#because Stone giants were known as ‘stupid and dangerous creatures’

[keferon]

If it's not too much to ask, what would Megatron's origin be then?

Ooohhhhehe I love this one.

Megatron is Dredge, a living stone statue or stone giant. Living in the far future. Not as far as Brainstorm, but in the future.

He gets a medical degree, suffers sleepless nights before an exam, and writes poetry. The regular mechs treat him with a little wariness, but no more than that. Overt oppression of monsters is long past, thanks to the efforts of Orion and many other mechs.

Megatron has never and will never meet Orion Pax, but he can see him if he looks at illustrations in historical articles.

[thespiritofthoughts1234]

The warriors

              Hi, my name is Isabela! I live in a small town called Ocna’s Village in Romania. Actually, I was born in Italy, but I’ve moved to Romania without knowing why, ok when I moved, I was a baby so is pretty logic to not know lots of things on that young age…Eh, doesn’t matter, cause now I don’t wanna tell you my story, but I really want to discuss about Dimension F35A.

                F35A is a place where everything that appears to be unrealistic, impossible or even dumb on this planet it can happen there. Now you might ask yourselves: “How can a little girl know so much about an interdimensional world”, well I know because I WAS THERE. You know, a very long time ago it was known about a rock that once rubbed by someone, it could create a portal between dimensions. That rock was called then a “curly rock”, a natural object that can be modeled in any other form, in today’s world it can be recognized in bracelet form and you can purchase it at an affordable price… (I swear I don’t make advertisement) …not true, actually you get it from birth (not literally anyone can say that).

               This dimension was perfect for my imagination, but it comes out that…I couldn’t get there till I turned 7…okay, technically, even at that age I still could NOT go in that universe, so I took my mom’s bracelet -I know that I’m not a good role-model, but I was DESPERATE, I asked her each year on my birthday (to be more convincing), and guess what she told me…I’ll make a scheme to show you my agony: -3years=No.

                  -4years=No!

                  -5years=NO!

                  -6years=NOO!

                  -7years=NOOO!

                So, it turns out that I’ve woken up for 8 years (1 year was under warranty) at 6 am because I had a “noghtmare” (eh, eh, get it…anyway, I wanted to make a pun but I noticed that no one laughed…L-LET’S KEEP GOING).

                  Ok, so when I first got in, I saw… a party with ponies and rainbows, that is what you were thinking...well, YOU’RE WRONG, it was just an unending war with random characters, it means that Batman could fight Bambi or something like that. Anyway! I looked around, everything was a chaos, but I’ve noticed something weird, I realized that everyone in there was fighting for a purpose or covering themselves or conquering new territories, so I made up a purpose too…the most important one. The thing that actually matters is that someone must clean this mess, a person that must be good, brave, and WORTHY FOR SUPREME LOYALTY, a creature that will stop this disaster.

And that’s why I’m…going to find it, what did you think that I am the person, no, not even a word, I won’t get into those knuckleheads, they freak me out.

                So, I transformed myself into a mouse and tried to reach the closest spot to hide (a rock…t-there will be many rocks in this story). And exactly when I thought that I’m safe, a giant robot crushed me (obviously I didn’t die because after you are crushed, sliced, shot, burnt, etc. you get back to your home dimension). But a second before game over I saw an iconic red color being, with deep black eyes that penetrate souls, three fox tails, two fox ears and one fox nose, who wore a leaf that covered all of its body, and who appeared to be a little bit confused by the chaos behind him, but in the end, he still crossed the road, very chill, to resolve his problems. I scanned it to have it like “skin” in the future (Minecraft users in the public, or Standoff or PUBG, whatever) but what future, because that stupid stack of iron CRUSHED ME:

                  --Hmm, what if I turn in that thing? I did it. Ew, this leaf doesn’t work on me… therefore, I changed. I was wearing a blue vest, white shirt, black jeans and brown boots…BOOM, it’s betTEEEER! I was screaming because a giant iron sole was going to crush me again (I would give a reply but I don’t have one…OH, WAIT, it looks like we can’t STEP inside without being CRUSHED by hospitality, HA HA, I’m a horrible pun maker…BACK TO THE STORY). However, I’m talking about one second before the impact, I ran but not like a penguin, I ran like FLASH:

                    --WHAT THE…WOW, I am running with the speed of light (clearing throat), doesn’t matter, now let’s find that person…I will look over mountains and valleys, lakes and oceans, and I will be recognized like “The random girl who brought the hero of this world” … after I will visit this place with the super-speed thing. Now I think I went through 3 kingdoms -I despite no one saw me- And then I arrived on a land with a dense fog, without…(cough)…clEAn AiR:

                    --NO…I need…(COUGH)…to continue mY qUeSt-not too far away from me stand a humanoid silhouette…at least that’s what I thought…however, I started to scream, powerless: PLEASE…(COUGH)…YOU, THE STRANGER IN THE HORIZON …I’M VERY YOUNG…EVEN IF I APPEAR TO BE IN MIDDLE AGE FROM THE DISTANCE AND UNCLEAN AIR! I fainted waking up in a cave:

                  --(Clearing throat again)…Uh, where am I? I said after being a little dizzy.

                   Suddenly a sound came out of nowhere, like a growl:

                  --W-what? Who’s there? I asked scared. An animal came out of shadow, actually it was the same animal that I saw a few moments ago: You again! What do you want for appearing in those mysterious ways? the animal growled harder showing its big fangs: Uuuh, what BIG fangs you got there, buddy, ha, ha! Wait do I have fangs too?! What’s your name? No, no, no, how do your friends call you? I have many questions about…you…I was slowly going back, because the animal was slowly coming to me. Unfortunately, I reached the end of the cave: Understand that I mean no harm, although we are in the same species, no…I scanned you, didn’t I…I scanned you…and I transformed into you, I hope you don’t want to…EAT ME?! I said with a worried expression.

                    After the last phrase the humano-animal -partial human, partial animal- for a second it stopped, and then it came rapid, got its huge bloody red color claws out -literally anything is red on you? – Well in that moment I nodded and I said:

                      --N-nice…c-claws. Did you do your manicure?... the best pun that I could tell to a creature with an unpredictable behavior, oh and more than that,

before I didn’t know if she/he was furious or happy, because I was seeing just his/her dark eyes -even the gender is unknown-, and after that innocent joke its eyes changed a lot, they were yellow with a keen red iris. “OH MY GOD I’M SO DEAD!” I said to myself…BUT yes, of course, I can’t die in this dimension, yeah thank you for reminding me, I don’t need to worry…just if I bump into a particularly type of being…a being that can destroy anyone and anything…

                          Is known about an ancient legend that reveals some sort of creatures, warriors, who disintegrate everything that stays in their way, although it doesn’t exist in their dimension, it’s speculated that those legendary creatures are the most dangerous beings in the multiverse…who told me? ... Mama told me!... Ok I don’t know how those legends look, but I hope that the respective humano-animal wasn’t a part of those fighters -WAIT A SECOND I HAVEN’T NAMED THE GUY YET, hmmm…let’s see…Neferis…no, to Grecian…Falohe, no, to Hawaiian, hmmm…Do…Ba…Aaaa I know, Zentofea, why this name? I DON’T KNOW!

                      Back to the story: That Zentofea -Oh gosh, I love this name- came closer to me being just as predictable as unpredictable like before, but the Zeantofea…Zen-a-to-fe-a?... seeming to be more furious. I said quickly:

                      --WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME! the Zento- Agh- that humano-animal, appeared to attack me, …but no, he/she? Destroyed the boulder behind me to make clear way to the outside world…really nice gesture from a   wild animal…By the way, after that giant stone, there was a pasture full of cold crystal flowers - why didn’t they named them ice flowers-: WOW, I hope you wanted to do this for the first time, because you might just miss and… Ya’ know…

                       At first, the animal had a disapproving look, and then it smiled and leaved:                    

                       --Ok…anyway…I’M GOOD! Now I seriously need to find that person, the battlefield is getting dirty, and I don’t want to clean the mess…I made a few turns in the pasture…aaand then I got lost…Um…I think I should go in that way…or that way…or…that…way…uuuh, …HEEEELP! After the previous phrase a humano-animal came out of the forest near the pasture: DUDE, if I owe you, every time you appear, I’ll buy you a yacht. Then the animal came closer, showing itself not being a Zentofea, but a humano-animal with a body of a wolf, a more evolved wolf, with human head and some different sized crystals placed uniform on the fluffy chest -I should wear glasses.

                       It came and smelled me:

                       --Uuuh, are you some sort of dog? it has stopped from smelling for a second and showed his sharp fangs… sharper than Zentoffe-a’s ones -I’m still thinking how to pronounce it correctly-…anyway…of course I got scared: UUUH, GOOD BOY, GOOD BOY, SIT! He growled: WHAT, DID I OFFENDED YOU IN SOME WAY?!SAY! LOOK I DON’T KNOW WHO YOU ARE AND WHAT YOU ARE, BUT TO KNOW THAT TODAY IS MY FIRST DAY IN HERE, AND ALL THE ANIMALS ALREADY HATE ME!

                        --Get out of our territory, Zentofea!

                       --Ooooh, so it’s pronounced Zentofe-e-a, ok I noted AND HEY, HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT NAME, and did you say “OUR territory”!? after that phrase, a bunch of more humano-animals came out of the forest. Ya’ know, don’t ya’ think you have to many friends? They were slowly approaching me, I know, you think that I could’ve escaped, but the answer is NO, I couldn’t escape because I was surrounded, and I also know I could have jumped, but those animals seemed to have springs instead of legs, really now, I think they evolved from kangaroos…Siberian kangaroos. Many of those animals had an white with a little of black fur, WE C-CONTINUE: So I was there surrounded by those oversized human-headed dumb dogs, I was helpless, TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII- increase the suspense-IIIIIIIIIIIILLL … nothing happened, I’m kidding, I figure it out that:” BUT WAIT I HAVE SECRET WEAPONS TOO!”. I tried to annoy myself to get my claws out, first time it didn’t work, and then I thought about the most annoying thing for me, not even this worked because I love all the things unless the things that I hate, so I went to Karate, Judo, and putting my fingers in other one’s eyes:

                       --OUCH, WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!

                        --That’s how I know!

                        Even with my MASTER moves, I still couldn’t stop those hundreds of humano-wolves - hmm, surprising- until one bit my tail. In that moment I was angry- I took out the sharp fangs, yellow eyes with small pupil and iris, big claws, now I don’t boast myself, but I took down at least 20 wolves, ok I boast myself a little bit. Doesn’t matter because everything happened in my MIND, after that guy who I put my fingers in his eyes, another one threw a stump in my head.

                         I woke up tied up of a plank, carried by 4 human-wolves -I’ll name them later- to the chief of the tribe. They put me in a cage, still tied, with fire under the cage, very chill. The chief said:

                         --Oh, divine spirit of the frozen forest we give you this offering in exchange of a great dinner.

                         --An offering for a great dinner? Do you know that you can hunt? I mean you’re half wolves after all!

                         --GASP, who would’ve done such a shameful deed!? They looked offended.            

                        --Says the guy who is making an offering to a horse!

                         --It’s a majestic wolf!

                         --Riiight, you really aren’t good at sculpture!

                         --Oh, yes, we are, everyone is criticizing us, and why aren’t you worried, you’ll be burnt, are you a player?

                         --OF COURSE, I AM -a brilliant idea just crossed my mind- n-not…of course I am NOT a player, because I’m a destroyer undercover!

                         A sound of surprise came from tribe:

                          --Wait a second why did you smell like a Zentofea?

                          --Well, it’s a special thing that none of you heard about, it’s called perfume!

                          --Oh!

                          --A-and if you don’t untie me, I’ll destroy you ALL!

                          --But if you’re a destroyer and you can destroy us, why didn’t you destroy the rope and the cage already?

                          --Uh- OH, yeah…uh, thanks…I forgot I can… DO… that -I was pretending to concentrate to destroy the cage, but as an amazing coincidence, a thing came out of nowhere and cut the iron box and saved me…still tied up…but free…i-in a way. Uuuuh, yeah, I telepathically sent a message to a recruit to save me, good job soldier! I caressed his head, good part he was fluffy, bad part he pulled out a laser gun from his pocket and pointed it to my forehead, he had 2 guns, the other one was pointed at the public -how dangerous can be a creature with 3 feet high:

                           --Run! Said The Short One, that’s how I call him, with a deep voice.

                           --I would’ve run already, if I haven’t my legs TIED UP!

                           --A Zentofea has stronger muscle power in lower limbs!

                           --…Yes…

                           --…That means that you can rip the string that ties your legs!

                           --Ooooh! I ripped the strings and I ran… after a few seconds I stopped and I returned to The Short One.

                           --WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING, I TOLD YOU TO RUN!

                           --I won’t let you down!

                           --I’ve been here more than you so I learned a lot in my time!

                           --Ok, I trust you on this, but can I do somethin’?

                            --Yes, try to survive!

                            --…I hope I can do that!

                            Well, it appears that The Short One had a plan to escape from that situation, I don’t know how, but The Short One shot with the laser gun in a cold crystal (ice), bounced off another two cold crystals (two pieces of ice), and then to the base of a tree, that rip causing a chain reaction, putting down tree by tree, the last tree falling in front of the angry crowd:

                           --WOOOOW!

                           --COME ON, I CREATED A DIVERSION!

                           --But, wait, how did you know that tree was going to fall in front of them? I have said while I was running with The Short One.

                           --D-do you really want to know?

                           --Uh, yes?

                           --Really, no one has asked me about this for a decade!

                           --Uh, about what?

                           --Science stuff…oh my God…I’m…so…excited…(clears throat) ok I’ll tell you…GASP, first time I calculated the area between the laser gun and the target, and then I’ve calculated the variables- he continued talking until I realized that we both have stop from running.

                           --Uh, dude ya know…an entire squad of human-wolves with six packs is like…following us!

                           --…And then I measured…

                           --…Uh, maaan?

                           --…But the distance was equal with…

                           --I beg you to stop!

                           --…So, I created a way to…

                           --Sigh, who am I kidding? I took him by the arm and jumped in a tree.

                           --…Although if I would’ve taken the theory…

                           --CAN YOU KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT…please? I put my hand to his mouth and I pointed to the tribe that passed us.

                             --Oh, yeah, I-I’m sorry!

                             --Look, man, I understand your excitement, I think you’re a little lonely here by your independent character, but can ya wait until we get rid of this dorks?        

                             --Yeah, I know, and by the way I’m a girl!

                             --You are a girl, but how do you have such a deep voice? SHE took her mask off!

                             --It’s a changing voice device, dear!  

                             --Oh. My. Goodness. YOU ARE SO CUTE! I think she was the cutest specie of humano-animal that I’ve ever met in my life. I hugged her… SHE WAS FLUFFY!

                             --Look, that’s why I’m always wearing a mask…ok, this and other 3 reasons!

                             --Daaww, why, like someone would really attack you?

                             --Yes, many would attack me, players, qualified and unqualified hunters, maybe…MY OWN ENEMIES!?

                             --Aaww, but wait, you have enemies?

                             --Yes!

                             --Why?

                             --Because of my high intelligence!

                             --Really, well, that means that you have common enemies with many of your species.

                             --Meh, not really, I’m a very rare case, usually creatures in my species are…

                             --Let me guess, dumb, goofy, jerks, but with no reason?  

                             --I wanted to say idiots, but your description is much more extensive.

                             --I know how it feels, I mean a lot of people from my species are like that!

                             --Zentofea?

                             --No, humans…but I have one question, how does everybody know about this name? I named that creature!

                             --Uh, no, it has been named like that since forever!    

                             --How?...

                             --Look, stop asking useless questions and care about your purpose!

                             --My purpose…OH YEAH, MY PURPOSE, I FORGOT ABOUT IT!

                             --How can you forget your own objective?

                             --My PURPOSE…is that an ocean? I’d said while I was exiting the forest.

                             --Yes, the terrestrial space from this planet is predominant in isles and archipelagos!

                             --DAMN IT, how am I going to cross the ocean now?

                             --But why do you want to cross it? Do you need to cover a territory?

                             --No…

                             --Do you want to conquer a territory?

                             --…No…

                             --Then why do you want to cross the ocean?

                             --I want to change the world!

                             --Wait, you want to change the world…alone?

                             --Nope, that’s why I’m looking for a person to help me!

                             --Wow, really…wow, you’re the first person who said that! Hey, HEY, what are you doing? I took off my boots, I rolled up my jeans and I tried to run above the water, for 3 seconds I really have run above the water, and then I began to sink. I swam back to the beach.

                              --So, do you wanna tell me…where…the heck…were you thinking?

                              --I thought that I could run on water.

                              --Kiddo, if in your dimension exists some force who keep things together, however are you calling…

                              --Gravity…

                              --I knew about that name, I’m a genius, I just wanted to clarify that you know what I’m talking about…What I wanted to say, is that, the respective force exists in this universe too, but it acts with a different attraction.

                              --Aha, so what other idea do you have?

                              --Hmmm, first, you still didn’t answer the previous question!

                              --Well, I think the person might be after the ocean!

                            --Do you think that this motivation is certain, I mean isn’t assuming an attempt to know something that can be inexistent, do you really think, in this life anything can have a scope, don’t you think that life is an illusion meant to prepare us of everything what can be beyond the bars of reality?

                              I remained without words:

                              --I made this up 10 seconds ago, what’s so hard to understand?

                              --No, no…I-I understood!

                              --Then why are you doing this!

                              --Um, I don’t know…I think I just needed an adventure!

                              --Then why did you choose to change this world?

                              --I don’t kn-…YOU KNOW WHAT, leave me alone with those weird questions, you’ll provoke me an existential crisis!

                ��             --Ok!

                              --I just wanted to know How. Can. I. Cross. THE DAMN OCEAN?  

                              --Stay chill kid, I’ve got this! She took out a thing from her pocket and she blew in it, then a 45 feet animal came out of water and it wasn’t a blue whale. A little help from a seahorse!

                               --You can’t put the words “seahorse” and “little” referring to that thing!

                               --Oh, yes, I can. Player, say hi to Rudolf!

                               --RUDOLF? WHAT ARE YOU…SANTA…THE BARBARIAN!?

                               --Not really. Rudolf, say hello to the player! He said hello…i-in his language.

                               --Yep, I’m clearly going to make a raAAF- the monster picked me and sank into the water!

                               --Bye, bye, bon voyage through the ocean!

                               The monster took me to a temple under the water. In temple:

                                --COUGH…when I said to cross the ocean I DIDN’T MEAN UNDER WATER! All the torches in the room blew up.

                                --Greetings, my dear child! Said an old lady when she appeared from nowhere in front of my face.

                                --HOLY SHAMALAMA…sigh…ma’am I think you have the wrong person!

                                --No, no, that’s how I tell to the visitors!

                                --Ooo, so, you have tourists…riiight!

                                --No, every new player comes to me for the closet! She showed me like a Chinese closet -I made a redundancy, everything is made in China.

                                 --Closet, do you have problems with the furniture?

                                 --No, they get in it!

                                 --So…you kidnap kids... I’m calling the police!

                                 --No, you didn’t understand, it will be worth, plus is no police station in the middle of the ocean!

                                 --You’re the creepiest person I’ve ever met in my life!

                                 --Many people say that! Now, come on, it doesn’t bite!

                                 --At least I got rid of a fear! I got in the closet, immediately after I got in, I remained unconscious and I woke up in another world.

                                 I’ve heard a girly voice:

                                 --WARM WELCOME TO THE DIMENSION OF THOUGHTS! Said a grey colored skin girl with black clothes and amber colored eyes. And I’m the Spirit of Thoughts!

                                 --AAAAA!

                                 --Hmm, I thought that a Zentofea wouldn’t fear of literally everyone who says hello!

                                 --How did you know about that…AND MORE IMPORTANT, HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOWS ABOUT THAT NAME!?

                                 --Well, first, I know what every player thinks, and second, I know about that name because I put it!

                                 --But ho-

                                 --How do I know that? Well, the answer is in the name, MY NAME, DUH!

                                 --And how did I-

                                 --And how did you name it? Ho ho, well, that’s simple kid, it’s because all of those subliminal messages that I left around the place!

                                 --If-

                                 --If I control the thoughts, why didn’t I end the war, yet? …It’s because that war shouldn’t end, it’ll declare the true leader of this world, like you said it must be a good, brave, and worthy person to clean this mess.

                                --An-

                                --And that means-

                                --Oh, will you please let me talk?

                                --Ok, go ahead!

                                --…And that means I’ll have to fight to make a little difference?

                                --Kid, I think that you will change the whole world, trust me, I don’t say this to any other player…but you have to fight for that, although it’s like the real life!

                                --Yeah…it is!

                                --…So, are you ready for your first match?

                                --Y-yes…yes, I do! Let the game begins.

[ironwoman359]

"it's my job to protect you!" And what do you think my job is?!" Prinxiety (possibly in the Mario AU if you want)

I’ll Protect You

Summary: This prompt has been sitting in my inbox for awhile now, and at last the perfect scenario has come to mind for it! For @sugarglider9603‘s Mario AU, because it always seems to cure my writer’s block, and I love it so much.

Content Warnings: Arguing, some minor cursing, injury (including head injury and a minor burn),the tiniest bit of blood, being tied up, cartoon violence, cartoon villain Deceit, kidnapping. Pairing: Prinxiety (Logicality also exists in universe and is mentioned)

Word Count: 4,615

To read more of my work in the Mario AU, check out my Sanders Sides AU Masterlist. To read more of my work in general, check out my full Fic Masterlist

Like what I do? Consider buying me a coffee! 

———

Sometimes, Roman wondered how he had managed to fall in love with somebody so stubborn. 

“I’m coming with you.”

“Absolutely not.”

“If you’re going, I’m going too!” 

Roman sighed as he turned away to pull his armor on over his regular orange tunic. There were reports of a piranha-plant attack at the edge of his kingdom;  something that ordinarily would not be too difficult to handle, but people were saying this particular piranha-plant attacking was like nothing anyone had ever seen. It was stampeding through his kingdom, and so far no one had been able to stop it. Roman had decreed that he would go confront the beast, but Virgil was adamant that he not go unless he had extra protection. 

Unfortunately, Virgil was also insisting that he be that extra protection, and Roman was having none of it. 

“I am a prince, I can order you to stay behind.” 

“Oh yeah?” Virgil countered. “Well I’m your boyfriend.” 

“What’s that got to do with anything?” 

“It’s my job to protect you, dumb-ass!” 

“And what do you think my job is then?” Roman asked, his voice rising in volume as he spun around to meet Virgil’s eyes. “I am the prince of this kingdom! It’s my job to protect everyone in it, and that includes you. So there’s now way in hell I’m letting you follow me out there to face who knows what kind of danger!”

Virgil shrank back from the outburst, and a wave of guilt instantly washed over Roman, quenching whatever flames of anger had been building in his stomach.

“Oh, I’m sorry my Stormcloud,” Roman sighed and pulled Virgil into a hug. “I didn’t mean to shout at you.” He kissed the top of Virgil’s head, and the two stayed like that for a moment, just existing in one another’s space. 

After a moment Roman shifted, cupping Virgil’s face and staring into his eyes.

“Virgil, please,” he pleaded. “I can’t let you go. It’s going to be dangerous.” 

“I know,” Virgil said softly, placing his hand over Roman’s, meeting his gaze steadily. “That’s why I won’t let you go alone.” 

Roman sighed, but he was smiling as he said “You’re not going to give up, are you?” 

“Nope.” Virgil shook his head. “Sorry.” 

“Don’t be sorry,” Roman said, and he kissed the top of Virgil’s head again. “It’s one of the things I love about you.” 

———

When the two of them reached the part of Sarasaland that had reported the disturbance, it was immediately obvious that no, this was not an ordinary piranha-plant attack. The plant in question was huge, towering higher than Roman or Virgil had ever seen, and its bulbous head was lined with yellow flower petals. Unlike most piranha-plants, it had actual limbs, and somehow the large leaves that acted as its arms also functioned as wings, allowing the creature to move about freely and wreak as much havoc as it pleased. 

“Well, this can’t get any more bizarre,” Roman commented as he and Virgil stared up at the monster flying back and forth through the town. The creature promptly opened its mouth and hacked up a massive ball of some kind of sludge. The goop splatted against a house, whose occupants had already begun to flee, and before you could even blink the structure was swallowed up by the brown muck. 

“You just had to say that, didn’t you Princey?” Virgil asked with a roll of his eyes. 

Roman was about to tease back, but then his eyes widened and he grabbed Virgil and jumped away, just as another ball of goop landed where they were standing moments before.

“You got a plan?” Virgil grunted as he pushed himself to his feet. Roman stared up at the creature, who was preparing to hack up another projectile. 

“We can’t fight it when it’s in the air,” he began, then he and Virgil leapt away from each other as the sludge ball came hurtling towards them. “We need to draw it down somehow!” Roman shouted, and he saw Virgil nod. 

“Be ready!” the plumber called, and before Roman could ask why, Virgil took off running, heading straight for the garden wall of one of the nearby houses. 

In one fluid motion, he jumped and pulled himself up on top of the wall, then used the height from the wall to leap onto the roof of the house. Roman’s eyes went wide again as he saw Virgil run along the rooftop towards the plant, and he drew his sword, preparing to strike. Virgil flew into the air and crashed into the back of the piranha-plant’s head, sending the two of them careening down to the ground.

Roman dashed forward as soon as he had an opening, slashing with his sword. The monster let out a deafening screech as the sword sliced through its vines, but Roman had little time to celebrate. The creature hacked up another mass of sludge, and this time when it connected with the ground, a smaller piranha-plant sprouted up, spitting fireballs at him. Roman rolled away, but then Virgil’s thick soled boots connected with the plant, effectively squashing it. The two shared a quick glance, an unspoken “you okay?” flashing between them before the giant piranha-plant roared again and the two turned back towards the battle. 

They traded blows with the monster for what felt like ages, but the giant plant never seemed to tire, no matter how many fireballs Virgil lobbed at it or how many strikes Roman got in with his sword. The two of them, meanwhile, were running low on stamina. Virgil was down to his last few powerups, and Roman was finding it harder and harder to keep his sword raised.

“How much punishment can this thing take?” Virgil asked, panting as he dodged another swipe of the plant’s massive head.

The creature, when grounded, seemed to attack mostly by either spitting goop or just swinging it’s bulbous head around like a club, though it also could send a tornado of air careening towards its opponents with just a swipe of its leaves. The town square they were fighting in had been reduced to a battleground of toxic sludge and stone rubble, and it was becoming more and more difficult to maneuver away from the plant’s attacks. 

“Too much!” Roman growled, before letting out a gasp and ducking, narrowly avoiding the chunk of stone that had been flying towards his head, courtesy of another tornado. Suddenly, a new sound filled the air, distinct above his own heavy breathing and the grunts and snorts of their piranha-plant foe; a sound he was all too familiar with. 

It was the sound of an airship’s propellers. 

Virgil heard it too, and he cursed under his breath as the two looked up to see Bowceit’s ship hovering above them. 

“Are you still fighting him? How haven’t you won by now?” Bowceit sounded furious, and before either Roman or Virgil could work out what he meant, the piranha-plant tilted his head upwards and let out a frustrated roar. 

“Are you KIDDING me?” Bowceit cried. “That damn plumber, I-” 

“Of course,” Roman spat through gritted teeth as Bowceit continued to scream and shout. “I should have known this was one of his tricks.”

“Roman…” Virgil’s voice was tight, on edge, and when Roman turned to look at him he saw that his love’s eyes were growing wide with panic. Roman looked back towards the airship, which was lowering rope ladders crawling with Bowceit’s minions down towards them. Roman knew what Virgil was thinking, the same thought was flashing through his own mind, though he was trying hard to ignore it. 

There’s no way we can win this. 

Roman opened his mouth to give some empty reassurance, but before he could speak he heard Bowceit shout “aim for the plumber!” followed by the bang of the airship canons. 

“Virgil!” Roman cried desperately, running towards his boyfriend and raising his sword before he had time to really think. He swung at the incoming bullet bill, knocking it out of its path straight for Virgil’s head, but the force of the missile was stronger than he’d anticipated and he cried out, his sword falling to the ground as pain exploded up his shoulder. 

“Roman!” Virgil gasped, dropping to his side.

“I’m fine, Roman grunted, though truth be told, he was not fine. He’d been pushed down to one knee, and his weapon lay on the ground next to him, useless. 

“You’re not,” Virgil protested, then shook his head as he inspected Roman’s shoulder. “That was a pretty stupid move there, Princey.” 

“It’s fine,” Roman said again, but then Virgil cried out and pushed him to the ground as another bullet bill went over their heads. Roman hissed in pain, and Virgil gave him a pointed look.

 “Okay, okay,” he conceded, between gasps for breath. “Maybe it wasn’t the…best strategic move. But I had to protect you.” Virgil’s expression softened for a moment, then they both ducked again as yet another missile from Bowceit’s airship narrowly missed the huddled pair.

“We need to get out of here,” Virgil said, trying to help Roman stand up, but Roman waved him off.

“You need to get out of here. I’d only slow you down.” 

“Are you insane?” Virgil cried. “We have to stick together.” 

“Virgil,” Roman argued, a pained look in his eyes. “It’s me he’s after, not you. Please, just go.”

“I. Am not. Leaving you,” Virgil insisted, and he hauled the prince up to his feet. He wore a fierce, determined expression, and Roman found that he was too tired to protest any further.

They turned to run, but before they could move, the piranha-plant let out an ear-splitting roar, landing in front of them with an earth-shaking thud. The two were thrown back to the ground a few feet apart from each other, and when Roman looked up he found that he was almost directly in front of the monster. It twisted back, about to unleash one final attack, and Roman braced himself for the worst. 

But instead of a rush of air or a ball of sludge, he felt warm, familiar hands grasp his shoulders, and for one split second Virgil filled his entire field of vision. Then, he was practically lifted off the ground and thrown out of the way of their enemy’s attack. He landed, rather ungracefully, at the perfect angle to see the piranha-plant’s head whip around towards Virgil. 

Roman screamed, but it was all he could do as the blow that was meant for him sent his love flying backwards. Virgil landed hard against a pile of rubble, then went still, the tiniest trickle of blood coming from his hairline. 

“Virgil!” Roman screamed again, desperately scrambling to his feet. He started to run towards his fallen partner, but a growing heat behind him made him turn and he narrowly dodged a fireball from the advancing army of Bowceit’s minions. 

Roman glanced around him as he dodged a second attack, and he grimaced. His sword was too far away to reach, and with his already injured shoulder, fighting his way through the army of enemies would not be easy. Roman glanced behind him at Virgil’s motionless form, and something in his stomach steeled. He could keep fighting. He had to, because he didn’t have any other choice. He turned back towards the swarm of Bowceit’s minions and clenched his fists. 

He started to fight, but with every swing he felt his spirits diminish more and more. Ordinarily, this many enemies wouldn’t be a problem for him, but he was already exhausted, injured, and without any form of weapon. The only thing that kept him going was the thought of Virgil laying helpless behind him, but not even that was enough to keep him from being knocked down to his hands and knees after taking out only a few enemies. 

He started to push himself to stand again, but then Bowceit’s booming voice filled his ears. 

“I really wouldn’t do that if I were you, Prince Roman.” 

Roman laughed bitterly, wiping a trickle of blood away from his freshly split lip. 

“Oh?” he asked, as he staggered to his feet. “And why is that?” 

“See for yourself,” Bowceit crooned, and something in his tone made Roman look up. When he did, he cried out and stepped forward, but Bowceit lifted a finger and the Kamek Koopa that was levitating Virgil’s limp body made a motion with their wand as if to drop him off the airship. 

Roman froze, gritting his teeth and clenching his fists, his eyes fixed on Virgil the entire time. 

“There’s a good little prince,” Bowceit chuckled. “I must say, I hadn’t expected him to be here with you. I’d rather counted on you coming to defeat old Petey Piranha by yourself, but I guess I should have known that your precious plumber wouldn’t let you go off to fight my big scary monster alone.” 

“I swear, Bowceit,” Roman growled, glaring up at his nemesis. “If you lay a finger on him…” 

“Oh, you won’t have to worry about that, my dear prince,” Bowceit said with a wicked grin. “He’ll be perfectly safe…if you cooperate.” 

Roman grit his teeth, wanting nothing more than to punch the stupid snake halfway to his castle, but even if he was strong enough to fight, he couldn’t risk Bowceit hurting Virgil. 

“Promise me,” he insisted, not wanting to give in until he ensured his love’s safety. 

“I promise,” Bowceit said, but Roman shook his head. 

“Swear to me that he won’t be harmed. Swear it on your children.” 

Bowceit sighed, rolling his eyes, but he agreed.

“I swear on my children, that if you come quietly and do as you’re told, I won’t hurt your precious little plumber.” 

Roman took a deep breath, then nodded, raising his hands in surrender. Bowceit’s minions wasted no time in swarming him, forcing his hands behind his back and wrapping ropes around his wrists before dragging him up the ladder to Bowceit’s airship. Roman kept his eyes glued on Virgil the entire time. Kamek Koopa had finally lowered him back onto the ship deck, but he was still unconscious, and a nasty lump had begun to form where he’d hit his head protecting Roman from Petey Piranha’s attack. 

He couldn’t help the tears that formed in the corners of his eyes at the sight of Virgil lying still and helpless before him. 

“Aw, don’t cry, my little prince,” Bowceit cooed, and Roman tore his gaze away from Virgil to glare at the snake. “After all, there shouldn’t be tears on one’s wedding day.”

———

Virgil woke up to the sound of raised voices and jostling bodies. His head was throbbing in time with his heartbeat, sending waves of pain across his entire body. He felt something cold and metal press up against him, and he opened his eyes just in time to see a cage door slam in his face.

“-won’t be able to breathe!” the voice shouting cried, and with a start Virgil realized it was Roman speaking, a desperate edge to his tone. “Please, you can’t, you promised you wouldn’t hurt him!” 

Virgil tried to reach for Roman’s voice, peering through the bars of his prison,  but the cage he’d been squeezed inside was so tiny he could barely move. When he shifted his weight, he felt the whole thing sway, as though it was suspended from the ceiling, and he froze.

“Roman?” he called, hating how small and helpless his voice sounded, and through the thick bars of the cage he managed to see his prince arguing with Bowceit, gesturing as emphatically as he could with his wrists tied in front of him.

“Virgil!” Roman gasped, and he moved forward, but Bowceit raised his hand and the floor underneath Virgil’s cage slid away to reveal a pit of lava. Roman froze, his eyes flicking back and forth between Virgil and the lava. 

“I promised not to hurt him,” Bowceit agreed, his voice unusuallylow and threatening, “as long as you come quietly and do as you’re told. And right now you’re dangerously close to breaking your end of the bargain.”

Roman stared desperately at Virgil, and even as panic due to his tight surroundings threatened to overtake his senses, Virgil felt a stab of anger towards Bowceit. Was no blow too low for him to take? Apparently not, as Bowceit snapped his fingers and the cage suddenly rose further into the air. Virgil yelped, his heart pounding in his chest, and he saw Roman’s eyes widen, his neck craning up in a frantic attempt to keep Virgil in his sights.

“Now, I think that puts a finishing touch on our wedding decorations, don’t you?” Bowceit asked sweetly, and Roman could only nod helplessly while Bowceit chuckled to himself.

In for four. Hold for seven. Out for eight. Just breathe, Virgil, come on, he thought, squeezing his eyes shut and wrapping his arms around himself. 

“Now that the chapel’s done, I say it’s time you got into your wedding suit, darling,” Bowceit declared, and with another snap of his fingers, the koopas dragged Roman out of the room to be changed for the ceremony. 

Virgil peeked out from under his arms to make sure he was alone, then reached into his pocket where he’d felt something squish when he’d been pushed into the cage. It was difficult to maneuver in the small space, but after a moment he managed to pull it out and examine it. 

One fire flower that had yet to be used from their battle with Petey Piranha. 

Virgil clenched the powerup in his fists, gritted his teeth, and waited. 

———

Roman tried his best to keep his head held high as he was dragged down the aisle of the wedding chapel. Even if he was being forced to do this, it didn’t have to actually mean anything. He’d never let the snake break him down completely. He could sit through whatever hell Bowceit put him through if it meant keeping Virgil safe. He glanced up at the cage hanging from the ceiling. Virgil was sitting very still, watching the wedding processional with those large brown eyes that Roman could lose himself for hours in. 

Their gazes met, and Roman forced a smile. He could do this. He could be brave, if not for himself, then for Virgil. The koopa pulling him along gave a harsh tug to the rope wrapped around his wrists and he stumbled, turning his attention back the ground…and what was waiting for him at the end of the aisle. He glared as he was positioned carefully in front of the alter. The koopa took a moment to make sure he was in just the right spot, then bent down and tied his ankles together, nodding to Bowceit when he was finished.

“You never leave anything up to chance, do you?” Roman grumbled, knowing that he was standing on a trapdoor that would send him down into Bowceit’s dungeons at the pull of a lever. 

“I’ve taken care of one nuisance already,” Bowceit replied, gesturing at Virgil above the lava pit. “But the other one is still out there. It never hurts to be prepared for yet another half-baked rescue attempt.”

“Virgil is not a nuisance,” Roman growled, leaning forward. “He’s smart and strong and brave and kind and wonderful. He’s sharper than a sword and more dazzling than the stars and he is ten times the man that you will ever be.” 

“Yes,” Bowceit growled, leaning forward as well until the two were nose to nose. He let his hand hover above the lever that Roman knew would send Virgil’s cage plummeting into the lava.“And if you wish for him to remain that way, you will read your vows.”

Roman glared at his captor, but then he glanced up at Virgil and he sighed. 

“I, Prince Roman of Sarasaland, do hereby take King Bowceit to be my lawfully wedded husband.” 

———

“I, Prince Roman of Sarasaland-”

Now. 

“- do hereby take King Bowceit-”

All of Bowceit’s attention was focused on Roman, who had begun reciting the wedding vows. 

“-to be my lawfully wedded husband.”

It was time. 

“To have and to hold-”

Virgil opened his palm, and let his body absorb the power of the fire flower he had hidden there. He wrapped his right hand around one of the bars on his cage, then stuck his left out as far as it would go. He only would have one shot with the element of surprise on his side, so he had to make it count. 

“-to…to love and to cherish-” 

Not if I have anything to say about it, bitch, Virgil thought, and he took aim. 

“-in sickness and in health-” 

Virgil fired off two shots in rapid succession. 

Roman yelped in surprise as two fireballs flew down, striking him at his wrists and ankles. The force sent him tumbling backwards, but he caught himself as the fire burned through his ropes, leaving his hands free. 

“WHAAAT?” Bowceit roared, and he spun around to see Virgil shoot off three more fireballs, two at the koopas who were rushing forward to try and grab Roman and one at Bowceit himself. “YOU PATHETIC LITTLE PLUMBER!” Bowceit roared as he dodged Virgil’s attack, and his hand flew to the release lever for his cage. “YOU HAVE DISRUPTED MY PLANS FOR THE LAST TIME!” 

“VIRGIL!” Roman screamed, rushing forward, but it was too late. 

Bowceit pulled the lever, plunging Virgil down to a fiery death. 

In theory. 

In Virgil’s time alone, he’d examined his cage as much as possible, and discovered that the floor was designed to drop away beneath him, presumably to send him to his death if Roman misbehaved. But the cage itself was anchored by a chain to a pulley system, probably so that Bowceit wouldn’t have to build a new delivery mechanism every time he felt the need to dramatically execute somebody.

While Bowceit shouted, Virgil reached up with his left hand and grabbed onto the bar that he still held in his right. When the lever was pulled and the floor dropped from under him, he was left hanging from the cage bars like a trapeze artist. 

Like a very pissed off trapeze artist. 

Virgil started swinging back and forth, building up momentum and firing a few more fireballs down towards Bowceit for good measure, though at this point Roman had the koopa king engaged in hand to hand combat that, despite Roman’s recent battle fatigue, he seemed to be winning by sheer force of will alone. 

Once Virgil had built up enough momentum, he let go of the cage at the peak of its arc, sailing over the lava pit below him and landing directly behind Bowceit. Before the snake even had time to turn around, Virgil grabbed him by the tail and spun him around, slamming him into the altar with a satisfying *thud*. 

“Virgil!” Roman cried again, but this time, it was with joy. The two rushed towards each other, practically flying into each others arms. Roman buried his face in Virgil’s neck, and suddenly he found whatever strength he had left was drained away in his relief. 

“Oh, my poor Stormcloud,” he gasped, tears pricking at the back of his eyes. “Are you alright? Are you hurt?” 

“I’m fine, Roman,” Virgil laughed, but the sound was strained, and Roman knew Virgil was just as relived as he was. “Are you…”

“I’m okay,” Roman answered, and he pressed a kiss to Virgil’s neck. “I’m okay, thanks to you, Stormcloud.” 

Virgil let out a shuddered sigh, and Roman rocked the two of them back and forth, giving them a moment to take comfort in each other. 

After a moment, Virgil drew back, and took Roman’s hands in his, carefully examining them. 

“Are your wrists-” 

“They’ll be alright,” Roman laughed, examining the slight burns on his wrist. “Though next time, maybe come up with a rescue plan that doesn’t involve shooting me with a fireflower?” 

“You’re one to talk, Mr. I’m-going-to-treat-this-bullet-bill-like-a-baseball-and-my sword-like-a-bat,” Virgil said, swatting Roman’s shoulder playfully. 

“That was deflecting an enemy projectile!” Roman insisted. “You shot me yourself.” 

Virgil laughed, and Roman’s heart was suddenly full to bursting with just how much he loved this boy. 

“Okay,” Virgil said, smirking. “Maybe it wasn’t the best strategic move.” 

Roman made an offended sound, and Virgil laughed again, but he suddenly took both of Roman’s hands in his, staring into his eyes. 

“But…I had to protect you,” he whispered, and Roman’s heart became, if possible, even fuller. 

“Thank you, my knight,” he said, leaning his forehead against Virgil’s. Virgil blushed.

“You’re welcome, my prince.” 

The two leaned closer, but before they could close the space between them, the doors to the chapel behind them burst open. 

“LISTEN HERE, YOU SNAKE-FACED BITCH-” Logan stopped dead in his tracks when he realized that Bowceit was out cold on the floor and that Roman and Virgil were standing in the middle of the room, unharmed. “Oh.” 

“Logan!” Virgil cried in delight,and Logan wasted no time in pulling his little brother into a hug.

“You’re alright,” Logan sighed, clearly relieved. “I was worried I wouldn’t make it to you in time.” 

“If it weren’t for Virgil here, you wouldn’t have,” Roman admitted. Now that the whole ordeal was over, he realized that he had come frighteningly close to actually marrying Bowceit. He shuddered, and Logan nodded sympathetically. 

“Well, I must admit that I am pleased to find that my rescuing services were, for once, not needed.” He gestured to the door. “I suggest we go, Patton will likely turn half his palace into a bakery if we do not return soon.”

Virgil laughed, and slid his hand into Roman’s as the three of them began walking back towards home. 

“I wouldn’t mind, honestly. Patton’s sweets are the best.” 

“Indeed they are,” Roman agreed. “Though I must admit I do feel bad knowing that he’s baking them because he’s worried about us.” 

“Extremely worried,” Logan agreed. “He had half a mind to come with me, but I insisted that he stayed behind for his own safety.” 

“There, you see Virgil!” Roman exclaimed. “Patton listens when his boyfriend tells him to stay home and be safe. And his boyfriend isn’t even a prince! No offense, Logan,” he hastily added, but Logan just rolled his eyes. 

“Well, it’s a good thing I don’t listen,” Virgil fired right back. “Or you’d find yourself married to Bowceit right about now, or worse.” 

“Which you wouldn’t have even been able to stop if you’d gotten killed by that bullet bill!” Roman insisted. “Or if I hadn’t agreed to marry him in the first place, you wouldn’t have been able to stop the wedding, because Bowceit would have thrown you off his airship!” 

Virgil was quiet for a moment, and Roman shook his head, trying to clear it of the memory of Virgil unconscious, lying limp and helpless to Bowceit’s whim. 

“Well then,” Virgil said, his voice soft. “It’s a good thing that I have such a lovely, brave, wonderful prince to protect me.” 

Roman smiled, and took Virgil’s other hand, turning so they were facing each other. 

“And I wouldn’t be such a brave and wonderful prince without my dark and stormy knight to protect me.” 

Virgil smiled too, and leaned up, gazing into Roman’s eyes. 

“I guess we’ll just have to protect each other then.” 

Roman leaned down and finally closed the gap between them, pressing their lips together in a long, sweet kiss. 

“I guess we will.” 

———

A/N: Oooooh, this got looong, but I really love it! I love me some good old fashioned prinxiety, and to me, one of the beautiful things about this ship is how both of them are such protective personalities, which especially is showcased in this AU, where Virgil is a hero who rescues the princes all the time, but Roman is very much a “fend for himself,” capable type of person who often doesn’t need rescuing unless a situation is drastic or unique. Very often in this AU, Roman only will back down from a fight if he has no other choice, and he NEVER likes doing it, so I really enjoyed putting him in that situation here, as well as putting Virgil in a situation where he could show his resourcefulness, while also still showing that he’s still very affected by things like Bowceit forcing him into a cramped space that heightens his anxiety. I just…I have a lot of feelings about @sugarglider9603‘s AU, alright? XD

To read more of my work in the Mario AU, check out my Sanders Sides AU Masterlist. To read more of my work in general, check out my full Fic Masterlist

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[welcometothepenumbra]

SECOND CITADEL – THE CAVES OF DISCORD

SOUND: RAIN. TRAIN ARRIVES, SLOWS TO A STOP. DOOR CLANKS OPEN.

CONDUCTOR: Ah, good evening, Traveler. And welcome… to The Penumbra. Take your seat, please, take your seat.

MUSIC: STARTS.

SOUND: DOOR CLANKS SHUT.

The junction lies just ahead, Traveler. If you’ll allow me just a moment.

SOUND: TRAIN WHISTLE.

(CHUCKLES) Well, our next stop? The Second Citadel.

SOUND: TRAIN MOVING.

What’s that? You’ve never heard of the Second Citadel, Traveler? You’re in for quite a treat, then. It’s a far-off land full of overgrown jungles and bubbling swamps, where humans and monsters battle tirelessly for a place to call their own. The knights in this land are brave and strong and… known to bicker with very little notice.

The Queen of the Second Citadel needs two brave knights right now, and she can’t have them bickering. In a village nearby lies a cave, you see, luring people in with strange noises and promises of treasure – and not a single one of them has come out alive.

SOUND: TRAIN BRAKES.

Our next stop:

SOUND: DOOR CLANKS OPEN, RAIN.

The Caves of Discord.

ALL SOUNDS: FADE OUT.

***

VOICE: Sir Angelo. (SIGHS) Please get off that table.

SIR ANGELO: Your concern is most touching, my Queen. But nothing in this world must ever stand between a knight and his sworn duty to protect his liege from– ah-HAH-ha!

SOUND: FABRIC RIPPING.

(CHUCKLES) You see that, your Majesty? Nothing behind this curtain. I’ve scared it off!

VOICE (QUEEN): What a surprise.

ANGELO: All in a day’s work for Angelo the Strong.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS.

QUEEN: Sir Angelo, I—

ANGELO: But a knight must never rest, my Queen. We must stay ever-vigilant, lest the monsters invade and infect our Second Citadel! Devious, cunning, brutal creatures, these monsters… why, there might even be one in this closet! HAH!

SOUND: BANG.

Empty? The cur has escaped!

QUEEN: Sit, Sir Angelo. Please. I would like for my war room not to be splinters by the time Sir Damien gets here.

ANGELO: Sir Damien?! You’ve called both of your greatest knights for one little monster?

QUEEN: I never said there was a monster. Now sit.

ANGELO: A monster that is not a monster… intriguing.

SOUND: CREAKING.

Well, my Queen, you don’t have anything to worry about with Sir Angelo and Sir Damien on the case. We’re the cream of the crop, they say – the most accomplished monster-slaying records in the kingdom. Tied, since the very first day of our knighthood!

QUEEN: I am fully aware, Sir Angelo; I keep a close eye on all my knights—

ANGELO: A brutally intelligent fellow, Sir Damien; the only man worthy to be both my arch rival and my closest friend.

QUEEN: That’s all very interesting, Sir Angelo, but I—

ANGELO: Of course it’s all in the spirit of manly competition, my Queen. Why, just the other day, he challenged me to fell a harpy with his bow while he wrestled its mate! Tiny little things, bows – why I’d barely even touched it and the thing just– oof!

SOUND: CRASH. THUD.

…hm, snapped.

QUEEN: (SIGHS) Must you break everything you touch?

ANGELO: But of course! Only it’s usually, um, monsters that I’m touching.

SOUND: KNOCKING.

QUEEN: Oh, that must be him. Finally. Sir Damien! You’ve kept us waiting long enough. Come in, now!

SIR CAROLINE: (THROUGH THE DOOR) I’m afraid Sir Damien couldn’t make it this morning, my Queen.

SOUND: DOOR OPENS.

But worry not, I’ve been summoned in his stead.

QUEEN: Sir—

ANGELO: Well, if it isn’t Little Miss Sir Caroline!

CAROLINE: And well, if it isn’t…

I’m sorry, who are you again?

ANGELO: Ha! Haha. I see. That’s a joke. A jest. Because you clearly know me. Because everyone knows me. Because I am the greatest knight in the Second Citadel. Which everyone, including you, knows. (LAUGHS) I am: Sir Angelo! Obviously.

CAROLINE: Oh… you must be one of the new squires, then. I can’t say I recognize you.

ANGELO: Ha ha! I see! Well done, Sir Caroline. I suppose it follows that our lady-knight would play cunning tricks, in the fashion of a lady, but do so with manly vigor, in the fashion of a knight.

CAROLINE: I don’t know whether you intended that to be a compliment or an insult, Sir Andrew, but I don’t think it’s managed either.

ANGELO: Sir Angelo! You know that my name is—

QUEEN: Knights, attention!

SOUND: FEET STOMPING.

Who do you serve?

ANGELO & CAROLINE: (SIMULTANEOUSLY) The Queen!

QUEEN: And who do you serve above her?

ANGELO & CAROLINE: (SIMULTANEOUSLY) The citizens of the Second Citadel!

QUEEN: Then start acting like it. Now.

ANGELO & CAROLINE: (SIMULTANOUSLY) Yes, my Queen.

QUEEN: That’s more like it. (SIGHS) Sir Caroline, would you please explain why you are here in Sir Damien’s stead?

CAROLINE: I’m afraid Sir Damien is being tended to in the infirmary, my Queen. He has a broken leg.

QUEEN: Broken? I wasn’t aware he was sent into battle.

CAROLINE: No battle. Sir Damien just tripped and fell down the stairs in the Tower of Two Thousand Steps. …All two thousand of them.

QUEEN: And… how did you know of this… secret meeting, then, Sir Caroline?

CAROLINE: Oh, I took the case file from his satchel after I watched him fall down all two thousand steps.

ANGELO: Broke his leg after only two thousand steps! Why, Damien’s gone soft as pudding!

CAROLINE: Indeed. I thought no more than a few bruises and a bit of motion sickness, but—

ANGELO: When you pushed him?

CAROLINE: I have no idea what you mean.

ANGELO: Hm. Very likely!

QUEEN: We’ve wasted enough time already. Lives are in danger, and I need to know that you two can cooperate. Show some respect for one another as knights. Please.

ANGELO: Yes, my Queen.

CAROLINE: Yes, my Queen.

QUEEN: Good. Now, listen. There is a cave, to the west of here…

MUSIC: STARTS.

The cave used to be an old mine, used as far back as the First Citadel, but it’s been closed up for decades. It opened up again, one month ago, seemingly by itself.

SOUND: BIRDS CHIRPING, FOREST NOISES.

CAROLINE: My God, what is that smell? Do you ever clean out that armor of yours?

ANGELO: Powerful muscles work up a powerful sweat, Sir Caroline. A manly musk comes with the territory of knighting.

QUEEN (NARRATOR): And not just opened: they say it’s come to life. Strange noises have been heard coming from within it…

CAROLINE: I’ve been a knight just as long as you have.

ANGELO: Did I imply you hadn’t? So testy! You ought to smile more, Sir Caroline.

CAROLINE: No.

QUEEN (NARRATOR): And the people, acting as people do, have done exactly as they shouldn’t: they’ve gone to investigate those noises.

ANGELO: Oh, come on, now! It will bring color to your cheeks and vigor to your spirit!

CAROLINE: Somewhere in there you’ve confused ‘smiling’ for ‘breathing,’ Sir Antwerp.

QUEEN (NARRATOR): So far, ten people have gone to investigate that cave… and not a single one among them has returned. You are to enter that cave, rescue anybody you can, and stop whatever creature, curse, or culprit is responsible for the disappearances. And remember, above all else: you are Knights of the Second Citadel. And what is your purpose?

ANGELO & CAROLINE (NARRATOR): (SIMULTANEOUSLY) To cleanse the monsters’ blight upon this land!

QUEEN (NARRATOR): And what value do we hold above all others?

ANGELO & CAROLINE (NARRATOR): (SIMULTANEOUSLY) Strength in unity, my Queen!

QUEEN (NARRATOR): Then stay unified, please. For the people’s sake… and for your own.

MUSIC: ENDS.

ANGELO: Well, aren’t we quite the sight! The strongest knight in all the land, and the only lady-knight in all the land. This should make quite a story!

CAROLINE: I don’t see why. And don’t call me a lady-knight.

ANGELO: Why not? It’s nothing to be offended by, Sir Caroline. It’s just your… you know, your specialty. I have my giant’s strength; Sir Damien has his bow; and you have your… well, your…

CAROLINE: You’ve pointed to many places just now, and I haven’t liked a single one of them. Would you mind if we get to business now? The cave is just ahead.

ANGELO: Not at all, not at all. I shall lead the charge!

CAROLINE: …Alright. Lead away.

I don’t hear any strange noises yet… you’re certain this is the correct cave, Sir Angelo?

ANGELO: Absolutely. I grew up in the village we passed on the way here; this mine was the source of many a midnight tale of ghouls and ghasts.

CAROLINE: And it was sealed then?

ANGELO: By a boulder so large even I could not move it.

Though I must say…

SOUND: PEBBLES CLINKING.

…this rubble by the cave’s mouth looks quite like the boulder I remember. The black surface, the glittering quartz beneath… whatever broke this would have to be quite powerful. Quartzite stones like this are some of the most durable in existence.

CAROLINE: You know… quite a lot about rocks.

ANGELO: Well, when you hone your form to be as hardy as stone, you develop a professional respect. Shall we continue?

CAROLINE: Carefully. I’d rather not meet whatever destroyed this stone head-on.

ANGELO: Oh, there’s nothing to fear! Just stand behind me and you’ll be…

Sir Caroline? That’s– that is not behind me…

SOUND: WATER DROPLETS, AMBIENT ECHOES.

CAROLINE: Perfectly aware. Come along, stop stalling.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS.

The cave becomes quite dark up ahead. Light your torch.

SOUND: FLAME BURNING.

We should stay close to one another. Who knows what might try to lure us—

VOICE 1: (DISTANT SCREAM)

ANGELO: A cry of distress! The shrill tones that might set the blood of any hero to a boil!

CAROLINE: Sir Angelo…

ANGELO: (CALLING) Fear not, milady! Sir Angelo the Strong rides to your rescue!

SOUND: RUNNING FOOTSTEPS.

CAROLINE: Sir Angelo! You stupid…!

SOUND: PANTING.

VOICE 1: (DISTANT) I thought I could trust you! My own brother, and all this time you’ve been scheming—!

VOICE 2: (DISTANT) Oh, don’t turn this around on me! You were going to take it all for yourself!

VOICE 1: You think you’re so innocent. Look what you’ve done to me!

ANGELO: Stop right there! Don’t do anything rash, now!

VOICE 2: You were planning to kill me from the very beginning!

VOICE 1: If I’d known who you really were then, I would have killed you years ago!

CAROLINE: Sir Angelo, do you see them?

SOUND: PUNCHING, STRUGGLING, GRUNTING.

ANGELO: There’s a boulder in the way, but from the sound of it, they must be close. Hold on, citizens!

SOUND: HEAVY CREAKING.

Sir– Angelo will– save you!

VOICES: (DYING SCREAMS)

ANGELO: No!!

CAROLINE: Sir Angelo, what is it? Sir Angelo!

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS.

ANGELO: I– well, I… Oh, dear.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS STOP.

CAROLINE: My God. They’ve… killed each other.

ANGELO: A knife through each of their hearts… brother and sister, no less.

Would it be entirely unheroic if I sat for a moment, Sir Caroline?

CAROLINE: Go. Sit. I’ll see what I can find.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS.

(QUIETLY) Let’s see… no sign of poisoning, no marks indicating a curse…

(CALLING OUT) I’m going to go ahead. Are you ready to stand, Sir Angelo?

ANGELO: Just a moment. Be careful, Sir Caroline!

ANGELO (ECHO): Just a moment. Be careful, Sir Caroline! You wouldn’t want to break a nail!

CAROLINE: What did you just sa—? …Ugh. Impossible oaf.

Let’s see… A siren of some sort might be able to draw them in, but… why would they kill each other?

ANGELO & ECHO: Have you found anything, Sir Caroline?

CAROLINE: Why don’t you get up and look for yourself?!

ANGELO & ECHO: Be careful to look where you’re going, now!

CAROLINE: I know what I’m doing, Sir Angelo, and I’ve had about all I can take of your ridiculous adviiiiiiiiiiiice!

SOUND: CRUNCH, THUMP.

ANGELO: (DISTANT) Sir Caroline!

CAROLINE: You oaf! This wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t distracted me with your prattle!

ANGELO: (DISTANT) Well, that’s…

Oh, no. Oh, no no, you couldn’t possibly mean… you wouldn’t really do that, would you?

CAROLINE: Let’s just move on; it was a short fall. I should be able to find a way back up if I walk along this path down here. You stay up there and help guide me.

ANGELO (ECHO): Are you certain? You sound like you need a valiant knight to rescue you!

CAROLINE: I am a valiant knight, you imbecile!

ANGELO (ECHO): That you are, that you are… but if I may ask, Miss Caroline: why are you a knight?

CAROLINE: Why does everyone seem to think that I owe them my full history?

ANGELO (ECHO): I don’t think it’s an unreasonable question. You have a very fair face, after all, if a bit weathered.

CAROLINE: I don’t recall asking you what you thought of my face.

ANGELO (ECHO): A knight always speaks the truth, Sir Caroline. Especially when it’s so plain. And besides, it is only to make a point. You don’t need to work; you could have any lord you wanted. A duke, if you were very persistent!

CAROLINE: If you want the dukes so badly, you take them. I have work to do!

ANGELO: What would I do with a duke?

CAROLINE: Whatever your little heart desires, you… you…

(SOFTLY) My God.

ANGELO: Sir Caroline?

Sir… Car– Caroline?

CAROLINE: I think I know where all the missing people have gone, Sir Angelo. There are… bodies down here. A great many bodies.

ANGELO: You said… what? I-I must have misheard you, Sir Caroline. I don’t believe you would really… would you?

CAROLINE: What are you on about now? I said bodies! There are dead bodies down here!

ANGELO: You wouldn’t… no, a– a knight could never be so cold…

CAROLINE: You must need to clean out your ears, you oaf, because we are clearly not having the same conversation!

Damn it, are you even listening to me?

ANGELO (ECHO): Ha ha, well! Bodies, you say! I wonder why they couldn’t make it back up here?

CAROLINE: I’m checking now!

SOUND: FABRIC RUSTLING.

No curse-signs on this body, either. Something’s taken bites out of him, but they appear to be postmortem. He appears to have been stabbed with a short knife, like–

…the one being held by the body next to him. And that one killed that one… and that one killed that one…

They’re all in pairs.

ANGELO (ECHO): Well, Sir Caroline? You haven’t been bagged by the beastie, have you?

CAROLINE: Sir Angelo, do you see any bodies up there? All of the ones down here, they– appear to have killed each other!

ANGELO (ECHO): I think I would have noticed a body, Sir Caroline! Except, hol– hold on, now…

CAROLINE: Is that really possible? Even under a curse, what are the odds they would always strike each other at exactly the same moment? Unless… this one has blunt trauma to the head; a fallen stalactite beside the body, and– that one over there, too— (CALLING) Sir Angelo!

ANGELO (ECHO): (LAUGHING) Yes, my dear?

CAROLINE: Some of the bodies down here have been killed by falling rubble. Be careful! Whatever creature is in here, I’ll stake a guess that it exhausts its prey, then finishes them from above!

ANGELO (ECHO): Oh, I won’t need to be careful, Sir Caroline. I’ve found the beast. Its corpse lies at my feet as we speak.

CAROLINE: Oh! Well, that’s…

…a bit anticlimactic.

ANGELO (ECHO): You see, Sir Caroline? You ought to leave the knighting to the knights.

CAROLINE: What?!

ANGELO (ECHO): I believe you heard me. And now I believe I’ll be on my way.

CAROLINE: On your way! On your way where?

ANGELO (ECHO): Well, you’re hardly going to receive credit for a monster you didn’t kill! I have a record to uphold! And besides… it’s best if your little knight fantasy ends before you get yourself in real trouble.

CAROLINE: Get back here!

ANGELO (ECHO): Tomorrow, perhaps. Goodbye, Miss Caroline! (WHISTLES)

CAROLINE: Coward! Traitor!!

These vines had better hold my weight… Just wait until I get up there, Angelo! We’ll see who ends up in this pit!

SOUND: VINES TWISTING, CREAKING.

ANGELO (ECHO): Don’t hurt yourself!

CAROLINE: (FRUSTRATED GROWLS & GRUNTS)

ANGELO (ECHO): It’s a shame nobody’s disabused you of this illusion before, Sir Caroline. Sad, that everyone will let the little girl play pretend just because they don’t want to hurt her feelings.

CAROLINE: (PANTING) Keep talking, Angelo! The sooner I find you, the sooner I cut out that loose tongue of yours! (GROWLS)

ANGELO (ECHO): You should be mad at them, you know. I’m doing you a favor! (LAUGHS)

CAROLINE: (PANTING) There! Found you, you… traitor!

ANGELO: Traitor??

CAROLINE: Where’s the beast? I won’t let you get away with it!

ANGELO: Beast? You– you’re still really on about the… monster?

CAROLINE: You will not take credit for my work. Tell me where it is or fight me, Angelo.

SOUND: BLADE UNSHEATHING.

ANGELO: You certainly won’t have to ask me twice. En garde, Sir Caroline.

SOUND: CLANGING SWORDS, GRUNTS.

CAROLINE: Why so pale, Sir Angelo? Hah! Has your conscience caught up to you?

ANGELO: Some of us have hearts, Sir Caroline. Agh! I hope never to know which cold pit you’ve cast yours into.

CAROLINE: Oh, I’m cold-hearted, then! How very clever! Huah!

ANGELO: I don’t need to be clever, Sir Caroline. Agh! I only need to be just. AGHHH!

CAROLINE: Too quick for you, Angelo. In more ways than one.

ANGELO: I don’t joke with witches, Sir Caroline.

CAROLINE: I’m a witch, am I? That seems low even for you, Angel— OH!

SOUND: SWISH, CRUNCH. GRUNTING.

CAROLINE: That’s enough. Your sword is stuck. And mine is at your throat.

SOUND: SWORD CLANG.

Now. Tell me where the body is.

ANGELO: Precisely where you’ve left them.

CAROLINE: Precisely where… what?

SOUND: PUNCH, THUD.

CAROLINE: (PAINED GRUNT) You nearly kicked me into the pit.

ANGELO: I’ll kick harder next time. (GRUNTS)

SOUND: METAL SCRAPING.

I’d heard stories about you, Sir Caroline, about your deception, but I never thought you would be capable of something so… evil.

CAROLINE: What are you on about?

ANGELO: Dark magic from a knight!

CAROLINE: You saw something up there, didn’t you?

ANGELO: You know exactly what I saw! You said so yourself!

CAROLINE: Sir Angelo, I said nothing of the kind!

CAROLINE (ECHO): Sir Angelo, I killed them all!

CAROLINE: What? I-I didn’t say it—

ANGELO: HAH!

SOUND: SWORDS CLANG.

CAROLINE: The echoes! They’re changing what we’re saying!

CAROLINE (ECHO): The bodies! Now the treasure can be mine!

ANGELO: Such foul deeds for wealth… casting hexes on poor men and women to make them turn on one another! But I should have known. A brother and sister would never just– just kill one another. That’s how monsters behave. Not human beings.

CAROLINE: This monster wants us to fight each other!

CAROLINE (ECHO): You monster! Come fight me!

ANGELO: Aghhhhhhh!

CAROLINE: Damn you, listen to me!

CAROLINE (ECHO): Damn you, fight me!

CAROLINE: Oh, shut up, would you?

ANGELO: These mind games have gone on long enough! AHH!

SOUND: SWISH.

CAROLINE: I said listen! Arghh!

ANGELO: W-w-whoa!

SOUND: STUMBLING FOOTSTEPS.

CAROLINE: Angelo! The pit!

ANGELO: Whu– whu– whaaaaoooh… wha?? What in the world…?

CAROLINE: (STRAINING) I was just asking myself the same thing.

ANGELO: You caught me, but… why?

CAROLINE: Yes, I’ve caught you, and it only cost me a dislocated shoulder. Would you mind?

ANGELO: Of course.

SOUND: GRUNTS.

Well. At least you have some honor. Draw your sword again, Sir Caroline—

ANGELO (ECHO): Well, then you’re a fool after all! Farewell, Sir Caroline…

CAROLINE: Shhh! Listen!

ANGELO: What in the—

CAROLINE: Keep it down! If we whisper, it can’t trick us.

ANGELO: It…? The monster. It must be… I’ve figured it out! It must be manipulating our echoes!

CAROLINE: Yes, you figured it out, entirely on your own. Well done, Sir Angelo.

ANGELO: There’s no need to take a tone.

CAROLINE: I’m sorry, is there a tone more appropriate for, “Sorry you called me a witch and tried to murder me?”

ANGELO: Well, if you had been a little less pushy, none of this would have happened!

ANGELO (ECHO): Well, if you had been a little less pushy, none of this would have happened!

ANGELO: Well, that was… was that the echo or me?

CAROLINE: It may not be a good sign if we have to ask, Sir Angelo.

ANGELO: No, I… suppose not. (CHUCKLES) Well, the Queen was right all along, I suppose. She told us we had to stay unified. If only we’d listened.

CAROLINE: Yes, yes, the Queen is always right. It’s intolerable, isn’t it?

ANGELO: I find it to be sort of soothing, to be honest.

CAROLINE: Nevermind. We have to find that monster. So, you must have found bodies up here, as well?

ANGELO: Oh, dear.

CAROLINE: That’s a ‘yes,’ I suppose. They were down there in the pit, as well. And while you were reaching for your smelling salts, I was investigating. Stalactites.

ANGELO: I thought you said you were investigating the bodies?

CAROLINE: There were stalactites in the bodies. Through the brains, mostly.

ANGELO: (GAGGING)

CAROLINE: I would guess that whatever’s been manipulating our voices has been doing the same to others. Tricking them into fighting one another; then crushing the survivors. We’ll have to be careful how we approach. Quiet, now.

ANGELO: You mean that– people haven’t really just been killing one another?

CAROLINE: Well, they have, but—

ANGELO: You mean– some foul beast has cast a sonic spell upon them?!

CAROLINE: Angelo, I told you to be quiet!

ANGELO: And if a demon prays upon the weak, then I, Sir Angelo the Strong, shall slay the beast!!

ANGELO (ECHO): I, the creature of the caves, shall slay these knights!

SOUND: LOUD RUMBLING.

ANGELO: What in the world?

CAROLINE: It is an echo monster, you idiot, and now its echoes are going to kill us!

MUSIC: STARTS.

SOUND: ROCKS FALLING.

ANGELO: Look out! (GRUNTS)

CAROLINE: Sir Angelo!

CAROLINE (ECHO): (JEERING) Sir Angelo! Sir Angelo!

ANGELO: It’s alright, just some rubble. I’ve… caught it!

ANGELO (ECHO): I’ve caught you! I’ve caught you!

SOUND: MORE RUMBLING.

CAROLINE: The ceiling’s coming down! Run with me!

CAROLINE (ECHO): The ceiling’s coming down! Run back to the entrance!

ANGELO: You wish to retreat, Sir Caroline?

CAROLINE: That wasn’t me, it was the echo!

CAROLINE (ECHO): That was definitely me! It was me the whole time!

CAROLINE: Oh, shut up!

CAROLINE (ECHO): You shut up!

ANGELO: But… I haven’t said any—

Get out of the way, Sir Caroline! (GRUNTS) Well, I suppose it is leg day.

CAROLINE: Think, think! It’s taken bites out of the people who have come in here, so it must be an animal of some kind… but it won’t approach us directly.

ANGELO: Scavenger! The most cowardly of beasts!

CAROLINE: But if the creature is a scavenger, if it’s trying to trick us into killing each other, based on what we say…

Then it must be able to hear us! It must be close by! And what’s more…

Sir Angelo, I have a plan. Do you think you could catch a few more of these chunks of ceiling?

ANGELO: With my eyes closed!

CAROLINE: What about with your eyes open?

ANGELO: I’ll see what I can do.

CAROLINE: Good. Get ready to run, and follow my lead.

(SHOUTING) Sir Angelo! I think we should go left down these caves!

CAROLINE (ECHO): Sir Angelo! I think we should go left down these caves!

ANGELO: But! But! You’ve just started the mess all over again!

CAROLINE: And what a mess it will be! Quickly, to the right!

ANGELO: But I thought you said—

CAROLINE: Now!

SOUND: ROCKS CRUMBLING.

ANGELO: Another intersection! Which way, Sir Caroline?

CAROLINE: Let’s find out!

(SHOUTING) I think we should go right!

CAROLINE (ECHO): I think we should go left!

CAROLINE: Head right! Now!

ANGELO: Ha! I see! The creature is trying to lure us away from it!

ANGELO (ECHO): I see! The creature is trying to lure us towards a mountain of candy! Delicious!

ANGELO: Well, that does sound quite nice.

CAROLINE: It’s getting desperate! We must be… look! There it is!

SOUND: WHINY PANTING.

ANGELO: Well, that’s… pretty pathetic, isn’t it?

CAROLINE: It’s too quick! We’ll never catch it with the walls coming down like this!

ANGELO: Perhaps not, unless…

Sir Caroline… I think I may have an idea, now.

CAROLINE: God help us all.

ANGELO: Will you trust me to enact this… idea?

CAROLINE: Why exactly would I do that, Sir Angelo?

ANGELO: I trusted yours, didn’t I?

CAROLINE: (SIGHS) I suppose so. Fine. So long as it doesn’t get us killed.

ANGELO: Oh, no risk of that at all. In the very worst case, only I am killed.

CAROLINE: What?

ANGELO: (SHOUTING) Come back, beast! You shall not escape Sir Angelo the Strong!

CAROLINE: Quiet down!

ANGELO: (SHOUTING) What was that, Sir Caroline! I can’t possibly hear you over all this noise!

SOUND: FALLING ROCKS EVERYWHERE.

CAROLINE: Get back here! Sir Angelo!

ANGELO: (SHOUTING) With powerful muscles and powerful lungs, Sir Angelo lets not a single monster out of his sight! Give me everything you’ve got, little echo beast!

ANGELO (ECHO): Everything you’ve got! Everything you’ve got! Everything you’ve got!

CAROLINE: Sir Angelo! No! Sir Angelo!

Damn it, I have to hide!

SOUND: AVALANCHE OF FALLING ROCKS. NOISE REACHES A PEAK, THEN FADES OUT.

MUSIC: ENDS.

(COUGHING) Sir Angelo? Sir— (COUGHS) Angelo? Ugh, you fool. You damned fool; chasing after a beast, screaming his head off… and crushed beneath a pile of rocks.

Well, it’s probably what he would have wanted, at least.

SOUND: ROCKS SHIFTING.

Damn it, not again…! If you so much as poke a toe through here, echo beast, I’ll give you a beating you won’t forget!

ANGELO: (LAUGHING TRIUMPHANTLY)

SOUND: CLANK.

Ow!

CAROLINE: Sir Angelo!

ANGELO: Funny way of showing your concern, Sir Caroline. If I hadn’t been wearing my helmet, your sword would have gone clean through my skull! But enough of this tearful reunion: I have a gift for you. (GRUNTS)

SOUND: ROCKS SHIFTING.

ECHOBEAST: No, no! Let me go, let me gooo!

CAROLINE: You… caught the monster.

ANGELO: Of course! With a cursory glance as the stone ahead of us, I deduced it was of less solid stuff than the stones behind. Therefore, if I could trick the echo beast into destroying the stone—

CAROLINE: —you could trick it into pinning itself beneath the rubble. (LAUGHS) Tricking, eh? That doesn’t sound like the valiant Sir Angelo.

ECHOBEAST: Hello? Is anybody gonna talk about me?

ANGELO: Well, perhaps we’ve rubbed off on one another.

CAROLINE: Never say that again.

ECHOBEAST: Hellooo!! I’ve been caught and now I’d like a chance to say my piece, please!

ANGELO: Oh, right. Beneath the rocks it said something about forgiveness, redemption, a deeply emotional backstory, all that sort of thing. I think we ought to forgive it; it’s rather cute, don’t you think?

ECHOBEAST: Yes, thank you. Well, it all started when—

CAROLINE: It looks like a wet bat, Sir Angelo.

ANGELO: I thought it was a bit like a catfish mixed with a glum otter.

ECHOBEAST: Excuse me!!

CAROLINE: That’s… disgusting.

ANGELO: But cute, in its own soggy way.

ECHOBEAST: Excuse me! Excuuuse me! I would like to tell my story! Now!

CAROLINE: Fine. You have one sentence to convince me you should live. Go.

ECHOBEAST: Just one…! Oh– oh no, that didn’t count! Uh, well, you see, brave and loyal knights, I am very sorry for what I did, but you see, I did it because I was lonely, and I—

SOUND: GRUNT, GAGGING.

ANGELO: Sir Caroline! You didn’t let it finish its sentence!

CAROLINE: I’ve no time for run-ons.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS.

ANGELO: Well! So much for… um, forgiveness. (HUP HUP HUPS) But you are quite the knight, Sir Caroline. You’ve really impressed me today, you know.

CAROLINE: Have I.

ANGELO: A thoroughly masculine force runs through you, Sir Caroline; you are as good a knight as any man.

CAROLINE: You would have been dead three times over without me.

ANGELO: And you without me. Camaraderie, Sir Caroline! Precisely what the Queen wanted us to gain from this – ooh, watch your step around the pit, now.

CAROLINE: Oh, I’m watching.

ANGELO: And so, I just want to say…

Do you think you could stop walking for a minute, Sir Caroline? It’s rather hard to have an emotional moment moving so quickly.

CAROLINE: You don’t say.

ANGELO: Here.

SOUND: ARMOR CLANKING. FOOTSTEPS STOP.

Now, I just wanted to say—

CAROLINE: You will let go of me this instant, Sir Angelo, or you will regret it.

ANGELO: Just a moment, just a moment. I just wanted to say I accept you, Sir Caroline. As a knight. And as… a woman.

CAROLINE: Don’t come any closer.

ANGELO: A kiss would be appropriate, I think.

CAROLINE: (SIGHS) Well, if you insist! Close your eyes, Sir Angelo, and I’ll give you a kiss you won’t soon forget!

ANGELO: Of course!

SOUND: PUNCH.

ANGELO: Well, that was… memorable.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS.

Sir Caroline, I feel… very foolish. I hope you will accept my apo—

CAROLINE: What value do we knights hold above all others?

ANGELO: What?

MUSIC: STARTS.

CAROLINE: Answer the question, Sir Angelo.

ANGELO: Strength in… unity, Sir Caroline.

CAROLINE: We found unity as knights today. We work well together. Now don’t ruin it.

ANGELO: I– I won’t.

CAROLINE: You’d better not. Come along, now.

After that two-faced ogre in the forest, this is the second monster with powers of manipulation to attack the Citadel this month. Beasts learning to pit knights against one another, and this quickly, it’s… unprecedented. Something dire is coming. I can feel it.

ANGELO: I suppose it is rather odd.

CAROLINE: The queen should know about it immediately, if we’re to do something about it.

ANGELO: We?

CAROLINE: Is your earwax as thick as the rest of you, Sir Angelo? I said we work well together. That means you’re coming with me.

ANGELO: I… of course! Ha-ha! Now, stand behind me, Sir Caroline; Sir Angelo the Strong will protect…

…er, rather, I suppose, to your point, as a fellow-knight, perhaps ladies first is more the token…

CAROLINE: I think side by side would be appropriate, Sir Angelo.

ANGELO: Side by side, then.

SOUND: AWKWARD GRUNTS.

ANGELO: Excuse me!

Careful.

CAROLINE: Ugh. Alright.

ANGELO: On second thought, this is a very narrow path.

CAROLINE: Walk behind me.

ANGELO: Yes, yes, I think that would be best.

MUSIC: ENDS.

***

SOUND: TRAIN MOVING, MUSIC.

CONDUCTOR: If you’ve enjoyed this tale, please consider donating to The Penumbra on Patreon. Our artists work tirelessly to bring you these stories, and if you have the means, we hope you will support our efforts. Every dollar helps. You can find that page at patreon.com/thepenumbrapodcast. If you support us on Patreon at the $10 level or higher, you’ll receive access to commentary tracks like this one, from actors Leslie Drescher and M. Sutherland, and co-creator Sophie Kaner:

SOUND: TRAIN STOPS, DOOR SLIDES OPEN, RAIN.

LESLIE: …Motivational videos—

SOPHIE: Inspira– yeah, inspiration. He’ll be like Tony Horton is; y’know, he’ll have, like, DVDs.

LESLIE: Yes.

SOPHIE: Yeah. (LAUGHS) And I can also really hear that.

M: Shreddin’ abs, and monsters!

SOPHIE: Because he– I mean like, he– he’s totally into, like, motivating people.

M: Oh, yeah.

LESLIE: Oh yes. He’s very positive.

SOPHIE: (LAUGHING) He’s so positive!

LESLIE: He’s an enthusiastic force. For sure.

SOPHIE: Just misguided.

So Leslie, tell me a little bit about developing Sir Caroline.

LESLIE: Right, so, I did not know that after that first…

SOUND: DOOR SLIDES SHUT.

CONDUCTOR: You can also support The Penumbra by liking us on Facebook, following us on Twitter @thepenumbrapod, following us on Tumblr @thepenumbrapodcast, telling your friends about us, telling your friends to tell their friends about us, and especially by rating and reviewing our podcast on iTunes. Every rating, comment, and kind word spreads our stories further and inspires us to keep creating more and better tales to come.

We would like to give special thanks to all who support us on Patreon, but especially to The Princess and The Scrivener, Hannah Tsim, Elizabeth Miller, and Jaimie Gunter for their incredibly generous contributions per episode. Thank you.

This tale, The Caves of Discord, was told by the following people: Leslie Drescher as Sir Caroline, M. Sutherland as Sir Angelo, Kat Buckingham as the Queen, Noah Simes as Brother, and Kate Jones as Sister.

On staff at The Penumbra: Kevin Vibert is our lead writer and recording engineer. Sophie Kaner is our director and sound designer. Noah Simes is our production manager. Alice Chung is our designer and financial manager. Grahame Turner is our script editor. Original music by Ryan Vibert. Promotional art by Mikaela Buckley.

The Penumbra is created and produced by Sophie Kaner and Kevin Vibert.

I’m afraid this is the end of the line for today, dear Traveler. We hope you will ride with The Penumbra again soon.

ALL SOUNDS: FADE OUT.

[bloomsoftly]

kisses meant to distract the other person from whatever they were intently doing + shieldshock. :D

thanks for the prompt, lovely! be on the lookout for a follow-up to this one. ❤️

Undone

The first time Darcy had a vision about Captain America, she woke up screaming. For the rest of the night she sat stone-still in the center of her bed, rolled up in a tiny ball. With the onset of dawn, streaks of orange and yellow light crept their way across the bed. She stared, unseeing, even as her eyes started to burn under the rays of the sun.

By the time Jane opened her door, Darcy was almost fully bathed in sunlight. She closed her eyes, resenting the warm weight of it on her face. It felt harsh, unkind, when her skin was still prickled with fear. With the memory of Captain Steve Rogers’ body stiff and cold, his gaze vacant. She’d only met the man once, and now she never wanted to meet him again. It had been a short interaction, to be sure, no more than a couple of minutes at most, but she remembered the mischief in his eyes and the warm sincerity of his laugh. Now all she could picture was the tension of his jaw, even in death, and the way his brow furrowed with pain and despair.

Jane—whose intuition bordered a gift all on its own—took one look at her intern-turned-friend and scampered across the cold floor. Without a word she pulled Darcy into her arms, enveloping her with the warmth of another’s touch. She rocked their bodies back and forth, crooning soft nonsense into her best friend’s ear.

Grounded by Jane’s touch, Darcy fell to pieces. With great, shuddering sobs, she shut her eyes tight and hid her face in Jane’s hair. She whimpered and moaned and clenched her icy cold fingers against the rough stitches of the other woman’s sweater, too overcome to use actual words. Every breath seemed to fill her lungs with frost, freezing her from the inside out.

Used to the panic attacks caused by Darcy’s nightmares—visions, to be more precise—Jane gave her another minute. She rubbed soothing circles into the younger woman’s back, circulating her blood and easing the tension in her muscles.

“You’re absolutely freezing, Darce,” she finally said, reaching with one hand to tuck the blankets tighter around their bodies. “What happened? What did you see?”

“Ca-Ca-Captain,” Darcy stuttered, half expecting her breath to frost the air around them. “Ro-Ro-Rog—”

“Steve?” Jane clarified. Her fingers clenched against Darcy’s back, but otherwise she showed no outward sign of distress. She knew what it meant, for Darcy to be dreaming about someone they knew, and it certainly wasn’t anything good. But she kept calm for her best friend’s sake, and Darcy adored her all the more for it. “You had a dream about Steve Rogers?”

With an ungraceful swallow, Darcy bobbed her head in confirmation. “Yeah. On a mission.” No other words were needed.

“Okay, okay. Let’s think up a plan.” Jane pulled back just a little, pressing an encouraging kiss to Darcy’s forehead before swiping the tears away from her friend’s cheek with her too-long, ratty sleeves. “Are you ready?”

One breath, then two, then a nod—this one more sure than the last. Darcy knew what Jane was asking. The only upside to her gift, if one could call it that, was that Darcy wasn’t doomed to foresee tragedies and nightmares from which there was no escape. If Darcy dreamt something, it meant it could be changed. She was an early warning system, Jane liked to joke on the good days.

“Yes,” she stated firmly, meeting Jane’s eyes with determination. She rubbed a weary hand across her eyes once more, then shook herself free of the lingering effects of the vision. “Yes, I’m ready.”

With a tight grin, Jane swiped her hair back into a messy ponytail and reached for the journal Darcy kept on her bedside table. Clicking the pen decisively, she nodded. “Alright, Darce. Walk me through it.”

(read more link here)

-:-

Steve was fed up. There was something going on with Thor’s girlfriend, Jane Foster, and her assistant, Darcy Lewis. Even worse, he got the feeling it had something to do with him, and Steve was starting to feel like the butt of the joke. In the past six months, Dr. Foster and Miss Lewis had been popping up in the middle of Avenger missions, often at the most inopportune times. At first, he’d been willing to write it off as simple coincidence—but after the fourth, fifth, and sixth times they’d somehow inserted themselves into dangerous situations, he’d had enough.

It was at the point now that his preoccupation with their antics was affecting his concentration out in the field, and he’d had the hardest time focusing during their briefing. With a frustrated groan, he threw his helmet against the wall. It left an angry crack in the wall; even after all these years, he sometimes miscalculated his strength.

“Woah, there, Steve,” Bucky chided, peeking around the corner with his hands held mockingly in the air. “What’d that wall ever do to you?”

Raking his hand through his disheveled hair, Steve sighed. “Nothing, Bucky. I’m just worried about the mission.”

“Why? It seemed pretty straightforward to me.”

“Until Jane Foster and Darcy Lewis get involved,” Steve muttered under his breath. Even if the softly-uttered words hadn’t caught Bucky’s attention, the bitter undertone would have.

“Now, now, Stevie, don’t be bitter,” Bucky cooed. “You’re only mad because you were sweet on the little lady, up until she started stalking you on missions.”

Steve’s best friend had always known where to hit him where it hurt. And he wasn’t wrong, not really. Steve had been taken in by Darcy Lewis. Her vivacious nature, her laugh, her sense of humor—her luscious curves, Sweet Mother of God—and the way she looked at him like he was just a man. Not Captain America, not an Avenger, just a man.

And then she’d started showing up on missions, inserting herself and grabbing his attention in the most absurd of ways. As stupid as it was, he felt betrayed. Like the person he’d thought she was didn’t actually exist. Honestly, he was bitter about it. He’d find it easier to let go and move on if she’d stop showing up everywhere, too.

“I’d just feel better if they didn’t constantly put themselves at risk, that’s all,” he said after a moment.

“What did Thor say when you asked him about it?”

“Something about ‘untold depths’ or something. I love that guy, but we both know he lets Dr. Foster whatever she wants. The woman is brilliant, but her methods—” He faltered, not wanting to bad-mouth the woman. He actually admired her very much, and she’d been kind when she spent her free time teaching him and Bucky about the advances in science from the 1940s.

“Are a little cuckoo?” Bucky laughed. “I like the lady as much as you do, Steve. It’s okay to say it out loud. I never got the crazy stalker feel from sexy little Lewis.” Watching as Steve’s mouth twitched into a frown at the word sexy, he smirked. “So much for hating her. You’re still nursing a crush on Lewis, aren’t you?”

“No,” Steve denied vehemently. “No, I’m not.”

Before Bucky could respond, their phones blared with an alert. Wincing at the piercing noise, he punched Steve in the shoulder as they moved together down the hall. “Saved by the bell. What’s this one, again?”

To be honest, Steve’s thoughts had been less focused on the mission and more preoccupied with thoughts of a certain brunette science assistant. Angry, disappointed, and frustrated thoughts, of course. “Not sure, actually. A herd of elephant-sized space creatures… something about a wormhole… maybe?”

Bucky offered a knowing grin. “Uh-uh. Well, we better get a move on. Maybe we’ll get lucky and Foster and Lewis will show up and spice things up.”

“Don’t even joke, Buck.”

-:-

The mission started like any other. The intel was bad, as usual. Incomplete, Natasha said, ever the diplomat. There were elephant-sized space creatures, and it was possible that they arrived via some kind of wormhole. What the intel neglected to mention, however, was the large number of Frost Giants who accompanied them.

Frost Giants who, it turned out, came equipped with giant ice-blasting weapons. Which they were currently using to tear up Wall Street.

When he got blasted through one of the floor-to-ceiling glass windows, Steve started to worry. “Bucky, where are you?”

His comm crackled to life. “Steve, are you alright? I got pulled toward City Hall. I’m trying to evac civilians now, but I’m gonna be here for a while.” Steve wiped blood from his face as he peered out into the street, analyzing his chances.

“Steve? Steve, are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. Get those people safe, Buck. I’ll hold things down here until you get back.”

Bucky’s reply was lost in the sound of a sudden, pained cough.

“I’ll check back in a few,” Steve muttered into his comm, moving toward the receptionist desk to investigate. “Hello? Who’s there?”

As he rounded the desk, Steve was almost unsurprised to find Darcy. All his fury and frustration from the past several months swelled in his chest, only to be stymied by the dazed look in her eyes and the blood trickling down her temple.

“Steve?” she mumbled, reaching a shaky hand in his direction.

“Darcy? Are you alright? What the hell are you even doing here?” He rushed to her side, smoothing her hair back from the wound. It was shallow, thankfully.

“Fine… Danger… Steve.” She grasped his wrist, focusing her dazed eyes on his.

“I know there’s danger, Darcy. Stay here, alright? I’ll call for backup, and you’ll be okay. I won’t let anything happen to you, promise.”

“No,” she protested, gaze suddenly sharpening. “Keep you safe.” And then she was pulling him in by the neck.

Her kiss was electric. All he could focus on was the feel of her mouth on his, on the way her tongue swept across his lower lip. He forgot about the mission, the danger—everything but the way her tongue tangled with his. She tasted faintly of peppermint and salt when he nibbled on her lip, and he was barely able to stifle a groan.

When her hand slid into his hair, pulling and clutching at the short strands, he couldn’t contain a soft moan. He shifted against her, pulling her tightly against his body and attacking her mouth with fervor. The earth moved.

With ringing ears, they broke apart. His lips were tingling, warm and tasting of her… and wet plaster. He glanced up. There was a giant hole in the wall directly above them.

Reality crashed in, and he pulled away. Fixing his helmet, he reached for his shield.

“Steve—”

But couldn’t even look at her.

“No, seriously, Darcy. I don’t know what you’re doing or why you’re following me around on missions, but I want you to leave me alone. Don’t follow me, don’t talk to me. I’ve had enough of this stupid game, alright?”

“Steve—”

He ignored her as he walked away, tears coursing their way down her cheeks.

-:-

The science department was oddly empty for a Monday afternoon. On his previous visits to Tony’s lab, there had been music wars and hallway races—in comparison, the silence was almost eerie.

It took some of the strength out of Steve’s anger, but he continued on toward Dr. Foster’s lab. Now that he’d had several days to process what happened, he was on the hunt for answers.

The door opened with a slight whoosh, disturbing the still air of the lab. Jane was hunched over a table in the middle of the room, alone.

“Jane. Hi. Is—”

“Dr. Foster.” She didn’t look up as she spoke. It looked like she was doodling a curse word in the top corner of her paper.

“I—I’m sorry?”

“It’s Dr. Foster to you, Captain Rogers. And you should be.”

“What did I do?” he asked, confused. Then he remembered why he came to the lab in the first place. “No, wait, nevermind. Where’s Miss Lewis? I need to talk to her.”

“She’s gone, and she’s not coming back. And it’s your fault, Rogers.” She pointed at the door. “Now get out.”

[simonjadis]

Previously, on Dragon Age

I wrote a summary of all of Dragon Age (pre-Inquisition) off of the top of my head, including contents from a couple of novels, for a friend of mine

it’s 18 pages but here you go

Previously, on Dragon Age (pre-Inquisition Summary)

Backstory:

It is said that long ago, the humans who formed the early Tevinter Imperium grew jealous of the land and magic of the ancient elves and their city of Arlathan, so they used blood magic and demons to fuck up Arlathan forever and made those elves into slaves. The Imperium is one of my problematic faves. With the elves defeated, Tevinter expanded and conquered most but not all of the other human tribes.

The dwarves had their underground kingdoms and underground highways called the Deep Roads and they were just sort of that squidward suntanning meme about it all.

Later, some magisters, who are just fantasy senators who are all mages, decided: “Hey, you know how the Fade is the world of dreams, the realm of spirits, and it's also the source of our magic? Let's go there.” So they used a stupid amount of slave blood and lyrium—which is a blue substance that's mined and can be bonus fuel for magic, just like blood—to go into the Fade physically trying to go to this one tantalizing “golden city” in the Fade that's unreachable in spirit form, which is how normal mages who aren't The Most use the Fade. Anyway, it was a disaster. These seven magisters, who had been trying to serve their slumbering dragon gods by doing this, came back as super gross tainted creatures called darkspawn. The darkspawn went underground, wrecked shit for most of the dwarves, and came up with a horde of darkspawn.

This was called the First Blight and it wasn't as fun as it sounds. The darkspawn weren't content to just be directionless asshole monsters, and instead dug up—and tainted—one of those sleeping old gods that the Tevinter Imperium worships. So you've got this big-ass fucked up dragon with god-level powers, whatever that means, and it's also infected with the darkspawn taint. Oh, and even when the army works to fucking kill it, it just respawns, like it's the main character. So eventually, some clever folks came up with grey wardens, who are sort of inoculated against the taint, and because of Reasons they can kill an archdemon (fucked up dragon god).

Unfortunately, it turns out that having a live reenactment of The Return of the King right in the middle of your expanding empire is terrible for the economy. So the Tevinter Imperium was weakened. Oh, it's worth mentioning that they have good relations with the dwarven kingdoms in general, but most of those huge dwarven cities are just full of darkspawn and dwarf ghosts and obligatory video game spiders now.

However, a woman in Ferelden, which was never fully tamed by Tevinter—it's sort of old-timey Fantasy Britain, so picture Mud And Dogs And Freedom—named Andraste was like “hey this would be a great time to marry a warlord and to become Fire Jesus.” She's sort of inspired by Joan of Arc but she's just Fire Jesus. Anyway, she invented monotheism, which always ends well, and her warlord husband led their barbarian hordes to fight back against the Imperium. Also some elves helped because she promised to free the slaves. Eventually, her husband betrayed her (cue the “Judas, no!” vine) and she got burned to death, but the Archon who ordered that to happen put her down with a sword to be merciful. So large portions of southern Thedas, which is the continent where this is set and THEDAS is literally THE Dragon Age Setting, were suddenly freed from Tevinter thanks to barbarian hordes and a weakened Imperium.

That was like a thousand years ago.

There were some more Blights. The Fourth Blight was centuries ago and an elven twink named Garahel killed that Archdemon but honestly his sister was cooler.

Andraste's religion, the chantry, is super racist against elves and even led a crusade (“exalted march”) against the elven homeland because Bad And Naughty Non-Human Polytheists Must Be Cleansed. The Imperium still exists but they're stuck in the past and still have slavery and lack forward momentum tbh. But at least they're a magocracy. The chantry reveres Andraste but technically prays to the Maker, even though there's zero evidence that the Maker exists. In general, the chantry doesn't like mages and essentially owns all non-illegal mages who have to go live in internment camps called Circles, which are like Hogwarts if you had no choice but to go there and could only leave with special written permission and also if you were watched at all times by guards with special anti-magic powers. Templars are awful. Mages who don't go there or who escape are called apostates and technically they're supposed to be arrested but a lot of the time, templar squads hunt them down and kill them because that's easier.

Mages, it's worth noting, can be possessed by spirits and demons from the Fade. If they are, they're normally considered to be abominations which are dangerous and templars then kill them. But also, every Circle mage has to pass something called the Harrowing which is when they deliberately trap you in the Fade with a demon that will try to possess you. If you want to opt out, they make you Tranquil, which robs you of your magic and also your agency and emotions and dreams. In some Circles, templars use Tranquility on mages whom they view as political troublemakers. So that sucks. But some of these internment towers are nicer than others, I guess.

These days, the Tevinter Imperium has its own chantry which is very mage-friendly but otherwise worships the Maker. The biggest religious moment for them is when their Archon (mage-emperor) put Andraste out of her misery. Just about everywhere else follows the southern chantry, which is more anti-mage.

The Dalish elves are just the sad Trail Of Tears elves and they're regarded with suspicion and move from place to place to avoid human settlements. They worship the elven gods. Most elves live in cities, howeer, in ghettos called alienages, and they have a few distinct traditions but for the most part they're expected to worship the Maker—but aren't allowed to be part of the clergy or anything, heavens no.

Dwarves in the dwarven kingdom of Orzammar (one of only two cities that endures) revere their ancestors and believe that the Stone guides them all. They also honor paragons, which are just really good dwarves that did neat stuff one time. Surface dwarves generally “lose their Stone sense” and some may even follow the chantry.

Then there are the Qunari, who live mostly on this island north of the Tevinter Imperium. They want to conquer everyone and make them follow the Qun, which is their absolute garbage religion where everyone's life is planned out for them in advance. Even the leaders don't have real choices; they just live their lives according to what the Qun demands of them. Qunari believe that there's just one choice—whether to exist or not. People they conquer who won't yield are given a substance that turns them into drooling laborers. Qunari regard mages as dangerous things (literally call them saarebas, for dangerous thing) and use them as weapons instead of as people. They kill non-qunari mages because they consider them too dangerous.

Qunari refers to both the race of tall, gray horned giants and also to the adherents of a religion. Incidentally, they only arrived on Par Vollen a couple of centuries ago, after the Fourth Blight, so they're not super familiar with darkspawn. They immediately tried to conquer everyone, and they have some deadly technology like cannons to make that a real threat. But the opposition was a bit much and they don't like that people seem to want to die rather than, uh, become enslaved to a book, so they decided to back off but it's clear to everyone that they're just biding their time. They're still at war with Tevinter, though, and the two keep juggling who controls the island of Seheron.

Qunari who leave the Qun are called Tal Vashoth and it may be that the tall gray horned people as a race are called Vashoth but that's not clear, in game or on Twitter and maybe not even in the writer's room.

Aside from Tevinter and the Qunari, the most powerful nation in Thedas is Orlais, which is just Fantasy France. They're very into Andraste, there. Also, big into anti-elven racism. And pastels.

The only non-Andrastian humans seem to be certain people in Rivain, a city of people with brown skin and a lot of pirates. And, of course, the Avvar, who are sort of Fantasy Vikings and still follow the same polytheistic faith that pretty much all of Ferelden and the Free Marches once followed.

DRAGON AGE: ORIGINS

It's 9:30 Dragon, so 930 years since the foundation of the chantry. The Fifth Blight has begun at the southernmost point of Thedas, in a part of semi-uncharted Ferelden known as the Korcari Wilds. You're in Ferelden.

If you pick the mage origin, you can be an elf or a human (Surana or Amell is your surname), and you go through your Harrowing and help your disaster friend with his bid to escape the Tower. That doesn't go so well but you get recruited to the Grey Wardens because you're the best apprentice mage there.

If you pick the non-mage human origin, you're a Cousland, part of a powerful noble family in Ferelden. Your brother leaves to help the king as he prepares to confront the darkspawn. Your father is due to leave soon. Thankfully, is good friend Voiced By Tim Curry has arrived and will be accompanying him. Everyone goes to sleep and you can even do a gay hookup, but surprise! Voiced By Tim Curry isn't so nice and his troops attack the castle while so many troops are away. You and your battle-mom and your pet dog (super-intelligent mabari hound) murder your way through a whole bunch of people but, like, your sister-in-law and your nephew are murdered and your dad's dying so you join the Grey Wardens. Your mom also dies but she probably kills a lot more people before the end.

If you pick a Dalish elf, you and your friend go into a ruin in the woods and there's a tainted mirror and, whoops, the only cure is to be a Grey Warden.

If you pick a City elf, you're getting straight-married in an arranged marriage when Vaughn Urien comes by because he's a disastrous garbage guy who wants to rape some elves since elves don't have rights. He kidnaps the bride (which might be you) among others. Whether you're the bride or the groom, you're like 90 pounds of pure murder, so you kill a whole bunch of humans and free the women, but one might be dead. Also, the groom dies if you're the bride. You're arrested and then a Grey Warden is like “this elf is great at murder, you say?” And he conscripts you to join the wardens.

If you pick a dwarven noble, which I saw once, your rude brother is murdered by your smart brother, who frames you for it, so you have to be cast out in the Deep Roads to die fighting darkspawn. But a Grey Warden comes by and recruits you.

If you play a dwarven outcast, who live in the slums of Orzammar, I don't even know. You do some dwarf crimes? Dwarves can't be mages.

ANYWAY, a warden named Duncan has recruited you to join the Grey Wardens. He takes you to Ostagar which is a semi-ruined fortress way to the south where King Cailan and Teyrn Loghain are waiting. King Cailan is like a Ken Doll with long hair. He seems to be a beautiful idiot whose father was a hero and, gosh, he'd love to do some hero stuff too. Teyrn Loghain is literally just Scar from The Lion King but less sexy. Loghain is his father-in-law. Also, Cailan and Queen Anora have zero kids.

There is literally a strategy meeting where Cailan says “It will be glorious” and Loghain says “Yes, Cailan. A glorious moment for us all.” So that's great to hear.

You're the warden recruit and you're paired with a couple of redshirts who are also warden recruits. You're paired up with Alistair, an awkward 20-year-old virgin jock whose heart is as big as his penis.

You do some minor quests and you fight darkspawn for the first time and they're awful. You get to cure a sick dog. Also, you meet Morrigan (a shapeshifting mage voiced by Claudia Black) and you even meet her mom, Flemeth, who's voiced by Kate Mulgrew and is clearly more powerful than she seems. Anyway, you head back and you go through the Joining. Duncan tells you that you have to drink a concoction that gives you the taint but in a safe-ish way, but half the people who drink it die. He tells you that you must “master your taint,” and I've seen this scene two-dozen times and never not snickered. Both redshirts die. But you're a warden now.

Now it's time for the Battle of Ostagar, which sure looks cool but, uh, doesn't go so well. The wardens are massacred. The king dies. Whoops, did Loghain forget to charge forward when he got the signal? He sure did. Half the army just opted out of the Battle of Ostagar, which is hard to sell as a strategic retreat because of his ominous dialogue earlier.

The Battle of Ostagar did feature some survivors who were with the King's army, but most were massacred. Or dragged underground by darkspawn.

During all of this, you're the one who braved a tower full of darkspawn and faced an ogre boss fight with Alistair and two new random guardsmen redshirts to light the signal that fucking Loghain ignored because he was too busy being prepared for the coup of the century and for the murkiest scam.

In the end, though, darkspawn burst in during a cutscene and just riddle you and Alistair and (gasp!) the redshirts with arrows. But then you wake up . . . in Flemeth's hut. You're totally healed. You're also naked. Life's like that sometimes. Anyway, Morrigan jokes that her mom transformed into a giant bird and plucked you and Alistair from the tower, which is probably a half-truth. Flemeth also healed you and Alistair. Flemeth is powerful enough that her magic can somehow keep darkspawn away from her house. I have no idea how she casts with Whoopi Goldberg spell but she's very powerful and clearly more than just a mage.

Flemeth sends Morrigan, who is a delightful goth who's still understandably bitter about having been homeschooled, along with you and Alistair. If you either chose the Human Noble Origin and got a dog that way or if you did the Cure The Dog stuff at Ostagar with one of the other origins, you find that this dog imprinted upon you and escaped the carnage. You can even name this dog. Remember the disaster mage friend from the Mage Origin? His name was Jowan. My Surana Warden names her dog Jowan.

Alistair is still sad about Duncan, who was his mentor or substitute father figure or whatever. Morrigan quotes the wise words of Gillian Anderson: I don't feel sorry for men. Anyway, you guys go to a village called Lothering and you see how news of the disaster at Ostagar is impacting people. There are refugees everywhere. The local lord abandoned his holding because it seems likely that the darkspawn horde will strike there next. People aren't sure that this is a proper Blight, because nobody's seen the archdemon, but Grey Wardens can sense it and you even see it in your dreams a couple of times. You do some quests in Lothering. You also find out that there's a bounty on surviving grey wardens, because they “betrayed the king,” according to Loghain. You're joined by a bisexual fwonch redhead named Leliana who is super into Fire Jesus but ALSO super good at murder because of her Mysterious Past. She believes that the Maker sent her a dream to tell her to help you. Sure, Jan. You can also recruit Sten, which is technically a rank because Qunari don't have names. He's in a cage. He also doesn't have horns because horns are too hard to render with helmets it's a rare trait to be naturally hornless and is akin to being a redhead in humans.

Leliana has been working for the chantry for a while but hints that her pre-chantry skills will help her kill folks. Sten wields a big ol' sword. Alistair discovers that the man who raised him before shipping him off to the chantry, Arl Eamon of Redcliffe, is sick and that knights have been sent to find the Fire Jesus version of the holy grail, which is just Andraste's ashes, for a miracle cure. As you leave, you rescue a couple of dwarves, one of whom is a savant at adding runes to weapons and the other of whom is a merchant. They'll follow you and show up at party camp from here on out.

You have Warden Treaties so you can go and remind factions that they're obligated to help you, but there's a smart order in which to do them. I'll just go with that.

First, you go to the Circle of Magi in Ferelden, which is on an island tower called Kinloch Hold. There are stat power-ups here that are more helpful in early game than later in the game. You want to secure the help of the mages, natch, but you get there and find out that, whoops, a Senior Enchanter named Uldred isn't as nice as his name makes him sound. So Uldred led a small rebellion against First Enchanter Irving and the other Senior Enchanters because of some deal that Loghain was making with Uldred. Long story short, whoops, a little bit of magic fights turned into a Demonstravaganza and the whole tower is a mess with abominations running all over. The templars are ready to use the Rite of Annulment which is when they kill every mage, including the children, but they need reinforcements to do so. You go in and you find Senior Enchanter Wynne, a Wine Grandma and skilled healer, protecting a bunch of apprentices and other survivors. She insists on going with you to cleanse the tower so you have to shuffle someone out of your party to accommodate her. You kill demons, a few renegade blood mages, abominations, possessed corpses. Then you get to a sloth demon who lulls you all to sleep so you do the Lost In Dreams thing but, if you're a mage, the Fade is your bread and butter. You do some simple puzzles and you get some permanent stat upgrades and you rescue your friends from some dreams. Alistair has a happy boring family life because he's just a golden-hearted jock. Wynne is like “oh no! All these apprentices are dead and it's my fault. Woe is me.” Morrigan's dream is just her not being fooled even a little bit and yelling at her spirit to at least do a better job if it expects to make her believe that she's at home with her mom. So you escape from the dream and the sloth demon's dead now and you keep on going. You kill some mind-controlled templars.

At the end, Uldred has a bunch of mages captured and he tortures them until they accept possession and become one of his fellow abominations. Uldred sees you and after some Villainous Dialogue he turns into a Pride Demon. You kill him until he dies and then First Enchanter Irving and the others are free and are like “yeah sure we'll help against the Blight but, um, first we need to clean up this mess.” There were some other survivors hiding in wardrobes and stuff so it's not like the Circle's all dead.

You leave and you'll notice on your map that Lothering has now been wiped out by darkspawn. Then you go to Redcliffe because not only is Alistair's other surrogate father figure sick, but he could be helpful in raising political support from the bannorn (lesser nobles; in Ferelden, it's the king, then the teyrns, then the arls, then the banns) against Loghain. And you guys are fugitives. Speaking of you guys being fugitives, there's a random encounter in the road where some lady's like “oh no! Help!” and it's a trap. And the leader of that trap is an assassin—a blond elven murdertwink named Zevran Arainai. You kill the fuck out of these would-be assassins but then there's a cutscene and Zevran's like “oh fuck you're scary; can I join you? I was literally bought by these assassins as a child and have never had any choice about this and also they'll kill me for failing, but you seem good at killing them, ALSO I'm bi and hella good at sex things.” Beyond his sluttiness he's basically Puss in Boots from Shrek. So yeah, you can recruit him.

Alistair will tell you that, whoops, it might come up, but while he knows Arl Eamon and views him as a father/bother figure, his actual dad was . . . King Cailan. The dead one. He is, in this and most other circumstances, just Smiley John Snow.

Then you're in Redcliffe and, whoops, the town is besieged by the undead each night. “But where are they coming from?” you ask. From Arl Eamon's castle. There are some quests you can do in town in the day to help everyone get ready. At night, everyone will be locked in the chantry while you fight off the undead outside. The fighting lasts a while but, I mean, they're just corpses with weapons so you kill them. Personally, I always kill Lloyd, the owner of the local tavern, because he's rude and he gropes his waitress Bella, who's very pretty and nice. You have to intimidate Lloyd into joining the fight, then make sure that he's caught in one of your area of effect spells. Anyway, you saved the day, but they all thank the Maker that they lived.

Then you sneak into Castle Redcliffe via a hidden passage through a windmill. Inside, the arl's son is possessed because it turns out that he was a secret mage and the arl's wife, ashamed of this, didn't want anyone—even her husband—to know. So she hired an apostate to tutor her son in magic. That apostate was Jowan. And, as Jowan tells you when you find him, Loghain, whom Jowan only knows as the war hero from years ago, learned of it and hired Jowan to poison the arl. The arl fell ill and the arl's young son, Connor, struck a deal with a powerful Desire Demon to keep his father from dying. That demon is now running amok.

From this point, you have a number of choices. You can, um, just kill this kid, if you want. You can have Jowan sacrifice the kid's mom to use blood magic to send you into the Fade to face this demon. Or you can ask the Circle mages, who owe you a favor, to help send you into the Fade. (Technically, if you're not a mage, you control a mage like Morrigan to do the Fade bit). So, the Circle sends you into the Fade. If you're playing as anyone but yourself, you kill the Desire Demon. If you play as yourself, you can also strike a deal. She can teach you blood magic, which unlocks the blood magic school for all mages in all future playthroughs. You can even save, make that deal, and then reload and choose a different boon. Anyway, her deal is that you don't kill her and she'll fake her death, making it seem that you've cured Connor's possession. And that she'll then come back one day.

But even after you save Redcliffe, the arl's still sick. And everyone seems really sure that the ashes of Fire Jesus are going to help, even though that sounds extremely fake.

If you haven't done so already, this is a great time to get Shale.

You buy a control rod off of a random merchant, which sends you to Honnleath, a lovely little town that's been overrun by darkspawn who are busy murdering the inhabitants. In the center of the town square is a “statue” posing like that guy saying “ART” in The Iron Giant. You kill some darkspawn and then you find where the survivors are huddled behind a magical barrier in the workshop of a dead mage. The survivors are glad that you're there, but this little girl has gone deeper into the Magical Experimentation Basement and everyone who tries to go after her has been killed by magical defenses that didn't seem to notice the girl. You get to the end and fight a Desire Demon named Kitty who's possessed the girl. You tell the guy that his daughter's dead and he gives you the activation code for the golem while you leave him alone in his grief. You still saved everyone else. Anyway, you awaken Shale, who is absolutely wonderful and I cannot emphasize that enough.

Shale hates pigeons because everyone would if they've been stuck in statue form for 30 years. Shale refers to everyone as “it” and “the its.” Shale is big and strong and made of murder and, as you later find out, was once a dwarven woman who was sacrificed to give life to a golem. In fact, she volunteered.

Okay, so after some side quests, you head to a quiet little horror movie village called Haven where nothing is fine.

Technically, there's some intrigue and shenanigans beforehand with some people trying to kill you that tips you off that Haven is a sub-optimal vacation destination, but once you're there, that becomes much clearer. You hear a child's horrifying nursery rhyme that sounds an awful lot like it's about luring a traveler to his death. You go into a house and there's blood on an altar and Morrigan says that it's human blood, and she would know. You go into an inn and make some purchases from the innkeeper, which is good, because as soon as you try to sneak a look into the back room, where there happens to be a Redcliffe Knight who's been tortured and murdered, the guy attacks you, which closes the store. Once you leave the inn, the cultists all drop their act and you kill them a whole bunch. Then you go up to their version of a chantry, which isn't any worse than a regular chantry but it does feature some bad dudes whom you kill.

In a secret side room in that chantry, you find this huge nerd named Brother Genitivi who writes about his nerdy travels because he loves geography and anthropology and stuff. He's injured but he comes with you and helps you enter the Temple of Sacred Ashes where Andraste's remains are allegedly interred. Leaving him to study what it feels like to have frostbite in a ruin at the entrance, you go in, killing cultists and some other things, including ash wraiths. You even kill some young dragons, which are like wolf-sized, and some boy-dragons called drakes, which are more like the size of polar bears. There are lots of traps and there's lots of treasure, and eventually you talk this cult leader named Kolgrim into escorting you to the Temple.

See, Kolgrim worships “the risen Andraste,” which is just a high dragon that he's decided is Andraste 2.0. Haven apparently was once just the regular sort of Andrastian cult before Kolgrim's ancestor went through a dragon phase and everyone got on board or died. Well, Kolgrim wants you to mix the ashes with dragon's blood from Andraste II, but the Temple's guardian won't let him or his followers pass. This is the easier route, and he even persuades the dragon to let you guys pass through her valley.

You have to chat about your feelings with a dumb ghost (the guardian) before you enter the temple proper. If you have Oghren with you (he's a consummate dwarf in the worst ways; picture Yosemite Sam with an axe), he will comment that he can feel lyrium throughout the temple, and that maybe it accounts for why stuff here is so strange and magical. The Guardian may have been some sort of Spirit of Faith or even a Spirit of Compassion who assumed the role of a devoted person when he died, but that's just speculation. There are some magical trials that you have to pass, such as Fighting Yourself, Solving Riddles, and Getting Naked. All important tenets of Andrastianism, surely. At the end, you find an urn with a dead lady's ashes in it. Since pouring the dragon blood into the urn has some less fun consequences, you really want to avoid doing that and just take a pinch of the ashes. When you leave (and there's a great XP bonus bug here, at least on PC, that you can exploit from here on out to level up quickly if you need to), Kolgrim is unhappy and tries to kill you, so you finish killing the cultists.

You can kill 2 Andraste 2 Furious here if you like, but it's probably better to do so later. High Dragons are a lot.

Oh, Brother Genitivi is totally excited to tell the whole world about this find. If Morrigan is with you, she will point out the obvious—that the chantry is likely to try to use this to leverage even further influence and power over the land. Genitivi cannot be convinced to stay silent, but you can murder him, which I have done every time.

You head back to Redcliffe and it turns out that what Morrigan calls “digging up the bones of a madwoman” was somehow the right call, as it does enable a healer to restore Arl Eamon to health. He's like “sure I'd love to help you against Loghain but you need to finish your treaty stuff.” Oh and he names you Champions of Redcliffe, which would be cool for a normal person but most people forget when they're listing the Warden's eventual titles.

Leliana has a personal quest to kill Marjolaine, her former lover who trained her in murdersinging (sorry, the bardic arts). You do that.

Morrigan has a quest for you to kill her mom, because she's discovered that Flemeth lives forever by possessing her “daughters” and Morrigan would like to keep her body, thanks. Flemeth knows why you're there but decides that she's going to make you work for it, even though she says that she'd be interested in seeing what Morrigan will do with her freedom. Then Flemeth turns into a dragon and you have to fight and kill this dragon without Morrigan's presence. All things considered, this if Flemeth going easy on you.

Your romance should be progressing pretty well at this point, and you may have even banged one companion and moved on to another at this point. If she likes you, Morrigan will give you a willpower ring that will let her find you if you're in danger. Leliana will probably have done something nice but I've never done that romance. Zevran gives you an earring that he took off of some hot guy he murdered as an assassin. Alistair gives you a rose and also his virginity.

Okay, so now you go to Orzammar, the dwarven city. It's one of TWO surviving dwarven kingdoms. There used to be, like, 12, or a similar archetypal number, but the darkspawn ate got rid of them. Orzammar was the only officially known one, but there's another called Kal Sharok that we've never seen in game except in text form. Kal Sharok has some serious goth vibes to it. Also, they hate Orzammar because Orzammar survived by cutting themselves off before it was too late back when the darkspawn first starting ruining things for everyone.

Anyway, Orzammar. There's political strife there because the old king is dead. There's currently a political battle between the late king's son, Bhelen, and the late king's trusted adviser and friend, Lord Harrowmont. Harrowmont is a traditionalist, but Bhelen is a populist who also murdered his own brother and framed his other sibling, leading to that sibling getting sentenced to death. The fandom has a bunch of opinions on this.

When you first enter Orzammar, you see a scuffle between loyalists of these factions, and some Bhelen Bros do some killing. Not a great first impression. Long, long story short, you have to Stop All Crimes in Orzammar and also fight as a gladiator on Harrowmont's behalf to give him a boost to try to make him king. Which is great, but Bhelen pulls some nonsense, so the dwarven Assembly that chooses the next king is deadlocked so they need a Paragon—dwarves revere ancestors and The Stone but they also revere their equivalent of Nobel Prize Winners even if they're shitty people. So Harrowmont says that he'll give you all of the help that you like . . . when he's king. But he can only be king if you find the Paragon to break the Assembly's tie.

Oghren, who is just drunken dwarven Yosemite Sam but he's voiced by Zeb so it could be worse, is married to Paragon Branka, who's been missing in the Deep Roads for years. So he insists on coming along with you.

I should note that no one should bring Shale too far into the Deep Roads (ancient darkspawn-infested highways, but don't worry, there are also giant spiders) because certain choices may lead to Shale fighting you. Also, in Orzammar itself, there's a dwarf who wants to open a chantry in Orzammar, a place untouched by Andraste-worship, and I consider it an oversight that the devs did not give players the option to tip him into some lava. There are some other people who ask you for favors.

Two of the best rings in the game are in Orzammar. One is the Key to the City and you get it by nerding out with codex entries. The other is Lifegiver and it just really, really helps your health in a way that no ring has since then. You can also visit Dust Town, where outcast dwarves live. You have to, in fact. It's even worse than regular dwarf places.

Speaking of worse than dwarf places, the Deep Roads. You go there and they're horrible carverns full of monsters. Darkspawn, giant spiders, and these things called deepstalkers that are shaped like little dinosaurs but are really just horrible worms with limbs. But while the Circle Tower was filled with stat boosts that make you more powerful, the Deep Roads make you rich, bitch.

You go through a number of thaigs, which are smaller dwarven settlements that they refer to as “like colonies.” But of course they're full of monsters. Also some ghosts? But dwarf ghosts. Ultimately, you find out how darkspawn are made, and it's awful. Every darkspawn that you see was born from a human or elf or dwarf or even qunari with a uterus who was dragged underground and turned into a big ol' Body Horror Ursula that can spawn thousands of darkspawn in her lifetime. So you kill the one that you meet.

Then you find Paragon Branka. It turns out that she's an evil lesbian who left Oghren behind but took her actual lover, but ended up sacrificing the people with her so that the women would be made into broodmothers because, despite being a genius, she was unable to get past Paragon Caridin's traps that protect The Anvil of the Void, which is used for the lost art of creating golems, the ultimate anti-darkspawn weapons. She wants to use it to reclaim territory long since lost to darkspawn. You fight your way through the traps because it's kind of a puzzle but mostly just a murder-puzzle, and then you reach the Anvil. At this point, you meet Caridin himself, who is a giant steel golem and he's like “hey so I invented this a long time ago, but you have to murder a dwarf to make one, and after we plum ran out of volunteers, the king at the time started sending prisoners and his political enemies and I got weirded out so he had me made into one but, whoops, he didn't make a control rod for me.”

This is why you don't bring Shale: Shale will help Caridin, and personally, I always side with Branka even though she's a nightmare, because recovering the lost art of making golems seems worth it. It's not like there's any shortage of bad people in the world and the Warden slaughters hundreds of people anyway; this is just a more practical use for those lives.

Once Caridin is dead (when you get back to camp, you pick the lie option with Shale), Branka's like “hell yeah” and makes you a crown for whichever king you like. She gives zero fucks about politics. You come back, turn in a bunch of quests, and Bhelen and his Bros make a fuss so you kill them real good. Harrowmont is crowned and you're honored forever. Harrowmont makes it clear that he knows where his bread is buttered, and he pledges the dwarven support against the Blight. So now the mages and the dwarves are ready to help.

You head to Warden's Keep, which is where you learn some neat old history and make some choices. Personally, I befriend an ancient blood mage warden named Avernus who's amazing at summoning demons but not so great at controlling them. He helps you and you get a potion from him that gives you some DLC powers but mostly I just like him.

This is probably a good time to swing by Denerim and visit The Pearl, their best brothel. For some quests (long story) but also to meet Isabela, an important character and also one who knows Zevran very well. They are two peas in a pod and she's a delight and you can have a threesome with her and Zevran. Or her and Leliana. Or her and Alistair if Alistair has been hardened. Anyway, it's great, and Dragon Age 2 will remember that if you import this save.

There's some Denerim stuff to do but mostly it involves fighting Rundown Backstreet Boys, and you head to the Brecilian Forest to find a clan of Dalish elves. They're nomadic, and they're led by Tuvok from Voyager who was also the principal on iCarly. He's kind of grumpy but he's 300 years old, which is very unusual for elves who live human life spans. But since they say that elves were once all immortal, they figure that he's just, like, reclaiming his roots better than most. Somehow. Anyway, he's the Keeper of that clan so he's both mage and leader. Turns out that these elves are fighting some Big Sexy Werewolves. Eventually, Principal Tuvok gets you to promise to kill Witherfang, the boss wolf. There's a whole lot of nonsense in the forest including an entire set of Haunted Evil Armor that you can earn but it's not that great tbh. Wynne's old student is hiding in the woods also. You learn about the elves and the Creators, their small pantheon of gods whom they worship but they believe that they were sealed away by the Dread Wolf, their trickster figure who's regarded as a sort of devil but still honored. Oh, the Dalish have tattoos. It's worth noting that this is not the same clan as the Dalish Warden's, if that's your origin.

Also, there's a guy and girl trying to find love, and you can play matchmaker. You can also bang one or the other. You can bang one and play matchmaker. Video games are great.

So, you go into an old ruin where the werewolves are like “yeah okay we'll take you to our leader.” Yeah, they talk. Swiftrunner does most of the werewolf talking because he's the sexiest.

A naked planet lady spirit with POWERFUL Tilda Swinton energies about her is Witherfang, but they call her The Lady Of The Forest. She reveals that Principal Tuvok cursed some humans centuries ago by binding the spirit of the forest with blood magic and linking that spirit to a curse. So he turned a local spirit that was mostly just chill and, like, “hey look, trees” into a naked plant Tilda Swinton who is basically the horcrux to the werewolf curse. At the same time, Principal Tuvok (whose real name is Zathrian, btw) is also a horcrux to the curse, which is why he's lived so long. You fight him but you force him to lift the curse in the end. These werewolves, descendants of the bad humans from 300 years ago, are turned back into wildly less sexy humans. Tilda dies (really she just returns to her former state, maybe in a lesser form). Tuvok dies. The elves are chill about it though since their own people who were infected with the werewolf curse are cured.

So now the Mages, the Dwarves, and the Dalish Elves have pledged their support. But you need the human majority to form an effective army against the looming darkspawn threat, who by this point have razed like half of Ferelden. Oh, you can stop by Ostagar for some Closure and some cool gear too. It's snowier now.

Now it's time for the Landsmeet in Denerim. You go to the Arl of Denerim's estate where you learn that Queen Anora, Loghain's daughter and Cailan's widow, is being held captive by Arl Tim Curry so that she can't oppose her father's plans. Tim Curry has been doing Loghain's dirty work because he's a fucking monster, and Loghain's been giving a stupid number of titles to him.

Anyway, Anora's maid offers you some guard uniforms so that you can sneak in to see Anora, but, fun fact: you can't call the guards if there are no guards.

By this point you're an absolute nightmare to fight. My Warden uses blood magic to immobilize and damage entire rooms, then roasts the immobilized victims. It's a delight. The entrance to the torture chambers is in Tim Curry's bedroom, so that tells you a lot. You find a guy name Riordan who is a fellow warden from Jader (in Orlais, fantasy france). He's naked and not up for helping yet so you keep on killing some folks. You resolve a couple of quests while here, then you kill Tim Curry. It's what she deserves.

You rescue Anora, but then Ser Cauthrien, Loghain's warrior lady, comes with a small goddamn army to arrest you. You can apparently surrender but literally why would anyone ever surrender? Ser Cauthrien is a goddamn nightmare to fight; they should have just sent her against the archdemon she could fucking solo it. Anyway, her escorts die in fire and blood super fast, but she takes a while longer, but I always have two healers for this so you take her down in the end. Then you meet Anora back at Arl Eamon's.

Two things happen there. One, Anora tells you that her dad is doing some fucked up scheme stuff in the alienage, which is the elven ghetto. Two, you guys need to think about how you want the Landsmeet to go. For most players, the Best Ending is going to involve marrying a hardened Alistair to Anora. She's super competent, he's both nice and of royal lineage. A perfect combo.

Now you go the alienage, where there's a “plague.” That plague is in fact just a cover for some slavers from Tevinter to bring in new elven stock. They are paying Loghain a tremendous amount of gold to fund his civil war (not everyone was chill with him usurping the throne, natch) in exchange for who knows how many slaves. The elves figure that something is wrong but it's under the guise of a “quarantine” and they're elves, so it's not like they have rights.

But might makes right, so you show these “healers” your permit (it's murder) and then you kill your way through and free the slaves who were just about to be shipped off. That cuts off Loghain's flow of gold and also it's a thing that you COULD bring up at the Landsmeet, but the human nobles won't so don't.

Okay, so it's the Landsmeet. This can go down a few ways, but the best thing is to mention selective things after having curried favor with the right nobles during your Denerim shenanigans. Denerim is just the capitol city, if I didn't mention it. So one noble will be like “yeah Loghain had my brother tortured” and while Loghain will blame things on Tim Curry, it doesn't look great for him. Anora also puts him on blast.

At this point, it becomes clear that Loghain is paranoid that this is all an Evil Orlesian Plot because like 30 years ago Orlais had invaded and were shitty to Ferelden. Well, Orlais is under new management and Loghain is just a dick.

The Landsmeet votes, and Loghain wants to duel. If you're marrying Alistair and Anora to each other, you should do the duel. Only if you're planning to marry Anora (as a male Cousland) should you let Alistair duel Loghain, as Anora is fine with deposing Loghain but a little squeamish about marrying the dude who cuts off her dad's head.

Just as you're about to behead Loghain, Riordan comes in and is like “oh we have the stuff to do the Joining, we could make him a warden??” And the game let's you say no but doesn't let you yell obscenities at Riordan for even saying something so stupid to you. Because Loghain was a hero once but he's, um, the worst.

Like, Zevran tried to kill me, but only once, and that was before he knew me. I have limits on how many times you can try to kill me, and all of Loghain's attempts were after meeting and speaking with me. Avada Kedavra, bitch. (Keeping Loghain alive has various consequences and I don't want to get into it)

So after Loghain's beheaded, everyone makes haste to prep to fight the darkspawn, which involves rallying the bannorn at Redcliffe. You fight some darkspawn there, but it's not the main horde.

In the mean time, Riordan is like “oh by the way, Warden and also Alistair, whichever one of us kills the archdemon will also die, that's the only way to keep it from respawning.” So fuck. But then you go back to your room, and Morrigan is there because she's WONDERFUL. Anyway, she did know this all along, but she knows a magic sex ritual referred to in the fandom as the Dark Ritual. If a Grey Warden knocks her up that very night in this ritual, she'll conceive what the fandom calls an Old God Baby. Basically, the zygote will bear the taint (even though wardens can't usually reproduce at all), and when the archdemon is slain, she can draw the no-longer-tainted soul of the tainted old god into her womb and create a healthy, non-tainted child with the soul of an Old God. “Some things are worth preserving.” I agree but also I'd never turn down Morrigan, so I do it because I make good choices.

If you're a lady warden, you have to talk Alistair into it, which is just delightful. He and Morrigan don't get along but he takes one for the team.

So, after this, everyone marches for Denerim, where the darkspawn horde has headed. Denerim's seen better days. It's on fire. The archdemon is there, and it looks like a fucked up dragon with, like, some kind of spiky cancer? It's not good. It breathes purple fire which is honestly goals, though. Riordan manages to damage the dragon's wing during the battle, but then he dies. Alas.

But his sacrifice makes the archdemon need to land on the top of this huge-ass fortress, so you just have to murder every darkspawn in the city and the every darkspawn in the fortress until you get on the roof, where you fight the archdemon.

Your recruited allies are fighting along with the human army, of course. You can call for help on the rooftop. Personally, I call the mages because they're my boys. Anyway, you do eventually kill the archdemon. You can choose in advance who should do the killing blow, and if you didn't do Morrigan's ritual, that person dies. Yes, you can order Alistair to die.

Then there's a celebration. You can ask for a boon from King Alistair (I always ask for the teynir of Gwaren, which was Loghain's but he's dead now). Sten is going back to Qunari lands and Shale is planning to adventure with Wynne.

DRAGON AGE: ORIGINS: AWAKENING

Gonna keep this one extra brief. Like, six months after you ended the Fifth Blight in like a year, where most last decade at least, some new talking darkspawn show up in Amaranthine, the former arling of Tim Curry, which Alistair has granted to the Wardens. You head over to take over and the castle is under attack, which is honestly kind of funny because you killed an archdemon six months ago and you haven't gotten LESS powerful since then. Awesome Lady Who Will Die helps you fight, and you encounter Anders, an apostate mage who's a talented healer, and Oghren, who for some reason couldn't just live his dwarf life and had to show up in this fucking expansion, who's decided to become a Grey Warden.

So you kill darkspawn and you encounter one of these talking darkspawn which is unsettling, because that's not normal for these things. Once the castle is purged, Anders and Oghren take the Joining and so does Awesome lady Who Will Die, but she doesn't make it.

Oh, remember Arl Howe (Tim Curry?). Well, he had a son named Nathaniel who is real good at archery and sneaking, and he tried to break into the castle to kill you before you even arrived. He's under the impression that his dad was killed for, like, political reasons, and not because his dad was a fucking monster.

In a creepy forest, you meet Grey Delisle As An Angry Elf Mage and recruit her because she's trying to find her sister. You meet the Architect, a weird darkspawn spell-caster whose design is unique and who seems like a huge nerd. You even get the impression that he means well. But he does not join you, for sure.

In a haunted fucking swamp called THE BLACKMARSH there was this awesome Orlesian baroness who lived there but was Bathorying it up to stay young, and she cursed the whole place, but to be clear it was already called THE BLACKMARSH, fuck. This is the place where you find out what a BLIGHT WEREWOLF is and I cannot emphasize enough how absolutely unacceptable that is to me. You fix all of that stuff but it's still THE BLACKMARSH. Here, you met a spirit named Justice (it's literally an embodiment of Justice) that eventually possesses the corpse of a fallen Grey Warden.

By this point, it's clear that there are two factions of intelligent, “Awakened” darkspawn. One works for something called The Mother, the others work for The Architect.

You go into the Deep Roads (ahhhh) to an abandoned thaig that was used for making certain types of special golems back in the day, but is now full of darkspawn of course. You meet a member of the Legion of the Dead, a group of dwarves who hold a funeral service when they join because they exist only to fight darkspawn. Her fellows were slaughtered and she ran and feels weird about it but you let her join you and she becomes a Grey Warden, too.

During all of this, you're making political decisions and sitting in judgment and shutting down a rebellion by local nobles and doing some city quests in Amaranthine proper. (Amaranthine is on the northern coast, by the way)

Well, The Mother's forces attack the city and it's awful but you kill them. You go to fight her, and you can let the Architect help you. I can kill him but . . . eh. Oh, by the way, he can fly.

The Mother is a broodmother who was once human. The Architect “awoke” decades ago and was like “hmmm, why are other darkspawn so fucking dumb?” And he discovered that he could make them drink Grey Warden blood and it would give them awareness and, like, personhood. But when he tried it on a broodmother, who was not born a darkspawn but made that way, she was full of agony because she could no longer “hear the song.” So she's just being awful and lashing out.

(lots of things, from certain mind-control magic to lyrium to the call of the old gods, is referred to that way)

It is revealed during the final fight against The Mother that the Architect accidentally caused the Fifth Blight when he tried to safely awaken that Old God without tainting it but accidentally tainted it in the process. Shucks.

You kill The Mother and the day is saved. Again.

DRAGON AGE II

Remember the (doomed) town of Lothering that you visited in Dragon Age: Origins? Well, there was a buff af person named Something Hawke there who had younger siblings (twins) named Bethany and Carver. Bethany is a mage, Carver hits stuff with a sword, Hawke can be male or female and any class. No matter which Hawke you choose, they're a ridiculous disaster.

(Mine is a male mage)

The Hawke family's mages (your dead dad, Bethany, and anyone with a mage Hawke) are all apostates. Bethany and Hawke have never seen the inside of a Circle, and they've all hidden in plain sight in Lothering for all of their lives.

Carver is a buff warrior guy but he has a huge and arguably well-deserved inferiority complex from being Hawke's baby brother and, let's face it, from not being a mage in a family that has mages.

Bethany is absolutely darling and extremely easy to get along with. Just, like, be nice and don't oppress anyone.

The game stars with all three siblings and their mom (Leandra) fleeing from the Blight back in 9:30 Dragon. Darkspawn are on their heels. You fight mostly hurlocks, but then you run across a Big Strong Ginger Woman named Aveline and her husband, who is a templar but he's too Dying of the Blight (contamination caused by darkspawn blood) to care that Bethany and perhaps Hawke are mages.

Unfortunately, you guys eventually fight an ogre, and darkspawn got a redesign after Origins, so ogres are no longer quite as sexy as they once were. Anyway, if you are a warrior or a rogue, the ogre murders Carver. If you play a mage, as I do, Bethany gets murdered before your eyes, which is why I waited a year before playing DA2.

You also have to euthanize Aveline's dying husband because otherwise he'll either die super slowly or, more likely, become a ghoul which is just a tainted person who feels compelled to serve the darkspawn. It's gross.

Then even more darkspawn attack, but then a big ol' dragon flies in and roasts them and then shapeshifts and it's . . . Flemeth! She's no longer dressed like a poor old lady but like someone's slutty battle-grandma and it's amazing. Flemeth talks to you for a bit and then makes a deal with Hawke—you take this little necklace that's Totally Normal to Keeper Marethari of a Dalish elf clan that's near Kirkwall, since you guys are headed to Gwaren to catch a refugee ship to Kirkwall (a city-state in the Free Marches, which is north of Ferelden across the Amaranthine). In exchange, she'll escort you across Ferelden, incinerating any darkspawn that give you trouble. That's one hell of a deal.

You arrive at Kirkwall, which still has huge statues of slaves in anguish everywhere. The city was once the center of the Tevinter Imperium's slave trade, and it is full of yikes. The city's Circle is on an island fortress called The Gallows where slaves were broken, so the mages are, uh, not living their best lives. Like, there's no such thing as a good internment camp, but this is probably the worst one. It's gonna come up a lot.

So, you're a refugee, and there are plenty of people in Kirkwall who are like “Ferelden isn't sending their best. They're sending crime. They're sending drugs. They're rapists” etc so the gates are shut. But your mom's whole reason for coming here is because she's from Kirkwall, and she's like wait I have a brother who lives here and his name is Gamlen. Well, Gamlen is no longer a noble even though their whole family was. He is in fact a a gambler, which has to be where his name originates, right? So he lost the Amell Estate (her maiden name was Amell, the same surname as a human mage Warden) and he lives in a little hovel in part of Kirkwall that's called Lowtown. So basically, you make a deal to work as either a smuggler or mercenary for one year to get into Kirkwall and to get a Fantasy Green Card. Oh, and you're working off some of Gamlen's debts in the first place. Nice uncle.

Fast-forward one year, and it's the beginning of Act I. You're done working off your debt, but you're like “wait . . . I need a job, fuck.” You, your sibling, your mom, and your mabari hound (not a companion character this time, but an NPC whom you can summon into battle as a battle pet) are all living in Gamlen's little hovel. However, a smooth-talking dwarf character named Varric Tethras, recognizable for lacking a beard but having chest hair instead, has a proposition for you. He and his shifty, President Business brother are going on a Deep Roads expedition, and by now, Hawke has worked up a reputation for himself while Carver has impressed fewer people. Classic Carver. So he says that if you become an investor, you can come along and split the reward. Oh, Varric has a Super Advanced Crossbow straight out of, like, Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters.

If you've played The Witcher, Varric is just the gem fusion of Zoltan and Dandelion. He's a dwarf who talks too much. But he's also good at business. He's a surface dwarf. Very likable.

Well, you set about trying to make money. One thing that you also need is to contact a rumored Grey Warden in town. By this point, the Blight has been over for months and the legend of the Hero of Ferelden has spread to the local NPCs. You go into Darktown, old mining tunnels and sewers beneath the city where the homeless live, where a rumored Grey Warden apostate mage has set up a clinic to heal the needy. It's Anders, from Awakening!! He's a little—a lot—more serious, now. He still loves cats. Also, remember the spirit of Justice? He lives inside of Anders now, but it's voluntary.

You also recruit a pirate named Isabela. She's my favorite companion in DA2 because she's a treasure. Her ship crashed in Kirkwall a while back . . . around the same time that the Qunari shipwrecked and Kirkwall just gave them a walled off part of the city by the docks to live. Hmmm.

Aveline now works for the city guard, making her ideal for Kirkwall/Brooklyn Nine-Nine comparisons, and she'll help you with her sword and shield. She's great.

You also end up going to visit the Dalish to fulfill your end of the bargain. You recruit Merrill, from the Dalish Elf Origin Warden. She's the Keeper's First (apprentice) but Keeper Marethari is sending her away because she keeps trying to restore what the elves have lost, and Marethari doesn't trust Merrill to not fuck it up and doom them all. Which is unfair, because Merrill is WONDERFUL.

Merrill helps you fulfill your deal with Flemeth so she takes the necklace up to this cursed as fuck mountain and Flemeth pops out of the necklace. It was a horcrux. Remember when you “killed” Flemeth in Origins? Surprise bitch. Anyway, Flemeth has some vague things to say to both Hawke and Merrill and then she just jumps off the mountain and turns into a dragon to fly back to Ferelden to do whatever it is that terrifying dragon-witches do for fun.

Merrill, by the way, is a blood mage. Which is to say that she uses blood to improve the power of her spells and to perform some spells that an ordinary mage cannot do. Good for her.

You also recruit Twink Wolverine. He's a brown-skinned elf with platinum blond hair and lyrium tattoos all over his body which gives him special powers and he lost his memory as this special magical metal was implanted in him but now he can kill people by ripping out their hearts.

You get a quest from a handsome blue-eyed fellow named Sebastian, but he is arguably the least fun person that anyone has ever met in their lives. He'll join your party in Act 2. He was noble-born and he used to be a huge Party Slut but now he's dedicated to the chantry but not entirely a part of it he just really likes Grand Cleric Elthina but he's torn because his family back in Starkhaven (another city-state in the Marches) has been murdered so he's like Do I Love Fire Jesus More Or My Responsibilities???

You reclaim the deed to the Amell Estate, which by the way was never Gamlen's to sell he's just a little shit. Your home was bought by slavers because it's connected to an extensive wine cellar that they could use to smuggle captive slaves out. How nice. Anyway, that'll be great once you have money again.

Eventually, you amass enough gold to buy in to the Deep Roads Expedition. You get to choose which characters come with you, which is great, except that your choices are actually pretty limited. First of all, Varric is coming along, so there's your rogue. Anders is a Grey Warden, so it only makes sense for him to come along, and he'll be very important later. Finally, your sibling. If Carver stays behind while you spend weeks underground, he'll join the templars. Ostensibly to protect you from within, but really because his life is directionless and he's, bless him, stupid. Worse, if Bethany stays behind, she will be captured by templars and brought to The Gallows. The game does not dance around how absolutely appallingly awful the lives of the mages are there. Better for her to risk her life in the Monster Tunnels than get carted off to Sexual Assault Island. If you bring a sibling to the Deep Roads, you absolutely must bring Anders.

On top of those very practical reasons for taking a Varric-Anders-Carver squad, Merrill is used to living in the woods and Isabela gets claustrophobic and Aveline has a real job. Fenris could come, sure, but you'd have to leave someone behind and that sucks.

So, you explore for a while, and Varric's brother, President Business, is grumpy about everything. After a lot of exploring, you guys find a room with a curious red idol. President Business takes it and locks an old, rock-solid dwarven door to trap you guys in so that he can reap the profits. His name is Bartrand by the way and anyway he sucks. So you guys have to find your way out, which means a lot of fighting and nonsense. You do find some Big Treasure so that's cool, but not as cool as living, so you need to make it to the surface.

Unfortunately, Carver starts to get sick towards the end. The darkspawn taint. Not wanting him to die, Anders will guide you to some Grey Wardens and you persuade them to take him and give him the Joining before it's too late. But Carver leaves your party. By the way, DA2 is actually evil because when someone leaves your party, they just take all of the equipment that you were wearing, so you'll want to save often and, when the time is right, just strip Carver of his weapons and equipment.

So you return to the surface without your twin but you, um, hope he lives. But you're rich, bitch. President Business has fled, presumably with his riches. And you now have lots of money and move into the Amell Estate, which is now the Hawke Estate. Your mom is happy-ish. Honestly, the game was rushed, but I wish that the interior of the estate had been less symbolic because it's only like three rooms. You go into similar buildings elsewhere in Hightown and they're huge and nice and have courtyard gardens. Anyway, that's all fixed in Dragon Age Inquisition. And in our imaginations.

Act 2 begins, and you can get Sebastian to join you. He does Archery for Fire Jesus. The big issue this time around is the Qunari. They're still here. It's been three got dam years and they're still just loitering in that one part of the docks. Fuck. Also, the Viscount's son Seamus is almost certainly getting fucked by one and the Viscount is just like “look it's fine that he likes Big Horned Bois but it looks bad because the Qunari aren't Andrastian.” This bitch Sister Petrice also keeps trying to rope you into doing “good stuff” but surprise, it's bad stuff. Anti-Qunari sentiments are riding high. Seamus dies. Petrice dies. There are other shenanigans.

In Act 2 you can finally romance people. After three years. The timing of things in this game is odd and also Fenris is extremely difficult to romance for no good reason. He, by the way, is still on the run from his former owner, a Magister who gave him his tatoos. Again, Fenris is literally just Twink Wolverine on the run from Weapon X. Fenris, Isabela, Anders, and Merrill are all bi romances. You can choose whomever, but feel free to headcanon a beautiful poly thing going on with all of them. Sebastian, by the way, is a chaste romance for a female Hawke who sides with templars. Mind you, this isn't an ace romance, this is explicitly an “I'd love to bang you, I would, but Andraste doesn't want me to be happy” arrangement.

The biggest event is that a magical serial killer (for whom you've searched before) kills your mom. His name is Quentin and he cuts off her head and sows it onto a Frankenbody and is like “ah, yes, finally I've made my perfect wife” and so you have to kill him and then your frankenmom has a few moments of agonizing awareness as she dies in your lap. Fuck this.

By the way, Gamlen visits sometimes but he doesn't even live in the estate with you. Lol.

There's some other stuff. Hawke cleans the streets (murders thugs) on behalf of the Friends of Red Jenny, a mysterious organization for whom The Warden also once did a favor. Hawke explores the Wounded Coast, earns a stake in a mine called THE BONE PIT by killing the problems that arise there, and enters the Fade to help a young Dreamer mage. Those are mages who are just super good at Fade stuff. You help some mages with freedom stuff. There are also some Tal Vashoth (ex Qunari) hanging out beyond the city but some of them are up to no good because they've never been allowed to make choices before and aren't making good ones.

You help Isabela recover something from a former acquaintance, and then she leaves you. But she's wonderful and can do whatever she likes.

At the end of this Act, you have the unenviable task of making a demand of the Arishok. Because these qunari who have washed up here, though they haven't explained why they're here, are there with the head of one entire branch of their government. The Arishok is the head of the Qunari military, though of course he's every bit the slave to the Qun itself as everyone else. When you insist that he turn over some criminals, he's like “you know what? I guess it's time to murder everyone” so the Qunari go on a Big Horned Boi rampage and kill lots of guards. In the end, Hawke and Aveline and the templars and mages fight their way to the Viscount's Keep, where the Arishok has taken the Viscount's head. They're planning to forcibly convert the entire city-state but, if you think about it, they didn't have the numbers to hold that forever. It seems like the Arishok, who like all Qunari believes that existence is the only real choice, was committing suicide because he'd failed on his real mission: to retrieve the Tome of Koslun. Since the rules prevented him from returning empty-handed but he was losing his damn mind in Kirkwall, he waited for an excuse and went for it.

Isabela comes back and gives him her secret prize—the Tome of Koslun, which she had stolen to begin with and that's what she had when she and her Qunari pursuers were shipwrecked during a thunderstorm. She lost it and the Arishok didn't have it so they were both in limbo. Anyway, now Isabela's like “here's your fucking sacred book leave please, look at me I'm responsible!!” and Hawke's heart fills with joy but the Arishok is like “cool also we're taking Isabela we're gonna, you know, torture her until she dies or joins the Qun probably” so he and Hawke (if Hawke has earned his respect, which he has) will duel and it is TERRIFYING but you win eventually. You get declared Champion of Kirkwall just as Knight-Commander Meredith of the templars comes in. She's like a combat Jessica Lange if that makes sense. You can basically see the Kill Bill sirens going off in her head as she sees you getting celebrated by the nobles. She's the head of the worst group of templars in all of Thedas, so she's about what you'd expect. She's less openly sinister than some of her subordinates, because she seems like a true believer. More of a Mike Pence than a Ted Cruz, if that makes sense.

Act 3 technically has a lot of content (you see Carver again, now a Grey Warden—you also saw him during the Qunari thing—and you see Nathaniel Howe, also a Grey Warden) but it feels like it goes by faster than the previous two. This one is all about Mages VS Templars. Obviously, people are welcome to RP any kind of characters they like. Maybe one who would oppress innocent people for political capitol or whatever. But this isn't a “gray morality” situation. Literally one group is imprisoned for being born because they are, as people, potentially dangerous. The other group isn't a law enforcement group, they are literally just internment camp guards, with a side of a-youth-pastor-who-is-also-a-cop.

There are a couple of big DLCs, however. One is Mark of the Assassin, where Felicia Day thoroughly explores the Uncanny Valley as Tallis, an elf who serves the Qun. She wants you to join her on a HEIST. And Hawke is like “sure! Fuck rich people!” but Hawke is a rich people. Anyway, you go to Chateau Haine to a big ol' party by a fancy Orlesian noble, but this chataeu is in the Vinmark Mountains so it's still in the Free Marches. You're genuinely a guest. You seduce the host's son so that Fantasy Felicia Day can get some keys or something. There's a wyvern hunt. You fight some little gremlin things called ghasts that come up so little that you wonder if they're canon or just something that Hawke hallucinated. But in Inquisition, Blackwall mentions them in a bit of party banter, but you only hear that if you voluntarily take Blackwall to many places, so . . . I sure didn't hear the line. I just know that it exists. It turns out that Tallis lied to you, and this Heart of the Many thing isn't a gem, it's a list of Qunari sleeper agents throughout Thedas and your host is planning to auction it.

Now, fuck the Qunari, I'm fine with that, but she says that some of them are just retired. And technically, Iron Bull would be one of them, so whatever it's fine I guess. You fight some Tal Vashoth but also kill your host.

The other DLC is more Plot Important, because you and Carver are both being targeted by mercenaries who want to kidnap you because, like the Red Cross, they need your blood. Unlike the Red Cross, they're probably not a shady organization that can't seem to account for the donations that they receive. They're just straightforward kidnappers.

Anyway, some Bad Dwarves hired them to kidnap you, and these dwarves have lost their got dam minds and also have been drinking darkspawn blood to deliberately taint themselves because they've been hearing the call of some entity. You end up helping an old Grey Warden named Larius or something like that. See, Malcolm Hawke, your dead dad, was once kidnapped by Grey Wardens and forced to reinforce some old blood magic seals on a magical prison. No Grey Warden could do it. So he did and they let him leave. Now, these bad guys need your blood to break these seals. To solve this, you enter the prison level by level, discovering in the process that the reimagined darkspawn known as genlocks in DA2 are less like squat little hurlocks and are now more like magic-resistant gorillas. Yikes. Anyway, there's another Grey Warden faction in play but it doesn't matter. You reach the end and there's a unique-looking darkspawn who, in his dreams, had been trying to draw you to him. He was imprisoned during, like, the First Blight by Wardens in this special magical prison. His name is Corypheus, and he says that he was one of the Magisters Sidereal who entered the Fade in the flesh and found the Golden City empty, and felt tricked and betrayed by the Old Gods. He had been High Priest o Dumat. Now he's just super confused. He does get his wits about him and fight you, and it's one hell of a fight, but then you kill him. Then you see Larius walking away with a sinister smile for the camera. So, you know, that's fine.

Back in Kirkwall, the mages-vs-templars thing is even more intense because Meredith is the worst. Did I mention that Cullen, from Ferelden, is part of Meredith's group of templars? He's super anti-mage at this point because of what happened in Ferelden and he actually says “mages are not people like you and me” to Hawke. First of all, awful. Second of all, hilarious when speaking to a male Hawke. Anders has been doing Underground Railroad stuff which is more and more popular as the treatment of mages gets worse and worse.

Oh, and there's a haunted house where President Business was for a while. Varric has his brother, driven mad by the red lyrium idol, sent to a sanitarium, but it's clearly dangerous stuff and left a house feeling haunted.

Long, long story short, Meredith tightens her fist even further (all mages are confined to their rooms at all times, basically, and more and more are made Tranquil every day, it seems). But First Enchanter Orsino feels that he has no choice but to go along with it because otherwise she'll just kill him and maybe everyone else. Well, this is when Anders blows up the chantry with Grand Cleric Elthina, who's just sort of letting all of this play out instead of taking action, inside. Anders' goal is to force the mages to fight off their oppressors instead of going quietly to either die or to continue to live like this. Anders then offers to let Hawke kill him. You totally can, but my Hawke is always like “lol know I just wish you'd told me so that I'd know that I was helping you, but I get it.” Sebastian wigs out and vows revenge but literally who cares.

Meredith declares the Rite of Annulment, which is when you kill every mage in a Circle, including the children. Anders is not and never has been part of the Kirkwall Circle but that's hardly the point. You all go fight to defend the mages. There's a stupid thing where Orsino turns into a boss fight because EA felt that they needed another boss battle, but that's dumb. Anyway, you fight off Meredith and then you learn that she purchased that red lyrium idol from President Business and had it fused to the hilt of her sword. Templars use regular lyrium to fuel their anti-magic powers, but red lyrium clearly has different effects.

Meredith is the final boss fight, and her sword makes her tough to fight. It also lets her animate some nearby statues. Sure. She turns into a red lyrium statue at the end. Yikes. You guys can leave on Isabela's ship.

Varric has told all of this to his interrogator, Cassandra Pentaghast, a Seeker who answers directly to the Divine. Cassandra meets up with Leliana, who also works for the Divine, perhaps partially out of wlw solidarity. They're looking for the Champion of Kirkwall (Hawke), but just like the Hero of Ferelden, he seems to be missing.

DRAGON AGE: ASUNDER

A novel. In it, Wynne's son who is a mage and spirit healer like his mom (from whom he was separated as an infant because the templars are the worst) is in the White Spire, the #1 Circle of Magi situated in Val Royeaux, the capitol of Orlais. Unfortunately, there have been mysterious murders said to be carried out by some sort of Ghost Twink. Turns out, it's a boy named Cole and he's not invisible, he just makes people forget him. But Rhys, Wynne's son, remembers him. Everything is stricter now because of what happened in Kirkwall. So, a brief summary:

-Cole the Ghost Twink is a spirit who took the form of an abused boy mage who died because templars literally forgot that they'd locked him up in his cell. The spirit didn't know how to help him so it just became him. It's been killing people who want to die, which is a huge bummer.

-the Divine secretly ordered a Tranquil to investigate whether or not Tranquility could be cured. It can be

-Grand Enchanter Fiona, Wynne, and Shale help start the Mage Rebellion, which spreads all across Thedas and includes the knowledge that Tranquility can be cured. Shale personally smashes the phylacteries that templars would be able to use to track down mages when they leave.

-the Templar Order and the Seekers leave the chantry because they feel that the Divine is too soft on mages

-a nice templar (relatively) named Evangeline falls in love with Rhys. She gets killed but Wynne, who held a Spirit of Faith in her ever since the Bad Events in the Ferelden Circle during the Blight, transfers that Spirit of Faith into her to save her. Wynne dies but Evangeline lives.

-the current Lord Seeker is planning to crush the mage rebellion. Cole kills him. It's what he deserves.

DRAGON AGE: THE MASKED EMPIRE

A novel. Empress Celine is Orlais' ruling lesbian and she encourages art and scholarly pursuits and enlightenment. She, too, dreams of expansion—like any responsible ruler—but she wants to do it with diplomacy and alliances and the economy instead of just smash-stabbing. Briala is her elven spy chief and also her lover since they were both young. Her bodyguard is Ser Michel de Chalons, a skilled swordsman obsessed with honor and harboring a “terrible” secret. Her rival is her cousin, Grand Duke Gaspard, and he wants to Make Orlais Great Again by conquering Ferelden and Nevarra and beyond.

Michel's “terrible” secret is that he's, gasp, of elven lineage. Biologically, half-elves are just humans. This is meaningless but Orlesian culture is ridiculous and humans are even more ridiculous.

Briala's mentor for many years has been a mage named Felassan who is himself a spy and, despite his tattoos that would indicate that he is Dalish, really doesn't seem to be Dalish at all.

Well, Gaspard outs Celine's relationship with Briala, which causes a scandal. He then ambushes her and her forces while she's vulnerable, but does not succeed in taking her. Eventually, Briala, Celene, Gaspard, Felassan, and a couple of others are separated from their armies and go on an adventure through an eluvian, an ancient elven mirror. Gaspard is honorable but, like, having a code doesn't make you a good person, dude, it just makes you lawful evil. However, Briala and Celene have a falling out, Michel betrays Celene because of his own dumb honor code, and a Dalish clan gets wiped out by a demon named Imshael who insists upon being called a “Choice Spirit” instead of a Desire Demon. There's some really cool magic and lore stuff in this book and I strongly recommend it.

Anyway, Celene makes it to safety, but without her bodyguard or her lover/spymaster. Briala gets control of the Eluvian network (well, part of it) and plans to use it to instantly move groups of elves from place to place to make things better for her people. (Celene has gone out of her way to be pro-elf, by the way, largely from Briala's influence)

Felassan tells Briala goodbye and goes and sleeps and enters the Fade. An unidentified entity approaches him and asks if he got the access to the eluvians. He replies that he did not, by choice. The unidentified entity kills him instantly.

So there's an Orlesian Civil War going on and the elves are capitalizing on it (or trying to) during the Mage Rebellion and also there are some Other Shenanigans.

PS: at one point Imshael possessed a Dalish mage named Mithris. She appears in Inquisition, like many of these characters. But not Felassan because he's dead.

And that's what you missed on Glee.

[adaliacom105]

Blog 4 Of Bunnies and Aliens

Hello, once again, classmates, my professor, and readers! 

For this blog post, we will be talking about the films Fantastic Planet and Watership Down.

First, let’s give you a little background information about the two films. 

Fantastic Planet is a French animated film that came out in 1973 and is directed by Rene Laloux. The film takes place in the distant future on a planet named Ygam. On this planet, there are these beings called Draags living on it. Draags are giant blue human-like creatures with red eyes, no hair, and fin-like ears. In this film, the humans are the pets and are called Oms. The story centers on one Om, in particular, Terr. It goes through his life from pet to wild Om. Eventually, the Oms rise after enough exterminations take place. They end up reaching a peaceful agreement with the Draags and get their own moon to live on.

The second movie is Watership Down, an animated film from 1978 and directed by Martin Rosen. This film centers around a group of rabbits who escape from their burrow from impending danger. This group of rabbits then search for a new burrow to call home where they can hopefully stay safe from danger. Along the way, they encounter a burrow where a farmer has set traps for them by baiting food and another burrow with an oppressive rule. After escaping those two burrows, they find a good spot atop a hill, and then the task is to get female rabbits since they were all males. After the daunting task of taking them from the oppressive ruler, they end up living a pretty good life.

It might sound strange that a bunny movie and an alien movie have some things in common but in this case, they do have quite a bit in common with each other.

Both films have in common that both had a species looking for a safe place to call home. The bunnies were looking for a safe place to create a burrow where they wouldn’t be bothered by man and a high place where they could overlook everything and hear clearly in case of dangers. The Oms in Fantastic Planet wanted a place where they could live without fear of being exterminated by the Draggs or being domesticated by them.

Both films have an emphasis on both the act and product of procreation, basically getting kids. In Watership Down, the bunnies risk their lives on three separate occasions to get female rabbits so they could mate. Hazel and Pipkin went to a farm where they were breeding bunnies to break free the females. While trying to break the females out, they had to face a dog, a cat, and humans with guns. The third occasion had Bigwig infiltrate a burrow with an oppressive leader. It may not sound dangerous, but Woundwort, the burrow chief, looks very scary and is also known for attacking bunnies and will kill them. He is now an image that will haunt me. For Fantastic Planet, you have the Draags who do meditation, which allows them to leave their bodies and become like a transportation system. When they go into this meditative state, they go to one of their satellite planets named Wild Planet. There they take over these giant statues that look like Oms without heads or clothes. They then perform a dance for mating, and it’s how they keep their species alive. This can cause a danger to the Draags, for if something happens to their meditation forms, their real forms could end up blind or dead. The Oms would eat these unusual fruits that would allow them to glow at night. Afterward, the women would undress and runoff for the men to chase them to secluded spaces to mate. Doing this poses a threat to the Oms as it makes them visible during the night for predators and Draags to see.

The third thing the two have in common is the need for peace on both sides. In Watership Down, this can be seen when Hazel goes and tries to talk to Chief Woundwort first before he brings his comrades to fight their little burrow for the “treason” of Bigwig. Hazel does this knowing that there was a chance he was to get hurt by Woundwort and the protest of his fellow friends telling him not to go. Unfortunately, Hazel’s pleas for peace falls on deaf ears, and they go to battle. For Fantastic Planet, you have the Oms and the Draags fighting. When the Oms had made it to the Wild Planet and had messed with the Draags mediation and had caused some to go blind, they had realized that it would be better to have peace rather than destroy each other. Unfortunately, it took all that for it to happen, but they ended up reaching an agreement and gave the Oms their own satellite planet.

These aren’t the only things that both movies had in common; they both resemble a historic time in history.

These films remind me of some historical events as well.

Watership Down reminds me of Germany during World War 2. It reminds me of this because of the way Chief Woundwort runs his burrow. He monitors when the rabbits can go out, he marks them with scares and has his officer’s rabbits report to him anything strange to him, and won’t let any rabbits leave. So it reminds me of how the Jews were treated back then with armbands for markings, curfews, and the internment camps.

Fantastic Planet makes me think of animal rights and the civil rights movement. Animal rights are shown through the fact that it uses the approach “would you like it”? The story that is being told is literally if the humans were the pets instead of the animals we have today. While I would like to live the life of my “security” dog (she is overweight, half-blind, and 13 years old chihuahua; she isn’t that great security, she mostly naps), I would like not to fight other humans like they do in dog fights, cockfights, and probably any other animal fight type (I do not have her fight anything, she runs away from fights). I think of the Civil Rights movement because the movie is about one race thinking there superior to another. Some of the actions the South did against the slaves reminded me of the film as well. Like the lack of access to technology would be the same. Most slaves didn’t know how to read or write, and that would be because their owners didn’t want them to, which could be said the same for the Draags and Oms. So it would be the Draags over the Oms, so for real life, it would be the American Civil war with North vs. South. 

One other big that the two shares would be the battle between intellectuals and anti-intellectual.

In Fantastic Planet, this conflict takes place with the Oms. When Terr had brought back a teaching headset, it had allowed the Oms a way to learn. Some wanted to learn from it, and others thought of it as enemy technology and didn’t trust it at all. After having the Draags up the number of exterminations, it took many Oms’ lives, including a tribe leader. This would open their eyes to learning, and they would come together to find a safe place to live without worry.

Watership Down doesn’t have this battle so apparent in the movie. For the intellectuals, I would like to think Hazel would be in that group. He thought about getting female rabbits for their new home, thought of a plan to combat Woundwort, tried for peace before the battle, and believed in his brother's vision because of the last ones’ accuracy.

For the anti-intellectual, I would say Woundwort. I say this for a couple of reasons. The first being is that when one of the female rabbits had suggested making a new burrow and had backed her argument that there isn’t enough room for them to have babies, Woundwort had said no with no real thought about it. Woundwort seems to rule on using fear that I consider stupid since eventually there will be someone who will not want to put up with it, and it just goes downhill from there. You’d probably still have someone out there for your head if you rule without fear, but it’s considerably less. Woundwort continues to go after Bigwig despite a dog there that is way more dangerous, which isn’t so smart in my opinion.

The next part of this question would be to relate this to real life. Unfortunately, I live in my own little world and use social media to play games rather than get the news. I also read the news that mainly pertains to video games and anime. I mainly get my news from family and friends. So I can’t really think of a real-life example other than this struggle is still being illustrated today. In particular, this struggle is shown in an anime called Dr.Stone. A strange green light has turned humanity to stone, and this boy has been released from this stone prison and figured out how to turn the others back from stone. After turning the wrong person from stone, it becomes a race between two tribes, one of strength and science. It sounds weird, but I binged the season in three days, which is rare for me, so I highly recommend it.

So by this point, I am assuming I have thoroughly tired you out from all the reading. Thanks to those that have continued to the end. Happy Holidays!!!

[storywars-r]

Eleusis

Chapter 1 by R

"Come." Says the man, who gestures at the spread, at the table. "Sit down. I shall tell you my tale, and you yours, and we shall have such festivities, the likes of which you have never seen, but first, food."

Cora pauses, looking at the spread, and at the lights, and at the man. He is charming, graceful, and while there is a sharpness to his features there is moreso a sweetness to his voice.

What did they always say, about faerie lands, and hospitality, and food? Warnings, never should you stray, junk about souls and trappings and chains of magic. She never listened to those old tales properly, but she knew the meanings well enough.

The man is faerie, sure enough, that she can tell from a glance, from the shiver in her spine, from the glowing of the room, from the food displayed, little things, meant to dissuade her from the conclusion but which only lead her deeper.

She sits down, regardless. This trap is of her own design, and she has led herself in to the heart of it.

"Come, eat, I could never let a friend come in to my home and not treat them with the proper hospitality."

She grabs a single piece of fruit and tears it open, which seems to satisfy the man not-man who sits across from her, and yet next to her, in a way which she should accept but doesn't, at least, not in the way she should.

"Your story, kind sir, as promised." The words are chosen as carefully as the fruit. "And I shall give you mine in trade." She picks out a single seed from the blood red juices of her split apart meal, and carefully places it in to her mouth.

"Of course." The man says, eyes glowing bright. "Once, upon a time, there were three brothers."

Chapter 2 by Queezle

'One was greedy. One was cruel. The last was envious. Their names are not to be spoken, but-'

'So what were their names?' Cora asked and the fae looked at her, faintly amused.

'Their names,' he said with a soft laugh, 'are unspeakable.'

Cora frowned. 'Their names were Unspeakable? What sort of mother would name her children Unspeakable? I mean, how would you call them to dinner? "Would you like peas with your chicken, Unspeakable? No, I don't mean you, Unspeakable. Or you, Other Unspeakable. I mean you, Other Other Unspeak-"'

'Are you that stupidly ignorant, or does it just come with your immature species?' the fae interrupted coolly.

'It was just a joke, jeez,' Cora muttered, rubbing her bruised ego.

'Their names are unspeakable,' the fae continued, 'the reason be that if any creature says their cursed name, faerie or otherwise, the brothers will know their location and come to hunt the faerie or otherwise down.'

'Ah ha,' Cora said, licking the red juice off the fruit as it almost dripped on the table. 'So it's just like He Who Shall Not Be Named in that movie... What was it... Harry-'

'It is not important,' the fae said sharply. 'Would you like to hear the rest of the story or not?' Cora shut her mouth. 'They were once as normal as any faerie in these lands, until one of the People of the Clouds twisted their personalities.'

'Why-' Cora started, her mouth stuffed with the fruit, (that actually tasted really good) but shut up as the fae shot her a look.

'You could blame their mother for that. Their mother had tried to steal from the People of the Clouds a few years after the brothers had been born. Their mother- her name was Ianthe- had had been bewitched by the beauty of one of the jewels that the People of Clouds store their power in and attempted to steal it. She was caught, but the Cloud decided that a fate worse than death was needed for this offence. Instead of killing her, as was the normal punishment, it cursed her children.'

'I don't see how that would-'

'The children turned on Ianthe and the rest of their family and murdered them out of cold blood.'

'Ah.'

'After seeing the horror and ruthlessness that they had each done, each brother secretly feared that the other two brothers would turn on them as well, so the brothers split up and went their separate ways- one to the east, one to the west and one to the south. To this day, they have never been seen again.'

Cora waited for more, but the fae was silent. 'How does that relate to you?'

'I am the brother of greed,' he answered softly.

Chapter 3 by Queezle

Cora stood up sharply, the forgotten fruit falling down to the ground with a dull splat, scarlet seeds splayed on the wooden floor. The brother smiled at her.

'Stay,' he said calmly. 'I have not had a visitor in years and I am glad of the company.'

Cora unsheathed the iron dagger at her side, her heart hammering with anticipation and her eyes wide with fear. She had not come unprepared and with the warnings that the other villagers had told her, she knew exactly what would harm the half-man in front of her.

'I said,' the fae repeated, 'stay.' His eyes glowed silver and Cora found herself sitting down again against her will, the dagger slipping out of her palm. The brother's eyes turned back to their normal shade of obsidian black but Cora still couldn't move. The more she wanted to escape, the more she wanted to stay, even though she knew it was stupid and dangerous. It's the brother's way of keeping me here, she realised dimly. He's changing my will with his magic. It's over. I'm practically dead.

The faerie at the other end of the table seemed to sense her horror and smiled. 'To be fair, you should know more about this sort of thing. You should have known that you were walking into a trap as soon as you ate the fruit.'

'The fruit?' Cora asked, her world still spinning.

'Hasn't anything ever taught you not to accept the food of a fae?'

'No,' the girl replied, still shell-shocked.

'If you are unfortunate enough to do so,' the brother said, faintly amused, 'you will remain their servant for eternity.'

'Oh,' Cora said, in a small voice, not sure how to react. Never seeing her family again. Never returning home again. Should she be angry? Should she be sad? Laughing? Crying? Screaming? Fainting? Hysterical?

'Oh indeed,' the fae agreed airily. 'I almost took pity on you- you were so pathetic and naive. But,' he continued, 'you are brave. And luckily for you, bravery and intelligence is what I value above all- unlike my brothers and despite what others believe of me.'

'But I'm not-' Cora began.

'Not brave?' the brother interrupted. 'Look at the way you have marched in through my door, demanding my past. Look at the way you continue to defy and fight me, as though you actually stand a chance. Look at the way you hold an iron toothpick, as though you are more than a gnat at the mercy of a giant.'

'I prefer to think of myself as David about to sling a stone at Goliath's eye,' Cora muttered.

'Think whatever you wish of yourself,' the fae said. 'But people with your qualities are in short supply and would be highly valued at my Court.'

'And if I don't want to join your Court?' Cora echoed.

'Death,' the brother said. 'But Cora, I believe that you be a valuable Knight to have on my side. Besides, it isn't as if you have a choice,' he added.

Cora bit her lip. She really didn't have a choice at all. And how bad could living as a Knight for the brother of greed possibly be compared to the alternative? 'Sounds reasonable,' she decided. 'But if I am to serve you until the day I kneel over and die, tell me your name. You already know my location, and it won't do much harm to put a name to your face.'

'Very well,' the brother answered. 'You may call me Eleusis.'

Chapter 4 by Alexandra

'Eleu-' I started, just before he clamped a hand over my mouth.

'Do not speak my name here' he hissed. 'My name is a beacon, I may speak of it; however, if others were to, the cavalry would immediately know my whereabouts.'

'The cavalry? Who would that be?' I question,though I am already beginning to know the answer. He smiled at me, almost apologetically.

'Oh, my dear Cora, the cavalry is your purpose. From now on, you will be my knight. From now on, you will defend me from my brothers' forces. It's a good thing I think you brave, because no one can survive their numbers,but perhaps your stupidity will transfer into luck.'

It takes a minute for me to fully understand how deep I am in this story.

'Your brothers... so they really do want you dead.'

'Well, of course! I am the one who stole their immortality after all!'

'Why on Earth would you do that?' I stammer, petrified at what I had just heard.

'Come love, I thought you were smarter than that! It's in my name. I am, after all,the brother of greed.'

Chapter 5 by Epsyrum

Cora woke up, the sight of her armor hanging, the sun shining through the window and Mit-Sah sitting on the window sill was first that met her eyes. Mit-Sah was the only thing good happened to her since her arrival here. She caressed Mit-Sah softly while it softly purred in her arms. She couldn't believed that it had already been three months since she had arrived at Eleusis's lair. Three long months away from her home. It's like her yearning for adventure and home-deep down have vanished. Living in this gloomy place. It wasn't like that the clouds were always grey and it always rained. The sun shone, the flowers bloomed, the birds sang but it was empty. Cora was alone. There was no one else there beside her and Eleusis. The same morning-evening-night. Nothing ever happened.

Some times she felt sorry for Eleusis, after all being alone for all these years wasn't easy. Cora could tell that. Even if he was a fae. He was still half-human. But at the same time Eleusis made her angry. He deserved that loneliness, he stole his brothers's immortality, murdered his family and committed many other sins which were not to be spoken about.

The thought of calling Eleusis's name and reawaken the sleeping forces was bothering her for too long. It has become her wish that can not be fulfilled.

Cora tapped her fingers annoyingly on the balcony sill, staring angrily at the garden below, while Eleusis enjoyed his morning tea.

"Come love, why don't you sit down a bit?" His eyes silver shined.

"Was he teasing her?"

The thought made her furious. Since she had arrived there, Eleusis had done nothing but sit around, eat, talk and sleep. While Cora does all the work. The dishes-the laundry-the cooking and everything else. If Eleusis wanted to, he could use his magic or at least helped her out. But he sat there and enjoyed. And on top of that becoming his servant wasn't all this- she was his Brave knight too!!

That night when Cora went to her bed, her mind was set. Set to do the thing she had planned for months. Even though her half didn't wanted to do but here her will had won. Despite the part that resisted the thought under Eleusis's magic but she was all set for it.

[theartistdetective]

The Joker x Harley Quinn - Mephisto: Part 9

Here it is! This one is longer than the others by 1,000 words! I won’t be giving spoilers but FINALLY, something will happen.

 Warnings: Abuse, child abuse, beating, daddy issues, violence, murder, mention of drug usage.

Mephisto Masterlist

The owner of the small feet waddled through the red carpet covered hall. The sky was already shadowed with the gorgeous gown of the beauty known as “the night”; giving the child just enough light to see where to go; with the help of an enormous stone known as the moon on her pendant, light reflecting from it’s shiny surface, oozing from the glass windows. The night was the summoner of nightmares, dreams and sleep. All of the children in the neighborhood would go to sleep when they saw her, taking her appearance as gospel.

 But her appearance meant it was playtime for that household’s children.  The owner of the small feet was playing the game. Everyday; when the night showed her face, the child and the siblings started to play hide and seek. Mommy would already fall asleep, so she couldn’t play with them. When the siblings couldn’t hear their mommy anymore, they had always hid away. The child was just five years old and would stay with big sis like the other siblings did, but they hadn’t waited for the little one that day. So; in the dead of the night, the bairn had been trying to find where big sis hid with other children. But one must had been careful: If one played hide and seek, they must had beware of the “it”. The little one knew that and therefore was on pins and needles, tiptoeing through the hallway leaving only a momentary sight of a shadow: the consequences of losing the game were known by everyone in that house. The child tried to think of the places they could be: big sis, the baby and bro. Just where in that giant mansion could they use as a shelter from the big scary “it”? Then an idea popped up: the baby wasn’t crying. That meant she was in her crib. She always started to cry when she was separated from her friend for too long, a little bear that had been drawn on the side of the crib which always relaxed her. Last time they were found by the “it”, when the “it” lingered through the corridors longer than usual, nearly till six a.m. They weren’t expecting to hide that long, so when the baby started to cry, “it” found them. So; the siblings were probably hiding in the nursery, not being able to leave her all by herself since she wouldn’t have been able to protect herself. The little child let out a sigh of relaxation, turned around to head towards the opposite direction where the nursery had been and started tiptoeing on the fluffy carpet without making a noise. After walking about a meter, the hallway suddenly became more visible, as a creepy creaking sound accompanied it. A different light was illuminating this time, not the helping kind. It was a kind of light that emanated danger. The child gasped and stopped suddenly at the sight of the shadow on the floor. It was the “it”. He was standing behind her, five meters away. There was no point of escaping once the “it” found you, so the little one didn’t escape; just turned around slowly to face the creature. He didn’t like when the beaten ones didn’t face him properly or go to sleep like momma did. The “it” wasn’t facing the child directly; he was standing on the end of the hall, his back hunched with his left shoulder turned towards the bairn, arms dangling from his shoulders like they were completely numb. Yet it was obvious he was aware that someone was standing beside him. The light which emanated danger was coming from the room where he had just left. He was barely standing and looked tired with those bloodshot eyes; the bloodied knife in his right hand underlining his dangerous aura. He was playing with a wedding ring in his other one. He slowly turned his head to the child and grinned. He stopped playing with the ring and tried to slip it on his finger. After ten seconds of tormenting struggle with the ring and his clouded mind, he managed to slip it on and used his now free hand to light a cigarette, using his hand with the knife to hold the lighter. When his lips collided with it, he sucked and inhaled a good amount of smoke: finishing the cigarette instantly. He turned his head only, towards the shaking child. He had some white substance under his nose. The “it” growled as a terrifying smile spread across his face. “Hello my cute little thing! Did you miss your daddy?” he spoke in a child-like voice. The child might had been terrified but wasn’t a chicken like the other siblings. “No, there isn’t anyone in this world that would have the misfortune of being so lonely that they would miss even you.” The “it” didn’t seem to be offended by the insult; on the contrary, that seemed to cheer him up. “Oh, my lovely; oh my smartest; oh my… successor…” he giggled. “That’s why I’m so fond of you… Your siblings straight go for kissing my ass when they’re stuck. Not you…” he whispered as he got closer. “You are a rightful successor. No one can make you grovel. Even I… can’t.” “But you’re wrong about something dear. Even if you won’t, someone misses me everyday. I see her, fulfill her longing and spend time with my children! Guess who?” he laughed. “Mommy can’t miss you when she’s knocked out cold.” the child replied. “And can’t love you when she’s screaming in pain. She can only warn her children that the monster has started to look for them by stopping screaming.” The “it” got closer, till their foreheads touched. He shot a pitying look at the child and muttered: “You know I don’t mind you insulting me honey bee.” His hand reached out to caress the puffy cheeks. “Because I know you have my intelligence. You are different…” “But…” he kissed the puffy cheek as the child tried to wriggle away from his tight grip. “You also need to become tough like me.” He raised his hand which held the remains of the cigarette that still had a thin streak of smoke leaking through it’s filter and pressed it onto the child’s small palm, using it as an ashtray as a high pitched scream echoed through the house.  The little one whimpered as “it” started to play with his knife. He begin placing small cuts on the hand, moving forward to the arm as his successor tried to hold the tears back. Their gazes met; one of them as cruel as a snake, the other as brave as a tiger. He pushed the little tiger onto the floor as he heard the cracking sound coming from the arm he had just cut. Tears didn’t matter for him, life didn’t matter… he raised his hand. The child was able to hear a faint laugh before blacking out.

                                                         ***

 The Joker fixed a misplaced strand of green hair, standing in front of the pier glass in his room. He had decided on a flashy attire for that night: a white shirt, the buttons on his chest unbuttoned; black pants; gold chains hanging down his neck; his ring and… He looked at the item that was lying on his bed.   His purple cane.   He had a business to deal with in one of his clubs that night; the one that had recently been opened: the one which was called “the Mephisto”. This would be the first time he handled business there, he did not like to host those stupid pricks in a place he considered as the best. The music there wasn’t some recently boring beat that drunk people can randomly dance to. It was live and original, not the type that people would enjoy: it was something that the Joker himself would enjoy. He didn’t like to be in his overly loud clubs anyway. He didn’t have strippers in his other clubs as well, but this club didn’t employ any kind of dancers. There was a pole and a curtain for curtain dancing present: but it was rarely used, since it would attract a lot of attention to dance in a place where people weren’t packed like sardines and it was apparently hard for most of the people to dance without a “sick beat”. The club had the best drinks, poker and the atmosphere.   The reason he was going to bring his business partner to the Mephisto was that this man wasn’t a stupid prick.   He was going to be his help while tackling the issue of the Copycat of Lady Snowblood and the five assassins. He was also the connection he relied on about finding Harley. The man was called Edgar Beowulf, famously known as Severe Edgar, whose job was to know everything.   He was the net of the crime world, not just in Gotham; whole country was in his hands. He had the news, he had the information. He rarely interfered with any of the situations he was aware of, but when he did, no one could stop him. He had an army of well-trained man, just like the Joker and could use them with a perfect strategy. The Joker was the agent of Chaos, Severe Edgar was the composer of Order.   Of course, the real reason he planned to bring him to the Mephisto wasn’t because of the fact that his skills currently were mandatory for him, it was because the guy himself was really old.   He was an old stager, about seventy years old… forty years into the business.   The Joker figured he wouldn’t be happy if some overly loud and annoying beat banged through the speakers as they speak.   He reached for the cane and held it in his hands, thinking about his plan with Severe Edgar. He was warned by Frost, that this man might not be the right man to trust. Since ten years ago, several male business partners of his had been started to be slaughtered by himself cruelly. Unknown reasons. Maybe he finally went nuts. That wouldn’t had mattered to the Prince of Crime in normal standards; however, he needed this man and it would be a waste to kill someone like him. The madman giggled to himself, it was going to be so easy to find Harley this way.   And maybe, just maybe, he could meet those assassins and show them who the King of Gotham really is.

                                                             ***

  The Joker leaned on his cane with both of his hands as he stared at the empty pole on the dance floor. Edgar Beowulf could be there at any moment, he was waiting for him in the private booth with Johnny Frost. He took a sip of his Bourbon.   “Tell me Frost, did you place the other guys on the spots I ordered you to place them on?”   “Yes, boss. That Edgar whatsoever dude won’t be able to pull his tricks this time. This place is highly secure.”   Severe Edgar seemed to have an impenetrable shield protecting him from any kind of harm. Although the business partners whom he had killed were all utter idiots compared to the King of Gotham, that didn’t change the fact that those guys had an army of men around them ninety percent of their time. If he had managed to shoot them in the head somehow, he must have been immediately tackled down. But he always got away with what he did. So, as a reasonable precaution, the Joker had ordered his man to guard the place and let no one in but him and plenty of his henchmen.   A bulky man suddenly burst into the room while the Joker was thinking about what to say, disturbing his thoughts.   “Boss,” he spoke. “Edgar Beowulf and three of his henchmen have arrived.”   Only three, the Joker thought. Damn, he is getting old.   “Let them in, Till.” he growled. The henchman nodded and proceeded to leave, but his boss had different plans for him.   “By the way, Till..” he purred.   The henchman turned around to face him but was greeted by a shiny end of a pistol instead.   The madman grinned and spoke in a sing song voice: “Don’t forget to knock in the afterlife, if it exists.”  Till’s lifeless body fell down as blood and brains spilled around. Frost snapped his fingers and two other henchmen appeared. They took the corpse out through the back door as the Joker stared at the main entrance of the booth, waiting for the infamous criminal’s arrival.   The beads that covered the entrance slowly parted and a man dressed completely in black entered the booth. The Joker deduced he was a bodyguard, however he didn’t look like it.   The man looked like he was in his mid forties and by no means was well built or bulky. He was quite tall, maybe five or six centimeters taller than him; but still looked like a dwarf near Frost. He had raven black hair and salient grey eyes. He looked more like a married businessman with children rather than a criminal. The bodyguard nodded firmly towards the Joker and stepped aside for his boss to pass.   The old man who entered the room had an aura that screamed “dominant”. He walked like a noble duke. But his aura wasn’t something that would make the Joker mad. It didn’t show any sign of cockiness, it rather felt like he was experienced and was sure that he’d grant your wish. He looked like a man that could be trusted. We will se, thought the Joker.   He had striking features, giving the man the look of a strict German school principal. Determination was flowing in abundance like a waterfall from his light blue eyes, his short grey hair was scattered around but his moustache and beard were tidy and proper. He had a black cane with a silver owl figure carved on it’s handle. The cane wasn’t a show or an accessory like the Joker’s, he needed that thing to walk.   Frost attempted to warn the old man that his boss wouldn’t shake hands. But the man lifted his hand while his back was still facing the henchman and spoke in a deep voice:   “Don’t bother son, I’ve been in this business long enough to know that one must shake hands after the deal.”   Frost attempted to ask him what he would like for a drink but the man interrupted him again: “You’re too kind, but I must decline the offer. It is forbidden for an old man to live his life apparently.” he spoke with an annoyed tone audible in his voice.   The Joker restrained himself from laughing at the last minute. He recollected himself and leaned back. “If you don’t want anything, I shall start with the first issue.”   “Oh are there multiple cases?”   “Two.”   “Great. More fun. Let me guess, is one of them related with the incident of the five assassins that disappeared into thin air?”   “And the male copycat of Lady Snowblood who is their accomplice.”   The old man seemed to be confused at that point: “What… male copycat..?” They suddenly heard a silent laugh. Edgar Beowulf’s black haired henchman’s face was as red as a tomato, his lips were tightly pressed to each other. “Pardon me.” he muttered while still trying to stop himself from laughing. The old man giggled at the sight of him cracking up: “Pardon him, he is a weird gal.”

 Am I missing something?, thought Johnny Frost.  The Joker clenched his fists but didn’t want to lose the opportunity. “As I said; I need your help on their whereabouts and goal, the rest, I will handle. I’m offering you five hundred thousand and expenses.”   “Deal.”   The Joker raised his eyebrows at his immediate agreement.   “What?” the man exclaimed. “It sounded fun, what will I do with more money anyway? Buy myself a diamond pacemaker or something?”   The Joker could not restrain himself from laughing this time.  "Then I shall continue about the second issue…“ I want you to find a troublesome Mephisto… he thought.   "Before that…” Edgar interrupted him. “I must forewarn you about a critical matter.”   “Go on.”   “You’ve probably heard of me killing most of my clients before…”   “Yes I’ve heard but I…”   “I don’t care if you care about it or not: I’m just going to tell you what to do if you don’t want to share the same fate as them.”   The Joker sat up angrily, how dare this old chap could…   “Now now…” the old man spoke with a soothing voice as he raised his hand. “I’m not saying this to offend you. I have a really sensitive spot. I’ve warned people about it before.  But they foolishly ignored it. I have a single request from you, do not ignore my warning.”   After he was sure that the madman was listening, he continued: “I have a certain someone that is really precious to me. That precious one will be assisting you with my dear friend Harry Cooper,” he pointed at his henchman. “…on behalf of me from now on: being as intelligent as me -but probably is more intelligent-, as sly as me and definitely having a better physical condition than me.”   “This person has a secret. A secret that needs to be kept. Whatever happens, do not spill the beans and do harm that person who definitely will solve all of your problems quicker than I will.” The moment he said that, the beads tinkled again. The Joker turned his head around to see someone entering the booth. The sign of recognition sparked in his eyes. Harley entered the booth with a sly grin decorating her blood red lips. Her golden curls were reaching her waist, the end of them were dyed one side blue and the other side pink. She was wearing a revealing gold and black chequered dress with gold Loubotin heels. There were multiple Rolex watches on her upper arm. Her mischievous eyes met his before she saw the purple cane he held. Harley’s smirk got wider and she looked genuinely ecstatic. She winked at the shocked madman as she proceeded to walk towards Edgar. The Joker’s mouth dropped at the sight of her bare back. Two words that covered the entire area were tattooed on it: it was a fancy writing , it said, Lady Snowblood. Frost couldn’t help but gasp at the sight of it.   Edgar noticed their reaction and giggled: “When you’re known as the ultimate source of all information in the country, it is easy to manipulate some of them in your favor. No one will be suspicious of a curvy blonde when the profile which was confirmed by an unshakable source is a boy-like brunette. There goes our itty bitty secret.”   The old man opened his arms and pulled the girl for a hug. The Joker could not change his shocked expression but still felt the jealousy burning inside. Harley giggled as she planted a kiss on the man’s cheek as she sat close to him, hugging him tight.   Edgar Beowulf’s face didn’t have a strict expression anymore. He looked as happy as a child who was permitted to have an extra scoop of ice cream. He turned to the Joker and continued enthusiastically:   “Well, I must admit to you: no one dared and tried to harm this beauty or spilled her little secret. The truth is, they couldn’t keep their dick in their pants and tried to flirt with my baby.   So, I warn you to not to make the same mistake. Look well after my granddaughter Mr. J.”

 They’ve finally met! If Harley is Lady Snowblood, who are those five assassins? Is she related to them and Amanda Waller? Who is the said copycat? Why did Harry laugh?.. %50 percent of these questions will be answered in the next chapter…

@thefaultinourstudying

@diyunho

@killer-khaleesi

@jokersonme

[thepinkseat-askthemoonbunny]

Dumbledore Explained

Right, so I found a chapter of Harry Potter rants on fanfiction,net. And this chapter was super long and it lists almost all of the common reasons why people hate Dumbledore or they think Dumbledore is bad/evil person. So one by one, I was able to explain most of these things and have decided to compile my answers. The link to that chapter/url is here: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11917130/1/Harry-Potter-Rants , and my answers to all of her points are below:

1: Dumbledore is only a teacher. He's not Headmaster, he's not an Auror, it's a Muggle orphanage and thus outside jurisdiction. He has neither the power or the responsibility to stop a kid from doing things in a Muggle orphanage because there's no direct violation.

2. Not his job, they had tons of other teachers, Tom is not Dumbledore's problem.

3. Dumbledore DID report his suspicions. Hagrid said this, Dumbledore tried to convince people that Hagrid was innocent. Nobody believed him, and Dippet wanted to keep everything hush hush. Again, he's one guy and only a schoolteacher with none of his fame and influence yet.

4. The Ministry didn't give a damn, Hagrid was a half giant and as such they were prejudiced against him. Plus, a ghost? Really? She didn't see WHO killed her, she didn't know about Tom. She just looked into a pair of eyes and...ghost.

5. Where is this clear evidence? Dumbledore ain't psychic, what evidence did he have? Plus the book is called Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, not Albus Dumbledore and the Chamber of Secrets.

6. It's a MAGIC school. Where kids go to learn MAGIC things. Of COURSE they're gonna be around love potions and stuff. They have teacher supervision, they have to learn how to BREW these things! Dumbledore can't stop crazy kids or some random crazy people from doing stupid human things. The spells have to be taught.

7. No explanation for this, that was stupid. However, we do know why he hired Lockhart. Plus the job was cursed, he had to find SOMEBODY to fill it. And plot, these teachers gave Harry his story every year basically.

8. Dumbledore keeping Snape out of Azkaban literally won them the war. If Snape wasn't around to spy, we would've all been fucked without his intelligence. I don't know why he made him a teacher, I assume it's because he was highly skilled in Potions so that was the best job for him.

9. That was stupid as hell, but this trope has been around since the dawn of man so I don't really care.

10. He didn't know Sirius was innocent, only three people did and two of them were dead, one was presumed dead. He wasn't gonna get a trial from Fudge, they wanted to Kiss him. But he should have pushed for a trial, I agree.

11. The scar was a Horcrux, what was there to investigate about it? Plus, not his job. That scar is literally the entire plot from the books, if Dumbledore investigated it, Harry would once again have no storyline.

12. There WAS no safe way. This is stated in the books, the only way to destroy a Horcrux is to destroy the vessel. Harry was that vessel.

13. This was foul, completely and utterly foul. I have no explanation for this, but Harry COULD NOT be removed from that house, for his own safety.

14. Snape is an asshole, he chose to be an asshole. He's a grown man who should have straightened up his act, I don't know WHY Dumbledore didn't fire him but he needed him close.

15. Kids are evil little shits. You really think that he's going to be able to stop every kid in the school from being a bully? Nope, that's not the way school works. He should have done more, I definitely agree. However, Dumbledore is the principal. And in school, the principal isn't really the one who handles bullying like that. It's the teachers who take care of that stuff. Hogwarts is NOT a Muggle school. It's a fantasy school in a fantasy world, real world logic does not apply.

16. Plothole

17. Plot. This is Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, this was literally the whole story. All of that mess with the Stone was the plot, that was Harry's storyline.

18. Again, plot. See number 17 for title of book.

19. I am so SICK of this stupid theory. We literally have no proof that Dumbledore ordered Madam Pomfrey to do jack squat, and even if he did she could have disobeyed him. Harry stays at school for nine months out of the year, that's more than enough time for him to look pretty healthy if a little skinny. Most injuries heal around that time, it's not shocking to think nobody would notice. The Dursleys didn't physically abuse Harry all that much either, not many in that neighborhood knew he existed. Maybe there wasn't anything for her to find.

20. Again, plot point. NOBODY knew what was really up with Quirrell, except Harry and that was because he saw Voldemort's face himself. Quirrell was the antagonist of the first story, plot device.

21. Nobody knew where that troll came from. Nobody, what was Dumbledore supposed to do? Stalk every teacher twenty four seven? He has better things to do with his life.

22. He was a BABY dragon! Hagrid could have easily hidden him. Come on, Dumbledore ain't omniscient. He's not psychic, it's not his job to know what everybody is doing every second of every day. Hagrid isn't at the castle often, plus dragons ain't dark creatures. So no protective enchantment would have detected him.

23. Plot. Harry needed to investigate, this is his story. Plus I believe that was his detention. Magic isn't infallible, these protective enchantments aren't airtight. We need things to keep the story going.

24. Plot point. If Dumbledore had come back quickly, Harry wouldn't have had time to retrieve the Stone.

25. Who cares? It was irrelevant to the story whether they were counseled or not. The wizard world doesn't act like the Muggle one when it comes to mental issues.

26. This is already explained, Harry had to go back. What protections would you have had him enact? They're Muggles.

27. Again, maybe Harry is just skinny. It's not unusual, plus everyone probably figured he's gonna eat at school so he should be fine.

28. Dippet did the same thing. Plus the Basilisk is dead, the threat has already been dealt with. Why tell anybody, it's been taken care of.

29. The Basilisk is dead, there's nothing in the chamber that can hurt anybody now. What's the point.

30. You can't stop people from spreading rumors, people are going to be assholes if they want to be. People spread rumors about Dumbledore, he can't stop them. People are going to gossip and lie on you.

31. They HAD mandrakes, Professor Sprout had them. Plus they probably didn't have time to ship mandrakes from some foreign country, even with magic the negotiations and dealings, finding a seller would have taken too long.

32. Plot device and plus it's a magical school. Such things probably happen all the time.

33. Explained this already, the wizarding world as a whole is shit when it comes to mental illness.

34. Already explained this.

35. Plot. It's the Harry Potter series, of course Harry and his friends are going to be the ones to track down and destroy the Horcruxes. In a kids/YA story, the adults are often absent minded to give the young heroes some leeway.

36. Already explained that, there was no way to remove the scar. Dumbledore says in book one that he can't do crap about it.

37. It was a government mandated safety precaution. Dumbledore may be powerful but he isn't above the law or anybody's government. Him "caving" to the Ministry, what would you have him do? Break the law and get himself locked up?! Skeeter is not a reliable source AT ALL, and him threatening to close the school would have done nothing. It's a public school, the board of governors decides all those things.

38. Again, maybe there were no physical signs. Oh he knew, but maybe nobody else did because the physical abuse would have disappeared.

39. He didn't ignore that. He chased the Dementors from the pitch. Reporting it to whom? The government that put them there in the first place?

40. You just answered that. It would have made the whole plotline of the book moot.

41. Already explained this.

42a/b. Already explained this too.

42. Plot point, AND Barty had captured Moody. Maybe he learned how to imitate his mannerisms?

43. Plot point. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire?

44 Voldemort ISN'T a student? Students enter their own names, nobody else does it for them (Harry was a special case). Nobody would have thought of that, just because Dumbledore doesn't pull perfect solutions all the time doesn't make him stupid. And if he did that, books five through seven would have been moot, plot device.

45. Dumbledore could have done that, but people are going to spread rumors regardless. He clearly favors Harry, people would think he's lying for him. Kids are going to be dickheads.

46. Okay, so you want him to take every single student's mail and screen it? Invasion of privacy, plus it'd be impossible because that's a shit ton of mail to go through. People get secret passages, and Dumbledore can't stop hundreds of random strangers from writing letters.

47. He did, Minerva was guarding him. Nobody would have known that Fudge would be dumb enough to bring a Dementor. Plus what happened is exactly what Fudge would have done in any case, there wasn't going to be a trial. Why does everyone think that Hogwarts enchantments work like some sort of alarm system? Nothing is going to go off or beep and flash to tell Dumbledore anything, that never happens in the books.

48. To Rita?! RITA SKEETER IS NOT A RELIABLE SOURCE! Keep in mind this same Rita slandered Dumbledore in the papers AND Harry, with the Minister's help. And her slander the Ministry? She'd get arrested just like that. Fudge of course would have ignored him, he tried to cover up Voldemort's return.

49. Explained this already

50. Explained this too.

51. The books explain this, he was trying to protect them both from danger. Voldy could see into Harry's mind, this would have screwed up everything.

52. Nobody knows, this is really small and not that important.

53. This was foul and horrible and he should have done something about it.

54. The GOVERNMENT forced her on him, plus he probably didn't see anything. Harry didn't tell anybody about that Blood Quill, he only saw one instance of Um-bitch's treatment and that was with Marietta. Plus then he got kicked out by the government, so there was nothing he could do.

55. Probably didn't want to burden Harry with that. Plus then he'd have to tell Harry he's a Horcrux, and he didn't want to tell him till the very end.

56. No alternatives, Occulmency is the strongest mental shield. Snape was the best Occulmens around pretty much, he was the most qualified even if he was a dick.

57. Plot device, plus nobody wants to tell a kid all that heavy stuff.

58. Explained this already.

59. Explained this already.

60. Explained already, mind connection with Voldemort plus it's a plot device.

61. To stretch the storyline further. The books would have been over in ten minutes.

62. No it doesn't, if the government ignored most of the shit that went down in Hogwarts, one kid trying to commit murder isn't going to move them. Lots of kids join the DE, he can't stop them all. Plus Dumbledore was kind of dying, he has bigger fish to fry. This is still very bad, it's horrible. But there's the explanation.

63. This was a very personal thing for him, plus it's a plot device, the mentor always has to get killed off. That ring held a lot of private and painful moments for him, and maybe he didn't want anybody else to get hurt.

64. Harry was stuck with the fate of the world the moment his parents were whacked. Plus it's the Harry Potter series, he has to solve the problems, he has to fight Voldemort, he's kind of the protagonist.

[readbookywooks]

This is the bright candlelit room where the life-timers are stored – shelf upon shelf of them, squat hourglasses, one for every living person, pouring their fine sand from the future into the past. The accumulated hiss of the falling grains makes the room roar like the sea. This is the owner of the room, stalking through it with a preoccupied air. His name is Death. But not any Death. This is the Death whose particular sphere of operations is, well, not a sphere at all, but the Discworld, which is flat and rides on the back of four giant elephants who stand on the shell of the enormous star turtle Great A'Tuin, and which is bounded by a waterfall that cascades endlessly into space. Scientists have calculated that the chance of anything so patently absurd actually existing are millions to one. But magicians have calculated that million-to-one chances crop up nine times out of ten. Death clicks across the black and white tiled floor on toes of bone, muttering inside his cowl as his skeletal fingers count along the rows of busy hourglasses. Finally he finds one that seems to satisfy him, lifts it carefully from its shelf and carries it across to the nearest candle. He holds it so that the light lints off it, and stares at the little point of reflected brilliance. The steady gaze from those twinkling eye-sockets encompasses the world turtle, sculling through the deeps of space, carapace scarred by comets and pitted by meteors. One day even Great A'Tuin will die, Death knows; now, that would be a challenge. But the focus of his gaze dives onwards towards the blue-green magnificence of the Disc itself, turning slowly under its tiny orbiting sun. Now it curves away towards the great mountain range called the Ramtops. The Ramtops are full of deep valleys and unexpected crags and considerably more geography than they know what to do with. They have their own peculiar weather, full of shrapnel rain and whiplash winds and permanent thunder-storms. Some people say it's all because the Ramtops are the home of old, wild magic. Mind you, some people will say anything. Death blinks, adjusts for depth of vision. Now he sees the grassy country on the turnwise slopes of the mountains. Now he sees a particular hillside. Now he sees a field. Now he sees a boy, running. Now he watches. Now, in a voice like lead slabs being dropped on granite, he says: YES. There was no doubt that there was something magical in the soil of that hilly, broken area which – because of the strange tint that it gave to the local flora – was known as the octarine grass country. For example, it was one of the few places on the Disc where plants produced reannual varieties. Reannuals are plants that grow backwards in time. You sow the seed this year and they grow last year. Mort's family specialised in distilling the wine from reannual grapes. These were very powerful and much sought after by fortune-tellers, since of course they enabled them to see the future. The only snag was that you got the hangover the morning before, and had to drink a lot to get over it. Reannual growers tended to be big, serious men, much given to introspection and close examination of the calendar. A farmer who neglects to sow ordinary seeds only loses the crop, whereas anyone who forgets to sow seeds of a crop that has already been harvested twelve months before risks disturbing the entire fabric of causality, not to mention acute embarrassment. It was also acutely embarrassing to Mort's family that the youngest son was not at all serious and had about the same talent for horticulture that you would find in a dead starfish. It wasn't that he was unhelpful, but he had the land of vague, cheerful helpfulness that serious men soon learn to dread. There was something infectious, possibly even fatal, about it. He was tall, red-haired and freckled, with the sort of body that seems to be only marginally under its owner's control; it appeared to have been built out of knees. On this particular day it was hurtling across the high fields, waving its hands and yelling. Mort's father and uncle watched it disconsolately from the stone wall. 'What I don't understand,' said father Lezek, 'is that the birds don't even fly away. I'd fly away, if I saw it coining towards me.' 'Ah. The human body's a wonderful thing. I mean, his legs go all over the place but there's a fair turn of speed there.' Mort reached the end of a furrow. An overfull woodpigeon lurched slowly out of his way. 'His heart's in the right place, mind,' said Lezek, carefully. 'Ah. 'Course, 'tis the rest of him that isn't.' 'He's clean about the house. Doesn't eat much,' said Lezek. 'No, I can see that.' Lezek looked sideways at his brother, who was staring fixedly at the sky. 'I did hear you'd got a place going up at your farm, Hamesh,' he said. 'Ah. Got an apprentice in, didn't I?' 'Ah,' said Lezek gloomily, 'when was that, then?' 'Yesterday,' said his brother, lying with rattlesnake speed. 'All signed and sealed. Sorry. Look, I got nothing against young Mort, see, he's as nice a boy as you could wish to meet, it's just that —' 'I know, I know,' said Lezek. 'He couldn't find his arse with both hands.' They stared at the distant figure. It had fallen over. Some pigeons had waddled over to inspect it. 'He's not stupid, mind,' said Hamesh. 'Not what you'd call stupid.' 'There's a brain there all right,' Lezek conceded. 'Sometimes he starts thinking so hard you has to hit him round the head to get his attention. His granny taught him to read, see. I reckon it overheated his mind.' Mort had got up and tripped over his robe. 'You ought to set him to a trade,' said Hamesh, reflectively. 'The priesthood, maybe. Or wizardry. They do a lot of reading, wizards.' They looked at each other. Into both their minds stole an inkling of what Mort might be capable of if he got his well-meaning hands on a book of magic. 'All right,' said Hamesh hurriedly. 'Something else, then. There must be lots of things he could turn his hand to.' 'He starts thinking too much, that's the trouble,' said Lezek. 'Look at him now. You don't think about how to scare birds, you just does it. A normal boy, I mean.' Hamesh scratched his chin thoughtfully. 'It could be someone else's problem,' he said. Lezek's expression did not alter, but there was a subtle change around his eyes. 'How do you mean?' he said. 'There's the hiring fair at Sheepridge next week. You set him as a prentice, see, and his new master'll have the job of knocking him into shape. 'Tis the law. Get him indentured, and 'tis binding.' Lezek looked across the field at his son, who was examining a rock. 'I wouldn't want anything to happen to him, mind,' he said doubtfully. 'We're quite fond of him, his mother and me. You get used to people.' 'It'd be for his own good, you'll see. Make a man of him.' 'Ah. Well. There's certainly plenty of raw material,' sighed Lezek. Mort was getting interested in the rock. It had curly shells in it, relics of the early days of the world when the Creator had made creatures out of stone, no-one knew why. Mort was interested in lots of things. Why people's teeth fitted together so neatly, for example. He'd given that one a lot of thought. Then there was the puzzle of why the sun came out during the day, instead of at night when the light would come in useful. He knew the standard explanation, which somehow didn't seem satisfying. In short, Mort was one of those people who are more dangerous than a bag full of rattlesnakes. He was determined to discover the underlying logic behind the universe. Which was going to be hard, because there wasn't one. The Creator had a lot of remarkably good ideas when he put the world together, but making it understandable hadn't been one of them. Tragic heroes always moan when the gods take an interest in them, but it's the people the gods ignore who get the really tough deals. His father was yelling at him, as usual. Mort threw the rock at a pigeon, which was almost too full to lurch out of the way, and wandered back across the field. And that was why Mort and his father walked down through the mountains into Sheepridge on Hogswatch Eve, with Mort's rather sparse possessions in a sack on the back of a donkey. The town wasn't much more than four sides to a cobbled square, lined with shops that provided all the service industry of the farming community. After five minutes Mort came out of the tailors wearing a loose fitting brown garment of imprecise function, which had been understandably unclaimed by a previous owner and had plenty of room for him to grow, on the assumption that he would grow into a nineteen-legged elephant. His father regarded him critically. 'Very nice,' he said, 'for the money.' 'It itches,' said Mort. 'I think there's things in here with me.' There's thousands of lads in the world'd be very thankful for a nice warm —' Lezek paused, and gave up – 'garment like that, my lad.' 'I could share it with them?' Mort said hopefully. 'You've got to look smart,' said Lezek severely. 'You've got to make an impression, stand out in the crowd.' There was no doubt about it. He would. They set out among the throng crowding the square, each listening to his own thoughts. Usually Mort enjoyed visiting the town, with its cosmopolitan atmosphere and strange dialects from villages as far away as five, even ten miles, but this time he felt unpleasantly apprehensive, as if he could remember something that hadn't happened yet. The fair seemed to work like this: men looking for work stood in ragged lines in the centre of the square. Many of them sported little symbols in their hats to tell the world the kind of work they were trained in – shepherds wore a wisp of wool, carters a hank of horsehair, interior decorators a strip of rather interesting hessian wallcovering, and so on. The boys seeking apprenticeships were clustered on the Hub side of the square. 'You just go and stand there, and someone comes and offers you an apprenticeship,' said Lezek, his voice trimmed with uncertainty. 'If they like the look of you, that is.' 'How do they do that?' said Mort. 'Well,' said Lezek, and paused. Hamesh hadn't explained about this bit. He drew on his limited knowledge of the marketplace, which was restricted to livestock sales, and ventured, 'I suppose they count your teeth and that. And make sure you don't wheeze and your feet are all right. I shouldn't let on about the reading, it unsettles people.' 'And then what?' said Mort. 'Then you go and learn a trade,' said Lezek. 'What trade in particular?' 'Well . . . carpentry is a good one,' Lezek hazarded. 'Or thievery. Someone's got to do it.' Mort looked at his feet. He was a dutiful son, when he remembered, and if being an apprentice was what was expected of him then he was determined to be a good one. Carpentry didn't sound very promising, though – wood had a stubborn life of its own, and a tendency to split. And official thieves were rare in the Ramtops, where people weren't rich enough to afford them. 'All right,' he said eventually, 'I'll go and give it a try. But what happens if I don't get prenticed?' Lezek scratched his head. 'I don't know,' he said. 'I expect you just wait until the end of the fair. At midnight. I suppose.' And now midnight approached. A light frost began to crisp the cobblestones. In the ornamental clock tower that overlooked the square a couple of delicately-carved little automatons whirred out of trapdoors in the clockface and struck the quarter hour. Fifteen minutes to midnight. Mort shivered, but the crimson fires of shame and stubbornness flared up inside him, hotter than the slopes of Hell. He blew on his fingers for something to do and stared up at the freezing sky, trying to avoid the stares of the few stragglers among what remained of the fair. 

[mercurygray]

So anyway pls imagine baby Hagrid getting to meet Newt

I’m sorry, I think I might have misheard you, I thought you said, anyway please write several pages of our favorite Hogwarts Groundskeeper meeting his hero.

Rubeus Hagrid picked up another pebble from the lakeshore and sent it skipping across the surface of the water. Stupid charms class. Stupid small desks. Stupid teasing students. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

He’d never fit in -  figuratively as well as literally. Everything was just too small.

Cheer up, Rubeus, his dad had said when he had dropped him at the train that year. It’ll be grand. You’ll see. It’ll be better.

And it had been, for a little while. But everyone else wanted to talk about Gobstones and which Quidditch team was leading the League this year and the answer to 24b on the Transfiguration homework. No one wanted to talk about the new beast they’d just learned about in Care of Magical Creatures. And no one wanted to talk at all about dragons.

He’d skived off Charms today in favor of the lake; they were doing Unlocking charms today, as they’d been doing for the last two weeks, and he was tired of it - of trying to squeeze into the tiny chairs in the Charms classroom, of repeating the same stupid gesture time and time again, of Professor Makepeace frowning at the doodles in his notes and making him stand up in front of the class to show off his abysmal wandwork and take off another two or three or five house points when he got it wrong again.

And he’d lost a lot of house points already. That was probably another reason why people weren’t talking to him.

Well, Makepeace couldn’t take away points if he wasn’t there. And besides, he wouldn’t have to know charms if he worked on a dragon reservation. All he’d need to know about were the dragons.

There were voices behind him, and he instinctively ducked down, moving closer to one of the bushes and holding his pebble close, hoping no one had heard him. Two men were walking in the direction of the lake, their voices becoming louder and more distinct as they moved closer.

“…keep an eye on them. That’s all.”

“My dear man, however do you intend to do it?”

“It’s one of the last truly intact colony groupings in Britain, and I would hate to see it broken up by a fortune hunter on the look-out for a quick profit – or an untutored student accidentally wandering in. It’ll just be for a little while  - I have several funding opportunities coming around soon -”

“-Not to mention the newest reprint of your book.”

The younger man laughed. “Is this going to turn into a solicitation for the school scholarship fund, Albus?”

“Heavens, no. I have deeper pockets I can turn to before yours, Newt.” There was a rustle, and Rubeus sat very still until the voice, much louder now, said, “I do hope you’re not meant to be in class now, Rubeus.”

He hung his head. He should have known - he was getting to be a little too big for these bushes. He turned around, taking in the sight of the headmaster, blue-eyed and with hair just turning to gray, and hung his head, guilty as charged.“But I’m going to fail Professor Makepeace’s class even if I do go! And who’s ever going to use all those charms anyway?”

“Ah, but your mind will be richer for having heard it once, my boy.” Dumbledore’s blue eyes twinkled behind his glasses, and he paused, looking from his guest to his student, realizing something. “Oh, heavens, where are my manners - introductions. Newt, this is Rubeus Hagrid, one of our second years. Rubeus, allow me to introduce you to Newt Scamander.”

A double-take. “The… author?” Hagrid’s eyes went wide. Newt Scamander, the man who had written Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, one of his textbooks, one of his favorite books, here at Hogwarts? He did not look exactly as Hagrid had pictured him, but then, he was not really at work today - he was wearing a suit, for instance, though it was not particularly well kept. But his hair was very like the picture on the back of the book, with an unruly lock of curls sweeping down over his forehead – though they were, like Dumbledore’s, starting to show signs of silver. He had a kind of rumpled, lived in look that made Rubeus like him very much. Unlike a lot of the adults at Hogwarts, he didn’t look like he was trying too hard.

He was also smiling. He also had, Rubeus thought, one of the kindest smiles. A bit like Dumbledore’s, in fact - the kind that made you think they had a whole lot of other, deep, thoughtful thoughts going on behind it.

“Mr. Scamander stopped by to visit a native colony of bowtruckles we have here in the Forbidden forest; he is going to be carrying out some research on them later next year.”

“Will it be for a book?”

Scamander smiled. “I very much expect so; they are an ancient and important species and should be better understood, particularly by wizards, who I do not think appreciate them quite as much as they should. Often we are too quick to judge or fear what we do not understand, and then destroy what we fear without thinking about the consequences.”

“Like dragons! I love them, but everyone else says I shouldn’t. Because they’re dangerous.”

The author, seeing a kindred spirit, smiled and nodded. “Exactly like dragons.”

“You should thank Mr. Scamander - he’s the one responsible for gifting Hogwarts the Giant Squid you’re so fond of,” Dumbledore said with a smile, which made Scamander roll his eyes.

“Why is that story the only one you tell?” Scamander asked with a wry smile, neither confirming nor denying the truth of the matter.

“Because it makes people smile,” Dumbledore said. “Do I remember right when I say that you spent a lot of time down here at the lake as well, Newt?”

The two men exchanged a glance for a moment and then Newt’s expression changed to one of quick understanding. “Oh, indeed, yes. Charms was never my strong suit either,” the author added with a suddenly sage smile. “I would have much preferred to be in Herbology - or Care of Magical Creatures. But one has to learn everything. Even if someone isn’t very good at it. You might find a use for it  - I know I do. Just last week I had to charm a garden gate to close after a Crup had climbed through it - but not before. Tricky little thing.”

“Really?” Rubeus was spellbound. Newt nodded.

“My wife’s much better at some of those things than I am, but we manage; I’m much better than her at antidotes and poisons, so we balance out a bit.”

“Professor Scamander was just saying that when he starts his study of Bowtruckles he’d like to use several students to help him collect data,” Dumbledore added, watching his student’s eyes light up.

“Would you really, sir?” Hagrid’s enthusiasm for the prospect was unbounded. Working with Newt Scamander? On a new project? It was hardly to be believed!

“I’ll be taking applicants as soon as I’ve worked out some of the trickier bits,” Scamander acknowledged. “But I can only accept students with good grades – not the best grades, of course, I shall want students who like the work. And they shall, erm, need to be reliable and…be able to keep a schedule.” And not skip class, his smile seemed to add hintingly.

“Something to look forward to, Rubeus? I know Professor Kettleburn would give you an excellent recommendation - he showed Professor Scamander one of your papers when we visited earlier.”

Albus Dumbledore was not considered one of the smartest wizards in the world for nothing, and this was one more of his masterstrokes. A compliment, from a teacher? It was unheard of in this child’s world. Rubeus stood up, a sense of purpose in his eyes. Here now was the goal - a point to all the seemingly fruitless labors of before. “Yes, sir, very much, sir.”

“Excellent,” Dumbledore pronounced. “Well, we should not keep you from your stone skipping. Unless…”

“…Oh! I’d better…go get…books…next class. Pleasure to meet you, sir!” The second-year held out a dinner-plate sized hand and shook hands with Scamander before pelting off up the hill, eyes burning brightly with renewed purpose and responsibility, leaving the two men smiling in his wake.

That night he checked out every book the Hogwarts library had on Bowtruckles, and tipped the stack onto his bedside table, a protective tower, a talisman against all of Professor Makepeace’s frowns and sighs, topped, of course, with a very battered book whose peeling gilt still threw out the siren promise, as real as when the book had first been published, of “Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them.”

[gigozz]

The story of how Scourge and Carlos met! Part 2!

Carlos POV

We found the creature unconscious and took it back to the base located in California, which took us around a day to get there. There was enough hooks on each chopper to attach it to him and fly him out of there.

The poor thing was walking around the Siberian Desert. Who knows how it got there or why it thought going there was a good idea, but we were gonna move him to a place he may or may not like.

But I’m sure anyplace is better than a desert.

We put him in a large stone paddock that wasn’t so far away from the base.

I was looking down at it from a higher level, when one of my guys came to talk to me about the situation.

“We got a word that this thing is merely a juvenile. We know what it is and we know how dangerous it is. Who knows what unimaginable stuff it can do once it’s full grown. I say we get rid of it.”

“No, let me study him for a bit. Get to know it. I know that these things have been eating people on Skull Island. Just give me sometime to get in there and find out more about this species.

All he did was shake his head, but he knew how important this was to me.

“Fine. But if get eaten, I’ll tell them I tried to talk you out of it.”

I nodded, and then he led me to the lower level where the skull crawler was being kept. There was a giant steel door, which opened to the giant paddock we kept him in. Once I stepped in, he closed the door behind me.

I looked around the paddock. There was nothing in it except for the creature and a pool the size of a trampoline that had water in it, in case he needed to drink. When I walked closer to it, I spotted some spikes his back. Perhaps he got impaled by something? But from what?

I saved those questions for later, since primary goal was to study him.

His face was like any other skull crawler’s, except this one had a saber teeth in its bottom jaw that were located in the front. He had one on each side.

As I was ready to get an even closer look, the creatures eyes opened at looked directly at him. He got up immediately and roared at the sky, with the small spikes on his back growing larger in size. That’s when I figured out they were part of him.

After doing his horrific roar, he turned his attention towards me. He approached me slowly, but the most surprising thing was that he didn’t eat me yet. This is when I had the stupidest idea ever, which was of course talking to him. Or at least to see if he could understand me.

“It’s ok. It’s ok. I’m not here to hurt you. We found you in a desert completely dehydrated. Food is on its way. You’ll be provided with everything you need. We left you some water, because I’m sure it’s about time you had some

The creature twitched it’s head, but then walked towards the water and drank from it. I saw the spikes on his back go smaller, until I could only see the tips of them again. After drinking water, he turned his attention back to me.

“Like I said before, I’m not here to harm you. But I can trust that you won’t harm me. After all we did save your life.”

That’s when I did the second most stupidest thing, which was reaching my hand out to it. But that stupid idea became an astonishing one, as the creature got closer and closer until his head touched my palm. When doing this, he made a noise that almost sounded like a purr.

I was filled with horror and excitement at the same time. He did get his head away from my hand, and just started wandering around in the paddock he was being kept in. All he could do was scratch walls or pee floor tiles.

That’s when I gave him the name Scourge. It matched him, after all his kind was known for being destructive and brutal. I would visit him every now and then the second I get the chance to. We slowly grew a bond, and every time I came in to see him, he would always recognize me.

Years have passed, and he was too big to be kept in that paddock, so I decided to take him in yo my cabin, which is where I lived. It was a nice environment, having a lake nearby where Scourge could drink out of, and a forest, which is where he would find his food.

I still work for Monarch and give them every single detail of Scourge’s behavior, and so far it’s been great. I was alone before I took Scourge in too live with me, but now I enjoy his company. And I’m sure he enjoys mine.

(This is the story of how these two met! I hope you guys enjoyed it! I will be drawing Carlos to give you guys an idea of how he looks like!)