#because it just feels like i'm guilted into it because the rejection option is so awful

[my-current-obsession]

Does anyone know if in P3 Reload ALL the girls have a completely platonic path where they don't confess and/or ask how you feel about them?

I managed to get Chihiro and Aigis platonic, intentionally romanced Yukari, think I know where I screwed up with Fuuka (who I've heard can be platonic), have NO idea where I screwed up with Yuko since I tried NOT to flirt with her, and wasn't able to get Mitsuru to rank 9 before it was too late, so I don't know about her at all.

I ASSUME that all girls have a platonic option - I honestly figured that if anyone didn't, it would be Yukari and Aigis, but since Aigis does that would JUST be Yukari as a must romance/reject, which is maybe more "canonizing" than the devs want for any one girl.

[suiana]

thinking of a guilt ridden reader and a silly manipulative yandere who looks exactly like someone from reader's past.

maybe you did something bad to a friend, perhaps ended a relationship on bad terms with someone who never deserved to be treated badly. whatever it is, just the mere thought of that person causes you to physically curl up and pray for forgiveness.

so you spend the rest of your days like a dead man walking, the guilt of your actions clawing at the depths of your heart. it makes it hard to do anything, let alone think. because when you are left alone with your thoughts, all you can imagine is their expression when everything went wrong. oh how you'd give up anything just to change the past and your actions.

as if your guilt wasn't enough, he just had to skip into your life looking exactly like that person. like them.

at first, you thought of this as a curse. this... this stupid guy? looking exactly like them? then as you sort of warmed up to him, you still think it's a curse. because what gave him the audacity to come into your life, looking like them, and telling you how much he wants you? especially claiming that it was love at first sight and that you two were fated to be?

"i love you."

"can i be yours?"

"we'd be so good together."

you keep pushing him away. you know how this will end up, with you messing up just like last time. wouldn't it be better to just keep him at a distance? unfortunately for you he doesn't seem to think so. and it's like a curse. a demon from your past coming back to haunt you in the form of your greatest mistake.

if anything, your costant rejections only seem to keep him wanting... more?

"please, just one chance. that is all I'm asking for."

"no? you don't want to entertain me even the slightest bit?"

"how cruel, i never realised you were this heartless."

you eventually end up giving in. he just has that sort of effect you suppose. or maybe it's the guilt that's constantly eating you alive that's causing you to make this decision. after all, he looks so much like them and... you don't know what you'd do if he looked at you like that. not ever, not again. maybe this would be your way of making up for your wrong doings.

he couldn't be happier obviously. finally! the person he's been pining over finally accepted his confession! even if it took a long time, it all worked out. you're happy, his happy, everyone's happy!

until he found out you're not actually happy and you're just doing this because you feel guilty.

"what do you mean? am i just a replacement to you? a way to correct your mistakes?"

"hah! you're so- ugh, I don't even want to think about you anymore."

"save it, those are just excuses."

he's always been a manipulative person. he knows. and he knows that you know it too. yet he continues to manipulate you through it all. i mean, it's your fault for even treating him like a second option in the first place! what? he's the one that's been pestering you? no no, you could've just rejected him. it's not his fault, it's yours. you're not stopping him anyway so like, you're basically admitting you're in the wrong.

"yeah you should be sorry. how mean do you have to be to think of me just as someone you've hurt? I'm my own person too."

he says that but continues to use the fact that his familiarity elicits something in you. and he'll continue abusing it, continue taking advantage of your weakened state. why? because he can and because he wants to.

plus, it's amusing in it's own right to see you bending head over heels just to appease him. huh, guess the guilt runs deep, doesn't it?

oh it's whatever. he'll slowly condition you to start showing him the affection he so desperately craves anyway. he just needs to hold on a little longer. break you down a tiny bit more and then you'll be all his. he can feel it.

you two will be truly happy together. no other people, no guilt in your heart. just you and him, alone and content with one another.

that would simply be salvation, wouldn't it?

[yan-randomfandom]

Yandere!Peri x GN!Reader[Pt.3]

Part 1 — Part 2 — FINAL[you're here!]

warnings: obsessive thoughts, guilt tripping

OH LETS GO!! Now this is actual yandere content 🙏 Part 2 bothered me too much so here you go LOL— The format for this is half bulletin and half drabble!

Peri didn't realize how deprived he is when it comes to friends. He enjoys your company more than he really should.

He supposed it's because he's literally the youngest fairy after a thousand years. The only experience he had with having friends has already faded away in his memories; he never saw those baby fairies again.

In one way or another, you both found common grounds in taking care of Dev.

Yet, you're a human. What do fairies and humans even have in common? He's already struggling to pretend like he's one of you.

Perhaps one of the reasons why Peri appreciates you is because you're giving him your natural attention. It's not smothering like his parents, not pressuring like the others, and is generally just not forced.

Needless to say, Peri really, really likes you.

Which is why he doesn't want to let you go so soon.

Being with you and Dev is almost breaking the rules. Heck, maybe it already is. Why else would he be doing this secretly?

`•*°•*

Peri, your friend now, is babysitting Dev with you again tonight. You were skeptical about it at first, but Peri was so eager about it for some reason. If you had to truly be honest, you don't know what compelled you to agree with him tagging along with your kid.

You initially asked your boss, to which he easily said yes. But it was more about brushing you off, if you had to admit. Irritation creeps into your bones. Dale just doesn't care sometimes, doesn't he?

But it should be okay. Peri seemed to genuinely care about Dev. It's almost like he's known him his whole life, even.

It's quite perfect for the favor you're going to ask him later.

"..."

You watched Dev's blanketed figure for a few more seconds before gently closing the door.

Peri looked at you expectantly. You grinned with a thumbs up. You whispered, "he's sleeping."

He grinned, walking to the living room with you trailing behind him. "Well, then! Whatcha wanna do? Watch a movie, draw each other, put makeup on my face—"

"Actually, I've been meaning to talk to you about something," you carefully said as you sat down on the couch.

"Yeah? What is it?" Peri replied, sitting next to you. He's not sure how to feel about how serious you're being.

"Well," you sighed. "I know it's only been a few weeks since I got this job, and I love Dev with all my heart, but..."

Peri's expression almost goes blank. You're not looking at him. "But what?"

"I'm going to change my job soon," you grimaced. Turning your head, you finally looked at Peri. His lilac eyes looked distant. "Uh, which is where you come in! Do you want to replace me instead? I'm worried for Dev, and I think you're the best next babysitter for him! The pay is good! I'll talk to Dale—"

"Why? Are you saying you'll leave us? I mean, Dev?" Peri furrowed his eyebrows.

You frowned. Maybe you should have told him after babysitting. Peri's more upset than you thought. "I'm trying to explore all the work options right now. My aunt offered me a job as a barista, and.. well, I do like making drinks."

Peri doesn't understand. Why are you so quick to move on from Dev? He rejected a dentist job from the tooth fairy just so he could be a godparent to him!

"I can't replace you," he deadpanned. "It has to be you. I thought you said you cared about Dev?"

"I do!" you said, growing a little upset. "But I can't be in this job forever, you know?"

A small pause.

You placed a hand on Peri's shoulder, offering him a gentle expression. "I'll be honest, Peri, I'm not sure why you're so upset, but I can always just visit you guys."

To your surprise, Peri pulled you into a tight hug. He buried his face in your neck. You're used to him being touchy, so you let it happen.

"Really?" he mumbled.

"Of course. I promise it."

Liar.

[bluberryfields]

"I want a proper apology."

The dramatic “apology dance”

In the entirety of Season 2, I think the “apology dance” scene is pretty close to my favorite.

The way Crowley walks in like he’s entering a stage in a packed theater.

The way Azi clearly sees him coming and fusses himself up to look extra focused on his work and not at all excited about Crowley’s return.

Crowley, noticing that Azi has yet to look at him, ramps up the drama by:

Whipping off his glasses (taking off his armor)

Response from Azi? Clears his throat and focuses harder on his work.

Time for Level 2 Drama, it seems.

Stalking over to the table (no sauntering here)

Tossing the glasses down (looks casual but absolutely isn’t)

Ringing that little bell (like a ceremonial gong signaling “this is fucking happening”)

Walking back into the rotunda where he has maximum visibility (also maximum vulnerability)

Azi now has no choice but to react, which he does by slowly looking up and over at Crowley, who looks like the human-shaped embodiment of dread.

Finally announcing “I’m back” like the bitchy customer who just yesterday had declared they were never shopping here again

I mean, wow. Amazing. Glorious.

Not to be outcunted, Azi just casually turns back to his work and practically hums, “Yes. I can see that.”

Damn, Aziraphale, did you take lessons in passive aggression from my mother?

Now Crowley groans in a way that I felt to my core and asks, “Do you want a big, ‘I think I said the wrong thing,’ sort of an apology, or can we take that as said?”

He averts his eyes until the last second because this probably feels more demeaning than begging Azi not to do his magic act at Warlock’s birthday part.

Still turned away, Azi replies in a tone that is a mix of hurt and guilt that makes me think this has been coming for awhile. "I'd like the apology actually." I bet you would, Angel.

Back to Crowley, he pauses to assess his options, takes a deep breath, and says the magic words: “You were right.” Also looks like he almost says something else but either doesn’t know what to say or doesn’t want to say it.

Oh wow, so convincing. Bravo.

Finally, Azi puts down his glasses and his work and turns to address Crowley. He is not happy.

“Not good enough. I want a proper apology.” Also, side note, but Michael Sheen’s voice here is just…yum.

Before Azi can finish, Crowley is so quick to reject this idea. “No.” with a shake of the head.

You're not winning this battle, Crowley, and you know it.

“With the little dance.” Azi’s voice perks up and his eyes brighten at the hope this will happen. Seize that opportunity!

Again, Crowley barely let’s the word “dance” come out before he tries to shut it down. “I don’t do the dance.” Nope, no sir, not this demon.

Oh no, now Azi’s anger joins the hurt and guilt for a vicious trifecta. “I did the ‘I was wrong’ dance in 1650, 1793, 1941…” each date being spat out with increasing amounts of venom.

Oh Crowley, you brought this on yourself, girl.

This non-apology combined with his “I'm sorry. I apologize. Whatever I said, I didn’t mean it. Work with me, I’m apologizing here. Yes? Good. Get in the car.” and I can see why Azi reacts to this the way he does.

Crowley knows he’s beaten and concedes with a “Fine!” that feels the very opposite of the word.

Okay so before the “proper apology” can begin, Azi gets up from his chair, straightens his waistcoat, and stands with his hands grasped in front of him like a proper gentleman. A properly petty gentleman.

Then the main attraction! Crowley, looking completely stone-faced, does “the little dance.”

It’s wonderful. He looks so silly and childish and graceful and mature. And god, that deep knee bend at the end? Amazing.

Also amazing is Crowley’s face when he says "Kay?” while bobbing his head and eyebrows back like a sassy rooster? *chef’s kiss*

For Azi’s part, god it is just a delicious mix of polite poker face and barely concealed thirst. I see your eyes scanning Crowley, drinking in that thin, dark Duke. That little dance will live in his head forever.

And that’s the signal to go back to normal! Crowley regains control and Azi falls back into the supporting role.

Long-term relationships are hard, yo.

[lichtluxx]

Let's talk about ✨️ religious trauma ✨️

What is it?

Religious trauma occurs when a person's religious experience is stressful, degrading, dangerous, abusive, or damaging. For me, personally, I never liked to go to church because the priest was always screaming about hell and fire and all sorts of things.

And when I told my mom I had no intention to go, she just forced me, gaslightening me to think that I was bad for not going, how sad I make her feel, instilling in me this fear that all my efforts were not good enough, that I was not worth enough (I kept thinking she wouldn't loved me if I didn't go to church and that's so messed up). If I wanted a toy or dress, she wouldn't buy it just because I wouldn't go, and she was always like "oh if you want something, just do this simples thing I'm asking of you." Or "I won't buy this for you since you don't go to church. But think about it, this dress would look beautiful in you, if only you obeyed me..."

Unsurprisingly, I got out of christianism and never went back but the fear did not leave me. I'm new to deity work, you know, I've been working with Lucifer around four to five months and Leviathan around one month, and sometimes I keep thinking that I have to do more for my deities, I should learn more, I should put more effort into this or that as a devotional act, and I really have, but not to the extent that I preasure myself to - if I follow what my head tells me, I'd for sure just disappear behind a thousand projects trying to make them proud.

When one is starting to practice or wanting to practice witchcraft it's important to let go of your old beliefs, it's ok to be scared about the unknown, about what you used to think that it's "bad". But in the long run, your fear and untreated religious trauma will get back to you - saying from experience because these past few days I was thinking about why I was so afraid of their rejection, about many what ifs.

What if they disappear? What if they didn't like me anymore? Did they ever like me? And really, it's tiresome to think this all the time.

So I'm compiling a list of things that work for me:

1 - Shadow work (+ therapy)

May sound cliche, but thinking about all the bad things to find the source of your fear sometimes it's the better approach to solve a problem. Finding it may help you greatly to deal with those guilt, fearsome feelings that plague your mind and heart. If you can, go to therapy too, but this one is more optional than obligatory.

2 - Self-care:

Prioritizing self-care activities such as exercise, meditation, and spending time in nature can help manage stress and promote healing.

3 - Reframing beliefs:

Forgive yourself while you rebuild your beliefs and values, surround yourself with things that bring you comfort instead of what makes you scared and jittery. It's important to remember that healing from religious trauma takes time and patience. There is no one-size-fits-all approach, and it's essential to find what works best for you, yet just know that your deities / friends will always be here to lent you an ear. You're not alone. You're loved.

I'm making this post to put an end on this guilt that burdens me. May it never find me again. For my witchy friends around the world, you're strong, you're resilient, you got this! And I'm here for you if you need.

[dearest-and-nearest]

I love bg3 with all my heart (I know, it's surprising and completely unnoticeable, lol), but sometimes I really have problems with main Circle of Abuse theme...

it's hard to explain, but sometimes it really lacks of imperfect victims. like, you can be the shittiest person from the start, even before abuse, and still be a victim.

all victims we see are either broken under circumstances or remained good. the only real evil from the start is Gortash and even that isn't 100% because info is from his parents and they are... them, lol.

while with others... even if they had something bad in earlier concepts (Astarion as corrupt magistrate and slave trader, SH as devote follower of Shar, who enjoys torturing others and etc), devs scrapped it, so it doesn't count. as if Astarion would have connections and worked with Cazador before being transformed into vampire, his fate would be less interesting. or if SH wasn't such a lost girl who just needed love, her rejection of Shar would be less impactful.

and sometimes game really falls into "poor innocent victim and big bad abuser" trope. like, Rolan's story in act 3. i really can't understand why Lorroakan must be 100% evil asshole there (weren't it more interesting, if choice was more grey and on one hand Rolan had talented and genius teacher with unethical methods and on other - people who helped him + his siblings all the way?) and think abuse here exists only because larian needed to put more abuse for god of abuse, but what bothers me is that he's more talented than Lorroakan. once again - if Rolan wasn't more talented and genius than Lorroakan, would be abuse more justified? because sometimes, when game falls into abuseabuseabuse, it feels more like a self-insert fanfiction, where it's not enough to just escape abuse, you need to be better than your abuser! more cool, better in their sphere and more talented! and of course it's not you were bad person from beginning, it's all abuse that broke you!

idk, maybe I'm a bad person, but I really think it's more interesting with evil from the start rather than broken in process, which removes part of guilt from them, at least for most people, because tHey wErE traUmATizIED!!!111

because in fact, all stories about Circle of Abuse in bg3 fall into 2 ways: we have a good person, who was captured by a bad person, broke because of them, then captured another good person and now we have 2 options here: either new captured person breaks down and becomes new evil, or they remain good and of course they read speech about moral into screen, so everyone will understand moral of the story.

[tirfpikachu]

Hey there! Seriously, I don't want to offend and aggression isn't my intent. But as a TIRF, what do you believe makes someone a woman? I'm trying to understand the trans ideology. Is it about identifying with a body or a set of behaviors? Unless TIRF means something else. Still kinda new to radblr lmfao!

ding ding ding, the million dollars question!

so, for cis/non-trans/bio women, obviously for us, the words "girl" and "woman" are used on us as nouns to mean female humans. our womanhood is just our femaleness, us being ofab (observed female at birth) and just existing as female people. some of us still have some form of dysphoria, and so might use they/them or she/they pronouns for example and identify as nonbinary women, bigender, etc but still be fine with people calling them girls/women to refer to their sex. they just may want ppl to also acknowledge their dysphoric side in some way, and refer to them a certain way. but, yeah, for non-dysphoric female/ofab people, femaleness is our womanhood and girlhood. this is one of the most controversial statements for a feminist to make these days, of course, but things are way more complex than some terf-identified (even ironically identified) people portray them as. especially with transition now being an option.

for trans women, for omab people who identify as women, womanhood is about immigrating into an approximate experience to cis/bio women and/or other trans women. i say "and/or" because for some, they actually embrace their transfem womanhood being different than cis/bio womanhood, and they find pride in it (at times too much pride, ofc, and they can say misogynistic/creepy shit to cis/bio women that we've all seen on radblr). they are defining a new form of womanhood, with it being an androgynous experience for an omab person to have; they are more likely to feel kinship with drag queens and still feel a connection to non-transfem gnc omab people. i believe this may be the healthiest way for a trans person to identify and live as the opposite sex (or attempt to live as, or live as with loved ones and in trans-friendly spaces while perhaps not being seen as such in public by random strangers, which ofc is a different experience than someone who is actually viewed by default as such, both female-passing transfemmes and cis/bio women & transmasc people). they view transfem womanhood with gnc tenderness, and actually recognize in some way their sex, though they don't phrase it as that ofc. i find it also in some transmasc people who embrace not being cis men, and find even feminist joy in that being the case.

meanwhile, there's another category: the transfem women who demand that transfem womanhood be considered exactly in the same category in all aspects of cis/bio womanhood. they may tolerate some transfemmes saying otherwise with pride, but if any ofab person says otherwise, or defines their own womanhood as in any way being linked to their sex, they will pick up pitchforks and demand that ofab allies do the same (often ofab allies fight even harder than transfemmes do). those transfem women often have more debilitating dysphoria, but the way that they treat us is still unacceptable and anti-feminist. they often guilt trans men for having any kind of kinship with women, or identifying as lesbian on the basis of being exclusively same-sex attracted, aka ofab4ofab. they can do so if they partially identify as women, but if they live as trans men yet still view themselves as related to cis/bio women on the basis of their sex, they get viciously rejected by the mainstream lgbtq community as transmisogynists. binary trans women are also often, to a lesser degree in my experience, not allowed to call themselves femboys or relate to gay male culture too much; it makes trans men and fellow trans women dysphoric.

i've mostly seen the worst cases be faced by ofab people though, for pretty obvious anti-ofab misogynistic reasons. when someone is socialized as an ofab person to be sweet, excessively polite, and bow down to anyone from a young age, it shocks people when they say, "no, actually, i'm both a trans man and a female person and i'm okay with that, i feel kinship with cis/bio women and other transmasc people, and we still have things in common that i'm not ashamed of. i still want lesbian community." the mainstream lgbtq community doesn't know what to do with those people, so they get really, really angry. for a community that claims to accept the wide diversity of identities and sexualities and expressions they sure put fellow trans people and cis/bio women in tight boxes. they don't realize that they're reinforcing the patriarchy by not allowing ofab people to have class consciousness and get to bond over their shared unique oppression. they view it as an attack, as us saying that trans women do not face oppression, or that they're lesser women for having a transfem womanhood unlike cis/bio womanhood. they don't want cis/bio women to get to define their own womanhood bc it makes them feel left out. which doesn't actually help them or their dysphoria, bc it just alienates them further from normie cis/bio women, and makes them look totally unhinged to normies.

there is cis/bio womanhood, transmasc womanhood, and transfem womanhood, and while these experiences can have many overlaps, especially if the person's transfem womanhood involves passing as female and facing anti-ofab misogyny (conditionally, which ofc turns into anti-transfem bigotry if their sex is ever found out - smth that obviously isn't easy either, for the tra knee-jerkers reading this).

tirf means being inclusive of everyone who faces tangible misogyny, loving gnc people of all kinds, and being willing to offer accommodations to transmasc people and misogyny-affected transfemmes and hear them out on their unique experiences under the heteropatriarchy. it means placing those who face tangible misogyny at the very forefront of things, but also having deep love for gnc people and wanting to fight against gncphobia, including actual cases of transphobia, which helps us all fight against the patriarchy. we are critical of the affirmation-only model with transition, and many of us are detrans or are trans people for whom transition did not help. many of us are also trans themselves, and have faced horrific misogyny in childhood so they refuse to allow normie tras to brush off their trauma and their oppression, even if those trans tirfs are happily post-transition themselves. tirfism is about building bridges between patriarchally oppressed communities. all the infighting is just a distraction, and only cis/bio men benefit from it. to do so, we need to confront issues and actually play the role of the often hated mediators. tirfs fall under nuancefem, but it's specifically a form of activism that interacts with tras and radfems a lot, since the tensions are so high and harm keeps happening on both sides. many of us have been traumatized by anti-ofab and anti-homosexual (as in the technical term, exclusive ofab4ofab & omab4omab) bigotry in the movement. we are not, as many radfems claim, normie libfems. mainstream tras think we're the fucking devil.

not all radfems need to do our form of activism. many of us if not most don't do tirf activism 100% of the time. but tirf activism often includes reaching out to brainwashed ofab people to make them feel heard, and welcoming transfem allies who show real allyship with ofab people. many tras will ONLY listen to transfem voices, so transfem allies actually matters a whole lot in tirf activism; we also wanna hear their stories so we can learn all aspects of patriarchal oppression and actually dismantle the patriarchy once and for all. and, finally, we interact a lot with normie cis/bio women who are not in radfem or tra spaces and have really interesting outsider perspectives on it all. they often tend to have trans friends or have positive views of trans people while also feeling secure in knowing they face sex-based oppression, so they often already are tirf-leaning without even knowing it and felt a bit lost, not agreeing with the 100% transfem-exclusive and anti-transition normie radfem view but also not agreeing with typical tra views either. tirfism is a way for us to reconcile that, and it can be really cathartic for those of us who already do gnc & trans activism, or used to have dysphoria. it's a way for us to merge that with our feminism.

some radfems loooove to say we're not real radfems, and that's fine, but you can't deny that tirfs are peaking normie tras in a specific way that the more terfy fems haven't done so far. we're really helping traumatized ofab/female people, and we're empowering transfem people to speak up on behalf of ofab rights. we're a bunch of weirdos hated by both sides, but we're just happily doing our own thing :]

[xcerizex]

"I thought you were like a plane, high in the sky and unreachable. but she gave you feathered wings"

in other words, I'm bringing Natalie back because I'm a petty bitch.

(Natalie, cael x little painter, mourning of first crush, I bully an NPC because I can, self-indulgent, spoilers for "A Familiar Face", read it rn, it's not just completely Natalie I promise there's fluff at the end, 3.6k words)

"Have you gotten everything?"

"Yes!"

Natalie hoists out her luggage from the taxi with as much force as she can. With some struggle, she succeeds in freeing the roller bag as it falls down to the ground with a loud thud.

Her mother inspects the empty car trunk, making sure they don't miss anything out. Once she's sure and satisfied with herself, she closes the trunk and waves to the taxi driver as a sign of thanks.

"Come on now, the plane for Harp Island leaves in about an hour."

Natalie obediently listens to her mother and follows her through the dense crowd. After waiting in line to verify their tickets, they quickly make their way to the waiting area. The line is long, but when she checks her watch, she realizes there's plenty of time to spare. The plane won't be leaving in about half an hour later.

Her mother notices this too. "Since there's some time left, I can buy a sandwich or something if you're hungry."

Natalie contemplates her mother's offer and finally nods her head. "Sure, I can wait in line in the meantime."

Her mother pats her on the head before leaving, and Natalie takes out a brochure from her pocket to occupy time. The brochure highlights the various attractions on Harp Island, the most noticeable one being St. Shelter Academy.

"I think that St. Shelter Academy is where I would want to go." She hears her friend, a girl with dark hair and a braid dropping over her shoulder, proclaiming her future with renewed conviction as she grips her brush.

Natalie questions her. "Is it because Cael is there?"

Her friend looks back at her in confusion, and Natalie has to resist covering her face in guilt, afraid that her friend would see right through her and the feelings she has for her guardian.

But she doesn't–thankfully–and shakes her head. "Of course not."

Her friend redirects her gaze at her half-finished painting, and Natalie sees a man with a sword lying on the ground clutching a lapis pendant. The knight looks just like Cael.

"It's because it feels as if the course was made for me." Her friend's face glows in excitement just thinking about it. "I think that there would be no where else I could ever learn from that would bring me more joy."

Natalie fidgets with the brush in her hand and looks at her own painting. On her own canvas, she has tried to capture the beauty and perfection of hanging wisterias swaying with the wind, but the more she looks at it, the more soulless it seems to her. Maybe she is just lacking in skill.

"What if I went to St. Shelter Academy with you?"

Her friend lights up with joy as she quickly takes her hand in hers with apparent excitement, and Natalie has to try her best to swallow down the bitterness born from her ulterior motives, so she smiles back.

Back then, she thought that even if Cael had rejected her, maybe, just maybe, she could become a woman in his eyes once he watched her grow older. Not to mention that St. Shelter Academy did sound like a great place to study.

But in the end, she didn't make it, and had to go with her second option. It was still a pretty prestigious university thankfully, and the courses have taught her plenty. But even after all this time–she muses as her eyes drift over the brochure–it doesn't feel as if she has learned much at all.

The wisterias still look as lifeless as ever, no matter how many times she paints them over and over again.

That's why when her mother suggested they have some time off traveling, she had requested they visit Harp Island. She wanted to see with her own eyes how her friend was doing, how much her life has moved on compared to hers.

But Natalie had been hesitant to contact her, even after having planned this trip over the span of a few weeks. So her eyes skim over the brochure without much focus, trying to make the decision to call her before the flight takes off. She comes up with nothing.

She sighs, and stuffs the brochure back into her pocket as her mother approaches her with two chicken sandwiches and a cup of coffee for herself. Thanking her mother with a smile, she scarfs down her sandwich to get rid of all the bad thoughts in her head.

It should be fine.

After some time of waiting, they finally enter the waiting area. There are not many people taking the plane to Harp Island so the crowd here has been thinned considerably in comparison the the main lobby. Natalie scans the area looking for a seat to chill before they board the plane, which opens up in 20 minutes.

"Yes, I'll see you soon."

She freezes. That voice sounds too familiar to be true, so she turns her head around, her heart pounding with anticipation. There's no way...

But he's there. Looking as young as the day she first met him, his silver hair tied up in a ponytail while carrying a suitcase meant for traveling. He holds up the phone to his ear, not having noticed her at all.

And then she sees him smile.

It is full of affection.

"Alright."

His voice is full of affection.

"I'll stay safe."

He ends the call right there, but continues to stand there to stay in the afterglow. His face is tender, and Natalie makes a selfish wish in her heart.

She hopes it's not what she thinks it is.

Natalie considers coming up to talk to him as he finally snaps out of his reverie and lowers his phone. But before she can say anything, her mother calls out to her.

"Natalie! There are a few seats over here-"

Before she could do anything, Cael finally takes notice of her and she has to resist the urge to scream in embarrassment.

"Natalie."

Cael gives off a polite nod to her in acknowledgement and she nods her head back at him with red cheeks. Unfortunately, her mother catches their small interaction and like every sociable mother, goes up to him to make small talk.

"Ah, it's you Mr. Anselm! It's been a while. I see that you're taking the plane to Harp Island too."

At times whenever Natalie had visited, her mother would be there to drop her off and would occasionally make small talk with Cael. Cael, ever the polite gentleman he was then, entertained her mother's long drones without a hint of impatience. Even now, with the plane ready to take off in less than 20 minutes, he still takes the time to listen to her.

"Yes, I am. I've been away travelling for awhile, so I'll be heading back home."

Natalie stands timidly off to the side, listening to their conversation and gathering her courage to speak up.

"Oh, I see! So you've moved to Harp Island?"

"Yes."

His answers are curt, but his expression turns soft.

"Um, are you still teaching at St. Shelter Academy?"

Natalie finally manages to ask him something, but maybe, it's just a distraction to herself.

Before he can answer her, a shadow falls over them as a plane takes off, drowning out every sound and thought. It is sudden, unexpected, and she sees Cael's eyes widen as if mesmerized by the sight of the plane taking flight to the sky.

He looks at it like it's his first time seeing it.

Again, it takes a while for him to pull out of his thoughts, and he looks back them with an apologetic look.

"I apologize, I was lost in thought."

He sets his suitcase down next to his seat. "For your information, Natalie..." Her heart skips a beat as he says her name. "Yes, I am still teaching at St. Shelter Academy. And she's still there as well."

She knows who he's referring to. But she doesn't get much of a chance to ask further, as a staff member comes up to them from the side.

"I'm sorry, miss. But it appears there has been some confusion with the luggage..."

"Oh no..."

Her mother raises a hand to her mouth in slight horror, as the staff member requests her time for the clarification of their luggage, all the while apologizing profusely. Before she is called away, she casts a worried glance over once.

"Mr. Anselm, if it's not too much of a bother, could you perhaps look after my daughter while I'm gone?"

"M-mom! I'm not a kid anymore..."

Her voice trails off in another round of embarrassment, she's old enough to take care of herself! But Cael nods politely and sits down.

"Of course miss."

Oh dear.

So here she is sitting one seat away from Cael, his suitcase propped up between them as if acting as a safety shield. She's not sure how grateful she is for it, not doing much at all to ease her nerves.

"Alright, I'll stay safe."

His tender words echo in her head.

She bunches her fists on her skirt. "That person you called earlier...who was it?"

She's scared to know, but she wants to regardless. She wants to know who was it that softened the heart of her first crush, the one who had rejected her all those years ago.

He doesn't answer her immediately, his idle gaze finally focusing on her as he stays silent. Testing her.

A minute ticks by, and he finally sighs. "You seem to have a guess who it is."

Ah.

"..."

"...I thought you said she was just a teenager to you."

She hates this feeling of inferiority seeping through her veins.

He shakes his head.

"She was, and so were you. But the woman I'm in love with now is not the same girl in your memories, Natalie."

...Why is his tone so cold?

She looks at him straight in the eye, as if defiant. "If I were the one in her place, the one who grew up with you, would you have loved me too?"

"No."

He hates the idea, detests it, completely believing that such a thing could never happen. That is what she hears in that simple refutal.

"I could never genuinely love anyone else the way I love her. Never."

She thinks it is the most unkind she has ever heard him.

A few years ago, when he had rejected her, he had kept his tone calm, and showed kindness and understanding towards her feelings. He turned her down in the most gentle, beautiful way. In her eyes, that was who he was. Gentle, incapable of displeasing others even as he was the one hurting them.

"You've changed."

He's become someone she doesn't recognize.

But Cael finally chuckles. "I didn't just change, I grew out of myself."

She wished she did too, wished she grew out of these feelings for him. But as if he wishes to hammer it home, to drive a nail through her heart, he says;

"But you never really liked me at all to begin with, didn't you?"

She widens her eyes in surprise, her brows furrowing. "What do you mean? I did like you!"

She's sure of that, she's sure of the way her cheeks would flush whenever she saw him, the way she always seemed to go back to thinking of him whenever she picked up a brush all those years ago.

He smiles at her for the first time. "Yes, you liked me then. But what kind of person did you like?"

She takes the chance to prove her feelings.

"It's because you were kind. Gentle. It was the way you would always consider the other party's feelings. The way you would always selflessly care for our safety..."

She could go on more and more, talk about the various ways he would make her heart skip a beat back whenever she caught a glimpse of him after school as he picked her friend up. But then she stops, as she sees his smile turn into a self deprecating one.

"Tell me, Natalie. What kind of person is the one you described?"

"The one who made you believe you could find no one else better?"

Her mother comes over, the staff calls out to everyone to board the plane, and she doesn't know the answer.

"Goodness, that gave me a fright. I really thought our luggage was doomed there for a second."

Her mother mutters in relief as she fans herself with her hand, and Natalie pats her mother on the back in an attempt to calm her down.

Yet, her mind is elsewhere all the way.

She takes a peek to her side as she and her mother hoist up their luggage on to the cabin. Cael is right over there, just a few seats away. But he doesn't do so much as face their direction, and she is too afraid to go up to him to ask him what he meant by that.

"What kind of person is the one you described?"

Was that not him?

She takes her seat as a young voice sounds through the plane.

"Please make sure to buckle your seatbelts, pay attention to the safety procedures, and switch on airplane mode on your phones to ensure a safe and smooth ride."

She takes out her phone to do as it says, but spots a new message from a group chat on her phone.

It's from her ex.

He's wishing her a safe trip, and reminding her to do her homework as she's away before college starts back up. The few other messages below his are from her friends, laughing at him for thinking about homework.

They're still on friendly terms, despite having broken up with him a few weeks ago and she will always feel extremely grateful for that. So she switches off her phone before putting it back into her pocket to listen to the safety procedures performed by the air attendants.

She doesn't hear them. What she hears instead is Cael's voice, as her eyes drift towards him.

When she entered college, she hyped herself up. Told herself that maybe she could forget about her first love so long as she focused on her studies. Afterwards, she found people she liked, and they liked her back. So she dated them.

But it all ended the same way, with a strained smile and the words;

"I'm not sure if we're right for each other."

Or something similar. The one who'd end things would either be her or her partner, funnily enough.

Even now, she's not sure what the reason is, why it always reaches the same end of the same road like every other relationship.

The plane is starting to take off, and Natalie leans back on her chair in contemplation while closing her eyes.

Why?

"Tell me, Natalie What kind of person is the one you described?"

"The one who made you believe you could find no one else better?"

"I'm sorry."

Her ex looks back at her kindly, as if trying to soften the blows of his words.

"But I'm not sure if we can go on."

And she wants to pretend it hurts like hell, the way they do in movies.

It does not.

"Alright then." Natalie accepts his rejection–her voice muted–and wonders where did she go wrong again?

"Is there a reason why?"

Maybe she can learn from this. Maybe the next time, it won't have an ambiguous ending.

Her ex looks at her in surprise at her bravery and holds up a hand to his chin. "If I were to say something, and please don't take any offense to this but..."

His voice trails, hesitant.

"...It felt as if you couldn't see the real me."

Now it's her turn to be surprised. She blanks out, as the words echo in tandem with the memory of her first relationship. The both of them had said the same thing, with the same tone and sense of defeat in their words.

Maybe it really is her fault, but she is still unsure on how to fix this. From the day her first relationship ended, she sought out to change that problem, she thought she changed.

Clearly she had not, and she finds it all very disturbing.

Her other relationships ended with her saying something similar. No matter how much she tried, something about their time together would feel off, as if there was an invisible wall between them. She liked them, truly, but it felt suffocating, a strange and uncomfortable feeling–one she was too afraid to identify–bearing down on her heart like weights.

So she put a stop it. To protect that fragile ego ready to be broken down by the truth.

And that unwanted feeling in her chest?

It must have been disappointment.

"...Ah, so that's what it was."

Natalie finally opens her eyes and unclenches her fist. It's dark out and most of the passengers have fallen asleep–including her mother whose head rests on her shoulder.

He's also fallen asleep.

She should stop watching him. So she decides to redirect her gaze to the back of the seat in front of her. Anywhere else that's not near him is fine.

She has to stop looking at him that way, as the perfect person she always thought he was. That must have been why none of her relationships worked out.

She wasn't just comparing them to him, she was looking at them the way she looked at him. She was looking for their good sides, and only their good sides.

No wonder her wisteria painting looks lifeless.

She stretches her legs as if to relieve the stinging pain in her heart, and thinks back to the soft expression he wore earlier. The gentle way he spoke to his beloved. The coldness in his voice as he spoke to her, no longer caring to be the perfect person he needed to be for others.

His intention was clear; he did not want anything to do with her. Or rather, with her old friend.

Natalie can only hope she's not there waiting for him as they reach their destination. She's not sure how she would face her.

"Passengers, please ensure that all of your personal belongings have been secured before you exit the plane. Thank you."

Natalie blinks the sleep away from her eyes, blearily opening them to peek out the windows of the boardwalk with her luggage in hand.

Harp Island is beautiful, and even from this distance, she can see the glistening sea. The waves throw themselves against the banks as seagulls fly amongst each other, and she has the urge to whip out her paintbrush and capture everything on canvas. Too bad she left all her painting materials at home.

Besides, could she ever capture them the way she wishes to paint her wisterias? She's not sure.

But she's sure that her old friend could, she thinks, as she recalls the rows and rows of colourful paintings brimming with life despite their clumsy techniques.

Her friend was special that way, she should have realized sooner. Perhaps that was the reason Cael saw her differently.

And as if reading her thoughts, her mother turns to her. "Have you contacted your friend yet?"

Natalie hesitates, and takes out her phone to stare at a name hidden deep within her contacts.

"Not yet."

Should she do it now?

"Passengers, please collect your luggage from Area 2B."

Maybe later.

They collect the remaining luggage from the conveyor belt, and head towards the main lobby to confirm their passports. Natalie watches as Cael goes through the local check-in and leaves ahead of them, not at all looking back.

Then, Cael picks up the speed of his steps as if startled and rushes forward in a hurry, his suitcase landing on the floor with a loud thud.

She passes through the verification check-in and notices the flutter of dark purple hair.

"Cael!"

The first thing Natalie notices is how Cael catches her, eager and fast, as he buries his face into his lover's shoulder. He stumbles a bit from her weight but uses it as leverage to twirl her around and hold her up by the waist. His every action–from the soft squeeze of his arms around her to the way his ears flush a vibrant red–conveys his longing.

"I missed you so much, Cael."

"Yes."

She sees him pull back, smiling a radiant smile, and is duly reminded of a bird taking flight, soaring into the sky.

His smile is full of love.

"I missed you a lot too."

And his voice is hoarse, his tone earnest as he speaks out his feelings.

The second thing Natalie notices is how beautiful her old friend has become. She watches her pull back to reveal a smile rivaling that of the sun, laughing while caressing her lover's bangs away and holds up his cheeks to get a better look at him.

"You did, didn't you?"

Cael shakes his head in endearment.

"Of course. And you're no better."

She is positively glowing with love.

He finally sets her down on her feet, but refuses to let go of her waist, wanting to stay as close to her as possible. Neither of them care about their public display of affection, nor the blushing faces of those around them.

And Natalie feels her heart break into two.

The difference is as clear as day, between the man she liked then, and the person who he has become today.

He looks human.

The third thing she realizes is that she has never looked at him as one.

'So that's why he fell in love.'

She watches them leave her behind, but not before Cael covertly glances back and makes a gesture like that of a phone.

'She looked at him for who he was.'

Natalie fishes her phone out of her pocket to look at a familiar name, and agonizes over and over again. Stares at it until the sun has gone down and tears fall down her cheeks.

Maybe at least, she can stop painting the wisterias.

[thistransient]

Halfway through July, and I have neglected to write my yearly birthday introspection, although it did occur to me that between my birthday and the new year I was in fact doing two introspections a year anyways.

For certain reasons I've been waffling about it, but it's also quite nice to be able to look back and compare with the previous year, to see what's changed (sometimes unexpectedly) and what's still the same. Last year I mentioned I "made a close friend [...] and disentangled myself from a draining relationship", but in the end I had been drawn to said friend because he was the polar opposite of the person I was disentangling myself from, and while a different extreme might have been refreshing in the moment, that too was unsustainable in the long run. I think what finally dragged me out of the cycle of too-clingy/too-distant nebulous just-friends-but-what-if sort of relationships was twofold: I started going to counselling with a goal (not the usual "I feel like I'm having a breakdown so I'll see a therapist for 3-6 months before ditching"), and also got into a communal hobby such that I was able to make casual friends and attend regular and diverse events with a time limit (rather than laser focusing on one person and relying on them for all my socialising).

A year ago I said I was feeling adrift, goal-less, and filled with the sort of summer malaise inspired by the scorching Taipei weather this time of year. Unfortunately we are still rather scorched. The temperature and UV levels somewhat put a damper on my usual practice of walking around outside looking at things. On the positive side, I did struggle through the adrift-ness and applied for one (1) grad school program over the winter, which I didn't get into but I did learn that I feel better when I'm working on something, and I was also motivated to finally take Taiwan's Chinese proficiency exam to open up my options for the sort of programs I could try for in the future (I passed a level higher than I expected to, and it was great to feel acknowledgment of my competence at something I'd really put long-term effort into). After the grad school rejection I started planning the trip to Ladakh, which allllmost felt like it involved a similar level of paperwork and fuss- and actually pulling that off in the end (ok, even tho this was after my birthday) despite all my fears and anxiety (particularly around travelling post-transition) was also a great confidence boost. (For a week after I also had this frantic urge to drastically change my life, and I can't tell if it wore off with time or if the heat simply drained out all ambition beyond staying out of the sun and sitting in front of the fan eating cold dragonfruits.)

I have at least two proper goals now, and although one may require starting over entirely from an educational standpoint, as they say, "the time will pass anyways". On my bike rides at night I do tend to start pondering what shall become of me, creeping along in the years but being no closer to permanent or even temporary residency status than any other time I write about it either wistfully or with well-intentioned but otherwise ultimately futile determination, nor feeling like I am useful for any sort of capitalist pursuits. (I suppose this is the part of reflection wherein things have stayed the same, and we must stay tuned for next year.) But I also believe I have made some progress in deflating a little the omnipresent catholic guilt at simply existing, not to mention the adjacent notion that enjoying life a bit and not being maximally miserable at all times is a SIN. By this I mean I have gone twice now to a nice hair salon to let a beautiful woman shampoo, condition, and also give me a haircut that doesn't bear a strong resemblance to a bichon-frise immediately after.

All in all, I would say the verdict is incremental improvement. (Okay maybe I'm also racking up incremental nerve damage from all the shibari but you win some you lose some.) My housing/employment/visa-running status hasn't changed dramatically but I feel more hopeful and kinder with myself. I think my Chinese reading speed has kicked up a notch. I've managed to keep the instant noodle consumption under control. I've sent a lot of postcards on my quarterly trips, which are generally well-received. I have taken great delight in growing many plants in the window cage (whether they survive is another thing, RIP to the tomato plants while I was away, bravo to the basil that miraculously rehydrated from what seemed to be a completely unsalvageable state, sorry to the lemon tree sprout that was apparently doing fine on its own before I came back and over-watered it to death). Things feel kinda okay, and I used to be quite suspicious of this because surely they were only going to get worse again, but these days I figure hey, even so, might as well enjoy it while it lasts.

[beanieman]

Hi! Who from YTTD cast would use 200 tokens to escape alone and who wouldn't, if they magically could obtain them all?

Sara Chidouin - I feel like this would be an optional ending...so maybe depending on how you play her! The Sara's who are currently somewhere with Nao would likely be open to this option, but the Sara's who spare Kanna would not be as open minded.

Joe Tazuna - I don't think Joe would. He was hesitating to escape when he could have escaped with his best friend in the world, I don't think he could bring himself to escape if it meant abandoning Sara.

Gin Ibushi - No. Gin says in 3B that it bothers him that the group help him all the time and he can't help them back, so I really don't think he'd leave his friends to die.

Keiji Shinogi - My gut instinct says no, but I still think he would do something sleezy with the coins. Like use them to his bartering advantage and also as a way to gain trust from the others.

More Undercut

Alice Yabusame - No. Alice wouldn't abandon his allies.

Reko Yabusame - No. Reko wouldn't abandon her allies.

Nao Egokoro - I don't think she would UNLESS she had the sacrfice card in her hands and literally no other option to survive. I think she would save herself in that case, but she says herself that she didn't want to betray anyone when she had the sacrfice card. So I don't think she would leave and doom the others unless there was no other way out. Though I think would hesitate a lot if she knew that Sara couldn't come with her.

Kazumi Mishima - I can't see Mishima leaving everyone for death. Especially if Nao was alive.

Q-taro Burgerberg - I just have this weird feeling that he would.

Kai Satou - No. Because that would mean abandoning Sara, the only person he wants to protect.

Kanna Kizuchi - Her guilt in the game is surrounding the death of Kugie and not being able to save her. I couldn't see her being willing to kill other people so she could survive, and I think it would likely be a trigger to her trauma to even consider it.

Shin Tsukimi - I'm going to say no, but not because he's just such a good person. He cares enough about Kanna to throw his life away in her name. I don't think he would turn his back and leave her to die. No matter how scared he is of death.

Dolls

Ranmaru Kageyama - Actually. No. I don't think he would. The reason he wants to kill all of the other participants is to escape with Sara. He sees Sara as a friend, and he's such a lonely person that he heavily values her companionship to unhealthy levels. Therefore, I don't think he'd want a lone victory. I think he'd be much more likely to try and escape using the sacrfice card.

Naomichi Kurumada - At the start of his arc, yes. He believes in winning and thinks it's worthless to have allies. Both of those traits would push him toward the vending machine. However, once he grew to care about the other participants, I don't think anything could have convinced him to leave them for dead.

Anzu Kinashi - Maybe on accident. She would think she was getting an actual soda and then accidentally kill everyone. Oopsie. Maybe that's why she has such a high win rate.

Mai Tsurugi - She absolutely would anywhere in her arc before she stabbed Q-Taro. While Mai's not cruel by any means, she says it herself she wants to live. However, like Q-Taro, her heart tends to waiver, and I don't think would do it after her stabbing arc. Yet, I think it's decently likely she'd still consider it for a second before rejecting the idea.

Shunsuke Hayasaka - I think he'd consider it, but then come to the conclusion that he couldn't kill Gin.

Hinako Mishuku - I don't think she would since she's a ASU-NARO agent, and would likely to be told to not do anything so the games could have an actual participant win.

[dross-the-fish]

Most of Solas's regrets in Veilguard seem to stem from sacrificing his morals out of love for Mythal over and over again. He could never ask Lavellan to join him because he doesn’t want her to sacrifice her morals for him the same way he did for Mythal. Solas could so easily have asked a romanced Lavellan to use the Anchor to tear down the Veil—it was its original purpose, after all—but he would never make that request of her.

This is why Lavellan is the one pining after him, and his ultimate sin is giving in to her instead of turning her away. Honestly, I find it less damning than what Anders did to Hawke. Anders not only aggressively pursued Hawke but emotionally manipulated them into becoming an accomplice in his act of terror. Even if Hawke agreed with his stance, Anders never gave them the choice.

Solas, on the other hand, is tender and loving when they are together. He even considers giving up his plans to live a simple life with her. But his grief and guilt are too overwhelming for him to follow through.

Does Lavellan deserve better? Probably, yeah. After everything she’s been through, she’d likely be happier with Cullen, Josephine, or Sera. But what happened with Solas wasn’t some ordinary romance. She met him during a world-shattering event, where she was thrust into the center of everything. At that time, he was kind, supportive, and gave her the guidance she needed.

Sure, they might have clashed initially over the Dalish—his bitterness toward them stemming from bad experiences after waking—but he eventually changes his mind. If Lavellan chooses to keep her Vallaslin (a literal symbol of his failure), he respects her choice, supports her, and still calls her beautiful. Solas isn’t just any man; he’s a being who has walked the earth for thousands of years. As Lavellan says to Rook: "You felt the power of this mind. His love could burn against me like a bonfire." That’s not the kind of love you can just move on from.

And Solas? This man spends 10 years stalking her in her dreams, leaving breadcrumbs for her agents to follow if she wants to. He won’t pressure her, but he gives her the option. Even his final letter shows his selfishness and vulnerability—he wants her to understand him, hopes she finds the new world better, and admits he wishes he could stay with her. He’s a selfish, pathetic man who can’t make a clean break. Even at the end, when she offers to go with him, he doesn’t ask her to stay but also doesn’t have the strength to reject her outright. One is certain he does love her.

Tbh we're just going to have to acknowledge that you and I do not like the same things out of a story. I do not view any of this as "good" from a writing or storytelling perspective and it's probably my least favorite flavor of romance. I cannot find it in me to respect either Solas or Lavellan's side of the relationship in the scenario you've presented for me. i'm not even saying that you're wrong in your interpretation. I just think we disagree that this is a positive thing. I would also say that I feel it weakens Solas as a potentially interesting villain if we interpret from his regrets that he was acting against his own morality and only tearing down the veil out of a nostalgic sense of love for Mythal. Again, this reinforces that Solas is Lavellan's top priority but she isn't his because he won't do the thing he considers "morally correct" for her sake but he will keep going against his own wishes or desires out of love for Mythal. "Solas isn’t just any man; he’s a being who has walked the earth for thousands of years. As Lavellan says to Rook: "You felt the power of this mind. His love could burn against me like a bonfire." That’s not the kind of love you can just move on from."-

Yeah this line made me flinch HARD when I heard it in Veilgaurd because I don't like the trope of a romance being somehow magical or special or more important than friendship or family and the fact that it has consumed her to the extent that she's saying something like that feels less romantic to me and more like I'm looking at someone who's become obsessed.

She doesn't sound like a partner or a lover she sounds like a worshiper and when you consider Solas is a "god" of sorts that just gives me the ick. Sorry. I am really not trying to yuck your yum but I don't think I can be convinced there is anything salvageable to this romance.

[mikuni14]

Will Phee actually tell Jin the truth?

In the trailer of the next ep we see Phee and Jin walking hand in hand, they seem to be close together, so there are two options:

Phee told the truth and Jin somehow understood his motivations? and forgave him for 3 years of lying????

Phee lied

Phee not telling the truth to Jin seems to me the most logical move, above all, because of one thing: Jin is most afraid of Ghost Keng, which only appears to him, which is very interesting from the point of view of Phee and Tan Detective Agency , and Jin screams in the last episode in horror: it's all my fault! Which is VERY interesting for our little sherlocks.

Unfortunately, Phee may as well spill the beans to Jin because:

Phee has feelings for him, he also feels at least a little guilty

Phee wanted an explanation of what happened to Non, but certainly not to the level that Tan did. I also have the impression that Phee was already on the way to forgetting Non, or at least leaving that stage behind him, until Tan appeared, and after graduation, he did not pursue this "investigation" any further.

what happened to Por, Deng, was not in the plan and seriously scared him

Is it possible that Phee told Jin about everything and Jin forgave him and maybe even joined the operation? Technically no, it seems unrealistic to me. But there is such a possibility. I once read an interview with a cop who dealt with old crimes, 20-30 years ago, even older. And he said that when, thanks to modern technologies that were not available before, they manage to solve an old case and come to the murderers to arrest them, they are usually calm and very often say "I was waiting for you." And often they just talk about everything right away, as if they were living in guilt, under a huge burden, and suddenly felt relief that they could tell the truth. And repent.

I think what happened to Non weighs on this group, whether they realize it or not, and the older they get, the more what they did to Non dawns on them. This can be seen by how quickly they fell apart and how they immediately assumed that whatever was "hunting" them must be Non. Jin COULD see Phee's mission (who doesn't even have to mention Tan or even tell the whole truth) as an opportunity to "free" himself, to atone for his sins by helping him look for Non.

Under normal circumstances, Jin would be devastated, furious, hurt, pissed off. But these are not normal circumstances and Jin is responsible and guilty, maybe we still don't even know everything (why does Jin react so strongly to Keng?) and maybe he will finally realize what he probably already knows subconsciously: that something bad happened to Non. And maybe in this abnormal situation, Jin could forgive Phee and want to help him. Especially since it would explain Phee's behavior towards him, the fwb situationship, the rejection, which would certainly bring some kind of relief to Jin.

I'm very curious if Phee will lie or tell Jin the truth and if so, whether it will be a whole truth. Both options are likely and holding hands could mean anything 🤷‍♀️

[the80srewinders]

We were looking at r/fakedisordercringe and r/systemscringe (bad idea) and we found a lot of misinformation. We're going to correct the myths in this post, and this will be a team effort by a few other sysmates. They will be credited at the end of the post.

Trigger warnings for abuse, RAMCOA and denial apply.

This person is trying to invalidate RAMCOA. And they're using an inaccurate study to prove it.

We have, in fact, read this study. It seems largely stereotype driven instead of a true unbiased study because people with other, often traumagenic mental disorders (like cluster b personality disorders) often are open about the trauma they truly experienced if these disorders affect them to have attention seeking behavior. And this study failed to mention that. For the "having told persons other than close confidants" part, its often unsafe for people with DID, much less people who developed it from RAMCOA to be open about it in person to people they know. They feel safer venting or sharing their experience online because theres the optional anonymity you can choose and you're safe from anyone who abused you. Its not attention seeking- its seeking support.

I do agree with the telling of alleged abuse without accompanying shame, guilt or suffering" part to an extent. If you're talking about trauma you claim you remember and have no distress, that's a sign you're either faking or really detached from your memories. But most of the "alleged" abuse these people are talking about they don't remember because thats how childhood trauma and DID work. Many singlets with childhood trauma don't remember majority or any of it because the brain "forgets" different aspects of trauma. And DID is a posttraumatic dissociative disorder entirely based on amnesia of trauma to survive. So if the person is being open about abuse with no distress, it could also be because they don't remember it but know it happened because of clues. Can't feel distress of remembering something you don't remember.

While RAMCOA has strayed away from its original meaning, that's because of misuse (and we blame both the ISSTD and misinformed mental health "professionals" for that along with media presentations.) RAMCOA stands for ritual abuse, mind control and organized abuse. The hyped satanic panic and gory sacrifices are only a small part of the acronym. Mind control doesn't have to be done by a cult. Ever been brainwashed by anyone? Thats a form of mind control. Organized abuse is more common than the satanic, stereotyped ritual abuse. OEA is a simple and inclusive term, and can encompass all forms of RAMCOA but also isn't widely recognized or used yet. And as far as the "HC-DID" term, DID is already highly complex even in people who aren't OEA survivors- DID and OSDD-1 are considered complex dissociative disorders. The term is basically just a fancy way of saying "hey I'm polyfrag because of RAMCOA!" All you need to say is that you're polyfrag because of RAMCOA, you don't need a fancy label for everything.

And yes, introjects are common in neurodivergent systems. Lets go ahead and do autism as an example: being autistic causes distress from hypersensitivity, its a common and documented autistic trait to hyperfixate, people with autism deal with rejection and social anxiety because of how autism works, and people with autism are more likely to be abused. Being autistic is traumatizing itself and this is why neurodivergent systems have plenty of introjects. Especially fictives; people with autism often seek comfort in fiction. And if alters in DID only develop during or after trauma, then this whole theory is solid.

This person is truly uneducated in how abuse survivors brains work especially RAMCOA. These survivors don't label the organization, cult or not, out of fear; when they were programmed, the idea anyone they told - especially if they shared the organizations name- would be in danger or die, or the survivors themselves would be in danger or die was programmed in them. If they're talking about it for awareness, just sharing their lived experiences is all that's needed. Sharing the name of the organization paints a target on the backs of the survivors and their close family and friends. And not every cult is going to present itself in an obvious way especially if they involve RAMCOA. They're going to make it seem like some new religious or pagan movement instead of a traumatizing cult. And yes, they do remain hidden.

This is ableist. If this person is referring to DID/OSDD, that's permanent and even if all alters fuse the ability to split them off again is still there. DID/OSDD are not disorders that can be fixed. Its a permanent rewiring of the brain due to frequent and overwhelming trauma. This involves a missed neurodevelopmental stage (the ego states fusing into one cohesive sense of self before the age of 6-10) and a posttraumatic survival response. Basically, DID/OSDD can't be "fixed" because our brains missed that developmental stage and this is how our brains are permanently. The "you get therapy to fix what went wrong so you can be one whole person as you were meant to be" is ableist and outdated. Its based on the old view of DID/OSDD treatment back when it was called multiple personality disorder: work on the trauma then force the system to fuse into one identity against their will so they'll be "cured."

Don't believe anything you see on r/fakedisordercringe or r/systemscringe. These are the most ableist, hateful subreddits on there and these subreddits set our recovery back when we were in the vulnerable, most important stage of treatment- the diagnostic process and trauma processing. We wouldn't have near the denial or alters that developed from the distress of the host thinking they're faking and much more.

Sysmates who contributed to this post- Finley (host) Everly (gatekeeper) and Marcia (trauma holder)

[atgvnpoint]

"Truth hurts, sometimes it makes you feel like you just want to cut your life short. My reasons for stating the obvious, is not to make you feel guilt or make you feel question your love or loyalty to your husband, even worse make you feel like you're one of those man whores. You and your husband have a history, a past the both of you aren't proud about. Is it hard to say those hidden secrets that burn you from within, your husband can see right through you. You can say whatever you want to make him feel good, feel like he's the only one in your hear -- fact of the matter is, someone else occupies your heart whether you'll admit that to your husband or his brother. You can always try and box that love for Amaru, but your husband knows, i can see it in your eyes now. Lying just not make them fight over you or worse kill each other. I don't blame you for thinking that, you know Ludovic best. He'd kill that love you feel for Amaru. "

This wasn't about telling Benny he's an awful human being, no. Devil Ghostface released a deep sigh that sounded muffled within the mask. " You can't turn back time and undo everything. You can't stop who you love whether your heart now shares your love with another. Ludovic doesn't think you mistreat him, he's not once thought a bad thing. On the contrary, he's thought about everything else, any possible way to view a life with Amaru, maybe he'd give you what you wanted. All the nice things, a real love, the ones that almost everyone craves and desires. Ludovic would die to just see you happy -- with him or with anyone else. That's what you do when you love somebody. Good things always come to an end ...sometimes though." Devil Ghostface looked at his knife. "Yeah i do got a knife, i could end you, i could kill you. An easy yet perfect kill. What's the fun in killing you, when you can cut a whole in the center, right in Ludovic's heart. " his gloved hand turned the knife on himself, dragging the tip temptingly over his clothed chest. "It's too easy. " turning the knife back towards Benny. " Knives look pretty on you though, but not in the way you think. I got a better use for you. "

Nothing   of   the   things   Devil   Ghostface   said   made   Benji   feel   any   better.   If   not   it   made   him   feel   worse   than   before.   He   didn't   ask   to   have   any   feelings   for   Amaru   and   he   wished   so   much   to   turn   them   off.    But   like   Ghostface   said,   he   also   had   a   past   but   Benji   knew   that   his   past   wasn't   as   wild   as   Ludovic's.   Yet,   does   that   matter   now?   No.   Somehow,   he   wished   he   would   have   met   Amaru   first.   Somehow,   he   wished   that   he   would   have   had   a   relationship   with   Amaru   first   just   for   the   younger   Montserrate   to   leave   him   soon   because   Benji   was   crazy.   But   then   these   things   wouldn't   be   a   topic   between   Ludovic   and   him   anymore.   He   had   to   press   his   lips   together   to   stop   himself   from   shouting   at   the   cloaked   figure   in   front   of   him.   Raising   his   voice   wouldn't   help   them.

❝I   don't   want   a   life   with   Amaru.   I   wouldn't   be   here   then.   I   would   have   rejected   Ludovic   back   in   Mexico.   It   was   our   chance   to   get   a   divorce   quick   and   easy.   I'm   here   with   him   because   I   love   him.   It   is   a   real   love   with   all   the   nice   things.   Yes,   we   have   our   quarrels   because   we   are   both   fucking   crazy   and   jealous   as   fuck.   But   that's   how   we   work   and   I   wouldn't   want   it   any   other   way.❞   Sometimes,   Benji   wanted   to   violently   force   these   words   into   Ludovic's   brain   until   he   finally   understood.   He   knew   that   his   husband   still   thought   that   Amaru   was   the   better   option.   Maybe   Amaru   was   the   better   choice   looking   at   it   from   the   outside,   but   Benji   knew   that   everything   would   always   draw   him   back   to   Ludovic   no   matter   how   hard   he'd   try   to   avoid   the   other.   It   didn't   work   back   then   before   they   became   a   couple   and   it   would   still   not   work.   Yet   before   Benji   could   think   about   it   further,   Devil   Ghostface   turned   the   knife   and   pointed   at   his   own   chest.

This   was   the   moment   Benji's   mind   went   blank   and   pure   fear   took   over   his   rational   mind.   Benji   closed   the   distance   between   them   and   wrapped   his   hand   around   ghostface's   wrist   his   other   hand   slapped   Ghostface's   shoulder   harshly.   ❝Don't   threaten   my   husband!❞   His   blue   eyes   sparkled   dangerously,   not   minding   that   the   tip   of   the   knife   pointed   at   him   again.   No,   instead,   Benji   leaned   his   chest   a   little   more   against   the   tip   until   he   felt   a   sharp   sting.   His   nails   dug   into   ghostface's   wrist.   ❝You   won't   hurt   him   only   over   my   dead   body!   What   is   the   use   you   have   for   me?   Tell   me   before   I   seriously   slap   you   for   threatening   my   husband!❞ // @inscnityclub

[i-heart-hxh]

Hiiii! You're probably absolutely sick of these asks by now regarding the leaked ending, but as a relatively new fan, I have a possibly dumb question: what is the point of them revealing this scrapped ending? Just to get fans up in arms? Like obviously it's not being used, hence it's no good, but then what's the point of revealing it to us when the real ending is seemingly so far away? I personally feel it would make more sense, after the series actually ends, to say "well, here's all the other endings we considered! Haha glad we didn't use these!" and then it would be more lighthearted. Idk, it makes me ill at ease, but I'm more confused than anything?

I'm still trying to process what to do with this information as well, and discussing it with people and explaining what I think about it helps, so I'm definitely not sick of talking about it for now! It'll probably take me a while to reach that point, though I may need to space it out with other topics after a bit, haha.

So, I'm sure the main reason Togashi revealed this rejected ending is to leave his fans with something in case he dies suddenly or is otherwise incapacitated. While (as far as we know) his health issues don't seem to be life-threatening, they do seem to be excruciatingly painful, and after the sudden death of Kentaro Miura (the author of Berserk, an extremely famous and well-regarded manga) a few years ago, many people started discussing Togashi's health and the very real possibility he'll never get to finish HxH.

I think the bind he was put in was that he doesn't want to reveal how he plans to end the series or even give us good hints/insight into what he has planned, so he's providing this rejected ending as last resort option--just anything people can look at and say, "Well, at least we have one idea of how it could have gone," (at one point, anyway) if it comes down to it. As I've said in other posts, I think this ending fits a bunch of criteria that are delicate to balance, and so if he wants to provide something, this is all he can give us. Because this is an epilogue that's disconnected from the main plot and reveals essentially nothing, and because he doesn't plan to use it (or anything like it, I'm guessing), it's "safe" to put out there. That's probably why it's clichéd and boring, he can't give us anything juicy without putting himself in a tough situation writing-wise.

There is in fact a lot of uncertainty about whether Togashi will be able to finish HxH--the current arc is tremendously complex, Togashi goes on long hiatuses for his health often, who knows how much more of the series he has planned. The current arc is ambitious, to say the least. Togashi himself has said he doesn't know if he or HxH will perish first, but he still has things he wants to explore in it.

While I don't like this rejected ending he released at all, I do think it comes from his concern for his fans and guilt at his slow progress in the manga, and fear that he won't actually be able to finish. So, he wanted to leave something, anything, while still keeping as many of his writing avenues open as he can and not tipping his hand to any elements that are still in play. For instance, I think he didn't include Killua at all because he knows there's a lot of suspense among the audience about whether he and Gon will reunite, so by leaving him out, that's still completely ambiguous. Same with no Kurapika--will Kurapika live or not? Well, if he doesn't appear and just vaguely describes "this character's relative," etc., there's no hints about the outcome of that, either.

While I would have preferred he reveal other potential endings after the end of the series, like you said, he sadly may not ever have that luxury.

I haven't seen anyone else say this, but I'm also sure the letter itself and this reveal are PR--the last round of Puzzle, the Togashi Exhibition, just opened in Fukuoka the other day, and releasing this shocking ending now is guaranteed to generate buzz and publicity. So, that's an additional factor to keep in mind! I'm sure the timing isn't a coincidence.

I hope that answers some of your questions! It's an odd turn of events, but I think I at least understand the reasoning behind the reveal, if not all the choices made in the rejected ending itself.

[beevean]

me constantly going in the CV tag despite knowing that it's 10% nice game fanart, 40% gifs of the show, and 50% some absolute braindamaging takes, is taking a toll on me

because after blocking the nth post admiring Lenore for playing Hector like a fiddle/saying Hector deserved to be enslaved for his original plan of culling mankind (nvm that babyboy Isaac was far more evil about it and he never got punished for wanting to "purify" the world)...

... I really want to think about Lenore and how I'd make her work with the crumbs that the show gave me lol

Lenore is obviously meant to be a parallel to Hector. Both of them are the animal lovers of their group, and mocked for it. Both of them are the "nice" ones in a group where cruelty reigns. Both of them are the least respected of their group - Dracula and Isaac shitting on Hector vs. Striga and Morana not even thinking about Lenore when they peace out. Both of them got used then discarded - yes, even Lenore, who became useless after enslaving Hector. Both of them are actually more of a threat than they look (allegedly, in Hector's case, but I can tell the intention was there).

Then there's the way they contrast. Lenore is a vampire who still clings on vestiges of humanity: she likes to eat food ("why live forever, if you're not going to live well?"), she rejects brute violence (again, allegedly) in favor of the more human art of diplomacy, she's compassionate about lesser creatures (humans included), and she's horrified at the realization that she is, deep down, nothing more than a greedy beast destined to crave more and more. Hector is a human alienated by humanity, who thinks culling is the kindest option, relates more to animals than his own species, and seems fascinated by the nature of vampires.

Imagine if the two actually bonded over this, and betrayed their "factions" because finally they found someone who respects them. And I mean organically bonded. On screen. With dialogue. Without the gross BDSM petplay. That part 100% has to go, it adds nothing, it's humiliation for humiliation's sake, it ruins Lenore's character, and it's just masturbation fuel.

I'd also change the scene where Lenore beats Hector. In my idea, Lenore flees from Hector's clutches, and then doesn't visit him again... for a week... and leaves him without food and water. By the time she comes back, Hector is desperate and is not above begging for some water, but she doesn't want to come close. "Are you going to hurt me again? :< you hurt me the last time :< you're so scary :< I did nothing to you and you tried to kill me :< I'm afraid that you'll do it again :<"

Basically, treating Hector like a rabid dog until he genuinely apologizes, and not only he learns the lesson that he shouldn't attack the only vampire who visits him, but he feels actually guilty and a terrible person about it. Made worse by how sensitive Hector probably is about all of this, as a love-starved abused child.

You know, manipulation, not just a brute display of strength to admire how stronk the girlboss is.

I don't know how their relationship would go from here, though. I only know that I'm more than happy with Lenore sunning herself: it is thematically coherent for her, her refusal to become like Carmilla, her guilt for hurting Hector, and if the two actually cared for each other, her choice to look at the only man who treated her with respect rather than the sun would be lovely.

Needless to say, we can only get here if she organically grows fond of him and doesn't rape him :^) but if she does, if she's really so cruel to hurt a man at his most vulnerable just to do what her sisters asked of her, then the story should treat her as such - and I'd also love to see Hector just snap, because by this point he's sick and tired of being seen as an object. Give him his big moment of taking down both vampires who hurt him. (in my vision not only he smashes Lenore's skull with his hammer, but he also takes a swing at Isaac - not killing him, just hurting him a little. please)

But I'd rather avoid that. I would like both characters to have agency - not even falling in love with each other, I don't care about that (they'd never be a cute couple anyway, not when she starts out as his jailer), just have a more interesting relationship built on two kindred spirits finding each other, but driven apart by their roles and nature. The vampire chooses death, the human grows and thrives.

There is sadly not going around the fact that Hector fell for two vampires (three if you count Dracula, but I can forgive that one) who employed the same strategy. I don't like the way Carmilla uses Hector either, but I can't be bothered to fix her rn.