#bddssm

[dumbdomb]

Dom =/= top =/= masc =/= man

sub =/= bottom =/= fem =/= woman

switch =/= vers =/= gnc =/= queer

as long as you keep associating being dominant as a role only to be fulfilled by a top, and assuming all tops to be butch or masculine in nature, you thereby will make masculinity something men are.

topping is not a kinky role, it simply means this person likes to give an action to their partner(s). a bottom enjoys to receive said actions. if you're ok with both, then you're versatile- either way.

being dominant in kink is many things, just as being submissive is not limited to one way of truly being subservient. to take on either role, there is going to be compromise and exploration- redefining and enhancing what works. if you are ok with taking on either role, you're able to switch up the roles of dominance and submission. switching isn't for everyone.

you don't have to be overly masculine to dominate, it's not always about being tough or intimidating. some doms are soft and caring, prefer to control in other ways, don't like being physically rough, etc. being feminine doesn't make you weak. some subs enjoy being roughed up, degraded, and brought to the edge of complete and total submission (physically, mentally, emotionally). masculinity and femininity is something everyone has both of, it doesn't make anyone more or less of a man, or of a woman. it's incorrect and limiting to narrowly define these words and to use them in this way.

the more you try to recreate cis gender, heterosexual (allosexual) normalised expectations and stereotypes of how a relationship should be structured, the less space you'll have to be understood and realise genuine connections and partnership (which is necessary to form a mutually agreeable bond or dynamic).

this is all very basic, introduction to kink and living outside of the mainstream. what we do isn't popular, and we all have interests that are certainly less popular (for me, i often find most people are not as keen on peeing as i am- for example). establishing and respecting each other's boundaries is a fundamental foundation to building any kinky relationship. if you can't accept someone having a limit or not giving you full access and consent to your desires, then you're abusing and taking advantage of someone's interest in kink to overrule and overpower them.

please read books about the psychology of kink, the history of bdsm, and don't just focus on the erotic elements that get your attention. study why things exist (like, why do people enjoy pony play?) and try some introspection. why do you like something? be critical and understanding, compassionate... learn more about the world, people, yourself.

[baglsasha]

bdsm is a dumb acronym it should be BDDSSM since the middle letters are either Domination/Discipline and Sadism/Submission.

shoutout BDDSSM

[dumbdomb]

Top ≠ Dominant

Bottom ≠ submissive

Versatile ≠ Switch

Companion Beginner's Guide of Introductory Words and Their Basic Definitions to Help You Understand These First Level Terminologies

Read my pinned before you interact! 25+ only.

[dumbdomb]

my personal frustration with "hard kinks"

hard kinks: rape play, incest, ageplay, detransitioning, patriarchy, misogyny.

hard kinks: pain, fear, snuff, abduction, degradation, objectification, humiliation.

hard kinks: piss, scat, vomit, blood, body modifications, medical, tpe, M/s, 24/7.

adding content warnings for "hard kinks" doesn't actually inform anyone of the content on your blog. some people may interpret your interest in something that you are actually uncomfortable with. it's easy enough to speak plainly, which will help those who share your interests to connect with you. it clarifies your own boundaries so others understand what is okay and what your limits are.

trying to hide, evading stigma, or any other reasons you have for censoring information like this is not kink positive. this does not allow for awareness, in Risk Aware Consensual Kink, and therefore is not able to establish consent between you and those who may or may not wish to view or participate with your blog.

this applies to any general statement people make about harder, dark, taboo kinks. if you don't establish boundaries, someone else will. and if you're vague, it is more likely that someone will assume incorrectly and treat you disrespectfully. this is not normal or acceptable in kink. you need to have good, clear, and easy to understand communication.

there is no such thing as kinks being considered "hard" simply because many people list something as a "hard limit"

[dumbdomb]

being transgender is NOT a kink. stop forcing your fetish on people who do not consent to it. misgendering and detrans kinks are listed in my Do Not Interact.

[dumbdomb]

damn, can i get a uhhhhhhh......

kinky space on tumblr without incest, misogyny kinks, transphobic kinks, racist kinks, child abuse kinks, child attraction kinks, body type kinks......

Read My Pinned BEFORE you interact! 25+ only.

NO: lurkers, likes only, inactive, empty, or blank blogs. DO NOT LIKE MY CONTENT. DNI. ♥️

[dumbdomb]

Read my pinned BEFORE you interact! 18+ only.

i think i need to update my info sometime bc i've had a decent amount of people calling me a toy this week and i'm not into it. i may enjoy humiliation and similar adjacent kinks, but i'm not a toy or anyone's pet. like, i think it would be really helpful if people understood that kinks are not inherently subby or dominant, they can be very different for someone playing with the same kink for someone as a sub and someone who's a dom. can people stop making certain kinks like submissive on default? it isn't

NO: lurkers, likes only, inactive, empty, or blank blogs. DO NOT LIKE MY CONTENT. DNI. ♥️

[dumbdomb]

DNI = Do NOT Interact = NO CONSENT

if a blog has something you love or are interested in listed on their DNI, that means you do not have their consent.

choosing to interact anyway is abuse.

abusive behavior is not kink.

🔞 must be over 18 or 21 to like, reblog, reply, comment, or follow. thank you.

[dumbdomb]

hi genuine question because i’m autistic and confused, can you clarify what “icky kinks” are??

i don't think there is a definitive answer. from what i've noticed of reading and scrolling through blogs, this is what i've gathered. people who claim they have an interest in "icky kinks" are often tagging or referring to rape play, incest/fauxcest, age play, age gaps (mostly older man with younger woman), misogyny, dyke breaking or corrective rape, patriarchy, forced feminization, detransitioning, underage/pedophilia (maps), and there is often overlap with race play, weight and food based kinks like feederism and weight gaining... many of these people now prefer referring to their icky kinks as: gross, disgusting, dark, hard, taboo, mommy/daddy kinks (which is already established as cgl or titles only kink)...

i think much of the trauma/abuse kink scene was mostly cgl that tried to use different labels bc of the prevalence of underage/nonsexual age regressors harassing adults (and kinksters who often would not Check The Source ™ and unintentionally reblog content from children). many maps also tried to find a place around here, but did so against the majority of users not wanting to interact with people who had self-professed attraction to minors. there was even a very small growing support for race play that was empowering black swers for a time, but most people still didn't like it.

anyway, i am vocal about not wanting people with "icky kinks" to interact with ME because i have a boundary on the above stated kinks, and many people with those kinks will message me in a way that is against my CONSENT and forcing me to participate in their "kink". i say this all the time, but if you don't have consent then it's not kink. not having someone's consent means you are being abusive to that person by engaging in something they have declined to be part of. most, if not all, of the interaction i've received against my stated boundaries has been done by people with claimed "icky kinks". so understanding or ignoring consent seems to be a really serious and big issue for the people interested in these supposed "kinks". (though i'm inclined to believe most of the icky people are abusers who are using popular kinks to hide behind, disguising their true intentions, which is a known and general issue within the bdsm community overall. and one that all kinksters need to be aware of.)

when we talk about kink positivity and not shaming people for their kinks, we also need to talk about people who misuse the bdsm scene to abuse others. this is not, and should not feel like, a safe space for actually abusive people. this is not even a controversial take, that is just how we keep each other safe. very much like what lgbtqia+ community does for each other. we don't tolerate abuse.

i don't think, and am not saying, that all people into "icky kinks" are abusers. i personally think people with these kinks should be able to freely and safely say what they are, without having to face any shame or harassment from the community. it helps everyone to find each other, is respectful of all people's boundaries, and most of all is an action that COMMUNICATES. isn't that what we do? talk, negotiate, understand, take things slow, have safewords and backup plans, aftercare and communication...

there seems to be an astounding lack of knowledge and education i've noticed in younger and new people on kinkblr. and most concerning to me is how many people think it's normal or acceptable to engage in kink with someone who has known limits, and refused consent for specific kinks or activities. respect is a strong foundation in what we do. you can't play with someone if you don't respect them. that is not kink, it's abuse.

additionally, i just want to point out that i would personally be much more tolerant of some of these kinks interacting with my blog if they didn't comment on my posts, include tags, message me, or do anything else to project their kinks on me and engage with me in a way that goes against the boundaries i've already provided without even having to talk to me first! (though it is always good to ask questions and have clear understanding of what is acceptable whenever you choose to be kinky with someone!!)

just to conclude, i don't shame anyone's kinks here and most of my dni list was formed as a response to how people were treating me (disrespectfully, without regard to any of my limits).

hope this helps answer your question and provide some insight into what i'm talking about around here. thanks for asking. if there's anything else you want to know, my ask box is always open. :3

[dumbdomb]

i don't think gay and trans people in kinky spaces should be forced into misgendering, detrans, corrective, and breaking kinks just because they're in gay and trans kinky spaces. use other tags, be specific, stay in your bubble. there's nothing wrong with liking those kinks, but tagging it in the general space and interacting with people's posts or sending them messages about any of these very specific kinks to be opting-in to is not consensual (not kink, abusive), triggering, and is literal hate against anyone who is gay, bi, etc, intersex, nonbinary, agender, etc. YES, EVEN IF YOU ARE ALSO LGBTQIA PLUS! learn how to tag and filter and stop forcing other people to participate and be exposed to kinks they don't consent to.

this is not kink at pride fodder, btw. this is someone specifically stating their boundaries and GROUPS OF PEOPLE constantly interacting, sending their kink to someone who has NOT given consent, and is literally the most basic part of any kinky interest. raCk. ssC.

ℹ CONSENT MATTERS OR IT ISN'T KINK! ⚠️

[dumbdomb]

preface: without any comment, opinion, shame, or judgement of any kinks mentioned herein...

i want to follow more fat people without a fat fetish, gaining or feeder kink. i want to follow more trans people without a misgendering, detransitioning, corrective kink. i want to follow more sapphics without a dyke breaking kink. i want to follow more cnc and dubcon blogs without rough, forceful, no pleasure or implied consent anywhere to be seen type of content. i want to follow more blogs that understand the difference between someone who tops and someone who doms. i want to follow more people who stay far away from binary language and culture because it will always exclude them. i want to follow more kinksters who are not men in their 30s (or older) and admire all women in their 20s (and younger). i want to follow kinky people who know the differences between ageplay, diaper play, incest, maps, and actual therapeutic practices around trauma. i want to follow people who understand what the old guard and riot grrls and activism has done to pave the way and protect weird people. i'm just so tired of the same patriarchal issues replaying in the form of the next generation, no one ever learning or breaking away from those cycles.

Read my pinned before you interact! 18+ only.

[dumbdomb]

do you think it's acceptable for people who feel extremely uncomfortable with some kinks to say, without shaming anyone, f33t, p1ss, sc4t, v0mit, 1ncest, etc k1nk blogs dni? is that ok?

do u think it's acceptable for people of color to say, without shaming anyone, r4ce k1nk blogs dni? is that ok?

do you think it's acceptable for disabled and neurodivergent (and any other labels used by people who are physically or mentally atypical) to state somewhere on their blog, without shaming anyone, m3dical k1nk blogs dni? is that ok?

do you think it's acceptable for someone who has experienced intimate abuse as a child (or adult) to say, without shaming anyone, r4pe k1nk blogs dni? or 4ge pl4y blogs dni? is that ok?

do you think it's acceptable for people, especially women and anyone aligned with feminism or womanism, to say, without shaming anyone, m1sogyny k1nk blogs dni? is that ok?

do you think it's acceptable for intersex, transgender, nonbinary, detransitioned, and all who feel aligned with atypical genders or allyship to say, without shaming anyone, d3trans k1nk blogs dni? is that ok?

do you think it's acceptable for kinky people to have their limits, boundaries, and refusal of consent to, without any shame to other kinksters, have their consent respected in kinky spaces? is that ok???

do You think it's acceptable to ignore someone's intentional lack of consent, even in non-kinky spaces (online or irl)?

do you think... like, really. do you think.

consent is the most important cornerstone and foundation of wiitwd.

you cannot be kinky and Not Care about someone's boundaries, especially when they are listed openly and are publicly available for anyone to see what those limits are. ignoring someone's lack, or explicit refusal, of consent is abuse.

no consent = abuse. NOT KINK.

[dumbdomb]

people will say they're into "hard kinks" and then leave it up to each individual person's interpretation to decide what "hard" means. is it the types of kinks, the intensity of play, only ethically and socially immoral kinks...? who knows. (the person saying they have hard kinks.)

i keep seeing the use of "hard" or "soft" kinks as categories to separate the socially taboo and more popularly acceptable kinks. this seems to have stemmed from people using "hard kinks" as a general label because it contains most of the kinks that are often found in someone's "hard limits". a hard limit is not about categorically taboo kinks, it is a firm and strict "no". it's a "red light". it means those kinks are not open to negotiate. there is no such thing as "soft kinks" the way it is being used to imply "acceptable kinks". using these labels does not actually inform anyone of what kinks you are, or aren't, interested in.

also, i get the feeling people think that having boundaries with some of the popular kinks, like rape and incest, is being sex negative. having personal boundaries and limits are never about kink negativity, being prudish, judging others, or being puritanical in any way.

you're allowed to feel uncomfortable with anything, and placing a firm rule for others to not go against your consent (which only applies to your own personal boundaries and comfort level) is not "shaming" anyone else. everyone has different interests and levels of comfort.

if you're going to say you're into kink, separate from just being a thrill seeking or horny person, you should know that not everyone is going to feel the same way about things as you do. (kink itself is not always a sexualized act or intention.) some people will have an extremely greater tolerance for pain, psychological play, or immorality than what you're comfortable with. some people will be far less into any of the interests you have. everyone is different, but everyone should be respected. and someone who is not comfortable with your particular kinks is not shaming you. they are not viewing those kinks in a negative way. they simply don't consent.

i've also noticed people who seem to think there's a difference between kink and bdsm. they are literally the same thing. kink is bdsm. bdsm is kink. 🌠

from what i've personally experienced with all of this here, it really seems like some people are upset that i don't consent to some of their kinks. they choose to send me messages and reblog my content by playing out kinks i've specifically stated my boundary with. they act as though not having my consent is a challenge to them, some disapproval they can rebel against, or something unimportant they can ignore entirely. (consent is always required.)

consent, boundaries, rules, limits, and negotiating are all part of kink. we like to communicate everything, and consent is especially- even more- important to US than vanilla people. (although consent is always necessary.) so when i see many young people here talking about all their kinks and leaving out the fundamental foundations of What It Is That We Do, it makes me feel uneasy and like people are pretending to be something they aren't. kink is not just what physically arouses you. there are many kinksters that do not involve any type of sexual play in their scenes, roles, or lifestyle.

i really miss being able to follow more blogs with a variety of interests that i don't share, but could understand. i'm talking about years before this blog, but it seems like it has gotten to a point now where most people are not accepting of personal boundaries- and even more worrisome is the lack of seriousness around consent in general. we should be able to follow and interact with each other without having clearly stated lines being deliberately crossed. there ought to be a sense of accountability, respect, community, and understanding with one another. i've learned so much from people who were different from me, who liked things- passionately- that i never had any interest in whatsoever. PLUR 🖤⛓

[dumbdomb]

my personal experience with domming is so centered around being the active party that i’m really curious about what being a dominant bottom - esp pillow royalty into being groped & felt up - feels like/works like for you. if you feel inclined to share, this anon is all ears

dom is not equivalent to top.

sub is not equivalent to bottom.

switch is not equivalent to vers.

you can be any of these things and still have an interest in a variety of kinks. some people enjoy the stereotypical roles associated with these categories and labels, but there are many who don't fit neatly into these boxes. you use these words as a guide to most closely explain how you feel, how you relate to others.

personally, whenever i see myself in a submissive role, it feels bad. i don't like it, feels like i'm being put down as a person and greatly disrespected. i feel like i'm not being seen, my sense of self not being valued. submission isn't any of these feelings, it's wonderful and i am in awe of those who love experiencing true sub space, but it's just not for me.

likewise, things that generally feel good and empowering to doms is what i relate with. i share in those affirming feelings. my interest in various kinks like: cnc, humiliation, piss, etc have nothing to do with dominance or submission (though one could incorporate elements in play).

you've never thought of a prince ordering their knight to serve them for an evening and allowing that subby knight the pleasure of being used. never considered that royalty may enjoy a knight stepping out of line and crossing boundaries to touch their prince, even if they could be punished for it later. never thought that maybe the knight hates to cause their prince any pain, but royalty loves to writhe in agony and pleasure.

[dumbdomb]

That mostly makes sense, so you don't want it if someone's like "you're being such a good boy" if they tell you to do something? Just like in general, you're a good boy?

yeah... any kind of praise for doing things, even in nonsexual ways, just doesn't do anything for me. most people i know feel a sense of appreciation or accomplishment and recognition when someone says they did a good job! or they're being good! (or some similar type of praise). i try to be polite and will accept compliments like this, but it genuinely doesn't give me any joy or feelings of pride, etc. so, even if you removed the word "boy" from this situation it'd feel off-putting or like nothing to be told "i'm being so good."

i also noticed some people like to talk down to me in a way when telling me i'm being good for something. they talk to me like a sub and it takes my mind out of the mood. sometimes it makes me feel like i need to be more assertive and then the other person perceives that as some kind of rejection. i think a good rule for people like that ™ would be to consider if they would say the same thing to a very masculine, alpha, top, daddy, dominant sort of person. if it seems potentially condescending then just don't talk like that with me, either.

anyway, i love to indulge in a bit of arrogance on occasion, so flattery is usually well perceived here. i just have to maintain some boundaries or else some people would gladly treat me like nothing more than a female sub- in the most derogatory of ways. i hope this clears things up, if not you're welcome to ask more. i don't mind trying to explain things! i am very queer in how i approach and practice the kinks i'm into and i'm aware that not everyone feels the ways i do. <3

[dumbdomb]

i wish people were more respectful so i don't have to be as strict about maintaining extreme boundaries. when i am not harsh about my limits, people ignore my lack of consent. this should not be tolerated within kinky bdsm spaces. this is not how you respect someone.