#because im just like this now i guess grad school has ruined me

[creacherkeeper]

i think someone should do a linguistics study of "ass" as synecdoche but specifically "ass" as in something or someone that embodies a concept like "acts of service ass" as someone who embodies the acts of service love language or another example from my recent messages "gargoyle ass" because my friends cat looks like a gargoyle. is this anything. linguists please get on this i need you

[doctormage]

hi i just need to be really dramatic and long winded bc if i dont get it Out im going to fucking explode

ive actually been trying really hard this semester with my thesis and its REALLY fucking difficult for me. my depression makes me catatonic and unable to complete simple tasks or be motivated to do literally anything; my anxiety paralyzes me at the slightest unexpected change and then obsess over whether everyone in my life hates me because of my anxiety; my sleep schedule is constantly fucked and my doctor is unhelpful; my bdd will sidetrack me from my work and responsibilities for literal hours or days, and sometimes if its feeling spicy send me on a full scale fucking breakdown; and my adhd makes all this shit worse on TOP of all the NORMAL adhd shit. like thats just!!! my life!!!! at all times!!!!! and there have been several times where i have genuinely considered leaving this program or not continuing school after bc i was so fucking overwhelmed and exhausted and scared but i didnt!!! like i make a lot of jokes about procrastinating and wasting my time and doing the least and whatever but in reality its really fucking difficult for me even when im medicated!!! but i dont like admitting that bc of all my exhausting childhood baggage and shit but that is not the point of this rant so anyway

this semester i made a specific effort to try and be a better student even tho all of this stuff has been exacerbated by grad school. i felt i owed it to my director and one of my committee members because theyve been so fucking helpful and put their faith in me and took a lot of their time to help me. i wanted to show them i was worthy of it and capable of being a good student who does all the shit she’s supposed to do, does it well, and does it on time. i overloaded my fall semester and nearly lost my goddamn mind JUST to have a lighter class load this semester so i could focus most of my time on my thesis (like for real that was actually incredibly stupid of me. i lost almost 30 pounds from september to december without conscious effort just because i was so fucking stressed. not a brag and actually kind of concerning bc that has LITERALLY never happened to me). it has been like....significantly taxing, but i wanted to show them how much i appreciate their time and effort and help by being responsible and respectful. my Trying Hard is a lot of people’s Barely Doing Their Best and i know that. turning something in 2 hours early is below average for some but for me, literally anything more than 30 minutes before its due is an actual goddamn miracle. but i wanted to work hard and do things right for my committee members because they deserve it

this christmas my parents asked what i wanted and the ONLY thing i asked for was help with my library dues. last year from like march to october i was significantly depressed and entirely out of my head, and i racked up some pretty bad overdue fees. i didnt even ask them to pay all of it, just some of it. less than $100. im really truly grateful for the gifts they DID get me, but i didnt ask for them for any of it, and my overdue fees were left alone. i was under the impression that they got paid and, like a fucking idiot, i didnt check up on it to confirm. ive been so hell deep in my thesis and teaching and grading and applying to phd programs and looking for apartments and shit that it really just slipped my fucking mind!!! crazy!!!!

today i was in crisis bc i thought i fucked up with scheduling my defense/exam/whatever the fuck. im going to call it defense and i dont give a shit bc everyone calls it some other shit and i dont CARE. anyway i really thought i fucked up but i went and talked it out with my director and it was all sorted out. i’ve gotten like 50% of her feedback on my thesis draft, which i’ve incorporated, and im waiting on comments from another reader (the other helpful person on my committee). we have to run some dumbass software before scheduling, so i ran it today and tried to schedule it but couldnt bc theres a hold on my account. i went on a fucking....ALMIGHTY QUEST to figure it out and i finally discovered that guess what!!!!!!! its my GODDAMN LIBRARY OVERDUE FEES!!!!!! THAT I THOUGHT WERE PAID!!!!!!! i had to pay them myself which is fine idc but it takes several days to process. this fucks up my life on SEVERAL levels

for one, its fucking impossible to get a hold of my third committee member. she is a vapor in the wind. shes like super busy and thats all good and well but the point is theres like zero communication there. i finally got confirmation on a defense date from all 3 members and had been literally planning MY ENTIRE LIFE around this date. after todays first scheduling crisis i was so happy i was still on track, but now this? now i have to wait 3-4 days before i can even SCHEDULE the defense. the super delightful part is that we have to schedule a minimum of 2 weeks in advance. so now i cant schedule my defense until tuesday at the absolute earliest, but that ALSO bumps my defense date several days ahead. i have no fucking clue if my committee is going to agree on another day that works for everyone bc theyre all busy as shit and we’d been working toward the original date for weeks if not months, and im so fucking upset because this is exactly what i DIDNT want to have happen. i havent tried to email them yet because im hoping beyond fucking hope i can call somebody at the university tomorrow and see if the hold is something else besides the fee, but it makes me sick to think of having to be like “oh sorry i know i constantly fuck up everything ever and im a piece of shit but can we change this date we’ve had set since january because i was an extra shitty piece of shit this time??” like OHHH MY GODDDDD

and the thing thats really fucking with me is that like, yes its my fault but this one time its not ENTIRELY 100% my fault. i asked for a favor and had the understanding that it was taken care of. yes the fees were my doing and yes i shouldve checked but oh my fucking god. i feel like all the effort ive put into being a better student this semester has been for fucking nothing because im going to have to email my committee asking for a different date and ruin all their fucking lives and theyll be so disappointed in me. i have like legitimately been crying on and off about it since like 4:30 today

it so shitty in and of itself but i especially dont want to do this to my director bc she is legitimately the reason im finishing this program AND that im going to a phd program. a year ago i’d barely spoken 20 words to her but she still agreed to be a reader on my committee just because she heard me explain my thesis for all of 30 seconds and decided to give it a try. she literally had not read a song of ice and fire at the time and she started reading them for me to help me with my thesis. in the fall when my original director basically threatened to leave my committee if i didnt change all my ideas, my current director stepped in and helped me and talked me through it and then offered to take her place even though my research is BARELY distantly related to hers. through all of this she’s been so insanely patient with me, super encouraging of my ideas both in this project and in others, helped me decide whether it was right for me to get my phd immediately after my masters, proofed and edited and helped me with ALL my phd application materials, and STILL is in the process of reading these goddamn books just to be a better director. i have lost my head so many times and shes always been there to help me figure my shit out, and i wanted to have it figured out for once. how stupid of me

like bumping the date isnt the end of the whole world but its really not just about the fact that i have to reschedule. i was trying real goddamn hard to be a better student this semester and i REALLY fucking owed it to my director and other reader, but especially director, and i still managed to fuck up this bad. i feel like such a DISAPPOINTMENT and it just will not leave my brain bc im so mad at myself. i tried watching shows and youtube compilations about game of thrones and shit but now my bf is asleep and im alone and its all i can think about. im so fucking tired of being the person i am honestly and i dont mean that in an edgy way its just like jesus christ i wish there was less shit wrong with me. i wish i had any kind of willpower or discipline so i couldve learned these skills and been a better student from the start. i wish i wasnt a giant piece of shit!!!!! 

and now im going to be up late being anxious about all this which means that i will, once again, wake up late but also still be really exhausted, which means i’ll do a shitty job teaching and get overwhelmed by everything and who the fuck knows what fun bullshittery will ensue because of it. i am so fucking tired of me and my fuckery and the fact that it fucks with other people even why i try so hard for it not to. tired!!!!!!!! fucking tired

[deeeelightfuldee]

surveyss 005.

When’s the last time you ran?  Last week. blegh. Do your jeans have rips, tears, and holes in them? some of them do, some of them don’t... just depends on my mood. What are you dreading right now? this grad school drama.. it makes me physically ill to think about. Do you celebrate 420? Nope. Definitely not anything im interested in.

Do you get the full 8 hours of sleep at night?  Consecutively? no. Sporadically? No.

If anyone came to your house on your “lazy day” what would ya’ll do? probably order food, watch bobs burgers, do surveys, play board games, etc. Who last grabbed your ass? Oof... either a former coworker or my last boyfriend. Eerrr, actually I think it might have been a guy I was dating briefly. Have you ever been on your school’s track team? Uh, sure. I was homeschooled so I guess if I was running in highschool then I was the track team. Do you own a pair of converse? I don’t have any, no. Do you eat raw cookie dough? oh heck yea. Have you ever kicked a vending machine?  I don’t think I kicked it, but I definitely shook and smacked the one at work. It would always get stuck. Don’t you hate it when radios ruin good songs by playing them over and over? Nah, I don’t listen to the radio a lot, so it doesn’t bother me much. Do you watch Trading Spaces? Back in the day I used to. Is it still on? Man that show used to make me so angry how people could do their neighbors so dirty. How do you eat oreos? Either dunk in milk or eat as many of the chocolate bits first and then save an enormous amount of the creamy goodness to eat at one time. Have you ever stayed online for a long time waiting for someone? AHHHHHHHH yes. Then it turned into staying awake to see if someone would message me. No more of that. Are you cocky? Nope. I can be confident about things, but not cocky. Could you live without a computer? Not at the moment, that wouldn’t be feasible with school. Do you wear your shoes in the house? Sometimes, yeah Who or what sleeps with you? Pillows. Occasionally benny. At what age did you find out that Santa wasn’t real? So, I never stood a chance because my siblings are all older than I am and definitely ruined that for me. Which is so sad because my neighbor used to dress up as Santa and his son would be an elf and they’d come over with gifts and I was like 5 years old and said “you know my siblings ruined this for me, right?” How many phones are in your house, that includes cell phones? Oooof.. umm three. I forgot we got rid of our landline. What do you do when you’re sad? I either stay in my room or I go for a really long drive to places I’ve never been and I don’t bother to keep a map up. Do you know anyone born in the year 1985? Yes Who would you call first if you won the lottery? My mom. I don’t know who else hahah Last time you saw your best friend?  I saw my besties today. Are you in high school? I am not What jewelry are you wearing? I have a necklace on still. Is anyone on your bad side now? Yes. It doesn’t happen often that I get this way, but I’m just so tired of being treated as garbage  When did reality become tv? Whatever happened to sitcoms, game shows  What’s the first thing you do when you get online? usually check emails or open up something fun. When I’m in school it is all business. Do you watch Grey’s Anatomy? I used to love watching it. How do you most people spell your name? Some people spell it correctly, though some people add two n’s or swap an A for an E. I think some people do it on purpose. Would you wear a boy/girlfriends clothes? If it fit, yah. But historically the guys I have dated are muscular but slim.  What are you doing tomorrow? Putting together the pool and patio, sorting out retirement info for mom, planning 4th of july plans, planning birthday plans, meal planning. 

Where do you draw the line? Depends on what the situation is. I typically have pretty high self-respect, so if I am encountering a situation that is disrespectful towards myself, then I am normally out. The exception to that rule has been for someone I genuinely love and care about. Finding that line has been unclear. I think I found the line now that it’s becoming a safety concern. Favorite name for a girl? Violet, Eleanor, Faye.  Favorite boy name? I love soooo many. Jack Montgomery, Theodore (Theo) Graham, etc. Will you keep your last name when you get married? Doubt it. I am okay with letting this one go.  When was the last time you left your house?  I left the house today.  Do you return your cart? HECK YES.  Do you have a dishwasher? I do. Thank gooooooooooodness.  What noise do you hear? Well, I have four separate fans running, so that’s a large amount of the noise. I also have Bob’s Burgers playing in the background because that’s my happy place. Also, my phone is going off like crazy. Would you survive in prison? Probably not. Guilt would get to me for whatever got me there in the first place. I’m not an aggressive person and I know you have to be in order to make it. Who is the youngest in the family? you’re talkin’ to her Road trip! Who would most likely overpack? Most likely me. Do you know anyone with the same name as you? I used to work with a lady who had my name. She was notttttt my cup of tea.  What’s the last thing you purchased?  food.  Do your siblings ever pay for stuff for you? Yeah, my sister notoriously tries to pay for me. My brothers not AS frequently, but my older brother will occasionally offer to buy food for me. My other brother is pretty skint. What brand are your pants right now? No pants. But my bottoms are black What brand is your digital camera? I wish I remembered.... kind of.  Do you own expensive perfume/cologne? One or two.  Do you watch movies with your parents? never my dad. Occasionally mom.  Ever been to Georgia (the state)? Yup! Planning to go again soon.  What irritates you the most? either being taken for granted, or lack of concern for safety.  Are you taking college classes right now? Graduated! I am ready to re-enroll haha.  Do you like sushi? I really, really, really do not.  Do you get your hair cut every month? Ok, sadly I have not gotten my hair cut in probably... 7 years?  Do you go online everyday? yes.