#because he's always had issues with them and respiratory stuff that got a lot worse with the cold

[andtothoseilove]

my gorgeous old man 🤍

[sageblogsthings]

Do you have any tips on how to write characters with scoliosis in a respectful/accurate way?

Thank you so much for asking! I smiled like an idiot when I saw this ask. :) Let me preface this by saying that scoliosis can vary a lot from person to person depending on the severity of curvature, location of curvature, treatment methods, etc. So I think that, as with anything really, getting a wide range of viewpoints and voices on the issue will make it easier to write! Honestly just scrolling through the scoliosis tag on tumblr will give you a good sense of what it’s like for some people too. With that being said, I’ll talk a bit about my experience, and how I wish that characters with scoliosis were portrayed. Just know that my answer is far from universal amongst those with scoliosis. Also, medical treatment where I live is pretty shitty so I may have some other undiagnosed stuff that I’m attributing to scoliosis who knows lol. And I’m still learning a lot about it myself! Ok, with that caveat out of the way, here we go!

I’m gonna put a tw here for discussions of scoliosis, chronic pain, anxiety, and depression

Also, for those who don’t wanna read about my experiences with scoliosis, if you scroll down there’s 13 tips on how to write characters with scoliosis (a lot of these tips apply to chronic pain in general tho). :)

To talk about my own experience a bit, I was first diagnosed with scoliosis when I was about 10 or so. When I was first diagnosed they told me it was minor and just to watch my posture. Scoliosis runs in my family but for most of my family members it’s pretty mild so I didn’t worry about it and went on my merry way. In hindsight, not the best way to deal with that but ah well.

Flash-forward to college. I had been having back pain and headaches for awhile, but I just figured it was studying for prolonged periods of time, carrying a heavy backpack frequently, and not watching my posture when I studied. I never connected it to scoliosis because I hadn’t had a check-up since that first diagnosis. Again, not the best idea but life happens.

I just finished my junior year in college, and I have had almost non-stop doctors appointments all year. It started after I had some sharp pain in my lower back, and got x-rays to see what was going on. Several doctors appointments and an ER visit later I find out that my scoliosis has gotten significantly worse, and that I have a fractured L5 as well. One thing I don’t see mentioned a lot with scoliosis is that it significantly weakens your spine (usually lower) because your weight distribution is thrown off. I had a job that involved some pretty heavy lifting, and voila fractured L5. 13/10 would not recommend btw.

My curvature (I can’t get consistent answers from doctors) is somewhere in the 20′s in my lumbar region and in the upper 20′s/lower 30′s in my thoracic region. At least with the neurosurgeons I’ve spoken to, they don’t consider you a candidate for surgery until the upper thirties or forties, unless you have significant neurophysiological symptoms. Treatment options vary widely depending on where you live, what you can afford, and what your doctor will give you a referral for, but most doctors will recommend physical therapy off the bat. To my knowledge, most doctors do not recommend bracing anymore, though I think in children that might be different (not so sure on that). So currently, I am waiting on an appointment with a pain management specialist and will go from there. 

Even though the curvature in my spine is relatively minor, I still experience significant symptoms. Some of these symptoms include sciatica, pinched nerves in my arms, legs, and back, muscle spasms in my upper back and neck, swelling of my hands and feet, and numbness or pain in my hands and wrists. Also, because my spine curves more in the upper portion of my back, my left lung cannot expand as much as my right lung. This isn’t always a problem, but I get shortness of breath pretty easily, and any respiratory infections make it super hard to breathe properly (pneumonia sucks a butt). There’s also the obvious bit of scoliosis where I stand a little crooked. Another thing I think that not a lot of people know is that how “lopsided” you are can vary from day to day. This doesn’t mean that the curvature is changing day-to-day, but the muscles may be more relaxed or tightened on some days.

So that’s my experience pretty much (bless you if you read all that!). But, to show an example on the opposite end of the spectrum, my friend had (I think) a 30 degree curvature in the thoracic region and 50 degree curvature in the lumbar. He had immediate corrective surgery (I’m not sure exactly what kind) and now aside from the scar on his back and that he looks like a table when he bends over (his words lol i’m not being mean) you would never know. And even weirder, he had no significant symptoms before his surgery aside from occasional sciatica. So your symptoms don’t necessarily depend on the degree of curvature, where the curve is located has a lot to do with it. Typically, more curvature in the upper spine is more painful but that’s by no means always the case.

Ok, so how in the heck does this all apply to writing characters? I promise it does, I’m not just rambling (well, maybe haha).

13 Things to Consider When Writing Characters With Scoliosis:

Their symptoms may vary from day to day. This may mean that some days they can do activities like running or baseball, and other days they can barely type or walk without pain.

They may have no, mild, or severe symptoms, depending on the location and severity of curvature, and other factors.

What is medical care like where they live? Dealing with doctors, neurosurgeons, physical therapists, etc. is just a part of having scoliosis, and very often an incredibly draining aspect. This is especially true if you have anxiety or other factors that make going to the doctor even more unpleasant.

Were they misinformed about scoliosis? Unless you go to someone who specializes in scoliosis treatment, you’re probably gonna get inaccurate information about something. For example, I was told constantly as a kid to watch my posture. Yes, this can have an impact, but more and more research is showing that scoliosis in many cases is influenced more by hormones (especially in teenage years) than posture. There’s also more egregious examples of this, such as a neurosurgery PA who recently told me not to ever use CBD to alleviate pain because it’s a “gateway drug.” This is literally impossible. So for writing, this could translate into frustration or even anger for your character. But it could also make for some funny situations later! I wrote down everything that crazy PA told me and it still makes me laugh from time to time.

Don’t give them a back-breaking job. It will literally break their back lol. I’m not saying they can’t be active, but if someone is impacted by scoliosis on a daily basis they probably aren’t working as a professional wrestler. Or maybe they are, and your story is trying to explain how that works lol

What do they do to manage the pain (if they have it)? For me, the symptoms are typically inflammatory in nature so things like ice, heat, turmeric tea, and anti-inflammatory medications help relieve the symptoms. This is one of those things where getting other viewpoints is good though too!

Is their spine visibly crooked? If so, are they self-conscious about it? This varies a loooot, and may even vary with symptoms. For example, maybe some days when the pain isn’t bad they wear a cute dress that shows their shoulder-blades. But then when the pain is bad, they just want to look like a hobo. I say this from experience lol.

Have people treated them differently because of it (positively or negatively)? Some people may experience bullying if their scoliosis is more visible, especially as a child. They may also be treated differently by adults, who are trying to look out for them, but nevertheless it still makes them stand out from other kids.

Do they make jokes about it? For example, I can be found frequently saying “my spine said yeet!” or “straight spine? idk her” or my personal favorite “my spine is about as straight as I am.” Scoliosis sucks, but living with it you learn to find humor in it too.

Are they going to get surgery for it? I can’t speak on this part since I haven’t had surgery, but I would imagine that there is a psychological aspect to this that you would want to mention for your character, as well as any logistical aspects like finances, dealing with trash insurance companies, etc.

How does scoliosis impact their mental health? This is one of my pet peeves, and it’s entirely founded in a lack of resources and education, so I’m not aiming this at anyone specifically. But scoliosis does impact your mental health, especially if you have pre-existing conditions like anxiety or depression already. It can be incredibly depressing to want to do something as simple as going for a walk, but you’re in too much pain. It can also really impact anxiety. For example, when I found out about my curvature change in college I had one of the biggest anxiety attacks I’ve ever had. There is also the added issue of not being able to breathe properly at times, which can make a panic/anxiety attack much worse (in intensity or duration). Of course, mental health issues can also be exacerbated by the environment you’re in, so that is definitely something to consider for your character.

What was their diagnosis like? What factors impacted their ability to get a diagnosis? Lack of adequate medical care or having crappy insurance is a huge problem, and it makes it really hard or even impossible for some people to get a diagnosis. And for most neurosurgeons or specialized treatment facilities you have to have that diagnosis and referral for them to be able to do anything. There may also be aspects of your character’s home life that prevents them from getting a diagnosis. Do their parents think they’re faking it, or that they just need to sit up straight? Is your character trans, and/or wears baggy clothing? I’ve heard several stories of undiagnosed cases because of this, so it’s something to consider.

Ok, I think this is the last thing (huge huge thank you to anyone still reading this!!). But please, if you’re writing a character with scoliosis, or any chronic issue/disability for that matter, avoid the trope of you’re still beautiful to me/you’re beautiful anyways/I don’t see your disability. Some people might not get what I’m saying here, so let me explain a little. If you have a character with significant scoliosis, to the point it impacts their daily life, and they meet another character (potential friend, love interest, whatever) and this new person grows to love them in spite of their scoliosis/disability, that is a huge red flag. It implies that they are seeing them through a lens of not having the disability, and they love that version of your character. But that is not your character in reality, because your character in reality has a very real disability. In general, just try to avoid the “I don’t see __,” in writing and real life. That could be applied to a disability, or the character’s race, sexuality, etc. In all cases, it dismisses a fundamental part of who that character is, and what experiences have shaped them into who they are. If your character has scoliosis and it has shaped who they are, it is important for other characters to recognize that as well, otherwise they aren’t really seeing that character in their “full glory,” if that makes sense. I’m rambling a bit at this point and I’m sure there’s other posts that make this point better than I have, but the takeaway is just please don’t write scoliosis as “you’re beautiful anyways.” Scoliosis or no scoliosis, it’s just “you’re beautiful.” Full stop. But part of how your character may come to recognize that beauty within themselves, or how others see it within them, may be influenced by their experiences with scoliosis.

Phew, I did not expect that to get so long but it’s a topic I’m passionate about and I haven’t seen information on scoliosis geared towards writers before, so hopefully this will help! Again, a lot of this is based on my own experiences so please do not take any of this as a universal guide to scoliosis, it definitely isn’t. And if I’ve said anything that people disagree with (or even agree with!) or have questions about, I am always open to polite discourse and discussion. :)

I hope that this answered your question some, and if not feel free to let me know! Thank you so much for asking this!

[trashyslashers]

God I didn’t know someone actually wrote for the Hilliker brothers and I’m sCREAMING. I recently got back into the movies and I’m in love with them. How do you think the boyos would act if their s/o was sick, like super sick? I’m currently in the hospital with some respiratory issues and I need me some Hilliker headcanons.

Christ PLEASE forgive me for how long this took to put out. I’ve had some terrible writer’s block and some personal stuff going on that’s made writing hard but this was still super fun to write!

I’m SO sad the Hilliker brothers don’t get much attention in the fandom because they’re so chaotic and they look like they have so much fun when chasing people and I adore them. If you’re still in the hospital, I hope this makes your stay a little better!!

This came out MUCH longer than I intended for it to lmao I apologize

Also anything below this isn’t showing up on mobile for whatever reason? So apologies to those on mobile because it looks like I left this request half completed.

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They are c o n f u s i o n.

They really don’t know much about this sort of stuff. Sure, they’ve all had their own fair share of being sick before, but it was awfully rare and they were still able to carry on as usual - plus, they’d get over it pretty quickly. 

As a result, they’re initially pretty lost when it comes to knowing what to do when you’re not doing well. Three Finger is definitely the first to notice that something’s up with you; he’s much more attentive than either of his brothers so literally any change whatsoever in your behavior is noticed by him almost immediately. He’s the one to clue the others in that something’s up if they don’t catch on themselves.

They all are worried about you and your health, even if you don’t see it at first. You’re considered family now, yes, but you aren’t blood family - you don’t have the same genes as them. You aren’t nearly as resilient or strong as they are, and while they can be pretty naive about some things, they know how bad health can take a toll on someone.

One Eye is constantly fretting over you. He’s definitely the biggest worrywart of the trio - regardless of if you’re sick with just a small cold or if you’re stuck indoors with pneumonia, he won’t leave your side unless one of his brothers makes him. He’ll do… pretty much whatever he thinks will help: you said that you’re cold? You get any old blanket or sweater that he can find that’s laying around - pardon the bloodstains, please. Tired? You can sleep in his bed, he doesn’t care. Hungry? They’ve got plenty of food, and he’ll literally feed you if you’re too tired or weak to do it yourself. 

If you’re the kind of person who just… sucks it up and tries to power through your sickness regardless then they’ll let you do just that for awhile (considering it’s what they’ve always done), but the second you show any sign of pain or weakness, that’s the end of it. You’ve seen these guys in action before, carrying and pulling around the bodies of full grown men with ease, so they are absolutely not above picking you up and pulling you back to the cabin if you refuse to go there yourself and rest. They may not know a whole lot about how to take care of someone, but they certainty are not dumb and know that people need to rest when they’re not well.

Once he gets a good idea of what you need, Saw Tooth is pretty similar to One Eye in the sense that he’ll try to help out however he can - however he’s not nearly as good or as gentle as One Eye is. He can be gentle when he wants to be, sure, but he’s prone to getting angry if something doesn’t work out how it should (or how he wants it to), like you not getting any better. Don’t take it personally if he seems angry when you aren’t miraculously better the next day, he’s just frustrated.

If you’re the kind of person that likes to cuddle when sick, then he’s also the one to go to for that sort of thing. He’s like a bear - violently hostile to most, yet warm to the few people he cares about. If you really aren’t feeling well and he’s not caught up with helping his brothers with hunting, then he’ll scoop you right up into his big arms and let you rest against his chest ‘till your heart’s content. He’s actually really warm! 

You’d be surprised at how accommodating and caring Three Finger can be when it comes to those he cares about, and now that you fall into the (very small) category of people he doesn’t have the desire to harm, you’ll be seeing this first hand. Any sort of “work” you’d do around their cabin (like… if you would take it upon yourself to clean, that sort of thing), he’d absolutely take your place and do it for you while you’re sick. He’s usually happy to let you tag along with him whenever he went out to check traps or set new ones, but whenever you’re ill he’s pretty reluctant to. Of course he’ll still let you, but he’s going to be keeping an eye on you to make sure you don’t end up somehow hurting yourself. 

Seeing as they aren’t COMPLETELY immune to illness, they’ve definitely had some experience with helping each other out during the rare occasion that one of them managed to catch something, so they aren’t entirely clueless. One of the few things that they do know is how important it is to eat enough while you’re ill - and they can be heavy food pushers, especially when you’re sick. While feelings about whether you should or shouldn’t be eating human meat along with them vary, that’s not really as big a concern at the moment as just making sure you’re eating in general is. Saying that you don’t have an appetite isn’t going to work at all - you’ll still end up with a bowl of some sort of soup or stew shoved into your hands. It’ll probably take you actually getting even worse after eating for them to lay off and not be so adamant about it. But hey - they’re trying to help, and food is a pretty big part of their lives.

They’d really, really prefer that you stay there, with them, while you’re sick. They’ll keep you safe and well, so you don’t need other people anymore - but if you do decide to go to the hospital, while they won’t be happy about it, in the end they won’t keep you from going, especially once you explain to them that it’ll help you get better.

[aquarad-a]

I’m back with another long meta post about Garth! This time about Atlanteans in general actually, in terms of their biology. 

Like my last rant, it’s also going to be pretty much entirely canon with a few headcanon things thrown in (and I’ll make the distinction in text) based on all information given before New 52/Rebirth. Some of it might still apply to Rebirth, though there are some things that may be different. I tend to only care about Preboot biology because it has so much more information to draw from.

Probably the biggest aspect that makes Atlanteans unique is their ability to breathe underwater! Luckily, there is a canon explanation, so we don't have to sit around and try to figure it out ourselves. Gills? You won't find them on most Atlanteans. The exceptions might be Tritonians, maybe, because they mutated separately than the more human-looking Atlanteans. But this isn't confirmed. They may still breathe like the rest of Atlanteans. ( For those who might not be familiar with other underwater cities in DC canon, Tritonians look like mermaids. They still don't have visible gills, though, nor do a lot of mermaids in DC. That may be artistic choice. However, Atlanteans are confirmed to not have gills by several different comics and eras) 

 Atlanteans breathe through their pores. Yup. As water passes over their skin, it absorbs oxygen. It goes directly into their bloodstream. It's similar to gills, but they are all over their body and they're microscopic. There's no way to tell if somebody is Atlantean by their skin. 

 This is why any liquid splashed on an Atlantean will help if they're suffocating -- if you read Aquaman comics, you probably already know that even since the Silver Age they claim to only need to be in contact with water to survive. It’s incredibly consistent. Aquaman and Aqualad are seen using milk to rehydrate, or having water simply drip onto their faces ( the face is probably the best place for this, if they are in big trouble, as they need oxygen to get to their brain! ) They do get dehydrated easily, but just drinking water isn't going to help them breathe. If you're not familiar with Aquaman comics but have read TT:YO, you’re probably still familiar with the concept: Garth is having trouble breathing, but drinking water just makes him vomit it back up. It’s only after he sits in a pool of water that he recovers. 

But Atlanteans can and do drink liquids. Garth drinks soda in cans through a straw like a fucking loser, by the way. And Arthur and Garth have been shown to drink beer together, amoung other things. 

(side note: puking up water in TT:YO is more a reference to the fact that Garth canonically gets physically ill when he’s nervous or upset. No Atlantean has been shown to get sick after drinking water in any other comic, unless the water itself is poisoned. But I’ll get to that later!)

(additional side note: Human Anton Geist developed a serum that caused humans to grow gills, which is pretty darn convenient for when San Diego fell into the sea. These mutated humans are not Atlanteans. However, though “Sub Diego” does house many Atlantean refugees. Since I’m speaking about actual Atlantean biology, adapted human biology doesn’t really fit into things here.)

Now, let's talk about suffocating... Atlanteans all possess lungs that are able to filter air like humans can. So, why do Atlanteans need to rehydrate? Because their lungs aren't designed to breathe air long term. Why would they? Atlanteans adapted to living underwater completely. Their lungs are smaller and can only function continuously for a short period of time. Untrained and "under-developed" lungs can last about an hour before they either stop filtering carbon dioxide or stop working altogether. After about an hour, your typical Atlantean still start to go into respiratory failure. 

Exposure to air can extend an Atlantean's durability. Aquaman seems to have no real issue out of water in later comics, and Tempest is able to draw moisture from the air to breathe on land (but still needs to rehydrate at intervals). Similarly, the humidity of an area can affect how long any Atlantean can breathe out of water. After a period of recovery, Atlanteans are able to use their lungs again. Recovery time depends on each individual. 

 You'll notice that some Atlanteans, when injured on land, are put into a water tank. Others (Garth, notably) can just put on pure oxygen. Water tanks should be a preferred method, as long as the water is pure. Tula died because she was in poisoned water and absorbed poison along with oxygen directly into her blood. (Tempest later specifically learns how to draw poison out of somebody’s body through their pores and uses this ability to save Arthur's life later on)

Garth, during Sword of Atlantis, loses his ability to breathe underwater for a period of time (he also lost his memory, his powers, his family, and had some seizures so this was not a good time for him overall) but that was magically induced. 

 (Don't worry, he got better...and then he died.) 

Now let's move on to the magical world of the senses!! Atlantean senses are all connected, and they use different ones depending on if they are or land or sea. 

Eyesight:

 Atlantean eyesight is stronger than humans, and obviously they are much more suited to see underwater than on land. Their eyes refract light at the same angle as the water around them, giving them clear vision underwater. Atlanteans have incredible close range vision, but their ability to see well begins to diminish at about 100 feet. They are particularly adapted to see well in low light (there's no light underwater, don't you know) However, they cannot actually see in pitch black darkness (about 1000 feet below) That's when they rely on their other senses to get around. 

Garth is partially colorblind. He can see reds, oranges, and yellows. Blue, green, and black are nearly indistinguishable. 

 On land, Atlanteans have a film that covers their eyes, though it’s barely noticable. This filters light differently, giving them the ability to see on land as well. In fact, Garth is able to see father and focus more on land than in the water.

Eyesight isn't always important underwater, but it's incredibly important on land. And to understand why, we have to take a detour and talk about...  

Hearing

 Like their eyesight, Atlantean hearing is much more advanced than a human's. Underwater, they can hear somebody speaking in a soft tone from 1000 feet away if they were about 2 fathoms down. Atlanteans have two sets of three semi-circular canals in each ear that help with orientation and balance. They use them to detect direction and speed while swimming. 

On land, Atlanteans are particularly affected by the speed of sound. Sound travels almost 4 times faster underwater. Garth has trouble determining the source of sounds while on land, and has trouble determining which direction sounds are coming from (things sound like they are coming from all directions, all at once) 

This also causes problems in an Atlantean’s ability to process sounds. On land, it’s difficult for their brains to process and identify sounds, even if they have heard them before. On land, Atlanteans rely heavily on their sense of sights to help interpret audio signals. 

This does explain why Garth appears skittish and anxious ...don’t get me wrong, Garth also Has Anxiety and other mental health problems, but that’s a rant for another time. On land Garth tends to act slightly less confident in himself, even as Tempest. Essentially land is a terrifying place for Atlanteans, with every single sound being strange and overwhelming. Atlanteans would be constantly checking their surroundings as they try to figure out the world around them.

Smell

An Atlantean’s sense of smell is particularly strong. An average Atlantean can smell particular odors 1,000 feet away while underwater. On land that distance increases to 2,200 feet. Garth can actually identify people based soley on their scent, even if they’re standing 100 feet away and he has no other sensory cues to who they are.

My personal headcanon is that Garth can also determine if you’ve changed shampoos or even hand soap and as a kid/teen would call people out on it (i.e. saying “your new shampoo makes you smell worse” instead of greeting somebody...he soon learned that saying such things is rude af)

Taste

Again, it’s stronger than humans (have you noticed a theme here?) Atlanteans can sense sweet, sour, salty, and bitter foods. But they also detect fatty and amino acids. They can detect differences in recipies or brands or if food has been tampered with/spoiled.

If you read Rebirth Titans, they do confirm that Garth can detect poison in foods! So maybe the other senses will follow preboot canon too?

(I recall a comic where Arthur states he prefers Hydrox to Oreos so that is really the only proof you need that they have advanced taste buds....also I want to say that was a JL comic but if anybody can find the source I’ll love you forever) 

Temperature Regulation and Other Fun Stuff

So the ocean is, like, cold. Very cold. Luckily Atlanteans have amino acids in their blood stream that is similar to glycoprotien and it keep body fluids, well...fluid. The amino acids essentially keep everything in a liquid form and prevent ice crystals from forming and preventing cell damage. This happens automatically depending on the depth the Atlantean is swimming in. 

Atlanteans usually have a consistent body temperature (and they run warmer than humans do) However, swimming particularly deep will make moving slightly more difficult as the body focuses more on making sure its blood doesn’t freeze than it does maintaining that temperature. 

The ocean isn’t just cold, though. The deeper you go, the more pressure is put on your body. Atlantean body tissue is filled with liquids and dissolved gasses that are compressed in a way similar to sea water. They push out while the sea pushes in. Their bodies also have certain fluids that adjust buoyancy in water. Garth can apparently descend to 3,400 feet with no problem.

Atlanteans have particularly dense bodies, making them heavier than humans and less susceptible to injury. 

Garth, in particular, can swim 97.75 knots per hour (about 85 mph) with bursts of about 30 minutes at a time. He can also lift 8 tons on land. This is stated as canon, but also seems low considering Aquaman has lifted blue whales or ships while out of water which is like.......20,000 tons lmao.

Okay so! A lot of the stats came straight from the Tempest mini-series, and from various other Aquaman comics from around the same time (late 90s-2000s) if any wonderful Aquafans have anything to add or any questions, I’ll be happy to add/answer!!! 

also I probably forgot a lot and will add to this later!!!  I didn’t include “powers” here because not all Atlanteans have telepathy/magic/etc and honestly that stuff deserves its own post!!!

[thekriegerpost]

Annotated Bibliography

1. Schnee, Alex. “Running.” Fulton Library, Utah Valley University, 2018,

 http://ezproxy.uvu.edu/login?url=http://search.ebscohost.com/login.aspx?direct=true&db=ers&A

N=114325118&site=eds-live. 

The reason that I chose this source is because of the history that it gives of the art of running. It gives a good background of what running does to the body. The article then proceeds to give a brief history on running and how the sport of running has evolved, to how we know running today and how we participate in the sport. The article talks about the evolution of humans from the time we could stand on two legs to the competitions of the Greek Olympics. We then read about the anatomy of running and how there are three stages;  the stance, float, and swing phases. The article then talks about good techniques and common injuries from staying relaxed to shin splints. We then hear about the benefits of running. Some benefits include improved respiratory health, bone and muscle strength, cardiovascular strength, increased calorie burn and more. Lastly, it talks about running events and competitions. We see events from many distances whether it be on roads, trails, or on tracks. There are competitions where you have to jump over hurdles as well. Some of the most well known events are the 100 meters, mile, 5K, half marathon, and marathon. This article will be great to include for those readers that don’t know much about running and will be a great overview. I chose this article for the great background it gives and all the important basic information of running it provides for my research paper and for the viewer to look over and read if they want further information on running.   

2. Sarawut Lapmanee, Jantarima Charoenphandhu, Narattaphol Charoenphandhu, “Beneficial 

Effects of Fluoxetine, Reboxetine, Venlafaxine, and Voluntary Running Exercise in Stressed 

Male Rats with Anxiety- and Depression-like Behaviors.” Behavioural Brain Research, Elsevier, 

21 May 2013, https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0166432813002891?via=ihub. 

This article is about how some researchers took stressed male rats and gave them medication and wheel running to see if their depression and anxiety went down or improved. They first exposed the rodents to mild but repetitive stressful circumstances. They noticed that when they exposed the rodents to these stressful situations, they had a greater chance of developing a mental health concern such as an anxiety disorder or depression disorder. They concluded that regular exercise that is voluntary, combined with pharmacological treatment, especially fluoxetine and reboxetine, could lower signs of anxiety and depression in the stressed male rats. I chose this article because it shows many different things that I found interesting. It first shows that when the rats are introduced to continual stress that they are more likely to develop anxiety or/and depression. It then shows that for exercise to be beneficial it must be voluntary and not forced. Lastly, the article shows that medication can be a good thing. I think in today's society we speak of taking medication in hushed tones and no one really wants others to know. This article shows that it can help, and while I understand that these are just rodents that were tested, I think this source will be beneficial for my research paper. I think experiments like these and others can be very helpful and can show us many insights to things that we were unsure of and give us solid concrete evidence and facts. 

3. Morris, Paul, and Helen Scott. “Not Just a Run in the Park: A Qualitative Exploration of 

Parkrun and Mental Health.” Fulton Library, United Kingdom : Taylor & Francis , Sept. 2019, 

http://eds.b.ebscohost.com/eds/detail/detail?vid=5&sid=b1475d8f-0bde-47fc-9163-c878cc5bcd7

7@sessionmgr102&bdata=JnNpdGU9ZWRzLWxpdmU=#AN=2018-40729-001&db=psyh. 

This article talks about how some guys in 2004 put on this event called a Parkrun where anyone could come for free at a certain place and time to run five kilometers. At first they only had 13 runners show up, they now have over 100,000 participants with 445 events all over the United Kingdom and the world. I have always found that it is a lot easier to exercise and run when I am with others and when there is a set time and place. This gives people groups to run with and gives them something to look forward to. In the article they talk about how exercise is very important to people who have mental health issues as they are more likely to have a poor lifestyle such as a bad diet, drinking, smoking, and being overweight. They say that people with lower physical activity have a higher chance of having some form of mental health illness. This also goes to show that people who have mental health difficulties are amongst the most socially excluded people. This also shows that people who are socially excluded have higher mental health issues. The question that they most want answered is what are the experiences of people who have had a history with mental health difficulties when participating in Parkrun? I think this article will be very beneficial while I am writing my research paper. It shows that more than just exercise can help you with your mental health. I also love that this gives readers a chance to find a local Parkrun near them and participate. Someday I would love to participate.  

4. Sabourin, BC, et al. “Running as Interoceptive Exposure for Decreasing Anxiety Sensitivity: 

Replication and Extension.” Fulton Library, Taylor & Francis Country of Publication: England, 

2 Mar. 2015, 

http://eds.b.ebscohost.com/eds/detail/detail?vid=9&sid=b1475d8f-0bde-47fc-9163-c878cc5bcd7

7@sessionmgr102&bdata=JnNpdGU9ZWRzLWxpdmU=#AN=25730341&db=cmedm. 

So this article is a little tricky, but I feel that it has some good stuff in it and it makes sense to why I chose it. In the study, they took 154 women who were afraid of how their body felt when it was aroused, rapid heart rate etc. The purpose was to see how running helped them decrease their anxiety sensitivity. They had them run 10 ten minute running trials over the course of 10 weeks. So, 10 minutes of running once a week. The goal of the trial and test runs was to get the females used to experiencing a rapid heart rate and all the things that occur to their bodies when they are running. This way their anxiety sensitivity towards arousal will go down. What their body experienced while running is somewhat similar to what they experience with arousal. If they get comfortable with how their bodies feel while running, their anxiety sensitivity towards arousal should go down. The studies in the article do show decreased signs of anxiety sensitivity in most of the women. The reason I chose this article is because it shows a different side of how running can be beneficial towards people with any mental health issue. Personally, I didn’t know that this was an issue, and I found it very interesting because I had never heard of it. I think it will be helpful to see all the different sides of how running can be beneficial not just for physical health but for mental and emotional health. I feel as though this article will provide a different view on how running can help people with mental health issues. 

5. Stephenson, Sharon. “Vampire Running.” Fulton Library, Bauer Media Group, June 2017, 

http://eds.b.ebscohost.com.ezproxy.uvu.edu/eds/detail/detail?vid=7&sid=bcfd0943-089b-448f-8

1f8-82e3d74f6616@sessionmgr102&bdata=JnNpdGU9ZWRzLWxpdmU=#AN=123265249&d

b=f6h. 

This article that I chose is about a women who started to experience a deep sadness. She wasn’t experiencing such depression to where she was suicidal or wanted to harm herself but she just felt like a gloomy fog had overcome her. She had no reason to be sad. She had a family, a good job, food, and shelter. The winter sadness just seemed to hit her hard. So she decided one deary night that she was going to go for a night run and pull out the old running shoes. It was extremely cold outside but she was determined to out run the sadness. When she finally finished her run she felt endorphins flood her and felt that so called runner's high. She ran in any weather at night through that winter. At times she couldn’t feel her toes but she loved being out there by herself. She often complained but found comfort in doing it. A friend referred to it as vampire running, running at night when most wouldn’t. She soon began to feel less anxious and more calm. That was her favorite thing about running, how much it affected her mood for good. I chose this article because it yet again shows a different side of running and how it helped this woman. I love how we think of running as just running but there are so many different types and options for when and how to do it. Some prefer running in the morning while others at night and each work the best for every different person. I just love this source because it is a personal story and not just research or facts.  

6. Freeland, Ben. “The Healing Power of Running Very Long Distances.” Medium, Medium, 27 

June 2018,  

https://medium.com/s/story/the-healing-power-of-running-very-long-distances-3ae36e2ca

d3a. 

This article is about a kid who grew up as the non-athletic kid and never did much with sports. He had asthma so that always limited him but he always wanted to become an athlete and become a good runner. He was determined to do that but soon he had some severe asthma attacks in junior high that hospitalized him. Then to shoot down his determination even more he got into a car accident when he was seventeen that left him with a bad ankle fracture and some rehabilitation. Then at the age of 37 he took up running again due to the panic attacks that he started to have. He had had them in junior high and with asthma was used to the feeling of losing your breath but these ones seemed worse. By 2014 he was out of a job and found himself in a deep depression, the worst he had ever felt in his life. Running seemed to be the only thing to part the clouds of depression and all those anxiety attacks. I decided to choose this article because it spoke to me pretty personally. I have experienced anxiety attacks before and to see how much running has helped this man I just want to share his and my experience of how much running has helped us through our dark times. I just like the different views that this article offers and how it is a personal experience. I  love reading personal experiences. They are very refreshing and meaningful.

7. Baca, Jimmy Santiago. “[Today, Running along the River] by Jimmy Santiago Baca.” Poetry 

Foundation, Poetry Foundation, 

https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/53240/from-winter-poems-along-the-rio-grande. 

I chose to include this source because it is unlike any other source that I have in this annotated bibliography. It is a poem! I think there are many ways to interpret poems and each interpretation is slightly different or can be completely different! I just love the variety that it brings and will hopefully bring to my paper. What happens is this man is out on a run and many things are on his mind. It sounds like it is a fall day. He passes the cathedral. He sees many birds out on his run. He scares some off but others stay where they are. He soon thinks about this woman that he is interested in. He keeps reflecting back on the cathedral. He soon hears a voice as clear as day that tells him to stay close to his spirits and do all things spiritually. Stay close to the creator and all his worries will be answered in time. I just love how he begins the run worried and thinking of all different things and ends with such clarity and peace. He ends it with ‘ah it is a good run..’ I don’t know, I just simply love that. Such a little piece of writing but there is so much in the poem. I enjoy these poems that can be abstract and that don’t really have a meaning but at the same time they do. I like thinking through them and rereading them and trying to figure out what it means. I also love that every person has a different meaning of the exact same poem.   

8. Suzuki, Wendy. “‘The Brain-Changing Benefits of Exercise.’” TED, 

https://www.ted.com/talks/wendy_suzuki_the_brain_changing_benefits_of_exercise/transcript. 

The reason that I chose this source was mainly because it was a TED talk, but I love how different this source is as well from the other ones. I think that videos like this can help others really learn better than articles can do at times. Wendy Suzuki is a professor of neuroscience that delves into why exercise is the most powerful and transformative thing you can do for your brain right now. She then talks about the prefrontal cortex of the brain. This is the center of decision-making, focus, attention, and your personality. She talks about the temporal lobe as well. You have two sections to this part, a right and a left. The temporal lobe is responsible for storing your new long term memories for facts and events. Wendy Suzuki had become well known for all her discoveries with memories and she spent lots of time in the lab and dark rooms looking over brain cells and finding new discoveries. It was great for her but she noticed something. When she took herself away from the lab she noticed that she had no social life, had gained 25 pounds, and just was in a really depressed mood. She should have been happy but she just wasn’t. That is when she turned to exercise. She soon lost those 25 pounds and noticed that her mood was always so much better after exercising. She came to three conclusions. First is that exercise has immediate effects on the brain; second is improved attention and mood; and third is it provides protective effects on your brain.

9. Oaklander, Mandy. “Running Can Help You Live Longer. And More Isn't Always Better.” 

Fulton Library, TIME Magazine , 

http://eds.b.ebscohost.com.ezproxy.uvu.edu/eds/detail/detail?vid=5&sid=8e97f0c9-ceef-459b-87

b8-c66315ce74ec@sessionmgr103&bdata=JnNpdGU9ZWRzLWxpdmU=#AN=139553396&db

=asn. 

The reason that I chose this article is because it provides some solid facts and research into running but it shows how you don’t have to be a skilled runner who runs tons of miles every week. Researchers took over 200,000 people from all over the world and tracked their deaths and whether they ran or not. They found that runners were 27 percent less likely to die for any reason and had a 30 percent less chance of getting cardiovascular disease. Regardless of how much each person ran, they found that if a person ran at all they had the same benefits. When you run you grow new capillaries and small arteries which help lower your blood pressure. You also use up your blood sugar while running and this helps fight against cancer because your blood sugar is what cancer cells feed on. 46 percent of Americans don’t meet the physical requirements. I want to show how running can help with mental health issues such as depression and anxiety but I also want to show how it can help you with so much more than just your mental health! I’ve found myself to always feel so much better mentally and physically after I run. There are just so many benefits to running and you honestly don’t have to run that far. I think it is so horrible that almost half the American population doesn’t meet the physical requirements to keep their bodies healthy and up to shape. I understand that some really just can’t but still we need to try a little bit harder. 

10. Reynolds, Gretchen. “3 Hours of Exercise a Week May Lower Your Depression Risk.” The 

New York Times, 20 Nov. 2019, 

https://www.nytimes.com/2019/11/20/well/move/3-hours-of-exercise-a-week-may-lower-your-d

epression-risk.html.  

I’ll be honest, I chose this article because I couldn’t find any other sources and this one fit right in with my topic. Studies have shown that any type of physical activity whether strenuous or intense has shown to offset a person’s genetic propensity for depression. Depression is one of the most common world disorders and affects more than 300 million people worldwide. Some people’s genetics give them a bigger chance of suffering from depression. This just sometimes runs in families. Though people may have these genetic defaults, exercise has shown that it can decrease depression and decrease the intensity or duration of your down times. Exercise doesn’t eliminate the complete risk of developing a mental disorder such as depression but it sure does help. They took 8000 men and women and took DNA samples and had them take a survey on how much they exercise each week. They found that no matter if you have a high or low risk of depression, they found that when the participants exercised they had a significantly lower chance of developing depression than those who didn’t exercise. Concluding the article, they want to enforce that your genes are not your destiny and that you can change, prevent, and live a different life than what your genes may say. I personally love the fact that they focused on humans genes in this because this is something to be thought that we can’t change or are destined to but I love how they flip that and bring light that you can prevent certain gene disorders that you may or may not have.

[verifiablebot]

alright guys listen up

this day and age people ain’t got a lot of money.  i don’t, you don’t - but you have this cat right, and you can feed it and love it, but you dread the day you have to take him to the vet cos he got sick and you don’t have much savings.  i know that feeling.

now i will preface this by saying if you straight up cannot afford to give your animal basic medical care like spaying/neutering, heartworm medication for dogs, and rabies vaccinations, you should really look at rehoming your animal or not adopting a pet in the first place.  intentionally denying an animal basic medical care is cruelty.  i don’t mean like ‘oh i need to wait til i get paid next to take her to the vet’, i mean ‘i do not make enough money to get my cat shots and also feed myself.’  if it’s the latter, maybe skip on fido or fluffy, aight? pets are a luxury; don’t take on the responsibility of another being if you aren’t completely positive you can care for them.

BUT.  this is where it gets better.  so your dog has worms and your cat has a cold and you’re just like ‘man vet visits are just so expensive just for some pills to treat what i know is the problem.’  that’s where i got you.  a LOT of common medications for common minor pet ailments can be bought over the counter, without a prescription from a vet.  if you know within a reasonable doubt what the problem with your animal is, by all means save yourself a few bucks and just order that shit from amazon.  it’s a life saver.

‘but shazza,’ you say, ‘i don’t know what medications to use!’  well good thing you have me.  or google.  but i’m just gonna list what i know here to make it easy.  my credentials, you ask?  first off, i am not a vet.  however, i worked at an animal shelter for 2.5 years, working directly with our shelter vet.  additionally, i fostered kittens for several different shelters for over 5 years, again working closely with a vet.  you learn a lot about common animal diseases and their treatments by dealing with strays on a daily basis.  i own rabbits as livestock, and all you fellow homesteaders and farmers out there know that it’s really just not cost effective to bring a herd of 27 animals to the vet, so you gotta handle some things on your own.

good enough for you?  great.  on to it, then.  with every one of these suggestions, if you pet does not show improvement within a few days, seek veterinary help! 

you can also feel free to message me any time for advice!  but again, i’m not a vet!  i just make it a hobby of studying animal health and medications because of what i do.

Amoxicillin - the most common antibacterial medication in cats and dogs

treats:  respiratory infection (coughing, sneezing, snotty nose), urinary tract infection, secondary skin infections from mange or wounds, pretty much any kind of bacterial infection.

amoxicillin is something pretty much everyone has bought to treat SOMETHING at some point in their pet owning lives.  it’ll treat pretty much any kind of bacterial infection known to man and is relatively safe to use.  it’s commonly sold under the brand name Clavamox when you get it from a vet.  however it’s also a common fish medication and can be purchased on amazon.  this link will get you 30 500mg tablets for about $30.  that’s plenty to save for next time, and all that is like the price of the vet exam itself.  dosage is 5 - 10mg per pound of weight every 24 hours for three days.  generally with cats we cut the pill in half.  you can grind the pill and mix it with water or chicken broth and syringe it into your pet’s mouth if they’re one of the ones that don’t take pills well.

you may also commonly see doxycycline used to treat URI and UTI in dogs and cats, maybe mixed with amoxicillin (they call the concoction ‘moxy’.)  doxycycline is a prescription-only medication and can help the infection clear up faster, but usually amoxicillin alone will do the job.

NOTE:  amoxicillin should NEVER be given to rabbits.  all penicillin like medications are toxic to them and you may end up with a dead bunny.  unfortunately it’s common for non rabbit-savvy vets to prescribe pencillin.  so this is me saving your rabbit’s life.  check out MediRabbit for more information on bunny-safe medications!

WORMERS.  everyone’s favourite subject

eww.  your dog’s pooping worms again.  time for a vet visit.  NOPE.  there are tons of over the counter wormers.  you’ve probably seen a bunch of them and maybe even used them.  guess what - they’re way cheaper on amazon.

now i dont know about you guys, but i’ve had a bitch of a time finding tapeworm medications over the counter, especially for cats.  i live in an area where the fleas are just abysmal despite using really powerful flea medications on my animals, so i deal with tapeworms a lot.  a lot of otc wormers do NOT target tapeworms, so it’s important that if you know you’re dealing with tapeworms (little rice-sized wiggly things on your pet’s butt and where they sleep,) to make sure you’re buying a wormer that contains fenbendazol.

for dogs:  there’s lots of different brands, but panacur is the one your vet will prescribe to you, and wow, it’s on amazon for $14.  amazing.  make sure it’s the right dosage for your pet’s weight.

for cats:  drontal will likely be the brand your vet prescribes, and it’s $30 on amazon for one adult cat’s dose.  Note:  i managed to find 8 tablets previously for only like $16, but the seller ran out.  do a search when you need this because you CAN get it much cheaper, but this is what i could find as of today.

ivermectin:  this medication will treat most other worms that aren’t tapeworms, so hookworms, roundworms, etc.  you can buy about 40ml of it on amazon or at your local farm feed store for about $30 or $40, but it’s not really cost effective to get that much for one or two treatments as it spoils easily.  dogs in the collie families should not be given ivermectin as they are particularly sensitive to it.

note: if you treat your pet for worms and they still have really bad smelling diarrhea and are lethargic, you may be dealing with coccidia or some other amoeba or a bacterial infection that will need vet attention and medications.

itchy itchy mange and mites

dog losing patches of hair and is covered in scabs?  cat is scratching at its ears and shaking its head a lot?  you probably have mites.  mange is a super common ailment in dogs and is caused by two different type of mites - sarcoptic and demodex.  they’re both treated pretty similarly - with shampoo and antibiotics.

shampoos are fairly easy to find over the counter at pet stores and online.  i have never needed to use it myself so i can’t recommend a product, but this one seems pretty good for mange and other skin issues.  i’ve also heard of using food grade diatomaceous earth as a dusting on several species of animal to treat mites and fleas, but i’ve not tried it myself.  and remember, never use a mange shampoo on a cat!

secondly, most mange, especially demodectic mange causes skin lesions and scabs which the dog can open, leading to secondary skin infections.  that’s where giving them a dose of amoxicillin can help the healing process.

FLEAS.

the bane of every dog owner’s existence.  this section is less about cheap methods for flea control, but more a psa on what NOT to do.  unfortunately fleas are a thing you just cannot skimp on.  you can’t.  especially if you have nuclear fleas like i do.

BAD:

flea collars.  outside of the seresto collars, flea collars aren’t worth your time.  at best, they do nothing.  at worse, they cause painful chemical burns on your pet’s neck.  like, there’s a website dedicated to people who have horror stories about using hartz collars and topicals.  it just ain’t worth it.

cheap topicals.  again, i already mentioned that there’s a website dedicated specifically to hartz products giving pets chemical burns.  but pretty much any cheap topical medication will be at best useless and at worse dangerous.  if you buy it at walmart, or at petsmart without needing to be let into the cabinet, it ain’t worth it.  

GOOD: 

pretty much the only otc flea meds worth your time are advantage/advantix and revolution.  unfortunately, they’re also expensive.  but it’s worth your dog not going bald and bloody from scratching - not to mention all the other problems fleas bring, like tapeworms, heartworms, and a ton of diseases.  just be glad you probably won’t need the super mondo expensive prescription only ones like i do

eye stuff

another of the most common things i find with strays is eye problems.  and they always look AWFUL but are almost never as bad as you think they are.  animals get eye issues for a variety of reasons - scratches, bacterial infection, whatever.  at some point you’ll wake up and your dog will have a red swollen eye or some crust.  it’s probably fine.

treatment:  clindamycin.  brand name vetercyin, that link will get you a little bottle of gel for about $17.  it also comes in drops.  this stuff is a lifesaver for livestock owners and people who work with rescues.  just smush a little in the eye twice a day and it should clear up super quickly.

i also recommend doing periodic flushes with saline solution when an animal has an eye problem, especially if the eye is crusty or swollen.  warm teabag compresses are also a popular remedy.  this helps break up crush and lessen swelling, which helps the animal feel much much better.

vaccines

this is probably the single easiest way to save money on your pets:  give them their shots yourself.  i don’t really say this lightly though - it’s not just sticking a needle in your cat and going.  you have to know what you’re doing, but it’s not really that hard to learn.  if you can find someone to teach you, do that.  if not, youtube can really help.  basically though, make sure there’s no air in your syringe, stab with confidence, and NEVER go into the muscle.  if you draw back on the plunger and get blood, try again.  it’s best to pinch the skin and go in at an angle so you have less of a chance of getting in the muscle.  the most popular place is the back of the neck, but i prefer to go in the back leg.  it’s up to you.

you can save a TON on vaccines when you buy them from your local farm feed store.  if you live in the city, get in your car and drive.  it’s worth it, trust me.

please be aware though that the most important vaccine - the rabies vaccine - can ONLY be given by a licensed vet.  so you will have to cough up the money for that visit.  you can think of it as your pet’s yearly physical too though so it feels a bit more worth it.  you absolutely will have the thought of ‘just give me the needle i can do it myself’ as you sit in the waiting room for an hour though.

you can buy cat and dog vaccines at most farm and feed stores, including tractor supply co in the US, which i find has the best prices.  they’re between $5 and $10 per vaccine, and it comes with instructions and a syringe.  i think their syringes are really awful.  I recommend tossing them and buying some monoject ones from drs. foster and smith.  much better quality needles that require less force to go in.

another thing i’ll note is the pipette they give you with the bordatella vaccine for dogs is garbage.  it’s much easier to draw the vaccine up with a needled syringe and then pop the needle part off.  use the syringe sans needle to push the liquid into your dog’s nose, then run before they sneeze it all over you.

it’s worth noting as well that doing your own vaccines means you do not have veterinary records that may be required when boarding dogs or booking them into daycare.  i put the stickers from the vaccines vials on my pets’ rabies certificates just to show that they were given, but some places may only accept a signed receipt from a vet.  if you don’t board your dog or send it to daycare, this won’t be an issue, but if you rely on that for their welfare while you work, maybe have a conversation with your daycare or vet to work it out.

that’s about it guys.  and again i am by no means saying this to be like fuck vets or anything - i love vets.  i wanted to be one when i was a kid. i just totally understand the dread of ‘ugh my dog’s eye got scratched and irritated so now i have to spend $50 on a full fuckin exam just to get some medicine for it.’  i’m not writing this to replace actual veterinary care.  but i am pretty sure if you have a bit of an itchy eye or a cold you don’t immediately go to the doctor.  you go to walgreens and you get some eye drops or some cough syrup and head home.  this is basically just walgreens for your pets, aight?

[bb-loves-boys]

Soon You’ll Come Home Chapter 9

Summary: Blaine and Kurt are married with two kids and at the point of their lives they would never imagine having another child. But then Blaine meets a young girl in the most unlikely way and after he learns about the abuse she suffered he can’t help but want to give her the family that loves and care’s for her like she needs.

Warning: mentioned child abuse

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It was a severe case of pneumonia the doctor explained after running their tests. She was on IV antibiotics, again, and had to go through respiratory therapy. Her hospital stay was only a little easier this time through because one of them was allowed to stay with her past visiting hours.

Blaine quickly offered to be the one to spend her night with her, and based on the look Kurt gave him he knew Kurt understood the guilt he was feeling.

“She shouldn’t be here too long, but anything can happen” The doctor explained handing them a form to fill out.

“and what exactly does that mean?” Kurt asked, already annoyed at how vague he was being.

“Well it’s hard to say she could go home tomorrow or have to stay all week, just depends on how fast she recovers” he answered without glancing up. “You got her here quickly but there was a lot of mucus in her lungs.”

“Well, we have two other children what if they start showing signs of being sick?” Kurt asked crossing his arms.

“I wouldn’t be surprised if they do show signs for a flu of some kind,” The doctor responded reaching over the counter and grabbing a few pamphlets to give to them. “You’ll want to keep her isolated if they do become sick when she’s home.  And before she gets home wash everything in her room, bedding, stuffed toys, clothes. You’ll also need to disinfect the bathroom. Now please excuse me I have other patients to attend to.” He walked away ignoring Kurt’s frown.

Once he was out of sight Kurt let out a groan. “I can’t believe Doctor Taylor isn’t reachable for three days.”

“I’m sure he has a family he wants to see too,” Blaine tried to reason finishing up the form and handing it over to the nurse behind the counter.

“Can we get another pediatrician assigned to her?” Kurt asked the nurse behind the counter.

“Doctor Hannigan is one of the best we have here, sir” She answered softly, shrinking under Kurt’s glare.

“His bedside manner is-” Kurt started before Blaine cut him off, taking a different approach.

“What my husband is trying say is we have a special circumstance that asks for someone with a little more of a softer approach to treating her. If you looked in her file you will see she is dealing with past abuse.” Blaine tried to explain, his voice straining at the end.

She nodded, typing something into the computer, humming a little as she worked.

“I see …” she said slowly, biting her lip. “I will see what I can do for you, and try to get in contact with Doctor Taylor to see who he recommends until he returns.”

“Thank you we appreciate that,” Blaine smiled warmly before guiding Kurt away from the desk.

“Just because you’re scared doesn’t mean you can take it out on the rest of the staff, we need them to like us” Blaine chided.

“I’m not scared,” Kurt snapped back quickly, pulling his arm away from Blaine’s gentle hold, “and don’t scold me like a child.”

“I wouldn’t have to if you didn’t act like one,” Blaine responded before he could stop himself.

He couldn’t read the look Kurt was giving him, something between furious, disgusted, and shocked.

Blaine rubbed his hands over his faced, exhausted and stressed.

“It’s going to be okay,” Kurt comforted taking hold of Blaine’s hands, now worried about how upset Blaine was getting. “I’m sorry for getting mad, hospitals stress me out.”

“It’s because you feel out a loss of control, and have to put trust in other people’s hands,” Blaine mumbled, venom gone from his voice and the fight leaving his body.

Kurt let out a breath, probably deciding to ignore the comment, even if Blaine didn’t mean it as a negative thing.

“You go see Riley, I’m going to call home and get Sophie to bring us an overnight bag,” Kurt suggested.

Blaine nodded heading into Riley’s room, his heart sinking at the sight of her in the hospital bed. It’s something he probably should be used to by now, but she still looks small and sick in the bed. Her fever was down and a little bit of color was returned to her face, but the IV’s were taped to her little hand making her look like she never even left the hospital.

“Sophie’s on her way, she’s bringing stuff for us and some extra’s for Riley,” Kurt said as he entered the room taking his place next to Blaine. “And according to her Cooper thinks he might be feeling a little flu-ish now.”

“Cooper is an over dramatic hypochondriac; he is not sick” Blaine laughed shaking his head.

“And you don’t suddenly come down with something once I or the kids have it?” Kurt teased lightly. “Sorry to break the news to you Blaine but you get just as man sick as Cooper does.”

“I’m mellow compared to Cooper, you just don’t think so because you think you’re superior to being sick and refuse to rest or get treatment,” Blaine teased back.

Riley let out a weak cough, she turned and looked miserably at him. Kurt instantly cooed at her feeling bad for how miserable she felt.

“No one likes being sick,” Blaine explains to her, “but the doctors here are going to get you better so you can go to back …” He trailed off not knowing if he should reference their home as her home. Maybe she didn’t feel at home with them.

“Sophie is going to bring you your pillow and blanket to help you feel more comfortable and rest more,” Kurt says jumping in as Blaine trails off. “And this time Blaine and I get to stay the whole time with you. We won’t leave your side unless you want us to go.”

She smiles weakly, her eyes blinking tiredly. She hasn’t been awake long, barely a minute, but Blaine knows that medicine can tend to make her tired so he isn’t surprised. It was probably her cough that woke her up in the first place.  

Blaine hums quietly to her, telling her to go back to sleep and reminding her they will be here when she wakes up.

He waits till he knows she is fully asleep before bringing up the issue with Kurt.

“What if she doesn’t want to come home with us? What if she doesn’t like it there?” Blaine asks quietly afraid of the answer.

“I don’t think that’s the problem,” Kurt answers honestly. “She wants to be there, she wants us, but she’s afraid to want something. She doesn’t know what a home is or parents are.”

Blaine looks at Kurt surprised.

“Don’t be too impressed, I’ve been looking for support groups for us and found some online articles and stories,” Kurt confesses.

They settle more into their seats, attempting to get comfortable. Kurt gravitates towards Blaine seeking his warmth and Blaine cannot be more grateful because despite him knowing Kurt likes his space, he needs that reassuring physical comfort of Kurt being there.

“Remember when we were here all the time for Oliver?” Blaine thinks out loud.

Kurt hums in response.

“You think our experience and familiarity would make it easier,” Blaine continues.

“We knew Oliver would be okay, it wasn’t life threatening, just painful and annoying,” Kurt answers, pausing before adding “Not including when he was born too early,” as an afterthought.

“He was so little,” Blaine remembers. “When he was sick again all I thought about was that tiny premature infant who couldn’t remember to breathe on his own.”  

“Each of them are so dramatic in their own way,” Kurt laughs lightly.  

“How else would we know they were ours,” Blaine chuckles but quickly frowns as Riley let’s out another cough, this one sounding worse than the last. She whines a little at the end letting them know she is still awake.

“I’ll go see if they can give her something to help with her cough,” Kurt say looking determined to get whatever she needs.

“Just please don’t” Blaine begins but the warning look Kurt sends him forces his words to cut off.  

Riley coughs again and gives him a pleading look.

“Oh, angel,” Blaine coos in an attempt to soothe her. He carefully climbs into the bed with her, allowing her to cuddle close to him and make herself more comfortable. Her fever has gone down from its extremely high temperature, but she does still feel clammy. He starts to hum to her softly and gently rock her. Between Oliver being a colicky baby and being sick all the time, and Sophie having digestion issues since she was born, he and Kurt are both used to sick, whiny, children.  It doesn’t make it any easier to them sick and in pain, though.

A minute later Kurt walks in with Sophie and a nurse, who rushes to Riley’s side.

The nurse is a younger woman, with long auburn hair. The age she looks makes Blaine feel old. She looks like she is two days out of high school. He knows she isn’t, but she looks it.

“We’re going to get her ready for some breathing treatments, a mask is going to have to put over her nose and mouth,” she informs without any kind of an introduction.

Riley begins to whine and squirm in Blaine’s arms at her presence. Blaine can feel her heart begin to race. She eventually gets so out of control that Blaine has to move to her side, trying to block the view of the nurse, who seems clueless about how to handle to situation.

“You need to leave,” Kurt instructs doing his best to keep his own emotion and frustration out of his voice.

As Riley’s crying becomes more uncontrollable so does her cough and before Blaine can react Kurt is shoving a bin in front of her as she starts to vomit.

Blaine begins to rub circles on her back as Kurt holds her hair away from her face. Blaine knows he should be doing more to get her to relax and calm down, but it sounds so painful. He and Kurt are both used to vomit after Sophie who always had an extremely weak stomach and threw up even if she was excited or at the sight of something she found gross.

It doesn’t take her long to stop and fall back into her pillows, with Blaine’s guidance. She hadn’t eaten all day so it isn’t a lot, but it still takes any energy she had left.

Kurt immediately takes away the bin handing it over to the nurse, giving her an icy look.

“I’m sorry you had to see that Soph” Kurt apologized

“I’m studying to be a nurse so it’s nothing I won’t have to be used to,” she waved off before continuing. “Anyway, I brought the stuff you asked for.”

“Thank you, Sophie,” Kurt said pulling her in for hug and kissing the top of her head, causing Sophie to roll her eyes but smiles fondly and hugs him back.  

“It’s okay,” Blaine comforts as he wipes her face with a tissue to try to clean her off.

Riley whimpers slightly as Blaine finishes and tries to get her to rise her mouth out, tears forming in her eyes.

“You’re alright,” he soothes again this time dabbing away a loose tear with another tissue.

A young male knocked hesitantly on the door, alerting them of his presence. “Mr. Hummel, Mr. Anderson, I am so sorry for the care you have been given. My fellow intern just informed me what happened and I-“

“Hummel-Anderson,” Kurt corrected cutting off his nervous rambling.

“Oh – I – um” he began to stutter his cheeks reddening.

“It happens all the time,” Blaine quickly reassured giving Kurt a warning look, they both are aware how many interns Kurt has scared off within their time spent in the hospital. “Maybe you can get us someone to help Riley?” He asked politely.

“Oh yes, that’s why I came in,” he answered jumping into action. “I’m Declan, I worked with Riley once before when she first got here.”

He’s young like the woman in the room before him, with much more a baby face than she had. He had his white sleeves push up past his elbow, making Blain assume he had a long sleeve thermal shirt under his baby blue scrubs to keep him warm. His blond hair was styled in a way that reminded him of Jesse Spencer with longer hair.

He worked quickly around Blaine, checking her over before even preparing the mask for the breathing treatment.

“It’s a real honor to be in the room with both of you.” He said quietly, too embarrassed to look at him or Kurt. “Your stories helped me-“

“That will be enough Intern,” an older nurse interrupted taking the file he was filling out from his hands. “You should not be bothering them with your idolization no matter how flattering and justified it is,” she continued to scold before turning her attention to Kurt and Blaine. “I apologize for the behavior of my staff.”

“No, need. It really is flattering to here and he seemed to calm Riley down enough for him give her the treatment she needs,” Kurt answered attempting to give the young intern a reassuring smile.

Riley had whined at little at the mask, but allowed him to place it over her mouth and nose. Even with how tired her eyes look Blaine noticed she looked at him with the same fascination she looked at Oliver with. He allowed himself to look for similarities between them, finding the only two things in common were their baby faces and a couple of light freckles that dusted their face. Blaine can only assume there was a boy with similar features that took care of her and helped her, he forced him not to think further of what happened to him for helping her.

“Is it possible to request,” Blaine started motioning towards him, silently asking him for his name again.

“Declan,” he answered once he caught on.

“Declan, thank you” he continued “to partially oversee Riley while she is here?”

The older nurse sighed, before turning a serious eye to Declan. “I don’t mind as long as you remember to mind yourself while you are working. It is one thing to get star-struck on your own time, but it will not be done during work hours.”

“Yes of course, I’m sorry for being so unprofessional, it won’t happen again,” he rushed out trying to keep the enthusiasm out of his voice. “And thank you Mr. and uh Mr. Hummel-Anderson for this opportunity.”

“Kurt and Blaine will be fine,” Blaine reassured looking at Kurt for additional acceptance of the informality, who nodded in approval. “And this is our daughter Sophie, she just started school to be a nurse on the opposite coast to get away from us,” Blaine introduced.

“Dad” she hissed embarrassed before turning to Declan and sticking her hand out “It’s nice to meet you.”

“Now that every knows each other, it is past visiting hours so only one of you are allowed to stay in this room,” the older nurse instructs.

“Blaine you go with Sophie, I’ll stay tonight” Kurt insists handing Blaine his coat.

“Kurt I-” he begins to argue before he is cut off.

“Make sure your brother doesn’t sleep in our bed and I expect breakfast from the bistro down the street from us when you come tomorrow,” Kurt continues to instruct leaving Blaine no room to argue.

So, he smiles, thanks both the head nurse and Declan as he puts on his coat, scarf and gloves, gives Riley a bright smile, and kisses Kurt goodnight, never goodbye, before he leaves with Sophie.

Chapter 10

[braxarchives]

Safety Blanket ― CANON. (current verse)

Max’s emotions and insecurities finally reach a boiling point. They come erupting out in surprising ways, and in the process Brady has to learn to confront his own feelings. NSFW.

Things were… weird. Of course they were. Brady hadn’t expected anything less after he and Max had had their whole thing a couple weeks ago. It wasn’t like they could pretend all of it never happened, but they also didn’t seem anywhere closer to talking about it. They had to put all of it aside, though. Max still needed a cameraman, after all. So Brady would pick up his camera as usual, but there was a lot less of their usual lighthearted bickering. In fact, Brady wasn’t sure they’d done that at all in a while, at least not naturally. He’d definitely been trying to fake it for the camera so that no one would notice much of a difference. In any case, when the camera wasn’t recording, things were just plain weird. And ridiculously tense. Brady hadn’t realized how accustomed he had gotten to just touching Max and ending up in one of their beds until that wasn’t a thing anymore. He would think about it, then remember all that had gone down, the fact that they weren’t doing that anymore on top of the anxiety he felt about having let things go too far, and he had to force himself to forget it. Rinse and repeat every fucking time he and Max crossed paths over the last two weeks. Which was a lot, considering they lived together.

The tension was annoying, mostly, but it wasn’t like they were straight up ignoring each other, or even being particularly aggressive. It was almost like they were just roommates who barely tolerated each other, rather than best friends. Brady kind of hated the whole dynamic in the apartment, but he knew it was up to them to fix it. Or him, more accurately. When he was ready to talk. That day wasn’t today, even when he walked into the kitchen and found Max there and felt immediately on edge. Brady nodded at him to acknowledge that he was there, then made a beeline for the fridge. He was set on getting his leftovers from a couple of nights ago and then going to put on a movie. Except…he didn’t see said leftovers when he opened the fridge. His name had clearly been on the container. “Dude,” Brady said, looking over his shoulder at Max. “Did you eat my fuckin’ wings? There were like six left. The fuck, bro?”

After their fight a couple weeks back, Max had admittedly been keeping his distance. It wasn’t like he was intentionally trying to avoid Brady… it was just easier for them both this way. At least until Max got over himself and moved on from… whatever it was he was feeling. Their usual banter on and off camera had been painfully forced, and maybe it was his fault for not being 100% up for it lately, but it still sucked. He wanted so badly just to go back to normal, but every time he looked at Brady now, his stomach would still flip. Only, now it was accompanied by a hot rush of embarrassment, and he was brought back to reality again. Max pushed for too much from him, and it made things weird with his best friend. And while that was the last thing he wanted, he honest to God couldn’t help his brain from shutting down a little whenever they would interact. Because the truth was, he still felt a little wounded from the whole ordeal.

He barely looked up as Brady walked into the kitchen, nodding in return. His laptop was in front of him on the table as he sat perched with one of his elbows resting on the surface. But he didn’t turn back to him; didn’t smile or make a joke. He just minded his own business. Which truthfully is what he probably should have been doing from the start. Max wasn’t expecting Brady to say anything to him, really. So when he did, he lifted his head to see what was up. “Nah dude. Didn’t eat your crap.” Max rolled his eyes and glanced back at his laptop, busying himself at the screen. “I threw them out. They were getting little fuzzy spots on them. Sorry.” Max shrugged, and normally when he tried to tease it would be obvious, but his tone wasn’t quite up to par. “Didn’t know you wanted that for seasoning.”

Brady almost wanted to say that he didn’t believe him when he claimed not to have eaten them, but Max seemed pretty serious about having thrown them out. And honestly, that was worse. He could have at least let him know first. “God dammit.” Brady shut the fridge door and rolled his eyes right back. This was one of the bigger disappointments of his life recently. “Gimme a freakin’ head’s up next time. Or just worry about your own shit.” Was he being a little over the top about leftover wings? Yes. Was he going to stop being dramatic about it? Absolutely not. Truthfully, something in Max’s tone was off today. Brady couldn’t quite put his finger on it. He was torn between thinking it wasn’t his business, and thinking it totally was because Max was still supposed to be his best friend. The biggest issue from the very beginning had been making sure that didn’t get ruined. So dammit, Brady was going to see to it that their friendship remained intact, even in its current slightly fucked up state. “What’s up with you today?” he asked as he directed his attention toward one of the cabinets instead, reaching for a box of mac and cheese. He would just have to settle for now. “Maybe I’m just goin’ crazy but you don’t seem all that happy to see me.”

“You got it. Next time I’ll just let you eat moldy wings.” He should have maybe told him, like he usually did, but this time it hadn’t really crossed his mind. Which was a little weird and he knew it, because usually he told Brady everything and didn’t think twice about it. Max sighed and sat up a little straighter in his chair; he wasn’t trying to be off with him. He was just a little off in general today. “Just a little stressed out, but I’ll be fine, man. Just a bad day. It’ll be all good tomorrow.” He turned his head to look at him pointedly. “Jeez didn’t know I had to entertain you every time you walk into a room. What d’you want? A welcome party?”

Brady rolled his eyes again, and it was weird that it wasn’t particularly comforting or reassuring like it was typically. Usually it meant things were as normal as ever between them. But now there was genuine annoyance behind it. And that sucked pretty hard. Max said it was a bad day and while Brady stayed focused on finding a pot to fill with water to cook his pasta, it still registered with him. He wondered what was going on, but wasn’t sure if Max was going to want to tell him. And a likely selfish, admittedly still anxious part of Brady wondered if he had anything to do with it. So he didn’t ask because he didn’t want to have that conversation. “Yeah, here’s hopin’.” He put he pot on the stove and turned it on, shrugging with his back still to Max. “From you? Depends what kinda welcome party you’re talkin’ about.” He knew he shouldn’t be joking about shit like that. But it was his default when he didn’t want to get real with Max. He supposed he couldn’t help himself.

The conversation was short; clipped. Max wasn’t helping matters, he supposed, by not elaborating more. He just really wasn’t sure how to talk to him again yet, since they’d been so weird around each other. And it was mostly his own fault, but it just sucked because Max missed his friend. He smiled slightly, and it didn’t feel genuine, but he was trying. “Just YouTube drama. The puppy hasn’t been lettin’ me sleep. And Ratthew’s sick again. Just small things.” And things he didn’t want to get into right now. He was about to say something more, something that bordered on normal for them. But then Brady had to go and say that. And he tensed a little bit, the reply flying off his tongue before he could censor himself. “How about the kind where I leave the room and you can have your own damn party?” He looked at him over his shoulder, and this is where he tried to sound like he was joking. “I’ll put on some music for you an’ your hand to enjoy together.”

“YouTube drama,” Brady repeated, nodding firmly. He wasn’t sure what exactly that meant but he knew enough from doing this with Max for so many years that it was probably something stupid. YouTubers weren’t always very understanding people. “Puppy hasn’t been letting me sleep either.” And it was a joint decision, yeah yeah, whatever. Brady would get over it. “Do rats go to the vet?” he asked. He couldn’t remember what had happened last time he’d been sick, but he knew it probably made Max feel as shitty as Brady felt when it was Draco, so he was gonna try to be mindful of that. Max’s reply had Brady turning away from the stove with his eyebrows raised, surprised at his response. It didn’t feel like the usual playful kind and sort of threw him off. “Damn.” Brady shook his head, leaving the water to heat up on the stove and moving closer to the table where Max sat. He remained by to the counter, though, leaning back against it and crossing his arms over his chest as he faced him. “Tell me how you really feel.” He didn’t want to push his buttons, but it was easy for him to feel all bitter and resentful that things were so weird between them. It felt like they were both kind of trying but it wasn’t exactly working. And Brady just had that fleeting moment of wondering again why Max had to go and say anything. Which wasn’t fair, he knew. But he couldn’t help thinking it. “You don’t gotta be like that, bro. We have fun here.”

He’s glad he didn’t have to over explain himself about the YouTube thing. Few people would understand just from that, but Brady had been with him long enough to know the ins and outs. “Yeah, I’m taking him to the doctor tomorrow. Might bring Emmie along. It’s just a respiratory thing but she knows more about that stuff than I do.” Plus, moral support. She always did have the same love of rats as he did, if not moreso. As the conversation shifted from weird to weirder, Max realized that he’d maybe slipped up too much. But that comment got to him more than it should have; reminded him of things they were both currently trying to forget. So he was just a little bit defensive. But he wasn’t trying to be a complete asshole. He just felt… off. Uncomfortable, like he didn’t know how to act around him right now. So he was saying the first things to come to mind, blurting them out as they came. But part of him knew Brady could handle it. “‘We?’” He echoed with a raise of his eyebrows and leaned back in his chair, so aggressively that it tilted back a little, but his hands holding onto the table stopped him from going too far. His eyes deliberately looked at the empty space behind Brady, and he made a show of looking around. “Didn’t know someone else was here. Guess I’ll leave you to it, then.” He sighed and closed his laptop and standing up, kind of joking but also fully planning on going to his room. He looked at him as he stretched. “Enjoy your Mac n Cheese bro. Don’t worry. I won’t be throwing anymore leftovers away.”

“Lemme know how it goes, I guess.” Brady watched Max’s reaction, quirking an eyebrow in a mix of confusion and amusement. He wasn’t sure what sort of game Max was playing, or if he was even playing one at all. Brady had never really seen him like this before, honestly. Even when Max had had bad days throughout their time of knowing each other, Brady had never seen him be so… sassy. It was super obnoxious. For a moment he considered the fact that that was how he sounded, like, all the time. But Brady being some level of aloof was fairly expected of him at this point. The fact that he was getting it from Max just because he couldn’t give him what he needed right now was frustrating. They weren’t like this. They didn’t get on each other’s nerves just by being in the same room. But that was exactly what had been going on lately and Brady hated that things had to be all weird. Max standing up to walk away from him just like that was genuinely irritating. Brady rolled his eyes and dropped his arms to his side as Max started to stretch. “Okay,” Brady said simply, pushing himself off the counter. He had learned over the past few months how to shut Max up, and right now he wanted to do that more than ever. Old habits were hard to break, as it turned out, because Brady knew it was a bad idea, just like he had known it the very first time, when he came face to face with Max and grabbed him by the wrist, pulling him in so he could press his lips against his, hard. He had no idea how this was going to go. And maybe he’d regret it in just a few short seconds. But dammit, he was getting tired of this weird tension, and he was just agitated enough to say fuck it and do something about it.

Max just wanted to go to his room to get away from this weird tension. It was so strange to live with someone who you just had a sort-of-fight with. Max didn’t have a chance to fully process it, because everywhere he turned Brady was there. Not only did they live together, they worked together. Max was realizing now how messy he’d made things by saying what he did to Brady. But on the same hand, now he could get those thoughts out of his head once and for all and move on. Max would get over himself, eventually. He knew nothing would make him want to stop being Brady’s friend. Right now, though? He wanted to get the hell out of there.

But he didn’t even have a chance to grab his laptop before Brady was tugging him in by his wrist and kissing him like that. Immediately, Max’s thoughts went blank, just like they always freakin’ did when Brady and him were like this. Instinctively, Max began to kiss him back, lips moving against his before he could realize what he was doing. But after a few moments, Max shook his head. His hands found Brady’s chest, and he pushed him back enough for the kiss to break. “Fuck you.” He said quietly, not understanding what Brady was playing at here. But they were so close, faces just a breath apart. He just stared at him for a moment, a whirlwind of different emotions coursing through him. Mostly, Max was beyond frustrated, because he wanted to keep kissing him. That urge alone woke something up in him. His frustration boiled up, and suddenly he wasn’t in charge of his own actions.

A chant of ‘I shouldn’t be doing this’ ran through his mind as his hands twisted in Brady’s shirt, tugging him back to him despite the way he’d just pushed him away, eyes burning into his as he did. “What exactly do you want from me here Brady?” His voice was low; unrecognizable to his own ears. Max’s gaze dropped to Brady’s lips, but he didn’t kiss him like he wanted to. Like he would have before everything went to hell. Instead, he dropped his lips down to the side of his neck, not nearly as careful as he would have been normally. His teeth grazed his skin, sucking the spot briefly. But then he let go, breath fanning over Brady’s neck while he spoke. “Don’t wanna be playin’ games with you.”

Brady knew he had gone a little over the top here, but Max shoving him away and talking to him like that was entirely unexpected. Brady swayed where he stood a little but didn’t look away from Max’s face. Something had to give here, and since Brady had been the one to go for it in the first place, he wasn’t sure it was his call to say what happened next. He didn’t need to do anything, though, because before he could Max pulled him forward by his shirt. Brady held his gaze and fuck, Max was kinda pissed at him. Maybe it shouldn’t have been that hot, but…it was. “You know what I want.” Brady tilted his head back instinctively when he felt Max’s lips and teeth on his neck. He raised his hands to Max’s waist, pulling his body closer like he’d done a hundred times before. Jesus, this was probably the worst idea in the world. But Brady and Max were no strangers to giving in to how badly they wanted each other despite the consequences. “Shut the fuck up,” Brady told him quietly, his jaw tense. He wasn’t playing games and he showed it by dragging Max closer, pressing into him and sliding a hand up under the back of Max’s shirt. “You know you missed this.” He angled his head so he could pull Max’s earlobe between his teeth, and stayed close after he let go. “Still think about me fucking you every time you look at me?” Okay, so he kind of wanted to push him a little bit now. He was on a tightrope and he knew it, and Max could push him off at any moment. But Brady was holding out hope that Max was equally as blinded by desire to forget about the aftermath.

Max didn’t know what he was doing. Which, encapsulated most of his life, but particularly about Brady. His head was screaming at him to stop what he was doing and just walk away, but the rest of him was telling him otherwise. Because despite the weirdness, Max still wanted him, and he had a hard time controlling that apparently. “Do I?” He murmured, lips bumping against Brady’s neck. Max let his tongue brush over the spot he’d just given attention to, pressing himself even closer as Brady brought him in. The shut the fuck up only spurred him on; the tone of Brady’s voice encouraging him even if it should be sending him running. But the hand sliding up the back of his shirt was telling him to stay, and whatever resolve Max still had was broken. The fact of the matter was that Max did miss this. Way more than he’d care to admit to even himself. A small sound rumbled in the back of his throat as Brady’s teeth tugged at his ear, and he used his own hands to slide down Brady’s torso, ending up at the hem of his shirt. His lips dragged down Brady’s neck, only stopping when he lifted his head to look at him. ”What makes you think I still think about you?” He evaded the question almost too easily. His voice felt gravelly and Max didn’t feel like himself; he felt mean and defensive but fuck if he didn’t still want this. And that much was probably painfully apparent to Brady despite his words. His lips suddenly felt dry, and he licked them as he tugged Brady’s shirt roughly up and over his head. “Think it’s you who’s been thinking about me.” He breathed as his hands dropped to Brady’s belt, desperate to get his clothes out of the way and touch more of him. He leaned in close to his ear, brushing his nose against it as he spoke quietly to him. “Since I’m the best you’ve ever had.” If Brady was gonna throw things he said in his face, hell, right now he was petty enough to do the same.

“The fact you’re still here,” Brady replied, his eyes slipping shut at the mere sound of Max’s voice. He couldn’t believe the side of him that he was seeing. Brady knew it was only because shit was so bad between them, so he should have probably been upset about it, but the frustration between the two of them was fuel to the fire. Brady just wanted more. Brady let his shirt be pulled off and then looked right at Max, watching his hands immediately fall to his pants. “Never said I wasn’t.” Brady still stared at him, borderline challenging, waiting to see what Max would do without Brady directing him one way or another. For perhaps the first time since this whole thing between them started, he was willing to relinquish control if it meant seeing Max like this. The mere thought of it sent a chill down his spine. It didn’t, however, stop him from pressing his fingers against Max’s skin, maybe with a bit too much force, but Max didn’t usually seem to mind, and he figured especially not now. “You are,” Brady said with a smirk, intent on not giving Max the satisfaction of getting under his skin like that. So if he admitted it all himself, Max wouldn’t have the chance. “I’ve been fucking dying to touch you again.” Brady slid his hand up to Max’s hair, pulling it back to bring Max’s lips away from his ear so he could look him in the eye. “Since I’m your best ever too.” Brady brought their lips together again, his hand still tightly holding a fistful of Max’s hair to keep him right where he wanted him. “But if you want me to stop…” he said quietly between kisses, his free hand hooking a finger into Max’s belt loop in a desperate attempt to bring their hips even closer, but without accidentally forcing Max’s hands away from his belt. “I’ll stop.”

This whole situation didn’t seem real. It was hazy and weird and happening so quickly. Max wasn’t thinking, at all - and he should really know better by now. But he truly and honestly couldn’t bring himself to care. He was just so - frustrated. Angry at their weirdness, hurt by the situation. Annoyed by Brady’s fucking smugness. That last bit was usually a huge turn on, but right now it just got under his damn skin. Which, coincidentally, was also fuckin’ turning him on. The fingers biting into his skin were familiar; the grip stinging just the right amount. And right now he hated that he’d missed the feeling of Brady’s hands on him so much. “Aw. Sounds really hard for you.” He replied as his hair was pulled back, causing a pleasurable chill to roll down his spine, and he couldn’t help the way he bit his lip and automatically brought his body closer.  The way Brady would grab onto his hair always drove him crazy, and the press of his lips to his was always addicting to him. Too bad Max didn’t really wanna make out and stare into his eyes right now. Before he would have been all for it, but now it just kind of made his chest hurt and his defenses fly up. Max’s hands still worked to remove Brady’s belt, not pulling away from the kisses because he didn’t want to be a complete jerk. But he made a point to deepen them; to kiss him harder before they were breaking away. At his urging, Max’s hips pressed firm against Brady’s, giving away the fact that he was already half-hard. He rolled against him the best he could without stopping himself from his task, before finally freeing the belt and tossing it to the ground where Brady’s shirt already laid.  “Brady?” He mumbled, eyes darting back up to his briefly so he could see how serious he was. Max grabbed onto his waist firmly, thumbs grazing his sides, before backing him up and turning to press him against the counter. He dipped his head in toward him, mouth so close to his. “Shut the fuck up.”

He knew that was usually his move, but right now, Max literally couldn’t care less. He was so desperate for something; to touch him even if this was a bad idea. But there was no way he was going to let himself get all wrapped up again and make things even weirder between the two of them, so today he was going to do things his way. With that, he pressed one hand to his friends stomach with one hand, keeping him pressed against the counter, while he gave his pants a rough tug with the other. Max let him go to drag them down over and off his legs, lowering himself to drop down onto his knees in front of him in the process. He ripped his own shirt off of his head, throwing it into their haphazard pile. Not wasting any time, he gripped Brady’s hip in one hand, and looked up at him pointedly as he leaned in to mouth a kiss over the front of his boxers. He had half a mind to just go for it, but he got a better idea, and stopped abruptly. His own smugness was shining through this time, because he knew Brady wanted him like this. That much was obvious. “Do you want to stop? ‘Cause I’ll leave right now.” He meant it, too. “Not sure if you want it enough.”

Brady rolled his eyes when Max told him to shut up. But he couldn’t pretend it wasn’t still turning him on a ridiculous amount — Max talking to him like this. He let himself be backed against the counter, his hands instinctively flying back to brace against it and hold himself up. Max all but yanked down Brady’s pants and his own shirt and it made Brady a little dizzy. It had only been two weeks, but that was two weeks too fucking long since he’d seen Max on his knees in front of him like this, and the fact that he was giving him such a hard time just added to the anticipation. The feeling of his mouth caused Brady to drop his head back, groaning almost embarrassingly loud. He supposed he hadn’t realized just how much he had missed this until he was reminded of what it actually felt like all over again. “Now you need to shut up again,” Brady muttered, bringing his head back down to look at Max. “I’m not gonna fucking beg you, Cameron.” Brady needed it, though. He really fucking did. He had gone too long without feeling every inch of Max, but he wasn’t desperate enough quite yet to stoop that low. Still, he reached down to pull down his own boxers. “You just said you don’t wanna play games,” Brady pointed out, pushing the fabric down to his ankles and leaning back to place his hands against the counter again. “So cut the shit.“ He watched his face carefully. He knew Max was genuinely pissed and probably wasn’t kidding about stopping, but Brady was willing to take the risk. “Come on, Max.” One of his hands threaded through Max’s hair, not pushing him, but he gripped it just tight enough to urge him on. Brady swallowed, his throat dry, and got the closest he might ever get to begging as he said, “You know how much I fuckin’ want it. C’mon.”

Max felt a smug sense of satisfaction at the groan that escaped Brady. Hearing him react to what he was doing was always one of his favorite things. It just reminded him that he was the one making Brady feel this way. And despite how pissed he was right now, he couldn’t help but still feel proud about that. However, seeing Brady pull his boxers down quickly distracted him. The way Brady told him to shut up and grasped tightly onto his hair went straight to his dick; and his automatic instinct was to just give him what he wanted. Because fuck, Max wanted him too. And having his hands in his hair and hearing him being so demanding was always really fucking hot, but right now it just further annoyed him. If Brady wanted this to just be sex, he was gonna give him that. Max rose a hand up to grasp onto Brady’s wrist, tugging it up and out of his hair, pulling his arm to pin it against the counter behind Brady.  “No, I don’t wanna play your games.” He said, and his voice was sharper than he meant for it to be. “I like mine just fine.” With that, Max wrapped the hand that wasn’t pinning Brady’s arm to the counter around his cock. His gaze was defiant, but truthfully he wasn’t strong enough to really and truly deny him. Brady’s dick was literally right in front of his face and he was painfully hard by this point. His grip around him was firm as he stroked him, before letting his hand grip the base of Brady’s cock. Almost too slowly, he was leaning in wrap his lips around him, tongue sliding easily along the length as he inched him into his mouth. He shifted on his knees, a small moan vibrating over Brady’s dick as he finally let himself do what they obviously both wanted. They’d been weird and Max knew on some level he shouldn’t be doing this, but he’d missed being able to touch him like this.

His hand stroked where his mouth wasn’t currently reaching, the hand on Brady’s wrist tightening as he set his own pace. He only flickered his gaze up at him when he began to slide him deeper into his mouth; inching him into his throat and humming deliberately just to see his face when he did. His hand fell away from his dick to grasp tightly into his hip, steadying him so he could do exactly what he wanted. And only once he was satisfied that Brady was really and truly into it, Max pulled his mouth away. “Say please.” He managed to say, breathing a little labored and throat raspy. He licked his lips and leaned back a little bit, and he couldn’t help but smirk, so different from his usual grin. Because he knew that he had the power here, and honestly he was fucking smug about it. He wanted Brady to be the one who wanted him so bad he couldn’t think. “Do it an’ I’ll let you fuck my mouth. Let you hold onto my hair and everything.” The words tumbled out, brain clouded by lust. “You want more? You’re gonna have to do better than just tellin’ me.” For once, Brady was going to have to ask him outright. And Max wasn’t settling.

Brady’s instinct was to try to pull his hand away from Max’s hold. He wasn’t exactly used to Max holding him down like this. But Max was probably stronger than he was, or deep down Brady didn’t particularly want to pull his hand away after all, because Max’s hold around his wrist remained tight. Brady had to remind himself to trust him. And he did. Even if right now was the worst time to put all of his faith in Max to give him what he wanted, given the circumstances. He stayed quiet, though, and eventually Max gave in. Brady moaned instantly, his eyes fluttering closed until Brady forced them back open. He had wanted this so badly again and dammit, he was going to watch. Max looked right back at him and hummed. Brady’s hips threatened to jerk forward, but he didn’t get much further than thinking about it before Max’s other hand raised to hold him in place. Brady let himself get lost in it; all of it, the way Max felt and the sounds he made and all the things Brady had been desperate for since they’d stopped. He really did trust him, moreso than anyone else, and even when things were so fucking weird and tense between them Brady allowed himself to remember that as his eyes closed again, unable to fight it this time. If anyone else were trying to hold Brady down like this, he’d be trying much harder to break free.

And if anyone else tried to pull the shit Max was pulling right now, sliding his mouth off of Brady’s cock as he leaned back in one swift moment, he might have lost his patience. He looked down at him, mouth hanging open comically in disbelief. “Seriously?” Brady asked breathlessly. He had never been more annoyed with Max in his life, and that was saying something. Smug bastard. Brady’s pride told him not to give in, to find a way to regain the upper hand like always and get what he wanted in his own way. But Max was so different today from how Brady had ever seen him before and…he was lowkey worried it wouldn’t pay off. Brady ran his free hand through his hair and sighed heavily, closing his eyes again. “I fucking—” He stopped, shaking his head. “Please,” he finally said, eyes reopening to meet Max’s. “Fucking hell, Max. C’mon, please.” He hadn’t expected to be reduced to this, but god fucking dammit. Things were never so simple with Max. At least he had held up his end of the deal and given Max what he wanted, so Brady yanked his hand free to bring both up to hold tightly to Max’s hair. And when he had the go ahead, his hips rocked forward, another loud moan emitting from his throat as the warmth of Max’s mouth enveloped him again. As promised, Brady thrust into his mouth, jerkily until he managed to find some sort of rhythm, watching the mesmerizing slide of Max’s lips on his dick to match the way it felt. “Fuck yeah,” Brady choked out.

It was borderline embarrassing how soon Brady started to feel like he wasn’t going to be able to hold back. He squeezed his eyes shut, the movement of his hips becoming less rhythmic and going back to something much less controlled. A steady chant of curse words left his lips before he could stop them. As consumed as he was by Max Max Max, another sound managed to catch his attention, and Brady’s eyes flew open as he loosened his white-knuckled grip on Max’s hair. “Oh shit.” Brady ceased his movements and leaned back slowly, pulling Max off of him in the process. He carefully bent down to pull his boxers back up, regaining what he felt like was some semblance of dignity before rushing over to the stove. The water in the pot had boiled over. Brady had totally forgotten he was cooking. He quickly shut off the stove, noting his ragged breathing and the sweat that had slowly started to drip from his hair. Brady swiped the back of his hand across his forehead and then went back to where Max was. “We can do this your fuckin’ way,” Brady snapped, but still serious as ever. “I don’t give a fuck. But whatever the fuck it is we can’t do it here.”

Max and Brady might not have been seeing eye to eye over the past two weeks, but Max still knew his friend. He knew that he was stubborn; he knew that Brady liked having the upper hand. He knew that it was hard for him to let his guard down sometimes. He knew all of this, but he still wanted to get that one word out of him. Max didn’t know why it was so important that he bring Brady to that point, but it fucking was. Because he felt like he could, like Brady would let him if he played his cards right. And when Brady fucking said what he wanted him to in that wrecked tone of his, Max lost it. Time went by in a blur as he grasped onto either side of Brady’s hips, this time encouraging movement rather than stopping it. He relaxed his throat the best he could, struggling to remember to breathe through his nose as Brady took what was promised. And all he could focus on was how his best friend fucking looked and sounded as he lost all control, and Max couldn’t think. He just groaned into it; fully immersing himself in it, and he couldn’t stop watching him as he did it. Brady really was one of the most beautiful people he’d ever seen. But seeing him like this? It was next level, and Max wasn’t going to ever get this image out of his head. He gripped his hips tighter, pulling him in closer, guiding his thrusts because he could. He could feel him getting closer and closer and all he wanted was to see him completely lose it. To come undone because of him. But then as quickly as it started, Brady was up and gone. Max didn’t even rise from his spot on the floor immediately, just turned his head to stare after him. He felt possessed; the pot on the stove boiling over not even phasing him. His heart was still hammering in his chest and his eyes were blown wide. His hair was undoubtedly a wreck from the way Brady was tugging on it, and all he could fucking think coherently was that he’d never been this turned on in his whole life.

As soon as Brady turned back to face him, he was lifting himself off the floor and stalking towards him. It felt like he was on a mission, and suddenly maybe he was. Max breathed in sharply, licking his lips and still tasting Brady on them. His cock ached, still confined in his jeans, and he honest to God did not care in the slightest about the fact they could have set their apartment on fire. Max reached a hand out, fingertips dipping under the waist band of Brady’s boxers to tug him in closer. Brady was all sweaty and it shouldn’t have been as hot as it was. “Your room.” He finally said as he struggled to gain control of his breath and voice. He leaned in close, pressing a biting kiss to the side of his neck. “I’m fucking you.” His heart was racing at the thought, and he wondered if he was speaking clearly because his thoughts felt so muddled right now with how much he wanted him. “And you’re gonna like it so much it’s gonna be all you can think about when you look at me.” He tugged him hard towards him, and he told himself when this started that it was a bad idea to keep kissing on him. But right now he didn’t think twice about slamming their lips together in a rough kiss. It took all of his power to let go of him completely, turning his back on him to start making his way to their destination. And he knew with utmost certainty that Brady would follow.

Brady’s breath hitched as Max pulled him forward. He was so sensitive to every fucking thing Max was doing that the slightest movement made Brady’s brain all hazy. So it was no surprise that Max’s next words damn near knocked the wind out of him. How the fuck had Max Evans of all people reduced him to this? Brady didn’t want to think about it. He chalked it up to how unbelievably turned on he was, but he knew it had more to do with letting Max take total control for once, and the fact that Brady could trust him like that even when they weren’t particularly on good terms. Brady knew he had been selfish in a lot of ways he didn’t even want to admit, so it seemed only fair to let Max have his way this time around. Brady just hadn’t realized how much he could truly get behind it until Max started talking to him like that. Brady nodded, feeling dumb as fuck because he had no idea what to say. No usual sarcastic remark, no sassy response to Max’s words. He was so hard and so desperate to be under Max’s touch again that he simply couldn’t think. Brady instantly pressed his body against Max’s when he kissed him, and he was left leaning forward slightly as Max abruptly turned and walked away. Jesus Christ.

Brady trailed behind, anticipation and excitement flowing through him as they went. He couldn’t explain how hot it was as Max made his way into Brady’s own room. Brady closed the door behind them and then turned to look at him. Even through the weirdness and now this new side he had never seen before, Brady stopped to recognize that he was just looking at Max. The same Max he had known for three years, his best friend, someone who knew more about him than anyone else did. God, it was so fucking frustrating that things weren’t okay between them. The resentment bubbled up inside of Brady all over again as he stared at him, reminding him that this was all just because Brady wasn’t ready to open up. And it wasn’t Max’s fault either; he was hurt and Brady understood that. It just wasn’t enough to wipe away the bitterness between them. So instead Brady was going to let all of his frustrations manifest themselves in his desperation to touch Max again, and Max could take control of the situation however he saw fit. Lord knows Brady was into it, even if he never imagined he would be.

Still facing him from the door, Brady discarded his boxers once more. He certainly wasn’t going to be needing them from here on out. Instead of going to Max and kissing him like he might normally, Brady crossed right over to his bed, situating himself back against the pillows. “Well? What’re you waiting for, cowboy?” Brady prompted once he managed to find his snark again. Anticipation still coiled in the pit of his stomach as he watched Max and waited, but at least he was no longer standing there wordlessly, hopelessly waiting for anything to happen. Brady may not have the upper hand right now like he was used to, but he was still enjoying pushing Max a little, as he always did. “Come show me how it’s done.” Brady tilted his head, licking his lips. “Or did you wanna return the favor of fucking my mouth? Know how much you love that.”

Max didn’t know what had gotten into him, but he wasn’t in the right mind to question himself at all. He was just running on whims; the tension that had been circulating over the past weeks finally boiling up and over, just like Brady’s Mac ‘N Cheese water. Max was so desperate to touch him again, because despite his best efforts not to, he still couldn’t help but want him just as much as he did before their fight. It sucked, the situation sucked, but instead of being sad about it - Max was taking control of the situation, for once. Max ripped his own belt off on the way to Brady’s room, tossing it behind him right before he opened the door. He made eye contact with him as he yanked his pants and boxers down, shucking them off to the side. But he didn’t come over to Brady, now stretched out on the bed. Not yet. The familiar name cut through to his ears, and he fucking hated how it still sent a chill down his spine. Only Brady could call him Cowboy during sex; during whatever this was, and have him like it.  Normally he didn’t care that he liked it so much; normally he embraced whatever Brady threw at him. But right now it only served to add fuel to the fire, because everything Brady did to remind Max of just how lost he’d let himself get lost in him was setting him off. “Waiting for when I’m good and fuckin’ ready, Bradford.” He snipped back, eyes trailing down his body, and he wanted to just go over there right now. Give him just what he was asking for. Max’s gaze drifted to his mouth, and he pictured what he was suggesting so clearly. He felt his cock stir at the thought alone. God. Max really did love that, and it took all his strength not to go over there and take him up on it. “You saying you want me to shut you up? I can do that.” He tried not to let onto how much he liked that idea, but the way his words hitched while he spoke probably gave him away. “But I can do that without my dick in your mouth. If you’re good I’ll show you.”

He wasn’t going to be that easy. He wasn’t going to let Brady control this right now. So he stood up straight, regaining the angry sort of confidence he’d somehow gained this evening. He walked over to the table besides Brady’s bed, yanking it open and grabbing out the lube and condoms so he wouldn’t have to stop what he was doing just for that. Max tossed them both on the bed next to Brady. He gave him a pointed look as he leaned down over him, hands pressing against the mattress on either side of him, effectively boxing him in.  "These my condoms or did you finally buy your own for once?“ He’d never let onto the fact that he knew, because Max honestly didn’t care. But tonight he wasn’t holding any of his thoughts back. His tone was a little mocking before he brought his lips to Brady’s, the kiss a little too demanding. One of his arms fell down to wrap around Brady’s cock, giving it a couple of strokes while they kissed. Before it got too out of control, he leaned away and let go of him completely. "You really want this?” He fixed him with a serious look. Because as much as they were both clearly into this, he wasn’t going to do anything without his go ahead. “'Cause if you do.” He began, and his brain was all cloudy with a hundred different things he wanted to do. He felt kind of like he was malfunctioning, but trying so hard to hold it together. He couldn’t let Brady try to get the upper hand again, not right now. “You should get on your hands and knees for me.”

Brady wasn’t going to say it just yet, since Max was clearly getting a lot of his own satisfaction already, but how badly he wanted to reach out and drag Max onto the bed with him was borderline devastating. And maybe, if he tried, he would have won the battle, gaining control once again and getting just what he wanted from him. But Brady had to stop and think, where would be the fun in that? He’d never seen Max so aggressive before and was surprised by just how into it he was. He may as well just go with the fuckin’ flow. Brady swallowed, a smirk pulling at the corners of his lips but suppressed by how genuinely thrown off he was, still, by Max’s tone and the words he said. “I’ll be good,” Brady promised before he fully recognized the words he was saying. Christ, Max really was bringing out an entirely new side of him he’d truly never knew existed. Brady was so used to being the one who called the shots in every situation. It was weird to have someone he could completely let go with, someone he could let talk to him and direct him a certain way without feeling like he was making some sort of a mistake. Which, okay, maybe he was making a mistake sleeping with Max when they hadn’t taken the time to discuss anything going on, but what the fuck ever. Brady was far too horny at this point to think about it. The point was he could let himself give Max the reigns and still feel safe, and that certainly wasn’t nothing.

Max trapped him against the mattress and Brady just looked up at him, suddenly feeling smaller, but not hating it. “Fuck off,” Brady muttered, the smirk finally returning. “Yours are just closer sometimes.” Not that it had mattered within the past few months, given that they’d both been sharing with each other pretty evenly. The only times Brady had taken Max’s condoms recently were to fuck Max, so he was pretty sure he should stop complaining. One of Brady’s hands instinctively flew up to the back of Max’s neck as he kissed him hard. Brady wanted to hold him there, to keep him from doing his new thing and pulling away just when Brady wanted, needed it most. But he did just that, right when he caused Brady to lift his hips off the bed into his hand. Max left Brady wanting more and for a second he couldn’t believe that he had done this to Max multiple times before, yet he’d still come back for more. But then Brady considered the fact that he would very likely do this whole thing again too. Maybe that was just his aching cock thinking for him, but whatever.

Brady groaned, pushing himself up in his elbows to look at Max. He started speaking and Brady waited, listened, until Max made it clear what he wanted from him. Brady had had an idea when they’d made their way to his bedroom that Max would want to do things a certain way, so he couldn’t say he was necessarily surprised by Max wanting him to get on his hands and knees. And Brady… well, Brady wanted to do what the fuck Max told him to. What a concept. He didn’t argue or even particularly respond, just rolled over onto his side and then planted his hands on the mattress to get up onto his knees. He turned his head to look over his shoulder at Max, and holy fuck, Brady could feel warmth in his cheeks spreading down his neck and to his chest. Brady was fucking blushing. He thought he should be embarrassed, maybe even say fuck this and throw Max down on the bed to have his way with him. But, however surprising it was, Brady just wanted to wait. To let Max have his way with Brady. The thought of his kind, extremely generous friend continuing to speak to Brady in this far less than sweet tone to take what he wanted rather than giving was unbelievably fucking hot, mostly because Brady had to wonder if he was the only one who got this side of Max out of him; just like Max was the only person to see this less dominant part of Brady. The thought turned him on a ridiculous amount, despite the circumstances that brought them here. “Max,” Brady started, still looking at him from his new position on the bed. “I really fuckin’ need you. And I know how goddamn much you want me too. So…Jesus, dude. Please fucking do something.” A healthy mix of begging and demanding, Brady thought. He was going to have to find a happy medium between what Max wanted from him and what Brady was willing to offer in return if he was going to let himself relax and get used to giving himself over to Max like this.

Max almost didn’t expect Brady to go along with his request, but when he looked back at him after doing what he’d asked and said those words, Max had to take a moment to collect himself. The image of his face would forever be burned into his mind, he was sure, because he’d never seen him this earnest or borderline pleading about anything. And Max was the one to bring him to this point. Either Brady trusted him enough to just go along with it, or he was too turned on to care. Either way, his chest felt tight all of a sudden. Although, Max’s brain was literally not even in the equation anymore. He didn’t care at that moment how weird things had been between them, or how different they were being with each other right this very moment. He just knew he needed him really badly, even if he wasn’t going to let himself have that just yet. More than his own need to get some sort of physical gratification, he wanted to draw this out a bit more. He wanted Brady to completely lose his mind; to catch him off guard in a way that maybe no one had before. He wanted Brady to remember this. Pride and the overpowering need to prove himself to Brady took over him, and he finally crawled onto the bed beside him, coming up to hold Brady’s chin in his hand as he brought him in for another short kiss. “If that’s what you really want.” He said simply, pulling away, and for the first time that night he let himself visibly soften up. He ran a hand over the slope of his back, and kissed him once more before speaking quietly. “All you had to do was ask.”

Max pushed himself back, sitting up on his knees to for a moment. He swallowed as he let his eyes travel down the expanse of his form. Despite how angrily charged this encounter began, deep down he couldn’t help that familiar warmth from settling into his chest. And he was too worked up by all of this to really focus on it, but it wasn’t something he could just ignore every day like he had been doing and Max knew it. “You’re so fucking unbelievable,” he murmured as he pressed a kiss to his shoulder blade, not even thinking about his words. And he wasn’t even sure how he meant them right now anyway. “So hot like this.” Max made his way down his back, sucking small marks into his skin as he made his way down. His hands traveled down Brady’s sides as his lips glided down his back, his knees supporting him as he moved his own body downwards.

When he was where he wanted to be, Max’s breath caught in his throat. His hands slid over his ass, squeezing the flesh gently in his hands. Max knew Brady had just showered before they pushed each other to this, and even if they hadn’t hooked up in awhile, they were way past well accustomed to each others bodies now. There wasn’t an ounce of shyness left in him at this point, and he showed it by trailing kisses from his lower back and over his backside. He dragged his lips across the skin, before biting down gently, tugging at the flesh of Brady’s left cheek before letting it go. He suddenly felt that smugness rise up in him once more, something he wasn’t entirely used to, but right now he was embracing it. His hands squeezed tighter as he spread him open. “How’s this?“ He couldn’t help but edge him on as he leaned in, breath deliberately hovering over him for a moment. But it was only a moment, before Max let his tongue drag over him, almost a little too slowly. His hands still gripped either side of his ass, and he gave a few experimental flicks of his tongue, not going much further than that just yet. “This 'something’ enough for you?”

Brady took a deep breath, reminding himself to relax as Max slowly made his way down toward the end of the bed. Every touch and press of his lips on Brady’s skin was agonizing in the best way. He squeezed his eyes shut, focused on not tensing up because he knew what was coming. Max was unpredictable tonight, but Brady still knew him well enough to be able to tell where his mind was most of the time. He exhaled slowly, his body buzzing with anticipation as he awaited Max’s next move. Everything about the situation was uncharted territory for Brady, this especially. So he told himself once again that he could trust him. That was what mattered most at the moment. And it was the little mantra he had to keep repeating to himself as the feeling of Max’s lips and teeth and tongue completely threw him off. Brady’s breath caught in his throat. His arms threatened to give out for a moment until he regained his composure, staying steady where Max wanted him. That was the goal.

Brady had never done this, had never even really considered it, but the idea of Max wanting it and going for it was enough for Brady to further lose it. He let his head hang down as he groaned, fingers curling into the sheets below him. “Fuck,” he breathed out, hardly a response to Max’s question but one he was sure he would understand regardless. Max still seemed wary, probably because he wanted to make sure they were on the same page and feeling the same way about things. It was so Max. Brady reached a hand up to hold onto the headboard, pulling himself up a bit and giving himself just the right amount of leverage to rock back against his tongue, craving more in any fucking sense of the word. And Brady whimpered, the sound from his own throat causing him to grip tighter to the headboard and the bed below him. “Max, I—” He pressed his lips into a tight line, swallowing back a full on whine at the feeling of Max’s hands on his ass and his tongue working him open, as if it were the easiest thing in the world. “I need more,” he choked out, still surprised at how Max was turning him into such a mess. Brady was sure he had never been like this, or even close, during sex with anyone before. “Don’t… don’t tell me that’s all you got.” He gave himself a mental pat on the back every time he still managed to sound a little snarky tonight.

Brady twisted the hand on the bed into the sheets and shut his eyes tightly once more before both hands held the headboard, and Brady pulled himself forward a bit before completely twisting around to face Max. Even if he hadn’t like, told him to or whatever. Brady was desperate, made evident by his shallow breathing and the now very clear sheen of sweat. This was good, but it wasn’t enough. Brady’s cock was aching to be touched. What Brady cared more about in that moment, though, was that Max’s was too. “Let me suck your dick before you fuck me.” The words felt strange coming from him, more pleading than anything else, but Brady didn’t care, staring right at Max with a wide-eyed gaze. Brady reached for the lube and held it in his hand, figuring he could kill two birds with one stone if Max would let him do what he wanted. He swallowed thickly and realized what he was missing, what might help his case more than anything else; so he tacked on, “Please.”

Max couldn’t believe the sounds coming out of Brady’s mouth. They were addicting, and so unbelievably hot he couldn’t quite focus on everything he was giving him. The way he rocked back to meet his tongue as Max got braver and more insistent made him painfully aware of how much his own cock ached. He purposefully hadn’t touched himself yet, because he knew the moment he did he’d rush this. Brady was testing his patience every step of the way, though. But Max distracted himself by giving Brady more, working him open with his tongue and gripping onto him so tightly he was sure he was going to leave marks behind in his wake. He didn’t hold back then, wanting to pull more of those sounds out of him. He was so dead set on doing just that, that it took him a moment to realize Brady was flipping himself around. But once it sunk in, Max immediately straightened himself up, breathing a little heavy as he looked him over to make sure nothing was wrong. But one look at him told him all he needed to know. Fuck, he’d never seen that look on his face before or heard his voice quite like that. It made his heart pound in his chest so hard he could almost hear it in his own ears, and Max leveled with himself here. There was no way he could keep pushing this out; not when he wanted him this bad. “Fuck,” he said under his breath. The insistent please kept echoing through his mind and driving him crazy. His hand rose up to to push back the hair that was sticking to Brady’s forehead, feeling almost shaky as he did so. He didn’t think twice or mind the sweat, instead weaving his fingers into his hair. “Okay, yeah. Fucking suck my dick then.” He breathed as he gave his hair a small tug; letting go only as he leaned back. “What’re you waitin’ for?”

It was weird how Brady could feel totally out of his element, yet at the same time still comfortable enough to speak up and say things he usually only wanted to hear said to him. He almost felt like he had gone a little too far while Max just stared back at him, but then Max’s hand was in his hair and he was talking in that tone again, and Brady let out a breath as his eyes closed at the sensation. “You didn’t…” Brady trailed off, unsure of just how much he was going to manage to get out right now. He shook his head. It was easier to talk like that with Max leading him into it, he found. So he just reopened his eyes, licked his lips, and moved to a better position as Max lay back on the bed. He still had the lube in his hand, and he kept it there while his free hand wrapped around Max’s cock. Jesus, it was almost embarrassing how much he had missed touching him. Brady didn’t want to waste any time, but he was still Brady. He leaned down and pressed a kiss to Max’s inner thigh, too close but not close enough to where he wanted him. Then he did the same on the other side, and he knew he shouldn’t push it, but that was what he always did. So his eyes flickered up at Max as he gave him a smirk.

He couldn’t play that game for long, though. Brady was desperate and Max knew it as well as he did. He wrapped his lips around just the head of his cock, then slowly slid down because he wanted to savor the feeling all over again. Brady moaned as he took more of him into his mouth, knowing Max wanted this just as much as he did, and that was the hottest part of it all. Brady didn’t bother taking his time, immediately finding a quick pace with his mouth and hand and letting his tongue slide along the underside of Max’s cock with each movement. He fucking loved this. He always had loved making Max feel good, apparently like no one else could, but all of that was heightened now that it was truly all this was. They weren’t in a great place emotionally, but they couldn’t physically keep away from each other. And it was really fucking hot.

It wasn’t long before Brady decided he couldn’t take it anymore. He pulled his mouth and hand away so he could sit back and snap open the lube in his hands. He could have let Max decide how this was going to go, but Brady still liked having some semblance of control. And he had always been a believer in doing things yourself. He tossed the bottle back somewhere on the bed and reached a hand between his legs  to get himself ready. He let out a shaky breath, his free hand reaching out for Max’s leg, but he pulled himself together quickly. He adjusted his position so he could lean down again, the hand on Max’s leg moving back to his cock and lowering his mouth onto it again. It was a little awkward, the angle he was working with, one hand squeezing the base of Max’s dick while the other was wedged between his body and the bed below him, but he didn’t give a fuck. He could move, it was working, and that was all that fucking mattered. The weight of Max’s cock on his tongue combined with the feeling of his own fingers pressing into him, getting ready for Max was almost too much. Brady tried not to think about how desperate he looked and felt, impatience bubbling over and making him feel the need to fucking multitask. What the fuck ever. As if Max wasn’t into it just as much as Brady was.

On any other day, Max would embrace the teasing. He was usually the one dying to see what Brady would do next. He was always so addicted to everything he did; every time he kept him waiting or would look at him with that signature Brady smugness that he couldn’t help to just gravitate to. But right now it was different. He was the one deciding where and how things went, and he’d pushed them both to the point where waiting or slowing down seem painful now. “Keep me waiting too long and I might fall asleep,” he said lowly, right before Brady smirked at him. And he kind of hated how something so simple could make him so goddamn horny. He lifted his hand up to tangle in Brady’s hair once more, fingers wrapping around the locks tightly as he wrapped his mouth around him. Immediately, a low, drawn out groan left his lips, his head tilted back as his eyes fell shut. “Jesus,” he hissed under his breath before forcing himself to look back down at Brady. The sight of him eagerly setting the pace on his cock along with the feeling of finally, finally being touched was completely overwhelming. His hips shifted up of their own accord, gaze burning down at Brady. The moan against him was too much, and seeing how much he seemed to like this and need this was making him feel overpowered by pure want.

“Your mouth—.” He barely managed to say, his words cutting off right as Brady was grabbing the lube. And it didn’t take a super genius to understand what he was about to do, but seeing him to do it was unbelievable. Fuck fuck fuck. “Fuck,” he said out loud, gaze growing all the more intense, and he was no longer thinking. At all. His hand dropped down to the back of Brady’s neck, holding onto him firmly as his mouth slid back over him. “You missed this.” He noted as his breath hitched; hips shifting as he lifted himself to get a better view of him. And he was going off pure desire; his thoughts materializing instead of being shoved to the back of his mind like normal. “You missed me, didn’t you?” His words fell out as another groan left him. He wanted more. More of his mouth, more of the sounds he was making, just more of Brady. But he couldn’t take much more of this lead-up. He needed him at this point. Max’s hand found his hair again, and he yanked his head away from his cock, although it took all of his will to do just that. His gaze didn’t leave his. “Tell me.” It felt demanding coming from his lips. “And I’ll fuck you just like you need me to.“

Brady couldn’t help how satisfied he felt by the way Max responded to him. The way he sounded and how he was looking down at him spurred Brady on further. The hand on his neck was strangely intimate and Brady really fucking liked it. Max was right; Brady had missed this a whole fucking lot. Touching him, hearing him moan, knowing he was the one making Max feel good. He’d missed Max’s hands on him everywhere, his lips on every inch of his skin, his teeth grazing his neck and his hands in his hair. All in such a short time. Brady didn’t answer at first, didn’t know if he even should, since Max was just sort of talking and Brady still had his dick in his mouth. And he was also a little overwhelmed because his head was going further than he wanted it to. He missed fucking Max, but he also missed everything else. Being in bed. Bickering during filming. Max’s head on his chest. The way his voice sounded right in Brady’s ear first thing in the morning. Every fucking thing Brady had selfishly taken for granted and treated like something so much less. It wasn’t right, because Max was more; more than just this, than just someone Brady wanted to get off with all the time. Max was his best fucking friend and that was shot to hell.

Brady couldn’t say any of that. Not now. It wasn’t the time, and his brain also screamed at him to keep that shit on lock. He was lost in his thoughts by the time Max yanked his head up and said to tell him. Brady couldn’t just look him in the eyes and say he missed him. That wouldn’t go over well for anybody.  He licked his lips, fully recognizing that Max’s words stemmed from the fact that they were both super fucking horny and nothing else. And that was valid. So Brady pushed all that other fuckin’ bullshit to the very back of his mind and held Max’s gaze. “I missed fucking you,” he said, his voice steady. “Your cock. My dick in your mouth. That’s what I missed.” Maybe it was a cop out and not exactly what Max wanted to hear. But it wasn’t like it was a lie. Just not the whole truth. “I missed this,” Brady repeated, going back to Max’s original statement rather than the one he couldn’t exactly acknowledge right now. “And I do need you.” Brady shifted again, pulling his hand away so he could sit up and scoot away from Max a bit. Brady looked down at him, now feeling a pit in his stomach he hated the feeling of enough to channel it into something more fervent. “So tell me how you want it.”

Max didn’t feel in control of his own thoughts right now, something he noted only after the words left his lips. He was purely going off instinct and what he wanted. He was in this weird haze where all he could really focus on was Brady and how hot all of this was; how much he wanted to keep this going while also wanting to just give them both what they wanted. Deep below all of that, though, he couldn’t help that sliver of frustration from projecting into the situation. What had happened still hurt him, more than he was letting on. Max wasn’t one to tell anyone what they did or didn’t feel. But fuck if it wasn’t easy to let himself believe certain things when he was with Brady like this. Even now, in these less than perfect circumstances. But his words served as a reminder to him and brought him back to reality. Sex. Just sex. That’s all it was now; all it ever was. And it was time Max start letting himself believe that instead of the dumbass thoughts that landed them both in this position in the first place. So he swallowed the fucking sting he still felt, even with as turned on as he was, and he shook his head with a huff of a laugh. “Yeah, well lucky you. You’re fucking getting it all tonight.” He let the hurt wash over him, giving way to frustration at himself, and fueling this whole situation further. Max sat up on his knees, grabbing the condom that still lay on the bed. “On your stomach,” he murmured as he ripped open the package, pausing to reach out with one hand and guide Brady closer to the center of the bed. If Brady wanted to be fucked, he’d give him that. But it didn’t mean Max had to look at him head on while he did it.  It was that shit that got Max in trouble to begin with. “Want your ass up in the air.” He just needed to fuck him and get this out of his system. This was ridiculous, and he was too hard to use common sense and just walk away. He tossed the packaging to the side and rolled the condom onto his cock as he spoke. “That okay with you?“

Max laughing humorlessly and the low tone of his voice reminded Brady that he was wasting his time thinking about all that other shit now. He had started this whole thing out of frustration and tension and to shut Max up, and Max was also coming at it from that angle, so Brady was just going to forget that any of that had ever come up in the first place. He stayed where he was and watched Max put on the condom, something Brady might have done for him otherwise. Max wanting him like that was possibly the least surprising part of all of this, and Brady himself was more than okay with the idea of only having to think about how it felt. He couldn’t help but roll his eyes as he pushed himself up on his elbow to face away from him again. "Sure thing, Maxy,” Brady muttered over his shoulder. He pulled his knees up and planted his hands against the mattress. He pressed his luck every time he teased Max, because for all he knew Max could just say fuck it and leave him there. But Brady knew when he needed it just as much, and the ridiculously smug part of him that knew Max wouldn’t just walk away kept wanting to be a little bit of an ass, as usual. Brady turned his head just slightly, so he wasn’t entirely looking at Max, but enough that he wasn’t just speaking to the wall. “Do I have to say the magic word?”

It had never quite felt like this for Max before; not with Brady. It was only now that he was starting to realize that maybe this whole thing between them had never been just about sex for him. Because now that it’s all it was, it felt like a completely brand new situation. He felt like a different person, almost. And Brady, the guy he thought he knew as well as he knew himself, felt like a fucking stranger all of a sudden. With his back turned towards him, body bent in the position Max had asked for, they could both pretend that nothing had happened between them at all. That they were just doing this to get off. But then Brady had to go and be Brady, and a weird feeling settled into his chest; a dull ache he vehemently ignored for in favor of positioning himself behind him. Without thinking, he lifted his hand to slap him on the ass, the action sharp but not forceful. “Shut up. My name is goddamn Max.” With that, he moved a hand to grip Brady’s hip tightly with one hand, as the other dropped down to grab the base of his own cock. He had to steady his breathing as he guided himself to where he wanted to be; pressing his cock firmly against Brady’s opening, but not pushing in any further. Not fucking yet. “Now that you mention it. Good idea.” He mumbled out, halting in his spot as he leaned down and over him to speak close to his ear. And he wanted him so bad, it hurt to do this. But Brady right now was good at pushing his buttons, and for once he wasn’t going to just give into him so easily. “Go on, Brad. I’m waitin’.”

Brady raised his eyebrows, but still didn’t turn to look at Max as he did so. He considered that maybe he should just shut up and do as he had been doing all long, give Max what he was asking for because Brady needed him so badly. But all the deeper thoughts that had been running through his mind a few moments before seemed to flip a switch again. Before that point he had only been thinking and responding with his dick — which was the entire point here, in fairness. Now, though, when he was more aware of this being nothing but sex, that they were both going to walk away from, and reminded that he had been the one to derail everything in the first place by losing his shit when Max first spoke up… it made him think about how much he hated not being in control of any part of his life. And he knew that this—giving in to Max’s demands instead of making his own—really wasn’t that serious, didn’t make a difference outside of the bedroom, and that was why he’d let it get away from him without first realizing that that was where it was headed. So he was going to let Max have this because fuck, it was hot and Brady wanted it. He wanted to keep hearing him talk like that and to give in to it. But he supposed he didn’t want to do it quite so easily anymore. Brady trusted him, but he also wanted to feel like he hadn’t completely flipped things between he and Max for good.

Max was teasing Brady, pushing him even further past his breaking point, which he was sure he’d reached some time ago now. He couldn’t stop himself from pressing back against him, biting down on his lip too hard as the anticipation within him that had been growing by the second reached its boiling point. With Max speaking right into his ear, Brady finally turned his head so he could meet his eyes. “Abracadabra?” he deadpanned, holding Max’s gaze. “Or accio cock? That’s more my speed.” They could stay here for a while, Brady knew, with him being difficult and Max staying true to his word. He didn’t doubt Max’s reserve, especially not now, and Brady was an expert at making things harder than they needed to be. He could drag it out for his own satisfaction and his whole regaining control or whatever. But he really did want Max to just fuck him already. He had missed it and he fucking needed it. So he wasn’t going to keep playing his stupid games. Still… if Max could do things his way, Brady could do things his own way too. “Pleeease,” he finally said, his tone clearly a little mocking as he dragged the word out a little too long. “Fuck me.” Max wanted to hear it, so he could hear it. Brady pressed his lips together, just the hint of a smile forming, but he managed to suppress it and lowered his voice just a little to add, “And your name is Maxwell.”

Max was honestly now expecting him to just go along with it; to continue on how this night had been going. But he didn’t do that, instead he replied just how he normally would have thought he would. It was all so freaking Brady, it took him aback for a second. God. He was such a nerd. That really shouldn’t have been as hot as it was, but Max always did like that about him a little too much. “Sorry, but your wizard powers haven’t come in just yet. Try that again.” He tried not to smile; tried to keep his thoughts solely on what they were about to do. And when Brady finally said the right thing, albeit sarcastically, it helped him do just yet. The smart-ass Maxwell remark only fueled him, and suddenly he wasn’t able to draw this out any longer. He began to push the head of his cock into him, head dropping back as he fucking finally did what he’d been dying to. He waited until Brady was used to it and ready for more before he continued. “M-ax.” He corrected, a little breathlessly hand continued to grip Brady’s hip all too tightly, drawing back a little so he could snap his hips forward. He guided him with his hand, rocking him back against his cock as he quickly worked set a pace. His other hand rose to glide over his back. “Am I really gonna have to get you to say it?” He felt so fucking good around him and he couldn’t think, but he had to get the last word out. “Fuck.” He groaned as his hips rocked into him with a little more force. “Little cliché, don’t you think?”

Brady might have added something else or tried to be snarky again, but then Max was pressing into him and he couldn’t do anything but drop his head down and groan. Even through the discomfort in the beginning, Brady couldn’t believe how downright relieved he felt to finally have Max inside of him again. Max’s fingers digging into his side with damn near bruising force was pretty fucking hot, emphasized even further when Max actually started to move and touch more of Brady’s skin with his other hand. “I… just said your name,” Brady breathed out, his whole body rocking forward with Max’s thrusts. It helped that Max was pushing and pulling him along too. “Don’t think I have to say it again.” Max could only get so much out of him, especially now that they were both getting what they had been wanting so badly all night. Brady gripped the sheets like he had been earlier, trying to keep himself steady as Max’s hips snapped into him relentlessly, but it was so fucking good, and Brady was trying to move with him to somehow get more of him. Always more. “Christ,” Brady said through clenched teeth. He reached a hand down to wrap around his own cock, stroking himself in time with Max’s movements. He knew he’d have to pace himself to keep from coming literally immediately (which he wouldn’t even be surprised by), because he wanted this to last. He didn’t know when or if they’d do this again and needed to rememorize every single feeling. But his cock also desperately needed attention, so Brady would just have to be careful about it. “Fuck. It’s so fucking good, man.” Brady closed his eyes, resisting the urge to turn around again and look at him. “Bet you missed this too.”

Max was finding it hard to think right now, let alone provide anymore complete sentences. So he just ignored that comment, instead choosing to rock his hips into him sharply. As much as he wanted to keep this drawn out; as much as he had been enjoying having the upper hand, his resolve pretty much crumbled the moment he pushed inside him. He was consumed with how Brady felt and looked and fucking sounded. And it took every ounce of his self control to not just get lost in it completely, but he was so crazily worked up by this point it wouldn’t last long at all. So he tried to pace himself the best he could. Max needed more of this feeling; was addicted to it right now and could only think of how good it all felt. “Fuck, Brady. Wish you could see yourself.” He managed to get out as he glanced between them, heart hammering in his chest and eyes glazed over at the sight. It looked as good as it felt and having Brady try to meet his thrusts was unbelievably hot. “So fucking hot. You feel so good.” He encouraged, rasping out his words as he stretched down and forward, forehead pressing against his back and breath brushing the skin as his hips thrusted into him with a little more force. “Yeah I fucking missed it.” He mumbled against his skin, the hand on Brady’s back sliding under his body to push his hand on his cock away. He wanted to touch him himself. He tried to ignore the traitorous voice in his head that told Max he just missed him. But he wasn’t going to mess himself up with those thoughts again. “Missed fucking you.” He breathed as he pressed a kiss to his shoulder blade, hand wrapping around the base of Brady’s dick the best he could in this position. “Missed being the one to make you come.” His words were punctuated by his fingers wrapping around Brady’s dick, stroking him almost too slowly. “Missed your cock. Your mouth.” He drawled out, breathing labored. The hand on Brady’s hip raised up to tangle in his hair, tugging his head back enough so he could drag his lips over the back of his neck. He continued to rock into him, his pace steady but threatening to grow reckless at any moment. “Such a good friend.”

Max was downright fucking intoxicating and right now, that was more obnoxious than anything else. Brady couldn’t even be annoyed with him correctly because he drew him right the fuck in. That was pretty clear the moment Brady decided to heighten their argument by kissing him. Could he really be blamed, though? Max was leaning over him and speaking right up against his skin as he fucked him and it was so hot it almost made Brady dizzy. His breathing was shallow as he tried to keep it together. He listened to Max tell him all the things he had missed about him, the same things Brady had just been saying before about Max. For a moment, a perhaps hugely hypocritical part of Brady considered asking ‘That it?’ But he didn’t know what that would prove, wondering if Max had missed more than just the sex at this point since their fallout, or if he would say so like Brady couldn’t. He didn’t know what he would even want to hear either way. So he kept it to himself, instead just giving an appreciative moan in response and letting Max’s hand take over for his. Brady started to slip, letting himself fall completely under Max’s spell as his hand moved in time with his thrusts, lips on his neck, and Brady’s eyes closed. He knew this wasn’t going to last. And then… Brady wasn’t sure exactly what the fuck Max was trying to get at there, but his comment had Brady’s eyes flying back open. He turned his head but couldn’t quite see Max’s face since it was pressed to his neck. “Yeah,” Brady managed to get out, his voice shot to hell at this point. “Damn good friend.” Although he hadn’t been, really, and that was the irony of it.

As soon as Brady started to feel like he might be getting close, he reached for Max’s hand, his own closing tightly around Max’s wrist to pull it away from his cock. “Wait, wait.” He reached back to touch whatever part of Max he could reach from that angle, a signal for him to slow down and listen. “I know you wanted to… fuck, just.” Brady stopped, taking a moment to collect himself with a deep breath and gathering his thoughts through his haze of unbelievable arousal. “I wanna fucking look at you,” he finally said, voice quiet. “When you come. I wanna watch you come for me.” He knew it had something to do with this stubborn thing he had going on, but Brady also just hadn’t gotten to see that expression on Max’s face in too long, so fucking sue him. The newfound part of him also felt like he just wanted Max to look at him when he came, too. “Lemme flip over.”

The phrase damn good friend echoed in his mind as he drew his hips back, snapping forward into Brady with newfound urgency. It was another reminder that Brady was just that, his friend. And while before it had bothered him, right now in this situation it just made him want this more. The sound of Brady’s voice made his whole body feel fucking hot; pleasant chills rolling down his spine as they continued to move together. All he could think was that this was too good, and before Max knew it, his pace became more erratic. He was so so so close, and he increased the pace on Brady’s dick to bring him right along with him. His face was completely buried in his neck, breath coming out in short gasps as he lost himself in the moment. It was only when Brady told him to wait that his trance was broken, and it took every ounce of strength he had to still his hips. Fuck. “What? What’s wrong?” He inhaled as he tried to regain his breath and think clearly, trying to pay attention to what Brady was saying. When the words finally got through to him, Max didn’t move at all for a few brief moments before groaning low in his throat. Bad idea bad idea bad idea. But he didn’t fucking care at this point. He just wanted to come, and he’d be lying if he said he didn’t like watching Brady as he did too. Max silently withdrew, not even bothering with a verbal answer. His hands slid to Brady’s waist to help him move so that he was facing him.

For the first time, Max got a good look at him. Brady was flushed; the sheen of sweat over his skin and the look on his face just what he remembered from when they’d done this before. But for some reason, right now it stuck out in his mind even more. Max’s eyes flickered to his, and as much as he was trying to focus on the task at hand only, the familiar shade of his eyes made his chest hurt. He didn’t want to keep getting distracted by him, not when they were only here for one thing. But he honestly couldn’t help it, and before he could stop himself, he was muttering out a simple phrase. “Fuck. You’re so goddamn pretty.” And he’d thought it to himself countless times; since before they even started this mess. But vocalizing it was different, and Max quickly realized he should add onto that. Because God knows Brady didn’t like it when he said certain things, and right now they just needed to finish the task at hand. "Look so good. Gonna let me fuck you again?” He waited until Brady was ready before sliding between his legs, supporting himself with a single hand while his other slid down Brady’s torso, down until he reached his dick. His fingertips trailed down the side teasingly, but not for long before Max was dropping his hand to wrap around his own cock. He wasted no time in pressing against him again, eyes finding his face once more while he pushed back into him slowly. But he wasn’t going easy after that. They both wanted it, and he wanted them both to come. He wanted to see it. Max wrapped his hand around Brady again, not wasting any time stroking him while he tried so badly to find their original pace.

“You wanna come for me, Brady?” He managed to say, still looking at him as his thrusts became deeper. He loved this too much; missed the feeling of him too much. He just needed it now. He stroked Brady’s dick a little faster; a little more pressure as he continued to look down at him. And he couldn’t seem to look away. God he wasn’t going to last much longer himself. He could barely talk; barely think. All he could focus on was him and how good this was. “Tell me.”

The second Max looked down at him, watching him with the slightest hint of a look in his eyes Brady recognized from before all this, he realized he had probably fucked up by asking him to do this. Because now he was going to have to avert his eyes away from Max’s. Otherwise… it was gonna fucking hurt and that was some goddamn bullshit. That wasn’t what this was supposed to be and that helped piss Brady off again. That, and what Max said next. Because it hit him hard, made him remember all over again that Max had seen him that way all along and Brady had been using that. “Yeah yeah, I’m beautiful.” His tone dripped with sarcasm. He couldn’t focus on that, needed the subject to change, and maybe being his normal asshole self was the best way to do that. Thankfully Max didn’t hang onto it, and all Brady could do was nod when Max asked about fucking him again. God, it was all he wanted. He couldn’t remember the last time he had been so desperate for it.

He hissed as Max pressed into him again, hand right back on Brady’s cock and immediately picking up the pace. Brady had already been getting close and he knew this wasn’t going to take long. He also knew Max was close, and that alone caused Brady to moan and wrap his arms around Max. He pulled him in until he could feel the heat of Max’s skin against his, nails digging into his back in a frantic attempt at keeping him close. Jesus, Brady loved having Max so close to him like this. It set every nerve ending in him on fucking fire, made his heart pound, and really, really turned him on. But it was more than that. It always fucking was, every single time, and Brady mouthed at Max’s neck and let out a shaky breath against his skin. “I fucking miss you so much,” Brady told him, present tense, his voice little more than a choked out whisper against Max’s throat, all while Brady just clung to him and Max caused his body to move with every one of his steady thrusts.

Max’s hand was still wedged between them, bringing Brady right up to the edge in the way he had been craving. “Fuck. Fuck, I’m gonna come.” His chest fucking ached. He was so unbelievably close and could hardly breathe, standing on that same tightrope from the very beginning, the one he had been waiting for Max to shove him off of, and now it was about to snap with both of them on it. And Brady couldn’t look at him. “Oh fuck. Max.” Brady couldn’t help the sharp cry of his name as the tightrope snapped, but he could shut his eyes, and that’s just what he did, even which his forehead now pressing against Max’s shoulder. He only tightened his hold around Max as his hips arched up into Max’s hand and he came really fucking hard, over Max’s hand and his chest and Brady’s own stomach. Brady realized he’d fallen—or they had—when he started to catch his breath. He didn’t open his eyes yet. He dropped his arms down to his side and worked on pulling himself the fuck together.

Max didn’t have time to dwell on the brief, weird moment that was honestly his own doing. When he had time to think about this later, he’d hate himself for how many times he’d slipped up this evening when he was the one who was supposed to be in control for once. But Max didn’t feel in control of even himself right now, especially when Brady was clinging onto him like that. The nails digging into his back had him choking back another groan as he rocked into him with force; body feeling as though it were on fire. He couldn’t talk anymore. Max could barely breathe, he was so wound tight it was painful. Brady was completely surrounding him right now. He could smell him all around him; could feel his breath and tongue and lips against his skin. Could hear his sighs as they both got closer and closer.  And he most definitely didn’t miss what he said. He didn’t have time to let that sink in, just react. “God. Brady.” He whispered under his breath, and tried to brace himself with the one hand on the mattress as he chased what was so close now. “I’m right here. Right here.” He managed to get out in return, his own voice a hoarse mess. He wasn’t sure he made sense. “Miss you.” Not much longer after that, they were both so dangerously close. He leaned his head back the second he felt Brady tense, and seeing him completely lose it was the final thing that sent him over the edge. He’d never heard Brady sound like that before, and he’d been the one to bring him to that point.

The fact that he could feel him come between them made it hotter, and he suddenly had no reason to hold himself back anymore. He dropped his hand from Brady’s dick to his hip, holding tight as he rocked his hips once, twice more — and then he stilled completely. “Fuck.” His eyes screwed shut as he dropped his head down, face angled towards Brady’s as a low hiss sounded through his mouth. “Fuck yes.” His hips rocked forward of his own accord as he came, hard. His muscles and shoulders were so tense; his body had ached so much. But it had been so worth it; every muscle in his body now felt like it had been melted. Max stayed slumped over him for a moment, breathing so hard he would have thought he sounded stupid if not for how unreal that all had just been. And neither could deny that they’d liked it. He tried so hard to gain his breath; to regain conscious thought.

A long few moments passed, with them still pressed against each other. It was warm, and familiar, and didn’t feel out of place at all. It was just Brady and him and he wasn’t stressed or worried about anything. He just felt good. But the minute reality began to sink in, and the second he realized he was still inside of him, Max was slowly rolling off of him and to the side. He laid there for another few long moments, silently looking at the ceiling while his heart pounded rather erratically in his chest. “Well.” He finally said, voice feeling shot now. Max licked his lips and sat up slightly. He felt like he was having an outer body experience. But he still did what he needed to do and quickly made work of removing the condom, tying it off and leaning to the side of the bed to toss it away. Usual habit, as was grabbing the tissue box to set it between them. He grabbed a few tissues from the box before nudging it towards Brady. And he was almost afraid to look at him, not knowing exactly why. After wiping his own chest clean and tossing the tissues away, he finally rolled his head over to look at him. And the reality of the situation dawned on him. He’d really just fucked Brady after swearing off of it. All because he let him get under his skin. And now, he wasn’t sure what to do. It’s not like he was going to roll over to him and cuddle with him. That’s not what friends did. So what did they do?

Max swallowed and turned on his side to fully face him. That was intense. To say the least. They’d never been like that, ever. “You good, dude?” He pushed back the need to press himself closer to him, to kiss over his bare skin and just lay there with him and soak in what they just did for real. He forced himself to stay on his side of the bed, hand falling to twist in the blankets as his eyes surveyed him carefully. “Wasn’t too rough, was I?”

Brady was pulled from his trance by Max finally speaking. It was just one word, but it caused Brady to open his eyes and actually try to focus back in on the world around him. He saw Max moving from the corner of his eye and knew what he was doing, but kept his eyes fixed on the ceiling until he had to worry about cleaning up too. But once he’d done that, he lay back again, staring straight up. What the ever loving fuck had he done? Had they done? Well, it was pretty obvious what exactly they had done. But Brady couldn’t for the life of him figure out why he had thought it was a good idea, or why neither of them stopped it. Because now he couldn’t stop thinking about what it meant, and that was entirely out of character for him. Since when had he worried about what the fuck this shit meant? They, or rather he, had really fucked things up.

When Max spoke again, Brady still didn’t dare to move. “Yeah,” he said simply in response. “’M good.” It felt so fucking weird, answering Max in his usual worn out voice but having him on the other side of the bed, not wanting to look over at him, and knowing they couldn’t close the distance this time around. Or just shouldn’t, he supposed. Brady shook his head. “Nah. You were fine.” It was all fine, despite the pit in his stomach and the fact that Brady felt more vulnerable than he had in a long time. He brought his arms up to cross over his chest. Finally, he turned his head so he could look at Max, who was lying on his side. “You good?” It had become second nature to make sure they were both on the same page after the fact, especially when things got a little over the top. It had never been quite like that before, though. Brady had an aching desire to reach out, but it wasn’t like that anymore. And he’d probably end up regretting it in like ten minutes anyway. He needed to remind himself why they were even fucking here in the first place. “Sorry,” Brady mumbled, looking away once again, “for what I said. At the end.” He hadn’t meant to pull that shit. It wasn’t like he’d planned it. Things just slipped out in the heat of the moment. Lord knew they both understood that. He didn’t want Max to feel like he was just trying to fuck with him or something.

Max had never felt quite this awkward around Brady before. It felt wrong; weird to feel like a stranger all of a sudden. Especially after being such close friends for as long as they had, and after what they just did together. It was the same feeling of detachment he’d experienced over these past few weeks, but right now it somehow felt even worse. This was never supposed to be like this. He never wanted to lose his friendship with Brady, or even risk it. If he’d just put his curiosity out of his head and hadn’t have kissed Brady in the first place all those months ago, none of this would have happened. But now it had, and they were used to gravitating towards each other physically now. And it was all wrong, because Max couldn’t get his fucking brain and heart and body on the same page. What they just did was new, and he knew that Brady maybe wasn’t used to not being completely in control. So it felt really bad to just act unaffected afterwards.  He was glad to hear Brady was good, but was no more relieved or comforted by it. “Yeah, man. All good.” He dropped his gaze to the bed, away from Brady and half-smiled, although there was nothing behind it. It just felt empty, until Brady spoke again. And that emptiness gave way to the hurt he’d been trying not to feel this whole time. For a second, it kind of kicked him in the chest, making him feel short of breath. Brady was sorry for what he said. And Max would have maybe pretended to forget about it had Brady not pointed it out; made it worse by making it clear he hadn’t meant them. His lips stretched into a line as he rolled back over on his back, eyes flickering up to the ceiling for a moment.

And once again, he just felt so stupid. He was never like this over anybody. If they didn’t want him, he’d let them go. No questions asked. But Brady kept accidentally pulling him back in somehow, even if he didn’t mean to. Tonight, Max hadn’t expected this all to happen, although he was fully aware of what he was getting himself into when he’d grabbed Brady. At the time, though, he didn’t want to get ahead of himself again and let his weird out of place feelings get in the way. But apparently he couldn’t do that. “It’s fine, Brady.” He said, making sure his voice sounded steady, but he felt a little nauseous. He didn’t want to have to apologize for what he said too, because he’d meant it. And it felt wrong to just take things back, even if he blurted them out in the middle of sex. “It happens, right?” Max finally sat up, gaze ahead of him as he shrugged. “Didn’t mean anything.” That shouldn’t have hurt him as much to say out loud as it did. Max’s resolve began to harden at that moment. He really needed to snap himself out of this. As much as he wanted to stay; to repeat the past and roll up next to him, he knew he couldn’t. “Okay, dude.“ He sighed. "I don’t wanna take up your space for too long.” He tried to regain a semblance of his normal teasing tone, and it might have even worked. Max slid to the edge of his bed, feet planted on the ground as his body slumped forward, not leaving just yet. Something in him was still tugging at him to stay. But he knew if he listened, he’d probably just be making another mistake. “I should go check on the puppy anyway, you know? She gets lonely if she’s by herself for too long.”

Brady wanted to say that he hadn’t thought he was going to feel so off after the fact. The truth, though, was that he hadn’t actually thought about it at all. He had first kissed Max because he was annoyed and tired of playing games, and he knew all throughout it wasn’t a good idea. But he hadn’t stopped to wonder how he would feel when it was over. And he still couldn’t quite pinpoint what this was — whatever he was feeling now. Sleeping with Max had become such a natural thing in large part because of how comforting it was. It felt safe, being with his best friend, knowing they would enjoy each other’s presence afterward and make it clear all was well. They didn’t have that now. Brady still felt secure, because he knew Max was literally never gonna judge him or anything like that. But he had opened up in a way he hadn’t before and now he was all tense, not being able to just relax with Max’s head on his chest, or to talk about what had just happened. Which… he could do that, except for the fact that he was Brady, and he most certainly could not, realistically.

Brady wondered just how monumentally he had fucked everything up when Max let him know it was all good, it didn’t mean anything. He sounded sure of it. Like he knew Brady was telling the truth about not meaning it, even if that was twisted as fuck, because it wasn’t the truth. It made Brady feel really shitty. He’d thought that was what he wanted, for Max to believe the sex didn’t mean anything so they wouldn’t have to deal with any feelings. But after Max opened up to him and subsequently called Brady out on his bullshit, the thought of Max actually starting to believe it because Brady’s bullshit carried on sucked more than it probably should. Deep down he knew he should say something. It could be his chance to speak up and help Max understand why he couldn’t be what he wanted. But Brady just… couldn’t. “Yeah.” He didn’t know what the fuck else to say when Max said he was going to leave. Brady knew he wasn’t going to stay, and maybe he didn’t even want him to at this point. Brady sat up to get the fleece blanket bunched up at the end of his bed to pull it over himself and lie on his side, facing away from Max. He reached for his phone on the bedside table, where he’d left it charging before going into the kitchen earlier. And he was even hungrier now, but fuck if he was gonna get up with the mood he was in now. “Go for it.” This fucking sucked. He didn’t know how long he and Max were going to be mad at each other for, but he had no doubt this had changed things, and he wasn’t totally sure how. It just… was not for the better.

[adkinemi06]

Blog Post #22-Act in Love

Current Mood: Cold

Currently listening to: Diamond and Silver by Barcelona

Current verse of choice: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs." 1 Cor. 13:4-5

Well…the cold weather is setting again in, which makes me feel very uneasy.  Can I make it through another Cleveland winter?? I guess I have no choice.  Since I have last blogged, I have been to Boston and Las Vegas.  Those were both really fun experiences!  My wallet did not appreciate them, but I will cherish those trips forever.  

I am coming up on a year and a half of being a nurse, which always amazes me. The job never ceases to amaze me with how exhausting/frustrating, yet so rewarding 12 hours can be.  I know I have blogged before about how I sometimes struggle with having the opportunity and time to pray with my patients…well, I think God has been recently putting me in the right place at the right time.  Sometimes, when I am talking with patients, it just seems like way too natural of a transition into prayer.  It’s almost like God is saying, “Well, Emily, you couldn’t take the hint a few months ago, so I am opening up this distinct window of time for you to pray over this patient. This is as obvious as I can make it.”  And then I’m like, “Oh, thanks, God…I totally would have missed that.”  Baby steps, I guess.  

One day, I was in the trauma unit and I was taking care of this young girl who was in a car accident and had broken a lot of stuff in her legs.  She had external fixation devices covering her lower extremities, and she needed to be transferred to the ICU because she was having some respiratory issues.  The nurse giving me report warned me that she was a really hard patient to take care of because she was refusing almost all of her care and she was extremely anxious.  I really try and not let that kind of stuff give me a preconceived belief of how someone is, but I was still dreading having to deal with it.  Anyway, the patient gets to the unit, and it was worse than I thought.  She was flailing all around in bed (which was not good for the numerous broken bones being held together by pins and rods), yelling out in pain, ripping off her high flow oxygen mask…she was completely non-consolable.  I got her some pain medicine and tried to educate her that she needed to keep her oxygen mask on and try and sit still or she could cause more injury to her broken bones-nothing was helping.  To be honest, I was pretty annoyed, but I also have never had every bone broken in my legs, so I had no right to be annoyed.  This went on for about an hour and a half, and then I heard her yelling out, “Oh Jesus, help me.”  I figured that was my cue, so I walked in the room, and I said, “Would you like me to pray over you, because obviously nothing else we are doing for you is helping.” She said yes, so I closed the door, placed my hands on her, and just prayed for her pain, anxiety, healing, etc…whatever came to mind.  As soon as I said “Amen”, she got comfortable, and I didn’t hear another sound out of her the rest of the shift.  Granted, I did give her pain meds, and those probably kicked in, but I also believe that Lord allowed her to finally get some rest and be comfortable. Basically, the moral of the story is: if your patients are annoying you, just pray for them! (Only half joking).

The verse I chose this week is a very popular, cliché verse that people always use and take for granted.  In the past couple of months, I have truly focused on this verse in all relationships of my life.  In healthcare, it is very easy to get frustrated with patients (I know that sounds horrible, but anyone who works in a hospital will understand).  However, something I have focused on is being patient and treating these patients with so much love.  If people feel safe and loved, they are usually calm.  If they feel like their needs are not being met, I ask them how I can fulfill that need to make them comfortable.  For those patients of mine who can’t talk, I have really tried to not cut corners in care (which every nurse will tell you is easy to do when patients are intubated and sedated).  For example, I try really hard to turn my patients every 2 hours, do mouth care every 4 hours, and prop their limbs on pillows to prevent skin breakdown, etc. These are all simple things we learn in nursing school, but almost every nurse (including myself) loses sight of the importance of these interventions. We must maintain that attitude of love in order for our hearts to provide the best care.

Collin and I have been dating for some time now, and we have learned so much about each other.  Something that we have had to focus on is our tone with each other and how we handle adversity.  I have been single most of my life, and I have always struggled with my tone.  I am just such a passionate person, and I like things to go my way….which is not an attribute of a successful relationship.  I, personally, have had to really focus on being patient and not reacting right away to things that happen.  Something that is SOOOOO CRUCIAL in a healthy relationship is to communicate calmly.  Both parties must be able to express their feelings without being interrupted or criticized.  Sometimes things people say don’t always come out the way they mean them, which can be hurtful to the other person.  I believe that this all just comes with practice.  The goal should always be to build your partner up…not tear them down. It is not possible to just wake up and have a super successful, healthy relationship.  It takes a constant effort to always be in the mindset of love with Christ in the center.  A quote from my favorite book says it best, “When two people are consistently pursuing a connection with the Perfect One, that connection will set the pace for their connection with each other.  They will be learning to love from God Himself, which can only bring the best into their relationship.” The verse from 1 Cor. specifically says, “…it is not easily angered…”  I, myself, have had to learn to slow down, think, and THEN respond instead of just responding with what I want to say at that moment.  Meeting and getting to know Collin has truly been one of the most beautiful experiences.  He has taught me so much that he doesn’t even realize, and I hope I have done the same for him.  

Random thoughts: I am officially commissioned in the Navy Reserves, I go to Miami in 2 weeks for my cousin’s wedding, my cousin Brendan (here is your shout-out, Brendan) is visiting in a couple weeks, the Browns won their second game, say a prayer for the OSU vs. Michigan game since we clearly need it…#GoBucks

 Act in Love,

Em

[saltypurpleduck]

Fuck you Facebook....

So not my normal topic but whatever. I have no where else that's safe to vent this stuff so why not.... Also quick edit to add this is apparently going to be a LONG post. Just a heads up sooo... Guess it's story time.... Another edit. I tried to make sure I tagged enough to keep anyone from seeing this who might be hurt by it so some warning. I talk about my mental illness and some low points, and also I talk about pregnacy loss. So it gets heavy and I talk about these things with a frankness that can seem cold and be off putting so fair warning.

Facebook's suggested post algorithm thingy has decided that I'm pregnant. It decides weird shit all the time, and actually gets things scary accurate at times, but this time is VERY wrong. I'm sure it has to do with my recent search history on micro-premies, my obsessive clicking through baby clothes sites, and the fact that I am in the major minority amongst my Facebook mommy friends who only has one child.... Anyway Facebooks creepy ass fortune teller thing is very wrong this time, and this time it hurts.

The idea of having another child is polarizing for me. On one hand I have baby fever like a mother fucker, on the other hand another pregnancy scares the shit piss out of me.

I am fortunate in that I have never experianced a lost pregnacy. Okay... You know what that's a lie. I had a chemical pregnacy durring my first marriage. Literally no one knows but me and now the internet. I only even knew I was pregnant because I went to an appointment to get birth control. Like always they made me take a test, it came back positive so no birth control for me, they did another test to double check because I had JUST had my period two weeks prior, then a blood test... Yep I was pregnant. Like two weeks later, maybe three I lost time a lot back then, got cramps for the first time in my life and had some spotting. Called the doctor, they sugested going to the ER, by the time I'm seen full on bleeding. Sure enough the pregnacy is a no go. I just want to say my "meh" attidude about it is my way of dealing with it. I was in an abusive relationship at the time, I never got the chance to tell him before the pregnacy ended, and honestly a child would have been the worse thing to happen in that situation. Also I had the BEST doctor at the ER, he was very kind and took care to explain that there was nothing I could do or did do. Honestly with the way my periods are I would have mever known had I not had my birth control appointment that month. I'm late and flat out miss periods ALL the time. The cramping was the only diffence between losing that pregnacy and a period that I would have noticed had I not taken that required pregnacy test. I was very sad when it first happened but I was sad a lot in that time. The fact that I was pretty educated in the pregnacy departmemt helped a lot. I knew what chemical pregnacies were, and I knew that it most likely meant that for whatever reason the pregnacy just wasn't viable. You probably noticed I don't use the word "baby" here for this. At this time in my life my head was not well. Honestly durring those couple of weeks I knew I was pregnant I often forgot I was. I never got to the point of thinking of my pregnacy as a "baby" growing inside me. So my mind did the only sane thing it ever did durring that time in my life, it never registrated that pregnacy as a baby, so I never felt like I lost a child. It helped me move on and not spirl even fasted into the depression that had been taking over me. Maybe losing that pregnacy was some sort of devine intervention. I will never know. I'm feeling a lot of things talking about it. I literally never spoke or wrote about it passed the ER visit. Not even in my jornals, or with a therapist. No one knew. He never knew, my family and friends never knew, I never even told the doctor when I was pregnant with my daughter and they asked. Honestly I didn't even view it as hiding it or lying about it. I forget it happened all the time. Strange. Anyway..... Beyond that point back to Facebook fucking off....

I have the worse baby fever and basically always have. I'm one of those girls that would have been thrilled to get knocked up at fifteen, but I was also smart enough to know better and too emotionally wrecked to get laid to begin with.

Also I'm terrifide of being pregnant. Losing a child is my worse fear. I've had noghtmares about miscarriages simce I got my first period. Always made all those "greatest fear" questions from teachers and stuff real dark real quick. Brad doesn't like hieghts, Cindy hates spiders, Jamie has nightmares about miscarriage. (Also if I'm being too frank or discriptive at all durring this I'm sorry if I have hurt anyone with it. I'm trying my best to not get detailed and have rewritten a lot of this to edit out my normal harshness. I cope with stuff in a strange way, and I want to put my story out there but not in a way that might hurt someone who has ever delt with any of this.)

Basically every woman in my family on both sides has had issues of some kind. Fertility issues, miscariages, infant loss, premature birth.... All of it. Some of them everything on the list, most of them at least one pregnacy loss.

Many of us have sufferd postpartum depression. Myself included. This is where my biggest fear in getting pregant again comes from.

I was sick, and I mean SICK, throughout my entire pregnacy. I couldn't hold water down half the time, medications were given that were no help, I had so many bladder infections from being dehydrated. I also was just plan sick. Constantly with a head cold or upper respiratory infection. Then at about thirty weeks the Braxton Hicks set in. OH MY GOD. I spent HOURS hook up to that stupid monitoring belt because they were just SO sure I was going into labor. So I was pretty down before she got here, and depression has been a part of my life since I was a child. The odds were against me.

Sure enough after she was born I nose dived, further into my depression than I have ever gone before. Now don't get me wrong, I loved and still love my daughter. I took VERY good care of her. Constantly paranoia that someone is going to take your child from you does that. I spent hours a day researching to make sure I was doing everything right and that ahe had the safest baby things on the market. We were at the pediatrician's office with even the tinest sign something was wrong, this actually paid off a time or two so I'm not mad. However.... I did NOTHING for myself. I would go days without eating properly. Then the breast milk dried up (wonder why?) and I found myself crying and in hystarics in the formula aisle because I had failedy daughter by giving her "fake" milk. Every knock at the door sent me into sheer panics, and after a year of this I began to talk openly about killing myself so that her father could find her a "better" mommy.

Natrually this lead to what was propably the best and worse thing ever. A hospital stay. FUCK that hospital, sorry "behavioral clinic" I was so doped up I couldn't make sentances.y one and ONLY therapy one on one was my out paitent "safety plan" where they give you a list about removing knives and rooe from your house. I CAN NOT make this shit up. After my ONLY visit with a doctor at check in where I was misdiagnosed (badly I might add) and doped up the doctor put me on the standard lock down for suicide, which meant I couldn't leave our little ward/wing/area thing. This meant I couldn't go for group therapy, go to the cafitria, get visitors, or go for daily outside exercise time. So I ate in front of the nurses in the tv area with the dude they always stripped his clothes off and the guy they could barely feed himself. I watched a lot of TV, and colored. The order os normally for twenty four hours to make sure you're stable. The doctor forgot about me. She never lifted the order. I was too doped up to notice. A very nice guy who was in with me noticed. He and the group lady and a wonderful nurse brought it up to the paitent aviocate. After five days I was finally off lock down. I was there for ten. A saving grace was the group lady. After two days she took me to group anyway, and often let us have it in the court yard since we weren't getting are rightful outside time. My favorite nurse let me have visitation. Those two things saved me in those first five days. I felt so guilty when I left. So many people I had come to know who had been so kind to me were stuck there, for lord knows how long.

I found a silver lining though. I ended up with a great therapist after that. My psychiatrists were shit and to this day I still don't think I have ever been properly diagnosed or medicated, but my therapist was great. I saw her the other day and ahe remembered me and took tweenty minutes out of her day to ask how I've been and remembered things about my life. I haven't been able to see her in almost two years.

So now I sit and woder. What if it happens again? What if this time it's worse? What will that do to my daughter? How do I handle that, a newborn, and a small child?

So anyway the whole point of this was SUPPOSED to be....

Fuck you Facebook guessing thing. Yeah I want more kids, but I might not get to have them, and fuck you for reminding me about all of the things I hold guilt for. So rant done. It wasn't meant to be this long but I guess I needed to ramble.