#because i've been offline from like everything for a couple weeks

[soaps-mohawk]

I'm going to be honest

I'm having a genuinely hard time making this post. I've been fighting with it for a couple weeks now, but I think it's time I finally make it.

I'm not having fun on this blog anymore.

It sounds bad, but honestly, it kind of is.

I think a lot of it started from the very beginning with the precedence and expectations I put on myself. I've always tried to respond to every comment I get. Even from the beginning. It's just a polite thing to do since those who leave comments took the time to write out what they think of my fic, even if it's just a keysmash. I've always felt the need to thank those who leave comments or reblog my writing or (now that tumblr has it) replied to my fics. It worked fine before because none of my fics were particularly popular. Even my most popular fic (at that time) didn't get as much attention as CRCB has. I've never had a "big blog" before, nor a fic as popular as CRCB has gotten.

It was fine at first, responding to everyone, engaging with everyone. I was riding that high of omg so many people are reading and enjoying my fic! I've never had anything quite like this before.

Now...it just feels more like a chore. I set this precedence on this blog that I respond to everyone and I know a lot of people have said that they're surprised I responded to them and to everyone, and now I'm getting why a lot of writers don't. I'm exhausted. I feel like I've just been robotically saying the same thing over and over trying to respond to people now. I used to love seeing asks in my inbox and reblogs and replies but now? All I feel is dread because I have to respond to all of those.

Turning anon off was a big help. It lessened the sheer volume of asks I was getting a day. And while I do feel bad for all of my anons who prefer to stay anons, with everything that happened (the multiple incidents) with anon that kind of started to suck the joy out of everything. That paired with the obsessive need to constantly have my inbox cleared and make sure everyone gets a response...I can understand now too why big blogs will have 200+ asks in their inbox. It's hard and it's exhausting and I'm burning out.

First it was the fic that was burning me out. Things have gone on far longer than I planned and I just wasn't prepared for this fic to go on and for a while there it was dragging. I'll admit that. If I could go back, I'd speed up a few things, but it's done, it's posted there's no going back. I kind of hoped I would have the mental capacity to upload more than once a week too, but I just couldn't. I still can't.

I've come to dread posting chapters because I know I'm going to have to reply and respond to everyone. The only thing keeping me posting is the fact that we're in the part of the story I've been excited about since the beginning and also because I keep leaving everyone on cliffhangers and I love torturing y'all with all of them.

So that being said, this is in no way to shame anyone for interacting with me, anyone leaving comments or replies or sending asks. Don't feel bad about doing it please. I appreciate all of you that have engaged with me and it really means so much to me. Honestly, earlier this year, if I didn't have this fic and everyone on this blog, I might not have made it to now. It's been a really rough year and it's still going to be into next year. It's just getting to the point where I need a break.

I've needed a break for a long time. I thought taking days off the blog would help, and it did for a couple of weeks, but now even on the days I'm supposed to be on the blog and engaging, I just find myself queueing stuff up and just being offline most of the day still.

I'm tired. That's the best reason I can give. I'm tired and burned out on life and I'm tired and burned out on this blog.

So...I think I need a break. I need to not keep responding to every single reply and reblog every chapter. I need to not force myself to answer every ask right away, no matter how much I want to. I feel bad, but I know everyone would rather have me here and enjoying the blog than forcing myself to interact to the point where I'm dreading it and just robotically repeating myself over and over with every reply and answer and comment.

I won't be pausing the fic, I won't be not uploading. I'll still be posting chapters, I just might not be interacting as much as I have been. It's just putting such a mental strain on me still, even with anon off, even with days off. And with things getting busier for me, it's going to be too much to try and deal with irl stuff and write and try to be super active on the blog. There's going to come a point where I have to sacrifice the writing or the blog and I'd rather sacrifice the blog to keep myself sane, and also to keep trying to finally get this fic done. I love this fic, don't get me wrong, but I'm just burning out.

I'm already burned out in a lot of ways.

I was planning kinktober this year but honestly I'm considering not doing it because I know interaction is going to be insane and it's going to be a lot to keep up on. Plus trying to write that many fics is hard and I'm not sure I have the ability to do it. I have a few done but now I'm just like...is that something I want to do on top of irl stuff and CRCB.

There's just no joy in it anymore. It's not anyone's fault but mine. I put the pressure on myself, I held myself to that standard for this long despite the fact I knew it was draining me. I've tried to push through when I should have prioritized myself. I feel so guilty not responding to everyone. I feel so guilty being a day or two late responding to everyone.

I want to be here and interacting and responding to things but I just can't bring myself to anymore. It's no one's fault, and this is not a drag on anyone, or an attempt to make anyone feel bad or guilty for interacting or sending asks or anything. I'm just airing out the truth and saying what I need to say because I feel like I've been so robotic and lifeless with my responses these last couple weeks and I feel like I need to explain why. It's nothing anyone has done. It's my fault. It's 100% my fault.

Things have just gotten to be too much and it's my fault for forcing myself to be so active. The social battery has dropped into the negatives. I'm not a social person. I can only handle so much interaction and I've pushed so far beyond that, that things have gotten to this point. I want to be here and I want to have fun and I want to use this as an escape but I just don't feel that way about it anymore. It's a chore for me, a job, something I feel like I have to do and it's my fault that I feel that way. It's my own standards and expectations I set on myself, and my expectations on what I think my followers want and deserve and now I feel like I've gone on too long like this that I can't change things without hurting anyone's feelings. I don't want people to think I'm ignoring them in favor of others because I know there's writers out there that do that. They only respond to a certain group and ignore others that comment and reblog. I don't want to make anyone feel like I'm doing that to them and that's now led me to here.

I'm forcing it and I'm tired.

It's been hard these last few weeks. The life has just been draining and draining continuously. The joy and the love I have for this blog and my followers and the interactions and the fic. The last anon bullshit that happened was just kind of the last nail in the coffin so to speak. The straw that broke the camel's back. Things stopped being fun. It made me feel bad (and not in the guilty way, though that was a part of it) and I'm honestly just over it. I'm over the blog, I'm over interacting, I'm over life at this point. August is a hard month for me and every year it seems to get worse and worse. A lot of it is unrelated to anything online and I was going to make a post about it but honestly I just don't want to. Those that know, know. Those that don't...it doesn't matter.

I'm getting annoyed by the blog, I'm getting annoyed every time I look in my notifications and see an ask or a reply or a comment. I'm getting annoyed by some of my followers and that's not fair to you. Everyone always talks about how nice and kind and patient I am when I'm really not. I'm not the person I present myself to be on this blog, the way I mask myself so I can present myself as being a normal, kind human being. The mask is coming off because I'm so tired I can't keep it up anymore. It's happening here and it's happening in real life. I'm tired and I'm frustrated and I'm angry at a lot of things and the last thing I want is to start taking it out on my followers. You don't deserve that, especially when it's not your fault, it's nothing any of you have done. It's all me.

It's not you, it's me.

So for the sake of not burning this whole thing to the ground, I'm going to take a break. I'm not replying to everyone, I'm not responding to every reblog, I won't reply to every ask I get right away, if at all because sometimes I just don't have anything to say in response and I need to learn that's okay. It's nothing against you. It's not aimed at anyone specifically, I'm just trying to put myself first and stop things from escalating. I need a break and I'm going to do something selfish and I'm going to take it.

Don't apologize because it's not your fault. Don't apologize because you think you might have contributed to this because you didn't. It is no one's fault but my own.

I'm the one that needs to apologize to all of you because I've just not been myself because I've been forcing myself to be someone I'm not. I've been very unfair to a lot of people over the last seven months that this blog has been active and I've held a precedent that is not sustainable in the long run and made everyone believe that I was capable of maintaining that kind of interaction when I'm not.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I've been putting everyone through this. I'm sorry I've been so detached and robotic and ingenuine. I'm sorry I led everyone to believe I'm someone I'm not. I'm sorry I've dragged this on this long that it's gotten to the point that I have to make this post.

I considered just disappearing but that wouldn't be fair to you either. I don't want to put you through that, so I'm pouring all of my thoughts out and making you read through this fucking novel of a post. If you've made it this far, then congrats I guess. Gold metals to you who bothered reading this far.

Anyway, all of that aside, I'll still be posting chapters. I'll have them scheduled and I'll probably come on and add links places to keep things current. I'll respond and reply and answer asks when I feel like it. You don't have to stop sending them, but just don't expect them to be responded to right away anymore. I'll probably still be here reblogging things I want and doing things when I feel like it.

I just need a few weeks to myself. Time I don't have to care about the blog at all and keeping up with it. Anon will remain off for the sake of keeping asshole trolls away, and also so I don't open tumblr and have 200 asks in my inbox after a week. Sorry to my anons but it's just the way it needs to be right now. Maybe once this break is over and I've dealt with irl stuff, I'll consider putting it back on. I just can't after everything I dealt with recently on anon.

It'll be the same on Ao3, for those that follow here and read there. Comments will probably sit for a while. They won't be answered right away anymore unless I get the energy to burn through them. Even then I won't try to answer them all at once like I did this last weekend.

I'll try to reblog something every day so y'all know I'm alright. I don't want y'all to panic and it's not fair to put you through that, especially those that might not see this or bother reading it. Those that follow simply for the fic and nothing else. I'm here, I'm just not...here.

This week's chapter is in the queue to be posted tomorrow as usual. Chapters will still come out as planned since I'm not stopping writing, just taking a break from the blog itself.

Thank you those of you who stuck through to the end here. I appreciate all of you so much. You have no idea. I'm sorry I let things get to this point and I'm sorry to anyone that I've gotten rude or snappy with because I couldn't be selfish and put myself first. I'm sorry to anyone that got a robotic, repeated response to something they were probably excited to share. I'm sorry I've been so unfair to everyone and I hope you can forgive me.

Take care and I'll talk to everyone when I have the energy to.

[frecklystars]

I'm sorry to make a vent post :c I hate being negative but I haven't been online in a couple of months and this kind of explains why + I really needed to let this out somewhere. TW for mentions of self harm and suicide mention, this vent post is a little bit heavy.

i havent been online for a couple of months now except one (1) time, and then i left again, just letting my queue post as always. my cptsd/depression/anxiety has been astronomical levels of Terrible. going offline just made me feel so so so much worse bc this is where i normally self ship and post my art. not blogging about my F/Os, not drawing them, not editing videos/not making gifs, feels... really really bad. self shipping is my main coping mechanism and not being able to self ship makes everything feel 50 billion times more hopeless. so I should try to get back into that habit again

its july. its gonna be my anniversary w/ the two F/Os who breathed life back into me when i was at my absolute worst. i should be really excited to celebrate an F/O anniversary for the first time in two years, but ive been... so... fucking miserable. the last few months i have been back into My Worst State Of Mind Ever. i have been having really bad days where im slipping back into planning how to end my life and self harming again like i did a year ago. this isnt an everyday occurrence as of right now, and rn as im queueing this post, i am not planning currently. but every other day i slip back into those old self destructive bad habits, so it's safe to say my depression is definitely Worse. im trying to figure out how to uh, hang in there. because i can't stop the source of the Thing that is causing me to feel like my only escape option is ending my life. this isn't just my mental health/a chemical imbalance in the brain making me feel this way, this is entirely situational and out of my control.

i know the source of my problem and why i feel this way, and i cannot control it. i havent talked about it on my blogs bc i dont wanna scare anyone, and i will NOT go into details here, but i havent felt safe in a very very very long time. i contacted the authorities back in January this year, i am planning to contact them again soon, but im afraid they can't do anything for me until things get worse than they already are. it sucks that you have to wait until things are literally impossible to get through until the authorities even CONSIDER helping you.

i have just been trying to take everything one day at a time and vent to a few close friends when i need to, but this has been so unbearably difficult to endure every single day. ive been dealing with this FAR longer than a few months, but regarding these last few months specifically, i feel like i haven't been functioning like a person. every single second i am just,,, scared and paranoid, this is the only thing i am ever thinking about because im so, so stressed. i dont WANT to think about it but i literally am incapable of having any peace. every few weeks, something scary regarding my situation happens, and makes my anxiety worse. i cannot tell you how scared ive been. im so scared every day that this is going to kill me, whether it's the actual situation that will kill me, or my own anxiety/fear will drive me into making an irreversible choice. which! i don't wanna do! i genuinely don't want to end my life, i just - i feel extremely trapped in this situation and i've felt very very very hopeless about it for a LONG ass time, and that shit weighs on you over time

my fear/paranoia has affected my self shipping, and self shipping is my main source of comfort, i cant lose it. i keep losing it. ive lost so much already i dont want to lose my F/Os all over again. i keep thinking there’s no point in self shipping because my F/Os would betray me or harm me in some way. i know they’re imaginary and they can’t hurt me IRL but like, from a self shipping standpoint, i can’t stop fretting over all of it being a huge trick. like they’re pretending to love me so they can betray me later. i can’t get any relief, I am having panic attacks all the time, my flashbacks are worse than ever. I can’t self ship and I can’t... function. i'm so messed up from everything that has been happening to me, i feel like healing is impossible at this point. i really hope that is just the severe anxiety/depression/ptsd talking. i hate being negative, i dont want to have such a pessimistic outlook, but it's just felt so... hopeless. like there is no point. but what am i gonna do, not try to feel things with my F/Os again? what am i gonna do, not self ship ever again?? i really have nothing else to do except try my best every day to get through this. or kill myself - and i dont wanna go down that latter road again bc its messy and it sucks and its expensive when you fail and i have permanent scars from the last time i failed two years ago, and i! want! to! get better! i dont genuinely want to die, i just want to escape my situation! this situation i am in should not be worth ending my life over. but i am scared all the time and that hopeless feeling is so heavy and it's just getting harder and harder to carry for so so so so long

i have friends both IRL and online who are trying to help me get back into a safe situation again, but there is only so much we can all do. so i just have to keep taking all of this shit one day at a time and just hope and pray some sort of miracle gets me through this. its been years so i really dont believe theres a way out anymore but i am just! agh!! fucking angry and sad and terrified 24/7 and sick of dealing with this, so i will keep powering through every day even if i gotta kick and scream the entire time.

ok anyway! im gonna stay offline for a little while longer (this is queued, if anyone is kind enough to reply/send an ask, i will try to respond when i return) but i will come back slowly but surely sometime maybe this week, next week at the latest. i at least want to celebrate my July 21st anniversary :( thats my most important one this year. i really really really need to get back into the habit of self shipping even if i dont feel much for my F/Os atm. i refuse to just lay down and take this, i want to at least try to feel something again even if it hurts.

thank you to those who have been patient with me with replies; tumblr says i have over 200 inbox messages and 99+ dms since ive been gone. i will try to get back to people slowly but surely, its just probably gonna take me a hot minute. if anyone has the free minute, if you can just send me something like "everything will be okay" in my inbox, i would super appreciate it 😭🙏 and thank you to anyone who took the time to read my ramblings.

[bomberqueen17]

what is up froods

lol i keep forgetting to like. actually write updates in my personal journal. i'm using this tumblr too much like a tumblr.

i went down a rabbit hole the other night in that i just opened my own archives and went back to 2013 and then realized i started this in 2011. i didn't say a lot, back then i definitely was still using my LJ for Big Personal Updates and Tumblr was exclusively for snappy shitposts, and then I abandoned the LJ and only blogged in snappy shitposts for a while, and I did some vagueblogging that I genuinely have no idea what it was about, and that's fun.

But there's some. Boy there's some real fossils in there. God everything stays the same but everything happens so much.

I know I've backed up this blog but IDK how much you can make it make sense, offline. Anyway. That's how it goes. I'm not in any kind of existential panic about the site I'm just reacting to the zeigeist here, it made me think of old times.

I go back to the farm in a couple of weeks-- just for a couple of weeks, but the Season is Starting. My physical therapist keeps giving me more exercises. She's right, my core strength is wretched, but when I said I'd tried to do crunches now and then, tried to stay a tiny bit fit but-- she was like omg no you can't do crunches, with that hip cartilage as it is, so I felt a little better. So she's teaching me what I *can* do, and the important thing is that she's like you cannot do this more than every other day or three times a week, you cannot rush this kind of thing, and it's wonderful advice contrary to all the other advice I've ever had in my life which was like every moment you're not doing more work you're being a lazy shit. So, that's nice. I'll cut because nothing else here is going to be interesting.

I'm not the youngest person at physical therapy but there's a lot of old people there. I haven't been masking, I've been being lazy and just using xylitol nose spray before I go, and it's been fine, but I know that's just luck. (I see no one but Dude, who sees almost no one but me, so the consequences of fucking up would be minor.) with a trip to the farm coming up, I'm going to go back to masking, at least in the lead-up to the trip-- because last time I had COVID I had almost no symptoms, and nowadays apparently the rapid tests aren't super useful. The way I'm coping is, I know, a logical fallacy-- since COVID wasn't bad the one time I had it, I'm just telling myself I'm resistant naturally and it won't hurt me, and I know this is not the truth at all but it helps me cope-- but I cannot stand the thought of spreading it to someone who would be more hurt by it, so I have convinced myself not to fear catching it but to fear spreading it. I figure it's effectively the same and lets me not just be fucking terrified all the time.

I also discovered that a former employee of the farm who's out here going to college is interested in carpooling, and we've already got a tentative date for him to ride back with me on my way back from the farm at the end of March, and this has lightened my spirits a great deal. It's such a long drive and it feels like such a waste of gas, and he does have a car but it's not actually that safe to drive on the Thruway. (He swears up and down it's perfectly safe but just not at sustained speeds over 60. I was like omg kid do NOT, I will drive, my car is brand fkn new. He's taking the train home and will ride back with me.)

Let's see. Oh I don't think I've kept up with posting about the kitchen painting. It's down to the last tiny fiddly details, and what I've got to do is do a half-stencil in the corner above the door, and I did one half yesterday and will finish the rest today. I had to custom cut out a copy of part of the stencil to make it work, and it's sort of janky and I am going to have to hand-paint it with a lot of masking tape, but it's such a small area that like, why not, I can be that fussy. It's fine.

Once I finish that, which if I do part in the morning and part in the afternoon I can do today, then I can FINALLY CLEAN UP AND PUT AWAY all the painting detritus. I can't tell you how excited I am to do that.

I've also been doing fabric dyeing, finally. I collected several of the muslin garments I'd finished and meant to do something with, and got out my dyes. I did a batch of ice dye solely because I forgot which ones I'd intended to use for that; now I have a pair of slightly ill-fitting homemade leggings that look like a clown threw up on them, and a cheerful sweatshirt to match. i then used the runoff to dye the cream-colored canvas work smock-- I sort of tie-dyed it because I pasted up a little bit of two of the component colors and poured that on a couple areas that I then rubberbanded, because I wanted tie-dye but did not want any white areas left. So it's a blue/purple/red smock now, and the rainbow stitching I constructed it with was polyester so it's still rainbow, huzzah. Subtle and understated and also I can smear it with filth and maybe it will still look intentional.

[image description: a canvas work smock with big pockets, hanging to dry, mostly a mucky dark purple but with some brighter splotches of red and dark blue, and some bits of paler purple.]

[image description: assorted garments draped over drying racks in a sunporch, in blotchy shades of red, orange, yellow, green, blue, purple, all kind of run together but not murky.]

And then I did another batch of ice dye, this time with the dyes I had bought that are supposed to work well for this because they split. That dress is still in the wash so I don't have pictures of how it turned out, but mostly it just looks splotchy green. LOL oh well. The point was, I made all these test garments in undyed fabric, but I don't have a lifestyle where I can wear a white dress, so now I have some non-white dresses I don't have to be precious about. Some of them I should now probably hem and like actually finish..........

I have one dress and one shirt left, and a pair of light-wash jeans I don't like wearing, and I'm thinking about trying like. Ombre or something. We'll see if I get around to that.

My sewing area is still a fuckin disaster and I don't want to think about it. But I'm cutting out a vest from scrap denim, I want a quilted abrasion-resistant washable work vest for farm work next week and I gotta get a move on. All I need now is to cut out the batting and get to it. So hopefully today.

I took photos, I might try writing up how-tos on the dyeing and on the repurposed denim stuff, but I also might not. If I was doing this again I would probably not bother with the ice, for the rainbow one. We'll see once the properly ice dyed dress comes out of this wash, I can hear the washer spinning but I'm trapped under Chita at the moment.

I missed this week's fic update because I'm progressing so slowly on both current active WIPs. I have a bunch written ahead in both, but each one has the back half of the current chapter just held up waiting for me to write them; I've overcome the structural decisions that delayed me, but I have to just sit and write them. And both of them are complicated scenes I've been waiting to write a long time, so I'm looking forward to writing them, and so like, paradoxically, can't make myself do it. Because once I've done it I'll have done it, see... anyway. Silly but there it is. I'll get through it once I decide I deserve that treat. I know! I know.

[maibluemen]

it's been a hair over a year since i last posted any fic/updated last light (look. i know the exact date bc it's also my sister's birthday i swear i have not actually been obsessing over this lol). i'll probably? be able to update this month, the next chapter is mostly done and then needs to be edited. mostly i need to sit down and just write it lol

it's felt a lot like the past couple of years, everything that could go wrong has gone wrong, and it sucks to add all of that to a laundry list of pre-existing mental health Issues (the combo of adhd/depression/ocd deserves a special place in hell). social media has been....really rough, especially with the ocd. i simply don't have spoons to deal with it much and it doesn't take a lot to make me spiral in such a way i've nearly called 911 on myself a few times. i've unfollowed and blocked people over genuine grievances but also because i simply can't deal with it. and i'm going to keep doing that, and likely cycling between using socmed a fair amount and avoiding it for long stretches of time. i'm going to keep running the horror week, tho i think i'm going to have to put a pin in rusliet week for the time being, btwn my mental health and feeling really pessimistic about participation for numerous reasons (mostly the mental health tho, and also not knowing what my schedule is actually going to look like any more than a week out at a time atm). and all of this isn't getting into everything that's been going on offline either lol

but i did want to say that i appreciate everyone who has stuck with me, and stuck with my fics. and especially thanks to the people who comment, seeing ao3 emails about getting a comment have made me tear up lol and there's some of you i need to still reply to on ao3 proper but for now please take my thanks here

i also wanted to say that although i haven't posted in (just over) a year doesn't mean i haven't written, either, because i write things out of order and also write snippets of other things....if i can find my outline for the fra/pol/pru murder mystery fic, i'd like to start working on that for real and have it up by halloween, and then also get back to working on oneshots, too. and rework the LL outline...i was going to do that in scriv but i'm a bit hesitant to pay for scriv rn so i might be messing around with pen and paper a bit before typing it up nicely in word lol....anyway. i haven't actually lost interest in writing fic, though there are definitely patches there....but these story ideas and characters live in my head rent free and what can i say i like to write! so it will be exorcised from me eventually lol

[ladymirdan]

I've had such an amazing day today.

I guess there is no secret that my interest in 40k has waned slightly recently.

I feel I get less and less comments on my posts/fics/art, despite getting a lot more followers (and with that, a lot more unhinged hate DMs) Ive started to feel like the hobby had lost that spark for me.

I've been into Warhammer for a loooong time.

I first got into the hobby (WH Fantasy) in 2003 and I was immediately hooked. I was blown away by how cool the worldbuilding was, but more importantly how friendly the community was.

My FLGS let me, a broke-ass student, sit and paint my army in store for literal hours on end. Always so happy to see me, despite me hardly ever buying anything. And let me tell you, I was a shy and awkward kid, and they always remembered my name and made me feel so welcome.

I haven't really engaged with Warhammer online until about a year and a half ago when I created my ao3 account. At first it seemed just as friendly as my offline experiences. But recently? I feel like I'm either ignored whenever I comment or try to interact with the community or worse, get told I suck or should go kill myself.

So I just felt it was time to maybe leave, (but I admit, the sunk cost makes it difficult) The only thing I really looked forward to was the minipainting classes I take once a week.

But today I got that magick feeling back. And remembered how much I love this hobby.

I went to my local GW for the new 10th edition 40k release. I’m a time pessimist as usual and arrived 1,5h early 😅 and found out there was only one other guy in line before me, but rather soon a bunch of other people showed up.

Everyone was sooo excited to be there and I made a bunch of new friends in line.

Then I got in and ordered my box (and I also managed to snag the special edition signed book that is a tie in with the box! That felt so much fun, I have never managed to get one of those before despite really trying).

I also got some of the new Death Guard Space Marine Heroes packs. A kid behind me in the queue also got some because he wanted a specific hero (that he unfortunately didn't get) I suggested I open my packs and see if I got one and then we could trade. I did get that model, and he was so excited and thankful, it really made my day since I didnt care that much for that particular model, but to him it was everything.

Everyone in the store was so hyped, and the mood was so great I didn't want to leave, so when I overheard some of the guys I hung out with in line ask if there was a mini of the month they could build, I tagged along.

The store staff was as amazing as always and brought out not only the mini of the month, but also three other models they still had in stock from previous months.

So I ended up building 4 minis in the store along with a bunch of other people.

I met a really nice couple that was pretty new to the hobby and they asked if I was excited for the new box because half of it was Ultramarines (I told them I love the Ultra boys, big chock 😅) but I explained that there was nothing Ultramarine specific in the box and one could paint them as any chapter they wanted.

And boy, they were amazed! They had no idea that all space marines are generic models and they were so curious about other chapters and I tried to explain that there was a chapter for pretty much anything and any colour.

The girl ended up really liking the Soul Drinkers and the guy was on the fence between Blood Angels and sticking to Ultramarines :D

So my advice to anyone else that feels like the hobby is toxic, or is tired of the “my army is soo much cooler then yours/everyone who likes this sucks”, please join the real world.

This hobby is soo amazing, and it is filled with so many happy, passionate people, all loving this weird little hobby.

Over 20+ years, a dozen or more game stores/clubs; I have never had a bad IRL experience with Warhammer. I really wish I could say the same thing about the online experience.

[trulybetty]

Sunday Week In Review XIV

How's everyone doing? I skipped out on last week's update since it was a really slow week on all fronts for all the things for me last week. Things picked up a bit this week - but I'll be honest, I'm having a hard time finding my feet around here at the moment and finding a groove to get into.

Not sure if it's that time of year, a bit of a writing lull or what - but I've been a little meh, not in the sad sense - more like I'm a petulant child offered six different things and I turn my nose up at all of them because I don't know what I want lol.

Also trying to figure out a system for getting through my TBR list, right now it feels like it's out of control and there are only so many I can read in a week. Especially since I want to get through some of my physical TBR pile and dedicate a couple nights a week to offline reading.

Anyway, enough about me seemingly channelling Baby Truly™️ - on with the recap of the last two weeks!

T R U L Y   U P D A T E S . . .

I did a second round of the 'First Sentence' ask game, which I absolutely adore! If you haven't done it before, I very much recommend it! If you do this, tag me so I can come throw a sentence at you!

Round 2

tim x cagney (f!reader)

jack x reader (f!reader)

joel x Charlotte (OFC)

dieter x bryony (OFC)

jack x reader (f!reader)

frankie x clementine (OFC)

W H A T   I   R E A D . . .

Delta Landscaping (Triple Frontier) by @rhoorl Jess' series has me on tenterhooks for every update and then on the edge of my seat waiting for more! This last update we entered the start of Frankie's arch and while it pulls at the heartstrings, I'm so here for it and what's to come next! Also, Benny entering his Rocky era (Jess didn't write this, I've decided it) is something I'm also very much ready for!

Paranoid Hearts (Javi P.) by @goodwithcheese This series. This series is just something else and I finally got my ass into gear to get caught up, and while on the one hand, I'm sorry I started so late on the other hand I enjoyed this smorgasbord of Javi and Tabitha.

he makes life better (Joel) by @wildemaven This is such a warm comforting hug of a fic that just seeps into your bones, that makes your toes curl in softness and you re-read more than once. This is everything fluff should make you feel and I adore each and every last part of this and will be re-reading this.

Headshots (Marcus P.) by @secretelephanttattoo I was not ready for this to end, but El gave our boy Marcus the ending he and his Ella deserved and it was both spicy and sweet. If you've not read this yet, I suggest you do. Also, peep her forthcoming wip... 🔎

Thrash Metal (Dieter) by @morallyinept Jett is back with another delectably mouthwatering smutty one-shot with our favourite deviant Dieter Bravo. This is sinfully indulgent and a must-read and one that lends itself to definitely more than one read.

Six and a half minutes - Frankie's version by @avastrasposts This one calls for a breakout of the Hot Ones gif for sure, because this was the mood the entire time I read this. If anything, Frankie is not one to back down from a challenge...

Medicine (Joel) by @goodwithcheese I was so excited to see Megan had written for Joel that I had to drop everything to read this over my coffee the other morning. I love everything about the dynamic between these two and how Megan illustrates the deep affection they have for one another through their actions as we all know our post-outbreak Miller is not one quick with his words. I hope this isn't the last we see of Joel here!

M E M O R A B L E   P O S T S . . .

Heidi’s amazing mood board inspired by Sequins! 😍 I’m still in absolute awe of it and I love it so much! I think it's going to get a spot on my work desk this week! 💕

These thots had started off as Joel Thots, but have now morphed into Tim Thots and I'm not mad about it... might share a little snippet later 😏

@morallyinept's 'Ode to Writers' this week - I'm going to refrain from getting on my soapbox here (I'd be here all day) - but the table is not finite, it's infinite. If you're not inching your chair down to make room for another chair, or pulling the spare chairs in from the garage, then maybe you need to re-evaluate your relationship with this community.

E N J O Y E D  T H I S  W E E K  . . .

Finally watching ‘Strange Way of Life’ and getting to live message my thots to @rhoorl as I watched - it was a cinematic dissection.

Date night with Mr. Truly - we spent the entire two hours wondering what people do on dates aside from watching their phones and waiting for a call to say your kids are out of control and have taken over Nakatomi Plaza. But needless to say, we had fun, I even ate a meal without someone else's hand in it.

Amazing moots being mooting awesome 🙌 - I'm thankful every day that I get to interact with some wonderful people and have found a lovely corner of this hell site to play in a sandbox with some amazing people 💕

S P E C I A L M E N T I O N . . .

Check out this writing challenge that myself and a group of people that I'm lucky to call moots created that we would love for you to join in on! Everything about it is random and everyone starts with the same parameters and everything else after that is up to you! So excited to see what everyone does with this!

Do I know anything about Javi Pēna? Nope. Am I going to join in? Yes I am! 🙌

See you January 1st to dive into all the fics this challenge I hope produces! 💛

T H I S  W E E K ' S  J A M . . .

Thank you to @gnpwdrnwhiskey for inspiring this week's selection after she pointed out the parallels to Chiffon that I haven't been able to get out of my head since.

Hope everyone has had a great week! Here's to a great week ahead and I hope its a good one full of obnoxious drinks of choice and soft places to land and enjoy.

[avacynthia]

(ooc. just wanted to pop in and apologize for being so quiet communication-wise recently!!

having a massively busy couple days at work and received some heavy personal news recently on top of everything, which caused me to cancel a planned vacation that I had for next week so I could support others and process on my own time.

I'm hanging in there but I'm tired and admittedly very in my feelings as of current, lol. I appreciate those who have checked in SO much, and I have found so much comfort in writing on and offline lately, I swear it heals. I'm hoping to spend a lot of this weekend and next week catching up on things here, so we'll see how that goes. in the meantime, please feel free to send stuff for me to respond to here or across all my blogs if you want to interact or (re)start something, because I'm hopefully about to be around.

Feel like I've been saying this so much lately, but thanks for your patience. This year's been such a wild one so far, but--despite all the change--you can't keep me away from playing these keys for long. Be back very soon. ❤️)

[a-b-riddle]

Pen Pals Chapter Two: Confessions

We never really spoke over the phone that much after that. We still messaged constantly through text or via messenger. C made honest on his promise of financially supporting me. It was more money than I knew what to do with to be honest. I was constantly asking him what to do with it. I mentioned I had no furniture.

Why don't you get some? You should have more than enough in your account by now.

Can I?

Of course. You don't have to ask permission before making a big purchase, sweetheart.

Okay. Do you mind if I send you some pics? I've never had to buy furniture and I would like your opinion.

Of course. 

With that I went to work. I ordered most of my things from Ikea, but the one thing I got, which was stupid, but something I always wanted was a velvet chesterfield sofa. I sent C a couple of color options and asked which one he liked.

Blue. It's my favorite color and goes with just about anything.

So I ordered it. It came almost a week later and was the last thing I needed to really make my apartment feel like home. 

It looks good. Good job, gorgeous. 

I felt so proud of his approval. I did feel guilty about spending so much money on a couch, but he liked it and he was paying the bill for it.

A few months passed before I finally got the interview for Stark Industries lined up and C was less than pleased about it. 

It has nothing to do with your area of study. The whole point of me taking care of you was so that you could wait out a position at a university.

I understand that, but it's been months and it doesn't look like things are going to open up in time for me to start teaching in the fall. 

You're back tracking. I don't think you should just give up and settle on whatever job you can get. 

For some reason that struck a nerve. I wasn't giving up, but things happen. The entire world has been put on pause and who knows when life would return to normal. 

Nowhere is hiring and I need a job. I have been cooped up in this apartment for months and I can't take it anymore. At this point I don't care if it's in retail. My mental health can't take being alone and inside like this anymore. The only social interaction I get is either talking to you or going to the grocery story. I have been in the city for months and I haven't made a single friend. I understand your concern, but it's not your decision to make. I will eventually get there, but this is something I want to do. I appreciate all of your help, but as I said, it's not your decision to make.

I turned the messenger offline.

A few days had passed with nothing from C. However, when Friday rolled around, money was still deposited into my account. Maybe it was automated and it accidentally posted. This had been the longest we went without communicating since the start of our little arrangement. 

After a few glasses of liquid courage, I called him. It was late in the evening, way past my normal bedtime, but I wanted to talk to him. At least to let him know about the deposit.

"Hello?" He answered. His voice was scratchy and slow.

"What are you doing?" I asked stupidly.

"I am trying to sleep considering it is nearly 2 A.M." I heard him groan. "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, I just wanted you to know the money got posted to my account." I swallowed. "I was wondering if you had venmo or something and I could send it back.

"Why would I want you to send it back?"

"Because I got a job and you don't approve."

"You don't have the job yet, you have an interview." He corrected.

"And because I don't think I was nice."

"Nice?"

"With how I spoke to you. Or 'typed' I guess." I huffed and laid down on the couch. "I shouldn't have caught an attitude like that. I'm sorry. You've been a saving grace these last few months and I really appreciate everything you've done for me." I finished off the glass of sweet moscato.

"It's okay." He reassured me. "I understand you probably are sick of staying inside, but I just want you to be safe and not settle." God, how was he so perfect?

"I got to thinking." I felt warmth of the wine start to get to my cheeks. "You know, we have been friends for like five years and I have no clue what you like and you know what I look like and you know I like you? Isn't that stupid? Like I have no clue what you look like and I like a stranger I've never met."

"You sound drunk." He chuckled. 

"I've had a couple of glasses of wine," I admitted. "But I'm not just saying that because I've had a few glasses of wine. And like I'm kind of glad I haven't seen you. I mean you're this person I can't even envision and you know that now you know where I live and I don't know."

"What are you trying to say? That it makes you uncomfortable that I know your address?"

"No, it's like..." The words embarrassed me as they came out of my mouth. "I don't want to say like aroused, but.. I don't know." I fell against the bed. "It's something that I think about sometimes." He was quiet and I felt like I had said something wrong. "I'm sorry that was too much. I shouldn't have called. I'm sorry, go back to sleep. I'll talk to you tomorrow." And with that I hung up the phone. 

That was too much. Oh my god why did I say that? Did I seriously just tell him I thought it was hot that I didn't know what he looked like? Shit shit shit.

I got up and put my empty glass of wine in the sink, promising to unload the dishwasher when I didn't feel so lightheaded.

Suddenly, from across the room, my phone began to ring. It was him.

"Tell me what exactly you think about, Princess."

[fountainpenguin]

"I've got to be where my spirit can run free... Got to find my corner of the sky~!" (x)

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New Dog's Life chapter today! ~ 3rd Life series fan-season

Chapter 12 - “Intermission Boogie”

Read on AO3

Start from Chapter 1

More Pixels Imperfect fics

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The days between Sessions 1 and 2 trickle by… Sniff searches for his place in the world and has a run-in with Scar. Grian takes a look at Impulse's code. Meanwhile, Cleo and Martyn get into trouble and Bdubs helps Scott investigate the anarchy breach.

(First 1,000 words under the cut)

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🌓 🖤 🖤

Tuesday

SnifferMyFeet

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Etho's Void-black room is a lot more fun without Etho in it, until it's not. Pause and Beef both went offline. Nobody's here to tell him what to do. Sniff bounces on Etho's bed, slapping the ceiling on every jump. He tries to do a backflip, but… too scared. He gets too close to landing funny on his neck and stops bouncing after that.

My gods, it's so dark in here…

The room feels like an open night sky. Sniff tests his weight against the mattress, bouncing just a little, and watches the glowing glitter up and down his arms. He's leaking… but the little sparks he's producing are drifting upwards, against gravity. Is that Etho? Is Etho the sparks? Where do they go? Sniff tries to follow them, but they twinkle and dissipate in the air. He pats his head, ruffling his hair, and checks the mirror hanging on the back of Etho's bedroom door. Huh. Yeah, his hair's leaking glittery bits too.

I guess this makes sense? When I ate his soul, he didn't really go down my throat. He kind of melted in my mouth and blended with my gums… Well, maybe just a little of my throat. But he didn't make it to my stomach. So if he didn't get digested like meat or bread, I guess this is how he leaves my system? Etho's mind may be unconscious, but the particles of light that form his body seem to be escaping through tiny gaps between Sniff's pixels. That's his current theory, anyway.

Okay… That checks out, actually. That goes along with what Grian said about getting cycled into the system faster if Martyn eats you than if Bdubs does. Bdubs eats more, so it probably takes a lot longer for everyone to sneak out again.

Huh. Sniff flaps his arms, trying to shake Etho's particles out faster, but that actually stops him from glittering for a hot second. It's a couple minutes before the sparkles start up again. Oops. Maybe all that shaking made whatever's left of Etho's consciousness kinda dizzy. Sorry, soulmate. Boat Boys for life.

Then he smacks himself across the cheek. What am I saying? Etho was Joel's soulmate. Not mine. Boat Boys are dead in the water anyway. They don't matter. Etho yanked him into Between to do one job and that's it. He doesn't care. There's probably something going on with Bdubs or the real Joel or Beef or Pause or Cleo anyway. He told me himself he was only cuddling up because he's greedy and touch-starved. My gods, Sniff… Get over him. Boat Boys are over and he was never yours anyway, so treat him like an ex. You've got Pig now. It's time to move on.

Etho snuffed the lanterns out before bed. Try as he might, Sniff can't find a proper lighter. He checks every kitchen drawer and even some in the front room, but nothing. Etho's lack of interest in knick-knacks, apparently, extends to the entire bleedin' flat. And there's no blimmin' coal around either, so he can't craft any torches. Absolute disappointment. He slams the last drawer shut in a huff, then flops against the counter.

I'm so bored…

Which is maybe a bit pathetic, actually. Sniff rolls over, sprawling his arms across the counter from this angle too. Ceiling's lame… Everything's lame. At least the dark is good for one thing. The purpur flooring's a lot less ugly when you can't see it.

It's not like he's never been alone before. He used to be alone all the time back on his home world - He really needs a cool name for it, like 'Empires' or 'Hermitcraft' but like, personal - and he'd pass days or even weeks with Pig only popping in every now and then. That was lonely too, like this.

But the thing is, when Pig was gone, Sniff still had a whole server to explore. He picked apart every End City he could find. He got wings. He wrangled villagers. He beefed himself up with enchanted netherite gear. He built himself a flying ship.

But I can't build anything here. Or at least, Etho and Grian said you can't place blocks in New Star Station. The whole thing's bugged out or something? Spawn protection? Not sure. To be fair, he barely paid attention as he had other things on his mind.

Well, if he can't build… At least he can explore. Etho tried to spook him out, claiming the HALO team or big bad Bdubs might come to log him out if he isn't careful, but what's it to him? Sniff just ate the man. And if he can eat Etho, what's to stop him from eating anyone else? He can eat anyone he wants. Yeah, that's right. His fingers, still splayed, tighten into fists.

Bdubs said it himself: he didn't want to poke around in here because he thought I might log him out…

Everybody's scared of vex. Even HALO. Even the phantoms. Sniff studies the blank ceiling in the dark for another couple seconds, then peels away from the counter. He walks straight through the den, slides open the bamboo door, and steps onto the balcony. Fresh air… Stale air, technically? They're still under bedrock-

"What are you doing?" asks a voice from above, and Sniff jumps about four blocks in the air.

"WHAAAA!? Oh my- What?"

Cackling laughter breaks out above him. Sniff jerks up his head, breathing hard. TwoMuchGrian is perched right on a copper bar above his head, arms wrapped around his stomach. He's doubled over, wheezing like an absolute madman (My gods…) His hair waterfalls down one shoulder, swishing with every wingbeat. He's losing petals from his flower crown. Sniff drags his hand straight down his lips.

"Oh my gosh… Two, what the hell? You scared the blimmin' daylights out of me! Ohh, I'm gonna be sick!"

It takes several seconds of laughter before Two's caught his breath enough to answer. He unfolds. He rights himself on the rod, letting his wings flap down in a blur of blue and gold feathers. "Ohhhh… You have no idea how long I've been waiting to catch you, Sniff. Ohhh… That's going in your newbie clip comp for sure." Two holds his fingers up in Ls, framing Sniff between them like he's pinned on a comm screen. "Wooo… How you feelin'?"

"Like I just short-circuited my own hearts. My gosh, you are something else. Uggggh… I'm so mad. You're so bloody lucky I don't have any weapons on me right now."

[Cnt'd on AO3 - Link at top]

[carusoaids]

Taking a break

Hi.

I want to announce that I'll be off Tumblr for an indefinite amount of time.

I don't make this decision lightly. I created this blog at the beginning of the week with the intention of promoting campaigns and replying to all the people who had reached me out before. My goal was to have them answered by the end of the week. Sunday has come and that is not the case. I want to apologize.

As I've mentioned before, I got sick for a couple of days. Especifically with gastritis due to a great amount of stress from issues stemming from my personal life and the medicine's patent of my anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds. I was nauseous, fatigued, barely able to eat, barely able to stand still and suffering from constant headaches and stomaches. You may think I'm exaggerating, but I've suffered on-and-off gastrointestinal problems since I was 18 entirely because of stress. It is something I have to keep in check.

Originally, I wanted to take a break to reorganize my life, as I've been doing so many things in such a short amount of time. But I decided to come back as I didn't want to leave the people I've been in contact and fail the people who have reached out to ask for my help.

While I don't completely regret it, it wasn't the best decision for me, my mind or my body. I feel like I've delayed my recovery by spending almost all of my day here, trying to do my best under a lot of fatigue and pain. I'm doing better, but now I've been suffering from insomnia, as my brain won't shut off after logging out, and gotten constant headaches for looking at the screen for extended periods of time. I've sacrificed physical movement to sit in a chair for hours just writing posts and responding to messages.

i don't say this to blame anybody, it was my mistake not establishing clear cut boundaries and enforcing them. I'm telling you this to make you understand the level of stress I've been going through. Genuinely, I don't even enjoy logging here or on insta.

I haven't had the time or energy to draw and do things for myself other than playing some games. I don't even feel comfortable logging to check my art blog because I'll know I'll get bombarded with messages asking for help.

I would like to state that my art blog is a place for me, where I can be myself. It is a space for all the topics I want to tackle, not just political, activism or mutual aid related. Please do not try to contact me there to circumvent my closed askbox and messages in my other blogs, I find it very disrespectful and I will not reply to you (the exception are people I've kept in contact and community organizers).

I'm feeling defeated, depressed...I cried on thursday night because I felt so guilty feeling this way. It feels lonely logging here. I don't have anyone to talk to, to rely on or to ask for help when I'm feeling this way. I only have my friends who are not on this platforms.

i apologize for making this so sentimental, but I'm at my limit. I'm tired and hurt.

I everything goes well, I'll be doing some activism work irl in a couple of weeks. It's still unconfirmed, so I will not get ahead of myself. But if it happens, it'll be hard to juggle my community care and mutual aid efforts online and my activities offline. So, I'd rather put my energy there for the time being.

i hope to return rejuvenated and full of energy. See you and take care.

[endorstoiii]

My wright #3 - I'm back

I know I've been very far from tumblr for a long time, but I had no idea my last appearance here was on Feb 20th. Long four months that, honestly, felt like just a few weeks.

I don't remember the exact reason why I got offline, but I suppose it was a huge amount of tasks (home + course), and add it tons and tons of exhaustion (mental, emotional and physical).

It's no surprise that my life only gets worse, and I'm not exaggerating or being dramatic or playing the victim. I really mean it. Also, I'm not being negative and pessimist. Nothing works for me. I am unemployed and I'm looking for a job for three years. Ok, we had a fucking pandemic in the middle of the process, but things are back to normal already and everyone I know had success after all of that. Except for me. Do you know how fucked up is it to be unemployed? It more than sucks. I only get older (and more tired) and it hinders to find a job. Not only "I am too old" to get a beginners job, but also I feel so uncapable, psicologically I am destroyed because no matter how hard I try to get my shit together, nothing works. I even get some job interviews, but I never step forward. I can't get a job as a designer. I can't get a job as anything else — I tried to get a job on many different areas, except for seller cause the pressure is way too much for me to handle (I am way too bad already, I can't get any worse or God knows what may happen) — I can't get any little ray of success at anything at all. Why? Is it me?

Honestly, I don't think I am the problem. Not anymore. I used to think I was terrible as a student, as a designer and then I would be a terrible professional as well. Plus, I am too shy and dumb, I wouldn't know what to do in much pressure, and job recruiters know that and would never approve me. But no. I know I am good in what I do. Obviously I'm not the best (and I think I don't even want to be, so that's ok), but I'm good and I deserve more. I am so attentious, cautios and passionate (finally! this would be a good topic to write about: my passion for design). And being shy and dumb? Like... Everyone is hah I know people who are even shyer and dumber, and they have a job, they do a great work. So, no. I am not the problem. So, the only answer I can think of is: external influence. I am the least spiritual person I know (another good topic to write about), but oh man, it's the only thing that makes any sense to me. I believe the horrendous, deep and negative energy of the enviroment I live in, unfortunately influences my paths. And not only to get a job, but to anything to me. For example, I can't have a date. I can't. My life is too bad, my psychologic is too bad, my emotional too bad. This is all because of this fucking shitty energy of the enviroment I live in.

Well, no surprises here. But yeah my life was a mess and got even worse. It gets worse with time. And as if everything isn't all fucked up already, my grandma (who is kinda still recovering from her knee fracture) fell of the stairs and broke her two wrists. Now, again, me and my mom have to take care of her — but this time we must keep our eyes on her all. the. time. Do you know how exhausting and demanding taking care of an old person can be??? I had no clue until last year when she broke her knee, now it's her knee and two arms. My God.

Just when I thought I was getting a bit better, I got totally worse again. But now I feel like I'm a little bit less shitty than I was a couple of months ago. Seriously, about two months ago I was so bad as I've never been my whole life :( I tried looking for psychological help but, uh oh, how will I afford it if I'm unemployed? I can't get better psychologically, I can't get better emotionally, I can't get better financially, I can't get better in any layer of life... However, these past weeks I felt a little motivation to just keep on going one day at a time, I miss tumblr and I miss my friends & mutuals, I miss doing those tagging post stuff. These are some of the things that bring me some joy :) despite feeling the worst ever, I want to be here and I want to keep on doing, cause if I don't, I will probbaly disassociate for real and I don't even know what's next.

This is probably the longest text post I've written here, but well deserved cause four months away from my safe place... It's a lot. I don't know how long this motivation phase will take, I hope it's like before. But while I'm here, I want to be here.

[lapinlunaire-games]

Do you have any progress update for The Harrowed (...)? Or it's on hiatus?

Thank you for asking! I've been taking a break from H&H to rework/rethink some of the game mechanics and work on submissions to a couple game jams. H&H is still very much in development though, but I think I've worked myself into a little bit of a corner with wanting it to be perfect. It's like when you get a new journal or sketchbook or jar of peanut butter, and you want to dive in and get started, but you're so afraid/reluctant to ruin the perfection of a blank/smooth surface haha.

That being said, I do want to take a second to write out everything that I've made in the meantime, because it's quite a bit!

For the Goncharov Game Jam, Goncharov: Coda! An all-in, behind-the-scenes adventure through the 2022 remake of the 1973 classic, filled with improv and memery.

For Ectocomp 2022 (English; Grand Guignol), Quintessence, an interactive story about individual agency, fairytales, and the kind of magic that lives in very old, very cold waters.

And coming very, very soon, a submission to the Twine Sci-Fi Jam about planned obsolescence, memory smuggling, and the legacy of 90s magical girl anime, all while roaming the seven starseas.

I have roughly 3k written right now, with a lot more to come with branching/variations, but I'm not going to grind myself too thin on it. I'm really excited to share this world and story, but this will be a short demo because I needed a break after cranking out two jam entries in a few weeks, and because offline life has had me in a mildly unfriendly chokehold recently. In the new year, I promise there will be more news!

[frecklystars]

Wow, 32 asks. Thank you guys so much 😭😭 last night was one of the worst shifts I ever had at work. I feel like i keep reverting back to a year ago when everything was fresh. it's been extraordinarily difficult the past couple of months but it always eases the ache when I read nice messages. it genuinely calms me down a lot when other people tell me it's gonna be ok. so thank you to everyone who took the time to do that for me ;-;

I'm gonna be honest, I feel super hopeless. I am not getting joy from anything right now. Drawing, socializing, watching movies, listening to music, I'm feeling *absolutely nothing*. I am triggered by the SMALLEST fucking things that I thought I was getting better at handling. I'm having trouble wearing skirts again. I'm flinching around the color pink when I was doing SO much better with it. For the last nine days, I haven't gone three hours without having a panic attack. I'm not sleeping. My flashbacks are lasting longer. I'm having out of body experiences again for the first time in almost a year. I feel so hopeless. I told myself one year ago "hey I feel like I'm dying right now my ptsd is so fucking bad but! hey! one year from now, I'll feel better! this will feel so far away from me!" but I don't. I don't feel better. I don't think it's possible to feel better bc I'm too broken. It's been over a year and I don't feel like it's possible for me to make progress.

My Barbie/Ken anniversary is coming up and I was excited for the first couple of weeks, but right now I just... feel absolutely nothing. I am so, so, so severely depressed and my anxiety is getting worse every day. I need help out of my unsafe situation so fucking bad dude it's just gonna kill me. I'm so scared this whole thing is gonna genuinely kill me. I wish I could talk about it but I don't want to scare people but at the same time, it's so bad and it's weighing on me so heavily and I am so fuckign tired of dealing with this every single day

I don't know if I'm gonna go offline or not, bc my problem isn't even online. so... I don't see how being offline would help much. I just feel like I'm supposed to do SOMETHING, literally ANYTHING to feel something. Going offline last time made me feel significantly worse, so maybe that shouldn't be my next step. But I feel nothing when I'm blogging right now. I tried making a Jacob edit the other day and I felt no joy. I want to be filling up my queue for the 21st, all of my Barbie and Ken photos and gifsets. I should be writing Barbie and Ken love notes. I should be making video edits again! but I feel nothing!!! This is the one and only anniversary that actually matters to me this year - sorry to the other 12 Ryan F/Os who have anniversaries but THIS ONE is THE most important one, because these two characters are the F/Os that have helped me the most with my abuse trauma/cptsd. They're the whole reason why I started self shipping again. I want to celebrate that. I want to be excited about it. I am just so fucking numb.

I NEED to feel something for this anniversary, I miss celebrating F/O anniversaries! I don't get to do that anymore since self shipping was ruined for me! Since my main F/Os were ruined for me! I deserve to have a good time with my new F/Os!! I am a good person and I am kind despite all the bullshit I've been through and I work really hard to try to heal from shit! I try to stay positive and I try to help people and I!!! Deserve!! To have a day where I feel good with my F/Os without reliving every single horrifying vile thing that someone did to me! but I feel so empty right now and it hurts! I was excited a couple of weeks ago when I was planning all the activities i was gonna do on the 21st, like a restaurant and a movie and baking and throwing a party with my friends, but now?? Nothing. Absolutely NOTHING in my heart. I feel so goddamn empty. I am so depressed. I really really feel like I can't get better. It's been over a year and I am incapable of healing from my trauma and I don't know what to do about it. I am trying so many things to heal!! I'm going walking, I'm eating way healthier and cutting sugar to see if that helps clear my head a bit more, I'm getting sun, I'm drinking so much water, I'm exercising, I've cut my screen time significantly and reading more often, I'm hanging out with my friends as much as I can, I am trying everything in the book and I feel like a zombie just sitting here and rotting to death, going through the motions and reliving my trauma in my head over and over and over and over and over and over again and I can't get any fucking peace. It's like everybody in the world is living their days while the planet is spinning but I am stuck in the same spot reliving the most horrific bullshit imaginable over and over and over. I feel like I've lost almost 2 years of my life to trauma. I don't feel like I've aged, I feel like everything happened yesterday. I feel like I'm stuck in one spot while everybody else is walking forward and I can't move.

Sorry to ramble I didn't mean to turn this into a vent post but idk what else to do. I don't know if I should go offline on my actual anniversary or maybe a couple of days leading up to it?? Or maybe I'm supposed to BE online and blog about the F/Os to see if that helps me feel better?? Being offline made me feel worse. But being online isn't helping me either. Dude I don't fucking know. I need to work on some crafts or something. I need to make a BarbieLand diorama and paint it. I'm gonna bake heart shaped cookies for the first time this weekend. I'm gonna invite my friends over and we're gonna have a party on Sunday and watch the Barbie movie together. I don't know what else to do but I have to just... keep trying I guess even though I feel nothing while doing these things, it's better than doing nothing

If anyone has advice or something, it's more than welcome. Or even just a "wow, that's rough, buddy". I'm sorry for being negative, I try to remain positive on this hellsite but it's so hard right now. Thank you again to everyone who wrote me a nice message last night when I was hurting. I'm sorry I'm gonna probably be asking for encouraging messages a few more times in the next few weeks bc supportive messages are the only things that have been effectively (affectively?) helping me lately

[astrarchee]

updates [03/13/2023];

hello everyone!

apologies from the get go, for my silence. i know that this blog is pretty much run on a queue of various quotes / prompts / writing things / etc., and not even many people following... but to those that are here, following because you enjoy my work, i wanted to provide an update on what's going on with everything:

[to save on space, everything is below the cut. TL;DR also below the cut.]

chasing down the gods ⇨

the update is much, much later than i had previously promised. this is due to some things that happened offline, and threw my mind [and - generally - everything] into a bit of chaos. it's been hard to find inspiration, so i was giving myself some breathing space. my hope and goal is to get the chapter done this week, since the following one is already completed. i had considered posting that, but i don't want to time-skip quite yet. i don't think it's fair to all of you who have stuck with me for... 8 years, if my math is semi correct. in the interim, i actually made this fun page for it [link also in the sidebar/drop down titled "check the page"]! my hope is to make one for every work i've posted / am working on [aka, WIPs and completed]. feel free to check it out! i hope you all like it [it's dark mode, and should be mobile friendly-ish].

now, speaking of WIPs...

untitled gd fic ⇨

if you check this blog's homepage much [i will not blame you if you don't], you will have noticed a new work was put under the right sidebar [dropdown menu on mobile]. this was titled "untitled gd fic," and i am happy to announce that i am ready to reveal some first insights! as with cdtg, a WIP page has been made. as much as I would love to share it, due to a title being... not there, the url is a bit choppy. so, to make it up a bit, here's a photo so you all can have a sneak preview:

a couple notes:

this will be multichapter

this will be close to complete / mostly completed prior to uploading beginning

current ETA for uploads starting is may 2023 [forgoing more unforeseen life issues]

none of the bigger "archive warnings" for AO3 will apply [i.e. no non-con / major character death / etc.]* * only exception might be gore, but the plan is to not have extreme graphic details. think more criminal minds prior to it going to paramount+ and thus being able to show more.

when we are in april, my hope is to have the page itself available for everyone to check out. i am hoping to use these across the board

anything else ⇨

as said, these pages will be made for every fic. so, that includes mending bones and packed lunches and misplaced mistletoes. i will be putting links to these... somewhere. i have not gotten that far in my thought process. but, this allots a bit of time to actually work on things for this blog / towards my muse and writing inspiration, rather than just sitting and waiting.

one more thing [almost posted without mentioning this]: i will be linking to my main blog for a fic rec list. there, you'll find fics i've read and recommend for various fandoms. they were basically all wlw, but i don't know what else anyone would expect from me here. i will link both the mobile friendly edition, and the desktop version. i tend to prefer the desktop, but i know that tumblr mobile has become a lot more popular than when i first started here. i will note: i need to update it [has not been updated since... early february, i believe], but if you want something to read, check it out! my blog will also have a book rec page up eventually. that one takes a lot longer since that library is also expansive. if you want to go ahead and see recs now in the interim, here's the link to my blog's page with the direct links to said pages.

that's it though! i know i wrote a lot here, so:

TL;DR:

cdtg update will come as soon as life stops being messy + a fun WIP page

a new fic for a new fandom coming soon to a theater near you

pages for all previously completed works [aka all two of them] will be added to the blog very soon.

feel free to reach out, if you want to chat or anything. tumblr notifications are wonky as heck - but i will reply as swiftly as i can. hopefully i can do these kinds of updates biweekly / monthly. those of you here for the fic and the quotes, let me know if that sounds good to you.

much love - C

[savetooru]

i'm still a dragon

long time no see! or write? or something. i've been well! a little lost for sure, but largely coping better with the uncertainty of being a living, breathing person in the world. grandpa is two months out from his fracture and on the mend doing physical therapy every couple of days. i admit i haven't been to see him lately; he always looks so sad when i say i've got to leave. i'm working on it. thankfully one of my uncles has come down from the province to help care for him, which is sweet. taking time to regroup offline has been good. not that blogging takes that much of a toll on my mental faculties, but keeping up a presence anywhere on the web can sometimes feel like having another mask to maintain. personally i find it very quickly devolves into me fistfighting with phantom expectations, and this does nothing to forward my ultimate goal of becoming the coolest person ever. right, so— i took august off and started up my creative burnout recovery thread in early september instead. it's been surprisingly fun! i'm lagging behind my goals by a week or so, but i've picked up drawing practice again and it's not like, agonizing. i suspect this is because i mainly deal in graphic design and not illustration, but a win is a win.

the best thing about learning any craft is rediscovering how much intentionality there's got to be behind every move you make. even if a sketch doesn't turn out very well, the voice in my head that insists everything i do is a waste of time remains quiet for all of it. i struggle a lot with feeling present, but art has always been grounding in a way i can't really put into words.

a little practice sketch of aspen, my shifter artificer oc from the dnd campaign moi runs for us. the antithesis of cool, suave, and aloof— an anxious nerd who cares deeply about everybody. (perhaps too much.) i get teary-eyed thinking about the brimsverse kids all the time. sorting yourself out, especially while you're in school, is such an ordeal. i'm due to write a more in-depth entry about ocs, ttrpgs, and identity at a later date; but one of the most enduring joys of playing so far has been this: i may very well be the same timid, careless, superficial coward i was as a teenager. but aspen? i know he's getting stronger every day. this seems like a good place to end the entry. i'll definitely try to write again soon! while retreating has done a lot to calm my nerves, i won't lie: it's been lonely. p.s. for anybody reading who commemorates fma day yearly like i do— i hope your october 3rd was momentous. no going back now, right?

[tottwritesfanfic]

alright i want to apologise in advance a bit, because I recently tripped and fell into another BNHA fixation, and it's sorta getting in the way of my other stuff.

So. If I look as if I've jumped fandoms for the next however long...I really haven't. I just added to the pile, and I'm returning to my old VR AU because holy ensemble cast, it sure does scratch that itch.

...is it bad that ensemble casts are basically a prerequisite for any fandom I might get invested in enough to write for?

Anyway, not the point. The point is that I'm channelling my current obsession into NaNo this year (as co-ML for Kent's region I try to give it my all when I participate!), so I'm afraid everything else is probably not going to get much love for the next few weeks or so.

Probably. I know what I'm like, and I usually find it hard to stick to one project at a time, especially if I don't want to burn out. TBH, that's the other reason I'm doing this - so far, the only part of this AU i've posted is a standalone prequel fic which no one really cared about anyway because it had no ships. So if I burn out and this goes nowhere, at least I haven't left anyone hanging, right?

Also, if you want to take a peek at any of the decidedly excessive worldbuilding notes I've been putting together for the last couple of weeks, just hit me up. So far there's like...10k of it, including my musings on how the hell to turn quirks into VR hacks which make sense on a digital platform. Some of these are more straightforward than others, let me tell you.

I am also decidedly in love with how OFA/AFO works in this setting, but that's for me to know and you to find out if I ever get as far as posting this damn thing.

also also dropping this here because I can and it gives you a bit of an idea of the setting: In the AU, basically the surface of the planet got screwed over a couple of hundred years ago, and everyone lives underground, logging into a VR world where they can roleplay as pre-disaster humans for the sake of their sanity for their waking hours. Quirks are basically government-sanctioned hacks which people apply to their VR accounts, because ultimately it was easier to legitimise and legislate them than try and get people to stop doing that. A chief problem in the story is dealing with the fallout of an entire world of people who no longer remember how to touch grass. (It's a lot more serious than this, but basically my planning seriousness is inversely proportionate to the tone of the fic itself, and I just. I cannot talk about my work in any other way.)

Here's a snippet from my planning document to give you an example:

Aizawa is just a regular-ass dude who got his hero licence in spite of his Exploit rather than because of it. He’s also IRL ripped because his eye problems aren’t exactly conducive to 16 hours of screentime a day. This is why no fucker has heard of him, because all his heroics happen in short, irate bursts before he logs out to dose up on fucking eye drops.

His chief strength in this AU is not a borderline gamebreaking exploit, it’s the fact that he can, like, actually function in the real world a hell of a lot better than most folks.

Which meeeeeeaans, that he becomes 1A's teacher in the real world, after they all realise they need to buff up for this shit because they’re (mostly) totally clueless on how to function outside of the Interface. In this fic, UA is basically 1A's super secret offline school where they learn proper fitness and agility, and the physical, mechanical skills they’re gonna need in order to pull off the heist of the century. Hahaha, Aizawa is gonna be That Guy who is super strict about everyone’s screen time lmao.