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watchmegetobsessed · 4 years ago

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Never Have I Ever - Harry Styles (part 6)

well enjoy another part with some nasty business and some shit that’s about to go down hehehe

pairing: Harry x actress!reader

word count: 3.9k

warning: NSFW content

SERIES MASTERPOST

masterlist

“Hey! Stop that! You have your own!” you scold Harry, but let him steal some of your food even though he is eating the same thing. That boyish smirk on his face just makes it worth, he could get away with anything.

“But I swear yours taste better!” he defends himself, returning to his own bowl, half filled with your favorite fast recipe, pasta with pesto, edamame beans and cherry tomatoes. It’s so easy to make, you used to eat it all the time when you first moved away from your parents and had to figure out what to eat every day.

Now you are currently at Harry’s for the second day straight, having gifted with the privilege of being free from work for more than a few hours at the same time. Making a use of it, you were quick to show up at his home, but the two of you were also fast to eat his fridge out and this was the only thing you could make from the things left in his kitchen. He clearly likes it just as much as you do. Lying comfortable on his side, propped up on one elbow, he is wearing only his boxers, his full chest on display for your greedy eyes, but you are showing just as much skin yourself too, sitting only in your bra and some extremely short shorts.

“They taste the same, H. Made it myself, came from the same pot,” you tell him teasingly, but he just smirks and puckers his lips, signaling that he wants a kiss that you happily give him leaning closer to him.

“And you made it very delicious.”

You’ve been enjoying your time with Harry recently a lot more to the fullest, knowing that he is set to leave for his tour very soon. Your upcoming months however don’t seem too crowded, since you still haven’t heard back from that mystery movie you auditioned for such a painfully long time, so you just took it as they didn’t choose you. Not a big deal, in fact, you’ll have more time on your hand and might even be able to visit Harry quite often, making your time apart more bearable. There are only a few weeks left until he won’t be just a car drive away from you, so you clearly want to make the best out of this time.

When the food is gone and you are both full, Harry takes the bowls and just tosses them to the nightstand, adding to the mess you two have managed to create since you arrived. Cleaning up after yourselves wasn’t really your number one priority when you were gifted with so much alone time. Saying you’ll take care of it afterwards made you end up with dirty clothes splattered across the floor, countless mugs and glasses hiding at different spots in his bedroom and the kitchen sink filled with dishes to be washed. You know you can’t put the cleaning back any longer, but it feels so nice to just get lost in his big, comfy bed and forget about the outside. It’s something neither of you are lucky enough to have too often.

“How about we have a shower?” he suggests with a devious smirk and you already know he wasn’t thinking just about showering.

“Mm, is this your way of telling me I smell?” you tease him, making him laugh as he reaches out and curling an arm around you he pulls you down, right on top of him, his arms locking you in his embrace. Leaning closer he sniffs first your neck and before you could realize what the hell he is doing, he is already poking his nose into your armpit.

“Harry! No!” you laugh trying to push him away, but he just keeps going, sniffing around you wherever he can, that grin never grin away from his face.

“I think you smell splendid, Angel,” he then concludes and still laughing, you roll off of him, lying on your back as he pushes himself up on one arm again, smirking down on you.

“I can’t believe you sometimes. You are so weird,” you huff, but obviously don’t mean it in a bad way.

“Oh, says the one who spent fifteen minutes yesterday with comparing her navel to mine,” he snorts, making you gasp.

“Hey! That was an interesting observation! Yours is deeper!”

“And it’s important because…?” he implies, but you just roll your eyes at him.

“Shut up. Are we gonna shower or not then?” you ask, trying to divert the attention from your stunt yesterday. His eyes immediately light up, pushing himself up from the bed and holding a hand out for you to help you up as well.

Walking into his bedroom the two of you start undressing without any shyness, already feeling so familiar around each other as if you’ve been married for a decade. Harry makes it unbelievably easy to let loose and be yourself around him, you just know you could do anything, the weirdest shit even and he wouldn’t bat an eye, in fact he would probably do it with you if he is not the one to start it in the first place. He is exceptionally confident in his skin, being naked doesn’t scare him in the slightest and though you are more or less in peace with your body, the way he worships you and is clearly obsessed with everything about you makes you feel free and confident as well.

Harry starts the water while you put your hair up into a high bun, not in the mood to deal with your wet hair today, while Harry grabs one of his little hairclips and pins his hair from the front back.

“You look adorable with your hairclip,” you smirk at him, biting into your bottom lip.

“Adorable? S’ that really what you’d call a naked man standing in front of you?” he asks with raised eyebrows, a small smile playing on his perfectly pink lips.

“Okay, then up from here,” you start pointing at his neck, “you look adorable. The rest is… breathtaking. You satisfied?” you correct yourself.

“I think I will be soon,” he smirks slyly, his hands grabbing your wrists as he pulls you into the shower.

It starts off normally, he really wanted to shower, so passing around the shower gel you both wash yourselves first. It takes an expected turn when you are standing under the water, washing the foam away from your body, Harry’s wandering hands finding your waist. Soon his chest is pressed up against your back, lips nibbling on the skin on your shoulder and when you push your hips back, you feel just how excited he is to be showering with you.

You hum to yourself as he turns you around, pressing his soft lips to yours before they travel down your body, giving each of your breasts the same amount of attention before moving down further. When he is on his knees, his fingers press into your thighs, lips peppering kisses on your lower stomach and just as he is slowly moving even further, his eyes snap up, meeting with your gaze. Breathing feels like a hard task when you stare down at him on his knees in front of you, especially when his hand urges your right leg to lift and he easily puts it to his shoulder.

“Grab onto something, Angel. Don’t slip,” he warns, right as his mouth starts on your bud. A moan slips through your lips, one hand holding onto his hair while you smack the other against the wall of the shower. He curls his arm around your thigh on his shoulder, keeping you in place as his tongue and lips work on your clit. In total ecstasy, you try to buckle your hip so he has more excess and he surely uses it all to your benefit. The way he swirls his tongue, teasing the sensitive skin, kissing and sucking on you, he takes your breath away.

“Fuck, Harry!” you whimper, eyes shutting close when you feel his fingers, the ones that are not pressed into your flesh of your thigh, play with your wetness between your slick lips.

Harry is all about pleasing, that you’ve learned quickly. Watching his partner fall apart under his hands, tongue or other body parts brings him a kind of satisfaction not many can enjoy. He takes his time with you, makes sure you are enjoying yourself on the fullest and he surely doesn’t stop until you are completely satisfied.

His lips feel like they were meant to kiss you on your mouth and everywhere else. He teasingly slides one finger inside you, testing the waters out how well you are reacting before adding another one and picking up a comfortable pace, sliding them in and out of you relentlessly.

You keep panting his name as you feel your orgasm building up inside you, every bit of your body screaming to reach your high. Harry picks up his pace, lips sucking on your clit in the most heavenly way and you want to ask where he learned to do the things he does, but you are way too caught up in enjoying his knowledge to even form a word that’s not his name or something obscene slipping out in the heat of the moment.

Your leg that’s still on the floor starts to feel numb, your knee buckling from the sensation that’s just so close to the edge, but you catch yourself in time, smacking your back against the fall for more support.

“You alright?” he asks mumbling against your center.

“Yes! Yes, just please don’t stop!” you beg and he doesn’t need another word, he is back at making wonders to your body.

It builds and builds until you can barely breathe and then, as if the bubble just pops, satisfaction washes over your body, you cry out his name as you ride the feeling, legs going weak but you manage to hold yourself up just right. Your chest is still heaving when Harry puts your other leg back down to the floor and placing a few soft kisses on his way up to your stomach, he finally stands back.

“Feeling alright?” he asks, so damn full of himself, the satisfaction with himself is all over his face, but you’ll give this one to him. He deserves it all after what he just did.

“Alright? I’m fucking fantastic,” you chuckle kissing his lips softly, the lingering taste of your own orgasm can be still felt on them. Glancing down you see that he is still rock hard. “Think I can handle some more, though. What do you say?”

“You sure?” he asks, but instead of answering you press your lips on his and soon enough it’s you who is pressed up against the wall, legs wrapped around his waist as he rocks himself into you.

When you finally leave the steamed up bathroom, you put on a shirt of his with a clean pair of panties, Harry only opting for a loose pair of basketball shorts. Agreeing that it’s time for some cleaning up you offer to collect the dirty dishes from his bedroom while he starts to wash the pile in the sink. Gathering the empty glasses you have your hands full as you are about to head out to the kitchen when your phone starts ringing on Harry’s nightstand. Glancing at the screen you see that it’s Mona so you put down the glasses and answer the call.

“Hey, what’s up?” you ask, hoping she has something new to tell you about any upcoming castings.

“Hi! Y/N, I have excellent news!” she beams immediately and you straighten up, already excited for what she has to say.

“Tell me then!”

“Okay, I know that those endless castings were a pain in the ass, but I just got a call from them. They want you as the lead actress!”

“Wait, really? I was already thinking they didn’t choose me because of the long wait.”

“They had a lot of people in consideration and then something came up with the production that forced the casting process to come to a halt, but they just offered you the role, I’ll email you all the deets. Guess who’s gonna be the director!” “I have absolutely no idea, since they were never there at the castings,” you huff. Out of the million times they asked for you to go in, the director showed up at none of them, only got the tapes, which you found odd, but you are no one to question someone’s method, especially when they chose you at the end.

“It’s Taika Waititi! Y/N, this is major. This movie is already promised to be Oscar worthy!”

“Oh fuck, now I know why they were so mysterious about it,” you chuckle in disbelief.

“We’ll have some paperwork to do very soon, filming is set to begin in a month,” Mona says and it puts you on alert.

“Wait, what? A month?”

“Yeah. If you sign the papers, you are gonna move to the set for almost three months in four short weeks!”

“That’s very soon, Mona. I wasn’t expecting to film so suddenly,” you reply, feeling the panic crawl up on your spine. You were set to have some smaller projects, which you assume will be pushed way back and then there is Harry… You were really looking forward to visit him on tour often, but if you’ll be trapped on set for three months, there’s no way you’ll be able to visit even just once. It messes up all your plans.

“You’ve done it on way shorter notice before, Y/N. You’ll be fine. I’ll send you everything today and we’ll talk about when you’ll be able to sign the papers. I gotta run now, but congrats, girl! It’s a huge step!” she cheers before ending the call, leaving you dumbfounded.

You were not expecting today to go this way, this phone call singlehandedly threw all your plans right into the trash. It’s not that you’re not thankful for having such an amazing opportunity in your career… but thinking about all the time with Harry you’ll have to pass on. It certainly does not make you happy.

Sitting on the edge of the bed you take a minute to yourself, thinking about what to do and the thought that’s starting to form inside you will definitely not impress Harry, but you don’t feel like you have a choice.

Gathering the glasses once again you finally join Harry in the kitchen who is finishing up at the sink right when you walk out.

“Were you on the phone?” he asks after mumbling a soft thank you for bringing the glasses out.

“Yeah, it was my agent,” you nod timidly, suddenly feeling out of place in Harry’s home.

“Was it… bad news?” he asks, judging from the look you currently have on.

“I uhh… You remember all those castings they kept asking me to come to a little while ago?”

“Yeah, of course.”

“I got the part. Leading role,” you simply state and Harry looks at you, stunned, pride all over his face, but it soon deflates when he sees that you’re still not too happy about it.

“Why the long face then, Angel? A leading role is a big deal!”

“Filming starts in a month, I’ll be away for three months,” you tell him and watch as it clicks in his head as well. His face falls from excitement to slight disappointment but then he masks it with concern.

“I hope you’re not thinking about turning it down.”

“It’s not really an option. The movie is promised to be a big hit, I would be stupid not to take the role, though I admit it’s a shitty timing.”

Harry nods in agreement as he shuts the water off and dries his hands in a kitchen towel, seemingly deep in his thoughts.

“I guess we’ll have to work with what we have,” he then says, but you can tell he is frustrated this is what you have to face. As if you haven’t had enough trouble with time management, now fate seems to be making it impossible for you to see each other.

The words are already on your mind, but you’re not sure how to say it without upsetting him too much. Nothing ensures he won’t take it the wrong way, so you just have to simply go for it and hope for the best.

“Let’s sit down for a minute,” you suggest and taking his hand you lead him to the couch.

When both of you are settled, you take a deep breath and decide to just be honest, it’s something Harry appreciates a lot.

“I want you to listen to me before you say anything, okay? I really want you to understand my reasoning,” you plead and he nods shortly, eyebrows pulled together as he listens to you carefully. “I know what I’m like when I’m filming. I can get really stressed and lost in my own head, I always lose touch with the outside. My friends know it, my family knows it, they just expect me to be like that at this point. I’ve been really enjoying spending time with you Harry, but I just don’t want to disappoint you, because what you got from me these past weeks won’t be the same as I’ll be like when I’m away working. And I know we haven’t talked about what we are and I really wish this could happen differently, but I think it would be best if we didn’t make any promises until it’s a better time for the both of us. I would hate to think that I’m holding you back while you’re away on tour and I don’t want you to be disappointed in me either. I know this sounds illogical and like I’m trying to run away, but it’s not that. I just know how hard it can get and I don’t want either of us to get hurt.”

Harry takes his time thinking about what you just said, really chewing the words before he reacts anything and the more time passes, the more anxious you are feeling yourself becoming.

“Is that really what would make you feel… secure?” he then asks, calm and a little prim.

“Talking from experience, yes,” you nod, still expecting him to lash out on you, but it’s just not happening.

“Can we still… talk?”

“Of course!” she breathes out. “It can all stay like this, it’s just…” You’re really trying your best to tell him what it’s all about for you, but it’s hard to find the right words. “It’s the strings, Harry. If we don’t have that, I won’t feel like I disappointed you when I eventually let you down.”

“How are you so sure you’ll let me down?” he asks, a little frown pulling on his face.

“I’m not, but it’s in the cards. It wouldn’t… it wouldn’t be the first time for me to mess it up,” you add quietly, eyes snapping down at your hands. “I would rather not get your hopes up, is all.”

Harry wants to protest. He wants to tell you all about how he thinks you’re wrong and that you could never let him down, but he keeps it all to himself. Instead, he decides to respect your decision and wait for the time to be right. It’s gonna be hard for him, quite like Hell, but if it means he can keep you close, he’d gladly do it for you.

“Alright. So then no strings attached,” he nods at last, surprising you with his calm manner and seemingly easy reaction.

“You’re not mad?” you ask stunned and a little puzzled.

“I mean I’m not a fan of the idea, but I can clearly see this is what would make you feel comfortable so I’m willing to work with whatever we have,” he explains, your heart sinking a little at his words. Disappointment, it’s already showing, you think to yourself.

“I-I’m sorry, it’s just that I really—“ you start stuttering, but he cuts you right off.

“Y/N, stop. It’s all gonna be fine, okay? I appreciate your honesty, really, not many would have had the guts to talk about it so openly, but you did. You told me exactly how you feel and that’s a great start. The timing of everything is very off, but we’re gonna make it work, alright? I have time, we’ve got time.”

For the first time since you told him the news, you finally see him smile. It’s weak and not as bright as you’d want it, but it’s there and it brings you the relief you wanted.

Scooting closer you cup his face and kiss him, trying to put every emotion you are feeling into it, hoping he would get the message that you are so very thankful for the way he is handling it, not making it even harder than how it already is.

“Do I still get to kiss you though?” he mumbles against your lips, hands already gripping your hips as he pulls you to his lap that you straddle more than happily.

“Oh, you get to do so much more,” you breathe out, kissing him over and over again.

It’s gonna be hard. And definitely painful. You didn’t want things to go this way and though everything in you is protesting against what you just agreed on with Harry, you know you’ll have more peace this way until you can finally focus on figuring out where you’re really standing with Harry. A relationship is a lot of time and effort, which neither of you have enough of right now, so this decision needed to be made. You both know it.

***

The cast of Sinful Heaven is finally full!

The highly respected director, Taika Waititi is back in action with a very promising new movie that is promised to take our breath away. Casting for the production has been in action for months, names such as Timothée Chalamet, Maya Hawke and Colin Firth have been announced to take part in the upcoming coming of age drama that follows the struggles of an young woman who grew up as an orphan, now facing many challenges in life after leaving the system with nothing in her hands. The leading role was eventually offered to the promising young actress, Y/N Y/L/N a week ago and the cast is now finally full with one last addition!

Levi Hudson was announced to join the movie in a supporting role, who already shared the exciting news on his Twitter. Following his statement about the movie, people were quick to question whether he was the best choice, but it wasn’t his acting skills that made them doubtful but his past romantic relationship to the woman in the leading role, Y/N Y/L/N.

The pair previously dated for over a year in 2018 and rumored to have some bad blood since their split in early 2019, however neither of them have confirmed the gossips. Will they be able to be professional and put their spiteful past behind for the sake of the movie? And does Harry Styles, Y/N’s rumored new beau have anything to say about the news of the exes working together? We will all have to wait to find it out!

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#harry styles #harry styles smut #harry #styles #harry styles series #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles fanfic #harry styles oneshot #harry styles one shot #harry styles x you #harry styles x y/n #harry styles x reader #harry styles x famous!reader #harry styles x actress!reader #harry styles never have i ever #never have i ever series #never have i ever #harry styles never have i ever series

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with-my-murder-flute · 4 years ago

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Hi everybody, thanks for the asks letting me know I made the top of @yusuftiddies’ list of Homophobes in TOG Fandom, you can stop sending them now.

So.

I can make mistakes and fuck up and own that. I am serious about listening to marginalized people. But... in this case, while @yusufstiddies generally describes factual events that happened and factual posts that exist, I have to say that I can’t actually apologize for the things I’m called out for because I don’t think they’re homophobic. The things he criticizes me for are things that come from a lot of personal experience as a queer bisexual cis woman, as well as a lot of reflection, research, and study. I believe in them really strongly and stand by them.

I’m really sorry if this makes TOG fandom too hostile, because it is not my intention to make this place so unpleasant that anyone feels driven out. I understand if my stance means people no longer want to follow me/read my stuff/participate in projects I’m involved with (though I’d rather hand off the Research Hub to someone else than see it go down with me). I’m posting this so people can know where they stand before they decide whether to keep interacting with my blog, or “deplatform” me as @yusufstiddies recommends.

I would recommend, for anyone who doesn’t want to see my posts, using Tumblr’s new post content filtering feature. If you type a username (like star-anise or with-my-murder-flute) into it, Tumblr will hide all posts featuring that specific string of characters, and therefore any post or reblog of mine.

To address the accusations against me:

I am an anti-anti: Yes. I’ve reblogged posts of mine about this before. I care passionately about preventing child abuse, but I think there are better ways to prevent child abuse in fandom (like concrete harassment policies so predatory behaviour can be reported and stopped early, and education about digital consent and healthy relationships) than attacking people who write “bad ships,” not least because the first people it hurts are abuse survivors trying to work through their trauma, and because the research says you cannot actually tell who’s a sexual predator based on what they write about. Fiction affects reality, but not on a 1:1 basis. My mainblog, @star-anise, has a really extensive archive of my writing on the subject.

I said cishet men aren’t more privileged than gay men: Kinda. What I actually did was question whether Every Single Cishet Man benefits from more privilege than Every Single Gay Man. If a man is cishet but gets beaten up because people perceive him as gay, he’s not exactly feeling the warm toasty glow of heterosexual privilege in that moment. Oppression is complicated and there are times when someone’s lack of privilege on one axis is way less important than someone else’s lack of privilege on another axis.

The post above also includes me reblogging someone else’s addition about how straight men can be included in the queer movement: I’m queer. @yusufstiddies has made it very clear that he isn’t comfortable with the word “queer” and doesn’t like it. Therefore I think it’s understandable that he might not understand that the queer community sees ourselves as a coalition of people dedicated to dismantling the structures of sex and gender that oppress us, not a demographic of people whose gender identities or sexual orientations can be neatly mapped. However, I would say that doesn’t make queer theory inherently homophobic.

There are also some related points @yusufstiddies didn’t level at me specifically, but I would like to address:

The constant focus on the unsafeness of cishet people:

I’m not cishet. I’m a bisexual woman who’s dated women. Sixth-light is a queer woman married to a woman. This is not an issue of non-LGBTQ+ people blundering their way into something they don’t experience the daily consequences of. This is an issue of people from WITHIN the LGBTQ+ community who sincerely disagree with @yusufstiddies about the pressures we experience and how best to deal with them. I think that even if @yusufstiddies were to filter his fiction input to only LGBT-written work about LGBT experiences, or even only trans-written work about trans people, he would still find a lot of things he finds upsetting or transphobic, because sexual and gender identities are really diverse and not everything will suit one person.

The contention that saying “’Queer is a slur’ is TERF propaganda” is transmisogyny because it dilutes the definition of “TERF”:

People who point out the phrase is TERF propaganda are not calling every person who says it a TERF, and we are not trying to argue that telling a queer person that queer is a slur is inherently equal to the kind of damage a TERF does when she attacks a trans woman out of transphobia. Queer people being able to use the word “queer” does not have the same importance as trans women being able to live, work, and survive in public. Rather, we are literally saying, “This is a thing TERFs say when they take a break from attacking trans women and try to recruit new members to their group, so it’s in our best interests to not give it too wide a currency.”

Some people have experienced the word “queer” used as a hateful word hurled against them and don’t want to hear it ever again. I get that. It happens. Where I grew up, “gay” was a synonym for “shitty” and it took me a lot of years out of high school before the word “gay” wouldn’t shoot my blood pressure through the roof. I actually do understand that and think that’s valid (and again, support using post content filtering for that word).

One of the things I do at @star-anise is argue with young people who are headed into full-on transmisogynistic TERF territory, and work at reeling them back and deradicalizing them. I use a tag called “weedwhacking” so my followers can filter out the sometimes lengthy back-and-forths we get going.

Something I’ve learned, interacting with so many TERFs and proto-TERFs, is that one way they frequently get recruited into harassing trans people was through discourse around the word “queer”. For one, it encouraged them to want to distance themselves from any perception of LGBT people as “weird” or “not normal”, which led to seeing trans people as “weird” and “not normal” and therefore not good members of the “gay pride” community. For two, repeating “queer is a slur” predictably causes a lot of queer people to react in a defensive manner, so by teaching young or new people to say it, TERFs can set them up to feel alienated from the larger LGBTQ+ community and more open to TERF propaganda.

The next issue isn’t mentioned in the original callout post, but I think it’s key to this entire issue:

@yusufstiddies has made several posts about what cishet people should and shouldn’t write. For example, cishets shouldn’t write Nicky experiencing internalized homophobia. Another is a detailed post of things cishets shouldn’t write about trans people, including which sexual positions only trans people are allowed to write. I would imagine that part of his frustration with fandom has been the lack of traction those posts have gotten. I know I very deliberately didn’t reblog them.

That isn’t because I don’t agree that the things he complains about are rarely handled well by cishet authors. I agree that there’s a lot of bad fic out there that contributes to negative stereotypes against LGBTQ+ people and is basically a microaggression to read.

I have two very deeply-seated reasons for my position:

LGBTQ+ identities are different from many other political identities because most people are not born identifiably LGBTQ+. It’s something we have to figure out about ourselves. And one really important way that we do that is using the safety of fiction to explore what an experience would be like, sometimes years before we ever admit that we fit the identity we’ve written about. So banning cishet authors from writing something is really likely to harm closeted and questioning LGBTQ+ people. It will lengthen the amount of time questioning people take before finding the identity that really fits them, and force closeted people to be even more closeted.

There’s a lot of undeniably shitty stuff in fandom. However, I fundamentally believe that trying to target the people creating it and forcing them to stop doesn’t work very well, and has the serious byproduct of killing the creativity and enthusiasm of the rest of fandom and resulting in less of the actual thing you like being produced. I think that it is infinitely more productive to focus on improving the ratio of good stuff in fandom than trying to snuff out every bad thing.

Like I said: I understand if this means former followers, mutuals, or friends no longer want to interact with me. I’ll be saddened, but I’ve obviously chosen this path and can deal with the consequences.

I wish this could have worked out differently.

#my stuff #the old guard

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touchmycoat · 3 years ago

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qijiu bingqiu (bingliushen??) fix-it fic planning blabber

so i think i gotta keep it tight on SJ’s POV. Right before his death, he makes a deal with Xin Mo (who’s kind of a lone operator bc LBH too has to fight its power) to create this alternate timeline in exchange for his cultivation. Xin Mo can open up new dimensions no problem, and with SJ’s cultivation, it even manages to rewind the timeline. That’s not enough though—Xin Mo’s goal is only consumption, so it takes the deal but reveals there’s nothing that will actually change. The price SJ paid only opened the door.

But that’s fine, ‘cause SJ saw it coming. He also strikes another deal, this time with Death itself? Some sort of large cosmic force. The only thing he wants changed is Qi-ge’s death, and in exchange...the universe takes him. SJ will not get to exist in that second universe. SJ takes the deal.

And that’s the start of canon. SJ-as-SQQ can no longer exist. Instead, SY-as-SQQ is brought in. In order to stay cohered though, YQY’s memories and personality get a little glitched—he is physically incapable of recognizing all the ways SQQ is now not SJ. That’s why, despite SY-as-SQQ clearly being OOC, YQY never seems to see it.

Canon happens, now we’re in the post-canon world where bingqiu are married and settling down, but SQQ still kicks it with his buddies LQG and YQY every now and then. YQY still firmly believes SQQ is SJ, to SY’s increasing consternation. Is it just delusions and wishful thinking? The more YQY treats him as SJ though, the worse SY feels—he shouldn’t be stealing all this affection that doesn’t belong to him.

It all comes to head when SQQ overhears public opinion on YQY, how he’s perfect in everything but his crazy devotion to SQQ. SY thinks enough is enough. He can’t bring SJ back but he sure can tell YQY that his Xiao Jiu is dead, right? The System warns him he’ll be punished but that’s fine, it’s just not fair, SQQ can take another little mental horror trip down to BinggeLand if it means YQY can have some closure.

Except that’s not what happens. He gets YQY in private and says, “no, you don’t understand, Shen Jiu is dead.” He sees the recognition in YQY’s eyes, but he also sees the moment that recognition gets wiped. The sad smile that had fallen off of YQY’s face returns, eerily happy, as YQY says, “my apologies, Qingqiu-shidi, I must have spaced out just now, what did you say?”

Right before the System kicks him into another punishment phase, SY tries again: “Shen Jiu is dead!” He sees the recognition disappear once again from YQY’s eyes.

Inside the punishment world, Bingge has him again. “I’ve been searching for an answer to why the sniveling pathetic version of me gets you as his Shizun, and I think I figured it out.” For a moment, SY’s horrified by the possibility that Bingge has figured out his transmigrator status—if his punishment figures it out, would he be trapped inside the punishment forever? But instead, Bingge says, “Liu Qingge is still alive, meaning Shizun didn’t kill him in the spirit caves. Did his survival render such a dramatic change?” SQQ”s like “yup, yup that’s definitely it. We’re such good friends, he really changed my outlook on life, so I treated you better, mhm.”

“Shizun’s very clever then to save his own life this way. Xin Mo’s already told me about your little bargain.”

That’s how SY learns that SJ had made a deal. Holy shit, he’d thought it was just random phenomenon this whole time, but the original goods had made it all possible? He didn’t know whether to thank SJ or curse him.

But that can’t be the whole story—Xin Mo opened up a timeline, that doesn’t explain why SY is here. Bingge doesn’t know this part, but it sure feels like SJ made a second deal, paying with his life.

What would motivate the original goods to do all this? Sacrifice his hard-won cultivation and his entire existence in this last-ditch effort?

The memory of YQY’s glitching came to mind.

Holy shit. SY owns the two of them more than he’d ever thought.

After the punishment, SY goes back home. He’s with Binghe, and LBH can tell there’s something troubling him.

“Binghe, there’s something this husband wants to do, and I need your help to do it.”

“Shizun, anything.”

“...But there’s a risk it might hurt you. There’s a risk it might ruin everything. It might be straight-forward, but it also might not be. It’s safer for all of us—but especially you, Binghe—if I just let things be.”

“But it’s not something that Shizun can just let be, is it? Otherwise Shizun wouldn’t have said anything. Binghe is honored to help. Anything to ease Shizun’s mind.”

“...I promised I wouldn’t let you come to harm again, and I meant that. Whatever happens, remember that I am your husband, this is my call, and you must do whatever you need to do to protect yourself, okay? Swear to me, Binghe.”

SQQ begins figuring out how to use Xin Mo to go fetch SJ from the other timeline. He figures that if Bingge could exist in this dimension without destroying the space-time continuum, the same ought to be true for SJ. Only trouble is, he can only go get SJ after SJ’s made the deals, because otherwise it’s a paradox, and he wouldn’t exist.

So SQQ brings home limbless, post-torture!SJ. That’s where the fic starts.

By all accounts, the deals are squared: SJ no longer has cultivation and SJ died in SY’s dimension, so SY successfully exists. SJ and SY can exist in the same space totally fine, and SJ begins healing.

(Currently, the fic is completely from SJ’s POV, and very much about coming to terms with being saved and what the hell is going on in this better world.)

The trouble is, SY doesn’t know what’s going to happen when SJ meets YQY again. SJ very thoroughly declines the offer to go see YQY because part of SJ still believes this whole thing is a trick, and if he goes to see YQY he’ll ruin his end of the bargain and YQY will die again. For SY’s part, he’s afraid of SJ going to see YQY too for similar but opposite reasons—if SJ going to see YQY ruins SJ’s end of the bargain, then wouldn’t that mean SY can no longer exist? Would SY just disappear from this universe?

So we get ragtag group therapy fun times. SJ thinks this is probably all an illusion Xin Mo is tricking him with, so treats everything with scorn but also existential apathy. This actually works to his benefit because he’s not clinging to things as hard, and it’s easier for him to admit, for example, that he was definitely in the wrong for abusing LBH, and yeah he was being a spiteful bitch when he did not need to be.

SY tries to keep LBH away from SJ mostly, because c’mon, he’s not about to make his darling husband face his childhood abuser. He does explain the situation to LBH though, in the same terms that Bingge had (mis)understood it lmfao—that the act of saving LQG’s life had prompted an entire 180 on his personality so he came out of the spirit caves a better man. LBH’s jealous as fuck of course, but damn if that doesn’t explain some things. Given the opportunity to see his old and new Shizun side-by-side, LBH takes it, and really gets a moment to see how horribly he’s been treated by SQQ.

So it actually prompts some therapy between SY and LBH too. LBH used to figure that getting pushed into the Abyss was squared by SQQ sacrificing himself to save him. But ofc it turned out SQQ came back and kept on, in his perspective, trying to get away from him. Trying to leave him behind. SQQ’s tried to treat his abandonment issues by going “okay sorry about that I’ll never leave you behind again” but he’s never really explained it.

SJ’s presence gives Binghe the ability to ask the question again and gives SY an answer: shame and cowardice. They’re able to put SJ’s mistreatment of Binghe right in front of them and SY-as-SQQ gets to explain how much it hurt to look back on that bit of their past, but also how much he feared LBH's retaliation. LBH is a little hurt, but also he remembers how he’d raped SQQ under Xin Mo’s control and, looking at what’s left of SJ now, he sees his own darkest possibilities. He really did destroy the man he loves now in another timeline. That helps him contextualize SY’s fears and why SY chose to push him off the cliff.

LQG crashlands into the middle of this whole party as is his wont. He gets a little fix-it too maybe. SY very staunchly repeats the reason for his personality swap—saving LQG in that cave made him a Better Person™. Meeting the original goods again, LQG is forced to believe it. Or like, it doesn’t really matter to him either way, but now he really does see pre-cave SQQ and post-cave SQQ as two completely different people.

SJ though, has to swallow this really weird pill. He remembers trying to save LQG inside the cave but failing, and then getting blamed for LQG’s death. If he’d succeeded, he and LQG would’ve become...this close?? A life debt between them would’ve changed his outlook on life so much???

Well whatever. Now that he’s put down all his old posturing, he more readily gives his reasons for why LQG gets on his nerves so much: the insufferable confidence (arrogant prick), the skills to back it up (privileged bastard), and a flawless cultivator family with all the money and the training and the pedigree. (Meanwhile SY’s like “oh shit that’s me too hahahahah awkward, good thing he still thinks i’m him so he doesn’t just murder me immediately.)

LQG’s a little weirded out too. SY-as-SQQ is his favorite person in the world, so it’s hard to get angry at SJ-as-SQQ since they’re “the same person.” He’s more willing to talk all this out with SJ and brings up all their old beef on his side too: high-handed snootiness coupled with underhanded dick moves, also the whole sleeping-with-prostitutes thing hurting Cang Qiong’s reputation. Ofc they’re snapping at each other this whole time. “There’s no reason for you to do all that!”

SY intervenes if needed. “Actually there is.” Considering the fact that SJ gets indicted for so many things that actually turn out to be not his fault, SY figures he’ll just get it out there. “Remember Qiu Haitang’s accusations against me? I grew up a slave in that household. I grew up believing it was kill or be killed—it doesn’t make sabotaging others right, but...that’s why the Spirit Caves made such an impression on me. I learned it wasn’t just kill or be killed, I can also save people. It opened my eyes to everything I already had, and everything I should be grateful for.”

This is for both LQG and SJ. And it works, to some degree. SJ knows he managed to claw to the top of privilege, but he still felt horribly insecure there. That’s because, he realizes, he never got the thing that would actually grant him security. It's not power or money or reputation—it’s Qi-ge. Holy hell he misses Qi-ge. In anger and betrayal, he’d pushed YQY continuously out of his life, but when faced with certain death the only regret he actually had was bringing Qi-ge down with him. YQY was meant to have survived, and in this world, he did.

So now, after all that, SJ really, really wants to go see his Qi-ge. It’s nice to have survived (and gotten part of his power back—at the very beginning, SY gives one of SQQ’s eyes to SJ as a bit of his golden core in order to save SJ’s life), but it’s so damn hard to live on in this world knowing YQY is only so far away, still very deeply attached to Xiao Jiu.

They try to Cyrano it at first. SY-as-SQQ goes to YQY with SJ’s voice in his ear, telling SY how to treat YQY as him. YQY is so fucking touched and hopeful, and SY is damn uncomfortable. He goes running back to SJ and says it’s not going to work—it’s not going to work because he’s no longer Qi-ge’s Xiao Jiu. He’s Luo Binghe’s husband, okay? He can’t go back to YQY as SJ.

SJ’s fucking furious at first (what kind of shitty variation of himself saves LQG’s life and then falls out of love with Qi-ge???? bitch?????) but what can he do? LQG tells them YQY’s on his way here and SJ hides for now. They still don’t know what will happen if SJ meets YQY, so SY continues to front as SJ for now.

But during this conversation, something changes. Maybe YQY says something, but SJ realizes he’s actually a little willing to take this chance. If Qi-ge does disappear—easy, he’d just kill himself right after. He’d already experienced Qi-ge’s death twice before, and at least this time, he can follow, knowing he’s at least reconciled with Qi-ge through SY.

And if he disappears on his own, then at least he knows there’s a world in which Qi-ge does not die horribly. That’s enough for him.

That, however, leaves the very last possibility—that SY will disappear. At this point both LQG and LBH have figured this out, and are very, very reluctant to let this be the scenario. They don’t see it as two people, they see it as their version of SQQ vs. YQY’s version of SQQ.

So there’s a little tension, but in the end, SY gets the final choice. As soon as he learns SJ is willing to go see YQY, he chooses that path. He simply owes qijiu too much to deny them the possibility of reconciliation. So despite knowing he might disappear from Binghe and LQG’s life, he makes it happen.

(They should get a very painful goodbye scene.)

SY goes out to explain things. “Zhangmen-shixiong may have noticed my change since my qi deviation and the spirit caves.” “I’m happy Xiao Jiu has a brighter outlook on life.” “Yes, but I think Qi-ge, of all people, might actually prefer how I was before, right?” “If Xiao Jiu’s happy, I’m happy.” “Yes, but Shen Jiu wants you. Is that alright?” “—of course. I want Xiao Jiu too—”

SJ comes out. Everyone holds their breath.

Scene cut.

It’s said that Cang Qiong’s Sect Leader Yue Qingyuan disappeared suddenly one afternoon...

But jk, YQY just ran away with SJ, they’re recuperating in the mountains and everybody’s fine and it’s a happy ending.

#...nice #that's the whole fic planned then #sv fix-it

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one-boring-person · 4 years ago

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Bro, I hope I got this right and that you like it, I'm kinda worried that it's not that great😅 I've never really shown much interest in the 50s, but the research I did looked pretty cool, so I hope this is decent!

Requested by: my good friend @jawline-of-steel 😊💛

What Do You Know About Vampires?

The Lost Boys x reader (set in the 1950s)

Warnings: none

Masterlist

"Why must you always meet with him so late, (Y/n)? Why can't you just have a normal date in the day, like the rest of us?" Kiera complains as we walk down to the Boardwalk, our skirts blowing gently in the cool seabreeze that flows through the town, our neatly styled hair loosening a little from the heat of the warm summer night.

At her question, I roll my eyes, shaking my head at her unwillingness, as well as at her ignorance of the fact that it's not just a "him", but more like a "them".

"Because they have to work during the day, Kiera. Not everyone is as privileged as your Jay is." I remind her, referring to her wealthy husband, Jay, a man everyone knows for his money, rather than his personality.

"Oh, yes, you've told me this before." She rolls her eyes in turn, "What is his job, anyway? You've never said anything about that."

I think for a minute, my brow burrowing as we arrive at our destination, the attraction only just starting to fill up as the sun drops below the horizon, casting the town into twilight, the sky turning a beautiful deep blue. They mentioned it once, when I first met them; I remember being surprised to find out that they all work in the same place, but being unsurprised when they told me what the job actually entailed.

"I think they work as mechanics, somewhere on the outskirts of town." I frown slightly, "I don't remember the name of the workshop, though. All I know is that they bought their motorcycles from the place next door (Note that these are not the same as they are in the movie, but are more decade-appropriate)."

"You keep saying "they". Don't you mean "he"?" Kiera queries, eyeing me suspiciously when I chuckle nervously.

"Well, I mean what I say. It's not a "he", it's a "they"." I clarify, brushing a strand of hair behind my ear as I try not to blush too much, knowing my irrational embarrassment is entirely visible on my face.

She stops abruptly, a hand on my arm as she looks at me in horror.

"You mean...you are in a relationship...With two men?!" She exclaims, blue eyes wide.

I struggle for words for a moment, not entirely sure how to put what I need to say, knowing that she'll find it even more outlandish than what she now thinks.

"Not two people..." I start, thinking through my words.

"Not two? So you're in a relationship with one? And you call him "they"?"

"No, no. What I mean to say, is that I'm in a relationship with four men."

There is silence between us as she stares me down, her mouth falling agape momentarily before she regains her composure, straightening her back as she falls back into step with me, brushing off her skirt as she goes.

"Four?!" Is all she can say, the word hissed out at me as we make our way to the base of the Ferris wheel, walking in and out of the homebound workers in overalls, and their smartly dressed comrades as they filter through the popular summer attraction. A tall man greets us as we move past, the top buttons of his work shirt undone to reveal a patch of tanned skin beneath, the bulging muscles on his arms implying that he works in the construction industry, his dusty overclothes appearing bleached and completely soiled. Beside me, Kiera smiles and laughs flirtatiously as he speaks, her sweet demeanour putting a broad smile on the roughly spoken man's face.

"Yes, I'm in a relationship with four men, who I love dearly, and who love me just as dearly. You know, just the other day one of them told me that they had something very important to ask me." I pause for dramatic effect, "I think they may ask me to marry them!"

"What?! But how?! And what do your parents think?"

At this, I pull a face and look away slightly, a little annoyed that she isn't happy for me.

"In the same manner that everyone gets married, Kiera, it is no unusual affair. And as for my parents," I roll my eyes, knowing exactly what they'll say when they find out, "I value their opinions, but they are sometimes old fashioned in their attitudes. They will hopefully come around quickly once they have met them."

Kiera doesn't reply immediately, an uneasy frown on her face as we reach our destination, the two of us stopping by the great struts of the Ferris wheel in silence.

"I'm happy for you, (Y/n), I really am, but I'm not sure I can quite understand how you manage to maintain a relationship with four men. I find that one is quite enough." She laughs dryly, referring to the hardships she often faces with Jay.

"It works well, thank you." I decide to leave the conversation there, unwilling to keep going, "Is Jay meeting us here, too?"

"Yeah, he should be here in a few minutes." She looks around at the crowd, "He's coming straight from one of his car competitions."

"Oh? Where is it this time?"

"I don't know, he told me earlier, but the names all sound the same to me, so I easily forgot it."

We laugh at this, knowing it to be true.

"You two ladies having fun there?" A familiar, smooth voice interrupts us, the tone teasing as it always is.

Together, Kiera and I turn around to face the newcomers, a smile quickly spreading over my face as I see the four bikers standing there, the lapels of their jackets and shirts turned up against the breeze, their usually neat hair dishevelled from the ride over.

"Oh, plenty, thank you. And you boys?" I reply playfully, letting my eyes roam over their masculine figures, very much enjoying the sight of them.

"All the more that we are here now." David smirks, stepping forwards to kiss my cheek in greeting, letting his lips linger a second or so longer than necessary as I breathe in the brief wave of motor oil and sweat, as well as leather and cologne.

"I'm glad." I smile, letting the other boys do the same as I turn around to face Kiera again, "Kiera, I'd like you to meet David, Dwayne, Marko and Paul."

In turn, each of the boys smirks and gives a wave of their own, Kiera politely greeting them as she struggles to process what she's seeing.

Thankfully, Jay chooses this moment to arrive, the short man running up to us with a call of our names, smiling widely as he takes Kiera around the waist and kisses her, a deep blush appearing on her cheeks as she reciprocates it. Upon seeing this, Paul steps forwards and places an arm around my waist, pulling me against his body as Marko steps up and does the same on the other side, David and Dwayne moving to stand beside their comrades, smiling genially.

Jay eventually pulls away from Kiera, only to double-take when he sees the five of us as we are, a variety of emotions flitting over his features before he settles on a neutral one.

"Hey, (Y/n), how are you?" The young man eventually manages.

"I'm good, Jay. How about you?"

"Good, good, thank you." He responds, staring at the bikers behind me, taking in the grease-stained leather jackets and rolled up trouser legs, enviously eyeing their boots as he compares them with his own smart shoes, evidently wishing he'd dressed differently.

"Jay, this is David, Dwayne, Marko and...Paul, was it?" Kiera steps in, looping her arm through her husband's, watching as he tenses slightly, almost as if shying away from her touch.

The four bikers smile and shake hands with Jay, each of them standing a good head taller than the refined man, a triumphant smirk creeping onto Marko's face when he realises this.

"Well, what's the plan?" I ask them, open to any ideas of how to spend the night.

"I want to go on the Ferris wheel, because it looks very romantic. I think you could benefit from that, Jay." Kiera interjects, smiling playfully up at her husband, though he only grunts and rolls his eyes.

"The Ferris wheel it is. Let's go!" Dwayne chips in, pushing Mark and Paul out of the way as he takes my arm and gently leads me over to the queue to get on, where he carefully wraps his arm around my smaller body, pulling me against him. The others are quick to join us, Paul pouting as he watches Dwayne hold me, David only laughing as he pulls a cigarette out of his pocket, sticking it behind his ear as he searches for his lighter, moving it from his blonde hair before he lights it.

"You got a spare?" Jay asks quickly, leaning forwards a bit as he waits for David's response.

"Sure." The blonde confirms, shrugging as he finds another cigarette and lights it for him, handing it over when it starts to smoke.

"Thanks."

"No problem."

The queue moves slowly, but the boys manage to keep us entertained as we wait, making the time feel much shorter as we laugh our way through the snaking line of people. When we finally manage to get on, we find that we have to split up into five separate pairs, plus one of us who will remain alone, so Paul, Marko and David choose to stay at the bottom, watching ad Dwayne and I settle into a seat together, the brunette throwing his arm around my shoulders as we go. Before we leave the ground, I just about catch the other three discussing something, though I only hear a couple of sentences.

"Are you going to tell her tonight?" Marko asks David, voice sounding curious.

"I think so." Is the reply, before Dwayne and I are too high to hear any more.

Two hours pass, the seven of us having a relatively good time together, despite the awkwardness between Jay and the boys, before Kiera and the former decide to call it a night, leaving the rest of us to keep ourselves entertained. By now, the Boardwalk is a little less busy than it usually is, meaning we can walk pretty much unhindered around the different stalls lining the road misreading towards their parked bikes. Already, they have offered to give me a ride home, though I have declined, knowing my parents' distrust of boys and men around me, willing to walk home in any case. Of course, they can't let this happen, and have insisted that they at least give me a ride to the end of the road I live on, but not before they tell me something important.

Curious, I let them lead me onto the beach, David keeping an arm wrapped around my waist as he guides me onto the sand, the pressure feeling reassuring but unfamiliar, as if he's trying to keep me calm. We go a few steps away from the edge of the Boardwalk, making sure that we are out of earshot but still within the light, coming to a stop just on the edge of it.

"What is it that you want to tell me?" I ask, frowning slightly as the others crowd around me, as if trying to stop me from going somewhere.

"Well, (Y/n), we think that you've earned our trust, so we think that we can tell you our deepest, darkest secret. But before I tell you what it is, I need you to swear yourself to secrecy. No one can know about what I'm going to tell you. No one." David starts, giving me a serious look instead of his usual teasing one, blue eyes cold in the harsh light.

"I swear?" I say, looking at him in confusion. What could he possibly need to tell me, that's so secret?

"No, you need to mean it. Swear you won't tell a soul." He almost growls, shaking his head.

"Ok, I swear I won't tell anyone what you're about to tell me." I repeat, trying not to roll my eyes.

"Ok that will do." He pauses briefly, exchanging a look with the others, "What do you know about vampires, (Y/n)?"

Shocked and confused, I frown as I regard the blonde in front of me, wondering if he's maybe inhaled a few too many fumes at work today.

"Vampires?"

"Yes, vampires. What do you know about them?"

It takes me a few seconds to reply, needing to collect my thoughts.

"I know that they don't exist." I say with conviction, eyeing him carefully. Surprisingly, the four of them chuckle quietly, obviously expecting the answer from me.

"And that, my dear (Y/n), is where you are wrong."

#the lost boys #joel schumacher #vampire #david(thelostboys)#kiefer sutherland #paul(the lost boys)#dwayne(the lost boys)#santa carla #marko(the lost boys)#star(the lost boys)

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that-crazy-five-foot-two-chick · 4 years ago

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I've been so excited to write for the Mystic Messenger Reverse Big Bang 2021 (go check out other amazing fics and art in the collection at @mysme-rbb), and it's the first fanfic/art event I've participated in! @madiebelleadventures and I teamed up to brainstorm this beast, so her art is at the very end (because I ain't spoilin nothin)!

Rating: T

Word Count: 5.1k

Summary: One day after the end of a work week, Vanderwood surprises MC with some husband-wife baking time—with a twist. Inspired by his agent training, he suggests that they bake as a team but have MC blindfolded. In order to make a cake that's actually edible, she must follow his directions to the letter. All that's left after that is chaos, banter, and spouse-flustering. And figuring out how to actually make a cake.

A/N: Fyi MC is definitely more of her own character than a reader-insert on this one. Also as per usual with me, I headcanon Vanderwood as British, so I tried heavily to align his phrasing accordingly, despite being an American myself. Enjoy seeing exactly how much fluff I can possibly cram into 5k words!

MC sighed happily at the feeling of the wind in her hair as she drove home from work one Friday evening. Windows down, jacket off, music blasting—the air itself felt like freedom. She had nothing against her job—in fact, she enjoyed it for the most part. She prided herself in a job well done, she liked being able to manage a team of her own, and the paycheck and benefits were good. Nothing extravagant, of course, but enough to comfortably support a couple newlyweds.

And that was the real reason MC nearly jumped out the door every day when everything wrapped up at the office. Who wouldn't, with a husband as unfairly hot as Vanderwood? Completely unfair how he could make leopard print and what was practically a mullet actually look attractive. Thank goodness his fashion sense had mellowed out over time, if only a little bit. With Vanderwood's past being what it was, they had mutually come to the conclusion that it would be best for their well-being if he stayed at their apartment during the day to keep the household running. He was very particular about how he cooked, cleaned, and did the laundry, and he handled their finances conscientiously and precisely. Admittedly, she did have to occasionally remind him that as sleek as that new top-of-the-line taser was, there was no real need for it, but that was just part of her husband's charm.

And boy, was he charming.

She truly couldn't wait to get home, past this rush hour traffic. She'd get home and be pulled in for a deep kiss moments after walking in the door. Maybe he'd slip a gentle but insistent hand into her hair. Maybe they'd take it a little further. Or a lot further.

"HOLY FUDGE NUGGETS ON BACON ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME???"

MC swerved to avoid a collision and waited for her heartbeat to settle down again. There was no freaking way she was going to die in some stupid car wreck before their date tonight. A surprise, he'd said. No matter how hard she'd tried to weasel more out of him, he wouldn’t bend. Darn agent training. Good thing it wouldn't be a surprise for much longer. Within minutes, the streets got smaller and quieter as she neared her apartment building. Another minute, and she flung open the apartment door and leapt on her husband.

MC's fantasies were soon replaced by an even better reality when Vanderwood's lips landed on hers. Kissing back enthusiastically, MC wrapped her arms around his middle so tight that a less sturdy man would be coughing for air. Vanderwood snatched her keys and purse and hung them by the doorway, never breaking his focus for a second. His kisses grew slower, but no less fervent, as he smoothed her wind-strewn hair. Eventually, their lips reluctantly parted, and MC broke the silence.

"How did I manage to snag the best kisser on earth on top of marrying the most insanely attractive man on earth?"

Vanderwood smirked. "Good taste, I guess." He kissed her once more soundly for good measure.

"Maybe. Will my insanely attractive husband tell me what our surprise date is now?"

"Perhaps."

"No perhapses! I've been dying waiting!"

"Very well. Start by changing your clothes, because I am not scrubbing stains out of your good work clothes."

"Do I otherwise have to wear anything in particular? That's not a lot to go off of."

"Doesn't matter to me. Now go change before I do the job myself."

"I wouldn't complain."

"This is not that kind of date! Go!"

"Fine, Sir Panties-in-a-bunch."

MC went to the bedroom and took stock of her clothing options. She had to choose something practical that could be easily washed, but she still wanted to look a little cute. After all, it was a date. It was a tough balance to strike. Eh, she could always stick an apron or an old shirt over it. She grabbed her oversized paint shirt just in case before snagging a light pink shirt. Now for the bottoms. She debated on a simple skirt, but decided to go for it. After all, if it didn't fit with Vanderwood's plans, he would tell her. MC changed quickly and weaved her hair into a side braid, slipping a tendril out on each side to frame her face. Mirror-MC nodded in approval. Time to see what on earth her husband had been planning.

She cracked open the door and peeked through before skipping over to Vanderwood, who had made himself comfortable on the couch. His amber eyes widened in interest.

"You have no business looking this pretty for a baking date."

MC grinned. "Ha! I did get it out of you! A baking date sounds cute. What made you think of that? Are you just really getting into the whole house husband gig?"

"It was my agent training, actually." Seeing the puzzled look on his wife's face, Vanderwood continued, "There's a bit of a twist to it, you see. I will hardly be doing any of the actual baking. You, my dear, on the other hand, will be completely blindfolded. You will have to follow my instructions explicitly, or else the result will be completely inedible."

"I still fail to see how the setup doesn't sound like 'that kind of date', but it sounds like fun! What does this have to do with your agent training, though?"

"Various exercises used similar techniques. Many times in the field, we had to follow orders to the letter with no questions asked if we wanted to make it out in one piece. We also did training to be able to operate blindly or in the dark if our vision was compromised. But none of it was as enjoyable as watching a beautiful woman bake a cake by pure trust."

"You're such a flatterer. Keep it coming," MC smirked.

"At least get into the kitchen first," Vanderwood said, handing her a blindfold that looked suspiciously like his nap mask.

"Okay, but if you don't want me in the kitchen until I'm blindfolded, you're gonna have to get my apron yourself."

"I thought I was the one giving out orders tonight?"

"A girl's gotta get her kicks somewhere."

"Such a docile wife I have. Never difficult, never demanding."

"You think it's sexy. Don't even try to deny it."

"I would have filed for immediate divorce if the description 'docile' actually fit you." He stepped into the kitchen and emerged a moment later with the apron. MC slipped it on and, after ducking briefly into the bathroom to wash her hands, covered her eyes with the blindfold.

"I'm at your mercy now. Don't abuse that privilege."

He materialized behind her, winding his arms around her waist. "I wouldn't dream of it," he murmured into her ear before attacking her stomach. MC burst into uncontrollable giggles.

"I swear—!" she giggled "—I swear I'm going to punch the living daylights out of you!"

"You're certainly welcome to try. You know I wouldn't even feel it."

"But I could try. How am I supposed to trust you to give me decent directions to bake whatever the heck we're making if I can't even trust you not to tickle me?"

"You don't. That's the thrill of it."

"You'd better have me make something actually edible for all our trouble."

"That all depends on how well you follow my instructions."

"And how decent your instructions are. Let's not forget that tiny detail," she reminded.

"Hmm, we'll see," The smile was evident in his voice. "Now if we're going to start, we need to go ahead and do it."

"Probably."

He guided MC by her upper arms into the narrow kitchen.

"Fortunately," he said, halting and holding her in place, "we're only baking a cake and not an entire meal, so it won't take an eternity."

"I sure hope not! It's pizza night and I'm already a little hungry!"

He wound his hands around his wife's waist, lightly patting her stomach. "Well, the faster we start, the faster we can eat. I've already laid everything out for you as best I can, so you just have to follow my directions, all right, love?"

"Got it."

"All right, can you feel the worktop?" A nod. "Raise your right hand just a bit...and over…now grab the box with the cake mix, because heaven knows neither of us knows or cares enough to make it from scratch. Got it? Now open it up. The mixing bowl is straight to the left. Go ahead and pour it in."

"Just so you know, if I spill anything, you're the one taking responsibility."

"And why is that, darling?" Vanderwood asked, feigning shock.

"Because you're the one who had this idea in the first place! Not to mention if I make a mess it’s because of your faulty directions."

Unfortunately, MC failed to prove her point, pouring the mix into the bowl and barely spilling a few crumbs.

"Looks like we may not have to worry about that," Vanderwood smirked.

"You have met me, right? You know something's going to get spilled, right?"

Ignoring her, he moved the empty box toward the back and continued, "The milk should be right around where the cake mix was, if you can remember where you just were. The measuring jug is right next to it. Do you think you can pour it in correctly?"

"We'll see, now won't we?"

"There you go. Just try to take it slowly, just in case, and stop when I say so."

MC obeyed, gradually tilting the milk jug until a thin stream hit the center of the measuring cup.

"Brilliant! Now careful, careful, slightly to the left...that's it! Now slow down...almost done...stop!" He kissed her cheek. "That was amazing. Now pour it into the bowl."

MC felt around for the mixing bowl again. She managed to find it and poured in the milk. "Where's the cap for the milk jug?"

"Hm...where did it go? Oh, there it is. Right by the sink."

She batted at the air around her right side to find the inside of the sink. Instead, her hand bumped the side of the milk jug. Vanderwood's hand shot out to catch it, but a small puddle had already sloshed onto the counter. MC's hand shot up to take off the blindfold, but Vanderwood caught her wrist first. She sighed.

"Vandy, give it to me straight. How bad is it?"

"Not bad at all. I caught it before much got out. Stay put for a moment while I wipe it up so it doesn't start to smell or dry up."

"Not to say I told you, but I definitely told you."

Her husband stuck out his tongue at her—one of the few ways he had begun to let himself be childish lately. Then the obvious dawned on him. "I'm sticking out my tongue. I thought you ought to know that."

"Crucial information. Are you done yet?"

"Yep. You ready to get your hands a little dirty?"

"Isn't that expected in all this?"

"That's probably a large part of why you demanded an apron first, yes."

"You would be right about that, also yes. And you're so dramatic. I did not demand."

"Up to interpretation. Reach up to the left of the mixing bowl and just grab it off the plate and toss it in."

As instructed, MC reached over and let out a tiny shriek when her hand came into contact with the soft butter. Vanderwood guffawed.

"I was waiting for that."

MC gasped. "You did this on purpose!" She flung the butter into the bowl with an extra dash of vindictiveness.

"Maybe so. I like hearing your reactions," he purred.

"Don't try to be all smooth when you're being a twit. It doesn't suit you," MC sniffed, then muttered under her breath, "actually it totally works for you but it doesn't make me less ticked at you."

"By the way, don't bother trying to wash your hands just yet. The next part is probably going to be the messiest. I'll go get the bin so it'll be close by for you."

"Appreciated. What's the next part?"

"Eggs."

"Yikes, okay. That's why I needed the trash can, then. And where are the eggs?"

"To your left. You're going to need four of them. I read somewhere that adding an extra egg makes it better, hypothetically."

"You're the one giving the instructions."

"Alright, the bin is to your left, whenever you're ready."

"I could hear the thunk when you set it down, but thank you," MC said wryly.

"I live to serve."

There was silence for a moment as MC cracked the first egg into the bowl, and a soft smile rose on her face like the dawn. "Not anymore, you don't. I thank God every day that you and Saeyoung were able to free yourselves from the agency. I never could have forgotten you even if you hadn't, but I never would have known the immense joy I've gotten to have by being your wife." She sniffed, then laughed. "Sorry for being so sentimental all of a sudden, I don't know what got into me. It's just that knowing how many things could have gotten between us makes me that much more grateful for what we have."

"Ah!" Vanderwood shot a hand out to correct the second egg's trajectory into the mixing bowl.

"Oops, thank you."

"No problem, love. We're a team." He settled against her back, rubbing her arms lightly and placing a tender kiss on her cheek. "And never feel sorry for your so-called sentimentality. In fact, I really think you hold back sometimes. You shouldn't. I know that I used to scoff at these things, but locking out your emotions for job after job really takes a toll on a man. The agency had no room for love of any sort, and I've long come to the realization that every person is hardwired to desire love of one kind or another. I know I'm still unlearning all of my coping mechanisms, and I know I'm still sharp with some people, but with you?" He smoothed a hair back from her face. "I'll take whatever love you can give me."

She cracked the third egg into the bowl and threw out the shell. "I always knew you could be a softie, very deep down. I'm just glad that I get to be the one to see it."

After the fourth egg was in the bowl, Vanderwood directed, "Okay, time to wash up. The next thing is mixing for two minutes. While I love you, I do not trust you to use an electric mixer while blindfolded, so you're going to use a whisk for that job."

"I suppose that's fair. Can you put away the trash can while I wash my hands?"

"Already on it."

"Where's the whisk, again?"

"I kind of put it toward the back, so either be careful or wait for me to move a few things."

"Oh, I've got it. Don't worry," MC waved a hand in dismissal and groped around for the whisk, but her arm was a bit too low, and she dipped her clothed elbow in the plate where the butter had been. She sighed. "What did I just decorate my elbow with?"

"Butter. Try it. It might be tasty," he teased.

"Come on, Vandy, this is not the time. Help me get it off before it soaks in too much."

"Alright, alright, I just had to pick on you a little bit for not listening to me." He carefully scooped off the top layer of the butter with a paper towel before trying to absorb the rest. "I'm going to roll up your sleeves a bit more so that this hopefully won't happen again."

"Well, not until I slosh half the cake out of this bowl trying and failing to mix it."

"You'll be fine. Just stick to mixing the center and bringing the outside of it toward the center so everything gets mixed. But mix it well and mix it fast. The timer starts...now!"

MC held the bowl against her stomach to steady it while she mixed the batter vigorously. "Easy for you to say. You're not the one trying to mix furiously while keeping it all in the bowl on top of being blindfolded!"

"Calm down, you're doing great. A couple drips, maybe, but it's staying in."

"So far, anyway. But that's good, I guess."

"No guessing. It's quite good." Vanderwood leaned against the counter. "We've got a minute and a half to kill. Should I spend it telling you how you look right now?"

"Oh gosh, do I even want to know?"

He shook his head in near disbelief, smiling. "Magnetic. Adorable. More delicious than the cake we're making."

MC cackled. "You cannot be serious. I've got to be a mess right now."

"You act as if that's a contradiction. It's the mess that makes you more beautiful. Is every single hair of yours in place? No. But they fall around your face in the most delicately beautiful way. Even the places where the ingredients got smudged on you somehow add to your charm." He leaned in so that his lips touched her ear, his voice lowering to a gravelly timbre. "Did you know that your cheeks are all rosy from the effort you're putting into stirring? It's unbelievably attractive. And the way your lips press together when you're concentrating? It makes me want to kiss them apart. In fact—"

"Vanderwood, how much time is left?" MC interrupted, suppressing a vivid blush and a shiver.

"Our entire lives," he said, happily ignoring the real question.

"The timer, Vanderwood. How much is left on the timer?"

The sound of the timer going off answered the question for him. "None," he grinned. "I'll go spray the cake pan while you rest for a moment. You've earned it."

She exhaled, set the mixing bowl aside, and stretched. Then a thought made her panic. "Vandy, we forgot to preheat the oven."

He held her face in his hands. "MC. Darling. Breathe. I set the oven when I grabbed the apron."

Her breathing gradually slowed. "Sorry, love. I'm just really hungry and kind of tired and I think not being able to see is doing weird things to my brain and you kind of flustered me a minute ago with what you were saying and I'm sorry, I—" her voice cracked, but Vanderwood cut her off and held her close.

"Hey...hey...you're alright. There's nothing to be sorry about. I kept you going after a long day of work without feeding you first. I should have known better." He smoothed her hair and tucked it into her braid. "I'll tell you what. How about we get this cake in the oven and then order some pizza and watch another episode of Cucumber Fish?"

MC sniffled and hummed in agreement. Vanderwood loosened his hold around her and gently brought her hands to the bowl again before grabbing the cake pan. "Okay, all you've got to do now is pour it into the pan that I've put just to the left of the bowl. Just take it nice and easy. There you go. Perfect. You're almost done. Now let me get a spatula to scoop the last of it out." After he finished, he slid the cake pan into the oven and started the timer. "There. All done." He slipped the mask off her eyes and gave her a peck on the lips as she blinked to adjust to the light. "I'll clean all this up, alright? Go ahead and relax on the sofa. You can order the pizza and get Cucumber Fish queued up while I finish up in here."

"Okay," she murmured. Another peck, and she curled up on the couch. She pulled out her phone to order the pizza and smiled at the notifications she'd gotten from the RFA chatroom. They were up to their normal antics again. Hopefully, Saeyoung wouldn't exasperate Saeran too much with his crazy propositions. But there was nothing she could do about that, and she was starving and in desperate need of pizza. Once it was ordered, she turned on the TV and selected the episode, making sure to let it run past the ads before pausing it.

After Vanderwood joined her on the couch, the next forty-five minutes was filled with lots of cuddling and pizza devouring, more kissing than watching the show, a few glances at the cake's progress, an agreement to actually watch the episode while they ate the cake, and several minutes of cooling time after the cake was removed from the oven. Vanderwood emerged from the kitchen after a few minutes of setting up to decorate.

"Are you sure you want to put on the mask again?" he asked. "I don't want it to mess with your head like it did last time."

"I'll be fine, babe. I'm pretty sure it was like that last time just because I was starving."

"Are you positive?"

"Yes."

"If you say so. Go ahead and get them on, then," he said, handing MC the apron and mask.

"Just make sure to lead me into the kitchen again."

"Hmm, we'll see."

"We'll see?" she repeated, but shrieked soon after when she no longer felt the ground beneath her feet. Vanderwood had scooped her up to carry her into the kitchen bridal-style and sank his lips against hers with intentionality. He bumped into the counter but managed to avoid any damage to his wife. He deposited one last kiss on her lips before setting her down.

"What have you done to me, woman? Years and years of agent skills, undone in a moment. If it were anything or anyone else, I never would have bumped into that worktop. But when it's you kissing me, you're the only thing that exists." He grinned. "It's a shame, really. I thought my dexterity was an impressive skill, but I don't even have that anymore, it seems."

"Shame indeed," MC parroted, trying to steal another kiss from his lips and stealing one from his nostrils instead. She made a face, causing Vanderwood to laugh.

"Well, at least I still have the ability to order you around." MC smacked him in response, and he continued, "Alright, alright, let's get to it then. This is where it'll get really interesting, since decorating requires more precision. Which, no offense, is a skill you don't have, since you're not exactly used to being blind."

"Now wait just a—okay, I can't argue that," MC sighed. He placed a spatula in one hand and a jar of frosting in her other.

"Turn around. Can you find where the cake is?"

"Ye—wait, Vandy! I thought you said you cleaned up!"

"I did…sort of." Before she could protest, he interjected, "I wiped the worktop! I just pushed all the dishes to one side so we could put all of it in the dishwasher at once when we were done!" He added with a mumble, "I just wanted to get back to you."

"You think you can charm your way out of anything," MC responded airily. "Well, you're right." She squared up as best she could with a frosting jar in hand. "I found the cake. I'll try to do my best."

"Well, in this part, I won't let you go completely solo. I can rotate the cake for you as you go, if you want."

"Please."

MC scooped a large helping of frosting from the jar and started spreading around the perimeter. Her spatula made a slight detour for a moment to donate some frosting to the top of the cake, and Vanderwood halted and reversed his rotation slightly to avoid confusion. A few seconds later, she went for another, slightly smaller, scoop to finish frosting the circumference of the cake. Another scoop, added to the deposit from the first, finished off the top.

"Is there a big corner around the top edge? Or any dry spots?" she asked.

"Just a slight corner. Grab a little bit more frosting to round it off a bit and thicken the top."

She did as directed while he helped rotate, and stepped back. "Better?"

"Much better. Maybe we can add a little artistic touch by making some...what do you call them? Swoops? Around the sides from the top?"

"Sounds great. You're definitely going to have to help me, though."

"Alright, I'll rotate again and stop you when you're done. Then you can smooth off the top edge again quick."

Six slightly lopsided arcs later, he stepped back for a moment, observing. "This is certainly not the prettiest cake I've seen, but it all adds to the fun, yeah?"

"I guess," she laughed.

"Now here's the part that'll really get a laugh when you take off the blindfold. I've got a bowl over here with some frosting for smaller decorating, and you get to pick the food coloring that goes in it."

"Oh no."

"Oh yes," he snickered while guiding her over to a trio of colored bottles that she couldn't discern. "Take your pick," he said cheerily. MC gingerly selected one, and he suppressed a snort poorly. "Excellent choice!"

MC groaned. "I'm going to regret all my life choices, aren't I?"

"Of course not! Only your decision to marry me."

"Hey." She squeezed his wrist. "I could never regret that."

"You might reevaluate that statement when you take off the blindfold and see the cake. Or at least my ugly mug."

"Vanderwood. Don't you even start with me. You're so hot that if we were working with chocolate instead of a cake, we wouldn't need the microwave to melt it."

"You're so hot that the beach would need sunblock instead of you."

"You're so hot that the sun goes to you when it needs to warm up."

They collapsed against each other, gasping for air. Vanderwood caught his breath first. "Let's get this food coloring in the bowl, shall we? The spoon and frosting are already in it. All you have to do is put a few drops in and stir until I say so. The bowl's on your left."

"As you wish," she said as she did so.

After a few moments, he spoke. "That's enough. Let me get you back over to the cake, and I'll get the frosting in the decorating bag. Which is really just an ordinary plastic bag, but I did pick up some cheap decorating tips when I got the ingredients."

"Splendid. How am I going to decorate, though? Even if I could see, I don't know the first thing about cake decorating. Oh yeah, and I can't see."

"Don't get your 'panties in a bunch,' as you like to tell me so often. I'll do it with you this time."

"But you don't know how to decorate cakes, either!"

"Ah-ah-ah!” he chided. “Do you trust me or not?"

"Not particularly."

"Hey!"

"But! We should just go ahead and do it anyway, because even though neither of us knows what we're doing, we're the only ones in this apartment who can. And the frosting smells too good not to eat soon."

"That's my girl." Vanderwood curled around her. He molded one hand around hers and slid the other over her stomach. As they formed a few swirls on the top, he murmured, "We did this whole thing together. How impressive is that? Was it as fun for you as it was for me?"

MC smiled. "Of course it was. I know I got a little hangry for a bit there, but I know how much thought you put into this. None of my old deadbeat ex-boyfriends ever would have cared so much, let alone shown it. These are the things that make me love you that much more."

"I never experienced any permanent love until you showed it to me. And it's been so...world-altering—that I've been trying to wrap my head around it ever since. I still can't. But I swear I'm going to spend the rest of my life trying to give you the same love you've given me. I certainly don't deserve it, after the things I've done. But you do. You deserve all the happiness a person can have."

MC paused and blushed slightly. "Vandy…" She exhaled. "We've gone over this whole 'not deserving it' thing. Whether you deserve it or not doesn't matter. To me, what matters is your heart. You have such a beautiful heart, Vandy. I love the kind of man you've become. I've seen you strive every day to be better than you were the day before, and that is so inspiring."

"Well, whether or not I deserve happiness, I would choose to be happy every day if my being happy made you happy." He squeezed her hip affectionately and pulled her in for a tender kiss.

"It would." She kissed him back. They added one last swirl and a border before they set down the bag of frosting. He uncurled her fingers and fiddled with her wedding ring.

"Are you ready to see it?"

"Sure."

He slipped off the blindfold, and she gasped.

"What have we done?" she exclaimed as her laughing grew louder by the second.

"Whatever do you mean, dear?" Vanderwood asked, feigning ignorance.

"The cake is bright flaming orange, Vandy!" She let out a snort, then covered her face. "Hey, wait! All the food coloring was the same color too, you little twit!"

He shrugged innocently. MC sputtered. "Nuh-uh. Don't you shrug at me, mister. Saeyoung has rubbed off on you way too much."

"Has not."

She crossed her arms and raised an eyebrow.

"Okay, maybe the tiniest bit."

"Uh huh, that's what I thought. Now are you as ready as I am to eat this cake and watch Cucumber Fish?"

"Let me take a picture first. And another one with you in it? You look so lovely, I can't not have one with you in it."

She tried desperately to keep a frown on her face as he snapped a picture but couldn't quite hold back the quirk at the corner of her mouth. He cut a slice for each of them and handed one to her. He curled the paper plate around his slice, and she did likewise. They looked each other in the eyes, both knowing exactly what would come next. Vanderwood solidified his stance. "Ready...steady...GO!" The couple raced to the living room and took a running jump onto the couch, ready for the wonderful night ahead.

#mysmerbb #mystic messenger #mysme #mysme vanderwood #vanderwood x mc #my writing #my fic #mysme fic #collab #art collab

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fake-wizard · 4 years ago

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How did you become a trans terf? This is really interesting!

Thank you for this question because I can now delay watching my lectures for like 30 min.

I got tumblr my freshman year, started my deep dive into the realm of tumblr’s lgbtqianpd+++ stuff. I did a bunch of ace discourse as an “inclusionist” then as an “exclusionist”, started iding as nonbinary demiboy, ace/aro, he/they, got a binder i think during the winter of my sophomore year and came out to a couple friends as nb. Went more towards ftm. Started dating my current boyfriend winter of my junior year, told him I was id’ing as ftm (he’s bisexual, didn’t matter) and the rest of my friends, changed my name and pronouns socially. Start of my senior year I told my family and had them change pronouns and name as well. My bday is in October, so turned 18 and was going to start testosterone.

By the winter of that year however, I had been hate-reading a lot of “terf” blogs. And what I found was that I could not argue against what they were saying. I was experiencing a lot of cognitive dissonance about it all, repeating the same mantras but knowing they didn’t quite add up.

Specifically about: If sexuality is based on an internal sense of gender, how can you be attracted to anyone until they tell you what gender they are? If a lesbian sees a woman and she says “i’m ftm” does that mean the lesbian is now a bisexual because they were “attracted to a man” or is a switch supposed to flip and they stop being attracted? If sexism is based on “being perceived as a woman/passing as a woman” then why do butches who pass as men still experience sexism? If being gay is about “being perceived as gay in society” then wouldn’t that make all the homosexual couples historically who passed as hetero for safety suddenly become actual literal heteros? If transmen have male privilege, why are they not represented in politics, are targetted for sexual abuse by straight men, and need access to abortion just like women do? If transwomen don’t have male privilege, why are they the main voices of the movement? They can reap all the benefits of a male life for 50 years, and then suddenly none of that mattered? If me and my boyfriend’s relationship is “gay” now that i id’d as ftm, how come we could legally get married and adopt in any country in the world? I was raised being told I Should like and date men, I never once believed my attraction to men was a sin, and gay men experience the Exact Opposite, so how could we both possibly be gay men? Why do transwomen have male patterns of violence? Why have I only ever heard of stories of transwomen abusing transmen, and not the other way around? Is it possible to only be attracted to the same sex? To say no is to say that it’s possible for all women to like dick, which is obviously fucked up. What is so different about a man and a transwoman that means a lesbian is supposed ot like the latter? Why can’t anybody define women? first woman, then female, then afab, the goalpost kept moving. What is there to being a woman besides being female, isn’t all that extra stuff just stereotypes? When my sister is distressed with her body and denied herself food, or I cut myself, that’s a bad thing because it hurts your body, but hrt and a mastectomy hurt your body, they even risk killing you, but that’s okay? I took a sociology class and it’s clear socialization effects behavior - but somehow magically trans people grow up uneffected by it? If socialization can influence women to wear makeup, dress, and act in specific ways that arent’ innate, and cause higher rates of eating disorders, couldn’t it effect dysphoria as well?

And so much more!!!

And that’s only on the trans side - I also had my eyes opened to the horrors of pornography and prostitution, the rates of domestic violence, and all the other terrible sex-based oppression that women are subjected to globally. There is so much more to being a radfem than the trans issues too.

So for two years (winter of my senior year to winter of my college’s high school year) I decided not to transition. I engaged with radfem tumblr and talked about all these things with my female friends in person as well, it was like getting a huge weight off my shoulders too. And it really did help lessen my dysphoria to an extent. I came up with a long list of coping mechanisms to employ for dysphoria as well.

But by this february, I was just so tired of that. I still supported everything I say about radical feminism, about sex based oppression, protecting homosexuals, and the dangers of medical transition. But dysphoria is just this constant painful presence day in and day out, and I pursued medical transition in february. I applaud every woman who chooses not to transition, and ultimately view transitioning as giving in, because I can no longer be a role model to young dysphoric women, who shows them that you don’t need to transition.

At this point, I love my body more than ever and I can’t imagine regretting these changes really. I will miss connecting with women the way I used to, especially as a woman in science, but the women in my life from before transition will always see me as one of them still, and I appreciate that.

The way I see it, words don’t hurt me at all, they are immaterial, and as a scientist I value coherent definitions, and I understand the realities of sex. So my goal with transition is to pass as male in society and to alter the parts of my body that bring me distress - I know i’m not literally male. And I think all trans people need to get to the point where they understand that, it really helps mentally.

And I’ll always think, maybe if i had different friends (half of my friends understand, half think i am or would think i am an evil terf) or was dating a woman instead of a man (i’m bisexual, thought i was hetero in highschool (but called myself a gay man lmao), and dating someone with the same body seems like a big deal in handling dysphoria), if i tried harder with my coping mechanisms, if I saw a therapist who understood all this and didn’t just encourage me to do whatever I wanted, maybe i wouldn’t be transitioning. But I’m happy now, so that’s what I focus on as mattering to me, and that’s what I want to pursue.

I do caution others from doing the same though.

Also tangent at the end here, I call myself “trans” because I’m medically transitioned. To me, “cis v trans” makes no sense and is sexist. But “dysphoric vs not dysphoric” or “medically transitioned vs not medically transitioned” make more sense to me.

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army-of-mai-lovers · 4 years ago

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hello arthur!! tbh people are being terrible in your inbox and the last ask killed my brain cells so this is your free bingo card to talk about anything you like. also sometimes googling sharks with human teeth (exactly what it sounds like) helps!! much love <3

oh my gosh I’m OBSESSED with these photos they’re so cute!!!! and thank you for the bingo card Effie I appreciate it so much. I’m gonna rant about Deadly Class (a show I definitely don’t like and thus don’t run a fan blog for....smh) bc it’s on my mind and it looks like it’s just going to go quietly into that good night instead of being made fun of and dissected and I think that should change bc goodness gracious that show does not deserve a dignified death. also I’m gonna put this rant under a readmore bc this is gonna be long and it has nothing to do w atla. warnings for discussions of racism, callous mentions of murder and death, swearing, discussion of Nazis, discussion of gore, abuse ment

Okay so for those not in the know (which is probably everyone considering the show was on Syfy and it’s being canceled due to low viewership) Deadly Class is a teen murder drama set in the late ‘80s starring Lana Condor, which makes it sound like it was engineered in a lab to appeal to me. Literally my friend and I were in the middle of watching Schitt’s Creek, which I adore, and she was like “well I heard about this show called Deadly Class” and described it and I was like fuck Schitt’s Creek we’re watching this. It had a 64% on Rotten Tomatoes, which usually makes me nervous, but I was literally like “I don’t care because I know I’m going to love it.”

And well. I did not love it.

I truly do not understand how one fucks up “teenagers (mostly) of color go to murder boarding school in the late ‘80s” that bad (I mean the Russo brothers are involved and they fuck up everything they touch so perhaps it was just that). I haven’t read the comic the show is based on but it does appear that a *lot* of the issues of the show stem from the comic, which is...disappointing. Basically, our MC, Marcus, starts off the show homeless after his group home burned down (and it’s heavily implied that he was the one to do it) and gets hunted down by these elite teenage murderers who invite them to their murder school.

Already, numerous problems are starting to show themselves. First of all, Marcus is Latino, which, yes, it’s very cool that the MC is Latino, except he is literally the white-passingest man I’ve ever seen in my life, and I’ve seen my dad. I didn’t realize that he was Latino until they showed his extremely stupid backstory in a shitty animated sequence and whoever was voicing his dad did this really, really thick Nicaraguan accent and I was like wait a damn minute. So then, I looked it up, and the guy playing Marcus is named Benjamin Wadsworth, which immediately made me think that they had pulled a Noah Centineo and made me think this fully white actor was half Latino (and yes, Latinos can be white, but I think Marcus is supposed to be a nonwhite Latino, and I thought Benjamin Wadsworth was both white and non-Latino). But you know, as an light skinned ethnically ambiguous mixed kid myself, I thought I owed it to him to dig a little deeper, and turns out our pal Ben is mixed (also, he’s like six months older than me and married, which is a trip). And like, okay, I guess I’m glad they didn’t get a white non-Latino man to play a Latino character, but they literally got the whitest looking Latino they could think of to play him. He originally auditioned for Billy. Billy’s the token white. And the producers were like “wait you have Latino ancestry?” (how they found that out I don’t fucking know) and let him go for Marcus. And like. Okay. The character in the comics is light-skinned but he does not look white, and Benjamin is not a good enough actor for them to just pass on the actors who surely auditioned for that role and were more visibly Latino but like. Okay, I guess.

Second of all, this show is mega racist and it starts to reveal itself when you look at how the murder kids are styled in literally their first appearance. What struck me the most was the fact that the Latina (whose name is fucking Maria, for heaven’s sake) was wearing a sexy red dress and Day of the Dead makeup, which, I’m sorry, huh? That just so happens to be the Mexican girl’s murder outfit? I’ve tried to give them the benefit of the doubt and speculate that maybe she wears it to like, subvert people’s expectations, but at this point idk how this is subverting anyone’s expectations nor why she’d be so invested in that. Also, she’s supposed to be a teenager. It’s fucked up to sexualize any of your child characters but it really hits different when it’s your Latina character (and yeah, I know the actress playing Maria isn’t a teenager, but still, it’s the principle of the thing). And then of course, the Black guy, Willie (no he’s not related to Billy they were just like yeah two guys with rhyming names in our main cast sounds legit) is a gangbanger dude who talks the way that white people think Black people talk. I keep waiting for this guy to have one line that’s not complete garbage, but I’m five episodes deep and so far nada, which sucks so bad because there’s like, kernels of an interesting character buried in this horrible racist trope. Also, they had him sleep with a N*zi. I hate it here. Lana Condor (her character’s name is Saya) gets off fairly okay, at least in this first shot (they don’t have her wearing a kimono to go murder people, thank fuck), but the way she behaves is super weird, like kinda flirty towards Marcus, kinda badass but not enough to actually do anything, etc. Billy’s white so they couldn’t make him a racist caricature or anything but I have no idea why he’s here. See, instead of talking about the real politics of the real world, Deadly Class makes up fake prejudice that honestly makes the lok bender/nonbender bullshit look sensible. Maria, Willie, and Saya are Legacies, which means that their families are established murderers (fun fact: the N*zi girl is also a Legacy, because her father murdered hundreds of civil rights activists. And the characters of color align themselves with her. I don’t understand.) Billy, and later Marcus when he decides to go to murder school, are Rats, meaning they have no affiliation with established murder groups. So, in this show, the people of color have privilege over the (mostly white) Rats. Make it make sense. Further, this means that Maria, Saya, and Willie should have absolutely no reason to hang out with Billy, and yet they do because the Russo brothers have heard that the kids these days like the found family trope, so they put five unlikely friends in a room together and insinuated that they could all be besties. I swear, this show is the La Croix of found family tho, in that there is absolutely no flavor whatsoever. None of the characters develop into a found family. Saya is bound to care for Marcus for reasons, Maria is using him, Willie is also using him, and Billy is only his friend because they’re both Rats. Saya and Maria are already friends (and honestly their friendship is the most compelling thing in the whole show). There are no other connections between the characters. But they’re totes a found family!!!!/s

Also, they don’t let Saya be mean. Every character says “oh Saya’s such a bitch” but do we ever see Saya being a bitch??? No! Saya is literally just a nice girl who is kinda quiet sometimes and murders people and has a tragic backstory. There’s an argument to be made for Maria being more bitchy than her tbh. And like, fine, if you want Saya to be nice, she can be nice, but stop telling me she’s mean then!!! If you’re gonna tell me that I’m gonna get to see mean Lana Condor in a leather jacket in this show then deliver bitch.

There’s truly so much more I could talk about (Chico??? What the fuck is Chico’s arc???? What in the actual hell were they thinking when they were writing anything to do with Chico????? my DUDES WHAT IN THE SAM HELL. also making Billy straight was so fucking stupid he’s literally gay come on now, also Master Lin is so fucking useless what is he even doing here) but instead I’m going to outline the version of Deadly Class my friend and I have been talking about while we watch the inferior real Deadly Class.

lots of things are the same actually because there are some elements of the show that have potential. Marcus is still homeless at the beginning, everybody still thinks he burned down the group home but he didn’t, Willie is still a pacifist, he and Marcus are still partners for their first murder school assignment, Saya’s mean (but like actually), Billy still has green hair and is the token white of the group (although a Billy of color.....thinking), and they all hate Reagan

in an ideal world Willie and Maria would have different names (Willie bc his name rhymes with Billy’s and that’s fucking stupid, also Willie is just a terrible name in general, Maria partially because it sounds way too similar to Marcus and I don’t understand why the guy who wrote this couldn’t make his characters have different sounding names, and partially because no Latina character of mine is going to be named fucking Maria), but for the purposes of this outline I’ll keep their names the same for clarity.

Marcus doesn’t initially have his rep. He’s on the streets when he sees a girl his age (Saya) come out of this elevator in the back of a restaurant brandishing a sword, and decides to go into the elevator, sees the stash of weapons, and decides to steal one so he can fend for himself better.

also keeping the detail of Rory murdering a bunch of homeless kids, but now Marcus knows that Rory is actively hunting him down.

in the process of robbing the school’s weapons collection, Marcus figures out that it’s a murder school

Master Lin catches Marcus robbing the school, they fight, Master Lin overpowers Marcus and ties him up. He says the weapons are for students only, and Marcus says he’s applying. Lin asks what his qualifications are, and Marcus says “you know that group home that burned down three months ago? all the kids that died? I started the fire.”

(also no shade to Benjamin Wadsworth but in this version he is not playing Marcus. Marcus is not white-passing)

Master Lin initially doesn’t believe him, but Marcus presses on and eventually convinces Master Lin that this is really what happened, and so Lin welcomes him to murder school.

Marcus’s first class is Poisons, and his lab partner is Billy, who takes a shine to him and shows him around school. There’s no Legacy/Rat nonsense, but you do have normal high school drama adapted slightly for murder school. Maria is the prettiest and most popular girl in school, Saya is the mean girl/valedictorian, Willie is the jock, and Billy’s the punky weirdo.

Marcus is, of course, the new kid with a reputation to live up to.

Things kind of fall apart when Willie and Marcus are paired up for an assignment: to seek revenge on somebody.

also Willie’s backstory is extremely different. his dad was a Black Panther, and he was murdered by the FBI when Willie was a kid. distraught, his mom moved to Texas, where she started working a corporate job and rose really high in the ranks. To maintain her status in the company, she had to do some really horrible things, including working with the FBI to take down other civil rights activists. Willie found out about this and was absolutely horrified. his mother insisted she was doing this so that he could have a better life, but he refused to listen to her, and ran away, and ended up at murder school.

Willie got into murder school because Lin knows who his mom is, and assumes that Willie is just as cutthroat as she is. he gains a reputation as well.

also, Willie’s extremely wealthy, and this shows in the way he dresses (preppy jock vibes)

you don’t find out about this backstory for a minute tho bc unlike Albert Kim and the Russo Brothers, I can wait until the right opportunity presents itself for a backstory drop.

ok anyway back to what I was saying earlier

they have to seek revenge on somebody. Marcus asks Willie if there’s anybody he wants revenge on, and Willie very sincerely says no. Marcus scoffs at him and says he’s clearly had a very easy life, to which Willie replies, “Well, who do you want revenge on?”

Marcus immediately says, “Rory.”

So they track Rory down, and since Marcus hasn’t actually killed anybody, he hands the weapons over to Willie. Willie frowns and says that he has nothing against this dude he’s never met before, so Marcus should be the one to hurt him. Marcus says that this is a group project and Willie’s got to pull his weight, and they get into an argument

the argument gets loud, and Rory hears them fighting and starts chasing them.

in the midst of the chase, both of them divulge their secrets to one another. Willie laughs hysterically and says that they deserve each other bc they both lied to get where they are, and now they’re going to die because of it

Rory backs them into a corner, and Marcus uses one of the swords he tried to steal earlier to shank Rory

They throw the body in a dumpster, and after this, they’re friends, and Marcus decides he’ll fit right in at murder school.

ok so that was only one episode but things to look forward to in the version of Deadly Class that only exists in me and my friend’s heads: Marcus dealing with the emotional and moral fallout of his first murder, Willie trying to figure out what it means to be a pacifist in a world so hellbent on doing violence towards him, Saya being mean to everyone except Maria, Maria convincing Saya to relax and have fun, the gang bonding in a Breakfast Club style situation adapted for murder school and making a joke about how this is like the Breakfast Club because it’s the 80s and the movie just came out, Saya and Maria falling in lesbians, Marcus and Saya being depressing edgelord besties, Billy being gay and fighting his abusive father, Marcus and Billy being uncool weirdo bffs, Willie and Maria rolling their eyes at Marcus and Saya’s cynicism, Billy coming out to Marcus and talking about his experiences being gay, which makes Marcus think “hang on, why do I relate to that?”, Willie seeing Marcus make a sarcastic comment about kissing a guy and having a crisis, Marcus and Willie falling in love, the gang taking a road trip to Vegas to murder Billy’s dad and giving Billy a gnc thrift store makeover on the way, and eventually the gang murdering the shit out of Ronald Reagan.

#caps tw #effie tag #replies #not atla #racism #murder tw #death tw #swearing tw #nazi #finn don't look #politics tw #gore tw #abuse ment #you do not have to read this effie it was very satisfying just to write it #arthur tags for later #gonna show this to my friend bc we haven't outlined anything this specific yet

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fourdaysofrain · 4 years ago

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Self-Made Man

Summary: A Trans!Tony Stark AU.

(Lengthy, personal author’s note below the cut, if you’re interested.)

Natasha Marie Stark was born twelve minutes before midnight on May 29th, 1970. She weighed a healthy seven pounds and two ounces when she arrived. She was the most beautiful thing that either of her parents had ever seen. And she was screaming loud enough to scare the pigeons from the trees outside.

Read on AO3

Well, hey everyone. It’s been a handful of months since I’ve been on here. I want to apologize for being gone, but that feels kind of phony. I don’t know. I missed this, though. I can tell you that much. I still checked my notifications every once in a while. It made me really glad to see people still commenting on my fics or passing my links around. Love y’all.

I guess it’s about time that I tell you that I’m trans. I have been this whole time. To answer a few quick questions, I first knew sometime in late high school, but it was always kind of in the background my whole life, I just didn’t know how to isolate the feeling. I started socially transitioning (i.e. dressing male, coming out, going by he/him) after my high school graduation, and I started HRT (Horomone replacement therapy, that means I inject myself with testosterone weekly. .33mL subcutaneously into my tummy, if you’re curious) on Oct. 12, 2018. So it’s been almost two years since, and I’ve been completely passing as a man for quite a while. Ass-crack hair, sweat, and all.

This is a pretty personal fic for me, given the nature of it. I’ve wanted to write it for a long time, and I’ve actually had words in the Google Doc since January. It took a lot of long nights to write. It helped that I was back home. I always have an easier time tapping into Trans Emotions when I’m in my home town, for better or for worse. All the memories and relationships I formed pre-transition follow me like ghosts.

I’m leaving for college in two days, conversationally.

I see a lot of trans!Peter Parker fics. I’m not dissing them, I love them to bits. But it makes me wonder why fandom is so quick to headcanon Peter as trans instead of one of the other characters. He’s petite, has a higher voice, and has softer features than the other male cast members. I feel like those attributes definitely play a role. It can be easy to see trans men as “uwu soft bois”, or as Men Lite, or as a more palatable version of “normal” (that is to say, cis) men. Those ideas are often flawed and based on transphobic foundations. The reality is, trans men (and by extension, all trans people) have the ability to be indiscernible from their cis counterparts. Everyone likes to think they can pick trans people out from a crowd, but you’d be surprised how quickly I started being read as male. Androcentrism for the win, I guess.

I won’t be entirely pessimistic. I understand that people my age project onto Peter (I am by no means exempt from that), and that there’s a greater number of young trans people than old, due to a series of depressing reasons. But I still wanted to try a different take on a trans character.

My experience as a trans man is vastly different than the one I write about here. If anything, I’m closer to fandom’s idea of trans!Peter. My parents were accepting, I had the financial and social means to transition relatively early, and I can fly under the radar easily. The most important difference is the time period.

I don’t know a lot about the trans experience of the 80s and 90s, which is what Tony would have gone through. I know of one single trans man who began his transition back then, one of the gender studies professors at my university. Even then, he’s from Canada, which I’m assuming has an entirely different culture around trans lives. There aren’t many older trans men. It’s depressing. There’s a lot of reasons for this. I don’t want to get too deep into them, because it only makes me feel sad. The final scene in this fic is extremely self-indulgent with regards to this. I wrote what I needed to hear.

That’s not to say I don’t relate at all to what I wrote. There are themes that are almost universal for the trans experience. I hope you can parse those out here.

I also wanted to talk about how I showed the change from “Natasha” to Tony. In the early stages of this fic’s development, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to openly say Tony’s deadname (the name trans people are given at birth, and often, but not 100% of the time, change as a part of their transition), but I soon realized that it would make the story much clearer with the inclusion of it. If you’re wondering, I got the name from Earth-3490, where Tony is born a woman (and marries Steve, lol). I chose to show the change between the two with the use of past tense for the first half of the fic, and switching to present for Tony’s life. Often times, it feels like that when you transition. You start living in present tense.

I also want to make it clear that transitioning isn’t as simple as shown here. From the beginning of mapping out this fic, I was stressed about “Oh, how will he be able to graduate as Tony if he doesn’t start transitioning until after he gets to college,” and “How will Howard react to him coming out?” and “How will he have a playboy persona if he isn’t able to have sex with someone without them knowing?” and a zillion other ideas. It was very freeing for me to let go of some of these obstacles and leave it up to the reader to decide. I alluded to some of the solutions that I came up with, but for the most part, I glossed over the paperwork and bureaucracy aspect to transitioning. But in real life, there are countless red tapes you have to cut for even the simplest of actions. I went to the state court to change my name and sex in March of 2019, and I still have cards in my wallet with my deadname. I had a consult with a plastic surgeon for top surgery (the colloquial name for the double mastectomy that trans men often go through to masculinize their chests. If you’re wondering, genital reconstruction surgery is normally called bottom surgery to mirror this) last December, and I still don’t have a date set. It took me a few months to start T, and I only got it so easily because I went through my unviersity, which does informed consent. Some places have to have proof of 6 months of social transitioning and a letter from a therapist. There is a lot of medical gate keeping in the trans community. I don’t know what I would have done had my parents not been accepting enough to help me through the processes. I am extremely thankful for their support.

But it’s a lot easier to write about transition happening smoothly. Money helps, which I don’t touch on a lot in this fic, but oh my God, does money help. I’m lucky enough to be able to afford my ~$20 a month T prescription (which I will be taking until the end of my days, likely), and I’m in the process of saving for top surgery. Thankfully with Tony, I can just presto most of the problems away because he’s canonically a billionaire. Eat the rich, folks.

There’s also the intersection with race that is very impactful for trans people, as it is for everyone. Both Tony and I are white, which gives us societal privileges that trans people of color don’t have access to. As well as the fact that transitioning from female to male is a much different experience than transitioning from male to female. We don’t experience trans misogyny, which is a special kind of misogyny specifically related to trans women. (Think of old sitcoms where the joke is that it’s a man dressed in women’s clothing, and that’s what makes it funny. That’s a fairly tame example of trans misogyny. It gets ugly fast.)

I’m veering dangerously off-topic, but it’s important to talk about. It’s easy for white trans people (and LGBT people as a whole, I suppose) to distance themselves from talking about white privilege or male privilege because they aren’t straight and/or cis. But it’s important to recognize that while we may face unique oppression, we also still benefit from historical white supremacist and patriarchal structures present today in society.

Sorry, not sorry for getting political. And if I haven’t said it on here, Black lives matter. Of course.

If you end up having trans-related questions, I want to be a resource for you. Seriously, I’m narcissistic and love talking about myself I don’t mind helping you understand the trans experience. I can’t promise that I know everything, but I also have my own group of trans friends who might know what I don’t, and we can learn together.

Again, love y’all. Thank you for the continued support you give me. I can’t promise that I’ll go back to my normal level of activity on here, but I might dip my feet back in the pool. <3

#irondad #iron dad #spider-man #iron man #trans #ftm #art speaks #art writes #read under the cut if you want to know my Emotions and Feelings

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kinetic-elaboration · 4 years ago

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February 8: Mountain Lion Mean Notes

Okay, so I was writing up notes on my Troped Western fic and then I clicked something and it all disappeared! I’m very upset and I hate the idea of starting again but like... I guess that’s what I gotta do :/

Mountain Lion Mean on AO3.

Written for @troped-fanfic-challenge

So as I said in my notes, I watched Hell or High Water on the Sunday the trope document opened and immediately became obsessed, and that was my main inspiration. I saw it and loved it and, like with most things I love, my first thought was how can I do this too?? I didn’t want to do a straight AU of it, because it’s just too good and I don’t want to mess with that kind of perfection, but I knew I wanted a similar mood. I also figured pretty early on that I would try to include a bank robbery.

For the first days after the trope doc opened, I mostly just gathered inspiration and tried to think Western thoughts. In addition to HOHW, my inspiration included:

The Western episode of Charmed

A Western Rock playlist I found on Spotify

This post of southwestern gothic aesthetics

“Ranch Girl” by Maile Meloy (also the inspiration for it is new moon and twilight, which, fun fact, was originally going to be a Western; I didn’t re-read the story but it’s been haunting me since I first read it c. 2001 and is probably a partial inspiration for everything I write)

William Faulkner (especially “A Rose for Emily” and A Light in August) for the “town POV” narration

Sigrid Undset for the floating third-person-POV

The wikipedia article on Westerns, for succinct summaries of the themes of Westerns

The original aesthetic, quoted from my notes: “The vastness of the west, the frontier, a little uncivilized, a little dangerous, tough looking men who don’t talk much, extrajudicial justice, the heat and the desert…“

By the time I sat down to brainstorm, I had a few ideas and a few images already in mind. I wanted to include a bank robbery. I liked the idea of Clarke as a gunslinger and/or purveyor of vigilante justice. I thought I might use Gina as a bartender (this was during the half-moment I thought I might write a Bartender Mechanic fic; obviously neither of these things happened). And I liked the idea of including Murphy as some kinda criminal or unsavory type. The image of Bellamy as a taciturn cowboy came fairly early too.

I was a little uncertain at first if I wanted to do an 1800s western or a neo-western, mostly because I felt like the tropes I was attracted to and the images in my head fit better in the 1800s. But ultimately I settled on neo-western pretty fast, because I thought the imagery and themes would work better in the modern day. Plus I just thought it would be easier tbqh.

My first concern was to not just re-write a shittier HOHW. I was really caught up in the logistics of the bank robbery; including too much of that would necessarily make it a copy of the film, so I tried to keep just the bare bones of the robbery + the general justification (saving the family land). Then I added additional portions of the scheme--not too difficult since I knew I wanted Gunslinger/Vigilante Clarke in there, and I needed some way to show that she takes Justice into her own hands--and additional characters. Again, most notably Clarke, but also Raven and Octavia. The characters have their own backgrounds, personalities, relationships, and motivations, all of which make the story more mine imo. I’m satisfied with the balance of Obvious HOHW Influences and original content.

At some point, I described it to my mom as “Bellamy is Toby, Murphy is Tanner, and Clarke is canon Clarke but in the modern West.” Which I still think is accurate.

Including Clarke, though, and privileging the various relationships among the trio of Bellamy, Clarke, and Murphy, made me feel like I was making an it is new moon and twilight knock off except with Clarke for Raven. I still kind of see it, tbh, in the sense that twilight was itself supposed to be a western--I think it would be fair to say that Mountain Lion Mean IS the fic I set out to write in February 2020--and in the sense that I could have written a different story in the same universe as Mountain Lion Mean that explored the Clarke, Murphy, and Bellamy relationships in a way that is similar to twilight. As is, a lot of that is unsaid and unseen. The two fics have different focuses, so it’s probably only apparent to me just how similar they are. Just like, to me, Mad Women and The Wanheda Tape are the same story even though they have very different aesthetics and plots.

Some excerpts from my notes that I think are fun:

I really want to work with the themes (haha themes) of frontier justice and also the sense that the west is infinite but also small, that nature is hard and impossible to wrangle but that the opportunities are narrow and it’s easy to get trapped in it, the melancholy nature of it, the dichotomy of nature (huge, powerful) versus man (small, struggling against nature and against man). Or some such. Or Murphy just robs banks.

Bellamy owns a struggling ranch. Clarke is a gunslinger (don’t really know if I can use this trope in the current day but possibly?) who doesn’t trust the law. Has a conceal[ed]-carry permit. Is the best shot in three counties. Murphy’s been in and out of prison most of his adult life, mostly for crimes like robbery and assault.

How do they know each other? Possibilities: Murphy knows Bellamy through Octavia (idk why…but I do feel like O should appear, riding a horse) (background Octaven? Just a thought), Bellarke are exes, Murphy used to work on the ranch. Clarke has killed someone (someone Bad) and gotten away with it.

I do like the focus being on these three characters, who have a long history but aren’t currently close, coming together for a mission (to rob a bank) for the benefit of one who is struggling (Bellamy) even thought this is an awful lot like both Hell or High Water and it is new moon and twilight lmao.

I like that mood from HOHW where actually Toby was the most dangerous, and the smartest, and he won—the idea that Bellamy is the taciturn cowboy who’s not good at sharing his feelings but he’s also the mastermind in the end. Is that the twist? You get the impression Vigilante Gunslinger Griffin and Actual Ex-Con Murphy are planning something, but then it turns out to be Bellamy who executes the plan? [Not quite how it turned out lol in that I think it’s decently obvious that Bellamy was a major part of it the whole time but I did try to get some of this in with Octavia in the final scene--to really drive home Bellamy’s importance, as the ring leader, since otherwise one could ask, what does he even do?]

Midway through the planning process I came up with some more images to work from:

B and C out at dusk on the ranch, she’s shooting can, a bit of UST perhaps

M shows up at the bar and there’s an awkward silent entrance—perhaps he’s just out of prison

Murphy or Clarke guns akimbo [I picked Clarke to emphasize that she’s the gunslinger, but I had Murphy shoot out the security cameras to show that they were using his robbery experience]

Bellamy being silent and awkward

At this point, it was just about putting all the pieces together. That’s how I tend to plan Troped fics: I lay out all the pieces I need or want to include and then I figure out the shortest and most efficient distances between them. For example, I knew I needed a bank robbery and for Clarke to administer some vigilante justice--so I use that justice as a way to launder the money. They fake a will for her victim and “give” the money to themselves.

I did worry, and still worry, about the timeline re: the Bellarke marriage and the will because I’m quite sure it doesn’t make sense and doesn’t work. But it also... it doesn’t keep me up at night because the whole point is that it’s a scam!! Worrying about legality in a scam is sorta... lol. What I mean specifically is that I wanted it to be clear that Clarke does not kill Kane FOR this scheme. They use something she already did to their advantage. So she and Bellamy can’t be married at the time Kane is killed. That implies the murder was pre-meditated for the bank robbing purpose. But I’m also fairly sure (and I should know this because I took T&E but like...honestly can’t remember) that the people in the will are counted at the time of death, not the time of probate, or you could like... adopt extra kids or marry or divorce someone to affect the will. Plus all that stuff about simultaneous death etc. etc. Also, on a practical level, if Clarke wasn’t married, Kane wouldn’t have an obvious reason to write her spouse into the will. But I get away with this in my head by saying, first, no one’s going to say the husband that’s standing right there doesn’t count as a husband--the law is the law but it’s implemented by people and they fudge corners all the time. They do what seems to make sense even if you’d lose points for it on a law school exam. And second, the will could have been written with the assumption or hope that Clare would marry. Possibly even, though I don’t say this in the fic exactly, on the condition of marriage--Clarke gets 100% to share 50-50 with her husband if she’s married, 0% if she’s not. Doesn’t really matter. It’s supposed to read as outwardly clever and create Mystery and play with the Exes Aesthetic even if it doesn’t hold up the strictest scrutiny. (JDs don’t @ me.)

I justified including the marriage as a necessity because Kane could possibly leave money to Clarke’s husband but he wouldn’t leave money to some rando. I do stand by that part.

I also decided at some point that I wanted to include Background Octaven but be really subtle about it so it was something else the reader would have to piece together: that Raven has a girlfriend, then that Octavia has a girlfriend but, hey, isn’t Raven a bartender?--and then it comes together in the last scene as we see that their relationship was factored into Bellamy’s plan all along: some of the loot goes directly to Octavia and her partner, officially as payment for Raven’s services, unofficially because Bellamy wants to give O a gift. Anyway. Either it was too obvious or too subtle/boring because no one mentioned it but I thought it was cool lol.

At this point in my planning I basically had everything I needed, so I wrote a quick outline of scenes, as I always do, to see how it would flow scene to scene and if I had a place to put all the necessary plot info. I also ended up doing “what I need from this scene” lists for each scene so that I knew what I had to have on my mind to include before I sat down to write each one.

The actual writing was done over 3 days and fairly easily and quickly. I had a lot of fun not just with planning but with the actual process of creation. I think it’s because I was just honestly excited to be in this universe and play with this aesthetic.

Not to blow my own horn here but some parts that I was particularly pleased with were:

“Arkadia hasn’t seen a drop of rain in thirty-two days. The asphalt on the highway shimmers with heat; the air crackles with heat; the heat rises, stifling and strong, from the parched dirt and the cracks in the pavement.” Like I’m sorry but that’s a good image, I like that a lot. Whenever I felt discouraged, I just read that again and felt better.

The description of past Bellarke because boy howdy do I not care to write romance anymore but that was fun. I thought it was hot.

Transitioning Murphy laughing until the coyotes can hear into Bellamy hearing coyotes at night into Bellamy still hearing them during the day. I don’t know if it worked quite like I wanted to but in my head that is a very Cinematic transition, okay? I also like that even though Clarke and Murphy aren’t literally riding off together in that scene, for the reader, they are leaving the narrative never to be seen again. So they get their Dramatic Exit.

Octavia’s explication of the Theme and Bellamy’s possible motivations. I’m pretty proud of myself for actually having a theme and I think I did a good job of explaining it without being too heavy-handed. I also think it was perhaps risky to end with the POV of Octavia, a character who’s barely been in the fic before the last scene, but ultimately that decision felt right to me and I think it had a good flow, a nice mellow exit from the narrative.

What I didn’t like as much was a lot of the first scene. I think it has some great bits but it was the most re-worked part of the fic, and there are still some paragraphs and phrases that I feel are a little stiff. For example, this is a paragraph that I cut entirely:

Diyoza was sure the Griffin daughter did the deed back in January and she's sure about it still. She even gives a quote to the Sun-Times about it, despite her troubles with Green. But she had no proof then, not even a body to justify a murder charge, and she has little proof now. So no one believes the investigation will come to anything.

As you can see, it gives no new information. There were other sentences and phrases that weren’t doing work but were interrupting the flow, which also got cut, but I’m still not sure that the flow is perfect in the final version.

Also displeased that I edited out a * from the version on AO3, thus letting two scenes run together. How embarrassing!!! It’s fixed now though.

Overall though I’m so pleased! I love this fic and I love that I can love things again. This year has already been so hard, just like being battered again and again by waves of a storm, and it’s only 5 weeks in but this experience was so unabashedly good and I’m so grateful for it.

#the year 2021 #2021: writing bts #mountain lion mean #troped

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werevulvi · 4 years ago

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I don't think I've ever made an in depth post here about where my views really lie, in terms of not just gender identity/trans stuff, but gender and sex as a whole in society. Where my radfem views basically kinda mesh with MRA views. Because it's kinda difficult to put into words. But I want to try. So that you all will know who it is you're actually following. So, I wanna start off with a disclaimer that I will be using certain words and terminology that might make you frown, but please try to see those words as loose descriptions rather than as fixed labels.

I still think that radfem is what lies closest to what my views can be labeled as, if any label at all, as I agree with majority of it. However, there is an MRA twist to them. So to start off... I dunno where to start, but... patriarchy? Yes, how about that! Then let's just ramble on from there. Do I think there is a patriarchy? Yes, I do. I think what's generally called "male socialisation" is inherently destructive to women as a class, and that "female socialisation" is also inherently destructive to women. It raises men above women which takes away our agency and much of our freedom. It exploits us sexually and makes us not only get the short stick biologically but also socially. This is what I generally view as patriarchy. A world of men dominating and controlling women, a rape culture, if you may.

However, what I see, that I don't think most radfems even acknowledge, let alone agree with, is that this patriarchal system is almost as bad for men as it is for women. It assumes men as inherently awful with no chance of redemption, perpetuating basically what's called "original sin" - yet men are taught that they're disposable, only useful if they make a ton of money and sacrifice themselves and their livelihood for women and children. That is an immense burden, and this is where my MRA views come in. I view the world of men and women kinda like this: Imagine an inner circle and an outer circle. In the inner circle are women, protected yet exploited by men, objectified and hold to lesser value, as housewifes, sex objects and baby-making machines, yet don't have as high expectations to contribute in the world. They don't have to go to war, or work themselves to an early grave, they don't have to sacrifice their lives for the opposite sex. But they do have to sacrifice their freedom and their bodies, for men and for reproduction. This is a heavy burden for women to bear.

And in the outer circle are men, having more freedom, yet higher expectations to contribute in the world, as money-makers, disposable soldiers, etc. They are expected to keep the world running and never complain. They are equally as useless unless they perform their reproductive role too, and as disposable slave workers. They are less likely to face sexual and emotional abuse, but are far more likely to face virtually every other kinda abuse. They have tried to fight this injustice, like women have fought against theirs, for as long and as relentlessly, but there is less empathy for men. There always has been. Their struggle is not taken as seriously, because it is less visible. They appear to have it all, but they really don't, and those who do, fought through hell to achieve that.

Men have a biological and social advantage, yes... but for a very heavy price. A price which I don't see many women particularly willing to pay, for those advantages. A MGTOW on youtube once explained that "inner vs outer circle" thing, and... it changed my world view. Since that point I've been on and off between feminism and MRA, because deep down I know he was right. Both MRA's and feminists are right, and that's probably why they cannot work together, nor fold for the other. Nor should they! Maintaining these ideologies as opposites, as enemies, is causing far more problems than either of them are solving, I think.

On a personal note... I am willing to pay that price, for getting the opportunities that men have. Since my transition, I have been made gravely aware of that price that men pay to be successful and considered valuable. Men are NOT seen as more valuable than women. They gain value by working their asses off and making huge sacrifices along that way. If they don't... they're useless neckbeards, "beta males" or homeless with nothing at all. Women also have to put work in and make huge sacrifices to be seen as valuable. Namely, they have to sacrifice their autonomy and their dreams to be caregivers and mothers. That's a heavy price too, but women can't ever become as useless and without value as men can. Albeit horrific, women have intrinsic value in our reproductive ability, but men (according to patriarchy/society) do not have any intrinsic value. They HAVE TO work for their value.

Having said that... I no longer give a shit who has it worse, men or women.

Both suffer under this horribly dehumanising system, which is patriarchal, yes, but it's more so heteronormative. Because it all comes down to our crap biology. Because here's the thing and you may not like reading this, because this where I think MRA's are especially right, which is where I’ll probably lose most feminists: Males are biologically driven to reproduce fast and effectively. They make a ton of sperm and if they don't try to knock up as many females as possible, their genes will get lost and they'll have no family to raise. Their biological value as individuals is dependent on this. Their biological role is miniscule when it comes to breeding, so they try to make up for it by being financial providers and offering protection to females whom are physically weaker and more susceptible to harm.

Females are biologically driven to be selective with their reproduction, because if they're not, they'll go through traumatic pregnancy and childbirth for basically nothing. Females really need to make sure they pick the best genes, and their biological value is dependent on this. Which creates a huge clash between male and female goals, a constant battle hunt of prey vs predator. And that is what creates a rape culture, of males aggressively hunting females for their vaginas, and females desperately protecting their vaginas from useless genetics, bodily harms and getting pregnant too much for their bodies to handle.

This is not just about humans, hence why I wrote males and females, but practically all mammal species. What happens with humans is that we've evolved a little from our primal instincts and intellectualise our existence, and what's the meaning of life. But we still have our biological instincts, and this is what led us to create more complex societies than other mammals do, but these societies are still very similar to most other mammals' equally patriarchal, heteronormative, systems of gender roles. Men did not create this. Nature did. Beautiful, flawless, wonderous... mother nature, damned us all. Patriarchy is not a coincidence, nor a human creation at all. Our societies may be social constructs, but they are based on our reproductive instincts, which have been with us since long before we even became homo sapien.

I get angry when I write/think about all that. Not because "you're all dumb to not get this" or anything like that, but because this hierarchy seen in almost all mammals, including humans... is unavoidable and cannot be fixed. It's an unfortunate outcome of how sexually dimorphic species are biologically built to breed and continue their species. And that is what makes it so upsetting, so aggrevating, so insidious. Because no matter how much feminism, men's rights movements, LGBT communities, humanitarians, socialists and whatever the fuck it all... females will always be at a biological disadvantage, and males will always be at an biological advantage. We can't fix that. Which means, we can't fix patriarchy. Then why even bother? Why try to fight for female liberation, if patriarchy and rape cultures are unavoidable and unfixable? That's what comes down to morals, values, what we want and wish and dream. That matters, it always will, no matter the outcome! I think the world can still be made better than how it is today, especially in third world countries, and that male aggression can be better controlled. I think more choices can be opened up, for both sexes, and that the gender roles can be made less restrictive. And I think that's worth fighting for, even if it's a far cry from feminism's ultimate goal. But I need to also stay realistic and have a plan B, which is to figure out how to thrive, as an individual woman, in this patriarchal rape culture.

And my way of doing so is to try my best to live mostly as a man, taking all the shit men get, for the price of climbing higher up the ladder and avoiding (some of) the disadvantages of being recognisably female - but still take on the female roles that I want for myself, such as motherhood, and take the risks that come with that too. I don't have everything figured out yet, and I don't know what kinda relationship I want yet. But I'm starting to think that maaaybe I would benefit more from taking advantage of the straight privilege I have with my bisexuality, a more pragmatic approach... and get myself a decent househusband, for more convenient breeding. I would like to date another woman again, don't get me wrong, but that feels a bit unfit for my goals, unfortunately. I don’t wanna make hard shit even harder for myself, when it can be avoided.

Love... isn't my main driving factor in relationships anymore. Although I'm gonna need to think it through VERY properly, if I really think that setting love aside for a more practical partner arrangement, is actually a good idea. Regardless, however, I do have attraction to men, but even straight women can marry for practicality and end up miserable and abused because of it. So it has nothing much to do with sexual orientation on that point, but it does in the sense that homosexual marriage can't really be made for practicality. Marrying for practicality is an extremely heteronormative move to make, and one that has been used against homosexuality for centuries, to force gay people into straight marriage. This makes me... extremely uncomfortable and angry, on behalf of all gay people out there, of course.

Yet... I am intrigued by the idea for myself only, as I see the option of marriage from more angles than I used to. I still think marriage should of course be for love as well, and I would never want to choose for others why or whom they should marry, or not marry. That whole dream I have might also be taking on a way too heavy burden and responsibility on my already crumbling shoulders, to aim at being both the provider and a mother, but I want both those things, so it might be worth it. And with that said, having a useful, good, respectful and resourceful husband might be more important to me personally, than any cute frumpy lump of a dude that I just so happen to fall in love with. (But I also wanna point out that my goals and dreams have been switching a lot lately, so please take this sudden, baffling idea of mine with a grain of salt. I'm gonna focus on getting my own ass together first, before I even consider handing it over to someone else again, and I have a lot to work on.) However, say if I'll end up going that route, that is me basically playing into the hands of patriarchy, for the price of getting the best life I can give myself in a broken world which cannot be fixed. I'm not saying my goals are in any way somehow universally favourable. You do you, I do me.

But at the same time I also wanna be inspirational, especially for other women, but in general too. I'll prove to the lot of you that despite being considered a "hopeless case" irrevokably mentally disabled, I'll goddamn make myself into a money-making baby-maker AND a goddamn awesome one at that. I won't give up on my dreams of having a job, financial and emotional stability, and a child. I also won't "correct" myself to fit into the beauty norms of women. I will continue to refuse getting fake tits, laser hair removal, feminising voice training, feminine clothing, makeup, etc. I'm slowly accepting, embracing and coming to terms with being a manly, masculine or even transmasculine, proud woman. And you wanna know why it matters to feminism? Because if I can be a woman, looking like this, living like this... then ALL other gnc females can too. Because not to brag or anything, but I don't think anyone else has taken being gnc quite as far as me before. Almost everywhere I go, I am considered "too masculine" to even be a woman, despite being female, which is a problem that to varying degress affects all gnc females, but I will work hard to change that. And if I succeed to... I'll be paving one fuck of a path for all gnc women after me. You're welcome, sisters.

Furthermore, regardless of my own heterocentric breeding fantasies and whether I make them real or not, I will absolutely continue to stand up and fight for gay, and especially lesbian, rights. No one should be forced, coerced or otherwise shoved into heterosexual stuff against their will, including "girldicks" and "boypussies" - and yes, I will die on that hill. I listen, I hear you, and I will help you spread your word. To wrap it up: So I do CARE about feminism, and trying to make the world a better place by trying to reduce the harm and being a good example in some ways, and I take a very similar approach as radical feminists. I just have a bit of an MRA leaning to my view on patriarchy, which does NOT make that patriarchy any more favourable. I also have a heck of a lot more pessimism about the future prospects of humanity's... own goddamn demise. I'm a nihilist at heart, what can I say? I may love women more... but I don't hate men. No matter how badly many of them have hurt me. No matter how much my c-ptsd makes me fear them. I wanna work with men for a better world that should benefit all of us, not work against them. Yes, I will sleep with the enemy... both figuratively and literally.

#my views #on feminism and such #this may surprise you #it may also be triggering #but dont worry i hate the world too #radical feminism #mens rights #life goals #realism and pessimism #long post #detrans woman

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teamhook · 5 years ago

Text

A Chapter a Day... Savage Heart CS AU

Yes, a chapter a day.

This story will be finished by the end of the month. :)

A love story between a pirate and his savior. An innocent, beautiful, selfless woman meets a man with no manners, no formal education and not even a last name. Will Emma fall in love with Killian once she discovers that beneath his tough exterior lies a heart-wild, but a heart of gold? This is a Captain Swan AU

Beta-ed by the lovely @ilovemesomekillianjones

|AO3| |FFN| previous chapter

|AO3| |FFN| current chapter

Chapter 5: Catch and Release

Flashback - The Road of Redemption

Once the betrothal is arranged, David Nolan decides he must leave his family in order to seek out a way to rebuild his own fortune. If he's able to, he won't have to see his daughter entered into an arranged marriage. As a young man, he had been betrothed to Kathryn Midas. His father George thought that it was the best match for the family.

He had hoped to never put Emma in that position. He had gotten lucky because Kathryn had fallen in love with Frederick Knight, a business partner of her father, and she married him instead.

David had met Snow not long after, and he is forever grateful to have had the fortune of meeting his true love and marrying her. Snow tries to stop him, but he refuses to stay. He wants his daughter to marry for love not to save them. He still has time.

Torn, David Nolan travels north. He has been hearing an awful lot about a booming port town called Arendelle. David Nolan soon arrives at Arendelle in search of a chance to redeem his family's good name. All he wants is to be a hero for his daughter, his family. There is one benefit of traveling so far, James' reputation didn't follow him.

The climate there is so different from Misthaven. It's cold and somber, there's no color. Or maybe, it isn't the town at all.

He misses his family, his beloved wife, and precious daughter. Milah too, Even without knowing her that well he misses the opportunity to be there. His desire was never to take his brother's place, but to enrich her life.

He soon makes friends with a kind woman named Ingrid Foster. He only approaches the woman at the market when one of her daughters runs straight into him. The girl reminds him so much of his little duckling, his sweet Emma.

Goodness, he is so homesick. He misses his love and his little girl. She is blonde too like his princess but a little more platinum than golden, with blue eyes. He hears a woman say the young girl's name, Elsa.

Elsa is chasing her younger sister Anna. Anna is a little bundle of strawberry red hair and blue eyes with an energy that never seems to end. Young Anna can talk for what seems like hours without taking a breath.

Ingrid apologizes profusely for the two young girls, but David just smiles softly. He then finds out that the lovely young girls are actually her nieces. That reminds him of Milah. He regrets not spending more time getting to know her better before leaving Misthaven.

Ingrid and David bond over tales of family and lost loved ones. He mentions the loss of his brother, and she talks about her sister and brother-in-law's passing.

Ingrid had never found love herself but gladly accepted the responsibility of care provider to both girls when their parents had perished. That is how she became Anna and Elsa Frost's appointed guardian. She has been raising the girls alone for the last two years. Anna is 9 years old and Elsa is a year older, like his Emma.

His longing for his family isn't as bad when he is around the young girls. His Emma would love Elsa and Anna. Someday he will be able to introduce them in person. In his letters, he tells her stories of both young girls and their antics.

Ingrid introduces him to some amazing connections and not long after his arrival, he has started a small trading business. David never knew he had such a knack for this type of business.

He imports anything from silver and silk to spices. Exporting goods include honey, wheat, wool, and various types of furs.

He is truly happy with the success of the small business. Sadly though, the business is growing and prospering a little too slow for his taste. He wants to go home. He sends letters and money to Snow with Archie Hopper's help. He lives very modestly and has no need for any luxury. No sacrifice will ever be too considerable if it meant his little girl's happy ending.

Arendelle Present

David Nolan has slowly amassed enough money to live comfortably. Would that be enough? He knows Emma and Snow have never desired riches.

Milah, on the other hand, has taken to the privileged lifestyle quite well. She enjoys luxury and craves more. Whatever he sends, it's never enough. That thought breaks his heart.

Throughout the years, each time he had sent money to Snow he would ask Archie if it had been enough for their needs. Archie would simply say, "Snow and the girls are fine." Then in the space of seconds, he would always add some sort of remark about Milah wanting to go on a trip or a new wardrobe. His niece's thirst for riches was unquenchable, and Snow always gave in, the money was eventually spent on something for Milah.

Sometimes it was for trips and others for jewelry or whatever she must have. Archie keeps telling David that even his guidance is not enough to deter Snow from granting Milah all she desires. Snow and Emma are extremely sensible when it comes to their expenses. However, the guilt Snow feels because of Milah's lack of a happy childhood leads her to just about squander the little bit of extra money he was able to provide them with.

His friendship with Ingrid has endured through the years. He happily takes the role of Uncle to both girls.

Anna has found love at the young age of seventeen, his name is Kristoff and he genuinely adores Anna. He seems a little eccentric but it's clear that he is an honorable young man. Soon they will marry. That is the kind of relationship David so desperately wants for Emma.

David and Kristoff bond soon after their introduction and David even offers Kristoff a job at Nolan Importing & Exporting.

The threat of the business becoming a target for pirates indicates the success he has accomplished. There have been rumors of a pirate captain from Misthaven making a move towards David's company.

That is how David crosses paths with a dashing Navy Captain by the name of Liam Long. Liam has an impressive reputation at a young age. He has been successful in his counter attacks towards all acts of piracy so far. David befriends the young man and introduces him to his adoptive family.

The young Captain takes to Elsa quite rapidly. Elsa, on the other hand, is a little more closed off, but it's obvious the attraction is not one-sided. Elsa and Liam start by being friends and are slowly moving towards more.

Soon enough, all these lives, near and far, will be intertwined.

~~~~~

KPOV:

In a dark corner of the local Arendelle tavern, Killian is deep in conversation with some of his associates. His eagerness to conclude the transaction has blinded him to see the officers arrive. To be honest he had stopped paying attention to any sort of officials long ago. He was so used to the corrupt Misthaven legal system that would gladly look away in exchange for a small contribution.

He's finally wrapping up the once in a lifetime endeavor and soon will be able to return to his love. Suddenly chaos broke loose, and it becomes apparent that Killian Jones has become overconfident in his excitement to get back to Misthaven. There is an eruption of swords clashing, chairs breaking, and even some cloth ripping. The yelps of the injured are heard throughout the room as swords pierce skin.

The aftermath is bloody and devastating. There are losses on all sides. The dead pirates, civilians, and military are scattered on the floor. In death, nothing differentiates the men.

This is how Killian Jones finds himself rotting away inside the Arendelle prison. He was so close to returning to his love. He no longer feels the need to pillage and plunder. The infamous scoundrel had finally given his heart away.

He had found an odd familiarity to the arresting officer, and had asked one of the guards for the officer's name. The answer was a simple Captain Liam Long. He had felt a connection to the man and for some reason, he had thought of his mother.

He had been so young when his mother died, and the memories, although faint, had stayed with him. To satisfy his need for the connection and trying to never lose her completely, a total stranger had made him pause and now he was rotting away.

He should have killed the Captain when the opportunity had presented. His death would have easily guaranteed the escape of what was left of his crew on his beloved ship and he would now be back in Misthaven.

Killian comes to the realization that love only makes you weak. He had fallen in love, and now he is in a prison far away from where his heart longs to be. Weakness or not, he will find his way home, to Milah.

~~~Liam's POV:

Captain Liam Long was the pride of the Arendelle Navy. He had come from a modest upbringing. He was sent away for his best chance by his parents. He had been almost six years old when he had arrived at his Aunt Annie's house.

She had always talked so fondly of his father, John. She barely mentioned his mother. Every time he would ask if he could send a letter home she would simply say, "Sorry Liam, but your mother is very ill and she will not be able to respond."

Then not so long after his arrival, his aunt told him his mother had died. That is something a child doesn't forget, no matter how young. His father would send letters for years until he also succumbed to death.

Liam had grown up to be an exceptional young man. He was seventeen years old when he joined the Arendelle Navy. Pure dedication drove him to rise in the ranks and became Captain at 28 years old.

Now Liam and his men find themselves walking into a seedy tavern on a tip. Quickly surveying the scene and coming to the conclusion there is, in fact, a big deal closing gives them the reasonable cause they need. Liam acts fast and gives his orders, detain everyone, dead or alive.

Soon he comes face to face with a man that he feels an instant camaraderie with, it makes no sense to him. The man is a pirate; he stands for everything that is bad form. The battle is quick, and Liam gets the upper hand, he captures the notorious Captain Killian Jones.

When Liam visits his Aunt, he tells her of his latest capture. The look on her face when she hears the name Killian Jones gives Liam pause. "Why did the mere mention of that name make you white as a fresh sail? Who is he?" He asks over and over to no answer.

Finally, she gets up and reaches in the cupboard in her small kitchen. She pulls out an old letter and hands it to him. Liam takes a breath when he recognizes the handwriting, his father's.

He slowly starts reading it, and the name Killian Jones takes a new meaning for him. He has a brother. Now he remembers his mother's maiden name, Jones.

"Why are you giving me this letter now? Growing up you never once mentioned Killian to me, ever. Father didn't either in any of his letters until this his last letter. I could have gone to Misthaven to look for him! He grew up to become a pirate. He had no one!"

"I only followed my brother's instructions. He wanted you to forget about Killian. You were young enough that the memory would eventually fade," Annie sobs.

"Yet, somehow I find myself holding a letter that was meant for me to have read after his death. The telling of a sordid tale. He is still my brother and you kept it from me, why? Oh yes, I read that too. My mother made a mistake and Killian was born from it. For someone that has always told me how important doing the right thing is and to be kind to the less fortunate, you sure did not follow your own teachings."

Annie simply answered, "My brother, while on his deathbed, grew a conscience. What are you going to do?"

Liam smiled and answered, "Be an older brother and release him. My record is impeccable; I will get away with a slap on the wrist." Liam leaves his Aunt's house and heads to the prison while still holding the letter. Once he arrives, he tells the guards he needs a word with the prisoner.

Liam is guided to the well-known cells, and when he finally reaches Killian's, for the first time since they had been separated, he looks into the eyes of his younger brother.

Liam asks the guard for a bit of privacy.

"Captain Jones, I remember hearing you mention to your associates there was a very specific reason for your urgent return to Misthaven. What was that reason?"

Killian looks at the Captain who captured him, and for some reason, he knows this man will appreciate a story of love.

"I was heading back to my betrothed. I am to marry once I return. I will be leaving this life to become an honorable man." Killian answers honestly as he has nothing left to lose.

"I will personally escort you to your ship so you can make the trip. Better late than never. Before I let you go I would like for you to read this letter."

Killian looks at Liam suspiciously before agreeing. Taking the letter to the most lit section of the cell he begins reading.

Killian cannot believe what he's reading. He has a brother, and finally knows the reason why his father, no, his stepfather hated him, though the identity of his real father is not revealed in the letter.

Not long after the cell door is opened, he is quickly engulfed in a hug from his brother. He returns the hug awkwardly.

Liam explains to the guard how everything was a setup and that Killian, in reality, was the victim of foul play. It doesn't take a long time for the guard to finally agree to let Liam leave the prison with Killian in tow. His excellent military record is the reason why his explanation is not doubted.

Once back on the deck of his ship, Killian thanks his brother Liam and sets sail. Soon he will be with his love.

Tagging:

@hookedonapirate @kmomof4 @searchingwardrobes @seriouslyhooked @profdanglaisstuff @let-it-raines @revanmeetra87 @snowbellewells @hollyethecurious @kymbersmith-90 @branlovestowrite @thejollyroger-writer @shireness-says @ilovemesomekillianjones @thisonesatellite @thesschesthair @winterbythesea @stahlop @resident-of-storybrooke @superchocovian @lfh1226-linda @artistic-writer @thislassishooked @shardminds @winterbaby89 @xhookswenchx @ultraluckycatnd @gingerchangeling @laschatzi @wellhellotragic @xemmaloveskillianx @courtorderedcake @pirateherokillian @optomisticgirl @darkcolinodonorgasm @sherlockianwhovian @andiirivera @djlbg @nikkiemms @jennjenn615 @scientificapricot @officerrogers

#Captain Swan #cs ff #CS Crew #CS Mafia #teamhook SavageHeart

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dwellordream · 4 years ago

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Speaking of poor Matthew Abbott... do you think that there was any chance of him and Amy ending up happy and stable together, maybe even married with children, if Amy chose to be with him regardless of Tom? Or would Tom have murdered the poor man at first possibility anyhow? (Also, I imagine Tom HATED Matthew not only for being with Amy but being a pure-blood from a "good" family and having all the advantages Tom had to scrabble desperately for, right? Tom and his inferiority complex...

I’m not sure that the Amy & Matthew relationship was necessarily destined to last even had they stayed together, or even if Tom wasn’t in the picture. The facts of the matter are that they were both really young when they were together, and while it was definitely more common back then to stay with your ‘first and only’ partner, I don’t know if it would have lasted after graduation as they matured and became different people. Not because of any particular problem with Matthew or Amy, but just as a natural result of growing up. That said, had Amy been determined to stay with Matthew in spite of Tom’s... temper tantrum... I think it would have been dicey. Not that Tom would have straight out murdered him but I think he would have used every possible connection and debt owed to him to make their lives as difficult as possible, especially if Matthew wanted to become an auror. I imagine that might have just pushed Amy to be even more protective and attached to Matthew, but I think it would have gotten uglier and uglier as Tom gained more power within the Ministry and began a political career. I’m sure there would have been a lot of veiled threats, sabotage, blackmail, etc. Don’t even get me started on if they had children and were living this idyllic suburban life. I think it would have really festered away at Tom until it finally provoked some sort of massive backlash. I’m also sure Amy would have gotten a little proactive herself- we can talk about Tom’s rather merciless attitudes all day but if Amy were married to someone else and had kids with them and believed Tom was a threat to that family she’d created for herself? He wouldn’t be the only one considering murder. And yes, a large part (beyond just basic jealous and possessive attitudes) as to why Tom I think really loathes Matthew is less about Matthew as a person and more about what Matthew represents. Matthew is from a ‘good’ pureblood family that has managed to toe the line between being known as hateful purists or ‘disgraceful’ blood traitors. The Abbotts traditionally have kept their head down and their fingers crossed to avoid a lot of magical infighting. That doesn’t mean Matthew shares the same opinions as his parents and grandparents, but he has certainly benefited from being from a well-known and well-respected pureblood family with no scandals or nasty rumors attached to it. He was raised in a ‘normal’ nuclear family household in a nice area and had a very loving and happy childhood. He did well in school, was an athlete, made prefect, was generally popular with his peers, and went on to a pretty exclusive career as an auror with relative ease. Yes, Matthew is a hard worker, but he’s also got the sort of privileged background that has helped carry him along through life. He sailed through auror training, got promoted, has had a very successful career with a ton of accolades tossed his way by his superiors, married a woman he seems to love and care for who feels the same way about him, and they have a toddler daughter who they adore. It’s kind of a ‘what Tom could have had’ sort of mirror. Not that Matthew has never suffered or struggled in his life, but overall, he’s had a very linear, happy existence without the turmoil Tom and Amy have both gone through.

#ask #grass crown #matthew abbott

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potagepotiron · 5 years ago

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Hate crime

Season 3 of WTFock has ended, Robbe & Sander have found love and everyone is eagerly awaiting Christmas. It is a time to be happy. Well I’m not. I’m not happy because of how WTFock handled an important event that could have been a gamechanger for LGBTQ fiction. I’m talking about the hate crime that ended episode 28. The way in which this plot line was conceived, handled and received, tells you a lot of how our society views minorities.

Fist and foremost, I am a SKAM fan. I watched every clip and every remake. My favourite is Season 3. Because I’m a gay man. I also know this series can change people’s minds. How different crews made it into their own and are very proud about the result. So I had high hopes when a Flemish version of Season 3 was announced.

So I was watching season 3, had a few remarks here and there, and then came that slur. I’ve written about it earlier. To a gay man like me, familiar with internalized homophobia, the concept of using a terrible slur and throwing accusations at Sander like Robbe just seemed baffling. Do not do unto others what you wouldn’t want them to do to you. You wouldn’t subject another human being to such hate, because you know how it feels. Pure and simple. And then, the hate crime happened.

Let’s be honest, WTFock failed in handling the hate crime, from the absence of trigger warnings before the clip, to the immediate aftermath, right until the very end of the series. There was no middle ground, it either had to commit to its choice and be brilliant or fail. It failed miserably. It chose to portray Robbe & Sander as victims and refused to show any form of queer resilience. And even when it became clear, near the end, that they decided to have the attack trigger other major events in the story, the writers opted to not address the hate crime. And to the optimists stating that the attack could be dealt with in Season 4, I say this: too late.

Personally, I wouldn’t have included graphic violence in the first place. To me there is no value in showing violence. I seriously doubt its inclusion in a series aimed at a teenage audience, because the negatives (trauma and copycat behaviour) far outweigh the learning opportunities, even when handled perfectly. I couldn’t finish the clip. That night, I, a grown man of 35 years of age, was wide awake in my bed until 4 in the morning. I couldn’t sleep, knowing that a number of LGBTQ youth saw that clip and became afraid. Decided to hide in the closet for a bit longer, maybe. The scene simply is not worth it.

And despite my sentiments, the reactions online seemed to disagree: “we needed to show this. We needed to be shown this. People need to know.” I couldn’t understand. Trust me, I know about gay bashing. And so should you. I read all the articles in newspapers about the atrocious hatecrimes in Belgium and elsewhere. I know who Ihsane Jarfi is. Friends of mine who are in a relationship have been scared to go out late at night. I’ve been called names in the street myself. I know. The quesion is, why do I need to see two boys being beaten and left in the street?

I don’t think the depiction of a gay bashing had its place in WTFock. However, I do think that a discussion of homophobia should be included, albeit in another way. Gay violence and intolerance could have been a part of the talk that Robbe & Milan had. I’m not demanding to turn a blind eye to homophobia or to sugarcoat a story. Also, I myself am not blind to homophobia. On the contrary, I have encountered more of it this year than ever before. Belgian football, for example, is still rife with homophobic chants. And recently far right politicians have stressed the need to clearly define norms and abnormality with regard to sexual orientation and the rights to adopt or to get married.

The real question is what kind of homophobia the show chooses, wants to or needs to battle. Gay bashing is a radical example of hate, but hate has many forms. And all hate is the result of a much more complex undercurrent in Flemish society. Hate stems from fear of the unknown, indifference or lack of knowledge. And that is why Flemish LGBT interest group çavaria remains committed to eradicating homophobia in schools. This behaviour can be unlearned. Education is key. And that is why it was a good decision for WTFock to zoom in on the reactions of friends after a coming out. They could have gone the extra mile, though. Homophobia is far more varied and widespread than WTFock shows you.

Back to the hate crime. I wonder why the WTFock writing team missed the mark. Norwegian SKAM director Julie Andem demanded that research into the local youth culture should precede any adaptation of the original content. I’m finding it hard to believe that the gay community was on board with the decision to show a gay bashing. I consulted among my gay friends and all thought it was a bad idea. I also wonder whether or not anti-gay violence is a problem that is typical of Flanders. It’s hard to find reliable data on hate crimes and to interpret it because there could be a reluctance to report incidents, but there seems to be no significant difference between Belgium and its neighbouring countries, nor is there a statistically significant rise in homophobic attacks during the last years. There has been a rise, but that could be due to a higher percentage of people reporting incidents.

I’ve argued that the choices the writers made are bad, and that there is little or no claim to say that hate crimes are typical of Flanders, no more than anywhere else in Western Europe or Scandinavia, where the series originated and where gay bashing wasn’t included. But do I believe that the writers knowingly sabotaged their own writing efforts? Surely not. Yet, it’s hard to pinpoint why the series was developed the way it was without hearing from the makers. Chances are we’ll never know. Unlike their French or Norwegian counterparts, the screenwriters have, up to now, chosen not to communicate on the series. It is my perception that indifference to its LGBTQ audience, an appetite for drama and shock value and a degree of ignorance manifested itself throughout the series. That may or may not have been the intention of the makers, we can’t know, but it certainly had that effect on me as a viewer.

As always, a part of me that says I’m being too harsh. I can imagine it’s a lot less difficult and a lot more relaxed to write series on superheroes then it is navigating your way through the pitfalls of minority representation or gay televised fiction, a genre that exists less than 30 years and of which the rules are being rewritten constantly. It’s also not easy to have a number of militant gays like myself looking over your shoulders constantly, scrutinizing every line and every motive and picking on the one detail that got overlooked.

And should we dismiss the entire series because of this one incident? Let’s move on, Sander and Robbe are happy. Isn’t that a heartwarming prospect to gay kids? But this relativity is the problem. Silencing a hate crime not a detail. Showing violence on tv has repercussions, and they can’t be undone by having a cute gay couple smooch underneath a Christmas tree. A SKAM remake has a responsibility towards its audience. And it’s not that a chance like this comes around often. Budget cuts in locally produced fiction will mean it will take years before there’s another chance to see local gay fiction on screen. So every chance we get needs to be perfect. Because it will affect a new generation of young people.

Ultimately, the question is why it is so hard to have good quality gay stories, made by queer creators for a queer audience? Why was this series made by three white middle-aged men with a background in marketing, with only one of them with proven credentials in screenwriting? Why is it so hard to hire gay actors or to find authentic gay voices? Is it really necessary that a series like SKAM S3 contains “learning moments for the straight community”? Can’t we, for once, make a tv series without taking into account the heterosexual majority? It might be a bit tentative of me to say this, but I’m sure Niels Rahou, the writer of Season 3 of SkamFrance, wouldn’t have included a gay bashing scene. He has commented frequently on his scenarios, he is openly gay and he stated he would have benefited from a similar series during his adolescence. I don’t think the Belgian writing team wrote with the same sense of urgency or treated SKAM as a passion project.

To end, let’s go back to the original version of Skam Norway. The reason why the format was so revolutionary is precisely because being gay or coming out wasn’t a big deal. Jonas didn’t bat an eyelid when Isak told him he’d been with a boy. His friends were fine with it, and so were his parents. Isak faced an internal struggle, gradually coming to terms with and being the result of living in a heteronormative society. But ultimately the mopey kid with a love of sleeping waged a bigger war with his eternally overflowing locker. He just accepted his sexuality. In the end, though, Isak had grown as a person and showed serious committment to his boyfriend Even. But the eye-opener of the series was the way in which same-sex attraction was treated as something not to worry about.

As a reaction to the way in which homosexuality was depicted as part of mundane everyday life, people rightfully complained that this story was a bit too rosy. And it’s true, there is white middle class privilege in this story. Among certain communities, coming out still isn’t evident and living a gay life is considered unsafe for some people. Yet, Julie Andem would rather show her viewers with a vision of an ideal world, in order to help and comfort a LGBT audience, than care about what the public would think of the season. I think WTFock could have been more attentive to that message.

Luckily, for most of us, being gay doesn’t lead us to being the victim of a hate crime. That doesn’t mean we can turn away from the reality of such violence. But almost all of my gay friends have, one way or another, been confronted with various examples of homophobic behavior. More often than not, these instances are based on ignorance and are more small-scale in nature. Being called names in the street. A supposedly witty remark made by a drunk uncle at a Christmas party. Or take the well-known Flemish tv personality who, in all his innocence, made a plea for abolishing the Antwerp gay pride parade during a televised comedy show in june. He was applauded by the audience and genuinely seemed impressed by his clever, seemingly inclusive reasoning. More often than not, the threats the homosexual community face consist not of the raw violence of the physical attack, but of vulgarity, stupidity or ignorance. It is a potentially dangerous to narrow down homophobia to physical attacks and take the risk to have your audience believe that they’re in the clear as long as they don’t punch someone to death.

The only way things will change for the better is when the heterosexual majority steps up its game. This means they have to change, they have to start questioning their accepted beliefs, or how they educate their kids. Ultimately, they themselves won’t benefit from these changes, on the contrary, society as a whole will be a bit less tailored to them when heteronormativity is eradicated. Inclusivity is about the majority caring about the minority. So this is my advice to the WTFock team. Don’t care about clicks, controversy or drama. Don’t perpetuate the representation of LGBT individuals as victims of a harsh outside world. Dare to shake up old, established narratives. Show that homophobia is far more pervasive and far more subtle than the large-scale evil of a hate crime. And if you’re going down that route anyway, commit to it. Don’t brush it off. Status quo is no longer an option.

#wtfock #skam belgium #Skam

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