#because I can’t properly explain it to people who don’t deal with this shit 24/7

[the-little-crow]

Love that my body is fucking falling apart constantly, yet I still have to get up and go to work and do shit. I’ve been having this really shitty pain in my sternum the last few days, and it’s WAY worse today. Plus I can’t catch my fucking breath. Like at this point someone needs to take me out back and shoot me. It would be more preferable

[rynnaaurelius]

Titan’s Curse But Make It Time Loop: Nico di Angelo Edition

-Okay so I’m at work and not doing much and who wants to actually edit your shit drafts for your actual WIPs so that they’re less bad? No one, that’s who

-So I had an idea: The Titan’s Curse. Also known as the book where people start to die. It sucks to be a demigod in this book--for the first time in the original series, it really does.

-Not everything is fixed, not everyone is saved, and people start to have to make really tough decisions.

-So we fix it. Not by throwing Percy, or Annabeth, or Thalia, or, hell, even Bianca or Grover into the mix.

-Throwing the marginally more grown-up, more trained, and more knowledgeable demigods into the fire, who’d get everyone alive and safe by the third time ‘round? Nah.

-We’re making Nico fix this.

-Because here’s the thing about Nico di Angelo: Sure, he grows up to become a major badass, the Ghost King, so on and so forth. But not yet.

-For now, Nico is baby, a ten-year-old whose experience with any kind of fighting consists of one (1) Capture The Flag game and who’s still half-reliant on Mythomagic to explain what the fuck is happening.

-He’s also got the worst knowledge makeup possible! He knows he’s a son of Hades, which is bad, he knows to stick monsters with the pointy end of swords but nothing else, he knows that Percy Jackson and Thalia Grace are Very Big Deals (But also doesn’t know why beyond parents), and he’s, at best, vaguely aware that there’s some kind of bad prophecy hanging around.

-Also by the end of the book, he’s just been told his last immediate family who isn’t Hades is dead in one of the worst ways possible, and he--pretty irrationally IMO, but Nico’s a kid who has been through a lot recently, so we’re not holding that against him--blames Percy Jackson.

-Literally, you probably can’t pick an angstier or worse choice to run through the time travel trope. I love it.

-We’re making this kid save Bianca’s life via time loop, which happens due to. . .hmm, we’ll say the Fates did it.

-So, Loop 0 = Canon, only at the end of the day on December 21st, after the conversation with Percy, Nico falls asleep only gods know where only to wake up the day he meets Percy Jackson:

Loop 1:

-Nico doesn’t actually change anything meaningful at first.

-Spends most of it shellshocked and not unconvinced the last week (For him, anyway) wasn’t a horrible nightmare; shellshocked and staring at Percy Jackson, anyway.

-(Percy’s wondering what’s up with the silent kid his sister had talked up as a cheerful chatterbox)

-It’s only when Bianca agrees to join the quest for Artemis that he starts kicking up a fuss; demanding to go, screaming that she can’t leave him even more, not again.

-(Bianca hesitates; briefly, enough to remind Nico that she loves him. But she’s not their mother, and she needs this)

-Bianca still dies. Percy comes back pale and guilty. Nico doesn’t yell at him when he returns--he already knows. He accepts the Hades figurine so that he can throw it into the lake.

-He slinks off back into Cabin Eleven and falls asleep, hoping desperately that he gets a third chance.

Loop 2:

-He does.

Loop 3:

-After a very painful death at the hands of Dr. Thorn, Nico, generally being a straightforward person at this stage of life, takes the obvious path this time around: He tries to tell Bianca--who brushes it off as a dream.

-Annabeth still goes over the cliff when Nico takes the initiative of attaching himself and his sister to Percy Jackson and Thalia Grace at the dance. He tries to tell Percy and Thalia when Bianca still joins the Hunt, promising Nico that whatever he saw, she’ll be extra careful.

-(Bianca’s fearful of what Nico's saying, and thinks that if these sworn sisters can’t keep her safe, who can?)

-Artemis gives Nico a speculative look but agrees when he begs her to protect Bianca at all costs.

-He doesn’t get on the quest. Being a reasonable demigod of questionable parentage, he sneaks out of camp.

-He gets caught, because despite being aware of his awesome new powers, he doesn’t know how to use them, and is still a ten-year-old who can barely hold a sword the right way.

-He gives Percy the puppy dog eyes and shows off said awesome new powers. Percy forces him back.

-Nico follows him.

-Repeat until Percy dies saving Nico from the Nemean Lion in Washington, DC.

-Nico can’t find it in himself to be terribly sad--especially when he doesn’t make it much longer.

Loop 4:

-He’s really stuck like this, huh?

-Oh, Di Immortales.

-(Before Percy gets his chest ripped to shreds by a lion and Nico meets skeleton cats, he learned how to hold a sword properly and curse fluently in Greek. Percy probably only meant to teach him one of those things)

-In unrelated news: Having a big crush on a guy who thinks he’s only known you for a couple hours? Terrible.

-Trying to hate the guy who let your sister die when he’s that stupid and nice? Even worse.

-That stupid lion.

Loop 5, 6, 7, 8, 9:

-Nico repeats: That stupid lion.

-Somewhere in Loop 7 he starts to steal supplies out of the camp store when he follows Percy following the quest.

-They forcefeed the lion enough trail mix and frozen ice cream in Loop 9 that they don’t die this time.

-At least until someone called the General shows up and Nico’s dead before he can raise his sword.

Loop 10:

-Nico wakes up in his and Bianca’s room in Westover and starts crying. Bianca tells the headmaster they’re both sick and Nico lets her hold him all day.

-They fall asleep and Nico swears he won’t let her die again.

Loop 11, 12, 13:

-He wakes up and he still can’t get out of bed without feeling that blade cutting between his ribs, burning like it’s on fire.

-Gods, he’s so sorry, Bianca. Dispiace tanto.

Loop 14:

-He can get up without feeling like he’s about to die again. Bianca fusses but assumes it was just a bad dream.

-Nico is caught stealing and can’t follow Percy until it’s too late.

-Everyone assumes this means he’s a son of Hermes, however, and Nico can’t correct them without opening his mouth and letting the sobbing laughter out.

-Figuring he’s about to get another chance next round anyway, he takes Travis and Connor Stoll up on their offer to learn a thing or two so that he doesn’t get Cabin Eleven slapped with kitchen duty from now until Doomsday.

-He likes the Stolls. He spent most of the time, pre-looping, actively avoiding everyone at camp as he waited for Bianca and Percy to come back, but they’re not that bad.

-Percy comes back with the figurine and no sister and Nico remembers why he’s stuck.

Loop 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23:

-After Loop 12 and being killed in Washington DC again, Nico realizes: He needs to learn how to fight.

-Unless he gets killed early or refuses to leave Westover, the loop resets after seven days. So, he has seven days to train each time.

-He gets to camp, finds the arena, and meets Clarisse La Rue. He demands she teach him how to kill monsters.

-She laughs, and tells him that attitude in his size will make monsters easy to kill, they’ll laugh so hard.

-Clarisse teaches him how to swing a sword each time--but only after mocking his unamused face.

-Somehow, Percy coming back with news of Bianca’s death only hurts more each time.

Loop 24:

-Nico wakes up before Bianca this time. He looks over at her bed and knows. He’s got to try this time.

-It’s disturbingly easy making friends with Percy Jackson after the last loops.

-Bessie’s new. Cute, but new.

-Nico wonders just how much he’s missed in the past--he thinks of Annabeth Chase, and hopes she hasn’t been dying each time.

-Percy doesn’t even argue when Nico shows up in the stables with a bag slung over his shoulder, and the sword he’s been stealing out of the shed strapped to his hip.

-Nico suggests the ice cream--again--to Percy in DC before

-Nico might be getting the hang of this.

Loop 25:

-Nico is not getting the hang of this.

-Zoë Nightshade’s refusal to accept Percy and Nico on the quest--violating a prophecy, and gods, Nico’s curious if that prophecy ever mentioned this--has so far gotten them attacked and killed by spartoi once.

-And again. As Nico bleeds out on the floor, he watches a panicked blond man--a demigod--plead for mercy.

-Isn’t he on the other side?

Loop 26:

-His name is Luke Castellan and he apparently wants the gods dead.

-Nico can relate at this point.

-The General is Atlas, and Nico knows enough about Greek mythology, real and wrong, at this point to know that is bad.

Loop 27:

-Twenty-six tries, but they finally make it out of DC. Threatening the questers with Atlas killing them all is more than enough.

-For the first time, Nico doesn’t know what happens next. He glues himself to Bianca’s side and glares at anything suspicious.

-With help that Percy refuses to name, even when Nico tries his hardest, they go to New Mexico.

-There’s a boar and it’s so close, they make it to what the others are calling “the junkyard of the gods”.

-Nico sees the Hades figurine on the ground.

-Bianca grins in delight and picks it up, calling for him.

-He can’t help it.

-Nico starts screaming.

Loop 28:

-His sister’s murderer was never Percy Jackson.

-His sister’s murderer was a force of mechanics that makes Nico fully understand, for the first time, what the gods are, beyond stats on a card.

-Talos.

-Nico is going to destroy him.

Loop 29:

-She dies.

Loop 30:

-Again.

Loop 31:

-Again.

-Loop 32, 33, 34, 3536373839FortyFo r t y O n  e--:

-Again. Again. Again. Again again againagainagainagainAGAIN--

Loop 42:

-Nico gets out of bed. He finds Percy Jackson at the dance, hugs him, and tells him he’s sorry.

-Nico walks outside and waits for Dr. Thorn in the snow. He can feel the shadows curling at the edge of the wood like a sixth sense, now. Waiting for him to summon the restless dead out of them.

-So many attempts to save his sister, ranging from sacrificing himself to sacrificing Percy--not that Percy needs the push, Nico has found--to any and all members of the quest.

-She dies. Always, always dies. Whatever Nico does, that junkyard is full of the death of Bianca di Angelo.

-He tried avoiding it. Once. Loop 33. Nico threw such a fit he’s surprised he wasn’t sent back to Camp Half-Blood by the Hunters, but it kept them out of the junkyard.

-He tries not to remember how little was left of his sister’s body by the monsters that time.

-Son of Hades. After all this time, Nico’s beginning to wonder if this is what it means. Death and death and death.

-Dr. Thorn walks outside, and Nico can feel a ghoulish grin crossing his face that has no place on a ten-year-old.

-One of them is going to die, this loop. And Nico will not go to New Mexico.

Loop 43:

-Nico wonders if there was a past life of his he needs to remember. Who could he have made this angry?

-He lies to Bianca and they stay in Westover again this time. Better than death, anyway.

Loop 44:

-Nico tries a different tack this time. A more roundabout way of things.

-He takes Bianca and throws the two of them in the way of the battle with the manticore.

-After all this time, he still doesn’t know much about Annabeth Chase. She gets kidnapped and returned safely to Percy every time, to the best of his knowledge.

-Nico dies holding up the sky, but at least Bianca lives, under the protection of Artemis.

Loop 45:

-Nico looks in the mirror and studies the new grey streak with fascination. And, maybe, some hope.

-Things can change.

Loop 46, 47, 48, 49, 50:

-Nico gets kidnapped a few times. Once, he’s killed in a rage by a Titan with horns, but it’s quick. Mostly, he holds up the sky to get Artemis out.

-She looks at him strangely each time and Nico wonders if she can see what he’s done.

Loop 51:

-They figure out he’s a son of Hades. They offer him Olympus. Olympus and Bessie--the Ophiotaurus, rather.

-Nico says no.

Loop 52:

-Nico says yes.

Loop 53:

-Being on the verge of overthrowing the gods and keeping everyone he’s grown to care for--in the case of several Hunters, against his will; in Percy Jackson’s case, Nico loves him as much as he hates him at this point--doesn’t do much, apparently.

-Nico stays in Westover again. He resists the urge to tell Bianca that would-be destroyers of Olympus don’t need to brush their hair, whatever she says.

Loop 54:

-Nico goes over the edge of the cliff again, but with Percy Jackson.

-This isn’t the first time; in Loop 46, Percy had taken the sky for both the sake of Artemis and Nico until it killed him.

-What’s different, is Nico’s in the middle of what’s become the usual panic attack when he’s about to die for the hundredth time, and his powers react.

-Percy holds him close and calls him cousin. Tells him he’ll never leave Nico.

-You have no idea, Nico whispers. You can’t leave me.

-You think I want to? Percy whispers back. You’re not alone, Nico.

-Nico’s sobbing sounds like laughter.

Loop 55:

-Nico tells Percy the truth for the third time. This is the first time he hasn’t told Bianca first.

-They’ve just found the Erymanthian Boar, Thalia’s told Nico his goth needs work--whatever that means--and Nico’s bracing himself for the junkyard again.

-Getting kidnapped by the Titans really gets old after a while.

-He still has the grey streak, and no number of excuses will fully soothe his sister, but the Hunt’s a good distraction from it.

-Nico doesn’t blame Bianca anymore for it. He thinks.

-Nearly a year into this loop and Nico’s finding it hard to blame anyone for much of anything, anymore. Especially when he sees what she’s faced. Again. And again.

-For now, this time, Percy Jackson is staring at Nico with wide eyes at what Nico’s told him--through these loops, Nico’s starting to wonder if he now knows more about Percy than Percy’s own best friends--and says he believes him.

-Once, Nico would’ve exploded from joy. Now, he just sighs and nods.

-Percy tells him how to condense the conversation for the next loop. He advises Nico to research Talos, “like Annabeth would.”

-He advises Nico to warn Percy’s next loop self about Annabeth’s kidnapping. Nico wonders if he’s gone insane that he’s considering it.

-Bianca dies.

Loop 56:

-Nico makes the executive decision this time to try and befriend Annabeth Chase. As such, he takes Percy’s advice.

Loop 57:

-It takes him two tries to befriend Annabeth Chase and learn about Talos.

Loop 58:

-Three times.

-But the nail. The nail in the ankle of Talos.

Loop 59:

-He hangs back at camp again this time and meets Charles Beckendorf, head of Cabin Nine, and son of Hephaestus.

-Nico figures that short of finding the god himself and committing temporary suicide--not that it hasn’t crossed Nico’s mind--his son will have to do.

-(He’s tried his hand at summoning ghosts, but Daedalus refuses to show, for some reason)

-Beckendorf frowns and tells Nico he would have to see Talos himself.

-Nico hadn’t realized just how much cursing he had picked up off of Percy and Thalia until that moment.

Loop 60:

-Nico knows what the prophecy says. One shall be lost in the land without rain.

-He knows it’s why he’s been failing so much.

-The trouble is, he no longer cares.

Loop 61:

-It took him a try, but he gets Beckendorf on the quest, prepared to defeat the Talos prototype.

Loop 62:

-Strike that, two tries.

-Nico really hates the Nemean Lion.

Loop 63, 64:

-Nico has solved half a problem: How to defeat Talos without putting someone inside the robot.

-The other half of the problem is now that they are all electrocuted by a dying automaton for their efforts.

Loop 65:

-Beckendorf’s crush--girlfriend? crush, they’re both insisting--Silena Beauregard comes along this time. Nico won’t complain over the extra manpower, even if he’s positive that eight campers and Hunters are patent overkill for one quest.

-Silena pulls Bianca out of the wreckage. Nico’s heart stops.

-Silena’s crying when she mentions that if they had been a bit earlier, she could have been revived.

-Nico wonders if Thalia’s going to stab him as he starts whooping. And takes notes about where Talos falls.

Loop 66:

-Nico swears, if Percy Jackson tries to sacrifice himself for Annabeth Chase one more time--

Loop 67:

-Bianca.

-I found you, he sobs. I found you.

-Gods damn the Hoover Dam.

Loop 68:

-And again.

-Despite having the distinct inkling at this point that he doesn’t much like like girls, Nico could kiss Silena Beauregard and Thalia Grace when they manage to revive his sister each time.

-She’s shaky and leaning on him and was dead, he could see her soul floating away--

-But she’s there.

-Nico refuses to let his sister out of the sight at the Hoover Dam and Percy befriends the Naiads this time.

-At least, until the Titans--who Nico made the very big mistake of taunting at DC--sends monsters he can’t control.

Loop 69, 70, 71, 72, 73:

-They keep dying in various combinations at the Hoover Dam now that Nico’s figured out how to save Bianca.

-At least, until he gets separated from Percy in Loop 73 and he meets a redheaded girl with a penchant for calling Nico pint-size.

-Athena dislikes Percy, Nico, Bianca, and Thalia in equal measure. Having learned of the Great Prophecy in Loop 16 and Percy’s mooning over Annabeth in. . .well, every loop, Nico can’t quite blame her.

Loop 74:

-Her name is Rachel Elizabeth Dare and Nico likes her. She takes none of their shit and if it weren’t for the fact that they already have eight people on the quest, he’d want to take her along.

-Bianca gets in a fight with the Old Man of the Sea. Thalia electrocutes him when he throws Bianca in the bay.

Loop 75:

-Nico wakes up in Westover with the distinct feeling that he was drowned on dry land.

-He stays in bed shivering, that day.

Loop 76:

-Atlas is the father of Zoë Nightshade. Nico learned this around Loop 50. He had realized around five loops ago that this probably meant she was going to die “by a parent’s hand.”

-He hadn’t realized that it was going to hurt to watch.

Loop 77, 78, 79, 80, 81:

-Now that he’s figured things out to about San Francisco, it seems the world is out to get him. The number of fights or mistakes that he either makes himself or has to head off are ridiculous.

Loop 82:

-Nico is so very tired. And wishes he felt ten years old again.

Loop 83:

-If Thalia gets in one more fight with Nereus, Nico's going to walk into the sea.

Loop 84:

-He wanders off, in this one. Grover had been killed in Hoover Dam, so Nico’s waiting for the reset at this point.

-In the meantime, Nico figures there are worse things to do than enjoy a good afternoon in San Francisco. He even meets a boy in a purple shirt.

-His name is Jason and he has hair like the sun.

-If he ever fixes this, Nico wants to find him.

Loop 85:

-Nico’s not fast enough in the junkyard.

-In San Francisco, he tries to find the ugliest, biggest trouble he can find.

-He finds a pair of teenagers in armor who yell Latin at him instead.

Loop 86:

-There’s a dragon that will attack them in the Garden of the Hesperides if they make it angry enough and Nico is so tired.

Loop 87:

- Zoë Nightshade is dead. They’ve won.

-Funny definition of “win”, considering they’ve all almost died this loop about a dozen times each, and Nico can’t explain why he’s crying on the body of a Hunter he only met a week ago, in their eyes.

-She hates him, some loops. More loops, she looks at him with ghosts of old grief in her eyes and hands him a knife.

-The gods execute Bessie, and then, Nico watches as his father turns to him and Bianca with sorrowful eyes.

-Nico should’ve figured, after almost ninety loops.

Loop 88:

-Luke offers one of them the entrails of Bessie again.

-Nico takes them.

Loop 89:

-For all the good it does. Nico wakes up as he does every time now: Powerless, in bed, and with only a grey streak to show for his efforts.

Loop 90, 91, 92, 93, 94, 95, 96, 97, 98:

-Nico doesn’t know how to save Zoë Nightshade. Bianca, he could trick and fight his way into it. Beckendorf and Silena and Percy and a loophole in lost could save his sister.

-Her, she just. . .dies. Sometimes in DC, sometimes in San Francisco, sometimes on the hills of Mt. Tamalpais. Always at the hands of Atlas.

-Always, being murdered by her father.

-It’s not as gutting as watching his sister die, but it aches more in his chest, somehow.

Loop 99:

-He sticks close to Zoë this time. Same as he’s done with Percy, Annabeth, his sister, Thalia, and Grover, time and time again. But not her, Nico is realizing. Not the clinging he’s achieving now.

-Hoping for. . .something.

-He knows better than to tell the immortal Lieutenant of Artemis the whole truth. The loneliness is enough.

-She’s less frosty to him from the start than to, say, Grover or Percy, after Annabeth goes over the cliff again. When he shows up in DC, she’s much less angry than he’s seen her.

-Along the way to New Mexico and then San Francisco, he listens. He’s grown better at it, this far in. When the others are asleep, when Bianca is being fussed over after Talos, when everyone but them is asleep by the fire, he listens.

-And she tells him about her sisters. About her father, when the world was young and Atlas had looked on every daughter of his with pride. She tells him, pride glistening in her eyes, of the battles she has seen, the hunts she has overseen at the command of a goddess, the monsters she has killed, and the epithets she has been given.

-He doesn’t ask anything of her. Not until they’re in the house of Annabeth’s father, drinking lemonade the night before the battle, and Nico knows she is about to die again.

-What do you want, he asks. You’ve done everything. What’s left?

-She stopped, ice seems to creep over her again, and Nico wondered if he’d hit some sore spot.

-He’s opened his mouth to make his apologies when she answers, so quiet and quick he thinks he’s imagined it.

-To be remembered. When my lady has taken another lieutenant, as she must, and I have gone to where all gods go when they die, I wish for my memory to remain. And. . .

-Nico waits, and ignores the sudden, terrifying thought that he no longer knows what he wants.

-I wish to see the stars again. I was born a nymph of the sunset; starlight is precious to me. I want to see it again.

-Nico dies to preserve the memory of Zoë Nightshade.

100:

-Nico di Angelo wakes up in Westover Hall. He hopes for the last time.

-He does everything right: Annabeth goes over the cliff, his sister joins the Hunt, Percy is soon his friend, and he convinces Silena and Beckendorf to join the quest.

-The Nemean Lion never stands a chance, and Nico is glad to be rid of it.

-His sister lives.

-Nico watches Percy watch Rachel Elizabeth Dare go, looking like he’s just taken a frying pan to the face, and fights the urge to snicker.

-Thalia doesn’t start a fight with Nereus, but Percy certainly does. Nico could’ve sworn he saw the boy with sun-hair again, watching with curiosity.

- Zoë Nightshade dies in the arms of Artemis and is made into the stars she loves so dearly. Nico promises her soul that he will remember.

-For, he has found, the dead have a tendency of remembering things they shouldn’t.

-Annabeth and Percy now have grey streaks to match Nico’s, and Nico can’t wait to spend the rest of his life trying to explain that.

-It’s closer than he would like, but much less close than other lives with Olympus. The Ophiotaurus is alive and safe, and they are all alive.

-As Nico walks out of the council, he looks off to the side. By the fire is the familiar girl with red eyes--the Lady Hestia, looking much closer to Nico’s age than that of the Olympian she is.

-Besides her are three old ladies. Nico’s heard about them from Percy, in Loops 26, 53, 61, and 62.

-One lady holds a ball of string that is the color of a warm umber. The other is knitting what looked suspicious like socks. The last. . .

-Scissors, in one hand. Just as expected. Nico swallowed.

-In the other, was a knot of burnt string, tied to the socks. Behind her, Nico could see discarded string of all colors: an electric blue, a stormy grey, a black that seems to glisten with the promise of a storm, string the soft, hopeful pink of love, yarn run through with bright copper.

-Glowing threads that Nico could only describe as the color of starlight.

-As he walked out, firmly between Percy Jackson and Thalia Grace, the Hunt of Artemis behind him, Nico hears one last promise:

It is done, Nico di Angelo.

[lampmeeting]

Hey I’m working on a fic and I really like the way you write Toki so I wanted to know if you had any advice for capturing his voice

oh wow!! :O this is really flattering and SO sweet, thank you fish! yeah, lemme see if i can organize my thoughts in a way that makes sense (i apologize in advance if i don’t, which... yeah i probably won’t haha)

Let’s bust out the capital letters and write this properly though. All right, so here’s a collection of things I think about when writing Toki:

he can be hypervigilant at times due to his childhood trauma, looking out for other people’s emotions

he’s also optimistic to a stubborn degree and sometimes gets carried away with that without meaning to (I think the intense optimism is a protective measure he developed as a kid)

he feels very deeply but doesn’t always know how to express that, which can lead to frustration and second-guessing himself

he’s smart but due to spending most of his life either in an abusive household with no proper schooling or in a mansion with servants, he’s got some serious gaps in his knowledge and social skills, so he can seem weird/spacey/stupid at times

enjoys activities that make him feel “grown up” since he’s not used to being viewed as a capable adult (i tend to write him older, too, so it’s especially difficult for him being constantly treated like someone much younger than he is)

The thing about Toki, too, is that he still has these very innocent, childlike views and opinions. A kiss and a hug should make things better. Ignoring a problem might make it go away. When someone is mad, they must be mad at him. He can be very reactionary, unless he doesn’t feel completely safe, in which case he might feel everything the same way, but be much more subdued and observational, or if he feels VERY unsafe might even retreat into himself entirely to try and escape (I also think that when he feels safe with someone, that’s when his playfulness/brattiness can sometimes pop out, which is why he’s like that a lot with the boys because he feels comfy around them).

And then of course he IS prone to just wildly explosive episodes of anger. No one can keep up the :D 24/7 with without a good outlet for negative emotions. I like to think art and making models can sometimes help him zone out and deal, and of course we know he can abuse alcohol to cope with bad feelings, but when he doesn’t have any of those outlets readily available shit can sorta boil over. It’ll always seem to others like it came outta nowhere, but Toki was probably feeling it build for a while until he finally couldn’t take it.

I feel like I’m not doing a very good job of this haha... sorry. My thoughts are always really scattered and trying to wrangle is difficult. I also tend to put a pretty fair amount of myself and my own thought process into Toki because I’ve come to relate to him the older I get, so things tend to get a bit muddled.

Basically, to me, Toki is a sensitive, socially-stunted adult man who desperately wants to be perceived as someone capable and worthy of respect, but he also wants to cuddle his teddy bear and sing silly songs and fall in love and be a mushy, goofy motherfucker, and I think he’s always trying to figure out how to find that balance that allows him to have it both ways.

And as far as, like, his actual dialogue goes, I tend to keep him in shorter sentences just because they’re easier for him (and let’s face it, me) to deal with. A lot of his “dialogue” tends to be nonverbal, too (I think? or at least it is in my mind). Expressions, what his hands are doing, how he’s positioning himself, etc. I try to keep the plurals as minimal as I can while still staying true to his canon way of speaking. If I could get away with season 1 Toki, I would, but unfortunately by the time the later seasons and Doomstar happen, he’s talking more and more like Skwisgaar (and throwing in a random 3rd person just like Dr. Rockso does...). And then it’s always fun to try and have him use words he can’t really remember how to pronounce, or maybe he uses a similar-sounding word in place of what he means to say (”blowjob” instead of “nosebleed”).

Just for like...example purposes I guess, here’s my favorite lil’ bit of Toki dialogue I’ve ever written (from What You Need, near the beginning when he’s out with Magnus):

“Thanks for coming out with me, man.”

“I’ms the ones what should be thankings you.” Magnus gave him a curious look and Toki blushed and kept talking. “Well, um. Ams just nice to gets away from everyones for a while.”

“Yeah,” Magnus said slowly, rattling his ice. “How’s that all going?”

Toki didn’t want to think about it too hard. The alcohol was making it sting. “Nots great. Nathans and Pickle ams still hatings each other. And I can’ts works for Murderface anymore ‘cause of thems photos on the news.”

Magnus stifled a wheezing laugh behind his glass, cleared his throat. “I, uh. Saw that. Just terrible.”

Toki put his head down on the table and groaned. “Whats ams gonna happens to Toki, Magnus?”

(I love sticking in those little bits when he refers to himself in 3rd person, it’s so silly and cute.)

Anyway, I hope this helped in some way?? Sorry for writing you a novella here. If you have any follow-up questions I’d love to take a crack at ‘em! :D And thank you!!!

(PS - also I should mention that @sourbat writes an exquisite Toki that really inspires me and they’re phenomenal at explaining their thought process, so if you’d like another perspective you should totally hit them up)

[silluuuu]

1, 7, 23, 24, 26, 27, 28, 30 (putting you on blast lmao), 31, 37, 38 (ill let you pick just gimme the headcanons!), 40, 41, 49, 50

aer i love u LOL thank u for this gift. my brain is very wrung-sponge this morning so will have to answer the hc questions later 2day but i will answer the rest now. LOTS OF SPOILERS AHEAD!:

1. Who is your favorite character in the show? ok i have two answers for this, and both of them feel like they’re everyone’s answer but i can’t help it, these are my feelings!!!

objectively: catra. i love her story arc SO! MUCH! i thought it was done so well and she’s been through so much and i’m so proud of her. subjectively: adora. she is my people, i identify with her so much and she is so special to me and i will elaborate on this in #7 lol.

7. Do any characters remind you of yourself? Do you share any traits with a character? adora, 100%. she is Anxious and has such high standards for herself and takes responsibility for so much when she doesn’t have to!!! she’s been taught basically since birth to please others, to shoulder blame, to rise to others’ expectations, to be infallible - yeah, that all resonates with me a lot, haha.

23. Favorite episode? Corridors, hands down. if i had 24 minutes and 7 seconds to live, that is what i would watch. i wish i were exaggerating!! special shoutout to save the cat and white out as well. i can watch those episodes at ANY TIME, in ANY LIFE.

24. Did you cry at any point watching She Ra? the first time i watched, i only cried once - when mara says “you’re worth more than what you can give to other people; you deserve love too”. it felt like she was talking to me thru the screen and i just lost it. when i re-watch, i cannot watch Promise without crying. i didn’t Understand how important that episode was the first time, and now every time i watch, i cannot deal!!

26. Are there any characters you don’t like/find annoying? listen. i literally love them all. some are definitely more fleshed out than others, but i can honestly say i love every single one of these dummies with my whole heart. well. obviously i hate shadow weaver because like, she sucks. but as a character, i enjoy her immensely.

27. Are there any characters that you didn’t like at first but now you do? YES. seahawk!!! swiftwind!!! i didn’t properly appreciate mermista until season 4 (a tru crime).

28. Does Swift Wind deserve rights? listen, swiftwind redeemed himself in my eyes from that one scene where he imitates shadow weaver. shit was hilarious!!!

30. How many times have you watched She Ra? ... LISTEN. 😂 okay, so i’ve watched the entire show, beginning to end, about 6 times. three times by myself, three times with friends. my favorite episodes, tho? i’ve probably watched corridors/save the cat more than 20 times, at this point. listen. we know i have a problem. i have accepted this about myself.

37. Do you have any unpopular thoughts/opinions about She Ra? my most unpopular opinion is probably the fact that i love every single character, LOL. 40. Why do you like She Ra? it’s just... it’s so special to me. i guess i’ll split this into objective and subjective again, haha. objectively: the way the show discusses abuse, toxic friendships, its allegories to religion and guilt, the idea that you can make mistakes over and over and still, finally, after everything you’ve done, choose to be better? *chefs kiss*. there are so many important, nuanced messages in the show that people of all ages need to hear, and it’s BEAUTIFUL. also, the representation, duh. and the characters are hilarious and layered and charming and genuinely so incredible to me. subjectively: catra in a suit, catra’s outfit in season 4, catr-- ok i’m kidding (i’m not kidding) but the show also just perfectly jives with my brand of humor - a little dumb, a little tongue-in-cheek, i don’t know how to explain it. i just feel like, every emotion when i watch it, and it makes me feel a little more alive or something. 41. What do you not like about She Ra? i wanted/needed just a little bit more of some plotlines!!! my one major letdown from the show is the resolution on catra and scorpia’s relationship (give us a proper reconciliation, you cowards!!! scorpia deserved better!!!) i would have killed for a full 25-minute epilogue episode. speaking of scorpia, where are scorpia’s moms!?!?! also what the heck is going on with entrapta’s family? we got so much great development with bow and glimmer’s families, i just want more for the rest of the princesses!!! i know there’s only so many episodes but!!!! i need more!!!

49. What character is underrated? omg, easiest answer on this list for me. perfuma!!! her growth in the show is so under the radar, but the fact that she goes from treating vulnerability as a weakness in s1 to seeing vulnerability as her biggest strength in s5???? incredible, amazing, show-stopping, spectacular-- 50. What character is overrated? i understand that this answer is a cop-out, but: i love these stupid humans (also some non-humans) so much. i am the one doing the overrating. none of them are overrated. they are all perfectly-rated and this is the hill i will die on 😂 thank u so much aer, u are the best LOL

[palettes-and-prompts]

100 First Meetings (Dialogue Prompts)

1) "Were you the one in the bathroom a second ago trying different lines in the mirror to work up the courage to ask that barista out?" 2) "Wow, you're cute." 3) "You come here often?" "This is a morgue." 4) "You! What the hell are you doing in here? We're closed!" 5) "Ahhhh! I hate my fucking life!!!" "Mood." 6) "You have magic?!" 7) "You don't look like you'll last a day here." 8) "You should leave before your date gets back from the bathroom, I saw them in here the other day popping the question to two different people." 9) "They never told me they had a younger brother/sister." 10) "Who's the twink?" 11) "I gotta ask, are you mad about something or is your face just /like that?/" 12) "You're my new roommate?" 13) "You're not married are you?" 14) "Hey, you're not dead are you? Cause I'm on probation and I can't afford to be involved in a fucking murder or something." 15) "So you're the one causing all this trouble." 16) "I need you to pretend we're dating so this dude will leave me alone." 17) "Honey, there you are I've been looking all over for you! Pretend you're with me so this person will go away." 18) "So you're the loud moaner from upstairs, huh, never knew you'd be so cute." 19) "You're not the pizza guy." 20) "You know, when I said I wish the love of my life would just fall out of the sky this isn't exactly what I had in mind." 21) "Any particular reason you're putting peanut butter in my kid's hair?" 22) "You made me dinner?" 23) "You've got the wrong room, but feel free to stay naked." 24) "You must be the motherfucker who broke my windshield!" 25) "Hi, you are very naked." 26) "You their new toy?" 27) "How'd you like to make fifty bucks?" 28) "I know I'm going to regret asking but who are you?" 29) "You got any friends?" "No." "Well you do now, come sit with us!" 30) "Cute face, I'd love to sit on it sometime." 31) "Where'd you find this dork?" 32) "Uh, there any particular reason you're screaming at two thirty-six in the morning? 33) "Out of curiosity, do you think you could lift a dead body?" 34) "If you don't let go of this bag of chips I swear to god I'll bring you to your knees in the middle of this fucking WinnDixie." 35) "WHO THE FUCK ATE THE LAST OF THE FUCKIN DORITOS, I SWEAR TO GOD I'LL-oh! I'm sorry, I didn't know we had a guest. If I'd known we had a guest I would've cleaned." 36) "Are you the vegan cannibal? Because I have so many questions." 37) "Ooh, hello Mommy/Daddy. Fuck, did I just say that out loud?" 38) "Am I dead? Are you an angel? Am I in heaven?" "Actually you're in a taco bell, you tried to do a kick flip on your skateboard in the parking lot and hit your head on the side of the dumpster." 39) "You brought a fucking guest to our SECRET BASE?! I'll deal with you later. Hi, hello, it's very nice to meet you please make yourself at home!" 40) "So, you gay or what?" 41) "No, sorry, we don't want any girl scout cookies." 42) "Holy shit, you just saved my fucking life!" 43) "Hey, honey, it's just me. You were in a really bad accident so don't try moving around too much, okay? How are you feeling?" "You called me honey. Do I know you?" 44) "Jesus, your face is about as red as your hair." 45) "Run along little ballerina, you wouldn't want to be caught hanging around the bad kids, would you?" 46) "No, I'm not the stripper, but I can be if you'd like." 47) "You ready to cut open some bodies?" 48) "Get in if you want to live." 49) "What are you looking at, short stack? Mind your own business." 50) "Your headphones aren't plugged in properly so I can hear everything you're listening to. I was going to tell you earlier but then you started watching the weirdest porn I've ever seen and I didn't want to embarrass you, but I'm about to leave so I figured I'd tell you before someone else sits around you." 51) "I don't know what they've told you but we don't need another member, go home." 52) "Hey, stop right there, you can't steal that! That's illegal!" 53) "Who's the nerd?" 54) "You look like the kind of person who wears days of the week underwear." 55) "So, how many pitchers of margaritas are you allowed to sell me?" 56) "My head fucking kills, I shouldn't have drank last night. Hey, wait, why do you and I have matching rings on our fingers?!" 57) "Congratulations, idiot! You just ruined a six month plan and now we have to start all over!" 58) "That is the ugliest shirt I've ever seen, where can I get one just like it?" 59) "I know you make straight A's, but I'm still not sure if you're really smart or dumb but really lucky. Because I've seen someone ask you what the square root of pi is and you answer with 'I don't know, I guess it depends on the flavor.'" 60) "Who the fuck let you in?" 61) "Hey, I'll give you twenty bucks if you take a photo with me to make my ex jealous." 62) "So, you eat ass or what?" 63) "You a cop?" "No." "Too bad, you would have looked good in a uniform." 64) "With a face like that I'll be whoever you want me to be." 65) "Hey, you have eyes, do you think this outfit makes me look fat? You can be honest, I can handle it." 66) "I'm just looking for a nice person to settle down with who'll fuck me hard and tell me they love me when they cum on my face, like, I feel like that's not too fucking much to ask for, you know? Anyway, I'll have a diet coke and the chicken salad, please." 67) "I swear to god, this is not what it looks like." 68) "First of all, don't you fucking come in here and try and start a fight with my best friend while you're looking straight goofy as hell in those fucking Walmart shorts and those thrift store crocs." 69) "HEY! YOU ACROSS THE STREET! YOUR DOG IS SO FUCKING CUTE AND I WOULD FUCKING DIE FOR THEM!" 70) "Anyone who says they don't like musicals is either lying to themselves, has never watched one, or is a heartless android sent by the government to blend into society and collect information about us." 71) "Asking someone out is easy, watch this. Hi, I think you're cute and if you're not seeing anyone do you want to go out sometime?" 72) "Hey, I saw you crying earlier when you stepped on a bug. Do you need me to, like, call someone for you?" 73) "I can't tell if you're really high and just hungry or if you're buying 28 family bags of shredded cheese at three am because you just love cheese. Either way you should probably also buy some laxatives or lactaid while you're already here." 74) "When I told you to make a power point about something you're passionate about for our first class meeting I didn't mean make a power point on 'How to Give Great Head' and I absolutely didn't tell you to include pictures." 75) "Are you wearing that tacky ass outfit because you genuinely like it or because you're a Leo and crave the attention?" 76) "Did you really just buy the last chocolate chocolate chip muffin? You are now dead to me." 77) "The fuck are you looking at loser?" 78) "Dude, books are just like subtitles without the movie." 79) "Hey, in your tinder bio is says your friends call you Badger Slammin' Sam and I literally only swiped right just to find out why." 80) "Are you hitting on me? Am I being punked? Are you a hooker? Did my dumbass friend put you up to this?" 81) "Hey, I need you to settle something for me and my friend. Which is the right way to pronounce carrot?" 82) "Do you believe in love at first sight, what about disgust at first glance?" 83) "Look, I'm not saying that MCR's last album changed my life, but I'm absolutely saying that." 84) "Can you move out of my way, I have to clean puke off the floor before I'm allowed to use my lunch break to cry in my car." 85) "Hi, I believe this very drunk person is your roommate, they told me this is the address. I caught them in my backyard playing with my dog again." 86) "I know you're probably not allowed to do this, but I kind of need to borrow an iguana." 87) "Hey, I saw you drop your sandwich in the parking lot earlier and start crying and I felt bad for not saying anything earlier, but I went to the sandwich shop and luckily the dude remembered your oddly specific order so I got you another one. I hope you get to feeling better." 88) "No, we don't sell 'that crazy kush' here, you can try Target." 89) "I was just calling because you sent me a picture text three weeks ago by accident with the caption 'When they let you deliver the digiorno after you clap them cheeks.' and I was just wondering if you could explain what that means because it's been keeping me up at night ever since you sent it." 90) "Hey, I just overheard you talking with your friends about how you put mustard, ketchup, and ranch on your macaroni and cheese and I just wanted to come over here and personally ask you which circle of hell you crawled up from." 91) "What the fuck is a diet water?" 92) "You guys here for the orgy?" 93) "Was that your scream? Why did it sound like a banshee?" 94) "I saw you pour two five hour energy shots into a cup of coffee earlier and then proceed to mix it with monster and red bull and like, dude I know this isn't really my place or whatever but I think you should probably go to the hospital. Like, I think you're gonna die." 95) "Your profile said you're a vegan but my profile says 'Only contact if you eat ass' and you contacted me, so what's the truth here?" 96) "Call me adorable one more time and I'll knock your teeth down your fucking throat." 97) "Move, I have to go fail my Stats test before I can go home and cry into a bag of hot cheetos while I rewatch The Office." 98) "I'm sorry, did you just order a fifty piece mcnugget for here, for yourself?" 99) "So, how do you feel about lizards?" 100) "Question, are you a top or a bottom, because you're giving off major power bottom energy but I'm not one hundred percent sure."

[princess-of-the-corner]

I had a follow up dream to that Marichat accidental pregnancy and also identity reveal dream I had a while back. Some highlights:

When Chloé and Alya are huddled around a tablet filling an online shopping cart for the nursery while Mari tries in vain to stop them, they ask "are you setting up the nursery at your place or Adrien's? Because that changes what we buy." 

Mari then has a small crisis because obviously she wants the nursery at her place because it's her baby and as the mother she'll have to be near it 24/7 pretty much, but her place doesn't really have the room for a nursery. Adrien's place has room, but not her.

Adrien's like "okay, shoot me down if this I'm going to fast..." and someone points out that they're already having a baby so nothing is "too fast".

His suggestion though is that by the time the baby is born, they'll have graduated and they'll be legal adults. So moving into their own place isn't that bad of a decision....". 

They consider it, but decide to put a pin in it for later.

someone in the class (probs Rose or Mylene) asks about Baby Names. 

Mari tries to quickly shut down that conversation, but Alya teases her about her old choices with the "three kids and a hamster!" Fantasy. 

Adrien laughs about it a little but finds it adorable. He also has no real objections to the name choices, but that's another "let's stick a pin in it for later" conversation.

Gabriel invites the Dupain-Chengs for dinner at the mansion to discuss the whole situation. 

A lot of the conversation is pretty normal stuff that’s already been discussed. Adrien and Mari are staying together as a couple and keeping the baby, and they’re working out details. 

That includes the idea of them living together in their own place. That throws the parents for a loop, but they do agree it might be a good idea. 

Adrien does discuss potential in paying for said apartment, as he’d like to actually work for it instead of just having Gabriel pay for it. Adrien is already paid for the modeling stuff, but does discuss with Gabriel that maybe he can do some other things either behind the camera or in the business part of the company. Gabriel is surprised but proud. 

Another thing discussed is Mari’s career and how exactly they’re going to deal with the PR stuff

Adrien and Marinette’s half-truth about why they kept the relationship secret(since they can’t mention Hero stuff) was saying that they wanted to let Marinette create her own career before announcing the relationship, as people would either accuse her of seducing Adrien for an in at Gabriel’s company, or accuse Gabriel of favoritism when he chooses her for good opportunities

Gabriel’s idea is to tell the truth on that, and also the truth of his ‘long term plan’. 

He admits that Marinette does have plenty of design talent, but not much business experience. He already approved her internship application, and had plans for offering her a full time job at the company after, and eventually a personal mentorship. With all that, by the time Gabriel is ready to retire, she’d have enough business skill to take over the company. 

Mari absolutely chokes on that news because what the FUCK. 

Gabriel also admits that part of the plan did involve encouraging the potential Adrienette relationship, as not only would they be a good match, but it also means that the company will stay in the family.

Basically, Gabriel says that his statement about the situation would be admitting to all of that, and miscalculating how well Marinette and Adrien would get on together. 

Again, Mari is low-key losing her shit at this. Eventually she just kinda puts her head down and is like ‘stress is bad for the baby’. Adrien asks if she means the actual baby or her, and she’s like ‘yes’. 

Once they calm her down they all kind of agree on that. 

There was also more on the Miraculous Team finding out. 

The meeting was held at Chloé’s place and LB and Chat decided on a full team reveal

They explain why first though. Basically that Ladybug is pregnant and can’t really fight. They’re doing the reveal so that they can properly stay in contact, especially since Tikki refuses to not be around Ladybug for the months this would take. 

Rena Rouge gets excited of the ‘omg! You’re pregnant, my bff is pregnant, do you think you two could do a joint babyshower?’. 

Chloé actually puts the dots together first, because that’s a staple of mine at this point, and is just like ‘you motherfuckers!!’

Everyone detransforms and Chloé gets a noise complaint from Alya fangirling over her bff having been Ladybug all this time.

Speaking of the Miraculous stuff, Gabriel is having a crisis of his own. 

He’s realizing how much Adrien has moved on since Emilie’s disappearance. This whole situation is a wakeup call in that regard. How stuck he is, how he should move on, and how the whole situation is helping him move on, despite how much he wants to cling to the past and the idea of bringing Emilie back.

He decides to give up.

Side note: Emilie was straight-up dead in this AU because a lot of this didn’t work if it was just ‘Magic Coma’. 

The Miraculous Team get an alert that Hawkmoth himself has shown up at the Eiffel Tower and go to face off. 

The team tries to get LB to maybe sit this one out because baby but she’s like ‘oh hell no’. 

They get there preparing for a fight, but Hawkmoth only wants to talk and negotiate his surrender. 

The Team is suspicious af, but hear him out. 

Hawkmoth explains how his motive was to bring his wife back to life, but that recently things have changed and he has realized that he needs to move on.

When pushed, he admits that the thing that ‘changed’ is that he’s going to be Grandpa and that’s exactly the kind of slap to the face that makes you realize things. 

Hawkmoth’s deal is that, no matter what, he’s going to stop. However, he will only hand over the Butterfly and Peacock Miraculous if the team promises to let him go and not tell his family about the whole situation. 

Chloé is again the one to put the pieces together and is just like ‘Okay, first of all, Gabriel, I’m going to kick your ass. Secondly, not telling Adrien is gonna be REAL DAMN HARD’.

Hawkmoth’s like ‘how the fuck did you figure it out that fast?’ 

Chloé just says that things lined up too well. ‘Hawkmoth’ appeared soon after Emilie’s disappearance/death, Gabriel was a suspect once already, the timing of Akumatizations suggested someone who set their own job schedule instead of having a usual 9-5 hours, the number of late night Akumas indicated either an insomniac or an artist type who would be up at that time(because artists have no sleep schedule), and the final nail is that Adrien and Mari just announced the pregnancy so....

Hawkmoth’s just like ‘okay, you’re especially banned from telling Adrien anything’. 

Chloé’s just like ‘I don’t have to...’

Chat’s just like ‘Uh... surprise?’. 

‘oh shit’ said the Hawkmoth. 

With identities revealed, they all decided to have this conversation somewhere more private. AKA the mansion. 

There’s definitely a lot of yelling. And also Nathalie gets dragged in because the dots are connected to her being Mayura. 

Adrien is also not holding back about anything because what the FUCK

Gabriel is also low-key mad at Adrien and Mari for having Ladybug go into what could’ve been a dangerous battle even though she’s pregnant. Adrien and the rest of the crew are like ‘look we tried to stop her but we can’t stop her from doing anything once she decides to do it!’. 

Again, there’s a lot of yelling and arguing back and forth about the whole scenario. 

But like, it’s one thing when Hawkmoth was a faceless entity who was ‘probably some asshole hellbent on world domination’, and an entirely different thing when you’re facing down someone you know who was fueled by grief and is trying to make things right now. 

The team eventually comes to a ‘okay, we’ll be quiet about the whole situation, but it’s gonna take a long ass while to rebuild trust here’ thing. 

Lila was also still trying to be a fuck because what else is new?

She’s frustrated af because nothing works. 

She tries to imply that Mari is only with Adrien for the connections, but the class shuts that down because they know how much Mari loves him. Lila can’t even try to trick Gabriel into believing that considering Mari and Adrien’s story for the secret dating. 

Lila then tries to say that Marinette is being ‘extra mean’ to her because of the combo between jealousy and pregnancy hormones, but the class is just like ‘bruh... maybe but also they’re legit together and you’re being a lil clingy so it might be slightly justifed so you should probably back off?’

Also, as soon as this starts, Alya and Nino make the connection of ‘Oh. Lila says she’s Ladybug’s bff. Marinette is Ladybug. Marinette hates Lila and says she’s a liar’. They totally apologize and try to figure out how to prove that Lila’s a liar. 

Tbh, since Hawkmoth is no longer a threat, identies don’t have to be kept secret anymore! So Mari could just go to the front of the class and be like ‘Spots On motherfuckers!’ and prove that Lila’s a fuck. 

THat was kinda the last thing I remember so yeah. Goodnight y’all. 

[savage-rhi]

I know your not a therapist but like... How do you get past losing a best friend? Like you two use to be close and now your nothing to them and your lonely... and it’s hurts allot....

Hoo-boy, this is never an easy subject no matter how old you are. 

First, thank you for acknowledging that I am not a therapist. While I am training to be a peer support specialist, it doesn’t mean I qualify as a therapist (I mean with the shit I’ve been through and what I know about the system, I should be without a master considering I have 2 bachelors and associates plus a shit ton of psych credits but I digress) but I’m gonna attempt to help you sort through the painful bullshit that is losing a friend. I may speak from personal experience, so I apologize in advance if this comes across as “me me me..”etc. 

The first step should be asking yourself this question: have you communicated properly with your friend to talk about your feelings and see if said person is okay? 

More often than not, we grow distant from friends not because we don’t value them, but because life has a way of throwing us into its stresses. It’s perfectly acceptable in my opinion to have a friendship where you’re not constantly talking to each other, but a check-in every now and again is nice. I have dear friends where we haven’t spoken in like years but then get back together when life isn’t kicking our asses the curb. That being said, every friendship is different. Sometimes people have more needs than others and that’s okay, but it’s important that you communicate this in a healthy way with your friend.

I feel like I went off on a tangent here, but yes, please, please, please before you move on and do any other action: TALK TO YOUR FRIEND. Communication is vital in any kind of relationship. Don’t beat around the bush either, get to your point and concerns so you both can work together to figure out what’s causing the rut. 

Now, if all is said and done and they tell you to kiss their ass, or pretty much give all the signals and cues that they’re done, this is hard but take these steps and tread lightly. Be kind to yourself when going through this. 

My first step would be to not force closure. It’s not healthy for you, and potentially not healthy for your ex-friend should they want distance and you want to try and salvage something. 

Second, tailor your social media or whatever else you have them on. Give them a light block or a full-on block. Whatever you do, commit to it. You’ll save yourself the trouble and won’t feel pressured to try and salvage the relationship. 

Third, if you have mutual friends this can be tricky but remain civil. Do not divulge in the reason why you and so and so don’t speak anymore. Just say you grew apart or there was some conflict, and leave it at that. Should you two bump into each other at friend gatherings or something, try to keep your composure. Focus on the friends you do have, or you can do what I do, and pretend ex-friend is an NPC character and you don’t feel like interacting with said person to move onto the next quest. I’ve done this to co-workers I couldn’t stand, and peers who drove me up a wall and it works wonders. But find something that works for you. 

Fourth, focus on something that is going to benefit you. If you and bestie were always there for each other 24/7 it can be difficult figuring out what to do with your time now that they are not at the center, but trying out new things and new experiences are essential in helping one deal with heartbreak be it from a friend or partner. Enjoy the little things, find your zen or whatever the fuck gives you that spark to keep staying curious. 

Fifth, get involved with community. Now, I am not saying go out there and get another BFF. I am saying that as social creatures, we need each other. Getting closure from other people can be a step towards healing and maybe forming future friendships. Find your niche, tribe, or pack of people and let them know you’re hurting and need help getting to your closure. 

Last, and to me, this is the most important step: What did you learn from this relationship? Do you tend to have a lot of friendships where this happens? Do you tend to choose a lot of friends like this person? etc. etc. etc. The silver lining to a friend breakup is addressing your own potential toxic behaviors if there are any. Of course, your friend may have been deeply problematic on their own, and you might have to realize a sometimes-harder truth: there was nothing you could’ve done to fix them or the relationship. It is what it is. But can you learn from it? Can you grow from it? Look for the patterns so that way you come out stronger. 

Speaking from personal experience, I went through many of these steps after I broke off with someone I considered family. My dad beat me up and I couldn’t drive to get help cause my body was fucked up and I called her repeatedly in the middle of the night to help me, but the following morning she blocked me from social media, phone, and wouldn’t even talk to me at college. When I addressed her a few days later, she flipped on me for not being considerate and how if I truly needed the help, I should have found a way to get to her. 

At that point, given the circumstances, I didn’t want to explain myself given how dire the situation was. Since she already took the steps to block me, I kept my distance, re-evaluated our mutual friends and how to navigate through that, focused on my classes at the time, and tried to get involved with other people. It wasn’t easy, but since she took drastic actions right off the bat, I knew this was a relationship I didn’t want to put more energy into and if I continued to feed it, who knows how toxic it could have become. 

I see where I was at fault for my end of things as well as hers, but I did grow from it. There were many lessons learned after that friendship ended that I otherwise wouldn’t know. 

My point of all this is that you will heal. Like mourning a death, it takes time and self-compassion. You need to be there for you and try not to force things back into place. What’s done is done. Maybe you guys can come back later and try to reconnect, but if it doesn’t happen, that doesn’t diminish your worth as a person or a friend to others. You’ll find your people and you’ll have new experiences. It’s okay to mourn, it’s okay to be angry and frustrated at what happened, but give it time and move on to the next best thing. 

Honey, you got this. Aunt Jay may not know a lot of shit, but I know you’ll find your way. This is the part where I’d smack you hard on the shoulder and rile you up after a tough dad talk but I can’t do that lol. But what I can say is that you’re loved. You are worthy and you’re gonna be alright. Like I say often, get to the good. 

[yfere]

Bowlgate and Beyond! The Empire Kids Learn How To People.

So who wants an opinion on Bowlgate and Yussa’s Tower, forever after the fact??????? Ahahahha!!!! For once, though, I actually did a bit of research into what other people have been saying about these things, so I at least have some idea of the general discussion, though it’s admittedly not the most comprehensive idea. #INeverSayAnythingNew #PleaseForgiveMe #I’mJustHavingAGoodTime. Anyway, this is a two-part series of mine.

Thesis: Caleb and Beau were understandably terrible at communicating, and communicating with each other specifically at Bowlgate. Yet they are progressively getting much better (I would say pretty damn good!) at handling people in general and each other, even as they continue to have arguments.

Part 1: Wherein Caleb Learns Most People Aren’t Mind Readers

Caleb was just not cut out for cooperative group work—at least, not at the start of the story. At the Labenda Swamp, Nott gives him a magic bowl, and he discovers this is a super dangerous artifact that can be used to commune with Tiamat, an Evil Calamity God. The one person who is personally interested in this item is someone he met only hours before, with some sob story about being part of a Tiamat Cult (alarms ringing!) and wanting to find artifacts like this to “destroy them.” Caleb is suspicious, he’s cautious—justifiably so, in his opinion. He feels it’s anyone’s responsibility as someone who doesn’t want to be Evil to make absolutely, unquestionably sure that by helping this person they are not aiding and abetting the promotion of Tiamat’s influence in the world. He concludes that the only way to be sure this person is telling the truth about their intentions is to use Jester’s Zone of Truth to confirm. (If only he still had Suggestion, his favorite spell for these situations!) If they can get Caliana to camp with them, perhaps he can discuss it all with the group privately…..except, Caliana is dead-set on leaving right that second, and won’t stay to camp. So Caleb is left with two choices:

1) Say nothing, and keep the bowl. Nott would never tell the others if he asked her not to, if he really thought keeping it was best. Problem is, then they would have to figure out how to destroy the item themselves, and they’d be endangering the group since the cult is out looking for it. That’s not fair, Caleb’s already been reprimanded for withholding items before, and besides, Caliana could really be telling the truth, could really be the person best suited for destroying these items. Option #1 just won’t work, which in his mind leaves him with

2) Deal with the trust problem right then and there.

Knowing that Caliana is gifted with magic and that he himself is delicate, Caleb thinks, I believe, well, she could turn on us and attack me and leave with the bowl once she sees it and if she doesn’t want to submit to questioning. He decides the only reasonable thing to do is to put a barrier between her and the bowl without her knowing that’s exactly what he’s doing. It’s the same kind of reasoning that eventually leads to Caleb’s Wall of Fire in Darktow. ((funny that hoarding other people’s stuff is his defining trait. saving the world one stolen item at a time, lmao))

So, with the group safely(ish) walling Caliana from the bowl, he reveals it! And the group loudly tells Caliana about it! And he says, basically, I don’t trust you with a powerful item, and you should let us hold you hostage for an evening and let Jester cast magic on you so that your trustworthiness can be confirmed.

To which the party goes, what the fuck, Caleb?!

What the fuck are you saying, without consulting anyone on the matter?! That’s not teamwork???!!?!? Who do you think you are????!?!?!!!

Proper procedure for Caleb would have been to say, one, I don’t want to keep this bowl. This is what the bowl is, this is what worries me about it, this is what worries me about Caliana, and this is what I think we should do—what do you think? Explain reasoning, ask for feedback, collaborate. But Caleb skips through all these steps and goes straight to executing his preferred mode of action, without properly checking in with anyone. He only even begins to explain what the fuck the bowl is (other than “powerful”—vague much?) after Beau takes it away from him and everyone’s hackles are already raised over his behavior. 

So of course it feels manipulative, of course it’s pressuring the group—those are the literal effects of his actions, but I think it’s important to distinguish between Caleb actually trying and intending to manipulate people (Fjord in the Diver’s Grave), and Caleb putting unfair pressure on people as an unintended consequence to an unfortunate assumption of his: that because a course of action seems right to him, that it is self evident—everyone must be thinking the same thing as him, it’s super obvious this is Right, why would anyone ever disagree? “Why would you not want to wait twelve hours to see if this woman’s intentions are true or not?!” he asks, in complete bewilderment. Caleb is genuinely incredulous and surprised when the group starts arguing with him, when Jester suggests that maybe they should let Caliana talk to Tiamat if she wants, when Beau and Molly suggest that it’s really none of their business to interfere with Caliana whether her intentions are true or not—if she does bad shit, why should they take the responsibility to stop her? Will it really affect them? Caleb doesn’t consider at the time that his actions might be controlling and pushed back against because he assumes that the group will all absolutely be in his corner in this thing and that he is acting on their collective interests and desires. What he neglects to do is find out whether he actually knows what their interests and desires are, if they actually agree with him. (((There’s also, of course, Caleb doing Typical Gifted Kid Bullshit #150, thinking “oh, but I’ve thought of everything, this has to be the right and only solution to the problem!” No, you haven’t thought of everything Caleb, STFU. Molly and Yasha both bring up solutions to Caleb’s dilemma that Caleb didn’t think of himself—I can cast Friends, Molly said. I can use my sword and try to break it, Yasha said. These are both things Caleb might have come to know if he cared to, say, consult the group before going off at Caliana with his Plan.)))

But why is Caleb so confused at the negative reaction, so thrown for a loop by disagreement? This fascinates me. At this point, you see, Caleb is……not used to being around people with different opinions than him. I mean, conjecturing from his backstory of Mega Propaganda Brainwashing and Conformity, not to mention the Only Child business—it’s quite likely he’s never (or not in a long time) in fact had to deal with a serious difference in opinion before—certainly not one among peers, where authority and power structures aren’t at play. He also definitely hasn’t spent much time around people from different walks of life, who would have different values and life experiences and worldviews from him. He’s always been fairly isolated, 24/7 around people who were trained to think and make decisions in exactly the same way he did, with everyone else being Wrong and an Enemy. Where there was a premium on Obedience—child to parent, student to teacher, patient to doctor. More recently he’s been around Nott, who at this point in the story is also just agreeing with everything he says and not really challenging that assumption. Arguing over gloves and scrolls and bowls—that’s probably new stuff to him. He’s finding out in an ugly way that he can’t project what others are thinking, people don’t think exactly the same way he does, and he doesn’t know how to collaborate in decision making the way he obviously needs to to survive in the group. He doesn’t know how to handle disagreement in any other way than caving in and Following Orders and Keeping the Peace, and he definitely doesn’t know how to handle a disagreement when caving in is no longer a useful strategy, when the cost of caving is, to him, unacceptable.

“You’re a shitty communicator” is actually some of the most useful feedback he could have possibly gotten out of the situation. What is most important for Caleb to learn to do at this point is learn to explain his thinking in detail before he acts in ways that will affect the others, to stop assuming everyone will think in exactly the same way he does, to present his opinion as an opinion rather than The Undisputable Obvious Truth. He needs to learn how to advocate for a course of action and genuinely brainstorm on issues (he has good ideas, but he doesn’t know everything!) instead of either Winning the Argument or Obeying Others. What’s great to see is that Caleb is getting better at all of these things. Compare what he’s doing with the bowl with his planning strategies post-Felderwin. At this point, Caleb has become fairly comfortable in his preferred role as an advisor and source of information. He doesn’t plainly defer to the group without contributing, and he’s careful now about prefacing his opinions with his concerns and reasoning, with saying “I think this because X,” and then asking for others’ opinions. To paraphrase the moorbounder suggestion, he says, “My concern is, and this is not a dealbreaker, but what if we learn Yeza is on the chopping block, and we don’t have enough time to get to him?” which does three things: 1) presents his opinion as an opinion, 2) explains the reason why he thinks it’s a good idea to get the moorbounders and he’s concerned about the “working for the Krynn” idea without assuming everyone already thought of this and his conclusions are obvious, and 3) asks a question that solicits the opinions of the rest of the group. Nice growth, Caleb! When you do this people can actually work together and address your concerns! Caduceus floats letting the city government know what they want ahead of time, they discuss whether the government would have access to teleportation or sending spells, they talk about how much danger Yeza is probably in and how they can determine whether the government can be relied on to follow through on a favor, how they could safely frame their favor. They agree at the very least to prepare to book it on the moorbounders as Plan B—if the job is too long or Yeza gets in trouble or the favor can’t be relied on, they leave. That’s collaboration at work!

Even when the disagreements are personal, Caleb does a much better job at explaining himself and debriefing, though he isn’t perfect. Post-Yussa’s tower, he does a fairly good job explaining why he refused to do what Beau asked of him in the moment. He also does a fairly good job explaining why he wasn’t exactly giddy to go there, though he doesn’t directly address Beau’s line of questioning (she wants to know what about Yussa makes Caleb think he’s tied to Trent specifically—since she thinks that would justify his fear). Instead, he tries to justify his Absolute Caution With Powerful Mages Philosophy by painting a frightening, gory picture that offends Beau and pokes at her own insecurities—does he not believe in her friendship? And Caleb tries to acknowledge that he as Beau are talking at cross purposes and explain himself more but eventually becomes so frustrated and overwhelmed with the misunderstanding that he begins snapping and storms off to scream at a tree. More useful things to do would have been to ask for a break, or to ask Beau to explain what exactly she was feeling so he could address what was bothering her about what he said instead of trying to brute force get his point across through arguing and fright. The point is though, that he’s trying, when he wasn’t before. He’s getting better, their relationship is getting better, and honestly it’s pretty wonderful to watch.

Next is Part 2: Wherein Beau Learns Assumptions are for Chumps

[gg-astrology]

Hi! ✨ i really love your blog and i was wondering if you could do a Pisces sun virgo moon opinion. Thank you so much! I hope you have a lovely day!!!!💕💕

Hey there!! 💕💕💕💕 Aaah I’ll do my best ok!! 💕💕 And thank you for the wishes skdjfnskjn I got home safe and that’s what matters! 💕

[Below Cut: Pisces Sun - Virgo Moon 🌼]

Genius?? I love them?? 

Nifty and crafty people, when I call them crafty I mean it as Pisces/Virgo find ways to do things in their own particular style-- and it’s often very ‘them’ without them noticing (but other people do)

It’s a good blend of ‘ok these are the rules/system’ and then figuring out how they can work through that, their self-expression usually comes through unexpectedly-- touching/coloring the things that they do with their own colours (‘oh i didn’t expect that’) --making the mundane stand out, even though they didn’t intend it to be

Unintentionally self-expressive?? I don’t think they realize how much people appreciate them for their own uniqueness. In fact Pisces/Virgos are often so unassuming/unaware that they’re ‘different’ because they somewhat tries to be a wall-flower (’just part of the crew’) that getting noticed/being seen makes them somewhat flustered/embarrassed easily

Unpretentiously humble and maybe a lil awkward when they’re flustered, although they like being gently appreciated. Strong/bold proclamations of their authenticity makes this mutable/mutable combination startle easily and skimmer away

Subvert and usually gentle-- but not like, intentionally doing so. Pisces/Virgos are more pragmatic, combining elements of creative/imaginative intuition with ‘ok so lets do this’ -- they’re the type to familiarize themselves with the formula/foundation, and then work their way up through that (systems helps them work better)

Although these people can be focused (and sometimes tunnel vision sometimes) they often get startled by loud noises or people who are just-- bold and loud and demands attention. Unintentionally, it makes their sun/moon kinda nervous/anxious to be around them. Most likely because Pisces/Virgo prefers more co-ordinated, equal and co-operative playing grounds and they don’t know how to deal with these ‘boldness’ immediately

Pisces/Virgo blends gentle understanding (compassion/emotions) with astute-ness, careful fingers/thoughts with precision/accuracy. 

They don’t want to be too harsh, because it can often hurt others and therefore-- not get anything done (detrimental to the job, which is part of their concern). 

And they don’t want to be too gentle/vague-- because that would compromise the overall productivity and ‘goal’ of the project y know?

These people are practical minded, there’s always an idea of ‘is this going towards the end goal? is it constructive to them/us/everyone? is it going to help each other/them/me?’ whenever they open their mouth about something. This is the Virgo Moon sensibilities, but it’s also combined with a lil bit of the Pisces’s emotional concern: ‘is it hurtful? is this too harsh? am i hurting anyone’s feelings? is that necessary?’

Most of the time, intuitive hunches of ‘nah its not going to hurt them’ take precedence. Mutables Pisces/Virgo tends to take more risks, they often voice their opinion/concerns out and then take the response from the other person as a point to shift/adapt/change their attitude according to how others take it

For example like, if they say something and the other gets upset. They quickly remedy the situation (flexibility/adaptability) because they’re waaay better at ‘resolving conflict’ than second-guessing if they should voice their concerns out in the first place y know?

Virgo Moon doesn’t stand for that, there’s too much ‘what if’ regrets if they never spoke up for what they deducted to be ‘helpful’ to others. If it’s something their opinion/voicing out could’ve prevented (they have foreseen) then Pisces/Virgo isn’t the type to let it fly by without moving/grabbing the chance to bring it up before ‘downfall’ happens

(I think they know but they have...really incredible intuition and astuteness to their perception, so they use this to their advantage. Even if sometimes it’s hard to explain for others to grasp/get because it’s not ALL logical.... Pisces is intuitive and Virgo is practical, so sometimes-- explaining things to other that’s a mixture of both is hard for them to express properly)

You can kinda say it makes them reckless/tackless--- as risk takers, they’re the type to go ‘just say what you wanna say’ to themselves to stop their second-guessing and just ‘go for it’

They believe so much in their ability to ‘resolve’ shit if the situation escalates, that they tend to be careless with speaking their minds with others.

Ah they’re careful with their thinking, but not careful with their words/what they say to others. Pisces/Virgo tends to put self-expression first because they are driven that ‘go for it or you’ll regret it’ attitude sometimes---of not making taking the chance/changes they could make if they don’t ‘grasps’ the opportunity. 

Thus why you’ll find these ‘wall-flower’ type of people standing out when they’re standing up for others. When the self-expression and pragmatism-- their ‘i don’t hold myself back’ attitude is aligned to the motive of helping others (social collective/those less fortunate than them -- altruistic Pisces/Virgo)  

Their earth moon really holds its ground (and grudge) when it comes to people, things, subjects they care about. They can be stubbornly merciless, grilling someone until they crack because these opposition signs tends to ‘not stop until they get the answer they want’ (which is, y know, your defeat and their victory)

Pisces/Virgo can be a lil bit of a purist, although they don’t ‘judge’ people (keep an open mind or say ‘im trying to be open-minded’ with others--observers) they may often want to sound out the other person’s moral integrity and is critical of other’s ‘honorable’ core or not (kinda test them?? somewhat.) 

Watch that you don’t hold yourself up to be martyr because you do judge people based on their ethics, Pisces/Virgo themselves knows they’re not innocent pure beings 24/7 and are still human. Pisces/Virgo has a high standard for people that they themselves doesn’t abide by (and isn’t consistent in doing/being) -- so sometimes, it’s catching yourself when you think someone has flaws that you don’t think yourself as superior to them and start nagging them-- because you often can’t hold your own tongue

Basically--- learn how to get off your high horse even if you don’t think you are. Pisces/Virgo has a habit of victimizing themselves or stubbornly clinging onto their lack of self-awareness (of their behaviour/habit that they do this) and can go ‘i wasn’t doing that!’ when they do, and were doing it (and other people feel bad about it)

You do make people feel inferior because of your attitude/superiority behaviour, even if it wasn’t intended to be like that. Just make sure to check yourself sometimes.  And try to care more about people’s emotions than the practicality/end goal of things. Sometimes your ‘ok well we gotta stick to this stuff’ is what gets you in the most hot-water

I hope this is good and helpful!! 💓💓💓💓 Good luck with everything!! 💓💓

[justiceforvictimsoffocus-blog]

Review of Focus Treatment Centers of Chattanooga, TN

My Google review was too long, so here is the whole post: (Yes, this was important enough to me to start a whole tumblr page just to raise awareness. It took me over a whole day to figure out how too make this work. Also, it helps bring me peace for such a horrible/traumatic experience. Also, please excuse any typos or weird wording. Tumblr did not copy and paste accurately for some reason. Not even close. So I literally had to word for word compare this post to the word document where it was saved and fix all the weird stuff it did)

(This is part 1 of 3 of my review) If I could give this place 0 stars I would. I have been to multiple detox and mental health facilities and this was the ABSOLUTE worst experience I've ever had. This place is TOXIC and should be shut down. My 7 th point is the most significant, FYI, if you decide to skip the rest.

Ok, so maybe if you have "stereotypical" body image issues with anorexia, bulimia, or binge eating disorders and do not know what's causing them, maybe Focus can be helpful. BUT what a lot of these sick people have yet to realize apparently, is that there are MANY forms of eating disorder that don't include those three disorders. (Specific example: My friend's 4-year old son has what doctors have called an eating disorder, because he has a hard time eating certain textures, etc. He's not over eating and he's certainly not undereating because he’s concerned about his physical appearance. He is in therapy for it. ALL eating disorders deserve help.)

I digress.

1.) I went to the facility to seek treatment for alcoholism and eating disorders. It took me three tries to get into this facility because they kept rejecting me on the basis that my BAC was too high. Ya think? I know I needed help and I was more than coherent so it's not like I was passed out drunk or something. By my 3rd attempt I could not even sign the documents because I was shaking/withdrawing so much as a result of getting my BAC low enough so quickly for acceptance.

2.) They consistently left me in the dark. They did not give me or my husband any information about the program, aside from financials (money hungry much?). They did not give me a tour of the facility. They did not explain how anything worked or where anything was. I didn’t even know where I could have gotten more water to drink. Yes, I could have asked, but I was shaking and so sick because I was also detoxing that I thought I might have been seizures, because they gave me basically nothing that helped me with my withdrawals. I was suffering so much and they blamed it on me for not eating. Well, no shit. I was having severe alcohol withdrawals and loss of appetite is a common symptom. Not to mention the food that they offered wasn’t appetizing at all. I already have difficulty eating, hence the reason I was in the eating disorder department in the first place. Not because I'm afraid of getting fat. I'm happy with my weight and trying to gain more weight actually. Their solution was to give me Gatorade.

I have a history of alcoholism and have never experienced any withdrawals like this in my life. (and I drank much more heavily for much longer the other time I went to detox) They gave me medication that seemingly had no effect on me. I explained the medicine did not really do much, but all they did was up the dosage which still didn’t do much. In comparison, the last facility I went to years ago gave me a medication that actually worked for me. I never felt sick the whole time I was there after that first dose. (I also wasn’t overly medicated and they lowered my dosage each day, not increased it) I have also weaned/detoxed myself off the alcohol with no drugs and still never experienced any withdrawals like what happened at Focus. (Part 1/3)

(This is part 2 of 3 of my review) 3.) They absolutely refused to speak to my husband on the phone. Maybe for some that’s the best approach, but my husband is my rock, my foundation, my everything and we have never spent a day in 12 years where we have not at least spoken on the phone and 99% (98.8% I literally did the math) of those days we are together physically. I told them I wouldn’t be able to make it if they didn’t let me speak to him. I told many people who adamantly refused, which is ridiculous, because I was going through the most difficult sickness of my life and I just wanted to hear his voice. Just for a minute, so I could find the strength to keep going. I made it very clear how important this was to me. My husband had even spoken with the facility and explained that he was afraid I’d suffer separation anxiety and wouldn’t be able to make it without his support and asked if an exception could be made to best provide for my mental health. They wouldn’t allow it and couldn’t accept that there was not "one right way" for everyone. 

This facility needs to be more accommodating to the exact needs of specific individuals. DO NOT LET THEM MAKE YOU BELIEVE THAT THEY KNOW YOU BETTER THAN YOU KNOW YOURSELF. And as I mentioned before about being left in the dark, there was an EDA (eating disorder anonymous) meeting THAT evening which my husband could have attended. If I could have just waited a few more hours I could have seen him. But NO ONE told me about this. They told him, but of course he had no way of telling me directly and asked them to tell me to give me hope, but of course they neglected to do that.

4.) They could never give me clear answers on when I would get to see the doctor, therapist, or nutritionist. It was always just "well, you'll get to see them soon". It was so much uncertainty which is so difficult when I was in such a fragile state. As a side note, they told my husband I’d see the therapist the same day I checked in, but I only got to see her the next day AFTER I declared I needed to leave because the place was just too toxic for me.

5.) They wouldn’t let me brush my teeth. The nurse said it might make me vomit. Um ... I guess I don’t know about the average person, but having a clean mouth is going to make ME considerably less nauseated, so I had to sneak away to go brush my teeth. Something so simple and also important because I have a history of teeth issues. 6.) They go through your suitcase when you get there, which is understandable, but they took things out without telling me they took anything out at all. One of the things they took out was something called a Plexis Wheel. It's similar to a foam roller, just google it if you don’t know what it is. It helps pop, massage, and straighten out your back. First of all, why the fuck was I not allowed to have that? It's not dangerous in any way and I NEED it. I have chronic back pain from fractures I received a few years ago. Like 24/7 pain. They also took my yoga mat, because you know, that's dangerous. That's what I would have used to use the plexis wheel on, so I was in a panic when I realized I could not find them in my suitcase. I have so much pain and anything natural I can do to help with my pain I do it. (I don’t take any drugs or anything for it) A nurse also took away my fitbit off my wrist, because it "counts steps", which she assumed meant I was going to use it to lose weight, I guess. I was almost in tears, because I NEED know the time and date to stay in touch with reality, having this information keeps me sane. I don’t even pay attention to the number of steps most of the time. That was the worst nurse I had. She was such a pushy bitch. I wish I remembered her name. (Part 2/3)

(This is part 3 of 3 my review)  This brings me to my last and most significant point. At one point during my stay I was asked: "Have you done any of the following things recently?":

· Had suicidal thoughts

· Had homicidal thoughts

· Binging

· Purging

· Restricting

· Exercising

So of course, I said "only exercising". She asked if I had exercised since I'd been there. Obviously not - I was lying in bed shaking and dying. I could barely walk much less do any kind of exercise. I exercise, because 1.) my stretches, yoga, and exercise are the most significant things I can do to fight my chronic back pain. When I tried to explain this, they basically rolled their eyes and asked me sarcastically how working out/exercising could possibly help my back pain. I explained that it strengthens muscles, improves posture, etc. It was literally suggested to me by my orthopedic doctor as the only thing that can be done to help my condition. In addition, building muscle helps gain weight and increases your appetite, (which I'd been telling them the whole time that I’ve trying to do, not lose weight, but again they didn’t believe me, because of stereotypes. I even have to wear my wedding ring on a necklace, because it won’t even fit my finger anymore because I’ve successfully gained weight.) The nurse gave me a look like "ok, yeah, whatever". They just could not comprehend how working out could help my pain and the fact that I was actively trying to gain weight. 2.) Exercise is good for you emotionally, as everyone knows it raises endorphins. And 3.) I HAVE OSTEOPOROSIS. Google anything about it and it will tell you that the most important thing you can do to strengthen bones is to do heavy weightlifting. Who normally has osteoporosis at 28? PEOPLE WITH EATING DISORDERS. A facility that deals with people with eating disorders should know the benefits of this. I can’t explain my eating disorders (besides the fact that my mouth gets really dry and my teeth hurt and if I don’t like the food enough, then I don’t salivate enough, which become painful and therefore causes stomach problems from not chewing it properly) and I would have liked to have gotten help in figuring out ways to combat it, but obviously they are not educated enough for my complex situation.

Needless to say, I had to check out after about 24 hours. This was one of the worst experiences of my life. And the fact that they left me sick even though I told them the medicine wasn’t working (and certainly not the Gatorade). However, as sick as they said I’d be if I left after just one day of detox, and as many times as they told me that once my meds wore off I was going to be really sick again and that I might have seizures and/or die - That same evening I was home and sober with my husband (who got me food I could actually eat) and my kitties and plexis wheel and I felt great. I just think the stress the nurses were causing me was just exasperating my withdrawal symptoms and lowering my appetite. Again, that place was just extremely toxic for me and I'm SO glad I left when I did and will certainly never be back. I suggest you take all of this into consideration before admitting yourself because this is a neglectful facility that honestly could have been sued for malpractice, because I could have died. (I didn’t eat anything the whole time I was there, which was very dangerous in my given situation)

Whoever from the facility/company is reading this, one size does not fit all. I was SO optimistic that your program would have been able to help me, and I'm very disappointed and discouraged that it ended so poorly. It's facilities like yours that give mental health care to bad reputation, which in turn discourages people from getting the help they really need. (3/3)

I have been to hell and back just trying to post this review using 3 different emails address, 3 different browsers, 5 different devices, multiple IP addresses (with no success) and hours and hours of my time. I have never put this much effort into posting something online. I say all of this to say, this has not been a quick endeavor, but again this experience was so significant to me that it was THAT important to me to make others aware and also for my own mental peace. Thanks for reading.

[ua-monoma]

monoma 1:55 AM

@ua-iida  hi.

iida 1:55 AM

Hello.

monoma 1:57 AM

.. how are you

iida 1:58 AM

I'm alright. How about you? How are you feeling right now?

monoma 2:01 AM

pissed off tbh

not at you though

just the... mystery stuff again.

not just that but also everyone else that seems to be jumping on it... I don't know how much you've been following

You're not in the chat a lot anymore.

iida 2:03 AM

I try to stay away from Mystery as much as possible. For my own good.

The chat got too hectic for me to handle. I think the teachers do a better job than I do, anyway...

Plus it isn't exactly welcoming...

monoma 2:03 AM

It's not. It's literally just fighting all the time.

Plus it's bugged anyway.

But it has its uses...

iida 2:04 AM

Bugged?

monoma 2:05 AM

There's "a wolf among us"

Like a traitor, or probably just someone who hacked in and is looking

idk

Kendou 2:06 AM

(from Monoma's phone) Oh c dzfy tgc I am not sure hgfdsxb l of the fffffffffffffffffffffffff shhh y

2

2

iida 2:06 AM

....

monoma 2:06 AM

DAMN IT

SORRY

That was Kendou

She's a baby right now.

A baby that's about to get locked in a closet--

iida 2:07 AM

Oh--Did she get hit by the same quirk you were hit with as well?

monoma2:08 AM

I think so. Can't remember anything, she's the same age too.

Lot to handle... kind of fun though.

Anyway,,

... idk. A lot has been happening and I feel like I haven't gotten the chance to see you and

I miss you... 

I kind of just felt like saying that

iida 2:10 AM

I miss you as well.

I've been lonely.

monoma 2:10 AM

... I'm sorry

If I'd known that, I would've been there..

I mean, I still can be, obviously...

... After Kendou is back to normal

iida 2:12 AM

Focus on taking care of Kendou-san first. Take a lot of pictures while you can.

...Like I did.

monoma 2:13 AM

[Sends a selfie of himself and Kendou. They're forming a heart together with their joined hands.]

I am.

You never showed me all of the pictures. >:(

iida 2:14 AM

That is absolutely adorable.

monoma 2:15 AM

Ehehehe

iida  2:15 AM

I'd like to keep those pictures for myself!!

monoma 2:15 AM

Wh-WHY

I mean, that's fine...pff

I miss you a lot

iida 2:16 AM

Hopefully when things settle down, we can talk properly.

monoma 2:18 AM

Talk properly or... "talk properly."

That thing we keep not doing.

I'm starting to get afraid we're never gonna get a chance to do that, haha..

iida 2:21 AM

....

monoma 2:21 AM

...sorry

iida 2:21 AM

Well. If even if we don't talk, I suppose that is alright. 

There is no immediate need for any clarity anyway.

monoma 2:23 AM

I guess

can i say something

actually two somethings

iida 2:24 AM

Sure.

monoma 2:25 AM

I love you

a lot

and I hate the messages I'm getting... and you're getting

because I looked at them a lil a few minutes ago

and, y'know, I have... bad experience with, uh, messages...and it fucking sucks seeing all these strangers just kind of

ugh

likethe whole obsessing thing and acting like they love you when they don't

iida 2:28 AM

... It is a bit disturbing.

But you do know you are the only one I have my eyes on, right?

monoma 2:32 AM

Yeah...

...

I wasn't worried about that

idk

I do love you and

I know I've been saying this already but

I do wanna get better in showing that

and prove all them wrong... because they are wrong

and it's not like I think you believe them or anything, it just got to me. Because they don't know anything but they act like they do and

I'm rambling idk if any of this makes sense

iida 2:34 AM

It does make sense.

monoma 2:34 AM

I love you

iida 2:35 AM

...It's not necessary to explain yourself to me... 

Actions do speak louder than words do, after all.

monoma 2:36 AM

Yeah and I act shitty. Which is why I wanna say it...

iida 2:37 AM

Hmm.

monoma 2:37 AM

...

... I know you believe me. Or I hope so. I guess I'm just afraid of the day you decide you don't anymore

iida 2:38 AM

If the day ever comes, I know you will be alright.

You are very loved, after all.

As you should be.

monoma 2:38 AM

I wouldnt be

iida 2:41 AM

If I may be honest, this road that is laden with uncertainties does not excite me at all. Perhaps this may all be for nothing. Or it could end in both of us going down in flames. No matter how it ends, though, you will always hold a special place in my heart. At the very least, that cannot be taken away from me.

monoma 2:41 AM

... mine too

... that was gonna be the second something

except now i dont wanna say it lol

iida 2:43 AM

I hope you come to understand yourself and your emotions and be happy someday, Monoma-kun. Even if it isn't with me.

monoma 2:45 AM

I don't want to be happy without you

iida 2:47 AM

You may have to learn to do so.

monoma 2:50 AM

I don't want to though.

iida 2:52 AM

You may fall in love with someone else. Someone better. And you will be able to be happy without me. I do not think you needed me to be happy in the first place-- you are whole with or without me by your side.

I want you to remember that.

monoma 2:59 AM

... okay

iida  3:01 AM

Alright.

monoma 3:03 AM

... can i say my second something now

or should i just drop it

iida 3:10 AM

Just say it. If it's that important.

monoma 3:16 AM

[Sends a picture of a sleeping Kendou tucked into her bed.]

I got her to sleep

... Anyway

...

Okay. I'm really, really sorry that it's... been so hard with me. And I'm really trying. I try harder every day and it's really hard

And it.

...I'm really grateful that you're patient with me but

idk I wish you'd lose your patience with me more

or idk,

you tell me stuff is okay and then I believe you and then shit builds up and I can sense that but then you keep saying it's okay and then I fuck up and that's when you tell me anything

but anything between and I don't really know how you're feeling as much and idk, I feel like you're always taking care of me and I'm always trying to take care of myself but I don't get to try and take care of you

And idk if its because you feel like I don't have the right to or if you feel like I honestly cant or

or if it's because I make it too hard to

... idk what I'm saying really. I think I just feel like a burden on you constantly and there's nothing I can do about it

and I want to help you but maybe I just keep trying to look for ways to help you that aren't the ones you asked for

Ugh

I'm sorry

I want to be honest with you

iida  3:52 AM

Monoma-kun, the reason why I try to be as understanding as I can is because I feel like you need that support. People cannot always be at their best and that is alright. I don't expect you to help me in return nor do I think you are obligated to. I help you because I want to. I just need to understand the reasons behind some of your actions. I am alright enough to deal with my own emotions. And while I am still alright, I'd like to help you take steps to being alright, too.

But I cannot do that if you don't communicate with me.

monoma 4:27 AM

... okay

iida 4:39 AM

If there is something you want, I need you to tell me. 

What do you want me to do? What do you want us to be? 

Because I have been trying to read between these lines you draw but I cannot understand.

monoma 5:40 AM

... Can you list what you don't understand maybe

It'll help

sorry

I wanna answer these questions now but also idk

iida  6:03 AM

... Well.

I don't understand what you want us to be.

We have mutual feelings for each other-- we've established that. But then you go off and kiss one of my best friends before talking to me about anything.

You don't owe me an explanation, we aren't in a relationship, but, it does.. hurt. It confuses me still. And if there weren't other pressing matters I would still be upset.

monoma 6:10 AM

...

it's not like I planned that... He was the one that kissed me first and...

I mean, I assumed he would've told you this by now

And I know it's still largely my fault and I'm sorry about that but like

...idk

I get... swept up... I don't think about it

when it's happening, anyway

And I don't feel anything about it, I mean. I don't feel... anything for Midoriya

Kind of the point sometimes is just not feeling anything at all tbh

I do want... us.  though.... 

(I'd feel weird actually talking about us through text though..)

iida 6:40 AM

Do you want "us" because you legitimately do, or because you are lonely?

Sorry, that is a bit too heavy to ask over text.

I am just.

Wondering.

And I am never brave enough to ask you face to face anyway.

monoma 6:41 AM

Oh

Legitimately.

I never really got lonely until after we started spending time together

iida 6:45 AM

Ah.

Alright.

There's still a few things I don't understand, but, I think this is a conversation we should have in person.

Hopefully with no distractions.

monoma 6:47 AM

... Hopefully

iida  6:47 AM

It's very late.. We should get rest.

monoma  6:47 AM

Yeah

This was good I think...haha

iida 6:50 AM

It was.

monoma 6:59 AM

Goodnight then.

iida 7:00 AM

Good night, Monoma-kun. Sleep well.

monoma 7:12 AM

You too

[donttouchthegun]

It’s Okay, And I Love You.

Hi everybody!!

So, I know it’s been awhile since I actually posted anything but I just wanted to say I hope everyone had a great holiday season! And, if not? I’m so sorry.

If you didn’t have a nice break with family and friends, if you didn’t get any presents because you can’t afford them, if your biggest worry this season was whether or not you’d get to eat sometime soon and you’re still just struggling to get by? I completely understand, and it’s okay. I still love you for it.

If you went back to self harm? It’s okay, and I love you. If you made yourself sick after eating because you couldn’t stand the thought of keeping it down? It’s okay, and I love you. If you downed more pills than you should have? It’s okay, and I love you. If you’re feeling ashamed or guilty because you feel such hatred towards your family, and you feel like you can’t feel that way? It’s okay, and I love you. If you’re overweight and you have been binge eating all through the holiday and you feel disgusting and guilty for even thinking of touching food? It’s okay, and I love you. You are not worthless, you are not a disgrace, you are not unworthy of love. You do not deserve the pain you feel. You do not deserve to be treated like shit for things you can’t control.

Did you have fake it through another month of Christmas music and Sunday church services with an unconvincing smile on your face? Did you yet again listen to countless relatives talk about nothing but politics and insult the LGBTQ+ community, and had to sit quietly pretending that you agreed or just didn’t hear because everything they are saying applies to you? Did you worry so much that you cried yourself to sleep some nights because your mind is nothing but a beehive of nervous irrationalities that eat away at you in the dark? Did you return to old habits? Eat one more cookie than you probably should have and feel regret about it? Lie straight to your mother’s face to preserve your relationship and keep yourself safe from slurs and backlash and hatred? Get back into a relationship that everyone says isn’t good for you but no one else is there when you need them?

It’s okay, and I love you.

I’m in this boat too, and so are so many others just like us. December is a time for most people to at least put on a damn good liar’s face and smile through the holidays, sing about love and family and giving instead of receiving. But, there are plenty of us who spent Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanza, the Solstice, or whatever other holiday you or your family celebrates dying inside. Maybe you were broken up with on Christmas Eve. Maybe seeing snow always makes you scared to drive. Maybe this time is the anniversary of losing a loved one, or December always puts you in a position of questioning your faith because you’re terrified that if you’re wrong you’ll burn for it. And maybe, maybe you don’t know why you feel sad at all because you should be fine when you have everything but you just feel lost.

Whatever the reason is, I hope that anyone who had a December that wasn’t ideal is doing alright, or at least seeking help if not. I want you to know I care for you for you, no matter who you are, no matter your looks, your weight, your mental state, your race, your sexuality, your gender identity, your religion, or your political views. You’re a person, and that means you matter to me, and you matter to other people in your life as well, even if you don’t know it.

This may not even be your family. Though they’ll always claim to, you family might not always have your best interest at heart because they don’t know the real you or they simply don’t care. This could just be a friend from school, even if it’s the only one you have. This could be someone you met online who you immediately connected with because of all your similarities and who you talk to whenever you can. This can be a secret admirer, someone you don’t even realize has feelings for you And is too scared to come forward about it. It could even be someone you’ve forgotten about, someone you knew once long ago but haven’t talked to in so long that you hardly remember their last name, but maybe they still remember yours and would jump at the opportunity to talk with you again.

I encourage everybody who is struggling or suffering to talk to somebody. A therapist may work for some people, but for others the best medicine could be talking with friends. It could be venting on social media, even if your account does not reveal your actual identity. It could be talking to yourself- Writing in a journal is a therapeutic and judgement-free activity that provides an outlet to release stress and explain everything you need to get out however you choose to express yourself. Also, texting the crisis line and asking the advice someone someone who can look at your situation through an outside, unbiased view can offer at least some hope and a bit of advice if nothing else seems to click for you. (Even if you are not suicidal or having any suicidal thoughts or urges, Crisis Text Line provides users a free, 24 hour 7 days a week text service for those who struggle with depression, anxiety, and a wide multitude of other conditions that impact the brain negatively. The number to text is 741742, and you can find their site along with any additional info for here.)

There are countless people who are dealing with countless reasons that explain why they are not happy during this time of year. That’s the case for the rest of the year as well, but it seems that December brings out the worst of it. December does, however, have the lowest rating of suicides than any other month. More suicides occur in spring or summer than they do in December. It seems as though this month just brings forth a wave of painful thoughts and memories, most likely because although the holidays are a time for family, many people have secrets that they are hiding from their blood relatives and feel shameful of them because of the atmosphere. But whatever he reason for your dread in December of 2017, I have a few tips for you to try and release some of your emotions, keep yourself under control, and feel better about the winter months:

-Keep a journal I mentioned this earlier but this is a really good idea for everybody, not just those who are depressed. Journals allow you to write whatever you please with no judgement to be passed and no one to tell you that you’re wrong or you can’t write it. You can write as much or as little as you want- You could even keep a journal in the form of creative expression. Instead of writing, try drawing something that portrays the emotions you can’t vocally explain. Try writing some music notes that express how you’ve been feeling on a particular day. You don’t have to write full entries or complete entire drawings or write whole compositions of music if you don’t want to. It’s your journal. You have control over it. And the best part is that no one has to know what’s inside except for you, and you still were able to get out everything that was stuck inside your head.

-Writing poetry As much as many people are disgusted by it, poetry is one of the most expressive ways in which you can release your feelings. Many people grow a distaste for poetry through years of being forced to study and analyze the same classes poems from the same historic authors all throughout high school and middle school English classes, but there is a poem for everything. Anything you can possibly think of that you enjoy, anything you can conjure up in your mind, someone has written a poem about it. And if they haven’t, then you can. There are no rules. There are no guidelines. It can be as straightforward or as abstract as you wish. It can rhyme and be 10 lines or it can be freestyle and stretch on for 7 pages. There’s no limits to what you can do with poetry, which is one of the reasons why so many people with such different backgrounds and experiences and interests enjoy it. Poetry is one of the few things in the world you can truly make your own that no one can ever tell you is wrong. In poetry there is no wrong word or line, there is only room for you to better express your ideas.

-Cooking/Baking Even if you’re terrible in the kitchen and could manage to burn without turning on the stove, there are tons of recipes online that are easy to learn and user friendly. There are also likely old family recipes that you may have strewn about somewhere in the remnents of your kitchen, and if not I’ve provided some links to several different beginner-level recipes that anyone can figure out with some practice. (If you find any others you enjoy let people know about them! Don’t just keep it to yourself, talk about it with others who enjoy culinary arts. Tell them special things you did to the recipe to make it your own, give them advice if they’re a bit newer to cooking than you are, or just have fun talking about favorite dishes you’ve made! Try and spread some love guys!) Cooking and baking are things that let you relax and experiment at the same time. There’s something almost therapeutic about following the steps of a recipe, and it’s a great way to try out new foods or discover if you have a hidden passion in culinary skills. You can add in or take out any ingredients you don’t like (As long as they are not essential to properly bake the recipe, you can’t take flour out of a cake) And you can try different things each time as you grow more experienced with your skill and your ability to maneuver in a kitchen. It also feels incredible when you successfully execute a recipe, and it’s even better when you can provide food for someone and they compliment your ability. You can truly be proud of something you made and it will likely inspire you to continue trying out more recipes and dishes.

Chicken dinner

Easy rice

Simple Thanksgiving turkey

Sugar cookies

Vanilla cake

Gluten free - This is a site I’ve found that allows you to search for recipes and it will provide you with gluten free results, for any of you guys who can’t digest gluten or are sticking to a specific diet.

Dairy free - This site is similar to the gluten free site, it provides options for recipes that do not contain or require dairy for anyone who is lactose intolerant or allergic to dairy products.

Vegetarian - This is a site with some recipes listed that are designed for vegetarians. The recipes are all super easy and vary in their ingredients to provide a variety of options and meals.

-Arts and Crafts I had to include this one because as silly and childish as it sounds and seems, arts and crafts are an incredible way to relieve stress and let yourself have some fun. Go out and buy a spin art kit, and go crazy with the colors. Look up some DIY fun crafts for when you have nothing better to do. Buy some yarn and learn how to knit or crochet a scarf for somebody (Or yourself.) Arts and crafts are just serious enough that they provide you with an engaging activity that can lead you to a product you can be proud of that didn’t take up tons of time, but it’s just ridiculous enough that if you mess up or go a little off the rails you won’t get too angry with yourself because it’s just for fun. Tell me you can get mad at yourself because you glued on a googly eye that was a bit bigger than the other one or because you accidentally painted your reindeer’s antler’s the same color you were supposed to paint him so now his antlers just match his fur. You can’t, because it’s all for just some silly fun, and the most carefree time of a person’s life is when they are a kid. Because when you’re little kid you don’t have a job, you don’t have romantic relationships, you don’t have SAT’s and finals to worry about, you don’t have colleges to apply to and essays to write for scholarships to reduce the price of those colleges because you can’t afford them, you don’t pay taxes, you don’t worry about religion or politics or societal expectations. You’re just a kid. Your biggest wonder in life is whether or not you’re having spaghetti or tacos for dinner later in the night. So go and let yourself be a kid again. Indulge in something mindless, something that lets you have fun and not think about what your doing. It really is one of the most helpful ways to overcome pressure and stress.

-Listening to music And lastly- This one seems kind of obvious I know- But listening to your favorite music really does help you feel better about your day. If you just had a really terrible day where you got screamed at by your parents or your teacher, or you forgot to study for a big test and you knew the moment you looked at the first question you were going to fail, I wouldn’t suggest coming home and listening to lots of heavy metal with people screaming into your ears. There are times when you need music like that- When you’re furious and frustrated and you feel rage bottling itself up inside you, listening to something intense can help you express those emotions through loud noise and intense vibrations resonating in your ears. However, when your body is under a lot of stress and anxiety it biologically responds better to more relaxing, calming stimulations. I’m not saying you have to come home and listen to opera music (Though I personally enjoy it) But you should find something more soothing for your mind to focus on. Listen to some alternative songs. Try out classic rock (Not super intense stuff guys, songs with a steady beat and a melody you enjoy) Or you could even try listening to classical piano if you need to read for a test or a project. Research actually shows that when listening classical piano while engaging in homework, high school students tended to perform better on tests and be more well-informed on research topics. Classical music creates an environment where your brain can focus on what its reading, and it retains the information better. (Here is a link to one of the research articles about this study, but you can search for some of your own information about the theory as well if you’d like more information) Whether you’re studying, frustrated, or just had a bad day for whatever reason, music is a go to solution that many of us don’t realize we are using as therapy, but we are. We all connect to some type of music for some reason. We all have a song we know that we swear was written about our own lives. Music connects all of us in some way or another, and using it as an outlet for emotion is both an excellent and a popular method for maintaining our mental states of mind.

Remember that when you see somebody smiling, you’re only seeing what they want you to see, and they could easily be crying out for help with no way to get it. It’s easy for us to shield their true feelings because so many people take others at face value, when lots of us are simply crying behind the mask. Over half of people who stopped themselves from committing suicide did so because of just one little thing. Someone asked them how their day was, somebody prepaid for their meal at a fast food restaurant, they were told they did a good job at work or school. It could be as simple as someone saying they liked their outfit today. It doesn’t take much to make someone’s day, but it takes even less to ruin it, and something as simple as a sideways look as they walk past could be enough to convince them that they’re hated and worthless and judged by everyone around them. When some people make a stupid comment in class or get an answer wrong they simply laugh with their friends and move on, but others hold onto it for weeks at a time and can’t walk into that room without feeling sick at the ever looping memory of words that everyone else in the room forgot about before class ended. People are hurting, and although it’s more evident during December, it’s still not always easy to tell who is hiding and who is really showing you their true face.

Well guys, I’m sorry this post was so long, but I feel like I really needed to say all of this. Let people know that they matter. Talk to your friends, talk to those you care about, talked to your significant other or spouse. Ask them how they’re doing, check up on any tough situations you know they’ve been in recently, and let them know that even if they don’t want to talk about it or if they feel as if they’re lost that you care for them and that they matter. And if you’re on the reverse end, talk to those who are reaching out to help you. Even if you don’t tell them the whole story, even if you don’t know why you’re so upset, even if you just tell them that you’ve been struggling lately, let somebody know that you’re not okay. It’s not healthy or rewarding to hold it all it. It only causes greater amounts of stress that- As it accumulates- Will make every bad situation worse because it will just be piled onto the ever growing mountain of problems within your head. Try some of these methods, suggest some of your own if you have any, and talk to the people you care about. And try your best not to spread hatred towards others. Don’t tease them for their clothes, don’t avoid them because of their status, don’t judge them because they live with a family that doesn’t care for them. If you’re struggling this December, this year, or ever in your life, I’m so tremendously sorry that you’re going through this. Pain is the hardest thing to forget, and the most commonly referenced emotion throughout human history. It’s the binding feeling we all experience at some point or another, and there’s so many different types but it all hurts. As people, as towns, as cities and countries and continents, as a society, we all hurt. And I know it’s hard. I know there’s nothing I can say that will change the situation you’re in, but I’m really wishing that something in this post gave you hope tonight. And if not, it’s okay, and I love you.

[stopidontgohere]

@blender-chan wanted the list of 100 questions answered for two of my ocs. It took forever, but I finally got it done.

1. How do they present themselves to others?


O: Onnie presents herself as someone who’s more confident than she really is. She can’t really hide how awkward she is though.

M: Moren presents themself as someone who’s witty and fun to be around.

2. Do they like animals?


Yes

3. How do they dress?


Already answered

4. How many languages do they know?


O: Two (then again she may have forgotten one of them)

M: Honestly????? idk

5. How big is their family?


O: She has two adoptive parents. I’m not sure about siblings.

M: You see, it’s really hard to talk about these things without spoiling my story, but most of this will probably be forgotten by the time it comes out, so whatever. I don’t think it’s possible for them to have a real family.

6. What is their purpose in the story?


O: Again, huge spoilers. She is given the task to find and stop the incondite, and her major purpose is to collect as much information as possible.

M: They are one of the Unusuals (a type of Synthetic). Their purpose in the Edifice is to manipulate how people perceive things. Not necessarily a bad thing though. They’re not the big Bad Guy of the story. Their purpose in the story is to help Onnie get more info.

7. Do they know how to fight?


O: Possibly, but she’s not very good at it.

M: Possibly, and they would be better at it than Onnie.

8. What is their back story?


SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS as in this literally isn’t revealed until the end of the story

O: Her father started the creation of the Edifice and wasn’t able to care for her, so she was adopted by the Aldachi family. Nineteen years later, he found and killed her to basically force her into joining the Edifice and becoming a Synthetic.

M: They were actually a friendly mischievous spirit/demon thing until something (what it is I really cannot say, since I want it to be 100% a secret to everyone until the game is released) took control of it. The Staff found them and made them a Synth, basically giving them a home.

9. Why is their name, their name?


O: Onnie is based on a gemsona I made years ago, named Black Lace Onyx

M: Started as a joke actually. My nickname is Less, and the opposite of less is more

10. Do they have any nick names?


O: Onnie is technically a nickname. Her real name is Oni Aldachi (or Kuan-Yin Namari)

M: Fritz? idk if that counts, since it was a fake name they made for themself

11. Do they have a romantic interest?


O: Yeah kinda. She takes an interest in Raech, but there isn’t a whole lot of flirting between them.

M: I don’t know if they know much about romance. They’re probably asexual but idk

12. How do they cope with struggles?


That’s one of the things I’m still trying to figure out while writing them.

13. Do they have anyone they can lean on?


They have the other Synths, but that’s probably not a good idea. At least Onnie has Raech, and Moren has Onnie, Izzy, and Kaster

14. How do they react to someone dying?


They’ve both died before so it’s more of a “been there done that” reaction.

15. Can you name 5 personality traits they have?


O: Determined, awkward, gay™, honest, stubborn

M: Energetic, loud, witty, supportive, depressed™

16. How did they become a character?


O: Had to think of a backstory for Onyx, somehow turned her into something completely different and made an entire story about it.

M: Started as a different character named Sketch, who was based on a character from a horror series which I will not name here.

17. Do they get along with others?


O: It’s hard for her to get to know others, but she tries to treat them well regardless. She loses her patience with strangers easily though.

M: It’s hard to know how they really feel about others. They often pretend to care to keep a good reputation, but the truth is that they tend to find others annoying.

18. What flaws do they have?


I’m tired so I’m not going to list all of them.

O: Despite wanting everyone to be happy, she tends to say how she really feels about someone. She can be very blunt and insulting, and an come off as rude.

M: They don’t like to ask for help, which can get them in a lot of trouble. When they have a problem, they either ignore it or refuse advice.

19. How do they influence the story?


Ok I’ll be honest, I’m not sure how to properly answer this question. They both influence the story more than any other characters though.

20. What do they look like?


O: Short, round face, short black hair, brown eyes, scar on face, light brown skin, maybe a little chubby?

M: Paper white skin with unnaturally green lips, white and green hair, probably has those little anime fangs

21. What are their hobbies?


Still trying to figure this out

22. What are their ticks?


I don’t understand this question

23. Do they like children?


O: She tolerates them

M: Yes, but considering recent circumstances I wouldn’t want them near any.

24. How do they react to being around wild animals?


They can both handle themselves. Onnie would probably know what to in that situation, and Moren would just be overly confident. Neither of the would do anything stupid, if the animal is dangerous.

25. If they were given the task to prank someone, who would it be, what would they do, and would the prank work?


O: Onnie would totally prank Moren, or possibly Raech. She would be too afraid to prank anyone else. idk what she’d do though.

M: Moren’s entire existence as a demon has been pranking people because they think it’s fun.

26. Do they have any survival skills?


O: No.

M: A few, not that they need any

27. Are they more book smart or street smart?


O: Book

M: A mix of both

28. How do they get out of a difficult situation?


Answered in 12 and 18

29. Do they use their body, mind, personality or force to get what they want?


O: Mind. She would use force but alas she is tiny and unintimidating.

M: Uh? Body and mind? It’s a little hard to explain, but it’s also an important plot point.

30. What music do they enjoy?


man idk shit about music

31. How do they overcome obstacles?


I feel like I’ve already answered this

32. When faced with a difficult decision do they get stronger or break?


O: Breaks at first, but then gets stronger

M: Just gets angry idk

33. Do they have any special powers?


O: She’s an Acquiring Synthetic. She’s able to store information in her brain like a computer.

M: They’re an Unusual Synthetic. They can shape shift.

34. How do they change throughout the story?


Still working on it

35. Do they have any friends? If so, are they close knit?


Friendship is kind of an odd thing in this story, since most of it takes place after everyone has died. There are now seven characters all living in one building, and most of them don’t even get along. That being said, Moren really likes hanging out with Izzy and Kaster, and used to be best friends with Onnie.

36. How is their family life?


O: Killed by her biological father, you tell me

M: Again, idk if demons can have families

37. Are they likable?


O: Yes, she’s a cutie.

M: WELL UH it depends, they’re very interesting. I think they start as unlikeable, but you start to love them more and more.

38. Are they the hero, or anti-hero?


O: Hero

M: Pretty much everyone who isn’t Onnie is an antagonist of some sort. Maybe anti-hero pre-possession.

39. Do they make questionable choices?


O: I think most of her actions are justified.

M: Oh, definitely

40. How do they become who they are?


I think that’ll depend on the player's actions.

41. How was their childhood?


O: Her adoptive family cared about her very much.

M: Again. Demon.

42. Are they close with anyone who is going to screw them over?


O: Yes

M: Possibly

43.How do they adapt to different situations? Do they adapt at all?


Still figuring it out

44. How do they speak? Examples - Are they soft spoken, hot heated, vulgar


O: A lot of stuttering

M: They can be pretty gruff and vulgar, but like in a fun way.

45. Are they opposed to violence? 


O: I feel like she’s the kind of person who thinks “I wanna fight it” at least daily, but knows she’s pretty much useless in a fight. So idk

M: They’re not opposed to it, but wouldn’t want to stress or strain themselves over something small.

46. When is their birthday?


idk

47. Are they quick to judge?


They both are, but they try not to.

48. Do they have anything they are trying to hide from others?


O: Nnnnot really?

M: Ha. Oh yeah. I think they told Kaster though.

49. Do they act different around different people?


O: She’s the same around everyone, mostly because she doesn’t think it’s worth putting up an act.

M: They’re the same around everyone because they’re confident in who they are.

50.Do they enjoy the arts?


I don’t see either of them as being incredibly artsy.

51. Do they like science?


O: Yes

M: Sort of

52. Are they more emotional or logical?


O: She tries to be both

M: EMOTIONAL

53. How do they deal with their emotions?


I’m probably not going to answer questions like this very well, because as an autistic it’s very hard to put these things into words. Like, I know how, but I cannot phrase it at all.

54. How do they cope with sadness?


See 53. Moren doesn’t cope with anything really.

55. What is something they care about?


O: Her memories got wiped at the beginning of the series, so her major care is just her mission,  until that character development kicks in.

M: They care about other people thinking like they do, and having fun.

56. Would they die for anyone/anything?


They’re already dead

57. What do they do when they are happy?


O: Like the stereotypical autistic happy stims: flapping, infodumping, etc.

M: They get a reaaalllly big smile and a huge contagious laugh.

58. How would they come across to other characters? Examples- messy, lazy, childish, caring ect


O: Clumsy and awkward, but determined. Some might find her childish but endearing.

M: A bit messy and rude, but alright. Maybe a bit intimidating.

59. Do they have a phrase they use over and over?


O: Not that I can think of

M: They say dude a lot

60. In a crowded room are they in the corners, sides, or in the middle?


O: Corners, chilling with Raech.

M: They’d be all over the place

61. Are they comfortable being in a crowded room?


O: Not really. She would be okay for a bit, but it would overwhelm her after a while.

M: Moreso than Onnie, but not as much as Evonne.

62. How do they relax?


O: Laying in bed. She doesn’t have a blog but I’m picturing her posting shit to a tech blog or something.

M: Cooking, otherwise idk

63. Have they ever harmed anyone and regretted it? Verbally or physically?


O: She can say some insensitive things, but immediately regrets it.

M: Kinda. There's an entire plot point about this lol

64. Do they like to dance?


O: Yes

M: Hell yes

65. How do they get around their environment? Examples - horses, bike, vehicle


Their only environment is the Edifice and it’s about the size of a small school.

66. What is their pet peeve(s)?


Man idk i hate answering questions like this

67. Do they have a disability?


O: She’s autistic

M: idk if being a demon possessed by an even worse demon counts as a disability

68. How do they react to getting flowers?


O: Shit.. ok call me cringey or whatever but there is a scene where Raech and Onnie make flower crowns because blah blah trying to think positive blah and it’s actually great she loves it!

M: They…. would be confused but appreciate the offer.

69. Would they ever wear a flower crown?


See above

70. Do they like themselves?


O: Not really, but she’s getting better

M: No

71. Who do they dislike?


O: She tries not to dislike anyone, but thinks Kaster and Evonne are kinda weird.

M: They dislike anyone who disagrees with them.

72. What is their motto?


O: Keep on the sunny side.

M: Do what you want.

73. Do they have any markings on their body?


O: She has a noticeable scar on her face.

M: SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS as the incondite they have markings, but as Moren and the demon they do not.

74. Have they ever been abused?


Touchy subject

75. What is their biggest fear?


O: Losing the trust of the other Synths, losing the people she cares about.

M: Being proven wrong, the [REDACTED BC OF SPOILERS]

76. What are their goals?

O: The find and stop the incondite, to gather as much info as possible.

M: To sway others into their way of thinking.

77. How do they go about achieving their goals?


Again I feel like I’ve answered this one.

78. Do they have a fight or flight response?


O: Wants to fight, but knows that flight is the safer option.

M: Fight, but let’s be real here they'd probably still want to flee.

79. Is there someone in their life that they care about more than themselves?


O: Mpossibly..

M: It’s up to interpretation :)

80. How would they fair in zombie apocalypse?


They’re both already kinda zombies in a way.

81. Do they have any tattoos? If so, are they significant?


Nope

82. Are they good at mental math?


O: Oh absolutely yes. She’s a savant.

M: Demons don’t give a shit about math (but yea they’re pretty good at it)

83. Do they get along with others?


I feel like I’ve answered this before. I apologize if I haven’t.

84 Are they lazy?


O: No

M: Depends

85. Are they self motivated?


O: Most of the time

M: Depends

86. How do they cope with anger?


Again I feel like I’ve answered this

87. Have they ever been in a situation where they were helpless?


O: Haha yeah

M: Haha YEAH

88. Are they organized or messy?


O: Both somehow

M: Messy

89. Can they remember a lot of information at once?


O: Yes, it’s literally her Synth ability

M: Depends on how important it is to them

90. What is their occupation?


O: Acquiring Synthetic with the ability to store information

M: Unusual Synthetic with the ability to shape shift

91. Do other characters respect your OC, if so, is it out of fear? Or do they respect your OC because they like them?


Like friendship, respect is an odd thing with the main 7. For the most part, they tolerate each other at best.

92. If they were given minutes to live, what would they do? Who would they want to see and say?


Again, the whole dead thing

93. How do they deal with stress?


Another question I cannot answer

94. Do they have a more submissive or dominant personality type?


O: A little bit of both

M: Dominant

95. Do they have a pet?


Pets aren’t allowed at the Edifice.

96. Do they have a stash of weapons?


O: I feel like after the story ends, she shares Raech’s stash of swords. They are the sword gays.

M: They don’t need a weapon.

97. Where do they live? Who do they live with?


They live at the Edifice with the other Synthetics.

98. How do they calm themselves down?


Can’t answer

99. Are they co-dependent?


O: Not sure yet. She tries to be independent.

M: Technically they can’t exist without [REDACTED LOL]

100. Are they a day, or night person?

O: She seems like she should be a night owl, but she gets cranky without her sleep.

M: Day person. Nights aren’t so great for them.

[sunken-standard]

Yet Another Drabble Ask Meme Fill

Requested by @mychakk [I'm sorry I forgot] : Ok, I think I'll go with those numbers, feel free to combine them or do them alone or just pick one that fits your fancy anything for sure will make my day :) 9 (Is a chicken really a bird if they can’t fly?), 14 (Fire! Fire! Fire!), 15 (You watched 4 seasons today?), 42 (This cost a thousand dollars?!), 43 (Foreigners…pffft), 102 (Buy me chocolates and tell me everything’s going to be okay), 107 (This house isn’t even haunted) My top favourite 'verse is the Holmes Family Function (the best), Tom-verse and Vegas. But I'll love anyhting ;) Huge thank you :) looking forward to them :)

This is the list for round 3: https://prompt-bank.tumblr.com/post/146525402053/drabble-challenge

Filled: 17, 95, 72, 84, 105, 41, 28, 69, 90, 95, 46, 100, 104, 81, 18, 24, 108, 99, 25, 61, 66, 52, 80, 73, 54, 89, 26, 32, 71, 16, 20, 27, 45, 57, 89, 32, 44, 64, 102, 27, 57, 6, 2, 70, 5, 7, 93, 9, 14, 15, 42, 43, 102, 107 Yet to be filled: 86, 96, 2, 14, 20, 21, 22, 94

"Is a chicken really a bird if they can’t fly?"/ "Fire! Fire! Fire!"/ "You watched 4 seasons today?"/ "This cost a thousand dollars?!"/ "Foreigners…pffft"/ "Buy me chocolates and tell me everything’s going to be okay"/ "This house isn’t even haunted"

Molly walked into her lounge and screamed.

It wasn't as common an occurrence as one might think, even when taking into account that Sherlock Holmes had taken over her flat as an annex of his own a few years before; she was used to all manner of things greeting her at the door when she returned home from work.  Two dogs (on separate occasions), a monitor lizard, a pathetic Sherlock covered in fly paper, a pathetic Sherlock covered in bee stings, a pathetic Sherlock covered in marmalade (as was half her kitchen that time, though she'd got a much nicer kettle and a new blender out of the deal, so she hadn't complained much), a shirtless Wiggins and Sherlock with a tattoo gun, The Night King himself (okay, yeah, just Mycroft, but with a codename like Iceman [which she wasn't supposed to know, but Sherlock also used her brain as an annex for things he didn't want to keep in his own] the comparison was just begging to be made), and now the corpse of Sherlock's ex-girlfriend in rigor on her sofa.

Except, no, that wasn't a corpse.  It was a sex doll.  Wearing one of Molly's cardigans and a pair of her pyjama bottoms.

She supposed it could be worse.  It could be a sex doll that looked like one of her exes.  

"You're out of Fairy and if you have to use the loo, which you always do because apparently riding the bus is just too much excitement for you, don't look in the bathtub," Sherlock greeted as he tramped down the stairs to the kitchen.  She added Marigolds to her mental shopping list as well, because he was wearing hers (and goggles, oh lovely) and she was sure she didn't want that pair to ever be near anything that would ever be near food again.

"So, um...  Why?  And why is she wearing my clothing?"

"Really more of an 'it.'  I had to put something on it, it was—" he wiggled his fingers "—weird, and wrapping it in a blanket made it weirder.  If it makes you feel better, I used clean clothing so none of your DNA will accidentally be transferred."

"Wait, is this evidence? We talked about evidence in my flat."

"It's not evidence per se, at least not in a criminal capacity.  Well, it could be, should my client choose to press charges, but she won't, considering she's technically dead—"

"Your client," she said flatly.

"Whose name I can't reveal because I adhere to the strictest professional standards of confidentiality—"

"Oh for shit's sake, I know who it is.  Why is it here?"

"Mrs. Hudson would evict me if she saw it.  And it is rather creepy in an uncanny valley sort of way. Its eyes close when you tilt it past a thirty degree angle and the mouth is, ah, motorized.  Wiggins accidentally bumped the 'on' switch when we were carrying it inside and I've actually never heard a grown man scream like that before."

She narrowed her eyes at him.  "You're not keeping it here."

"It's only a few days, she's making shipping arrangements."

"Shipping arrangements."

"She said it would be a waste of a prop to destroy it entirely.  She's ah, left me with the task of disposing of the... peripherals, though."

"Peripherals.  Going to go out on a limb and guess that's what's in my bathtub."

"Yes."

"And you're cleaning them because...?"

"DNA," he said as though she were daft.

"Uh huh.  I'm going upstairs because yes, fine, I actually do have to wee and it's not because the bus is exciting, it's because I time my last cup of coffee so I don't fall asleep on the way home and miss my stop and a side-effect is having a full bladder by the time I walk through the door.  Whatever. When I come downstairs, you're explaining this to me from the beginning and leaving out no detail.  Then we'll figure out what to do with your Stepford Girlfriend."  

*

"So she has her face trademarked and copyrighted and all that stuff, and she sent you to fetch her intellectual property."

"More or less.  There may or may not be multiple blackmail components."

"Oh even better.  Did you shatter a few kneecaps just for fun, too?"

"What are you implying?"

"Nothing.  I mean, I'm sure pimpin' ain't easy."

"So because I took on a case for someone in the sex industry I'm a pimp?" he asked slowly.

"You're actively helping a whore blackmail one of her clients, from whom you just stole a sex doll."

"That bears the exact likeness of my client and falls well outside the scope of her contract with the party I reclaimed the property from.  Honestly, you're a feminist, you should be championing this.  Imagine if Tom had a sex doll made that looked just like you."

Ugh, he had a point.  Of course he had to go and humanize Irene Adler.

"Fine," she relented.  "But you really should wear the fur collar for your coat more often. Maybe put some bling on John's cane and start carrying that around when you wear the hat."

At least she could still amuse herself with that image.

*

"You're actually logging these?"

"She wants to know what he's been—ahem—using it for so she can charge him accordingly."

"I can think of a pretty short list of what he's been using it for," Molly said, fishing yet another of the doll's vagina inserts out of her tub.  Which Sherlock was going to sanitize repeatedly before her next bath (the tub, not the vagina; those were about as clean as they'd ever get thanks to the boiling water and bleach).

"And I'll thank you to keep that list to yourself," Sherlock said, taking the insert and turning it around to look for the serial number.  He was really putting on a good show of not being flustered, but the colour in his cheeks gave him away.  

"Is this real human hair?" Molly asked, squinting down at the next piece.  She was tempted to take her gloves off just to feel it, but then they'd have to re-sanitize it because he had some weird hang-up about DNA all of a sudden.  

"Mmhmm.  That one costs fourteen thousand Yen.  A thousand pounds, give or take."

"This cost a thousand pounds?!  A fake fanny?  Wh—oh.  Oh God, it's moving.  It's moving and I don't know how I turned it on."

"How—?" he began, side-eyeing her.  He rolled his eyes and shook his head, then put down the insert he'd been holding.  "Oh for—give it here, there's got to be a switch somewhere."

She watched as he examined it from all angles, then started poking and prodding at it with his gloved fingers; she wasn't sure if it was sexy, absurd, or just weird, but she knew she was the one blushing now, too (which was ridiculous, considering how often she examined actual genitals belonging to an actual person in any given week).  She thought she was going to choke on her own saliva when he used two fingers to check inside.  She really hoped he didn't make that face when there was a real woman involved.

"I can't...  I can't turn this off.  I have no idea how to turn this off," he said, sounding like he couldn't believe what he was even saying.

"Batteries!  Just take the batteries out!"

"I don't know where the compartment is."

"Google it."

"You google it, I've got my hands full of—thing."

"Maybe it's on a timer.  Just put it in the box and maybe it'll stop on its own."

Sherlock shrugged and withdrew his fingers, then set the insert into the box.

"Oh God," he said, staring down into the box.

"What?"

"It set another one off.  And there goes another, it's a chain reaction."

"It's just like in The China Syndrome," she said peering around him to look into the box, which had begun to vibrate its way across her bathroom floor.

"The what?"

"Have you never watched a film?"

He didn't dignify that with a response.

*

"I can still hear them," she said, looking up at the ceiling.

"I'm sure the batteries will die soon," he said, eyes on his phone as it moaned another text.  It was beginning to sound like a bad porno soundtrack.  "Ah, good. Her people will be here on Monday to properly crate it for its trip to Hong Kong.  Which is not where she is, so just completely forget I said that."

"Today is Tuesday.  This thing is going to be here a week?"

"Six days, yes."

"It's so creepy."

Sherlock tipped his head in agreement. "Trust me, it was worse when it was naked."

"Can't you at least move it somewhere?"

"It weighs eight stone, it's like moving a water heater."

"I want to watch telly and I don't want to sit next to it."

"Fine, I'll sit next to it, you sit on the other side."

*

"Maybe if we just put a bag over its head," she said, leaning forward to look past Sherlock at the doll.  He'd inched his way nearly into her lap, pressing her into the corner of the sofa like they were on a Twister ride over the course of the last half hour.  She didn't mind, really, except for the doll being there.

*

"No, that's worse, take it off, it looks like a murder."

"You like murders," Sherlock said from just behind her.

"No, you like murders.  I like my job, which is only tangential to actual murder."

"Potato, potato," he said. "What about a mask?  You have one in the spare room from Mary's hen do."

"The one with the willy on it?"

"The one with the feathers," he said flatly.  "It's bigger, it'll cover more of the face."

*

"Oh my God, that's horrifying. Why is that so horrifying?  Take it off.  Take it off."

"You take it off, you brought it into our house!"  She realized too late the slip she'd just made.  Thankfully, Sherlock didn't seem to notice, as he was tentatively sliding closer to the doll again to remove the mask.  She didn't know why, but she kept expecting it to turn its head in her direction and start singing 'Non, je ne regrette rien' or some Marlene Dietrich song or something equally and unexpectedly creepy.

Sherlock used the back of a pen to flick the mask off the doll's face and they both relaxed a bit.  

"Okay," he said.  "I have an idea.  What if we just put it in the corner where the lamp is that you never use?  That entire corner is an oubliette, we'll just put it in your desk chair and wheel her over there for the rest of the week."

*

"Nope," she said simply, her hair standing on end.  

"To be fair, I didn't say it was a good idea."

Sherlock's phone moaned a text and they both jumped.

"I'm never going to sleep again. This house isn’t even haunted!  Or, it wasn't, until that thing showed up."

"You don't believe in ghosts."

"And you don't believe in wearing pants under pyjamas.  What's your point?" she snapped.  She wanted that thing gone.

Sherlock simply narrowed his eyes at her while pulling out his phone.

*

Molly hefted her overnight bag on her shoulder and Sherlock shifted the still-vibrating box of fannies as they waited by the kerb.

"Least it's not raining," Sherlock said conversationally.

*

"Is a chicken really a bird if they can’t fly?" Wiggins said, one hand on the wheel and the other out the window doing that uppy-downy swimmy thing people usually stopped doing once they were old enough to drive.  "They're closer 'a dinosaurs anyway, I saw it on telly."

"They have feathers and beaks—taxonomically, they're birds.  And chickens can fly, only not very far," Sherlock said, bored.  They were both stuffed into the back seat because there was a suspicious stain on the front passenger seat and neither of them wanted to sit there. The box of fannies was secure in the trunk.

"Did you know—"

"Oh God, here we go," Sherlock muttered.

"—some paleontologists stuck plungers on chickens' bums ta figure out how T. Rex walked?"

"I did not not know that," Molly said, because how else does one respond to that?  It wouldn't be very polite to ask their driver, 'how many mushrooms have you ingested today?'

"Spent'a day watchin' Natural World, din't I?  Last four series."

"You watched four series today?" Molly asked incredulously.  

"Well, only'a ones wi' Sir David Attenborough.  He's'a only one I really like."

Fair enough, she thought.

*

"I'm going to be deleting useless trivia of dubious accuracy for hours," Sherlock grumped while Wiggins filled the tank with petrol.  "I'm going inside to get...  Something, anything, I don't really care, I just don't want to be in the car any longer."

"Buy me chocolates.  And tell me everything’s going to be okay.  I mean, we're halfway to Slough with a box of sex toys in the boot and it's almost midnight and I'm pretty sure Wiggins is high."

"And somehow I'm the dramatic one.  Wiggins isn't high, that's just how he is.  Everything is going to be fine, it's just a quick trip to an abandoned brickyard, we'll be back at Baker Street where there are no bloodthirsty Maschinenmenschen waiting for us to fall asleep to murder us before you know it."

"Maschinenmenschen?"

"Now who's the one who's never seen a film?"

"Just go and buy me a bloody chocolate bar."

*

"So you keep an arsonist on retainer for special occasions?" she asked, watching as Sherlock situated the box in the centre of the hastily-constructed pyre.

"Former arsonist.  It was only once and he's a very successful builder now.  Care to do the honours?" he asked, holding out a disposable lighter and a rolled-up copy of The Sun.

She took the newspaper and let Sherlock light it.  "Oh!  Fire!  Fire!  Fire!" she chanted as she bustled around the pile of cast-off wooden pallets and construction scraps, lighting the bits of cardboard sticking out here and there.

"So if we were just going to burn them, why did you bother cleaning them?"

"I was actually going to sell them on eBay.  It seems he had some 'limited editions' and you wouldn't believe what they're worth.  We're burning potentially £8000 or so."

"Are you serious?  Why are we burning them?  Is this some kind of ridiculously expensive catharsis?"

"Wh—catharsis?"

"Like, burning them in effigy. She was your ex-girlfriend.  Or is this some kind of noble gesture, like, protecting her honour or something?  So no one can defile her silicone bits."

"Noooo," Sherlock said slowly.  "They're just extremely unsettling and I didn't want to leave them to roam about the flat like... demonic caterpillars in case they escaped their box.  I'm beginning to suspect they're powered by nuclear fuel rods.  Really, we should probably step back, actually.  Or leave, and rather quickly, since the fire department is on its way.  Run."

*

"I'll get Wiggins to help me move it tomorrow," Sherlock said after they were settled in his bed.

She'd never slept in his bed before. It was weird.  He'd slept in hers dozens of times, and often those times overlapped with her own occupancy, but this was... weird. "Though you could just stay here for the rest of the week."

His suggestion was a bit too casual.

"You don't actually want to move it, do you?"

"It's very heavy.  And unnerving. And I will deny that with my dying breath if you ever tell anyone I said that."

She couldn't help herself, she giggled. "Perish the thought.  No one would ever believe me, anyway. Just like that time I met Bill Murray.  Not John's friend Murray, the Bill Murray.  It was in an Indian takeaway in Hackney and he knew I recognized him and he just leaned into me and said, 'No one will ever believe you.'  No one did, either.  But it was him."

"Who's Bill Murray?"

"An American actor.  Caddyshack, Ghostbus—"

"Foreigners…pffft.  Boring."

"We really need to work on your cultural literacy," she said, then yawned.

"I've seen every film I'll ever need to, and for the rest, there's Wikipedia."

"We're watching Groundhog Day tomorrow night."

"It's a punishment, isn't it?"

"Yes.  You'll take it and you'll like it.  Now go to sleep, I need to be up in four hours."

"Make it five.  We'll take a cab. I need some teeth for an experiment I've been thinking about, tomorrow is as good a day as any to start it."

"I won't argue.  Still can't believe we burned £8000 worth of fake fannies."

"I still can't believe they exploded like that.  I should hope they come with warning labels on the package."

"Maybe that's part of the allure. Like playing penis Russian roulette."

"Molly."

"Hmm?"

"Go to sleep.  And please never utter the phrase 'penis Russian roulette' again."

"You're no fun."

"I'm lots of fun.  Tonight was fun."

"Yeah, it kind of was.  Night."

"Night."  

"Sherlock..."

"Hmm?"

"Are you sure we got rid of all of them?  Did you, ah, remove whatever was in the doll before you dressed it?"

There was a beat of silence, then, "Bollocks."

[s0ftmalec]

Loft Key

me and @dadddarioomg wanted to kill our friends and this was the outcome

pairing: Magnus Bane & Alec Lightwood

summary:  magnus and alec are tired of waking up without each other. they just miss each another. and all alec has is this loft key that magnus gave him.

read it on AO3 !

Alec couldn’t remember what it was like not waking up alone. He hadn’t slept by himself since he started dating Magnus, and now it’s been too long and way too many days. Every morning he rolls over in his bed at the Institute, hoping that everything that had happened four days ago was just a dream, but just like every other morning, he’s met with the cold sheets on the side of the bed where Magnus should be. And he can’t get up, like he physically cannot pull himself out of bed because he doesn’t have his beautiful boyfriend to wake up to, he doesn’t wake up to Magnus teasing him every morning. It makes his heart hurt, it aches inside of his chest, because all he can think about is the countless mornings that they’ve shared. Where they would both wake up, smiles on their faces and teasing words being thrown at one another.

Now all he has is Jace knocking at his door, telling him for the fourth morning in a row that he just has to get out of bed. He knows he has duties, he knows he’s the head of the institute, and he can’t abandon any of his duties just because he’s heartbroken. But it still hurts to get out of bed and pick up the clothes that Isabelle had laid out for him the night before. She had chosen clothes that Magnus loved though; there was the shirt that Magnus always complimented him on, the jeans he wore the night of their first date, the same silly shoes he wears 24/7 that Magnus teases him about all the time. He’s glad though, he’s glad that Isabelle knew exactly what to pick out for him. He needed to feel close to Magnus, now more than ever, and having the clothes that reminded him of Magnus was helping him.

The loft key is the only thing that actually belonged to Magnus before it was his though, and every morning since that night, he had picked it up off of his bedside table and put it into his front pocket. The key, the simple, tiny, golden key, got him through his days. It was the only thing that kept him sane.

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It’s been four days now, since they’ve slept in the same bed.  It’s been getting harder and harder. The first day was definitely the hardest, for both of them, but the other days were just painful to endure.

Every morning Magnus had to drag himself out of bed, use his magic to apply his usual makeup, but  he was applying much more to disguise the bags underneath his eyes. He hadn’t slept but maybe four hours altogether in the past four days. He never knew that giving his heart to someone else would end up with him, the High Warlock of Brooklyn, not being able to function properly. He couldn’t sleep, or eat, or breathe. He drank, a lot. He spent the majority of his days drinking. It hurt his heart in his chest to think of Alec, he couldn’t even imagine how he was doing. He didn’t want to. He didn’t have any desire to see the hurt that he had brought upon the love of his life. He doesn’t want to imagine how Alec was doing now, without him. He knew Alec was upset, he had seen it in the tears that welled up in his eyes whenever he stepped into the elevator four days ago. He had caused Alec to cry. Alec; the strong, stoic man who never shed a tear. He was the reason that Alec was hurting, and that broke his heart into a million pieces.

He never wanted to see Alec like this. He had never wanted to cause him any pain; he never wanted to see Alec in pain. He tried to block the image out of his mind, but every time he tried to sleep, whenever he closed his eyes, he saw the same image of Alec looking like he was about to cry.

Magnus tried to distract himself, he looked at pictures in his phone of the Shadowhunter. Smiling Alec, grumpy Alec, nothing that resembled sadness in any way. But it didn’t work, and he felt a tear fall from his eye. “I’m so sorry.”

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Alec just couldn’t wrap his head around the whole thing. He hadn’t done anything wrong, at least he didn’t think so. Magnus has said that he loved him, so many times, but Magnus left. While he understood the words Magnus had said to him that night, he didn’t understand why Magnus had told him that he loved him if he was just going to leave.

He hadn’t seen Magnus, he hadn’t spoken to Magnus, and all he had was that one loft key and the pictures of Magnus in his phone. The pictures he had taken of Magnus smiling made his lips quirk up a bit into a small smile, the grumpy pictures of Magnus made his giggle despite the tears streaming down his face. He loves Magnus. He loves him with his whole being, his heart and soul.

And even though Magnus had walked away, Alec knew that he would love the man forever, even if Magnus decided not to come back to him. He would love Magnus with his whole heart as long as he lived, no matter what. He knew that Magnus would love him in the same way though, he trusted the man when those three words came from his mouth whenever they were together. But it still hurt. They haven’t talked, they haven’t seen each other. He can tell that Jace and Izzy try not to mention Magnus around him. Alec looked like he he would break at any moment, but he was trying so hard not to. He’s the head of the Institute. He had to be strong. He has to fight.

Nobody called him Alexander, and when anyone did, he pushed back tears and let out a desperate “Don’t. Don’t call me that.” Only one person could call him by his full first name, and that one person wasn’t around. He only wanted Magnus to call him by that name, so when anyone else did, he gripped the loft key a little bit tighter in his fist, so tight that he was afraid the key might break.  He tried holding himself together, he really did. He was a leader. He couldn’t let anyone see him like this. Only Magnus has seen him so broken before, not his siblings, nor his parents. Only Magnus. Magnus has the capability to make Alec feel good and happy, but right now he feels like shit. Trying to get his work done. He trains, harder and harder as each day passes by, he’s also more hard on himself. “If I hadn’t lied to Magnus, he’d still be here with me,” another punch to his gut, “Maybe none of this would have happened if I had been honest.” He hits the punching bag harder and harder until his knuckles are bleeding and sweat is gathering in bead s on his forehead.

When he’s tired of beathing himself up, physically and emotionally, he says goodnight to Izzy, Clary, and Jace. And he goes back to his cold, empty bed.

He doesn’t like it here anymore. He called the Institute his home for more than twenty years, but in the past few months, home had become something different, it held a different meaning. Home had become a place so vibrant and colorful, a place that was always changing, looking slightly different whenever he came back from work. Home had soft, smooth, black hair, that constantly had different colored streaks in it. Home had eyes that were golden, flecked with soft yellow spots, but home sometimes would glamour the cat eyes away, replacing them with eyes dark enough to be black.  Home wore colorful clothes, and leather pants, and had so many different outfits in his closet. Home’s voice sounded like honey whenever he spoke, and when home laughed, the sound lit up Alec’s entire life. Home smelled like sandalwood. Home was Magnus, Magnus held Alec’s heart and made Alec feel safer than he’d ever felt inside the walls of the Institute. And he missed home, he missed his boyfriend holding him tight in his arms. He missed kissing Magnus’ forehead whenever he came home from a long day at the institute. He missed the smell of Magnus, he missed the soft, silk sheets that Magnus was constantly changing. He even missed the pile of clutter in the corner of Magnus’ room. He didn’t mind that Magnus was a mess sometimes, he loves him for it. He would love Magnus no matter what.

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One day, Alec has had enough of this. He can’t do it anymore, he can’t. He feels like he’s going crazy. Without thinking, he calls up Magnus and the phone rings, and rings, and rings. Nobody picks up. He starts to leave voice messages.

“Magnus please. I want to talk to you. I miss you so much. I can’t do this anymore. Please. What happened to “I’m all for effort”?”

He leaves even more messages as the days without Magnus pass by, slowly.

“Magnus,  you said not to push you away when things get crazy, but you’re pushing me away and I can’t deal with it anymore. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I-“

His voice fell quiet for a moment before he spoke up again, his voice soft, “I miss you. I can’t live without you. I love-“ Beep.

The phone beeped in his ear, signaling the message was cut short. He missed Magnus. He loved him. And this was probably the twentieth message he had sent.

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Magnus hears the messages that Alec is sending him, he listens to them on repeat. He cries, and he drinks, and he cries even more. He has his people to protect, what he has done was for everyone’s well-being, but he hurt Alec in the process. He should talk to Alec, he really should. So he takes a deep breath, typing out the message that he had been wanting to send for days, but he takes a moment to send it, nervous of the outcome. He finally sends it, after reading over it nearly thirty times. Meet me at the loft. After he sends it, he takes a deep breath. He needs to explain. It might end up in them fighting or arguing, but he needs to talk to Alec, he needs to hear his voice.

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Alec feels his phone buzz against his thigh and he wastes no time in pulling it out of his front pocket.  Every time he had felt his phone buzz in the past few days, he had been eager to see if it was Magnus. This time it was. He read over Magnus’ text too many times to count, and within the next two minutes, he had put Jace in charge and was headed for the loft.

He didn’t know what he was going to say, or what Magnus would say, but all he knew was that Magnus wanted to see him. He definitely wasn’t going to turn that request down. Alec literally ran to the loft, not walked, but ran. All that he was thinking about was Magnus, Magnus is on his fucking mind, and when he gets close to Magnus’ loft, he stands and looks at the building for a few moments before walking in. “Okay Alec, you can do it. Go in.” And he does. He walks through the doors to the building and finds himself in front of Magnus’ door, his hand heavy when he knocks.

Magnus opens the door. When he does, Alec takes a good look at him and he feels sad. He never wanted Magnus to feel sad, and he can see the bags under his eyes. He can tell that the man in front of him hasn’t slept. Without thinking, he reaches his arms out and pulls Magnus in for a hug, a big crushing hug. “I missed you so much.”

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After Magnus had opened the door, he took a good, long look at Alec. The Shadowhunter looked exhausted, his hair was a mess, he looked as if he hadn’t slept in days, and Magnus could relate to that. He hadn’t realized how much he depended on Alec to sleep at night. But all his thoughts were thrown out the window when Alec wrapped his arms around him in a hug, a big hug that could literally squeeze the life out of Magnus, but he felt safe, he felt at home. He wrapped both of his arms around Alec, his head resting on the taller man’s shoulder, finally feeling at ease for the first time in days. He let out a few tears because, god, he missed his boyfriend. He missed holding him and breathing in the scent of him. He missed feeling safe and loved.

Alec pulled back and just looked into Magnus’ eyes. They weren’t glamoured, and damn, he looked so fucking beautiful. “I need to explain. I’m so fucking sorry for lying to you. It’s my fault that this happened. If I didn’t lie then this wouldn’t have happened. Magnus, I’m so fucking sorry. It’s been so tough without you and-“ Alec can’t even talk anymore, he needs to kiss him. So that’s what he does. He pushes Magnus up against the wall, so desperate to finally touch his boyfriend again, and he kisses him with all he has. His kiss is saying everything he can’t put into words, “I’m so fucking sorry.” “I love you so much.” “Please, let’s work this out.”

Magnus felt horrible because his beautiful Alexander was beating himself up for all of this, and while Alec shouldn’t have lied,  this wasn’t Alec’s fault. He just listened to Alec speaking and he shook his head, muttering under his breath, “You stupid Nephilim.” And when Alec pushed his back against the wall, he wasn’t complaining. He missed Alec, he missed Alec’s kisses and his lips and his soft breath in between kisses. So when Alec pushed his lips against his own, he kissed the Shadowhunter back with everything he had. He missed everything about the man in front of him, and he didn’t realize how much he actually couldn’t live without him until he was there in front of him, and he realized then that he never wanted to spend another day without Alec by his side.

Alec pulled back from the kiss and looked at Magnus, lifting his chin up, and cupping his cheeks. “Let’s work this out okay? I can’t do this without you Magnus, I love you so much. I’m all for effort.” Alec gave Magnus a smile and gave him one last peck on the lips.

[heartfed]

        -- HC. some ramblings & analysing about his attitude towards canon battles & what he feels about fighting !! put under read more bc there’s lots of rambling & giving examples & whatnot & justifying / explaining my own interpretations about kakuzu’s personality. warning that this is mostly based on the manga, although some anime references will be made.

         -- first of-- yes, while it is true that kakuzu usually abstains from fighting at the beginning & lets hidan do all the work, i believe that’s an strategical tactic of his rather than his lack of initiative to get into fights. 

        -- kakuzu is a violent & impatient man by nature. he’s killed his previous partners in cold blood merely because they either annoyed him, or they had a large bounty on their heads. while only presented in the anime, when carrying chiriku’s body he’s seen swinging a hidan ( with the intention to cause damage, seeing the impact it had against his scythe ) merely because the other refused to carry the body for him-- because he refused him & i believe also extra, unnecessary commentary was made. it’s been stated multiple times that the only reason hidan’s still his partner is because, despite his will, kakuzu literally can’t kill him ( & honestly i believe he’s tried to more than once ).

        -- during their first partially seen battles, such as the ones with yugito & chiriku, kakuzu is seen ( or is assumed to ) abstain from battling & allowing hidan to do all the work, instead focusing on evading the attacks / standing off on the side. & honestly i believe this might potentially be his own tactic of dealing with things-- his own way of dealing with hidan & his religion. giving him something to ‘sacrifice’ to his so-called god will reduce the chances of him complaining / talking about his religion later on during their travels. if hidan can manage to get a bounty without him having to do anything is like killing two birds w/ one stone tbh. all kakuzu has to do is rile up hidan enough that, even though hidan himself might be unmotivated to fight, he’ll massacre everything & everyone ( ik hidan isn’t a complete idiot, but he’s still willing to get into the fights kakuzu sets up for him, seeing as how he’s ended up sacrificing everyone in the end in both cases ). seeing as how he’s stuck with hidan as his partner, he’s bound to have found a few ways he so can actually deal with having him around without having the urge to kill him 24/7.

        -- during the asuma fight, there are many reasons why he didn’t fight from the beginning. one was, probably, his own way of being petty & teaching hidan a lesson. in my own opinion, he views hidan as a child, that usual old adult & teen duo & he treats him as such. having just previously refused to do something for him & continuously ignoring his warnings of ‘ don’t let your guard down ‘, kakuzu’s probably pissed as all hell at hidan. following the ‘ stay out of my fight ‘ that the other gave him moments before to a more serious level & standing by & watching hidan get beheaded / beaten the shit out of even after the other begrudgingly asked for his help, is his own way of teaching hidan to listen to what others ( his elders ) tell him & how to properly ask for help ( he goes as far as to tease him w/ stuff, saying, ‘ what did i tell you ‘ & ‘ do you think this is the right time to be yelling at me like that ? ‘, almost in an attempt to make hidan realize what he’s done wrong ). 

        -- another reason’d be just basic battle strategy. they’re ambushed & surrounded by shinobi who have anticipated them, seemingly researched / have previous knowledge on them & have reinforcements on the way, while the zombie duo have just found out they have people after them & don’t know how many numbers they’ll have to deal with & how much the other’s know about their abilities while they know nothing about the enemy. it would just be dumb for a battle veteran like kakuzu to jump in right away & revealing both his & hidan’s abilities-- especially so when he realizes that the enemy has shikamaru, someone who’s able to come up with well-thought out strategies mid-battle & has amazing analytical skills. instead of revealing all their cards, he uses hidan & his immortality, as a guinea pig to be victim to all of the enemies techniques & allow him to analyze better the situation & what they’re up against-- it’s a plus if hidan manages to take out some of them & they use up all their chakra on him, since that makes it easier for kakuzu later on. & had pein not called them back, the plan would have worked-- asuma was dying & unable to battle, izumo & kotetsu would have died by his hand, shikamaru emptied out all his chakra & was mentally unstable because of the mental stress of seeing his mentor & parental figure on the verge of death right before his eyes ( he’s 16-17 ffs & he watching his cherished teacher die ). even with reinforcements, kakuzu has already been seen easily overpowering ino & chouji in battle & the other two would have been no problem had he used his earth grudge fear. 

        -- kakuzu is a guy who’ll do anything to attain what he desires & is willing to fight for it at any moment & will lose himself in moments of rage ( seeing as how he attacked with the intention to kill when against naruto, even though orders said he was supposed to capture him alive ). in his data-book it’s written that ‘ he wished to fight anyone with a high bounty ‘, & throughout the manga he’s seen going out of his way to take back what he deemed his ( fighting for asuma’s dying body & stating he wasn’t up to giving away his bounty ). had konoha taken back chiriku before they gave the body to zangei, 100% kakuzu would have fought them to get it back.

        -- last but not least this is a single-muse blog-- i don’t have a hidan in this blog for kakuzu to use as a tool for his own needs in threads meant solely for two muses. so when on his own & confronted with someone with a rather high bounty & there’s no one he can use for his own ideals, he can & will get out of his way to fight tooth & nail for it.

        -- tl;dr; kakuzu is a violent, cunning & strategical man & his short-tempered nature doesn’t change it. he’s also got a somewhat manipulative nature. he will fight whenever given a chance for what he desires & won’t allow anything trivial ( i’m saying trivial bc he did listen to pein when he told them to back off, yet didn’t give a shit about konoha’s reinforcements when fighting for asuma’s body ) get in his way.