#because i am very normal about many things but especially sara bareilles

[lulabo]

Molly Gordon post in the queue informational addendum: Sara Bareilles's song "Eyes on You" lists names of people in a meditation group she was in but also if you are enough of a Sara Bareilles enthusiast you can also just figure out who some of the other people are in the song based on context, eg, "Amanda had a baby" is Amanda Kloots who did indeed have a baby, also she told me personally at her Amidst the Chaos tour stop in Boston (along with the rest of the people at the show but mostly me) that "Emily moved away" was about Emily King, who moved from one part of New York to another, which is all to say that when I learned Molly Gordon is the daughter of Jessie Nelson, who was part of the creative teams of both Waitress the musical (wrote the book) and Little Voice (many things), I therefore divined that the lyrics "Jessie's doing backflips, Molly's doing so well" refer to said Jessie Nelson being jazzed at her daughter Molly Gordon's life going well, so congrats to Molly Gordon on her achievements professional and personal but mostly also on being in a Sara Bareilles song.

[whitney-gebhart]

I used to be afraid to admit it, but I have been struggling so much emotionally and mentally for quite some time now. More recently, within the last couple years, it has gotten progressively worse - I have my “bad days” way more often than I used to and for longer periods of time. And it is fucking terrifying.

Even now, when I feel like at least some parts of my life are slowly coming together, I have an overwhelming feeling that everything else is falling apart. I so badly wish that for once I could just shut off the part of my brain that gravitates toward the negative and redirect it toward the positive. Because even when I feel like I’m at my highest, the slightest bit of darkness causes me to come crashing down. 

The absolute worst part? I am an over thinker. I am someone who is very self-aware. Often times, I can feel that dark side approaching, but I don’t know how to stop it. While I have told myself that it is perfectly fine to feel some of those dark feelings and in a way kind of embrace it (everyone needs a good cry every once in a while, right?), I know I can’t be doing that all the time, no matter how much I may want to. 

If you were to ask someone what they thought the biggest part of my life would be, they would more than likely answer with one of these three things (or all of them if you ask the right person): family, friends or music. 

Music has always been and hopefully always will be my way of sharing what I am feeling or thinking with those around me (mostly by posting my favorite lyrics as an Instagram photo caption... go follow that account if you don’t already... shameless self promo lol). Lately with how hard I’ve been on myself and how lost I’ve felt, I decided to do the opposite of what I would normally do - listen to sad, depressing music and wallow in self-pity. Instead, I have been trying to stay as positive as possible. 

It had been a while since I listened to “Brave” by Sara Bareilles.  I don’t think it pulled me completely out of the darkness I’ve been feeling lately, but it’s better than not at all. Sara is one of the many artists that made me fall in love with playing the piano which evolved into a love of music in general. I have been listening to this song, especially this live performance on repeat for about two weeks now. 

If it can help me, maybe it can help you too...

[prototype-zero]

(via https://open.spotify.com/user/121428406/playlist/3xipDNSCiaHZs8Wq2PRb9Y?si=XuF0FzoATzuTlsC6nfjEVg)

Since @shiieldmaidenofgondor​ posted about Bardrynn’s playlist, I figured I should probably post about mine. So here is Liana Allister’s(High Elf Bladesong Wizard) Playlist with explanations

Wizards in Winter - Trans Siberian Orchestra

Liana was born in the winter and she is a wizard. This song just fits with her fondest childhood memories and her general playfulness. She loves to be the chaotic trickster even though she is normally more proper. 

Ocean Waltz - Sting

Another wordless song to express all of the etiquette training she received while growing up. Her family are well known wine makers and therefore have a lot of wealth and are often invited to very fancy parties. Liana had to learn the ins and outs of high society which included ballroom dance, piano, singing, etc. The song also is very smooth which is also shown in her movements during a Bladesong.  

Footloose - Kenny Loggins

This song pairs with the previous song because of Liana’s playful nature and desire to turn prim and proper parties into wild ones. This lead to some very good times to be had by everyone attending except her father, by whom she would be scolded. His anger was short lived when he would hear about how great those parties were due to their wine and willingness to let go. 

Don’t Stop Me Now - Queen

Another part of Liana’s elven training was in magic. From a young age Liana showed much promise in the gifts of the arcane as well as bows and blades. This lead her to being accepted into one of the most prestigious Academies in the land. Her prowess even attracted the attention of one Victoria Hasley(whom will come up later). Liana was riding a high of being a genius and a prodigy. Nothing could stop her....

The Middle - Jimmy Eat World

... Or could it? Liana was smack in the middle of an entire school of geniuses. Going from being a prodigy to just average. Don’t write yourself off yet, it’s only in your head, you feel left out, or looked down on. Just do your best, do everything you can, don’t you worry what their bitter hearts, are gonna say. Liana did her best which rose her through the ranks to one of the top students, which Victoria saw and cause her to brought into the Bladesong program. Liana would learn the very sacred art that takes 100s of years for elves to learn. 

Help - Papa Roach

The program was brutal. Victoria was a brutal teacher. During the first lesson, Liana was told to fight her teacher. Within seconds Victoria not only bested Liana, but also sliced at Liana’s left eye. A searing pain coupled with intense screaming left Liana with a scar that would never heal. “This is what happens when you’re weak” her teacher announced as she stood over Liana. “I will not tolerate any weakness in this program. Do you understand me?” This type of treatment didn’t end. Abusive and manipulative, Victoria trained her students with an iron fist. Liana needed help. 

You’re Not Alone - Saosin

A distraught Liana found solace in her classmates, including one named Varis. Varis was compassionate and the two became friends. Close friends. They weren’t alone together. The two fell in love and bonded over their hatred of their teacher and of many other things. They told each other they would make it out of the program and be the best and put all of these horrible memories behind them. They fell so madly in love they made an informal agreement to get married after they graduated. 

My Immortal - Evanescence

As time went on, Varius began to change. He seemed to agree with Victoria’s methods more and more. Her teachings became more and more pompous and purist. She called for the eradication of “evil” and that definition became looser and looser. Liana could see how her classmates were changing and especially Varius, a man whom Liana loved, changed. She tried to get him to stop and to see what Victoria was truly teaching. It wasn’t working.  I'm so tired of being here, Suppressed by all my childish fears, And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave, 'Cause your presence still lingers here, And it won't leave me alone

Lifelines - I Previal

I live with all the goodbyes, doesn’t matter how hard I try They end in long nights spent up looking back on my life I feel disconnected from the place that I call home They hit me from the blind side, caught me in the blink of an eye Just like a landmine going off inside my mind I remember the moment that changed everything I know Everything I know

The night before a fencing championship that Liana was slated to compete in, she found herself at Victoria’s office. She overheard everything. Victoria’s plan to create an army of Bladesigners to eradicate those who opposed her. How she was using the students, and training them to be obedient. How she was buying immunity from people to take out their enemies as well. Liana lost it. She ran. Ran away from the Academy. Ran away from a championship that would have given her everything she wanted. Ran away from her friends, and more importantly, Varius. Tears in her eyes and all of her belongings in a suitcase, Liana ran to the only place that was still home for her. 

Brave - Sara Bareilles

Her parents were the first people she thought would help her. This song can be seen from her parents point of view, especially her mother’s, telling Liana that it’s ok and she can still be brave when she is scared. There was a long road of healing that Liana had to do. But she did it. “Honestly, I just want to see you be brave”

High Hopes - Panic! At The Disco

Mama said Fulfill the prophecy Be something greater Go make a legacy

The healing process song for Liana. Realizing that she still has a lot in front of her and that her future was not set in stone. She had high hopes, but she doesn’t have to let them go. She can still do great things. 

Mama said Burn your biographies Rewrite your history Light up your wildest dreams

I Am The Fire - Halestorm

Am I brave enough? Am I strong enough? To follow the desire That burns from within To push away my fear To stand where I'm afraid I am through with this 'Cause I am more than this I promise to myself Alone and no one else My flame is rising higher

Liana’s fire burned brighter than ever before. She knew what she had to do. She would not be ousted. Liana is in control. 

Leave All The Lights On - A Day To Remember

“To everyone that I left,

I am sorry. I’m sorry I left you all without warning. I’m sorry I never got to say goodbye. I am not sorry for why I left. I hope that one day you can see why I left and why I am doing what I am doing now. My dear Varius, I hope you can forgive me as well. I loved you. There is still room for love. There is still room for love for all of you. If you forgive me, just leave the lights on in your hearts. I will find my way home” - excerpt from Liana’s Journal

Praying - Kesha

Liana’s song to Victoria. I don’t need to say anything else. 

I’ll Be There For You - The Rembrandts

Yes the theme song to friends. When Liana found the adventuring party, she found friends that cared for her and weren’t just friends be convenience. She found people she wanted to protect. She found friends who would protect her. She found a healthy family that would help her and she would help them. Even though some of the hi-jinks they get into are sitcom worthy, she still loves her new found family. 

Closer - Tegan and Sara

What Liana did not expect was to find one Dwarf barbarian named Bardrynn who would blow her away. She vividly remembers the big smile on her face when they first met and the open arms she provided. Liana wants to get closer to Bardrynn emotionally (and maybe physically?). She sees so much potential and chemistry between the two of them it’s hard to ignore. This feeling feels familiar, and hopefully it works out better. 

Fight Song - Rachel Platten

With her new friends/family, her new outlook on life, her forgiveness of herself and her past mistakes, her passion, and her new goal Liana is ready to take on the world. She’s ready to fight. And this is her Bladesong. 

[thecloserlook]

“It’s addictive the minute you let yourself think, “the things that I say just might matter to someone.” ~ Sara Bareilles

Update (the short version) Where are we now: Living at the Farm, with my family, which is basically a five-star hotel with an incredibly selfless, attentive, wonderful, generous, patient managers. When do we move: We move into our home on August 12th, Lord willing, since we plan to spend the week before on some renovations). Until then, it's basically a two month vacation at the Farm, and we love it. How are the kids: They ask often for friends from Louisville, but otherwise have been caught up in the mass of cousins and reunions. Tristan has played so hard he started taking afternoon naps again, and Lincoln loves Leo more than any other being on the planet. He now rubs his fingers together as a sign “come here” and every time he sees Leo he will do that until Leo picks him up. Tristan knows we need to move again into “the old white house.” He doesn’t seem too excited about it. Oh, and he threw up a hot dog last night because he ate it too fast. That about catches you up.

Update (the much much much much longer version) Blogging is trickier than I thought it would be. When I started it, I had no expectations that (other than family) anyone would read it with great interest. I don’t have a way of tracking the traffic that makes it’s way to this page.

And yet, I have found myself steadily surprised when people comment about it to me. People from other states, other churches, other nations even (though I wouldn’t say I have INTERNATIONAL fame or anything). I have no idea if they followed along with every post or just dropped in for one or two, but the fact is, people do read this thing. And so began the slippery slope in my heart, “what I am saying matters, so I need to keep talking.” Then, suddenly, without warning, this little nothing meant for nobody in particular became a necessary means by which I felt known. I began to assume that all the people who loved us, cared about our lives, or wanted to keep up with us were reading this. “It’s obvious,” I asserted, “that the great effort I am putting into this to be as transparent as possible will serve to make the transition home much smoother. Everyone will be up to date, ready to receive us, and I won’t feel like I have to catch up with a million people!”

Three realities hit upon our first few weeks back. 1) A lot of people don’t read this blog. Outside of family, upon our return, I received a mixed bag of reactions. I had people praying for our long drive back, and people texting me that day asking “what month are you coming home again?” Our first Sunday back, some people messaged me saying “hey, happy first Sunday home!” Other people, upon seeing me, took awhile to register it, and then hugged us in surprise, like we had been sneaky about coming back. It wasn’t their fault, and it wasn’t a lack of love on their part. It was just reality.

2) During our nine months of growing, changing, and life-altering, everyone we left behind had also been doing those things for nine months. Surprise alert, Facebook/Instagram/Twitter stalking still doesn’t make up for face-to-face communication. I felt like I knew what was up with people, and found out quickly how behind I was on their real lives. In turn, I also felt like a stranger in some ways, or at the very least an outsider. While it felt like we were gone for such a short time, I wondered if it had in fact been a lifetime, given how much people had changed, we had changed, and how different it felt to be among them. So despite my diligence of sharing/reviewing life on the web, I still found myself trying to catch up with a million people.

3) We are not that important. We just aren’t. In many ways, the PC experience is humbling, showing you just how small of a part you are playing in the broader work God is doing to advance His kingdom. But in some ways, it does provide you with an unusual sense of being “known.” People look for you. People are assigned to care for you. People are at your disposal. Moving home, it was freshly humbling to experience “normal life,” where everyone is multitasking and doesn’t have a long time to “stand upon ceremony.” It’s like coming back to work after being sent on a long trip, and your secretary, typing busily on her computer, looks up for a second to say “welcome back,” and then goes right back to work, handing you a bunch of folders to sort through on your way back to your desk. In that moment, it’s tempting to wonder if your absence or return mattered at all.

Now, if you are reading this, and wondering if you contributed to the hard parts of our homecoming, you would be missing the point. And this blog is not intended to condemn or correct anyone (especially since so many have done nothing but attempt to love us through this season). The point is, on this journey, we continue to learn. And we are learning so that we grow, understand, and translate that to be helpful to others. Just like we did not attend the PC as experts, we are not returning from our exile as heroes. All these conflicting experiences, while at times discouraging, certainly, have served to bring us closer together as a family, and in a stronger, surer awareness of our identity in Christ. The less we feel “known” by the world, the more comforting it is to be known by God. The less we feel understood, the more we value the one who “knows our inward parts.” The less we feel pursued, the more we treasure the relentless pursuit of God. The growing divide between the world we left and the world we are returning to pushes us further up, further in, to place where we truly feel “home,” in His presence. It’s not that being home has been bad. It’s been hard. And hard things, harsh circumstances, they produce the best kinds of fruit if you let them. And we want them to.

Our struggles have surprised us at times. We did not expect it to be this hard. We did not anticipate it. And that's been a learning curve in itself.

Here have been the most frequent issues on the spiritual battlefield: dealing with discouragement when old friendships/past times don’t feel as natural/comforting as they were, endurance to keep pouring into others even if it doesn’t produce an increase in mutual understanding, wisdom in how to spend our energy practically, and clarity on how to spend our free time wisely.

So to conclude this particular post on our initial adjustment home, I want to briefly share to things.

1) The ways we can serve you all We feel privileged to come home to this area, to Risen Hope Church, to this community, and we are lucky to have landed first in the safe net of family. We want continue to pray for you all, along with those who have lovingly and generously supported us over these past nine months, that you all receive abundantly more than you graciously gave to us. We want to continue being as transparent as possible, so that we make it easy on anyone who selflessly is looking after us (because we know it requires selfless love to keep up with all our needs!). I also know that the best defense is a good offense. That means, in guarding our hearts from discouragement, we are positioning ourselves as learners, desiring to pursue others, ask questions, get to know how you all are doing, and not just make our presence revolve around our needs. I hope that you experience from us attentiveness and intentionality when in conversation. We hope we can be servant-leaders, not just leaders. We hope that, where we have felt lack, we can give (not complain). And we hope we can keep our eyes open to see others who may be feeling like we can be tempted to feel, unseen or unknown in a sea of busy people.

2) The ways you can serve us Let’s be honest, this post already is pretty “me-centered” in regards to the Parris’. But at each phase of this journey, I’ve sought to find ways to harness my experiences for practical benefit to others. So, as way to help anyone interested, here are some ways we can be served in the next month or so. -It really does serve us to have someone willing to ask us questions about our experiences. Don’t assume someone else is. And don’t assume that, even if they are, it’s probably enough. We love sharing about all that God did this year! -Forebear with us if our initial conversations with you feel like an interrogation. We have so much to catch up on, and it may take awhile to get to the right questions to reveal the most content. It takes a lot of work, and we appreciate it if people are willing to let us back into their worlds. We are not pretending we already know the information. We want to be told! -Every event that was normally relaxing now requires more effort. It’s like carving a new well to fill with memories, and making space for them. We get tired more easily because it takes more out of us than it used to. We will be pacing ourselves, and that process may not always make sense or be predictable. We are so grateful to have the safe haven of my parent's house for times like this. -If we are not responding to you promptly if you are reaching out to us, please know it isn’t because we just want space. Sometimes the timing of messages coincides with a busy week or a particularly long day, and we feel spent. But we do deeply value all those communications of love, and we hope to respond to those who have extended them! -Please pray for patience. 80% of what we are experiencing that is hard is only fixed by time. And we need to patiently wait for it to tick by. And not be idle in the meantime. Mean time. Get it? Yeah, that was pretty bad.

Gosh, we have so much to learn. So much to be grateful for. So much to work on. Glad to be doing it among the dearest people on earth.