to the above, I use this as a catch all phrase for images, vivid descriptions, and most especially videos/gifs of things that basically don’t behave or seem to behave as they should. Sometimes, I’ve seen these things tagged as “trippy” and the like, but they those posts tend to be too…idk how to put it. Extra? What tends to get me is when things are going fairly linear and then suddenly go for a loop. That’s not the greatest description, but here’s a few posts that have triggered me the worst that I’ve slowly gotten used to.  There are also things which should seem fine or normal but aren’t. If anyone has a better description for this, by all means let me know! example posts [ one ] / [ two ] /  [ three ] + a weird image that also gets me for some reason. hmvent is actually a blog I use to store things that trigger me so I can slowly get used to them or try and figure out what it is / why these things get to me.

META 

Hayner is a young lad who resides in the sleepy Twilight Town. He is described as “impulsive and determined, and is always looking for a new adventure. He is bold to the point of recklessness…He gets bored easily during uneventful times… also easily angered/irked…thirsts for some kind of recognition…” During the events of KHII, he is 15, the same as Roxas/Sora. He has deep brown eyes, dirty blond hair and is a bit tall and, while still skinny, muscular for his age. He is the leader of his quartet trio including Pence, Olette and Roxas himself.

While he does have parents, he’s rather distant from them. While he does receive support from his folks, they were just never really there. Because of this, his loyalties lie greatly with his chosen family, his friends. He considers it his duty to help, lead and, if needed, protect them, even if he’d never admit as much even to himself. If any of his actions or ideas end up hurting someone he cares about, he takes it very much to heart, often beating himself up about it for weeks and weeks after.

Hayner, despite his hotheadedness and brashness, is a very observant leader. His tough guy act, while not entirely based on this, is partially to build himself up, make other less inclined to pick fights with him and his friends. Whether or not this works out, however, is certainly debatable. He also does his best to incorporate his friends’ wants and needs– or at least what he perceives these as– into his plans.

As oblivious as he may seem, he is quite mindful of the people around him. Whether it’s picking out the shady figure on that street corner or this one, or noticing some random kid’s not having a good day - he sees a lot of it, but often it doesn’t strike as a huge priority. He thinks things through a lot more than he’s credited for, but unfortunately, he doesn’t go through the whole process before starting his plan of action.

Hayner also isn’t exactly the most social person. He is outgoing and nice to people out of politeness and giving people the benefit of the doubt, but as a whole he’d much rather just stick with his friends. The only exception to this has been Sora, as he feels a “familiar vibe” about him, and therefore is also open to his circle of friends.

A couple more misc hcs below:

Is a very exceptional swordsman (at least with the training swords). However, his skills do not seem as outstanding compared to that of Roxas and other more major characters.

As much as he hates school, his best subject science. And although one would think he’d be a good athlete because he is competitive, he actually doesn’t have good PE grades because he doesn’t try if he doesn’t have to. The only way to get him to really participate is to make it a competition.

MORE WILL BE ADDED MARCH, 2019 TO INCLUDE SPOILERS FOR KH3

AU Info will be added shortly. 

[mysticsparklewings]

The Frustrated Introvert’s Dilemma

Well now, what do we have here? I'll go on record and say that yes, there is a specific event/topic that inspired this. But I'm not going to go into any more detail than that, because it's almost definitely going to come back to bite me nice and hard on the rear if I do. That's the unfortunate nature of our online-enabled world these days. That said, this actually happens to me a lot. Something will happen or I'll see a post (sometimes several posts all talking about the same thing) and I'll either have strong opinions on it or just otherwise be frustrated and want to share my two cents, and sometimes I really will go so far as to type out a Big Long Thing about it. Only, I think about it for a few seconds too long, and I end up deleting it. Because: What if the wrong person sees it? What if what I said gets taken out of context? What if I get labeled as [insert thing I don't want to be labeled as here]? What if I get in trouble some other way I haven't thought of? I don't have a very far reach, but I'd like to keep what I do have on good terms. But of course, deleting the post without posting it sort of misses the mark, and so normally I don't feel any better than I did before. But I rarely go back to it, since most of the time I either know or I think that I know posting my super-long (sometimes unpopular) opinion is only going to cause trouble I do NOT want to deal with. And thus, I'm better off keeping my mouth shut. Or, if I must, posting the vaguest-possible 1-2 sentences broadly touching on the subject. And that's where the caption, "Reasons Why I Don't Post Much" comes from. Aside from my art and the very rare things that make it past my "this is not a good idea to post" radar, especially on other social media that don't support long-form text like dA does, I'm usually fairly quiet. I am a "lurker" by nature, for the reasons above and because small talk kills me slowly. I'm sure I can't possibly be alone in this...whatever this is. This want to vent/rant/share your opinion but not being able to because you just don't want to deal with all the things that could possibly go wrong from doing so. So I made this little comic to expend my frustrations in the safest way I could think of. It gets the point across without nailing down a specific event/person/whatever. I haven't tried to make a comic in...in years. And the like 2 times I did, they were very simple and kinda dumb. (And I'm sure can still be found lurking in the depths of my gallery somewhere.) So hopefully this isn't too terrible. I tried to format it nicely so it's fairly clear and easy to read/follow, while still trying to keep it unique to me. (Or at least attuned to my own tastes.) I started with a rough traditional sketch of the four panels, done in a style similar to my Chibi Cards, which I use over on Twitter a lot these days. The character is, of course, supposed to be me, hence the purple hair, blue eyes, and black tank top. Fortunately, once the idea of doing a little "vent" comic came to mind, I was able to pretty quickly come up with a clear mental image/plan of what I wanted and what I would need to get the point across as simply as possible. And simplicity was a must because I knew I wouldn't be able to give this nice clean lines digitally unless I wanted to actually rip my hair out in the process. You can read the full details in my Ongoing Saga journal, but suffice to say I've been trying some things with my current not-Cintiq set up and Jesus Christ is it not becoming more and more aggravating. The biggest issue I dealt with here was the lack of precision, hence the messy, messy, messy lines, and the closer I got to completion with more layers involved, the worse staggering/lagging I also had to deal with. Obviously, I eventually got through it, but I am telling you guys I am so ready for a better tablet solution it's not even funny anymore. Anyway. I roughly traced my sketches to get the lines, then made the centering lines and rearranged things slightly, since my sketch wasn't perfectly centered or squared or anything. Then I expanded the canvas so I could add the frame. Then I moved on to coloring, and once again, for the sake of my sanity, I stuck with simple, flat, imprecise coloring. And I had to do it by hand since my messy lines mean the magic wand tool wanted to select about five times more area than it needed to when I tried to use it to just "grab" the sections I needed. My color choices were fairly simple. I know what colors I naturally am, and it made sense to me to make the background my "Mystic hue," since my walls are that color in real life, and it's just kind of my on-brand, go-to color now. The main colors I had to decided on were the desk and the computer screen. I went with a darker brown for the desk, hoping for a little extra contrasting, and the computer screen I kinda just went with what felt right. Picking fonts was a bit of an adventure. I wanted something relatively easy to read, but with a little be of extra flair than just Comic Sans or Generic Plain Computer text number 3,497. And I think this one hits a pretty nice place between something more computery and a handwriting look. I did have to use different fonts for the *type* 's on the second panel and for the caption/my name at the top to get the look/effect I was going for, though. It's not much and far from my best work. But at least it's a way to sort-of get my feelings out into the world. To know that I could at least do this one thing, even if I can't do anything else to vent my frustrations because other options will not end well. At the very, very least, I hope maybe somebody out there can relate or gets a small laugh out of it. ____ Artwork © me, MysticSparkleWings ____ Where to find me & my artwork: My Website | Commission Info + Prices | Ko-Fi | dA Print Shop | RedBubble |   Twitter | Tumblr | Instagram

[the-pupillary-sphincter-blog]

Première Vue

“She made me wish I believed in love at first sight.”, I said as I scribbled the right words for my Final Paper for my Philosophy subject. Our professor asked us to collate our thoughts and what we have learned from his class particularly on the Phenomenology of Love. I know that he would mark my points here wrong, or even give me an unsatisfying grade for this paper because he believes that love at first sight is a common misconception. That this phenomena, in the first place, is a philosophical impossibility. He insists that love at first sight is deceptive because it is solely based on what you’re seeing and not on what you’re feeling. But I hope I could make my point here and prove to him that it could happen to some people.

When two people meet and their eyes gaze upon each other, it’s not love at first sight. It’s not as simple as that. Love at first sight is when you can’t bring yourself to look away. It’s when you can’t precisely explain the reason why, but you know you’ve captured the loving soul embodied through their eyes. It’s when the task of looking away is too hard to resist, for you fear that when you avert your eyes, the magical moment will be a thing of the past. That the person you adore so much would instantly disappear, like a third wish, or a falling star. The eyes will carry on with their lives, and the love that you could feel so much will be gone in just a blink of an eye. That is love at first sight. 

I continued to write until I felt that I could somehow persuade my professor with the context of love at first sight being a possibility for some people. That it is not an impossibility but rather a possibility with just a very low probability to happen for some. Like a supermoon, or a meteor shower, or a comet that would show up in the atmosphere for the first time in centuries. 

One more sip from my cup of cold coffee and I knew I was over it. But was I?

It was a cold Sunday when I woke up to the drizzling sounds of the rain and the crumpled yellow papers scattered around me. I caught myself looking at the inglorious blank ceiling atop my bunkbed and the first thing I realized was that I had a splendid sleep. Not because I had slept for only six hours, but because I had not seen her vividly in last night’s series of mental images while I was asleep. It was one of those rare circumstances that I haven’t dreamt of her. And it felt better. The second thing I realized was that in as much as I wanted to go back to sleep, my body yearned for a different thing– a cup of warm of coffee. Normal rational people would’ve go back to bed instead but I didn’t. I chose the latter since my day couldn’t start without sipping some love from a cup of coffee. I decided to go to my favorite coffee shop just a few blocks from my house. The place where I had experienced the most ephemeral joy of my life. The place where I first and last saw her.

As I entered the place, I immediately looked for the spot where I usually sit and thankfully, there’s no one sitting in it. Perhaps because it was just seven thirty in the morning and nobody wanted to wake up yet with this kind of weather. A kind of weather that is deliciously mild and soothing. I quickly went to the table and ordered my usual thing, a hot cup of cafe au lait. I have always loved sitting here, near the Plexiglas window where I can see the view of the outside. Where I can see people walking around, living through their lives. Some as vivid as the others. And some darker than the others.

One more sip from my cup of hot coffee and I knew I was over it. But was I?

I caught myself looking at two people sitting just near my table. They’re probably a couple. A sweet one, to say the least. I can tell it by the way they talk to each other and the way their eyes look upon each other. They must be deeply in love with each other. I thought.

I smiled away and continued to sip from my coffee. But something just bothered my mind in that instant. I tried not to. But it just kept rattling in my head. 

I wonder what we could’ve been if I was just brave enough. I wonder what could’ve happened if I was able to tell her. 

And then suddenly and all at once, the memories of the past just kept flooding in.

It was two years ago when I first met her, in this very same place, in this very same spot where I sit in. She was sitting alone in this table and she was crying. She was looking outside with the vaguest sense of direction. And I knew she was going through something. Like her eyes spoke to me the deadliest story. I couldn’t look away. I wanted to but I couldn’t. I wanted to hug her but it would’ve been grotesque if I did because we’re strangers. I didn’t know what got through me but I approached her and offered her my handkerchief. She was hesitant at first but she took it and wiped the tears off her drenched eyes.

 “Mind if I sit here with you?”

“Uh… sure.”

I sat with her and it’s when everything started. We introduced each other first before she told me why she was crying. She told me everything. How she desperately needed someone to talk to that time but she has none. How her family was broken because of her jerky father. How her ex-boyfriend left her the same date as their second anniversary. How she was scared to fall in love again because of what happened. How her life was a mess and how it became such a fucked up one. I saw it through her eyes. How her helpless soul formed into a little black pearl. Of how she was made of sleepless nights and a long hard past.

“It’s okay. Things will be fine, eventually. Perhaps not now. Maybe tomorrow. It doesn’t happen at an instant. Everything is not okay right away after you’ve been hurt. Things take time. Time will fix everything.”

“What if everything is meant to be worse? What if everything is going to be even more painful in the future?”

“No, it won’t. No one is meant to have shits more than he or she can handle. Especially for a girl like you. You’re too young for everything. You should be enjoying your youth. So bring out that smile now because I hate seeing beautiful people frown like that.”

She smiled a cunning smile. A rarefied one. A smile that I’ve never seen in my life before. A smile that I never thought would haunt me for the next two years of my life.

But that was the first and the last time I saw that smile. After that day, I never saw her again. She disappeared like a meteor in the sky. I never had contact with her again because all I knew was her first name. I tried to ask the staff at the coffee shop but all they knew was her first name, too. I waited for her everyday at this place. I wanted to see her again. I wanted to know her better. I wanted her to be a part of my life. For two long years, I waited for her to come back again because I knew it. I knew it since I got lost in her eyes. I knew it since her mind took over mine. I knew it since the first second I started to fall. I knew it since– it was love at first sight.

The next thing I knew, a figure stood behind me. I heard a voice calling my name from behind. It was a girl’s voice. A familiar one.

Life is a game, isn’t it? And we all play the same game each day, don’t we? And that’s all it is, a game. Our lives depend on a dice roll. Or is it predetermined? We will never know. Fate is so fickle. But fate can be sometimes friendly when it’s knocking at your door.

I felt the person grazed her hand through my gawky shoulder. The voice was calling my name again. No, it can’t be. This isn’t real. This is just another delusion. But it wasn’t. It was her.

“Hey… Mind if I sit here with you?”

“H.. Hey.. Yeah sure.”

I didn’t know how she still recognized me. I was shocked and frostbitten to my position. And I tried to convince myself that if it was just a dream, I would never want to wake up anymore.

“Thanks. It’s nice seeing you again. It’s been a long time.”

“I know. And who would’ve thought we’d meet again at this very same place where we first met.”

I grinned. Because it was the time I realized that I wasn’t dreaming at all. 

I can still remember every detail of her face when I first met her. And they were still the same her. Her hair was still the same attractively unkempt hair. Her eyes were still the same elegant brown eyes. The only difference was they seemed to tell a different story now than the first day I saw her. She seemed golden and better now than before.

After a bit of catching up with our lives, she told me everything. But this time, she wasn’t crying anymore. She was smiling all the time. She told me what happened after the day I first met her. How she was sent abroad first thing in the morning by her mom to live with other relatives. How she didn’t have much of a choice because she wanted to forget all the bad things that happened in her life before. How she wasn’t able to keep in touch with me because she barely knew any personal information from me. How she moved on from the series of hapless events she went through before. How she met a guy that would change her life forever.

I didn’t speak any word. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what to feel. Everything just fell apart. But I knew I had to break the silence that was prevailing between us. 

“So how long have you been together?”

“Almost a year. In fact, we’ll be celebrating our first anniversary a week from now when I go back there.”

“Oh that’s nice. When will you go back there?” 

“Two days from now. But I still wanted to wander around here, actually. You know, many things have changed here and I wanted to witness them before I go back there. All I could visit is this coffee shop and other places that I usually visit before. It’ll take years before I could probably visit here again. I wanted to stay here for a while but my mom insisted.”

“Perhaps I could tour you around here today before you go back there. We could visit those amusement park and art gallery if you want.”

“Sweet.”

The next thing I knew, we were walking at the major thoroughfare of this city. I took her first to the amusement park that was entrenched just a few months ago. I don’t usually go here to try those spine-tingling rides because of my fear of heights. But I chose to bring her here first instead to pick up a vibe. I wanted to see the joy and fervor in her face when she tries those rides. I wanted her to experience the excitement of a child that probably has eluded her in her life before. I wanted to tell her that as long as she’s beside me, giving those rides a try isn’t fearsome at all. I wanted her to know that falling in love with her was like a roller coaster– not the cliché of ups and downs but looking out to see a complex twist of colored tracks that weave in and out. I wanted to tell her but I knew I couldn’t. 

“That was hell of a ride! It’s all I wanted to do now for the rest of my life.”

“Well, you could always visit those amusement parks in your place when you go back there. That place is famous for theme parks with far more exhilarating rides, right?”

“Yeah, but I don’t have anyone to go try those rides with me. My boyfriend, you know, he told me he would never dare to try those rides. He said he’s afraid of heights.” 

Maybe this is the perfect time. For me to go back in time when I could have changed her life and she could have changed mine.

After giving a shot for every ride she wanted to try, I brought her next to the art museum that was established by a group of freelance artists that used to paint the walls of the city. Of all the new places that was brought into this city, this was particularly my favorite one. Perhaps because this is a place full of beautiful things where I can rest my eyes upon for as long as I wanted to. And I wanted to add here the most beautiful art I’ve ever seen in my life— her. I wanted her to see those pieces of work and appreciate the beauty that was bestowed in front of her. I wanted her to realize that her life deserves to be as colorful as those artworks that were hung within those walls. I wanted to tell her that she was my favorite painting, the one that would keep me captivated forever. I wanted to tell her but I knew I couldn’t.

“What are you doing?”

“Just hang on there, I’m taking pictures of you.”

“Why are you taking pictures of me?”

“Just in case you don’t come back.”

Maybe this is the perfect time. For me to let her know that I have always wanted to be the one to give color to her life.

It was already afternoon when I realized that we were walking near the illustrious bay that was located at the outskirts of this city. She said that she’s already tired and she wanted to go home to take some full rest before her flight but I insisted. I convinced her that this would be the last place we would visit because this has been the trademark of this city. The most beautiful place in this city. The place that she would probably miss the most. I also told her that this would be one those instances where she can see the beauty of the sun while it sinks down in the horizon. We sat at one of the benches there, relishing every moment that is yet to be gone. 

“I never thought that this place would be as beautiful as it is.”

“I thought you said that this is the most beautiful place in the city? How can you tell it was beautiful when you haven’t visited it before in the first place?”

“Because it has you in here.”

“W.. why haven’t you visited it all this time?”

“Because I promised one thing. I promised myself that I wouldn’t visit this place until I am with the girl that I want to spend the rest of my life with.”

The world seemed to pause for a while and silence reigned between us. The balminess of the temperature turned into coldness now. The sun had already sheltered to where it hides itself for the rest of the day. I looked at her straight in the eyes. I wanted to memorize every detail of her face. I wanted to see her beauty one last time. I wanted to tell her that I love her before I say goodbye.

Maybe this is the perfect time. For me to tell her that she’s the one I wanted all this time.

“Will you believe me if I told you that I waited for you to come back at the coffee shop after we first met? For two long years, I waited for you everyday. At the same place. At the same time. I know you wouldn’t believe me but I fell in love with you at first sight. And it’s not what you think it is. I rose in it and I made up my mind. When I first met you, you were like a nymph from heaven despite the broken soul you had. I looked into your eyes and forgot everything else. I wanted to see you again. I wanted to know you better. I wanted to be the man that would change your life forever. But you disappeared. I never saw you again. I tried to convince myself that you were gone for good but I knew you’d come back. I didn’t know what made me feel you would but here you are. Fate brought you in my life and fate tore us apart. But I had trust in fate that it’ll bring you back to my heart again, the place where you belong.”

“I.. I’m sorry... I didn’t know.”

“You don’t need to apologize. It’s okay. You don’t have to. You don’t even have to try. I know it was my fault. I should have told you two years ago when I had the chance to change your life. But that’s alright, I didn’t tell you this for you to love me back in the first place. I didn’t tell you this for you to leave your guy and be with me instead. I told you this because I want you to know that I was grateful to see you again. I want you to know that I was thankful to be with you again– the girl I fell in love with before I even laid my eyes on. Just promise me to keep that smile of yours… because I’d hate to see that fade from your face again. Just promise me that you would never let your guy treat you like what you’ve experienced before… because I’d hate to hear it again from a girl that I have loved many times before.”

The arid hum of the cosmos reigned around us. The smiles were gone, just hollow stares and a thousand weights pushing me down. And for that instant I knew that it was over. That in the almostness of the moment, I knew it was the end. 

She didn’t speak any word but I knew that she was crying. I took her hands and pulled her closer to me. I hugged her so tight as her tears stream down my shoulders. I didn’t know if I would be able to hug her this intimately again. I didn’t know if I would be able to even see her again. I wanted to reassure her that fate would bring us together again. In the right place. In the right time. I wanted to but I didn’t want to promise her anything.

“I’ll miss you.. until we meet again…”

I didn’t say goodbye because she knew it already was.

And before I let her go, I whispered to her a phrase that she and only she could hear. A phrase that perhaps she thought she would never hear from me. A phrase that I should have said two years ago. A phrase that’s just three words long.

//