#because doing so would lead to my burnout and bitterness
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itspileofgoodthings · 2 years ago
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slowly, slowly, slowly learning how to bridge the gap in my teaching between overexplaining and underexplaining so I hit that exact sweet spot of getting the kids to the place where they’re interacting with a text that is absolutely over their heads and out of their leagues but their excitement, generated by me but sustained by them, and the right amount of scaffolding and explanation lifts them up to be able to meet it, enjoy it, learn from it, be affected by it. 
#teaching tag#it is MAGIC when that happens#anyway i've been showing them macbeth this year instead of reading it because we don't have time to read it#and i've been severely in my head about the uselessness of it#and how it's not doing anything#but i had a good talk with another teacher about it and she was like 'no no! keep going!'#and then today we watched the malcolm and macduff scene and i could feel the room listening to the language#not quite understanding it but reaching out towards it#and it was SO. GOOD.#it helps that the guy who plays malcolm is young and cute#tbh i would never underestimate the importance of that#me choosing my shakespeare adaptations carefully so they get to look at someone young and beautiful enough for a period of time#anyway teaching has been just the absolute doldrums for a couple months now and this feels like a nice break and streak of light#like i just can't ever rule out the possibility that their hearts can be caught by something that we're reading#despite my common sense telling me not to put too much stock into their emotional reactions#because doing so would lead to my burnout and bitterness#because you can't force anyone to fall in love#but you can set the stage and clear the rubbish and lay the fire for lighting#and just wait for a spark to catch#anyway this tension between the orderliness and peace and box checking that i WANT to be a part of my room .....#and the moment of a student just suddenly being illuminated. inspired. in love !!!!!!!#i love it. i love it a lot!
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johaerys-writes · 1 month ago
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Hi Jo! 👋 For Nameless and BBB plz:
6. Does this chapter/fic have any twists that you’re proud of?
14. What have you been finding frustrating with writing this chapter/fic?
I hope you feel better soon! ☕️
6. Does this chapter/fic have any twists that you're proud of?
BBB: I think the twist I'm most proud of in this chapter is the fact that Patroclus didn't just... leave 🤣 Like I honestly thought he would walk away at the airport, but he proved me wrong. Other than that there's another twist towards the end but I don’t want to give it away 👀
Nameless: lol I actually feel like there's going to be several twists as the fic goes on. It's quite idyllic now but things are going to get a little dark later on, especially regarding Pat's past 👀 I'm really excited to get to everything, this one's going to be gooooood
14. What have you been finding frustrating with writing this chapter/fic?
Honestly, the fatigue of the last couple months or so has really been getting to me. Like that's mostly my issue these days, that I don't have as much time and energy to write as I would like. I really want to get back to a routine of writing and updating regularly but I don’t want to push myself into a burnout. So I've been trying to take it easy as much as possible, but I still miss my stories and I get very impatient and cranky when I can’t work on them.
As for story-specific struggles:
BBB: It's not exactly frustrating, but it's really new for me to write a version of patchilles that is so toxic tbh, like an Achilles that is so self-absorbed and a Patroclus that is so angry, depressed and insecure. I do enjoy writing them being awful to each other LOL but I often have to stop and think about what would get them to act like this, and what experiences would lead them to being so bitter and self-destructive and how that would influence the story, so as the fic goes on I think more and more deeply about things. They've also been fighting me quite a bit and changing my plans but that's okay haha.
Nameless: I think the most frustrating but also rewarding thing about this fic is that I am completely unfamiliar with ranches, farming, cattle, the western/cowboy genre in general lmao, outside of watching a couple westerns way back. So I have to research every little thing very thoroughly, and each chapter takes time, and I can't just fast track to them falling in love or something because there's a lot I need to work on in between. It's definitely been an exercise on patience for me haha, but I feel like it's worth it because that world feels very alive to me and it's very satisfying to get back into.
Thank you for the ask!!
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vampyrrhik · 2 years ago
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burnout has been beating my ass fr but yaaaay i have cobbled together some form of reference for angel after a tragic incident w my ipad 🎉🎉 ill probably make a big proper sheet and post at some other point but im sleepy as hell
playlist for him here
playlist for general. band vibes
playlist for um. men who scream and cry and throw up about exes who hate them
☆ BONUS ☆
- PASS THE AUX
- his emo playlist he listens to whenever literally anyone mentions seven ever
a lotta hyperlinks going forward so u can give the bands i mention a listen!! :]
♡ his name is angel caine (he/they) and he's the lead singer of TEENAGE HOMICIDE.
♡ the general vibe of TH is new age riotghoul/ queercore / punk / indie rock, think dazey and the scouts meets måneskin. musical influences on angel themselves have been bands like system of a down/ bikini kill / propaghandi / cheap perfume and radiohead (and misfits alley obviously).
♡ his voice is androgynous bordering on a husky, feminine note, with prominent vocal fry at times. (i cant give u references for this, ill just have to project his voice in my mind directly into ur brain)
♡ his presentation on stage and off stage are pretty much the same, with the only differences being how dramatic the makeup is. generally the vibe they go for is riotgrrrl/ kat bjelland/ courtney love esque outfits (or kinderwhore, i suppose). off stage, they also wear a lot of baggy cardigans and band tshirts, though none of which are usually theirs.
♡ he can play piano and the lyre harp!
♡ he has a self-destructive streak and an unwillingness to compromise when he feels like hes been wronged. while he never initially harboured negative emotions about seven after their fight, the perceived sudden scathing hatred immediately following hurt a lot (eventually becoming bitterness and anger).
♡ he is incredibly sentimental and prefers to incorporate symbolism in the things he does. sevens initials are tattooed on his left ring finger, which is simultaneously a blessing and a curse. the tattoo is easily hidden considering his abundance of rings, however, finger tattoos require frequent upkeep which... angel still does. he claims its because its cheaper to get it touched up than to get it removed.
♡ he bakes when hes super pissed off which... good coping mechanism. but theres only so many cookies rowan can eat before it starts to get excessive.
♡ do not let this man near a magnet
♡ would literally sell all his limbs to meet g reign, he is down so fucking bad (respectfully).
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♡ he is... a very big fan of soft violence. nobody outside of the band knows this and he insists on keeping it that way. despite how he feels about seven, deep down, hes really proud of them and it makes him happy seeing them succeed. getting to hear their voice is just a bonus.
when the @infamous-if demo drops its all over for me, forever and ever 🫶🫶
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kimikayla · 2 years ago
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It is hard for me to reconcile the scattered and eclectic parts of my personality that I see from my previous online activity from years ago. The employment opportunities that did not lead me to the promised land of happiness. The effort was never valued or appreciated. I spent so many years, almost half my life I have spent chasing something that I was told was right. All the signs from teachers, parents, friends and society telling me to chase something larger. All the years I spent hiding parts of myself and denying those parts sunlight. These parts never went away, they festered and became bitter anger fighting to be free. I self-sabotaged and fumbled my way through employment, raw-dogging my neurodiverse awkward self through horrendous situations where my mental health was belittled, experiences of racism were dismissed by women of colour, yelled at by employers for daring to leave and supervised by white men who I can’t help feel would have treated me better if I was thinner and more attractive. 
It just figures when I stopped prioritising upskilling myself and choose myself, I find a renewed passion for work. I feel I had my so called “selfish” era during the pandemic where I was focused on keeping myself safe. Funny I equate with protecting my single self alone in a city without family in constant lockdown for two years as “selfish” because I was finally looking out for myself. I had little other choice, no one else was going to do it. Since moving cities again after yet another awfully triggering experience where I experienced complete burnout, I have found some peace in living quietly by giving up. Giving up was the most liberating thing I ever did for myself. It was revolutionary for me to realise that I don’t have to stay in a situation that does not serve me. I have always had to just put up with abusive situations since childhood and I never learnt that I could walk away. I gave up on that dream and path in life. I’m not sure whether it was a dream I actually wanted or rather just a vision of a life I could have in fear of having nothing at all. 
I like my spinster self - at home on weekends with my dog. I love the comfort of my bed and quietness of my home. I became self-sufficient as I always wanted and make the food I bought with my own money on the stove in my home. 
If I can dream it I can achieve it - though it may not be what I really want. Right now, I want to be happy and I am learning what that could be. 
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smoll-tangerine · 2 years ago
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ten reasons why i hate you: reason #4
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SYNOPSIS. while you admittedly didn’t refuse the arranged marriage between you and jung jaehyun, that didn’t mean that you’d allow him to treat you like a doormat. for the emotional distress he had put you through during the months leading up to your engagement party, you ensure that he will pay for the way he had been treating you for the rest of his life. 
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PAIRING. rich boy!jaehyun x rich girl!reader GENRES. angst, drama, rich kid!au CHAPTER WORD COUNT. 3200
WARNINGS. none. 
DISCLAIMER. this is a work of fiction based on fictional events and characters. it is unrelated to any real people, organisations, locations, and events. the laws, and legal and medical interpretations in this work have also been modified for storytelling purposes.
TAGLIST. @moonchele @crescent-iak​ @ahtisa02 @ghostfacefricker6969 @jaehyunnie77 @jungish @anya-writes-stuff @hey-won @ishireads @neoculturetingz @xxxx-23nct​ @peachibevuti​ (bolded = unable to tag)
[a/n]: apologies for taking so long with this chapter!! i’ve been super busy the past two months and lowkey went through another writing burnout for putting out too many stuff at the same time. i hope this long chapter will make up for it. next chapterf will be the wedding! pls leave feedback and comments, they keep me motivated♡♡ 
and if you’d like to be part of the taglist, pls send me an ask! it’s easier for me to see and keep track as opposed to directly commenting since these get lost in notifs :)
← REASON #3 || MASTERLIST || REASON #5 →
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REASON #4
“How are you feeling?” 
You refrained yourself from scoffing at Doyoung’s seemingly harmless question as he drove you back to your place from the hospital (i.e. your penthouse at Yuta’s hotel). Although you were the one who came up with this ‘revenge’ plan, you were starting to regret your recklessness as the plan was slowly taking a toll on you and your mental health. 
“What do you think?” you replied with a small snark. 
Doyoung’s jaw slackened at your question, one that was meant to be rhetorical. But somehow, he decided to answer it regardless. 
“I think this is your worst idea so far.” 
You closed your eyes and leaned back against the headrest. “What? Beating out the fact that I let you break up with me? I would have thought that you’d think that that was my worst idea.” 
An awkward silence ensued as you brought back a fact that you and Doyoung seemed to have kept under wraps for a while. Even though it had been close to three years since you two broke up. 
Or should you say, got your ass dumped by Doyoung?
You wondered whether the bitterness hidden behind the tone of your voice was because you were, in some way, still not completely over the break-up, or because you were annoyed and hated how Doyoung acted as if he was still your significant other. Either way, both things were in the past. Both of you should move on. 
“Ignore what I just said,” you mumbled. “Let’s just leave bygones be bygones.” 
You didn’t miss how he tightened his hold around the steering wheel as the rest of the car ride was spent in utter silence. You thought that the conversation was over, and you were about to bid Doyoung goodbye until he suddenly pulled you back as you were about to leave his car. 
“We need to talk,” he said with an unwavering gaze. “About us, your engagement to Jaehyun—everything.” 
You hesitated the slightest. After all, what was there to talk about, really? But you found yourself to nod at his request. 
“Tonight,” you replied. “Let’s talk tonight, after the charity auction.”
You quickly headed up to your penthouse and immediately lied down on your bed the second you came back home, the hospital shifts and your engagement taking a toll on you.  
As your engagement progressed, you started developing a knack for pissing off your future husband whenever the opportunity arises. Unfortunately for you, Jaehyun was the same. The relationship between the two of you became a pissing contest, one that is always about one-upping the other. 
It made you wonder just how exactly would you be able to fool all the paparazzi that will be present at the famous Nakamoto Group’s charity auction, held annually at the hotel that you were stubbornly staying at to spite your parents. 
“You look like you’re constipated,” you muttered through your smile to Jaehyun, who truly did look like he was constipated as he was forced to wrap an arm around your waist and pull you close to fool the photographers who were gobbling up the scene. 
“God, I can’t wait for this to be over,” he replied, stuck with the same expression as you. 
With the pictures over, you were brought over to your table where the rest of your group of friends were also sitting. You greeted Jennie and Krystal with kisses on the cheek, and said hello to Taeyong and Johnny, then hugged Yuta and then Doyoung (whose seat was conveniently next to yours). 
Krystal didn’t fail to miss how awkward the interaction between you and Doyoung was and shot you an inquisitive look from across the table, to which you ignored. You quickly took a seat and perused through the list of auctioned items, hoping that nobody else was as perceptive as Krystal. 
Meanwhile, Jaehyun kept fidgeting in his seat and stole glances around the room. It was only due to his weird behaviour that you noticed that the seat on his other side was empty. You looked around the table and saw that all of your friends were present. So, who— 
Ah. 
Of course he had to keep a spot for his girlfriend, huh. 
You made a mental note to yourself to have a little talk with Yuta later. 
Chaeyoung finally arrived fifteen minutes later. She seemed breathless almost as if she ran over here, and quickly apologised for being late. Her hair was in disarray and her clothes were disheveled. You kept your face neutral and refrained yourself from making any comments. The last thing you wanted was to get in a fight with Jaehyun’s girlfriend. If he were to invite her, then the least that asshole could have done was to at least provide hair and makeup to her. 
However, Jaehyun seemed taken aback with her presence and stuttered as he asked her what she was doing at the event. Chaeyoung mirrored his expression. 
“I received the invitation by mail a couple of days ago, addressed to me from you,” she answered meekly. “I thought...” 
If Jaehyun didn’t invite her, then who did? 
You locked eyes with Yuta, who raised his glass of wine at you with a small smirk. 
Who else, if not the person responsible for the event?
You mentally sighed at his unnecessary action—you can fight your own battles. You didn’t even want to think how Jaehyun would react if he were to find out, or worse, think that you were the one who invited Chaeyoung. 
Besides, Jaehyun should know better—why on Earth would you invite the girl, when you didn’t even care for her or her existence? Not to mention the headache you already have from dealing with Jaehyun. 
However, the obvious glare and slackened jaw were all you needed to know that Jaehyun thought that it was you who orchestrated this whole thing. 
And while you didn’t really want to be blamed for something that you didn’t even do, you also didn’t want Yuta’s friendship with Jaehyun to sour even though you were pretty sure that Yuta could care less. He’d always been the kind of person who didn’t care about the consequences of his actions, even the ones that would burn bridges. 
The auction finally started after a few more minutes of waiting. A lot of rare items and art pieces went up for auction, but no one at your table raised their paddle number.
“Come on,” Yuta whined jokingly. “You guys are my friends—don’t embarrass me like this.”
“If you want us to spend some money, tell your employees to put up something that actually catches our attention,” Jennie huffed and waved her chequebook around. “You think I want to come out of a Nakamoto auction empty-handed?”
Jennie had a point. The Nakamoto Group’s charity auctions—while cannot be compared to the likes of Christie’s and Sotheby’s—would once in a while auction pieces that the two most famous auction houses couldn’t acquire. Judging by the glint in your friend’s eyes, you suspected that Yuta probably had something up his sleeve.
“Don’t worry,” Yuta reassured you all. “I made sure that you’d have to spend your money this time around.” He then turned to you with an accusing finger. “Including you and your picky taste.”
You shrugged. “Sue me for having expensive taste.”
“Your taste is on a whole other level of expensive,” Doyoung said with a small chuckle.
“Oh, my God, yes!” Krystal gasped. “Remember when Doyoung got you a Montblanc Papillon Limited Edition of their Bohème fountain pen for your birthday? How much was it already?”
“I think each of them fetches for around $200 000 nowadays?” Taeyong said.
Chaeyoung choked at Taeyong words and exclaimed, “$200 000 for a fountain pen? Are you all mad? Why on Earth would you give someone such an expensive gift? Not to mention when you could buy any other fountain pen for way cheaper? Or you know, just a regular pen?”
You cleared your throat, hoping the dissipate the slight tension caused by Chaeyoung’s words. Neither of your friends expected Chaeyoung to understand how you all manage your money. However, they also didn’t expect her to judge them for it either.
“Well, it’s the thoughts that count,” you answered with a tight smile and attempted to explain why a fountain pen would cost so much. “But, when Montblanc came out with that specific limited edition, only six of them were created in total. Hence, the price.”
Yuta snorted. “If you think that’s expensive for a fountain pen, wait until you hear that it’s not even the most expensive one that exists.”
“Up next is the Heaven Gold Fountain Pen created by Canadian Anita Mai Tan of ALGems,” the auctioneer then said to his mic.
Your jaw slightly dropped at the news and you turned to a very smug-looking Yuta who motioned your bag, where your chequebook had been left untouched.
“Time to pull it out, I believe,” he said with a small wink.
“The Heaven Gold Fountain Pen drew inspiration from the changing alignments of the planets, an event that occurs only approximately every 500 years. This pen is constructed from pristine 24k rose gold, with its most remarkable feature being its cap—with its crest composed of 161 coloured diamonds that encircle a rare Tsavorite gemstone. A 5-petaled flower, a diamond, and a heart shape align to cascade down the pen clip. A total of 1888 diamonds are displayed on the Heaven Gold Fountain Pen.”
“Yuta, how on Earth were you even able to get this?” Taeyong asked in disbelief.
“Only 8 models of the Heaven Gold Fountain Pen were created,” the auctioneer continued. “Due to its feminine symbols and pink coloured gold body, this writing instrument is said to be designed by a woman for women.”
“Close your mouth, you’re practically drooling,” Doyoung whispered to you, unable to hide his laugh.
But before you could even retort, Krystal jumped in and dragged Jaehyun into the conversation (who, admittedly, you forgot was even there because of how silent he was). “Hey Jae, why don’t you get that for your fiancée as a wedding gift?”
Jaehyun who was silent from the beginning remained stoic as ever. You wondered if it was even possible for him to be quieter. His silence created an awkward tension. You were about to come to his defense when Doyoung decided to interject.
“It might be a little bit outside of Jaehyun’s budget,” Doyoung commented offhandedly. “Don’t force a man to buy something if he can’t afford it.”
Perhaps mentioning money (or his family’s) was a sore spot for Jaehyun. Although your circle was among the top 1% of the country, Jaehyun’s was in a way, the poorest of you all. It was no fault of his as the pharmaceutical industry and its modernisation was relatively new, and it was also no secret to any one in your circle that his family was desperate for a partnership with yours. 
They simply didn’t know that Jaehyun hated your guts with a passion. They probably knew who Chaeyoung was, but they probably didn’t expect him to still be with her while getting engaged then married to you.
“I can afford it,” Jaehyun grunted.
“Then why the hesitation?” Doyoung refuted back with a smirk.
You only sighed and took a sip of wine as you waited for the auctioneer to state the starting bid price. You could tell that the others (minus Chaeyoung) were enjoying the back-and-forth between the two men sitting at your sides, but honestly—
Didn’t they know that you could afford to buy the fountain pen yourself?
“Let’s start with $500 000.” 
Without hesitation, Jaehyun raised his bidding paddle, followed by Doyoung who raised the bid price to $550 000. You gave Yuta an exasperated look, silently asking him if he was happy with the situation, to which he simply snickered and continued to enjoy the scene that was happening in front of him. 
The back-and-forth between Jaehyun and Doyoung went on for a while, until the price for the fountain pen was raised up to $950 000. You puckered your lips in ponderation, knowing that the pen is originally valued at approximately $995 510. You then sneaked a look at your opponents who, at the beginning seemed very adamant in buying the pen, but were now starting to look very hesitant as the bid price slowly getting closer to the seven figures. 
You scoffed and rolled your eyes at them.
Men. 
“One million dollars!” Jaehyun burst out as he waved his bidding paddle around. 
You swore you could see Yuta’s eyes glint in pure delight. Not only was the charity auction he organised raising a lot of money, he had the front-row seat to the most amusing dogfight he had ever seen in his life, all that without barely lifting his pinky. 
A million dollars for a mere fountain pen. 
While you didn’t question whether Jaehyun could actually afford that pen or not (you were certain that he could), you also didn’t want your wedding gift from your, albeit detestable, fiancé (your fiancé, nonetheless) to be one that was given due to peer pressure. 
Your feelings aside for Jaehyun, wouldn’t anyone want to receive a wedding gift that was sincere and from the giver’s heart? 
But you also had a gut feeling that Jaehyun would come to regret his purchase. Even if you were all heirs and heiresses, not all of you carried that much money around, perhaps aside for you, Yuta, Doyoung, and Jennie. 
And your gut feeling proved to be right when you saw the way Jaehyun bit his upper lip out of nervousness and the way his eyes shifted anxiously at the number of extra zeroes. 
You sighed through your nose and lifted your bidding paddle. 
As much as you hated to admit, it wasn’t easy for you to be rid of your feelings for Jaehyun. After all, wasn’t there a fine line between love and hate? 
“Two million dollars,” you stated calmly as the room buzzed at your bid. 
Were you overbidding? 
Perhaps. 
But anything to stop this ridiculous pissing contest between your ex and your fiancé. 
“Two million dollars for bidder #27!” the auctioneer exclaimed. “Anyone want to bid $2.5 million? Going once. Going twice. And sold! For bidder #27. Congratulations!” 
Your whole table applauded at your new purchase, with Yuta pretending to tip a hat in thanks as your bid brought him in a lot of money. Given how happy your friend looked, you supposed that your talk can be postponed to another time. 
The charity auction eventually ended, and true to your promise, you and Doyoung had your talk as he walked you back to your penthouse. 
“There’s nothing else to say, really,” you told him as you two got off from the elevator. “Our relationship was over years ago.” 
But Doyoung didn’t seem to share the same views. 
“You know that I never wanted us to break up,” he told you almost sternly. “But–” 
“But, what?” you cut him off. “But what, Kim Doyoung? I should have moved with you to Germany?”
He slowly fell silent and seemed to hesitate to speak up. When he was finally able to put his thoughts into words, Doyoung refrained himself from talking again when he noticed that you two weren’t alone anymore. 
You followed his line of vision and was slightly surprised to find Jaehyun standing in the middle of your penthouse. You raised a questioning brow at him, not mad that he was there, just evidently very shocked, but Jaehyun seemed to have misinterpreted your look. 
“Y-Yuta gave me access,” Jaehyun quickly stuttered out. 
His presence aside, why on Earth would Jaehyun want to come see you at your place? Especially without looking like he wanted to get in a fight with you. The whole situation seemed awfully suspicious to you, but you figured you’ll entertain him a little. 
“S-should I come back at another time?” he asked awkwardly and spared a glance at Doyoung who, to his credit, managed to keep his annoyance in check. 
“It’s fine,” Doyoung replied with a tight smile and turned to you. “Let’s talk at the hospital tomorrow during our lunch break.” 
You hesitantly nodded and sent him off. 
“So.” Jaehyun cleared his throat awkwardly. “You and Doyoung, huh?” 
You raised a skeptical brow at him as you threw your bag on the sofa. “It’s old news and everyone in our circle knew about it.” You paused. “I’m surprised you didn’t.” 
“I met Doyoung when he was studying in Germany.” 
“Ah.” 
A painfully awkward silence befell upon the two of you. Although you were secretly grateful that, for once, your conversation with Jaehyun wasn’t one that led the two of you to either argue with each other, you didn’t like the fact that he entered your personal space—crossed your boundaries—without permission. 
“Why are you here, Jaehyun?” you asked with a tired sigh. “What do you want?” 
He seemed taken aback with your blunt attitude, but for once he didn’t refute back with the same spite. Instead, he rubbed the back of his neck and explained, “I was originally going to confront you about inviting Chaeyoung–” 
You heaved another irritated sigh. “I didn’t invite her–” 
“I know!” he exclaimed. “I know. Yuta told me everything.” 
Well, what do you know. Yuta does know what guilt felt like. 
Knowing your friend, it was probably due to your generous purchase that he spilled everything to Jaehyun. It made you wonder how he would have reacted if you didn’t bid for the fountain pen. But you learned not to look a gift horse in the mouth. 
“I see,” was your only answer. 
You glanced at your watch. It was close to midnight and you had an early shift tomorrow. 
“Is that all? If so, then I’m not going to walk you out. I have an early morning tomorrow and I need a shower.” 
But to your utmost surprise, Jaehyun didn’t budge. He looked like he had more to say but he kept fidgeting in his spot, like a little shaky lamb. 
Were you that scary? 
“You... have something else to say?” you asked in what you hoped to be a softer tone. 
Sure, you were on a warpath to destroy Jaehyun, but you weren’t a monster. 
“...Thank you,” he finally said, “for earlier.” 
You tilted your head in slight confusion. 
“Doyoung’s comment– It’s not the first time that I’ve heard comments like that,” he admitted. “And it got to me. I got a bit hotheaded and got into something that would have left me in deep shit with my father if it wasn’t for your help, so... Thank you.” 
You refrained yourself from looking too surprised at Jaehyun’s words and wordlessly nodded at them. It seemed to be enough for Jaehyun who then extended his hand for you to shake. 
“I think we got off on the wrong foot,” he said and smiled at you. “I’m Jaehyun.” 
An olive branch. 
Would you really be a monster for refusing to take it, though? 
“Nice to meet you,” you said after introducing yourself. 
Guess you’ll figure it out soon enough. 
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← REASON #3 || MASTERLIST || REASON #5 →
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chaotic-theatrical-weaver · 2 years ago
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The Hardest Part + Ellie’s isolated women, part one
Okay! Everyone gather around for a show because your Ellie IS NOT FINE. The plan is to do Part One from Elizabeth’s point of view, Part Two from Alana’s, and Part Three for the Misguided Torchbearers set. I’m going to go in the order in which I have this album’s songs on the characters’ playlists.
Starting with “Ready to Go,” which I feel encapsulates the self-fulfilling nature of Elizabeth’s fearful-avoidant attachment. I put it just before she realizes that John’s having an affair for that very reason.
“Is it what I deserve/To spend in the last of my love/On someone I knew that I’d always lose?/I stay, we��ll burn/’Til you leave first/So go, if you’re ready to go, yeah, make your move/No, I won’t follow/It’s inevitable and we both know that we’re on borrowed time”?! 
NO THE SADDEST PART IS THAT IT DIDN’T HAVE TO BE THIS WAY BUT HER FEARFUL-AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT PRECLUDES HER FROM ASKING JOHN FOR HELP, CAUSING HER TO BE MISCONSTRUED AS UNCARING WHEN SHE’S JUST DEPRIVED OF WARMTH AND TERRIFIED TO ASK. HELP. MY CHEST HURTS. You could have dropped my backpack on top of it and it would hurt less than this. Especially when you add my headcanon to this, which posits that she has alexithymia and finds emotions--both her own and others’--difficult to read, even though she feels so strongly.
This is really self-explanatory and I’m not going to add too much to it, so on to “Every Beginning Ends.” THE ENTIRE DUET IS THEIR DYNAMIC WITH ALL THIS MISCOMMUNICATION. THE ENTIRE DUET--special mention to the first verse, though. 
“You went to sleep without saying you love me/I guess I thought you already knew/You’ve been so cold and far from me, darling/Someone’s at fault, but I’m not blaming you” 
Now this goes from both perspectives, but the parallel between that and “Suspicion kissed you when I did, I never knew how I should say my love”?! It’s utterly destroying me. THEY JUST CAN’T EXPRESS IT AND THEY READ EACH OTHER SO DIFFERENTLY AND SOMEHOW EXPECT THE WORST, BUT THAT WHOLE TIME, THERE WAS JUST LOVE?! AHHH--
THEN THERE’S “My Side of the Bed” AND SOMEONE SAVE ME I AM SCREECHING, THIS IS JUST CONTINUING OFF OF “Ready to Go”!!!! Again, this entire thing is them (it’s so lyrically similar to “Every Beginning Ends,” but shoutout to the following lines:
“...I know you want space/It’s not what you said/But the way that you said that you’re fine/When you rolled over in your sleep last night/I thought you were leavin’ me/I know it’s not you, I believe there’s somethin’ missin’ in me”
AHHH THE PAIN. THE FEARFUL-AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT OF IT ALL. THAT LAST LINE--”I know it’s not you, I believe there’s somethin’ missin’ in me”--AND HOW IT RELATES TO HER BURNOUT FROM MASKING AND SUBSEQUENT FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY. “I counted myself so plain, so poorly made, no honest love should come to me”?! SOMEONE HELP WE FOUND IT. WE FOUND IT.
“My heart’s paper-thin and the softest of words can send me spiralin’/So I guess that my question after all of this would be/’Are you leavin’ me?/Oh, are you leavin’ me?’ “
I’m just gonna present this without comment. It’d hurt too much if I tried.
Moving past that into the heartbreak section--poor Elizabeth has had her fears confirmed and is left reeling. This of course leads us to “I Burned LA Down.”
“You left a hole in my chest when you left/And my heart followed you out the door/And I stood and bled in the hall, watched it all/And the mess that it left on the floor/If I gave you less, would you want me more?/And you could’ve said anything at all”
She blames herself for not being enough and wishes John had said something. If she had only known about the needs she wasn’t meeting, she would have done just about anything she could have, but it’s too late for that now.
“Ooh, embers in the dark/Can look just like shooting stars/To a bitter, broken heart/Oh, I wish I hadn’t burned the city down/’Cause you didn’t care, no, you didn’t care/Yeah, I burned LA down and you left me there, oh, you left me there”
As anyone would expect, she feels angry, but I feel like with those first three lines, it’s more at herself for genuinely believing she could have had anything resembling long-lasting happiness. The burning city represents the speaker’s own heart in my normal analysis, and that definitely fits here--for John, Elizabeth would be more than willing to burn twice as bright, even if she lost her own warmth in the process.
“You can’t even make a god of somebody who’s not/Even half of a half-decent man”
SHE PINNED SO MUCH OF HER HOPE ON HIM ONLY FOR THIS TO HAPPEN...MY HEART.
With that being said, it’s time for “Hardest Part,” where she’s struggling to come to terms with the fact that she’s no longer the same and has lost so much of herself.
“The hardest part of going home/Is facing that you’re getting older/And everything you’ve ever known/Is over/And all the paths are overgrown/The sun is down, it’s getting colder/And everything you’ve ever known/Is over, is over”
Elizabeth spends enough time staring in at her soul and “going home,” realizing that everything she thought she knew is gone:
“In your eyes, I see the fire/That so long ago was burning/Through our smiles, we tried to hide it/All the years that we’ve been hurting/We don’t get too long/That’s why I’m holding on”
THIS HIT HARD. SHE FEELS THE NEED TO MASK BECAUSE SHE GREW UP BEING TOLD TO HATE WHAT’S UNDERNEATH--THEY THINK IT’S DISOBEDIENT AND WRONG AND SHE INTERNALIZES THAT. THIS is what leads to so much of her pain! (And to think that my friend still doesn’t sympathize...Sunny, I AM IN YOUR CEILING READY TO JUMP DOWN. I can make quite a landing for someone so small...)
We finally get one relatively happy song in the healing section of the playlist: “Noah (Stand Still).” The main point of the song, “stand[ing] still” throughout adversity, is literally just the speaker coming to a conclusion on how to deal with life going forward after much reflection on the past, and it feels appropriate here:
“Just stand still/You’ll be right, you’ll be wrong/You’ll be fine ‘cause life goes on and on”
I recall a Tumblrite posting about loving life because you never think you’ll make it through things and then you always do. (I sadly can’t find the post anymore, but if anyone can, PLEASE LINK ME TO IT I DESPERATELY NEED IT.) That’s just it, a nice self-explanatory little package.
One more sad song before the torchbearing starts, and that’s “Loretta’s Song.” I’m not going to spend too much time on this because like the previous song, this one is also pretty obvious (and also since it’s a pretty personal one for Noah, even more so than the previous line, and I draw the line at comparing her real experiences to a play I’m too stuck on). Suffice it to say that “When I’m gone, don’t cry for me” and “‘Cause life’s too long for to keep regret/And love’s too strong to lay down for death/I know you’re hurting, but it’s not the end/So hold on, darling, I will see you again” reads rather similarly to John’s parting words for Elizabeth: “Give them no tear! Tears pleasure them! Show honor now, show a stony heart and sink them with it!” The ‘life’s too long for to keep regret” part in particular is also reminiscent of why he decided it was better to hang and keep his honor than live falsely and betray both his friends and his own values.
Okay, now that we’ve gotten past that, this is the last song in this post and it’s actually a relatively happy one, though also somewhat frustrated and tired: “I Just Want a Lover.” I already posted my analysis of it and as much as I’m trying not to rehash it all, I can’t help myself and I’m so sorry. Just live with it.
“In the united hate of America/The hearts are just as broken as the nation/Where all we do is tear each other down/Trapped inside this permanent staycation”
Salem goes around pretending it cares about its vulnerable, but in truth, it seems to consider some forms of vulnerability (young women and girls) worth more protection than others (homeless people, the elderly, scorned outcasts, and, from what little we see of Tituba, black people), and the ones that aren’t viewed as worth protecting suffer under this messed-up hierarchy of sorts (for lack of a better word because the only other one I could think of was “triage”), all while the town touts its so-called “protection” to make itself look like a community of godly people when it’s just full of hypocrites. The ones viewed as worth protecting (the girls) tear down other vulnerable people out of fear or for their own gain.
Elizabeth looks out at this and is righteously angered by it. She realizes she’s been living under such a system since childhood, where her “difficult” behavior was viewed as willful disobedience of authority and therefore sinful. She was reduced to her mistakes, and doubtless many others who have done worse than she has have suffered the same way. This in spite of the fact that God is also forgiving and “a mistake is just a state of [one’s] identity.” 
As the town’s hypocritical cruelty increases (”the twisting of the knife”), people try harder to pretend things are fine (”the bend until the break”) and accept the little bits of fake protection the system pats itself on the back for offering (”A kiss and I go blind/Can’t see it’s just my fate and it’s unlivable”). Elizabeth therefore concludes that society needs to fulfill its promises instead of lying and offering false hope for its own benefit: “I just want a lover who’s in love with me/Not another liar making love to me.”
The second verse is just her in Act Four: 
“I picked my conscience over clarity/And deal with the disparity/It’s anarchy/And the narcissists all run at me/With guns ablaze, no empathy, insanity” 
In other words, she chose what’s right (refusing to make John confess, even if that refusal meant losing him) over what’s clear (asking him to confess and keeping him, allowing the system to intimidate others into believing in it once more) and cannot believe just how unjust the results were. Parris and others like him try to talk her out of letting this happen, not empathizing with her desire for her husband to keep the goodness he’s long strived for.
Anyway, I am sorry for keeping you this long (THIS IS 80% OF THE ALBUM, PEOPLE, not counting bonus tracks) and it will likely happen again. Still, stay tuned for the next two parts. I hope they won’t be this bad. Please pretend this is a normal time for me to post this and a normal thing to do to procrastinate on homework with. I got barely anything done today and I’ll have to wake up very early tomorrow as compensation. I’m horrible, I know, but I hope I’ll have my redemption arc soon.
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volvolts · 4 years ago
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trying again. im gonna talk about my ocs. its pretty long and kinda incoherent idk
first start with robin
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idk how to make the picture smaller so im sorry
- her name is robin wright and she’s 17
BACKSTORY
- her mom is a cyberneticist and her dad is a neurosurgeon. they do research on cyborg’s disease and have a company that makes prosthetics. they’re really rich because if it
- robin also had a twin brother named ronan (she’s the younger twin btw). he died when they were 15 because he had a rare case of cyborg’s disease in the brain. his death was so traumatizing for her that she doesn’t remember the months surrounding his death. she doesn’t even remember the funeral
- after ronan’s death, robin’s parents put her into isolation for two years. they pulled her out of her classes and activities and she barely got human interactions during this time
- eventually she had enough and begged to be allowed out which they do--as long as she has a bodyguard with her at all times. the problem? robin had a hard time getting along with most of them. in fact, ryuji is kind of a last resort. if she doesn’t get on well with him, she’ll most likely be isolated until further notice
random facts
- she’s really smart, a natural genius you could say. she was on her third year in college before she was pulled from it (she’s studying to be a neurosurgeon like her father). she’s one of those organized highlighter/color coded note takers too
- robin is a very compassionate person and is compelled to help others as much as she can. 
- stubborn and determined, she’ll pursue nearly everything and won’t back down until she has answers. sometimes she doesn’t know when to stop and accidentally oversteps her boundaries. it’s not because she’s needlessly nosy but because she wants to know the whole story before she can help them
- she has a overactive imagination and would end up thinking up outlandish ideas to fill in the blanks of things she doesn’t know
- robin is one of those people who’s polite and reserved if she doesn’t know you but will talk your ear off when she’s comfortable with you
- she closer with her father, which is why she’s studying the same subject that he works in
- both of her parents are incredibly successful and she’s expected to do something similar so she has a lot on her shoulders
- she hasn’t worked a day in her life but she has unusually strong endurance and stamina
- she has a dog! he’s a golden retriever and his name is beck. he’s an old dog and she loves him very much 
next is ryuji
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- his name is ryuji lor and he’s 22
- he also goes by “ryder” (technically he’s supposed to go by that throughout most of my half-baked story because he never told anyone is real name but that’s beside the point)
- he’s a quarter japanese and three quarters se asian (not really sure what kind yet but im thinking somewhere within the vietnam/laos area)
BACKSTORY 
- a bit of TW: FAMILY ABUSE in this passage so skip if it bothers you:  his mom got pregnant with him while she was in college and because her boyfriend bailed on her and stress of the pregnancy and burnout she dropped out and went back to her family. she was seen as “the good one” of the family and was expected to get a good job to get her family out of poverty however when she came back they were incredibly bitter that she “failed” and would verbally and emotionally put her down. They also blamed ryuji because if he wasn’t born then she wouldn’t have dropped out and he was often ostracized because of it. 
- fortunately he and his mom left when he turned 5. they lived in a small apartment and had to get lots of help from neighbors and friends to make ends meet (mostly to babysit ryuji while his mom worked). ryuji vowed to get smart and get a good job to give his mother the life she deserves (and partly because he feels a part of her really does hate him and he wants to make it up to her somehow because if he doesn’t, was he just a parasite like what his aunts and uncles said?)
- when he turned 10, his mom got married and how he has two moms. they’re hard on him but it’s from a place of love so he tries his best to be a good son by studying and staying out of trouble
- at 17, ryuji has a bit of hope ahead of him. he has a part time job, good grades, and maybe a scholarship if he could qualify. suddenly he’s diagnosed with cyborg’s disease in his eyes and arm. they can’t afford either of his surgeries, let alone one. and that’s not going into the prosthetics and rehab afterwards. at night when they think he’s asleep, ryuji hears his moms arguing about how they’ll be able to afford any of it and what they’ll have to do to pay for it. 
- he can’t take it anymore. he runs away
- he ends up in a city he doesn’t recognize and is just allowing himself to die but he gets saved by irving, a back alley repair doctor. he gets prosthetics thanks to her but is now in a massive debt so he works as her assistant and also finds other jobs on the side to repay it
- his backstory is getting really long so things happen in ryuji’s attempt to make money and he ends up also working with ace, who leads an organized crime group, as a handler whose job is to fight/intimidate/kill whoever. 
- a sudden coincidence also ends up working as robin’s bodyguard which starts everything. honestly he’s didn’t want to do this job at first but robin’s parents are willing to pay a good amount of money and it allows him to have time away from his jobs with ace
random facts
- he’s left hand but learned to be ambidextrous, however he’ll usually default to his left hand
- he wore glasses when he was younger (near sighted; it was super bad but he didn’t like it)
- he’s afraid of dogs. it’s not a full on phobia but they make him uneasy because of a childhood thing. (he’s more of a cat person and maybe pets a few stray cats that come across his house every once in a while)
- he doesn’t like people staring at him. he feels self-conscious because of the scar on his face and the shadowed bags under his eyes and people staring at him don’t help
- ryuji is really good with prosthetics repair and can go into in-depth discussions about the mechanics of it all; he actually really enjoys working on it and actually helped design his own arm
- he’s really smart but he had to work really hard to get there and because he never finished his education, he doesn’t really think he is either
- ryuji tries to give off a “i don’t care about anyone” bravado to try and distance himself from everything. but he really cares. like a lot. the few people he has in his life right now, he’s ride or die for them
- ryuji works himself to death to ignore his problems. he’s afraid if he stops moving, he’ll buckle under the pressure and stop forever
- he has a knife hidden in his prosthetic forearm which he will use if he feels threatened. (it’s probably a stiletto knife or something idk yet)
- ryuji is an early riser; waking up at 9 am feels like sleeping in to him. he’s not even that much of a morning person, its mostly out of habit
then there’s castor
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- his name is castor oda and he’s 24
- he’s japanese
BACKSTORY
- he lived in a really strict and controlling family who owned a business where he had his entire life planned out for him up to who he was going to marry. he’s always been angry about it because he has older siblings who will take over the company and it’s clear that more of a control and image thing than anything else
- when he went to college, it was his first time actually be away from his family and became friends with a guy named ben. 
- ben helped castor when his family kicked him out at 19 and gave him a place to stay until he could get back on his feet
- castor loved ben like a brother and is forever grateful for him
- ben mysteriously disappeared when they were 21 and everyone is pretty sure he’s dead but no one knows why
- castor wants to find closure on what happened because he’s definitely sure there’s something shady going on and he’s going to find out what.
- he’s an information broker, occasionally crossing paths with ace to relay and gather info but for the most part, castor has been working alone
- when he’s not doing that though, he works as a barista at a coffee shop
random facts
- he has cyborg’s disease in his right arm and when he lived with his family, he was deeply self-conscious about it
- he hasn’t spoken to his parents since they kicked him out but he still talks to his siblings sometimes; he’s the youngest child with two older sisters
- he always had an inkling that ben had romantic feelings for him, which was unrequited, and castor always felt a little guilty that he never reciprocated or that they never got to talk about it
- castor always wears his red scarf no matter the occasion or weather; he has more scarves but he just likes the red one the best
- people think he’s like calm and collected but in reality he’s an impulsive, emotional driven idiot just like the rest of us
- however he is the master of the polite business smile because of his strict upbringing
- he’s a rather disorganized person
next is irving
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- her name is ellie irving and she’s 35
- she’s half black, half white
BACKSTORY 
- i don’t have that much solidified for her backstory yet so it might change fyi
- irving had been doing cybernetic research back in college but someone plagiarized her work and submitted their paper before she came forward
- because the paper was published before she published hers, SHE was initially hit with backlash of plagiarism
- eventually they try to sort it out but in the end, while she proved she didn’t plagiarize the other, she couldn’t prove that she came up with the research first and they just terminated the both her and the plagiarist
- she was barred from going into higher cybernetics research and honestly she’s still a bit bitter about it
- she went into prosthetics repair instead but still struggled to find work because of her alleged reputation, which many still believed she stole another’s work
- eventually she manages to open up a shop that specializes in prosthetic repairs and replacements
random facts
- she’s really harsh and aloof, however she cares in her own way
- honestly irving doesn’t believe herself to be a good person due to how she feels she let herself to bitterly sulk in her anger for so long
- she smokes a bit but she’s trying to cut back lately
- irving won’t pry if you come to her with a broken arm and you need help; she’ll fix you up and leave it at that and allow you to come to her yourself
- she’s incredibly observant and can tell if your lying with just a glance
- she doesn’t know that ryuji works for ace; she’s concerned when he seems more tired than usual but she doesn’t know how to pry
last one cuz im tired
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his name is ace (i don’t have a last name for him) and he’s 32
- he owns an organized crime ring; im thinking he’s connected to something bigger and possibly something with the black market
- not much is known about him but he’s a charismatic man and has the intimidation factor 
- he flips his demeanor a lot. one minute he’s jovial and kind then the next he’ll give you thinly veil threats. he mostly does it to keep people on their toes so it’s a power thing
- begrudgingly he’s the closest thing to a father figure ryuji is gonna get
- also the jacket ryuji always wears? it’s a gift from ace
and that’s all i got so far! i have a lot more ocs but i don’t have have a lot of backstory for them yet. let me know what you think of these guys and feel free to ask questions!
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rantylawblr · 3 years ago
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hello, I'm in eleventh grade currently and a CLAT aspirant.
I've heard a lot of people say that they didn't really prepare in 11th but wish they had. However, I really don't know where to start. I'm in coaching but I find it really hard to focus as they barely teach and it takes too long. I'm willing to put in time myself but am not sure what material to start with as current affairs and detailed facts don't make sense as I won't remember them for that long. Math looks hard but I think it may be too small portion of the paper to start with. Also, I've heard people say GK is really hard so do I start learning static gk? Any tips will help!
Heyy, so as someone who started prepping in 11th, here are a few tips. These might be bitter pills to swallow, but I'd have been grateful to anyone who would have told me these things then
Prepping in 11th isn't going to boost your chances by a lot tbh. I started prepping in 11th and the format changed by the time I got to 12th so all my prep went to waste.
What you can do in 11th is start with maths, english and legal sections. Your gk prep should start next year. For now, focus on these three subjects.
Static doesn't help much unless you're giving ailet and slat too. Your static prep should go parallely with your CA prep if you wanna focus on clat.
Clat prep can lead to a burnout, don't pressurize yourself in 11th.
Once again, focus on these three areas. Math is the easiest section in clat, and five marks can make 100s of ranks worth of difference. Don't let any section go just because of a bias against a subject.
Quality over quantity. I know kids that cracked clat with two months of prep, and those who couldn't crack slat with two years of prep. Clat isn't one size fit all. You need to see if you can manage to consistently work towards it. If you're someone prone to burn outs like I am, I'd suggest just reading the newspaper casually and taking a livelaw subscription, and then starting hardcore prep in 12th.
Don't go by other people's advice honestly. You know what's best for you. Listen to what everyone has to say and take your own call. Hit me up if you have any more doubts💗
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aion-rsa · 3 years ago
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Godzilla Singular Point: The Weird History of Jet Jaguar
https://ift.tt/3jvPBwC
The latest take on Toho’s iconic, building-crushing lizard comes in the form of Godzilla Singular Point, an anime series now available in dubbed form on Netflix. Taking place in the not-too-distant future, this reimagining of the King of Monsters involves a group of human characters becoming aware – through rather bizarre ways – of a coming apocalyptic event. Now the only thing that can save them is a behemoth out to punch monsters and look out for the little guy.
No, not Godzilla. He’s actually the apocalyptic event. No, our hero is none other than Jet Jaguar.
Yes, it’s finally time for Jet Jaguar to get his due.
A concept nearly 50 years old at this point, Jet Jaguar is one of those characters who was initially doomed to fail, but lives on due to nostalgia and the golden notion of, “I realize most people hated that thing from my childhood, but I bet I could make it good!” At best, he was a rad addition to the Godzilla mythos. At worst, he was a dumb idea from a dumb movie. For the most part, he’s remembered as something goofy that gets laughed at, despite having some genuine earnestness.
Jet Jaguar was created from both a fan contest and a corporate game of telephone. Back in 1972, to jump on the bandwagon of tokusatsu giant superhero/robot shows, Toho asked fans to design their own superhero design. The winner was a half-man/half-bird robot with a lengthy neck resembling a stack of rings named Red Alone. The concept was turned into a full-on rubber costume, but they changed the color scheme, which upset the young winner. They later decided to just scrap the whole thing, keep the color scheme, and make their own new design. And so, Jet Jaguar was born.
The superhero made an entire one movie appearance in 1973’s Godzilla vs. Megalon. As the urban legend goes, this was initially intended to be a standalone Jet Jaguar movie that the studio just didn’t have faith in towards the end and they hastily threw in Godzilla and recurring Godzilla villain Gigan. While the claim is dubious and unproven, it certainly is easy to understand where the allegations come from.
Everything about the movie feels rushed. As the last-minute replacement for another Godzilla film that didn’t pan out, filming took several weeks and production was a mere six months. Even the Godzilla costume was whipped up in record time. As for the story, outside of the intro, the preexisting elements (Godzilla and Gigan) aren’t thrown in until about 2/3 into the movie. Up until that point, it feels like a Jet Jaguar vs. Megalon movie with the production team hitting the panic button.
The plot of Godzilla vs. Megalon is that a scientist Goro Ibuki is working on a robot called Jet Jaguar, along with his little brother Rokuro and his best friend Hiroshi. They get wrapped up in a plot involving a group of beings from Atlantis-But-Not-Really, who are annoyed at all the nuclear bomb tests going on in their neck of the woods. They steal Jet Jaguar and use him to guide their insect god Megalon to different cities for the sake of smashing them up and punishing humanity.
Goro and friends get their hands on Jet Jaguar’s controls and use him to lead Godzilla to where Megalon is. Then the Seatopians call some alien friends for a solid and have them send in Gigan. Jet Jaguar is able to break away from all control and becomes fully sentient, as well as revealing the ability to turn into a giant. It becomes a big tag team battle, mostly remembered for Godzilla doing the silliest dropkick you’ve ever seen, followed by a second one for good measure.
The villains escape, Jet Jaguar and Godzilla shake hands, they go their separate ways, and Jet Jaguar reunites with the humans heroes after shrinking back down. He gets his own snazzy theme song to close things out.
In Japan, the movie wasn’t all that successful. As the thirteenth title in the Godzilla series, it brought in the worst returns yet. Between public burnout and the movie’s lack of quality, it just wasn’t grabbing people. That said, it came out at just the right time in the United States. Released in 1976, it came out months before the anticipated King Kong remake. The American movie poster for the movie even bit on the King Kong poster by featuring Godzilla and Megalon duking it out while each standing on a different Twin Tower, even though the movie at no point took place in the States.
A year later, the movie would be cut down into 48 minutes so they could broadcast it on NBC in prime time, across an hour with commercials. The only reason I mention this at all is because it was hosted by John Belushi wearing a Godzilla costume, which is sadly somewhere in the abyss of golden lost media.
Getting back to Jet Jaguar – the topic of this article – I feel the need to bring up Germany’s handling of the movie’s translation. Rather than call him “Jet Jaguar,” they referred to him as “King Kong.” I mean…sure, why not. Even weirder, when the next two movies introduced fellow giant robot MechaGodzilla, Germany once again referred to the robot as “King Kong.” Guys, I know what you’re going for here, but it doesn’t work that way.
Anyway, Godzilla vs. MechaGodzilla and Terror of MechaGodzilla followed Godzilla vs. Megalon and closed off the classic Showa Era of Godzilla movies. Not only did Japan need to rest Godzilla as a concept for nearly a decade, but this also meant that whenever Godzilla would come back, it was going to be some kind of reboot or new “only the first movie counts” installment. Jet Jaguar was never high on the list to be brought back, especially since MechaGodzilla completely overshadowed him.
He would at least get a little more exposure in 1991 when Godzilla vs. Megalon was featured in the second season of Mystery Science Theater 3000. While much of the episode is spent making fun of one of the Seatopians for looking like Oscar Wilde, they toss plenty of jokes at Jet Jaguar. Most memorably, they “translate” Jet Jaguar’s ending theme, which notes that his mother never loved him and he looks a lot like Jack Nicholson.
Due to rights issues, Godzilla vs. Megalon is one of the few MST3K episodes that is no longer legally available for viewing. This does make the original MST3K Collection Volume 10 box set (which included Godzilla vs. Megalon as one of the four movies) a collector’s item, as it was later discontinued and rereleased with The Giant Gila Monster taking its spot.
A stranger use of Jet Jaguar comes in the form of Certain Distant Suns’ music video for “Bitter” in 1995. While there’s not much of a narrative outside of the band playing, footage of Godzilla vs. Megalon being shown, and a few shots of guys walking around in Megalon and Jet Jaguar costumes, I really insist you give the video a look due to the ending. It certainly goes in a direction I wasn’t expecting.
In 1997, Jet Jaguar made his next official appearance in another frankly bizarre spectacle. In Japan, a series called Godzilla Island appeared on TV in three-minute increments. While it only lasted a year, there were a whopping 256 episodes, meaning almost 13 hours of footage. If you’ve never heard of Godzilla Island, you might be thinking, “Wow, almost 13 hours of Godzilla stuff? Why isn’t this more well known?”
Well, it probably has a lot to do with the fact that instead of using guys in rubber suits, the kaiju action was done with action figures. Yikes.
Not only did Jet Jaguar show up during these adventures, but they gave him the 90s superhero action figure treatment. Much like how they released as many figures of Batman as possible for different crime-fighting scenarios, Godzilla Island gave us Silver Jet Jaguar, Medical Jet Jaguar, and even Fireman Jet Jaguar. Collect them all!
Read more
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By Don Kaye
In the early 2000s, Godzilla: Destroy All Monsters Melee was released for the GameCube and Xbox under the Atari brand. It was a fighting game featuring various characters from Godzilla lore and though Atari wanted to include Jet Jaguar, Toho refused. Still, at least Megalon was included in the game. There would be two sequels in the form of Godzilla: Save the Earth and Godzilla: Unleashed. FINALLY, Jet Jaguar was playable, because if there’s anything you can count on, it’s scraping the bottom of the barrel when you’re working on multiple installments of a nostalgic who’s who project.
He’d also return in 2014’s Godzilla game for PlayStation 3 and 4. The producer of the game didn’t even plan on putting him in there, but he saw that the programmers already were working on him and just shrugged it off. There was a special trick to summoning Jet Jaguar as a boss character. By ending up in three different Godzilla vs. Jet Jaguar scenarios and winning all three times, you would then unlock a special cutscene of the two shaking hands while a confused military woman would wonder about their history.
Around the mid-2010s, IDW Publishing was all about releasing a bunch of comics with the Godzilla license. Their mainline series was Godzilla: Rulers of the Earth, which went on for 25 issues. Early on, Jet Jaguar appeared out of nowhere during a fight between Godzilla and the team of Gigan and Orga. In human size, Jet Jaguar flew into Orga’s mouth, then expanded into giant size, causing the beast to explode. Especially awesome was that it came with the cliffhanger text, “Next: PUNCH! PUNCH! PUNCH!” a reference to Jet Jaguar’s theme song from the movie.
Jet Jaguar showed up regularly in the series, coming off as Godzilla’s designated driver friend and handler. What I mean is that he seemed to be out to protect Godzilla, but that meant having to keep his violent ally on task (ie. pointing out that Gigan was nearby to stop Godzilla from attacking Jet Jaguar) and throwing punches when the situation absolutely called for it.
This continuity played up Jet Jaguar as more enigmatic than anything, as although he was mechanical, the only human character who knew his origins was killed off before it could be explained. Even one of the invading alien villains saw him on a screen and basically went, “Oh crap. It’s THIS guy!” Regardless, he still came off as a total badass, winning fights against Godzilla, Gigan (the chainsaw-hand version), and Destroyah.
Then again, at one point he needed to be saved by the 1998 American Godzilla, which at least proved as a reminder to the robot hero that there are Toho characters far more hated than him.
Toho started using Jet Jaguar again, albeit in sillier ways. In 2019, as an April Fool’s Day prank, they put up a teaser on YouTube for a Jet Jaguar movie. They also had him appear a few times on Godziban, a Godzilla web series for kids that, once again, used dolls and action figures to tell its stories.
Now Jet Jaguar is a major part of Godzilla Singular Point. To get into specifics on the plot would be like explaining advanced calculus, but to keep on-topic, Jet Jaguar is the creation of Goro Otaki as both a way to ward off monstrous threats and as a company mascot. Considering King Kong’s role in King Kong vs. Godzilla was “kidnapped to be a company mascot,” maybe the Germans were onto something with the rename.
Anyway, this version of Jet Jaguar is more mechanical in appearance instead of having to rely on making him look like a human in a costume. Jet Jaguar is there to protect the heroes from the endless supply of monsters, usually taking some extensive damage. Still, the robot gets rebuilt stronger and stronger and becomes advanced enough to become self-aware and speak in…well, the voice of a teenage girl.
I don’t know, I guess I just figured he’d sound like Astro Guy from King of the Monsters.
There’s a big hard-to-explain twist, but the main thing to know is that Jet Jaguar becomes a full-on badass by the end of the series, turns out to be a huge key to the plot, and has a completely kickass showdown with Godzilla. In a way, Jet Jaguar’s journey in Singular Point is a lot like in real life, going from a lame idea that appealed to kids and gradually being understood as a respected part of the Godzilla mythos. Something initially representative of the worst of the franchise, proven to be something genuinely cool in the right hands.
Now it’s time for America to return the favor. Once again, timing is on Jet Jaguar’s side. The Monsterverse was on its way to the graveyard after the box office intake of Godzilla: King of the Monsters, but Godzilla vs. Kong came out at just the right time in the tail end of the pandemic to be a big success and keep the series going a little bit longer. There aren’t too many names in the toybox left to pull out, but at this point, Gigan and Jet Jaguar have to be high on the list.
cnx.cmd.push(function() { cnx({ playerId: "106e33c0-3911-473c-b599-b1426db57530", }).render("0270c398a82f44f49c23c16122516796"); });
Make it happen, Hollywood!
Godzilla Singular Point is available to stream on Netflix now.
The post Godzilla Singular Point: The Weird History of Jet Jaguar appeared first on Den of Geek.
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dadzawa-adopt-dabi · 5 years ago
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Learn some dam self care Keigo.
Dabi has noticed Keigo getting tired.
"What's the matter? Don't they don't give you Heroes breaks?" He mocks to cover up the sliver of concern.
"Not me." Is the short and bitter response. Its genuine for once.
Dabi puts off the next meeting for a few days to try and give him a break. Spying and working double shifts nearly everyday is obviously leaving the Hero with little time to rest. He’s not worried, really he isn’t, but Keigo may have stumbled a few times last meeting. He caught himself and didn't appear drunk wich leaves exhaustion.
When he messages the hero again it's just to tell him the next meeting time and location. Hopefully the dumb bird has rested up and they can get back to exchanging information.
Dabi ends up running a little late again. Toga wouldn't leave him alone about meeting Hawks and he had to shake her loose before he came to see him.
Keigo is curled into the corner of a sofa and is folded into his wings when Dabi walks into the warehouse.
"No greeting birdy? And after i let you have time off" Dabi notices that Keigo actually dosnt look much better than he had a couple days ago. He makes a note to check social media and see if Hawks had been pulling double shifts the entire time.
"It's fucking cold. Let's just get on with this." Keigo grumbles from inside the cocoon of his wings. He sits himself up straighter but keeps his wings around himself as a makeshift blanket.
It's about 20 minutes into the conversation before Keigo stops talking midsentence. A few moments later he falls forward and Dabi rushes to catch him.
That's it. Its officially intervention time. Keigo is obviously being overworked. He had stopped talking at several points in the meeting, loosing his train of thought or dozing off before jolting himself awake. He's looked him up on his phone while Keigo was struggling to stay awake and Keigo hasn't had a night or day off in weeks. Its past a burnout pace.
So it's not a complete surprise when he finally gives up and falls asleep.
Dabi calls Kuroguri and tells him to pick him up and prepare for a guest as Keigo struggles to wake up again. Keigo is mumbling at him and trying to stand but stumbling, so Dabi walks him straight back into the opening warp gate.
"Your meeting the boss. Oh and I'm kidnapping you until further notice." Dabi casually states and follows after him to see Shigaraki steadying him on the otherside. He had on his gloves he usually used for gaming and was scowling at Dabi already. Kuroguri had warped them right into the living room.
This is going to cause shenanigans and Shig knows it.
"Is he drunk? He can't even stand. What are you doing bringing him here right now?" Shigaraki let Keigo go when he tried to jerk out of his hold.
"I- I'm too- I can't, Dabi?" Keigo mumbled and moves toward Dabi.
"It's fine Keigo. Shig is just concerned. It's fine he's got his gloves on." Dabi muttered to the tired bird and put a hand on his shoulder.
"Is he drunk or what?" Shigaraki hovered nearby.
"Remember how I was saying the Hero commission was pushing him too hard? He's not drunk, just sleep deprived and exhausted. So I kidnapped him"
Shigaraki scratched at his neck.
"Is he always like this? Is there anyone coming to look after him?"
"Not as far as I know. Hey Magne can you start a bath? He's pretty cold." Dabi started leading Keigo down the hallway.
Toga appeared at his elbow and got a good look at Keigo.
"He can use one of my bath bombs. He looks like he needs some self care."
" You can lecture him on self care when he wakes up later." He continued supporting Keigo and was guiding him down the hall to the bath.
" Can you make sure he stays upright in the bath?" Shigaraki asked Shuichi in the corner.
Shuichi hoped up passing his game to Shig to save for him.
"I can bath myself." Keigo insisted and pulled away from Dabi. Waking up a little bit more. He stumbled again and leaned against the wall.
"This really isn't necessary, I appreciate it, but this happens all the time."
Shuichi grabbed his hands and pulled him upright causing a glove to slip off.
"Shouldn't happen at all" muttered a concered Kuroguri from the kitchen as Shuichi made a choked sound.
Keigo snatched his glove back and shoved it on.
"Fuck that's gotta hurt dude, no need to hide those here. I've got mine long. No one cares if I cut them or not bro" Spinner spread his hands out to show Keigo the talons Magne and Toga had painted just a few days ago.
He took Keigo's other hand and tugged off the glove. Keigo's nails revealed as talons clipped short and frayed.
"Dabi can keep watch." Keigo muttered. If this was going to be how he met the rest of the LoV it was better the devil he knew with him while he was vunerable.
Dabi wheezed behind him and coughed to clear his chest.
"Not a good idea" he coughed out.
"No he can not. He would be useless" Shig said while trying not to laugh.
"The hell you all standing around talking for? Let's get bird boi bathed changed and in bed. Not Dabi's bed. They're still not at that point evidently" Magne stated.
"I'm not a child. And I have patrol in 3 hours. I can't just skip." Keigo followed anyways. Sleep sounded so nice and technically he was still spying while he was here.
"Stage one kidnapping and get Kuroguri on a soapbox for Hero treatment and schedules. Got it." Sako grinned.
"You better give me that soapbox. First Shouta now this young man. I've got quite a bit to say to society on how much they demand from heros." Kuroguri appeared to be writing a speech already.
"I'm here so how are you going to fake a kidnapping?" Keigo was really getting tempted by the idea of that rest. Why the hell was the LoV so nice? Maybe if he asked Dabi would dry his feathers off for him?
Too nice. All this sounded too good to be true.
"Magicians never reveal there secrets"
"Wouldnt you like to know feather boi?" Toga cackled as she reappeared with gold and pink bathbombs.
"Keep your secrets then. Also thank you Toga I've been wanting to try these." Fuck it Keigo decided. He was tired and could spy properly when he more rested. This was somehow nothing what he expected the LoV to be and everything Dabi had implied they were for him.
"We are talking about whatever the hell these guys think is going on when I wake up" Keigo took the bathbombs and followed after Shuichi. Only bumping into the wall a few times.
Keigo only nodded off in the bath once and Shuichi threw a rubber duck at him when he did.
"What else does the Hero concil have you hide?" Shuichi asked trying to keep Keigo talking and awake.
"Um I have a 3rd eyelid my visor obscures? My talons are actually my fault at this point. I have to regularly clean and straighten my feathers or use them all up. They are a lot of maintenance but most of its second nature at this point." Keigo stuttered in some parts.
"Eye markings?" That's something Shuichi was actually curious about.
"Not makeup. Most people just assume its eyeliner but I was born with them." Keigo finished rinsing out his hair and held out a hand for a towel.
"Cool. Dabi thought so but I totally thought it was eyeliner."
"How often does Dabi talk about me?" Keigo shrugged into some sweats and a shirt that had a deep v already cut for his wings. That was thoughtful.
"He talks about you a lot."
"Does he like me or something? Do you think he would mind helping me dry out my wings? I dont want to annoy him" Keigo went to leave.
"How are both of you this clueless? You are literally wearing his sweats. Yes he would help you with your wings. we all would if he would challenge us to a pvp for the honor." Shuichi facepalmed.
"They kinda suck though, and make people uncomfortable. My feathers are basically a bunch of knives. Maybe Toga wouldnt mind? She likes knives" He muttered and shuffled towards the room he came into. There had been a couch and he could always use his wings as a blanket. Wet or not he would pass out almost immediately.
"I've never seen Toga and Dabi fight yet and I am not eager to see it now." Shuichi nudged him towards a diffrent room.
"Your rooms over here."
"I have a room?" It was probably because he was so tired but Keigo started crying. They were so nice to him already.
"DABI, your bird is crying. Come fix him." Shuichi yelled towards the main room.
There was some cussing heard and a few seconds later Dabi was beside him.
"Why you crying pretty bird?"
"I'm mostly just tired but you guys have been so nice! I have a own room already and you kidnapped me and my shirt has holes cut and no one minds my talons." Keigo babbles and leans forward until his head is resting on Dabi's shoulder.
"Well yeah, as soon as I started talking about you seriously joining us Shig set you up a room. The sweats and sleep and acceptance is just basic decency. Let's get you in bed." Dabi led him in the rest of the way.
"Wait can you dry my wings? They're wet and gross and Spinner said you wouldn't mind? I promise they won't cut you." Keigo muttered. Dabi would probably say no but he was too tired to detach them all and spin them around until they dried.
"Sure. Go to sleep already birdy."
Keigo finally got to sleep knowing it would be for more than a couple hours. Dabi running his heated hands through his wings was definitely something he was going to ask for again.
Fuck the commission he was staying here. Maybe Toga could give him a face mask next time.
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highfaenyx · 5 years ago
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Rey deserved better.
Back in 2015, I cannot describe how excited I was for the Star Wars series to be continued. 
These were movies which I have watched over and over and over again, throughout my whole life, the original ones and the prequels alike, ever since I was a middle grader. I’ve flown the X-wing with Luke, shot blasters with Han, cradled hope with Leia; laughed at Obi-Wan’s dramatics and Yoda’s antics, mourned Qui-Gonn with them, fell for Padme and Anakin. They were a fantasy in space, a myth of a modern age, and I - ever fascinated with stories and legends and mythology - grew to love them with all my heart.
Naturally, I was over the moon that the series were continued. Moreover, the main character was a woman. A girl.
I cannot begin to describe how important that was (is!) to me - to see female pilots in the Resistance fleet, boarding ships and repairing engines, leading squadrons and commanding from the bridge. To see a girl wielding a sword, mastering the Force, telling her own epic story.
I loved Luke, always, a farm-boy who became a Jedi like his father before him. But she - I loved her even more than him, and that says a lot.
Her name is Rey, and she deserved so much better.
From the first moments we see her on Jakku, we are hinted at her utter, complete loneliness; how she feels like she is stuck, desperately, at this place which is - effectively - nowhere; how she still persists, hoping for her family to come back. She is strong, unyielding, intelligent and fast, and doesn’t really need anyone to provide for her. What she needs is - care, understanding, gentleness, love. A family. 
(Hint: we all do. Spoiler: we are not enough.)
A lot of things have happened in my life since the Force Awakens. I have finished my degree, changed fields and went to grad school. I have moved to another country, picked up a language, traveled around the globe, started living on my own. Got a burnout, hit a low and pulled myself up and standing again.
As years went by, I started seeing more and more of myself in Rey. The loneliness I’ve felt as a child subtly translated into my adulthood; the passion and fury of my teenage years have turned into a controlled anger in my veins. I struggled  - I still do, in all honesty, though it is better, I promise - with social anxiety; with not feeling worthy of love, affection, with feeling a need to prove that I am; a remnant of my childhood traumas. Sometimes I feel that I am lost and don’t know what is my place in my story at all. 
In the Last Jedi, I saw - for what might have felt the first time - a hope for myself, a hope for a better future, a hope to have a modern mythological trope which would allow me, a woman, to be strong and loveable at once. Have anger in my veins, and bravery, and intelligence - and yet be accepted, and understood, and - ultimately - loved and not belittled, not reduced to my strength and intelligence only.
I want a career, and I want a belonging, and I want a family. This a no-go theorem of my life, of many women’s lives, and the bitter truth of the society we live in is that I have to remove one of the claims in order for my life to happen.
Rey was given an arc of a warrior, a Jedi, who is also seeking for an understanding and gentleness and love. Spoiler - she finds it. Spoiler - she loses it to a silly, illogical cause.
If we condense it, really, down to its core - all Rey truly wanted was an understanding; someone who would feel as lonely as she does, as isolated as she does, and share it with her. Someone who could heal her, and she would heal them in return; not a protector, not an enemy, not a friend, not a teacher. An equal, and Ben Solo was (is) her equal - in every way. She didn’t want the lightsabers, being a Jedi, the Resistance family, the Millennium Falcon - these were all necessary to her path and her fate, yet secondary.
 She wanted simple, humane, quiet happiness with the person she shared this unique bond with, and, in the end, that’s the only thing she doesn’t get. What’s worse, Ben wanted it, too.
When Rey is denied her chance for love, I am also denied my chance for being worthy of strength and love at the same time. We are not allowed to lead a career, be a hero of our own stories and - still - find love, have children. 
I look around myself, and almost every woman who is successful and respected and makes a difference in my particular academic field, is alone. Rarely they have an understanding, compassionate partner; even more rare is to have a kid - whereas almost all academically renown men have a family, and (mostly) wives who support and care for the household and children.
Is it too much to ask to be a woman and a Jedi all at once?
The answer we are given is a yes. 
(What’s even worse, in the end, her strength is attributed to her heritage and heritage only. So much for the message that greatness can come from anywhere.)
I believe that Rey will do everything and anything possible to bring Ben back. I hope that she succeeds, and gets what she has wanted all along. And if not - well, her story is a tragedy, and I will do everything in my power to defy it. To avenge it. To prove it wrong.
I will fail - but failure is the greatest teacher of all, and others will learn from my mistakes, from our mistakes - and continue the fight.
Rey deserved better. Rey deserves better - because we do, too.
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itawonka-creates · 5 years ago
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Seabourne Burnouts: Part 10 - No Longer Adrift
Maribat! On Deck AU
Thank you @particularlygeeky and @imfreakingmagical for beta reading and @particularlygeeky for chapter name idea!
Start [Here] [Part 9] [Part 11]
Bruce was getting more and more frustrated as the days passed. The surveillance videos from the boat and from the jail didn’t give him anything to work with. He passed through each video, frame by frame, countless times. He watched as the pirates seemed to materialize out of nowhere, there was no other ship passing, they were in the middle of the ocean and were suddenly being invaded.
He rubbed his eyes, watching the oddly similar henchmen rampage through the halls. They didn’t even look to be looking for something like the gunman said, they were just going through the ship causing chaos. He slammed his fist on the table re-watching the pirates in the jail cells suddenly disappear without a trace, leaving behind two young boys. One was injured in his leg, shot. He slowed it down and watched as the camera seemed to glitch and show a purple-black screen before the camera came back into focus and everyone was gone.
Bruce was running through the list of known villains in his head. The gunman said joker was a part of this, didn’t he? He mumbled to himself, “Is Scarecrow a part of this?” He shook his head, “No. No. He messes with minds, not cameras.” He let out an exasperated sigh before sitting back down in his chair. He rubbed his temples and groaned, “None of my theories make any sense, all the villains are in Gotham. They wouldn’t come all the way to Europe to rob me. It would be easier just to raid the manor while it was empty.” He ran his fingers through his hair, “None of them are that stupid.” He thought for a moment before laughing to himself, “Okay, maybe Harley.”  
“So are you gonna keep talking to yourself in the dark or are you going to actually join us on this cruise?” He quickly turned to see Tim in the doorway.
Bruce allowed his eyes to adjust to the hallway lights and pinched his nose, “Tim, don’t do that.”
“When was the last time you slept?”
Bruce rolled his eyes and smirked, “Isn’t this conversation usually the other way around?”
“Bruce I’m serious. We haven’t seen you in days.” Tim narrowed his eyes, looking at the footage on the screen, “Oh, that’s what you’ve been up to.”
Bruce closed the footage and turned off the computer, “Barbara and I have been looking at this footage forwards, backwards, frame by frame.”
“And?”
Bruce looked disheartened and bitter, “Nothing. They just disappeared. No one saw anything, no residents ever reported anything, nothing. They vanished.” He shook his head, “Usually they leave a clue or lead or something I can work with. This time? Nothing. I’ve checked back in with Gotham and no one has heard anything about a job to overtake a ship. All the villains are accounted for too.”
Tim hummed, “But the one guy had Joker’s laughing gas.”
“I know.” Bruce stood up and stretched out his back until he heard a crack, “What day is it?”
“Bruce, seriously?” Bruce looked at Tim with a very serious expression and Tim rolled his eyes, “It’s Wednesday.”
Bruce’s eyes widened slightly, “I’ve been down here for over a week?”
“Apparently.” Tim went over to Bruce’s side and looked over his mentor, “I swear, Alfred would’ve never let this happen.” Tim straightened out some of his clothes and Bruce yawned, finally letting the exhaustion hit him. Tim sighed, “Have you been keeping up with everything?”
“I know about the Akuma attacks if that’s what you’re asking.”
“No, I meant with your son.” Bruce raised an eyebrow at Tim and Tim just smirked, “Come on, you’ll want to see this.” Tim opened the door and motioned for Bruce to follow him, “Besides, you need to go back to your room. Seriously, you need to bathe.”
Bruce rolled his eyes and walked out into the hallway, letting Tim lead the way as they walked out of their little maze below deck up to the higher floors. Tim continued up until they were walking towards a balcony overlooking the main deck, Jason and Adrien already there. Jason turned back and grinned, “He’s alive! Who knew?”
Adrien turned around and smiled, “Nice to see you again, sir.”
“Bruce is fine, Adrien.”
Adrien smiled and nodded before turning his attention back over the balcony. Jason led Bruce over to the balcony and pointed at two figures standing closely together by the railings. “What am I looking at here?”
“That, my dear Bruce, is your blood son actually bonding with someone.” Jason grinned and did everything in his power to not burst out laughing at Bruce’s shocked expression. The bags under his eyes only made the look more exaggerated, making it even harder not to laugh.
“That’s not Damian.”
Adrien snickered, “It is and that there next to him is our little Marinette.” He sighed and leaned against the rails, “They’ve gotten very close.”
Tim let out a small ‘Ha!’ before turning back to Bruce, “We found out they do this practically every night after they’ve visited the captain and think everybody else has gone to sleep. They don’t do anything but talk, sometimes they lean on each other, but it’s still cute to see.”
“I’m more so surprised you three haven’t interrupted them.” Bruce turned to see Jason and Tim look slightly offended before the two shrugged and nodded, knowing damn well Bruce was right. “So why aren’t you guys crashing the party?”
“Because I won’t let them.” Bruce turned to see Alya, Nino, and Dick walking up the hallway. All of them were in pajamas and looked amused. “I refuse to let your sons ruin this for my best friend.” She nudged Dick forward, “Just caught this one trying to interrupt.”
“I just wanted to know what they were talking about!” Dick smiled nervously under Bruce’s tired glare before the old bat turned his attention back over the balcony. Dick relaxed and looked at the couple, “You know Damian is doing a lot better.”
“Is he now?”
“Alya, can you show him the photos?” Alya chuckled before handing Bruce her phone. Bruce scrolled through the feed before landing on a few photos. It was mainly of the group of classmates, but Damian was one of them. To a stranger, you’d think it was just a photo of friends. They all looked like they were having fun, even in the photos where some were squabbling with each other or where Damian looked like he was in the middle of scolding someone, and it looked natural. To Bruce, it was like looking at a different child altogether. He found a photo of the three boys holding bags from the day they first docked and smiled. “He looks so normal. It’s crazy, right?”
Bruce nodded and handed the phone back to Alya, “Make sure I get a copy of all those photos.”
Alya smirked, “Only if I get my interview, Bats?”
Bruce tense and Tim jumped in, “She thinks you’re Batman. Don’t humor her.”
Alya glared at Tim, “You’re just mad because I have way more leads than you do.”
Bruce blinked and turned to Tim, “Leads on what?”
Nino snickered, “He thinks Marinette is Ladybug.”
Bruce looked back at the girl next to Damian, “Is she?”
“She has to be. No one is that badass without some kind of history of crime-fighting.” Jason turned to Bruce and shrugged, “Plus, she took that night of the raid. She came up with a plan on the spot and, most importantly, bossed you around.” Jason watched as the gears in Bruce’s head begin to turn and smiled, “I’m telling you, she’s Ladybug.”
Adrien rolled his eyes, “Uh-huh. And I’m Carapace.”
“Who?”
“The turtle one.” Tim frowned and turned back to Alya, “Hey, where’s Chloe?”
“She said she needed to catch up on her beauty rest tonight.” Alya walked up to the railing of the balcony and pointed the phone at the couple below, “It’s fine. She’s not missing much.”
Bruce took a step back and looked over the group. He didn’t realize how close the Françoise Dupont kids have gotten with his own.  If he were to take a picture, nothing would seem out of place. The group looked so comfortable with each other. It was jarring, but not bad by any means.
Dick turned back to the group, “Alright. Enough spying. Let’s leave them be.”
“You’re just bored.”
“Yes, I am.” Dick began herding the group away from their vantage point and laughed, “It’s late. Let’s go.”
Bruce watched as the rest of the group groaned, but complied with the eldest. He hung back and walked next to Dick, “What have I missed?”
Dick chuckled, “You want to adopt five more kids?”
Jason shouted over his shoulder, “At least can we adopt Marinette?” The kids shook their heads and laughed and Bruce realized it was part of an inside joke.
Bruce looked surprised, “You’re all very close aren’t you?”
Nino turned back to Bruce and smiled, “Your kids are great company, my dude. Seriously.”
Adrien snorted, “You sound like a parent or something. ‘Oh, your kids are great!’” Adrien turned to Bruce and grinned, “He’s right though. This is the most fun any of us have had in who knows how long.”
Bruce frowned, “Really?”
Alya stretched and nodded, “Hardly any Akuma attacks, new friends, new theory, and I see my girl find romance? Best. Vacation. Ever.”
Tim rolled his eyes, “You’re theory doesn’t stand.”
“You’ve seen the evidence I gathered.”
“All substantial.”
“So is yours.”
Bruce watched in amusement at the two glared at each other, both determined to out investigate each other. It was rare Tim found someone to compete with, but he seemed to have fun. Alya reminded him of Tim when he first came into their lives; spunky, smart, stubborn, and fired up. “I’m Batman, huh?”
Alya nodded, “I’ll prove it. I know I can. Every bone in my body is telling me I’m right.”
Jason laughed, “You sure you aren’t constipated?”
Alya blushed and pushed Jason playfully, “No!”
The group laughed at the antics and Bruce turned to his oldest, “So what’s happening with those two? Any progress?”
“You mean Damian and Marinette? They’re inseparable.” Dick chuckled, “It’s actually kind of cute. They hang onto each other, but I don’t think they realize it. The way they bicker with each other is hilarious to watch, too. It’s like an old married couple.”
Alya laughed, “Plus, she’s the only one who can calm him down if he starts to get too annoyed.”
“It is getting harder for him to say no to her.” Adrien hummed in approval, “He gives Marinette a run for her money. He’ll randomly say things that just make her light up and embarrass her, it’s kind of great.”
Jason nodded, “Oh my god, what did he say yesterday?”
Nino thought for a moment, “Wasn’t it something like ‘I’m not leaving her’ or something?”
Tim laughed, “Oh yeah, the guide for the last city we visited wanted to separate them! He got so mad and wouldn’t leave her alone.”
Bruce couldn’t believe most of the stuff he was hearing, “This is Damian? My son Damian? Damian used to be al Ghul now Wayne, that Damian?” The group all nodded and Bruce scoffed, “She’s magic isn’t she?”
“If we’re right, she’s magic.” The group came to a split in the hallway and the group went their separate ways. The family waved goodnight to the classmates before walking through the halls towards their own rooms. Tim broke the silence, “So Bruce still can’t find anything on the videos.”
“Really? Did Barbara-“
“She looked through them, yes.” Bruce pinched his nose, “We can’t figure it out. How does a whole crew of raiders just disappear?”
Jason frowned, “All I know is if I find the bastard that threw Marinette overboard, I’m killing him.” Bruce sent a warning look to Jason and Jason didn’t even flinch, “What? I’m serious. He could’ve killed her.”
“So you think killing him is the answer?”
“It’s an answer, one I’m going to enjoy a lot.”
Bruce sighed and stopped walking, making the other three pause as well, “None of this is making sense. They disappeared, Akumas have popped up in a few of the cities we’ve visited, what is going on?”
“Have you tried letting Alya watch the video?” The group turned to Dick who only shrugged, “Out of everyone in Paris, we got the one person who knows all things Miraculous and Ladybug. If you think it might be an Akuma, she’ll be the one to confirm or deny your theory.”
Tim groaned, “Then she’ll actually know he’s Batman. The girl might’ve been naïve when it came to Lila, but she’s not dumb.”
“That reminds me, what happened with her? That Rossi girl?”
“Still a liar, but at least now Marinette has her friends on her side.”
Bruce did not miss the small scowl Dick sent Tim, “What happened?”
Tim flinched and Dick nudged him to talk, “I may have snapped at Alya and completely outted Lila to her.”
“That’s a bad thing?”
“It is when you yell at her and her friends to prove a point instead of just protecting your friends.” Dick sighed, “You still can’t figure out why you were so mad?”
Tim groaned, “No, I can’t. All of a sudden I got so pissed and then next thing I knew I was shoving my phone in her face. Everyone was yelling. And then the migraines-“
“Migraines?”
Jason nodded and frowned, “Migraines. I’m pretty sure everyone on the ship had them.”
“Everyone except Marinette, Adrien, Damian, and Lila.” Dick hummed, “I don’t get it.”
Jason snickered, “It’s the power of love. Damian is so head over heels for Marinette he wouldn’t notice if he was having a migraine anyways.” Jason sighed, “Adrien probably gets them all the time from the flashing cameras at his photoshoots. I wouldn’t be surprised if he just wasn’t bothered or didn’t even notice it.”
“And Lila?”
“She’s just a bitch.”
Bruce turned to scold him, “Jason!”
Tim and Dick shrugged, “True.”
Bruce was about to say something to his sons before noticing Dick’s shirt, “Where did you get that?”
Dick looked down and smiled, “Marinette made it for me.” He did a quick spin, “Red and black and Nightwing themed. It’s perfect.”
Bruce’s expression deadpanned, “You’re really walking around like that while a junior reporter is actively investigating our family?”
Dick shrugged, “She’s investigating you, not me.” The four stopped in front of Bruce’s room and Dick looked over Bruce one last time, “Get some sleep. Me and Tim can look over the video again tomorrow. You need to rest.”
Bruce’s shoulders fell, but nodded. He knew they were right. He went into his room, locking the door behind him, and headed for the shower first. All the while, the two teens at the center of attention continued to talk against their spot on the railings.
“So let me get this straight, Dick was part of a circus?”
“It makes sense why he acts like a clown now, doesn’t it?” Marinette snorted and lightly hit Damian’s arm. Damian chuckled, “Don’t act like I’m the only one with weird people in my life. You know two famous singers.”
“Jagged and Clara don’t count, they’re family now.”
“Mine are family too and I still make fun of them.”
Marinette smirked, “I noticed.” She sighed and looked over the water, “Where are we landing next?”
“Well, it seems we’ll be in Portugal soon. I suspect we’re visiting Lisbon next.”
She nodded, “You think there’s going to be another Akuma attack?”
“I hope not.” Damian sighed leaned against the rails, “Who do you want to investigate next?”
“I don’t know.” Marinette looked over at Damian and looked back at the past week. After the second Akuma in Pontevedra, they decided that Hawkmoth had to be on the ship. The only problem was he wasn’t talking to any of the Akumas. They couldn’t figure out what he was trying to pull, but Damian figured he couldn’t be losing all of these corrupted butterflies. It had to be coming from somewhere and considering it was only happening in the cities they visited, Hawkmoth had to be on the boat. “Have you noticed the mood recently?”
“What do you mean?”
“Everyone’s been on edge.”
“Makes sense, there are Akumas on the loose.”
“No, no, no. Like everyone is upset. I get being paranoid because of an Akuma, Paris is like that all the time, but this is different. It’s like everyone’s worst emotions are being amplified.” She sighed, “Alix and Kim went into a full-blown argument over something, Alya wants to kill Lila-”
“Still don’t know why you won’t let her have a go at Lila.”
Marinette frowned and nudged him before continuing, “Tim snapped at us, the staff gets frustrated easily. It wasn’t like this in the beginning.”
Damian sighed and thought it over, “Tension is rising and everyone is stuck on this boat. You can’t run from your problems here, you have to deal with them.”
A sudden breeze made Marinette shiver and she glared at the water, “Too cold!”
“You’re yelling at the sea.”
“I know.” She stuck her tongue out at the ocean and, as if to respond, another gust of wind nearly froze the poor girl.
Damian laughed, “You’re having an argument with water and loosing.” She glared at him, shaking from the cold, and he just rolled his eyes. “Come on. You want to go to the den?”
Marinette’s eyes lit up and she nodded before scurrying off inside the hall, away from the wind. Damian shook his head and followed her, close behind. Marinette looked over her shoulder and laughed, “Wanna race, baby bird?”
“Let’s do this Bug.” The two smirked and suddenly started running full speed up the stairs and through the halls. Damian looked over at the girl, he was impressed she could keep up with him, unbeknownst to him she was thinking the same thing. The two locked eyes and started laughing as they continued to sprint through the ship. He admitted to himself he felt odd. Doing things with this girl and her friends, talking together, doing things as mundane as racing for no reason, it made him feel some kind of way. Nothing bad, just unusual. He wondered if this was how a normal kid was supposed to feel like playing with their friends. He refused to say it out loud, but he considered them friends despite knowing them for such a short amount of time. 
Then there was Marinette. The nicknames started as a joke due to the theories being thrown around. Marinette decided if he kept calling her Ladybug then she should call him something. Without much thought, he told her to refer to him as Robin - Batman’s sidekick. He hoped she didn’t think too much of it and, unlike him, she didn’t pry the way he did if she was suspicious about something. Now, they had themed nicknames they’d say to each other in private, away from everyone in their own little world when they spent time together.
Marinette and Damian skid around a corner, but Marinette lost her footing and slammed into the wall. Damian came to a stop and ran back over to her. He helped her up and looked her over, “I’m fine.”
“Let me just check.” The two stood there, panting from the run, while Damian quickly examined her. “No bruises.”
“I’m telling you I’m fine. I’ve had worse falls than that.”
“Chloe’s right, you’re a walking accident waiting to happen.” Marinette pouted and Damian just smirked at her, leaning in, “What?”
She sighed, putting a finger on his nose and pushing him back, “You suck.” She felt an odd sense of deja vu after doing the gesture but didn’t pay any attention to it when she saw how his nose scrunched up. She giggled, “At least you’re cute.”
“I’m cute?” Now he was the one pouting, “I am not cute.”
She poked his nose, causing his nose to scrunch up again, “Cute.”
He shook his head, “You’re becoming worse than my brothers.”
“Yet you still want to hang out with me.”
“Yeah, because out of everyone you’re the least annoying.” She snorted and pushed him playfully, causing him to chuckle. “Come on, we’re close to the den.” She nodded and absent-mindedly grabbed his arm. He’s gotten used to her gestures, noticing very quickly she’s someone who likes to touch and be touched. He noticed that with everyone, with Alya they would link arms, same with Adrien and Nino. With Chloe they would at most hold hands as one dragged the other around stores and Marinette would hug Chloe when Chloe did something particularly good-natured. With his brothers, she’d give lots of hugs but never grab onto them. If she didn’t feel comfortable holding someone’s arm or hand, she’d unconsciously stand very close to them. 
He wondered if it was a way for her to keep them close, which to him made sense after the isolation she felt before the ship. Still, she didn’t do things like this with his brothers. She didn’t grab their arms or hold their hands or lean on them the way she did with him. He’d never admit it, but he liked being the only one she’d do this with.
She leaned on him and he smiled softly as they made their way to the den. Marinette loved the den. It was the one place on the ship where she could work out her feelings without issue. No one went up there except the captain and Damian. The captain turned into somewhat of a familial role, like a grandfather or an old uncle, and she trusted him. She worried for the man, she could tell his mood has also gotten worse, however, he wasn’t mad or frustrated. Captain Staller was just extremely sad and gloomy without the influence of the two teens. She wondered if he was depressed and if Anne’s anniversary was coming up, then this behavior would make sense. 
Then there was Damian. Damian became someone very close within the first few days of knowing each other. She knew there was something odd about him, even Adrien told her about his thoughts on the four brothers and their abilities, but he was honest. He allowed her to vent to him and helped her sort through her feelings and she would do the same for him. She sympathized with him, saddened by his past and lack of childhood at the hands of his mother. Bruce’s influence was clear to see, but she wanted to see him. Not the child molded to be the future head of the family, not the boy trying to live up to the legacy of his brothers or father, she wanted to know more about Damian. She could tell he wasn’t used to sharing or letting his walls down, making her feel special when he would around her.
They had a routine; change for bed, meet at the den, and then talk by the railings. They both knew they were being spied on half the time but were thankful for none of them interrupting their time together. Still, there was a small sense of uncertainty surrounding the two. While both wondered what their relationship was, neither wanted to ask and break the new bottle they found themselves in. It was safe, they were content, and they were together.
Damian pulled away from her side and opened the door for her. She walked in and noted how dark the room was, it made the moonlight seem that much brighter. She stopped Damian from turning on the lights and led him over to the big chairs that the two sank into. She laid down and placed her head on his lap, something they both just allowed to happen a few nights after the raid when her anxiety spiked. She was comforted by the company and he felt soothed by the warmth and the act of petting down her hair. The intimacy was something both lacked and this time together felt like they were making up for it. She sighed, “I think we should investigate Charles next.”
“Why him? I thought he was your friend.”
“He looked really out of sorts the next day and this week he’s just seemed out of it and paranoid. He would get jumpy if I accidentally snuck up on him.”
Damian hummed, “You think he’s Hawkmoth?”
“No, I just think he might know something. No one acts like that unless they’re hiding something.”
“Or hiding from someone.”
Marinette turned her head to look up at him, “You think he’s hiding from someone?”
“He could be, or maybe he’s worried about being akumatized.”
Marinette turned onto her back, looking up at him, “I don’t know. I don’t know how any of these people act. I’m grasping at straws at this point.”
Damian sighed, “Well, all of your classmates and Ms. Bustier have all been akumatized, so it can’t really be any of them. Unless we have another French passenger, we’ll have to look into everyone else.”
After a moment Marinette’s eyes widened and she suddenly sat up, almost knocking her head into Damian’s. “Another French passenger, of course!” She turned to Damian with a newfound spark, “Is there any way to get a list of the passengers? We’ll need a list of every French passenger outside the class.”
Damian smirked and sent out a text, “I’ll tell Drake to get that to me by tomorrow.”
“Tim?”
Damian sent out the text and locked his phone, “Drake is the best investigator out of the four of us. It could take us a bit to look through all the passengers, but he’ll take seconds and do a background check as well.” Damian let out a tired sigh, “Grayson’s the beloved oldest, Todd’s the strongest, Drake’s the smartest, and I’m-”
“You’re wonderful.” Marinette grabbed his head and turned it so she could look him in the eye, “Don’t compare yourself to your brothers.”
He rolled his eyes, “I was going to say I’m still the best out of the four.”
She relaxed and sighed, still not letting go of his face, “You really do have a superiority complex.” She squeezed his cheeks, earning a playful glare.
“You going to let go?”
“No.” She squeezed his cheeks one last time before letting go, “Okay now I’m good.”
Damian snorted, “You remind me of my best friend Jon.”
Marinette sat up straight with peaked curiosity, “You just called someone friend. Best friend. Tell me more!” Marinette shook his shoulders, “Come on, tell me!”
Damian moved her hands away, “I won’t until you calm down.”
She stopped bouncing in her seat and frowned, “Can you really blame me?”
“No.” He scrolled through his phone before finding an old photo of them when he was 13 and Jon was 11. He handed it over to Marinette and she smiled.
She sat back down next to him, leaning on him, before saying, “You guys are so cute. So he’s a childhood friend?”
“Yeah, we’ve known each other for some time now.”
“Is he older than you?”
He let out an exasperated sigh, “Just because he’s taller doesn’t mean he’s older. Everyone thinks that.” He looked back at the photo and pointed, “I’m 13 there and he’s 11.”
She giggled, “You look like a baby.”
“I did not.”
“Babyface.”
“Marinette-”
“Cute baby face.”
He huffed and poked her side, making her squeak and jump away. He took the opportunity to grab his phone, “No.” She narrowed her eyes at him and he smirked.
“You’re too cocky.” She looked between him and the phone before lunging for it. “I want to see more photos!”
Damian leaned back and held his phone away, “Never.”
Marinette huffed and struggled against him, “Come on! Let me see more babyface photos!”
“No!” He sounded angry, but his face held a big smile as he watched the girl try to figure out a way to get the phone. “This is actually very entertaining.”
“Shut up.” She blew the bangs out of her face and sat back down. “Come on! You’ve never mentioned your friends before.”
“I’ve mentioned my team.”
“Yeah, but you’ve never once said ‘friend’. This is exciting!”
“Me and you have very different definitions of exciting.” She frowned before lunging at the phone again and managed to knock Damian over, “Marinette!”
“Let me see more Jon photos, then I’ll get off.”
Damian narrowed his eyes at her before flipping them over. Marinette let out a small “oof” before looking up at a very smug Damian. “You were saying?”
She huffed, “Killjoy.”
Damian raised an eyebrow at her, “Really? Maybe I should get Lila in here. I was just assaulted.”
She glared at him before pushing him off, “Don’t even joke about that.”
Her serious tone made him frown, “Too soon?”
“It’s always too soon with her.” She frowned and rubbed her temples, “Should I just let Tim do it? Should he just out her to everyone in my class?”
“I would love that because I want to see her face when he does it, but considering there’s a chance Hawkmoth may be on the ship I wouldn’t want to have her become an Akuma.” Damian shoulders fell, “I really don’t want you being the target of that.”
She sent him a small smile, “I can handle her.”
“As Ladybug, maybe. As Marinette, no. I’m not risking that.”
“Be careful, you sound worried.”
“I am worried.” Marinette turned to him and found that he was staring at her, “I don’t want you getting hurt. Especially not while we’re on this trip.”
“And after it’s over?” He didn’t answer and she sighed, “Damian-”
“I know.” He turned to her and he looked her over, trying to figure out their next steps. “First let’s figure out what’s happening on the ship.”
Her shoulders fell and nodded, “Yeah.” She scooted closer to him and leaned on him, “Damian?”
“Yeah?”
She bit her lip before finally asking, “Are you actually Robin?”
He thought for a moment before finally closing his eyes and breathing out a soft, “Yeah.”
She hummed, “Makes sense.” She turned to face him, “You’re right. I know you know, but I thought I should say it.”
Damian snorted, “Thanks. Good to know.” He took a deep breath before shaking his head, “No. Actually, that’s not good. Nothing about your situation is ‘good’.” Marinette nodded and nuzzled into his neck, “What are you going to do?”
“I don’t know. Find Hawkmoth, keep the city safe, fix everything.”
“It shouldn’t be your job to clean up the mess he makes.”
“What about you?” She frowned, “You don’t even have powers. You’re just human.”
“You’re human.”
“With magical powers, not the same.” She linked her arm with his and gave his bicep a comforting squeeze, “You shouldn’t be out there.”
“It’s not the same. I choose to go and fight, you were randomly given magic earrings and had to fight.”
She paused for a moment before admitting, “I almost wasn’t Ladybug.” Damian turned his head slightly in her direction and she took it as a sign to continue. “Stone Heart was the first Akuma we ever faced. He caused a lot of mayhem and I thought it was my fault for not stopping him the first time.” She let out a small bittersweet laugh, “I put the earrings in Alya’s bag.”
“What changed your mind?”
“Alya got hurt and Cat Noir was in trouble. I couldn’t stand there and do nothing. I had to help.” She sighed, “In a way, I chose it too.”
“That’s not fair. You have a good heart, of course you were going to save them, but to just put that responsibility on a kid?”
“What about you?”
Damian smiled bitterly as he thought back to when his mother dropped him off with a father who didn’t know he existed, “When my mother left me I was full of rage over those who killed my grandfather. I wanted revenge and nothing was going to stop me. Batman took me in after Nightwing stopped me from almost killing a man who had a connection to the murderer. I told him I wanted to help like Nightwing used to, as the new Robin, and he agreed.”
Marinette listened before pulling away, “You almost killed someone?”
Damian realized his slip and tensed before turning away from her, “Like I said, there’s a lot of stuff about me you won’t want to know.” He looked down at his lap and scowled, “I’m not a good person. I did a lot of bad things, even as Robin I’ve done really bad things.”
He didn’t want to look up, he figured she would run away like a sane person. He figured she wouldn’t want to talk to him anymore. “I didn’t know you before, but I can tell you’re a good person. Even if you did some bad things in the past, what matters is that you learn from them and be a better person now.” He wasn’t expecting that. She put her hand on his cheek and turned his head to her, “I think you’re a good person, Damian.” Damian didn’t respond outwardly until Marinette wrapped her arms around him. Her hug snapped him out of the initial shock and he wrapped his arms around her. This was only the second time they’ve hugged, the first time being when she first had a panic attack below deck, and he was grateful for it. She buried her face in the crook of his neck, “What’s going to happen now?”
Damian gave her a small squeeze, “I don’t know.”
He felt her hot breath against his skin as she let out a soft laugh, “I don’t know either.” She moved herself to be sitting in his lap, not releasing the hug. “I’m scared. What if the reason Hawkmoth is on this ship is that he knows Ladybug is on it? What if figured me out?”
“We don’t know that. We don’t know he’s on this ship.”
She rubbed her cheek against the fabric of his shirt, “Damian, these Akumas are coming from somewhere. They don’t wander this far out.”
“Are you sure? Has it ever happened before?”
“It has. The first time we brought Pegasus into the mix was because an Akuma made its way onto the train we were on. We were definitely outside of Hawkmoth’s range by that point.”
“Okay, so the option that he’s letting them wander isn’t impossible.” He knew it was farfetched, but he didn’t want her to think her identity was compromised. He didn’t want to think about a terrorist following her around and attacking her for some earrings, magic or otherwise. He could tell she was getting stuck inside her own head, upsetting thoughts taking over, and pulled out his phone. “You want to see more pictures of me and Jon.”
She quickly turned and looked at the phone, “Seriously?”
He chuckled, “Yeah.” She turned, back resting against his chest as he leaned back and they looked through the photos together. He pointed out different places they’d been, different pranks they’ve pulled on each other, their different pets, all the while making fun of his best friend. “He has this southern drawl sometimes and it’s so annoying.”
“He sounds fun.”
“He can be, but I’ll never tell him that. It’ll go to his head.”
She held his phone and made a confused face, “I’ll never get these fancy new phones.”
“You sound like a grandma.”
“Makes sense if everyone keeps calling us an old married couple.” She laughed, “You sound like an old angry grandpa.”
“I do not.”
“You are totally the type to yell at kids to get off your lawn.”
“I’ll take away the phone.”
“You wouldn’t dare.” She tapped on the screen and grumbled, “What the heck?”
Damian reached for the phone, “Hey, I can just-” All of a sudden the phone screen lit up, indicating a call had been placed and before either could do anything, a boy with messy hair and a tired look answered.
The boy yawned and rubbed his eyes, “Damian it’s like 6:30 am and its summer. There better be a goo-” The boy stopped talking and his eyes locked onto Marinette, who was still sitting on top of Damian, and he narrowed his eyes. “Damian, who’s this?”
Marinette awkwardly waved and Damian snatched the phone away, “Kent, if you tell anyone I’ll-”
“Oh my god.” Jon’s smile grew, “It’s late, it’s dark, and you’re with a girl! DAMIAN YOU ACTUALLY FOUND A GIRLFRIEND?”
Damian groaned and glared at the boy in the phone, “Say it louder why don’t you! You’ll wake up the entire city!” Damian was silently praying to whatever god he didn’t wake anyone. Jon decided to stay with the Titans while Damian was on the ship and Damian was grateful, but now he just wanted to wring the boy’s neck. “Now please don’t-”
Jon was already up and running through the tower, “Hold on! I’m hooking you up to the big screen!”
Damian sat up, nearly throwing Marinette off by accident, “You wouldn’t dare.” Suddenly the point of view changed from him looking at a phone to him looking up while a large living room came into view. Jon ran away, undoubtedly waking the others, “I’m hanging up.”
“Wait no! I wanna meet your friends!” Damian gave Marinette a pained look before giving in.
“Fine, but get up for a second so I can turn on the lights.” She quickly moved off and noticed a few people coming into view, “Oh! Hi!” The lights turned on, making her flinch as her eyes adjusted, and she smiled sheepishly at the other kids. “Damian’s told me about you guys. I wanted to meet his friends.”
She realized these kids weren’t normal, but then again neither was her. She figured they were probably other heroes and realized she was meeting his ‘team’. Damian sat back down on the couch and without thinking she took her place back on his lap to make sure they were both in the shot. Everyone looked stunned before the green one finally spoke up, “No way. Deep fake.”
Marinette tilted her head, confused, before turning to Damian, “Deep fake?”
“He doesn’t think you’re real.” He gently took the phone out of her hands, “Hey, Beast Boy, please tell me you haven’t made too much of a mess.”
“He said please, completely fake.”
Soon a woman with fire red hair entered the room, “What’s going on?” She looked up at the screen, “Oh! Damian?”
“That’s Kory, by the way.”
Marinette’s eyes lit up and she turned her attention to Kory, “Dick’s told me so much about you! You’re even prettier than I imagined!”
Kory looked confused but flattered. “I’m sorry, who are you?”
Jon smirked, “This is Damian’s girlfriend.”
The room stood still for a few seconds before everyone went up in arms. Damian groaned and pinched his nose before shouting, “Enough!” The team stopped and Damian gestured to the girl, “This is Marinette.”
Jaime narrowed his eyes at her, “I don’t trust this. Why the hell is she with you?”
Marinette made a face, “Why wouldn’t I be?”
Raven shook her head, “She’s real, but I have to admit I was not expecting this.”
“No way! What the hell? You leave for like two weeks and when you finally decide to call you have a cute girl with you!” Garfield narrowed his eyes, “Why are you both in your pajamas?”
“Because it’s 12:30 am around here.”
Jon wiggled his eyebrows, “Why are you alone with a girl late at night? In a dark room no less.”
Marinette lit up bright red while Damian groaned, “I didn’t mean to call, idiot. I was showing her some old photos-”
“You keep photos of me? Aw, Damian, I knew you cared!”
Damian growled and felt his blood pressure spike, “Jon I swear-”
Marinette grabbed the phone back, “Hey what are your names? I know you’re Kory and you’re Jon, but what about the rest of you?”
“Jaime.”
“Raven.”
“Garfield.”
“Victor.” The team turned and Marinette watched a half robot half-human came into view, “I was wondering what the commotion was about.” Marinette didn’t react, but her eyes were trained on Victor. He rubbed the back of his neck, “If it’s too jarring-”
“You’re incredible! How does that even work? How do you function? Can you still eat? What do you do in the rain? Can you even be in the rain?” Marinette’s eyes lit up as she quickly rambled on more and more questions. Victor felt a wave of relief and chuckled when Damian grabbed the phone away from her. “Hey!”
“Sorry, she gets excited easily.”
Marinette pouted, “Come on, he’s half robot! How am I not supposed to be excited for that?!”
Jamie laughed, “She’s not what I expected you’d go for, but it works.”
“I know right!” Jon turned his attention back to Damian, “I’m assuming she knows-”
“She knows.”
“You actually told someone!” Garfield pinched himself, “Nope not a dream. Just really, really weird morning.”
Damian sighed and Marinette snorted, “Your friends are funny.”
Damian looked over at her and smiled, tired but happy to see her so excited. “Oh my god, he feels.”
“Why does everyone say that!?” Damian glared at Jon, “When I get back I’m going to-”
“So you are coming back! Marvelous!” Kory flew up to the camera and smiled, “We were worried there for a bit. You never contacted any of us after you left. We were starting to wonder if you left us.”
Damian’s lips pressed into a fine line, but before he could answer Marinette asked, “Is he a good hero?” Everyone looked surprised by the question and she shrugged, “I don’t know a lot about America’s heroes and if I asked him, he’d just inflate his own ego.”
“I would not!”
Her face deadpanned, “Yes you would.”
“I am the best Robin there is.”
“You literally just said your brothers-”
“I refuse to let that comment leave this room.”
She rolled her eyes, “You’re impossible.”
“You’re too excitable.”
“Rather be excitable than grumpy all the time.”
“I am not grumpy!”
“A-hem!” The two turned their attention back to the phone and noticed everyone watching them with an expression that was a mix of amusement and disbelief. Jon chuckled, “I’ve never seen anyone else argue with him. I’m the only one who can usually get away with doing that.”
Damian frowned, “Only because I can’t wring your neck when you get too annoying.”
“What’s stopping you from wringing her’s?” When Damian didn’t answer him, Jon’s smug smile only grew. “I’m telling my mom.”
“You are not telling Lois! It’s bad enough all of you met her!”
“Lois? Didn’t Tim mention her once?”
Damian nodded, “Yeah, but I’m surprised you remember that. You were knocked out in the arcade machine.”
“Not my fault none of you know how to whisper.”
Jon chuckled and turned to the team, “I can’t believe this. He actually found a girlfriend.”
Kory clapped her hands together, “We should celebrate when he gets back!”
“No! No celebration! She’s never going to the tower!”
“Why not?”
Damian turned to Marinette, “Because you’ll be back in Paris and I’ll be in Jump City.”
Marinette blinked and sighed, “Oh yeah, right.”
“Great now you upset her!” Jamie stepped up, “Hey, sweetheart, if you ever need a shoulder to cry on-”
“Don’t even think about it, Reyes.”
Raven sighed, “You’re all idiots.” Everyone turned to the girl who rolled her eyes, “Yes, this is exciting. Still, what if someone notices a normal girl coming into the tower and hanging out with us? With Robin? You all realize she’d be a target in a heartbeat.” The room fell silent and Marinette turned to Damian, only to notice his expression hardened. “Either we go to her as discreetly as possible or it’s not going to happen at all.” Raven turned her attention to the couple on screen, “If I were you Marinette I wouldn’t get too attached. You guys make a good match, but you just knowing our real names is going to get you into serious trouble if we aren’t careful. You don’t want to be sucked into this.”
Garfield frowned, “Raven, harsh.” He turned his attention to the screen and noticed the two thinking about what she said.
Jon tried to sound reassuring, “Hey! We can figure it out! I mean, I can tell you’ve been good for Damian.” That brought Marinette’s attention back to the boy and he smiled, “Yeah. When he left he was like a walking shell. Just talking to him now, I can tell he’s back to his old self and looks like he’s thriving over there. I can only guess it’s because of you.” Damian turned his attention back to his best friend and Jon sighed, “Look, Raven’s right. It could be dangerous, but it’s not unheard of! I mean, look at my parents! One’s a civilian!” He smiled encouragingly at the couple, “Damian, she’s good for you. I can tell. Marinette?”
She blinked and forced herself to respond, “Yes?”
“Do you want to stay with our little hot head over there? I know he’s a handful, but he’s worth it!”
Before Damian could say anything Marinette let out a firm, “Yes.”
Jon smiled, “Then I think you’ll be okay. If anything comes up, we’ll figure it out. We’re friends now too.” The group nodded and he waved, “You guys will be fine. Anyway, it’s getting late for you guys over there. Sleep. Think about it. Damian, check-in more often. We worry.” Damian gave a small nod, still reeling over the girl’s answer, and Jon nodded back. “Goodnight you guys.” The screen went black after Jon hung up and the two sat there in silence for a bit.
Damian spoke up first, “You meant that?”
Marinette gulped and nodded, “Yes.”
Damian thought for a moment and forced himself to ask, “Marinette, what are we?”
Marinette turned to face him, opening and closing her mouth, and answer struggling to come out before the door burst open. The two jumped and Marinette quickly left Damian’s lap as the two turned to the door. The captain stumbled in, seemingly unaware of the two teens inside the room. He stumbled to the bar and nearly fell over. The two teens shared a look of concern before walking up to him, “Captain Staller?” The captain didn’t respond and she turned him slowly to face her. She noted his glassy eyes and calm expression, “He sleepwalks?”
“I guess so.” Damian started to lead Captain Staller away from the bar and gently laid him down on the couch. The captain seemed to relax and fell right back to sleep on the cushions. Damian relaxed knowing that the captain was safe and asleep, “I think he’ll be okay now.” He turned back to Marinette who was staring at one of the bottles on the shelves, hugging herself and biting her lip. “Marinette?”
She jumped at the sound of his voice and turned to him, “What are we going to do?”
Damian’s brows furrowed, “What do you mean?”
“I’m a liability. You’re a liability. We’re liabilities to each other.” She shook her head, “I can’t go to Jump City because I could be used as leverage. You can’t come to Paris because you know who I am and if Hawkmoth akumatizes you we’ll have to fight.” Her nose turned pink and her eyes watered, “I didn’t even think about that, Damian. I have to think about these things. What was I thinking?” She ran her finger through her hair and started pacing, “I can’t believe I told you. I can’t believe I said that. I can’t believe I thought-”
“Thought what?”
She stopped and turned to him, “Damian, how would this work?”
Damian knew she knew he was worried about the same thing. He also knew she knew he didn’t want whatever this was to stop. “We don’t see each other as heroes. Just civilians.”
“That won’t matter if you get akumatized!” She sniffed and let out a shaky breath, “And you’re Damian Wayne! That alone is going to bring attention to me! Damian, I can’t let that happen! My advantage is that I’m a nobody! I can sneak away and no one suspects a thing! I can’t do that if there are cameramen waiting outside the bakery every day, waiting to get a picture of Damian Wayne’s girlfriend!”
Damian gulped, he agreed with her. He really wished he didn’t. So instead of arguing with some solid logic, he decided to do the next best thing. “My girlfriend, huh?”
She tensed up and shook her head, “I’m sorry, it slipped out and-”
“I thought we were already married.” She froze for a second, watching as he awkwardly stood there waiting for a reaction. She laughed, it started out small and full of disbelief and grew into a heartfelt laugh. Damian relaxed as she wiped her eyes, still laughing at his joke. “Marinette-”
“How is this going to work?” She sniffed and let out a small laugh, tears streaming down her face despite the smile on her face, “How will any of this work?”
Damian shrugged and ran his fingers through his hair, chuckling. “I don’t know.” He leaned against a table and felt himself be bombarded by the same emotions overwhelming Marinette. He sniffed and laughed, “I have no idea!” He wiped his nose on his sleeve and laughed more, “What is happening?”
“I don’t know!” She wiped her cheeks in vain and her body shook with another fit of laughter, “I don’t know!” She turned to Damian and ran to hug him, he immediately reciprocated this time and squeezed her. He picked her up and spun her around, making her laugh even more, before putting her down in the middle of the room. She sniffed, looking up at Damian, “Are we going crazy?”
“I have no idea.” Damian snorted, “I have no clue. This is out of my range of knowledge. None of this makes sense to me. You don’t make any sense to me!” He let out a shaky breath, “Every time I’m with you I feel out of character. I don’t know what I’m saying or doing half the time. It’s all impulse with you.” He sniffed and chuckled, “What the hell is wrong with us?”
Marinette thought for a moment, letting out a shaky breath of her own, “We’re teenagers, I don’t think we’re supposed to have all the answers.” She giggled, “Which is ironic because Ladybug is supposed to have all the answers.”
“And I’m supposed to know what to do in any situation. My training equipped me with the knowledge on how to deal with enemies of all kinds, superhuman or otherwise.” He laughed. “My training didn’t prepare me for you. I am an expert in martial arts, I can wield almost any kind of weapon, I’m a capable businessman, I have advanced engineering skills, I’m trained in forensics, acrobatics, criminology, disguise and escapology,” he paused and scoffed, “none of it prepared me for you.”
Marinette and Damian stood together, in the middle of the den, panting as they struggled to catch their breath from laughing, and just stared at each other. Marinette bit her lip, “I don’t know a lot about you.”
“That’s a good thing.”
“Will I ever know more about you?”
“Yes.”
Marinette sniffed and smiled at him before pulling him down. The kiss was awkward, neither really had any experience in any of this, but neither pulled away either. Despite the lack of skill, the two felt alive again. Every little cell felt electrified, any negative feels clouding their minds didn’t matter, and the world around them faded away the longer they stayed together.
“Well, I was wondering when you two would figure it out.” The two pulled away and looked at the couch to find Captain Staller stretching on the couch. He chuckled and scratched his beard, “Now, will either of you tell me why I’m here?”
Marinette hid her blushing face in her hands and Damian sighed before pulling away to help the man up, “You were sleep walking. You came in here and almost knocked over the alcohol at the bar.”
Staller looked confused, “I don’t sleepwalk.”
Damian shrugged, “Are you stressed?”
The captain thought for a moment before sighing, “My mood has taken a turn for the worse.”
Marinette turned to face the captain, worried expression on her face, “Anything we can do to help? We’re good listeners.”
Captain Staller smiled and shook his head, “No, you just continue to be yourself. I enjoy our visits. Although, I do think you would’ve fared better had I not interrupted tonight.”
Marinette’s eyes widened and her face flushed. Damian just rubbed the back of his neck before leading the captain outside. “Hey, you sure there isn’t anything my family could do?”
“Damian, you’re family has been nothing but good to me. If I ask for anything else, I’d be getting selfish.” The captain placed a hand on Damian’s shoulder, “You two were meant to cross paths, I can tell.” His voice got low as he held steady eye contact with the boy, “Don’t mess this up.”
Damian gulped and nodded, “I wouldn’t dare.”
“Good answer.” He patted Damian on the back and nodded at the couple in approval. “I’ll see you two soon. Goodnight.” The captain walked away and Damian closed the door, leaving the only two people in the room embarrassed.
Damian watched as Marinette grabbed a pillow and screamed into it before letting herself fall onto the couch. He walked over, confused, and she took the pillow off her face. She looked like she drank three cups of Tim’s expresso, vibrating with energy. “This is happening.”
“Yes.”
“We just kissed.”
“Uh-huh.”
“We know each other’s identities.”
“Marinette-”
“I’m dating Damian Wayne.” She sat up and threw the pillow at him, “Oh my god, I’m dating you. We’re dating. This is happening!” Damian caught the pillow easily and laughed at her, earning a short raspberry and a glare.
He sat down next to her, “Yes. Yes, it is.” He sighed and shook his head, “What the hell am I thinking?”
“You? What am I thinking? Tikki is going to be so mad-”
“Tikki?”
She bit her lip before sighing, “Tikki come out.” All of a sudden, a red blob flew around the room before stopping in front of his face. He blinked, wondering if he was hallucinating for a second as the being examined him. “Tikki, meet Damian. Damian, meet Tikki.”
“Hello?”
Tikki smiled softly at the boy before turning to Marinette, “This is against a lot of rules Marinette.”
She groaned, “I know.” She ran her fingers through her hair and sighed, “I trust him though.”
Tikki nodded before falling to rest on top of Marinette’s head. Damian just chuckled, “Honestly, not the weirdest thing I’ve ever come across.”
Marinette snorted, “That’s a new reaction.”
“I’m serious.” Damian smiled at Tikki, “When you live in Gotham and work under Batman you see a lot of stuff.”
Tikki flew around Damian’s head a few times before landing on his hair and nodding, “I approve of this one.”
Damian smiled, “That’s good right?”
Marinette closed her eyes and giggled, “Yes, yes it is.” She rubbed her eyes, “I’ve only known you for a little over a week and look at us.” She shook her head, “We’re crazy.”
“I mean we’re talking while a small red fairy thing watches over us. I’m pretty sure if we went to any hospital they’d say the same.”
Tikki giggled, “I like him.”
“I’m assuming you’re the reason Marinette orders so many sweets?”
“Smart too.” Tikki grinned at her chosen, “He’s a keeper.”
Marinette nodded, “I mean I’ll have to figure out a way erase your memory if I don’t.”
Damian raised an eyebrow at her, “Funny, I was thinking the same thing.” She nudged him and the two sighed, “Marinette?”
“Yeah?”
“How are we going to tell my brothers?”
Marinette’s eyes widened, “How are we going to tell Alya?” The two looked at each other, realizing the chaos they were about to unleash on this ship when they go public. Marinette groaned, “We’re going not going to live any of this down will we?”
“No, I don’t think so. Dick is a crazy romantic, Jason will tell everyone else in the family if Jon already hadn’t, and Tim will work with Alya to spread the news all over the internet.” He groaned and leaned back in the couch, let his head lull back, “Can we not tell them?”
“And risk death by reporter? No thank you. If Alya doesn’t kill me for hiding it, Chloe definitely will.” She giggled before leaning on him, head on his shoulder and arm draped around his torso. “But we don’t have to tell them right now.”
He wrapped his arm around her and relaxed, “No, I guess not.” He looked down at the girl who finally relaxed enough that she actually looked tired, “Hey you want to go to bed?”
“No.”
“Still a bad liar.”
“I didn’t say I didn’t want to sleep, I said I don’t want to go to bed.” She looked up at him, “I don’t want to leave.”
Damian groaned, “Don’t look at me like that.”
“Like what?”
“Puppy dog eyes. You’re the only person to successfully use that against me.” He groaned and hung his head before he looked around the room. “Hold on.” He got up, turned off the lights, grabbed a blanket from one of the cupboards from a counter and draped it over her. He sat back down, arms open for her to lay next to him if she chose, and he glared. “Damn you.” She snorted and snuggled up next to him, his arms wrapped around her torso and her head on his chest. He could feel himself relax with her weight and body heat against him. She threw the covers over him before yawning.
Tikki watched as the two teens fell asleep together on the couch. She giggled softly before nestling on a pillow nearby, out of view from anyone walking in the door. She looked at the couple one last time before closing her eyes and smiling. Marinette was healing, as far as she could tell so was Damian, and she couldn’t be happier.
*******************************************************************************************
I’m waiting for the screams of the maribat community because it happened. It’s happening. And from here on out? Brace yourselves. 
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lazyeggpoetry · 4 years ago
Text
You Changed
Back in freshman year
I found you dressed in black
But they say those who wear darkness have the most colorful mind
You proved that to be true because I could see the raw red anger and a sickly brown bitterness
Back in freshman year I was a straitlaced corset with old fashion branded into my mind with the hot iron of 1950’s parenting
The awkward new girl who begged and pleaded to fit in
Back in freshman year you had not one care in the world
Not grades
Not boys
Not people
Your empathy level was dripping slowly below ground level
And I didn't like you
Sophomore year and came around and we were close
Closer than Bonnie and Clyde
Black hawks games
Deep talks
Sleepovers
Shopping
And so much more
Sophomore year we had a fire burning a friendship so bright
But now the fire’s dying
It's gone up in smoke
What happened because something snapped
Something changed
And now there's a crack
You started to be artificial
Nothing but plastic
Nothing but the carbon copy I had hoped you'd never be
You've turned out just like the others
Just like the snakes
Who pretend and pretend
And just never back off
And now here we are in junior year and I feel like I'm watching my friend be slowly strangled
Strangled by the ropes of what society is “supposed to do”
Look at yourself
Look really hard
Because we've drifted apart like sand in the Sahara
Because it's now junior year and you're glamorizing things that shouldn't be glamorized
Depression isn't pretty
You should know
It's like watching paint dry and being suffocated by the hands of mental instability
It's staring at a wall for hours on end wondering why you can't just die
Anorexia isn't hot
It's a sickness
It's the feeling where eating lunch is like giving up or licking a sugar free Popsicle is a cheat day
It's skin clinging onto you, starved and parched from lack of the nutrients and love you're supposed to give your frame
Cutting isn't beautiful
It's destroying your body
It's dragging a razor through the skin and watching the blood drip in the sink as you stare
It's about creating scars that will never fade. It’s about pain and punishment
Look at yourself because here we are in junior year and you think you're entitled to things people would kill to have.
That BMW that your father worked long hours day and night to save up for
You think it's yours
The money in your bank account that your parents deposited
You think it's yours
Look in the mirror because guess what
You've never once lifted a finger for anyone or anything unless it benefits you
Never has it even crossed your mind that in life you have to put effort and determination into something you want
Because you've always had it handed to you or you just snatched it away
Here we are in junior year and you've flipped a switch
Because all of a sudden marijuana is more important than whether Corey Crawford blocked the goal that would've let the Red Wings win
Suddenly teenage boys have taken center stage in your life rather than the new fan fiction
It's not you I'm looking at & don't try to tell me otherwise
You used to be real
Real as hell
But now it's all about sex and drug
You call yourself a feminist but you beg boys to degrade you and make you crawl
Cats are cool don't get me wrong but not for the bedroom no not there
You crawl on your hands and knees, begging and pleading for attention of any boy or girl now
Bisexuality might be the path for you but you don't see any real LGBT human screaming “I’m Bi” on a bus
It's junior year and I'm sick of you
Actin like the world is yours
And you're the smartest kid on the block
I'm sick of you and your artificial interest in me
Because trust me you've thrown me to the wolves more than once
But here I am leading the pack
While you sit here carving the word secret into your skin so that you can show everyone tomorrow
While you talk about a pure sweet girl in
vain solely so you get some pity
I'm here leading the pack
While you pretend you have panic attacks
And compare a coach abuse case to a third grade bullying experience
I'll be here leading the pack
While you go get high with the burnouts
And mess around with boys who want nothing but sex
I'll be here living my life
And you'll be stuck looking in the mirror at your worst enemy
Yourself
1 note · View note
scribeofmorpheus · 5 years ago
Text
Counterpart [2/5]
Pairing: Bucky x Reader x Framework!Steve
Series Masterlist | Main Masterlist | Words: 4k
A/N: Just to clear up any confusion, in the Framework the blip and Thanos’s undertaking never happened. Civil War was between Hydra and what was left of Avengers/Shield and the Sokovia Accords weren’t just about registration but an official order branding Shield as terrorists and reinstating the Winter Soldier Program- it passed. Also, Clint has always been Ronin, Hawkeye doesn’t exist in the framework.
Warnings: This chapter contains depictions and mentions of cheating, has drug use, language, slight NSFW and some angst. It’s a dark series, expect a darker take.
Leave a like, comment or reblog-highly appreciated! ☺  Taglist is open
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PART TWO: DOPPELGANGERS
~Avengers Compound
"Grrrrrhh!" Bucky flipped the table in a burning fury.
Wanda and Sam looked on at a loss, feeling completely helpless.
"Hey, Bucky try and calm down," Sam said softly.
"How am I supposed to stay calm when she's out there, helpless and alone, knowing it's all my fault?" Bucky shouted.
Wanda took a small step forward, "Bucky, there's no way you could ha--"
"I'm her partner Wanda. We are supposed to keep each other safe! She isn't here right now and it's my fault!" Bucky bit back.
Wanda folded her trembling hands under her poncho as she took a step back, her eyes landing on the cup Y/N had drunk tea from a few hours earlier. Her eyes were sad but lit with fury.
"You think you're the only one who feels responsible? If I hadn’t been so afraid to get on that damned jet, maybe none of this would have happened!"
Wanda's words stung at everyone in the room, making them all flinch at her sudden outburst. The red mist that accompanied her abilities snaked around her form.
Sam unfolded his hands and held them out to try and calm his companions, "Look, let’s all take a breath. We all care about Y/N. We're all worried. But that don't change the fact that all we can do is wait until we get a ping on her location. Fighting isn’t goin’ to change that. Neither will flippin’ furniture."
Bucky let out another guttural shout and connected his non-metal fist into the wall. When his knuckles removed themselves, they were bloodied and the skin was serrated by the shattered wall plaster.
"We don't have time to wait," Bucky said hoarsely. "Those people we found in the submarine. They all flat-lined once whatever that experiment they were part of was completed. If they're doing the same thing to her--"
Bucky slumped to the ground, his head hanging low between his knees as his hands trembled against fists full of hair.
"Screw this!" Wanda stormed out of the room.
"Wanda, where are you going?" Sam asked.
"It'll be a cold day in hell before I lose another person I care about," she said with a vicious tone. "I'm not gonna sit around here and feel sorry for myself. I'm going to talk to someone who actually can help me!"
Then she disappeared, flying out in a brilliant red streak.
Sam sighed, the weight of leading the team was heavier than he was initially prepared for. He felt just as helpless as everyone else right now. If he couldn't be the leader they needed right now, the least he could be was a compassionate shoulder to lean on.
Sam sat down next to Bucky, at first all that filled the room was this perpetual feeling of nothingness- a distinct absence of sound beside ragged breathing and tree branches tapping on plated glass from the strong howling wind. It was almost as though the wind had adapted to their moods; angry, afraid and confused. Then, after a few minutes passed, Bucky spoke with a shaky voice.
"You were right, Sam."
"About?"
"I kept stalling abut asking Y/N to marry me because... I was afraid."
Sam rose his eyebrows in disbelief, "Were you afraid she'd say no? Because, I can tell you now, we can all see how much she loves you. There's no way she'd say no."
Bucky ran a rand through his hair as he looked up at the memorial portrait of Steve dressed in his first Captain America suit. Next to it were portraits of Tony and Nat and Vision. All their faces smiling and proud. Even though it was a way of commemorating all they'd done, of honouring those who fell, Bucky couldn't help but feel their smiles were mocking him right now.
"It's not that," Bucky said. "I was afraid she'd say yes. How fucked up is that?"
Sam let out a deep breath, "Actually, it ain't that fucked up."
"I just couldn't shake the feeling that if I kept putting off asking her, then I could somehow stop this fucked up world we live in from finding some way to ruin one of the last few good things I have left."
“Fucked up world, huh?” Sam's eyes fell on the wall of portraits instinctively, a bitter taste forming in his mouth. "I get it. People like us, we get accustomed to a certain degree of loss. After a while, we begin to anticipate it."
Bucky’s head fell back onto the wall with a light thud, "Yeah, that's round about it. Guess you and I aren't so different, Tin-can."
"Listen, don't take this to mean I want you to buy me matchin' friendship bracelets or braid each other’s hair but…" Sam's fist tapped Bucky's right arm, nudging the frozen stiff soldier. "If you need to talk to someone, once all this is over, I know someone who can help."
Sam's sincere words caused Bucky to swallow loudly. He hated feeling vulnerable. Despite Shuri's great work at undoing what Hydra had done to his fractured mind, he still had a lot of their training ingrained in him. He was trained to be a lone wolf and despite how hard he tried to let people in, it was still something he struggled with. Perhaps that was an old habit he needed to change.
"Thanks, Sam. I might just take you up on that."
"Good, now get some rest. You aren't no good to me or Y/N if you burn yourself out before we get a lock on her co-ordinates."
Bucky sighed, "Alright. You gonna go after Wanda?"
Sam thought on Bucky's question for a moment, "With her firepower, I think she can handle herself."
Bucky groaned as he picked himself off the floor and offered Sam a hand, "That's not what I meant."
Sam grumbled as he dusted his sweatpants once off the floor, "I know. She's angry. I think all this has brought back a lot of pain she's been keepin’ buried. I think, despite how bad the circumstances are, she needs to have an outlet for all that anger. She needs to burnout."
Sam glanced over at the portrait of Vision for a brief pause and then back at Steve's, doubt clouding his usually clear eyes. "Until then..."
Bucky placed his hand on Sam's shoulders, "You're doing proud by him. Don't doubt that. It's a heavy mantle to carry. Steve left behind big shoes to fill. You're a good leader, it just takes time. An adjustment period."
Sam chuckled wistfully and patted Bucky's hand on his shoulder, "Yeah, thanks Bird-man."
Bucky hummed something reassuring but his eyes were still dark, they made him look lonelier than he probably felt. A part of him still found solace in seclusion and that part of him wanted to be alone with his feelings.
Bucky left the room, his slumped shoulders informing Sam of his state of mind despite his attempts to try and act as though he now had things under control.
Sam looked up at Steve's portrait one more time, "We're a mess without you man."
~Elsewhere
The sound of girls playing in the back yard softened Wanda's mood slightly as she approached the wooden porch. The childish laughter and squeals reminded her of Pietro as a young, energetic boy.
Ever since she lost Vision, Wanda had been thinking about Pietro more and more. There was a darkness looming over her and the only time she felt somewhat like herself was during the small moments she and Y/N would share together. The red hue brightening her eyes fizzled out like a worn-out candle's flame.
Wanda felt heavy. Her heart threatened to sink back into sadness at the realisation that she may very well lose Y/N too.
With shaky hands, Wanda's petite, ring covered fingers rapped on the wooden door in slow repetitive stroke.
She didn't know what she was doing here, or why she had thought it a good idea, but she was here and she couldn’t unring this bell.
When the door opened, Wanda's fingers fidgeted slightly as she cleared her throat -her old accent slipping out between vowels from urgency.
"I- I'm sorry to just turn up here. I should have called ahead, b- but… I need your help."
"Something's happened, hasn't it?"
Wanda nodded.
The door swung open wider, letting Wanda into the house.
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The water waved and lapped softly against the edges of the tub, toes curled at the end of the tub as your head tilted backwards in euphoric bliss. Steve's warm chest heaved up and down behind you, your body moving with the strong motions of his chest. His hands working tantalising circles around your lower body submerged under the hot water and fizzling out bubbles. The scented candles flooded your senses, numbing the former migraine that once agitated your brain.
Steve's heated breath tickled your ear as he whispered sweet nothings, causing your fingers to wrap around his nape.
"You like that?" He increased the pressure around his fingers making you gasp and move instinctively into his touch. Water spilt over the tub and onto the floor.
"Mmmm, yes," you moaned, toes curling and uncurling.
A low rumble escaped his lips right when they found the nape of your neck and placed suckling kisses on it.
"How about we take this to the bedroom?" He rumbled lowly, desire saturating each word.
"Yessss," you strained against his surgical touch. It was as though he knew your body better than you did.
Steve manoeuvred your body so you were no longer laying above him and he stepped out of the tub, water dripping from his wet body. His muscles seemingly glistening from the light hitting the moisture dripping off him. He turned around and instantly swooped you out of the tub, marching you towards the bedroom with hooded eyes burning across your equally wet body.
***
The coffee maker gurgled loudly as it filled with dark coffee that probably tasted as strong as it smelled. You reached into the fridge for the jug of orange juice and closed the fridge shut with your bare foot.
Steve was dressed in a three-piece suit (minus the tie) that hugged his frame flatteringly while he read the newspaper with a half-eaten plate of pancakes. A sub-headline caught your attention. It read: ‘Silver-Blue Blur Spotted in Sokovia?’
You poured yourself a glass of orange juice and sat back down on the table, a small tablet running through the highlights of the week.
Several headlines read: ‘Hydra Seizes Stark Assets; Director Pierce Re-Instates Winter Soldier Program; The Iron Maiden's Reign of Terror Continues; Peter Parker Still Missing; Asgardian Queen Hela Threatens War; Mischief in Moldova?’
"The Iron Maiden?" You repeated, unfamiliar with the term.
Steve noticed your brow was arched in suspicion, your lips pursed in thought, small dimples forming on your cheeks.
"Hydra believes Pepper Potts is trying to recruit more anarchists into whatever remains of Shield," he said nonchalantly as he took his empty mug and refilled it with more coffee. "Our drones spotted Pietro Maximoff in Sokovia earlier this week. Which is not surprising since this is the anniversary of his sister’s death."
You shook your head, unable to reconcile what he was saying.
"Wanda's dead?" You whispered to yourself so Steve wouldn't hear you.
Another migraine pinched at the base of your skull, causing pain to shoot through your eye while you reached for the orange juice. Your vision doubled as the pain worsened and you knocked the glass over, one hand bracing against your temple as you hissed.
"Ahhggg!" You yelped.
Steve set his Hydra stamped mug on the counter and rushed to your side, cupping your face in his strong hands.
"Again?" He asked with calm eyes but a disturbed face.
"Y-yeah..." you barely managed to get the words out.
Steve rushed to the bedroom and suddenly the image of you and Wanda sitting on a couch with cups held between your fingers came to life across the room like a projection. By the stove, a man with long dark hair looked out through your window, the smell of burning toast tickling your nostrils. The morning light obscuring his reflection.
You glanced down at your ring and felt an insurmountable measure of guilt, when you looked back up the projections vanished, leaving an ashed taste in your mouth. Your thumb kept rotating your ring like a nervous tick, your eyes frantically flickering from the couch to the stove in search of the ghosts you had just seen.
Questions that couldn't be answered screamed inside you as you started to hyperventilate. Why were you and the Scarlett Witch acting like buddies? Who was the man with the blue and gold-tinted metal arm? Why did all this feel more real than the furniture you were sat on? Why was Steve taking so damn, fucking long to get your pills?
"What is going on?" You said in fear, unable to trust your own mind.
As if on cue, Steve came back out with your pill bottle, one small pill already placed on his outstretched palm. You devoured it thankfully and let out an appreciative sigh as Steve kissed your numbing temples.
Steve pulled out his phone and started dialling.
"What are you doing?"
Steve looked at you oddly, "I'm taking the day off, my wife isn't at her best."
You held up your hand to stop him, "Nonsense, your work is more important."
"Hey," he hushed you as he caressed your cheek, "Nothing is more important to me than you and Sarah. Got it?"
You nodded.
"While I disappoint Pierce for the third time this week, why don't you get dressed and sign those papers we talked about. They're in my study."
You nodded again and made your way, sluggishly, towards the bedroom. Steve's muffled words growing lower and lower until you couldn't hear them all together.
***
"Do you consent to hereby becoming the legal guardian of one Sarah Carter-Rogers?" You mouthed out the question on the form.
You ticked the box yes and signed your name on the dotted line as you had done on countless other legal forms.
"Hey sweetheart, can you help me with my tie?" Steve walked in.
"Sure," you sat up from his desk and fastened his tie.
Steve peered over your shoulder, a proud smile creeping over his face when he realised you'd signed the papers.
"Huh," his smiled faltered ever so slightly. "You used your maiden name."
You were surprised by that, "I could have sworn-" you turned to look at the signature, and lo and behold, Steve was right. "Old habits, I guess."
"Hey," Steve brought your eyes to look into his. "Marriage has an adjustment period, and with your migraines, it's easy for your wires to get crossed. Don't worry."
He kissed your forehead affectionately before wrapping you safely in his arms.
"Now come on Mrs Rogers, Sharon's weekend is over. Let's go pick up our daughter," he said with an enthusiastic smile.
***
The Rolls-Royce pulled up into a small driveway leading up to a moderately sized townhouse. Toy's littered the lawn and an unopened newspaper was still lying on top of an unkempt shrubbery bush, dewdrops from the morning's cold air precipitated over the plastic sheet.
Steve stepped out the car, his hand held out for you as you scooched over the leather seats and took hold of his strong hand.
Out of the house burst a young blonde-haired girl no taller than your knee. Her pink backpack made rattling noises as it swayed from one side to the other with her running motions. Behind her, a tired-looking Sharon walked out of the house, her hair cropped short to the point you barely recognised her. Her cardigan pullover wrapped defensively around her thinning frame.
"Huh..." you squinted your eyes, unfamiliar with Sharon's new look.
"What is it?" Steve asked.
"Nothing, I guess I'm just used to seeing her with longer hair," you revealed.
Steve laughed inaudibly as he crouched down waiting for his daughter to crash into him.
"Sarah, honey don't run!" Sharon shouted after her.
Sarah ignored her mother's words and jumped straight into Steve's outreaching arms, "Daddy!"
"Hey, June-bug!" Steve picked her up into a spinning hug.
You watched Steve lighten up as soon as he scooped his little girl into his arms, Sarah's giggling making the morning seem warmer than it was. In the distance, you noticed Sharon stare menacing daggers at you. You flinched and deflected your gaze to the assorted toys getting soaked from the ticking sprinklers.
A throbbing sensation sent gooseflesh up the nape of your neck as a particularly sour memory returned to the forefront of your thoughts.
 Framework>Data Banks> Memories> Memories synchronised: 55%
Sharon looked worse for wear. Her eyes were puffy with dark circles making themselves at home on her face. Her hair tied up in an unkempt greasy bun. Nail edges bitten from anxiety. She stood on your apartment’s welcome mat, the look of horror pulling her mouth into an O shape as she glanced between you and Steve -a look of realisation. Steve used his large frame to shield your partially clothed body. Uneasy silence like trudging through mud. A few seconds later, the pizza delivery guy walked off the elevator and headed towards the ajar apartment door with a distraught woman staring at the occupants inside.
 You gripped the boot of the car to keep yourself steady. This memory didn't hurt as much as the others. You figured the medication was finally working.
Steve noticed your small movement and set Sarah down to rub your back in slow circles. You nodded your head to signal that you were okay. Sarah hugged your leg causing you to bend down and greet her properly.
"Hey, June-bug, how was the weekend?"
"It was good, we went to a big, big farm and saw horsies," Sarah had a hard time enunciating some of her words, making them sound incomplete.
"Wow! Horsies!" You gasped in an exaggerated tone causing Sarah's bubbly laughter to ripple out in its regular high pitch. You felt your spirits lift from that simple act.
Steve stroked Sarah's head while he spoke to you, keeping her out of earshot. "Hey, I'm gonna go talk to Sharon, tell her the paperwork’s been finalised."
“Good luck,” You blew air out of your mouth and cocked your head to the side, eyebrows rising in acknowledgement of that uneasy task. You stroked Steve's chest, "I'll strap little June-bug here into the car seat."
Steve walked off towards Sharon while you walked around the car with Sarah holding your hand.
When you fastened her into the child seat, Sarah pulled out a pine cone and handed it to you.
"Look what I found!"
“Wow! A pinecone, for me? Thank you, June-bug!”” You accepted the small pinecone. There weren’t many conifer trees nearby for at least a few miles out of the city. Sharon must have taken her far out of the city. "Huh, how far was this farm?"
Sarah's arms spread far apart as she sing-songed, "Faaaaaaaaar."
Without thinking, you pocketed the pinecone and glanced out the tinted window to look for Steve. He and Sharon were having a heated discussion, but they both tried to make everything appear normal.
Sarah glanced over, her smile falling, "Mommy and daddy fighting again."
You tapped Sarah's little button nose, "No they aren't fighting, they're just..." you glanced at Sharon. She was more animated in her gestures than before, pointing and frowning at the car. Steve held one hand up, probably in a feigned efford to calm her.
Speckles filled your vision as another memory burdened your peripheral.
Framework>Data Banks> Memories> Memories synchronised: 58%
Sharon lobbed something glass at Steve's head. He ducked as it shattered on the wall. Your throat had all but glued shut, you didn't have the nerve to get a word in. "Homewrecker!" rang through your small apartment. “Don’t act like things were fine. We haven’t been fine in a long time.” Steve words were cold. “I’m not the one who just got caught with his pants down! How old is she anyway?”
 When the pain subsided and your vision cleared, Steve was already sliding into the car. His jaw clenching but his voice soft as he turned to Sarah with a big smile, "Alright, who's ready for our day at the park?"
Sarah smiled but it wasn’t as animated as before, “Picnic!”
Steve laced his fingers into yours, the tension from his unpleasant conversation making his grip feel slightly uncomfortable. You didn’t say anything though.
***
Steve tossed a giddy Sarah up into the air a few dozen times while you laid out the picnic basket. The park had a few patrols passing through- peacekeepers were a mandatory presence since the Accords branded Shield as terrorists. A few other families were out too. You tried to get in the same fun spirit as Steve and Sarah, but something about how dishevelled Sharon looked haunted you. You began to imagine how easy everything could slip away. How easy you could end up like Sharon. Guilt clawed its way back through you.
When Steve sat down next to you, he placed a kiss on your head and noticed you didn't reciprocate with your signature smile.
"You okay?" He asked.
You kept your eyes on a trail of ants marching towards an open lunch box with grapes, "Are you happy? Despite everything we went through… everything we did?"
Steve got tense, his eyes falling on Sarah with what seemed to be shame. "I'm not going to act like it's been a fairy-tale. People rarely feel complete, especially in our world, given what we do. I was content before you came along. Sometimes being content isn’t enough, you reminded me of what was possible.”
Steve looked back at you, his face lit up as he brought your finger to his lips for a loving kiss, “And, yes, despite everything, I am happy."
You glanced down at your wedding ring, your frown up turning into a numb smile.
Steve drew you in for a proper kiss and all your worries ebbed away. His large, calloused hands sliding along your folded thighs, a guttural moan escaping his throat as you laughed at his hungry kisses.
“We’re in public, Steve...” you pretended to be embarrassed by his publicly affectionate actions, but truthfully the only time things made sense was when he kissed you.
“That’s never bothered you before,” he said with a raspy voice. Then Sarah’s laughter rippled outward from a few paces away, her form looking much smaller from this distance as she blew bubbles out of a small looped plastic wand. Steve groaned with displeasure, “But I suppose you’re right.”
You licked your lips and straightened your posture before feeding Steve a grape.
Suddenly both your cell phones beeped.
You both groaned from the impending disruption of your day off.
Steve looked at his phone and scrolled through a long docket before swearing under his breath.
"They need us back in the field," he said through a clenched jaw. He wasn't amused with the last-minute work call.
Your eyes widened when you read through your own docket, "They've managed to trace the Iron Maiden back to her hideout."
"Call the babysitter would you, I'll go get Sarah."
Steve walked over to Sarah and lifted her onto his shoulders.
You sighed, dialling the number of the babysitter, "So much for my day off."
***
The dark-tinted tactical SUV raced passed several blocks. You were suited up and fastening on your gloves. Your partner Clint sat beside you, checking the edges of his katana. He had yet to fully fasten on his arm-guards leaving the identical bullet hole scars on his palms exposed. There was also a matching sized hole drilled through the katana’s grip, some of the metal bent outward jaggedly.
Like clockwork, the memory attached to those scars rung through your head. You squinted your eyes shut for a moment.
 Framework>Data Banks> Memories> Memories synchronised: 62%
A panorama of open country raced nauseatingly across the speeding car's window. A ‘Welcome to Budapest’ sign on the highway. An ambush. The snipers nest releasing soviet made hollow-point bullets into metal car doors. Clint's sword sliced diagonally across a red-haired woman’s face. A single bullet ripping through Clint's hands that were griped on his sword for the finishing blow. A scream, a painful cry, a worried shout. You tackled your partner to the ground. The red-haired woman making a run for it. Steve throwing his shield. The metal impacting with a spine so intensely it crushed the spinal cord. Defector Maria Hill laying paralysed from the waist down. A shield emblem printed on her right jacket pocket. Clint's hands trembling as you wrap them in bandages, his face contorted in anger as he failed to move his fingers. “She better pray we never cross paths again!”
 "Hey, you good partner?" Clint placed his hand on your back, having noticed your discomfort.
"Bad week is all," you reassured him as you opened your eyes. “You ever going to repair the hilt on that? It can’t be comfortable to hold with the metal bending out like that.”
Clint chuckled and made a fist rigidly with both his hands, one at a time. When they opened up again, several of his fingers moved like iced joints. A painful sneer enlarging his nostrils.
"Are you okay?" You asked him.
Clint fastened on his gloves, "Just cramps. How's lover boy?"
"Always with the deflecting,” You shook your head. “He's… been on edge about something lately. I just feel like something's not… right."
Clint sheathed his sword and pulled his mask out from under his seat, "Maybe it's because you chose not to go on your honeymoon. He is old fashioned after all. Probably all that pent up sexual tension turning into plain tension."
Clint laughed at his jab, you punched his midrib hard.
"Shut up," You looked over the mission brief one more time and then checked your guns. "If this really is the Iron-Maiden's hideout, Romanoff might be there..."
Clint turned stiff at the mention of Natasha's name. His fist-clenching so tight it strained against his leather gloves.
"Good," he said menacingly as he fastened on his mask.
The black SUV's rolled up in an old brick house neighbourhood. You placed your comms unit in your ear and unholstered your gun.
"Look alive people, time to storm a castle."  
You and Clint exchanged a fist bump, the simple action triggered a searing pain to braze through your mind like a cheese grater. You gasped, ground your molars together and banged your head against the leather seats of the SUV. The memory wasn't clear, it was hazy like a half-forgotten dream. An image of a man with long hair, lips pulled in a reluctant smile, flickered in your mind like a loose light fixture. You couldn't see past his top lip, but the thought of him filled you with something you hadn't felt in a long time: safe.
The headache subsided almost as quickly as it came, you blinked several times.
"You good?" Clint asked once more, his serious tone lacerating through you.
You nodded, took a breath and hopped out of the car. Gun out of its holster, you took up tactical positions and stormed the old brick apartment complex in strategic waves of intimidating force. The sound of helicopter blades slicing through the air above drew your attention. Steve was seated inside, fully geared and ready to jump onto the roof.
Over the comms, you heard Clint say, "One with the least take down numbers buys the first round at McCredie’s."
"You're on!" You challenged.
“Easy there, Mrs Rogers,” Steve said cooly. “We know that if you lose this bet, you’re just gonna make me buy the round.”
“Better make sure to send all the stragglers my way then, honey.”
Clint grappled to a high floor, “Hey that’s cheating.”
The sound of Steve bursting through a window filled the comms, “No, that’s just a perk of being married to me.”
You chuckled as you fired off several shots at the enemy.
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PART THREE: WHO THE FUCK IS BUCKY?
AFWHI tags: @fangirl-colo @dormousse @smallmarvel @ren-ni @sargentbucket @nikolett3 @wnygirl2012 @jentismyname @evilgeniuslabz-blog @myrabbitholetoneverland @sleepingspacedragon @500daysofbecky @reidreader  
Permatags: @gruffle1 @thechickvic @notawarriorjustyet @savethehoneeybees
tags:@ladybugsfanfics
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writcraft · 6 years ago
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2018 Fandom Reflections
I’m going to do a year in review list of fics and answer tags on some of the memes floating around, but I’m waiting until January when a few anon fics in fests are revealed as I’d really like to include those in my ramblings. This is more a personal take on some reflections I’ve had on fandom - and my place and activity within it - over the course of this year.
On a personal level, real life work and fandom as a hobby have intersected this year for me like never before, and the combination of taking on multiple commitments to academic publishing, grappling with the demands of my thesis and moderating and participating in multiple fests has been a lot. I’ve had something of a rollercoaster year, but I’m ending 2018 feeling creatively inspired, happy, and energised for another active fandom year. Thank you to everyone who has been part of it and those friends new and old that have been instrumental to shaping my year and pulling me out of the funk I was in at the beginning of the year.
Some key lessons I’ve personally learned in 2018 below the cut to save your dash from my GIANT WALL OF TEXT.
All At Sea: I think of my relationship to fan spaces sometimes as a bit like being out at sea. It’s easy to get caught up in the current and drift along, but the tide is always turning and there are unexpected storms which make staying afloat more challenging at times. Sometimes it can be exhausting when you feel as though you’re swimming against a strong current and making no progress, but on other occasions you find a spot where you can swim, choose your own direction, do handstands in the water and it’s exhilarating. This year I learned it’s okay to get out of the sea sometimes, to push your toes in the sand, feel the sun on your face, and just enjoy watching the waves. Have a cocktail with friends at the beach bar, chill the fuck out, basically. From starting the year feeling in something of a fandom funk, I’ve got to a place at the end of this year where I feel very positive about fandom and grateful to share a space with so many brilliant, talented, supportive people. 
Burnout and Information Overwhelm: This year, the burnout has been real and I’ve worked out that the platforms I’m operating on contribute a lot to that feeling of mental exhaustion. Using my mobile for fandom activity, having more time than ever at my personal laptop instead of an office computer which restricted me from accessing fan platforms and ramping up my use of Tumblr, Twitter, WhatsApp and Discord for fandom activity created a kind of information overwhelm that comes with high speed interactions and heightened the sense of needing to be present, or to offer opinions as part of fast-paced interactions requiring quick thinking, and sometimes knee-jerk responses. With this came the suspicion and bitter taste caused by anonymous messages cropping up in the inboxes of me and my friends, and it felt at times as though I was constantly logged on and in a state of hypersensitivity. I’ve learned that stepping back from things and learning to balance time spent online with time spent offline is an important part of self-care and it’s okay to be absent for a while. If conversations are draining, leave them. If you see opinions you don’t like, ignore them or try to understand them. They are just opinions - and I mean opinions on characters, canon, fandom and so on as opposed to political opinions that actively seek to harm people. Everyone has different perspectives on things. There really is room for everyone. Regarding anonymous messages, if the only way someone wants to interact with you is via crappy anonymous messages, I’ve learned they are not worth your time, effort or mental energy. Interacting only brings more attention to them. Delete, block, move on. Fuck ‘em. If you want to talk to me, do it off anon. If I’ve upset you with my actions, tell me. Let’s have a proper, adult conversation. 
Look for the Rainbow: Fandom spaces are communities which form around peoples passions. They are places of brilliant creativity but the things we love have a tendency to give rise to extreme emotional responses. I’ve veered from extreme highs to extreme lows and this year I have learned the importance of finding a balance that works. I think a relentlessly positive, non-critical approach can be just as stifling as a culture of intense negativity and constant division, but having said that when I’m having my storm cloudy moments I’m trying to focus on the rainbow. Wallowing in bad feeling tends to nurture and cultivate that sense of dissatisfaction until it becomes suffocating. There’s a tremendous amount of good in fandom space. Good people, good ideas, tireless effort, incredible organisation, passion, creativity and vibrancy. There’s a huge amount to feel positively about and whilst I would never advocate for a laissez faire, entirely non-critical approach, I also think everyone has their own capacity for critical thinking and the way those thoughts can permeate and shape our whole experience of fandom and - by extension - influence our creative abilities. I’ve learned to focus more on the things I get out of fandom that make me happy, to retain a critical eye on things as I always will given the nature of my research, but not to allow the critical to obscure the many positive things about fandom. 
Evaluating Self-Worth: I’ve really tried in the latter part of this year not to measure myself or my worth by external metrics of success. The kudos, the hits, the number of followers, the amount of positive interaction over anonymous messages, the posts I’m tagged in, the hype, the rec lists I’m on or not on, and so on. Comparing yourself to other people can lead to resentment and frustration or to an inflated sense of self-importance. It says a little something about how I started the year that I thought I want to grow my tumblr and write a really successful fic, and thought I would know if I had accomplished that by feedback and response. I’m actually quite embarrassed to admit that because I think it makes me look like a dick, and I’m super pleased with the support my fics get in any event, but I wanted to share it because I think it’s important in terms of this lesson I’ve learned this year. I went from a place of being very focused on external measures of success to ending this year realising that my most successful stories have been the ones I’m proudest of and they are not the ones with the most hits or kudos. Those are the stories that I enjoyed creating the most, and the ones that left me feeling incredibly positive and proud at the end of this year, looking forward to the next year in fandom and planning projects that I already know won’t be the most popular, but they are the ones I’m creatively excited about and inspired by, so those are the ones I should be focusing on. Despite its resistance to corporate structures, there’s something very capitalist about the way we can sometimes be lured into evaluating self-worth in fandom, and those structures are embedded within fandom itself. They won’t go away, but focusing on them doesn’t half make me unhappy. 
Support Other Creators: It’s easy to let negative feelings overwhelm the way we interact with one another in fandom. One of the most important lessons I’ve learned this year is that you get back what you put in. Through supporting other creators you build friendships formed around shared creative passions and interests. You feel pride in your friends accomplishments. You improve your own work by reading widely, cheerleading, editing, beta reading, alpha reading, brit picking. Writing can be a lonely endeavour but it doesn’t have to be that way when you’re part of a community that uplifts others. 
Treat People With Kindness: Not everybody has the same levels of confidence or the same energy for rigorous debate. We all have days where we feel like we could crack into pieces, where we feel lonely, invisible, anxious, excluded, unhappy or fragile. It’s easy to be brave behind a computer screen, but ultimately people on the other end are going through stuff in the same way we all are. I’m making a concerted effort in 2019 to engage patiently and respectfully with opinions I disagree with and to be open to anyone who wants to chat or talk through things. I want to work on building new friendships (yeah, I’m going to slide into your DMs, like hiiiii :D) and maintaining old ones, ensuring I give back the same energy and support I get from friends so they know how appreciated they are. I started this year thinking Tumblr required a level of saltiness and a dgaf attitude that’s never been me, honestly. The lesson I’ve learned this year is to resist going along with the pile and to stop and think before engaging. For some people that might seem like an annoying attempt to sit on the fence and please everyone which is never going to happen, but to be honest I think it’s all about finding what works for you in that regard. I’m here for the hot takes and the salt at times, but tbh it’s pretty much just not me. Even when I’ve responded heatedly to an anonymous message that thoroughly deserved it, it’s felt performative and weird and I’m just not going to do that anymore. 
If you made it this far, thank you for reading! If you ever want to chat fandom thoughts then I’m always open to that and hope everyone has a very happy 2019!
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enouragement-blog · 6 years ago
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This time... no, this time!
I had really done it this time. I was so burned out from the trials of being a pastor that I had kinda just backed off in total. I wasn’t reading my bible or praying, really trying to just pull away from ministry and people, and spending most of my focus combating panic attacks and depression. I knew I needed to refresh myself in God’s presence, but I was delaying it. I didn’t want Him to tell me to start focusing on ministry again. I didn’t want to draw close to Him because I didn’t want to have to change and face my demons. This went on for quite a while. It was a stale mate. Part of me wanted to seek God more, and I felt guilty for not, but another part of me was so done with the constant disappointments and difficulties. I didn’t want any of it. I just wanted to be someone else that was somewhere else. That’s a great thing for the associate pastor who is also the worship leader to feel (sarcasm). Days turned into weeks, weeks into months, and it seemed like no matter what, even if I did work up the courage for that day, I was facing a slow and steady decline, much like the Roman Empire. God had been using me, I was hearing from Him, and I did the right thing at the time. But that was then, and this was now. The situation had been one giant cluster-cuss, and the hurt kept pushing me further and further - and I let it. I didn’t do anything to stop it, and honestly, I didn’t want to. If you’ve been in ministry OR are a Christian, you probably know what I’m talking about.
But then I felt God calling stronger and stronger. Evidently He was not content with me soaking in self-sorrow and pain. Yea, the situation sucked. But that was not the end of my story nor was it the end of my ministry, and most importantly, it wasn’t the end of my spiritual growth. Past the pride of self and past the hurt and bitterness towards others, God wasn’t done in me. So I took a small step, I read A chapter of the bible. That may not seem big, but it was. God showed me all kinds of things,but I stopped reading almost as soon as I started. Another couple weeks past and the same thing happened again. I started again, but in a different book. I didn’t want to read the bible, as though I was bored of it, but I also did want to read the bible, but I didn’t know where to start. This time, I stuck with it. In the days leading up to sticking with it, I had read a few verses here and there, and had started a bible study in a certain book in the New Testament. This forced me to, at least once a week, pick up my bible. And evidently it did work in part. Seeking God is the process where God seeks you, and you seek Him, to the extent that you don’t know who started seeking who first. So I started reading just a little bit and stuck with it all of two days. The night of the second day, I had to lead worship for a service. During the worship I said something along the lines of “I want more of You, God” in my heart. As soon as the worship was over, someone gave a word along the lines of “I have heard you ask for me of me, and I will answer and give you even more than you asked for”. Just like that. There was no long, drawn out spiel about how I had been unfaithful, or I messed up, or anything else. God just let it go, answered me, and that was that. I was instantly relieved, but also there was a part of me that said “there, you made God happy, so now you can just relax and drop the whole thing”.
I don’t understand God a lot of times. Why wouldn’t He rub it in, or demand that I prove my penitence? Why did He answer and encourage me, when He knew the thoughts of my heart, and how I would instantly want to back off - when He answered me how I myself asked? He knows I’m going to mess up in the future, yet He still forgives me when I ask now. That doesn’t make sense. When my kids do something, I can’t just drop it, because they need to learn their lesson. Yet God had every reason to prove a point - He had the high ground in our disagreement! - but He just let it go. The problem with focusing too much on God’s wrath and judgment is that it is not the FULL picture of who God is. I’ve been a Christian a long time, and I’ve been in church even longer - I know better. I’ve read enough books to know what to do when I face disappointment, burnout, and other things. Yet I didn’t want to fix the situation. I just wanted to leave it alone and move on. What do I have to do for God to finally give up on me and say “That’s quite enough out of you - you’ve messed up too many times”? Maybe this is what Paul felt when he wrote Romans 8:38-39: “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord”. Maybe we need to re-evaluate how we lead, how we parent, how we love, how we serve, and how we live.
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