#beca rambles

[hereforthehitsbaby]

Hug your American friends today. We are not doing well.

[gentil-minou]

Since the start of 2023 my reaolution has been to leave more comments on fics (well actually I started this in 2022 but I've been more consistent now) and omg it's the best thing???? Like instead of flailing after I finish a fic I get to flail in the comments???? And just go insane with my love for the story and characters in a place where someone else would do the same???? And I think about how hehe this author is gonna love this comment and it makes me so happy. Like o picture them getting the email notification on like a shitty work day or when they're not feeling too good and just having a lovely reason to smile, and I feel so good about it. Especially when the story was finished years ago, like a "hey look you! Your story is still changing lives and touching hearts!!!" And its just the greatest thing and the best feeling and this is just a reminder to always leave comments even the fewest kindest words can mean the world to someone else

[karmaajr]

omg, y'all?? did anybody else realise how beca is basically the mum of the belas??

[ridiculously-over-obsessed]

Found a picrew and I couldn't resist making my favourite doctor/nurse AU duo, the brain rot these gay bitches give me I s2g

[ldh0000]

no tumblr ela me xinga, mas no whats ta assim ó:

e aí @lyvhie ??? 🤨🤨

[sureuncertainty]

i finally watched pitch perfect which was first of all really cool bc i've avoided it for so long bc of the triggering scenes in it but i realized that I've made a lot of progress in my emetophobia and was able to watch with my partner while skipping/muting the bad scenes easily!

but MOST IMPORTANTLY i'm just mad i was unable to watch it for so long bc it was ACTUALLY REALLY GOOD??? i can understand why it's such a millenial cultural touchstone tbh. i'm a slut for acapella and also just movies about music. and hot women. this was made for my theater kid ass

anyway pitch perfect walked so bottoms could run

[angelwiththeblue-box]

me watching pitch perfect age 8: becas dad is kinda mean

my parents: being a parent is hard you’ll understand when ur older

me, age 18: damn becas dad fucking sucks

[demonstars]

dream is literally a caramel macchiato

[hereforthehitsbaby]

I’m gonna be bummed if I don’t get any trick or treaters tonight.

I went all out on candy and a costume for tonight 😭😭

[maevemills]

Estou muito tentada a comprar um bilhete para ir ver o Holy Grail dos Monty Python naquela cena do cinema ao ar livre ao pé do largo do carmo.

[karmaajr]

beca and chloe are so gay for eachother

[truegoist]

LOVE LANGUAGES - quality time warnings;; gn reader. both of u are downbad(🤢🤢) . u kiss also. 1.3k words

RIN ITOSHI isn’t the most affectionate person by nature, the extreme drive for his soccer carrier has left the man stranded the permanent aggravated expression that runs through the itoshi bloodline definitely doesn’t help

in all senses, rin itoshi is not the one you expect to appear at your door, 4 in the morning.

For a couple of minutes you just stare at eachother, him fully dressed and annoyingly awake; you in your pajamas and hardly aware at your presence on earth.

“It’s my birthday” is what he says simply. “Why are you not ready” Perhaps it’s just you, but the tone in his voice seems even more agitated than usual.

“Ready for what rin?” You can see the white fog of your breath as you exhale, you don’t want to be mean to the boy on his birthday but he really is challenging his chances

“You said we’d hang out at four. It’s already four thirty five and you aren’t even ready” His tone is harsh. Accusing. But in those teal eyes that had always resembled glaciers to you now look melted down, you can tell deep down the reason for his bother is different than your so called lack of punctuality.

You can tell he’s afraid you may have forgotten about a plan that meant so much to him. He’s afraid you may not even care about it, or him. He’s terrified to not mean half as much to one person he cares about.

He won’t ever voice it. But somehow you know, or perhaps you hope that this is what he thinks; that he longs for you as much as you do for him.

It’s stupid really, how your heart fluttered at the sight of him in your door or how you can’t even bring yourself to be properly mad at him.

That’s cute and all but that doesn’t change the fact that you planned to sleep a good 2 more hours.

“Rin” you finally speak again “I meant 4 pm why would you think- How long have you even been awake for?”

A small oh leaves the strikers lips as he looks at you, dumbfounded. It appears that normally people don’t arrange meetings before dawn only occurring to him now.

With the new emotion in his face rin quite resembles a stray puppy, so much you suddenly get the urge to coddle him

“Well do you want to come inside? We can eat breakfast or something”

He trails behind you to kitchen, with how long you’ve two been friends rin knows the way as good as his own and it’s him who takes the lead on your small walk towards kitchen.

crack

The egg falls to the pan with a satisfying sound, normally you’d have gone with something easier like cereal but the mr sportsman seated in your kitchen now is determined to force his stupidly healthy diet onto you as much as he can.

Despite all his protests and attempts to help you have him sat near the table as you prepare everything. It’s half because it’s his special day and half because he’s a complete disaster in kitchen(perhaps more the later than first).

While doing so you’ve been rambling on and on about whatever comes to your mind to fill his silence, on small changes in your life, school, a show you liked, the cute cat you saw on the street yesterday… Perhaps with someone else this could feel like a monologue but it’s different with rin; maybe it’s the way how he always looks so concentrated on whatever you say, or the way he always remembers everything you’ve told to the smallest detail. Or maybe it’s just your feelings for him that make this enjoyable for you

Whatever it is, it’s how it goes between you two: you talk, and he listens. Aside from the cynical remarks here and there, talking isn’t his thing. Even if sometimes you wished it was, you wished that for once he’d be the one to talk, be the one to tell the words you never brought yourself to speak to him.

With a tap on your shoulder that caught you off guard, you almost hit the man on the face. And you probably would’ve if he didn’t caught your hand midair.

Maybe it’s because you were too caught upon telling whatever story you were on or maybe it was because the eerily quiet way rin moves for a man his size but you only notice how close he has gotten to you at this moment.

So you can almost feel the warmth emitting of his skin. So close you can hear his breath. And suddenly, you’re hyper aware of the way your very own heartbeat seems to quicken.

Perhaps it’s because it’s so early in the morning, but there’s something just so romantic about this moment; how close you two are, how the newly setting sunshine dances on his face.

You need serious help.

“Sorry did I bore you?” Once again, you’re the one to break the silence. Yes that must be it, he was just bored with you talking all the time. You should stop dreaming.

He blinks a few times, it’s evident he finds even the suggestion of such idea absurd “I enjoy listening to you (name), I thought you knew that” you hate yourself for it but even those simple words gives you such euphoria that it practically overwhelms you. Plus he still hasn’t let go of your wrist.

You have to leave before you do something seriously stupid. Like pour your heart out to rin itoshi

“That reminds me! I got something for your birthday,” You originally planned to give it to him much later, but you’re desperate and you need out “it’s upstairs if you’d let me go I can just run real quick and ge-”

“Don’t want it”

His grasp on your wrist is now much more firm, it contrasts the previous gentleness of his touch towards you. Rin has always treated you with fragility that it’s only now you realize how strong he actually is.

“I told you I don’t want you to buy me anything” his bright, teal eyes look more like a turquoise as the sun hits them, leaving you captivated by them even in this moment “But if you’re that insistent on giving me something then um…”

His newly found confidence starts to die down as he mutters the next bit “if you really want to gift me…you can give me something else” the last part is said in such low whisper that you’re sure you wouldn’t be able to hear it if weren’t for how close you two are right now. Maybe your eyes are playing a game to you right now but you can see red on his cheeks.

You must be dreaming. Or it’s that you aren’t fully awake right now and can’t think clearly, because there’s no way the rin itoshi is saying what you think he is

Fuck it, you’ve waited long enough

Your pull on him is harsher than you intended, your lips practically to crash to each other but neither of you seem to care. His body is warm against yours, and he tastes of mint.

You’re not sure how long have passed, maybe a few minutes, maybe an eternity. Or perhaps it was just a moment, shorter than one blink.

Before you can even process what just happened, you’re hit with another shock; he is smiling

rin itoshi is smiling. not a know it all “I said so”type of smirk. not a forced one.

But one that creeps bigger and bigger as he stares to you, mimicking the way red blossoms to his cheek. Yours probably aren’t much different right now either

At that moment one sentence slips out of your mouth;

“Happy birthday rin”

[midnightmah07]

daiggie's intro post ––✧

'Daiggie' is the ship name for my main oc x canon of Daisy and Ruggie, Daisy being my Yuu/MC based on Cinderella.

In this intro post I'll be sharing their relationship timeline, as well as a few random fun facts about them. This is mostly because I want to ramble about them, and because I think it's a nice way for newcomers to learn about them if they're interested! (⁠◡⁠ ⁠ω⁠ ⁠◡⁠) ♡

How'd they start?

Ruggie and Daisy officially met in book 2 as per canon storyline. During their first interaction (not counting the one where Ruggie used his UM to get Grim's sandwich) they felt attracted to one another, but since it was just physical attraction they paid it no mind, especially because they quickly made wrong assumptions about each other. Ruggie believed the "pretty Ramshackle prefect" was a boring goody goody and a pushover, while Daisy thought the "cute hyena from Savanaclaw" was simply an insensitive and cowardly thief. Ruggie stole Daisy's earrings during the part where HeartShackle chases him as a way to mock/tease her, and this made her dislike him even more because her pearl earrings were from her mother.

Daisy's ideas and thoughts about Ruggie started changing during Leona's OB. All of Daisy's prejudices against Ruggie changed once she saw him being almost killed by Leona but refusing to give up regardless; his will to move forward and his perseverance made Daisy start to admire him as an individual, and in a way relate to him because she also always strived for a better life back home.

As a way to apologize for judging him too fast she started trying to help him heal his arm, but Ruggie didn't feel comfortable with the idea, so Daisy told him that if he felt more comfortable with it, she could help him take care of his arm in exchange for her earrings back. He begrudgingly accepted but even after that Daisy kept checking on him because she was still worried about his arm.

In book 3 Ruggie still not accepting when it came to Daisy's help. He felt uncomfortable with her trying to take care of his health because in his mind there's no way she's doing it out of the goodness of her heart, so, when Daisy came asking with Jack for a place to her and Grim to say, he immediately went to convince Leona, telling him his injury was making it hard for Ruggie to fulfill his chores at Savanaclaw, and that Daisy could be a good help. After Leona let they stay Ruggie made it known that he only helped because he felt like he needed to do something to pay her back for her aid.

During the events of book 3, because Daisy and Grim were also helping Ruggie around Savanaclaw with his chores, they naturally became close. Daisy surprised Ruggie for showing that she was actually really helpful despite looking like "a spoiled princess", and he grew curious of her because of that. It was during this time that Daisy felt comfortable with him to share her life story before coming to Twisted Wonderland, and both of them bonded over the fact that they were orphans and needed to look after themselves from an early age. Their differences were on how Daisy clung to her parents' teachings of "have courage and be kind" while Ruggie grew learning to trust only on himself and the little family he had left.

At the end of book 3, after Azul's OB, Daisy finally allowed her body to feel tired and she immediately passed out. She had been trying to deal with Azul's contract, working at Savanaclaw and last time she stayed awake to force Leona to help her and Grim get Ramshackle back. She had been doing too much and she finally let her body feel it, so she passed out. Ace and Deuce immediately tried to pick her up and go to the infirmary, but Ruggie said he'd carry her since it was partially his fault that this happened.

After the ADeuce duo and Grim left Daisy and Ruggie alone in the infirmary for a while, he opened his heart to her for the first time and told her it was nice to have her back at Savanaclaw, not only because of the help but because he really did enjoy her company. He told her she was definitely not what he thought she was, and said he was looking forward to seeing more of her at campus. This is when both of them realized they started having feelings for each other.

In between book 3 and 4 Ruggie started being 'nicer' to Daisy. He usually helped her around, asking for minor favors in return that didn't mean much in the grand scheme of things, and after a while Ruggie started giving Daisy some of his food (mostly he gave her desserts the cafeteria would give to students, claiming he "didn't like it". They were usually pumpkin flavored because Daisy had told him her favorite food was pumpkins). This made basically everyone question him and lift an eyebrow to what their relationship was exactly, while Ruggie denied it by simply saying that Daisy's just a good friend who helped him out a lot, so he's paying her back. He said this because he never truly believed Daisy could ever feel the same way that he does, maybe she could like someone like Leona, Vil or Malleus if they ever happened to meet but him? Nope, impossible.

Meanwhile Daisy was left very flustered and very confused. She knew Ruggie wasn't the type to do this sort of thing for just anyone, but was she really that egocentric to believe that he might like her back? He was incredible, and she was just a useless magicless girl, there's no way he'd feel the same... But everyone kept telling her that he probably did, so she worked up the courage to tell him that she liked him.

One day Daisy confronted Ruggie about how he was acting and he obviously said it was just because he wanted to pay her back for all the help at Savanaclaw, but Daisy insisted, saying that she liked him, and that if he was trying to do all of this to win her that he should be more direct about it and just ask her on a date. She felt super embarrassed and self conscious after she said that but she stood there waiting for an answer regardless, and Ruggie said he would, but that she shouldn't expect anything too grand or expensive because ya know... He's broke.

After that they went on exactly 2 dates, and on the second one they had their first (very, very, VERY awkward) kiss and Ruggie asked her to be his girlfriend officially. They've been together ever since!

Fun & random facts

Daisy and Ruggie agreed to date each other a bit more casually (not in the sense of seeing other people, because they were just interested in each other, but in the sense of if they happened to break up then "that's just life") at first because Daisy was still trying to go back to her world, but they very much underestimated their feelings for each other since after a month or two they were in wayyy too deep.

Daisy and Ruggie's love languages overlap a lot, with both of them being very into physical touch, quality time and acts of services.

Daisy has the tendency to make a bit of extra food whenever she can to gift to Ruggie. His favorites are her pumpkin pies, a family recipe from her parents.

They both have pet names for each other. Ruggie calls Daisy "blossom", "pumpkin" and "princess" (this last one is more in a joking way), while Daisy calls him "love", "dear", "Rugs" and "RugBug" (again, this last one is in a joking way lol).

Ruggie started walking Daisy to her class every morning so they can spend at least this amount of time together if he happens to get busier during the day (which mostly happens). Yes, Grim's complaining the entire time about being a third wheel.

I went a bit crazy once and made them soulmates... Daisy and Ruggie had constant dreams about each other a few weeks before Daisy came to Twisted Wonderland, but they didn't recognize they were seeing each other after much, much later, so when they first meet they have a sense of deja vu.

Daisy DOES stay in Twisted Wonderland bc I'm too attached to everyone and because I'm a sucker for happy endings.

All the content I post for them in this account can be found under the #💙! daiggie tag! If for some reason you're not sick of them (ily) I have posted a few of my stories about them in my writing account @mahs-dumpster <3

The dividers for this post can be found here.

[acaciusbride]

Taboo - Tommy Miller x AFAB!F!Reader

Summary: Your herbal anxiety remedy gives you an unexpected side effect. Luckily, your lover doesn't mind.

Word Count: 1.1k

Warnings: lactation / unprotected p in v / breeding / infidelity - Tommy is cheating on Maria with Reader / Reader is AFAB & capable of lactating / Reader can be read as any race or body type / smut / dirty talk / big girthy unspecified age gap / self indulgent taboo AF

Your tits ache under your lover’s warm touch. Hot and heavy, a side effect of the herbal tisane you brew to keep your anxiety at bay. Sure, you aren’t anxious anymore, but your tits hurt, and you’re so fucking horny that you think you might actually die if you don’t get what you need.

You’re straddling Tommy’s lap, feel the hot, heavy weight of his cock pressed between you as you run your fingers through ink black curls, let him kiss down your throat, to the soft curve of one breast as two of his thick, callused fingers explore your drenched cunt.

You’re soaking his fingers, his lap, his cock when he drags you along it. Your tits ache again, and you whimper.

“Tommy…” you whine, “hurts…”

“Where does it hurt, honey?” He mumbles into your skin, nuzzles into the soft skin of your tits; he can’t help himself; your nipples are so hard, begging for his mouth. He doesn’t wait for an answer before he sucks a pebbled nipple into his mouth, biting down gently.

You moan as his skilled tongue circles the bud, as one big hand moves to massage the sensitive skin as he sucks.

A sudden burst of sweetness hits his tongue, and he moans, low and deep against your tit as he sucks harder.

“Oh my god…” you feel your cheeks burning as you realise what’s happening; then you feel his cock throbbing between you and you realise. He isn’t remotely turned off by this. Not remotely. No. He’s into it. Badly.

Without removing his mouth from your nipple, he slides his fingers out of you, presses them wordlessly to your mouth. Obediently, you suck them clean, moaning at the taste of yourself.

“Fuck,” he groans against your tit, releasing your nipple with a lewd pop, “honey, if you don’t come sit on my cock right fuckin’ now…”

He shifts you, both hands on your hips to lift you up, notch the thick, blunt, dripping head of his cock at your cunt before he pulls you down, head tilted back, eyes half closed as he feels your velvet soft walls envelope him.

“Thaaaat’s it, honey, you take my cock like a good girl…” he groans, eyes still half closed as he leans down, scooping the warm flesh of your breast into his big hand to drag back to his hot, greedy mouth.

You cry out for him as he sucks insistently at your tits, alternating every now and then, massaging the soft globes as you bounce on his cock.

It’s lewd and filthy; you’re entirely naked in his lap, while the only thing out of place on him is his hair, which you’d pulled out of its messy bun at first opportunity, wanting nothing more than to run your fingers through it.

It’s the only mark you can give him. You hope that when he’s at home with his bitch of a wife later tonight and brushing out those curls, he remembers you dragging your fingers through them. Hope he remembers how tight your pussy is around his cock. How blissed out and pussy drunk he looks right now, massaging your tits while he drinks you down like a fine wine.

“Tommy Tommy Tommy -“ you chant his name like a filthy prayer as he ruts up into you, the thick curve of his cock kissing your cervix with each thrust.

“You’re gonna make me cum, honey. That what y’want? Want me t’ suck these sweet tits until the ache goes away? Want me to fill up this pretty pussy?”

“Fuck, yes!” You cry out, so loud he has to clamp a hand over your mouth.

“Dirty girl, ain’tcha honey? You wanna get caught, don’cha? Wanna be caught stuffed full of me…”

He’s mostly rambling to himself now, reaches down between you to rub at your swollen clit with an expert thumb; playing you as well as he plays that guitar of his.

You whimper, because he knows you too well, but your response is cut off by following his gaze to your now neglected tits, to the beads of pearlescent liquid that are gathered and slowly dripping down the curve of your breast.

He groans again; it’s more like a sigh as he leans down, the tip of his tongue catching the droplets as he chases the stream, little kitten licks to your over sensitive nipples that make your cunt clench around his cock as he ruts into you.

“Tommy; I’m gonna -“ you whimper, fingers balling into the fabric of his shirt; you wish you could drag your nails up the solid muscle of his back, but that would raise far too many questions, so you hold back.

“Yeah, honey? Makin’ you feel good? Go on, darlin’, go on and cum all over my cock.” His low voice and the feeling of his cock filling you, kissing your womb, the fresh memory of his greedy mouth on your tits, is enough. More than enough.

Your pussy clamps down on his cock as you cling to him, shaking and whimpering as you ride out your release.

“Ohhh, fuck, Tommy, please-?”

He knows what you want before you even vocalise it; his hot, sweet mouth is back on your tit before you can ask, suckling greedily, relieving that strange, hot ache as he starts to chase his own release now.

The room is silent; only your breathy, mewling pants as you come down from your climax and swiftly reach a second, writhing in his arms as you do. The sounds mingle with his hips smacking firmly into yours, his muffled groans of pleasure, and the lewd suckling sounds of him drinking down the sweet nectar that spills from your tits onto his waiting tongue.

“Fuck, honey,” he groans as he pulls away, leans up to kiss you hard. You can taste the sweetness on his tongue and you whimper again, let him hold you tight against his chest as he thrusts deep, grinds his hips against yours as he spills his spend, hot and thick, into your waiting womb.

“Tommy -!” You gasp, because he’s normally so fucking careful, even if he doesn’t much care anymore.

He looks up at you with an almost devious glint in his doe brown eyes.

“I don’t mind sharing if it means I get to keep tastin’ you.”

You shiver again, but it has nothing to do with the cold. Somehow, you get the feeling he’ll get his wish.

[kailoraurelius]

You guys have been so kind and enthusiastic in this word game we've been playing and so patient waiting for a new chapter. 🙏 Thank you so much for it all. And I'd like to give you a little gift!

I was looking through my WIPs to answer some of the word game prompts and I found my first draft from Beca and Chloe's first kiss in Stained Glass!! it was originally supposed to happen as part of Chapter 6—the scene where Chloe's just gotten out of the tub and she is in Beca's room, talking about if they're going to be okay with kissing each other. This was if they'd gone for it instead of Chloe deflecting and laughing it off. I ended up scrapping it and putting the kiss in later because it felt too early. But the actual moment of the kiss should read familiar because I kept that part for what I published! And the rest of this scene was piecemealed into the rest of the story or other stories over time. So thank you all again, I hope you enjoy this little behind-the-scenes!

But then Beca moves and all of that is gone too. Because Beca is kissing her. It’s soft, barely a brushing of lips, just a whisper of breath on her skin, and Beca rocks back on her heels, rolling her lips together. “Sorry,” she says. “I was gonna answer your question but then I just thought, sack up, dude, and—” Chloe doesn’t remember what her question even was. “It’s—it’s okay, Becs. Stop rambling.” She reaches out, catching Beca’s shoulders with her hooked wrists, possibly to keep her from running away. Because the ground feels a little unsteady right now and she knows Beca doesn’t do unsteady—she’s the most steady person Chloe knows. So she holds onto her and shoves down those butterflies in her chest, clearing her throat. “That was good. Sweet. Thank you?” She doesn’t mean for that last part to sound like a question, but it does and Beca snorts. “You’re welcome, I guess?” She closes one eye, tilting her head and baring her teeth. “Though I don’t think you should thank me after every kiss. Your family will definitely think it’s weird.” She’s joking and the knot in Chloe’s throat loosens. If she’s joking about it, she’s fine. It’s not weird. They can do this and still be best friends when it’s over. A few kisses here and there and they’ll be fine. “Okay, well. We should...try again. I mean—” She rocks Beca’s shoulders back and forth once. “It’s got to seem natural, comfortable, you know?” “Right. Was that not—” “Oh!” Chloe seizes Beca’s cheeks, feeling her earrings pressing against her pinkies. “No, no, that was great! That was very natural and I felt very comfortable. Thank you.” Beca’s fingers wrap around her wrists, tugging her hands down a bit so that they rest on either side of her neck. “Stop thanking me for kissing you. It’s weird, dude.” Chloe laughs. “Okay, I’m sorry. I’ll try to stop. But, um.��� She winks dramatically. “Just in case, we should try again.” “Okay, Beale,” Beca says, eyes narrowing. “I think you might be taking advantage a bit. I mean, I know I’m hot but I ain’t easy, okay? I don’t just give out kisses.” “Oh, so I need to work for it?” And this is simple. Chloe knows how to playfully flirt with Beca. She’s been doing it practically since they met. And Beca’s quick to flirt right back when she’s in the mood to and it’s just their way of communicating sometimes. It’s not weird or different at all. One kiss hasn’t changed anything. Two shouldn’t either. Beca bites her lip, sucking in a breath. “I don’t know. Maybe if I was promised one of your amazing Beale breakfasts tomorrow I’d feel more giving.” And it’s so easy, too easy, to slide right into Beca’s space, looping her arms around the shorter girl’s shoulders. “I can promise that.” “Oh, well then—” Beca’s shoulders flex under her arms and Chloe can picture her fists clenching at her sides. And maybe it’s a little too easy, but Chloe doesn’t focus on that. Beca’s lips press against hers and stay there this time. They’re soft and slide along Chloe’s painfully slow as Beca tilts her head. It’s a weird thing to know about her best friend—that Beca kisses with slightly parted lips, that she breathes in through her nose as she changes the angle of the kiss, that the muscles in her shoulders jump a little when Chloe presses back. That she leaves a hint of her favorite little caramel candies on Chloe’s lips when she pulls away. It’s chaste, just a pressing of lips and Chloe’s arms around Beca’s neck. But she thinks—idly, as she leans back—that she’d rank it as one of her best first (second) kisses of all time. “Better?” It almost sounds like Beca’s voice wavers, but Chloe can’t be certain because she’s still not sure the room isn’t shifting a little. “Much,” she says, opening her eyes to find Beca smirking at her. She loves that stupid smirk, but she loves wiping it off her face so much more. So she slips out of Beca’s grasp and backs up to the door. “But next time, we should totally use tongue.” Beca’s ears go red all over again and Chloe laughs, pulling the door open and slipping out just as Beca snaps, “Chloe!”

And there it is! What could have been!

[nathaniel-underwood-is-an-intj]

Post Ptolemy's Gate ramble

So I just finished Ptolemy's Gate, thoughts are a bit all over the place and aside from mentioning the obvious I thought I'd dump some thoughts here.

Piper's apathy certainly shocked me. I know she's stressed running the council and she's got loads of organisation to do but oof she sure did come across as cold in her conversation with Kitty. Kitty has that kind of apathetic resignation of grief but it really felt like Piper had already put it behind her despite it only being two days before. Her boss that she worked for died horribly to save them all and she didn't even seem to share a quiet moment of grief with Kitty idk it just felt a little brutal 😅 I had an impression of her being really sweet so I was a bit taken aback.

One thing that really stood out to me was Nathaniel's apathy to the situation, I found it really interesting. I guess something could be said about it being the magician in him.

Nathaniel really has this duality to him, the obvious being Nat vs John Mandrake and of course Nat + Bartimaeus but in chapter 36 part ii something that caught my attention

'it was the feeling of consummate superiority, the delight of power weilded without peril. He danced beneath the night sky, smiting down his enemies.'

It already seems as if he's being elevated to something other- a martyr perhaps, except martyrs have causes and ideals, they do something because they have a strong belief in their justness. And Nathaniel:

'He felt aloof disconnected and alone. If his hatred for demons he had killed was dull and almost matter-of-fact, so was his sympathy for the people whose lives he saved.'

So he seems almost like an avenging angel, I love the religious imagery, especially because it seems to call back to Bartimaeus comparing his body to a holy mosque. But also divine rage is the driving force for an avenging angel and he's no longer even angry at the destruction caused.

'Pride spurred him on.' this almost makes him seem God-like?? His sole motivator is the pride of a deity, and I love that. But it's also just very true to him as a boy, pride spurred him on against Lovelace and against Duval and Whitwell.

When he's alone with Bartimaeus he's taken on this air of not being entirely human. He feels alone and solitary from everything including humaity. But when he rejoins Kitty, Piper and the rest of the magicians waiting for him he's reinvigorated - 'he felt a surge of joyful impatience - 'he would detroy Nouda, rescue the commoners and return to Kitty.' it seems as though he has to be surrounded by people to remind himself he's one of them. It could be seen as an effect of sharing a mind with Bartimaeus, but of course it could be Nathaniel's own human pride and his memories of being othered even as a child. Just gives the impression of this human / higher entity duality.

But also I partly got the impression that this hints to depression- I'm sure it's hardly out of the realm of possibility for Nat to have it. Though it's never stated I think several moments in the books make a good argument for it, including the above- just the numbness to everything. And I guess the sudden change in demeanor at 'surge of joyful impatience' can be read as hopefulness, but it reminded me of the saying that when people have decided to follow through on their s*icidal ideation they come across as happy and like a weight has been lifted from them. Nathaniel is impressively calm for someone who realises he's gravely injured. And while he can be seen as a martyr or hero for his final actions, the hollowness he felt at that moment gives it a more bitter edge.

I think it's made even more sad when compared to Anthony Lockwood, who has that same sense of pride - because he's trying to make his dead parents proud and because he's trying to hide the fact that he doesn't like himself very much. Nathaniel gives this same impression. And Lockwood at the end had reason to be proud, he uncovered a huge conspiracy, his agency became the most famous in London. And Nathaniel had reason to be proud; he's managing to wield the staff of his childhood hero, something he had dreamed of doing, he's had the bravery to unite with a spirit and he's going to take down the biggest threat to London.

But Lockwood gets something Nathaniel doesn't-

There's this subtle idea seen through Lucy's eyes that Lockwood's biggest achievement was fighting through his s*icidal ideation and discovering he has something to live for, even just seeing his friends again.

And Nathaniel just doesn't get that moment.

He sort of acknowledges that he doesn't have to be a powerful leader, that he doesn't need his colleagues approval, that he doesn't need to erase the fear the commoners have of him and other magicians, but without these things he doesn't know what to do with himself. He has no plan for the future, because even before he's injured the idea of a future doesn't seem to have much appeal to him. He already appears to have given up on trying to uncover who Nathaniel is, depite finally having the opportunity to. Like after everything- being beaten, the fear of his colleagues trying to harm him and burying himself in the John Mandrake persona to protect his sensitive side- he doesn't want to uncover the remnants of that boy because he's worried it'll be too difficult to put himself back together.

Or maybe he feels that he already has discovered who Nathaniel is, a deeply unhappy, hollow shell of a person, whose personality has been pulled in so many directions he no longer has a sense of self. He's been stripped back to the barest version of himself and found he doesn't even have the foundations upon which to rebuild himsef. Like discovering dry rot in your walls and you keep pulling and pulling bits of rotting wood away from the home until you've finally got it all, only to realise the house has come down around you- there's nothing left.

He doesn't get this moment where he works through his trauma, where he realises he has a support system, where he realises he's loved. I don't know if Nathaniel ever really knew what it felt like to be loved. I don't think he did. Ptolemy's death was awful and heartbreaking but his short life was filled with affection. And Lockwood realises people do care about him, depite being told that no one does. It hurts so much that Nat felt isolated and alone his whole life, right up to the last minute. Potential love confessions aside, Nathaniel never got a chance to sit and bathe in the warmness of affection. Like Bartimaeus tells him, it's about 'being not doing.' Nathaniel never got to understand the importance of just being, of simply existing as himself or of being happy. He constantly had to be working on the next goal, the next plan, because if he stops working he'll be forced to sit with his thoughts and realise how unhappy he is. And the thought of that is just too much to bear, it's so much easier to give in.

The ending gave the impression of being very romantic, while sad. Nathaniel gets to be remembered as a hero and never has to confront the consequences of his actions with wars in Europe and America that he had a direct role in. Acknowledging his role and dealing with fallout are two very different mountains to climb. And I think that idea of dying like a hero perfectly appeals to Nathaniel's prideful tendencies, and maybe he views it that way to hide the fact it's a convenient way out of his unhappiness and confronting what he's done. It's quite interesting to see that after he's been stripped back to nothing and can't figure out who or what he wants to be if he gets the chance, he still has that vanity and arrogance to him- despite not really being good character traits, they're so authentically Nathaniel, he's been that way right from the start and it's nice little peak of the real him at the end, being so humanly flawed.