thecloserlook

[thecloserlook]

HELLO/GOODBYE

The hardest part of facing an upcoming transition is not living like you already transitioned. To know that everything is changing, but to live like it isn’t until it actually does. In the last five years of my life spent endlessly moving, this has consistently been the most draining, difficult, and discouraging part.

Have you ever heard someone was moving away, and then slowly started acting like they had already left? I have. Have you ever seen a large shift in your life coming, like a new baby, or a new job, or a new spouse, and found yourself letting it make all the determining factors for your present reality? I have. If I know something is changing or leaving, I naturally start to build around it or build it out before it officially happens. It’s part of adaptation...we don’t tend to leave room for things that don’t matter in the moment. And while we can love something, care about something, or even feel like that something is irreplaceable, only time stands between us and the adaptation that accommodates its loss and eventually replaces it. I used to think that this was a problem to be fought. But it isn’t.   

I also used the think that the value of the thing I’m replacing was determined by how quickly I replaced it. I’m learning it doesn’t work that way. The factors of circumstances and resources are inconsistent. Gaining close friends soon after leaving close friends does not necessarily mean you had shallow friendships. Months of searching for a new job does not necessarily mean you should never have left an old job. The speed or slowness with which our lives move forward after life-altering changes are not always good indicators of how important or significant those changes were.

I have found Ecclesiastes to be helpful for me in this transitioning cycle. It sometimes can feel like my life is all about building something and then walking away from it. The passages in this book on endlessly striving, toiling, and leaving feel like my own memoir. How do I live intentionally present while anticipating future change? Where can someone in this season, like me, find comfort to carry on?

“What gain has the worker from his toil? I have seen the business that God has given to the children of man to be busy with. He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man's heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end. I perceived that there is nothing better for them than to be joyful and to do good as long as they live; also that everyone should eat and drink and take pleasure in all his toil—this is God's gift to man. I perceived that whatever God does endures forever; nothing can be added to it, nor anything taken from it. God has done it, so that people fear before him. That which is, already has been; that which is to be, already has been; and God seeks what has been driven away.” Ecclesiastes 3:9-15

As Christians, we must embrace the tension of mortal bodies with “eternity in our hearts.” We know why we are here and where we are headed. We see how things are and long for what they will be. A biblical take on Christian adaptation means we must get increasingly used to the “already but not yet” way of living. Living with “all that but not all.” If we aren’t careful, this could force us to be so disassociated and disinterested with our present reality that we can merely shuffle through our life, waiting for it to be over. However, there is a better way. We can “be joyful and do good as long as we live,” knowing that our experience of joyfulness and goodness will only increase in eternity. How do we know this? Because of the promise that is made for us when we strive after Christ.

“Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 3:12-14

So how do I practically apply the hope of this eternal prize to my life of consistent transition? 

-I can live fully in the moment, finding the joy and goodness to glean out of it, without fearing or frantically planning for what is coming next. (Matthew 6:25-34)

-I can trust that anything God starts, He perfects, whether or not I am there to see the finished product. My labor is not in vain if I am committing my works to Him. (Psalm 37:3-6)

-I can long for something I don’t have yet, and mourn something I haven’t lost yet, because both are part of my eternal nature wrapped in my temporal being. (2 Corinthians 4:16-18)

-I can decide the “how” to be just as much of an opportunity for God to receive glory as the transition or event itself. The way I come or go is not separated from the where or when. (Esther 4:14) 

-I can leave things or people I love without guilt or condemnation, if it its counted as part of the cost to follow Christ with my whole heart. (Philippians 3:8)

It is a tender, frail net to lay in. To be comfortable where you are but always ready for the next move. I don’t enjoy it- I would rather not be experiencing it. But I don’t have to live like a split soul- half in the moment and half in the future. I can stay all-in until I’m all-gone. I am not omnipresent- even though the internet can sometimes fool me into thinking I am. I can only live fully where I am, until God moves me elsewhere. I want to live well, and I want to leave well. There is one me, in one time and place. For everything, there is a season.

[thecloserlook]

THE SUMMER OF SURVIVAL

My 6.2ft husband has a habit of fainting.

The first time I saw him faint was at his sister’s wedding. He went white as a sheet, crumpled quickly, and took out a decorative pillar on the way down. The second time was in our second apartment. He was changing a lightbulb in our galley kitchen and cut his finger. He had the sense to warn me, but it was only enough time to catch his head in my hands and guide it to the floor while his body collapsed. For all three of our children’s deliveries, he has had to take precautions to stay upright. It’s bizarre, but provides some really great stories at dinner parties. 

As terrifyingly unpredictable as it can seem in the moment, fainting is truly a remarkable act of control. Your body decides that you are in some kind of danger, and it immediately goes into autopilot to protect you. It instinctively shuts down all the “non-essential” functions like vision, hearing, agility, speech, and mobility. It shunts all oxygenated blood to your “essential” functions, like your breathing and brain function and heart. It says “things are too complicated, we need to simplify.” But in order to do that, it needs to pull the blood from your feet and legs and torso and abdomen up to your chest and your head. So it forces you to lie down. It flattens you so it doesn’t have to work as hard to do the job it needs to do. It’s a process that is filed in your DNA on the “survival instincts” shelf. 

So why this incredibly long, medical intro? I have been thinking a lot about how I would describe the summer we just experienced. I keep coming back to the phrase “survival mode.” In May, my life “survival mode” switch turned on. The “I got tunnel vision, my ears were ringing” bit applies. And everything extra, non- essential, was removed to ensure that all necessary energy, resources, and stamina was directed to the essentials. 

In April, my husband prayed for clarity and wisdom regarding his future as a teacher and a bi-vocational pastor. In May, we were actively praying together over two wonderful but incredibly different paths in that calling. By June, we had told the church he loved and helped to plant that we were leaving, and told the church he also loved and had grown up in that we were returning to serve as a full-time pastor on staff.

Not many people get to pick between two wonderful options on their road to full-time ministry. Not many people ever get to experience full-time ministry. Not many people get to fiercely love both where they are currently and where they came from. And not many people have to choose between churches that both involve their family. It was a sobering, difficult, humbling, and holy-ground decision. It was a choice between nothing changing and everything changing. 

So survival mode kicked on. Hosting friends for summer hang outs was replaced with vacating the house for strangers to see if they would buy it. Updating and renovating was replaced with tidying and cleaning for surprise showings. Hobbies transformed from arts and crafts to “can you deal with the car accident insurance while I deal with the health insurance?” Emotions were unpredictable and often more muted to conserve energy. Joy expressed as smiling. Sorrow expressed as fatigue. Anything that wasn’t selling the house, looking for a house, transitioning out of responsibilities, and walking out relational adjustments was considered “non-essential.” Add into that seven days of sickness, six flights with an infant, five days in Louisville, four weeks attending two churches, three major life events, two family vacations, and one month without insurance. It’s like a holiday of chaos. I could almost turn it into a song...

Maybe someday I’ll compile more thoughtful and insightful reflections on how I am trying to recover from survival mode. It certainly is important to remember that I won’t always live this way. For now, I have found great comfort in knowing that I don’t have to do more than just doing the next thing in a way that honors Jesus. I am not dreaming big, I’m diligently working on the present. I am not trying to follow any specific model or example other than enduring like Christ.

The summer of survival has been hard. But flat on my back, I do feel like the important things are working just fine. And I one day I will be able to get back up. 

[thecloserlook]

Want to take a closer look at commendation?

Scriptures to Study:

Acts 11:23-24

1 Thessalonians 2:11-13

1 Thessalonians 5:11

1 Peter 5:1-3

Romans 1:11-12

Romans 15:4-6

Colossians 2:1-3

Words of Wisdom:

"I would go to the deeps a hundred times to cheer a downcast spirit. It is good for me to have been afflicted, that I might know how to speak a word in season to one that is weary."  CHS

“I have never met anyone too encouraged.  Never once.” Ray Ortlund

“Consider how to stimulate each other to love and good deeds. Focus on helping others become loving people. Aim at stirring up others to do good deeds. And of course the implication would also be that if others need help and stirring, we do too, and so we would be aiming at what sorts of ways we can think and feel and talk and act that will stir each other up to love and to do good deeds. The aim of our lives is not just loving and doing good deeds, but helping to stir up others to love and to good deeds.”  John Piper

"Let us keep moving," I urged them, "with the faith that what we are doing is right, and with the even greater faith that God is with us in the struggle." MLK

“God’s plan for our good is that much of our encouragement come from other Christians speaking the word of God into our lives and praying for us...In other words, the aim of the mutual encouragement is not just for the good of the members of the group but for the world. And that too is good for us, because Jesus said, “It is more blessed to give than to receive” (Acts 20:35). It’s like the widow’s jar of flour and jug of oil in the story of Elijah: The more she gave, the more God gave. They never ran out (1 Kings 17:16). So we encourage each other, and we stir each other up to love.”  John Piper

[thecloserlook]

COMMENDATION

Of all the responsibilities we have reviewed in regards to our role as friends, commendation (or encouragement) is the only one we will be doing forever. 

Think about it.

We won’t need to confess sins to one another. We won’t need to correct one another. We won’t even need to comfort one another. At the nail-pierced feet of Jesus, all sin will be shed like a snake’s scales. In perfect communion with the Spirit, all relationships will be peacefully and perfectly reconciled. In the presence of the Father, we will feel loved and known like we have never yet experienced. The only earthly transfer to our heavenly friendships is that of encouragement. That should impact how important it is to us!

If you are like me, you may be pretty confident you got the “encourage” part of friendship down. It can’t be that hard, right? But the biblical command to encourage one another is more than just “say nice things.” It’s even more than commending someone for something they do well. Biblical encouragement needs to have an eternal perspective and purpose.

1Thessalonians 5:11 says, “Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.”

Here, the greek for “encourage” literally means “exhort.” Paul isn’t saying “puff each other up” or even “give yourselves hive fives,” but “if someone is doing well, encourage them to keep doing it.” Matthew Henry further explains  “Those who do that which is good have need of further exhortations to excite them to do good, to do more good, as well as continue in doing what they do.” Encouragements aren’t a “thank you for doing that.” They are a “please keep doing that!” Look at how Paul phrases this command to encourage...”encourage one another...just as you are doing.” He is encouraging them to encourage one another, just like they already are encouraging!

We see examples of this as well in the Old Testament. In chapters 1 and 3 of Deuteronomy, Moses speaks to the leaders of Israel, telling them to encourage Joshua as he prepares to succeed him as the leader. The word he uses translates “to strengthen, embolden.” To fortify in faith. Encouragement should be used to steel one another for the battles we are facing and the ones to come. It’s also interesting how Moses takes time to recount the faithfulness of God in the past as the basis for how Israel is to encourage Joshua for the future. Encouragement isn’t saying “you got this.” It’s saying, “God’s got this.” It’s not saying “you are gonna be fine.” It’s saying “God is going to be faithful.” It isn’t saying, “the best is yet to come.” It’s saying “God has already been good, you can trust him not to change now.” Biblical encouragement should always be pointing others away from their own abilities and instead to the power of God. So really, biblical encouragement is commending GOD to one another, in the specific ways we see him at work in each other’s lives. 

How do we apply this practically? If someone does something thoughtful for you, let them know that you saw the tender heart of Christ in their kindness to you. If someone excels in something, take time to celebrate how God the Father gave them a wonderful gift that you benefit from. Do you see the difference between encouragement and compliment? Compliments convey a temporal, passing sense of niceness. God designed encouragements to have a bolstering effect on our souls. It’s pointing past the good we see in someone to the giver of all good things. It’s reminding us that our services, our efforts, our actions, our gifts- they have eternal origin and significance.

Just as we should be consistent in the other three essential elements of friendship, we should be even more so with this one. Encouragement should be so prevalent that it is the reason the other three keep happening. We need to encourage someone confessing sin to keep walking in the light. We need to encourage someone struggling with besetting or blinding sin to keep clinging to the hope of the gospel. We need to encourage someone who is facing significant trial to endure. 

This habit of encouragement can especially apply to moms. Sometimes we get so focused on the ways our kids are coming up short/not getting it/acting foolishly/requiring forbearance that we feel like there is very little good or positive to point out. We can learn from Paul here. When he writes to the Corinthians, they were literally failing in every way. They allowed incest, got drunk on communion, screamed at each other in tongues, and didn’t believe Jesus ACTUALLY rose from the dead, just to name a few things going down. And yet Paul begins his letter to them sharing evidences of God’s grace that he sees in them. No matter what struggles your friends or kids are wrestling with, we should always be quick to find something to encourage.

So let me ask you these questions: Are you better at complimenting or encouraging your friends?  Do you correct each other more than you commend? Are you consistently looking for God’s activity in their life? When someone encourages you, do you remember to give God the glory for the good that is seen? 

Let’s be friends who do all four of these things- confession, correction, comfort, and commendation- well.

[thecloserlook]

Let’s take a closer look at comfort...

Scriptures to Study:

Hebrews 4 & 5

2 Corinthians 1:3-7

Psalm 23

Psalm 77

Isaiah 40:1-3

Isaiah 52: 8-10

Matthew 5:4

1 Thessalonians 3:6-8

Philemon 1:6-7

Words of Wisdom:

“Do any of us know why a particular event happens...even if these suggestions contain an element of truth, we are not in a position to unpack the mind of God regarding such mysteries...such explanations assume that some good outcome can nullify or justify the pain, but this is not so. A tragedy is still a tragedy; pain is still pain, even if some insight is gained in the process. We may hope that God has reasons for allowing suffering in his world, but that is very different from thinking we have access to those reasons or can understand why a particular experience of suffering is taking place.” -Kelly Kapic

“Friendship is one of the sweetest joys of life. Many might have failed beneath the bitterness of their trial had they not found a friend.” -Charles Spurgeon

“The rule for being personal is to say something when someone gives you access to their treasures...what guides our responses is both the golden rule and humility. The golden rule asks “what have others said to me that was helpful and encouraging?” Humility asks “what could help and encourage you?” When we don’t know what to say, we ask for help. As a variation of the golden rule, you could also consider what has been unhelpful to you and others. For example, it is almost always unhelpful to give advice to someone who is troubled unless the troubled one asks. Advice is what we would do in another’s situation, even though we might never have been in that situation. It usually sounds teacher-like, and it bypasses compassion...talking about yourself might also be unhelpful, at least initially...your intent might be to further invite the person to be open...but they can also change the topic from what is on the other person’s heart to what is on your own. If you do offer your own analogous story, be sure to go back to what is happening with the other person.” -Ed Welch

“The first service one owes to others in a community involves listening to them. Just as our love for God begins with listening to God’s Word, the beginning of love for others is learning to listen to them. God’s love for us is shown by the fact that God not only gives God’s Word but also lends us God’s ear.  . . . We do God’s work for our brothers and sisters when we learn to listen to them.” -Dietrich Bonhoeffer

“We need to recognize that we may have accurate things to say, but they may not be relevant. And if we have accurate and relevant things to say, we need to say them in a helpful way. If we give advice, we need to give advice that serves the person in how they process, not how we process…The focus of advice should be what God is up to and what a person can hear.” -Ed Welch

[thecloserlook]

COMFORT

Now, let’s move on to the final essentials. Let’s first talk about comfort. Comforting and caregiving may seem like pretty obvious “perks” of having a good friend. It’s often what people will say is their actual definition of friendship- someone you can lean on in hard times. But how do we know that our expectation for comfort from a christian friend is rooted in God’s word? How do we know that the way we comfort our friends is actually meeting the biblical standard?

We don’t have to look hard in the Bible to see examples of God’s people comforting one another. God himself even commands it. When Adam was lonely, God comforted him by giving him a companion so he would not be alone. When David was fleeing Saul, God comforted him through his friendship with Johnathan. When Israel was in exile and disarray, God comforted His people through prophets. In the New Testament, we see Mary comforted by Elizabeth, Jesus comforted by His disciples, Paul comforted by Timothy, and so on. God cares about our experience of comfort.

Paul Tripp says “There is never a day where we do not counsel one another.” Whether you feel equipped or not, aware of it or not, we are constantly giving and receiving counsel and comfort from one another. From littler things like long days to big things like chronic illness. There is never a time you are more like Christ than when you and your friend are, together, enduring the walk on the holy ground of suffering. Think about it. Christ came to suffer and die. When we suffer, we are like Him. It is where God tends to do His greatest and most complicated work in our lives. Staying committed to a friend in suffering is one of the clearest ways we can embody the love of Christ for them. My dad, Andy Farmer, once said “The one essential ingredient of biblical counseling is biblical love.” You may not have much, but if you have biblical love to offer your friend, that is all you need. 

How do we apply that Biblical love practically as we care for one another? More specifically, how do we endure with one another like Christ? Here are a just a few, but important, ways: 

1. We weep freely- The Bible is filled with laments. There are whole Psalms dedicated to the Biblical practice of lamenting to God. As believers, we need to develop this as a practice. But one of the greatest examples of lament is when Jesus weeps over Lazarus’ death. He knows He will raise him from the dead, He knows that He will make it right, and yet He still grieves. He doesn’t tell everyone to chill out or “don’t worry, I know what I’m doing.” Even knowing how He plans to redeem it, He allows Himself to experience the sorrow of unanswered prayer. We can mourn like Jesus, not as those who have no hope, but those who know that as much as this world grieves us, it grieves it’s maker even more. We can know the outcome ultimately be GOOD and STILL feel the freedom weep bitterly over the sorrow we experience. We need to remember this in our own suffering, and allow others time to lament their’s, without shame. 

2. We listen as we linger- Our instinct when faced with trial, especially prolonged trial, is to find the answer, or apply the perfect balm to heal the wound, so everyone can move on. But often God keeps us in places of dependance on Him through mystery, and a focus on the remedy can often become a blindness to His activity. We need to listen to others as they share their experiences and how it is affecting them. We need to remain engaged and involved even if it isn’t resolved. We need to be better at asking the right questions than we are focused on finding the right answers. And we need to get comfortable staying in that place, not rushing through it, even if it’s messy, as God does the slow, steady work of redeeming all things. Jesus came to us and dwelt among us. Think about that. He took time to be here on earth with us, to walk our roads and share our experiences. He lived in our broken world so we that we could have a Great High Priest who sympathizes with us in our grief. He was abandoned by God so we would never have to be. He bore our sorrows and took them into the grave. And when He ascended, He sent His Comforter, the Holy Spirit, so we would always feel His presence. He is Immanuel, God WITH us. That’s who we should be like. Unlike the disciples, who napped when the night hours grew long, we need to be like Jesus, patiently listening and lingering with those who suffer.

3. We pray constantly- Jesus is our advocate with the Father. He intercedes for us, even when it’s the same words, the same prayers, over and over again. The Holy Spirit Himself interprets our prayers to God the Father, through the Son. Take a look in the Bible and count how many times God Himself commands us to “call my name,” “turn and look,” “come to me,” “cast your cares,” “lift your voice,” and the host other other phrases He uses to say “PRAY!” We need to pray. We are commanded to pray. We should never stop praying. As friends who want to love like Jesus, we need to be focused less on the perfect words to say, and instead approach the throne boldly, constantly, like the children of God that we are, trusting that the Spirit will interpret and Jesus will cover. We can pray for the right words to say, and also pray for the God of perfect peace to come rule in the hearts and minds of those who suffer. We need to be quicker to pray for our friends than simply respond to them. While Job engaged with God in his distress, his friends were quick to interrupt with their own thoughts and answers, creating even more stress and discouragement. We need to spend less time offering advice, and more time praying for wisdom from above. 

These are just a few ways we can be like Christ to our suffering friends. And do you want to know a secret? You will need this from your friends soon, when it’s your turn to suffer. So let us “do unto others” as we pray they will return the favor in our own dark nights of the soul.

Let me ask you some questions: Do you allow your friends space to suffer? Are you quick to speak into their struggles instead of waiting on the Lord together? Do you have patience to linger with them in the valley? Do you let others into your pain to experience the tangible love of Christ for you? Do you pray out loud together?

[thecloserlook]

So let’s stop for a second and review.

We have been asking the question “what are the essentials to a healthy biblical friendship?” So far, we have seen that two of the four essential ingredients are confession and correction. Why? 

Let me explain.....there is too much. Let me sum up. (bonus if you know the movie reference here...) 

Biblical friends, or christian friends, should be people who love Jesus and want you to know the love of Jesus. These go together. It’s not “I love Jesus so I don’t have time to love others.” It’s not “I love you so much oh and also there is Jesus.” Our love for Jesus is the springboard for all other expressions and experiences of love. As Jesus loved us, so should we love others. Confession and correction are two of the essential ways we express that love of Jesus to our friends. Let’s see how they apply here: 

Confession between friends is essential because it allows there to be no pretense of perfection, but an equal acknowledgment of weakness and need for a Savior outside of themselves and each other. Friends who love Jesus love his free and perfect gift of salvation and want to, through confession, experience it’s sweet flavor of grace over and over. Friends who want us to know the love of Jesus encourage us as we confess our sins with the hope of the gospel.

Correction between friends should be a safe place of sharpening, where we are confident that there is honest, informed love behind every hard word. Friends who love Jesus know they need help obeying His commands and honoring His call. Friends who want us to know the love of Jesus care too much about his character and call to see other believers misrepresent or disobey him. 

Love for Jesus and loved by Jesus.

If these two aren’t present in our friendships in a consistent way, we need to ask ourselves why and start laying the foundations to make them more of a priority. Sure, these can be done in other relationships too, but these are BEST done in our friendships (and here, marriage between two believers counts as well, as we are all brothers and sisters in Christ). 

Next up, comfort.

[thecloserlook]

Want to take a closer look at correction?

Scriptures to Study:

Proverbs 12:15

Psalm 94:12

Proverbs 3:11–12

Proverbs. 27:6

Jeremiah 30:11 & Jeremiah 46:28

Hebrews 12:3–11

Words of Wisdom:

“The basis upon which Christians can speak to one another is that each knows the other is a sinner, who, with all his human dignity, is lonely and lost if he is not given help. This is not to make him contemptible nor to disparage him any way. On the contrary, it is to accord him the one real dignity that man has, namely, that, though he is a sinner, he can share in God’s grace and glory and be God’s child.” -Dietrich Bonhoeffer

“If you account him a believer, though greatly mistaken in the subject of debate between you, the words of David to Joab concerning Absalom, are very applicable: “Deal gently with him for my sake.” The Lord loves him and bears with him; therefore you must not despise him, or treat him harshly. The Lord bears with you likewise, and expects that you should show tenderness to others, from a sense of the much forgiveness you need yourself. In a little while you will meet in heaven; he will then be dearer to you than the nearest friend you have upon earth is to you now. Anticipate that period in your thoughts; and though you may find it necessary to oppose his errors, view him personally as a kindred soul, with whom you are to be happy in Christ forever.” -John Newton

"It is one of the severest tests of friendship to tell your friend his faults. So to love a man that you cannot bear to see a stain upon him, and to speak painful truth through loving words, that is friendship." -Henry Ward Beecher

“Love without truth is sentimentality; it supports and affirms us but keeps us in denial about our flaws. Truth without love is harshness; it gives us information but in such a way that we cannot really hear it.” -Tim Keller

“The community of the saints is not an 'ideal' community consisting of perfect and sinless men and women, where there is no need of further repentance. No, it is a community which proves that it is worthy of the gospel of forgiveness by constantly and sincerely proclaiming God's forgiveness. ” -Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Paul Tripp’s Process for Being Instruments of Change To One Another:

Love- our greatest goal should be restoring relationships with God and one another

Know- learn about people’s hearts, not just facts about situations

Speak- speaking truth as it pertains to the will of God and its unique application to your friend

Do- moving beyond insight into a circumstance towards practical application

[thecloserlook]

CORRECTION

The Bible often refers to this as “admonishment.” You can most clearly see this practice applied in Paul’s letters to the churches. His love for the gospel to be clear and the character of God to remain untarnished compels him to address the sins and struggles of fellow believers- their witness as image-bearers is at stake.  

And, like Paul, we have a responsibility towards one another. We need each other to see our ourselves and our actions accurately. Sin’s very essence is defiance and deceit. It claims to be what it isn’t and promises to provide what it can’t. Like eating the apple in the garden, the serpent claimed that it wasn’t really breaking God’s law (which it was), and that it would make Eve like God (which it wouldn’t). We need to be for each other what Adam wasn’t for Eve- friends who tell the truth.

As much as we can hate to do it or receive it, biblical admonishing or even rebuke is an element of biblical friendship that we cannot do without. It’s actually a primary purpose of friendship. Why? Because the very basis of biblical correction is rooted in love, for one another and for Jesus. Who is more qualified to love us like that than our friends? Wise words and ever corrective counsel, apart from love, is nothing more than noise (1 Corinthians 13). We need to have friends and be friends who do this well. When the question is “who is going to love Jesus enough to say it, but love the person enough to say it lovingly,” the answer should be “their friends.”

Let’s first talk about the biblical way to bring our friends a correction (some might call it “an observation”). Biblical correction must be loving. 1 Corinthians 13 1-8 should be the mandatory checklist for our thoughts before we share them in words. While this passage is used often at weddings, the definition of love reflected here is actually how we are to love others in all our relationships. Here is an example of how to apply this, specifically when bringing a correction to a friend: 

Patient- Am I being careful not to rush to conclusions or judgements without asking questions?

Kind- Is there a best time/place/way to share what I am seeing? Have I believed the best about this person?

Not Envious- Do I desire a personal benefit from this more than a having heart motivated for their good?

Not Boastful- Am I remembering my own weaknesses and coming to them in humility, as a fellow sinner?

Does Not Insist On Its Own Way- Am I planning on making demands for change that are not rooted in the Word of God or making room for His will to be made known?

Not Resentful- Am I allowing this observation to stew bitter thoughts in my mind?

Rejoices In Truth- Am I prepared to share the hope of the gospel?

Bears, Believes, Hopes, Endures All Things- If nothing changes, am I ready to, as far as I am able, continue to love that individual the way Christ has loved me?

Never Fails- Am I relying on my own strength to get this fixed or am I pointing us both to our need for Jesus? Do I have faith that God can change this person and am I holding out that promise to them?

If we make it through this, we should prayerfully move forward to sharing our concerns with our friends. Do you see how corrections are not a hall-pass to share with someone how they bother us? Biblical correction is, at its core, focused on how we honor God. There is a time and place to discuss with our friends the things that that do that don’t serve us or make relating to them  more difficult- but these should not be loaded with the same emphasis and weight as conversations about the commands of scripture. 

How does the Bible teach us to receive correction? We need to listen in light of the gospel. We need to remember that no one can say anything more damning than the cross already does. 1 John 1:8 and 10 says we are liars if we deny even the possibility of sin. Even if the correction is brought poorly or unfairly, we are responsible to sift through the dirt, and mine the gold out of it. So we must hear others thoughtfully, humbly, and soberly. But the cross doesn’t just speak to the reality that sin is there, but also to the power of God to forgive us and redeem us. 

One reason I think we often don’t excel at this (both in giving and receiving correction) is because of shame. We hate making people feel badly or we hate being made to feel bad. But we need to remember that neglecting this aspect of friendship is like saying “I don’t want to experience ALL of the love of God.” Why? Because the Lord disciplines those He LOVES. He is not mean, He is merciful. He may use the loving insights of others to do it. Part of His love IS His discipline. And gospel allows us to give and receive loving correction under the protection of the cross. No one is beyond the reach of it, and no sin is greater than the victory of it. We have to bring everything back to the foot of the cross, what we say and what is said, and then we rejoice that we can leave it there. Whether corrections are false or true, poorly given or poorly received, everything is covered by the blood of Jesus. We each can repent and experience real forgiveness, real mercy, and the Holy Spirit’s power to walk in confidence and not in condemnation. Why waste your time cloaked in your own defense when you have the blood of Jesus waiting to cover you?

Let me ask you these questions- Do you think through the call to biblical love before you bring a correction? Do you gossip and slander to others when you should be going directly to your friend? When a friend challenges you, do you thank them for loving you or grow embittered towards them like they are against you?

May we be a community of friends where correction does not limit fellowship, but strengthens it.

[thecloserlook]

Wanna take a closer look at confession? See for yourself!

Scriptures to Study:

James 5:16

1 John 1:7-9

Psalm 32:5

Proverbs 28:1

Words of Wisdom:

“We are saints who sin. The era in which we live- on the far side of Christ’s sacrifice for sins and his sending of the Spirit to free us, is not sin free. It is condemnation free and full of forgiveness, and it is an era when we are no longer slaves to sin and are liberated and empowered to fight against it. But it is not sin free...When we see our sin we are close to the light. Only when we don’t see our sin should we be suspicious of our hearts.” -Ed Welch

“Scripture is defining sin as a condition, that results in behavior. We all are sinners, and because of this, we do sinful things…Our core problem precedes our experience.” -Paul Tripp

“The gospel is this: We are more sinful and flawed in ourselves than we ever dared believe, yet at the very same time we are more loved and accepted in Jesus Christ than we ever dared hope.” -Tim Keller

Seven A’s of Confession:

~Address all involved

~Avoid “if….but…maybe”

~Admit specifically

~Apologize with sorrow

~Accept the consequences

~Alter your behavior

~Ask for forgiveness

-Ken Sande

“It is none other than Jesus Christ himself who suffered the scandalous, public death of a sinner in our stead. He was not ashamed to be crucified for us an evildoer…we cannot find the cross of Jesus if we shrink from going to the place where it is to be found, namely, the public death of a sinner in confession.” Dietrich Bonhoeffer

[thecloserlook]

CONFESSION

James 5:16 “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed.”

1 John 1:9 “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”

Why is confession essential to Biblical Friendship? Because we are sinners. We sin often, and our sins range from private offenses that affect our relationship with God, and public ones that affect others. Confession acknowledges this as our reality. On this side of the cross, by grace, we experience a condemnation-free life, but not a sin-free one. Confession is declaring to each other that we believe God can forgive us, that He has forgiven us, and that He does forgive us, and we don’t have to live the with the shame of our sin anymore. 

1 John 1:7-8 “If we walk in the light, as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another; and the blood of Jesus, his son, cleanses us from all sin.”

Maybe you are thinking “sure, I’ll confess my sin when I sin against someone.” But the Bible holds out another level for us. Not only should we be confessing sins and struggles to one another, but we should be doing it regularly. It’s should feel like common practice. Walking in the light means being intentional to keep ourselves there...not letting the light shine sometimes, but living in it. Why is consistent confession essential? Richard Foster states that “confession brings an end to pretense.” If we live in a world where we are not regularly talking with others about our struggles to overcome sin, we may not be seeing ourselves rightly, and we may not be benefiting from the whole Gospel like we ought. Christ’s death provides ongoing, ever-extending forgiveness to us...are we living in the good of that? Are we experiencing that through confession? It’s like having access to water, but choosing not to drink it unless we are REALLY thirsty. Are you holding out on the experience of God’s gracious forgiveness of your sins because you are waiting until you feel like you REALLY need it? (hint: you always need it, whether you feel like you do or not...)

You might ask “but isn’t it depressing to talk about our sin a lot?” Bonhoeffer challenges this by saying “The expressed, acknowledged sin has lost all its power. It has been revealed and judged as sin. Our goal is to contribute to a community in which it is increasingly natural to talk about sin and ask each other for help.”

Do you want that? We should all want to be able to be part of a community that makes sin less shocking and grace feel as free as it actually is, right?

So what is confession? Confession is taking every reasonable opportunity, through community, to distance ourselves from the things God hates to pursue what He loves. It’s not simply saying “I’m sorry.” True confession is specific about what was done. Who do we confess to? Dietrich Bonhoeffer helps us narrow the field when he says, “It is not experience of life but experience of the cross that makes one a worthy hearer of confessions.” Alright that may not really feel like narrowing the field, but it’s important that we don’t limit confession to the people we directly affected through our sin OR people we just feel comfortable with. As uncomfortable as it may seem, anyone covered under the blood of Jesus for their own sins is able to hear our confessions. Anyone who has stood at the foot of the cross, their own burden lifted, can stand next to us with ours while we do the same. 

It’s important here to remember why we can do this extremely challenging task with the hope of the gospel. Our best efforts cannot earn our salvation. Our worst struggles cannot forfeit it. Why? Because through confession, we remain at the foot of the cross, where the mercy of Christ covers us, and as we saw above, cleanses us from sin. Confessing your sin against someone or a way you have sinned against God is another way of saying “I can’t earn God’s favor but He has given it to me anyway, and I want experience the sweet taste of forgiveness and mercy all over again.” 

To truly grow as a community in this, it will require all of us to discipline ourselves in two ways. We need to grow to be both discerning but consistent confessors, as well as gospel-saturated listeners. Humility is just as much required of me as a listener as it is me as a confessor. The gospel is the great equalizer. It levels the playing field. We are all the same- sinners in need of a Savior. Jesus does not show partiality or preference, so we neither can we (Romans 2:10-12). In the gospel, we see that God has not demanded holiness at the expense of mercy, so we shouldn’t either. It is vital for the health of our friendships that we get this right.

When is the last time you confessed a specific sin with a friend? Are your friendships marked by a practice of confession in which you all participate? Are your friendships safe havens for sin, or safe havens for sinners to experience God’s forgiveness and mercy through regular confession?

[thecloserlook]

BIBLICAL FRIENDSHIP

Recently I completed a six month study of biblical friendship. It all started with the question ��what should I expect from people who I call friends?” It was a pretty selfish way to start a really stimulating study. And what God is doing in me as I take a “closer look” at my friends....He is changing ME. What started as “how do I know what a good friend is” became “How do I become more like my friend Jesus?”

So we begin here. The next series of posts will be a compilation of my study. My prayer is that God uses this to make us think a littler deeper and work a little harder at something we may merely be doing out of habit.

If you were getting married tomorrow, who would you ask to be your maid of honor? When something really amazing or really terrible happens, who are the first two people that come to mind you want to tell? Basically, who is your best friend?

Now a different question; what makes them a good friend? Is it because you’ve known them the longest? Is it because they know the most about you? Maybe it’s because you can be the most “real” with them. Or maybe because “they always have your back.”

Now one last question, how do you know that you are a good friend? What standard are you holding yourself to?

The dictionary defines “friend” as “one attached to another by affection or esteem.” According to this definition, if we love someone, and they love us back, we are friends. That’s a pretty low threshold.

So let’s take this back one step further. Who originated the experience of “friendship”? What is the purpose of it? To this question, we can find all the answers we need in the Word of God.

The first thing we must acknowledge is that the origin of friendship, or to be more biblically accurate, “fellowship,” comes from the Trinity itself. Now, a wise person tries not to “explain the Trinity.” How do you describe the Indescribable? To keep things simple and safe, here are two relevant facts the Bible reveals about the Trinity that are pertinent to our study:

1) The Godhead, the three persons of the Trinity, always existed in perfect unity and fellowship, needing nothing else to be complete, and it was out of that perfect love, the world was created. God has always existed in a community with Himself, and so likewise he has made us not to be isolated, but to be dependent on one another. We see this throughout God’s self revelation in the Scriptures, but most clearly in the very beginning, in Genesis, when He says “let us make man in our image...” Let US make man in OUR Image. We are created to be a reflection of the Trinity- distinct but collective.

2) We were created to glorify God, as revealed in His Trinitarian nature, and enjoy fellowship with Him forever. This especially clear in Revelation 4 and 21; that is the purpose of our lives. So how do we do that? We get a clue when we read what Jesus prays for repeatedly in John 17 (vs 20-26). He prays that we would become one- in unity with each other- why? So that we would be like him- bringing glory to God and sharing in the love of the Trinity.

So we know that Biblical friendship/fellowship is not a mere blessing or grace, but a part of our eternal nature. We were created to need it. We cannot do without it. But not simply as a means of fulfilling needs, but rather fulfilling our call to glorify God. And similar (but never at the same level) to the Trinity’s deep and intimate fellowship, merely attending a Christian group or associating with others who are godly doesn’t meet that mandate of biblical fellowship. It’s certainly not the type of unity Jesus prayed for us to have.

It’s important here to acknowledge that there are different types of relationships that can fall under the banner of “friend.” The same word “friend” is used differently in the Bible. For example, the greek word “friend” used to describe Lazarus’ relationship to Jesus (in John 11) means “dearly loved.” However, Jesus also addresses Judas as a “friend” in Matthew 26, when he comes to betray him, but the greek translates to that of an acquaintance, what you would call someone when you don’t know their name. We know this practically through experience as well. We can be close to coworkers or people even in our family who aren’t believers, we can even call them good or great friends, but since we don’t share the same faith, there is a level of understanding and unity we simply can’t reach with them.

So the real question we need to ask isn’t “what makes us/others a good friend” but, going back to what we know about the origin of friendship, should be “how do I bring God glory as a friend, with my friendships?” Here again, the Bible makes clear how we can govern our time and energy.

Biblical friends are people who help each other see God more clearly, and encourage each other to love him more completely.

Our role as friends, and our expectations of our christian friends is defined by this mandate. We need to be looking for, pointing to, celebrating, and reminding others of who God is and what He is doing. And we are to be encouraging, supporting, reminding, and assisting each other to increasingly live for His glory as we deepen our love for Him. 

So how do we practically honor our eternal call to biblical friendship? Here are the four essentials you need: Confession, Correction, Comfort, and Commendation. If you are surprised, good- it means you are reading this (haha). These four essentials must be present in our friendships with other believers. Things like compatibility, longevity, shared humor, or even proximity, they all need to fall into the “great, but not essential” category. Wonderful to have, but can’t be considered more important. In the course of our lives in christian community, we need to be incorporating these four essentials in ever increasing and deepening ways. These are the means by which we live out our call to Biblical friendship. 

Up next, why “confession” is essential to biblical friendship...

[thecloserlook]

“After review...” These words are literal game changers. When you hear them, you brace yourself. It could either mean a confirmation of what you already know, or a correction of what you originally thought. Either way, on the other side of that study is change. Everyone is forced to live with the consequences- the reality of what was revealed. 

I’ve been spending a lot of time taking “ a closer look” these days. I feel like I’m staring into one of those massive cameras, with the privacy curtains all around me, headphones on, trying to slow down the motions and examine them piece by piece. It ranges from little questions (”why do I clean the house BEFORE the weekend??”) to bigger ones (”do I know what the Bible ACTUALLY says on this issue?”). It’s been a season of self-reflection and social study. 

This blog has been a chronicling of massive life changes, powerful experiences, personal relationships, and prayers answered. And life has moved on. We added a baby girl to the mix. We (well, I) started homeschooling. We joined the mini-van club. Big stuff and little stuff. But in the midst of it all, there is a burden to keep studying. To keep learning. To keep reviewing. To not fall into the bad habit of “doing what I know” but instead KNOWING what I do and WHY I do it. Watching my life means watching how I live it. 

As I reflected, I started compiling the work of my study into written words. Trying to take it from my brain and store it somewhere else. So I decided to store it here.

Here you will find me asking questions. Then you will see me go to the Word of God for answers. Sometimes I’ll use a wise friend too. Or a good book. But I’ll always start with the Word of God. That’s the source of wisdom. That’s the origin of Truth. That’s the revelation of all knowledge. Even my most difficult question can find an answer there. 

So come over to the monitor and take a closer look with me!

[thecloserlook]

 “None of you can be pastors without the loving consent of the flock; and therefore this will be to you a practical indicator if not a correct one.  If your call from the Lord be a real one you will not long be silent.  As surely as the man wants his hour, so surely the hour wants its man.  The church of God is always urgently in need of living ministers; to her a man is always more precious than the gold of Ophir. Formal officials do lack and suffer hunger, but the anointed of the Lord need never be without a charge, for there are quick ears which will know them by their speech, and ready hearts to welcome them to their appointed place.  Be fit for your work, and you will never be out of it.  Do not run about inviting yourselves to preach here and there; be more concerned about your ability than your opportunity, and more earnest about your walk with God than about either.  The sheep will know the God-sent shepherd; the porter of the fold will open to you, and the flock will know your voice.” CH Spurgeon

_____________________________________

On October 22nd, 2017, after ten years of prayerful waiting and discerning, five years of informal training, four summers of internships, and one year of intense study, Leo was ordained as a pastor at Risen Hope Church. It was a beautifully rich service, with family and friends present, all people who had walked this journey with us and given themselves to it as well...financially, relationally, prayerfully, and educationally. The Bible makes it clear that the process required for identifying ministers among the people of God rests on two factors: personal calling AND public endorsement. Leo didn’t want to be ordained merely through a degree but through the support and acceptance of a local church. By God’s undeserved kindness, Risen Hope Church, and Sovereign Grace Churches, accepted and confirmed Leo as their pastor. It felt like a “we did it” moment, but the “we” was not just us, but everyone with us. All the parents and mentors who had poured into us. All the friends who had supported and challenged us. All the professors and pastors who had shepherded us. And many of those groups bleeding together. This was a family moment, but that family was our church (and movement of churches). It was a powerful day of remembering God’s faithfulness and provision, while feeling the weight of the call as we looked at the faces of everyone who had carried us to this point. If you couldn’t be there, know that you were on our hearts, in that room, just as if you had been.

It was odd that, after such a monumental Sunday, the next day was so normal. Leo went back to teaching in the city. I went to my homeschool co-op and the grocery store. But that was good for us. It reminded us that the ordination was the beginning, not the culmination, of Leo’s pastoral calling. That life was going to continue on much like it had, with an added weight of glory. It was humbling. And we were reminded that walking on all of it, the monumental and the mundane, was treading holy ground of christian sacrifice.

_____________________________________

“No church is better able to confirm a call to the ministry than a man’s home church – it is the natural and appropriate proving ground.  He should submit himself, therefore, to the spiritual leadership of his church fellowship, asking them to test his call.” Derek Prime

“None of the following, as desirable as many of them are, should be the reason why you believe God has called you to the ministry of preaching: Ambition to be noticed, to prove yourself, or to “make a difference;” confidence that you could do well in the ministry; compassion for hurting people; confusion about a mystical experience; fluency in public speaking; knowledge of the Bible; failure at all other types of work; belief that ministry would be the best means to an easy life, study and intellectual pursuits, or wealth; acquiescence to the expectation of a parent or the selfish opinion of others; conviction that the church needs you.  Do not enter the ministry if one of these is your main motivation.  You must be called.” DS Whitney 

“God’s call is an inner conviction given by the Holy Spirit and confirmed by the Word of God and the body of Christ.“ Erwin Lutzer

“There is never a moment in ministry when you aren’t being ministered to. The Savior is not just working through you in the lives of others, but He is also working in you as He works through you. He is not just calling you to be an agent of His transforming grace; He is transforming you by the same grace. He is not just committed to the success of your ministry but also to the triumph of His grace in your own heart and life... You are never just a vehicle of His amazing grace. No, you are always also a recipient of that grace.” PD Tripp

"I believe the family was established long before the church, and my duty is to my family first. I am not to neglect my family." Dwight L. Moody

[thecloserlook]

One Year Later

“A good many are kept out of the service of Christ, deprived of the luxury of working for God, because they are trying to do some great thing. Let us be willing to do little things. And let us remember that nothing is small in which God is the source.” D.L.Moody

“Stepping into God’s story means abandoning a deeply held desire to make meaning of our own lives on our own terms based on the preciousness of our own feelings.” R.Butterfield

“Nor is it the spirit of those Christians - alas, they are many - whose ambition in life seems limited to building a nice middle-class Christian home, and making nice middle-class Christian friends, and bringing up their children in nice middle-class Christian ways, and who leave the sub-middle-class sections of the community, Christian and non-Christian, to get on by themselves...The Christmas spirit does not shine out in the Christian snob. For the Christmas spirit is the spirit of those who, like their Master, live their whole lives on the principle of making themselves poor - spending and being spent - to enrich their fellowmen, giving time, trouble, care and concern to do good to others - and not just their own friends - in whatever way there seems need.” J.I.Packer

_____________________________________

It’s been one year since we arrived home from our nine-month adventure in Louisville. As we were warned, it has taken up until very recently for us to feel like we are actually settling back in at home. Sure, we had unpacked our few belongings months ago. But unpacking all that God did, all that we gleaned, and figuring out what kind of affect it would have....that’s been a long, slow process. 

I took a break from writing for a few reasons. First, I know it’s mostly for myself, to organize my thoughts and experiences, and I realized after the summer I didn’t want to rush the process for any external purposes. Secondly, it was all we could do to keep our heads above water in our first year back...catching up on homeschool, teaching, home renovations, Leo’s pastoral ordination, church life, rebuilding community, and leading a youth ministry. Writing about it would have been a series of posts saying “this is so hard” followed by “we don’t know what we are doing” and ending with “what was that thing Gary and Betsy said?” And finally, I was sure that at this point I had run out of anything saying worth reading...even for myself. I don’t want to add din to the social media chorus, especially when we are just a quiet little family living a normal little life. The “novelty” of our PC experience was over...so why chronicle the mundane?

As I have prayed over it, and really thought hard, these quotes above have encouraged me to get back at it (albeit inconsistently). The ordinary life, lived in surrender to the will of God, is radical. Our society pushes greatness down our throats in the capsule of accomplishments. Who do you know? What’s your degree? Where have you traveled? What are your fields of expertise? Who are you reading? To not be able to keep up in these conversations earns you a “aw, she is so innocent.”

Well, my accomplishments are not something I could boast of at a dinner party. I wouldn’t loudly tout my skill at changing a dirty diaper on a sleeping baby. But I am increasingly convinced that, among the many wonderful things to be “good at” in this world, being a good wife, mother, and friend is about all I can manage these days. And that doesn’t make me “innocent.” It makes me purposefully useful. I am not “lesser” for doing “less” if my efforts are to the best of my ability, for the people who God has placed around me. 

So as I continue chronicling my humble little days, I hope to showcase how God is using us in the little things, how the PC changed our little family, and hopefully, someone reading it who is feeling “less than” gets encouraged to keep being faithful in the little moments too. 

Also, I’m going to desperately try to not be long winded. Pray, y’all.

[thecloserlook]

Growing up, there was nothing more exciting that completing the last day of the school year and being freed from bondage for the summer. For our family, there was no better way to usher in that glorious experience than driving to Indiana, Pennsylvania, and spending four days with our dearest friends at Celebration. It was like the event itself was designed for us, as a massive, 4,000 person graduation party. I remember the puppet shows in the big theatre, leaving with glow sticks around our heads, lighting up our room on the last night. I remember Mark Altrogge’s crazy wild assembly, where we did everything from loud worship and passionate teaching to smelling rotten food, cleaning mud off each other’s feet, and epic dance battles. I remember Eric Chaz working himself out of a straight jacket in the strobe light. I remember singing until my voice was hoarse while we worshipped to As Long As I Have Breath, Refuge (Lord, I Have Found), Shout, Across The Great Divide, Jesus Thank You For The Cross, and Alas And Did My Savior Bleed. I remember crying my eyes out when The Gospel Song Compilation was performed, and laughing hysterically when Covenant Life performed parodies about pastors or other common church experiences (by the brilliant Kathy Spiro). I remember meeting friends from other churches, exchanging addresses, and writing to them throughout the summer. I remember chanting my Philippians verse proudly as I went to battle against the Romans or Galatians. I remember needing to be so quiet Captain Destiny could hear a pin drop, or giving the Officer of the Day a ROUND of applause and a BIG hand. I remember playing card games like Egyptian Rat Screw, Scum, and Spoons with my friends in the afternoons, in the common rooms or dorm rooms. I remember falling out of the top bunk in my room and waking up on the floor, which was basically a right of passage….to something. And of course I remember the special days I got to eat a meal at the cafeteria with my mom, when she served on the worship team, where I could have a warm meal (not the standard poptarts and cold bagels). Celebration was a big deal to our family. There were countless traditions and events that surrounded it, including just being there, which made it the epic beginning to our summer and inevitably the highlight of my year. Some of my earliest and most significant spiritual memories and milestones were born out of those four days spent at IUP, and it will always be meaningful to me. However, as I have gotten older, I realize that I didn’t truly understand the point of it. I always assumed it was just a way to get everyone together, to have fun, connect as friends, and experience a heavenly-taste of reunion. And it was that. But it was also something more. And I didn’t realize until we stopped doing it that it had other, more important purposes. Celebration was a unity-promoting-mission-maker. It took thousands of people, from their own small local churches, and gave them a chance to step back and get a bigger picture of what God was doing, and the broader work in the kingdom of Heaven going on in the world. And it allowed an eclectic variety of gifting and mission-expression to be encouraged and highlighted. Celebration was literally a celebration of all that God was doing in our movement and beyond, and it set the tone for another year of church-life, reminding everyone of the importance of their individual roles, in their own local churches. While we were away this year at the PC, I started to experience things I can only describe as dejavu, and I didn’t know why. It didn’t make sense. Nothing we were doing or seeing we had ever experienced before. But slowly, it started to click. I was having my Celebration-fire royally stoked. Just like I used to 13 years ago, I was taking a step outside of my relentlessly moving life to see the bigger picture. Like parachuting from a speeding jet, everything stopped moving, and I was hovering, looking at the giant landscape, taking in all that was happening, that I would never have had time or capacity to see otherwise. My (seemingly) large corner of the world was now just a tiny dot, surrounded by hundreds of such corners, all converging and coordinating with one another. And while my small piece of life was still beautiful to me, I was amazed at just how diversely beautiful the others were, and how, without them, my corner would not be flourishing. This past year at the PC, I was reminded of so many things I had allowed myself to forget. The passion for shared mission. That awe-inspiring feeling of being a part of something bigger. Something that makes all the little nothings in your day-to-day feel more significant. All the ways God is working in me, my own local church, and how that is inspiring and encouraging others. But also, seeing God move powerfully outside my limited worldview. It seemed only right, then, that we return from the PC and proceed so quickly to the first Celebration conference in 13 years. It wasn’t just a coincidence, it was providence. God’s timing is LEGENDARY, and I was totally cool with it. Was it everything it used to be? No. That’s not even a good question. Was it great? Yes. Resoundingly yes. Was it better? Yes. Why? Because Christ grows sweeter, heaven looks better, fellowship is deeper, and the Spirit is nearer every day we approach His return. I felt refreshed, reinvigorated, refined, and refueled. That wasn’t because Celebration was a nostalgia-fest. It’s because God was faithful, yet again, to draw near to His gathered people and meet with us. It can happen anywhere, with anyone, and He chose to pour out His presence on us this past week. Highlights? Too many to count. But listening/watching faithful followers of Christ sing passionately in worship was wonderful. Hugging dear friends who have served their local churches, without pomp or prestige, for many years, was humbling. Cheering for all the planned church plants in the coming years (most from men we now know and love from our PC class), and rejoicing in the ways the gospel is being preached to the lost and dying world, that was powerful. Praising God for the adjustments He is making, the humility pastors and leaders display in searching for them, and the joy of anticipating His ongoing refinement was moving. And above all, being reminded that you don’t need to be a large church to have a large impact. You don’t need to have a large capacity to have a large influence. You don’t need to have a large wallet to be considered a valuable contributor. We are saved to be sent, but not alone. We need each other. We need community. The God that is in eternal fellowship with Himself does not intend for His people to live in isolation. We are all joined into fellowship with Him, and in that, with one another. And it’s a beautiful, powerful, eternally wonderful privilege. And I don’t want to waste it. Do you?

[thecloserlook]

“It’s addictive the minute you let yourself think, “the things that I say just might matter to someone.” ~ Sara Bareilles

Update (the short version) Where are we now: Living at the Farm, with my family, which is basically a five-star hotel with an incredibly selfless, attentive, wonderful, generous, patient managers. When do we move: We move into our home on August 12th, Lord willing, since we plan to spend the week before on some renovations). Until then, it's basically a two month vacation at the Farm, and we love it. How are the kids: They ask often for friends from Louisville, but otherwise have been caught up in the mass of cousins and reunions. Tristan has played so hard he started taking afternoon naps again, and Lincoln loves Leo more than any other being on the planet. He now rubs his fingers together as a sign “come here” and every time he sees Leo he will do that until Leo picks him up. Tristan knows we need to move again into “the old white house.” He doesn’t seem too excited about it. Oh, and he threw up a hot dog last night because he ate it too fast. That about catches you up.

Update (the much much much much longer version) Blogging is trickier than I thought it would be. When I started it, I had no expectations that (other than family) anyone would read it with great interest. I don’t have a way of tracking the traffic that makes it’s way to this page.

And yet, I have found myself steadily surprised when people comment about it to me. People from other states, other churches, other nations even (though I wouldn’t say I have INTERNATIONAL fame or anything). I have no idea if they followed along with every post or just dropped in for one or two, but the fact is, people do read this thing. And so began the slippery slope in my heart, “what I am saying matters, so I need to keep talking.” Then, suddenly, without warning, this little nothing meant for nobody in particular became a necessary means by which I felt known. I began to assume that all the people who loved us, cared about our lives, or wanted to keep up with us were reading this. “It’s obvious,” I asserted, “that the great effort I am putting into this to be as transparent as possible will serve to make the transition home much smoother. Everyone will be up to date, ready to receive us, and I won’t feel like I have to catch up with a million people!”

Three realities hit upon our first few weeks back. 1) A lot of people don’t read this blog. Outside of family, upon our return, I received a mixed bag of reactions. I had people praying for our long drive back, and people texting me that day asking “what month are you coming home again?” Our first Sunday back, some people messaged me saying “hey, happy first Sunday home!” Other people, upon seeing me, took awhile to register it, and then hugged us in surprise, like we had been sneaky about coming back. It wasn’t their fault, and it wasn’t a lack of love on their part. It was just reality.

2) During our nine months of growing, changing, and life-altering, everyone we left behind had also been doing those things for nine months. Surprise alert, Facebook/Instagram/Twitter stalking still doesn’t make up for face-to-face communication. I felt like I knew what was up with people, and found out quickly how behind I was on their real lives. In turn, I also felt like a stranger in some ways, or at the very least an outsider. While it felt like we were gone for such a short time, I wondered if it had in fact been a lifetime, given how much people had changed, we had changed, and how different it felt to be among them. So despite my diligence of sharing/reviewing life on the web, I still found myself trying to catch up with a million people.

3) We are not that important. We just aren’t. In many ways, the PC experience is humbling, showing you just how small of a part you are playing in the broader work God is doing to advance His kingdom. But in some ways, it does provide you with an unusual sense of being “known.” People look for you. People are assigned to care for you. People are at your disposal. Moving home, it was freshly humbling to experience “normal life,” where everyone is multitasking and doesn’t have a long time to “stand upon ceremony.” It’s like coming back to work after being sent on a long trip, and your secretary, typing busily on her computer, looks up for a second to say “welcome back,” and then goes right back to work, handing you a bunch of folders to sort through on your way back to your desk. In that moment, it’s tempting to wonder if your absence or return mattered at all.

Now, if you are reading this, and wondering if you contributed to the hard parts of our homecoming, you would be missing the point. And this blog is not intended to condemn or correct anyone (especially since so many have done nothing but attempt to love us through this season). The point is, on this journey, we continue to learn. And we are learning so that we grow, understand, and translate that to be helpful to others. Just like we did not attend the PC as experts, we are not returning from our exile as heroes. All these conflicting experiences, while at times discouraging, certainly, have served to bring us closer together as a family, and in a stronger, surer awareness of our identity in Christ. The less we feel “known” by the world, the more comforting it is to be known by God. The less we feel understood, the more we value the one who “knows our inward parts.” The less we feel pursued, the more we treasure the relentless pursuit of God. The growing divide between the world we left and the world we are returning to pushes us further up, further in, to place where we truly feel “home,” in His presence. It’s not that being home has been bad. It’s been hard. And hard things, harsh circumstances, they produce the best kinds of fruit if you let them. And we want them to.

Our struggles have surprised us at times. We did not expect it to be this hard. We did not anticipate it. And that's been a learning curve in itself.

Here have been the most frequent issues on the spiritual battlefield: dealing with discouragement when old friendships/past times don’t feel as natural/comforting as they were, endurance to keep pouring into others even if it doesn’t produce an increase in mutual understanding, wisdom in how to spend our energy practically, and clarity on how to spend our free time wisely.

So to conclude this particular post on our initial adjustment home, I want to briefly share to things.

1) The ways we can serve you all We feel privileged to come home to this area, to Risen Hope Church, to this community, and we are lucky to have landed first in the safe net of family. We want continue to pray for you all, along with those who have lovingly and generously supported us over these past nine months, that you all receive abundantly more than you graciously gave to us. We want to continue being as transparent as possible, so that we make it easy on anyone who selflessly is looking after us (because we know it requires selfless love to keep up with all our needs!). I also know that the best defense is a good offense. That means, in guarding our hearts from discouragement, we are positioning ourselves as learners, desiring to pursue others, ask questions, get to know how you all are doing, and not just make our presence revolve around our needs. I hope that you experience from us attentiveness and intentionality when in conversation. We hope we can be servant-leaders, not just leaders. We hope that, where we have felt lack, we can give (not complain). And we hope we can keep our eyes open to see others who may be feeling like we can be tempted to feel, unseen or unknown in a sea of busy people.

2) The ways you can serve us Let’s be honest, this post already is pretty “me-centered” in regards to the Parris’. But at each phase of this journey, I’ve sought to find ways to harness my experiences for practical benefit to others. So, as way to help anyone interested, here are some ways we can be served in the next month or so. -It really does serve us to have someone willing to ask us questions about our experiences. Don’t assume someone else is. And don’t assume that, even if they are, it’s probably enough. We love sharing about all that God did this year! -Forebear with us if our initial conversations with you feel like an interrogation. We have so much to catch up on, and it may take awhile to get to the right questions to reveal the most content. It takes a lot of work, and we appreciate it if people are willing to let us back into their worlds. We are not pretending we already know the information. We want to be told! -Every event that was normally relaxing now requires more effort. It’s like carving a new well to fill with memories, and making space for them. We get tired more easily because it takes more out of us than it used to. We will be pacing ourselves, and that process may not always make sense or be predictable. We are so grateful to have the safe haven of my parent's house for times like this. -If we are not responding to you promptly if you are reaching out to us, please know it isn’t because we just want space. Sometimes the timing of messages coincides with a busy week or a particularly long day, and we feel spent. But we do deeply value all those communications of love, and we hope to respond to those who have extended them! -Please pray for patience. 80% of what we are experiencing that is hard is only fixed by time. And we need to patiently wait for it to tick by. And not be idle in the meantime. Mean time. Get it? Yeah, that was pretty bad.

Gosh, we have so much to learn. So much to be grateful for. So much to work on. Glad to be doing it among the dearest people on earth.