#because I was staying up until 2am listening to very specific parts of the song on loop while puppeteering sock puppet hyde

[melonpond]

He (sock puppet Mr. Hyde) haunts my every thought

[hopelessromanticvirgo]

Sincerely, Always Yours

Chapter 37

Chapter 36

Warning: mature content: heavy drug use.

Robbe is seeing things, he can’t put his fingers on what’s he’s seeing, specifically but he’s definitely dreaming, or it feels like it. There is a moon in front of him, dancing slowly, carefully with the sun and Robbe feels like an intruder, like he’s not supposed to be here.

He needs to get out. But he can’t because his legs are numb and he’s laying on the cold floor, but he’s happy.

He’s extremely happy because he’s not alone.

Jens called him very late at night yesterday, waking him up at 2am, screaming in his ear and Robbe had to take a few minutes to get him to calm down and find out what the hell he wanted at this time of the day.

Rubbing his eyes, Robbe was questioning why he even decided to leave his phone on unmute. His friend was telling him how he got invited to that one girl’s party he always wanted to go, and now that he was single, he couldn’t have any problems going there. Not only he got an invite as he calls it, he also managed to hold onto a very strong shit to smoke. Jens doesn’t know what exactly it does, it wasn’t weed, it also wasn’t an ingestion drug, it was something in between and Jens got the variety of them. All he knew about it was that it was strong, something not to take alone without anybody watching over you so you wouldn’t do something stupid, it was a hallucinogenic, and if you took much, it basically fucks you up. Robbe scolded him, asking why he even wanted something like that, but Jens was so happy he had them that the poor boy couldn’t change him mind.

A party Jens mentioned was taking place the next day, late at night as usual and Robbe and his friends were invited too just because apparently Robbe’s friend was good with his tongue, “Jens I don’t need to know that” Robbe whined when the boy told him but long story short: Jens decided to drag the boys with him and he could also share his drug, since he had a lot of them and if he took it all, it wouldn’t be no surprise that he’d die.

Robbe refused to take any, but Jens made him promise that he’d keep them at his place until they’d have to go to the party. He wanted to come to Robbe’s house the first thing in the morning so Robbe would be in the charge of getting them to the party but Jens had another problem: Robbe didn’t want to go at all.

The boy talked to him for almost an hour, trying to convince him to come but when Robbe didn’t break, Jens sneakily mentioned “tell your boyfriend to come as well” which definitely made Robbe think.

But he still refused and now Jens smirked and shoot his shot, already knowing that he won in this battle: “don’t you think he deserves to be invited to the party right now? Considering what you did to him last time” and with that Robbe was coming to the party.

Sander was up at that hour of the night, like he usually is. So by 4am, Robbe had already made up his mind and also decided everything: Jens was going to come to his house next morning, hide the drug that he’d have to share with other boys later, by 9pm Sander would come over and him and Robbe would meet up with the boys together. Sounded like a perfect plan.

But when Sander came over and Robbe mentioned the drugs, he seemed pretty interested in it, let Robbe take them out and examine while he casually said that they also needed to take some, which took Robbe by surprise since he knows that Sander usually hates stuff like that, he rarely smokes and drinks, and specially never takes any kind of drugs, instead of Robbe who is a little bit used to smoking weed because of his friends.

But this time he convinced Robbe that he also needed to take some for both of them, and how could Robbe say no to him?

In the end, Aaron couldn’t make it, so when Jens subtracted it to each boys, Sander whispered in Robbe’s ear that he should take Aaron’s quota and Robbe did, even if Jens argued and said that one part was more than enough for two person but if Sander said so and wanted it, he would get it so Robbe didn’t back off and in the end, got both parts, and disappeared with Sander in some girl’s room to taste and see what was up with it.

Two times some horny couple opened the door and interrupted them but then Robbe stood up and decided to lock the door so nobody would disturb them any more.

Loud music was coming from the downstairs, echoing in the room they were in, where the air was smoky and blurry.

Now Robbe realizes why Jens said that they’d die if they took more than what was recommended.

Robbe was definitely seeing things, Sander joked how the it felt like “requiem for a dream” and Robbe had to mention that after he watched that movie, he swore that he’d never take any strong and heavy drugs but here they were.

Promises broken.

Sander laughed and said that if things got bad he was ready to cut of his left arm for Robbe and the boy almost cried.

To honor that film, they decided to lay on the ground, opposite of each other’s bodies, their heads touching, looking up the ceiling, talking.

“Do you see that?” Sander asks and Robbe knows whatever Sander will say, Robbe will agree with him, he’d see anything Sander would tell him to see, he’d do everything Sander would tell him to do and he’s not even guilty or embarrassed about it.

“See what?” Robbe asked, while staring in front of him, his eyes unfocused.

“The Saturn.” Sander blurted out and burst out laughing. Robbe felt the vibrates coming from his body right next to him.

“I see the moon and the sun but give me a second, I will see Saturn too.” Robbe whispered against him.

Sander was way more affected than him, not having that much experience with any type of drugs, so Sander was way out of this world, while Robbe still had some kind of ability to think sanitarily and clearly.

“What are you thinking about?” Sander asked with his eyes closed, after Robbe was quiet for a while, just having his head turned a little bit to look at his boy.

“I’m thinking about you.” He mumbled, putting his hand in his hair, running his fingers though it.

“What about me?” Sander smiled cheekily and asked.

“Oh, Sander... everything about you...” He whispered but loud enough so the other guy could clearly hear him.

Sander got silent.

Robbe wasn’t even expecting any answer.

The party has already started for a while now, Robbe doesn’t know how long they have been up there, together, alone.

The boy can hear the music coming from there, shaking the whole house, the songs not that hearable but somehow still pleasant.

Robbe recognizes the melody but he can’t put his mind on it. It’s like he knows it, but at the same time, it’s the first time he has ever listened to it.

Robbe couldn’t ask for more. Sander and him were on pretty good terms. They were joking together again, hanging out, one time Sander even spent the night at his place, both of them accidentally falling asleep on the couch while the credits of the movie they were “watching” was rolling.

Sander feel asleep earlier, Robbe was still a little bit conscious when he felt the boy putting his head on his shoulder, struggling not to snuggle up with him, not to lay his head on top of his, not to kiss his forehead.

This is Robbe’s own personal hell, he guesses, he has to be there for Sander, only to admire him from afar but he’s so deeply in love, that Robbe is more than ready and happy to only have a platonic relationship with him. All he wants and needs is for Sander to stay in his life, forever and he’s sure, he will do anything to make that happen.

Right now they are close to each other and all Robbe wants, is to roll over and kiss him to death.

But we can’t always have what we want, can we?

“Sander. Can I ask you a question?” Robbe looked at him, at his closed eyes, red lips, skin, and swallowed.

How can he be so pretty?

The boy opened his eyes when he heard Robbe’s voice, his face pale, circles around his eyes - red. He’s gone, somewhere far away but his body is still stuck here.

“Yeah. Shoot.” Now staring deep into Robbe’s doe eyes, making the boy nervous by each passing second.

Robbe’s hesitating. There is a lot of things he wants to say, but one topic is the most specific.

He wants to know it but at the same time, he doesn’t because he believes that he already knows the answer.

It will only break his heart.

How many times should Robbe break his own heart by being too curious?

But he decided that it Sander was going to be easy to talk to, it would be right then, when he wasn’t completely in his right mindset.

Sounds egoistical but Robbe doesn’t care.

“Have you - “ he stopped, took a big breath, which made Sander sit up on his elbows, now directly looking down on Robbe’s face until Robbe decided to straighten up and sat down on his knees, in front of him.

“Go on, Robbie.” Robbe automatically smiled at the nickname and gathered his courage.

“Did you - that day - did you sleep with her?” It was pretty self explanatory, Robbe hoped. He fidgeted uneasily with his fingers, anxiously waiting for Sander to say something, not looking up at him.

“No. How can you even ask me that?” He knitted his eyebrows together in confusion which made Robbe double look at his expression before getting taken aback.

“What? But - I saw - wait - what?”

But what about that photo? He wanted to ask.

“I just stayed over, Robbe. Because she asked me to. I couldn’t say no for specific reasons.” Sander looked so offended by the question which only made Robbe more confused.

“You just stayed over.” Robbe said, not asking a question just repeating it, slowly.

“Yeah. I mean, she wanted to but I - I didn’t, so I just spent the night. I haven’t touched her, how could I?” He told him while completely sitting on the floor, leaning his back on the bed, putting his head down on top of it, his legs pushed up together.

Sander’s eyes were way too gone. Robbe knew he was out of this mind but somehow still managed to talk and act normal. Robbe was in such a better state from him, which made him more careful.

His heart started beating fast after hearing that, something was telling him that Sander wasn’t lying, why did he have to lie anyway?

He expected anything but this, couldn’t help but smiled, his teeth biting the lips to try and cover it, but Sander was looking at the ceiling, not knowing about that secret grin.

Then he sat up and took a cigarette from the floor, lighting it up and taking a drag, digging holes into Robbe’s eyes while doing it. Then he looked away again.

“Sander?” Robbe has no idea what he’s doing. He just feels the need to say his name, so he does.

“Hm?” The room already smells like cigarettes, it only took a second, Robbe is staring at it, calmly sitting and burning between Sander’s second and third fingers, on top of his right knee.

“I’m not in love with Jens.” There it was, again, what did he have to lose.

Sander quickly took a glance at him, looked him up and down, clearly not getting the point because of the way he was so high, so knocked out. “Yeah?” He asked and took another drag.

Robbe nodded, biting inside his cheek.

No reaction.

Robbe sighed. If only he had balls to do it when both of them were sober and thinking clearly.

Robbe looks at him, being so far away and being so close to him at the same time.

I'd give it all just to hold you close.

“Sander.” He whispered, his name being the only thing he wanted to repeat over and over again.

“You love saying my name, don’t you?” The boy smirked at him and teased but somehow Robbe got the feeling that both of them knew Robbe adored his name, the way it was rolling off of his tongue.

Just perfectly.

“Sander.” Robbe ignored what he said and whispered it again, leaning against the wall, leaving at least one foot between him and Sander who was still leaning on the bed.

“I’m listening.”

Sander was always listening, very closely to everything Robbe has even said or mentioned. He was always paying attention, which was one reason from many other about why Robbe adored him very much.

This was the moment Robbe’d regret his whole life, he was sure, because he was already feeling embarrassed from what he wanted to ask.

But somehow, knowing Sander was high and wasn’t thinking deeply about anything Robbe was saying made him more confident that he wouldn’t remember this at all so he wanted to use his chance while he had it.

“Have you ever kissed a boy?” He asked and Sander looked up at him, clearly way more interested in the new topic.

“No. Have you?” He breathed out the smoke, looking at Robbe who only shook his head, looking down at his lap.

Deadly silence. So deadly that one might have thought that even the music stopped playing at the party.

“Do you what to change that?” Sander asked and Robbe almost chocked on his breath.

“What?”

“Yeah. Why not? I can kiss you.” Sander said and smirked at him, taking another drag of his almost finished cigarette.

After Robbe stayed silent for a while he added “friends kiss each other don’t they? It doesn’t have to mean anything.”

“Yeah. They - they do.” Robbe muttered, not being quite sure that he was awake. “Wait. Are you serious?” Robbe asked, he even pinched himself, his mind foggy, not knowing if everything that was happening was real or not.

He was definitely hallucinating. Jens said that it was common and they took way much than what they were supposed to.

“Of course I am. Only one condition though.” Sander amused.

“What condition?” Robbe asked way too quickly for his liking, showing how eager and into he was about this, still hesitant but very interested.

“You have to kiss me.” Robbe was sure that Sander was eating him with his eyes, the look he was giving him made his legs shake.

Robbe was confused about what he meant by that but then his eyes went wide when he finally realized what Sander wanted him to do.

Sander wanted Robbe to kiss him.

Robbe to cover the space between them and crawl to him because he was sitting somewhat far away from him.

Sander wanted him to make a first move.

Robbe is sure this is a dream, or some another kind of dimension, other universe.

But Robbe wants to take his chance, if Sander is offering him, why not?

He’s about to have an asthma attack. His heart is about to burst out. The heart that belongs to the boy in front of him, who is looking at him so intimately that Robbe can’t explain it.

He’s ready to risk it all for him, just to touch his lips.

He feels that Sander knows.

Robbe’s afraid that the boy is about to laugh at him, push him away as soon as he will get closer, never talk to him again but deep down he knows that his Sander would never do that.

His Sander would never hurt him.

The rhythm of his heartbeat gets louder in his ears by each passing second.

He moves a bit closer.

Sander is taking the very last drag out of his cigarette, not moving an inch from where he’s sitting.

Robbe pushes himself off the wall, standing on his knees, getting closer to the boy who has his legs pushed away so the place between them are empty.

Empty for Robbe to fill it and take it.

He’s getting close and feels dizzy. Like he’s about to drop on the floor and die, but Sander isn’t moving.

Not moving closer to him, but also not moving away.

Just waiting, staring at Robbe’s eyes.

And as Robbe got closer, he noticed Sander taking a quick glance down at his lips.

Robbe knows that he’s falling in too deep, if he will have a taste, he will never stop.

Maybe that’s exactly what he wants.

The boy is about to touch his lips and he’s having second thought.

What if he will ruin everything between them for this? What if Sander will never speak to him again? What if he will go too far? What if he will cross the line that can’t be uncrossed nor fixed?

But the part of his heart which was waiting almost his whole life for this moment was screaming at him to take his chance, and apparently it was the dominant one. Some kind of force pushed him front and a second later, he was touching Sander’s lips with his own.

Sander let out the last bit of smoke he had in his mouth at the same time Robbe pushed forward and breathed them in his mouth.

Robbe wasn’t ready for that and almost coughed but when he finally felt Sander’s lips on his, he completely forgot his own name, his mind stopped working.

Sander’s lips were as soft as he’d imagine. He tasted like weed and cigarettes, and maybe some beer, but somehow still tasted sweet. It was the best thing Robbe has ever tasted.

He’s head is spinning, he feels on cloud nine. A tongue touching his own, creating some kind of connection that he knows can’t be broken anymore after this.

Robbe’s hands shaking on Sander’s cheeks, still unsure, still hesitant, still anxious.

But it ended as soon as it started, which also made Robbe realize that Sander hasn’t touched him at all, not when they kissed, not when they parted.

He started pulling away but before he even had a chance and before he was able to open his eyes, Robbe was pushed against the wall he was previously leaning on to, with a hand behind his head, protecting it from getting hurt, his mouth covered with Sander’s lips again and he gasped.

The other hand was going up and down from his chest to his neck.

When Robbe realized this was really happening, he unfroze, the feeling in bones and muscles returning, putting his hands on Sander’s shoulders, pulling him closer, making the boy trip a little.

Robbe tried to say everything in his actions, trying to pour down his emotions.

He pulled him ever closer, gripping his fingers in his hair.

Sander pulled away a bit to take a breath and Robbe leaned forward, still clutching his hair while pulling it to make the boy throw his head a bit behind, moving over his body, towering over him and kissing him again, breathlessly.

Sorry that I broke your heart.

Robbe made Sander trip over again, so in the end, Sander was still leaning on the bed like before, Robbe pulling himself on his lap, throwing himself on him, hugging his neck, consuming him.

This time I won’t leave.

“Kiss me again.” Robbe was chanting desperately in Sander’s ear as soon as the boy would part his lips to take a breath.

I won’t let you down again.

Sander pulled away which made Robbe whined, his heart vibrating his whole body.

“Fuck. Is this real?” Sander breathed out against his skin.

“I’m real. Are you?” Robbe asked, trying to catch a breath.

“I know I’m real but I can’t be sure about you.” Sander said, kissed his nose and put their foreheads together.

I’ll treat you better than I did before.

“Sander. Do you feel this too?” He asked, practically sitting on top of him, his hands wrapped around his neck, not an inch between their bodies.

“You being hard against my thigh? Since yes, I can very much feel that.” Sander said with a little smile covering his face and looked up at Robbe.

Robbe immediately blushed, pulled himself even closer to him, hiding his face in his hair.

“Sanderrrr! Not that.” The other boy laughed against him and put his arms up and down on his back, sneaking his fingers under his shirt, just softly touching and caressing his skin, filling it up with goosebumps.

“This. Us.” Robbe added, trying not to touch Sander’s lap that much anymore, which obviously didn’t go unnoticed, but luckily for Robbe, Sander didn’t make any comment about it this time.

“Yeah. I feel that too. And I feel you, right here, against me, in my arms and I don’t want to ever wake up from this dream.” And with that, Robbe was melting.

“Kiss me. Kiss me again.” He whispered in his ear, closing his eyes, getting lost in the feelings and Sander wasted no time doing exactly what he was told.

* * *

They are laying on the floor, this time right next to each other, Robbe having his head on Sander’s chest, practically laying on top of him, their legs entwined together.

They are both flying though the air, dancing around.

Sander took more dose, Robbe tried to take it away from his hands but Sander put it up, out of his reach, and then when Robbe didn’t give up and was shaking the ground from jumping up and down, trying to get and reach it to snatch them from Sander, afraid that something bad would happen if they’d take more, Sander kissed him to shut him up and distracted him, and Robbe forgot about everything else, melted on the ground, his eyes rolling back and that’s when Sander took his chance to take more. Robbe got mad at him but it only lasted a few minutes until he was snuggling by his side again, making sure to keep Sander awake, since he knew it needed at least two hours in the body after it wasn’t hurtful so he had to make him entertained, which he wasn’t that good at.

Robbe was constantly kissing him, Sander kissing him back, running his fingers though his hair, kissing his head and temple.

Right now Robbe is laying on his right side, Sander’s one hand in his hair, other on his waist, keeping him close.

“Do you think this is really happening?” Robbe asked after a while, playing with Sander’s hoodie’s strings.

“Hmm - don’t think so.” The answer caught him off guard.

“Why?” He looked up.

“Do you think we’d be doing this for real if it was the real life?”

Doing this.

Kissing.

Hugging.

Sander was right, Robbe guesses that it’s a part of his imagination but doesn’t want to admit it.

“Yeah. Maybe we just traveled in another universe.” Robbe hummed, enjoying the warmth of Sander’s body, not trying to admit that he was either dreaming or hallucinating.

“Wait.” Robbe threw a glance at him, their face inches apart.

Sander was smiling down at him, with a secret, knowing smile that Robbe couldn’t figure out the meaning of.

“So, you think that we’re together in another universe?” Robbe blushed, and rolled his eyes, hid his face in his neck, which made Sander laugh and pull him even closer to his body, as if it was possible.

“Maybe.” He added after a while when he felt that Sander was waiting for an answer.

Sander got suddenly so quiet that Robbe forced himself to put his body on his left elbow and look at him.

“Hey. What’s wrong? Are you falling asleep? You know I won’t let you, I need to make sure you won’t pass away in your sleep.” He joked but in reality, he was really scared of the effects the drug would have on him, so he was constantly making sure Sander was okay and breathing.

He didn’t get an answer, which made Robbe more worried.

“Sander?” He touched his face and made him look at him, his face deadly serious.

“Talk to me.”

Sander looked over, then away, staring at the ceiling again.

“You hurt me.” With that, Robbe’s blood froze, his breathing getting frequent, anxious.

“W-what?”

“You hurt my heart. This version of you or whatever this is. You’re here, exactly like I want you to be but you’re still not here. It must be an illusion, or a dream. The most happy and cruel dream. And I’m scared to wake up.” His voice was breaking and Robbe has never related to Sander like he did right then and there, on top of him, scared, freaked out, in his arms.

“I’m real. Are you?” Robbe asked, getting upset at the thought of this only being the effect of the drugs, while he’s passed out, on the floor in reality, getting lost in the images of Sander in his mind.

“You’re not real. Maybe I’m not real too.” He closed his eyes again, his movement in Robbe’s hair stopped.

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore.” Robbe said, wanting to disappear, not feeling calm anymore.

“I’m sorry. I made you upset.” Sander whispered, kissing his forehead, making Robbe smile sadly.

“You never make me upset.” He laid down on top of him again, looking at his face from his place on Sander’s chest.

They stayed silent for a very long time after him until Sander started mumbling something that Robbe couldn’t understand.

“What are you trying to say?”

“I - I -“ Sander started but he stopped, sounding like he was in pain which made Robbe worried. He tried again but with no luck. Then Sander groaned. “fuck - why is this so hard? You’re not real, why can I just say it?”

Say what? Robbe wanted to say but stayed quiet, even hold his breath for a while.

“Robbe?”

“Yeah?”

“I - you and I - I don’t know how to - I -“ He groaned again and hide his face in his hands, Robbe not daring to move.

Sander didn’t say anything for a very long time, then mumbled “just kiss me.” Robbe kissed him, thinking about what he wanted to say to him, not getting a clear answer to it.

They stopped talking after that, just staying in each other’s warmth, breathing each other’s scents.

Robbe could still hear music coming from the downstairs, making his ears ring.

He feels like he’s about to cry, realizing that they might not even be real, they might not be on top of each other right now. Robbe’s lips start to tremble, his eyes getting blurry, so just to try to control himself to not burst out in tears, he pushed himself more into Sander’s neck, touching his skin with his lips.

A very good plan to distract himself from thinking about real life forming in his brain but he’s hesitant, not being sure about it. Not being sure how Sander would react to it.

He’s not real anyway, what do I have to lose? Robbe mused in his head.

“Can I - never mind - it’s stupid.” Robbe mumbled and was about to get down from his neck when Sander tighten his grip and kept him there.

“You can do anything you want.” Sander said and the tone of his voice made Robbe realize that both of them were sad about that previous realization.

Realization that they weren’t together.

Realization that they would never get what they truly wanted.

“Are you sure?” Robbe asked, his lips desperate to touch the skin on his neck, like it was asking to be kissed.

“Uhuh.” Sander closed his eyes again and Robbe had to shake his arm to make him keep his eyes open, still scared of the idea of Sander falling asleep just yet.

Robbe smiled, getting up and sitting right over his chest.

“Wow. What’s your plan?” Sander’s panicked voice asked when he saw the brunet towering over him, Robbe running his hands up and down on Sander’s chest, bending down, getting closer to his face, touching his lips to his ear, whispering: “can I kiss you here?” Didn’t even give Sander an opportunity to answer him, lowered his head a bit and started kissing his neck, making the boy’s eyes roll back, letting out a desperate sigh.

Spent a few minutes there, just licking and kissing his skin, then going up again, smirking, licking the little part of his ear, asking “can I leave marks?” which made Sander moan and grip the end of his shirt tightly in his fingers.

“Yeah-h. Just - just don’t make them visible.” He stuttered, heavy from the tension and emotions. As soon as Sander let that sentence out of his mouth, Robbe knitted his eyebrows, slightly turned his head.

“Why? Don’t want your girlfriend to see them?” He gritted out the word girlfriend like it was a curse and when Sander didn’t say anything, he backed down on his neck again, choosing the part right under his ear, where his jawline was starting, place where his mark would be the most visible, and unable to hide even with turtlenecks, started kissing and sucking on the skin, the boy under him whimpering slightly.

When he was finally satisfied with it, he looked at it from a little bit far and smiled.

“There you go. You belong to me now.” He teased, completely meaning it in his heart, but oh boy, he wanted so hard for it to be the truth.

“Maybe I want to belong to you.” He heard a quiet whisper, the boy staring at him like Robbe was the best thing he has ever seen in this world, and Robbe was starstrucked, he has never been looked like this before, like he was everything.

Everything Sander’s ever wished for.

“What?” Robbe dared to ask, just wanted to make sure he heard him correctly.

“Maybe I just want to be yours.” Sander said, now fully looking into his eyes, and Robbe couldn’t do anything but kiss him again.

Squishing his cheeks together when he pulled away. “You’re way too cute, do you know that?” Making Sander smile and blush at him, his eyes half open.

“And so pretty, and handsome, and beautiful, and smart. Just perfect.” There weren’t enough words in every language that existed to explain how much Robbe adored and loved this boy, how much he wished that he’d just hug him and never let him go, ever again, how much he just wanted to disappear with him, just keep him all to himself, for him to love and admire.

“Perfect for you?” Sander asked but Robbe couldn’t answer, he cuddled to him again, and whispered: “kiss me again.”

And Sander did exactly that.

He kissed him again, and again, and again.

Robbe knew nothing would matter tomorrow anyway, so all he could do right now was to use this moment, hallucinating or not, to feel the boy he was so deeply, hopelessly, in love with.

Sander didn’t hold back as well.

Both of them getting lost in each other’s lips and scent. Them taking and tasting each other like a drug.

And Robbe was unfortunately right. Even if they remembered some of the stuff that happened the night before, both of them were sure it was just an effect of the drugs they took. The only thing that could be counted as a proof and as an evidence that the last night was real, was a very big, red mark on Sander’s neck, right under his jawline but when the boy first saw it in the morning, for the love of god, he could not remember where he got it from.

Chapter 38

[n0r14k1-k4ky01n]

hello! this might be a bit of a weird alsk but can i request headcanons for the crusaders x reader having a vibe session at 2 in the morning? maybe they just had a rough day and decided to listen to loud music at 2am and dye their hair to make them self feel better. the reader is a bit less verbal about their emotions so they just kinda vibe to music? thank you for your time, have a nice day/night/evening!

!!! First ask, woo!!! This is actually so adorable, I love it- I'm gonna say this takes place after the Egypt trip (in an everyone lives AU, of course) so no one is pestering you to sleep for obvious reasons, lol. Also, I wasn't sure if you meant for this to be romantic or not, so I made it kinda ambiguous. You can interpret it how you like tho!!

Crusaders Having A Vibe Session With The Reader At 2AM!!

Jotaro

Jotaro... Probably doesn't sleep very well anyways.

He hears you up and moving at 2am, gives a quiet yare yare as he realizes he's not gonna get any sleep tonight, takes a few minutes to mentally prepare, and goes to check on you.

He finds you as you're waiting for the dye to set, raising an eyebrow, but not reacting much otherwise.

He's used to nonverbal communication, not to mention observant as hell, so he can tell pretty easily that you're not doing so hot.

"... Bad day?"

You just nod in response. He sighs and sits himself down next to you.

This is a rare opportunity to lean on him without being pushed off. He might even put an arm around your shoulder.

He's gonna help you with the rest of your hair if you ask, but only if you explain how, and let him pick the next few songs. He has a very specific music taste, it's a wonder he's been listening to what you put on with only a few snide comments here and there.

... But he'll still take your music taste into account too. Don't point it out, he'll deny it and get grumpy.

When all is said and done, you're definitely gonna fall asleep first. If he's up, he's up. He won't move you (other than off his shoulder) but he'll shut off the music, and if you left your phone unlocked, there's a good chance he'll shut off any alarms you have. He's sure you need the rest, even if you might get pissy that he did something like that without asking.

As long as you're feeling a bit better, he couldn't care less if you're upset at him.

Kakyoin

Either he was already out cold by midnight, or he stayed up playing videogames. Regardless, he's gonna hear the music at some point, and go out to check on you.

He shows up before you've actually dyed your hair, a more confused than he is annoyed.

"Y/N, why on earth are you up this late...?"

"You don't have room to judge, Nori."

"...Touché."

He catches on that you're not doing so hot, and sticks around, trying to fall into a comfortable silence with you.

... The key word here is "trying".

He feels really awkward being around people in the first place, especially one-on-one. Add in the fact that there's nothing but the music to keep him from overthinking...

He's piping up every little while with a fun fact about something or another. He doesn't actually know what to say, but he can't stand the silence, so that's his way of trying to fill the void. He doesn't mind if you don't respond with much more than a nod, just acknowledge that he said something and he's fine.

He let's you pick all the music. He likes just about anything, and besides, you're not doing so hot. It's the least he can do.

He'd also absolutely help you dye your hair, and he already knows how. He's definitely looked into dying his own, but is too worried it won't look better than what he already has, or that it won't look good enough to be worth the time/effort/money.

Once again, you'll probably fall asleep first. This man has trained himself well in the art of "I'm doing something, sleep can wait". An Epic Gaymer™ of the highest degree.

He'll probably try to move you to your bed, but unless he can very easily pick you up, he's just gonna leave you there. Maybe shift you so you're lying down. He just really doesn't wanna accidentally wake you up.

Avdol

I'm gonna start this one off by saying I'm so sorry, I have no idea how to write for Avdol-

Probably still up when he hears you. One of my personal headcanons is that he opens his shop in the evening and shuts it down in the day, since tarot stuff seems to be a lot more popular with the night crowd, so he's on a bit of a weird sleep schedule anyway.

Immediately concerned. He's pretty good at picking up on other people's emotions.

"Y/N, you look down. Is there anything I could do to help...?"

Just ask him to stick around and he will. He might even make you some tea, if you like it. Or like, hot chocolate. But no coffee unless it's decaf, he's not about to let you stay up later than you need to.

He's okay with the silence, actually. Will open his arms up for a cuddle, if you want. He's such a good space heater cuddler.

He doesn't really know how to help you dye your hair, but he'll try if you tell him how! Honestly, just let him know what you need in general, and he'll do it in a heartbeat... So long as it's not gonna backfire in the long run, like caffeine, or starting a big task/project (it's the middle of the night, for Pete's sake).

Might suggest listening to quieter music after you've finished with your hair, in an attempt to help you wind down and maybe fall asleep.

... But it's a 50/50 as to who actually falls asleep first. If he manages to stay up, he'll try and carry you to bed. If he can't, he's gonna wake you up and tell you to go properly lay down. He feels bad about disturbing you, but it's better than letting you sleeping funny and get a sore neck.

Polnareff

See, Polnareff needs his beauty sleep. He's out at a reasonable time, 11 at the very latest, and your music absolutely woke him up.

He's gonna stomp out of his room grumbling and groggy.

"It's 2 in the damn morning, Y/N, what the hell...?"

Not the most observant of the bunch, so for him to clue in, you'll either need to look like death, or straight up tell him you feel like shit.

Any hint of grumpiness or sleepiness is gone in an instant, replaced by a small gasp and so much worry.

This man is absolutely going to help you with your hair. Hell, if you let him, he's going to try and give you a full-blown spa experience. Face mask, nail painting, he might give you a massage!! Please indulge him, it's going to be so nice and he's going to be so happy he could help. But, if not, he's more than happy to just sit with you.

However, unless you specifically ask him to be quiet, he's going to talk your ear off. He won't mind if you don't respond, he's more than happy to just blabber about anything that crosses his mind.

Hell, even if you do ask him to hush, he's gonna struggle with it. He never stops talking, the absolute dork.

He'll suggest songs he thinks you might enjoy, and will sometimes ask if you can skip one or two that he really doesn't like, but for the most part you have free range over the music.

He's going to try so hard to stay awake, but he's used to a full 8 hours or more, so he's falling asleep first. Though, when he wakes up, he's gonna remember what happened last night and apologize profusely for passing out on you. Oh, and compliment how nice your hair looks in the natural light, of course.

Joseph

Another early sleeper. When he was younger, he'd stay up until the wee hours of the morning with no problems, but nowadays he's pretty consistent about passing out at 10 on the dot. Your music woke him up, which is impressive, because he sleeps like a rock.

Manages to be less grumpy than Polnareff when he comes out, but not by much.

"Geez, Y/N, could you please save all the noise for the daytime?"

However, he's still got his paternal instincts, and as soon as he gets a good look at you, he's gonna know somethings up.

He's gonna insist on helping dye your hair. Hell, if the dye is temporary, there's a good chance he'll ask if he can dye his too! He doesn't see why not, and besides, it might get you to smile.

That's his main goal here, actually. He'll try not to talk too much, but similarly to Kakyoin, he's not great with silence. The difference is that he's gonna fill it with terrible dad jokes and over-the-top stories rather than fun facts. But if you really want him to shush, he'll try his best. He'll get quieter the later it gets anyways. He just wants to make you happy.

Expect him to hum along to any songs he knows, but he won't ask you to play anything specific.

Absolutely going to cuddle you if you let him. He's a very good cuddler/pillow.

Although he's probably really sleepy, absolutely refuses to fall asleep first. As soon as you're out, he'll shut off the music and carry you to your bed, no matter if he struggles with it or not. Tucks you in, pats your head, the whole nine yards.

... And then he goes and passes the hell out too. He's an old man, leave him be.

[sortavibing]

Hi hi! If your matchup is still open, can I have a male haikyuu matchup please?

Apoearance: 160cm, have a dark dirty blonde hair with black roots and I wear a black glasses, love wearing skirts and dresses

Personality: cold to new people but wild and weird around close friends, stubborn, determined in the things I set my mind to, independent hence I'm too afraid to ask for help most of the time, always act tough and bottle up my feelings but actually very sensitive and cry baby, hot-headed/short-tempered, will pour all my heart and soul into the things I like, sometimes get shy and awkward and cringe at myself easily even if it's just me having a music jamming session all by myself, kinda bit tsundere but can get very very clingy

Mbti: ISFP-T

Hobbies: listen to songs, play video games or watch esport tournaments

Random facts: very picky eater, always rage in video games and will not hesitate to on my mic and scream at my teammates if they ruin my game but i won't scream at my friends tho, always say weird stuff or give weird replies when I'm lacking sleep even though I still can function normally or when I'm sleepy af, I call everyone bro lmao (F to all my potential future partner who get brozoned by me)

Values I look for in a partner: loyalty, sweet and caring, protective/dominance, able to accpet every part of me because I tend to change myself when I'm in a relationship (if that means they will like me more)

Thank you for answering my request!

hello! thank you for requesting! please i have brozoned literally everyone- like even my little sister :) good time i tell you. anyways, here’s your matchup!

i match you up with bokuto!

bokuto is really good at accepting every part of you, because his personality changes so much, he understands that people adapt and change for specific situations, and he loves every single part of you, no matter the reason you change yourself. he also adapts really fast, which is another added plus.

he is pretty protective, because he really cares about you, and he doesn’t want anyone to take you away from him. if he sees anyone try to make a move on you, he will be at your side almost immediately and wrap his arm around your waist, as he gives the person a death glare until they back off. 

he really likes to play video games with you, so you guys play a lot of horror games together, and he always says he will protect you from whatever is going to attack, but when the monsters jump out, bokuto is screaming his head off and running away from the characters so fast, while you are cussing out the monsters that are attacking you in game, leaving you to do all the work.

if you guys have a music jam out session, bokuto will start singing the lyrics to your or his favorite song really loud and kinda badly, while jumping around and going crazy. you have so many videos of it and they all are really funny. he always asks you to dance with him, and when you agree, he gets even more excited and happy. 

he also loves to give you piggy backs, or just carrying you in general, so if you ever seem sad, he will come over, wrap you in a big hug, and then pick you up and spin you around, because he wants to make you feel better. whenever he is excited in general he will hug you, and the happier is, the more jumpy and touchy he will get.

bokuto has memorized almost every food that you don’t like, so if you guys go out to eat, you will be able to enjoy the food you guys get. he also likes to share what he gets, so you are able to try new things if you want to. i think bokuto is also lowkey picky, so he won’t force you to try anything too different.

one of the most memorable dates you guys went on was at 11pm, and bokuto took you outside to go stargaze, and the entire time he was joking around and just being really energetic and chaotic and it was really funny. you guys stayed out until like 2am, and the entire time you were laughing as bokuto was having the time of his life under the stars.

whenever you wear a skirt or dress, bokuto literally stops functioning for a solid 5 minutes, and when he gets over his shock of how pretty you are, you can expect so many compliments and he become so much more clingy (if that’s even possible). he shows you off to all of his teammates and says stuff like “look at my pretty s/o! aren’t they beautiful!”, and he just makes you feel like a goddess (as he should)

if you ever are lacking sleep, bokuto likes to play along with your weird replies, and the convos will literally be on crack, like one minute you guys could be talking about frog mcdonalds, and the next about the meaning of owl knees, with no transition at all, and once you get more sleep and read the texts back, they are so funny.

overall, you and bokuto know each other very well, since you guys are kind of alike, and when you guys are around each other, you become so chaotic, yet caring at the same time. bokuto loves you very much, so he doesn’t want anyone to take you from him, and he is not afraid to tell everyone just how beautiful his s/o is.

i hope you enjoyed!

[serendipitous-magic]

what’s your bachelors degree, was it your first choice? also if you don’t mind, how do you manage your time to write? do you have anything you do to help you stay inspired and motivated? really admire your work!

Warning: this got longer than I expected! Surprise, surprise. I mean, that should basically be my tagline. I could have that tattooed on me or something. But yeah. Long post coming up, my apologies to your dashes.

Hi! My bachelors is in communications, which was a result of me originally wanting to major in English and then being told repeatedly that an English degree was worthless and I shouldn’t waste my time. Turns out I shouldn’t have majored in either English or communication, but at least a COMM degree is close enough that it at least overlaps a good amount with what I really want to do. That all being said, I’m going into film studies / cinema for my masters degree in a year or two (my current plan is to move to either Cali or NYC and live there for a year to get residency and then going to grad school for the in-state tuition rather than the out-of-state tuition, blah blah blah, not trying to bore you with my life story here).

ANYwho, TL;DR: my bachelors is in communication and I’m graduating this December (if all goes well), and then for grad school I’ll be doing film studies so I can angle towards a career in storytelling of some sort.

As far as managing my time to write, uuuhhhhh... (Side-eyes my many WIPs that get updated every four months each if that) I’m very bad at it. Lol. Although, I will say that while I don’t often get to actually sit down and just write, sooooo much time goes into pre-writing. Like, stories and scenes are almost literally all I ever think about, all day, every day, 24/7. Unless I really need to be intensely focusing on something else (like doing homework or having a conversation with someone or whatever), I’m quite literally constantly running scenes through my head. It’s just how I think. It’s how my brain works. Always has been. If I’m driving, I’m daydreaming scenes and story ideas and dialogue. If I’m at work on autopilot, I’m daydreaming scenes and story ideas and dialogue. If I’m listening to music... You get the idea. 

So, that’s kind of “Step 1″ for my writing, and then “Step 2″ is finding the time to jot down some bullet notes in a document somewhere to be used for something later, and then “Step 3″ is usually when I have a little time to work on drafting a particular story and I’m like “Heeeeyyy, what about that one scene I was making up when I was listening to Heartbreaker by Marina? The one where the two characters are at a county fair or something... Where the hell did I write that down... Here, yeah! I could adapt that scene to fit this story and use it to convey this plot point!” Aaaaand then “Step 4″ is actually writing the damn thing. So... It’s a big, long, messy process that involves like 100% daydreaming, and then like 10% of that actually makes it into bullet notes, and then like 1% actually makes it into a fully fleshed-out story.

But I will say that, given a full day of no responsibilities and adequate motivation and caffeine, I can knock out a pretty big chunk of words at a time. Like, I can sit down and write 8,000 words in one day if I start in the morning when I wake up and go until like 2am lol. (And I absolutely will if I get into a flow and I don’t have anything else I need to be doing. It’s kind of scary lol.) 

As far as inspiration and motivation, I’d say my three biggest tools are 1) pre-planning, a fuckton of brainstorming, and lots of notes (see above), 2) pinterest, and 3) music, with coffee getting an honorary mention. 

I’m a visual learner, so having a million pinterest boards (no, really, take a look - I have an obscene amount of pinterest boards for characters, stories, settings, etc., lol) really helps me get inspiration for stories and organize my ideas and thoughts in a way I can see. 

Music basically acts as a soundtrack for daydreaming / story planning, and in fact I have many songs where (over months or sometimes years) I’ve built up one specific scene around that song, and will one day write that scene into some story. (Like, The Hand of Fate Parts 1 and 2 from the Signs soundtrack will always, always be this scene I’ve been repeatedly daydreaming and perfecting for years, and I can’t actually tell you about it because I’m using it in the finale of  TRS3 and, like, spoilers.) (Or, We R Who We R by Kesha to me will always be the soundtrack for that one short film / short story I haven’t written yet wherein an intern for a minor crime syndicate is voluntold to go parlay with the notorious boss of the rival crime syndicate, and he finds him in this southwestern dive bar, and they actually end up hitting it off and leaving together (it’s gay btw), and then the intern switches teams and joins up with the boss and then they discover that the original crime syndicate was actually corrupt and double-timing him and... It’s involved, okay? It’s got some funny scenes and it’s kind of like a comedy. But the point is, We R Who We R will always and forevermore be the soundtrack to that story in my own mind, even though I have never actually written any of it.) 

Both the pinterest / visual inspiration and the music inspiration factor very heavily into the brainstorming part of my “process.” 

But yeah if anyone is still reading after all that, haha, that’s pretty much my writing process! I’m only just starting to learn the very basics of screenwriting, so we’ll see if I end up developing a different or separate process for screenwriting than for prose writing, but that’s a later-problem.

(Psst, three guesses what my main stumbling point in refining my writing is. If you guessed “being less long-winded,” you win the prize.) 

[oftripps]

“ –– wow. ”  it’s not so much a critique as it is a g-rated expletive. tripp forces a smile mid-chew and blinks. “ my tastebuds are screaming. gah–– uh, singing. singing. ”  he avoids swallowing and as ring-decorated fingers snag a napkin, wide eyes drifting to the tabletop as a small jingle breezes past tensed lips. “ ~ allergic to mushrooms ~ ”

or, alternatively: this is somethin’ new! the caspar slide pt. 2 !! & this time, it’s ‘bout to get funky !!  so i’m linc and this is tripp and he’s........ a trip, honestly, so let’s just... yeet on into this ––

( joe keery + 22 + muse 12 ) isn’t that phillip joel “tripp” goodman over there? i heard he joined faction: one after they got back to west ham. it’s funny, ‘cause they were only on the service trip because HIS BANDMATES DUPED HIM INTO THINKING THE SIGN-UP WAS FOR A WOODS-THEMED OPEN MIC GIG. hopefully they fit in there – they’re JAUNTY but also OUTRÉ. oh, i’m sure they’ll be fine.

out the door !  ( tripp goodman: a roadmap )

look up townie family in the dictionary and you’ll find a portrait of the goodmans directly beside. these folks have a looooong flippin’ legacy here in lil’ ole west ham, kansas. it all started with montgomery goodman, a good man, who helped west ham’s founders break ground on this midwestern charmer several centuries ago. and now, the goodmans still live on the same property –– a refurbished farmhouse ( now closer to mcmansion ) surrounded by five acres of roooooollin’ hills. once upon a time, they were farming folk. now, theresa and joel goodman run the town’s one and only veterinary clinic. 

honestly, growing up? tripp was a problematic kid. he’d take in frogs from the woods and start his own frog hotels. he’d sneak pets from the clinic to school who “ needed help learning their numbers ”. in class, he’d flick sunflower seeds at the backs of his peers’ heads and, when threatened with discipline, claim he simply “ wanted to see if they’d grow  ” .  so no, to answer your question–– tripp never really saw the real wrath warranted by his rulebreaking.

in fourth grade, he chose the saxophone as his required instrument. he caused such a commotion in his house, that his parents asked his teachers to suggest something quieter. the viola. the flute. the clarinet. the piano. instruments came and went,;instruments were quickly mastered and abandoned. because dear lord, how many times could they listen to the spongebob theme song played on woodwind ?!  on strings ?!  once middle school rolled around, little phillip joel knew his way around a whopping total of six instruments, a tally that would only grow in the coming years. eventually, his parents caved and allowed him to keep playing, so long as he respected instrument curfews. they gave song requests to avoid hearing the same pieces on repeat: the goodman household was probably the only one blessed with an oboe-and-beatbox rendition of under the sea. young phillip joel’s take on the issue was simple: not all heroes wore capes.

( tw: domestic unrest, mentions of violence ) theresa and joel split when tripp was 9. just seven months later, tripp’s mother moved in with her girlfriend: tripp’s guitar teacher, ms. lillith. tripp didn’t mind ms. lillith. she was chill. he came to find out she could knock back a chocolate milk almost as fast as he could, and she liked her grilled cheeses with swiss only. his best friend became a thirty-six year old woman who happened to be his mother’s girlfriend. and that was fine. he could dig it. but joel goodman? oh no. his family name was tarnished. the scandal was too much to bear. joel sued for full custody and nearly made it, thanks to hometown politics and loyalties. but then he made one fatal mistake: he crossed his own son.

at 10 years old, fifth grade phillip joel returned home to his father’s after school with three fingernails painted effervescent blue. sidney frasier made me so cool, he gushed as he put his colored nails on proud display. dad, aren’t i so cool?  the next day, his dad enrolled him in the town’s peewee football program. he returned home from his first practice with a black eye and a split lip. from a ball, the coach insisted. hit the poor fella square in the face, real strong. phillip joel put up a fight against football; it wasn’t for him. it conflicted with music practice. couldn’t he just play music with ms. lillith instead?

the custody battle persisted. they settled on a parenting schedule. joel contested, consistently, months later. and so the cycle persisted up until phillip joel’s 12th year, when he was knocked out cold on the football field. the broken ribs came from hefty tackles. bruises from the fall. concussion from the impact. but theresa spun it to her advantage: joel had since started coaching the middle school team. this was an instance of parental neglect. and, when the courts didn’t comply, she instructed her son to jump down the stairs. one broken ankle later, and joel goodman was accused of child abuse. his word against his injured son’s. the maneuver won theresa full custody. phillip joel has yet to forgive himself.

after the custody battle’s conclusion, joel stayed in town: but phillip joel didn’t want a thing to do with sharing his name. his mother still scolds him as phillip joel, but to everyone else, he became tripp –– inspired by his knack for, you guessed it!, tumbling over his own two feet.

in high school, tripp was the class clown. always smirking, always grinning, always ready to catch someone off guard. he became a pivotal part of west ham high’s jazz band, and even formed a small group with a few buds: face. they played some school events: homecoming, pep rallies, prom. garage-baked young rock, their songs often preached meetings under bleachers and high school never ending. 

in senior year, the band saw a reboot: and after assuming a more indie, spacey sound and a nifty new name –– 1757. –– they saw a rise in local celebrity. coffee shops commissioned them for jam nights. they played on the local radio. so they collectively decided to stick around and see how far they could ride this west ham fame train. with tripp as their frontman, they always leave a memorable impression: he’s not exactly the most run-of-the-mill performer.

1757.’s sound is reminiscent of LANY: i’ve reblogged a few tunes onto tripp’s blog for reference. he’s v much a paul klein / matty healy vibe. big into music. big into losing himself in it.

so what was he up to before the service trip? playin’ tunes. working part-time as a waiter. and brainstorming ways to get out of going on this trip, as soon as he realized his stupid bandmates lied about the form he signed. an open mic in the woods ! pah !  he should have known. but the concept sounded pretty flippin’ cool.

wear our shades on our nose, 'cause we're cool like that ( tripp goodman: the man, the myth, the ledge )

oh god, he’s  w e i r d .  he believes in goblins and ghosts and aliens ( oh my )!

still VERY VERY close with his mother. v broken up about not being able to get through to her, because it was about to be his parents’ wedding anniversary and they were going to anti-celebrate it with big slices of oreo cheesecake and setting things on fire.

how he feels about coming home to west ham: post apocalyptic version.

uhhhh... can he please get a waffle? specifically a cinnamon raisin waffle with extra cinnamon and a shit ton of syrup? actually. syrup with a side of waffles?

why he was banned from his personal twitter.

“ do you even lift, bruv? ”  * proceeds to pick up a teacup & lift his pinkie like a true knock-off british monarch, shitty accent included *

listens to wham! and glam rock. unironically.bluetooth speaker mounted on his bike. no helmet! like an absolute boss. he knows!! wild!! shades on. it’s 2am. it’s dark. but true swag obeys no clock.

catch him biking everywhere stranger things style, actually. his bike’s name is milo because he can roll on for miles. mess with milo and he’ll fuck u up. aka find out if you’re lactose intolerant and slip heavy cream into your meal.

has a strong vendetta against blue doritos. which might take root in some horrific experiences involving cheez wiz, cool ranch, weed, and the new york subway system at 4am on a tuesday. spring break freshman year of college. oof.

he has a lil drawwwwl. tease him about it. he’ll probably blush.

stress-hums chili’s babyback ribs without realizing. catch him singin’ that about to be murdered.

weapon of choice: kindness.

actual weapon of choice: baseball bat.

he will write little jingles to keep morale up. “ so we’re trapped / cash us inside / how bou’ dat ? ”

has a passion for introspective literary quotes. but... has somehow managed to learn each and every one wrong.

friggin’ loves superheroes even though he can’t be bothered to watch the films? he just… always used to get made fun of for liking comic books even though he never read them? “ arachnid man is uh...  heh. he’s pretty dope, huh? ” he embraces the falsehood. someone call him on it.

9/10 times if he’s in the gym, it’s just to eat his donut and watch pay-per-view movies on the bike for free.

apple pie can absolutely be breakfast if you try hard enough. jeez. get with the times, man!

he had a legitimate pet rock before going on this service trip. but has no idea where that bugger’s gone. probably got fed up with tripp serenading him with “ we will rock you ” at all hours of the night.

lawful good. will wave other drivers on forever.

got into an accident on his bike once. bitch broke his arm and he just kept on smiling.  “ no you have a nice day! and uh.... hey. mind if we like... call an ambulance? ”

low key feels like he’s the reason his parents’ marriage crumbled. low key guilty about it. low key wonders if maybe he lived up to his father’s expectations, he might have saved them a lot of grief.

give benny goodman by saint motel a listen and tell me that’s not his soul in audio form.

known for slightly hyperbolic storytelling.

pansexual as heck. falls in love. hard. it’s a mess. he can’t hide it. hence the shades.

he has brilliant hair. and it’s immortalized in his high school yearbook.

is hellbent on being a source of positivity in this terrible situation. can he interest you in a meme in these trying times? how ‘bout a granola bar? maybe a good ole game of mash?

he’s convinced this is an elaborate prank. or a social experiment. maybe aliens. but let’s not question it too much, let’s just.... have a good time? hakuna matata? no worries? lol where the twizzlers at?!

leaves a voicemail for his mother every morning and every night. maybe he cries. maybe.

he has one ear pierced because like.......... senior year of high school, he wanted to feel more cool.

allergic to mushrooms, shellfish, eggs, and harbingers of doom.

he truly boggles minds. just.... v out there? v spacey. he closes his eyes and drifts about on stage, fingers dancing on the keys, body moving in eclectic ways. he says “groovy” and fuckin’ means it. he dresses in prints inspired by grandma’s carpet. lots of half-buttoned flowy shirts, boots, tailored statement pants, dangly necklaces. he’s got his hands full of rings –– they symbolize milestones. and some are just, like... pretty. and one’s his mother’s old wedding band.

where the hell are my friends !  ( wanted connectz. )

i was gonna do a whole section on this and got lazy but like.... anything. all the things. good, bad, ugly, beautiful. hurt him. make him suffer. but also support him a bit.

i imagine he’s got a solid squad goin’. he’s in faction one too, so... hmu for those.

i feel like he’d be pretty chill with the greeks? yeah bro, he parties. he’ll chill. he’ll crack open a cold one and pretend to understand what those letters on your jacket mean! pie-apple-fate-uh? cool stuff !

ride or dies. pls.

he needs someone to like....... melt his heart. maybe someone unexpected.

thisssss got long & disorganized but yes! let’s plot! let’s do this thang! #hype!!

[sukunasdirtylaugh]

Sargent 107   (1/?)

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Nurse Reader

Word Count: 1.5K

Warnings: NO SPOILERS FOR ENDGAME!

Summary: What if Bucky survived that fall from the train? What if, all he hoped for was not fully lost? What if there’s someone somewhere that understands him?

A/N: This is my first series ever so wish me luck! I also came up with this idea at around 11pm last night and wrote up until 2am. I did some more writing today and i feel decent on how this story will evolve. I’ve got some more chapters in mind so let me know how this goes!

Disclaimer: The readers name is NOT Primrose. She is named after the flower (nothing to do with The Hunger Games) and I didn’t want to add a (Y/N) for this story because it makes the story seem a bit dull. I chose the name simply because i liked it and it matches the Protagonists Character traits. Let me know how this works and if you would like to be added to the list of updates, please let me know and i will be more than happy to add you!(: 

It felt like an eternity to finally see darkness.

Bucky felt like that fall from the train was equivalent to the amount of years he would’ve lived. He saw himself, saw himself as a child-with his mom, his sister, his best friend. He saw himself signing up for the war, saw the suffering of other men-including himself. He witnessed good men die. Good men. Men that had families, men that had mothers, brothers, sisters, sons and daughters, even a partner; either way, when these men faced death, they were afraid.

He met one guy, named Mariano. Mariano Zaffario. He was a soon to be jewelry keeper and buyer. He and his father would travel all over the East coast to buy jewelry, fix it, and sell it.

Mariano had a fiancé in the waiting. He had just proposed to her days before leaving to the war. Her name was Victoria and she was a young Ballet Teacher.

Lucky man, Bucky thought when Mariano showed him a picture of his Fiancé, I would’ve married her already before leaving the war.

According to Mariano, he already had a song picked out for his first dance with Victoria. And he would give Victoria two rings; one from his grandmother-giving them her blessing- and the other was specifically hand made for her by him. Bucky thought it was a good doing. He wondered if he ever made it out alive.

All he could think of was all the things he never did.

He would never met the love of his life. He hoped to even meet her even in the war, being the hopeless romantic he is.

The young sergeant couldn’t believe he was falling, but he accepted it. He accepted the fact that he would never go to Paris, he would never marry, he would never give his mom the life he promised himself he would give her. Hell, he was going to die a Virgin!

He could never kiss the girl he loved; kissing her with all his being, a kiss full of passion that would radiate love. A kiss so powerful, he could remember even when he was old. But he couldn’t, because he was going to die.

They would never have a child, or walk his sister down the aisle. He would never grow old with his significant other, nor have the honor of living to see his grandchildren because he was going to die.

It all seemed to make sense. All he had to do was wait. Wait for something. Wait to fall.

He wondered how long it would be before he would die. Surely his death would be quick and painless, right?

Looking at the sky, he could see how beautiful it was. He could appreciate it more if it weren’t for the fact that he was falling to his death. Death, aha, such a funny word.  Bucky couldn’t help but grin like an idiot. Almost all of his sentences contained the word death. He was accepting his fate. This was it. He was going to die. He did all he could, he fought, and he would die at any given second.

The sergeant felt some tears running down his cheeks and closed his eyes, releasing one last sigh before all he could see was darkness. 

Bucky groaned. Was he dead or alive? He couldn’t tell. All he could feel was pain in his left shoulder. Heaven was sure as Hell painful-or that’s what it seemed to be. Slowly opening his eyes, he couldn’t tell if he was in a building or a tent. But he was in a bed. Yeah, it felt like a bed. Soft and delicate, like a field of flowers and clouds combined.

“Oh good, you’re finally awake.” Said a voice completely startling him and he began to panic. Her voice was older. Almost like a school teacher’s voice.

“Primrose was waiting for you to wake up at any given moment by now. I’ll call her-“

“Hey Mary Jane? Is the- oh he’s awake!”

Who the hell was Primrose? Mary Jane? Damnit, if it weren’t for his pounding headache, he’d be able to listen to their conversation! All he could focus on was the pain, his headache wouldn’t let him open his eyes so even better, he couldn’t see anything! All he could do was shut his eyes tightly hoping the migraine could leave. 

“Yeah, you get those and I’ll stay here with him okay?” Said the newer voice. 

”Okay, Primrose. Call us if he does anything-“

“I’ll be fine, Mary Jane.”

“Very well.”

 Bucky felt the voice fade off, assuming they left the room. Where was she going?

 “Hey,” a soft voice spoke. It was so soft and delicate that just by hearing her voice, his face softened.

 “I’m guessing you probably woke up a little while ago, right? Here, let me give you this. It should help with the migraine, okay?” She said as she gave him what seemed to be a pill.

“Can you open your eyes?” 

He nodded. Fighting himself, he opened his eyes. When he did, he flinched at the light. The woman in front of him seemed to tone down the lights and by blinking a few times, he grew adjusted to the light. Much better. He mentally thanked her and nodded.

 “You’re probably wondering how in the world did you end up here so first things first: you are safe. You’re in good hands, okay? No one’s gonna hurt you under my watch.” She nodded and paused for a second before continuing.

 “Second, you were found a few meters away from under the train tracks so it’s safe to assume you probably fell from there. Third, you may or may not want to do any extreme arm movements for the next three days. Reason being, is because you suffered an arm fracture that I would even dare to call severe. You had an ‘Open Arm Fracture Reduction and Internal Fixation’ while you were asleep. What that is is that your bones were repositioned and that they were out of their proper alignment; your Humerus was also out of place and you had some cut skin but other than that, you managed to survive. It’s going to take a while for your arm to fully recuperate, but if you rest enough and follow through, I’m sure you’ll be fine. You survived, congratulations.”

He couldn’t believe it. Bucky couldn’t believe it.

 “I’m alive?”

She nodded again. “I’m going to ask you this, but I don’t want you to stress over this question if you don’t have an answer immediately, okay?” 

Bucky nodded. 

The woman before him cleared her throat, “Okay, do you remember what happened?”

“Yes.”

“Okay,” she said. “I won’t ask you for the details for now but...just...take it easy, okay?,” 

He nodded and mentally thanked her again.

 “Okay, I should head back to-“

“Wait,” 

“Yes?” 

“...How long?”

 “How long what?”

“How long was I out?” He asked. 

She bit her lip and looked down for a moment. 

Bucky managed to gulp in nervousness. 

“Almost 3 days. We were getting worried you wouldn’t wake up,”

Three days. Three days. He’s been asleep that long? What happened to Steve? Where was he? Was he even alive? Did he fall off the train too?

“I know it’s a lot to take in, but you’ll get through this. Like I said, go easy on yourself. Mary Jane, the nurse you probably heard of earlier, should be here to check up on you.” she paused once more, “Anything else?”

“Thank you,”

She nodded and offered him a small, genuine smile before leaving, “That’s my job,” 

It had been almost a full day since he had seen the girl. Mary Jane, the other woman that had taken care of him happened to be a very stern person. She spoke with authority and Bucky sensed that she was probably an elder Nurse.

“What was her name?” Bucky asked as Mary Jane pulled out her sphygmomanometer (blood pressure armband kit).

“Who? Primrose?”

“That’s her name? I’ve never heard of that-“

“Of course you wouldn’t know. You’re a man. You’re too busy learning the names of what guns to use or what equipment serves you best in your missions. You’re still young from what I see. No more than 25. You still have a life ahead of you and you’re wasting your time trying to get me to tell you information on Primrose. I know that you were awake when you heard us talking.” She said the last part dismissively and Bucky quickly widened his eyes.

“See? And her name isn’t Primrose. We named her that. After the flower; Primrose.”

“We?” Bucky parroted as the instrument tightened on his good arm.

“Of course. Did you think it would be just two of us? There are about 25 soldiers in this camp; three soldiers serving as cooks. We’re doing our best to get by. Although this camp isn’t as active as the others, your arrival sure caused quite the scandal yesterday,”

“How? What happened?”

Mary Jane scoffed in disbelief, “Did she seriously not tell you?”

Bucky shook his head in confusion, “Tell me what?”

The older woman sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose where her glasses rested. She let out a “Sweet Mary,” before talking.

“We didn’t find you, Barnes. It was the girl that did.”

*****The Audience Rn*********

A/N: Please note that I did some research on the medical treatment. I know Bucky’s fall was pretty big for a fracture but let’s think he fell on something soft, okay? Let me know what you think and if you would like to be tagged to this and the next chapter(: 

[boofmont]

- ̗̀ * ( liana liberato + cisfemale + she/her ) have you seen ( saige beaumont ) walking around campus ? they are a ( 20 ) year old, studying ( linguistics + criminal psychology ). we hear they are in ( theta sigma eta ), and can be ( passionate & irrational ), maybe it’s because they are a ( cancer ). they sort of remind us of ( drunk stick n' pokes at 2am, avoiding cracks in the sidewalk, the familiar riff of an old song ), maybe we can find out more ! ( jamesy the fool + 20 + EST + she/they ) * ̖́- + newspaper photographer, campus tour, swim

lmao hi here’s my final baby she is the love of my life i’ve known her for 8 years i think and she’s come a long way sdfkgh please love her as much as i love her. if i was fictionkin i’d identify solely with her (and she’s not even a self insert ! wow !) **IM STILL ON HAITUS UNTIL MONDAY BUT I HAD THIS READY TO GO LMAO**

TW: ALCOHOLISM, DRUG ABUSE? MENTIONS.

gen. info

full name: saige alouette beaumont

nickname(s): she...doesn’t have any in this timeline but PLEASE, she LOVES nicknames. she’s a nickname slut.

b.o.d. - july 7th, 20 whole yrs old.

label(s): the hedonist, the icarcian, the reveler, etc. etc.

height: 5′7″ thank u very much !!

hometown: thibodaux, louisiana

sexuality: firstly when aren’t my babies bi as FUCK (minus aster). but she also prefers masc-presenting folks

biography

the only child of a world renown fashion designer named manon lévêsque (surname kept b/c Branding) and US lieutenant general robert beaumont

manon’s brand is like...on the level of chanel, and dior, and shit, y’know??

manon’s...obv french, very french. born n raised in france. 

robert beaumont comes from a very southern family, all located in louisana. also french, just more...american.

they’re fucking loaded

saige’s childhood wasn’t the...Usual, childhood. they moved around a lot as due to both of her parents’ jobs. (’cos robert wasn’t ALWAYS a 4-star army man smh)

the longest they’ve rly stayed in one place (minus saige’s ucla yrs) is like...two yrs, tops ??

due 2 that she didn’t rly make...a lotta friends?

but when she DID , it was always the most interesting ppl she could find

but her parents were always SUPER strict

it was like they came together purely to mold the perfect child

like, they controlled where she went! what she wore! who she interacted with! what she watched or read or listened to!

she’d have bodyguards on her when her parents were busy, not nannies

she was taught all the proper things ladies were to learn, like cooking and sewing and ballroom dancing, and more

she was also taught how to drop a man to his knees in less than 10 seconds and how to shoot a gun, but that was it in terms of self defense skdfgh

eventually saige got bored with a life of being carefully watched and attending military balls and fashion runways

how do u surround a girl w/ so much culture and expect her to not want to experience life for what it is?

she learned how to dodge guards in order to go canoeing in the full moon with strangers she’d met five hrs prior, and how to blend in at festivals filled with throat-melting sweet drinks

she almost landed in a tabloid at the age of 15 for sneaking out w/ a boy three years older and her parents paid a lot of money to hide it.

no matter how much they tried to keep her rooted, saige always found a way to bend the rules and escape her lil golden cage

like they even had her homeschooled w/ the best tutors one could pay for n she still yeeted tf out whenever she could

born for the party life t b h

they decided that the best course of action to deal w/ her was to finally keep her in one place so they p much made her go to ucla lmao

homegirl did NOT want to go at first, just ‘cos she HATES being rooted to one place, is used to traveling the world and seeing shit and learning other cultures n shit, y’know ??

but then she joined theta sigma eta lmao n the parties ??

fucking amazing

it didn’t take a lot for her to be convinced to stay, esp ‘cos her parents didn’t quite realize...how big the party scene is

(not like they could’ve sent her to like...harvard or smth...homegirl’s smart but not THAT smart lmaooo)

unfortunately, saige has piss poor self control; and this was too much freedom for her. she was being Too Wild

anyWays the summer before her current year (i ... think she’s a sophomore ?) she went to a particularly wild party and somehow ended up at one of her mother’s collection launch parties w/ a pal of hers !!

and she totally embarrassed her mom !! in front of everybody !! being lil’ ol drunk n freshly 20 yr old !

after that saige was NOT welcomed at home (wherever home was, at the moment, that is). she wasn’t DISOWNED ‘cos that’d be HORRIBLE for the press n god, imagine the media ?? it would worsen it all

but she wasn’t allowed at home. wasn’t allowed with them. wasn’t allowed to see them unless at events they specifically ordered her to come to for press reasons

doesn’t really...know where she’s going to go in the summer ‘cos the summer she Fucked Up she lived out of hotel suites and friend’s couches. n like yeah she can just Buy a place or smth but ?? commitment ?? adult decisions ?? christ !

nobody knows her parents have essentially kicked her tf out and aren’t even talkin’ to her, ‘cos homegirl’s ashamed

it isn’t rly hard to hide it tho ‘cos her parents still give her a shit ton of money LMAO rich privilege

but it can’t fix how absolutely hurt she is

the alcohol , however, COULD

started partying more, and more intensely, and didn’t stop when the parties did

alcohol became part of her diet.

irish cream in her mornin’ coffee, coke n rum at lunch, vodka and like...23 packets of crystal lite in her hydro flask during lectures

without alcohol, she suffers terrible withdraws and those turn her into a completely different person

noBoDy KnoWs

or if they do, they don’t realize the extent of it! just how bad it is! ‘cos she’s a big ol’ faker

she’s fine it’s FINE

personality

i actually have...traits i’ve written for her

positive traits:

kindhearted, optimistic, energetic, dreamy, charismatic, intelligent (to...a degree, lmao), active, charismatic, sympathetic, amiable

negative traits:

naive, dumb (to...a degree, double lmao), self-destructive, spiteful, stubborn, defensive, inattentive, unstable, loud, reckless

but ANYWAYS

if she wants to do smth, she’ll do it

there’s no way to talk her outta whatever she has set in her mind, even if it’s fucking STUPID

‘cos she’s stupid and we love her for it

uuuUuUuUuUUUUhh

she’s a vegetarian, loves animals too much 2 do it

has adhd but she’s not medicated ‘cos her parents suck n young girls r always severely under diagnosed ‘cos doctors also suck

she’s allergic to cats, pumpkins, and penicillin

loves cats

she does her own stick n’ pokes, n will do ur stick n’ pokes if u ask. Loves doin ‘em, but she can’t draw for shit LMAO

however ! she does play three instruments:

piano, violin, n bass guitar

hates piano w/ a burning passion ‘cos she was p much forced to learn. thinks violin is lit as fuck. bass guitar? her fav thing ever. did it as an act of rebellion.

also, even tho she’s just....a whole ass dumbass, she knows like...four languages

yes including english

anyways she knows uUUuUH french, spanish, n latin (for funsies)

is also learning mandarin, german, n irish gaelic (for funsies)

is a big language slut, essentially

and a uh...slut in general

like she just rly loves everybody

she’s SUPER friendly, super confident, like...the best gal to know, ‘cos she’s got sm energy n if u don’t talk a lot ? that’s fine ! she’ll talk for u ! even if u don’t ask her to !

but yes she’s not like EASY but she’s easy

she’s had a few short-term relationships and even fewer long-term relationships

and she doesn’t ! have commitment issues !

doesn’t like getting hurt but also ! she will fall in love w/ anybody !

(i’m kidding every time i’ve ever played her in all my years she’s always, always attracted to like...grumpy tough ppl. that’s her type. do u sell drugs? she loves u. do u get into pointless fights and have constantly bruised knuckles? she loves u. did u sell ur soul to the devil? oh, she rly does love u.)

actually thinks rly low of herself but would NEVER let ANYBODY know that ‘cos god forbid

just keep smilin’ :)

probably uses finger guns

skateboards into EVERYTHING she’s fucking CLUMSY and stupid

will wear gucci on top of her thrift finds (stop going to goodwill if ur nearly a billionaire u dumbass)

that being said she’s not always........aware? she’s not shallow but she’s kind of just...she’ll throw her money at u if u can’t afford smth, and like...doesn’t know how taxes work? and also...doesn’t know how poor ppl go on living?

like she’s highly dependent on her money

she has three fucking cars ‘cos she just thought they were PRETTY

one’s a pick up truck w/ LED lights, one’s the literal car from the princess diaries, and the other’s just a real fast sports car

totally does illegal street racing but ? only sometimes ? mostly for funsies rly doesn’t care abt money at all LMAO

she’s...not very independent

she’s got an addictive personality, y’see?

does MANY drugs, like mdma (ecstasy? molly?), coke, shrooms, acid, the marijuanas. i think that’s it.

a lil bit of a cokehead but only at parties okay uwu

idk how but she always manages to be laidback and yet also super energized at the same time. she just truly, does not give a single shit

also i said she was dumb earlier and like...TRUE

excels at english, history, etc. etc.

but as soon as math or science is involved? fart noise

bad shit

hate it

she can’t focus on shit she doesn’t like so like...that doesn’t help

in other news, she can be best described as a DRUNK TINKERBELL

as she was originally a pixie. it’s suiting

she’s ... almost ethereal

will tease u. will act like she’s known u for years. this is normal for saige.

she’s just rly BUBBLY and FUN okay ! pls love her

like pretty please

she’s my best muse by far and i’ve been rping since 2010

OH okay so like fun fact: her mother still sends her pieces that she hasn’t released yet so saige’s closet is filled w/ clothes she will nvr wear ‘cos she refuses to in order to Spite her Mother

also will GIVE these EXCLUSIVE UNreleased articles of clothing to her FRIENDS as GIFTS as a big FUCK U to the MAN (mom)

she’s just a dumbass

wanted connections

ok so gimme a blackmailer who knows abt saige’s like...issues, n instead of tryn to help her they use it to their advantage to get whatever they want from her :^)

also a TUTOR ‘cos she’s stupid in math n science

party pals like do i even have to explain

childhood friend(s) or like...acquaintances ?? she’s traveled for so long

da PLUG gimme her DEALER

ex boyfriend(s) - she loves ppl, sometimes too much. were they in love? maybe not. did she get bored? did he? who knows?

i mean same applies to girlfriends

just ?? a dude who has completely caught her attention. saige finds him SO INTERESTING for some fucking reason. reminds her of travelling, reminds her of her years of exploring. reminds her of a lotta things, rly. he might b a good person. or ! he might not !

random hookups - past ? present ? fwbs ? one night stands ? i’ll take them all !

best friend - y’know. her ride or die. celeste. i mean there can b another, but celeste. try n compete w/ celeste.

other close friends!

fake friends!

frenemies!

(also am a big slut for the on-and-off relationships where theyre both horrible for each other n it’s not.. Good , but they can’t stop ! they won’t stop ! it’s not abusive but it’s toxic just ‘cos they’re both fucking enablers smh breaking up n getting back together all the time)

bad influence ? good influence ?

roommates ??

[kayliemusing]

20

Are you going to be a hundred percent honest? Yes, I’m usually an open book.

The shirt you’re wearing, where did you get it? My mom’s drawer hahaha.

If your girlfriend/boyfriend broke up with you tonight, what would you do? I don’t have one, but I’d probably cry, write about it, and listen to Taylor Swift’s entire discography.

What are you looking forward to? I’m looking forward to developing my book a little more and understanding it a little more, too. I was having trouble planning it out so I’m starting to just write it out and I’m excited to see where it goes and what happens. On a smaller scale, I’m excited for Spring.

Last movie you watched, with who? Right now I’m watching Ratatouille with my sister.

Has anyone gotten on your nerves lately? Oh yeah lol. Someone who is on my nerves lately more than ever is one of my managers. I just find her hard to work with. She’s okay somedays, but mostly I find her a little unfair and a little mean.

Someone knocks on your window at 2am, what do you say? My window looks out into my backyard which is fenced so I’d probably be really scared because there’s no one I know who would be knocking on my bedroom window unless it was to murder me.

Does it bother you when someone lies to you? Yes, but I guess it depends on the lie. If it’s a big lie, that’s a no brainer. But I can offer leniency if someone lied, for example, about having plans because they didn’t feel like hanging out or something. Context is everything.

Do you feel awkward when strangers say hi to you? Not really awkward, but I get shy.

Do you hate being alone? No, I like it mostly. Sometimes being alone at night bugs me because it’s lonely, but for the most part I’m okay with it.

Are you a morning person or a night person? Morning. I’m usually sleepy by 10 pm.

Are you a forgiving person? I don’t really know. I feel like, yes, depending on the person and situation, but I tend to hold grudges too, even though I wish I didn’t. But I’m usually forgiving if I understand the person and where they’re coming from, opposed to if I think they’re just a mean person.

What do you usually do first in the morning? Check my phone for the time and notifications. 

Are you excited about this weekend? Not really. Nothing special going on. I work Saturday so that’s a bummer.

Does it bother you when someone says they will call you and they don’t? Yes because I don’t like feeling like I’m waiting on them and that I might miss their call, especially because phone calls make me nervous so I feel like I wasted my day with anxiety.

What are you wearing on your feet? Pink socks.

What happened at 3.00pm today? It’s only 1:30 pm right now so I don’t know!

Do you miss the way things used to be? Yes, in many different ways. Obviously we’re living in a pandemic and I miss the normalcy of life without the masks and the precautions and regulations. But other things I miss right now is being a kid (something I always struggle with and miss) but also in my job, I don’t feel like my managers like me anymore and that they don’t want me there so I kind of miss feeling like I belong because I just feel like I don’t. 

Do you care about what people think of you? So much - I hate this about me. I find it very all-encompassing and it makes it hard for me to be myself because I’m always worried I look stupid or that no one likes me or wants me around. I’m working on it, but it’s hard.

Has the opposite sex ever written you a poem? No, but I would love this because I’m a writer too! It could be the worst poem ever and I would literally treasure it forever. Unless it was mean lol.

Did any particular thing brighten up your day today? It’s so warm today! It’s late February so I think it’s going to start being warmer and feeling more like spring. Last week it was freezing and I mean -36 C with the windchill. So waking up to the sun and warmer air was so refreshing.

Are you easily scared at horror films? Yes-ish? I don’t like gore or anything demonic, but I don’t mind suspense and thriller. 

If there was a large spider in the room, what would you say? I probably wouldn’t say anything. I would probably scream and then start crying. 

How important is trust? So important, but it’s very hard too. I feel like you can’t have much of any kind of relationship without some semblance of trust.

Do you believe that everything happens for a reason? No and I think that’s such a cheap thing to say. It’s almost like a way to invalidate an experience or to water down the pain of it. I think things happen and good things can come of it, but I don’t think it’s for any specific reason. I can’t look at someone who, for example, has lost their child and then have the audacity to shrug my shoulders and say “Well, everything happens for a reason”. It feels uncaring. Good things can come out pain, but not because it was pre-destined to happen in order for you to get from place A to place B.

Do you miss anyone right now? Yes, always. 

Do you have good memories with old friends? Of course. Some friends were better than others, but there are good memories with all of them, I feel like.

When do you blow out the candles? March 1 - next week! I’ll be 23.

Do you give out second chances too easily? I’m a very black and white thinker and I think I’m very careful and intuitive with others so if I feel it’s deserved, I’ll give it and if I feel like there’s no point, then I won’t so I don’t think so.

If you died today would your life be complete? No, because I haven’t done anything I’ve wanted or needed to. It would feel meaningless.

Has anyone licked you in the past week? My cat, Archer.

Did you kiss or hug anyone in the last 48 hours? No

Do you get along with most girls? I think so, yes. I don’t like the idea that girls have to be pitted against one another or threatened by each other. It’s such a weird and toxic mindset.

Did you wake up in the middle of the night last night? No.

Has someone ever sang a song to you? Not really, I don’t think. I’ve had friends sing to me showing me their singing voices and I think my mom used to sing to me when I was really little, but not really *actually* singing TO me.

How are you feeling right now? I actually feel really good right now. I think it’s the weather hahaha.

Who did you sleep with last night? My cat slept next to me lol.

Do you straighten your hair? Sometimes! I have naturally straight hair but the ends flip out which is really annoying lol. So if i’m not putting my hair up, I straighten the ends out. It also makes it look just a little nicer.

Do you need to say anything to someone? Not really. 

How many friends do you have that have never smoked? I don’t have very many friends anymore - there’s just my best friend and then old friends from school I don’t see anymore, but I don’t think most of them have smoked. My best friend definitely hasn’t. (To my knowledge).

Think of the last person you said I love you to, did you mean it? My mom and I absolutely meant it. You should tell everyone you love them. The person who took this survey before me said if you say it to much it can lose its meaning and that’s so untrue. I love you is always a full phrase and you should never regret saying it and you should tell the people you love that you love them as many times as you want to. For me, I could say I love you to the same person eight times a day every day and I’d mean it every time. 

Do you think a lot of people think bad things of you? I feel like my brain tells me that, but it’s probably untrue.

Are you an emotional person? Yes, very. 

Is there someone you used to talk to every single day that you don’t talk to? Yes. I felt like we were drifting apart and I wasn’t a fan of the choices she was making so I ended the friendship. I really regret how I went about the situation. I wish I would have just let us drift instead of just cutting it off. I think I was just annoyed and angry with her, but I shouldn’t have gone about it the way I did.

What is the highlight of your week? It’s the beginning of the week right now, but last week I wrote and submitted a short story into a contest and it was approved. I don’t know if it won or was shortlisted yet though. I was proud of myself though because I have intense perfectionism and it sometimes stunts my writing, so I was proud of the accomplishment.

So the last person you kissed asks you to marry them: you say? I’ve never been kissed

Same person tells you you’re beautiful; you say? N/A

What are you listening to right now? No music right now but I’m watching a movie so I guess I’m listening to what’s happening in the movie lol

Do you like nighttime or daytime better? I kind of like both. Mostly, I prefer evening or early morning tbh.

Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? No

Do you mind sleeping on the floor? I can never sleep on the floor - it’s uncomfortable!!

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? My mom

Do you crack your knuckles? Sometimes

Have you ever made someone so mad that they broke something? No

Is there someone who you can spend every minute with and be happy? I’m mostly really comfortable with my mom, but I don’t know about spending every minute with her. I’m very introverted so I need my quiet and my space.

Spell your name without an E. Kayli

In the last 24 hours have you done something you regret? No

What did you do today? I went for a walk and now I’m watching a movie. 

Ever been lied to by someone you thought would never lie to you? See, this is a hard question because the person lied to me but also lied about me and I knew this person lied. We’re not friends anymore because of this situation, but I never had the expectation that they would never lie to me because I was kind of like “Oh yeah sounds about right for them to say something like that”

Have you ever liked someone older than you? Yes.

Do you think you have made a difference in someone’s life? I don’t know. Probably, but I don’t know for sure.

How late did you stay up last night? Only until midnight.

Do you believe that high school relationships ever make it? I’m sure there are some that make it, but mostly it’s hard because people change as they grow up. I guess you’d have to grow together rather than apart.

Do you drink tea? No, I don’t care for tea.

Are you a vegetarian? No

Do you enjoy being single? For the most part. No one has ever showed interest in me (that I liked back anyways) and so I’ve just never not been single. It just feels normal to me? I don’t have anything to compare it by.

Do you believe there is a difference between love and lust? A big difference.

Is there anyone you couldn’t live without? My mom. She’s my best friend and I don’t know what I’d do without her.

Who is the last person you slow-danced with? No one lol. I was the 12 year old sitting on the bench during the awkward middle school dances hahaha. 

Would you like to get married? I would like to someday but I don’t know if it’ll ever happen. 

Do you get shy around guys/girls you are crushing on? Yes very. 

Has anyone told you they don’t ever wanna lose you? My mom lol 

What’s wrong with you right now? Things lol. There’s kind of a list. Mostly, I feel unsatisfied with my writing (although it’s starting to come along now) and I feel unsatisfied or disillusioned with my life. I’m struggling with perfectionism and never feeling good enough, and also depression, so things have been difficult and the good days feel few and far in between. 

Do you truly hate anyone? My sister’s ex tbh. 

Would you share your drink with a stranger? No.

How often do you hold back what you want to say? A lot, because I’m quiet so I’m usually thinking it and not saying it, but I guess I make up for it through my writing.

Would you ever get a tattoo? Yes, but I’ve never been brave enough to actually get one.

Do you know anyone who has messed up your life? No

Can you read other people’s expressions? Yes

Will tomorrow be good? I hope so. I work tomorrow and I’ve been feeling like I don’t belong there lately or just lonely while I’m there, so I hope it’ll be better tomorrow.

What was your last thought before you went to bed last night? I can’t remember. I was reading so I don’t think I was really thinking.

What’s your favorite drink? Hot Chocolate and I really like Diet Coke too

What’s the last thing you had to drink? Diet coke

Does it bother you when people spell/type your name incorrectly? No. Pick your battles. It’s not that big of a deal.

Would you have sex with your ex for $1,000? No.

If you could have one thing right now what would it be? Money probably so I could get the Hyundai Venue which I’ve wanted since I saw it on the commercial last year lol.

What are you currently listening to? Still watching a movie.

If you see a girl with big boobs do you automatically think she’s a slut? No, because that’s an awful thing to think about someone you don’t know and only based on their body type which they can’t control. I think we call that internalized misogyny.

When you and your friends are out and about do you usually get dirty looks? No

What color is your hair? Dirty blonde but I usually get highlights to make it a little brighter.

What’s the last thing that made you laugh? My sister

Have you ever kissed someone named Dylan? No

Why did your parents name you your name? They really liked it. They were going to call me Jaycee and then Erika, but settled for Kaylie.

What would you do if you’re pregnant? I don’t really know lol. I would keep it, but that’s as far as I know.

Are you texting anyone? No

Last person you hugged? My cat lol

Do you regret anything you’ve done this year? Nothing that I can really think about. I’m sure I’ve made mistakes, but nothing to a large scale.

Do you have a bad habit? Yes, I bite my nails.

Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you? No

Would you rather have a smoothie or milkshake? Milkshake except I’m lactose intolerant so it wouldn’t be a fun time without some meds.

Do you have any older siblings? Yes, my sister.

Do you hate it when you go over someone’s house and do absolutely nothing? Yes!! A lot of the times my friends always want to watch tv when I go over and I find it so boring. I prefer if we go out and do something, like go to the mall or something. I always like it when we go to the corn maze in the fall. 

Do you get easily embarrassed? Yes, and that’s on social anxiety!

You doing anything fun today? No :/

Do you put ketchup on your fries or on the side? On the side

Do you ever write in pencil anymore? No, I hate it! I don’t know why, I just prefer pens. They write smoother.

Is anything bothering you? Not right now.

What’re you doing Sunday? Nothing that I know of.

What cheers you up no matter what? Taylor Swift music or a good book. My mom does too.

Got feelings for anyone? No

Do you ever watch anime? No

What time in your life would you like to put on repeat forever? My childhood, but only until like second grade lol. 

Do you know what it’s like to be truly happy? When I was a kid, I think. That was truly my most happy and it was a naive and carefree happiness that I will never achieve again. (And that’s not to be negative - I don’t think we’ll ever have that level of carefree joy again. Not after everything we learn as an adult,)

What alcoholic beverages have you had in the last 62 hours? Last night I had some Boone’s Snow Creek Berry Wine which is my favourite right now because it doesn’t taste like alcohol lol

Ever really cried your heart out? Oh yeah

What is on your bed right now? Nothing. Just my blankets and pillows.

Could you go the rest of your life without drinking alcohol? Yes

Is there someone who instantly makes you smile when they send you a message? Sort of. My best friend usually and my mom. But I smile more when I see notifications for a book update or a book release lol.

Do you believe in love? very much.

Do you have trust issues? Not overly. I think there are some places where I do, but not on a whole.

How did you get your last bruise? This is weird but the wire in my bra bruised my boob. Yeah I know.

Think back in February, how was your love life then? Wow! It IS February! Hahaha. Between last feb and this feb, still non existent.

Are you currently frustrated with someone? No

Is there someone you will never forget? Yes. A few people!

Did you ever waste too much time on a certain boy or girl? No

Last time you felt bad about something? I feel like I have a lot of false guilt about things, so I feel bad a lot of the time.

Do you like cuddling? Yes

Are you anything like you were at this point last year? No, I’m different. Both in good ways and bad ways.

Do you drink water? Not as much as I should.

What’s today’s date? Feb 22 2021

[ringandtherobe-blog]

Peru: The Long Road to Fulfilling the Calling

Last year I was supposed to go to Peru at the end of October, but due to some serious health issues from a previous mission trip, I wasn’t able to go.  The more time that lapsed the more time I felt discouraged that I would ever be able to go back to Peru....the place that I feel at home the most while away from home.

Like every trip to Peru that I have been on, it didn’t exactly go as planned, BUT at each trial that came my way God provided the solution.  Here is the story of my trip.....enjoy!

October 25th, 2019: Travel Day (11am - 2am)

Like many trips to Peru that I have been on the travel was far from “normal”.  I met some amazing people on my journey and some very sketchy people.  On my trip down I was almost kicked off my initial flight to Atlanta to catch my flight to Peru.  But God makes everything work out and I was able to stay on my flight and make my connection in Atlanta.  

After grabbing some lunch I went to my gate for the long wait, and while I was there I saw a very sketchy person.  I won’t get into all of the details about the encounter but I will say that if it wasn’t for the Lord's protection over me I wouldn’t be here typing this right now.  I will heed this warning that my mom gave me before she left for work and before I went to the airport, “If it doesn’t feel right, it’s not right”.  

Now the part I will share of this part of my trip is that if it wasn’t for the Lord's protection and me keeping my wits about me, two “lovely” gentlemen would have swept me up and who knows where I would be right now.  My guess the Sex Trafficking industry.....but let me just say, the Lord will never bring you somewhere and abandon you.  It took me almost 3 years to get back to Peru, where I am called to be and my trip wasn’t going to end by being sidetracked by the Devil’s schemes.  The Devil is real and powerful BUT our Lord is so much more powerful.

After getting out of the airport I was taken to a very beautiful apartment to meet Elizabeth who I worked with the whole week and to of course get a few hours of sleep before starting the mission in full force

October 26th, 2019: Day at Oasis with the Children/Evening Prayer

We had an early wake-up call, but honestly, I didn’t mind.  I woke up and I was so ready to start the day and to start this new journey I was on.  Elizabeth and I got ready and left to go to the beautiful community of Oasis in Villa El Salvador (Lima).  Until this trip I had never taken public transportation in a foreign country, or in America really due to where I live, so on this trip, I was exposed to so many amazing things.  In order to get to Villa El Salvador from the apartment, I took public transportation or Uber each day.  Once we got to Villa El Salvador our journey wasn’t over as we still had about a 10 - 20-minute journey which includes walking and riding in a Moto Taxi (basically a motorcycle and basically super awesome).

Once we finally arrived at Oasis was amazed by the community.  The number of children that had come to learn about Christ, the adults who had also come to learn about Christ, or at the very least see their children learn about Christ.  We played games with the children, they sang songs, they even had skits, and at the end goodie bags filled with food and candy were given to each child who was present........now let me just say that in the nearly 10 years of doing mission work, not much can really shock me into being speechless, but I was speechless.  Not because of the conditions I was seeing and not because of the people I was meeting, but because I had waited, I had prayed, I had cried hours upon hours for this day that sometimes felt like would never happen.  Yeah, I was tired, but I was in Peru.  Yeah, I had no clue what was happening for most of the time I was there, but I was in Peru.  I.  Was. In. Peru. 

That morning was the first time that it had really sunk in that I had...God had made it possible for me to go back to Peru.

Later that night Elizabeth took me to a small gathering where we worshipped.  I will be honest, one of the reasons I love going out of the country.....one of the reasons that I love going to Peru is because I love how passionately the people worship God.  Literally, He is their everything.  They rely on Him completely to provide for them and to see their hearts laid out before the Lord.  That night reminded me of the worship that I love, the worship that is necessary.

October 27th, 2019: Church

The next day we went to church and let me tell you I couldn’t have been more excited to get to church (I mean I’m always excited but even more so this day). In all of my trips to Peru, I was only able to worship once (1) in the country and that was on my very first trip.  It was such an amazing experience I have longed to worship with the Peruvian people again. Pastor Marco wasn’t preaching this day and had a guest Pastor preach. Let me just say, when you are expecting the Lord to show up He does more than you can ever imagine.  If you would like to hear the full sermon let me know and I can send it to you (hopefully).  However!  Specifically, the Lord touched my heart, and even more the misalignment that I have felt since my leg surgery was corrected.  One of my legs has been just ever so slightly longer and I have told people about it and the preacher called it out and through the Lord corrected the issue. 

After the service, we had lunch at the church and then we went back to Elizabeth’s house for a bit.  We then went to a church called Shalom in Villa El Salvador and I had an amazing time. Check out the video here (sorry it wouldn’t let me embed it): 

https://video.fric1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t39.24130-2/10000000_1458982584255467_5046707043717602989_n.mp4?_nc_cat=110&efg=eyJ2ZW5jb2RlX3RhZyI6Im9lcF9oZCJ9&_nc_eui2=AeGrZFPRM2B3Bmk880cKoBAnstxlC2SF6WwtPtqRantdP5Pr_B1IKLo90O5nM156wdSKO9OISeQQeKfNztCT3yLgzPmV_JP-2rDdfJEG2Net6Q&_nc_ohc=ByxpNpzRHSYAQnSnZc1ttxiVcIeB0JDtJuPqo734aoTBwz4ZPoVKXRrCg&_nc_ht=video.fric1-1.fna&oh=ff290ec3e0a65a08523dcb1a4da63327&oe=5E998A1C

After the service, we went out to eat to celebrate a birthday and it was amazing!  Have I ever told you guys how much I LOVE birthdays!?

October 28th, 2019: Visiting with the Women of Oasis/Evening Prayer

I got back home super late, BUT the next day was something I had been waiting for.....soemthing I wasn’t prepared for.....but had been waiting for for a long time.  I met with a handful of ladies one on one with Elizabeth in their homes.  I was able to pray with them, to share scripture, to share the burden that they lived with. 

I listened to each of their life stories, their struggles, their desires, their pain, and their needs. Elizabeth and I spoke words of Life from scripture to each lady and discerned what our Lord wanted them to know.  At each house...the Lord moved.  At each house...my heart was wrecked more and more.  At each house...I saw the pain of my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ.  At each house, I was able to share hope, peace, love, and strength.  At each house, I was able to share in the pain that they are experiencing, the fear that they lived in.  You were a part of making all of that possible because you supported my trip. Some of the families have both parents in the house, but most of the families only have a mother.  This is because their husbands have either:

1) Left them to be with another woman

2) Been arrested and put in prison

3) Died due to various circumstances, however, most of the husbands have not died

I will forever be changed by these ladies and families.

October 29th, 2019: Ica Bound and learning about my Ministry Partners

Part of any trip is learning about the culture in which you are in. Learning about what the “locals” love and what makes the place you are in special.  Elizabeth chose to show me the beautiful Oasis called Ica.  

Ica is about 5 hours south of Lima by public transportation.  Any words that I have to describe it doesn’t do justice, BUT I never imagined sledding down huge hills of sand and riding in a dune buggy, but I did it.  Not only did I do it, but I saw one of the most beautiful sunsets I think I have ever seen.

However, this was the day that I started to get sick with a 103-degree fever.  By the time we got back to Lima around midnight, I was completely exhausted and completely sick.  I didn’t really acknowledge it until the next morning, but I wasn’t in the greatest of shape physically.  

October 30th, 2019: Visiting with the Women of Oasis and shopping

I woke up on the 30th extremely sick, with a 103-degree fever and feeling like someone had run me over with an 18 wheeler. My first thought and prayer was God give me the strength to continue the work you sent me here to do.  I need you to give me the strength to get through today. 

This morning we went back to Oasis and met with the remaining women.  We also spent the morning going from Pharmacy to pharmacy trying to purchase medicine for an expectant mother and for a very sick child. I enjoyed every moment being able to pray for healing and restoration as well as being able to be the hands and feet of Christ.

After we met with everyone Elizabeth and I went to the market to purchase necessary supplies for each of the lady’s crafts that would be on Thursday.  We grabbed lunch and off to shopping we went.  We purchased yards and yards of fabric, sewing supplies, scissors, and so many other things.  One thing you should know about me is that I love the markets in Peru.  Just a great experience.

By the end of the day, my fever kept coming back so I took lots of medicine throughout the day.  I was in charge of teaching a craft on Thursday so I stayed up and learned the craft and then went to bed “early” to hopefully sleep off whatever it was that I had.

October 31st, 2019: Craft Day

I woke up and still had a fever BUT I was determined that God’s work in me wasn’t finished and would not be hindered by the sickness I had.  Elizabeth and I went back to the market to pick up some things and then we met Adrianna and Minerva for lunch. 

After lunch, we went to Oasis and I was able to teach the women how to make headbands to sell and make money for their families.  This was such an amazing day filled with God’s love, mercy, and passion.  The ladies were awesome to work with and I couldn’t have imagined being anywhere else.

After we taught the women crafts we went back to Pastor Marco's church to prepare for an activity with the children. Because I was sick me and Pastor Marco left to go to the doctor.  The conversations I had with him were amazing and completely restored my heart.  When you meet or talk with Pastor Marco you can truly feel God’s presence.  We talked about everything and It felt like I hadn’t been gone as long as I had.  After the doctor, Marco took me to the airport which for me was so bittersweet.  

I think about Pastor Marco and his family often and I know that God is using them to further His kingdom.  Pastor Marco spoke words into my life about my calling and my heart could not be any more at peace to be where I am at right now and to be starting the new path God has set before me. 

November 1st: Travel Day

Once on my flight, I sat next to a guy close in my age that was a Mormon.  He had been serving in Peru but due to some unforeseen things were heading back to the USA.  We had many hours and hours of conversation about God until eventually, I fell asleep because my fever was coming back.  Once we landed back in Atlanta we said our goodbyes.

I grabbed some lunch and went and waited for my flight where I met some amazing people.  I met a pastor of a church in West Virginia, a couple traveling for vacation, and random people just traveling.  We talked about God right there in the middle of the Airport at the gate.  It was beautiful and very much God lead.  

Once I boarded and Landed I met a guy on my plane who was heading back home to Lynchburg.  He asked if I was a missionary and I said I was and we talked while we waited for my bags.  To this day I’m not sure how he knew I was a missionary but he came from a family of missionaries and we shared stories, the airport is always slow for baggage claim, but God will always use those moments we allow Him to move in for His glory.  

Now What?

I had this amazing experience what does this mean moving forward?  This means we are going for it!  My ultimate dream is to do mission work in Peru full-time and I know that right now I’m not able to do that, but that doesn’t mean I can’t start heading towards that goal. 

Right now I am looking for opportunities (anywhere) to talk about my mission work and to try and gain support for future trips. Support not only financially but in people going on trips, prayer, and helping to connect the dots that I may be missing.  If you feel like you or a group of people you work with would be interested in learning more about my work please let me know! I am willing to travel far and near to talk about what God is doing in Peru and my heart and mission for what He is doing there!