#bear in mind i remember homestuck very vaguely and badly so if there are any inconsistencies to the plot sorries🥺🥺

[snivel1]

And meet the Alpha Lenore...

Cinthra Lenore!🔒

A friendly ghost(?) haunting Dirk's apartment!

More about them under the cut!

The Post-Scratch Cynthia knew that she would not survive the rebellion against The Condesce, but he wanted his potential sibling to live and maybe save what they have already lost, so they begged Dave for one last favor, to first send her blood binding chains through time to Jade with the instructions to bind whoever had Cynthia's blood in the future to wherever it would guarantee their survival

It was a suicide mission, as Cynthia wanted his sibling to Live, so along with her blood, she wanted to send her heart

Dave was vehemently against the idea, but he knew he Had to do this, for his friend... It was the least he could do in that situation

So through time and space Cynthia's chains went, finding Cinthra and binding them to Derse, increasing their chances of godtiering and surviving, and consequently to their residence in the real world, a.k.a. under the Strider's apartment

A.k.a. the ocean now

Why? Ask Jade, not me, she found that to be important, probably through her foreseeing powers or something🤷

The first thing Cinthra remembered seeing was complete darkness, they were very young so of course they were scared, and tried to find someone, or something, but all they saw was dark purple for miles as they flew up and up and up, until they finally reached the surface, only to find the land of Derse to be even scarier, and hostile because of her yellow pajamas?, so she hid back into the void

But not for long, as they became less scared and more curious about the world they were in, so they sneakily flew through the kingdom, searching, watching, observing, out of sight

Some kind residents of Derse found them and taught them how to talk, write and socialize, but ultimately Dersian culture was different from human, so they were still unsocialized to humans, and they pretty much didn't know what humans even Were as she hadn't seen any around yet, they only heard about them from Dersians

Somewhere around 13 they started phasing out from their dream self, manifesting in an unfamiliar flooded city, with a chain attached to their ankle not unlike their dream self, but with it going into the depths of the ocean somewhere far away

It was very scary and unfamiliar for them

They felt... weird in that state, not quite there, as usual, but with a constant tug in their heart, at least on Derse they felt more light and free, but here... It felt painful to see the ruins of that city for some reason, like they had some sentimental attachment to that place

They explored the ruins underwater and above, seeing most of the valuable cultural valuables rotting and deteriorating, she didn't really understand why that was happening, but it wasn't bringing her hope

Were they destined to wander this flooded area until the end of time..? They didn't know how to return to Derse at will, as they were constantly awake and couldn't get tired in that undead ghostly state

They wandered the seemingly endless waters, they tried to leave a lot of times, but it seemed like them being bound to this place meant she couldn't fly off too far away

To pass the time, and because they were curious, they tried to track where their chain starts and to what it's attached, to maybe think of a way to break free somehow, and... They found a.. strange, tall, structure, with just the top floor still standing..? That made their curiosity skyrocket, and they wondered if there'd be something interesting in there?

There really WAS something interesting here, similar in structure to theirs that they saw in the mirror on Derse once, but completely different from her, was this a so-called human Dersians spoke of?

So they attempted to communicate with him, to try to touch him, but it only resulted in him shivering and looking around briskly... Could he not see or hear them..? That was devastating for Cinthra, she really wanted to get to know this human better, but it looked like it was going to be hard...

This human was weird, at least to Cinthra, but he watched interesting things sometimes and made some really cool things with his hands that made Cint's head spin, they learned so much from observing Dirk's life(probably not the best learning material)

They tried to communicate with him when he still couldn't see or hear them, by making things in his apartment move, switching lights on and off, not knowing it was a stereotypical thing ghosts did in some movies, and it naturally freaked Dirk out, to put it lightly, making him more alert and paranoid, which made Cint stop, as this wasn't their intention. Dirk just honestly thought he has lost his mind completely in this solitude and started hearing and seeing things

What made Dirk aware of them was his awareness of his dream self, and seeing... another dreamer, beside him and Roxy..? And in Prospit's robes..? Calliope never mentioned this to him? What the fuck? Cinthra wasn't awake on Derse at the time, but she Was There, laying on his tower's balcony, chain dangling over the railing and down like freaking Rapunzel's hair

From then on Dirk tried to find ways to communicate with them too, and Cint couldn't be more happier! He briefly considered letting them inhabit one of his robots, but didn't want to risk breaking them. Lil Hal and Cal were naturally off limits too, so he tried to make an interpretator for Cint to communicate through

Which did help for some time, but their communication wasn't the best, as Cinthra had little context of human etiquette and the like, so Hal decided to teach them! Who knows how much intentional misinformation he fed them ^_^ but he did teach her the gist of it, before Dirk banned Hal from teaching them anything for a time being

They then used the modified interpretator in their future adventures to communicate while apart, as it seems Cinthra left a mind link to this device when they inhabitated it for a while in the past

A year later Dirk started hearing them, but still not seeing them, which still was an improvement in their eyes. It was very weird for him to hear another human voice besides his own, even if this voice came echoing through the whole room from a ghost(..?), they talked, but not a lot, because Cinthra genuinely knew little about human interests, but was willing to learn, so they both explored the internet(good idea? no. but what else was there) and watched shows together, Cint pointed out interesting things they found that Dirk could salvage from the ruins, and Dirk talked about his friends and their interesting lives: Cint really wanted to meet them herself one day!

Cinthra genuinely felt awful that she couldn't help Dirk in any meaningful way, they couldn't control the environment enough to make a difference, and it was eating them from the inside when Dirk looked like he'd need help, no matter how many times Dirk told them he was fine on his own

With time and guidance from Dirk on Derse, Cinthra figured out how to semi-materialize in the real world by Waking Up completely, and she pretty much looked like a glowy semi-transparent ghost now irl, which was better than being just a detached voice I guess

They modified their appearance based on trends and fashion they liked online, and Dirk's and Roxy's advice

They also couldn't really understand gender and its importance to people, but she does consider herself queer, they generally use whatever pronouns they feel like, but more or less prefer "they", and they genuinely don't care about what you call them

From that time on Dirk established more boundaries, because seeing them inside his house so often was Different than just hearing them, and they tried their best to abide by them, even if they didn't really understand why at first

Were they friends? Just codependent teens in a bad situation? It was hard to tell, especially because of how bad their communication was sometimes

When Cint learned that Dirk was neglecting himself(they couldn't tell because they only really have context of human beings through Dirk and shitty shows, so Hal told them), they were devastated. Why didn't Dirk look after himself properly? Doesn't he know better?? So they made it their job to remind him to eat, drink water, take breaks and whatever else he was neglecting himself on. Dirk found their "nagging" pretty annoying and meddling, and sometimes wished he could learn to exorcise ghosts just to have some peace: he knows what he's doing and he's fine, surely🙄

But at the end of the day, Dirk thinks that, if not for his friends and Cinthra's company, he would probably not be here anymore.

In his fucking insane plan to save everyone, he had to include getting Cint out of these chains(good call that Jade bound Cinthra to Derse, huh? it's as if she knew💅), which he succeeded in doing, because he's Dirk Motherfucking Strider and he's fucking insanely cool💪‼️

It was very, very, very unusual for Cinthra to actually Be Alive, they had to manually breathe, eat, drink and rest, and they had to learn to walk normally and everything... They understood Dirk's struggle with it all now, but probably not completely... Eating and resting was awesome!!! They became a quick fan!!

And to say they were grateful for Dirk saving them would be a real fucking understatement, it would be like saying nothing. They were forever grateful for him, they would fight for him and protect him till the end of time, he literally gave them a real chance in life, no one could ever compare to him for her, no matter how many times Dirk told them it wasn't a big deal, that they're overreacting, that he didn't deserve to be thanked so much; they'd forever be indebted to him

They were really happy to finally meet Dirk's friends!!! If only it was under better circumstances though..

Cinthra became friends with them all quickly, as Cint's really sympathetic, emotional and very curious about everything and everyone, it was really a mystery how Dirk and Cint even coexisted with such different attitudes for so long

Cinthra really respected Jane, as she seemed mature and put together at first, but turned out to be an oddball herself! She finds her funny, sweet and dependable, and cares for her a lot, and will Never forgive The Condesce for what She did to her

Oh Roxy.. these two quickly befriended each other, both their excitable natures in harmony together, they talked and bonded a lot! Cinthra is really sympathetic towards her struggles and comforted her through a lot of stuff. Cint respects her a lot, and will protect her with her life!!💪 It seems like Roxy has a crush on them, and they like her too! Maybe when the dust settles down they'll be able to explore their relationship further🥹

Cint is really understanding towards Jake, as his struggles really resonate with her own feelings. If nobody got Jake, Cinthra got him!!🙏 Cint actively asks him about his adventures and interests, and hopefully helps him out of that persona he's playing up with patience and care

They... don't know how to feel when they meet Cynthia. Cindy can't have her chains out in front of them, as they get scared from how familiar they look and feel, but overall, they try to reconcile, even if Cinthra never knew they even have a sister in the first place, but Cynthia was 100% hyperventilating about it(Cinthra really looks like her Big Sister that died before her eyes, give her a break)

It's easy for them to become friends or at least good acquaintances with almost everyone, but even he has a limit of course, especially if someone harms their close friends

Cinthra is a Prince of Mind, and they're great at pointing out and untangling logical and emotional inconsistencies in people's opinions even though they don't realize they're doing exactly that most of the time

They and Dirk both felt quite weird about them both being Princes, have they rubbed off on each other too much(in different directions)? Cint modified their outfit to differentiate from Dirk to the point of not looking like a Prince at all, but they were more comfortable like that! They don't even think it matters, like, at all

Most would call them naive and oblivious, but they're very observant and sensitive to people's feelings and motives and can adjust their approach to them accordingly

She can generally find an approach to anyone, just give him a goddamn second; they have a pretty high emotional maturity, considering they grew up next to Dersians and the most emotionally constipated guy ever

They're able to leave mind links to objects that have sentimental value to them and others; is Lil Hal considered an object? Probably not, but they're able to communicate with him through their mind link with the glasses, sort of like a virus but harmless; with a mind link she's able to track and locate said objects, even if they're somewhere in the Void or something(not like they'll be able to retrieve said objects from that Void themselves ofc, but some navigation never hurt anyone)

They can also create mind links with people and other living beings, and yes, it's weird for both parties, and it's a lot harder for Cint to locate a person, their link jumbled because of the other person's complex thoughts and feelings; it's a lot easier if they're close friends and trust and know each other well though

They accidentally realized that they have the power to make someone forget certain things, and quickly regretted this and felt extremely bad and guilty until they were able to undo it, and even after they continuously apologized to the affected person

They can break convictions by empathetic and emotional conversations and ruthless facts at the same time; they'll call you out on your bullshit and tell you you're only human and that they understand where you're coming from

They're easy to manipulate if a person fakes good intentions to make them believe or do something, especially if said person is close to them, she has complete faith in her friends and never doubts them

They were probably mind-controlled by The Condesce at some point because of their capabilities of mass memory erasement used in propaganda

They're always curiously exploring different worlds, cultures, people's emotions and feelings, finding deep sentimental value in learning and preserving knowledge about living beings and their influence on the worlds they live in!

Overall, Cinthra is a very curious and loving soul that's learning how to Human!!🥹

Ref sheet with clear colors of both her dead and alive selves!!👇

[mootmuse]

was just struck with the urge to do a hopefully only mildly melancholic ye olde fashioned blog post about intimacy. hope none of y’all browsing right now on your phones

I remember sharing a bed with my best friend when I was a kid. I’ve never had closeness like that since. I remember, vaguely, laying there in the dark at my house, me with my own blanket and her with hers because she was a blanket thief. I remember laying in her house at the foot of the bed, and I think the logical reason was because there was more room that way but I seem to remember thinking I was laying there at her feet like a dog and being ashamed at how subservient I always was - she was always the dominant personality, and I never minded her as much as I was a little ashamed of me. But I liked it, too, a part of it, laying there at her feet like that. My memory is terrible, I don’t remember laying next to her with the clarity I’d like to, and I’m not sure if the sense of intimacy is there in the memory just because I want it to be. 

I’m not that good at social shit. Part of it’s because I don’t want to be - I don’t know anyone at work who I trust or feel comfortable enough with that spending time performing humanity for would be anything but a chore, and I’m way too low on energy to waste my free time on someone I have to perform for. Even that’s debatable, the idea that I don’t want to, because if I had enough energy that I could act like a normal person, how would I redistribute my effort? For this particular topic the why doesn’t matter. The fact is that my behavior, online and in person, does not encourage closeness and it never has, and I don’t see that changing. The other fact is that all the formal hangout groups for people with similar interests, for interests I care enough about to drag myself out of the house for when I ought to be resting, are too far away for me to drive. Technically, I think, about an hour, but the last time my slow, easily confused ass tried to go there it took an hour and forty five minutes just one way. Not something I’m interested in doing once a month, let alone more often. 

People always say, oh, things could change! The common attitude toward optimism is to tell people who are down to blindly hope something good magically happens, and to treat that attitude as normal and expected. But if I’m not changing anything, chances are good that nothing is going to change. 

Which means - no intimacy for me. Not in that particular way. My childhood best friend, she was it. There are millions of different lives happening right now feeling millions of different experiences, some of them are ones that include supportive, intimate companionship, two people setting up the little everyday pieces of a life together, and sealing those pieces together with love and support, and building it up. And mine will very likely not ever be one of them. This is not unusual. Very little, in the vast and varied range of human experience, is really unusual. It’s not unusual, and many people have lived and died in this way, wanting this, and in a sense it is okay, in the way that a lot of the little tragedies of human experience are okay. You say it’s okay because it has to be, because you live with it, because you can be happy, even so, even like this. There can be happiness, and I will be - in a certain specific sense - alone, and it will not pass. And there will be happiness, even so, there will be experiences and there will be life, and so lacking that intimacy becomes one of those things people think of when they tell me, time and time and time again while I’m ringing up their groceries, that they’re okay, or they might as well be, because no one would listen to them complain anyway. It always makes me sad, a little bit, when I hear people say that like it’s normal. Someone might listen, I try to tell them, sometimes, but you can’t really have a serious conversation like that with a total stranger and they probably wouldn’t want to anyway.

My best friend moved away, at one point early in high school. She was sent away. I visited her up there, once, and I remember how powerful it was, just being near her again. Just touching her. Not that I said anything about it at all. Weird, the opportunities you don’t even know are there. Weird to look back years and years later, and want something that didn’t even occur to you, at the time. I think I would have interpreted that feeling differently than I did, if I’d felt it for anyone now. The me of then didn’t even think to make sure she knew I valued it that deeply, just being near her again. Weird to know what to do with that kind of opportunity only when I’ll (likely) never see anything like it with anyone again. 

She moved back after a while, and nothing was the same. I had learned to be my own person away from her. There was affection, but we weren’t close. She’s had a very difficult life, and has ties with our other formerly mutual friends, and I have ties with none of them, and through all the pain of her adulthood haven’t ever been able to do a damn thing for her. She’s not part of my life now. 

Reading fic makes me think of these things, sometimes. Back when I used to read homestuck fic about pale-whatever, I forget what it’s called, those platonic romances with the purpose of two people doing nothing but purely taking care of each other, sometimes it made me ache so badly to put my imagination in that place where my own actions - my own personality, the way I have to prioritize my actions into lack of action to accommodate my lack of ability to do anything at all - will never get me that I couldn’t bear to finish the stories sometimes. 

There’s a lovely story I read recently, about the pairing I”m currently into trying and, for a while failing, to sleep comfortably in the same bed with one another. It was a wonderful story and brought me joy, and on a meta level it was a delightful little reminder that the easy way our favorite pairings tend to slip into each other’s lives wouldn’t realistically be so easy, that one snores terribly, that laying with a head on someone else’s arm can make your neck ache. It started me thinking of my friend. The friend who isn’t in my life anymore. It got me thinking about necessary and creative solutions like each person having their own blanket, and it got me thinking about what - barring the kind of random cause-less positive social-life change which I’ve never been able to believe in - I’ll never have as an adult, that I’ll never have as a clear and certain memory. 

Stories are the only way I’m going to experience any of that. It pales, I know, in comparison to the day to day stresses and difficulties of the real thing. A shining ideal, imperfect in its perfection, in the fictional version’s perceived lack of difficulty. I have this habit, honed over years, of wanting to learn about things just in case. I’ll read this article on mistakes married couples make, how the ones that last act, how to do it right, I’ll read it just in case, and if it happens to me-

I’m trying not to prepare for just in cases anymore. If it happens, I’ll focus on how to do it right when I do it. The fictional version is the only one I’m going to experience. I suppose my next step is figuring out how to put my imagination in that place without putting my situation in with it, too. Can I read about two loving, supportive people without thinking of myself, without thinking I’ll never, without hurting over it to a degree that makes the fiction impossible to totally enjoy? I don’t know. I might as well be able to do that, because hurting over it won’t help me enjoy what fictional, false version of it I’ll have. 

‘Only mildly melancholic,’ I said. Does this count? Compared to posts I’ve written in the past, I think it does. In recent ones I always try to specify: there will be moments of happiness. Not always the kind I want. It will not, most of the time, be enough. Or, worse, sometimes it will be enough and I can go on without it, and problems that don’t absolutely need on pain of immediate consequences to be solved do not get solved. If I don’t need it, I’m never going to get it. How fortunate that I don’t; with my situation, and my personality - not unpleasant, not unlikeable, but damned difficult to make any real bond with - I wouldn’t get it anyway, even if it was an immediate need. 

I guess that sort of explains my fascination with abo. I’ve never been able to finish an abo fic - or like, one out of every 10 I get intrigued enough to read will I finish. Aspects of it and certain patterns within it really don’t work for me, but the idea of having a set place that you don’t have to work for and then not work enough for and then never get, the idea of getting companionship because you straight up can not go without it - isn’t that nice? That idea? The idea of a pain that shows, that shows in such an immediate and desperate way that those outside you with the power to help must help, symptoms that show and, for showing, must be soothed. A fantasy. One that’s always done it for me. No wonder I keep trying with abo, despite my difficulty. 

I don’t know if I’m ready to read about two people building happiness together. I do know that shouting into the void - as it tends to - is starting to get to me. There are other things I could have and should have been writing, things people outside me would have been actively interested in. How like me, that I could only do this instead. 

Mildly melancholic, I did say that. This still counts, for me.