#because according to my doctors im one of the few people that can use the large bones excuse fkamfnsnfn

[kavehayi]

estos celos!

jealous bfs headcannons - feat. hsr boys!

hsr boys include: blade, welt, luocha, danheng, gepard, ratio, aventurine

author's note: hello everyone! sorry i havent made anything in a while, ive been really busy💔 but i will say that i will start posting more and i actually mean it this time, i will make time to post! i love you all and hope you understand! this blog will undergo a layout change so be on the lookout!

BLADE • the not so obvious jealous but you can tell

does not seem like the type to make jealousy obvious at all

but when he is...be careful because he will get so damn possessive

in a good way! not in a bad way, bladie would absolutely never do anything to hurt you on purpose

when he's jealous, i like to think he tries to hide it but eventually you notice something is wrong

when you ask him what's wrong, he'll tell you straight up how he feels

he doesnt seem like the type to beat around the bush at all

he'll tell you why he's jealous to your face because he loves you and feels like honesty is better than keeping away secrets

but to be honest...he probably saw you with another guy and got upset

and yes i do imagine blade to be upfront about how he feels once you ask him about why he's off

WELT • very upfront about how he feels and i mean VERY

as soon as he feels jealous, he'll tell you straight up

like as fast as a click, he tells you immediately and discusses it with you

he's very logical but will get jealous at times, just be understanding is all he can ask

most the time you guys will come to a compromise and each time you guys never get into arguments

but there is sometimes where you guys will but he never intends to break your heart

hes a sweet man and all he asks for is for your understanding and support

when he does make you upset during your tiny arguments he wants you to immediately tell him

even if you're stubborn

LUOCHA • he's a doctor so obviously...tells you immediately

hes a doctor so he has to be used to telling people the truth

so obviously this wouldnt be too bad with your guys' relationship

when he's jealous, he'll tell you how he feels after the moment of jealousy ends

which usually isnt for a few days so maybe he doesn't tell you immediately but its fine!

he does tell you eventually though, and i think thats better than never telling you

DANHENG • a little bit more shy if im honest

he's usually straightforward ok? but...

when it comes to you, that man is an absolute softie that has no idea what to do when he's around you

the man stammers sometimes trying to form a sentence around you when you look amazing

so honestly, when he's jealous, he tries to hide it like blade does

but when you eventually notice that he's off, he'll burst

like a dam, the man is stuttering out sentences and trying not to sound possessive or clingy

eventually he does sound clingy as hell and everytime your heart melts hearing his concern with you potentially leaving him

and each time you remind him how much you love him

(self indulgent sorry guys...softie dan heng is my weakness...)

GEPARD • another softie who's even more shy

biggest softie in the universe, the man is a golden retriever bf i dont care what you say

you adore him but everytime you go out with someone else and leave him at home

better expect the man to send a bunch of clingy texts

when you get home he tries denying the jealousy allegations

but he fails, hes jealous, he has to admit it

after years of questioning, you finally break him and he admits it to you

he knows you love him but he still gets a bit insecure at times and thats ok!

a little reassurance never hurt no one afterall!

RATIO • completely blunt but also a little bit more guarded

the man is known for being blunt and open but when it comes to you

he prefers being more guarded on his feelings cause according to him

its the logical thing to do

but he'll never admit just how much he loves you, i mean the man keeps every little gift you get him

but goodness when he's jealous, you can tell

he gets very possessive and holds you close to him no matter the situation

once you guys are done with the situation, he talks to you about it

and you have to be understanding and reassuring with him because he does it to you so its only fair

besides, he'll never tell you but his biggest fear is...

losing you

AVENTURINE • a little guarded but he tries to be open

the man is guarded about his feelings and for good reason

it took a while for you to understand how he felt about you because he was afraid

he didnt wanna get hurt

but after some reassurance, you finally got him to admit he wanted to be with you

and so you prepared yourself for the hardships

and you made sure he knew how much you loved him

but when he got jealous, he had a hard time opening up about it

it'd be very hard to tell if he was jealous so you usually picked up on his body language or even his eyes

if he had his left hand behind his back then you'd know that he was hiding something

once you caught him, then he'd try telling you but you never forced anything

he loves you, and he'll always remind you it and even when he has a hard time opening up...

yknow its just how he is because of everything he's been through

just...dont be hard on him

hihi! send in a message if you want a part two! also please request what men you want in part two!

[yurious-george]

4'33'', by John Cage, is commonly remembered as 4 and a half minutes of silence. But contrary to popular belief, the song is not actually meant to be the sound of silence, but the sound of quiet. Ambient noises contribute to - and consist of - the performance. True silence does not exist. If one tilts their head right, the whole world sings. and, with that said, a playlist.

yeah, this one's a doozy. hi, cubewatermelon and co. miss me?

rhetorical question. don't answer that.

A few nitty-gritty things out of the way, first. this is specifically intended for the 2018 mod team for the sleepless domain fans discord server, primarily cubewatermelon/mary cagle. Folks who knew me are welcome to look on, but I'm not going to do much to catch people up to speed. hi, everyone! hope you're well!

I also might be a bit disjointed or biased in my recollection. For reasons that will be made clear extremely soon, I can't put my childhood on a linear timeline. I can only express myself, and hope I don't mess it up horribly this time.

Noooowww to the big stuff. re: stalking; i genuinely didn't mean to stalk anyone, and when they told me to back off, i backed off. I am not willing to discuss this further. not being able to conceptualize other people's emotions or the consequences of my actions has caused some problems for me

that's an autism thing btw. im autistic i dont think i told anyone that

And now, the special guest you've all been waiting for: a big round of applause for the elephant in the room! In accordance with the WMA Declaration of Tokyo, the deliberate overprescription of psychotropic medication is a form of pharmacological torture. Most victims of pharmacological torture and experimentation are children, because it is nigh-impossible to sue for brain damage when there is no fully-formed adult brain for comparison prior to the abuse.

Torture is a strong word, but I don't have another word to use. psychiatric abuse usually describes mistreatment in psychiatric wards; pharmacological abuse describes a patient who takes advantage of a prescription; medical abuse is when a doctor (usually physically) abuses their patient. Being able to understand what happened to you is a form of agency, and I don't even have the words. I identify as a torture victim; this may change.

This high dose was precedented and legal, but the vaginal stretching of intersex infants is also legal. much involuntary psychiatric & psychotropic treatment (such as restraints and solitary confinement) are legal, and child marriage is legal. abuse is not abnormal: it is profoundly normal. Because something is normal, legal, and precedented does not prevent it from being torture.

and when your mother hands you a poison apple and says "here, eat this; it will be good for you; i hope someday you'll forgive me" you have to eat it, because you are eight years old and you don't get to argue with your mother. despite all this, I don't blame my aunt for refilling the high dose. when I said the dose was hurting me, she listened. (thank you, auntie. i wouldn't have gotten out without you.)

And this brings us to you. oh, you four. (five? i forget myself!)

I'd like to establish some context. I was used to things getting taken from me. friend groups in particular: I didn't expect to keep any friends, because I constantly expected to have to pack up and move on. I moved a lot in my childhood, and in Africa, i was constantly told that at some undetermined point in the near future, i'd have to go back to the states. living with my aunt was a temporary thing, i was expected to eventually move back in with my parents at some undetermined point in the future. I relied heavily on online friends because they were people I could have anywhere, so online communities were my only lifeline - not to mention, i was basically in solitary confinement while in Kenya.

Most of all, I was terrified of my mental health/actions being exposed, examined, found lacking, and ultimately excluded. (this is why i was so afraid of psychiatric wards.) When you decided something had to be done about me - cutting me off from the server so i had to speak with you - It was either comply with your demands to communicate (which I could not, and did not understand why) or lose the community. I was so, so afraid of you i wanted to die when you all confronted me, and of course i couldn't say that, because only manipulative people would say "your attempt to solve this problem makes me want to seriously hurt myself."

But then I got called manipulative anyway <3 yay <3

Seriously: I wasn't trying to manipulate anyone, and i have no idea how you can manipulate someone without intention. (ah, that felt good to say!) Between medication spellbinding, alexithymia, and prior abuse, all my thoughts were so disordered i genuinely couldn't explain myself most of the time. Looking back, I have no childhood memory where I was fully lucid. I leaned into a manic persona because it was the only way I had any agency at all. I was something beyond both reason and self-recognition, and I willingly tried to brute-force my way through an extreme trauma response to please you. And you still hit me with my worst nightmare. that's why i was mad at you lol

I was so, so afraid, all the time, and I didn't even have the tools to understand I was afraid. How could someone as confident and impulsive as me be so fearful all the time? Was that manic persona freedom? Or was it a longer leash?

(Forgive my impulse toward rhetoric. I shouldn't ask questions you can't answer.)

I also couldn't say how badly i was hurting, because that would be venting, but you also accused me of venting when I was just talking about my day? or what was on my mind? I didn't understand that very well. autism moment, don't bother explaining it now. I also couldn't burden people with my actual mental health problems, because making strangers deal with that would be toxic! I resent you for setting up a system where it seemed safest not to speak and then punishing me for my inability to communicate. I resent every system that set me up for failure and punished me for failing, including yours.

And yet - I know that was not your intent! I can see in retrospect how hard you tried to be kind using the tools you had. The people with power over me, who genuinely did not want to do me harm and gave me multiple second chances, still upheld and facilitated the systems that tortured me; a miniature parody of the psychiatric system. (talk therapy and communication are useless if you struggle with self-awareness.) The same is true for the source: No person in my psychiatric treatment wanted me to suffer, and yet, here I am: a torture victim without a torturer. (except my parents, sort of.)

The logical conclusion, then: the system only intends to heal those who are already compliant, or prioritize compliance. The rest of us are treated to induce compliance, and if we still cannot, we are sequestered away. My medicine made me sick, and my prescribers made money off of keeping me sick - off of my torture. This is not a conspiracy: it is my lived experience.

However, even if i could communicate perfectly, we still would have had massive communication issues. Like - you know that one page where ben and steffi talk about dating, and ben says he thought steffi was gay? and steffi gets super defensive and it escalates into a screaming fight? I found that offensive, because a character getting that offput by the concept of not liking men (or a man) is kind of lesbophobic! But I understood that it would be a pain to redraw/write the page so they they fight about something else, don't fight, or some other solution, so i didn't need it to be fixed - just wanted to point out that was a reasonable interpretation, and one to be aware of in the future. but somehow my concerns got interpreted as a phrasing issue…? like, Ms. Cagle rewrote the page to say "weren't into guys" instead of "gay"..? You were very polite about it, Ms! But I found this interaction so baffling I didn't even try to correct it. that… wasn't what i said…

frankly we should bring back mildly homophobic steffi. twas narratively appropriate (<- different essay for a different time)

but yeah the whole communication operation was doomed from the start. rip!

The issue was always my inability to communicate, but my meds made it nigh-impossible to understand what I was feeling, and when I did, expressing myself could get me institutionalized. My suffering was inevitable but always, somehow, my fault. Awesome! *disintegrates into a pile of sand*

I cannot deny I was a girl like a box of matches waiting to be struck. You had no choice but to do as you did. But is it really what you ought to have done? (On this, I have no answer. I hope you have one that satisfies you.)

(that was genuine, by the by. i've spent a lot of time pondering this mess, and I still haven't found the "right" answer. I don't think there is one - though action or inaction, there is no version of this story where I don't suffer. I can only hope it was worth it. wait, hold on *adds the omelas child to my Kin List*)

Nor can I deny making my previous open letter in a small attempt to 'get back' at you - i'm not above that. lord knows i'm not innocent. but i really was trying to channel that rage into something productive. unfortunately i was doomed to fail because i didn't know what i meant. if you showed me that letter now, you'd hear a lot of "what? I don't know why I said that" "i have no idea why i would complain about something so minor" etc. You can disregard all that. This is what I was trying to say. the obsession, the trauma, the projection: all of it. So much of my obsession was talking around an issue i couldn't identify.

(meguka image) I know now

I knew I would be traumatized by this whole situation. I saw it coming and i could do nothing to stop it. But Gear was crucial to deciphering all this - in fact, suddenly thinking about her last year prompted me to really dissect my medical situation and realize i was tortured. I couldn't have done it without her. cassie & maggie, against the world.

Gear scans surprisingly well as a victim of long-term torture, actually. I don't think you meant to do that but good job!

speaking of her - i still don't think she's consistently suicidal. she's a real cockroach of a character, and I love her for it! But sometimes, i want to die and i want to live mean the same thing, because they both mean i need to get out of here. Imo, her thought processes and desires frequently contradict themselves, like mine did. and making your favs kill themselves in increasingly gruesome ways is really fun catharsis!

But please don't take this to mean I consider myself - or Gear - blameless. I love her because she's not blameless, because she's cruel for fun, because she'd rather be wicked than helpless. Like knows like. What I mean to say is, as of 2018, there is a black space between little Margret and Gear, and I saw all the signs of something very, very bad happening in that space. I know because I shared that space. what I mean to say is, teenage girls don't go out of their minds over nothing. Everything I made here is just an expression of what I heard in the narrative's silences.

and thus my biggest apprehension around revisiting the comic. knowing the author and I have such fundamentally different experiences with mental health - what if the signs of torture i picked up on weren't intended, or i completely made them up? what if, in the parts i haven't read yet, there's information that uproots my entire interpretation, or berates her for refusing mental health services that hurt me profoundly? how do you reconcile that a character so crucial to deciphering yourself may not be anything like you at all? I Don't Know. Shitpost, probably

You're welcome to share those shitposts and whatnot by the way. Creating this let me put down years of hurt, and i hope it relieves you, too. I don't need to go back on the server, or forgiveness, or anything besides understanding. consider this a peace offering. the terms are yours.

Despite writing nearly 10k words, I still probably missed something or was callous or whatever. Self-expression and self-understanding are… new to me. My apology may be understated, but please take it as I meant it, with utmost sincerity. My askbox is open, and I'm more than happy to discuss antipsych resources, KB, What The Hell Is Wrong With Gear, artistic choices made in this comic, etc. I'm even down to reconnect on discord! Maybe. Uh, I'm conflicted. I reserve my right to not want to talk, be slow in responding, and so on, as should you. we've no obligations and all the time in the world. Let neither of us hurt ourselves in meeting because it's the "right" thing to do. I'm not blaming anyone or trying to start drama. If it would give you the most peace of mind to completely ignore this, please do so.

or, translated: as of right now, I'm not ready for any information about KB after steffi reunites with her dad, or difficult emotional reunions. I would really like to hear from everyone, and I'd appreciate casual well-wishes. I don't want things to be the same, I want them to be peaceful. Baby steps, cassie, baby steps. (very large and fearful prey animal tries not to run into oncoming traffic)

mostly, making this was for me. Perhaps I've said too much, but after spending so long unable to express myself freely, my art was cathartic and necessary. I'm no one's martyr or innocent, I'm just a torture victim trying to make sense of it all. I want to articulate some thoughts I couldn't figure out how to say before and make some silly things that make people laugh. Most of all, I'm happy in ways I never thought I could be, and I would like to share that joy with old acquaintances and other fans of a story I adored.

What I mean to say is: The train's about to leave the station, and there's an empty seat beside me. The train will still leave whether or not you board; but I would be honored not to go it alone!

Thank you to everyone who stuck by me even after the drama. Ethel, Felipe, Chris - even though we've fallen out of contact, your kindness and patience meant more than i can say. special thank you to @stars-in-a-jam-jar, the first person i confessed everything to after the smoke cleared, and someone i consider myself close with no matter how long we fall out of contact. My close online friends, @shafpanda, @theoandmoon, @dvanaestmrva, my honorary cousin @my-name-is-jimmy, and everyone else I confided in about my torture. and, of course, my partners @transloo and @teenyjellyfishy, and my little sibling, @aroacenezhaanddainsleif, the three people I love most in the world. Thank you, all. it is an honor to love you, and be loved by you.

[empty-blog-for-lurking]

What happenes if/when allura shiro and lance meet in the shrödinger reality au? Theres do many ways this meeting could go wrong..........

Also shiro having a brother in this au is such an interesting plot point.. Shiro is slowly descending into madness by his memories halucinations and stuffing severed limbs into potted plants pots and kuro is like 'im so glad my brother has a new hobby:) hes been so passionate about gardening recently! I wonder what fertilizer is he using to make them grow this well.. also why is the floor do slippery nowadays'

and the answer turns out to be maybe-propably-not-real severed body parts

The way i see it (and i am basing this on vibes), that they didnt even notice or remembered. The way Lance's Thing works is that he 1) goes usually unnoticed, like pebbles on a road 2) even if you notice him, or talk to him, or he talks to you as long as you are not the one he's targetting (which rarely ever happens) they dont usually 'recognize' him. It is like how some animals dont recognize their own reflection, maybe some people would feel off about him, some people would be curious about him and some people would be able to notice and remember him (like that one doctor) but ultimately they wont be able to pinpoint what exactly is wrong just a constant feeling of wrongness. 3) they usually wont remember him. They might feel like they are forgetting something, or something is missing but usually they will forget about him.

However again the pebbles on road metaphor applies here. If you dont notice him, you just dont notice him, if you had one passing glance, you'll forget about him instantly, if you noticed him, talked to him, examined him, you are more likely to notice some details meaning you would realize that Something is Wrong, meaning you will remember him for a bit longer.

Which is how i feel Lance's first meeting with Shiro and Allura is going to go. They wont notice him, or recognize him, or remember him. I imagine there's some serial killer case both Allura and Shiro got dragged into with Allura was a witness (she was trying to understand wth us going on and trying to understand this world and oh shit that person just attacked someone) and Shiro kinda being a suspect cause he's being odd according to his friends, and Lance who has decided that he can do a better detective job than the cops (and he's 100% right) and also he thinks said serial killer is the one who 'killed' him. They do meet Lance and because they do remember or have dreamt Lance from their vld timeline, they are able to notice something is off about that guy, but they lose track of him and they kinda forget about him but do keep getting this nagging feeling that they forgot something important

Allura and Shiro do not get along at first. Allura who remembers Everything is like "Shiro? Shiro! Shiro it is you!! It's me Allura!! Oh thank voltron and guardian i found you this world is so strange and a total fake" and Shiro who has been trying to suppress his dreams for past few months is like- "Who tf are you??? I dont know who are you or what this voltron is but please stay away from me" (<=lying). And like Allura who was so desperate to have traces of her old life back, started to pretty much like trying to reach out to him (aka pester him). Eventually Allura is able to convince him that, yeah she indeed is both girl in his dreams but also real and Real af, and while he does Not believe her, he is also just so tired of the paranormal bs he is dealing with and if this Weird stalker lady can help him than on god he's taking that help.

And yep (in my mind his brother is Kuron) and while he doesnt show it, he is Very worried about Shiro. He reasons that he is just coping with his accident and dealing with loss of his arm and dream job and the Trauma™ (and technically he isnt wrong) but he can also tell this is something beyond That. However he has decided that he'll give Shiro space, let him come to him on his own, be supportive and strong and smiley for him. But yeah he's glad that Shiro is getting into a new hobbies, even if he is too into it sometimes.

[ddeadly-succubus]

Just answering the uid thing

A few of my family members and people ive known have grown up have had that happen, its very common. that happened to my nan and thats how my uncle was born, My aunts and my mums just fell straight out and they gave up on them entirely.

Most women ive known have switched to the arm implant but 2 of them had them ripping out of their skin and doctors wouldnt listen, and another ended up not being able to use their arm until it was removed because it was that painful

Im not trying to scare you, its just extremely common unless the people i know are unlucky or they all go to the same shit doctors

(which is a possibility, the medical services in my region (north of the uk) (especially in the past few years) has become one of the most underfunded and poor quality (+ dickhead doctors) in my entire country according to official report and personal experience

(80% of our resources have been cut since 2011)

the nhs is known to be the worst system in europe as it is, and in second to the usa for worst healthcare so take what i say with a pinch of salt because we're in war times right now)

You can find plenty of stories and information on reddit if you need help, it sounds bad but they can actually be a good resource for information if you need it or need to advocate for yourself.

Really? Everything I’ve read told me it would be difficult if not impossible for an iud to move during penetrative sex

[patchlessworld]

sometimes i feel like it’s better if i list out/announce all my diagnoses publicly or at least on my escape account (or “alt account”) like other people.

people often state explicitly that “this account is a vent account” or something like that in their bio. people also list out all of their diagnostic history in detail, like mdd at __y/o. for example, some people will have the term 「病み垢」 (directly translated to “illness account”, which means the account is solely for sharing their illnesses (mostly mental illnesses, like talking about their depressive thoughts and anxiety attacks etc) in their bio/name, and also names of different disorders they have as well as their symptoms or difficulties they have (eg unstable emotions, not attending school). apparently some also include their trauma briefly, according what i saw just now

i dont really understand the rationale behind all that tho. i get the “this is for venting” part cuz you might wanna warn ppl before they see your posts, but putting everything about yourself in the bio just doesn’t seem right for me. i mean ppl can tell whatever they wanna tell but i personally dont want to talk too much about my diagnosis.

one thing is that i dont want to label myself as those diagnoses. it sounds good at first glance cuz it seems like im talking about not letting the mental illnesses consume you and the whole “dont let your mental illness define you” thing. but nah, im not talking about those things. i simply do not agree with the diagnoses. doctors said that i have this and i have that, and i dont think im ill At All. so putting my diagnoses in bios means that i admit to having these issues. but thats the exact opposite. i am not sick. my “lack of motivation” is just me being lazy. my “mood swings” are just my normal reactions to things happening around me. i believe that theres no illness inside my head.

another thing is that, im not the type of guy who shares all of their informations on the web. i dont need the whole world to know my condition. it’s uncomfortable. and i feel like any adjective i put in a self-introduction page is not accurate enough to describe my personality. i think it’s better for people to know more about me by actually using their time to read my posts, rather than just glimpsing the word “shy” and treat me based on the few words and phrases i put when i got edgy. everyone’s interpretation of the same word is different, too.

there’s a lot more reason behind “not wanting to show my diagnosis” but as i’ve said at the beginning of this post, sometimes i have the urge to tell everyone, every follower (irl/not irls included) what my diagnoses are. people probably will understand me more because even though symptoms vary from one person to another, at least there’s a certain level of criteria for me to be diagnosed, right¿ and when ppl wanna connect to others with the same illness, i can show up in their feed more easily. and to others, be it online friends or whoever, i wont be some random mysterious person on the net.

but eh, after all that b___sh*t i’ve said, im still not gonna do anything lol… literally just typing to kill time.

[ralexsol]

i either had the nicest hygienist at my dentist appointment today or she was transphobic and i seriously can’t figure it out. at first i thought she was just being super nice and curious but now that it’s stewed in my brain for like 5 hours, im leaning towards transphobic???

note that while she is talking to me, there is only a few times i can talk back to her because this is a dentist appointment and she got tools in my mouth a lot, although i did give some good explanations

so originally she was just asking me why i had decided to change my name to what it is now. she knew about my legal name not being the one i use because my mom had to tell the office beforehand about it. so i go on an explanation about how i picked it out. she asks me how i figure out i was non-binary, i explain that it was something id always felt but only really realized it like 3 or 4 years ago, and that it was just a feeling of being a person, and that it’s hard to explain.

throughout the appointment, she tells me im very pretty multiple times (and im smiling as much as i can through a dentist appointment because holy shit so many fucking compliments and i get to talk about gender!!), and that, man what she would give to look as pretty as me, and that i should be a model. like she does this 3 times or so. says im very photogenic. note that the first time she says this to me, she says, “i know you identify as non-binary and more masculine leaning, but i have to say, you are a very pretty girl.” i didn’t take offense to that at all originally because i was like in my head “yeah i get what she’s trying to say and she did put a disclaimer beforehand”, but like... i dont know...

at one point, she tells me to be wary of taking any hormones if im thinking about it because according to her, they give you a higher risk of cancer. i tell her that no, i havent been considering it because i dont feel the need. now, i did just try to look it up quickly and couldnt find anything at the surface level, i would appreciate if anyone could clarify that for me cause i would like to know about that if they really do

towards the end of the appointment, she says that she feels like im “one of those people that people tell to stand in front of a mirror naked and look at themselves until they love themselves as much as they deserve.” paraphrasing, dont remember the exact wording, but it was something similar to that. she told me that’s my homework for the day and reminds me that i am very pretty.

SO WAS SHE JUST NICE AND TELLING ME TO LOVE MYSELF MORE OR WAS SHE TRYING TO CONVINCE ME THAT I’M ONLY NON-BINARY BECAUSE SHE THINKS THAT I THINK I’M UGLY?????

note that this is the first time ive met this woman in my LIFE. i thought she was just being genuinely curious about the whole non-binary thing but it was like she just got so comfortable so fast?? am i just not used to some stranger reassuring me of my self-worth?

also both her and the doctor kept telling me that my teeth were absolutely gorgeous so at least im sure of one thing and that is i am good at keeping my teeth clean 👍 havent had single cavity in my adult teeth, and ive gone through the entire process of braces

(i will say that this wasn’t all we chatted about, she told me about her self-publishing daughter and stuff, she wasn’t like LASER-focused on my gender identity lol)

[raventrigonsdaughter]

.

[watchtheblog]

mourning sickness

mourning thoughts

when my dad called to tell me my brother had died, the last thing he said before he hung up was “it’s just you and me now, sadie.” it was valentine’s day 17 years ago.

when my dad died, it was just me and him. i was asleep on the floor at the side of his hospital bed. it was a thursday one month ago.

i called a few people; only one picked up.

it is just me now.

~~

mourning panic

i had been playing music continuously for my dad on one of my phones for weeks. one day in the hospital he mentioned beethoven string quartets, so i played an album of string quartets for 12 hours a day.

days later, his closest friend suggested a few of his favorite albums - schumann lieder, fauré melodies, goldberg variations, beethoven symphonies - so i played those for 12 hours a day.

then we moved to hospice, and i played these albums for 58 hours.

the evening before he died he developed what is called the “death rattle” - it’s a way of breathing that indicates death is near. people prepared me for it by telling me it sounds like “gurgling”. it doesn’t. imagine the cranking of a rollercoaster as it’s ascending the incline, but muffled by a blanket.

a beethoven symphony accompanying the death rattle perfectly scored the last few hours of my dad’s life. i wanted to remember this musical accordance so i used my other phone to record audio in the room, and i went to sleep.

the music had become pathological. i knew it was what was keeping him alive, so when i woke up that morning to silence i knew he was gone before even looking for the rise and fall of his sheet.

the paper i signed said time of death 6:50am because that’s when the nurse practitioner came in after i called for her, but i know it was 6:15am because i played the recording back to listen for his last breath.

~~

mourning routine

i’d been with my dad every day for three weeks. after a few days, i’d established a routine for us. i’d arrive when visiting began, and i’d say something like hi dad, it’s april 12th and it’s a beautiful day outside. we’re safe and everything is good. maybe later we’ll go outside. or hi dad, it’s the morning and we have so much to look forward to. let’s relax now. i’d tell him i loved him - i love him - and we’d begin the day.

the days were the same. my dad slept, i worked from a chair with my back turned to the east river, nurses and doctors came in to disturb us, i read chapters of books on grief, my dad would wake up and we’d talk for a bit and i’d tell him to rest when he started to get agitated, and again we’d find our peace, and we’d exist for the rest of the day until visiting was over.

on the fourth day, i started keeping a journal of thoughts and notes from the day. this is the first one i wrote:

“can we have this conversation outside?” im always whispering to someone who has intruded on the space i share with my dying father to talk about my dying father’s impending death. none of these people seem to understand that talking about a dying person’s impending death in front of the dying person while the dying person is very much alive and potentially unaware of the fact that they are dying is - at best - uncourteous, and - at worst - fucking traumatic. “if they know, they let go”!!! someone told me that. selfish / selfless. i’m doing my best. i don’t want him to be scared / know that i know. i have to protect him.

**(i don’t think it’s advisable - legally or by my own anger - to talk about the nature of my dad’s “illness” but for the sake of giving some insight: he died of a preventable medical event due to an inexcusable act of negligence that occurred before he arrived to the hospital)**

my dad was in and out of cognition during the first few weeks but when he first arrived to the hospital he was unintelligible. this meant that when i arrived i had to make decisions.

i made decisions with my dad’s best interest in mind. on bad days, these decisions made sense. on “good days” - days when my dad asked about my new home or work or my boyfriend or how weird it would be to want to live on roosevelt island - the choices i’d made on behalf of his physical body and the ones i’d made to mentally protect him from reality seemed to negate or even usurp his autonomy, so i asked my dad’s sister to have a conversation with him about “what was going on”.

she flew in the next day, and i stayed home. i did not want him to know that i knew he was dying. my aunt is brave in ways i’ll never be, so she told him.

she told me he was very angry at her. i scream cried for an hour reading and rereading the text she sent summarizing the conversation.

there were few “good days” after this.

~~

mourning lessons, mourning strength

my dad lived for me.

i don’t say that flippantly. everyone he knew told me that - nurses who had just met him told me that. he told everyone.

i lived for him, too. i wanted to have life for him. i lived on his behalf. i wanted to see and do things just to tell him about them. i took photos i’ll never look at again to show him. i did things i never thought i’d do to impress him or make him proud of me— i don’t know how to swim but i jumped into a lake just to hear him say “WOW, sadie!!” (and he did).

he saw every event in my life as a success, and he lived to see me succeed. he celebrated me every day of my life. the last thing of consequence he said to me was “i hope all of your projects are successful” after i said goodbye to him at the end of one of our long days. i had not discussed any “projects” with him.

my dad taught me to be kind, and to seek justice. he taught me to do for others, but always put myself first. he taught me to be generous, and grateful, and say thank you, and to appreciate everything i have.

he taught me how to make sigara boregi, and baklava, and to keep traditions. he taught me diction, and how to argue, and be incisive. he taught me how to play the piano, and chess, and that being smart was power, and a responsibility.

he was sensitive and artistic, and - like me - had few friends, but one of them described him like this: “one of the most memorable people I have ever met, in real life or in fiction.  He was not someone you forget.  He was a person who thought big, a person with great imagination, a kindred spirit to the great composers and poets.”

my father was deeply enamored with the parts of himself that he saw in me, and in turn i became dedicated to making those parts whole.

~

i woke up one morning in hospice and wrote down that i felt like an icicle. i was losing parts of myself every day, but the comparison was less about that which i was losing than that which was still hanging on.

every day there were parts of me that were begging for the privilege of relief, for the privilege to sink into the puddle of yesterday and every moment passed - to let go - and every day i chose to carry on as an act of strength.

“i’m losing myself but i can’t let go. i am whole here otherwise i am broken at the bottom.” i wrote.

i am strong because of my father, but he didn’t teach me that.

there’s a difference between being taught something, and learning it. teaching comes with intention, and i learned a few things from my dad that he didn’t intend to teach me - like how to play the lotto, or curse, or be trenchantly insulting at the smallest provocation. that’s mirroring behavior.

learning strength from my father was not like this. my dad was not an example of strength but he was not weak; he was resilient. what my dad had was an unshakable resistance to adversity -- even in death.

learning something from someone who wasn’t quite equipped to teach it was a survival technique, and i am surviving because of it.

~~

mourning gratitude, memories

my brother died when i was a kid so i am used to loss, and it was sudden and unexpected, so i am used to grief. having three weeks to say goodbye to my dad felt like - was - a privilege.

i feel grateful for every minute i got to spend with him, from the first time i saw him register that he was not alone when i arrived off my red eye hours after he’d been admitted to the ER, to the last time i laid my body across his chest to improvise a hug.

i will cry every day for a long time. i will cry thinking about how my dad will not walk me down the aisle, or meet my child, or ever again call to tell me there’s a program on pbs that i “must” watch.

but i will smile thinking of us casually strolling into an auction at sotheby’s… and staying. i will laugh thinking about my dad ordering a steak “medium rare, but charred - CHARRED, ok? - on the outside and pink on the inside” at every single restaurant we ever went as if anyone would ever write those words down, let alone pass them along to someone in a kitchen. i will laugh thinking about him describing a woman by telling me “she has a contemporary haircut” or telling me he needed an iphone 12 (he had the 11) because his phone was too “slippery” and it “slips out of my hand like a FISH, mercedes” (yes, he needed a case).

great memories.

~

i have always thought i’ve known what it is to be “alone”. i live in a state of “alone” by choice, but when my dad died i realized what that actually meant.

you leave me behind to fight this fight that i have always thought i fought alone, only to realize in this very moment how wrong i was, i wrote.

this is loss. this is the feeling of being without.

it is a gift to have HAD, to have known love and warmth and compassion like this, and to have been able to reciprocate. but still i wanted one more day… and one more day… and one more day.

yes, it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. but by how much?

something i thought was invincible has been shattered… i’ll know once i rebuild.

~~

mourning dawn

i have been reluctant to expose my father to the indignity of the internet because the moment we share an experience it becomes part of the collective whole, and i have long felt that my father belongs only to me.

that’s the story we created when my brother died so we could survive… but now that my dad is gone, i have to create a new story.

[bookwyrminspiration]

the elven economy makes no sense. how do they make money?? do they just force people to work? why do people want to work? because it’s “fun”?? im confused. does the entire economy really just rely on the whims of its citizens? how hasn’t it collapsed yet? how come they all have provided houses and all that? is it like all the money goes through the government and they redistribute it? i don’t get it. also, why does their money equal so much in human dollars? one, why is that necessary to include — it looks dumb — and two, why would they even be able to convert it when their economy doesn’t act like humans’ nor are there respective economies even involved at all?? and why do they just hand out money to their citizens? doesn’t that decrease the value of money? or are those from taxes? do elves even have taxes? how is the money redistributed? does the council and the nobility work as a separate entity that charges for services so they can use that money to later hand out? im overthinking this, but so much of it makes no sense and is completely unnecessary that it gets annoying to read about. like… what’s the point of having currency when they just hand out that money constantly?? where does that money even come from??

Nonsie you are aboslutely right and it is one of the aspects of the worldbuilding that I have to force myself to ignore because there are details that have so many repercussions that just?? Aren't played out? It's like Shannon created this unimaginable wealth and went with it and then realized too late Oh No This Has Consequences.

I think it's just hard to imagine how different their world would be had Shannon followed through properly--not saying she should have, just that it would be. So much work and so different. I think what she was trying to accomplish was a world where people don't need to work and where poverty doesn't exist because everyone is provided for, but the method she chose to accomplish that was "everyone is a trillionaire via government money!!" and I don't think it's the most logical way to go about it. I think it makes sense from a kid's point of view (or it's easy enough to skip over) where she's like yeah no one is poor because everyone's rich and it's like "ah yeah that makes sense" but when you apply that to an actual economy...what??? I'll touch on that more later

But to get back to what you're saying. All elves start with the same amount of money, which is 5 million lusters (and each one is equal to a million human dollars), but they are also paid for their jobs and as such can acquire more money that way--it's said in Unlocked that some elven families are richer than others. It's also established in book one that people work "because it's fun" according to Della. Work isn't done for money, it's done to have something to do apparently. Which I think is a cover up for the fact that people...probably wouldn't have jobs or go to work if they didn't need to to survive. I mean if you didn't have to work to survive, what would you do? A government diplomacy job?? Probably not. Odds are you'd read as much as you want, do art, watch shows and movies, learn skills and crafts for your own enjoyment, all the things your heart could ever want because you've got money for a lifetime and an eternity to live. I know that I'd finally take the time to recycle my own paper, start a garden in the barren space in my backyard, learn how to make my own watercolors, get back into sewing my own clothes, write my own stories, finally read all the book sitting on my shelf. I would not be going to work the way the elves do.

There are a few things that are currently classified as jobs that I could see a few people taking up, like a writer, teacher, doctor, etc. Things that people are really passionate about, but they wouldn't be doing it for money. I think Shannon needs a workforce in her elven world, so she decided that people would enjoy their work and that's why they would do it. She created a contradiction where no one needs to work to survive, but the world still needs work...but that's a huge thing to figure out when she's trying to tell this other story.

But if everyone all has more money than they could ever need, then it's worthless. No one needs it because everyone has it, so it becomes obsolete and redundant. There is no reason to want money because everyone has it. And it doesn't sound like anyone looses money when a new person is born, so I think they might be creating money every time an elf is born. Either that or they have a bunch of registry funds already set up and waiting for people to assign them to, so that means that they have a lot of wealth that isn't circulating in their economy. Also I think there'd be a lot of uproar if elves had to pay taxed so everyone was provided for, especially if the person being provided for was talentless or a multiple birth or something. Could you imagine Lord Cassius willingly paying taxes knowing that his money is being given to a the child of a bad match's birth fund?

And why is it worth so much??? I think it is a little bit of a childish comparison, but that's because the series is meant for children. A million is an easy to understand number, hence 5 million lusters and each one worth a million US dollars--I'm assuming they're USD though I think Alden said "human dollars" and humans actually use very different currencies.

I don't think you're overthinking it, I think you're thinking about it in a way Shannon wanted us to ignore. Because in practice the elven economy makes very little sense. It had elven values--no poverty, everyone is given equal money, etc.--but human practices like working for money (despite not needing it) and paying for goods and services (despite money being worthless because everyone has it). It's like Shannon created a system and didn't fully commit so we'd still relate to it (because many of our parents have jobs! and we buy things with money! we're just like these cool elves!), but in the process we got stuck in between when we actually thought about it for more than a minute. We've gotta suspend our disbelief to make it work, as otherwise it's a mess.

there are a few moments throughout the series that just make so little sense when you think about the economy and for me one of the biggest is how Cyrah apparently opened a small hairbow stand to support herself and Wylie after Prentice was arrested like...why does she need to?? She has a birth fund, her son has a birth fund. And Alden purchased some items there with Biana, but like...money has no meaning she doesn't need it!! She has it!! There is no reason for her to have opened a little shop to support herself I do not get it.

Nonsie you are so right the elven economy is so dumb. It doesn't work in practice at all and has so many contradictions. Real people wouldn't continue doing pleasant jobs at the rate they are--there may be some volunteers, but not a whole work force. Real people wouldn't have a need for money anymore. It makes no sense!! Everyone is rich which means no one is rich because they're all equal.

What Shannon wanted was a world where everyone is provided for and no one is suffering, but this just!!! Causes so many other problems compared to solving that one!

[heyitsyn]

RANDOM SEIJOH HCs ACCORDING TO GIGI

a/n: this is a thing i cooked up between doing trig exam and ap gov review akdsjfldskfj

IM PRETTY SURE I ALREADY USED THIS GIF BUT IM WANTING TO RE-DO MY ENTIRE PAGE AND MAKING BANNERS SO THIS IS A TEMPORARY THING AJDJDJJD ALSO I DONT KNOW HOW TO DO THE KEEP READING THING ON THE APP BYE

oikawa def listens to indie music just bc he wants to feel unique and the 'iM diFfErENt fRoM oTHeR gUrLs' vibes

i FIRMLY BELIEVE IWAIZUMI HAJIME IS ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO CHOMPS ON HIS ICE CREAM BC HE LIKES TO FEEL THE COLD ON HIS TEETH AKSJSKSKSK

meanwhile kunimi eats a kitkat like its pizza just CHOMP

makki caNNOT sleep without a pillow between his thighs LIKE LISTEN he has 2 sisters and they all told him its so comfortable and at first he was like,, ??,, then he tried and now cant sleep without it

bUT MATTSUN LIKES TO SLEEP WITH PILLOWS SURROUNDING HIM bc it makes him feel safe and like there are two body pillows on either side of him and hes kinda trapped in the middle aksjskdk

when kyo was younger, he was really short and although he had other pants, he loved this one pair but they were really long on him and he wore it all the time and the part of the pants that touched the ground is torn in shreds

kindaichi steps on the sofa before sitting LIKE puts one foot on the cushion then the other until hes literally standing on the couch before folding to sit with his knees up to his chest (i do this)

watari sniffs his food before eating it no matter if its something he eats all the time or something new, he still sniffs it either way

yahaba is really particular with his feet and he likes to get a really big tupperware (duh one only meant for his feet) and fill it up with warm almost boiling water and he just soaks them

oikawa has sleep paralysis and he oftens hallucinates about aliens in the corner of his room

kunimi does this thing where he makes weird noises with his mouth like sounds of his mouth opening LIKE when youre tastinf something new and you do that sound with your tongue (I DUNNO HOW TO DESCRIBE IT AJDKSKKD)

makki bends his knees just to crack his ankles

iwa sneezes a ton but he has those sneezes where theyre quiet that you dont even notice or really loudly that it just echoes throughout the gym

kyo sleeps with one sock on bc his feet gets cold easily but both socks make him feel really hot so only one sock is perfect

for a tall and hunk of a guy, mattsun is a very light walker like his footsteps are very light and if he wants to, it can be practically silent

watari actually hates vegetables ajssksksk he particularly hates zucchini, eggplants, any vegetables that are that shape

kindaichi likes to stick or lean against walls because to him, they feel cold and can decrease his body heat

oikawa stands and places his feet at V position like \/ instead of ll because his sister did ballet and he was taught that was the right way of standing and it was considered graceful

yahaba has a fear of cactuses

mattsun does so badly in the heat because his body temp runs so high and the hot surroundings make him feel so uncomfortable and so he takes a lot of cold showers

iwa cannot swim like he freaks out immediately when his toetips can no longer feel the bottom and he panics with thoughts of drowning

watari has really small feet that he still buys big kids shoes to save money

kyotani considered playing baseball because he thought baseball bats were cool but he got angry and threw tantrum after missing his first pitch

iwa chomps on a whole raw chili while eating ramen akskksks

oikawa actually hates sweets bc when he was younger, he had cavities and iwa showed him a cartoon of cavities eating his teeth and will make him toothless

kindaichi really really likes hugs but hes too awkward to ask them even from his parents

yahaba chomps on mints so he goes through boxes of them in a week

i feel like theres a boy in the team who doesnt brush their teeth everyday and rubs a towel on their teeth to make it look clean and take mints to hide their bad breath

iwaizumi is actually iron deficient so he bruises super super fast and he even developed iron defiency anemia when he was younger bc his parents didnt catch on which caused him to be put on strong medication for months and still takes it now

WAIT,, OIKAWA IS LACTOSE INTOLERANT BUT HE LIKES MILK SO HE EATS MILK BREAD TO MAKE HIM FEEL NOT SO BAD OR GUILTY OF CONSUMING STRAIGHT DAIRY

seijoh four bonding time is watching gordom ramsey shows and yelling and screaming 'YEA! EXACTLY!' as if theyre also cooking genuises

watari used to eat grapes all the time until his mom got worried and told him if he doesnt stop, he will eventually turn into one. he only eats it every few weeks

when he was younger, kunimi cried because he had befriended a chicken on a trip to a farm and his mom took him to eat fried chicken after and he thought it was Chicky (his chicken friend :"))

kyotani used to stick out his tongue when it was raining so he could taste the raindrops. they taste better than bottled water

one time, during a seijoh sleepover, they dared oikawa to wear his sisters old uniform, skirt and all, and it backfired so everyone turned red and couldnt look at him in the face

their pregame ritual is touching each other's shoe tips

they tried doing yoga at yahaba's house before by watching yoga youtube videos but everyone ended up having to go to the chiropractor after (how did makki even turn into the human pretzel?)

the local gym gets so scared when they see the team coming through the doors bc these men are so LOUD like they HYPE EACH OTHER UP SO MUCH THEYRE SO ANNOYING AKSKSKDK

also never take them to an all you can eat sushi place. if you do, bring them earlier of the day like 30 mins after opening time so the cooks can cook enough for them without running out of ingredients (even then sometimes they still run out)

oikawa used to eat his mom's roses from her garden because he thought it would make his farts smell good like roses

takahiro is a surprisingly good artist like he draws really cool action fighting scenes in the corner of his papers and stuff

in my work: it's canon that iwa is half filo and his nanay used to dress him up in a barong all the time during halloween bc she wanted him to showcase his heritage

yahaba drinks a lot of milk because he hopes to one day grow strong and bulky like the 3rd years instead of being seen as a pretty boy

kindaichi's mom is a hairstylist and she always scolds him for using a lot of gel bc she's always the one who washes his hair

makki never learned how to do taxes and hes had the government knocking on his door a handful of times (BOKUTO AKKDJSKKS)

kyo has a dog: a chiweenie

there's someone on the team who wears those socks with individual pockets for toes

their pinterest is so different from what they look like for example, mattsun has a board of different flower decorations and arrangements

kunimi throws up during intense horror movies

watari's celeb crush is emma watson

the team alternates from different music genres like from ateez and bts to mxmtoon and beach bunny

they still dont know how to pronounce camila cabello's name

theyre all active in social media but only oikawa is on it 24/7 and in all platforms while the others have insta and snap

mattsun has twins as little siblings and he used to get them mixed up all the time that he used to draw a sharpie dot on the girl's forehead to determine she was his sister

watari hates sitting on the floor bc his butt bone hurts really easily so he can only sit on cushions for long periods of time

the team was supposed to have a party but everyone didnt know what to bring so they proved they shared the same braincell by bringing the same thing: a box of pizza

makki's an old soul and prefers to play records on a record player or watch old movies

kyo is surprisingly good at giving massages because he really pushed hard on those tense muscles

kindaichi knows how to crack necks so everyone goes to him a lot to do it (a friend of mine does this and can i say its terrifying yet so good?)

the only one who has a license is matsukawa and thats because granny needs to go to the doctor a lot and he hates her walking by herself and cabs are expensive

kyotani and yahaba are actually,,, lowkey close,,, not like best friends but theyre nice to each other and they got a stick and poke together (yahaba's was: :) while kyo's was: >:))

watari has a collection of mangas (some bl maybe 👀)

WARNING SAD: mattsun’s future job is a funeral person right? he ends up taking care of granny’s funeral free of charge and he had to take a week off because it was really painful for him

oikawa learned spanish SUPER fast to the point he forgets japanese sometimes but there are moments where he forgets both languages and hes just,,,, ???

makki’s unemployed yea but he rooms with mattsun in exchange of cooking because makki’s surprisingly good at cooking

iwa is practically the nutritionist of the team because he knows everything about proteins, carbs, iron, and needed vitamins so they all go to him to know what to eat and what they need

kunimi has lots and lots of shoes but usually only wears 2

kindaichi has a habit of pretending hes chewing gum even though he doesnt have gum, his mouth just chomps and moves with air akasldfjkf

there was a clown phenomenon in america but in their city, they had a mascots and seijoh 4 went around scaring kids :”(

oikawa never manspreads he gets too insecure to spread out like that akdjfkd

kyotani can easily sleep anywhere like he would be standing and just fall asleep or he sleeps with his eyes open

yahaba’s parents own a restaurant somewhere in the city and he works there sometimes

IM REALLY GOING TOO MUCH ABOUT THIS YALL AKSDJFKL

SORRY IM WRITING TOO MUCH I FEEL BAD THAT I HAVENT UPDATED BUT IM IN A CAR RIDE RN AND I WAS ABLE TO WRITE AGAIN AND MY EXAMS HAVE FINISHED THIS WEEK IMMA CRY

PLEASE, FEEL FREE TO REPLY WITH ANY OTHER HCS YOU GUYS KNOW OF SO I CAN PUT IT IN HERE AND CREDIT YOU WITH IT SO WE CAN HAVE LIKE A HCS BOOK FROM EVERYONE BUT THIS IS WHAT I STARTED WITH

oikawa screams a lot according to gigi but he’s actually a really quiet guy and not easy to scare

OKAY YOU GUYS DONT KILL ME I SWEAR IVE BEEN SO TERRIBLE AT WRITING BUT YOU KNOW WHO TURNED ONE TODAY? THIS PAGE!!! MY BABY IS ONE ALREADY 😭😭😭 ANYWAYS, HOPE THIS CAN MAKE YOU GUYS SMILE TODAY AND SCHOOL ENDS NEXT WEEK AND IM ALREADY AT 132 DRAFTS AMSJKSDKSK SO OH MY GOD THERES GOING TO BE SO MUCH COMING AND IM SO EXCITED TO GET THEM OUT 😩😩

[captainstarkky]

Doom at Your Service - An Appreciation Post

Before starting this lengthy post about how I love this drama, I would just like to commend the writer - Im Meari. She has done a wonderful job with this series. I am sad that Episode 10, which was supposed to be the most meaningful episode - had the lowest ratings in Korean media.  But still the whole drama as a while was a masterpiece. What can I say? It is philosophical and poetic at the same time. It entails too many meanings and it has born too many questions.

For me, the whole series is the journey to acceptance.

And Myeol Mang represents that.

When we are faced with an imminent death or destruction, our first reaction is to get angry, frustrated. That’s a normal emotional response to a bad news for humans. If you are in the right head, you will obviously cry or either space out, unable to talk for a few minutes. That is how we get frustrated, that is how we get angry.

And remember what Myul Mang said?

“No one could love me. Everyone either resent me or wants me. Or some fear me.”

It roughly translates to layterm as: ‘...everyone resents me’ (no one wants to die) “...wants me” (some wants to die)... “or some fear me.” (everyone is afraid to die)

That’s quite familiar, right? Hmmm? Now proceed.

Now there is actually a theory that talks about grief. It is a psychological construct that has been proposed to explain why people react the way they react when posed with an information they can’t accept. It is a theory of Elizabeth Ross. She called it the 5 Stages of Grief.

According to her, whenever people experience a life changing event - either death, divorce, end of relationship - a person experiences grief and to get out of that, one needs to pass through stages. It is personal and does not entail timelines and schedule - which is harder for someone who has a terminal illness.

Now, some of you might ask: Why and how did you correlate both?

Simple. Because Myeol Mang is destruction. And Tak Dongkyung is dying - she has three months to live, to be specific, she has 50 days to live as of the 10th episode. Therefore, we can say that Tak Dongkyung is currently in this five stages that I’m talking about. 

The story is all about Tak Dongkyung accepting his faith: which is her inevitable death.

By the way, a bit of a trivia, Doom at Your Service wasn’t the only drama who discussed this theory. If you are familiar with Last Romance, the story centers with the theory as well. 

There are five stages of grief as per the theory.

Denial

Denial is the stage where a person still cannot accept the fact that he/she is dying. She may be redirecting her attention elsewhere or she’s just ignoring the fact that she is.

Actually before episode 10, Tak DongKyung is still in the spectrum of denial. She doesn’t accept the fact that she’s dying. Not talking about it is the indication. She prepares to die - writes a bucketlist, clear out whatever is holding her in the world, assures her brother, etc. - but in reality, she doesn’t want to die. She is still in the process of denying the fact that she is dying.

She is basically pushing the idea of Myung Mang to the back of her mind.

That’s why, Myul Mang wants her to speak it out. He wants her to accept it with all her heart; because that’s the only way she could fully love him.

That is also the reason why the Deity told her to LOVE HIM ‘because I created them for you, humans.’

You’re not supposed to hate death and destruction. Because in the end of everything, we are doomed to end anyway. So we got to accept it. We got to love it.

Denial is probably the hardest stage to get over to because you know that there is still a lot you can do before you finally accept it out. That’s probably the reason why she stayed there for the longest time.

Anger

Anger is when you finally considers the idea of dying - but rejects it out. No one wants to die. And if we are faced with the fact, it is only natural to get angry. But to whom?

Tak Dongkyung hated Myul Mang. And she actually makes her point on this fact during the early episodes. 

She blames him for everything - for a moment.

She might’ve been thinking: why me? And honestly I don’t blame her. Out of all the 7 billion people, you are chosen to have a hundred days to live. If I was her, I would get angry too.

But a little food for the mind: Tak Dongkyung isn’t really angry at Myul Mang. She just want to blame someone for her misfortunes, for her cancer. I mean, she is still young and has a full life to live, she still has to take care of her brother and marry him off a good woman, then all of a sudden, she got cancer. All those plans ruined just because of a few words. And a cocky guy shows up outside her apartment announcing that he’s doom - etce tera, etce tera. Again, If I was her, I would be angry at Myul Mang myself.

Because anger helps us cope.

Although she’s pass that stage now, she certainly have his fair points when it comes to getting angry at our Doom.

Bargaining

Bargaining is a temporary truce. We want our life back so we tend to do everything to get it back. Even if we have to bargain with a demon or something. Some people goes back to their faith, some people risk all their possessions to their doctors. Bottomline, we want to have a chance. A fighting chance.

The second Tak Dongkyung entered the contract with Myul Mang, she already started bargaining.

She started thinking what could be her wish. Even if she never materialized them, she thought of them. So since we are talking about wishes, here are her possible wishes:

People would forget about her when she die.

Wanting to live

Happy Ending

For Myul Mang not to get hurt when she’s gone.

End of the world.

But isn’t the wish supposed to be directed to self?

No not necessarily. If you’re in the early stages of bargaining, it might be the case. But as you move to the later stages, your perspective changes and your wishes will center more on your loved ones. You will want them not to get sad when you pass; or good health for them; good fortune. And that will eventually lead you to the fourth stage - which is depression. Because you know that your wishes for them could never come true.

Depression

This is the interesting part.

What is depression? It is the feeling of immense hopelessness especially in her case that she is dying. The fact that your short life will not leave a mark and the fact that you won’t be able t see your loved ones again - that sadness - but to the greater length. To the point of you not being able to function properly in the society.

Where did the depression start? It did not even show in the whole series.

Oh no, it did.

This is the reason why this drama is for those people who can understand social cues - therefore, intelligent people. If you haven’t seen it then it’s a good time to rerun the drama on your laptops.

Tak Dongkyung has always been depressed. She wouldn’t wish the end of the world if she is not.

From the death of her parents, from the constant thoughts of being a burden to her aunt, from her missed interviews, from his brother stopping college, from her sexist boss, from her cheating ex, from her cancer. Everything is just depressing. 

But why can’t we see it?

Depression is a psychological issue. She might present herself as a happy person but there’s no guarantee that she feels the same inside.

That makes sense.

And do you know what’s the peak of her depression? The moment she knew about her sickness. 

The same day she met our handsome Myul Mang.

Acceptance

Acceptance is not necessarily a happy or uplifting stage, for it only means that you are finally in the stage where you have finally made terms with your fate. It is the stage where you’re staring to realize that ‘ah, it’s really here.’

And that, my friends, is the goal of the drama.

Tak Dongkyung who’s always scared, sad, and hated her life must accept it. She must be able to accept her fate and herself. She needs to accept Myul Mang. Her death.

And to be honest, she is making a whole lot of improvement compared to when she was on the previous episodes. She was truthfully falling for Myul Mang and it means that she’s slowly accepting her death.

We can hear her say:

“I’m not scared anymore...”

On the teaser after Episode 10. It can only mean one thing, she is a step closer to acceptance.

Tak Dongkyung’s journey to self-acceptance still is not ending. She still have a few more days.

Technically, she’ll die. But I hope she will not and she will end up with Myul Mang in the end.

With that I would like to make a point: This drama is for philosophical people.

If you cannot understand what is happening, then it’s obvious that you will not be watching it. If you want skinship and lots of cute scenes, then you can watch this - Seo In-guk and Park Bo-young serves us just enough - but you still won’t get it.

You’ll think that it’s going nowhere and eventually drop the drama because all you want is fluff and love story.

I hope it’s not like that.

Just like everyone who shares their thought and theories, breakdowns in here, let us try to read between the lines on what it really wants to tell us.

You will enjoy it, I promise.

[vemuabhi]

Amusement park Date - 1000 ch special!

Hey everyone! This is my celebration for One piece 1000 chapter!

Monster Trio + Ussop

ONE PIECE UNIVERSE

Scenarios where Character and Reader go on a date to Amusement Park on an island

special Law and Kidd Here (Clickable) 

LUFFY

I shifted again as I tried to sleep. I don’t know why I’m not able to sleep but because of my shifting I woke my dear boyfriend accidently. He murmured, “What happened Y/N? Why aren’t you sleeping?”

“Oh dear, I am sorry for waking you up Luffy. I wasn’t able to sleep so I was shifting. Sorry again”, I apologised to him and he placed his hand on one of my cheek as he said, “Don’t apologise, its ok. Are you hungry? Is your hunger making you not sleep? Trust me I’ve faced that.”

I chucked and said, “Yes love, I know you faced it but, I am not hungry. I am just not able to fall asleep.”

Luffy hummed as he closed his eyes trying to think of something but instead I could see his head getting Red as a side effect. He sighed as he opened his eyes and looked at me and added, “I have never faced any other situation, other than that…”, he said in a defeated tone making me smile at his cuteness. “But! I guess if we do this, you can sleep”, he said as he wrapped his arms around me and got very close. He had his classic beautiful smile while he cuddled me.

“I am sure you can fall asleep like this”, he said and smiled widely making me giggle. He was having the perfect temperature and had the smell of delicious Sanji’s cooking.

“This really helps. Thank you love”, I smiled and pecked his cheek as he giggled.

“Then let’s sleep, we should go out to explore the new island”, he said as he pulled me closer and continued, “And… maybe go… on a date…”, with that Luffy fell asleep. My cheeks turned pink and I smiled at how

“Yes Captain!”, I replied. We cuddled as I thought about how amazing our date would be. With the comfort Luffy was giving in his warm hug, it was all I needed for falling asleep peacefully.

As for the date, we both got on different types of rides mostly the scary ones and didn’t even miss one single food stall. Luffy stopped at every single food stall as he wanted to eat all food items available. I was also keeping company to Luffy as he ate.

Suddenly Luffy stretched his neck and came closer to me. I gulped at the sudden closeness. It was a surprise and my heart started beating faster.

“Y/N… you”, Luffy said as I blinked and continued, “Have food on your face”, with this he leaned in and pecked my cheek dangerously close to my lips, where the food was and said, “We don’t want that to waste right”.

‘Oh god Save me’, I thought as covered my flushed face…

After a while I came across a small competition where people were arm wrestling. As I looked at it, I felt a chill run down my spine with excitement. Luffy was still busy stuffing his mouth with food in a stall few meters away.

“Luffy! Come here”, I call Luffy and he stretched and came to my side in a second.

“Will you participate in it”, I asked Luffy as I pointed at the competition.

“Woah! Seems fun!”, Luffy Exclaimed as he jumped onto the stage. There stood a huge guy who couldn’t be beaten up till now as he faced Luffy. According to now, he should be defeated in order to win the competition.

The jerk smirked as Luffy sat in the opposite side of his. He was underestimating Luffy and I really hated that. I know Luffy wouldn’t lose but I still shouted, “LUFFY! WIN! YOU CAN WIN”, luffy smirked and I succeeded in making sure everyone in the place heard it and even draw attention to the place. Everyone’s eyes were on the match as both contestants sat opposite to each other.

“Osu!”, Luffy said as he positioned his arm, and in one swift move, my Luffy got the opponents arm down with a bonus of crashing the jerks complete body to the hard floor of the stage, even making the floor break.

Seeing the scene in front of me, I jumped up the stage and hugged Luffy as he returned my hug and complained, “It wasn’t that hard… boo”, he pouted like a child and I chuckled looking at his face.

We got the trophy and were enjoying so much but in the end….. Luffy accidentally broke one of the rides and we both ran from that scene with the rest of the crew. Anyhow that was sure one hell of a date and I loved it!

ZORO

Me and my boyfriend Zoro, go on a date to the amusement park which was pretty famous for the island we stopped on. We also wanted a break from the crew and spend some quality time together.

We both split from the crew and go for some rides. We enjoyed the roller coaster and did window shopping. Zoro won so many games and got prizes. But we purposely avoided the shooting games because we didn’t want to bump in with the crew now.

“Woah! This is amazing Zoro. You won so many things. Im so proud of you.”, I praised him and all he did was to grunt. Well he is happy and I can feel it.

I smiled at him as he bought me a snack. We both were looking at the stalls as we ate it. Then I saw a cute Lama in a claw machine.

“Awww look at that cute Lama. Can you win it Zoro?”, I pleaded my boyfriend as I gave him puppy eyes.

“Huff… you are such a trouble. Now tell me what you want”, he said as he grinned looking at the claw machine. I grinned as I showed him the Lama which I wanted.

Then… Zoro for the first time in being in the amusement park… lost.

After some time

“Babe stop! Its fine if we don’t get it”, I tell my boyfriend as he tries for the 7th time to win the Lama plushie that I liked.

“No way! Ill win that stupid thing for you!”, Zoro grunted as he lost for the 7th time.

“I really appreciate it Zoro but we are spending all of our money on this claw machine. We still need to see all the other stalls”, I tried to convince him but he wasn’t listening.

Zoro inserted the coin in the machine and got the 8th loss. He was emitting violet and black fumes. He wasn’t going to give up that easily… even after the 22nd time of losing. He was barely keeping his swords away from cutting down the machine. I huffed as I look at my man who is really pissed now. I gently place my hand on his shoulder and say, “Babe… think of it all as your experience. Now use all of it in this game. I am sure you’ll win it this time.”

Zoro took a deep breath and closed his eye. He stayed still for couple of seconds and opened his eye as he got back to the machine. He looked sharply at the Lama plushie and took the handle and pushed it back and froth as he aligned it to the Lama.

“I’m going to get the stupid toy that you liked at all costs”, with this he hit the red button which enabled the Grip for the toy.

As everyone says… 23rd time is the charm, Zoro won the plushie at last!! I was too exited so I just jumped and wrapped my arms around his neck. Zoro took the toy and gave it to me.

“Trust me Zoro, this is the best gift ever because it represents all your hard work and passion of yours.”, I said as I kissed his lips. He blushed and huffed as he said, “Of..of course I said I’d win for you. There is no way I would lose to this dumb game.” He said as he happily took my hand and started to walk away from the machine.

We see Sanji coming towards us. “Hey Sanji! Look at this Lama, Zoro won it for me!”, I proudly showed my plushie to him as he smiled back at me.

“That’s so good! Well done Marimo! So you too can be nice to your lover”, Sanji said as he went towards the machine.

“I don’t need to hear it from you, love cook. So you trying to win huh”, Zoro stayed still looking at Sanji.

“I… I do want to get some toys”, Sanji replied as he played the machine and also… got the stuff toy in the… First try. He inserted the second coin and played as he won… the second time. I was watching Sanji awestruck I didn’t realise Zoro let go of my hand. Then the third win and during the fourth time Sanji won two toys at the same time.

“Woah! See two at a time!”, he said as he walked towards us and gave me a toy and said, “I need to give Nami san and Robin chan also… So I’ll go now”, Sanji said.

“Wait Sanji!”, I stopped Sanji and asked, “How… did you win in a row?”

To which he smiled and said, “Ah! About that… there is a hack where we push the button two times, we will definitely get the toy. Well technically I didn’t say I wanted to win, I just wanted get the toy”, with that he left.

“Babe did you hear”, I turned my head to my side and Zoro wasn’t there. Then I heard, “ONI-”, I looked in the direction and it was too late to stop Zoro, as I saw my man give one blow to the machine, “-GIRI”, making it cut into pieces.

“Zoro…”, I managed to say and then the red lights started to blink with a sound coming from the machine.

“DIE YOU MACHINE! DIE!!!”, Zoro yelled at the machine as I took his arm and started to run away with my plushies held tightly in other hand. Zoro held my hand and with the other he held the bag of items he won in the games. We were being chased by many people and it was a mess but after we escaped and reached the ship, we both laughed at the situation.

XOXO

“Here you go”, said Sanji as he crouched down and handed the third plushie to the little raindeer.

“Ahh! Giving me this doesn’t make me happy you asshole”, Said the doctor as he did his happy dance making Sanji smile at him warmly.

SANJI

“HEY! OVER HERE!”, Sanji waved seeing me as I went towards the amusement park. We agreed to meet here for today’s date. Sanji wore a blue Hawaiian shirt and grey knee length shorts. It was a sunny island and was really warm. Sanji looked so different in this attire from his usual Dress shirt and coat. Not gonna lie he can pull off any type of outfit.

“Y/N! You look so cute!”, he cooed with a wide grin on his face. ‘Agh! I was supposed to compliment him first’, I scolded myself.

“Thankyou… you… you look handsome too”, I managed to let it out in a soft low voice but still he heard it. His eyes widened as his lips parted and his face flushed.

“Thankyou Y/N chan”, he thanked and offered me his hand. I smiled and took his hand as we both headed into the amusement park together. Sanji not once swooned over any other girl from the moment we both held hands.

We both shopped and took some photos together. We both got on slow and romantic rides as it was more romantic. We both played many games and Sanji trying to impress me, as if he hadn’t already done that, won all the games. I mean we were told to leave because he was way too good.

In the way I saw a Horror House. ‘Woah! Did I just get excited?!’, I stop Sanji from walking further and asked, “Sanji, can we go there please”, I pointed towards the Horror house.

Sanji looked at it and smirked as he said, “Yeah why not! Seems fun”. He seemed more excited than I was. Maybe it was because he was also missing the thrill. We walked quickly towards the horror house still my hand in his.

We go into the horror house with excitement. We go in and see some jump scares here and there… not very scary yet… there we go to a room filled with mirrors.

Then suddenly a man in clown costume comes into the room and the mirrors made reflections of him. This took me by surprise and I screamed as I hugged Sanji. He rubbed soothing circles on my back as he hugged me back instantly.

“Don’t get too close! She is scared now because of you”, he started to lecture the clown dressed man as he still hugged me and we left the room. ‘Well I know it’s a place to get scared but… he was so cute when he scolded that person because I was scared. Poor man… just did his job though’, I thought as I still hugged Sanji and explored the house more.

Whenever I got scared he turned his protective mode on and lectured the actors. They were too scared to say anything back and ran away from where they came from. Which never I guess never happened in this horror house before.

We both completed our turn and I was still feeling the adrenaline in my veins. That was actually a very scary horror house I’ve seen. I look at Sanji who was blushing and smiling. He asked, “Are you ok now Y/N?”

“Yeah… it was scary… though I guess you didn’t have much fun”, I said as I hung my head low. He placed his slender fingers on my chin and lifted my head up to face his. He smiled warmly at me and said, “It wasn’t scary to me but, I did love how you held me close to you and how you relied on me when you were scared.”, he said and I blushed. Then I noticed, we were in the same position even now and my blush even grew more. Yet…. I still didn’t want to let him go. I still held him close and I said, “Thankyou… Sanji”, with that he came closer and made our foreheads touch.

“I love you Y/N”, Sanji declared suddenly. His face was so close to mine and I could see the nervousness in his eyes.

“I love you too, you don’t have to be so nervous every time you say it”, I chuckled and he giggle. He pecked my nose and pulled back. He started to sway my hand as he indicated to continue the date. I obliged and we went to another game. ‘What did I even do to deserve him’, I thought as we continued our date.

USSOP

“Agh!! Ussop! C’mon! lets go. It’s a good day, we are on an island with theme park… I want to go on a date”, I nagged at my boyfriend who was in middle of making a new invention.

“Oh… ok then, lets go!”, Ussop says as he got up.

“That’s my baby”, I praise him as I ruffled his hair and he blushed ‘cause I called him Baby.

We both started to head to the theme park with hands linked. He was blushing the complete time. ‘Could he be anymore cuter?’, I thought as I enjoyed looking at my shy boyfriend.

“Ussop, lets eat something”, I turned to see my boyfriend who was already drooling at the sight of all the food stalls. He is a foodie and eats a lot, just… cant be compared to Luffy but he has potential.

“YES PLEASE!”, he said as he went to the stalls to eat. I chuckled when he just shoved a burger down his throat, but my smile was replaced by worry when he choked on it.

“BAKA USSOP! DON’T WORRY ME LIKE THAT!”, I scold him as he chugged down the water I handed him.

“….Sorry Y/N”, he apologises with puppy dog eyes of his which are hard to stay mad at. I huff and accept his apology. I took his hand in mine and dragged him to a scary ride.

“Wait.. Y/N…”, he said as I looked at him and see him placing his free hand on his chest and continued, “I think I’m getting the disease “Shouldn’t get on that ride” help me.” He even fake coughed and swayed back and forth to make it more dramatic. “Like I’d believe that… but keep up the acting. Good job”, I say as he dejectedly follows me while I drag him to the ride.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! SAVE MEEEEEE!!!!! I’M GONNA DIEEEEEEEEE!!!!!”, Ussop Yelled the complete ride while I yelled, “YAHOOOOOOO!!!!!! THISSSS IS CRAZYYYYYY!! I LOVE ITTTT!!!”

We both got down the ride as I beamed with happiness and said, “It was so much fun!”

I got no response from my boyfriend so I turned to look at him. He had this dark aura surrounding him. He even was mumbling something which wasn’t… a language I know. It even felt like his soul was leaving his body.

“Ussop… you okay dude?”, I ask him as I crouch down and hug him.

“I am surprised I’m even alive”, he said and returned my hug. He was acting so cute by snuggling against my neck, making me chuckle.

“No way that could kill you”, I place one hand under his arm and other on his waist and pull him up. He looks at me with his glossy eyes making my heart skip a beat.

“Ok ok ok… no more scary rides. I got it. So… lets go and play some games”, I suggest for which he happily nods.

We both go to the game stalls and I saw a shooting game. I stop in my tracks making Ussop to bump into me because he was walking behind me.

“Ouch! What happened Y/N? Why did you stop?”, he asked as I looks at the game I pointed. We both smirked as we looked at each other and headed towards it. Ussop takes a gun and starts to shoot perfectly and wins continuous prizes making me happy.

Suddenly I get a thought of getting a prize for him. So I place my hand on the gun and give coins to the person who was in in charge and take position. I fire the gun but it misses and again and again…. It was making my heart crush but I still wanted to win.

Looking at my sad face Ussop couldn’t help but step in. He gracefully placed his arms on the gun and pointed it to the target. We were in a position where he was basically back hugging me. It’s always me initiating hugs and kisses. So… this made me blush so hard. I was basically a tomato in Ussop’s arms. He pulls the trigger and shoots the target with ease, making me win for the first time.

I smile widely as I notice it. It was his doing but… it made me so happy.

“Y/N Look! You shot the target”, he says as he looks at my face. He notices how red my face was and how close we both were. This makes him blush hard. He slowly lets go of me. The man in charge of the game comes towards us and hands me the prize. He witnessed the moment and was also blushing.

I took the prize and handed it to my boyfriend but I hung my head low. I was too embarrassed to face him while I give it. He takes it with his shaky hands indicating he was also very nervous. I build up my courage, take his hand and start to walk with him to another game.

Ussop was very quiet but then he suddenly says, “I love you Y/N”, making me stop in my tracks. My heart beat increased. I turned around, looked at him and replied, “I love you too Ussop”.

We both smiled at each other and continued walking side by side with our hands linked. ‘Definitely the best date till now’, I thought as we walked back to the ship with lots of toys and prizes.

special Law and Kidd Here (Clickable)

I hope you all liked it! please like, reblog and comment! sorry for any mistakes

[ironwoman18]

Garvez Moments Part 11

Chapter 11: Hurricane Andrew

“Where is Luke?!” asked Penelope in between contractions “he promised to be here when our baby arrives”

“He’s still in Florida” said Max “there’s a hurricane”

24 hours earlier

“Ok I will order the food while you pick the movie” said Penelope from the couch and with a big baby bump. Her doctor was worry because she developed a high risk pregnancy so the last month will be at home.

Luke took care of her as much as he could due to his job, and when he cannot, Max and her sisters helped. The art teacher and now member of the Smithsonian’s team had more free times than Luke or Spencer so she was there for the former TA of the BAU.

But this last week Luke asked for a few days off to watch over her. And now they will have a relaxing Tuesday afternoon.

“Sounds perfect, I think I will pick a nice movie so Andrew learn what he should be watching”

Penelope rolled her eyes “you mean Richard? Because that will be his name” they decided to know the gender of their baby so they could have the perfect bedroom for him or her.

They gave the letter to Dave and Krystal so they organized the baby shower and let them know. When the blue cupcake was revealing… the battle began.

Penelope wanted her dad’s name and Luke wanted his, so when they talked about the baby, they used the name they wanted and that started fights between them.

“Whatever… I will find the perfect movie” Luke said irritated but did not want to continue because it might put him and his beloved wife in a fight.

Penelope ordered their favorite Thai food, they had been together for a year and a half and he learned to love her food choices and she still has struggles with his, because of the meat products but respect him.

His phone started to ring “oh hell no… I told Emily I will be busy with you and I can’t answer”

“Babe… your job needs you and I’m sure a poor woman is in need because a horrible man is hurting her”

He sighed but answered “hey Emily”

“Oh hey Luke… I’m soo sorry, I know you asked me for a few days off and I know Penelope needs to be in bed for the rest of the ninth month but I really need you here”

“Why? You have JJ, Spencer, Dave, Tara and Matt”

“Actually Matt is sick and JJ sons are sick and Will is in New Orleans” he sighed “and Tara is visiting her father… So I will need you”

“Ok I will be there in a few minutes” he said and hung up “I will ask Max if she can come here while I’m out”

“It’s ok honey. I will call her while you are getting ready” he nodded and kissed his cheek then she got out her phone and call Spencer’s wife. They talked for a while. And Max accepted to be there in ten minutes.

When Luke was ready, he walked out of their room “did you talk to Max?”

“Yes, she accepted to come. It will take her some minutes to be here so you can go to catch the bad boys” she smiled at him “Call me please” he nodded and leaned in to kiss her.

“I love you”

“I love you too” he smiled and left the house.

Present day

“A hurricane?!” almost screamed Penelope “I shouldn’t let him go!” she said a little frustrated.

“I know the feeling, I’m worry about Spence too but we have to wait” said Max holding her hand “trust him, he will be here as soon as he can”

15 hours earlier

“Ok so the unsub is killing black men?” Luke asked and the policeman nodded,

“They are all in good shape and they are young, maybe in their 20s or 30s” commented him “according to the forensic doctor he killed this men with a knife”

“And when did this start?” asked Spencer.

“Two weeks ago”

Spencer’s brain started to work; if you paid close attention to the boy genius you could see and hear it working. He looked at his coworker and the policeman “the hurricane started two weeks ago according to the weather channel”

Luke started to realize what his partner meant “you think this man is doing this because of the hurricanes?”

“In the past the Aztecs, Greeks, Romans, Egyptians and Incas thought that there was a god that can control weather. So to ask for their good will they used sacrifices to please him. Maybe this man thinks he’s doing the same”

“Maybe it’s time to give the profile” he said looking at the dead man in front of them.

They said that the unsub could be a man in his 20s or 30s, he could be in good shape and very athletic like his victims. He could have polytheistic cultures knowledge and think he is saving Florida because of the sacrifices he is doing. When he realized that they are not working, he will scale and kill more people. They had to stop him sooner.

Present day.

JJ arrived at the hospital, they gave Penelope a room and they are waiting for her time to give birth. She found Max outside with her phone.

“Hey Max, thankfully Will arrived and I could come here” she said to her “where are my godson and goddaughter?”

She smiled “with their grandfather and aunt. They accepted to watch them while I was with Penelope. But now im worry. Spencer doesn’t answer and neither does Emily nor Luke”

“I called Ashley, you know the new TA and she said they were having trouble with their phones due to the hurricane but thankfully they capture the bad guy so they are waiting for the hurricane to move away so they can return”

“Oh thank God…” said the brunette smiling “how are Henry and Michael?”

“Better… they had a cold but I always am worry with Michael especially since Henry had a convulsion when he was about Michael age”

“Oh my… but I’m happy they are better” the blonde smiled.

“I will go see Penelope, you see if you can call Ashley to ask her for them” she nodded and JJ left to talk to her female best friend.

5 hours earlier

The hurricane was getting worse and the unsub had his last victim, this time he captured a woman, younger and beautiful “I’m sure this time the gods will forgive us! I was wrong about using men” he had a crazy look in his eyes.

Before he moved his knife to her throat the team arrived. Spencer was next to Luke holding his gun. He could not help but went to the field to help. He looked at the knife; it was clearly a sacrificial one.

“Back off! I have to save us with this sacrifice!” said him holding the knife.

“Enrique Diaz, I can’t let you kill this woman, it won’t stop the storm” said Spencer with a calm voice “she isn’t the solution”

“How do you know?”

Spencer thought quickly “Because I saw a prophecy” he said putting down the gun, playing along with the unsub “the storm will stop in 6 hours…”

“Because that’s the time a soul takes to arrive to the gods’ palace”

“No, this woman will take longer because she isn’t as pure as you think” he looked at the scared woman, she was confused but decided to remain silence “if you stop killing it will prove them you are committed to let them do their judgement”

“Their judgement?” Spencer nodded “so they won’t stop…”

“No” the man had some tears and dropped the knife. Luke immediately ran to capture the man and spencer helped the victim.

Dave and Emily were at the other door as backup if the killer got crazy.

The rest of the time they stayed at the hotel waiting for the hurricane to past that part of the city.

When it happened the team was able to fly back to Washington DC as fast as the plane could. After the plane touched the land they all left to the hospital just in time to see Luke find out his son was about to arrive into this world.

The nervousness started to run thru his veins. Will be him a good father? Will he be a good support for his wife and son?

“babe you are here” said Penelope after he walked in and sat next to her.

“Yes… I’m sorry chica… a hurricane didn’t let me to be here earlier” he said with a smile “I wish it didn’t happen so I can be here with you”

“its ok my love” she kissed him softly then the doctor started to order her to push. The all peace and love Penelope disappeared and the angry and aggressive one started to treat him to dead for leaving her almost 7 hours in labor while he was in Florida.

Luke knew this was not his chica so he ignored it, she calmed and asked for forgiveness, she was just in so much pain.

A new contraction started and the aggressive woman reappeared “New guy!! You ruined my life… I won’t have another kid with you!”

“You are doing good Penelope. One more and your baby will be here” the doctor said. The couple nodded.

A few seconds later Penelope pushed one more time and they could hear a new kind of cry, the cry of a new person in the world, the cry of their baby boy.

The nurse cleaned him and covered him with a blanked. Then they checked his weight and size.

“You did it great chica, I’m very proud of you” he kissed her forehead.

“Thank you for be here and for helping me with this” she smiled and kissed his cheek then the nurse arrived with the baby.

“Here’s your baby, does he have a name?”

They nodded and when Luke was about to talk Penelope did it first “Andrew Ricardo Alvez Garcia” she smiled and looked at the nurse who smiled and left.

“Andrew? I thought you wanted a different name”

“Yes but you sacrificed a day off to work and you are our hero so that’s your price for doing the right thing, even if that means you weren’t around for a day”

He had some tears and but smiled “I received a lot of recognitions but this is the best I ever get” he kissed his son head “hey buddy. Daddy is here” he smiled big and enjoy his time with his family.

After some more minutes he walked out of the room, all the team and some member of their families were there.

“A new baby boy joined the BAU family. Andrew Ricardo Alvez Garcia” they all smiled and hugged the new father. Kristin handed him a present for the baby and so did the rest of the team.

“You know what is curious?” said Spencer to him “I just heard that the storm we were in its path a few hours ago was named Andrew as well”

“Well my son will be a hurricane then” he laughed and hugged the family he made in the last few years. The members of the BAU were his family in DC.

OOooOOooOO

I hope you liked it. I wasn’t sure what to do exactly for this baby, I had the idea of the hurricane but didn’t want to repeat a case like the one where the unsub was building a body.

This idea of the “old gods” came to me as I was writing; I hope it’s a good M.O. and a “good” reason to kill during a hurricane.

Suggestions are open. Also my stories post season 15 are connected so in this interconnected world The Worst Third Date Ever, Our Most Wanted Date, Double dates and this one are connected and details of Maxcer and the new TA are in the first story, and the evolution of Garvez are in the rest of the stories.

[youvebeenlivingfictional]

Love Isn’t Always On Part Thirty Nine

Previous Part| Next Part | Masterlist Notes: Not Beta-Read.   Just a quick note! I’m starting school this week (aaaahhhhhhhh) so going forward I’m going to try and keep my posts as consistent as possible, but yeah. Just a heads up. I hope everyone’s doing well :) Warnings: None Summary: “... Your mom’s name was Sarah... You used to wear newspapers in your shoes... And you...”

The throbbing in my head had moved from between my temples to the base of my skull. It felt like it was pounding so hard my teeth were chattering with it. I heard ringing in my ears, then the buzzing of helicopters overhead. I groaned quietly as I opened my eyes, looking around the dingy warehouse I found myself in.

“Hey-- Hey, careful,” Steve was kneeling by my side in seconds, speaking softly, cupping my chin to keep my head from tilting, “Don’t move too fast.”

“Where are we?” I asked softly.

"We’re laying low for the time being.” “Sam alright?”

“He’s fine--”

“And you--”

“I’m in one piece, sweetheart, just hold still--”

“Where’s Bucky?” I asked, glancing around.

“He’s... In there. We’ve got his arm in a vice until we know what we’re dealing with.” The unease in Steve’s face told me he didn’t like telling me that as much as I hated hearing it, but I understood. I nodded a little bit, sighing.

“Help me up,” I said, holding a hand out to Steve. “You sure?” Steve frowned, straightening, “You don’t have to--”

“I’m not made of porcelain, Rogers, just gimme a hand.”

Steve did as I requested, pulling me off of the floor. I rested a hand on his chest to steady myself, wincing as I rolled my shoulders.

“Don’t push it,” Steve mumbled. I glanced up at him, a warning in my look, and he shook his head.

“Don’t,” He repeated more softly, “You scared the hell out of me.” I sighed, giving his hand a squeeze.

“I’m sorry,” I said quietly. Steve nodded, leaning in and pressing a kiss to my head.

“Cap!” We turned as Sam’s voice rang out across the empty garage. I followed Steve deeper inside, slowing when I saw Bucky hunched and restrained in the middle of the room.

“... Steve,” Bucky greeted.

“Which Bucky am I talking to?”

Bucky took a moment to reflect on that, but there was no bitterness there, no rage. Just calm resignation.

“... Your mom’s name was Sarah... You used to wear newspapers in your shoes... And you...” His lips had turned up into a smile as he looked from Steve to me; I was taken aback, almost. I needed a moment to reconcile this smile and ease with the man that had come after me with such ruthlessness. “You worked at Harper, Cheswick, and Lowe... Steve sketched you the first time you came over for dinner. I made ma’s sauce.” I nodded, swallowing thickly. “That’s right, Buck,” I murmured. “Can’t read that in a museum,” Steve smiled.

“Just like that we’re supposed to be cool?” Sam asked, eyes darting between us.  “What did I do?” Bucky asked, fear edging into his voice. “Enough,” Steve passed it off. If we went into it all now, Bucky would do nothing but beat himself up about it. “Oh, God, I knew this would happen. Everything HYDRA put inside me is still there. All he had to do was say the goddamn words,” Bucky mumbled. “Who was he?” I asked. “I don’t know,” Bucky said honestly. “People are dead,” Steve stressed. “Steve--” I hissed as Bucky’s head fell forward in shame; Steve pressed on: “The bombing, the setup. The doctor did all that just to get 10 minutes with you. I need you to do better than ‘I don’t know’.” Bucky was quiet for a few moments before he lifted his head again, brow furrowed. “...He -- He wanted to know about Siberia... Where I was kept... He wanted to know exactly where.” “Why would he need to know that?” I asked. The look Bucky fixed us with was almost cruel in its regret. “Because I’m not the only Winter Soldier.” It took us all a moment to let that soak in. “Look, we know it’s him, can we just,” I waved in the direction of the vice, “Can we get him out of that thing, please?” Sam shot Steve a look before they both stepped forward. The mechanism was unlocked with a few hydraulic whirs that brought the ringing in my ears back. I winced a little, turning my head away. I almost wanted to hear the helicopters again. Once Bucky was out of the vice, Steve and Sam both stepped back, giving him some space. “I looked through those files,” I started, drawing us back to the matter at hand,  “there was nothing about multiple Winter Soldiers anywhere.” “There wouldn’t be,” Bucky shook his head. “Who were they?” Steve asked. "Their most elite death squad. More kills than anyone in HYDRA history. And that was before the serum.” “They all turn out like you?” Sam asked, not even bothering to hide the slight sarcasm that seeped into his voice. "Worse,” Was Bucky’s flat answer. "The doctor, could he control them?” Steve frowned. “Enough,” Bucky conceded. "Said he wanted to see an empire fall,” Steve added.

“With these guys he could do it. They speak 30 languages, can hide in plain sight, infiltrate, assassinate, destabilize, They can take a whole country down in one night. You'd never see them coming,” Bucky admitted.

Sam gripped my arm, steering me closer to Steve and turning me away from Bucky. “This would have been a lot easier a week ago,” He murmured. “If we call Tony...,” Steve offered, but Sam waved it off. “No, he won’t believe us.” “Even if he did,” I offered. Sam nodded. “Who knows if the Accords would let him help.” “We’re on our own,” Steve surmised. Sam considered this for a few seconds. “Maybe not. I know a guy.” -- As Sam left to make his call, I edged closer to Bucky. I sat on the floor in front of him, smiling a bit as he met my eyes. “How are you here?” He asked softly. “The answer to that question has a lot of moving parts,” I laughed a little, ignoring the amplified throbbing in my head as I did, “Ones that we don’t have  time to go into right now.” Bucky hesitated before he reached out with his human hand, running his finger along my cheek. I leaned into the light touch, then turned my head, brushing my lips over the pad of his fingertip. Bucky smiled a little bit, and I felt my own smile widened. Even after all this time, that look had butterflies swirling around in my stomach. My eyes drifted down his face, over his neck where I spied a chain peaking from the under his shirt. I reached up, keeping my eyes on his the entire time. When he didn’t stop me, I slipped a finger under the chain, lifting it from under his shirt and smoothing over the engraving.  “What’s that?” Steve asked, drifting closer. “It’s your ma’s locket,” I said, keeping my eyes on Bucky, “I gave it to ‘im when he brought you to the riverbank.” Bucky looked from me to Steve, eyes soft and imploring. “Steve...What happened back there--” “That wasn’t you,” Steve shook his head. Bucky looked set to argue, but he pressed his lips together instead, lowering his eyes to his lap instead. I let go of the locket, resting my hand on his knee. “We’re going to get out of this,” I promised, “And when we do, we’re going to find a way to undo what HYDRA programmed.” “What if it can’t be undone?” Bucky’s voice was small, tired. I took his metal hand into mine, intertwining our fingers. “We’ll find a way, Buck. We always do.” Tag list: @gloryevans @redryderdesigns @winter-scolder @aactuaaltraash @secretagentben @staplerrrr @elliee1497 @adayinmymeadow  @allonszassbutt @mannls @witch-of-letters  @niallssweetheart22 @uneniffler  @rinthehufflepuff @panic-angel3314  @firstangeldragonranch @kaetastic @mcuwillbethedeathofme @skeletoresinthebasement @i-dont-know-what-im-doing-yay @kkaos15 @iamnotoverlyfondofwhatfollows  @bassclarinety @tomshelbystits @rvgrsbrns @marvelmenarebeautiful @tenaciousperfectionunknown @intricate-melody​ @stuffandstuff-stuff​ @fanfuckingtastic04 @messybunnyartist @anescapefromtheworld  @shesa-riott​ @bihoeofmanyfandoms

[agentmika]

@alwaysanoriginal thank u sm for the tag Char!!! And it’s technically after midnight so Ik it’s not ur bday anymore but happy bday again <3 sorry I took like 2 weeks to get to this lmao

RULES: Answer 30 questions and tag 20 blogs you are contractually obligated to know better.

(^ clearly I do not follow the rules because oh my God I am not tagging 20 people but I copy and pasted the rules anyway)

^^keeping what Char said however I have no shame and absolutely will tag 20 people. Don’t feel like you have to do it tho! 

Name/Nickname: Cherish, I generally don’t go by nicknames but I have had friends call me Cheroosh, Cherie, and once upon a time this douchebag in middle school tried to be way too chummy and said “cherbear.” Unfortunately I actually think this is cute but he was annoying so if anyone wants to reclaim that for me be my guest <3

Gender: female, she/her

Star sign: Taurus (I don’t follow astrology stuff but I am happy w/ this in a vague sense)

Height: 5′8″ / 172.72 cm

Time: right now?? 12:18 AM baybeee

Birthday: April 26th! It is fast approaching and I shall be 21

Favorite bands: this will be hard and far from a comprehensive list. Muse. Saint Motel. FOB. AJR. Florence and the Machine. Green Day. The Hot Sardines. Queen. The Regrettes. Uhh, this feels like a unique thing to mention here so I also still like and listen to some songs by Chameleon Circuit, a band that made music inspired by Doctor Who. 

Favorite solo artists: seconding what I said before but here we go: MIKA, Lizzo, Mitski, Hozier, Janelle Monáe, Watsky, uh Daft Punk is technically a duo but they’re not a band and I gotta mention them

Song stuck in my head: I’ll give you two. At the time of being tagged it was "Runs in the Family” by Amanda Palmer because of this amv and currently it is “What the Hell,” by Avril Lavigne because of this one

Last movie: Space Sweepers with my friend Cindy :))) It’s space found family and has a really cool universal translator thing b/c sci-fi that has sooo many languages in the film including Nigerian Pidgin!!!

Last show: in full? Wandavision. in part? I watched the first episode of the new pacrim anime :/

When did I create this blog: 2014...yes I’ll admit it I was once superwholock. 

What I post: whatever I want catered to an audience of me 😌 currently that consists of predominantly SPN renaissance posting, some more recent occasional personal sharing, the old guard, writing and poetry I like, memes, etc 

Last thing googled: not counting the cm thing so “was this song used in a movie” (trying to find if there was a site for that sort of thing)

Other blogs: I have some saved URLs but honestly I don’t have the energy to maintain multiple blogs. it’s all on main baybee!

Do I get asks: rarely but sometimes! ty to those who sent me desticule asks yesterday  <3 Ily 

Why I chose my url: as I admitted before I joined in superwholock era (tho admittedly I began spn after starting my blog im pretty sure) and I couldn’t decide upon a URL that mashed together all the things I cared about so that-one-fandom-chick was born because it was an umbrella thing

Following: uhhhhh...1695....I’ve been meaning to go through and clear this out b/c some are def defunct and I followed a bunch of new ones in the aforementioned spn renaissance

Followers: 788. I’m a relatively small blog in my corner of the internet I think? Plus tbh  like 200 of these have been since Nov 5th lmao when I turned full spn blog

Average hours of sleep: according to my Fitbit, currently 7h 8min. would prefer 8+

Lucky number: big fan of the first few multiples of 7, in particular 7, 14, and 21. I like 64 quite a bit, and thanks to my sister, also 11

Instruments: :/// I wish. I have a keyboard and took like a month of lessons as a child and have tried and failed to teach myself at least 3x. It taunts me. I will try again one day. For now I can kinda play Charlie Brown theme one hand at a time, still memorized from early childhood. 

What am I wearing: My comfy pair of pants that look like a bowling alley floor, fuzzy socks, a periodic table pun t-shirt, and a purple Comfy aka this thing for the uninitiated

Dream trip: keeping the diff versions from Char: 1. also a road trip with friends across America (preferably with a playlist including Fragments of Time - Daft Punk) 2. One of my childhood history obsessions was Pompeii. I would like to see it. 3. Literally almost anywhere outside of the US. I have not left it except for a few trips to Canada since I’m right at the border. 

Favorite food: I have very simple tastes. I love my mom’s holiday baked mac & chz w/ bacon <3

Nationality: American

Favorite song: no ♥️ (also keeping this from Char lmao) One that I always love the vibe of tho is So it Goes by Hi-Lo Jack

Last book read: :(((( this makes me sad b/c I read a lot but I’m actually in a reading drought rn b/c I got stuck on a book and I’m a completionist. Technically still reading The Immortalists by Chloe Benjamin, but soon to begin a book club with Neuromancer by William Gibson 

Top three fictional universes I’d like to live in: Star Trek PLEASE. One where magic is real, maybe the Graceling universe? Gimme a special ability and heterochromia. Tbh I haven’t thought about this much but I want space and magic so whatever gives me that. Since I’m very into superheroes and the prior statement I will also say maybe Marvel. 

Favorite color: Yellow 💛

If you actually read this all, hi ily <3 say hi :) this was an excellent way to stay up much later than I should’ve! 

andddddd taglist at the end: @fan-art-ic, @hirschco, @davidfosterwallaceandgromit, @autisticandroids, @princesshamlet, @shitun0t, @crisp-breeze, @hotgirlcastiel, @omniscientoranges, @cor-aeterna, @actually-a-hobbit, @galaxybrian, @char-arts-occasionally, @sobsicles, @spriteofwinter, @ohsweetflips, @stevebeyonce, @casthyelle, @internetcrimes, @tinyneverthelessfierce

again: this is voluntaryyyyy <3

[smutsonian]

Memoir - What You Don’t Know Series (2/6)

Pairing: Steve Rogers x Reader

Summary: remembering your past

Warning/s: flashbacks, angst, deaths, car crash, drunk driving, not proofread

Word Count: 1.9k

A/N: i added a character. im thinking of timothee chalamet as Elio. If you’ve watched Call me by your name, elio aint that young here. Y/N and Elio is in their 20s :3 this chapter is focused on what happened to y/n before she started actin up

Series Masterlist

Previous Chapter

For you, home doesn’t mean a house that you lived in so you can sleep, eat, shower, and whatnot. You always believed that a home was being with someone you love and loves you back. A home is with the person or people that you feel most safe and comfortable with. You only had two people for that matter. It used to be only one person but Steve happened. Home for you was with your father or with Steve. It doesn’t make any sense now because one is dead and one turned out to be a major asshole. 

Maybe that’s why you’re currently sitting on your father’s grave. Maybe that’s why you left New York so you can grieve to your father’s grave. Doesn’t matter if he’s dead. He’s always been there for you and you would never fail to believe that he’ll still be there for you even if he’s dead. 

You have always been a daddy’s girl. Your mother was the one who works for the family while your father is a house husband. The two of you were inseparable, always up to no good and your mother would always chastise the both of you but your father would calm her down and the three of you would just spend the time with each other. It was a picture-perfect family… Until it was not. A car accident. A fucking drunk driver. A guy stupid enough to drive a fucking car under the influence of alcohol. Your father was going to pick you up from a skating session at the ice rink but he never made it. The drunk bastard was going so fucking fast that the impact killed your father in an instant. Just like that. Just one blink and your father’s life is taken away from him. 

Your father has always been your rock but when he died, your life went to shit. Your relationship with your mom wasn’t there if your father isn’t in the picture. The two of you would only have the chance to interact because of the picnics that your father would prepare whenever your mom gets a day off from the hospital. Being a doctor takes a ton of your time, you guessed. But that’s it. You never had the chance to have a one on one with her until your father died. It didn’t end well...

[Flashback]

I can’t believe this. He’s dead. He’s really dead. Why? Why?!

“You need to save him!” you yelled at your mom but she only shook her head, eyes glassy with unshed tears.

“Y/N… He’s gone. I did my best. I want him alive as much as you do but life can be full of surprises. May it be a good one or a bad one.” She makes a move to embrace me but I slap her hands away, still not believing anything of this. Not believing the words coming out of her mouth.

“Don’t fucking talk to me like I’m one of your patients.” You hissed at her. Why isn’t she hurting like you were? Did she not care for him at all?

“Don’t talk to me like that, young lady. I’m still your mother-”

“Are you? Are you really? You never acted like one-” You couldn’t finish your sentence because of a stinging pain you felt on your right cheek. She just slapped you... 

“You don’t get to tell me that.” Her voice was raising and you could see her face contorting into an angry one.

“You don’t get to act like you're the only one here who’s affected by his death. He’s my fucking husband, for fuck’s sake. I’ve been with him longer than you have and you… You just have to fucking take those shitty ice skating classes and for what? I don’t see why he’s so keen on supporting you with that. Look what it got him. He’s fucking dead because of you and your stupid classes.” Her voice was laced with so much distaste that you almost flinched at it. She was seething and it was all directed towards you. Your mother being disgusted by you wasn’t what broke you but her words did. The idea, no. The fact that you’re the reason for your father’s death is what broke you.

You eyed your mother with surprised and guilty eyes and made a step back away from her, shaking your head as the tears escaped your eyes. Your mother’s face morphed into a guilty one and she went to reach for you but you stepped further away.

“No.” You hissed.

“Don’t fucking touch me. Don’t fucking come near me ever again. I fucking hate you!” And with that, you run out of the hospital. Leaving your parents without looking back. 

[End of the flashback]

Looking back at it now, you knew that you acted a bit out of hand and were being really selfish with your mother. You weren’t the only one who lost a family. Yeah, you lost your father but she lost her husband. She lost the guy that he fell in love with. They’ve been together for a long time and it must really suck to lose your lover. But you were a kid who’s mourning her father’s death and she definitely shouldn’t have put the blame on you. It fucked with your brain a lot. Like a lot. Having your mother tell you that you’re the reason for your father’s death deals great damage to a person. Especially a teenager.

Having your father die when you’re young also deals damage to you. You don’t know if it was your father’s death that made you crave older men’s approval or something but you know that his death gave you some kind of daddy issues. Putting yourself in situations with older men because of it, making you even more fucked up. 

Craving their approval is unhealthy and can be dangerous if you find yourself with someone who’s manipulative because they can use that to take you for granted. It doesn’t really matter anymore because every single one you dated turned out to be the same type of people. Everyone used you and threw you out after they had their fill. Every single one of them. You thought Steve would be different but that one stung like a bitch. The way he treated you like a child… Those hurtful words that he used… Maybe he’s right. If it keeps happening to you, maybe the problem is you.

Maybe you’re still that kid that liked seeing his father proud of her and the moment that you failed to do that anymore because he died… Maybe you’re just stuck at that. You’re so hung up on making your father proud that you jumped on the chance of making every single older man proud of you. Nevermind them taking you for granted. You’re too blinded by your determination to fill that empty hole inside your heart to even notice.

“Hey, graveyard neighbor!” 

Too occupied with your own thoughts, you don’t see the guy from beside your father’s grave until he calls out to you. You turned to see a young man sitting just a few feet away from you, one hand waving at you while the other was supporting his weight as he leaned back. Loose curls falling down his forehead as he smiled and nodded at you.

“I’ve never seen you around here. Though, I only ever started going here last month…” he mumbles, scratching his chin as he seems to be deep in thought.

“Is that your father?” He points towards your father’s headstone. You looked at him with a questioning look before nodding, turning your head to run your eyes over the stone. You never really got the chance to go to his funeral or to visit his grave because you ran away from your mother. You were too proud to be caught running back to her so you didn’t risk visiting your father. Come to think of it now, you’ve been really immature. You still are… According to Steve, you’re no woman. You’re just a little girl with a lot of issues.

You felt something touch your side and you were once again pulled out of your thoughts by the guy who found himself sitting beside you.

“According to your face, he seemed like a great guy.” He gives you a playful smile that you return. “He is… He was. He really was.” You nodded before hugging your knees and resting your chin on it.

“Your father?” Your voice was quiet as you pointed towards the headstone that was beside your father’s.

He nodded before standing up and slapping his father’s headstone. “Yep. The old man died last month. I always warned him about eating too much sugar but the old man never listened. Always saying shit about living what’s left of his life freely.” He chuckled before rubbing his palms on his jeans and offering you a hand.

“I’m Elio” 

You took his hands and shook it before standing up. “Y/N.” You give him a polite smile. 

“Nice to meet you, Y/N. So, how come I’ve never seen you here before?” He asked with a tilt of the head and a teasing smile. 

“I’m from New York. Just visiting here for some time.” You shrugged. How long were you even planning on staying here? You don’t really have a place here. And you for sure don’t want to see your mother. Not yet, at least.

“New York, huh? I have a small job there but I’ll be staying here for some time too. Gotta mourn my pop’s death with my ma.” He chuckles at his own words before shaking his head and poking his forehead slightly and smiling wildly at you.

“How do you feel about coffee? My treat.” He grins.

Elio seems like a fun guy to hang around with and he’s been nothing but nice. He seems about someone your age too so there’s no issue there… It can be a good distraction from real life. Having a friend sounds really nice right now and Elio has one of the friendliest smiles that you can’t help but agree to his offer to get some coffee.

Steve knew he messed up. He was so scared that you would actually leave him for real but the moment he stepped foot on your shared apartment, he felt somewhat relieved. All your things were still there. He knew you didn’t have a lot so he’s confident that you would come back. You didn’t have anyone else. He knows that you need him. He knows how you’re codependent to him. As selfish as it sounds, he’s thankful for that side of you. He’s thankful that you’re somehow messed up like that because that assures him that you’ll never leave his side. No matter how bad your fight was. You’ll come back to him. You always will.

Seconds. Hours. Days. Weeks have passed but you’re still nowhere to be found. You still haven’t come home to Steve and he’s starting to think that he may actually have done it. Where would you even go without him? Have you found another old man to cling onto? Steve knows he has no right to be mad. It’s his fault. He’s so used to being the righteous Captain America that he couldn’t believe the fact that he would be able to make a mistake. He couldn’t believe that he made a mistake with you. He just wanted to help you and be there for you but he failed. His confidence is gone and the realization hits him. You were gone and you might actually not come back. 

And it’s all his fault.