#because im fat because i always had short hair (my mom didnt want to take care of me and short hair meant it was easier to never brush/wash

[soggycereal]

i hate people i hate hate hate hate hate people all my family are constantly over for the holidays and my brother was calling his friend while playing video games over here and his friend said "wow your sister has such a fucking ugly voice dude" and then my brother said "i know right its terrible and so masculine and grating"

and you know whats really crazy that same brothers friend every single time he sees me he death stares my boobs not a single look up

[fkyumerica]

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/-WowH0liGfE does she herd

facts about dalmations, oh my god get her to leave

did boy george/amber have the ugliest fucking wife inners and outers

he said it

is her whole body utters for him wtf

marilyn manson officially fucking did it

electrocuted us to steal mcdonalds

and enter in to fuck with his mom and elderly to steal all their money

and the worlds

henry ford is caught

went with 8 girls

then

he was 15

"new town panties"

dont let him surf

started skate boarding to knock out all their teeth

stupid right didnt know i did it

and to them i knocked out all their teeth, now first person they see they will attack and already dead haha i steal your wife

he is his own dad

and fucks his mom

to calm her down to leave

and gets her fat again

family orgies, smells like old people

and the old look is it too mom take off your wig

it will save you, now i wear it and hit old people

sky scraper

The Ride of the Rohirrim live in concert - The Return of the king Barcelona

jo just goes in there and shoots everyone

he pierced my ears and did my hair

that guy isnt the kurgan

he is heartless-kurgan

i dont care

do it

he wants gay old monster orcs to live

im not gonna let them live

each shit came on the ground

gum dots?

really

them?

i ride each of their horses to kill them after

cant run

anddd

we fuck her too

other side

drugs poltergeist cant get up

spirits hold them down

andd

what

they shit on me to give me armor

chariot

those guys were with gandolf the whole time

they burnt giant dads

tried to make their sons gay

i went in the castle and shot men off them

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P9JR5-ZecCQ he locked us out of our trailers to smash them in half

he always tried to kill alden

showed up as the guitarist once for ac/dc

and i dunno he likes metallica gay right i'll leave him there

i'll let it happen too old ones rape him

pointed at that group instead and move them forward, burnt

but its anyone wild anyways

he would just lie

that guy would get attacked evveryday

the neighbor

it might be clifford

ow ow ow in trailer park boys

did they break my tooth of because of them

probably, small

wheres the dinosaur

what present are they taking and using already

to attaack

and kill, her instead

so we got a dinosaur win a fight

kill her too, say it twice they will send more again

From the shitposting community on Reddit: How to give a kid PTSD

jimhoslovat, meant here are some to mate too and mate your offspring too then they get it they say it

every fkng day i had to kill those people

there it is got that woman oregnant and 5 girls, kidnapped him, she's with him

body bag

kevin/mike/tony was his fake name then he was anthony tscolas and anthony hernandez

and what girls too posted it on my blog

and the video of the apartments they lived in

got two women

let him in when they were asleep

kids need a home stay the night then it happened, she already mated with their dad and hey two women they were stupid it was their wives

of their dads and they were old

looks like her

thanks for the video

what a hooker

points with his thumb hey come oveeer here

and was jeffery's dad

mike's

and

josh's

yea i can stick it in there

judge book

every morning

the website

conquer all

and the boy lives just to be a hooker GET ME OUTTA HERE

I can live there because I saw a car go from here to there and I know its my family living next to me

Shes dead? We’re gonna fuck her  to him to be alive CRAZY GREAT  BREEDING LOVe then him then him then him then him

Their moms got  boys since, Spanish didn’t have a boat to save them, France stole it for it, gay love

Only this group would know the answer to their family feud, that is the show, then they say it after

I FUCKING HATE THAT BITCH IM GONNA GO INSIDE AND FUCK HER, grandma is down the street

And why, cause shes got a gross cunt go fuck him he will clean it

Half English half irish I get it, and wait in the sky scraper for old people after, after she lives in it too wtf sit I n the lobby tired I got 4 houses, fred durst. Now he wont be mad at me walked over there he fucked deedee or wtf is not fucking her I got a trend black tshirt right no hats no we’re you, surprise your family with a pregnancy they wont care

I think he told it to that other boy or he was fucking her after, goes for that

I think you did chris, for them to go at me

Scottish army then she got a wedding too, make him look bigger or show up, pregnant by two boys and one guy, Barolo, wedding singer, anyones shit (son)

The wedding singer, fred durst after, or elvis from the wedding, gotta look at a egg nest after and see if I cry, no I left her too, old ladies kissing him he can come back and her mom ripped her face off now we got three in an army keep making them scream after then walk them up to other womens privates and talk to those women from the front we do it gay

mary sue had marilyn manson(switches charles manson in the court room so her son gets out it was keep switching one in to escape prison and a court trial fake judge throw it out what note)when she slept with that older man, same one

[tylerwritez]

3:38 p.m. Wednesday June 30 2021

Song reccomendation:

Hey guys. We went to the mall again because it's too hot to go outside. I l1fted a bit but I did buy a blue and purple tie dyed tank top for summer and a Slayer shirt from the hot topic.

We had funsies, me and my friend were chatting and stuff. Not much to say.

I'm feeling sucky now cos we got lunch at the italianos store and I wanted to get Dulce De Leche because what's the point of going to the italianos if ur leaving with NO dulce de leche....?? Its so yummy. My mom said yes but my 11 YEAR OLD SISTER LIKE FLIPPED OVER THE CAN AND READ OFF THE GRAMS OF SUGAR AND CALORIES!!!!! liKE WHAT??? ITS NONE OF UR BUSINESS JESUS!!!!!! thanks for triggering my uh disordered eating...  cos after that I wanted to cry and I just put the can back and remembered how fat I am and I ALMSOT HAD A BREAKDOWN IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STORE LIKE IT WAS THE WORST FEELING...

Now I'm worried about my CaLoRieS and jesus it's the worst feeling... thanks sister who is eleven and REALLY MEAN?? she literally calls me short fat and ugly all the time... I think my mom and sister make me the most insecure. My mom is always ragging on what I eat how much I eat what time I eat it's the WORST PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE???? like I'm trying. You think I don't ALREADY feel bad??? Like okay way to shame your HEALTHY BMI (bmi 22) child for... eating a sandwich for lunch? I can't even. Like YEAH IM A BIT CHUBBY BUT IT HURTS MY FEELINGS FOR Y'ALL TO POINT IT OUT COS IVE BEEN INSECURE MY WHOLE LIFE AND I JUST CAN'T EVEN. I CAN'T.

.... but we had fun at the mall. So yeah.

I think I ended up l1fting like, a choker, some masks (for covid), fake nails (for my sister), and some hair bands (since my hair is crazy in the morning and always gets in my eyes)

Also some mentos XD but I won't be eating those since I feel like shitttt thanks family ily ♡ /s no I don't

Also that stuff I was talking about being upset over the divorce? Last night? I'm better now so dw.

.... I'm ravenously hungry right nowwww  but. We are going to ignore that. Because hungry is good. Itz good to be hungry it means you're on the right track and if you stay hungry long enough you DO lose weight. You just gotta stay hungry. ALSO, ALSO IM TRYING TO AVOID BLOATING because if I bloat then I get insecure with no top on,,, and it's hot out, so what I wanna do is keep my tummy flat ALL DAY so I can wear like just my sports bra or smthn... i hate saying that I'm wearing a bra but like thAt's what it is if I called it anything else I'd confuse you.

If you're on this blog for the first time,,, I'm MALE, so like don't just assume I'm a girl.

I feel like I dont pass enough but also I dont really mind? Like people keep calling me a girl but I dont see it? I personally dont think I look feminine??

.... I guess when I'm naked... JAY.

and when I dont bind, and my voice, but that's about it.

Also uhm. I'm kinda a kleptomaniac. I'm gonna check the diagnostic criteria for that because... I sorta l1ft every time I go out. Even if I dont NEED anything. It's not a problem, since I'm not getting caught, but it's still a CRIME and I should try and slow it down a bit.

At least I'm not HAULING as much as I used to.... I would FILL my mfing backpack, bro. I would go nuts. So I gotta try n be more careful so I don't get caught. I take too many risks... sex!!!!, theivery!!!!, and light drugs.

But isnt that what being 15 is about? Idk. I'll post pics of what I l1fted to my l1fting blog after I remove the metadata/exit data (location data) so I don't get doxxed...

Also I dont know if I told yall this but I might get contact lenses :) I think glasses make me look ugly so i dont wanna wear em. Also i hate having em on my face all the time it's just plain annoying.

4:18 p.m. update: okay so we're going home.

My mom is being kinda annoying shes like mocking me... Whateverrrrrrrrr idc. Jay is at his friends house rn, Eden is busy and Erin proabably won't come if Eden doesn't come so I guess I'm resigned to biking alone tonight.... probabaly after I pack all my shit of course.

11:20 a.m. update:

I didn't end up going biking... we took the bottles to the bottle depot, I got 20 bucks, and so did my sister even though she didnt even come :P

I got home and just went online. I was scouring Encyclopedia Metallum for any good active local metal bands that I could potentially see live in a concert in my city! 

I ate okay today, kinda ate more than I intended to before I slept because I was so hungry :| willpower 0 (zero)

Anyways I ate to maintain today :/ which is okay I guess.

I'm a bit upset since my dad was crying about the divorce and like I tried to comfort him and said it's okay to cry and stuff but... MAN THATS PAINFUL.... and like... shouldnt it be the other way around? I hate this. I hate everyone feeling bad. And I hate having to be so grown up.

Oh well... I was always the hound of hell, not the lamb of god.

4:15 a.m. update

Everyone wants to hang out with me XD so I gotta ask about that

Roadtrip soon.

Idk, not much to say.

I'm uh, listening to MUSIC right now. I love music and I wanna play bass again. I also feel very insecure and want to cut my junk off so that's fun.

:P

Goodnight ig

[sainadazai]

When your crush is angry all the time

Ch. 2

Ch.2

DontCryDontCryDontCry

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Y/n pov

First day at U.A. high. This is actually going to be so sick, think of all the boys and girls and weird quirks. Best of all I get to meet boom boom. Hopefully I don't do that thing where I think about him so much I forget we don't know each other, that would be embarrassing. 

I smile to myself as I approach the tall building with students flooding in and out. A couple of kids seemed to notice how strange I looked, I didn't have the uniform yet because my mother refused to let me have it. She told me I'd have to get it from her during school so she could show her students how dope her kid was. 

Not sure if I should be flattered though. Mom always compliments me like I actually did something to have the power I have. When really all I did was not die. Usually the interaction goes -

"Oh my god, honey you are so fucking cool, look how good you control your quirk, you train so hard!"

"Yea mom, it's crazy how after psychopaths try to breed you at ten years old you learn a thing or two about combat."

Then her face falls into a deadpan to cover her guilt and we move on. Sarcasm is honestly one of my all time favorite coping strategies. Like you can even make it better by not making any facial expression so people's minds are just fully fucked. 

My outfit couldn't feel more out of place right now, but I obviously notice the profuse blushing of boys and girls as I make my way through the halls of U.A. If my bestie was here I'm sure people would be fainting, since she makes a habit of dressing in fishnets and chains. I guess I could wear clothes like that but im tired most of the time. So if I don't have to dress up, I won't. 

However that doesn't mean I still don't look good. Well, at least I think I do...

This morning I was lazy so I just threw on Baggio black jeans, a cropped tee, and a baseball jersey that I got from when I flew with my dad to America. We watched the game together, but I kinda zoned out the whole time. Of Course I added a couple chains just in case I get to be on top of somebody. Hehe call that ✨funcional fashion✨

Dw of course I took a picture in the morning to post on insta and brag to my old friends about how I got out of that hell. 

I rushed in a door that said 1-b just before I heard a bell go off. The door shut behind me with a loud thud the second the bell stopped. That is one way to get attention, I guess. I didn't even care to take in the faces of the students in front of me. After all, I was only here for one reason. I skimmed the room trying to find that ominous glare, but to no avail. My first thought was that maybe he wasn't in class today. That was before I peeked out the window of the door and realized there were more than one hero classes here. 

If he is in the other class, I'll just have to be in there too. Is this stalking? Yes. Will it end badly? Probably yes. However, do I have anything to really lose? Nope. Not a single thing.

"Katsuki Bakugou." I figured I'd say it out loud with a Stern face, just to see if the teacher would be intimidated enough to take me to him. 

The teacher and the rest of the class visibly tensed at my stare, but apparently I wasn't intimidating enough. 

"Whatever business you have can be settled after class. Now, students, this is the newest addition to class 1-b y/n l/n."

"No."

"Pardos me Ms. L/n"

"I said no, im not gonna be an addition to your dumb class" I mocked him 

He then sent me a very odd face, in which he pursed his lips but simultaneously glanced at his students in fear. I suppose they might not be pleased at my rejection, but that's irrelevant. I'm not here for them. 

"Oh, so you think you're too good for us!? Huh?"

"Yes."

"Class 1-a scum can have you, you vial worthless, dumb, fat, stup-"

Some angry blonde kid was interrupted by an aggressive bonk on his head. I glanced to his side and made eye contact with a girl, she was quite pretty, but not prettier than boom boom. 

"Cool, okay so i'm gonna go to the other class then....sir?"

"Pft, you wish. Sit down. Now."

"I literally didn't ask dude...sir."

"Adding sir doesn't make what you're saying any less disrespectful, now sit down."

I pouted a bit in realization that he wasn't as dense as the police usually are. However that didnt mean I wanted to listen. Plus if I got in trouble, that might be even more fun. 

"Again. No." 

Suddenly I felt a hard push on my back, I fell to the floor and felt a foot pushed against my back. 

"Nooo.Mom, please. Not right now."

"I came here to teach historia you brat."

She took her other leg and swung it back, leaving all her body weight on my back. Then launched it forward to meet with my side just as she took her top foot off my back. I felt the contact of her boot on my bare side and felt the tingle of what I assume is pain rattle through my left side, to my right. Only to be cut off when a new sore of pain spread through my back. 

That was what I assumed was my body slamming against the front wall of the class. I kept my eyes clenched shut the whole time, only flinching the impact of the wall. I bounced right off and landed on the floor. 

"Yea...okay," I said between groans. 

*timeskip*

Lunch 

Midoriya pov 😗

It was finally lunch time after miss midnight taught us history. It wasn't my favorite subject, but I still look at pretty good notes. I'll be sure to read over them later in case we have a pop quiz or something. 

This lunch period is kinda more exciting than usual because I heard rumors that there is a new hero course student, and new additions don't happen often, so he is probably really good. 

After getting my food from lunch rush, I rushed over to my table where me, uraraka, iida, and todoroki sit everyday.

I plopped the food down onto the table and followed by sitting down and saying hi to my friends. It didn't take that long into their strange conversation about water volcanoes and cheese for me to zone them out in search of the new face. 

I don't really know everyone at U.A. that would be crazy. Still, I feel like I have enough knowledge to spot an obviously new face. Plus he is probably with the 1-b students right now. I scan over the whole lunch room, eager to say hi, but I don't see any new guys, or any new faces at all. 

Maybe the rumors were just rumors. That's really a bummed, I was hoping I could get yet another cool quirk to write about in my journal. 

Most of lunch was spent with my friends talking about weird things called memes (he calls them me me's) and me trying desperately to find the new guy. 

Until lunch was just about to end and in came a girl out of uniform, but she seemed to hold one in her hand. She looked fairly (tall/short) and had pretty (h/l) white hair. It seemed almost to glow as she walked in. To me the whole scene played slow motion, her hair bouncing up and down as she walked and the sports baggy jeans risking and falling. They teasingly revealed her belly button every other step as they lifted and sunk. 

I sorta wished she would have just put her uniform on because I feel pretty stupid for staring at her belly button. 

Her face was pretty too, catching the light above on her cheek bones(im sorry if u dont have prominent ones, just take out bones and leave it as cheeks) making her seem shiny.

I felt my face heat up uncontrollably before I felt a nudge on my thigh. 

"Hey deku, I heard that the new girl is actually a midnight daughter. She is in class b, and I guess this morning midnight kicked her against a wall." Uraraka whispered in my ear, loud enough for just the people at our table to hear.

Now that I think about it, everyone was whispering. 

"Midnight's daughter. Wahhh! Then she must have a quirk like midnights. If she does then it'll be hard for our classes to keep up with her. Midnights quirk is strong and considering the already rising testosterone level in the boys in 1st year, we could all-"

"Shut up you damn nerd"

I cut off my rambling and looked up to make eye contact with kachan. Why is he even over here? Is he here to beat me up? Or to get ochako? 

"Katsuki, that's not nice, plus he is right, what if she can seduce us."

Kachan only furrowed his brows, however me, iida, and even todoroki a little went red with the image in our minds. 

"Izuuukuuu"

"Baby, why do you keep looking at my belly button"

"Do you wanna show me how cool your quirk is"

"Nn Gg plus u-ultra"

Oh no. No. No. No. No. Well....wait. no. 

I took a quick glance back at the girl who had halted her movements. She seemed like she was frozen and had a big, wide smile plastered on her face. It was pretty cute. Like a little kid looking at candy. 

It almost felt like she was looking at me, but I didn't wanna wave, in case she wasn't. 

"Oh my, holy fuck, I knew this would pay off!!!!" She yelled, not even minding that the whole cafeteria now had eyes on her. 

She began running over to ...my table? Again it was slow motion, and again I kept looking at her stomach. I guess I don't see girls in short shirts often. I felt myself un-blush forcibly just for, you know, protection from bullies. 

"Boom boom, shit, I Promised I wouldn't do that. Fuck it. Hi, im l/n y/n and you are boom boom. Wait...."

"WHO THE HELL ARE YOU CALLING POOP YOU FUCKING EXTRA!"

My eyes can't pick who to look at and they keep going back and forth between the girl and kachan as they ....communicate. 

"No I called you boom boom." She dead panned 

"THE FUCK, YOU THINK YOUR CLEVER ON SUM SHIT?"

"Well, I am, and I do." Again the girl seemed completely serious. 

"WHO THE-"

"Wait, let's go back. You call people extras? Like in a movie, so then you think your the star."

"I AM THE FUCKING STAR YOU WORTHLESS PIECE O-"

"Babe, that's so much better! You're conceited too." She gushed 

"WHO THE HELL ARE YOU CALLING BA-" bakugou almost launched forwards but ochako grabbed his arm to pull him back. 

"You are kinda loud, but I guess that makes sense. Hey! I know, tell me something about yourself"

"STOP FUCKING INTERUPTING ME!"

"Oh, my bad hon, go on." She looked up at him like...oh. He is the candy she was looking at. 

"Fucking hell, im not your babe or your hun, extra. I'm not telling you shit about myself. Fuck you think this is, the sharing circle?"

The girl didn't speak for a minute, her face was quick to go from anticipating, to confused. What was she confused about? 

"I have a new idea" she instantly had a change of aura and her serious face remained, with one eyebrow cocked. 

She lifted her hand and pointed a finger at bakugou, then slowly walked forward. 

"How. About. You. Tell me what you are sharing..." she winked "circle is." 

I noticed that Ochaco , who was now a coward behind the kachan , flushed red. I don't think she was for the same reason as everyone else though. I could tell she was trying to be angry, but seemed to be failing. Bakugou seemed to notice this too.

I wonder why this girl is flirting with him right now, and what was with that nickname. 

"H-hey. Um do you two know each other or something."

"No" they replied simultaneously. 

"I-um..huh?"

"Oh, right, my bad. Hi, I already introduced my name, but I should explain. You are the attractive fire quirk boy I saw at the sports festival. When I saw how angry you looked, and the fucking DOPE aura you gave off, I begged to get transfered here. Got in on recomendaciones so I could meet you." She said not seeming to care about how truly creep that all sounds. 

"THE FUCK, YOU STALKER!ILL KILL YOU!" kachan screamed, subtly grabbing onto his girlfriend's hand, I suppose an effort to comfort her without being 'nice' 

"Hm? Oh...yeah. Well, you could say I am like a stalker. However, for a stalker i'm very pretty, so if you could just ignore that..."

"YOU AREN'T PRETTY BRAT, GO SUCK A DICK AND GET OUT OF HERE!"

"Well, that is what I came to you for..." she, again, had a serious aura change and a cocked eyebrow, this time retracting her finger to put her hands in her pockets. 

"I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND YOU SLUT" 

"Woah, woah, hey, calm down"

I get that he is trying to be protective, but calling a girl a slut is never okay. I wish I could fight back more, but it's not every hero- like to do so without talking first. 

"SHUT UP NERD" 

After that small exchange everybody's attention fell back to the girl. I think her name was y/n. She looked a bit defeated, I could tell she had a crush on kachan, even if it was small. Her face is blank but usually in situations like this girls get all...tears eyed and. Oh no. 

I stood up right next to her. 

"Dontcrydontcrydontcrydontcry"

"Huh?" She looked over at me confused. 

"Dont cry?"

"Why would I cry?"

"Because he has a girlfriend" Ochaco  seemed to be making her way out from behind kachan, also a bit nervous for if y/n was to get sad. 

"Oh, uhm, I guess i'll just have to be the better person for him or something?" She ...asked herself.

"I've never done this before, but the look in your eyes has a fire behind it, and I wanna see it up close. I'm not gonna give up, we only spoke this once and that's definitely not enough." She made eye contact with him the whole time. Even stated her words like fact. Now, it may have just been me, but he almost smirked. 

"That's all, see you in class later!" In class? She is in 1-b? Did she transfer? 

Ochaco  was now side by side with bakugou looking furious at the new girl. While I eerily peeked up at him and his scary red eyes. They did a quick, up and down movement...I don't think anyone else could have seen it, but I did. Then he went down again and stayed there a bit, he was looking straight past me, so I turned. 

There I saw...the new girls butt! He? He checked out her- oh no. Why do I feel like this is the start of something terrible for me....

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Hello new readers, it is me...the autor. Anyone who is ready for this is my favorite bc I don't get many ready. Also sorry for the horny midoriya, if I'm making the characters not innocent, he isnt an exception lmao. 

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[spideytrxsh]

Rules: you must answer these 85 statements and tag 20 people

I was tagged by Kate aka mom aka @iwillbeinmynest ily!

Tagging: @whothehellisbella @cartersbarnes @thepahlm @sgtbxckybxrnes @misshollander1 @thisisthetragicstoryofme @givemethatgold @spideycents @theassetseyeliner @poptartcalum @meunicorn @peter-benjamin-parkers @thesprintersoldier and whoever else because i dont have 20 friends and this is already a lot of work ok

1. drink? Peach tea

2. phone call? Eibhleann

3. text message? @thepahlm

4. song you listened to? Roxanne - The Police

5. time you cried? Today

6. dated someone twice? (Like the same person two different times?) No

7. kissed someone and regretted it? Yes

8. been cheated on? Yes

9. lost someone special? Yes

10. been depressed? Ya know

11. gotten drunk and thrown up? Nope because im smart and i dont really drink

favourite colors

12. Gold 13. Pink 14. Lilac

in the last year, have you… 15. made new friends? Yes

16. fallen out of love? Never

17. laughed until you cried? Always

18. found out someone was talking about you? Uhh I mean probably

19. met someone who changed you? Yes :)

20. found out who your friends are? Made some really cool ones that I know I can count on!

21. kissed someone on your facebook list? lol does my husband fiancee count? <- stealing Kate’s answer lmao

general 22. how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life? All of them

23. do you have any pets? Yes!!!

24. do you want to change your name? No

25. what did you do for your last birthday? Went out to dinner

26. what time did you wake up? 9ish

27. what were you doing at midnight last night? Texting 

28. name something you can’t wait for: my wedding

29. when was the last time you saw your mom? Last week

31. what are you listening to right now? The fan

32. have you ever talked to a person named Tom? I wish it was holland, but yes thats one of my roommate’s dad’s name

33. something that is getting on your nerves? Eibhleann. Sorry dude

34. most visited website? Tumblr or buzzfeed. I spend a lot of time taking quizzes. Im hawaiian btw

35. hair colour? Brown

36. long or short hair? Long, my face is too fat for short

37. do you have a crush on someone? Yes and it’s not Jordan. Scandelous

38. what do you like about yourself? I am a pretty good cook

39. piercings: Just me ears

40. blood type: O negative I tested it myself

41. nickname: Mae

42. relationship status: Engaged

43. zodiac: Aquarius

44. pronouns: She/her

45. favourite tv show: Agents of SHIELD

46. tattoos: Im afraid of needles

47. right or left handed: Both actually #funfact

48. surgery: Lots plus thats my job

49. piercing: ears. Didnt they already ask this

50. sport: Cheerleading & gymnastics all my life

51. vacation: Leaving for AUS in 6 days!!

52. pair of trainers: Black nikes

53. eating: Nothing ATM

54. drinking: Agua

55. i’m about to: sleep

56. waiting for? Jordan to get home

57. want? Sherbert

58. get married? next summer yo #maecarter2018

59. career? Retired lmao

60. hugs or kisses? Kisses. I literally kiss everyone

61. lips or eyes? Eyes

62. shorter or taller? Im shorter but I like taller

63. older or younger? what does this even mean stop exposing my daddy kink

64. nice arms or nice stomach? stomach

65. hook up or relationship? Relationship

66. troublemaker or hesitant: Troublemaker is the last word someone would use to describe me.

67. kissed a stranger: Yes. But we are getting married now so ? 

68. drank hard liquor: Yup and regretted it

69. lost glasses/contact lenses: No

70. turned someone down: Yes

71. sex on the first date: No

72. broken someone’s heart: Sadly

73. had your heart broken: Physically and emotionally

74. been arrested: No

75. cried when someone died: Yes

76. fallen for a friend: Yes

do you believe in… 77. yourself? Ehh

78. miracles? Yes

79. love at first sight? Yes, Im proof

80. santa claus? Yes. Why would you ask? Who the hell doesn’t? Who else would put the presents under trees? Parents? Then who would eat the cookies?

81. kiss on the first date? Yes

82. angels? yes

other 83. current best friend’s name: Grace 

84. eye colour: Brown

85. favourite movie: The way way back

[sloblesbian]

so last february when my parents were moving out of their apartment in pawtucket into the house they rent now, i went over to help move some stuff and check out the new house. while we were still in the apartment (which i loved... it was a really beautiful loft), i grabbed a hair elastic from my mom’s room, because my hair was just barely long enough to put up, and i had been using those tiny plastic elastics they sell in a little container of like, 500, + many many bobby pins, and a headband. i didn’t have any hair elastics of my own. anyway it was exciting for it to be finally long enough to put up, i kept the elastic, and every day, except for 2 days in january this year where i couldn’t find it (it was, for some reason, inside of a sock on my floor), i have used it to put my hair up, which is how i mostly wear it, bc i don’t know how to part it in a flattering way, and i don’t like when it touches my face. when i have my hair down, i wear it on my wrist. i have not used another hair elastic since. it’s very stretched out & today i finally bought some of my own. it occurs to me that i could do the same thing, pretty much, and have these elastics last me for the next two decades of my life, probably. 

i’m somewhat aware that i’ve been pretty steadfast in terms of personality, tho i like to believe i’ve mellowed out and just, in general, gotten better at being myself, but i have difficulty remembering who i was in the past. i can remember very specific events but in general it’s fuzzy. i know at one point in high school i had very long hair, until i cut it off- it was blue and i have it in a box somewhere. also when i moved out of state i grew out my hair again, mostly because i was absolutely miserable for many reasons and didn’t do anything but lie in bed. i can’t really remember what my opinion on having long hair was at the time though i can remember that both times i cut it i was relieved to hair short hair again. i liked having short hair, it was always very fun and mostly very easy. but i really like having long hair right now. it feels a lot like something i am doing because i enjoy it rather than like. something i am doing because i like the idea of it. i like how its always kind of sloppy because, well it’s my hair. of course it is. i don’t brush it, except when i comb conditioner thru it in the shower, and i just use my fingers for that. mostly it is easier because i dont have to worry about cutting it. i last got it trimmed in september and i will probably get it trimmed in september again. it’s nice and it fits into the image of me that im enjoying. 

which leads me to my next point, i guess. in august i am going on vacation with my family, my mom & stepdad & all four of my siblings, to florida to go to universal. which im looking forward to cause ive never been and i like doing stuff with my family. however. i have a problem (a gemini problem to say the least) where i present a side of myself that i think someone would most want to see, when im with them. with my family, and my mom especially, this is rly about my body... my mom knows what im like as a person, mostly, so it’s not like i would hide that (tho honestly... i hide all sorts of things from everyone for no reason whatsoever, all the time), but im very careful about what i wear when im around her............ specifically she doesnt know that a) i have my septum pierced (very easy to hide anyway) and b) i have a tattoo on my right arm (kind of difficult to hide but i have done it for 2 years for almost no reason.... whatsoever!). also. also. im very hairy- of course she knows this, but, i don’t shave, my legs, my armpits, anything, except my face (cause thats the only part that bothers me... very correlated to my anxiety tho i always forget that). the legs i know she knows about and it doesnt bother me so much cause i dont think she’ll say anything (cause she saw me in shorts last summer & was like ok w/e - thats right i wore a long sleeved shirt to cover my tattoo & shorts around my mother and she didnt say anything at all). mostly im worried about like, other people staring at me (this is such a huge fear with me now idk why). i might take some clippers to my legs to make them like... stubbly rather than a nice forest or w/e. thats fine. i guess the problem here is that, i need to tell my mom about some of these things before we go on vacation so she doesnt get upset about it, on vacation, or i dont try to wear a long sleeved shirt in florida outside doing things. because i will try. 

there are so many things that i dont care if people dont like about me, but its so hard when it’s your body because, there isn’t much i can do about it, it’s very personal to have someone uncomfortable with like... you but not you. 

like im already gonna be physically uncomfortable cause im fat and im bad at walking and my mom is super athletic & most of my family is very skinny & im very Very bad in the heat. i’d like to not worry about a) ppl looking at me b) my mom being upset about what i look like c) clothes not feeling right!! 

itd be nice to have an easy solution for this that didnt involve weird confrontations with my mom. i came out to her in an email bc i can’t stand to see her do emotions at me. 

[elvesofnoldor]

Chinese lunar new year actually went...pretty well for me!

I actually finished editing a video for the campus/student video service in 3 hours or so! Today is supposed to be the deadline so thanks shit! Although....one person was editing a video where they had people lip synched to “Can’t takes my eyes off you” in it, and that song along with “Goodbye Stranger” are two of the very few 60s-80s songs I had really soft spots for, so i couldn’t concentrated on editing for a while lmao. Tbh nobody else in the room could concentrate in the editing suite since who doesnt love that song? Also, while they were blasting this song from premiere pro, I couldn’t stop thinking about that super cute finnpoe headcanon where Poe sung this song to Finn with his squadron members/friends--I even imagined this very detailed little steven universe style comic thing in my head. Only if i just make myself fucking use the pad again (i mean im very out of practice but ugh) 

Later i went to a screening during this annual local queer film festival for one of my classes, and i??? love??? the??? film??? so much???? I went to two screenings last year too, both for class and for the sake of watching a film with friends. I was kinda on the viewing committee this year/last year fall...tbh it wasn’t exciting, i just got to watch all the films beforehand ( tbhi wouldn’t have been on the committee if i didnt wanna help out, cause i would have wanted an internship instead so i can put that shit on my resume :\). Today’s screening was “heartland”, and I actually didn’t watch the film beforehand because it has a contemporary western/country setting. It is, however, a lesbian film, and what do you know--wlw love story makes literally any genre 100% better!!! I dont know if this film is good enough to be shown at Sundance film festival or anything of that size, but it was very decently shot and the story is beautiful as well!! (I just googled the name and apparently there was a Canadian tv show called heartland as well, two women were in a cover art for the show but i dont know if that’s a lesbian tv show as well--doesn’t seem like it).

That film puts me in SUCH good mood, im gonna go watch san Junipero in a moment cause i didnt get to do that yesterday. Happy Chinese lunar new year to me alright, no awkward big meals with family members I barely talked to can compare to feast of good and wholesome sapphic medias!!! Taking a break from male centric narrative medias is legit a healing experience you all. 

There was a short wlw film screened before this as well--i watched that one and i liked it better now that it’s shown on a bigger screen and i got to watch it a 2nd time. The filmmaker is probably Chinese/Asian Canadian, since so was the main character, like idk it’s kinda intuition. They (she?) are chubby, they have short hair cut and they wore a pressed suit. I would have talked to them about the short film if i could find them. Anyways, I was walking in the snow after the screening and I just had this sudden urge to cut my hair. I wanted to cut my hair for a while now! It is a dandy-ish short cut that I wanted??? Kinda like Ruby Rose’s hair??? But maybe with less bangs??? My tumblr icon is Oscar Isaac from “two face of January”, I basically have his hair style in mind, and by that i mean the neatly combed classic men’s short cut with fringe of hair falling over the forehead. 

I never got around to get that haircut cause i KNOW my cheeks will look extra chubby/fat that way, and i never lost substantial enough amount of weight to make my face look....less chubby. I was sitting around doing nothing just so i can make sure when i do get that haircut in a unforeseeable future, I can achieve the thin androgynous lesbian look I always wanted. Now, I know that i’m conditioned to think that the only way i can look androgynous and desirable is to get thinner so my Asian features would look better, but it’s just....really hard to think outside of the conditioning. Yet just 2 hours ago, i was walking in the snow and I suddenly made a decision of cutting my hair when I couldn’t make that decision for at least two years now, all because I was thinking about that Asian female filmmaker standing up there in the screening room and speaking to the audience about their (her?) film and looking the way they do. i thought that if they could chill around with their chubby features and theirs hort haircut then i can fucking do that as well!! 

My mom used say around lunar new year: new year, new look! Maybe this is a sign that tells me it’s time for a new look! 

[thenameisbinx]

Blame Monday

ive been wanting to write down this entry since tuesday but i was busy trying to regulate my thoughts. Writing has always been my point of solace where in i find peace of mind and a completely different outlet as to talking to my friends about what im going through. i’ve set to making this entry in defining my roles and the effect of them. however, i ended up realizing its too complicated to describe. 

so let’s start it like this instead. 

Facade - a false, superficial, or artificial appearance or effect

OK. let’s not waste anytime by letting people see who you really are.  Smile for the audience and don’t show that your hurt, in pain, or depressed. Keep moving and show that you’re fine. be in everyone’s good graces. please them like a slave. adapt, change for them, plead for their acceptance. All the while, bury your thoughts of reality within you. you’ll get to that stage where youre always wanted. 

Reality bites. you keep wearing a mask for too long that you forget how to be weak, to be vulnerable. i learned that word when i was seven. one of the words you learn at that age where words originating from the french language. it was along the lines of “rendezvous” words or english classes that tries to teach different sounds of words that has literal sounding letters. When the teacher told us what it means, i always thought it was acting. Facade is a character that you want to play but not in a movie, but in your life. it dawned on me that ive been doing that awhile. since i could remember. Then i keep just playing along. 

Before, i would bring the sadness of my day by showing to the people that i’m ok. That it doesnt hurt. My mom pulled my hair and complained how thick it was, even if i was sitting still not wanting her to try to do my hair. called me, “worthless” and “incompetent”. instead of crying, i’d laugh and play around with some classmates the moment i get to school. Or the time that my sister made fun of how ugly i was in front of her friends, that i’m just an orphan. I just talked back and said, “Well, at least im not fat.” Then, there was this one time that my dad scolded me for trying to play in my undergarments, i wasnt naked but i was wearing a thick white top under my uniform and some thick shorts thats long enough to touch my knee under my skirt, like my friends were doing at school. i wore three layers everyday and wasnt allowed to take it off till i go home but i saw some kids doing it. took a layer off and played. i was 6. Dad dragged me out of my school yard and slapped me right in front of the guard. Don’t get me started with my brother. let’s just say, he never made me feel like im important in the family. he’s the only person that treats me like im nothing and no one until now. like my opinions didnt matter, or as if what i do doesnt have any relevance. yet, i’m the jolly one. the funny one. the energetic one. the loud one. the push over. easy definition, the masochist. Harsh but partially true.  

Now, implications. still, verbal cues. like, “lazy”, or “stupid”. in the family, its more verbal but emotional responses. Mostly they cuss, or scream or yell. If i reciprocate the same but not intentionally, i still get scolded. i cant talk back because im just the help. i’m obligated to do what they want me to. Even if im tired from work. Even if i just got dumped. Even if my mind is going through some stuff. 

what you dont know. i go through these every day and i don’t bring it at work or when i go out with “friends”. I’ll go to work with a smile on my face like nothing bad ever happened to my life. i’d put that big smile on my face and just laugh things out. Remember just the little good things that happened and seemingly move on, but i don’t. its slowly sinking into my chest. Subconsciously weeping like a baby, consciously aware that during a meeting i’d want to cry just because i couldnt keep it in a box. i’d clench my fist as if im waiting for my palms to bleed because it crate wasn’t chained shut. it oozes when you can’t regulate. 

Obedient -  submissive to the restraint or command of authority

the words “dont” and “do” are basic commands to me. any question that has “did” are immediate doubt on me or even the start of the sentence “have you” makes me quiver already. i was taught to obey a form of authority. Parents, older siblings, uncles, aunties, prefects, teachers, apparently, anyone who is older. so when someone says, “believe me” or “did you know”, i immediately am in awe. i believe them. the fun fact is stuck in my head. i pass down the knowledge or experience. There’s another word for obedience, gullible.

i was once asked by my brother to go through trash when i was a kid. because he threw something he shouldnt. i was asked to do my sister’s homework because my mom overheard her asking me to do so. i was told by my so called friends to ask people for their numbers for them for their friendship in exchange. I have reached the point that i feel guilty when im not doing what people ask me to. 

imagine working. imagine dating. imagine meeting new people. i can paint a picture but it’s too painful. Subconsciously, i thought i have removed that side of me. unfortunately, reflecting on the past few days, NOPE. i thought my defensive stature in every decision ive made was and the only way to take off that obedience or gullible card. Looks like i have been. being conditioned this way from the very beginning makes it seem impossible to take off. Obedience equals to gullibility. Refusal equals to guilt. 

my dad comes home drunk one time, asked me to give him his gun to point at my brother. i said no, he shook me. no one else stopped me but i obeyed. i talked to my sister’s friends once. she told me never to talk to them and beat me up till i had bruises on my stomach. i wanted to cry when one of her friends talked to me. so i ran away. i wasn’t allowed to sleep until i memorized multiplication set of 9. it was 3AM, i woke up on the bathroom toilet. my mom woke up and asked me to recite it. closed the door and told me to recite it till i said the right answers. there’s consequences if i dont follow. i took that till adulthood. 

i have guilt if i don’t do what i was asked to. more guilt if i really decide not to. it consumes me till i finally give in. i feel regretful right after. then, i completely try to forget. that never happened. ever tried telling your boss no? i learned how to say no last year. i had multiple speeches dedicated to me with people saying, “Do you even know how to say no? do you even hear thank you?” i feel obligated to do what people want. i feel obligated to give what people want or need without being asked to. let’s stop there. i sound stupid. 

Strength -  legal, logical, or moral force;  degree of potency of effect or of concentration

People see what i want them to see. Facade comes into this picture. i’m always strong. can never show my weakness. if i do, i lose. if i don’t, i lose internally. i’ve been playing the supergirl card all my life. issue is, i’m always alone. always the savior never the saved. 

Superhero syndrome. ever heard that song Superman? 

It may sound absurd but don't be naive Even Heroes have the right to bleed I may be disturbed but won't you concede Even Heroes have the right to dream It's not easy to be me

my whole life revolves three things; work, home, friends. i always wanted to be alone, but i don’t survive it much. never felt wanted anywhere, even if its family or friends. then, work came. loved it because it was the only place the NEEDED me. but seems that i wear my cape there everyday. to the point that i couldnt be clark kent there either. always strong, never vulnerable. 

been saying lately, im tired of being strong. then Monday came. That’s that for strength, it’s pretty self explanatory on my side. it’s too literal of a section so i hope this would suffice. for the last of the entry. 

Tired -  drained of strength and energy

Trigger : work

Action : Resignation

Symptoms : Nausea, shaking hands and knees, vomiting, clouded vision, crying, Lack of sleep, loss of appetite, lack of motivation, heavy breathing, sleep paralysis, sleep apnea

Diagnosis : Unknown

Working Impression : Panic Anxiety Disorder

i’ve defined some of my roles. a glimpse of my mind and soul but to the people i’ll be send a link of this too, i bet you only know some. some, would even say they never knew. you know, i dont share my feeling or these heavy stories. seemed irrelevant. one time, 1st grade. i shared a problem about the family to a friend. This ‘friend’ made it seem too petty to the point i avoided sharing problems since then. i feel like any problem i have has no value to others. so i keep it in. just me. maybe a few blank pages. some ink. mostly tears. by myself. on my own. 

when i feel bad, or depressed when i was a kid. i would cry faintly inside my closet. come out after an hour or two. wiping tears of my face. i got caught once, by my dad. i just said, nope i was just checking my closet. i acted as if what he said before that point was ok. i step out when i feel weird and want to cry. ive learned how to cry heavily without showing an expression or even in a quiet manner. Congrats to me, i brought that till adulthood. 

Until Monday. i tried to put up my mask. but couldnt. i tried to be strong. but couldnt. i tried to obey. but couldnt. i remember asking my boss recently, can i be selfish? all my walls broke down in one day. all my optimism. my positivity. and i thought that i can do it. what people saw of me, they couldnt recognize me. 

i showed me. the weak one. couldnt even get myself to fake it. fake being strong, fake happiness, no mask. i couldnt even try. i was just done. even basing on what ive written on this entry, getting tired wouldnt be an option just yet. i didnt even talk about love or difficulties. i only got to write down instances. i was just done pretending.

since that day, i couldnt regulate. i associated almost everything and get anxious about everything. seeing the exit to my work makes me tense. walking to the building tightens my chest. getting inside makes me palpitate. claustrophobic. i dont usually breathe heavy but the doctor said breathing exercises would help. SOMETIMES it does. but not everytime. 

it took years to learn how to regulate these thoughts that i experience daily and i feel like i have to go through two decades again to learn how. i didnt lose myself, thats for sure. but i feel like im not strong enough to stay in one place anymore. to have the same people in my life anymore. i want to leave. i want to disappear. 

you know what i did after i broke down on my boss? i sat in a Starbucks branch in Molito. and starred out the window for two hours. spaced out. even my friends knew i dont do that. i felt like i died and im just the undead walking around doing my daily routine. 

why am i writing this? it’s 2:35AM. nearly sleepy by the way. i’m writing this for me to realize something. i already just did. i just realized that what people knew of me, wasn’t me. what you see and experience of me now, is the true me and i dont like it. i want to be wild binx on good days. bea when im home. bianca when im at work. looks like i can’t be that for a while. 

to those im sending this link to, i hope you read the whole thing. so you really know where i’m at. youre worried or concerned yea? well, here i am. here it is. i’m sorry im dumping my indifference this way. i’m sorry that im burdening you of my petty problems. i’m sorry i cant be myself. i’m sorry i cant be that person you knew. 

blame Monday. 

[signednotme-blog]

Dear Future Me...

I've tried to be the girl, I grew up being told that's what I was and from the age of three to about Fourteen I fought it and refused to be what they wanted I was a girl I knew that and I had long hair literally back then long hair was the only way to tell I was a girl. I hate long hair I always have I wanted it short from well the age I could make up my own mind but my mom wouldn't let me she likes long hair the boys had to have long hair too but they always got to keep it a little short I had to have this thin blonde hair all the way down the bottom of my back, a big sign yelling hey I'm a girl and that's what everyone thought an till they got to know me I was one of the boys forever getting dirty getting in fights and forever bleeding from somewhere. I always knew I wasn't one of the 'girl's' and I wasn't really one of the boys either I guess I didn't really know where I fit in and I don't know if I ever will know but I'm trying so hard to find me even though I'm terrified that I'm going to disappoint people. And I've never wanted to do that even though it seems like that's all I've been doing my whole life.

As a kid my mom wanted me to wear dresses and have my hair all nice and I hated dresses I actually cut one up once and pretended that I didn't know it was my dress.

My older sister was always on at me to do make-up and go shopping with her to buy pretty clothes I never did and she hated that but then she moved away when I was about eleven and I hated it because I know now it wasn't because of me but I always felt that she moved away because I wasn't the sister she wanted which she made clear to me growing up. From then on as she came to visit and I missed her more and more I gave in little by little I thought something was wrong with me I just wanted my sister. I just wanted to be loved and accepted because I never felt like I was hell I still don't but I think its more because I grew up being told who I am, what I am and I don't accept myself.

I went to an all girls school because it had a good dyslexic program but also because I thought maybe going there would make me the girl my mom wanted because if I went to a mixed school I'd just end up being friends with all the boys and nothing would change.

When I got to about thirteen I had never had my period and being at a girls school wasn't making me more of a girl and my friend there told me that your not a woman till you get your period and in my child brain that meant 'oh that's why I'm different I haven’t got one yet' and I started freaking out going to doctors to find out why it hadn’t started and it didn’t start until I was about fourteen and then when It did it felt wrong it still didnt make a diffrence and it just made me feel so uneasy and want to hide away (it still does it feels like my insides are telling me what ive been told my whole life your a girl your meant to be a girl). Around this time I also found out that I liked girls and thought I was gay because I hadnt been around any boys for a long time and didnt really have any crushes on any and I did this one girl everyone hated her including me a lot of the time but I just couldnt shake her and then I started looking at things about being gay and I started to think that's the reason Im different because back then the lesbian stero type was these girls that looked like men. So at fourteen I cut all my hair off and I felt more like me just because I had short hair and people called me him out on the street and I had to correct them because well if I didn't the people I was with would and I didn't really understand why being called she/her girl/lady left a pit in my stomach and he/him boy/lad didn't

I started college and on the first day my teacher called me him and I was so scared that someone would think I was lying if I just said yes or just went on with it. So I corrected him and that was possibly a big mistake because after that began the bullying girls coming up to me and saying I'm ugly im gross im fat im a lesbo (at this point I knew I was bisexual and had only just came out) I had anger issues so I just yelled back most the time and started fights but when id be called gay I had to say im not because I actually kinda wanted to get either a boyfriend or girlfriend at some point I was fifteen at this point this went on till the day I left. I never told anyone how bad it got but there was times my teachers took me out of class to ask me what was happening and if I was okay and this is when I became good at acting because I didn't want to be another problem I didn't want my parents to know so I just acted bubbly and fine till they wasn't looking or stopped asking. This is when I actually started self harming because I just felt so wrong in my own skin it was like I just needed to get out it wasn't me... it isn't me.

When I was sixteen I was still in college with the same people the same comments the same bullying... telling people just made it worse so I stopped but they carried on and I had to deal, my attendance became really bad and I didn't want to go because stepping in to that classroom or sometimes just out side the college made me want to die and I couldn't take it so I stopped wanting to go because I knew that my family couldn't handle what I wanted to do when I was there. I went in once and I met a new boy who had started (my first boyfriend) and he liked me the way I was even though I looked like a boy and he was okay with it and that gave me so much more confidence but then when word got out that the boy all the girls wanted got with me a little tom boy that everyone hated they gave me even more grief and I couldn't take it I gave in and brought my first girl clothes started doing make up and they stopped not completely but it got better so I kept up the sharade and I got some peace but I started to hate myself because I started having to make sure I looked like a girl all the time or id start to panic and I couldn't breathe, I stopped eating and then started cutting and my mom saw this as me just wanting attention but it had nothing to do with that it had nothing to do with anything she thought it was she didn't even ask me why I was doing it or how I felt she told me why and I said no but I could never really say because I didn't even understand.

I left college but I kept up the girl make-up and stuff I actually started to like doing make up and I still do but I don't like the fact people just think I'm a girl because of make up there's lots of boys who wear make-up. When I was about eighteen I started hanging out with a group of people who I now regret hanging out with. One night I went over my then friends house and her other friend was there we started drinking and talking then I only remember bits and pieces because we think I was drugged the last thing I remember before the lights went out in my head was me talking to her friend and openly gay man who dressed like a 'girl' wore make up and was 100% who he wanted to be and I was there pretending to be a girl and I broke down and I think that's the first time I ever told anyone I was a boy and that I wanted to die because that was easier than pretending but I couldn't die and I couldn't tell anyone because no one would understand and I had to be there for everyone.

That was when my spiral really began I started going crazy I started sleeping with my brothers friend and I started sending nudes and doing anything I could to remind myself I'm a girl and I convinced myself I was given this body for a reason to please people and thinking that made it easier. Later that year I started a tumblr dedicated to me showing off my body for it to give other people joy because it never gives me any ever. I started getting more body confident because I knew my body had a reason for being my body I had to use it I like making other people happy so I did, my body didn't make me happy but it did others which made me happy and it gave me the strength to get up in the morning.

I'm nineteen now and my mom's friend found my tumblr and my mom questioned me as to how id feel if my family saw it or how it makes me feel people looking at them and I just said it doesn't bother me because the body I've got the body I was showing they see it as my body but to me its a stranger its not me to me I have a flat chest, I'm a boy and I want to be seen as that. When I started weight training and going into body building I wasn't doing it to get healthy I just wanted to be more built and dad always told me that your chest gets smaller and its true it does and I wanted that I want to be seen as the guy I feel I am but that's never going to happen so ill keep pretending an till either I cant or I die and either way you keep telling me to be myself but then you call me a girl and tell me that's who I am.

My hairs long again and it kills me my chest isn't flat and it feels like I'm dying my body isn't big built and that makes people see me as a girl and I want so hard to say sorry I'm a guy don't know why you think different but I cant because they don't ant me to be and they know who they are and I'm never going to be who I am because I don't like choosing myself over other people.

Signed..... Date: 04/08/2018

Not me.

[sh-lan]

i’m always late for these now but oh well

i can’t believe i’m making an ebay account happy new year LOL

Third day of the new year!

Went to hangout with ryan and leighton. They wanted to try marugame udon so!!! Also i saw adam but didnt say hi, oops. In any case. We were like hey let’s do something like walk around! But it rained a little so we bought some cuties from trader joe’s and ended up at ryan’s house and basically sat in his kotatsu for 4 hours then i came home. I also finally know how it feels like when the manga says that your legs get tangled inside the kotatsu. And when you literally cannot get out of it. Plus the feeling of losing the ability to walk because ya gurl tried to stand up after crawling out of the kotatsu and just fell back down What a day LOL

my brain in general has forgotten how it feels like to study …oh dear

Mommy helped me dye my hair yesterday! It’s lighter than i thought but it was the gray ochre color from palty! And it smells like grape hichews Facetimed vania & yuri today and they noticed the color! And then facetiming with dad and he also noticed LIKE WOW I DIDNT REALIZE PEOPLE COULD TELL? <3

I want a lot of cute phone case but idk what and where to get EDIT: i am still having this problem

I just saw the golden year of the dog items from starbucks korea AND I WANT EDIT: also want the starbucks x pantone planner fml EDIT EDIT: did not end up buying anything good job deborah lan

i was right muster merch colors ARE BEAUTIFUL

The muster merch fmu EDIT: clearly i was overwhelmed with the colors because there were two separate drafts in a row lol

The company insists on having two references….

And now they said they chillin with a peer reference SO I PHONED A FRIEND (aka vania) bless her soul

jan 10th l i f e u p d a t e got the first job offer of my life!! (well official full time offer lol) and so it looks like i’m going to portland? :O

Wow i joined a GO for muster merch New year new me and goodbye money 탕진잼 탕진잼 탕진잼

Wow im glad i submitted the form to get muster merch because THEY ARE SO CUTE AND PRETTY. Okay but i really want PCs so i sincerely hope bighit has some sense and ship PC sets abroad when you order multiple other items Also didnt realize the lenticular key rings would be a hot item but seriously they are so much more adorable than i thought?? Jk’s key ring is so cute i cri EDIT: just found out about no acrylic stand )))): EDIT EDIT: didn’t get squat because ARMYs jump all over everything any time anything is released...

finding housing is hard and i can’t believe that i actually see an appeal to living in downtown…

fmu because bt21 getting released online BUT I REALLY SHOULDN’T BUY but also i finally got my package from jen! ugh omg the bag charms are so cute i don’t know whether to actually use them or keep them in their boxes ;__; and she included some mediheal masks! finally also sent vania her tata as a thank you gift~

deokrim stickers are too cute ima buy two sets

And ugh wow i cant believe i chanced upon cornpeu shop reopening im ded Vania and i didnt catch the timing for bt21 and now i’m still dumping money on bts things HAHA EDIT: not even 15 min after writing this, i bought the stuff from cornpeu lel (which couldve been used to buy the cushion so idk man) time to go preorder for deokrim maybe?

Wow my left hand hurts like shit did i really break it playing superstar bts like mom said? No way right

Ahhhh got my muster merch in the mail today and it’s so niceeee *^* Ima stick that washi tape like everywhere LOL

I hurt myself four different times today smh

In portland for the weekend! I deadass ate two packets of honey roasted peanuts on the plane ride over because i didnt realize i was so hungry and now i’m just waiting for the pimples to cOME ;__;

I walked into a stationery store in portland and just. FOUND MY PEACE. jk but i bought some stickers i been looking at online blesssss

No. Tax. Anywhere. (So far)

I had coke last night after my flight and i legit didnt feel tired until 3:30am oops

Omfg i cant believe someone was selling the trust issues photobook by snowpeach in the luce in altis project for $15 last night WOW LIKE THE FEW DAYS I DONT CHECK SHIT, THERE’S ALL KINDS OF SHIT I WANT. $15 is so cheap ;___;

went to portland with alice to check out apartments!!! woot. lots of fun going around/looking at the city. landed on thursday night and waited at the airport for alice and ate mcdonalds/watched the office haha friday: alice had work all day ): so i went out to meet up with yuri and leslie who happened to be out in portland too! walked to the alberta arts district to eat with them at pok pok noi. just walked around afterwards exploring in the rain before getting back home to eat dinner with alice at like 8…lol we went to bamboo sushi in sw and alice treated me to omakase as a congrats on getting my new yob!! woot also did some walking around in the neighborhood - will likely spend quite a bit of time in the powell city of books! saturday: the day we actually went out to see properties! grabbed some blue star donuts and headed into nw district - looked at some apartments and then grabbed lunch at this cute italian place that i will most likely frequent. started talking to alice about stuff and being weak, i cried and then we got free hazelnut ice cream…LOL. it was really good sunday: since we toured places that i actually liked yesterday, we basically just decided to walk around different areas. waterfront park, pioneer square…we spent a while in nordstrom rack and sephora looking for stuff for alice! lol. then dinner again at bamboo sushi and dessert at salt & straw :> monday morning: waking up early to get to the airport for alice’s flight. bought more donuts at the airport for mom! then i sat at the airport watching the office and eating until the airplane ride where i got a whole row to myself~

and that was my portland trip shortened LOL. but~ excited about the new city, definitely excited about the donuts!

Furniture shopping is hard Moving is hard Everythinf comes down to money S M H

Got approved for my apartment today!! #excited

legit on phone calls for an hour getting stuff down and ready. now to wait on emails so i can get to the next step to sign my lease!

It’s been hot in sf like ??? In other news, i put coconut oil in ma hair - let’s see how it feels tomorrow! :O EDIT: idk, it didn’t feel different?

Omg feb 5th: suddenly a day where i can play hard mode on ssbts wow what a day

I just saw the new bts game where you get to “live chat” the boys as the user becomes the manager and takes care of the bois I am literally gonna die All armys gonna die Why do they do this to us …BECAUSE THEY KNOW WE’LL NEVER BE THEIR MANAGERS

Today i threw away my first lip tint because it looked funky funks and was like dying Good bye you were good to me - onto more an new lip tints! On another note. The balenciaga cap is $350??!?!

Being fat today and ordered three desserts with han at creations. And then went to the beach because pokemon but ended up star-gazing and it was niceee

Just came across its it ice creams on IG and since it’s been so hot (cause like spring came early or something??) i want it!! Also, it’s like the only time i ever consume oatmeal raisin cookies (unless they just oatmeal - in which case, delicious) But omg i didnt know strawberry is an OG flavor? Althought mint reigns supreme. But. GREEN TEA??

A BUMBLEBEE FLEW INTO MY HOUSE THE OTHER DAY AND I WAS ALONE AND COULDNT HELP also raided mewtwo yesterday!! Woot. Surprisingly got the gym bonus after much hardwork but dayum caught with only one ball LOL

Ever since that one time on the airplane with the weird ass headache/tension above my left eyebrow….i got like two headaches in a week that were like that. Also in between those, my right ear hurts and honestly…am i broken somewhere cause lel Body please get better

Lmao so last time i put on a screen protector, i cracked it in two days cause i dropped it. And i just put on a new one last week and lo and behold, it hath cracked again but this time, in my purse. I’m so ????? Smh

Landed in portland once again with han for move in!! Woke up super early…. Just went to target/tj maxx to buy stuff. Smh should’ve bought a swiffer and gotten it sent here ): Got a shower rug! THE SOFT SQUISHY ONE. But failed in the shower curtain department cause it’s too short… Makeshift bed with blankets and bed sheets lol…we shall await the mattress coming in tomorrow~ Do have quite a bit of stuff to buy in general…): Anyways. Had a burrito for dinner and like ?!! Aluminum foil gave me an aluminum cut so…ow No internets yet - good thing han downloaded some movies!

My cuticles are dying because my hands are dry and wow this is terribad

Went and bought a shitton of strawberry chocolates for 50% off at cvs MUAHAHA

Went to macy’s (or we’ve been going often since it’s going out of business so things are going on sale) and got the seiko watch i was kinda eyeing last time. ONLY TO FIND OUT (forgot to check on amazon) that it was 38 dollahs cheaper ;__; but. EHHH it’s all good. Seems like the one on amazon has strap problems being too smol so…like, it’s totally chill

February 19th

My first day of work!! Went in earlies and had onboarding for about two hours with amother new hire. Then i returned to my room where i met my coworker and my manager! Both of whom are in the same room and we each have a desk. (Ima have to request a standing desk :O) anywayss. Got a company laptop - thank god it’s not bulky. And then i’ve got two monitors on my desk too! #bless

Then jlw went through more ux stuff with me and i also went to a stand up meeting. Like. Those are real man. Then went to company lunch! Where new hires introduce themselves and i realize that i have never used a dishwasher before and everyone was shookt lol.

Afterwards, i went to a sprint meeting AND BOIIIII PLANNING POKER DOE??? Lololol. I have to say i did not understand a single thing that was going on. Took about an hour and a half…

Anyways. went back in where jlw continued where she left off and then finally let me read some onboarding stuff on my own before she headed out at 4 and then me, leaving swiftly at 4 as well LOL

SO that was my first day! Trying to get everything in order - i hope that everything goes great and that i learn lots and lots! :> although…windows computer already killing me, no wonder people use mouses instead of the trackpad. Also…gotta learn Axure + in depth photoshop so…WOOT WOOT

Oh and we also have a huge snack cabinet i might just become a potato

Light snowfall is so pleasant :>

Bucketlist checklist:

Eat alone - check! First lunch break :> (exciting!)

Watch a movie by myself - check! Love, Simon

Second day - drank too much coffee while i’m still weak against caffeine. It’s 1:26am. HNNNGH

i got really bored at work today because even though it’s week 2 now, i was done with my shit at like 2pm so i just started looking at axure tutorials for another however long until 4:30 LOL side note: might actually do my post-its idea thing then i realize that i didn’t bring any post-its over to portland… also i cracked my screen again today because i slammed it on the counter while trying to save it from falling so did i really save it….

bought rice and shin ramen on amazon lel

Gonna try out my post it idea in the office tomorrow. Hope it goes well 🤞

2/28/17 First ever happy hour but also goodbye party for kyle - also like the first time i talked to him since the one and a half week i been there (minus when we introduced ourselves) but sads cause he was kinda a squish and everyone seemed to have a chill time working with him :/ oh well

ALSO THE FIRST DAY THAT YA GURL GOT PAID $$$ (which is just directly going to rent - oh the woe of getting paid bi-monthly LOL)

Wow i did a great job sticking on my phone screen protector! #yes EDIT: no i didnt. It’s blocking the camera slightly on top smh

Ya gurl cut her finger on a tape measure lmfaooo

Alice came two weekends in a row to help me buy and build stuff and daymn. That was some hard work and tbh i only built a shelf and a bed LOOOOL I think ima go for the sofa + table rather than the desk. I think it might work! Also went to ashun market. Good weekend :>

I went bowling today!! It was an engineering celebration so i thought - why not, let’s be social for a little bit. And it turned out to be fun~ we had some fuds and i played two rounds. And I got a strike in one of the rounds! Woot woot. Anyways. It was enjoyable, not as awkward as i had envisioned. Also i was able to successfully catch the bus home so that was great :>

I think i’m reverting back to my eating habits because there are ENDLESS SNACKS IN THE OFFICE. Oh dear

Really actually thinking about that dicon photobook because the pictures are so nice :<

ALSO FINALLY FCKIN DISCOVERED ELECTRICITY CHARGE ON KWH DIFFERS ON A MONTH TO MONTH BASIS in addition to usage. Wow the things you discover and uncover as you adult

Also city of portland why do you have a base charge of $11???????

Ahhh xfinity wifi was too good to be true Apparently only 5 devices could connect to it at one time. So i guess i gotta shop for internets now…LOL EDIT: NAWP. ALL GOOD. THAT WAS FOR HOME HOTSPOT. WOOT

Lmao my manager went to ucsd when marshall was still called third im

In other news. It looks like my one on one anxiety wont dissipate soon. Esp since last week, the vp of engineering just sent me a calendar invite for a one on one and i literally got stressed out for a straight 30 min before i said yes to the invite and could slowly go back to focusing on work lol…. EDIT: it ended up being around 15 minutes and i did not really enjoy it at all

We are bulletproof pt 2 came on today while i was walking and i still cannot believe that the first lines still got me smiling like a fckin idiot

Ok so i finally talked to this girl at work (who i think is really pretty omfg) the other day and she’d been curling her hair recently and as we were walking out of the bathroom i was like I REALLY LIKE YOUR HAIR And then she said my hair is so straight and healthy - “do you straighten it? It’s really pretty” and i’m just over here crying on the inside because it looks like hay and only happened to be really straight that day for god knows what reason. SO BASICALLY THE STARS ALIGNED JUST SO WE COULD HAVE THIS CONVERSATION Also she said she recently bought a curler that just “does it for you” and gurl i need that because idk how to DO ANYTHING TO MY HAIR UGH

I woke up with the blankets already nicely proportioned off the sides of my bed - so i just crawled out without making my bed today lool

Thought i could handle watching burn the stage but i saw the screenshot of jungkook lying down and it already broke my heart Need to be secluded with some tissues ;__;

A two day trip to see The Rose in seattle or a five day trip in san diego… 🤔🤔🤔

last day of march went to lunch with my coworkers for the first time and i actually enjoyed it! it was fun :> glad that my coworker actually dropped by the office to invite us to lunch~

good friday today because:

lunch was good

really honestly did nothing because we were troubleshooting visual studio

also basically did nothing because double sprint planning and retro LOL

HEADING HOME FOR THE WEEKEND UNTIL WEDNESDAY

#gotpaid

but no joke, on the ride to the airport, i got carsick and i honestly didn’t even know that was possible but if you think about it, i basically haven’t been on any kind of transportation for at least a month… also my uber driver is like some viet gangsta or something that gets pulled into the room every time he tries to go to canada O_O LOL

Deadass trying to save money but The rose concert in seattle, want to make an sd trip, want the 2k18 asia trip But also bts comeback sometime during the first half of the year and SUDDENLY WANNA ONE IS GOING TO HAVE A WORLD TOUR??? Dammit dude DAMMIT

My heart dies a little every time my coworker comes by and invites me to lunch with everyone *ugly sobs* Dies a little in a good way - just for clarification LOL

Mom dyed my hair for me! And it was darker than i thought BUT GREAT. Curiously enough, after two washes…it’s already lightening?? NO PLEASE STAY DARK. PLEASE. EDIT: lol i realized there was another “mother dyed my hair” somewhere on top lel. just for clarification - nobody else dyes my hair including myself cause i am incapable lOL

omfg i just saw the we bare bears x spao collab AND THEN FOUND THE ADVENTURE TIME X SPAO CLOTHES, SO CUTE!!! the jake and bmo hoodie )):

didn’t realize that i missed them so much ;__; we thought we would all die with the black hair but actually they just killed us with softness good thing they didn’t come out with foreheads lOL

okay lol basically that’s it because nothing happens in my life although i realze that i video recorded a lot of experiences and they’re all just video files sitting on my phone and that’s why maybe i haven’t been writing any everyday things down :O will i ever edit them? unclear

in any case - planning lots of fun things for the months to come hopefully!

[journalsofmylife-blog]

2- April 4th, 2017

welcome back to another journal entry. this one is for everyone who bullied me. everyone who is bullied and doesn’t know what to do. to the people who get objectified by their bodies. to the people who were taken advantage of.

when i was little i was bullied for everything. one day i would be to skinny, the next i would be too fat. my hair wouldnt be right or i would be too loud or too quiet. sometimes it was about how i did dance and not soccer like everyone else. how my nose is too big for my face and how i have these wierd spots on my hips that flatten out. as i got older, i got bullied less, it still happened, but less. i guess my bullies thought there was someone out there who “deserved” their taunts more than i did. in middle school it started again. we were finally able to express ourselves in our clothes, wear what we want to and be who we wanted to be. a new start. i had moved away from all my friends in 4th grade. i moved again in 5th, to a town that sends their kids to the school my old friends went to, and moved back in 9th.

people came up to me all through those first few days of middle school like “you know you remind me of this girl everyone hated at our school. you look a lot like her.” i didnt want to be that girl, even if i knew it was me they were talking about. i wanted to be the one everyone liked and wanted to be friends with. i stopped eating, and when i did eat, i puked it up. i bought bras even though i didnt need them, i wore them to make it look like i had boobs. sometimes i even stuffed the bras to make them look bigger, fuller. i definitely perfected how to get the tissues to not look lumpy. i changed what i wore to match the popular girls. short skirts, 1000 rings on my fingers, hot pink nails and expensive ugg boots with the bows on the back, worn specifically with knee high socks pulled up slightly above the top of them. i talked to boys and smiled and laughed a lot, talked a little in class, just a little though so i wouldnt seem too smart but just enough where i wouldnt seem dumb. i agreed with what other people said even if i didn’t actually agree. i changed myself. fast forward to spring of that year. slut. hoe. whore. tease. bitch. loudmouth. that was just the start. in 7th grade i had people calling me names that i didnt even know existed.

i dressed like everyone else i did what everyone else did i changed myself for that. why weren’t they being called those why was it just me. i was a slut because i wore skirts i was a hoe because i talked to a lot of guys i was a whore because apparently i “did things with more than one of them.” i was a tease because i didnt do things with them. a bitch because i protected myself. a loudmouth because i finally said the truth.

i realized i needed to be myself. that being those girls wont make me popular or funny or change anything about me being the girl no one liked. but it was me. that girl no one liked was me and i used to be proud of her. i started wearing my clothes again. stopped wearing those stupid bras i didnt need. my uggs are still in the back of my closet to this day. i express myself through my clothes and show my personality even though no one wanted that.

i decided to be loud and talk a lot to anyone. i decided to do the things i love. continue dance, which led to cheerleading. i took pride in my nose and those flat spots and i fixed my eating problem. i thought everything was back to how it was before. until 8th grade hit.

this was the year guys started noticing things like boobs and how short our skirts were. this was the year everyone started dating. it was also the year that instead of people dating me, they objectified me. im not gonna lie, i do have a butt and big thighs. they get in the way. i have to jump into all my pants, whether they be jeans or leggings or sweatpants. everything is always tight. my curves came out that year. the small waist and big hips. it all made it hard to find clothes that didn’t show it all off. the guys thought that coming up behind me and grabbing my ass or whistling as i walked by was the right thing to do. i got asked to do things i didnt want to and when i said no i was a tease or a “pussy.” guys would come up to me and be like “my parents wont be home until late, wanna come over?” and when i said no, they would be like “why not? so and so said you were easy. he got some. why cant i?” thats when the world stopped spinning. everything just froze.

at this point and time i didnt know what to do. i had an older friend, well, actually, a boyfriend named paul* who i told everything to. i thought i was in love with him, and that he was in love with me. he was older, i was 13 and he was 15. i thought he knew all. he ended up moving away right before i turned 14, by then he was 16. i told him all this was happening and he told me it would be okay. i believed him. later that night he asked me if before he moved i wanted to “take it to the next level” just to “ensure he stayed my boyfriend” when he left. i was planning on breaking up with him. 3000+ miles away was too much. i told him no, and went home for dinner. i went back afterwards to apologize because he seemed upset and he just kissed me, telling me it was okay, he wasnt upset. and it happened. i told him no i screamed i tried everything i could to get him off of me, but there was no one around to hear my screams. my cry for help. he told me i wanted it and that i told him it was okay when i talked to him about the boys in school. i knew i didn’t.

i didnt tell anyone about that night. not my mom. not my step mom. not even my best friend. no one knew. not until his younger brother told his best friend that paul had gotten some from me. that i liked it. that i just gave it to him when he asked. and then the rumors started again. i started getting catcalls and those same words showed up. whore. slut. hoe. bitch. every time i closed my eyes those words went through my head with images of what he did to me. and i started to believe it. i cried myself to sleep for months. i didnt eat much, and when i did, i threw it all up. the bulimic tendencies were back. the smiles so people dont know how much pain i was actually in, were back. and the scars on my hipbone, the scars in the creases in between my thighs and hips were created. i hurt myself because i felt thats what i deserved. thank you paul for taking what made me innocent away when i didnt ask. for making it so i dont trust the good guys, so i gravitate towards those who will hurt me. for making me believe that love doesn’t exist. that all guys are pigs. thanks. i appreciate it. i still never told anyone about paul. no one until now. *all names have been changed