#because i'm looking at the post and maybe it feels repetitive either visually or in what it's communicating

[softerhaze]

random outtakes that make me feel some type of way 💌

[fernlessbastard]

Oh man, I'm excited! Writing is definitely a pain in the ass (I've taken many years of novels, creative writing, debate, etcetera). Your story is incredibly enthralling and so accurate in regards to characters, I'm surprised anyone would find anything (such as repetition of certain words) bothersome.

Nonetheless, I do understand wanting it to be perfect and I hope reading/proofing over it goes well for you two. ❤️

-🎲 anon

Thank you so muchh

And don't worry, it's not that my boyfriend finds it bothersome and such - it just knows that I'm an insane perfectionist about my writing, and if I later find some repetition or a wonky sentence I will proclaim that I've brought dishonour to writing as an art form and I'll never write again (I'm a little bit dramatic like that UwU--) (also I'd definitely end up writing again, it'd just take like a long time and I'd rather finish IUTMTM before the death of the universe/lh)

To be fair it is in a decent part that perfectionism that lets me write the way I do. Like, yes, writing badly is much better than not writing, and I do my best to live by that, but editing is a different issue - I've had at least 7 drafts of chapter 2 as of now (and I only change the draft when I decide there's a big part I want to rewrite from scratch)(I actually could post like the first draft here - that could be interesting, idk, I'll maybe consider it)

But yeah, I will slave over a draft until I've squeezed everything I humanly could out of it, in which case either I think it's actually genuinely good and I enjoy reading it (and I'm very critical of my work), or until I decide it's hopeless, and just simply rewrite it completely from scratch, either keeping only specific passages, the general idea, or sometimes nothing at all

Tbh I think it's got to do with the fact that it's not a medium that's "native" to me, so to speak. Losing Face was my first actual piece of writing, with my previous "attempts" (mostly stories for school) consisting of like, much less than a thousand word each. I started writing a dnf/xdnf smut after my bf dared me to, which got abandoned at 2k words (I low-key wanna post that at some point too as a little crack one-shot, but i'd have to decide if I want it to be an actual piece of writing, in which case I'd have to finish it, or if I just want it to be a "look, this is where I started" kind of thing). I was praised for my art, so I gravitated towards that, and the more I did, the more embarrassed and ashamed I felt of my unrealised "affair" with writing. I'd write elaborate descriptions of headcanons and scenarios, fishing for compliments to have an excuse to actually write something. I don't remember how I started truly writing, but it absolutely had to do with the support I always get from my partner. And oh god, how I adore writing. I've always loved telling a story, but what truly makes me obsessed with it is playing with language itself. I love painting mental pictures. I love elaborate metaphors. I love portraying ugliness in a raw way that paradoxically makes it strangely beautiful. I love the words that don't just express their message through literal meaning, but also through how they visually look, how they sound, what core and pre-/inter-/suffix they have, how many syllables they have (my favourite go-to example is in Will Wood's "Front Street" - "the gnashing teeth will masticate the bones from the flesh"); I love using those words to juxtapose feelings (such as describing something as both raw and ugly, and yet beautiful exactly because of that). I love portraying ugliness in a raw way that paradoxically makes it strangely beautiful. I love playing with rhythm and momentum and run-on sentences, I love playing with formatting, to make the text flow on the page, I love using subtle sarcasm and making fun of the characters and their flawed logic through a flat narrating tone, and I love sprinkling characters' unreliable, subjective thoughts with nothing to distinct them from the rest of the text aside italics (I think it's much more immersive, adds to a "pov" lets the narrative evolve with the way characters think, and allows for a better flow of the text that ""(...)" he thought"). I love having a narrator with that subtle sass where the "insults" are indirect. When I write, I have several tabs open with thesauruses and dictionaries, not because I don't know the words I use (I make sure to keep my language authentic and to not overuse complex words just because - they all have a purpose, and 99,99% of the words I look up I already know), but because if I look up synonyms/translations then I have all the possible words in front of me and I can compare exactly how they look and sound (I'm heavily visual, ironically enough). I love pulling from more common Polish metaphors/sayings to form a more elaborate, non-obvious sentence/metaphor in English, and I love using translating as a tool to look for synonyms/replacements that maybe aren't an obvious alternative. I love writing scenes that feel genuine and real, and including the "ugly", human parts. I love writing flawed characters, I love describing their inner worlds, I love writing their streams of consciousness - I love turning them into real people (to the best of my abilities).

I love writing for the process. And it's funny, cause I don't exactly have that with art always. I'll be honest - I don't always love sketching and doodling. I do love watercolours. I'm sure it's honestly visible in how I paint, but playing with colours, layering, shading, shapes, undertones, etc is just my favourite thing in the world. But doodling by itself? Heavily depends, and a good portion of the time I just want to see the doodle ready, or to skip to watercolours, if I'm painting (although recently I've been getting better at just enjoying the process). But writing? Sure, sometimes I just want it over with, but the only reason why I'm able to go through all the drafts and countless edits is because just like with watercolours, I simply love the process of perfecting it, even if it gets frustrating.

TLDR I absolutely adore writing as an art form, holy shit it's literally so cool and language is even cooler and just

Writing<333

OH also btw I have since checked my document, and I misremembered - chapter 2 is 8k words--

[leadendeath]

i don't want to reblog the post because my commentary is not relevant to the subject, so i didn't want to put this in said post's tags. also as i type it turned into a long...? something. vent maybe? i don't even know what to refer to it as. but i've seen a couple of posts recently that have really got me thinking.

as i'm writing this, they both just appeared on my dash. they are this one and this one. i'm definitely going to post this now (i have to) and not just save it in my drafts forever.

Having sex with friends sounds nice! I am pro-that! (pro meaning not anti) for me it would alleviate my fears of hooking up with those I just met or haven't known for years because friends are less likely to murder/kidnap you or give you a disease! (I do not want to die from sex lmao) the con: now they know what i look like and what bodily/physical problems i have that aren't visible to the general public. no. i can't have sex with my friends. my god. it all boils down to my body dysmorphia. literally the mortifying ordeal of it being known

So I think again, like I often do, about my place on the ace spectrum. I usually do not care for labels, don't find them necessary to apply to myself, but it's totally cool if other people have tons of different labels that they use. I am pro-that too! I myself am definitely grey-ace or demi-something. I landed on aegosexual- a disconnect between yourself and your sexual attraction- for a long time. I am never sexually or romantically attracted to somebody I don't know. Not even people on the screen. What if that hot (definition for this context: visually appealing) actor is a dick? Good looks garbage personality? At least you can do research on him. Not the case with "irl contacts" (definition: non-famous and real people who you might actually meet or know in person).

I know that I definitely experience sexual attraction, and want to have sex. Based on that I don't feel quite right calling myself asexual.

I don't LIKE that I feel too bad about experiencing sexual attraction to act on it. There's this weird feeling that's hard to place, but closest to "guilt", I'd say. Disgust with myself.

That time I was propositioned to go back to a con hotel (i turned him down and he listened and respected me and was nice, it's just i stopped myself), or that other time when making out and groping (different guy different occasion; we could've gone further but i stopped myself), or even just flirting and talking about our turn-ons and things we Like with my long-distance online sort-of bf that I had. I'm even hesitating to follow the "after dark" art accounts that I want to follow on bird site because of the guilt and almost embarassment I feel at myself (I'm fully aware that the only reason most people have locked accounts which you have to request to follow is to keep out minors and trolls btw, and i'm certainly neither of those!).

All of this is stuff I want and that's enjoyable to me, but this nagging "don't do that. you're gross. why would you say/do that? you're being weird. stop. stop. stop. you're not allowed to do these things." is always there in my mind. I don't want it to be there, and it's always there.

Now, this doesn't come from religious trauma, like "sex before marriage = wrong and bad"? "gay sex = ultimate evil"? Nah, I was never told those things. I didn't even have a very religious upbringing. These thoughts can't be explained away by any of that. Even my mom has always been like "you can have a girlfriend or a boyfriend! i don't mind as long as you're happy! :)" yknow having that nice accepting approach to that time when I was like 15 and settled on bi for "what i was" at the time. No judgement, no condemnation there either.

It's not real.

When I learned that I have ocd, suddenly I started to maybe have an explanation for these thoughts. Some people's obsessions focus on repetition or contamination. A good part of my obsessions focus on condemnation. I'm scared of it. I take "beating yourself up over something" to the next level. Just like any other person who's familiar with delusions, intrusive thoughts, etc will tell you: knowing it's not real doesn't make it any better. Doesn't make it stop. Doesn't make it go away.

When I could explain this detrimental thought process away by finding this horrible disorder to pin the blame on, I felt freer. I've thought many times throughout my mentally ill life about bringing up my (questioning)asexuality to a therapist one day, and I still will, even more so now. i felt before like I'd bring it up to them and not be able to back it up with any evidence, and just be brushed off? That's a stupid way to think, I know. And a therapist who would really do that is one you'd leave immediately. You don't need evidence to talk about how you feel, that's so silly... but that thought itself comes back around, in a vicious cycle, to my needing to justify myself because otherwise I am Wrong And Bad. jeez. what a way to think. i hate that. will be so glad when i get it under control after 25+ years.

edit: oh ya there's also this. my tags on one of the above posts i never reblogged, sat in my drafts.

my disability is inseparable from my sexuality, whatever it is.

[deep-hearts-core]

2005 - final

originally posted 7/23/20

United Kingdom Hmm. Javine is not an objectively bad singer, this is not an objectively bad song, the staging is not objectively bad either. It just doesn't come together in a way that I enjoy. I'm struggling to find words or emotions for this one - I guess I really liked the bridge here? Shame it had to be in the hell slot. Malta Chiara has a very distinctive voice, especially when she goes high. It sounds like something I shouldn't like, but here it helps the song stand out for me. Angel is a very good song as well and the simplicity of the staging really works here. Back to Chiara, though, I do think her stage presence is a little weird. There's a sass to her that really worked to her advantage in her 2009 entry but I think hampers the sincerity of Angel - the head moves, the winking, idk it feels cheap. Turkey I like the verses here. Rimi Rimi Ley seems to suffer from the same "either your mic is fucked up or you're super out of breath" effect that so many of this year's contestants are dealing with. There's also just so much going on here visually. I'm all for people wearing their traditional dress, but this particular combination of hot pink and green was not easy on the eyes. Albania Another one I struggle to find thoughts on. Ledina is fun to watch, she has a good voice and an animated, engaging stage presence. The lyrics here are a little weird though especially in the beginning. The song musically is... it's okay? I like the rock-inspired stuff Albania sends so there's that. Cyprus I think it's alright. The song is nothing special - which is okay because it means it doesn't stand out for being bad either. Constantinos is maybe not the best performer ever, though. The staging appears to rely on him looking hot - and it kind of works, tbh? I like aspects of the staging too, I liked how subtly shiny everything was and the mirrors, especially at the beginning. Spain Not bad! Honestly I was concerned that this was going to be much worse. I really liked the way the singers used their costumes, it was fun to watch! And I enjoy the song too, it's catchy and it's distinctive and it's Spanish. I feel like I would have liked this a lot better if it were just the girls onstage though. I don't really know what the rapper guy was doing there.

Serbia & Montenegro I like the harmonies here. The song is a little bit repetitive but that's not too much to its detriment. Staging here is a little weird but I guess there's not too much you can do with staging on a relatively small stage with a six member band. Sweden Honestly, this is probably one of the flashiest songs of the evening. The dancers and the music and the rest of the staging and Martin's vocals and performance all rolled together make a performance truly as flashy as Las Vegas - or, at least, the way people glorify it. Ukraine God, I love when politics find their way into the actual songs. This is actually a pretty good entry? I know it didn't score that well, but idk I kinda like it. Ukrainian revolution rap-rock? Yeah sure I'll take it. Staging was a little weird... but honestly, I imagine this was a hard song to stage. This is just a style that's not often seen at Eurovision and so I can see this being difficult to put together. Germany Absolutely deserving of last place imo. Gracia's voice is just... annoying, and while the song itself is a pretty standard 2000s female number her voice and the way this is filmed and staged lead me to just hate it. Greece THOROUGHLY enjoy this one. Helena is doing a really good job of keeping her vocals stable, even throughout that demanding dance routine. It is, for the most part, a good dance routine at that! Idk, sometimes it's weird to see ESC winners in the context of their year because they're so often removed from that, and so as much as I love this, idk if I like it AS MUCH as some of the other performances. We'll just have to see. Russia I like the song and Natalia's voice. I can't understand most of what she's saying though, and tbh I was a little distracted by just how much of her hair was in her mouth by the end of the performance. Like, I can't believe she could sing through that. Bosnia & Herzegovina There's so much happening so quickly - like, this song is really just so fast. Femminem, as with their 2010 entry, have really good vocals that lock in their harmonies nicely, but the frenetic pace of the song and staging drags this one down for me. France The instrumental to this goes HARD, especially at the beginning, but unfortunately Ortal can't match it. Her vocals are very breathy, rarely on pitch, and honestly kind of sad. Staging's weird too. My top 39

Latvia

Israel

Malta

Greece

Hungary

Monaco

Netherlands

Serbia & Montenegro

Ukraine

Bosnia & Herzegovina

Ireland

North Macedonia

Norway

Russia

Belarus

Austria

Moldova

Spain

Lithuania

Switzerland

Denmark

Croatia

Belgium

Germany

Finland

Romania

Sweden

United Kingdom

Poland

Estonia

Albania

Iceland

France

Slovenia

Andorra

Cyprus

Turkey

Bulgaria

Portugal

Voting/intervals Why didn't Ruslana open with Wild Dances? I mean, the sight of her with a torch sure did awaken something in me but like... it's tradition. Does Pavlo not know about the 1969 four winners thing? Like, no, the fiftieth winner of Eurovision was actually a few years ago, this is just the fiftieth contest. I think one of the funniest moments out of all of this is, when Masha is done talking to Svante, you just see Pavlo fucking booking it up to the stage, and then he hops up there and Masha is like "Oh! Here he is again." Idk that just fucking sends OMG, having everyone announce points one at a time takes for-freaking-ever. They used to do this every year???? Thoughts after watching My first thought is, like, it seems a number of countries had issues with their mics this year? Wth Ukraine? Pavlo and Masha are... not so great hosts. They kept talking over each other and didn't seem to have the greatest script either. Quality of the songs... not as good as 2007 or even 2006 but tbh not the worst year. I maintain that 2018 and 2011 were the lowest points in terms of quality. Stage was relatively unimpressive but I don't really have any problems with its design. I'm gonna be taking a break from these reviews for a little while - I might watch 2004 first but I'm not sure. It's starting to feel like work to me, and I don't want it to feel that way!

[rpbetter]

"writes dubcon therefore is a freak who should be bullied off the site" ho boy i'm fed up with people acting as if consenting adults writing [insert "problematic" fictional thing here] is the worst thing in the world. seen way too many people justifying harrassment of REAL PEOPLE by "they write thing that triggers me". ok, and? mute the tags or don't follow! "it triggers someone" is not a valid reason to ban a topic. piano music triggers me yet i don't go around demanding everyone stop playing the piano.

Anon, not only is everything you said absolutely valid, but also, thank you for demonstrating that triggers are incredibly varied and as such, we cannot predict everyone's triggers. Making the entire "point" of banning for possible triggers invalidated as hell.

We should be aware of things like the most commonly occurring phobias (things like arachnophobia and coulrophobia that are, additionally, easily triggered by imagery) and tag them. We should be aware of very obvious triggers, that are, again, easily set off by imagery, like blood, eye trauma, and depictions of domestic violence. And we should always read and be aware of our writing partners' stated triggers so that we can tag them appropriately or even decide that it isn't going to work because our muse, canon story, or interests are going to present an unfair situation in this partnership.

But triggers can be highly unusual, as well as activated differently (even at different times) for everyone. I'm not triggered by seeing hotel rooms in pictures or movies, I'm not triggered by writing scenes that take place in them, but I'm triggered to some degree by being in one. It's outrageous oversimplification to act like all triggers are the same, they all display the same way, they're all going to trigger someone on the same basis, everyone's going to react the same to their triggers. There is absolutely no way to prevent 100% of possible triggers for 100% of the population, 100% of the time.

Add to this that way too many people trivialize triggers by throwing around that term to justify the banning of something that makes them uncomfortable or that they take a personal, moral issue with. "I don't like this" and "I'm grossed out by this" and "this makes me feel uncomfortable" is not being triggered. It's just a good way to weaponize the better nature of other people so that they comply.

Most people legitimately do not want to trigger someone, especially if they have triggers and know what it's like. Just like no one wants to be accused of cruelty towards trauma survivors in general, or be designated a pedo, rape apologist, or fascist. They're all things to weaponize in order to isolate, shame, and control. And that's really fucking gross. These are serious, real things that have no business being trivialized to police content, win internet arguments, or garner popularity.

The potential for someone to be triggered isn't a reason to ban anything; we have tags, we have blacklist.

While I'll be the first to say that tumblr's blacklisting can be as shitty as everything else on the site, the primary issue with running into content you don't want to see comes down to two factors: no one tagging/tagging correctly and actively exposing yourself to that content. Going through people's properly done tags and blog warnings about their content in order to "call it out" is actively exposing yourself by choice. You actual walnuts.

Calling people on on their "problematic" content is bringing those topics to the attention of other people. That's the whole point of this gross behavior: look at the freak pedo abuse apologist I found, they write dubcon!! Don't look if you'll be triggered uwu

Buddy, pal, my guy...you just put that on blast for anyone to run across. Maybe their blacklist catches those words in your callout post, maybe it doesn't. Maybe they think you're a safe space because you promote yourself that way, so they click it anyway. Point is, you just willfully and irresponsibly exposed people because it's more important to you to demonize a rando on tumblr RPing something you take issue with. Good job!

Furthermore, dubcon itself is such a hilarious issue to take. Do they realize that isn't always sexual, or? Not? I'm thinking not. Funnily enough, one of the oldest posts I've been working on for this blog is about exactly this topic, the myriad situations that are dubious consent. That doesn't have to be sexual, and neither does it have to be intentionally predatory. You can come up with some amazing character development with a lot of muses in the RPC with dubcon because almost everyone's muse has some manner of trauma that might negate their perception of their own consent...and what do you do then? Is it removing more agency from that muse to shut them down, or is that always the better option? Can you separate your opinion as the mun from your muse's natural reactions? How does this impact the muses involved not just that moment but the next year?

Point is, dubcon isn't always some rapey situation. Even if it was, even if someone is writing it that way, it's literally not your business or your problem.

There's one mutual-in-law on my RP blog that really bothers me. They write things that I find fetishizing, incredibly rapey, all around shit that bothers me. I don't want to see it, some of the things they write makes my damn skin crawl. This person doesn't know it, we certainly don't speak and I don't think they like me very much, but I've repeatedly defended their right, specifically their right as a person with some long-term callouts on them, to write what they want to. I have them blocked and their urls blacklisted so I never have to see my mutual reblogging their threads. It's not a problem because I don't click "show anyway." Why would I, if it genuinely bothers me so much?

That's how you handle things that bother you; you use the tools available to not interact even by accident. Not by launching a morality crusade.

If any of us want to write what we enjoy, we have to allow others that same freedom. It's always a matter of time before this policing grows to include more and more topics, it's been used multiple times to get well-meaning people who don't fall into the general demographics to police queer, BIPOC, and other marginalized groups off of platforms. We've been fortunate in most of the RPC that it implodes on itself before it gets all the way there, but even so, you can see it.

It starts with things that produce a visceral reaction in the great majority of people, positions this with a repeatedly condemned idea presented as solid fact that fiction is reality, and you've got the start of something awful. Today it's something you don't like, maybe even something that triggers you, so you either support it or you quietly allow it to happen. Who needs to write that "freak shit" anyway, can't they just be gross privately? Six months from now, it's something "problematic" that you enjoy like violence that's canon-typical for your muse, or your OTP because they're gay and that's fetishizing, they're cis male and female but one or both is bi and that's bad representation, or they canonically have a rocky relationship so that's romanticizing toxic/abusive relationships.

If you can't care for any other reason, you really should care about how it is going to impact you sooner or later. In an environment like this, you can stay in your space, put warnings on your blog, and tag properly and you're still going to get a callout if the wrong person finds your blog. Just takes a single person with more time, energy, and skewed ideas of justice than they have reading comprehension or common sense.

Again, I cannot encourage people enough to give warnings, but it's difficult to ignore why those warnings are slipping; they're a way to be found, designated as a Problem, and called out. Look, it's another reason why callouts actually make things worse, not better! People put that shit in their rules so you can avoid content, they're being responsible and interested in promoting a safe RPC. Let them do it, damn.

You can't tag everything, and if you've never experienced what a giant series of repetitive tags is like on a screenreader you probably should before you tag seven paragraphs of possible issues. You can tag for visuals, you can tag for the obvious things, and you can tag for what's in the rules you agreed to when you followed/followed back. But you should also warn people that you write "dark topics" on the tin, and expand on that in your rules for specific things like graphic violence, toxic relationships, dubon, and addiction.

That's how responsible adults, not over-aged children, make better decisions about their mental health and general comfort. Not by appointing themselves the watchdogs of the damn RPC, here to protect you whether you want to be or not, find that incredibly insulting or not when you're in one of their categories of people who must be protected, by forcibly banning Problematic Everything. Problematic, of course, being entirely in the eye of the content police.

It's fiction. No one and nothing real was harmed. It's great that you are so invested in the fictional world and people that make you happy, but take a fucking big step back into reality. The real people you're harming with your bullshit had every right to peaceably exist. If what they're writing is triggering to you, stay. away. from. it.

Without any coincidence whatsoever, that's how you get from the base-point of Problematic Material to Problematic Mun. Yeah, it's just fiction, it's just RP, but I also took something out of context OOC or was upset by their tone on their own blog or couldn't exercise the minimal adult logic to remove myself from their presence OOC as well. So, now, you've got OOC behavior being added to the callout, if it wasn't already. Everyone is now ableist, transphobic, racist, and a misogynist because it lends that visceral reaction to the callout and ups the game from just being "y'all so gross you aged up a cartoon character to ship" to "this is REAL and it won't be tolerated! OP is actually a pedophile, they told a sexual joke in a discord server with a minor present and I have the receipts!"

What are the most storied callouts in the entire RPC? I'm absolutely certain the same names came to mind no matter what fandoms you're in, and one of them was "Matt." Another was probably "Ares/Snow". They're all successful and keep being brought up out of the closet anytime people are bored enough because their primary punch is the mun themselves being a predatory threat to the community. The mun is verified to be a bad person. Well, of course, that's got to be repeated, it worked. (Even if it did not, at all, work and only made it harder for people to avoid any of these muns.)

Are there people in the RPC who are legitimately a problem? Absolutely, yes. We're all supposed to be adults, however. Part of being an adult is having and acting upon one's agency. If someone is coercing you into things you are not comfortable with, shut it down. If you have difficulties being certain of those situations, run it by a trusted, honest friend or available, impartial source in the RPC for a second opinion. If you can't handle any manner of confrontation, there really are situations in which it's perfectly alright to block someone without any discussion. It's just the internet, you're in control of your space. Own it.

Minors are a whole other can of fucked up worms I'm not even getting into right now except to say that because a minor exists in a space they were told to stay out of does not mean we ban all topics inappropriate for their consumption.

tl;dr: banning shit doesn't work anyway, the whole idea is predicated upon some incredibly problematic takes IRL, and no, there's no justification for it outside of intense personal problems with one's own importance. That energy would be infinitely better spent volunteering one's time to help real people in crisis or after surviving one, or even oneself in developing some healthier approaches and thought patterns.

[auroral-melody]

I can't wait to see Crowley's eyes, either! Part of me, though, really hopes we DON'T see them until his glasses are knocked off in the burning bookstore. I think this was when they were revealed for the first time in the book, and it's super dramatic and badass. (I'm sending this as an ask bc the post you mentioned his eyes in was already pretty long)

I agree!! That scene is incredibly important and quite a bit of a reveal. I’ve actually been meaning to talk about this. Here’s a sketch to help visualize:

Poor kiddo.

I wouldn’t say he’s exactly badass here; actually I rather feel the exact opposite, but it’s an incredibly powerful scene. I have a lot of Thoughts on this, so more under the cut.

Throughout the entirety of the book, Crowley is hyped up to be ~super cool~ and suave, anxious at times but usually under control. Similarly, Aziraphale is shown to never swear. The points when these characters break that trend means heightened emotions - for Aziraphale, it’s a bit of comedy; for Crowley, it shows how truly scared he is, because the buildup is slight things throughout the book (Aziraphale’s “oh dear,” not swearing with the practiced ease of someone who has spent six millennia not swearing, and wasn’t going to start now).

Crowley is doing okay - stressed, scared, yes, but he’s getting somewhere when he runs out of his flat. After that, he doesn’t know what to do, so he goes straight to Aziraphale’s place and runs inside, shouting for his friend like never before. Let’s look at this scene.

“Then he pushed open the door, and stepped into an inferno.

The whole bookshop was ablaze. Aziraphale!’ he called. ‘Aziraphale, you - you stupid - Aziraphale? Are you here?’

No answer. Just the crackle of burning paper, the splintering of glass as fire reached the upstairs rooms, the crash of lapsing timbers.”

The imagery here is intense and sets up the drama. His repetition of the angel’s name goes through several emotions. First, it’s just calling. After that, he’s frightened. He sort of half-insults Aziraphale, not knowing what to do, and asks if he’s here. At this point, he’s just trying to hear the angel’s voice in response, and he would immediately rush to help if he heard it. [I’m definitely writing that, heck.]

He scanned the shop urgently, desperately, looking for the angel, looking for help.

In the far corner a bookshelf toppled over, cascading flaming books across the floor. The fire was all around him, and Crowley ignored it. His left trouser leg began to smolder; he stopped it with a glance.

“Hello? Aziraphale! For Go - for Sa - for somebody’s sake! Aziraphale!”

Repetition in sentences, I’ve found, helps heighten the emotions, because it’s all the character can think of. In the first bit, he’s equating Aziraphale to help. After all, he did rush here to see if they could stop the Apocalypse; he did call him immediately post-delivering Adam. Crowley is very clever. He’s killed Ligur and evaded Hastur, and he can get to Tadfield on his own with ease. He invented many things. It’s a rare time when he’s out of ideas. Even when he’s confronted by Hastur, he’s thinking fast and manages to get out of it. But now, he’s hunted and scared and has way more problems than he started with.

He’s basically here because he’s scared out of his mind, and having Aziraphale around is comforting to him. He thinks Aziraphale will know what to do, because he sure doesn’t.

He’s not particularly afraid of fire - he’s afraid of facing all of this alone.

So he calls out a few more times, nearly swearing to two deities/lords he doesn’t generally go for, as has been done a few times (blessi - windfall / that time when Hastur and Ligur called “hail satan” and Crowley started talking about traffic). He’s still trying to get Aziraphale, just desperately aware of how useless he is at this point.

The shop window was smashed from outside. Crowley turned, startled, and an unexpected jet of water struck him full in the chest, knocking him to the ground.

His shades flew to the far corner of the room, and became a puddle of burning plastic. Yellow eyes with slitted vertical pupils were revealed. Wet and steaming, face ash-blackened, as far from cool as it was possible for him to be, on all fours in the blazing bookshop, Crowley cursed Aziraphale, and the ineffable plan, and Above, and Below.”

This is his breaking point. Physically, he’s shocked. Mentally, he’s terrified. The glasses are somewhat symbolic of his cool dude façade, and now they’re on fire. He’s probably landed on broken glass and it’s hard to see or breathe.

Seeing his eyes means vulnerability.

It’s like writing his name. He doesn’t like to do it - it associates him with what he tries to hide. He’s somewhat ashamed of it. He’s somewhat ashamed of being who he’s supposed to be - a demon, without freedom or any spark of decency. He’s vulnerable now and to a demon that’s fatal. He’s on the floor, afraid, probably looks like a wet rat, is also probably on fire. It’s his lowest point.

Back to how his being cool has been played up the whole book, the line “as far as cool as it was possible for him to be” is important. Five minutes after he loses Aziraphale, he’s lost everything he feels is him. Aziraphale grounds him. Aziraphale is important because he can perform, he can think faster when he can bounce his ideas off someone else and build them with support (think of how he and Aziraphale go back and forth against the Metatron and Beelzebub; think of how he leads Aziraphale to his point of view while also convincing himself).

The angel is someone he holds very close, and losing him feels like losing himself. Think of how you feel when a friendship ends: it’s heartbreaking and so scary. While he figures Aziraphale is probably okay, it still feels like he’s been abandoned, intentionally or not. He’s sort of felt this before, when Aziraphale leaves with the book (”Right,” mumbled Crowley, suddenly feeling very alone), but this time it’s more impactful because he needs Aziraphale for other reasons besides just being lonely.

Kinda interestingly, Crowley seems to just lose it here and curse everyone he can think of. He doesn’t want it to be his fault, and arguably it’s not. He feels thrown into this.

This sort of theme continues for his next few scenes:

“He reached into the glove compartment for his spare pair of sunglasses, and found only cassettes. Irritably he grabbed one at random and pushed it into the slot.He wanted Bach, but would settle for The Traveling Wilburys.All we need is, Radio Gaga, sang Freddie Mercury.All I need is out, thought Crowley.”

He keeps spare sunglasses in the car, haha, but finds only music. Oh, well - he associates music with him being cool too.

He buys a lot of classical cassettes, which evidently Aziraphale enjoys a lot. The angel knows he keeps his cassettes in the glove compartment, so they’ve probably listened to things before. I kind of wonder if he’s subconsciously wanting classical because it reminds him of Aziraphale, and maybe that gives him comfort.

Again, Crowley doesn’t want to be in this situation at all. He’s just really scared.

“Whee. Whizz. Pop. Static drowned out the rest of the program.

Crowley turned off the radio and bit his lower lip. Beneath the ash and soot that flaked his face, he looked very tired, and very pale, and very scared.”

The gardening bit is interrupted by the demons. Back and forth throughout these, when Crowley is stressed, his conflict is his identity. Who is he really - a demon who’s just incompetent and useless and frightened, or a Cool Dude who knows what he’s doing and can casually listen to gardening tips at the end of the world? Is he truly evil, or does he have a spark of goodness? Does Aziraphale only care for him because of that spark? Does being vulnerable and scared and lashing out - does being a demon with yellow eyes mean he’s less to the angel? Does being vulnerable mean he’s kinder, or is his aloof and cool sunglasses persona the better one?

Not to mention, all the stress around him. How is he going to die?

When he gets his sunglasses back, he recovers. He decides he’s going to do his best, and he’s going to stay optimistic. That’s who he’s going to be - he’s going to be him right until the end. Anthony Crowley. After all - and this is a sentence that’s repeated a couple times - what the hell? What else does he have to lose?

In the end, here, Crowley manages to gather himself up. I’m proud of him. These scenes are a height in his arc: deciding to do what’s right and keep going no matter what, and hoping against hope. He’s powerfully optimistic (perhaps an undemonic feature) and it gives him strength to carry on. That’s admirable.

I feel like seeing Crowley’s eyes means seeing him unveiled. I think, acceptably, if he were to get other scenes without the glasses on, they could be around Aziraphale. Trusting Aziraphale with that could be monumental. You know how often in fic, wings are intimate? I think that’s a great headcanon, but maybe for Crowley, seeing his eyes means he’s letting his guard down too (or, in this case, it’s been thrown off him and stamped into the ground like a steamroller).

[ratralsis]

I have been badly neglecting this tumblr, and my writing in general. I'd like to change that, but I say something to that effect at least a few times a year. Sometimes it lasts a couple of months, sometimes only a post or two.

Last year, for example, I replayed every route in a visual novel that I wanted to write about, then never actually wrote about it. If I were to write about it now, my memory of the game would be so full of holes that the post would be trash. I guess I have to replay it again, or something. Maybe take notes this time. That'd be a good idea.

I've played a bunch of games in the last six months, and I'd like to write about some of them, too.

I got God of War, the new one, as part of a Black Friday sale. It's good. It isn't great. It isn't worth writing about. I'm sorry. It's true. It's a solid little action game with extremely repetitive combat that relies too heavily on difficulty as a game mechanic and requires too much grinding to get the best upgrades for the best armor.

I got Kirby Super Star Allies, as well, and that's a game that is definitely worth writing about. It's a baby game, for babies, and I love it. It's a delight to look at. The experience of marching endlessly forward through the levels, pausing occasionally for a puzzle, but never because the combat is particularly hard, is just plain fun. It's a relaxing game for when you're already in a slightly relaxed mood. And I love each and every Dream Friend, and I think that the three Mage Sisters are an overpowered blast to play.

I would like to write more about that, and about the optional, more difficult, modes in the game, and what Kirby represents. Hint: Kirby is an unstoppable killing machine, and we all love him for it. I am no exception. I love Kirby, too.

I played Monster Boy and the Cursed Kingdom on Switch, and loved it. I completed it in about 18 hours, which I thought was pretty good. I took a lot of time pursuing dead ends and grinding for money, and wasn't trying hard to go fast. It's a charming game that does a good job of feeling like the old Wonder Boy games. I think it's a bit too easy to die to regular enemies, and that it's a bit too quick to bestow mercy health on you when you die a few times to a boss, but it's still fun and the ending is one of the best I've ever seen in any game, ever, due to its incredibly ballsy brevity. It's an animated cutscene less than a minute long with no dialogue that still provides closure to almost every dangling plot thread (the only one it doesn't, as far as I could see, was what happened to Mysticat, the man behind the big bad who just sort of wanders off-screen before you fight the final boss).

What else, what else... I started Hollow Knight recently, for the second time. I own it on Steam because it was part of a deeply discounted deal that got me a Steam Link I have never used, and I got it again on Switch for $10. I haven't gotten far on either version. Despite regular encouragements from reviews saying I need to stick it out until the second area's boss or so, I haven't even made it to the first boss, haha. It's super annoying to make money to buy the map, quill, and compass, and without those I genuinely have no idea where I am in the game world at any given time. I'm only in the first area and I can't stop getting lost! I kind of hate it!

I can't say it's because I hate all Metroidvania exploration whatever games, because I JUST said I liked Monster Boy enough to get every item. I'll keep trying at the Switch and see if I get far enough to like the game.

I've done it before. Final Fantasy X, for example, has a truly awful first few hours, and is one of my favorites in the series. Cave Story is another game like that. I would go so far as to call Cave Story my "game of the decade" for last decade.

(For those curious, my game of the decade for the 90's is Metal Gear Solid, and of the 2010's is Undertale. I base that not on how awesomely fun they are, but on how much they affected me as a person and changed the way I think about things. Metal Gear Solid did what no other art could do to teenage me and taught me clearly what PTSD and real trauma are, but I have no interest in replaying it and don't really like later games in the series.)

(The 80's don't have a game of the year because I was too young when they ended to care.)

Anything else in the last six months that I played that I want to write about? Did I actually write about Dragon Quest XI here or not? I played it on PS4 and earned my first platinum trophy playing it. I GOT a platinum on Nier: Automata, but I didn't earn it. I bought all the trophies after finishing the game. You can do that. It counts. But it doesn't feel very good.

Dragon Quest XI is absolutely worth writing about, though. It's pretty great, in general. My favorite in the series? I don't know. It's too new for me to be sure. It certainly has things I don't like, like the forging minigame used to upgrade equipment. Could have done without that!

I've also, of course, played an absolute shitload of games on my phone and as many more adult games on PC that I probably won't write about because they aren't worth it. Do you care what I think of Hammer Quest, a game where you march 100 meters per stage while swinging a hammer? I paid my $7 and finished everything that game has to offer, even maxing out my level and the levels of the two hidden hammers, but it isn't interesting to write about.

I guess I could if someone wanted me to, but I'd mostly just be writing about strategies rather than my thoughts on the plot or characters or what they mean to me. I could write about Kirby. I don't think I could write about... What's even that guy's name, Leon? Maybe? Doesn't matter. That's kind of the whole point.

I could write about Christmas or my birthday, which was this last Sunday, but I don't think I will. They were stressful and I'm glad they're over, but also, very little actually happened. Nobody celebrated my birthday, so I got another year older without a surprise party or cake or anything like that. I'm fine with it. I'm not happy about it, but I'm fine with it.

I don't know what else I could say. Maybe this is enough for now. Maybe writing about the relative fighting skills of everybody in Megatown yesterday got me fired up and feeling like writing again. Maybe I already was, a little bit, when I wrote that last night. It isn't my first work. I repeat a lot of phrases ("I imagine," "I'd have to think," "I highly doubt," and so on), and it doesn't flow very well. Still, it was fun to write.

It generally is, for me. I guess that's why I do it. Or why I should, at least. I'm awfully inconsistent.