#because im gonna ovERTHINK MYSELF TO DEAth

[vpalmersfootballgloves]

yellowjackets 205 thoughts

unlike javi, i dont know how to keep my thoughts to myself. spoilers below

first and foremost, HAPPY LESBIAN INDEPENDENCE DAY.

THE GAY ASS VHS STORE, THE DOUGHNUT SPRINKLES ALL OVER THE COUNTER, THE SKATEBOARD, THE IGNORED DUES, VAN BEING OFFICIAL GAY MENTOR OF OHIO. adult van cold open, i used to pray for you.

HAPPY WIFE HAPPY LIFE. taivan lives for another day!!!!! when they interlocked their fingers together, i whooped so loud my building collapsed

tai forever down bad and fucking whipped for van? just like me fr

the boob pen backstory?? TAIVAN SHENANIGANS AT SHAUNA'S WEDDING??? IM SERIOUSLY CONSIDERING FINANCIALLY BACKING AO3 USERS TO WRITE THIS PLOT RN....

tai being concerned over van's health..... tai admitting she's afraid she'll hurt van... van visibly hurting from tai admitting she loves her and moving past the hurt to be unbiasedly present for someone she cares so deeply for

tai in van's clothes !!!! tai sleeping on van's couch!!!! tai watching tv with van!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"maybe you don't have to be dying to have regrets" on god taissa, you have a dead dog, a sleeping problem, a wife in the icu and a child probably in child protection services. like i understand you its van but on god bestie you need help.

van cute as HELL for arguing with POP CULTURE REFERENCES.

fugue tai kissing van and van not backing off - she's down horrendous too i fear

side note jasmin looked so fucking good in this episode. god. like GOD.

and now the rest of the episode

never gonna get the mari hate, she's on a mission to be a Bitch to Everyone and it's funny as fuck TO ME!!!

akilah's determination to live and all the ways she's trying to preserve her humanity (caring for a mouse, studying for the SATs) is going to make her death hurt so much.

randy goofy as hell trying to pass off hand lotion as semen. shauna goofier than him for not checking. MUST MISTY BE THE ONLY INSANE OVERTHINKER AROUND TO COVER UP EVERYONES CRIMES IN NEW JERSEY????

pedo cop broke the weirdo-meter when he breached every law of the land and law of decency when he entered without a warrant and sniffed someone's potentially used condom

once again, i hope the milf avengers (or at least shauna) kill pedo cop. like hands shaking, skin peeling and everything.

jeff showing clear displeasure over the inappropriateness of his teen daughter being manipulated by a Grown Adult in a Position of Power rather than the risk of shauna being caught.... dad of the Fucking Year. this is a jeff sadecki defense household.

also shauna only asking callie about the cop's age after jeff's display of concern is actually very concerning...

callie being so happy she pleased shauna... can everyone with mommy issues please stand up?

fuck travis. nobody treats nat like that

javi only speaking to coach ben because he didnt participate in the jackie fruit festival... the gay ally i didnt expect

personally, i believe that fugue tai is a prominent candidate for antler queen and unless jackie can summon both snowstorms and physical form, fugue tai is javi's friend.

RIP KRISTEN YOU WOULD'VE LOVED HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL. IM SO SORRY YOU DIED IN A CESSPOOL OF EVERYONE'S SHIT.

the lottiemistynat love triangle continues. natalie fucking ace for bagging two women who would do anything for her.

[queerian]

today’s gay little pieces of personal wisdom

- taking a little walk in the middle of my work day to enjoy the sunshine and fresh air instead of waiting til i’m off the clock and going when it’s already getting dark…. feels VERY good (this is less necessary in summer when evening walks are more pleasant because they’re less hot)

- if you struggle with interoception and alexithymia and generally tend to only/mostly become aware of sensations in your body if they’re negative, it’s a good idea to cultivate a practice of giving your body things that feel good and noticing those very deliberately. (see above for the benefits of nice little walks.) this helps train your brain to remember that not all physical sensations require a threat response. i have come to this conclusion after realizing that i interpret ANY sensation i notice that is different from my norm as a potential threat, and this sends my conscious and unconscious regulation systems into threat assessment mode. for example i wake up with a little sore throat. maybe i mouth breathed too much and my bedroom needs a humidifier so my throat is dry. but my brain always goes for “you’re getting sick YOURE GETTING COVID YOURE GONNA DIE” threat escalation. over the years i’ve done a lot of work to interrupt or mitigate this tendency to escalate but i am not always great at it.

in addition to introducing pleasure, it’s also a good idea to cultivate a habit of mindfully noticing neutral body sensations and noticing that they are neutral. like the weight of your arm against your leg or the itch of a stray hair before you brush away (yes mindfulness can feel like death to some people with sensory processing and attention regulation difficulties, myself included, but it kind of really is a good way to neutralize the feeling of anything i notice is automatically bad.)

- thinking about things really really hard is not a substitute for actually doing things. i’m a pathological overthinker and i’m typically pretty apprehensive about Doing Things in general, the whole idea of it, because What If It Goes Bad. well now that i’m Doing Things a little more often than never, i both get to enjoy the benefits of whatever Things im Doing and also collecting data to convince the little spreadsheet gremlins in my brain that actually, things are generally Fine and sometimes even Good

[yjhgvf]

Actual question, why does everyone hate humdinger so much???

I mean like i know hes supposed to be disliked but like hes a villian, hes gonna be a jerk 90% of the time!!

Also i kinda hate the whole man child thing the writers made him into, because hes more autistic coded, and like i love me some autistic characters, but its very weird that hes supposedly intended to be a man-child??

Like he has sensory issues (watery textures like mud, water etc.)

He stims mutiple times in the show (tippy toes and clapping, ex. The christmas ep and multiple mighty pups ep i think!) and he also stims in the movie (seeing the fireworks and the whole subway loop thing)

He probably has some kind of special interest in cats given that he REALLY REALLY loves cats!

And clumsiness is also something autistic people have! I myself do!

But idk, maybe i just like him so much im self projecting and overthinking!

As an autistic person, I can definitely relate to some of his qualities such as the special interest and stims. I just generally don't like his attitude. But yeah, that's going to exist bc he's a villain. I don't know why some people are so extreme in their hatred, but for me personally it's a moderate dislike.

In fact, in the whole "Troublemakers adopt Harold" era, I had to delete quite a few asks that gruesomely wished death on him for... wanting a family member to keep in contact. People are weird as hell if I ever do more crack found family, Humdinger disliking is getting toned tf down bc that shit was extreme af for no reason.

You're allowed to like him, and if anyone has a problem with it, fuck them.

[dgaftilwedie]

sorry guys im YAPPING again................. literally making a new tag for this i love doing surveys

yeah kinda i mean i struggle with derealization so half the time nothing feels real

like 4.5 maybe???

i actually have no idea

SCOOPS!!!!!!!!

cherry blossom :3

"damn i need to shower"

my rite here rite now merch :33 hehheheeh

bi, n i don't really identify with any gender?? idk nothing feels ME my gender is just unlabeled because 1) i don't know and 2) i don't really care yknow??

dark :3

watchinf a loz randomizer video with one of my brothers

18 has been pretty cool so far

one of my brothers (the loz brother)

you........... (i don't have one)

my family laptop just has like the default

Hot Bio Teacher

laude by gaerea

idk .......... whoever it js is NOT gonna be matt groening, that's fo sho

the person who taste tested the chili cheese fries flavored pringles and decided they tasted fine. they tasted like a tuna melt in the worst way possible. they had so much potential.

man idk 😭

my boobs (sorry) (kinda) (not really)

i would probably look like my dad 😭 and i've had this very specific kinda weird fantasy where if i ever woke up with a dick, i would fuck a mcchicken. it came to me in a dream. and it's so far out there. i don't know why.

i was a cheerleader once does that count

CANNED FUCKING PEAS

grinder roll. cold cut with provolone cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, and onions. mayonnaise on the top. throw it in the oven. favorite sandwich ever.

im gonna save it to add it to my tattoo fund :3

LA, HERE I COME

those fucking hard mountain dews bro that's right up my alley

no one can come to the island except for me and whoever i choose bc it's gonna become a sanctuary for the local wildlife :3

i dontrknow what that means :3

Unpleasant Question that i do not know how to answer

Next Question Please

im moving to ny wildlife sanctuary from question 28

MY UNCLE DAVE DUDE i miss him so much. maybe i could get death to bring back my rat too.......... a little two for one deal in exchange a feally good sandeicj or something

guhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh idk

oh fer sure

yeah :(

yeah :3

i am NOT wearing socks

i like a lot of different kinds of music i will listen to pretty much anything as long as it sounds nice

sunsets :3 sunrises are kinda underwhelming most of the time

chocolate?????? maybe?????? i don't have milkshakes often

the jaguars 💪💪 (they're my dad's team)

i am COVERED

i graduated a month ago and as of rn............. i am freeloading (my parents do not care) (i love my parents)

i truly hate how i am constantly overthinking. i feel so unlikable and i tire myself out by being the way i am. i wish i was NORMAL i wish my brain worked like a normal person's brain instead of being so hyperactive and stupid

i would hope so

"are you still lame??"

kinda..........

lizard + bird......... then we'd have dragons

i've had way too many weird conversations i dontrknow what the weirdest one is

yeah :3 it's not something i like to brag about bc i had to learn gow to lie out of necessity

if im around people, i don't think i'd last 5 minutes. if im by myself i'd last forever.

the 2021 pixie cut

yeah :3

i can do a lot of accents im working on my irish one rn

i dislike toast i will only eat it if it's toasted in bacon greese and dipped in egg yolk

no bucks :3 they're an awesome currency that is worth zero dollars to you and all of your disappoint to me!!!!!!!!!!

SIX SPEED HOT PINK JEEP WRANGLER

i do a LOT of shit in the shower my imagination is most active then i talk to myself a lot

yeah :3 i hope they're cool aliens

nawwww not usually. i only read it if i get my hands on the newspaper

now that i think about it........... w is a really nice letter

DINOSAURS i can't believe that they were fucking real i wish we could bring them back......... i've always fantasized about having a pet ankylosaurus

cutie patooties :33 little creatures........ they're so tiny and so adorable i love them so much

survey 10💛

length: long

----------

1. Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you?

2. On a scale of 1-5, how afraid of the dark are you?

3. The person you would never want to meet?

4. What is your favorite word?

5. If you were a type of tree, what would you be?

6. When you looked in the mirror this morning what was the first thing you thought?

7. What shirt are you wearing?

8. What do you label yourself as?

9. Bright room or dark room?

10. What were you doing at midnight last night?

11. Favorite age you’ve been so far?

12. Who told you they loved you last?

13. Your worst enemy?

14. What is your current desktop picture?

15. Do you like someone?

16. The last song you listened to?

17. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?

18. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?

19. If anyone could be your slave for a day, who would it be and what would they have to do?

20. What is your best physical attribute? (showing said attribute is optional)

21. If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you look like and what would you do?

22. Do you have a secret talent? If yes, what is it?

23. What is one unique thing you’re afraid of?

24. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your disposal.

25. You just found $100! How are you going to spend it?

26. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately. Where are you going to go?

27. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. “Be brand-specific” it says. Man! What are you gonna say about that? Even if you don’t drink booze there’s something you can figure out… so what’s it gonna be?

28. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?

29. What is your favorite expletive?

30. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the one thing you’re going to save from that blazing inferno?

31. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

32. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world!

33. The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?

34. What was your last dream about?

35. Are you a good… [insert anything you’d like here]?

36. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital?

37. Have you ever built a snowman?

38. What is the color of your socks?

39. What type of music do you like?

40. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets?

41. What is your favorite milkshake flavor?

42. What football team do you support? (I will answer in terms of American football as well as soccer)

43. Do you have any scars?

44. What do you want to be when you graduate?

45. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

46. Are you reliable?

47. If you could ask your future self one question, what would it be?

48. Do you hold grudges?

49. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create?

50. What is the most unusual conversation you’ve ever had?

51. Are you a good liar?

52. How long could you go without talking?

53. What has been you worst haircut/style?

54. Have you ever baked your own cake?

55. Can you do any accents other than your own?

56. What do you like on your toast?

57. What is the last thing you drew a picture of?

58. What would be you dream car?

59. Do you sing in the shower? Or do anything unusual in the shower? Explain.

60. Do you believe in aliens?

61. Do you often read your horoscope?

62. What is your favorite letter of the alphabet?

63. Which is cooler: dinosaurs or dragons?

64. What do you think about babies?

[nostomannia]

We are mutuals, and to be frank I am not smart either, this is taken from another source and is by no means a riddle -FC

Me squinting hard at the ppl i follow

[inkytsuki]

Okay so I've been feeling like. Irritated all day bc of that fucking doctors attitude and telling myself that I'm overthinking it but I'm not. Empty clinic. I tried to go to a non emergency doc. They send me to ER. Empty ER doc patronizes me, cuts me off, treats me like a paranoid idiot that's wasting his time. Then continues to say that my concerns aren't valid bc of a CT scan of my skull he did. When. It's a CT. Like I'm sick of this shit. I've been dealing with a neurological disease since I was eleven. Why do doctors get mad when I understand how I should be treated with this condition? Optometry does the SAME shit around this garbage. Ignore my papillodema and tell me I'm fine. When my optic discs are dull as fuck with permanent pinched shapes and clear swelling. Like I HAVE BEEN TOLD THIS BY OPTHAMOLOGIST ON MULTIPLE OCCASIONS. I HAVE SEEN THE IMAGING. ITS BEEN EXPLAINED TO ME. Like I said to this doc at the end of the visit conversationally that I was concerned about my pituitary gland and he CUT me off midsentence to say it was fine bc he did a CT scan.

Okay??????? It was a scan that took 30 seconds. Your tech didn't even let me take my nose ring out chief but made me take my scrunchie out. Like dude never even looked at my legs. Or asked me to stand. Nothing. I am sick to death of this fucking town and its insurance scamming medical professionals.

I just kept talking to finish my sentence to say "BECAUSE my pituitary gland has been a concern by SPECIALISTS before." Like how fucking big does your ego have to be bro? I'm in there scared for my life and this dude is like "You're probably gonna be disappointed bc the results are going to come back fine" which they did but like bro....what the fuck is wrong with you???? Why are you treating me like this?

I'm having fainting episodes and have lost circulation in my legs and you're treating me like I'm looking for attention????? I don't want attention!!!!! I want help!!!! I am so TIRED of this LIKE HE KEPT TELLING ME TO GO AND SEE MY PSYCHIATRIST. AND I AM TELLING YOU ITS BECAUSE THAT HOSPITAL HAS RECORDS OF ME THERE ON A PSYCH WARD STAY 6 YEARS AGO WHEN I WAS IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP WITH A GASLIGHTING PIECE OF SHIT!!!! That hospital stay ruined my life and is the reason I was forced to take two mood stabilizers, two SSRIs, and an antipsychotic at the same time and had my records stained with a diagnosis of a personality disorder when I was literally being ABUSED and they left me alone in a room unsupervised with my ABUSER. which is why I fucking withdrew consent for treatment and left because he tried to have me put on involuntary after intentionally making me have THE ONLY meltdown I had while I was there.

My face is so fucking swollen my blood flow is all fucked up and I literally have not being this depressed in so long and it's because of these jackasses who make me feel like Im being extorted and mocked for the privilege of staying alive. Like I do not understand what the fuck these assholes go to school for if all they can do is say "ehhh not my job" and can only diagnose you as "lose some weight," "You're crazy," and "sounds like allergies." If I get seriously sick and nearly die i have a HUGE malpractice suit on my hands but I don't WANT that FUCKING CHRIST

[iamthedrunkgiraffe]

i have tik tok drafts that are literally too painful to watch because they are from a time which i was literally dying mentally and it’s like horrible to see myself in that state but also amazing bc then i compare them and it’s just insane how much i’ve glown up and progressed and kind of found and accepted myself, like my life is NOT PERFECT AT ALL, but i was definitely at rock bottom last year and it’s just really nice to see that i’m making it through yet another winter, but this time without the dead/psycho/disassociating look in my eyes. it doesn’t seem possible that someone could be all of those things at once but i definitely was and i feel like it was just physically rolling off of me. it’s also crazy to think how visible and noticeable the fact that i was literally falling apart was, and how it not only stemmed from the people around me, but that it was also ignored completely. like to me i see just a video or a picture of myself at that time and im shocked, but some people actually saw me and talked to me every day and didn’t even acknowledge my issues. it’s a really important aspect that i need to consider when i think about my old friends and miss them, that they didn’t really care about me. sometimes it really seems like they did, and they seem so fun to be around, and i miss them a lot, but i need to remember that when i was speaking about the issues in my life they were literally ignoring and talking over me. i just cannot emphasize enough the chaos and disgustingness of my mental state at that time, like i was truly rotting away. it was a huge fight every day at every moment. like i wasn’t just fighting to wake up, i was fighting with every second of the day, and every person in my life, including myself. i was high for almost every minute of it too cuz i was so miserable. everything that happened was so horrible and confusing. i was constantly confused. nothing made sense. i thought i was in actual hell multiple times. now i don’t know about how much of this was visible, but there was obviously a lot going on up in the old noggin. now, if my friends literally just didn’t notice, they did not care or give a fuck about me. if they literally were ignoring my 8 month long depressive/psychotic episode, they are literal shitbags for not caring enough to say something. either way, they are shitbags. they always have, and always will be, dirtbag scum for they say they acted about my mental issues. i’m not saying that they’re responsible because of their lack of involvement, but as my literal lifelong best friends, they should’ve AT LEAST FUCKING ACKNOWLEDGED IT. THEY REALLY SHOULDVE STAGED AN INTERVENTION OR GOT ME ADMITTED TBH. BUT THEY ACTED LIKE EVERYRHING WAS NORMAL AND PERFECTLY FUNE. I DO NOT MISS THEM. I DO NOT NEED TO MISS THEM. I SHOULD NOT ROMANTICIZE MY PAST RELATIONSHIPS, BECAUSE THERE WAS NOTHING GOOD ABOUT THEM. THEY ARE SHITBAGS, AND ARENT WORTHY OF ME OVERTHINKING ABOUT THEM. THEY SHOULDVE LOVED ME MORE AND TREATED ME BETTER THAN THEY DID. I KNOW THAT U DONT OWE ANYONE ANYTHING, BUT WHEN SOMEONE IS SUPPOSED TO BE YOUR BESTFRIEND, YOU DEFINITELY OWE THEM LOVE AND ATTENTION. I AM NOT BEING WHINY OR OVERDRAMATIC OR ANYTHING OF THAT MATTER FOR THINKING THESE THINGS OR BEING SAD ABOUT THEM, BECAUSE IT WAS A VERY SAD AND HORRIBLE STAGE IN MY LIFE FUCK YOU BRENNA LAMM. FUCK YOU KAYLEE NEUMANN. AND ESPECIALLY FUCK YOU TO ALIVIA FUCKING MISKOVIC YOU STUPID SACK OF SHIT. FUCK YOU TO BAILEY BARBER, YOU DESPICABLE DEMON BITCH. YOU DOG FACED SNOT RAG OF A SLUG OF A SORRY CUNT OF A SHIT STAIN OF A PERSON. THAT GOES FOR EVERY GODDAMN PERSON AT HAMILTON. I HOPE YOU ALL FUCKING CHOKE TO DEATH AND DIE YOU STUPID SCUM RAT BITCHES. I PRAY TO ALL THAT US HOLY THAT ONE DAY YOU WILL FEEL A FRACTION IF THE MISERY YOU CAUSED ME AND THE PERMANENT ISSUES YOU INFLICTED ON MY MENTAL HEALTH. GO SUCK ON SATANS COCK YOU SORRY FAGGOT BITFHES CUZ WHEN YOU DIE HES GONNA BE YOUR DADDY. BITCHASS CUM RAGS!!! god this is therapeutic to imagine spitting this shit in their faces. IM GONNA FUCK ALL OF UR MORHERS AND GET THEM TO FALL IN L

[mountain-man-headcanons]

The Scourges Caretaker

This takes place pre-game and has been on my mind for a while sorry if its rushed its late and I need to sleep. Enjoy!!

The scourge is escorted back to his chambers. Bloody, tired, hungry, and upset.

His opponent today was a middle aged man charged with theft assault and resisting arrest. He doesnt know all the details, but from what he knows the man stole food and money from a merchant in the market and they got into a verbal argument when he was caught. It escalated and they started to fight then were both apprehended. The man decided to try to run hit the guard and tried to make a run for it, but didn't make it far.

Muriel kept thinking why that man even did something like that. Was his family in danger? Did he need the money to pay off someone? Was he in need of it more than the merchant?

This always happened after a match he would wonder what happened with that person. He would wonder why that person had to be killed. Sometimes for petty crimes, for things that were serious, and crimes that don't warrant death most likely just for the counts entertainment.

By the time they get to his cell he is done overthinking everything and just feels heavy. Yeah he is a big man, but he feels like he has 5 weights tied to his ankles.

He sits in a corner in his cell while suffering in silence. Cuts and bruises feeling like he is being burned from all angles.

"Aww, Scourge don't be like that. Hey, I actually have someone for you to meet." The counts annoyingly snarky voice rings out over the silence.

Muriel just groans in response subconsciously thinking, 'Great, another person to be bothered with. Another person to judge me even if they don't look like they are.'

Cutting into his subconscious jeers he hears a kinder unknown voice, "Hi Mister Scourge, From now on ill be you caretaker, nurse, healer whatever you want to call it."

He looks up to see someone that doesn't seem to want to hurt him, but he still doesn't trust them. He has been betrayed before.

They slowly walk over noticing his slight fear and crouch down a bit so they don't look so menacing to him.

"Well ill be leaving you too alone. (Y/N) when you are done with him tell this guard to bring his food." The count says leaving a guard at the door then leaving.

"Okay its just us....do you want me to show you my things so you can trust me more?"

Muriel gives them an unknowing look, but nods to give them an okay.

They start to unpack their supplies. He scans them and sees somethings that can be used as weapons, but they are normal things that they would have so he is slightly more at ease.

"I should tell you what my job is with you because its gonna get kinda...personal if you get what I mean."

He might not talk to many people, but he gets what that is supposed to mean. He doesn't like it. He gives a knowing slightly disgusted look.

"I think you get what I'm going to say, but im going to explain anyway." They say while checking his wounds. "Okay so I'm going to be healing you after fights, making sure you eat, checking on you every night before I head home, and...um...uh....I have to bathe you."

That last one make him flinch kind of violently. His face gets really hot just at the thought.

"Okay compromise though i spent some money on a tub that you can fit in so you won't have to feel that uncomfortable. You can get undressed while I'm not looking. It doesn't come in until tomorrow though."

'They thought about me...well...that was nice of them. I guess they are trustworthy.'

They were together getting slightly closer everyday. Finding out they have a common friend in Asra. Telling each other things they wouldn't tell anyone. They even started to sneak food into his room because they didn't feed him right. They had a strong bond.

Then one day (Y/N) comes in looking pissed off and heated. Muriel notices the difference and asked whats wrong. He didn't have a match that week, so he felt well enough to get up and ask.

"Hey whats wrong....did something happen?"

They sigh and answer back, "Yes, something did happen. Asra happened."

He mentally rolls his eyes, but doesn't want to be rude so he asks, "What did they do?"

"They said I couldn't go and help the plague victims in the Lazeret. Yes, I know its dangerous, but I can handle it. He keeps trying to shelter me, but I can do things for myself."

He didn't know how to respond to that. Yes it is extremely dangerous, but they are a strong person with a kind heart. He's torn between telling them to go and telling them to stay.

But he does choose.

"Make sure you come back safe. Okay?"

They raise their head and look with a happy smile.

"I promise, but I will be gone for a while, so tonight ill teach you how to properly clean your wounds since I can't heal them myself."

They spent the night going over everything until the moment they had to leave him.

"Welp I guess thats everything." They say while grabbing their stuff and their extra bag they were taking with them.

Muriel stared at them with a sad look on his face. They noticed and went next to him grabbed his chin and made him look up at them.

"Hey don't worry about me okay I'll be fine I promise."

"Are you sure you will be back?"

"Come on you sound like Asra right now. Yes ill be okay."

They hold their arms out to hug him and he accepts the embrace hoping to hold onto them for a little while longer before they are gone possibly for good.

They stay like that for a about a minute before (Y/N) notices their shirt is a bit....wet.

'Is he crying...?'

Muriel didn't realize how much he loved their presence and how lonely his cell was until he finally has to go back to that quiet and melancholy feeling. He couldn't control it. All of these feelings were bottled up and it finally just came out.

They stroked his head to calm him feeling his hands and arms trembling slightly against their back.

Once he finally stopped he looked awful. His face was wet, his eyes were red, face was flushed, and his nose was running.

They were quiet for a while waiting for Muriel to clean his face. When he was done he asked once again.

"Please come back....I'll miss you."

"I swear I will."

They locked up thinking of him while they walked out.

Muriel stared at the tub they bought him when they first came and the promise they made together as he slowly went to sleep.

But not all promises are made to be kept.

[ithinkofnealcassady]

WAIT we just read the love song of j. alfred prufrock in class and now I’m desperate to know what you think of it

i literally waited to answer this until i had ample time because this ask.... means the world to me. yes.

first of all??? it opens with an excerpt from dante’s inferno in the OG italian so you know it has to be good. the constitution of overthinking as a hell at the end of which he cannot return from?? yeah. that's poetry.

“like a patient etherized upon a table.” i spent the longest five minutes of my life waxing poetic about this line in my poetry class last year. etherized. when you’re etherized you’re held down, you’re entirely out of power, the evening is at the whim of the universe, unmovable by its own strength, being tugged in every direction and shifted and cut into by the hands of the universe around it. yeah. 

“Streets that follow like a tedious argument / Of insidious intent / To lead you to an overwhelming question ... / Oh, do not ask, “What is it?” / Let us go and make our visit.“ overthinking 101. also, “streets that follow like a tedious argument” ???? YEAH. do not ask what is it. let us go and make our visit. as someone who desperately wants to be as impulsive as the world will let me, as stupidly impulsive as is humany possible but as someone who is also cripplingly afraid of everything,,,, yeah.

the entire next stanza personifiying the mist like a stupid little cat makes my heart warm. i love stupid little cats. i love the mist being a cat: nosing its business everywhere it shouldn’t, making a nuisance of itself, but curling around the house like a comfort at the end anyhow.

“And indeed there will be time” is maybe one of my favorite lines ever in general just because it is so applicable, but everything that follows it is also perfection: “there will be time / To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;” there will be TIME for all the things you rush to do now, for all these catastrophes you are preparing for. there will be TIME to breathe and “murder and create” and “time for you and time for me” in a way, it’s like the gentlest, sweetest “slow down” i’ve ever heard. 

the repeated “In the room the women come and go / Talking of Michelangelo.” is so amazing too: yes, you’re taking a moment, and things are still happening around you, yes, that’s true, but that doesn’t mean you can’t BREATHE! people will continue to discuss and discover and do around you but that doesn’t mean YOU don’t have TIME to do that TOO!

so he’s like,,, yeah we have time,, the whole beginning is just “there’s all this time” but at the same time he’s also like,,,, let’s. he’s just like “let’s.” the whole time it’s just yes i’m terrified and yes i feel so fucking rushed and panicked and confused because the world is weird and crooked but you’re here and we have this time so let’s. and i think that’s pretty funky and beautiful, mister eliot.

“Do I dare / Disturb the universe? / In a minute there is time / For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.“ i have nothing to add

“I have measured out my life with coffee spoons;” yeah. my neurotic kin. everything is careful and overthought and done to exact amounts. everything is RUSH HURRY NOW RUSH NOW EXACT HURRY PERFECT. and the little silent voice beneath this is just hedging on: he talks about his bald spot and people talking ABOUT his bald spot and he’s like “let’s.”

“When I am pinned and wriggling on the wall, / Then how should I begin“ the constant feeling of being scrutinized. the way this manifests in a fear, an unwillingness, to do anything at all. why would we do anything when we know we’ll be judged for it? butterfly pinned under a glass case. LET’S.

“I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker, / And I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and snicker, / And in short, I was afraid.” me too. me too me too. and the fact that, in the face of this, he’s still over here going LET’S?????? yeah. 

“To say: “I am Lazarus, come from the dead, / Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all”—“ to know all? to really know all and to tell it to yourself? to erase that constant worry? i think there’s a quiet bravery in the way he seems flabbergasted at the idea of telling all to himself, at the idea of correcting one’s life to be the way it “should.”

“No! I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be;” i know people say this is about status in life but that’s bullshit. eliot’s speaker is at least as neurotic as hamlet, though i shudder to compare any level of neuroticism to hamlet’s. this man is telling himself to stop thinking so much, so deeply, to stop catching on every stitch in the blanket and just notice the warmth for once. he’s saying to himself, LET’S, you and i. 

“one that will do... almost, at times, the Fool.” this whole thing? yeah he’s saying he’s wrong sometimes, stupid sometimes, a fool sometimes, but that’s because he’s human, and he shouldn’t overthink that. there’s some strange beauty in it.

“I grow old ... I grow old ... / I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.“ this was my instagram bio for months. a bisexual anthem. but also a way of saying “im tired (old) of overthinking, of micromanaging myself. im gonna roll my fucking trousers.”

“I do not think that they will sing to me.” this line always hits me like a bullet. the siren call wont call him. there’s nothing he finds himself pulled by. there’s nothing to want so much that a siren could drown him in the search for it. this is the hopelessness to counter every single bit of exhausted “LET’S-ing” he’s done throughout the rest of the poem. this is the moment you understand that it’s not a bit of hopefullness left in him at all making him feel like he should just Do. it’s a bit of nihilistic exhaustion. it’s “Let’s Do Before We Die Because Otherwise We Died For Nothing.”

“Till human voices wake us, and we drown.” this line, to me, is eliot’s persona talking about hearing the voices of the neuroticisms he’s voiced throughout the whole poem prior. it’s weighing the voices of himself, of man, over the voices of mystical sirens, the same way night can be etherized: the way he feels, the exhaustion he holds, is so heavy that it sucks the mystic powers out of everything that could possibly be mystical. nighttime can be made to bow down. sirens are less strong than insecurity. it’s the ocean, with its waters “white and black” that give life and death; it’s all or nothing. it’s that which calls to him (all or nothing, life or death) because he’d rather that than live the way he does: questioning and unsure and wavering.

anyway i read this poem as a discussion between the persona and himself rather than the persona thinking about a lover bc fuck romance but i just love the idea of the persona trying so hard to make himself feel living is worth it, and at the beginning you believe this “LET’S!!” energy he has but at the end you’re like “dude go see a fucking therapist.” 

[barnesandrogersfanfics]

Saving Grace - 12

"Are you sure your going to be okay? we don't have to go...." I said to Wanda as she walked out to the car with Bucky and I.

"Will you just go!" she laughed "how many times do I have to tell you, we will be fine! Besides any problems I'll just use my powers on them and put them straight to sleep" she shrugged making me look at her with wide eyes "I'm kidding!! god Y/N what do you take me for?"

"Okay doll, lets get on the road. Stop worrying they are in the safest hands possible and I'm sure Wanda will call us if she has any problems... right?" he looked at the red head with raised eyebrows "you will call us if you have any trouble?.... it wont take too long to get back if we have to"

"Will you both just go! your just as bad as her by the way Barnes..... now go before I use my powers on you"

"Okay, Okay! We're going" I rolled my eyes throwing my bag into the back of Bucky's car, Bucky walked over to throw his in next to mine and closed the trunk.

"You guys have fun, we all now this is long overdue" Wanda chuckled before turning around and heading back inside the compound.

"its a good job I love that woman I swear to god" I shook my head getting into the car, I could hear Bucky laughing as he climbed in behind the wheel.

"all set?" he asked looking over at me smiling.

"god yes! lets go".

2 hours later and Bucky was parking the car outside the cabin.

"wow! this place is beautiful doll" he said as we stood overlooking the lake, he wrapped his arms around me from behind resting his head on top of mine "we really get to spend two whole days here.....just the two us....alone??? this is like heaven"

"Wait until you see inside, its amazing Buck, needs a little updating in place but i like it. Did I mention there's a hot tub?"

"No!! I didn't bring my shorts though...."

I looked up at him and smiled "who said anything about swim wear?" I winked making him groan and bury his face against my neck.

"you are going to be the death of me doll and I've been through a lot in my life you know?"

"come on, let me show you the rest of this place" I grabbed his metal hand and pulled him towards the cabin.

"Can we just stay here forever?" Bucky asked as we stood at the sliding doors in the bedroom that looked out onto the lake and the hot tub on the decking.

"You'd really want to move out here?"

"Why wouldnt i? It so peaceful up here"

"It wouldn't be that peaceful for long with two kids here" i chuckled.

"That is true" he grinned pulling me into his arms "but i wouldn't mind" he leaned down and kissed me, really kissed me! The take your breath away, toe curling kinda kiss....I couldn't help the moan that escaped.

"You okay doll?" He teased making me roll my eyes at him.

"Im fine, that just kinda took my breath away a bit"

"How about we have something to eat and watch a movie for a while? Then I'm getting you in that hot tub"

"Sounds good to me" i chuckled suddenly feeling nervous. As much as i wanted to practically jump Bucky and have him fuck me six ways from Sunday, i was totally overthinking things now.

"Babe you okay? Your heart is racing..."

"Yeah Buck im good" i nodded quickly with a smile i really didnt want him to know how nervous i was about this. Id wanted him for so long and now i was freaking out!!

"Your a bad liar you know that" he smiled taking my hand and pulling me over towards the bed making me sit down with him "so you wanna tell me whats really going on in that head of yours?"

"Its all good i promise. Its just.... god Bucky i want you SO bad believe me but I'm so fucking nervous im starting to freak myself out!" i blurted out and felt myself blush keeping my eyes on the floor.

"Hey, look at me" he said softly placing his hand on my face and gently coaxing me to look at him "you dont think I'm nervous too?"

"You dont look nervous..."

"Im just good at hiding it" he smiled "I've wanted to be with you for so long doll, I'm terrified that I'm gonna be a disappointment"

"As if you'd ever be a disappointment"

"I might be, i mean its been ALONG time since I've been with a woman"

"When you say along time...."

"Before this" he said looking down at his metal arm and flexing his fingers.

"Wow" i said with wide eyes, i was surprised to hear this, id always just assumed that he would have been with women when he was in Bucharest or Wakanda, even after the snap when he was more himself. I mean look at the man!! his gorgeous, he must have been fighting the women off.

"Wow? What does that mean?" He laughed.

"Im just surprised is all. Look at you! You must have been fighting the dames off"

"Nope, ive only got one dame im interested in and no way am i gonna be fighting her off"

"Oh? do i know her?"

"Funny!" He laughed before diving on me and peppering me with kisses.

After some heavy making out like a couple of horny teenagers, we eventually made it out to kitchen where i cooked dinner while Bucky brought our bags in from the car. After we ate i called Wanda to check in on the kids just so i could relax and enjoy the rest of the night.

"Kids okay?" Bucky asked as i walked towards the sofa where he was sat waiting for me to join him and watch a movie.

"Yeah she said they've both been angels" i smiled "makes me feel better knowing everything's going good back home"

"Good.... come here beautiful" Bucky took my hand and pulled me down into his lap so that i was straddling his waist.

"I thought we were gonna watch a movie?"

"Yep.... we are"

"But i cant see the TV like this"

"You cant??.... huh thats too bad babe because my view is great" he smirked that sexy as fuck smirk as he looked me up and down, his hands on my waist tightened slightly and rocked me in his lap. I could feel how hard he already was through his sweats and moaned at the pressure against my clit.

"Ah fuck" he said under his breath but i heard it and it went straight to my cunt!

"Shit Bucky, your really trying to kill me here" i pushed harder against him and leant forward until our lips met in a heated kiss.

"I cant help it doll, you already feel so good and I'm not even inside you" he said as his hands trailed under my

t-shirt "can i take this off?" He asked one hand pulling at the shirt.

"Yeah...." i nodded nervously biting at my lip, before i had time to register the shirt was gone and Bucky's face was buried in my chest.

"Your so fucking beautiful..... i love you so much" Bucky said leaning back getting a good look at me sitting in his lap.

"I love you too baby, how'd i get so lucky with you huh?"

"Im the lucky one, have you seen you!?"

I laughed and shook my head, it seemed crazy to me still that Bucky thought these things about me.

"How about we skip the movie and head to bed? You've got me so worked up right now Buck I'm not gonna be able to concentrate on the movie at all!"

"I think that sounds like the best idea!" He beamed suddenly standing up with me in his lap still, the sudden movement made me lock my legs around his waist and laugh as he carried me to the bedroom.

Saving grace tags @jennmurawski13 @kenzieam

@captainchrisstan @s-t-r-i-k-e-us @lets--be-honest

@ms-betsy-fangirl @damnaged-princess

@farfromtommy @disneylovingal @lbuck121

@billweasleey @rynabarnesrogers

@heathens-takeitsl0w @lacontroller1991

@supervengerslock @barnesandrogersworld

@mariswritingforfun @perpetually-tuned-out

@thummbelina @marvelousstyles

@broco8 @ineffableg-irl @ilovesupersoldiers

@writeroutoftime @ek823 @Imjstaghoststory

@patzammit

[ikemenshakespeare]

Theo X MC

Prompt: When the two get chosen to work together for Arthur’s birthday, you know things are bound to go wrong. You two get in a disagreement and like clock work, WE HAVE A PROBLEM!

Authors Note: This is my May submission for one of my discord chats creativity contests! Proud of what I did since I haven’t written in a while. This is also my very first attempt at writing for IkeVamp and I’m still new to the game so be nice. I hope overall you enjoy my work! Thank you to all who support!

Word Count: 1,365

Comte gathered all the residents to the dining hall, all except Arthur of course. “In honor of Arthur’s birthday this year I’d like to host a dinner for him in the mansion, with all of us in attendance. It’s gonna take team work between everyone to keep it a surprise from him, so I’m gonna present you each with a task to help make all this work.” One by one he explained what each person would be responsible for, Until finally he got to the both of us. “And that leaves you two,” Theo and I made eye contact across the table. Neither one of us looked thrilled. “I want you both to work together to find Arthur a birthday cake. I thought since Theo is close to Arthur and MC is such a fan of sweets, it would be no problem figuring out something he might like.” Before I could even say a word, Theo was already speaking up.

“How is it that everyone else gets to do there task alone and yet you’re forcing me to work with hondje?”

“Im sure I just explained that a moment ago.” Theo was clearly still frustrated. Not wanting to argue his point any longer against Comte, he fell silent with a crease between his brow. “If no one has any further questions you can all get going, I’ll see you together again in a few days for the party.” Everyone else dispersed except Theo and I. I walked over to where Theo was sitting, he stared at me quizzically. I stood my ground as I spoke.

“Listen, I know you don’t wanna work with me on this just as much as I don’t wanna work with you. However, Arthur is both our friend and we have to do the best we can to make this a great day for him. So give me some ideas and I’ll go down to one of my favorite bakery’s in town to make an order. We won’t even have to meet up again till the day of the party to pick it up. Agreed?” He sighed in what sounded like defeat.

“Doesn’t seem like we have much of a choice, so agreed.” All to quickly the week had come and gone, and the day of the dinner arrived...

The streets of town were undeniably busy and the box for the cake was quite large, I could hardly see over the top while I carried it. Theo stood beside me, asking me way to many questions. “So did you settle on a regular strawberry cake or something else?”

“Something else.”

“And What would that be?”

“Tiramisu, it’s an Italian desert made with coffee. They sell it here so I figured we’d try it, besides Arthur will probably like it more then any other regular dessert here.”

“I can’t remember that being one of the options I told you about.” Not wanting to go back and fourth any further with him I was relieved to see the carriage just a few feet ahead.

“Oh thank goodness!” I rushed over and to my surprise Theo opened the door for me. I stared at him thoughtfully. “Well I certainly wasn’t expecting that.” I laughed. “Knowing you I thought you’d make me struggle to open it for myself.”

“Shut it, hondje.” Just as I was trying to pull myself up into the carriage he stopped me. “I think I’m gonna take the cake home, I wouldn’t want you ruining it on the way there, you’re to clumsy.” He tried grabbing it from my hands but I held onto it firmly as possible, given the circumstance.

“I’ll be fine, I wanna hold it a certain way to be sure we don’t bump it on the ride home.”

“Honestly, don’t be so stubborn.” He rolled his eyes and began to pull the cake out of my grip.

“Theo! I said I wanna hold it. How come you’ll never let me do these things for myself?” I pulled back and gave him a look. In return a look of irritation flashed on his own face.

“Won’t you just let me help you!” He pulled back on the cake for the last time. Because it all went flying to the ground. We both gawked at it while all the other people nearby in the streets did the same to us. Anger swelled up in me.

“Do you see what you just did?? Now we lost the cake because you just couldn’t let me do one simple thing!” I couldn’t handle the embarrassment before I rushed myself into the carriage and hid my face in the palm of my hands. Slowly Theo followed in and the carriage left at a brisk pace. Quite a while went by, but neither of us said a word until we were about to pull up to our destination.

“What are we going to do?”

“WE aren’t going to do anything. I’ll just have to make a cake by scratch in the kitchen. I still have time so it should ready to go by dinner.” I stormed out and off to handle business. The strangest thing began to happen though when I got up there. Halfway through making the cake my eyes began to sting and my mind began to take a detour reviewing all the things that happened earlier this morning. I sniffed and one single tear began to form in the corner of my eye, I continued to mix the bowl. Theo really wasted all the money we put into buying Arthur that nice cake... I paused and guilt began to flood through me more then before. Who am I kidding?? Really it was my fault, I just couldn’t stop being so controlling when I shouldn’t have been. It wasn’t even Theo’s fault. As much as I don’t wanna admit it he was only trying to help and I pushed him away. Why am I such an idiot! Overthinking would be the death of me, but I had a feeling it was nesscary in this case. I dropped the mixing spoon and put my hands down firmly on the counter top, trying to find my resolve. I’ll just go apologize first. To my surprise I went to turn around and in the door way stood the very person I was just thinking about. “Uh Theo... I-” I hardly noticed that the tears I was holding in had barely slipped out, leave two wet marks going down my cheeks. I brushed them away quickly and tried to go on.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have been so aggressive with you back there. If it wasn’t for me you wouldn’t be stuck doing extra work.”

“N-no!” My outburst made his eyes go wide. “It was my fault, I was being way to controlling and you had a right to be apart of this to. Arthur was your friend first after all.” He looked down at the ground and when he looked back up he had a funny kind of smirk on his face.

“You know, we don’t always have to go back and fourth about everything.” He walked up and got so closed to my face. I wasn’t sure if I felt uncomfortable because of his close distance, or bashful because it was him. I felt a small blush reach my cheeks.

“Theo, what I’m trying to say is I apologize too. I really was wrong.” Then he did something I never would have thought. He grabbed my face and wiped at the tear I must have missed. Then he stepped back.

“Well come on now, don’t be a lazy hondje! We have work to do.” Then Theo resumed making the cake where I left off. A certain feeling crept into my chest and I wasn’t sure if I liked that or not.

“H-hey! That was my job!”

“Find another one.” Weird, I couldn’t help but smile to myself. I guess some things will never change between us two.

[asbcblog]

TOP SONGS OF 2020 WRITE UP!

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6WDeuRMOV8neAhU2zd193d?si=lZ9gDIp0TsCCEOeCS7_QGw

1. I remember everything - John Prine

I was going to write an incredibly earnest and long review of this song that outlined just how much John Prine meant to me. I can’t really do it and I think this song probably says enough alone. With only a few chords he always manages to express all the little things that make love what it is, all different kinds of love. Long lasting, short moments, love with places, sounds, going places and staying home, endless family ties, and the often fragile but in the end tenable love between all human beings in the face of catastrophe. The pandemic stole a lot of things from a lot of people this year, including John Prine, but he will remain one of the greatest songwriters of all time and his songs will live on forever.

2. Dream Palette - Yves Tumor

I can’t drive but let’s pretend I’m driving, I’m in LA and it’s night time or something, my elbow’s out the window, don’t know why I’m wearing sunglasses, this song comes on the radio, I’m the coolest person alive.

3. Boylife in EU- Yung Lean

Not to repeat my review of Garden but when the chorus comes I feel like I’m on top of a really big hill and its pouring it down with rain and im screaming but this time its because of a no-deal Brexit.

4. Garden- Joseph Futak

My review was already used as part of Joe’s promo campaign and it said: “feel like im on top of a really big hill and its pouring it down with rain and I’m screaming when the drums come in x x”

5. Circle the Drain- Soccer Mommy

I like this song because I too, am often alone in my room, and I have also become obsessed with subtle breakbeats to an extent where people around me have become very bored of the subject.

6. The Brothers William Said- The Innocence Mission

I listened to this song over and over when I was travelling round London in January just after my birthday, it felt like I’d been listening to it for years, like it was in a movie I’d forgotten. It felt at the time like I was saying a lot of goodbyes, recognising that things weren’t really like they used to be.

7. On the Floor- Perfume Genius

Say it with me ladies: I CROSS OUT HIS NAME ON THE PAGE!!!!

8. Shameika- Fiona Apple

She may not believe it but I bet Fiona Apple looked tough with a riding crop.

9. Song for Our Daughter- Laura Marling

Everything about this is fantastic, mellow and bright at the same time. Every part is brought forward individually and no part of this song gets left behind. A stunning vocal from Laura Marling and purposeful lyrics set to a cinematically emotive instrumental. Pure magic as always.

10. Building site outside- Piglet

Not going to lie, I was in a very vulnerable emotional state when I listened to this song for the first time, but I think that makes it no less powerful and just, sad. The lyric ‘she smiled at me so much last time’ is just so simple and devastating that you forget this would’ve been on every indie film soundtrack from 2000-2008 if Piglet was an industry plant.  

11. I wonder- Shamir

One word: EPIC

12. Crimson Tide- Destroyer

Listened to this every time I came on my period this year.

13. In the Dining Room - Joe Pera talks with you

Adam showed me Joe Pera when I really felt incredibly sad at the very beginning of this year. It’s a show that’s made me feel good, no matter the circumstances. This moment in the show made me smile, and I love hearing Gene come in a bit too early.

14. Stupid Love- Lady Gaga

Shakin my little booty in the kitchen to this x

15. Might bang, might not- Little Simz

Livid we didn’t all get to go to End of the Road and see all the hot dad’s loving Little Simz.

16. Fire- Waxahatchee

A truly insane vocal. I listened to this song on my way to work almost every day from September to December and fantasised singing back up at some kind of outdoor gig in the summer and it made everything significantly less bleak.

17. Hannah Sun- Lomelda

This song is too nice and genuine for me to say anything other than, “really lovely song :)”.

18. Scroll of Sorrow- Machine Girl, guayaba

Listened to this a lot this year while sitting on my kitchen floor staring into an empty oven, wondering if I was ever going to go to a party again.

19. Build a nest- Jeff and Ruby Parker

Have put this on in the flat because the guitar solo reminds me of everything my dad listens to at home. A really great piece of music that kicks off a really exciting album.

20. Kiss me thru the phone- That Kid

Ned said yesterday that he thought it was funny how much the original of this song is so foundational to hyper pop and I agree. Also I’ve started saying ‘Bitch’ like That Kid does every time I stub my toe.

21. Cuckoo- Sam Amidon

I am punting down a creek, looking in the branches that hang over the water for the bird that shall lead me to my next clue.

22. Places/ Plans- Skullcrusher

Used this song to comfort myself in moments where I also just don’t understand why I’m not famous.

23. Sweetjoy- Jam City

Finally….. HAIM for dudes.

24. Clean Living- Slow Weather

I saw someone listening to this on the side of my Spotify so I decided to give it a go and it was a fantastic decision. It’s mental that half of this song is an outro.

25. Summer All Over- Blake Mills

Along with the music video visuals and the dampened piano tone, this wins the competition for least summer-y song with the actual word summer in the title.

26. Ready Cheeky Pretty- CHAI

All of my joy this year has been brought to me by CHAI. I have nothing negative to say about CHAI. If you have anything negative to say about CHAI you’re gonna have to go through me.

27. Diaphanous- Land of Talk

This band was recommended to me by a guy I was trying to flirt with at rough trade east but everything closed before I could impress him by saying ‘I think they’re really cool’.

28. Anything - Adrianne Lenker

Anyone who has ever attempted to write a song with me knows how much I simply love rhyming. Seriously though, every thing rhymes, brilliant stuff. (It’s also such a brilliantly full and constant song that still manages to move and remain exciting from start to finish. I imagine this is partially due to Adrianne Lenker’s almost nursery rhyme- esque structure and also due to her beautifully colloquial approach to family dynamics.)

29. Blow- Dj Gigola, Kev Koko

This song makes me wish I was Jason Bourne- just wanna jump really far while something explodes behind me.

30. Money Can’t Buy- Yaeji, Nappy Nina 

‘Well I’ll buy some Yaeji tickets, they’re for NOVEMBER, there’s NO WAY they’re gonna get cancelled’.

31. Only the Truth- Johanna Warren

When I first listened to this song I felt like I was floating in the ocean looking up at the stars as the drums came in on ‘what more can I do’. An incredibly beautiful and careful song.

32. Gasoline- Haim

2020 could probably be summarised with the phrase ‘WHY AM I NO LONGER IN CALIFORNIA? WHY DID I LEAVE CALIFORNIA?’ And this song is the 3 minutes 13 seconds seconds of escapism I needed to not topple into a full spiral.

33. Mapuu - Ic3peak

No one can convince me that Ic3peak are real people. They are a collective made up of child ghosts.

34. Don’t Worry- Bladee

Whenever I have an anxiety attack in the night I wake up and see Bladee’s ghost of the future over my bed, he says ‘Don’t worry’ and mumbles for a bit as I fall back into a peaceful sleep.

35. The biggest tits in history- The magnetic fields

The most relatable magnetic fields song imo.  

36. Sand Castle- nijuu

Yujin is a genius and my answer is yes, I do want to just walk for a while.

37. Curl Up- Darren Hayman

Ned reminded me how much I used to love Darren Hayman, and both of them have been a pretty big part of my year.

38. When Will Death Come- Sarah Mary Chadwick

‘Wow, mental voice’ - Ned, while doing the washing up.

39. Dear Dad - Sylvie Wiley

‘But I didn’t cry, you’d be proud’ Sylvie, I’m weeping forever.

40. 34+35- Ariana Grande

Hehehehehehehehehe

41. Garden Song- Phoebe Bridgers

Phoebe Bridgers is a pretty unparalleled lyricist and this song feels like a disconnected series of thoughts that somehow all make sense together and come to create something that doesn’t build, but all just kind of sits? What I’m trying to say is that I don’t really know what she’s talking about but like, I get it.

42. Ringtone (remix) - 100 gecs, Charli xcx, Kero Kero Bonito, Rico Nasty, 

I love the way it sounds like everyone got just one take and had to improvise all the lyrics but it still bangs.

43. Changer- Andy Shauf

Thank you lord for another album about a smaller than average man overthinking all of his social interactions with lots of lovely clarinet parts.

44. What’s your pleasure - Jessie Ware

My pleasure jessie? Probably just sitting by the fire with a tough crossword and a glass of merlot x

45. Slime- Shygirl

Shygirl’s series of singles this year made me even more livid that I had to take out my eyebrow piercing for my new job this year.

46. Sears Tower- Salem

Perfect halloween release.

47. Title track- happyness

Ned turned to me and said: ‘so is their new thing that they sound like Elliot Smith’ and I said: ‘and that’s a bad thing?’

48. Cross-sound ferry (walk on ticket) - Hamilton Leithauser

Have found unbelievable joy in chopping veg and shouting GREEEEEEEN PORT, NEEEEEEWWWW YOOORK alone in my kitchen.

49. Lowswimmer- Hailaker

I’ve loved hearing Jemima’s voice when I haven’t got to see her much this year. I normally take the piss out of the Hambledon line but I haven’t seen that this year really either. I guess we find sentimentality in strange places.

50. XS - Rina Sawayama

This song made me feel very decadent on those days where I didn’t wash.

51. Emily- Clem Snide

Let’s be more kind and brave in the face of it all.

52. Building a fire- Bonnie ‘Prince’ Billy

P.O.V you’re doing bushcraft in the garden with your husband Bonnie Prince Billy and he’s here to protect you.

53. Asexual Wellbeing- Okay Kaya

This song absolutely bangs but I am truly bewildered by the way they singled out the line ‘if they could put a pulse into a spinach leaf, can they turn the two of us into a tree?’ in the production as if that was a true piece of genius. As I say great tune tho.

54. Anthems- Charli xcx

The soundtrack to couch to 5k

55. Never Better- Kitty Fitz

A SE London queen bringing us huge pop tunes in 2020. So so excited to see what 2021 brings us from Kitty, she’s gonna be a real force!

56. Deep in Love- Bonny Light Horsemen

This is such a delightful song which (mainly due to the time I actually got around to listening to the whole record) for me really rang in the spring. A beautifully recorded testament to the feeling of love getting stronger meaning you have a lot more to lose.

57. Malibu- Kim Petras

My song of the summer, made me feel like I was at the beach when really I was in Lewisham.

58. Like I’m Winning it- Girlpool

I’m so delighted that the turn girlpool have made this year is towards dramatic goth music with breakbeats. Their voices both sound amazing and they look simply incredible.

59. Azad- Frazey Ford

I have no idea what she’s saying as always but I love it.

60. Helio- Charlotte Dos Santos

I’m literally so excited for what Charlotte Dos Santos is gonna put out next. The production is fantastic and her aesthetics are flawless.

61. Lost in the Country- Trace Mountains

‘I checked my email twice as I cried’. Safe to say we’ve all been there this year amirite girlies x

62. Unfold You- Rostam

I hated this at first, I thought, what’s this lo-fi beats to study to shit, but it’s now my classic ‘I’m just gonna pop to the shops, anyone want anything? x’ song. Huge.

63. Oh Yeah- A.G cook

One of 2020s realisations is that me and A.G Cook kind of look like we could be cousins.

64. Can’t cool me down- Car Seat Headrest

I would like to personally thank will Toledo for giving me a tune that got me off my ass when I was too warm to do exercise this summer.

65. Take back the radio- Katy J Paerson

In love with Katy J Pearson’s voice and the way this song builds. Just pretty flawless and feel good in my opinion. I think she’s such an exciting new artist who’s gonna be around for a very very long time.

66. Good Woman- The Staves

‘I’m a good woman’… speak for yourselves.

67. A Little Love- Jack Francis

Feel like I’ve been singing this song for about 5 years! It’s amazing and I’m so excited about what Jack’s going to bring out in 2021, he’s a genius and also the nicest man on the planet.

68. Lullaby No.4 - Snailbeach

This song makes me feel like I’m being hypnotised on a haunted carousel in a very relaxing way.

69. Boyfriend in every city- Roma Radz

Sucks that she can’t see any of her boyfriends cos of covid :(

70. Jaja ding dong- Will Ferrell

Get back in there and play Jaja Ding Dong !!!!

71. Highway- Jonatan leandoer96

Man, would be pretty sick to have 20 boys outside the club but alas the clubs are dead and I’ve only regularly texted about 4 people this year.

72. De nadie- Kali Uchis

Felt v sexy listening to this for the first time in a Morley’s in Honor Oak.

73. Weird Fishes- Lianne La Havas

This album was a pretty triumphant return for Lianna La Havas and me teenage self simply couldn’t be happier.

74. Micro Creature- Aya Gloomy

Love that despite everything about this song telling me otherwise, that the artwork for this single looks like Aya Gloomy is just chilling in the fields by my family home in Hampshire.

75. Si Ella Sale- Bad Bunny

Better get on the duolingo now if I’m gonna know what this guy’s saying at Porto next year.

76. Through my sails- Mountain Man

Truly gentle reimagining of an already incredibly beautiful song, mountain man make every word seem new!

77.Christmas Day (get me outta this funk) - Baggio and Blue 5 Years- Bath days

In joint 77th place are two banging Christmas songs that have soundtracked a pretty bleak Christmas period and have made me feel pretty joyous in their ways, despite one literally being called Blue Five Years.

[binkysteebnpewter]

All of them 😤

Ehehe 😂💗

1. What’s your middle name, and do you like it?

Grace is actually my middle name, and somewhat. I just don’t like it when my family calls me by first and middle together.

2. are you artistic?

Somewhat?

3. Have you had your first kiss?

Yes

4. What is your life goal?

It’s cheesy and a little cliche, but I want to find Home.

5. Do you have any experiences with a famous person?

Nope

6. Do you play any sports?

Not anymore but I used to play football and I was on the wrestling team in HS

7. What’s your worst fear?

I have two that are sort of equal with another but I’m afraid of losing the people I care about and people seeing me the way I see myself.

8. Who’s your biggest inspiration?

My late Nana, Gloria.

9. Do you have any cool talents?

Answered in previous ask

10. are you a morning person?

Not at all

11. How do you feel about pet names?

I love them

12. Do you like to read?

Absolutely

13. Name a list of shows that have changed your life.

NCIS, Criminal Minds, and any marvel movie

14. Do you care about your follower count?

Not really, I’ll celebrate milestones but that’s just to show everyone I appreciate them following my trash pile. I didn’t start writing to have a high following, I started writing to better my skill and also make people happy.

15. What’s the best dream you’ve had?

I don’t remember most of my happy dreams

16. Have you ever kissed someone of your same gender?

Yep!

17. Do you have any pets?

I have three dogs 🥺💗

18. Are you religious?

No. They only thing I actually believe in is ghosts.

19. Are you a people person?

Not really

20. Are you considered popular?

Nope, and I don’t care to be

21. What is one of your bad habits?

Overthinking

22. What’s something that makes you feel vulnerable?

Opening up my emotions to other people

23. What would you name your children?

No clue

24. Who’s your celebrity crush?

There’s a bunch ig

25. What’s your best subject?

Science and history

26. Dogs or cats?

Dogs, I love cats but I’m super allergic

27. most used social media besides tumblr?

I don’t use a lot of social media tbh, so tumblr is probably my most used unless you count youtube

28. best friends name

Duke

29. who does your main family consist of

My friends and my brother. Family isn’t just blood

30. Chocolate or sugar

Both

31. have you ever been on a date?

Yep

32. Do you like rollercosters?

Absolutely love them

33. Can you swim?

Yes 💗

34. What would you do in the event of an apocolypse?

Clearly, I’d do what everyone else does. Panic and try to survive.

35. Have you struggled with any kind of mental disorder?

Yes, I struggle with anxiety and depression

36. Are your parents together?

Nope.

37. What’s your favourite colour?

Dark green and Dark Blue

38. What country are you from/do you live in?

Unfortunately, the U.S

39. Favourite singer?

Uh... there’s too many to list? But my favorite people to listen to is The Oh Hellos

40. Do you see yourself being famous some day?

Nope, I run from being the center of attention.

41. Do you like dresses?

Not really

42. Favourite song right now?

Fly Me To The Moon by Frank Sinatra

43. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

Sort of.

44. How old were you when you first got your period?

No clue, I don’t remember

45. Have you ever shot a gun?

Yep

46. Have you ever done yoga?

No

47. Are you a horror girl?

YES 😈

48. Are you good at giving advice?

I suppose I am?

49. Tell us a story about your childhood.

I don’t have a lot of happy memories but one that sticks out is: I used to go to a private Christian academy and I was in first grade when this boy in eighth grade (the entire school was k-12) came over to me during my lunch. I was super scared and shy as a kid so my schedule was tailored so I was able to eat lunch with my brother whose nine years older than me. Our mom forgot to pack our lunches so we were gonna just get some stuff from the vending machine, well my brother gave me my money to get something and this boy came over to me before I could put it in the vending machine. He hit me and took my money, buying himself something with it. My brother seen it and got into a fight with him.

50. How are you doing today?

Eh

51. Were you a cute kid?

I looked like Shirley Temple when I was a kid

52. Can you dance?

I can swing dance and slow dance, but that’s it.

53. Is there anything you do that you can’t remember ever not doing?

I always look for exits and bathrooms when I go somewhere, I’ve always done it 🤷🏻‍♀️

54. Have you ever dyed your hair?

No because I’m a ginger. I can’t just dye it back if I end up not liking the color I dyed it to.

55. What colour are your eyes?

Brown

56. What’s your favourite animal?

Answered in previous ask

57. Have you ever made a huge fool of yourself?

Multiple times

58. Do you have a good relationship with your parents?

My relationship with my dad is rocky but my relationship with my mother went up in flames a few yeaes ago 🤷🏻‍♀️

59. Do you have good friends?

I have some amazing friends🥺💗

60. Are you close with anyone of the lgbtq+ group?

Yep!

61. What’s your favourite class?

My favorite class was Psychology

62. List all the tv shows you are watching.

I’m rewatching Criminal Minds right now.

63. Are you organized?

Somewhat?

64. What was the last movie you saw? Opinion?

I don’t know if it counts as a movie but I just finished a Ted Bundy Tapes Documentary. I think Bundy was a little bit of an idiot.

67. Which tv character do you relate to most?

Spencer Reid

68. What are some things that stand between you and complete happiness?

Anxiety, Depression, overthinking

69. If you received enough money to never need to work again, what would you spend your time doing?

I would probably still work, I’m not a fan of sitting around and doing nothing for large amounts of time.

70. What would you change about your life if you knew you would never die?

Find a way to die, I don’t want to live forever. That’s just torture 👀

71. What would you do differently if you knew that no one was judging you?

Nothing. I’ll act the same as I always have because I am who I am, there’s no reason to change yourself from when someone is watching and when someone isn’t.

72. If you could start over, what would you do differently?

A lot 😂

73. Would you break the law to save a loved one?

Yep

74. When was the last time you travelled somewhere new?

I went to Disney with my Chorus Class in Junior Year of HS, it was my first time to Disney.

75. When you think of your home, what immediately comes to mind?

Nothing, I’m looking for Home. Home will be someone I feel safe with, someone I can be completely myself with— someone I love wholly.

76. What have you done to pursue your dreams lately? How about today?

I— idk?

77. What did you want to be when you were a kid?

I wanted to be a nurse 🤦🏻‍♀️

78. If you dropped everything to pursue your dreams, what would you be risking?

Im not sure

79. When did you not speak up, when you know you really should have?

Ooh... uh, something happened to me all through 7th, 8th, and 9th grade that I should’ve spoken up about but was too scared.

80. Describe the next five years of your life, and your plans, in a single sentence.

I will work hard to love myself and pursue my dream job.

81. What would happen if you never wasted another minute of your life, what would that look like?

No clue tbh

82. If you could live forever, how would you spend eternity?

I don’t want to live forever but I guess I’d find a way to take away my immortality or find someone else who is immortal to love

83. How would you spend a billion dollars?

Id put a lot into important causes and then save some with interest.

84. If you could time travel, would you go to the past or the future?

I’m not sure, I think I wouldn’t go anywhere because I want to live in the moment. Except 2020, fuck 2020.

85. What motivates you to succeed?

Failure motivates me to succeed.

86. What dream that you’ve had has resonated with you the most?

I don’t remember most of my happy dream, I usually can only remember the nightmares 🤷🏻‍♀️

87. Would you rather live in the city or the woods? Why?

Woods, its peaceful.

88. Do you believe in life after death?

I don’t really believe in anything 🤷🏻‍♀️

89. What teacher inspired you the most? How did they?

I had a teacher named Ms Eagan and she inspired me to always be myself.

90. What’s your fondest childhood memory?

Meeting Lily

91. If you could have dinner with any one person, living or dead, who would they be and why?

Lily, because I really miss her.

92. What would you have to see to cry tears of joy?

Anyone being nice to me makes me cry—

93. What is the hardest lesson you had to learn in life?

Sometimes the people you call family don’t truly love you.

94. What do you think happens after we die?

Idk and idrc either tbh

95. What would you do if you would be invisible?

I’d probably scare some people

96. What’s something you can’t do no matter how hard you try?

Speak in public or ask for something at restaurants

97. Would you want to choose the sex and appearance of your offspring?

Eh

98. How did your first crush develop?

They were nice to me when no one else was

99. Is there a feeling you are trying to ignore? What is it?

Yes, I’m trying to ignore how upset some people can really make me.

100. Do you live or do you just exist?

I think I’m somewhere in between, where sometimes I’m just existing and sometimes I’m living.

[mgatala]

random

why? this pandemic got me so stress than id ever thought i could, countless anxiety attacks, nobody knows. 

how? this is how the only thing i could ever think to vent things out.

what? maybe things that happened and thoughts that been on m mind lately.

  first

when the lock-down lifts up, the first thing that was my concern is my academic status, its not a good time (march) to stop the school, perhaps i didn't even redeem myself for all the quizzes and tests. then, it was suspended that they just have to based our grades to whatever we’ve done, and i know im lacking. then May came, grades are released. Ive got two failing grades, two major grades, i cannot stress enough how depressing this for me, I’m on my fourth year of college and this the first time, Ive failed on a subject. In this time of pandemic, this. I’ve been disappointed with myself, the people around me, and literally lost some support financially, scholarship. i didnt know what to do, i dont want to run to anyone, this is just a burden, i accepted it thinking that I can be better, i know I am. I dont want to think this too often I am shifting my thoughts to more uplifting and postive because my health and my family is okay and that is more than enough. 

then, 

June came, birth-month. we all thought or hoped that sooner everything will be better but guessed what the government and some people didn't take this pandemic seriously, the cases are getting worst, and more deaths are on the row, still they wanna go out. the quarantine turns to GCQ a little lighter and not that strict protocol but to observe social distancing and wearing face masks and ppe. but still the virus is still here, the employees doesn't have the choice but to get off their asses and attend their offices because apparently they wanted to open for the sake of economy, and being on this country with having a poor public transportation, the people cant focus on social distancing they all can think about is how to get on the train, the jeep and the free ride some good Samaritan offers, they risk their life not because they are stubborn but because its their natural instinct for survival not for themselves but for their families, and to all of my friends that opened their online stores, you know I can only support by liking and sharing it to others, and to all who is also have to battle with mental illness, we all can come through it and choose to move forward.

 Salute to all the front liners and to all the person that choose to risk. but to the government that is using this pandemic to abuse their power for their own goodwill, middle finger up folks. 

I forgot that I mention its my birth month, well there’s nothing special I do when its my birth-month, but for some reason this month (june), ive come to realize that my family isn't that strong. my parents been living together for the sake of their kids, I don’t have any idea that this would happen to me, I always thought that we were happy and whole. and im very thankful that we were, my papa tell me things that happened in the past that he cant seem to let go, and i cant do anything about that. he already closed his mind, and decided that he’s done with everything they been through. The house doesn't feel like home, we are all here but the strings that i thought were there was long gone. Maybe that’s why i never really see the love that I’ve wanted to feel. there were no role models, they were neglecting each other and always tell tat they didn't really love each other, before it thought they were so in denial but now, its all a missing puzzle pieces to my questions when I was a child, I am grateful that they raise us, as a good person (I wanted to think so), they were a good individuals, very humbled and a God’s follower. but ive know this before that this is just them being a decent parents. I am still healing from this, trying to ignore the words that is murmuring inside my head, after this incident im having nightmares from my childhood, repetitively. but im moving forward.

lastly, now that I’ve finally committed to someone, knowing my love language was physical touch and quality time, I AM STRUGGLING. at first phase of this pandemic, we’ve encountered a lot of misunderstanding, I cried a lot cause i felt like I am not held right. this long distance is my nightmare, fairly even before on my past potential lovers. in all fairness to my partner, he tries to understand where all my fusses are coming from, that i am just missing him and being together was all I can think about. I was frustrated, for him to understand me i really say things what I feel. sometimes also, when i felt like saying ‘i miss you’ and haven’t been able to prove myself is holding me back to say it. like i wouldn’t say things that i cant do and proved. and on his side that I think was his love language is words of affirmation, perhaps I also frustrates him. I wouldn’t say a thing if I felt  like not doing so, I wouldn’t reach out if i thought it just doesn’t make sense to say things, but for him that’s everything, he can again function to hear things from me, but me, I don’t know where to get the will to think is this gonna work out, will I let myself be my old self again, that run from things that I cant seem to fathom, from things I don’t see working, I wouldn’t force, i wouldn’t risk. but that was before, before i love with so much reservations and too much focused on myself. I tried to contemplate, is this my partner also wants, does he deserve that ive been treating him very oddly, is he not trying. and all my questions were he just keeps proving himself that I was just overthinking things, I shouldn’t worry, this all just a phase and everything will work out. he never failed to remind me that he is willing and deserve all the love I can give, even when sometimes im hard to love. And i also see that even we cant see other for now, his strong presence when im on my downtimes he’s there, always. trying to crack a joke (corny), lifts me up with his words, and listen to me when all he can hear was me sobbing and complaining why life is like this. There is just too many green flags for me to ignore it, and embrace that someone is willing to understand me, and love me unconditionally. When im having my episodes he knows what to say, he always have the right words for everything. “just have a little faith” as he would say, and i would calm as if i was wrapped in his arms, stroking my back, and me knowing, Ive got some good thing right here. I wish right now he was sending me home, we’re having our casual story time, laughing and getting him mad but still can bear me. but right now his health is still my first concern, see u soonest xx

j

[mxlcriada]

Baby mama drama.

Living with my ex/babys dad is gonna be the death of me. Its been like 4 days that weve been broken up and theyve been sooo weird. Its all my fault, i cant deny that. I wish i hadnt gotten myself in this mess bc i was finally okay with having no hoes, not messin w no one and focusing on bettering myself for my family and relationship.

I feel like this guy was just waiting for me to give him a reason so he could be single. After seeing i had a couple people on fb that i shouldnt have had, he was over it. Put of curiosity i went to check his followers and sure enough, the top 9 were ALL females i had unfollowed or blocked from his page. Right back to his own shit of...well i wont put him out there like that but fuck man. Like...am i just overthinking? Maybe. Hes a T H I R S T Y ass dude so i shouldnt have been surprised.

I ugly cried myself to sleep when my daughter took her nap. I wake up to dms from him like "you took me off your shit again?" Referring to pictures of us and literally removing him as a follower on one page and unfollowing him from another. We talked for about 15 minutes. Was i gonna let him know i was hurt or sad? Fuck no. Then he wins. Even tho i know this is not a competition, im gonna ne the winner. I know he hurts too but hes more emotionally open and hes able to show his feelings. He would constantly call me a cold bitch because i wouldnt bawl my eyes out every time we would argue.

This is just weird as fuck now tho. Like really weird n i dont like it at all.

Thanks for coming to my TED Talk.

[marshaeb]

P.S: I'm Mated With The Cursed Alpha!

Chapter Seven

Hey guy! Don’t forget to Like, Comment, Review, and Follow for more updates! My apologies in advance for all the grammatical errors. Book will be professionally edited when completed.

After all that had just transpired, I was expecting Mom to blow up on me as soon as we stepped through the door, but her behavior was quite different. She was quiet and calm as she sat at the cleared dining table, looking through a pile of paperwork.

My heart was in my gut... I didn’t know how to feel or what to say after all the mess I got us in. I stood there timidly, with my sore, wounded arm covered with blood, held up to my chest.

I was a total mess. You’d swear I’d been out scuffling with Chelsea and her clique the way that I looked. Bloody and drench from wetting it up and my hair was a tousled fro of fluff.

“Um, Mom...” I said quietly...almost too quietly.

She paused and gave me a hard stare.

“I-I just want to say I’m sorry Mom...” I sniffle. “I-I didn’t mean for things to happen the way it did tonight... He attacked me out of nowhere—

“Nah uh... Stop it right there!” She said sternly. “How many times have I told you, Joel? For once listen to me when I talk to you! All I wanted was to keep you away from danger... from allowing something like this to happen! Still, you disobeyed me and snuck out!”

“But, Mom I-I’m sorry... I-I could explain—

“What’s left to explain, dear?” She said. “Everything has already happened... though I hate to even think this way, but probably this was meant to be... probably this all explains the reason for your rebellious behavior... it was to led you to him.”

“No Mom... This is all coincidental... that’s it!” I said feeling my wound starting to burn. “That’s all it is.”

“Do you really think so?” She asked in a shaky voice. “I saw something you didn’t see...”

“Saw what mama?” I asked confusedly.

“That look in his eyes... The way he looked at you.” She said. “You don’t know how it feels yet... The first time you smell your mate... it hits you like the strongest substance there is... It drives you crazy! Almost like you’re losing your mind... Why did you think he did what he did and attack you...not wanting to let you go!”

My mind instantly went back to St. Pete’s. When he saw me from across the room. I just popped off and came at me full force.

“Mom...what can I do?” I begged her.

“What can you do?” She repeated with no hope in her voice. “Joel, there’s nothing you...or I can do right now...but to wait to see where your future lies on your eighteen birthday.”

“B-but Jackson!” I said feeling my whole world crumbling down around me. “What am I supposed to—

“Jackson has been sent on a three-month mission in the west...” She said, “and for one thing...thank heavens he’s not here, because things would have been even more disastrous if Alpha Darius found out that his potential mate has a boyfriend.”

I took in sharp deep breaths and embraced myself tightly. ’I don’t want Jackson to get hurt...” I mumbled.

“Then I suggest you do the safest thing there is...keep your mouth shut and don’t mention his name.” Mom said. “By the time he’s back from his mission, you will by then know who your potential mate will be.”

“But...but my birthday is in three months, Mom...what will I do then?” I asked. “The hospital is out of our territory...”

“I know...which is why I’m busy trying to set things up for your safety,” Mom said. “And that’s tripling security too.”

A look of confusion crossed my face.

“But... I am safe! I’m on our territory!” I said.

Mom stopped and gave me a dead stare. “You really don’t know who you’re messing with, do you?”

I swallowed deeply. The guy’s crazier than I thought.

“A powerful Alpha, who have been searching seven years for his mate... has finally found her by sheer luck.” Mom said. “Could you imagine how hungry he is for you? Do you think a hot-blooded, superior Alpha like him could resist his mate?”

I stood there quietly as reality began to settle in.

“I doubt it...” She continued. “I’ll exchange you from the hospital for a little while with Samantha at the preschool... It’s only for blocks away from our home and it’s properly guarded.”

“The Nursery?” I gasped. “Mom... I’m not a caretaker.”

“It’s either that or risk yourself being at the hospital.” She said. “I don’t think you understand what it is to be marked Joel... and it’s different from an Alpha. It’s like volts of uncontrollable pleasure, rushing through your body... like venom. When he claims you, a part of him lives inside you forever.”

I could hear the intensity in her voice... Just hearing her explain it made me tremble with fear.

“So...until then...we wait,” she said. “Now go and take a bath. I’ll call over a nurse to patch up your wound.”

She walked back over to her desk and continued to sort through her paperwork.

After reaching upstairs to my room, Talloc was nowhere to be found like always. She was out hunting.

The sounds of howls rippled through the dark forest, but it was chilling and wretched. It was the cursed Alpha’s, and I know he was somewhere in the dark eerie forest, watching me at this very moment.

~~~~~~~~

~Present Day~

About a week has passed and I’ve been staying indoors ever since. My wound was healing faster than I thought it would, but the soreness was still there.

Nobody knew about what had taken place that night. Mom made sure of that. But just being here, trapped indoors had me so paranoid. Overthinking about everything that has happened and the consequences that would happen to me if I slip up again.

I really miss having those privileges when I could move about and enjoy my freedom. Now that I’m thinking about it, I rather have Mom’s strict curfew any day than being locked up from Alpha Darius.

My mind kept going on Jackson... I wanted him here with me. To comfort me and tell me what I needed to hear. That I am his mate and this is all one big misunderstanding, but sadly, it wasn’t.

A few months from now, I might be Mated to a man I barely even know. It saddens me to even think Jackson and I wouldn’t be together like we hoped, but to a man overly possessive Alpha who attacked me and nearly capture me against my will.

And he won’t leave me alone. Ever since that dreadful night, he has been stalking me almost every night.

His huge black wolf is always there...in that same spot in the woods... watching my room. He’s driving me insane. It was as if he’s waiting for any moment for me to slip up.

This feeling is like being on death row... knowing a terrible fate awaits you.

Talloc suddenly flew into the window I left open for her, nearly scaring my trouble soul half to death.

“Talloc!” I gasped, holding my chest. “You scared me, girl.”

She rolled her neck and squawk back at me.

“Did you had fun hunting last night?” I said to her, trying to wipe off the drop of blood from her beak.

And as you guessed right, she wasn’t gonna just let me step up to her and clean her beak without being defensive. She pecked my finger softly, holding it in her mouth.

“Come on, Talloc...just because you older now doesn’t mean I-I can’t clean you up just a little,” I said, but it was hopeless.

My rebellious snowy owl flew off in one huge flap, dropping the stack of pictures and old letters out of the window.

“No!” I shouted, running over to the window as they scattered everywhere across the lawn. “Shit!”

I turn around to catch my breath.

“Urgh...Talloc! Damn that feisty bird!” I grunted. “My pictures...they all fell over! I have to get them before they all get ruined.”

I threw on my navy denim jacket and dashed to my room door, but then I suddenly remembered that it wasn’t safe...he could be out there.

Though I’m still safe on the territory,

I’m just beyond paranoid to even encounter him again, face to face. Plus mom had already warned me, for my own sake to keep my distance.

I can’t make a fool of myself again... and for Mom’s sake, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I embarrassed her even more than I already did.

A deep, anxious sigh left my lips as I thought about this situation I’m now faced with. All the memories I collected would be completely ruined if they’re exposed too long.

Deep down in my heart, I wanted to dash out there this instant and collect every last one of them, but my mind had me in fear. Reminding me that he could be out there, but can he really during the daytime?

Usually, he comes out during the evenings just to let me know he’s watching and waiting...and it pisses me off, but maybe...just maybe I might have a chance.

It won’t take long...

I breathed in sharply when I suddenly remembered that Jackson’s letter from back in the eleventh grade was in that stack! That was the time he officially asked me to be his girlfriend...and our pictures!

“I have to get them!” I breathed heavily, walking back in forth in my room. “I better get all of them now...before the wind blows them out of the territory. Then he’ll find those photos with us!”

I crept back over towards my window and slowly, but thoroughly surveyed the grounds for any sign of his black wolf or any of his minions. Surprisingly...there was no sign of him at all.

I was right... Maybe he really does pass through during the evenings. And there’s also those painful, silver Barb wires Mom has up to keep out any intruders. It looks safe enough and besides all my pictures are on the lawn.

“SHIT!” I exclaimed. “No, no, no, NO!”

One of them fell on the other side. Oh Moon goddess, why?!

I crunch down against the window post, breathing shakily. My nerves were taking over and I could feel my throat getting drier and drier by the second!

What the hell! Everything bad is happening to me lately and unfortunately, there is no way to run from it or avoid it. I literally hate my life now.

I held in my breath and slowly took another look out the window. Carefully I observed the proximity of the others to that one that was out of bounds.

My eyes glanced over across the forest once more. I used my sharp wolf senses to pick up if he was out there... Usually, the hairs on my arm would stand up if I sensed him...but it so happens that I didn’t feel anything. There is also no sign of him...so it should be safe!

It has to be! But I have to be cautious and as prompt as possible.

With every fear building up inside me, I pushed it aside, balling my hand into a tight fist, and ran downstairs as quickly as I can.

As soon as I step to the backdoor, my heart launched in my throat. It was now or never.

I turn the doorknob and haul my tail towards the scattered images and letters. My mind was so numb, I felt like falling out from the fear and anxiety if he caught me.

Almost done... Just the other four over there in the flower bed. I quickly ran over and collected them. All in accounted for, except that one. It was just a few inches on the other side.

I held the stack against my chest as I scan the rattling trees of the forest. It was so calm but daunting. If whatever, he might be out there.

I’d dread the day if it happens to be a personal picture of me and Jackson and he gets his hold on it before I do.

Shit! I can’t take this anymore! I have to get that now! I rest the others down and gradually inched my way over. As I reach the barbed wire fence, my supply of oxygen was growing thin. The amount of fear of cutting my windpipe was unbearable.

I licked my lips and lengthened my short arm slowly over. It was so close, but yet so far.

Just a flick of my nail, it scraped the tip. No matter how hard I try, it was useless. Until I started to lose my temper, unleashing my inner wolf as my nails lengthen into claws.

Finally, I latched onto it, but with all that concentration... I let my guard down. I should have known better!

His huge black wolf jumped out of nowhere and dashed over to snatch my hand..but once again, I lucky to pull back my hand right in time.

For a second I felt my heart stop and I swear I mess up myself.

He licked his huge tongue over his sharp teeth and stared down at me like a piece of meat. I tried to catch my breath as I look at the picture underneath his large paw.

What was he doing here? Doesn’t he have a pack to lead? Was he there all this time? Watching me...waiting for the right moment to strike. Mom was right, it’s really not safe for me at all.

I quickly dashed over, collecting the others, and ran back inside up to the room.

I closed my curtains from the outside. I just couldn’t bear it anymore...but what picture was that? There we’re words written behind it!

I sorted through the stack of pictures and letters. Jackson’s letter is here... Thank Goodness it wasn’t that!

As I continued to go through, all we’re present... except that one!

“Our one-year anniversary, Christmas Eve collage! SHIT!”

Read Chapter Eight (Click the link below)