#because im a goddamn neet

[xamaxenta]

Finished!! This was the best pic I got so far, hope this soothes the horrors :3

Holy shit you look so cool dude what the heck

[untitledgoosegay]

revolutions are real. they have happened. they are possible.

and:

revolutions require infrastructure. they require the ability to coordinate, maneuver, and supply large groups of people, without alerting the hegemonic power. that means time, that means travel, that means secure communication networks and infosec traditions. they require shared norms and practices around resistance -- here i'm thinking about taking a long time rummaging through your bag during a ticket check to give people dodging fare a chance to escape. It's a good practice, and not one I'd heard of before a few days ago!

currently, in the US, we don't have those on remotely the required scale.

but we do have them. we had them in the first wave of BLM marches, and again in Portland in 2019 (and elsewhere, but I was in Portland); we have them at Standing Rock and Stop Cop City. protestors in the US traded tactics and advice with protestors in the Middle East throughout the 2010s -- and that's just the case I know of. American resistance has been systematically hamstrung via (ongoing) programs of ideological poisoning and assassinations (think of how many Black BLM leaders were murdered), but it exists.

the infrastructure can be built, but it has to be built

sitting around jacking off about guillotines and eating the rich does not build shit.

[dog-girl-zezora]

//

[understandableparadox]

Bottom of the barrel isekai: b-rank adventurer with an evil look becomes a daddy to the protagonist and his childhood friend.

Well if i'm reading it, that's a goddamn lie, hello! Pull up a chair, drink my tea, piss on my wife, you have the most control in this world because you are the specialist lil fella that can do not a lick of wrong! It's time for another bottom of the barrel isekai review! Today, you can read the title above, go fuck yourself if you think im going write it out every single god damn time.

Come out boys, girls and some other thing, frogs? Is that what the enbys like these days? Frogs? Anyways let's do the song and dance!

Our titular main character is a dude from japan, they wasted their live away being a disgusting fucking neet and playing video games all the live long day, being a whale in pirates 101 and domeing me from across the map as widow maker on royal!  

Anyways he fucking Dies and gets reincarnated in the game he and his singular friend dearly loved known as bright fantasy, now as we can see in the picture above, perhaps he reincarnated as some sorta giga god, perhaps his party abandoned him because they didnt understand the monumental boon a tax accountant has in another world… perhaps he was summoned by the king to Fuck his wife for him! 

Wait a second… is that a sharp detour…? FU-

Anyways gray is reborn as a Thug Npc, or someone with a dark background, his looks mean, he has a average appearance and some fucking sick shoulder gaurds.  He is a moody lil nobody, which is why it's such an insane hook to see it open with two children begging to be adopted by him in the opening

Now before you get too scared that we are running into uncharted territories since we haven't had anyone betray anyone and the MC has not turned god inside out, we get to dive back into the cool cocoons of familiar fantasy tropes with the adventuring ranking system. I'm not going to bother to explain it, if you got a letter grade in school then you know what it means. Get close to the A and that means you are the Big Boy adventurer who does the Big Boy quests. 

Now i do appreciate the authors restraint and only making him the Second Biggest boy and attempting to make him Not A Twink

We almost have a guy who is on a bulk and not a cut, sigh, one day. 

Anyways we pull back ground tall dark and who cares to learn that these two are matchstick kids. Dead broke kids who are attempting to sell flowers they have picked to the people on the street. They were attacked by nobody you are going to remember and get healed by gray. They then decide to beg him to save their ailing parents because I guess wonka isn't around to give golden tickets to get them out of bed or whatever. 

They tell them their names, one of them has the super special name of the Super Main Character. What a coinkyDink. Gray knows that if he is to be a villain (???) then his job is to avoid it. Luckily he went to the Katarina claes school of villainy and decided that ethical action is actually more important than meta narrative logic. 

Cut to Tiny tims lakeside property and we see the rest of the family living the fucking dream!

I'm so sorry, i have this mental tick where i accidently say “dream” instead of “nightmare”.

Also Stella is a vampire, why? Fuck you thats why. 

They explain that they have been getting by by the skin of their teeth through a combination of the street urchin grind set of selling flowers and getting church donations. Gray beats up some assumed child abductors outside and gives a somewhat creepy smile. 

Next chapter is about Gray stealing an orcs' balls to create a high end potion (viagra) to nobles so he can get enough money to buy something called a “home”? I'm not sure what that is exactly, i'm not sure what the translator was talking about, i've certainly never heard of someone “buying” or owning one for certain.

I don't actually have much to say about this guy, this is the guy who makes the ball potion for gray, I just like him, he has a funny face, I like looking at it. He looks like someone I would trade yugioh cards with while he tells me about his super cool oc and I would listen because he is a fun dude. 

But yeah, the manga is mostly about this guy being a slightly more psychotic late stage kratos, being a dad, trying to raise a bunch of random kids he found, trying to give the main character a taste of normalcy before the plot kicks and and shit goes sideways, oh and sometimes he brutally kills people. 

His main goal is to have a family and that's about that. 

So let's start getting into things. 

The title has no interest in creating an expansive world that is original, everything of it is meat burrowed and stitched into its own narrative to support its own plot line and to explain why this happens and why that is occurring at this point. Now I do not believe that this is inherently a bad thing. In fact it's fine. Not every single manga needs to be the next genre defining piece of media. In fact we need things that are average, we need things that build the genre or else we can never have exceptions to the rule.  The magic system, the team system, the classes, the guilds, the plot, it's all what you would expect from something with final fantasy inspirations. Semi (not really) complicated fighting systems that only make sense to pad out the loving tedium of a game. “Complete this many quests of this level to rank up.” “collect this many monster parts to complete the quest” and so on and so fourth ad infitum until god has to pop out and ask what the fuck is going on. 

The art is great in places. Most of it is very bog standard, you aren't going to get that much out of it if you are expecting groundbreaking designs that really make you scratch your chin in wonder at how they made something like that up. But it's very clearly competent and knows how to give each of its characters that needed cover before you read the book. People that need to look like unlikeable thugs look like unlikeable thugs, children that need to look sweet and innocent look sweet and innocent. The artist is really good at goofy expressions but they are a bit few and far between to really satisfy my desire for evil fucked up faces, oh kekegurui… if i didnt hate your plot so much i would be so much more obsessed with you… 

The tropes I've already gone over. It uses every single trope but more so in the way someone would do if they were playing a new game plus. You don't want to do the rigamarole of the heroes rise so you make them overpowered and whatever so they can get to the stuff that you have deemed important, that being fatherhood simulator and housing market simulator. The world is secondary to the plot the author wants so they grab the tropes they want to ensure they can focus on that part of the story with impunity while hand waving some other things and give ol daddy gray his badass moments to make the editors happy that this is infact enough of a power fantasy. You know, to keep those freaks that actually buy the manga happy. 

As for kink stuff, none that I can see. The author only seems to want women to fawn on the main character so they can complete the golden vision of the dead emperor abe of the nuclear family, perhaps hoping to tempt his blessing from beyond the grave… 

This was a little bit of a boreing read. I cant entirely recommend it, but if you want to see some edgy boredline twunk be a dad to a bunch of random kids he adopted then yeah, go for it lmao. 

[splitrox]

archive of a ventdump i did elsewhere

laying here with a tummy ache thinking about how ive lost motivation for everything and wasted so much money that wasn't my own on shit that i can't pull myself out of bed to do and dedicate myself to everyday. my adhd is so god awful. why did i think i could be a freelancer

i was and i am fucking passionate in theory but i just can't get up it's so daunting and makes me sick. im a neet now i guess. fuck me. ppl are gonna be like you're only 21 you're still so young u have a chance to get out there! but i just. nothing even changed during covid for me. the isolation is killing me. im letting the chance to save money and build up a business so i can leave home for good pass me by

for 2 weeks this year i got to experience staying with my partner in their house with their accepting parents and roommates and it's been eating at me ever since ive been back home. i got a taste of social interaction and freedom i haven't had since i was a kid

i got to be around people that accept me. all the hatred that's festered since i was a kid and manifested as mental illness and close mindedness for years all just melted away for those 2 weeks and i just cried from how overwhelming it all was

it was still melancholy because i realized i wasn't perfect even with so much support and i still have work to do even when im out of here. but it was a taste of freedom. and the acceptance and human contact and actual touch was overwhelming and meant the world

covid didn't change anything for me and i really fucking mean that. im stuck in a loop. ive been in the loop for years and it's so hard and terrifying to break free and ive got no idea what to do or where to even begin

the first step is acknowledging that im so fucking lonely.

im. so grateful to my friends for their patience with me. my spotty presence online and in DMs with others infuriates me too and i wish i could message and socialize properly

im eternally grateful to my partner for 6.5 years of neverending love and support

but im so lonely

that trip i took this year, paid for with my own money, and obsessively hid from my parents for fear they'd figure out im dating someone of the same sex as me really solidified the fact that im still stuck in this cage. and when i came back i felt like I just. all the motivation to work, to do the acting and production and editing work I'd been obsessing over for the past Year as a career path, was entirely gone because i got a taste of normalcy.

i can never be proud of myself if i keep going back into my goddamn shell like this

i rarely ever make original posts online anymore, let alone complain. feel like im mainly just a watcher these days

msorry to anyone ive neglected

im neglecting myself too

[daddyd0nt]

I know im ugly.  i lean into it and pretend its a feminist thing but im a fat intersex freak with a hairy face who refuses to put an effort into my appearance because i cant bare to even acknowledge that i have a physical form at this point.  Im the ugliest girl in my friend group, everybody suddenly started losing all sorts of weight so im the DUFF now and I don’t even have a kid to show for it, all I have in the world is a stupid piece of paper that says “u can read good” that won’t get me a decent job anywhere that I only even got because I knew how to make professors feel bad for me and not fail me and now Im just this fat useless NEET I can’t even make myself write anymore because school took all the fun out of writing and Im the only one of my friends without kids/a family the only thing I can show for having 6 years of post-high school education ( years I could have spent getting work experience so I don’t have to work under a manager who dropped out of fucking high school) is that I met a good man I literally proved my dad right about women and college i went and got my “MRS Degree” and Im a gross pill-popper who can’t keep a meal down but somehow Im still so goddamn fat I wish I died back in my party days when I was hot and popular

[ginazmemeoir]

Is it weird that when i saw the neet 2021 paper today, i immediately had flashbacks to the time i wrote it a year ago and all the debiliating anxiety that i went through at the time? Like i spent 3 whole months crying thinking that i fucked it up and when i saw the rank inflation it was even worse. i still got into one of the best colleges in my state so that's good i guess but it was quite literally the darkest time of my life? Its just so fucked up that i had no goddamn idea what mental illness was before eleventh grade but school and coaching institutes gave me so much pressure and toxicity that i had a full mental breakdown and a suicide attempt twenty days before the exam which made me feel the absolute worst ive ever felt. It especially sucks because i feel like ive wasted two years of my life which im never gonna get back but more than that its the feeling that my innocence was taken from me. Idk, just crying rn I know that you have your entrance exams coming up but please take care of your mental health, nothing is ever worth losing that

anon i relate so much to your ask. tbh, i also have some dark thoughts at times.

but also hey you got into one of the best colleges of your state that's not something easy

i am just concentrating on my JEE mains rn. usme badhiya kar lunga and then i can start thinking about JEE advanced

[swampgallows]

i have an appt with my therapist again today in a few hours and i think this will be like her third strike. i feel increasingly uncomfortable talking to her even if she seems invested in my writing etc. it just feels like the same shit all over again. people taking what they want from me and treating me like a commodity, like a personal jester for their entertainment, and then not giving a shit about me or my feelings. she told me it’s okay to talk a lot and to complain but then tells me to stop complaining—”we’ve done that part”—and while i dont like complaining at that point i was just explaining my reasoning more than complaining. 

i feel like she’s frustrated because i’m not making progress as quickly as she’d like and she thinks i have all this potential, and like, no shit. you’re frustrated after two months? try 28 fucking years. this has been the situation my entire life, this is what i’m in therapy for, this is why i’m suicidal. i’m sick to death of people saying all this shit about how i’m not doing enough, i’m not doing well enough, how i’m SO smart and SO this or that and treat me like i’m wasted potential all the time. i’m fucking sick of potential. and i get paralyzed about doing anything because when i do ANYTHING it’s never good enough, it’s always people telling me that i didnt try hard enough or that i didnt do my best or telling me how it could be better.

i busted my fucking ass off in school for nearly two decades, doing all the extra credit and being in advanced placement gifted magnet college prep what have you bullshit, at the top percentile of goddamn everything, and all of it amounted to nothing. all of it is inherently useless. i get to just live with the Good Feeling of doing a good job because it’s reflective of absolutely nothing. i have no life skills and no independence and zero confidence in myself doing anything. i have no faith in myself or reason to live. i dont have a reason to stick around and see anything through and the only reason i havent killed myself yet is because i’m afraid of death, but the only reason i havent committed myself to an institution is because of the backlash i would get from my parents and because of the hefty price tag on the asylum. 

once i get out of the house i usually feel better, but it has been a challenge to get out of the house. it’s a challenge to get anything done IN the house unless it’s something that my parents directly are scrutinizing me for. like “oh she did the dishes! she’s not useless after all.” or “oh she actually was doing something on her computer, looks like she isn’t just sitting around playing games.” and they care about those things not for my welfare but for their own image. they dont want some loser neet child, and i guess i dont really want that either, but only because of the image, really. i’d like to be independent from my parents but i constantly feel like it’s not possible or feasible due to external factors. even when i was employed there was no way i was making enough money to pay rent anywhere. one coworker who didnt live w her parents lived with NINE other people and STILL paid 800 a month. 

and even when i lived alone in my dorm away from my parents, i was still feeling completely useless and had no desire to do anything. i was completely disconnected from the world. raving was good at that time luckily but in terms of just...anything, i was talking to shitty people and meeting up with strangers who luckily didnt murder or rape me... just because. ironically i got hit by a car trying to meet up w a dude from school. i feel like i deserve to be punished and beaten constantly and i low-key do it to myself through denying myself anything. like sabotaging my life through passivity.

but it seemed like my therapist was more sympathetic before in her description of my “learned helplessness”, that it causes me fucking pain to try to do anything on my own. it’s not just nervousness or anxiety, it’s a paralyzing fear. because if i do anything it destroys my mom and then i have to live with that guilt and emotional fallout. i feel horrible that i don’t like my mom as a person, and i dont blame anyone else for also not liking her. i dont describe my mom as likable. i wish i could help my mom, but i can’t, and at the same time, i dont want to. she has sucked so much life out of me and she’s ruining my life but it also feels like i’ll be abandoning her if i go. it’s real fucking easy for my therapist to say “you’re not responsible for your parents” but theyve been responsible for me all this time. i didnt fucking ask to be born but i also feel like i’m literally the only thing keeping my mom from killing herself. i hate when she says “everyone would be better off without me” because to an extent it’s true. we’d be better off without her hoarding everything, we’d be better off not walking on eggshells constantly around her aggressive self-deprecation, we’d be better off without her bigotry (at least i would), we’d be better off without all the shit that makes me not want to help her. i dont want to resent my mom but i already have so much contempt for everything, and i’m so used to having these shackles on that i dont really know how to live without them. 

when i went to target with nate i felt just..shocked and excited but also scared about the fact that i could buy literally anything i wanted at the store for snacks and my parents wouldnt know about it. i wouldnt have to explain to my mom where i “got these” or if i had more or justify how expensive they were or have fear her buying ten more bags of it because i liked it one time. i got to just purchase what i wanted and ate it right there and like thank god they didnt KNOW about it. they’ll see that i spent money at target but they dont know it was on fancy cookies and candy. 

when i had a job i felt more independent because i was making money, and i’m still spending the money that i made, but they still fucking see everything i do unless it’s through paypal. i talked about opening a separate account but theres no way to get the money from that account to my new one without my parents noticing, obviously. it’s hard to take all of the steps that i can envision because i know they are painful. the only way my brother and sister have independence is because they’ve been completely emotionally numb or, more in my sister’s case, have been actively antagonistic toward my parents. my mom is now “afraid” of my sister, and nearly every time she comes over she’s screaming at my mom. 

i dont know the true logistics of opening a new bank account but i guess if i get a new job i could start putting the money in that account. im only applying to costco so far because i have literally no idea of what jobs are out there or what i could do. but costco has good benefits and i really REALLY need my teeth fixed and i REALLY need new glasses. im still wearing the glasses that were in the accident and have a huge gouge out of the center of the right lens. im scared that ive already trained my brain to create a blind spot. 

it helps to write this stuff out but it’s hard to find a solution. and maybe my therapist is also frustrated because she can’t find a solution either. but for me that’s just my fucking reality lmao. the only thing i can really think of is just throwing a dart on a map and sneaking away to some other fucking state or something. that’s really the only way my brother and sister made it out, too. but i dunno where i’d go or what i’d do, still, but at least then it would be more immediate and more on my terms. i’d basically just be throwing a dart somewhere. but then i’d really be alone.

[calenos]

this is your bimonthly reminder that i love my bf more than anything

honestly, last spring, i was so set on staying single for a bit + trying to date girls and seeing how that went. but when i met him (in a random game of overwatch LMFAO) we just clicked immediately. i just added him after the game ended because he had good comms + was good but we started talking outside the game and there was so much to love?? as nice as it would be to be w/ girls too i don’t care that much. it’s not something i’d really regret, it just feels weird to ID as bi but not feel as involved with the lgbt+ community bc of that. but we seem like such a good match i’d have to be braindead to give him up over that lol

like first of all didn’t expect to find someone functional via OW. full offense but most of the people ive met that play that game a lot have Some Problems and/or are NEETs. nothin wrong with that if ur in a transitional period in ur life but would be a little concerning at his age.

and he is... ridiculously hot!! sorry not sorry. ive obviously been attracted to all of my exes but not in the same capacity + tmi but the kinks line up really well too. more importantly, he is super passionate & driven and that’s always been the most important thing for me in a SO. he loves software dev/creative problem solving in any capacity, loves to learn (even about drawing which I’ve been teaching him stuff about, it’s real cute), competitive gaming & deep diving into getting good at the games he loves, loves to work out and go on hikes and explore nature. he’s pretty goddamn smart, too, and shares my passion/need to organize everything, track things in spreadsheets, reflect in journals and generally just try to be as good of a person as he can be. AND he’s just the sweetest thing on the planet. seriously, super supportive, giving, and loving and i’m just. wow. floored by how great he is all the time. he’s such a hard worker when he sets his mind to something too. and he’s so positive?? it’s slowly making me shift my overall negative/cynical mindset and that’s been great LOL

and we want.. the same things in life? like from day to day life & how to set up living spaces (for successfully working from home & relaxing), where we want to live eventually, same goals with money & standards of living, how to handle finances (im a little more frugal, but i acknowledge i take it to extremes & can reel back on that a bit), hell even what kinds of vacations & pets we prefer having. i know he’s not perfect & has his own struggles but even after seeing those for months we still feel so right for each other. there’s like a 75% chance of us moving in together in the spring (just need to negotiate some things w my landlord & figure out a budget for him, which we are doing when he visits next week). i feel so lucky. 😭

it’d be a major QOL increase too. like, outside the change in “roommate benefits”--living w someone who stays up later (12-2 am ish vs current roommates 9-10 pm!!!), he has workout equipment thatd fit in an apartment (most apartment gyms suck + gym memberships are Out Of My Budget), and we have weirdly complementary stuff for like, kitchens, furniture etc. it’d be.. so nice to live with a SO? like, haven’t wanted to before because i wasn’t convinced it’d be clean/civil/etc with previous ppl i’ve dated. but omg all the benefits from living with a SO... PLUS having a consistently quiet place to work + non intrusive roommates + filling in the gaps for each others living stuff? gimme

this kind of came out randomly talking about moving in & planning a trip for him to come to my home town (plus i was w his family for thanksgiving). i was about to apologize but that would be dumb since it’s under a read more and i’m not sorry for gushing about this wonderful man