#because I really need to get this done before 2017 is over lol

[dnpbeats]

hiii I'm new here and I just cannot believe these guys?? Are these the ones whose relationship was such a "mystery" what haha they literally foreplay on live. I get feral over them being so cute and flirty but I can't imagine the level of shock some of the people longer in the fandom feel? Weren't they always like this I can't imagine not. I mean I recently saw a video here of them doing a live back in the day and phil says they won't get up to more gaming thaf day and dan's going all blushy and flustered. Is this the mystery???

anon firstly welcome <3 secondly.... LOL okay like. yes people have always known they’re together but there were many years where d&p tried to downplay their relationship or at times even outright went against ppl shipping them. I'm assuming you're talking about the livestream they did while on tour. so that was 2018. While this was around the time that d&p started to be more open with how they interacted with each other, keep in mind this was still a year before either of them even came out (though dan started being more open w/ his sexuality around 2016). Before that, it was like Platonic Bros over in danandphil land. In 2012/2013 dan would actively fight with shippers and tell everyone they were idiots for thinking him and phil were together 😭 but it was more than that, they also downplayed a lot of aspects of their relationship. phil went so far as to make up a lie that they met through a mutual friend, they would talk about needing gfs/why they didn’t have them. as far as im aware the first active denial of their relationship was in 2011

to give you more of a sense of what it was like: in 2015, on Oct 19th they were doing a liveshow and acknowledged that it was their “friendiversary” which was like groundbreaking (despite the fact that they were calling each other friends) bc I don’t think they’d ever acknowledged Oct 19th before. When dan made the shipping joke in his diss track everyone lost their minds because, again, before that they either didn’t acknowledge shipping or actively went against it

like. I was in the phandom 2014-2017 and I left for a while. what convinced me to come back? d&p reacting to all the pinofs and phil making “they’re touching” jokes 😭 like honestly. bc when I was first in the phandom, d&p reacting to all the pinofs wasn’t something they really seemed keen to do (see them reacting to pinof 1 in pinof 10 and gtpwtw). but also, poking fun at both shippers and themselves by mocking how ppl used to freak out over them touching isn’t something they would’ve done. phil making that joke is what made me go “oh shit it’s different now.” different bc d&p now acknowledge shipping in a teasing/friendly way (rather than an antagonistic way), and different bc the phandom is also able to look back and go “yeah we were kinda unhinged in 2015” yk?

tldr: them being together was never a mystery but yes, as someone who has been in the phandom a long time, it is still shocking sometimes to see them openly flirting

[sharpbutsoft]

So I know you do digital art, but The Hanged fireMan looks like a watercolor. Do you work with watercolors as well, or is it the program you use?

(please brag about your art process, basically)

Yeah! So I do all my (fan)art in everyone’s favourite innuendo of an art program, Procreate. (Specifically on a 2019 ipad pro with a 1st gen Apple Pencil, both of which I would tentatively recommend if you can get them 2nd hand for less than 200euro like I did)

I did a lot of painting as a teenager, and still paint often to this day. Though I mostly worked in acrylics, I have been known to use watercolours (like, when I was in college I bought a little 3euro paint set and would use the inside of cardboard cereal boxes as diy watercolour paper and paint wild little Irish landscapes… and Winter Soldier fan art, sometimes. 2017 was a different world)

So in summary - I ‘paint’ digitally using some very traditional techniques I picked up over the years, and I kinda prefer digital art now, which I will elaborate on below the cut as I detail how I created The Hanged fireMan…

I’ll start with my favourite digital art ‘cheat’ which is that I use So Many Layers. Like seriously, pretty much every new colour goes on its own layer because I am a control freak and love being able to tweak them all as needed. So for this relatively simplistic piece, I’ve still got something like 20 layers all together.

I’m also usually better at grouping layers but in this one I gave up at some point and it felt dishonest to group them nicely before showing you guys lol

So yeah layers is my biggest hack, but the other is using specific texture brushes

I spent a while playing around with various brushes before finding this Tarraleah one which has just the most delicious watercolour-y texture and a really fun edge to it (and it’s got pressure sensitivity, so I can really control the amount of colour I want to put down on the page)

This background was painted entirely with the 1 brush & colour, and I think it turned out pretty cool. For this particular piece I did have a reference on screen to work off for the most part, but those clouded were just painted with my heart

Next (or maybe before, it’s a while sinceI drew this and sometimes I mix it up) is the lines, which are always done with my best friend, the Procreate Pencil!! I love her, she’s so fuzzy and textured and also if you tilt the tip on the pencil you get a broader line (like with a real pencil) which is just the coolest thing!

When it comes to lines I just sort of go for bigger shapes 1st and details later, and basically always with some kind of reference. I also use a very old & well known trick of putting the most detail into the object of most importance, and leaving the background more loose and vibey

Artists will tell you that this is to draw focus with details. Artists are lying. It’s cause we got lazy after drawing he fun part & phoned the rest of it in lol (I know this because I am an artist)

Also I love this pencil because I don’t have very steady hands and I actually cannot draw straight/smooth lines to save my life! If you’ve ever seen anything resembling a smooth line in something I’ve drawn, it is almost certainly a whole bunch of lines over each other and then erased at the edges to make it look neater

But who needs straight lines when sketchy sketch lines are so fun!

Next is flat colours (the 3layers in the middle with check marks beside them)

I used the same colours as the background, which you can tell from where they completely blend together right down the bottom, and what I genuinely do is use the Tarraleah brush to generally block out he shape, and then go back in with an eraser and smooth out the lines

Why do I do this? …good question

Next is one of my favourite parts, which is adding the lights! Procreate has some really fun -glowy- layer effects - my favourite is probably Add (A) though Colour Burn (CB) is great too for its vibrancy.

Also those 2 layer 11s are there because I duplicated one and then used the ‘Gaussian Blur’ feature to ‘fuzzify’ it (yes, that’s the technical term) It’s a pretty quick and easy way to add a more diffused light effect around something. (I did the same for the yellow reflective strips on the turnouts too!)

Last step now! So full disclosure - I absolutely traced that writing from a photo of a tarot card lol. I actually always trace writing, as, much like drawing straight lines, I’m bad at handwriting on a screen

I also stumbled upon the Exclusion (E) effect by accident - Originally it was going to be a plain cream boarder like a traditional tarot card had, but I wasn’t fully happy with it, so I just flipped through a few layer effects and as soon as I got to this one, I knew it was the right choice

I love the dreamy contrast of the pinks and purples to the dark navy and grey & how it makes everything looks kinda unreal and outer-spacey

And yeah that’s about it! Everything else comes from my 15+ years of Practical Art Knowledge but these are the specifics of how I utilise it digitally!

This was a lot of fun to write out, and I hope that if you’ve made it all the way here, it was fun to read too!

[nshi-ao3]

I know it's a sentiment I've shared before but I have to reiterate that I love your fic!

It's single-handedly forced me to look into Persona 5's story, heh. At first I figured I'd just pick up on context clues and the spoilery stuff I generally knew about the game from the internet, but that isn't enough. Especially since I have a feeling that the stuff that happened there with the Phantom Thieves and the Metaverse will eventually catch up to Joker's no good, really awful time in Eorzea. Though it's not all horrible, since Ren's got a second family now.

I wonder if Joker will open up Alphinaud or Alisiae to talk more about his past life on Earth. Though he doesn't sound like the type to talk about physics unless Y'shtola presses him on it, I imagine he'd enjoy talking about how the world he's from works. Cid would definitely enjoy talking about the technology, Alisaie the injustice and the attempts to make the world a better place, Alphinaud the politics (maybe more contemporary stuff), and G'raha the history (or really, all of the above). I get that all that slice of life stuff will likely take a back seat until Ren's Heavensward trauma express stops and allows him respite. And his reunion with G'raha's will be a while yet.

Another silly thought just came to mind, btw. Imagine if he comes back to Tokyo with the Scions but with time having accelerated relative to the Source/Etheirys. Left in 2016 or 2017, came back in 2025 (oh no).

"What's a Jonkler?" -- Joker, 2025

In all seriousness, I doubt he'd want to get himself and the Scions entangled in Earth's myriad problems and injustices. He will, though, because that's what the Scions do. A whole hypothetical expansion, also involving Ascians and time travelers (of course). No aetherytes, though, so they'll just have to book flights and fabricate passports lol

Anyway, with my rambling done with I hope your week goes well! :)

Thank you very much!! <3

I imagine the fic's a tougher read without Persona 5 knowledge since it's from the perspective of the MC from that game and set after it + a spin off and all... At least you seem to have caught up alright, given the rest of the ask! :P

Joker has talked a little about home at this point! He went over quite a lot of stuff with G'raha (those boys were yappin'!) and spoke with Cid about the basics of Earth technology. And then went a little mad trying to figure out how Allagan Tomestones work haha! He's... reticent to bring anything up right now given the circumstances, but he'll have more opportunities later. :> In fact, at one point in the future Alphinaud will make a very nice gift for him. But at the moment the HW main story's being a big downer. :< Sorry Joker!

Imagining Joker, in some scenario where he has the tote the Scions around Japan: ...Okay, I think we're going to need a second camper...

Someday I will sit down and write up a bunch of scenarios for the Scions individually reacting to Earth stuff... Estinien would be in hell in Shibuya lol

(Joker missing multiple years of memes on Earth?! How awful!! Say it isn't so!)

[babyseraphim]

20 questions for fic writers

tagged by @emryses, thank you for always tagging me in such fun things!!

1. How many works do you have an AO3? 11

2. What's your total AO3 word count? 122,112

3. What fandoms do you write for?

I write pretty much exclusively for Dead Boy Detectives, but I have a oneshot for Marvel from 2017, and an unfinished AU for Critical Role that I'll probably never go back to

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

By Lantern's Light

my healing needed more than time

foolish flame

The Case of the Selkie's Skin

Overloaded

5. Do you respond to comments?

I do when I have the time and energy. All my free time is kind of eaten up by writing the fics themselves, so unless the comment is really long or really funny, I usually don't respond. But I appreciate every comment just the same, they are what keep me motivated to write

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I honestly don't really do fics with angsty endings? Because all of my fics are super angsty in general, so I like to end things on a positive note. I guess the closest would be The Case of the Selkie's Skin because there's not really any closure there, they just move onto the next case. But even that one still has a cathartic ending.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

foolish flame for sure. A lot of my fic endings tend to be bittersweet in some way, but this one was a pure fluffy ending

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Nah. I don't think I've been regularly posting fics long enough for that.

9. Do you write smut?

I have written smut exactly once, and while it was a really cathartic/rewarding experience, I don't know if I'll ever do it again. It's a little too far out of my comfort zone.

10. Do you write crossovers?

No, crossovers aren't really my thing, though I have toyed with the idea of writing a dead boy detectives/pushing daises crossover just for the hell of it. But it probably won't ever make it onto paper.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know of

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Nope

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No, and the idea of it kinda scares me lol

14. What's your all time favorite ship?

Literally changes day to day. I think kirk/spock is the one that will truly own my heart forever, but payneland really is the perfect ship for me (hence all the fanfiction)

15. What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

The Case of Eros's Arrow, which is sitting with 4 chapters on AO3. I still like the concept of it, and my OCs in it, but my writing has changed so much since I started it and I just don't really feel connected to the work itself anymore. Which is a shame, because I left my readers on a total cliffhanger. Whoops.

16. What are your writing strengths?

I think I do alright with descriptive prose (or I enjoy writing it, at the very least). I'm also good at worldbuilding and coming up with fun/creative plots.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Transitions between scenes, and general construction of dialogue (though I've gotten better at dialogue over recent months). I can also get a little ramble-y when it comes to introspection, though I'm usually pretty good about cutting it all down by the time the final draft is done.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

I don't have many thoughts on it. I only speak english, and the only language I've ever used in my fics besides english is Latin (for magic purposes).

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Supernatural, I think? It was OC fanfiction, I still have it floating around this blog somewhere

20. Favorite fics you've written?

dye it all, rosary I think is my favorite right now. I don't know what the fuck I was on when I wrote that fic, but I wrote chapter 1 in one sitting, and then chapter 2 over the course of a few months. It turned out so much better than I ever could have hoped, and I just truly love it so much.

I also love my healing needed more than time because it has all the stuff that I love in it (magic, lesbians, dogs, kids, and other fun stuff to come). I'm also just really proud that I've managed to stick with it as long as I have; it's the first piece of writing over 14k that I've ever written in my life.

I tag: @many-gay-magpies, @deadtwinksdetectiveagency, @williamvapespeare, and @the-ipre!

[deryuj]

Follow the curves

You wish you could focus on your case but truth be told, Connor is far too distracting.

(Or Connor is helping you with your case while you sketch him in your notebook instead)

Rating: General audience

Ship: Connor x gn!reader

I started my summer job and realized I have a lot of free time so I actually wrote a fanfic because I was bored. Enjoy!

p.s. Last time i wrote a fanfic was in 2017 and english isn't my first language, lol.

It's been three hours since you stepped your foot into the squeaky clean department. Also, it's been two hours and fifty-five minutes (minus ten minutes you spent making yourself a coffee and five minutes you took for a bathroom break, which was an excuse to just get up from your workspace and do something different) since you made yourself comfortable by your desk and started working again with the weird writings and drawings you found last night at the apartment, left by what you suspected was a deviant. Looking at the same set of lines for hours turned them into uncomprehensive scribbles and doodles at this point so you couldn't make anything out of them anyway. You needed to do something else rather than stare absent-mindedly at the same page for the next five hours until your shift is done.

You wish you could say you were going in circles with this investigation but honestly, there was no circle you could even walk in in the first place.

How frustrating.

With a soft sigh, you turned your gaze to your right where Connor sat way before you even arrived, his blue LED shining and flickering as his brown eyes stayed glued to the screen. It was funny that for an android he insisted to use computers to scroll through information like the rest of the DPD did. He didn't have to, it was probably more time-consuming and less efficient to do so, but somehow it was so endearing that he makes sure to act as human as possible and blend with the rest of his coworkers.

You haven't really spoken to him today though, he was assigned to you strictly because of the notes you discovered, it was the longest you have been in his presence, which is a bummer. Usually, you would see him casually follow Hank like a puppy, hand folded behind him, long legs easily matching his anger, quick steps, and a soft smile that was always plastered on his face. You weren't sure if he was designed to always smile or chose to do so, but you decided to believe that he wants it that way. Now though you could see that soft smile and adorable chocolate cowlick up close with him working mere centimeters away from you and you couldn't help but smile yourself.

Cyberlife sure did a great job designing him.

Connor was the newest addition to the team, assigned to help the lieutenant in his cases, which definitely did not make him happy since he oh so loved his broody and lone wolf reputation. You were pleased though, you never had a chance to work with an android (and you kinda never exactly did until now). You liked Connor, maybe more than you'd like to admit, and you found yourself doubting the whole 'friendship' if you could even call it that. Yes, he was an android and he definitely wasn't programmed to like everyone (based on his previous interactions with Gavin) but somehow you found yourself hoping that after all the small conversations you shared he, at least, considered you a friend because he liked you, not because his program told him so. Were you even making sense at this point?

You let out a soft sigh, reaching out to grab a half-empty cup of stale coffee before your eyes glided back to working Connor. He hasn't moved from his stiff position since morning, his warm eyes fixated on the computer screen, subtle nose twitches, jaw tightened, smooth hand gripping the notes you wrote down yesterday as he silently analyzed the same set of information written in your handwriting over and over again before looking up at the computer screen, trying to find some kind of clue on what exactly the deviant was trying to write down or show.

As if it was that easy to understand the maniacal scribbles they left behind before running away.

He looked so focused, so eager to prove himself and his skills to everyone that he completely shut himself off from the whole department and new information from his surroundings for now so nothing will take him out of the process of decoding the messages. You were almost curious if by any chance he knows you're watching him so shamelessly or if he even realized that you joined him by your desk to help almost three hours ago.

He was cute, really cute, and in some way you felt a little weird with choosing this word to describe a grown man, or more specifically someone designed to hunt down deviants and do it without any hesitation.

You'd rather keep your observations to yourself rather than get embarrassed though that's what you told yourself with your inner voice.

You comfortably leaned against your palm, letting your gaze dance across all the soft and sharp edges of his profile. His small, pretty nose, freckled artificial skin, pursed, plush lips, and extremely long lashes. Someone put all these details down into this single design just to make fun of you and your silly little crush on an android, that you were almost sure has no algorithm that could by any chance make him like you back. It was stupid, really, but God was he too pretty to not like.

Never mind your earlier praises, you hated Cyberlife for this design.

You felt your cheeks heat up just from thinking about this, definitely not your smartest thought of the day.

You tilted your head to the side, your hair moving with your move as you glanced at him from a slightly different angle. Still pretty. Dang.

One line, second line, join these two with another line.

Without thinking much your hand danced across your handy notebook, your pen leaving gentle lines and curves as you tried to memorize his pretty features. You weren't an amazing artist but you could at least make it resemble him. That's all you needed to do. You needed to convey his pretty profile somewhere where it won't disappear, somewhere you'll be able to look at whenever you'd feel like it, and not when Hank would get up from his desk to go to your communal kitchen with his partner in hand.

You poked the thin paper with the tip of your pen, spreading small, inked dots across his sketched cheek, dragged curled lines from his eye down to his cheek to mimic his long curtain of eyelashes, and made sure that the curve of his lips was the curviest, kissable line you ever drew on paper.

Your silly attempts caused you to let out a quiet snort. I mean the sketch wasn't bad… it's just that you finally caught up with what you were doing that caused you to realize that you were acting like a lovestruck teen if not worse than that.

Stupid- said your more sober side.

You still proudly looked down at the small sketch of Connor that popped up in the corner of your notebook, it was no longer accurate though since the model decided to finally rise his honey-filled eyes away from the screen and face you instead, clearly curious about what made you laugh during a long, boring investigation.

"What's wrong detective?" Your eyes snapped back up at his seeking expression, right in the middle of him tilting his head to the side as he would usually do whenever asking a question and being actually curious about it.

Now what?

"Ah" passed your lips before you could catch yourself. What exactly are you going to tell him and make it sound not weird?

"You draw a lot?" He took your silence as an answer and leaned in to trail his eyes along all the sketched lines, his lips curling into a soft smile to your dismay, a soft whir erupting from his chest.

You silently flipped your notebook to the next page, lips pursed as you turned your face away from him to hopefully regain your ability to say something smart rather than babble while looking at his handsome face. And yet he still watched you, or more like observed you, analyzing your mouth twitch, gaze shift, and muscle tense. Clearly, he was getting what we would call 'nervous' at his seemingly failed attempt at making a small talk and you couldn't help but feel a little guilty.

"Sometimes, helps me think or get myself to reboot" He could somehow understand the concept, maybe because you used a techy word he had some experience with.

He hummed in response, shifting comfortably in his seat, almost like he could feel his muscles sore from staying in one position, and looked down at the blank page, as if the drawing was still there and he was still taking in every single stroke of your pen.

"You are quite talented" He seemed honest, maybe there was a hint of something else, and you couldn't help but chuckle. There was something so innocent behind his words, he almost sounded excited to face a new quirk humans had.

He always liked those. The quirks. Things that made people unique and so interesting.

"I guess once I retire I'll move out somewhere quiet and spend the rest of my life painting landscapes" You mumbled sarcastically, your eyes rolling as you tried to get Connor off his path to compliment you more. He would always be painfully nice to get people to like him and accept him in the department. It worked, sure but you don't need him to get you flustered at work where people can see. Especially where that asshole Gavin can see and use it to make you annoyed.

He let out another soft, vibrating hum at your small joke, leaning down to comfortably lean against his smooth hand. He was thinking, processing and rinsing your words to find a suitable answer to your lighthearted response and hopefully match your tone.

"That sounds nice, I'm glad that for now, I can enjoy your work here at the department." He replied and you let your lips form a smile at his response. I mean you could interpret it as if he wanted to work with you more. You wouldn't complain, your work quality would suffer though. Or maybe you're looking too hard into it.

"Have you tried drawing Hank before?" You let out a sharp exhale from your mouth, your laugh stuck somewhere in your throat, safe from being let out to the world. You weren't sure if it was a joke or not, if it was it was funny, if it wasn't then it was cute but still, you don't want him to feel bad for laughing at him.

Connor didn't mind, in return, his plushy lips quirked up into a bigger smile, doe eyes narrowing as the smile finally reached them while he happily watched you light up after working with papers.

"Don't know, I guess I'll ask him if he wants to model, sounds like a cute date" You wanted to continue the banter, it was somehow of an anomaly to see Connor try to joke like this, hopefully, you weren't expecting too much of him. On the other hand, hopefully, Hank didn't hear that because even though you two are friends he'll scold you for joking around at his expense and giving 'the android weird ideas'.

In return he let out a quick, soft chuckle before clearing his throat to get back to his professional self, his pale cheeks dusted with a soft, blueish color. Seems like he doesn't want to make you feel bad for laughing at you as well.

"Sounds like a lovely evening" He admitted before falling silent once again, his brown, gooey eyes now staring deep into yours, analyzing you. In moments like this, you were always envious of how he can pretty much see through you and see what you think while you're left with his pretty face and zero ideas on what might be going on through his head.

"Let's… check the notes again and work through it together" You finally suggested, trying to put the awkward conversation (on your part) behind the door and focus back again on your actual job. You let Connor shift closer to you, his shoulder bumping against yours as you flipped pages back onto the one with your infamous little drawing.

Seeing the real deal up this close made you realize how much longer his lashes actually are, how his lips are far more softer than what you left on the paper and how many freckles you haven't even put down on your drawing.

You should probably try again, maybe at home.

Maybe with him in your apartment.

[alfhildr-the-word-weaver]

I must say, it's pretty poetic that I've gotten to season 6 of Vampire Diaries right before another solar eclipse happens in America. I certainly didn't plan it, but it does feel like my timing is very appropriate with this one. I do have questions about the accuracy of the eclipse portrayal in the show, though. I mean, a solar eclipse did in fact happen on May 10, 1994, and it was visible across much of the country, so that much is accurate. But I don't think Mystic Falls would've had quite as good of a view as they show it having. For reference, here's a map of the May 1994 eclipse path (credit: timeanddate.com):

And, if you'll remember, Mystic Falls is like two hours from my old hometown just a stone's throw north of Lynchburg, Virginia, as seen on the locator spell map (this one's all over tumblr, forgive me for not remembering what blog I grabbed it from):

So if you zoom in on the timeanddate map and pick somewhere closeish to there:

It looks like Mystic Falls would be getting a little over 77% coverage or so. It's also worth noting that the '94 eclipse was an annular eclipse, not a total eclipse like tomorrow's eclipse. That still means that the moon went directly in front of the sun, but it does mean that it was small enough/far enough from earth that you didn't quite get full coverage of the sun (thanks to weather.gov for the nifty graphic):

So, I'm not positive whether it would've looked quite as dark as was shown in the show:

Although, I must admit, in this video I found on youtube of the '94 eclipse, (part of me is shocked to find footage from then but I know I shouldn't be like yes they had cameras in the 90s) it actually looks more similar than I expected it to look, but I imagine it was most likely filmed within the path of totality:

But also, when Kai takes Bonnie to Portland, don't they see the eclipse again there? I couldn't find that clip on youtube just now, but Portland barely had any eclipse--only 42-43% coverage, so it would've been way milder of a visual effect, barely any dimming in the sky noticeable without eclipse glasses.

The funny thing is, the area where I live is going to be sitting right around 80% coverage tomorrow. I was lucky enough to get to travel to Missouri for the 2017 eclipse to get into the path of totality, but I'm afraid that it hasn't worked out for me to do so this year, which is immensely disappointing to me as an astronomy enjoyer, but I do still plan to go to an eclipse party and I'm going to start saving to try and get to Spain for the next total eclipse in 2026, which is going to be right around my 30th birthday (screaming). Anyways, it isn't great, but here's my best picture from the '17 eclipse:

I didn't even have a smartphone yet then, because despite it being 2017, I was somewhat of a luddite, so I had the purple flip phone I so stubbornly clung to and a point-and-click Nikon, but I still think this picture is pretty cool for what it is. Here's the zoom in so you can really see that ring of fire (and my shaking hands doubling the image):

Obviously you can find thousands of better eclipse pictures online, but that one's still special to me because it's mine. Anyways, I'll report back with smart phone pictures from whatever I see of the 80% total eclipse tomorrow to compare and contrast with Mystic Falls's 70% annular eclipse of the 90s, because from what I've heard it's going to be much less impressive than full totality was, but I've yet to watch a partial solar eclipse, so I'll just have to find out. Also, if you happen to have any vampiric loved ones trapped in a magical prison dimension who you need help freeing during the eclipse tomorrow, let me know and I'll see what I can do! ;) Hahaha. Anyways, happy eclipse everyone, and may we all possess sufficient self restraint to avoid eye damage (says the woman who has looked at the sun unprotected so many times and is probably going to go blind because of it some day. I know what I've done lol. Don't be me.)

[ashtraythief]

Hey! So ive been a long time reader of ur underneath verse (since like.. 2018? Maybe even 2017?) and i just wanted to drop by and tell u how much im enjoying rereading ur writing! Like in general i think this is one of my fav fics series just bc its so extensive and well done and thought out and fleshed out so well it works so well? Like seeing all the different angles and the way u choose to frame things is really fun for me and kinda inspires my own writing in some aspects.

Ive never read the whole thing all in one go before so ive decided to do that right now and im just about done with the pied pipers song - more specifically willys chapter. And i kinda needed to let u know that ur series really stands out to me just bc of how many glimpses into other characters and all these different povs of the same thing like on it stands out on a technical level but then ur actual writing of these things is so good and compelling and like as an outsider pov bitch it hits the spot for me so well? Like ur writing is never stale and its always interesting.

I specifically wanted to take this time to mention that i really love willy and winstons characters and how u went about it. Like im ngl the way u wrote them kinda makes me want to cry tears of happiness for them bc they have found ppl who appreciate them and they have connections with other ppl but then the bittersweet tang of jensen and willy is kinda fucking me up rn /pos djjdjdjd like in general u really do the bittersweet jensen is stuck undercover angle really well and it HURTS so good

But yes i dont really have a good concise message or comment to leave beyond the fact that i keep stopping every few sentences to get up and jump bc im so excited about what im reading i need to get rid of that excess energy lol so sorry if this is all over the place and a really messy message! I just really wanted to let u know how much im enjoying reading it all rn. Thank you so much for sharing ur writing with us and for continuing to write for this series its so fun!

omg nonnie, I'm kinda speechless here (this is the second wonderful message in two days so I'm kinda overwhelmed. is it send wonderful messages week somewhere??)

I just am so grateful and this message made me so happy. never apologize for maybe not having a five point outline lol, this is amazing.

The underneath verse has always been my fandom baby, so praise for it is already amazing, but the pied piper fic and Winston and Willy epsecially, it just makes my heart so full. Ten years ago, they definitely started out as stock characters of mob drivers, because I didn't think this fic would get so big, but then it did, and Willy especially became a real character. a) because I knew he'd fall in love with Jensen too, as anyone does really and b) because I looooove the bittersweet undercover Jensen shtick where I write from other character's POV and the reader knows how wrong they're getting it but they don't *mu har har* (yeah I'm a little mean sometime. sorry?)

but in all seriousness, the Willy chapter, I'ev been working on that for months. And I kept adding things and rewriting things and trying to get it perfect even though I know that most people who read the story mostly care about Jared and Jensen (which is totally fair and understandable), but I care about him and there are a few people out there who do too (and I love you for it, so much), but with Willy, I just wante to do this /right/. I've come to love him so much, and he's come to be so important to Jensen, it felt like he and Winston really deserve their own story told even though that's kind of ridiculous because they're not real, but they're a little real to me now. All this to say, nonnie, this comment and your appreciation of Willy means so fucking much to me. And my poor alpha reader who read like four drafts of this (seriously, M. is a saint) and my beta readers who then had to beta four iterations of this. To know that this effort is appreciated this much honestly make me cry a little (I am not having the greatest time right now, so I cry easily but the point still stands. Thank you.)

This message was actually such an energy boost I'm currently trying to fix the next timestamp, lol so I'll have something to post next month. You're a true treasure, nonnie <3

[minnesotadruids]

The Order of Bradán Feasa (OBF)

Unit One of an RDNA Druid training program is finally in its first draft! I started writing this in 2020, and wrote a majority of it (114 pages) that year because I wanted to have created something before the feared perception of probably contracting Covid and dying therefrom. Then once I was vaccinated, I got complacent and set the draft aside, coming back to it perhaps once a month, re-reading and revising, not really adding any new content.

In an attempt to push forward with my list of proposed topics, I started to realize I was not qualified to create content for many of them, and that I needed to do a lot more reading and learning for my own sake before continuing. Thus 2021, 2022, and much of 2023 were dedicated to reading my stack of purchased but unread books, annotating, highlighting, and cross-referencing for veracity.

I still have a lot of reading and learning ahead of me, but much of that will align with Unit Three, which hasn't been started yet. Unit Two has actually been in a draft form since 2017, and there will be an exam to go with it. This will probably be the first modern Druid training program with an exam, and it will require a 90% score or higher to pass.

What is the OBF?

The Order of Bradán Feasa is a non-clerical side order made for the Reformed Druids of North America. The name means the "Salmon of Knowledge" in Irish Gaelic, and is a reference to the myth of Finn McCool gaining all the world's knowledge when he burns himself while cooking the salmon. Any person who completes Units One and Two will be inducted to OBF and given a digital certificate indicating completion of said training program. Units One and Two would be considered sufficient training for in-person candidates to be invited to Second Order initiation in the RDNA. The optional Unit Three is the RDNA Clergy Prep Course and Grove Governance Guide (GGG), and would be considered prerequisite to ordination to the Third Order: the RDNA priesthood, in addition to existing customary requirements such as the supervised All-Night Vigil.

Completing the First Draft

While some people write novels during November for N.A.N.O.M.I.R.O. or whatever, I was suddenly inspired to get Unit One done. Over the month of November I wrote 55 new pages and revised existing content again. No, that's no novel, but writing something of (hopefully) academic quality with APA citations is a bit more meticulous, especially with this being my first "college level" type of project in about 16 years.

Members of Oakdale Grove are in the process of reviewing and annotating the first draft already. I find it easier to spot needed revisions or typos when something is in print, plus I love writing directly on drafts with an ink pen because I'm an older millennial (roars in dinosaur, lol). And I get to review and mark it up for editing with a bit of a Dark Academia aesthetic. I'm a bit shocked that Unit 1 is 169 pages, and likely to grow. We've already identified some sections that don't exist yet that need to be here. Unit 2 is much smaller. I expect Unit 3 to be smaller, as well.

The goal is for Unit 1 to go live before Beltane 2024, for Unit 2 to go live by the Autumnal Equinox of 2024, and for Unit 3 to go live by the end of 2024. That last one has the greatest uncertainty though, because I still have two important books to read, and possibly more that I haven't found yet.

See also: OBF Program Syllabus

[monstersinthecosmos]

KACY

I know we've talked about it before but never in depth really so I wanna know -- I think at least for me there's THOSE TWO BIG MOMENTS right:

the one where we instantly and impossibly imprinted on our VC faves like lost little ducklings

and then whatever followed that cemented that love for all eternity like- "oh yeah this is it, I don't even need to see or talk to anyone else, we're good"

so what were your Marius Moments? 🥹

!!!!! oh wow what a question!

I know for sure without a doubt that when Marius DEBUTS in TVL is when I was DONE FOR. Like the slow burn leading up to it with Lestat trying to find him and then when he finally shows up he's this like nurturing, comforting force that is so gentle with him!!!!!!!!

Like idk how everyone else feels but my first time reading VC I was just going in cold, like there was fandom on LJ and stuff but I wasn't really lurking (bc spoilers lol) so I was just going into each book completely fresh and ready for an adventure, so I remember feeling like TVL was this MYSTERY to me the first time and I was just so excited to even see what it was about. But TVL (even to this day) really takes off for me when Armand shows up and then like, Armand already intrigued me so much and I was like WHAT WHO * MADE * THIS GUY OH MY GOD and I was just mega excited to meet him.

And as for the second question, I'm not sure I really have an answer! Coming out of TVL he was my favorite character so any time he showed up I was so excited to see him. Again, to this day I think I kinda rank my enjoyment of the VCs depending how much Marius is in them. 😂 But when I first read VC, Merrick was the most current book and it took me a couple years to read and catch up (with the Mayfair detour bc Merrick was supposed to be a crossover lol) so B&G was my first VC that I got to like go out and buy when it came out and it was like THE NEW BOOK MORE VAMPIRES! And just wow like how exciting that I caught up in time for a WHOLE BOOK about my fav. 🥹🥹🥹

But reading B&G maybe cemented it? tbh it was such a long time ago it's hard to say. It's just kinda always been there. Like this all happened when I was 12-13 and it was my first like deep dive into adult books and like coming from reading kids's series and YA it was so weighty to me and gave me so much to think about. But like I vivdly remember the first time I read B&G I was in my room and I kept putting it down to cry because it made me so emotional. Like getting to really get that deep dive into his POV and understand how lonely he was and how conflicted he was about his beliefs.

As a 13 year old I think I connected to it with my own point of reference that's evolved over the years; I revisit the entire series every few years and get different things out of it each time, not just from getting older but also just being more educated as time goes on. And sometimes I wonder if he'd be my fav if I read it for the first time at 25, or even if I'd been born at a different time; like would I have felt the same way if I was 13 but it was 2017 and Tumblr was in full swing with radfem rheotric poisoning the well? idk. But I do know that every time I feel the same way, I still love him just as much, even when I pick apart more flaws I just appreciate this character so deeply.

Like yknow to read VC as a 13 year old who is severely bullied you connect with it as being about "outsiders". The year B&G came out a bully put me in the hospital by bashing my head open on a locker. Teachers at my school thought I was going to be a school shooter because I was goth and I liked horror films. So it's comforting to see someone who is an outsider and struggles with Christofascism but who is surviving. And reading B&G and hearing how much he struggled was so like grounding for me. I'm not sure I can explain it now without it sounding trite (and maybe it was trite bc I was 13). And like him being a savior & mentor to Lestat was so comforting to me like I think at that age my biggest fantasy was that a vampire could come steal me away from my difficult life LOL. I wanted someone to come save me!!!!!!!!!

And then you know, growing up, being in an abusive relationship, having people around me die, trying to understand how I identify as queer, how I navigate my relationship to my own creativity and what it means to me, growing as a person and trying to be the most mindful and empathetic version of myself that I can be; all of this stuff is all over VC and in that book in particular.

It just means a lot to me man!

And I love that VC asks us to empathize with bad people, it asks us to forgive people, it asks us if we're are only our worst deed and if we deserve love even when we've fucked up. Lestat and Marius have so much in common so I think these themes just permeate both of their stories so much in every book, but. Idk for whatever reason Marius is the one that stuck out to me and I've never been able to shake it!!!!!

[kanonavi]

I was tagged by @radellama like a month ago! Even if I don't always keep up with these I still appreciate it <3

~

Why did you choose your URL?

It's a combination of a couple of old jokes I had from middle school, the older of which was actually kind of a mean thing that I won't get into. However, KanoNavi was the second iteration of my old url FritoNavi, and because it rolled off the tongue better I decided to just switch to that full time.

2. Any sideblogs? If so, name them and why you have them.

I've tried sideblogs a couple times in the past, but they never stuck. I prefer to keep everything in one place, even if it means bombarding my non-Genshin mutuals with Genshin all the time (Sorry guys, thanks for sticking with me lol <3)

3. How long have you been on tumblr?

My archive goes back to 2017, but I did change URLs once so I think I might have started in 2016? Sometime around there.

4. Do you have a queue tag?

Nope, I've only used the queue once or twice for particular timed posts.

5. Why did you start your blog in the first place?

Before tumblr, I was on DeviantArt to follow Splatoon fanartists, and some of them mentioned having Tumblr so I decided to join that too!

6. Why did you choose your icon/pfp?

Venti's been my personality for like 3 years now, and this is one of my favorite fanarts of him (I love his smile, he's so delightful <3)

7. Why did you choose your header?

It was a piece done by my good friend and roommate Ham! Their artstyle is like candy for the eyes, I just want to eat it I love it so much ehe (Please go check them out along with the artist who drew my pfp, both of them are linked in my bio!)

8. What's your post with the most notes?

My meta on Simulanka Day 3 actually passed 100 notes (it has 124 as of this posting), which is absolutely crazy. I'm planning to do kind of a follow-up to that once I work up the spoons because there was some contention in my replies and also Natlan acts 1 and 2 have given me some ideas, so look forward to that I guess lol

9. How many mutuals do you have?

I don't really keep track, but I think that not counting irls I have at least 10? (love you guys mwah mwah <3)

10. How many followers do you have!

105 (i love you guys too mwah)

11. How many people do you follow?

129

12. Have you ever made a shitpost?

Sometimes I've commented about life in a jokey manner, but nothing I would consider a serious shitposting attempt

13. How often do you use tumblr each day?

This thang is like the refrigerator to me (derogatory). Cumulatively tho it's probably only a little over an hour per day because my dash isn't the most active.

14. Did you have a fight/argument with another blog once?

Not that I can recall?? Maybe early on, but it's been too long for me to say.

15. How do you feel about "you need to reblog this" posts?

No.

16. Do you like tag games!

Yeah!

17. Do you like ask games!

Yeah, even though I always feel like I'm being attention-seeking when I reblog them :pensive emoji:

18. Which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous?

None of them, sorry guys. I know Rads probably has clout in the Chrono Trigger fandom though, so that has to count for something?? lmao

19. Do you have a crush on a mutual?

Nah, but I have platonic crushes on y'all for being so damn cool <3

20. Tags:

@rubberbandballqueen, @stardustdiiving, @tempests-bards-and-birds

[bots-and-cons]

Another update and kinda venting lol

As usual, I'm gonna put the update thing here, so you don't have to look for it. So, it's probably been over a week since I last posted at this point, but I'm trying to work on a new post. I have like three WIPs for this blog and two for the other one, so it's not that I haven't been writing, it's just that I can't finish anything, which is annoying. I'm gonna try to post tomorrow though, because I hate when I go over a week without posting. It still happens a lot though...

Venting starts here, just me yelling into the internet void...

When I started my first writing blog (@herofics) back in June of 2017, I used to post twice a day. TWICE A DAY, for months probably closer to a year, I'm not really sure. I've just been thinking that it was an absolutely insane thing to do, and I have no idea how I managed it while I was so badly depressed. Nowadays, I post maybe once or twice a week, three times if I'm really motivated and have a lot of time and inspiration. I can't even imagine how crappy those posts were tbh, I didn't put much time into them and I just wasn't as good at writing as I am now. I've improved so much and I'm so happy about that.

I was supposed to get myself another practical training position for the fall, but I haven't gotten around to it. I was actually supposed to do it in May and let my class's tutor teacher know before she started her vacation at the beginning of June, but guess who has still not done that... I honestly fucking hate that I procrastinate so much, like why can't I just do stuff immediately or at least in a timely manner. Nope, I'm here two months later, complaining on the internet and still not just doing it. I honestly just feel so overwhelmed by the whole thing. I got so exhausted during my first practical training in the spring, and those were like five-hour days. I have no idea how I'm supposed to survive eight weeks with five eight-hour days each, and manage school on top of that, like just fuck me, I'm not built for that. I've honestly been thinking that I probably can't manage full-time work once I graduate, if I graduate...

I'm 24 and I can't drive either. It gives me such horrific anxiety and pretty much an instant panic attack if I even try. On top of that, I honestly don't want to drive, because I'm terrified I might act on my intrusive thoughts. I just simply don't want to drive because of the reasons mentioned above. Since I don't have an official autism diagnosis, I can't access any of the ride services that would provide. At least I'm pretty sure Kela has a service like that here in Finland.

I know I say this pretty much every time I make one of these posts, but I'm doing okay. I'm just kinda scared for the fall when school starts again, because I don't know if I have the energy to do both the practical training and school. I need to finish my summer courses too, and I'm dreading the swedish since I haven't even started it yet. Though one of my classmates did the whole thing in about an hour, so apparently it's not very hard. I just really need to get it started...

Anyway, thanks if you read this and remember to stay hydrated :D

[simbic]

Astarion, hmm

I've grown so very attached to Astarion because his story resonates with me. I won't go into detail, but from 2015-2017 I was in an abusive relationship with someone who took..."liberties" (to put it lightly) with my body. Two years later, I followed up with a physically/psychologically/verbally abusive relationship that I just got away from in February of this year. I'm off relationships for a while for obvious reasons, and am concerned about my ability to recognize red flags. I'm a very traumatized bitch, so...this kind of hit home lol

Astarion's arc is about learning to utilize his power to consent (or not consent) to things being done to his body or using it to do things to others, and this got under my skin. So now it's all like, hey, I wonder what it's like to help heal someone from this kind of trauma.

You see examples all throughout of him consenting and not consenting. He refuses the drow in moonrise. Refuses the twins in Sharess's Caress. But he DOES consent to sharing Tav with Halsin while asking for reassurance (Which surprised me. I don't think he'd have had the courage to ask for reassurance before, as it is a sign of vulnerability, and I don't think I'd have had Tav go through with it if he hadn't done that), because he doesn't have to be involved himself.

I took him at face value every time he did or didn't consent, which also got under my skin; I appreciated this. People tend to think you're incapable of saying yes or no if you're dealing with heavy trauma, that if you say "yes" you REALLY mean "no", but if you say no, somehow that's not open to interpretation? Telling people what they really mean is taking their agency from them. I don't appreciate the inconsistency. The infantilization of victims can be maddening and mortifying. We can, in fact, say yes to things. Astarion, over time, is able to make those choices. Healing is nuanced, very much non-linear, you learn what you can and can't accept. Astarion's trauma is centered around sex and being forced to do it, not what Tav does separately from him.

Anyway, like Astarion, I had to learn that I'm allowed to say no to things I don't want to do. And that I am able to speak up when something makes me uncomfortable. I also learned I don't mind "sharing", so to speak, as long as I don't have to be involved. Wild!!

I do wish you could have a more in depth conversation with him about Halsin and why he is saying yes, but there is none, and it doesn't look like it affects the outcome of Tav's relationship with him either way, which says plenty. It's up for interpretation I guess. As much as I appreciate this, I do prefer monogamous Astarion and Tav, soooo.

A lot of people are suggesting their interpretation of why Astarion said yes to sharing (that he can't consent to that (infantilization at its finest), that he's doing it to keep Tav in spite of him openly saying no in much heavier, much more violating/dangerous situations) is the ONLY one that is right when the devs gave no indication one way or another, and frankly its maddening and reminding me why I stay away from fandoms.

(Y'all are rabid and do, in fact, need to chill.)

There are two very pivotal scenes where he says no to doing a specific thing. If you force him, the relationship is probably ruined, unless you choose specific dialogue to keep it going. If you don't force him, you get a scene after. If you're not romancing him, he'll be like, "Why am I being such a little bitch", but then you can tell him he doesn't have to do things he doesn't want to. If you're romancing him, you can either try to push him to have sex with Tav, or accept his confession and just...not push him.

Pushing for physical intimacy is coercion. It tracks that this will also ruin his relationship with Tav. Having to choose specific options to save it icks me out, because if someone wants to leave on the basis of lack of consent, then you should not be trying to save it. It's over.

I get a lot of satisfaction from his story, because you're watching him be a snide, mean bitch (which I find extremely funny), but also you watch him fall for your Tav and find that the world is not always terrible, and kindness isn't something that has to be withheld from him. And that he does, in fact, have CHOICES and is allowed to make them. The fact that forcing him into things will ruin your relationship with him says so much about how important consent and trust is in romantic and platonic relationships.

Anyway, I am sad because he will inevitably live to see Tav die. She's a tiefling druid tho, and druids live for hundreds of years. I need people in love to be together FOREVER.

[genesisgijinka]

hello! i've been reading genesis for...oh god, since 2017-2018, i think. and it's been a blast, i love the series a lot! it's a really unique storyline with one of my favorite characters (mewtwo, beloved) and your art is fantastic! i was wondering how much of the storyline you have planned out/had planned out, and how much of it has changed over time? and how far along we are in the storyline/how much is left before the end. i hope you have a good day!

Oh wow, you've been around for a while lol Hi friend!

I'll be honest, Genesis had the most bare bones of starts. I created the characters for what I thought was going to be a one-off costume month long challenge, with some other old ocs to fill out the roster. I had zero plan to create a story with these new characters, since I was brand new to the idea of having a story based off of pokemon game play. I've always been a first and foremost Zelda fan and was actually slowly picking at my own Zelda story at the time but I couldn't quite get the story to go the way I wanted and I was determined to draw that comic first.

And then I drew this:

This is the first time I drew Prime, and a younger M2-K, I think. One of the very few things I drew before I launched into starting Genesis. Y'all might recognize this scene from the first few pages of chapter 2 lol. I was riding off of that high of finishing my first long-term project and now I had somewhere where I could start. So three months after that October challenge, I decided screw it, I'll just draw this pokemon comic as a practice, be done in like 2-3 years, then work on Zelda again. And then lol here we are almost 7 years later.

Read more bc it accidentally kinda got long :'D

A lot of my planning has gone like this; I draw a thing, and then work it into the story somewhere like threading pearls on a string, then I add more beads in between the pearls as I go.

So Genesis has points that I know I'm going to hit (the ending has probably the thoroughly written script of all of Genesis and I'm quite happy with it) but a lot of it is in a fuzzy grey area of I only kinda know what's going to happen next, I just need to write how to get there. It keeps me engaged with the story and the few drawings I have as story concepts are the juicy carrots I dangle in front of myself to keep the motivation going even if I'm going through an art rut or if work has been particularly draining.

As for things that have changed? Alcina didn't exist in the beginning. I sketched up a gardevoir gijinka in my sketchbook bc I needed K to talk to someone. And then she stuck around. Heph wasn't originally planned either, and he actually replaced this guy:

left to right: M2-K, Talil the heliolisk, and Jean-Luc (mega'd)

Talil was originally going to be the one to fix K's prosthetics, but that's all I really had him around for, and he eventually got scrapped. Which is a real shame, because heliolisk is one of my favorite Kalos mons. I did later use the concept of shorting out K's prosthetics when he fought a luxray in chapter 1.

I can't remember when V came into being, but I think it was sometime after Genesis had started, but well before she was introduced. She was originally supposed to be that one mewtwo from the Genesect movie (and that's where the V in M2-V originated from, M2-K was originally short for Mewtwo-Kalos. And then I made it worse by going alphabetically :) )

As for how much longer are we going to have? We've definitely passed the halfway point. But since I've had a revelation and added [REDACTED] in to the story, chapter 3 got longer unexpectedly and is gonna be split into a surprise fourth chapter. And then an epilogue, but //handwaves that's farther down the line.

[cherry-bloooom]

HI THEREEE this is my first oc story that im gonna post here teehee! originally wrote in a notebook as like a rough draft then perfected it in google docs and it took me like 2 days to do so/ ~4 or 5 hours.. rough draft was written all in one sitting tho LOL took around 2 hours.

this is abt my oc percy being an asshole to his girlfriend at the time, michelle, my other oc, and him being a huge nasty slob. that’s kinda it. takes place around 2016/2017.

CONTENT WARNINGS IF U NEED IT:

alcohol/drinking, drugs, dv, rape/coercion, nsfw, slight mention of homophobia technically?? it’s literally one sentence. fortnite /j

ok hope u like it hehe love u bye click read more now to read…

Percy’s Perspective thing… idk what to call it

word count: 6.1k

I came home from a long morning of running around town taking care of errands. Rubin’s birthday is coming up soon, so my parents made me come over to their place for brunch to help them make plans for him, figure out what to get him. Right after I left, I had to grab something to eat. I was starving even though I’d just gotten done eating with my parents. I stopped at the ghetto McDonald’s me and Michelle go to. Every time we go, she complains about it, but we always end up going anyway. I came home right after that but was so mentally exhausted from being out, I couldn’t help but just lay on the couch.

Michelle was at work, like she always is around this time. I feel she works too much. She comes home stressed out nearly every day, and it never fails to ruin our night in together (never out, because she’s too stressed to even go out of the house). I try to have nice, romantic nights with her, but it seems she wants no part of it when I make an effort. It feels like she’s always resisting, for some reason. Things used to be so different between us. We always had great nights when she got off work, even when she got home late or tired or stressed, and things would be perfectly fine. But lately, she’s just been so distant and moody all the time. We’re always arguing over the little things, like when she accuses me of leaving the apartment a mess, or that I don’t help her out with anything. I feel like those criticisms are a bit undeserved. She has no idea what I do when she’s at work all day, and how stressful it can be sometimes. Like, for example, she knows how much I hate my parents, but it seems like every other day I have to spend money on an Uber to get to their house fifteen minutes away just to discuss a random ass topic they couldn’t stomach doing over the phone or text. God, even an email would be easier than the shit they pull. Or, she knows how much I hate Rubin, but I’m forced to basically babysit him for Mom and Dad while they sit on their asses and do nothing all day at work. They seriously lack the mental capacity to understand how annoying he is, and how annoying it is to hang out with him or bring him over to the apartment. They always say, “But Percy, he’s your baby brother!” But to that I say, “fuck off.” Just because I happened to be born before him doesn’t mean he’s my responsibility now. I don’t even get paid for it. I thought my babysitting days were over once I moved out, but I guess not! Halle-fucking-lujah. And she also knows how worried I am about my Overwatch league, and how often I have to practice for it. I love doing it, don’t get me wrong, it’s fun, but I hate always being glued to the computer like that. I know I gotta make some real money off of this soon, but it just stresses me out so much. Michelle really has no idea what it’s like for me, being home all day, all my duties. I wish she would give me the benefit of the doubt, just once. All she does is accuse and get mad at me for things I didn’t even contribute to.

I just wish things could go back to how they were with Michelle, my Mika, when we first met back in college, and every time we spoke sparks flew instantly. Even a year ago, things were different between us. We used to have romantic nights out, and cuddly movie nights on the couch, but now those have turned into cold, empty looks and heated arguments. That spark I loved so much is fading, and I want it back, so, so bad.

In all my sulking on the couch, I was interrupted by a notification on my phone. I reached for it, and quickly looked at the text– It was from my old college buddy Alex, in the group chat with my whole college friend group.

“Still up for tonight guys?”

Fuuuuuuuck. I had totally forgotten that I had plans with the guys for tonight. It was supposed to be all of us– me, Alex, Josh, and Andrew– going out to some bar downtown. I couldn’t remember the name of the place, let alone what time we were supposed to meet up, and couldn’t bother to check the message history and find out. Soon, the other guys chimed in confirming they were going, first Andrew, then Josh, leaving only me. I quickly thought of an excuse to not go.

“Sorry guys, my girl said I couldn’t tonite. Too dangerous to get home drunk and she has work in the morning, can't pick me up that late. Maybe another time,” is the best I could come up with.

They all typed their cries of disappointment, me remaining silent in the chat. That was until Andrew, the motherfucker, suggested we just come to my place. That way, I wouldn’t need to worry about getting home. Amazing, just what I wanted him to say.

“Yeah, sure. Be here by 4.”

They asked the address, I sent it, then turned my phone off and threw it to the other end of the couch, sighing loudly as I did. Putting my head in my hands, I thought of what to do. God, I hated hanging out with them. They haven’t matured whatsoever from when we were in college, and it’s like having a bunch of little Rubin’s running around whenever I’m with them. Constantly having to remind them to stop being so loud, so rambunctious, so, well, annoying. It reminds me of high school, where I’d be sitting at a table, minding my business, then suddenly people are flinging food at each other and screaming like banshees in heat, and I’m just sitting there, calm, collected, and irritated as fuck. I can’t stand them, I find it hard to relate to them, they’re all so immature for their ages. The only reason I wanted to go out was because we’d be drinking, and it would be fun and more tolerable. I was gonna try to pretend I didn’t know them, and wasn’t with them, and just have an excuse to get out of the house and relax on my own. Now that they’re coming here, and I doubt they’d be bringing anything with them, it’ll just be me and 3 other guys sitting in my living room like we’re boyscouts about to tell a campfire story. Is it really too late to cancel? Maybe something happened to Michelle at work, and they couldn’t come… No, because then, I’d have to keep up the lie. Ugh, god damnit.

I looked around the tiny living room, with our much too big TV and our much too small TV stand, that held my Xbox and my games, and a big bluetooth speaker I ordered for myself off Amazon. I looked at the floor, and at the loveseat where Michelle does all her reading. The house was a bit messy, but I had better things to worry about right now. I needed to start thinking about refreshments. I trudged into the kitchen and investigated our fridge, first. All I saw was a half empty 2 liter of Pepsi, some chinese takeout boxes, some chicken breasts, a barely touched gallon of milk, my case of Redbulls, Michelle’s leftover Starbucks from the other day, some steaks, some lettuce, condiments and dressings, and baby carrots. Nothing good in here, really. Then, I checked the pantry– pasta, crackers, cereal, Michelle’s spices, breadcrumbs, rice, a few picked through bags of chips, bread, 3 packs of ramen, and other random nonperishables. Not much else in here, either, I guess. I rustled around some more until I saw, in the way, way back of the pantry, a bottle of wine me and Michelle were saving for a special occasion, our anniversary, or a date night, or something. The wine itself was nothing special. It was a bottle of Barefoot, I think it was, like, fifteen dollars. Maybe I could bring this out for me and the guys tonight, to make it a little more bearable for myself. I have a feeling me and Michelle won’t be enjoying it any time soon, with how she’s been acting as of late. I know the guys aren’t huge fans of wine, but unless one of them wants to bring a six pack, then it’s just gonna have to do. I grabbed the bottle and set it on the counter, and reached in the cabinet and pulled out four wine glasses for each of us, so I wouldn’t forget to later. It’s only about two o’clock. I have some time to relax before they get here.

I pace around the apartment, completely dreading their arrival. I wish Michelle were here, so I could ask her what to do. I would call, but she never answers the phone at work. She really does work too much. I look back at the wine bottle sat out on the kitchen counter, and daydream about how nice it would be to enjoy that bottle with her. I’ll try to conserve the wine, and I think tonight, after the guys leave, and when she gets home from work, we’re gonna have a nice, relaxing night together, and we’ll talk through all the issues we’ve been having over that wine. I wanna spoil her tonight. I hope she’ll appreciate it.

I continued my pacing, and after checking the clock on the stove, I saw around thirty minutes went by. It’s almost 2:45, meaning I have about an hour to prepare myself. I’ve been eyeing the wine the whole time I paced, it looks really, really good. I pick up the bottle from the counter and start inspecting it. “Red Moscato” was the flavor, it’s deep red color making it look like some kind of fruit punch, or kinda like blood. Under the flavor, the tagline says, “Deliciously Sweet.” I’m not usually a fan of sweet drinks, but hey, it’s alcohol. In my mind, I considered popping it open early and drinking a little before the guys get here, but quickly swept the thought away, remembering how I wanted to save some for me and Michelle. Besides, I’ll have a little when the guys get here too, that’s when I’ll really need it. I continue to pace.

About fifteen minutes go by. It’s exactly 3:02. The bottle keeps enticing me. It really does look like blood, doesn’t it? I start to think about what it’ll be like when they get here. Their grating laughs, their irritating faces. Just the thought makes me wanna scream. I consider drinking it again, this time those images flashing through my head, my mind filled with dread. Maybe it’ll soften the blow when they get here. It’s now a toss up in my mind– but I knew my answer as soon as the question popped into my head again. Before I knew it I was pouring myself a decently sized glass, all for myself. It should be fine, there’s a lot left. With the first sip, my nerves relaxed, the bitterness of the alcohol adjusting them back into place. I almost chugged out of the glass, just standing right there in the kitchen. The glass was nearly empty by the time I was done with that huge first sip, so I refilled it and took my glass and the bottle back to the living room with me. I sat back and kicked my feet up, now properly able to relax.

Around 3:40 or so I heard a knock at the door. They’re here already? I groaned as it took me out of my tipsy buzzy high, and I reluctantly left the couch with a sigh to answer the door. Stumbling on the way there, I opened the door, and saw it was Andrew, the very kind, considerate guy, who kindly and courteously suggested we come to my house, without asking me first, before suggesting it. How lovely. He greets me with a pat on my back, and I notice in his hand he’s holding a six pack of Modelo. Thank fucking god, that wine was too good I almost didn’t wanna share it with these idiots. Being considerate, though, I took his beer and stuck it in the fridge, and led him to the living room, letting him know there’s already some wine in there if he wanted it, hoping in my head he didn’t.

We made small talk on the couch until I heard another knock at the door. I got up, and Andrew followed. Nearly stumbling again, I opened the door and greeted Josh, the most palatable of the bunch. He held a huge tote bag filled with snacks, as if he’d stopped at the store before coming here.

“I wasn’t sure what you had, so, I brought a little of everything, heh,” he explained. Did he not expect me to have anything here already? I sort of appreciated the sentiment, but felt a little disrespected at the same time. Andrew greeted him at the door, giving him the same pat on the back he gave me. Must be some kind of tradition among young men I’m not aware of. They started talking as they stood in the kitchen, and I barely paid any attention, until Alex showed up in the open door frame, greeting us by holding his hands in the air, one holding a drawstring bag and the other holding a case of Corona Light. The 3 stooges began hollering in excitement, huddling up and chanting and jumping up and down to celebrate their hang out sesh. I winced and my ears rang, taking the case of Coronas and placing it next to the Modelos in the fridge. They finally died down and migrated to the living room, and I reluctantly followed.

Twenty minutes have passed, and we’ve already each cracked open a Corona or two, or in my case, 3. They were sipping at them between words, and I sat there silently drinking, quick enough to get drunk as fast as possible and slow enough to not chug it. I’m zoned out, tipsy, and barely paying any attention to the conversation. I hear the chatter, but don’t know what they’re saying, until Alex brings me back.

“Hey, who brought this shitty wine?” He called out, looking to the group, laughing patronizingly. The others laughed with him and they all looked around, apart from Andrew.

“Oh, that was just some stuff I had lying around.. I didn’t feel like going out again today,” I explained, wanting to end it right then and there.

“Dude, this is some fuckin’… Some chick shit!” They all cackled. “What, are you fucking gay or something, man?” The cackling got louder. I took a large sip from my bottle in response.

Andrew opened his big mouth, “No, dude, doesn’t he have a girlfriend or something?” He stifled a chuckle.

“Yeah,” I responded, without a hint of humor in my voice.

“Bro, I forgot you had a girl, man,” Josh said. I don’t know how that’s possible, when I said it was the reason I couldn’t go out. Fucking idiot. “How are y’all doing together?” He slurred out.

I questioned whether to be truthful or to let the question pass by without giving a clear answer, but I’m drunk enough that my real answer comes out without me even realizing I’m talking. “Well..” I started, voice low and words slurring. “She’s… She’s been stressed, with work and stuff, recently, and, uh… Well, we’ve been kinda, um,” my eyes widened and I exaggerated a loud sigh. “She’s been kinda pissed off with me lately. I don’t know.. She’s always complainin’ about something.”

Alex responded, “Well that’s just women, man, that’s just how they are,” he waved his hands in the air, as if to brush it off and say it wasn’t my fault. “That’s why I can’t do none of that lovey-dovey shit. Either she’s mad at me for doin’ somethin’ stupid, or I’m mad at her for doin’ somethin’ stupid. I just.. I just can’t do it.”

Josh raised his drink in the air, said, “Shit, I’ll drink to that,” and let out a stifled laugh. Andrew lifted his drink slightly as well. I stayed still.

Alex continued, “Women are just bitches, man. Personally, what I do, is, I just pump and dump, y’know what I’m sayin’?” He sticks out his tongue, and starts making a thrusting motion, laughing. Andrew and Josh drunkenly cackle. I stayed silent and just nodded along. “But really, man, that.. that blows. I’m sorry. That fucking blows.” He then reached over the arm of the couch, and lifted his drawstring bag over and into his lap. He unfastened the strings and reached into the bag, pulling out a pre-rolled joint, a lighter, and an ashtray. “A little something to ease your mind?” he said, as Andrew and Josh went wild, cheering for Alex. He placed the ashtray on the coffee table in front of us and handed me the joint and the lighter.

God, I haven’t smoked since college. I haven’t had a real reason to since then. Yeah, I’m stressed now, but not nearly as much as I was back with constant finals and exams and assignments. It was fun. And hey, I’m already decently tipsy. What’s a little extra? Why the hell not?

After contemplating for a moment, I took it from his hand, placed the joint in my mouth, and lit up for the first time in years. That first inhale nearly killed me with how hard I coughed. The guys all laughed at me, and it annoyed me. But after they went back to talking, and my high set in, their voices were drowned out and I completely zoned out of the conversation, only ever coming back when they passed the joint to me. I enjoyed my time with them for the first time since we graduated, as I leaned back into the couch and got drunker with every sip of Corona and my “chick shit” wine, and got higher with every puff.

I don’t remember much else about the night until they were leaving. I wasn’t blacked out or anything, I just was so out of it I can’t remember anything until I came back to reality, in a way. I looked around as they were leaving, and it was dark in the living room, the TV was playing some random music I’d never heard before, and the room was a mess, with empty beer cans and bottles all over the couch and coffee table. I got up to see them out, stumbling over the garbage, and the kitchen was just as dark as the living room. The light from the stove clock illuminated it just enough though to where I could see they left all their snacks and beer. I wasn’t sure whether this was on purpose or not, but I certainly wasn’t gonna complain about it at all. We said our goodbyes, and I shut and locked the door, finally getting some time to myself, without worrying for the first time today. I grabbed a bag of Doritos and a Modelo from the fridge, and went and sat down on the couch. I turned the music off, started playing my own on my speaker from my phone, and played Fortnite on my Xbox for the next few hours.

I was so out of it that 2 hours passed by in an instant, and suddenly, Michelle was home from work. I didn’t notice until she turned on the overhead light in the living room, and shouted my name. It startled me, and sent me in a panic to shut off my game and the music.

I looked at her with wide eyes, heart beating out of my chest. “What!?” I yelled out.

Michelle stood next to the couch, still holding her purse and wore her uniform from work. She hadn’t even taken her shoes off yet. She looked at me with wet eyes, as if she had just gotten done crying. “‘What?’ What do you mean, ‘What?’” she mocked. While her eyes were teary, they still showed an intense fire, showing just how angry she was at me. “I just cleaned up the apartment this morning, and, it’s already filthy again! I mean, look for yourself, Percy!” she yelled out, looking around at the beer cans and bottles, empty chip bags, and random piles of garbage, all left by the guys, then back to me. “And, what the hell is that smell? It’s like something died in here, oh my god, it’s terrible!” she cried out. Oh shit, it must be the weed she’s smelling. I hope she doesn’t realize what it is.

“I dunno,” I stammered out.

“You ‘dunno’. You always ‘dunno’. No, seriously, Percy, what happened while I was gone?”

“I just had some of the guys over, that’s all,” I answered, “they left a few hours ago, I think.. It’s really not that bad, hon,” I say as I looked around at the state of the apartment.

“Did one of them die in here, or something? I mean really, oh my god! How do you not smell that?” she questioned, covering her nose with her shirt, wafting the smell away from her.

I tried to diffuse the situation. “..Smell what?”

She groans in response, “Ugh, whatever,” and then continues, “They left here how long ago? A few hours, you said?” she questioned. She then pointed at me, “So, why didn’t you clean up after they left?”

I’m still a little drunk, and I started to get frustrated with her. I wanted to have a good night with her and it’s already going to shit. I try to hold myself back, but blurt out, “Ugh, it’s not even that bad, Michelle. Just relax.”

“I nearly tripped trying to get in the house because there’s garbage piled up by the front door!” she screamed out, “What the hell do you mean, ‘it’s not that bad’?”

I drunkenly blurted out again, “Michelle, honey, please. Just chill out,” putting my head in my hands. I continued, “You’re really stressing me out right now.. I had a really, really long day today, and, I just wanted to have a good night with you when you got back.”

Michelle laughed in my face after I said that. “Really? What was it that made it a ‘long day’?” She crossed her arms and grimaced at me.

“Well, for starters,” I began, “I had to get an Uber to my parents, so we could plan out Rubin’s birthday over brunch, and–“

“With what money?” she interrupted.

I rolled my eyes. “..With your card,” I mumbled.

She sighed out, “Continue.”

“So.. I had to do that, then I had to stop at that shitty McDonald’s you always complain about since I was starving–“

“With what money, again?”

I rolled my eyes even harder, becoming even more frustrated. “With your card,” I muttered coldly, louder than last time. “Then,” I continued, “the guys came over, and, well, I had to be around them for like, 2 or 3 hours, or something.. You know how much I hate them, baby–“

“So, why’d you invite them over?” She interrupted a third time.

I snapped on her this time. “Why do you keep interrupting me!?” I whined out, losing my temper a bit. She opened her mouth to speak, but closed it again and placed a hand on her hip. I continued, “They basically forced me to have them over! And, they, like, pissed me off the whole time, and kept annoying the shit out of me!”

Michelle was fuming, and I could tell. She let out another chuckle to herself, shaking her head and closing her eyes, and rubbed her temple with one hand, leaving the other on her hip. “Percy,” she started, “I just got done working a double at a grocery store that doesn’t give a shit about me, making $12 an hour, where I got screamed at all day for shit that wasn’t my fault,” she crossed her arms, “my feet have not gotten a break since 6 AM, since I had to be up early to start cleaning up after you. My head is throbbing, my legs, back, and arms are in so much pain. You had brunch with your rich parents, got McDonalds for yourself with my money, and drank with your friends all night. But you were the one who had a long day. Right.” She rolled her eyes as I sat there, speechless, until she caught a glimpse of the wine bottle on the coffee table, stared at it, and her eyes simply drooped as they watered again. Wondering what made her so upset, I looked over along with her, and saw the bottle was almost completely empty, enough to probably fill a shot glass or two. Did I really drink all that? I felt mortified as I looked back to Michelle, and saw she was storming off to our bedroom, where she usually takes off to during our arguments.

I leapt onto my feet and called out to her, trying my best to fix this horrible situation. “I’m sorry for the mess, I really didn’t want them to make such a huge mess, and I was gonna clean it but.. Really, Mika, I-“

She snapped her whole body around to interrupt me, pointing a finger at me and shoving it into my chest, “Don’t fucking call me that, Percy!” she screamed breathlessly, “I don’t give a fuck about whether or not you were gonna clean it. I’m so sick and tired of seeing you sit there on your ass and make it worse for me. It’s fucking disgusting. You’re a grown man and you can’t pick up after yourself? Seriously!?” She threw her arms up in the air in confusion, and turned back around in a hurry to get to the bedroom.

In one last dire effort to calm her down, I grabbed her arm, pulling her back towards me and stopping her from reaching the bedroom, spun her around, and kissed her. It’s been so long since we last kissed, and she tasted amazing. I could feel her trying to wriggle out of my grip, so I just held her tighter and kissed her harder to distract her from her own anger. She continued to push away from me, unsuccessfully, until I felt a hard slap on my right cheek. In shock, I pulled away and let go of her, and stared at her in surprise. She backed away from me creating a few feet of space between us, and she stood and stared at me with a fearful stance.

“What the hell, Percy!?”

I immediately lunged forward and kissed her deeply again before she could finally make it through the door. I grabbed her waist and the back of her head, pushing her into me with both hands. She pushed as hard as she could, nearly getting away once, but my grip on her tightened. I felt my cheeks become flushed as I kissed her and felt her body with my hands. Something came up inside me, making me need this woman more than anything, no matter how mad she was at me. I could feel warmth spreading throughout my whole body as she wriggled in my grip. She smacked me again, but it did nothing. Then another time. I simply grabbed her harder each time she hit me. She yelled between my kisses, “Percy, stop!” as she continued to push me away, but I resisted and silenced her by shoving my tongue in her mouth, deeper with each of her cries. She continued to hit me to shoo me away from her, and even began trying to pull my face away from hers by reaching her arm up and tugging at my hair and pushing at my face. I only responded by grabbing her arms and bringing them back down as she did so. By this point I was practically panting, as with each moment and each hit and tug and pull, I craved her and her body more and more. I needed to feel her entire body and I wanted her to feel mine.

I finally pulled away from her to gain some breath. My heart was pounding out of my chest, and my whole body felt so weak and tingly around her, but my grip on her stayed the same. As I pulled my mouth away from hers, I breathed in deeply and opened my eyes to look at her face. Her eyes were wide with a helpless look, an adorable look that made my knees wobble as I saw it. I couldn’t help but lean back in to kiss her again, and as I closed my eyes, I felt a large object make impact with my jaw and ear, physically knocking my face away from hers, and my whole body stumbled to the side following my head. I won’t lie, it sent me reeling, and I grabbed my jaw and caressed it to ease the pain. I looked up at Michelle, who backed away from me again, holding her purse out with her arm fully extended. I could see her slightly tremble, and she said nothing before she made her way in the bedroom, slammed the door.

I smirked a bit after collecting myself, finding her anger so adorable. I followed after her, and turned the doorknob, but it wouldn’t budge. She must’ve locked it. I tried to force it open again, using my body to try and make the door move a little, but still nothing. Still fiddling with the doorknob, I begged and pleaded for Michelle to come back out and talk to me, but she ignored me. I grew desperate and began banging on the door, trying to get it open. I needed to feel her body again, to touch her, and kiss, and taste her again.

“Michelle, please.. I just wanna talk, please..”

“We can talk when you learn how to clean up your shit,” she finally called out through the door. Just the sound of her voice made me melt.

“Baby, I.. I just really wanted to have a nice night,” I whined out, sliding my hands down the door, “why do you always have to go and ruin it for us..? Why can’t you just take care of it tomorrow, or something?”

“Oh, my god, I have work tomorrow, too! 7 to 5, plus I have to run errands tomorrow after! I don’t have the time to be your goddamn maid, Percy! I’m fucking done with it! Don’t think I’m doing shit with you until you learn how to clean up around the house.”

Again with the ‘having no time’. “I had a busy day too, hon, like I said,” I softly pleaded to her, “And I’m busy all day tomorrow, too.. I have to worry about my career taking off soon, and, I.. I have to go back to my parents again tomorrow! I just- I just don’t have the time either, I-“

I stopped mid sentence, quieting down to listen to the rustles and thumps coming from inside the room. I put my ear up to the door, listening carefully, before the door moved suddenly and I nearly fell over. I saw Michelle standing there, holding a ball of laundry, and she was wearing only a pair of pajama pants and a black bra. She let her hair down, just the way I liked it, and she had that look on her face again, with a tear streaming down her face. She coldly said as her brows furrowed, “Then you know what? If you have to go over again tomorrow, why don’t you get a head start, and get the fuck out of here.” She shoved the clothes at me, and I nearly dropped them since I was so focused on her, and her beautiful body. It had been so, so long since I’d seen her like this, and god, that face she was making drove me crazy. My face felt hot and my whole body was all wobbly again.

All I could mutter was, “Look, Michelle, I.. I’m sorry.. for acting how I did, just now. Let’s just.. can we, uh.. restart, hon?”

She looked to the side, crossing her arms over her chest and rubbing her biceps up and down. “Just.. Just go, please. I can’t do this right now.”

“No, baby, I.. I really just, I wanna make this up to you,” I said gently. I tossed my clothes onto the floor, and placed one hand on her waist and wiped her tears with the other. As I touched her, she slightly backed away from me, her body trembling again. I leaned in to kiss her, caressing her cheek as I did, and held her against me by the waist with the other hand. She resisted for just a moment, but finally gave in and began kissing me back.

My face felt hot again as we stumbled into the room, and I lead her to the bed, pushing her onto it and leaning over her as we made out. I made my way down from her jaw to her neck, then down to her chest where I left 2 hickeys. I joked with her, “I know you have work tomorrow, so, I left them there instead, heh.” She had no reaction.

I massaged my hands over her entire body, and my lips followed. I undressed myself, helped her take off her bra and pants, and kissed her one final time before pushing her onto her back, spreading her legs, and getting on top of her, positioning myself so I could see all the helpless faces she always made.

She looked a bit hesitant, almost disinterested, like she was spaced out. I gained her attention, and reassured her, “Just enjoy it, alright?”

After we finished, I fell over onto my back and breathed heavily. Michelle stayed perfectly still, before turning onto her side, getting cozy under the covers, and curling up into a ball, staying silent. Neither of us said anything for a good while. I think she might’ve fell asleep, so now, it’s just me and my thoughts until she wakes up. My mind wandered and recollected our argument beforehand. I looked to the clock, and it was already 10:30, an hour and a half since she’d gotten home. I thought about how angry she was when she walked through the door, and how upset she was while we were still talking. God, her face when she saw the wine. I definitely fucked up with that one. Well, at least the night wasn’t totally ruined, after all of that. I remembered how she’d told me to “get a head start” on my day tomorrow, and told me to go to my parents. I know she meant it as an insult, but.. it didn’t sound like a horrible idea. I have to be there a bit early tomorrow, plus I should dedicate most of my day to my league, shouldn’t I? Thank you, Michelle, for the idea.

I got out of bed and dressed myself again. I gathered all the clothes that laid outside the bedroom door, and loosely shoved them into an old backpack, before finally hearing my Mika’s voice again.

She called out, “What are you doing?”

“Oh, I uh, was thinking about what you said earlier, about me getting a head start on my day tomorrow, and, uh, I thought it was a good idea. So, I’ll be at my parents house for the night.”

She didn’t respond.

“I’ll be home before you get home tomorrow, don’t worry.”

Still no response.

I finished packing up all my things and got my shoes on.

“Is it alright if I take your car, hon?” I asked.

The only response I got was her adjusting the blanket a bit. Must be half asleep. I assume she wouldn’t need it that bad, so I reached into her purse and took her keys.

Before I left, I quietly approached Michelle, gently moved the hair from her face, and planted a kiss on her temple, before whispering to her, “I love you, Mika.” I turned back around, grabbed my stuff, turned off the light, and shut the door. I finally left the apartment, and headed over to my parents house.

[the-obnoxious-sibling]

Oooh how about top 5 favorite OP ships and characters? And Top 5 songs you've listened to this year?

(put “top 5” anything in my ask and i will answer)

top ships… well, number one should be pretty obvious.

shuggy - if i need to explain why, you have not spent much time on this blog, lol.

sanuso - you can blame beanie for this one, i vaguely thought they were cute before i followed her & ✨saw the light✨

zotash - tbh i'm not sure whether i still ship these two romantically, but i am always gonna be obsessed with their dynamic and hungry for more scenes between them, so they belong on the list.

frobin - yeah, it’s kinda basic, but imo that’s because it’s kinda obvious? that train ride to enies lobby, man—i’m still not over it. plus, the addams family vibes fanon entertains me.

hm. i feel like i’m forgetting a pair i’m really into. i like namivivi, i’m intrigued by crochawk, but neither one has a real tight grip on me atm. well, i can’t think of another ship, so i guess those two can share fifth place.

favorite characters! i’ve done a top 3 before, but top 5 gets a little trickier.

buggy

usopp

tashigi

luffy

ace

a couple strawhats should be ranked above ace if i’m being honest, but my marineford re-reads have had me getting weepy over ace, so he’s getting a tenderheart boost.

as far as songs go… i don’t use a service like spotify that monitors my most listened tracks or anything, so this is just broad guessing on my part.

something by mitski. i suspect if i could get the data for a top ten, she’d make up half of it—and only partly because i kept listening to her songs while trying to figure out which lyrics to use for my fics. “i’m your man” has the lyrics i think about the most, but “your best american girl” has been on my mind lately for… obvious reasons. (lmao, just remembered while pulling that link up that my reasons for lingering on “i’m your man” are similarly obvious.)

something by jack de quidt. the soundtracks they’ve composed for friends at the table’s various campaigns, one-shot games, and friends-of-the-show’s podcasts’ theme songs are all very good instrumental listening. the marielda album is a long-time favorite, while sangfielle and palisade are two recent albums of very different kinds of eerie music.

something off M A N I A. that album’s been my most played every year since it came out in 2017, oof, every song is at least danceable if not a bop. i’ve wanted a deadpool vid set to “wilson (expensive mistakes)” for so long, and a castiel vid set to “sunshine riptide” for longer.

something by abba. not sure what got me back on the abba train—the one song episode about gimme gimme gimme? the let’s learn everything episode about eurovision? generalized mamma mia nostalgia? whatever it was, i’ve been relistening to their music a lot this year. love a pop band with good harmonies.

”speeding cars” by imogen heap. she played this song during her npr tiny desk concert in 2019 and it absolutely made my week. no idea how i found this 2006 b-side, let alone listened to it so much that it produced that kind of reaction a decade later, but there you have it.

[feral-aunt]

2017 - 2022

the beginning. 2011 my relationship ended and I moved to Tring as all my family were here. I had/ have depression, so it made sense to be here for my families support.

I was renting privately until 2017 when my landlord decided to sell my flat.

I was going to be homeless as I couldn't find anywhere suitable.

a local homeless charity stepped in and offered me a place in a shared house, which I jumped at as I could keep my cats.

but other than living with family or partners, I'd never lived with anyone else, let alone 3 strangers.

so my anxiety started. I began drinking at night because it helped me sleep.

it wasn't too bad to begin with. all the kids were nice and we got along.

one of them moved out, and as favour to the charity, I took over the room so they would at least have money coming in for it until they found a new tenant. that backfired on me, and I ended up having to move into the other room.

the new tenant moved in and she was fucking awful.

always drunk or stoned. smoking. in the house having men over overnight.

just breaking a shitlosd of rules and making our lives hell.

so that was move number 2.

move number 3 was to a different property.

ended up with 2 young lads, pleasant enough, kept to themselves mostly.

one of my cats died there 🥺

I was getting close to the end of the time the charity could help me, and there were all sorts of complications with the council trying to get housed as they kept changing their criteria.

I was still drinking a lot, but only at night.

finally found my own place and move number 4 happened.

really lovely flat.

I was given notice after 8 months as my landlord needed to move into it.

I literally threw my hands in the air then.

started looking for somewhere else, knowing it was probably a waste of time.

my mom heard that someone she knows had an empty flat but weren't really interested in renting it out. she talked him round and we got the flat. moved her march 2020 a week before lockdown

so I moved here. move number 5 in 3 years. I was so done with moving hahaha

most of my anxiety immediately went away. but I kept drinking.

last couple of months in 2020 I started to realise I had a problem as I lost weight and started getting sick.

I'd already been told I had a problem with my liver, but too much was going on to sort it out.

I contacted my GP and went in for blood tests etc

told my family I am an alcoholic, which they pretty much already knew.

this was over Christmas 20 and NY21.

I went yellow a day or 2 into the new year. I phoned my GP. they told me to get to hospital immediately. I was going into liver failure.

first 6 months of 2020 I was in and out of hospital trying to get stabilised.

I was given a 2 week detox to get me off the booze, and I skipped a lot of the withdrawal symptoms because I was mostly out of it lol

so I nearly 2 years sober, and my liver is stable for now.

January last year my cat Dini died. he was my reason for living, the reason I pulled through and came home from hospital.

I knew soon after I needed another cat.

I had to wait 3 months for my boys now, and honestly it was so close.

they're a year old today 😻😻

now I'm settled and "happy". but I get lonely.

ok, I'm done haha