#bc you'll take the torture and you'll take the pain

[helianthus21]

there's sth about "You should've never been born" vs "Were you born just to torture me?" that just,,,,, hgggg

[love-toxin]

oh my god ur eric draven piece….. him finishing his revenge spree and still continuing to live afterwards is just insane. like grappling with the fact that he’s Still here and stuck with the grief and emptiness even after he’s killed everyone who hurt him and shelly…… im sick. im ILL!!! resenting becoming human again bc its torture…. he needs to be comforted and by god i’ll do it (LMAO)

ugh!! i love it!!!! the absolute horror of putting all your rage into a single act of self-sacrificing vengeance only to realize there's no going home in the end....just have to sit with what you've done and realize you don't belong anywhere anymore. everybody you love and hate are dead, and the few people of the former that aren't you can't have anything to do with because being near them will only hurt them worse. knowing you're probably a monster and you'll never find love or comfort again, but even worse, you don't know if you even deserve that much in the first place.

so when you come along and you try to get close to him, he shies away. flees if he has to. hides. you remind him too much of the life he loved before his death and it's too painful knowing he'll never have that again. he forgot there were sweet people and kind people and people who love indiscriminately and because you're one of them, he finds himself inexplicably drawn to you despite telling himself it can never go any further. he has to hold back. you deserve someone alive and...happy. you don't need his burdens weighing you down, you've got a whole life to live and people to meet and lovers to spend your life with.

but because he's drawn to you, he finds purpose. people in this city love to prey on the vulnerable, the weak, and the fragile, they would even eat each other alive if it came down to it. and the thought of you ever being in pain, in trouble, of you being accosted on your way to work or grabbed on your way home--oh, it boils his icy blood. he would rather rip his own limbs off than ever see you taken advantage of by some filthy scum off the street.

so even though he hates it--hates being alive, hates having to live with his regrets and suffer his pain--he seeks his purpose through more destruction. remorseless life-taking. nobody who hurts you or tries to hurt you is innocent, so they all deserve to be taken out with the trash in the worst ways possible. the man who drugged your drink is dragged out the back door of the bar. the guy who bugged your car has his own blown up while he's in it. the creeps who jiggle your doorknob at night hoping it's unlocked? they'll never find all the pieces of those ones.

because you're deserving of so much more than a life of feeling scared and being alone. Eric tells himself that if you ever find a partner that can protect you he'll stop following you around, but he knows deep down that's not really gonna happen. he'll follow you to the grave. besides, you have so much love to give and he can't deny that he deeply enjoys how badly you want to get close to him, to know the man that is always in your peripheral but can't quite work up the nerve to say hello. even though he's convinced it can never be, he can't help wondering whenever he stops and stares at you from across the street in the rain, watching you through the window as you work....could you be the reason he's still here?

[igotanidea]

Beneath: Jason Todd x fem!reader

request/summary: @jasontoddsthickbabe asked me for a story: Jason doesn’t think he worthy of love until he meets y/n and she also thinks the same bc she’s a thick and chubby girl. Sorry it took me so long, hope you'll enjoy. I took liberty of making Jason and Y/N friends (of some sort :) )

Warning: insecurites, description of body type (no hate here!), cussing and Jason being a walkign warning, oh and angst with happy ending.

I recommend listening to "Beneath you're beautiful" by Labrinth and Emeli Sande while reading.

REMEMBER YOU ARE ALL BEAUTIFUL THE WAY YOU ARE!

Looking in the mirror was painful. Sometimes. Often. Usually.

At first glance everything was all right with her. She had two eyes (one of the very few attributes she liked about herself), a nose, two ears and a mouth.

Yes. That was good.

But then.

Everything below the neck was just…. big. Her breast, her belly, her legs and hips. Her butt. All outsized no matter how much she was trying to hide it or fight it. It was good during winter months were she was wearing sweaters and coats, but she dread every spring and summer, wishing for it to end instead of enjoying the warmth and joy. Going out with friends, especially her girlfriends who were always dressed in tiny sundresses with their perfect lean legs exposed and their perfect, slim bodies brought out by the clothes was  literal torture.  She never found enough courage to wear anything shorter than ankle-length. Shorts? Mini dress? Nope. Never. Forget it.

And it did not make her feel good. At all.

It was like that for a long, long time. She was working in the newspaper, covering the matter of technology news, but in such workplace she was always watching her perfect, pretty, slender female coworkers, smiling and charming and being chased and adored by bunches and bunches of men. Too often she found bouquets of flowers on their desks, leaving all the girls wondering who was the secret admirer. It never happened to her and as much as she was trying to cover it and suck it up it was slowly killing her inside.

“Hey, Y/N, don’t stress about it. Your day will come.”

“Mhm. Sure it will” she flashed a smile, but her inside just clenched. It would never happen. No one will love her while she looked like that – chubby.  So how could she even hope for being the object of someone’s love when everywhere she turned, in magazines, workplace, photos, all the girls were just … skinny. Even in her beloved books the heroines were always tiny, petite, fragile and delicate. God!

At some point she just couldn’t take it any longer and started to avoid integrations and meetings that became too painful. But of course, her boss noticed that and made her join, using the most cliché arguments about coworkers bonding and being a part of the team. Sure, she was a valuable and competent and needed as a coworker. Not so much as a girl or woman. To anyone.  But she came to this evening party, once again observing the happy couples flirting and teasing and holding each other, dancing and just being there together.

“I’m gonna be sick” she thought to herself “I’m gonna be sick if I don’t leave right now.” Suddenly, the feeling of being fat, ugly, unattractive and pathetic came running and she had to hold back the tears. She wanted to be in her apartment, in her own bed, with some TV show on, feeling safe and warm and not exposed and judged on the way she looked like. Even if it was barely 9 p.m. Without any word of explanation to anyone she just busted out the door onto the street, not really looking where …..

“HEY! Watch where you going!” clearly angered man on the motorcycle harshly applied the brakes in front of her. The tires  screeched and he barely managed to stop before crashing into her.  “Are you trying to get yourself killed!?” he yelled taking the helmet of showing his rant and raving eyes and disheveled black hair with a single white strand on the front.

“Oh, I’m sorry!” she yelled back at him “I’m so sorry this fucking of a Gotham city sucks! I’m freaking sorry that you were speeding without any thought of pedestrians in that pretty head of yours!”

“Pretty, huh?” the man on the bike looked at the raging girl in front of him raising an eyebrow at her choice of words, but she couldn’t care less.

“Besides!” she continued “It’s not like you couldn’t see me! I take quite a lot of place! I bet you would act all nice and charming if I was pretty, slim and model-like! Isn’t that what all the boys are about?! A hot girl?! Especially the Waynes!”

“Auch, Y/N. That really did hurt!”  Jason put a hand on his heart in pretended pain “you are truly breaking my heart.”

Y/N and Jason met by some crazy accident. Not like the one with the motorbike. A year ago, she found herself doing some journalist work on the tech the criminals in Gotham were using and that was how she ended up working with his detective brother Dick. Long hours at the office swiftly shifted into friendship and soon she met his entire family since Grayson really lived up to his opinion as “a family man.” Alfred and Tom loved her from the very second she stepped into the manor. Damian accepted her without any questions which meant a world in his case. Bruce never complained and never engaged which was pretty much and indication of the same. The only rocky relationship she had was with Jason. They were just a bit too similar in too many cases and that was why their relationship was more of a teasing one than rainbow an roses. But on the other side, they would jump into the fire for each other.

Soon enough, due to her nosiness and insight she figured out all of their secret identities as bats and everyone though she would be in grave danger and tried their best to keep her out of trouble. A month later she kicked the ass of some assaulters who came at her when she was walking home late and from that moment she was never again seen as little, naïve and harmless.   (What? I know how to use my assets - she said, obviously referring to her figure. Yes, sometimes it was useful, but not tonight. Tonight she had enough and Jason Todd with his snarky attitude was the last thing she needed.) 

“SHUT UP, Jason! I’m done with all the man in this fucking city! I’m done with all the man in the planet and shit, in the entire universe! You only judge with your eyes. Nothing more matters to you…..” her anger was finally out and the last words were barely audible as all the pent up energy deflated “I’m sorry. I was out of line. You were right I should have watched were I was going.” She looked down apologetically.

“Bad day?” he smiled lightly looking at the girl in front of him, leaning on the handlebars and observing her closer.  Maybe it was because of all the emotions she just let out but it sparked something in him. Apparently, she had similar anger issues as he did. Besides she was pretty. She had big, honest, glistening eyes, red lips, flushed cheeks and thick messy hair. And she looked so small and vulnerable even if she really was a bit bigger than the girls he was usually into.

“Just regular one.”

“You step in front of motorcycles on your regular days. I don’t think you will get to hate Gotham for long when it turns out deadly for you.”

“Haha. Very funny, Todd. Anyway, have a safe drive home. Try not to  drive into anyone of anything.” She turned on her heel ready to walk away but he stepped in front of her stopping her “get out of my way.”

“Believe me, I want to, but as much as I hate Bruce, he taught me to respect woman. So, all those fucking lesson force me to ask, ugh, are you all right?”

“Guilt calling much?” she tilted her head looking up at him. Shit, she was so cute.

“Not at all. You practically admitted it was your fault. “ her eyes grew wide at his scoffing words “I would hate to add the job to the vigilantes in this freaking city if you pass out on the street.”

“Nightwing? I heard he was out of town.”

“You know he is not the only one.” He hissed clenching his teeth. Of course every girl in this freaking city was dreaming about his older brother.

“Oh, you meant Robin. Like the Red Robin? He seems like a nice guy wouldn’t mind meeting him, even in some radical circumstances.

“You really do have a death wish, don’t you little one?”

“Little one?” she mocked “have you seen me? I’m ….. you know what, never mind. Like I said, have a safe trip to the Wayne Manor. Say hi to your father for me and remember to mention that his newest technology have a flaw. I give it a week, tops, before it goes to shit.”

“Wait! Y/N! ”

“See you around, Jace!"

*** A week later, all the press in Gotham was writing about the failure at Wayne Enterprises and Bruce alongside with Tim had to do some damage control and PR action. One of them involved a meeting with the journalists and surprisingly, Jason tagged along.

“Why on Earth are you interested in Wayne Enterprises matters now?” Tim looked at him suspiciously

“Interested? Oh, hell no! I just want to see you two making fools out of yourself and try to explain it all. This will be a load of fun.”

“I hate you, Todd.”

“Sure. I’ll remember it next time you need my help in saving your ass during mission."

The truth was, something was telling him his favorite hysterical girl would be on the meeting and even if he wouldn’t admit it to anyone (himself included) he really wished to see her.

***

“Mr. Wayne! Mr. Wayne! Here! How would you describe what happened in the enterprises? Was there anyone who got hurt? Is Gotham in danger?” the journalist were screaming and flashing photos, but Bruce had his signature stone cold look on. Slowly, all the press got intimidated and quieted.

“This was a controlled trial. A standard procedure to assess the possible damage of our new product….” Bruce started to explain

“Controlled trial, my ass.” Jason scoffed behind the curtain “She was right, as usual.”

“As usual, hm?” she appeared out of nowhere, sneaking behind his back and startling him

“FUCK! Y/N!”

“Hello, Todd.”

“How the fuck did you get here?!”

 “Golden pass. Courtesy of your father. Guess he got a bit worried my words to be published would harm him and his company.” She smirked

“Worried. Bruce Wayne. Worried about you? You overestimate yourself, honey.”

“You underestimate me Jason. At least when it comes to my mind. “

“What are you…..?”

“Nothing. Forget it. I got job to do, so if you excuse me…. “ she winked and joined the once again screaming press “Mr.Wayne! Mr.Wayne!” she turned around and smirked at him once again with that irony in her eyes before disappearing for good. Her wider hips and bottom worked quite well in making some space for her.

It was this exact moment, Jason’s heart skipped a bit watching her indulge in the work with all her enthusiasm and sarcastic attitude. Fuck. He was in deep shit.

***

To say the truth, his reactions at the press conference scared him beyond recognition. He didn’t want to fall for her. It was not planned and definitely not wanted. So he did the only thing he knew how to. He cut all the contact with her. Stupid, freaking idiot. But that was all he knew how to do. Besides, it wasn’t like she was trying to reach to him. Running away from the emotions was the only option for him. A safe one.  So he iced her. For three weeks. He was leaving every single time she came visit boys at the manor. He took a detour from his favorite places to avoid passing her work and accidental meeting. He stopped buying coffee at his preferable café, instead threatening Tim to grab one for him wherever he was going there. Everyone knew something was off.

“You are a coward, Jason, you do know that?” Dick said to him one time

“What did you just say to me?!”

“You. Are. A. Coward.” His older brother punctuated every single word like it was a separate sentence.

“I have no fucking idea what you are talking about!”

“Sure, you don’t.” Dick shrugged “I’ll leave you to it then. Won’t give you any hints in the matter. With your thick thinking it might take you ages though. ”

“GRAYSON!”

“What? I said nothing wrong and I stand by this. By the way, do you have a date to the gala next week?”

“No.” Jason scoffed “First of all I’m not going and even if I did I would just go solo.”

“Hm.”

“What now?”

“Jason Peter Todd.” Ladies and gentlemen Bruce Wayne blessed us with his presence.

“Oh, fuck no!”

“You are going to attend the gala next week. This is not a matter of yes or no. This is an order. “

“I’m not taking any orders from you, Bruce!”

“I’m not asking you to take it. I’m commanding you to attend the gala.”

“Screw you all! You can’t make me…..”

***

They made him.

***

At least he bargained this much that he could go alone. No date. No girl on his arm. He thought it would be so much easier this way. But now, as he was watching Dick and Barbara swaying on the floor some sting of pain shot through his heart.

He missed her.

Fuck.

He didn’t need that. He didn’t want that. A month without her should have done the work but it was only worse and worse. This party was a disaster for him even before it started but slowly it was becoming  a living nightmare. He started to sweat underneath that freaking suit he was wearing and decided it was the best if he just disappear.

And then he saw her.

The most cliché moment ever, recreation od the every freaking rom-com he knew (which was not many) and it made him feel like an complete idiot when he just froze, rooted to the spot not able to look anywhere but on her. She was so freaking beautiful in the simple, classic dress that stressed her figure. So freaking beautiful his heart started racing uncontrollably.

“Stop staring at me. I know I look like a freaking sausage.” She muttered passing him and heading straight towards the drinks, ready to numb all the feelings.

“Sausage?”

“Yes, Todd. Sausage. I don’t …..” she sighed pulling at her hair nervously “I don’t look like all those girls here…. I am not like Barbara or all those elegant females.”

“You look beautiful” he blurted and instantly regretted that when she looked at him with pain in her eyes.

“Stop making fun out of me.”

“I am not…..”

“Do you have any idea how much time it took me to find a dress that would fit me?” single tear fell from her eyes and he clenched his fists to stop himself from wiping it away “what torture it is looking for any clothes, really? The sizes ends at some crazy small numbers and…..” a ragged breath escaped her

“Y/N….” his heart was breaking with her every word.

“I’m sorry. I’m being boring.” She quickly regained herself “How is your evening, Mr. Todd? How is this possible that you are here all alone? Don’t you know all the single ladies here are eyeing you like you are a prey?”

“If only they knew they are after Red Hood.” He smirked

“Are you crazy? Stop mentioning your alter ego!”

“No one’s listening either way and …..” before he could finish the sentence gunshots came from outside. “Shit!”

“Perfect timing, Jason. Perfect timing.”

“Will you just shut up! I need to get you to safety and take care of whatever scumbag decided to destroy this freaking party!” he grabbed her wrist and pulled her away from the windows that just blew off.

“Go!” she pushed him towards the exit  instead “Go! I’ll be fine, I know how to take care of myself. Not my first rodeo” she smirked “Go help your brothers.”

“Promise me, you’ll be safe.” He grabbed her waist and looked straight into her eyes.

“I will. “ she spoke calmly “I promise. Now go!” he took off running but stopped when she called back at him “Jay!?”

“Yeah?”

“I know you are internally happy that this party was crashed!”

“Cut the internally part and you’re just about right!” he laughed and moved to the eye of the fight.

***

“Is everyone ok?” when the threat was taken care of and she was sure the bats were back at the cave she came running straight to the tunnels under the manor.

“We’re good.” Dick smiled despite the bruise on his face “That was not even the worst event I’ve been to.”

“ I bet. What was this all about?”

“Some big fish at the party and some debts from what I put together in the short amount of time I had. And no.”

“What?” she frowned acting all innocent even if she knew what was on Dick's mind.

“You are not going to investigate it further.”

“Of course I will.”

“I forbid you.”

“I don’t take orders from you.”

“You and Jason are so alike at times.” Dick sighed deeply

“Are we? Really? And by the way, where is everyone? Why are you alone?"

"Bruce is taking care of Tim and Damian….”

“You mean he’s scoffing them?” she knew what Batman care meant.

“Yeah, not the first not the last time. They’ll be good. And Jace….. Jace is on the rooftop. He’s fine too. If you want to know.”

“That’s worth noting.”

“Y/N?”

“What?”

“Go talk to him.”

“Orders again?”

“Nope. Just a suggestion. I have quite the observational skills, you know. You two should talk.”

“I don’t see the reason why. But if I were to take a walk now….”

“then I would have no idea where you went.”

“All things considered  I think I could use some fresh air. After all, I’ve been through a traumatic events. Gunshots!”

“Good luck finding fresh air in Gotham!”

“I’ll take my chances. And…. Dick? Thank you.”

***

“Jason?” no reaction from the silhouette sitting on the roof watching the stars. “Jason!” now he heard her and turned around.

“Please go away, Y/N.”

“Why? What’s wrong? Come one, we are friends , I guess? All this teasing and fighting is just for fun, right? You are not mad at me or anything?”

“Mad at you? Damn it Y/N. How could you even think so?”

“You went radio silence for quite some time. What was I supposed to think?” she moved forward and sat down next to him making him jump away instantly almost like her presence was toxic.

“I’m … I don’t bite you know.” she joked but her voice was so, so sad at his action.

“Please, go away. I don’t want you to see me like this.”

“Like what?” she shifted her position to face him “Like what, Jay? I’ve patched you up multiple times. I’ve seen you cut, bleeding , bruised. I know all the scars on your chest and abs and face. What is there that you don’t want me to see?”

“That is fucking it!” he yelled and stood up, the lights from the manor illuminating the blood on his face and some swelling.  “You said we are friends and I don’t want to be friends!”

“Oh… ok. I get it. I really do. I mean, how could you ever want to be friends with someone like…. like me.  The chubby one. I’m not really anyone’s type. Even as a friend. It’s understandable. I’ll… I’ll just go and leave you. I bet some pretty girl will give you all her attention.” She lifted herself ready to walk away from his life and it terrified him. He couldn’t lost her again.

“NO!” he yelled in frustration

“YES! NO! STAY! GO! What the hell is your problem Jason!?” oh, he pushed her. “I’m done! I’m tired! You keep playing with my mind! I know I’m not worthy of anyone’s love all right! Thanks for the reminder! I’m not,….. right! My body is not right!”

“SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP!” with one stride he was next to her, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her to his chest. “Just shut the fuck up!” he whispered against her hair feeling her tense “can’t you see? Can’t you see how I feel about you?”

“Jace? I don’t …..” she tried to pull away and look at him but he didn’t let her afraid that her eyes would make him halt the confession he was making.

“You keep talking about your body and how you don’t think you are worth loving because of it. I get that feeling. I fucking get that feeling. You keep repeating that all the ladies want me, but all I see are eyes on Dick. He’s freaking perfect. Mister Grayson.” He hissed and she was now truly afraid to move a single muscle “As for me? All those scars? I think I am monster. If you think you are not worthy of love then…. Than what can I say?”

“Stop it! Stop it immediately!” finally she freed herself from his hands “You are an imbecile! You are not your scars! You are not the way you look! You are …. You. The smart, handsome boy. The nerd. The literature lover. I see nothing more than that.”

“How can you be such a hypocrite? You praise me and hate yourself?”

“Cause I see you differently than you see yourself.”

“Why?”

“You know why. You are smart. “

“You want to tell me something?” he smirked getting closer and hugging her once again, only this time she hugged him back.

“Now you are getting cocky, huh? A second ago you were about to cry your heart out….”

“I hate you.” his grip grew tighter on her hips and she shifted not feeling good with him feeling all her surplus "stop fidgeting!"

"I'm not comfortable with ....."

"You will learn to be. I'll make sure of it. But for now, I still hate you."

“Mhm, right. And that is exactly why I have nothing to say to you, Todd.”

“Maybe not now. We can work on it though.“ he let out a single laugh and she joined him.

And just like that, the air seemed clearer for both of them as they stood on the roof of Wayne Manor simply holding each other with no words needed.

If only they knew all the family were watching them, checking out who won the bet……

[readychilledwine]

for the angtsy prompt list — i feel like i’m gonna regret this but #1 and either az or rhys 😭😭😭 preemptively crying bc i know it’s gonna hurt

I picked Rhys 👀 and it... it's gonna hurt, and I'm sorry 😭

Rhysand x reader romance angst drabble from this prompt list

Warnings - mentions of death

Star flecked eyes stared at you in shock and silence. "Tamlin?" You bit your lip, tears beginning to line your eyes as you nodded. Rhys chuckled, leaning back and sipping his drink. "Good one, y/n." 

"Rhys, I'm not kidding. He's my mate. The bond snapped at the High Lord's meeting." Rhys sat a little straighter, eyes narrowing as he looked you over. Anger flashed. Followed by remorse, by pain. "This is fucking rich." You jumped as he slammed the drink down. "What are you going to do?"

You had not thought that far. It was too new, too fresh. "I… I don't know. I haven't thought about it. I'm shocked."

Rhysand's jaw dropped, he looked at you shocked and stunned. "What do you mean you don't know? Do you not remember what he did to me? To our family?"

You remembered vividly. You remembered holding Rhysand as he screamed when they opened those boxes. You remembered holding him after they found the bodies. You remembered vividly. "He took my fucking mother and sister and now he's taking my wife too. This is fucking rich."

You two sat there in silence. Your mind was searching for a way to comfort him. "Tell me how to fix this. Tell me what I need to do." 

You shook your head. "We promised to never lie to each other if it happened to either of us, Rhysand."

Rhys stared straight ahead, eyes locked on the night sky as if those stars would have all the answers. "Tell me it was a lie. Tell me you're playing with me right now. Tell me the bond didn't snap."

You watched his throat flex. Eyes beginning to water. "The twins are packing your things. Annulment papers will arrive in Spring when I have them drawn. Azriel will fly you there."

You nodded, standing and closing your eyes to hide tears. You opened them and turned to walk out. "For what it's worth, Rhys. I wish it was you, I'll always wish it was you. I love you."

His tears fell freely, his hand clenching that glass so tightly he was about to shatter it. "I know. I wish it was me too, y/n. I love you too. Let… let me know if you reject it. If you ever want to come home and come back to me."

-

You'd never have time to tell him you rejected the bond as you were dragged in front of Amarantha, powerless and naked from the previous beating and torture she had administered as your friends from every court watched in silence.

You and Rhys held eye contact. One last silent I love you passing between you two mentally as you then turned to the false queen in defiance. "Would you like to repeat your prophecy one more time, little seer?" She mocked you with fake interest, having refused to believe your words of warning.

You said it one more time, passing hope to every trapped High Lord and fae who knew your prophecies were set in stone and true as wind. "Never to wed, never to breed, you'll rule briefly in selfishness and greed. Never see the break of day. A false queen's body will lay here to rot and decay. She'll sit on a throne, time passing like air, until her end is brought by one more fair."

Her face fell. "Rhysand, shatter her." The room fell into silence. His eyes wide as the mask fell. "Now, pet."

You two held eye contact again. You nodded at him. She's coming, Rhysand, and she will bring you everything you've wanted. One request?

Anything, his voice broke in your mind.

Never forget I love you.

And I love you. I'm so sorry.

"There's no other hands, I'd rather die at than yours, Rhysand. Do it."

[thepictureofjune]

The Tortured Poets Department of schloss einstein ; the anthology

part 1 here and now we continue except the nitpicking gets more crazy the closer you look.

Enjoy :]

The Black Dog - Ava Eilers (Staffel 27 post 1065)

I am someone who until recent events You shared your secrets with And your location, you forgot to turn it off And so I watch as you walk Into some bar called The Black Dog And pierce new holes in my heart You forgot to turn it off And it hits me I just don't understand how you don't miss me

So Ava revealed that Patrick actually really hurt her and to this day, it still seems to be something that drifts them apart yet Patrick seems like he doesn’t know anything about it, perhaps doesn’t even see it as a big thing. Yet to Ava, this was everything. (written pre 1067 btw)

imgonnagetyouback - Leon und Simon (Staffel 27 post 1066 u 1067)

Whether I'm gonna be your wife or Gonna smash up your bike, I haven't decided yet But I'm gonna get you back Whether I'm gonna curse you out or Take you back to my house, I haven't decidеd yet But I'm gonna get you back I, I hear thе whispers in your eyes I'll make you wanna think twice You'll find that you were never not mine Small talk, big love, act like I don't care what you did I'm an Aston Martin that you steered straight into the ditch Then ran and hid

this is mostly here for shigs and giggles and bcs we got a Limon l-word bomb before we got Nolin so yeah

How did it end? - Noah Temel (Staffel 27) 

And so a touch that was my birthright became foreign Come one, come all It's happenin' again The empathetic hunger descends We'll tell no one Except all of our friends We must know How did it end? (...) Say it once again with feeling How the death rattle breathing Silenced as the soul was leaving The deflation of our dreaming Leaving me bereft and reeling My beloved ghost and me Sitting in a tree D-Y-I-N-G It's happenin' again How did it end? I can't pretend like I understand How did it end?

To me, this is Noah being an outsider in the divorce of his parents, being just a child as his parents kept fighting, kept moving on and throughout all of this, he has no idea why it is happening nor how it came to an end like that.

So High School - Marlon und Nesrin (Staffel 27) 

I feel so high school every time I look at you I wanna find you in a crowd just to hide from you And in a blink of a crinklin' eye I'm sinkin', our fingers entwined Cheeks pink in the twinkling lights Tell me 'bout the first time you saw me (...) Are you gonna marry, kiss or kill me? It's just a game, but really I'm bettin' on all three for us two (...) Truth, dare, spin bottles You know how to ball, I know Aristotle

Don’t think I need to explain this one. 

I Hate It Here - Maxi Zielenski (Staffel 27) 

I hate it here so I will go to secret gardens in my mind People need a key to get to, the only one is mine I read about it in a book when I was a precocious child No mid-sized city hopes and small-town fears I'm there most of the year 'cause I hate it here I hate it here Nostalgia is a mind's trick If I'd been there, I'd hate it (...) I'm lonely, but I'm good I'm bitter, but I swear I'm fine I'll save all my romanticism for my inner life  and I'll get lost on purpose

Okay I think we’re all aware that Maxi probably hates every place she is in. Her home felt foreign and now at the school, the only reason she is there in the first place is her grandmothers treasure and it is said that as soon as that’s gone, she wants nothing more than to leave. 

thank you aIMee - Joel Lucas (Staffel 26 u 27)

And then she wrotе headlines In the local paper, laughing at each baby step I'd take And it was always the same searing pain But I prayed that, one day, I could say All that time you were throwin' punches, I was buildin' somethin' And I couldn't wait to show you it was real Screamed, "Fuck you, Aimee" to the night sky as the blood was gushin' But I can't forget the way you made me heal Everyone knows that my mother is a saintly woman But she used to say she wished that you were dead I pushed each boulder up the hill Your words are still just ringing in my head, ringing in my head I built a legacy that you can’t undo

We meet Joel as someone who would rather have success than friends, who doesn’t seem to care for other people but who also is sad whenever things don’t work out for him. Makes you wonder why, no? Why that kid came to the school not caring if he made friends. Why he always felt like an outsider in every social intersection with everyone he ever talked to. How such a kid went from not caring about other people to doing everything he could to keep his best friend. (need to get started on that joel analysis already I have too many thoughts about him)

The Prophecy - Mikka Lund-Mayr (Staffel 26 u 27)

Change the prophecy Don't want money Just someone who wants my company Let it once be me Who do I have to speak to About if they can redo the prophecy? Cards on thе table Mine play out like fools in a fablе Oh, it was sinking in Slow is the quicksand Poison blood from the wound of the pricked hand (...) And I sound like an infant Feeling like the very last drops of an ink pen A greater woman stays cool But I howl like a wolf at the moon And I look unstable Gathered with a coven 'round a sorceress' table A greater woman has faith But even statues crumble if they're made to wait I'm so afraid I sealed my fate No sign of soulmates I'm just a paperweight in shades of greige Spending my last coin so someone will tell me it'll be okay

Mikka is canonically lonely if I may remind you of that. He doesn’t have his best friend anymore and somehow even when he tries to become friends with Reena again, it doesn’t really seem to last all that long (also because the writers literally forgot about him but yeah). All he has is his inventions. 

The Bolter - Simon Reuter (Staffel 27) 

By all accounts, she almost drowned When she was six in frigid water And I can confirm she made A curious child, ever reviled By everyone except her own father With a quite bewitching face Splendidly selfish, charmingly helpless Excellent fun 'til you get to know her Then she runs like it's a race Behind her back, her best mates laughed And they nicknamed her "The Bolter" (...) She's been many places with Men of many faces First, they're off to the races And she's laughing, drawin' aces But none of it is changin' That the chariot is waitin' Hearts are hers for the breakin' There's escape in escaping

Simon is wasted potential on all accounts because you’re really going to tell me he is proud and fine and happy with all the trophies he wins? That there isn’t mayhaps the need to always succeed because it’s what is expected of him? And he seems like he likes every girl at the entire school but cannot pull any of them simply because? Not because maybe he is trying to find the one that makes sense, the one girl that maybe makes him feel a little better about himself, because love is supposed to reveal our true selves and Simon has always been someone else his entire life? 

(i’m trying to give him the depth that the writers failed to bcs wdym he is just some guy who likes sports and girls?) (update nach 1066: nvm I think they really just gonna leave him with being everyones no.1 nuisance)

Robin - Chiara Dorn (Staffel 24 und alle danach eig auch)

Buried down deep And out of your reach The secret we all vowed To keep it from you in sweetness (...) You got the dragonflies above your bed You have a favorite spot on the swing set You have no room in your dreams for regrets The time will arrive for the cruel and the mean You'll learn to bounce back just like your trampoline But now we'll curtail your curiosity In sweetness

This song references a lot of childish demeanor or behavior that is only known for children, trying to keep the illusion of innocence alive for someone who is too sweet to learn about all the cruelties of the world. For me, this is Chiara.

And we're done. (and now we can get back to over-analyzing kids that aren't actually sad but could very well be!)

— june🪐

[mer-acle]

Alright, since I'm super active on AO3 again recently I thought I might as well do a breakdown of my work :)

My current fandoms are Marvel (MCU) and EPIC the Musical

The characters you are almost certain to meet are Natasha Romanoff (Black Widow), Clint Barton (Hawkeye) and Athena (Goddess of Wisdom)

Okay let's have a breakdown (epic people you'll have to scroll)

The Spy and the Assassin

This is a series about the backstory of Natasha Romanoff and Clint Barton, starting from childhood and catching up directly to Iron Man 2.

This is the most "inspired by visual media" of my works. Parts of it is written in Script form and the chapters are meant to be 25 minute episodes of a TV show that would run for three seasons.

It's MCU phase one compliant and takes some inspiration from the Avengers Assemble TV show canon (mainly for Clint's backstory)

Good for: People who like Phase 1 best, and who wished for a more comprehensive Black Widow origin (this is 500k words type comprehensive)

Coming back for you

What about another Black Widow origin, but Phase 2 compliant this time?

When writing The Spy and the Assassin, I did my best to adhere to the superhero genre, so you could feasibly believe this was a true prequel

For this one, I took more liberties, and focused more on hurt/comfort.

Laura and Cooper are in this, and so is a Budapest scene bc how couldn't I?

Again, technically Phase 2 compliant if you tweak the timeline just a little, but still no Black Widow (2021) to be found.

Good for: People who enjoy hurt and comfort with a focus on recovery and healing. People who like Laura Barton XD

One I will break, the others I will tear apart

Technically a sequel to The Spy and the Assassin, but stands on its own.

In about 2014, Steve, Tony, Clint and Natasha are kidnapped and imprisoned by a smug and sadistic asshole named Victor.

His plan: Torture one of them, watch the others break apart from guilt and anguish. And he chooses the one who has already endured more pain than anyone ever should to be his sacrificial lamb.

This is unapologetic Nat Whump. Like, there is intense physical and psychological torture in this. Nobody except Victor is having a good time.

(This is my favorite fic I've ever written)

Good for: People who like their whump and like it brutal. People who agree with me that Nat is the best avenger

The time they broke me

A retelling from Natasha to the team of what happened in The Spy and the Assassin. That's it. People enjoyed it for some reason lol.

Good for: People who want a Natasha backstory but want to know how the Avengers would react.

The Avengers Scenes

A series of deleted/extended scenes for the MCU. (Yes Natasha is in all of them)

------------------------------

Okay Epic friends, now for you

All of my epic fanfic is gathered in the Warriors of the Mind series, but I'll introduce you to the episodes.

In general, I know what you are like, those of you who liked the Wisdom saga will probably read anything with Athena in it atm

The Reunion Trilogy

(Work 1-3)

After the Events of God Games, Athena's first meetings with Odysseus, Telemachus and Penelope respectively.

Light h/c and lots of cute moments

Hermes presents: God Games

(Work 4)

Hermes explains our favorite wet man Odysseus what went down during God Games, things are appropriately chaotic.

Later, Athena receives a prayer

You can go home now

(Work 5)

Athena goes to free Odysseus instead of Hermes. H/C ensues cos guess what she's injured actually

Has two separate endings, one with Hermes and one with Apollo.

The one who makes her kingdom fall

(Work 6)

What happened on Olympus after God Games. How did the players treat their injured sister afterward.

Apollo, who always wanted a relationship with her

Hephaestus, who has known her the longest

Aphrodite, who has seen a different side to her

Ares, who deep down knows he never hated her

And Hera, who starts to believe she's done wrong by her

And all concludes with a crazy divine council meeting.

Goddess and Man

(Work 7)

A reflection by Athena on the times Odysseus called her "Thea"... And how she starts to think he didn't mean "goddess", but something more endearing.

Athena deals with feels. In the end she gets to confront them in person.

Ichor is not meant to fall like rain

(Work 8)

Athena meets her father for the first time after God Games. It's... Complicated.

Note: Winged Athena

Still watching over you

(Work 9)

A thunderstorm hits Ithaca. Both Athena and Odysseus may have some PTSD about that type of thing.

Also honorable mention of the absolute legend that is Eurycleia.

Fighting to be loved

(Work 10, in progress)

Athena is pretty badly hurt. The royal family of Ithaca tries their best to help her.

(FW this is whumpy as all hell)

A warrior's refusal

(Work 11)

Odysseus has decided not to go to war. Now he just has to tell Athena...

[oh-my-wolfstar]

Taylor Swift Wolfstar songs day 16

yesterday’s song (because yes, I forgot) is Blank Space. It is pov Sirius.

I could show you incredible things Magic, madness, heaven, sin Saw you there and I thought "Oh, my God, look at that face You look like my next mistake Love's a game, wanna play?

Sirius could show Remus a million crazy new things if they were together. Sirius new he had to have Remus from just one look and in tradition risk taking fashion he is running head first into this.

I can read you like a magazine Ain't it funny? Rumors fly And I know you heard about me So hey, let's be friends I'm dying to see how this one ends

Sirius has been friends with Remus so long that he can read his face like a book. And he knows Remus has heard things about Sirius and his past relationships; and sure, they could just be friends but Sirius has to know what would happen if they were more

So it's gonna be forever Or it's gonna go down in flames You can tell me when it's over, mm If the high was worth the pain Remus and Sirius are a gamble; they’re so similar but so different. They fight and love fierce. Together they could be forever or they could burn them selves down. But Sirius is willing to burn for Remus.

Got a long list of ex-lovers They'll tell you I'm insane But I've got a blank space, baby And I'll write your name

Sirius has a lot of ex’s and they will all say he’s crazy ( although no one can resist the beautiful Sirius Black for long). But Sirius loves people who will break his heart, and damn if Remus doesn’t fit the bill.

Cause we're young, and we're reckless We'll take this way too far It'll leave you breathless, mm Or with a nasty scar They are young and stupid and they will definitely push each other to the limits. But it will end in love or with pain and there’s only one way to find out.

Stolen kisses, pretty lies You're the King, baby, I'm your Queen Find out what you want Be that girl for a month Wait, the worst is yet to come

Sirius will be whatever Remus wants if it means he can have him.

Keep you second guessing like "Oh, my God, who is she?" I get drunk on jealousy But you'll come back each time you leave 'Cause, darling, I'm a nightmare dressed like a daydream

Sirius knows he will be crazy jealous of anyone who wants Remus and Remus will be jealous of all of Sirius’s ex’s but they are jealous anyway. And Remus knows that Sirius is risky but he’s also a dream.

Boys only want love if it's torture Don't say I didn't, say I didn't warn ya

Sirius only wants people who you could break him and Remus knows that all too well.

Thank you for reading! I had a lot going on yesterday so I forgot, lol. I decided to do Sirius’s pov bc I felt like I was doing a lot of Remus but todays pov is going to be Remus again so… also, today will be a sad one so bring the tissues!

[hello-there]

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[soaps-mohawk]

first of all. i’m sorry about my error english it’s not my first language dhdjsjsk. 😭😭💀

thanks god my theory was right about dr.keller wasn’t the betrayer!! it was kinda sus for me that you gave that tennis shoes detail twice i meant if it was really her it’d be too obvious lol so that cliffhanger didn’t work on me lmfaoo☝🏼🤪

and that mf who kidnapped our ‘mega was he your oc? bc i only saw one character who has the same surname but she was a woman (or i missed smth?) so i doubt it.

imo graves is still in my row that he’d be one of megas family bc mega know his scent well and it reminded to her mom stuff, but i dont think he’d be their father nor brother idk bc graves is in his 40s (reboot) so he couldn’t be ‘mega’s dad or even big brother so he might be their uncle..? or if it wasn’t like i said hmm maybe he was just an a$$h0e who pretend to get close to mega for his mission some kind of that lmfao you torture me i can’t wait for the next week and see our boys reaction. someoneneed to prepare a gold coin for charon ahrhrhrhrh

thank you very very much for ur hard work on this story i praise and love ur work with all my life !! tysm for made my day better! and pls take care of yourself ! I LOVE YOU RORY *SENDING ALL HUGS TO YOU* 🤍🤍🤍

and btw this is me every day waiting for the next sunday :

Nah I wouldn't do that to my queen. I was giving everyone a red herring for the drama and suspense lol. Gotta keep everyone on their toes somehow. Glad you saw past my cliffhanger!!! 😂

Yes!! He was a side character that I made up that was first seen in...chapter 4? Chapter 5? The chapter when 'mega punches Corporal Allen.

As far as Graves...you'll see 🤭 everything will be revealed in the next chapter, don't worry.

Aww thank you!!! I'm glad you've been enjoying my story and the pain!!

And don't worry about it, your English is fine!!! 💚💚

[mtsuzuka]

talk about zevran

...do you really want to open that can of worms

Anyways yes I'll gladly talk about Zevran Arainai from the hit game Dragon Age Origins

Essentially he was born into a brothel, his mom died during childbirth (more on this later), and all the other women treated him like shit for legit no reason but uh yeah he was sold by those women to this assassins group called the crows and basically tortured into being someone who could withstand pain and kill indiscriminately and efficiently.

He fell in love with both of his closest friends (Rinna and Taliesen, I need to say their names just in case I bring them up again but yay poly rep) and Rinna ended up wanting to escape the life of the crows, and they made Zevran kill her for it even though he didn't want to. He hates the crows but it's the only life he really ever knew, they dictated his life and choices because it was "do this or you'll die, or we'll kill your friends!"

And then he finally gets his mark/target on the remaining grey wardens (main character/s) because he's been hired by the antagonist, and Zevran KNOWS he isn't good enough at assassinating to actually kill the wardens. He takes this job with the intent of getting himself killed because he wants to escape this life so badly. I guess I should mention now that Zevran isn't really skilled in actual killing and usually uses deceit like poisoning or charming people in order to kill them. Anywho

You have the choice to spare him after you beat his ass and his romance is really nice, he really has such a warped concept of love because he was never allowed to love really or make any of his own choices and he's absolutely terrified of any commitment bc of what happened when he last felt committed to someone. Oh did I mention he also uses horrible innuendos and flirts all the time in order to get people off his back. I'm yapping so much IM SORRY

But ok there's this woman named Wynne she's like a grandma and they have this banter where she inquires as to whether or not he feels guilty about his line of work and he immediately goes to flirting with her until she gives up and stops asking him questions it's just so. You are such a traumatized man and I love you so much.

Oh and also you have to end up killing the other man he loved bc he comes back to bring Zevran back to the crows and afterwards you can talk to him and he'll give you his earring 🥺 but if you ask him if it's a proposal he'll get mad 😭😭 then come back later and say "well. If you want it to be a proposal then sure it can be that."

MY FINAL NOTES: I love zevran so much because he is a character whose whole story is about rediscovering his autonomy and that yes, he too can choose his own life ❤️

And here's some obligatory zev images about his ending and jst other random shit he says

[youremyheaven]

hiiii i just started my rahu md moon ad and have been reading that it's absolutely awful across the board and i am nervous as hell 💀 do you have any anecdotes about this period? (i have 1h gemini moon and 10h aquarius rahu) ty <3

I don't think any mahadasha or antardasha has to be more horrible than others?? There are people who die during their Venus dashas yk (I mention Venus specifically bc it's supposed to be the most auspicious dasha)

Ofc how it manifests depends on your placements blah blah but I assure you, no matter what your placements are, if you want to do well in life, you can.

This is not to say that suffering can be avoided. It can't be. Challenges are always going to be a part of life. But there is a life beyond them as well. If you observe yourself during the course of a day, do you notice how many different thoughts, feelings etc cross your mind and how many different experiences you end up having? Dashas are like that, just because a dasha is described as being difficult, it does not mean you'll be in torturous pain every single day until it's over.

Also the idea of "difficult" is very relative and varies from person to person and objectively speaking there is nothing that can't be overcome. There's a guy I went to college with, who is going through his Rahu mahadasha atm and he flunked manyyyy classes and he has to retake and pass all of them to get his degree and then go through other procedures as well. all of this sounds very doable to me. He just has to study and pass exams. But as of this year, he hasn't finished writing his remaining papers 😭😭😭and some of them are from like 2nd year of college, so he's already tried to pass them like 4 times by now 😭😭😭 obviously I know that not everyone is academically gifted yada yada but he is a smart guy (Jyeshta in big 3) and all he has to do is pass (i.e no one's asking him to get an A) but for whatever reason, he's struggling to do so ://// and being a guy in an Indian household, the pressure to earn and look after your family is immense , so all of its taking a toll on him 💀

But like, is he not, the source of his own suffering?? Even if he can't finish this degree, there are a million other ways to make money, so like 😬😬😬

There are people who don't have a quarter of his intellect but are finishing up their Master's OR making bank,,, so if you want to do something, you absolutely can do it.

Again, there can be 9283773 different obstacles in your way and things may not be easy but do not underestimate the sheer power of human will and self belief. Don't hand over your destiny to astrology. The power is in your hands. You can make anything out of yourself.

Blessed be. Amen.

[piastrinorris]

how would older!tom grant react to you just randomly biting his big, beefy bicep?? like maybe you’re a bit sloshed and the urges™ are just too strong to resist, so you just…

like you don’t sink your teeth in enough to truly hurt or to draw blood, just enough to satisfy the urges™.

what’s his reaction???

ik, in canon, ruth bites into like his pec and he’s just like “oh??? … erm, ok.” and accepts his fate, but like… what’s older!tom grant’s reaction??? what’s his response to you randomly sinking your teeth into his beefy bicep??

(prior to seeing jq in that clip from hoard, i would’ve never considered myself a bitey kind of person… but here we are)

oooooh i have the PERFECT mental scenario in my head for this!!

okay so let's say it's been a friend's birthday, or a friend is leaving town, or it's a big work event. for whatever reason, you two went out for dinner with a big group of people, and even though you didn't drink loads, the couple of drinks you did have definitely hit you quicker than they would have when you were in your 20s. not enough to go off the rails or anything, but you're both definitely a little buzzed from it. (this is important, i prommy)

anyway, when you get back home, you guys slip into your usual night-time routine. tom gets in the shower first while you're doing your thing (maybe you're the sort of person who likes to get dolled up so you're taking all your accessories off, maybe you're more chilled w your appearance but you go around making sure the flat isn't a total bombsite once you wake up with an inevitable headache, whatever it is you do), and while you're in the shower, tom does his thing of getting into his singlet + undies (specifically YOUR fave visual there cass heheh), making sure you've got a fresh bottle of water beside your bed for the night, and settling in himself to scroll through reddit or whatever

you go and join him in bed and obv you wanna cuddle up to him bc a) he's tom and b) maybe you get a little extra affection-needy when you've been drinking. however, i think tom's the kind of drunk who literally cannot multi-task to save his life. he'll do whatever you want, but it has to be a "right, we're doing this now, let's go" kinda thing or else he'll just space out. so you're sat in the bed waiting for him to realise and at least put his arm around you while he reads, but he's too engrossed. (again, not ignoring you deliberately, he's just a lil dopey, bless him) you poke him in the arm, and he makes a weird sound but still remains scrolling through his phone. and so, with the last remnants of the night's alcohol taking your inhibitions away, you lean down and just press your teeth into his bicep. not a full on chomp, nothing painful, just enough so that he definitely feels teeth digging into him.

so he looks over with a Classic Tommy G Look™ like:

and you just look up at him, mouth still on his arm, and he just starts laughing, "what are you doing there, you wazzock?"

(wazzock is a term used in the general midlands dialect as an alternative word for like. idiot, silly goose, etc. there's a specific dialect where tom's canonically from, though, if you want to look up the sort of things he'd say, here's some good examples + i'm more than happy to try and help navigate what some words and phrases mean/are supposed to sound like lol)

anyway, you explain that he wasn't listening to you so Desperate Times Call For Desperate Measures and he laughs it off with you and wraps his arm around you for the night

except as time goes on, you start realising that actually, even though you've only done it the once, you miss the feeling of biting tom's arm. it doesn't help when the weather gets warmer so he's wearing tank tops and short sleeves all the time and just... putting them on display, it's torture. so any time you're running on autopilot, or you just really need to do something impulsive, you'll go up to him and bite his arm. at first it still takes him by surprise a lot and makes him laugh, but eventually, he just sort of looks at you like, "y'alright?" and you'll just nod and he'll nod back and carry on doing whatever he's doing

besides, he totally gets you back for it when you guys are getting intimate. he doesn't bite anywhere that'll be super obvious, you're not teenagers leaving hickies on each others' necks, but he'll leave a nice little toothy bruise on your inner thigh, or just beneath your breast, or on your hip. just so that whenever you catch a glimpse of yourself in the shower or whatever, you're reminded that he can bite back, too 😌

[fexalted]

I'd love to hear about "go - and you and i" & "st - the balancing of the sun"!!!

wip title ask meme

(didn't get to this earlier bc i have been taking some ill-advised naps and remaining comatose for hours on end, so thank you for your patience sgdnshfks)

and you and i: so, in my mind i wanted this to be a fic about the ways aziraphale and crowley love each other and how it physically (and perhaps metaphysically) feels different for both of them. but apparently i spent too much time writing it in my head and not enough writing it in the actual file, bc i only have like two scenes and a handful of random sentences lmao (don't be like me) also as a fun fact: the title comes from the Yes song of the same name! absolutely gorgeous track, the lyrics never once mention the word "love," but it has so much love pouring out of it that it doesn't need to

here's one bit of it, feat. aziraphale and grief (don't worry crowley's not dead or anything, they just had a falling out):

You throw yourself into work, taking on as many assignments from Heaven as you can, and running the bookshop in between. In the off hours you catalogue and reorganize and repair anything that needs it. It helps, you think, to have distractions, things to push that all-encompassing grief out of the way so you can breathe again. No time for frivolous things like theaters or bakeries or rereading your favorite poetry collection for the hundredth time. No time to think about anything that might remind you of Crowley.

And it works, to a point. It gets easier to not think about him.

But it always catches up to you, often when you least expect it.

You'll be sitting at your desk, ready to take up the task of rebinding a book, not thinking much about anything at all. And then you'll blink and all at once your vision will have gone completely cloudy, and another blink will have tears flooding uncontrollably from your eyes, and you'll push your chair back quickly to avoid any droplets falling on the book, and fumble to press a handkerchief to your face as you're overtaken by heaving sobs.

And so you'll remain for a length of time that could be anywhere between minutes or days but feels like a century—but it hasn't even been a century, and you've been apart much longer than that before anyway so why does it still hurt so much—

After that time has passed, you'll pick yourself up, and wipe off your face. You'll take the damaged book in hand, closing it carefully and delicately, once more hiding the inscription that Crowley had written on the inside cover when he gave it to you. And you'll put that book away, not back to its rightful shelf, but tucked away far out of sight but never quite out of mind, with all the other things you can't bring yourself to look at anymore.

And then you'll go back to work.

---

the balancing of the sun: this is the mccoy-centric sfs fic i've shared some of before! title comes from the song "on the silent wings of freedom" by Yes. admittedly the chaotic instrumentation does not fit the fic's vibe at all, but the lyrics bro..... "on the darkest night so painful / do you hunger for love / midst the torture of being one" like!!! i'm out of my mind about it

anyway i hadn't made much progress in several months but i went in and finally nailed down the opening paragraphs just for you 😘:

The worst part of this whole mess, in your opinion, isn't that Spock stuck his katra in your head. It was disorienting as hell, of course, to suddenly feel a disconnect from your thoughts and actions, like they were no longer entirely yours. Going from having complete control one moment, to feeling like a mere passenger in your own body the next is not an experience you'd recommend. But to tell the truth—though you'd be hard pressed to ever admit it aloud—there was something... relieving, almost calming, about finding out it was Spock's presence in your head. You may wish he'd had the decency to ask first, or at least would've given you a heads-up beforehand, but no, having Spock in your mind isn't the worst part.

And it's not the subtle but all too noticeable way your friends look at you now, like it's not really you they're seeing. How when words come out of your mouth in a different tone and cadence, you can see it in their faces, somewhere between hope and heartbreak, before you're even aware of what you'd said or how you'd said it.

Nor is it this fool-headed mission to Genesis you're all on now, however guilty you may feel for having gotten them roped into this, however much you might wish you'd been successful in chartering a flight out there alone. They broke you out of holding for this, they stole the Enterprise for this, they're putting their lives and careers on the line for this, because of you. The danger of it all aside, you're already dreading the court martial awaiting each of you if you make it back to Earth in one piece.

No, the worst part, you think, is what it will mean to succeed. To recover Spock's body from Genesis, bring him home to Vulcan, and lay him to rest—body and soul.

Because to do so will mean losing him all over again.

[puppyhunger2]

I think people who are fetishizing or romanticizing their self harm and/or are dramatic about their desire to fuck a dead body and other extreme body horror are entirely boring

Especially since it's usually coming from young people bc it's like, it is obviously an attempt at being "edgy" or schooling others, even kind of a way to push people away (attachment issues) for most of them. like, We know! I understand it bc We were just like that. We get it.

In some cases, it can be comforting in a way when you're deep in depression & are self harming, it feels "normal" in some way where you and everyone around you are all wallowing in each other's own blood. "normal" in a way that, in this microcosm, everyone is indulging in the same thing and is engaging with dark media in the same way.

But like, it's boring. You're boring, your friends are boring. Whatever shock factor you're desiring, that "can you see how miserable I am? I'll cut out my eyes if it will make *you* see." That desire, whether you recognize it or not, to have your mental torment acknowledged. To Us, it's become boring. It's the same reason We don't watch as many horror movies unless We're struggling mentally. It's become boring.

It's the same thing as the angel, deer fawn, coquette traumacore brand of depression and trauma coping. It's performative in the sense that you are creating, on your body, or in your scrapbook, an attempt to be seen. You bleed out physically or semantically (or both) while praying anyone would see and understand what you're going through. This is why We think, there is such thing as a trauma traumacore community. Just like there's "hikkiko" community. Everyone wants company in their souse.

But, like, eventually, you'll either kill yourself or you'll grow out of it. Once you accept help and do the work, you'll no longer need to go to such extremes to be seen and heard and understood. And so, as someone who has grown out of this behavior & has healed a great deal (absolutely not completely, don't think that'll ever happen), seeing this behavior is boring. A "been there, done that" sort of feeling.

It's unoriginal, it's overdone, it lacks creativity. We do understand the behavior and acknowledge these people for the pain they're in and the mental anguish that drives that very behavior. But We're bored of it!

But perhaps, try something else. We recommend making art in some form. Make things just to destroy them. Write. Make yourself into a character and put them through the hell you're living through & write them doing what you would do to yourself instead of doing it. You can do unimaginable and horrific things to a person on a page & you'll be surprised how cathartic it can be. Or you can save them. Write them getting everything and everyone you've ever wanted. Also cathartic. Take up fiber art, have something to do with your hands. Set the finished piece on fire. Y'know, just create something. Satisfy the urge to destroy yourself by destroying something outside of your body. Hell! Buy a tattoo gun and cover yourself in shitty tattoos! (We can verify that tattooing yourself with a machine is extremely satisfying when We get the urge to hurt Ourself)

We don't really know what brought this up, but it's a thought We've had for a while so it's good to rectify that thought.

& please don't take this as "oh you think it's boring that I self harm? let me self harm harder so it's not boring." We are just one very mentally ill man on the web-o-sphere. We shouldn't be the impetus to supercharge your self destructive behavior. No one should be that. I intend for this post to be nothing more than thought collecting.

We were a particularly severe self-harmer for 12 years straight, We understand what it's like to go through inexplicable torture both mentally and physically. But We also have grown to understand why We did all that to ourself & subsequently lost the desire to self-harm as a coping mechanism. We do get urges to do so, but there's also the recognition that gutting Our body until We pass out won't make Us feel any better, it won't make Us feel safer, it won't save Us from them. We went through every coping mechanism you can think of, and eventually, We found some that worked for Us & besuit Our current lifestyle. It took a very long time to get to this point.

We don't know how to wrap this all up so We guess, We're trying to say, in Our often misunderstood schizoid way, that there's a way out of the pool made of your own blood. It's won't always be like this. You won't always be like this.

[pagodazz]

hi so first off i want to say as a fellow vinny fan seeing your vinnyposting has been amazing, hes so underrated its great to see someone appreciate him!! and secondly i wanted to ask if you could elaborate on the tag on your post where you said 'habit is a manifestation of vinnys bad habits' it sounds like a cool perspective and im curious what makes you think that.. sounds very smart and i'd love to hear more. no pressure though!! love your posts ❤️❤️❤️

HIIIIII HII IM SO GLAD YOU ENJOY THE VINNY POSTING!!

and I'm so glad you asked about this.

Habit and Vinny's relationship is so complicated, there's so many layers in figuring out what REALLY is happening between the two. Habit isn't just controlling Vinny, Vinny is giving into habit, feeding into him, continuously letting him back into his life even though all habit does is HURT.

And to me it for some reason, it just makes sense. Habit is the thing thats taking all of Vinny's friends away, but it's Vinny's OWN ACTIONS that pushes his friends to death. Though what's happening is out of his hands, he's the indirect cause of it all.

And I think that when people have such strong addictions or "bad habits" so to speak, they can drive their friends away.

Or your own friends have lost themselves to their own bad habits that you can't help but fall victim to your own.

it's so many things all at once, but habit is this sick venom that's filling Vinny's veins and hes constantly aching for it. When habit isnt there he can't help but miss him almost, but when habits around he wants nothing more than to be away from him.

Take it like a cigarette, smoking is a bad habit.

You'll light a cigarette and say, "I should really quit. this isn't healthy for me."

but then you're out and suddenly all you need is ONE cigarette to even get through your day.

Habit was something that was a constant in Vinny's life, something solid to grab onto. A stabilizer almost?

anyways,

Vinny's bad habits include so many things, but I think his BIGGEST, is his need for pain.

He craves to be hurt, to feel something, he wants to induce more pain so there's more to feel and if there's more to feel there's more for the viewers to watch and that means more eyes on him.

And we could bring in what Jeff says in twenty-four months, "Please stop watching us."

it all circles around to the camera and Vinny being the voyeur, yk? That sick twisted sense of justice he gets from showing the world the truth.

and I hate to drag this on more BUT!!!!!

to bring another quote again, this time from the everyman play:

"The Voyeur shall watch from an emotional distance, insisting upon maintaining their strength."

and that's exactly what Vinny, he was so focused on keeping everything strong and not letting anything affect him that he let his bad habits consume and now he spends his life being tortured by the decisions he made, haunted by the memories.

The being of habit keeps Vinny around, he's important to the final plan, he'll wring Vinny dry so the only thing Vinny CAN do is comply with him.

the same way a bad habit can consume a person whole, (Jeff) ending their life, It can make you violent and tear your life apart (Evan), And it can cloud your brain, making you think that all you need in life is your one bad habit and thank god for that habit. (Vinny)

I HOPE WHAT I SAID MAKES SENSE????? I could be speaking totally gibberish rn bc it's my first time actually talking about this. But if anything is confusing or something I will be so happy to talk more about the characters :D!!!!!!!

[offsidekineticist]

This probably should have been 2 chapters, but while I think the first part could be fleshed out into chapter length with a different POV, I'm less confident about the second, arguably much more important part. Also I'm impatient and want to share this bc being like "I can't mention this thing about my blorbos cuz it's a spoiler for my fic" sucks.

CW: gore, blood, burning, exhausted/traumatized character having difficulty communicating, character being possessed and corresponding loss of bodily control, mentions of torture in folklore (implied sexual), Sleeping Beauty (Disney) style dubcon

For the Velstrac

The sun hurts. Your eyes squeeze shut by themselves. You try to stop them because you can't sleep, but the sun hurts so they do what they want. The air is warmer than in your cell, but it moves more, which helps with the sleepiness. it smells like dew, instead of must and excrement and blood.

It's nice. The only problem is that it's loud. There's shouting and the clanging of metal weapons and screams and the roar of flames–

Your eyes slowly adjust to the glaring light. The hole leading to the tunnel into Rivad is just behind you. In front of you is a vast camp of soldiers–mostly paladins, if you had to guess–presently in a state of chaos because the dinosaur shaped collection of artifacts that dug your escape route is rampaging through their camp and growing as magical weapons and armor fly in a flurry towards it. Soldiers are desperately trying to stand their ground as their weapons, tabards, protective amulets, or even their very armor are pulled into the beast to sate its appetite. Others–poorer soldiers, judging by their shabby armor–rush through the camp, movement uninhibited by the golem's call, trying to help their fellows.

A paladin in shining holy armor loses grip on the tentpole he used to steady himself. He flies towards the golem, and you watch his armor almost explode with blood and viscera as it twists and compresses to fit into the bizarre three dimensional puzzle circling through the camp.

"Shit–we have to stop it!" Qweck says, voice pitched high with conviction, and you feel a twinge of pride along with your exasperation. Qweck, so concerned about others–but she is hurt. She's doing her best to hide it, but you can see the bruising on her neck, can hear the strain in her voice. She's been brave–so incredibly brave–but it needs to stop. You need to get her home. She needs a healer. 

"How?!" Giliys demands from just behind you, and you wince at how loud he is.

"You mean you activated some kind of artifact eating golem of doom without knowing how to turn it off?!" Qweck demands, and you can tell she is losing her grip on her self-control by how her ears are twitching–they only do that when she's really angry. 

"Not like it came with a fucking instruction manual!" Gilly snaps. Qweck closes her eyes and takes a deep, long breath before opening her eyes and speaking.

"Get Theo to the ship as we planned. I'm going to stay and help."

"Are you fucking crazy?" Giliys demands as Qweck steps towards him, your arm still slung over her shoulder. "Look at that thing! It just headbutt a tunnel through solid fucking rock! What the fuck do you think you'll be able to do?"

"Heal the wounded, for one," she snaps, passing your arm to Giliys so she can run healing into danger, still injured herself. You grab her shoulder, ignoring the pain in your broken fingers as you do.

"No," you say as sternly as you can manage with a voice worn raw by screaming. "Qweck, you're–your neck–I can hear–you need a healer."

"She needs a healer? Fuck that, Thay, you need a healer–which is why you're here in the first place!" Giliys says, rebuking first you and then Qweck. "You wanna put this guy on a ship without a healer? In his condition? That's a fucking death sentence!"

Qweck's mask is perfect, the very image of Irorian calm–but her ears are still twitching. "Then find Vrakka and have her go with you." Vrakka–the druid girl? But she–Brastlewark must be hundreds of miles off. 

"Find Vra–sorry, Princess, my bird calls are rusty. Did you miss the part where the bitch flew away?"

"No," you interrupt, because Vrakka is not the point and neither are bird calls. "No, it's not–I'm not–the ship isn't–if you're staying–I have to–I mean it's my job to–you need to be safe. I need you to be safe."

"You hear that?," Giliys says. "Thay needs you to be safe. Now let's fucking go before the altar boys catch us."

Qweck ignores Giliys and puts both hands on your shoulders. "You've done your job, and you've done it well," she says, eyes locked with yours. "Now I have to do mine." She shrugs off your grip on her shoulder as she lets go of yours and plunges into the chaos of the camp. 

"Qweck! No!" You call, arm reaching uselessly towards her. She's gone. She's gone and she's hurt and she's–

"Fuck–what the fuck are we supposed to do now?!" Giliys howls, enraged.

"Help me help her," you rasp.

"Yeah, right. What are you gonna do, fall on it?"

"Giliys please!" A lump is forming in your throat making it even harder to talk than it already I'd. "She–she is–she's–please."

Giliys closes his eyes, a look of resigned exasperation on his face. "Fuck. Why'd you have to go and say please? Fine." He begins dragging you with him towards the camp. 

"Thank you."

"Don't fucking thank me! I'm dragging you to your fucking death!" He spits on what probably used to be a paladin as you pass and enter the camp.

"Don't need–it's ok to–you can't–be nice."

"Be nice?!" 

No, 'be nice' wasn't what you meant. You meant that he didn't have to pretend to be cruel, that you saw through it. But you're exhausted, and words are hard, and you've barely the strength to use them, so instead you just repeat "thank you."

Giliys grunts. "Not like I can put you on a boat until a healer sees you anyway. What the hell, why don't we just go out in a blaze of glory trying to save a bunch of altar boys from a fucking dinosaur? Not like I got anything else scheduled for fucking ev–kch!"

It happens so quickly you're not sure how it happens. One second you're leaning on Giliys as he gripes about helping Qweck. The next there's an enormous blade poking through Giliys's chest, pulling him–and you–towards the golem.

"Gilly? Gilly!"

He stares at the blade in his chest, his feet–and yours–dragging across the ground. "Shit," he wheezes. "Can't–can't hold it–Thay, run."

"Can't hold whah–"

Giliys pushes you away. You fall. Fire explodes from his wound. You cover your face, curling into a ball to protect yourself from the fire. A strange, inhuman laughter fills the air.

"FINALLY!" You peek through your fingers up at Giliys. He is floating a foot off the ground. He holds the blade with his bare hands and pulls. Out comes the sword, the hilt soaked in blood as it crashes through his chest, tearing the wound even wider and leaving behind a gaping hole, gushing with blood and fire.

You're not supposed to take the weapon out of a stab wound if you can help it. That makes the victim bleed out faster. You reach out and grab the weapon as it flies towards the golem. It drags you a few feet until you manage to toss your open bag in its path. The sword flies into the bag, and the bag goes still as its anti scrying spells hide the sword from the golem's hunger.

There. Now you can put the sword back in Giliys's chest once he stops floating.

(You really are exhausted)

You're able to push yourself to your knees and look up. The hole in his chest is closing–or you think it is. Less fire and blood seems to bleed from it with each passing second until the hole is closed. His eyes light up with flame as he holds up and examines flaming hands.

"YES. THIS WILL DO NICELY. NOW BURN."

Streams of flame fly from Giliys's hands, devouring soldier after soldier after soldier. It's no normal flame–it leaves tent and banner and wood untouched, but consumes flesh and blood. Whatever has taken control of Giliys is cackling in perverse joy.

Your eyes scan the scene wildly looking for someplace to hide, some way to escape–you know the moment it looks down, you're doomed. Movement and a flash of green catch your eye. Qweck, about twenty feet behind where Giliys stood when he was impaled, sheltering behind a rack of spears and shields.

Qweck is here.

Oh, gods, Qweck is here.

You need to stop this now. You don't have time to retreat and regroup, Qweck is right there, and the second that thing sees her, she will burn. You need to bring Giliys back to himself, because even if he can be killed like this (probably not), even if you were physically able to kill him (certainly not), you know you'd never be able to bring yourself to do it because of your damn fool, treacherous, everbreaking heart.

Wait.

"For the Velstrac," you whisper to yourself in realization. A poem written by an unknown Nidalese Desnan, the finale to a collection of poems written by the narrator (the Lover) about the person they loved (the Beloved). The last poem is the most famous–and the saddest. The Beloved, damned to the Plane of Shadows by Zon-Kuthon's hold over Nidal, becomes the Velstrac, eager to torture the Lover with sadistic parodies of their former love. And yet, whereas most poems in the collection carry an underlying tone of fear or anxiety over Zon-Kuthon's hold over the Lover and the Beloved's souls, "For the Velstrac" ends with hope.

For with each kiss thy eyes have brighter seem'd

So by my pain I shall see thee redeem'd.

It would seem absurd to you if you were in your right mind. But you are exhausted and hurt and afraid and bound to protect Qweck, so you grasp at ideas with the clumsiness of a child, push yourself to your feet, and pull Giliys down out of the air to be saved by True Love's Kiss.

It's a terrible first kiss. Truth be told, you don't find the act of kissing itself particularly appealing. Your enjoyment of that and more intimate acts has always come from seeing your partner's ecstasy and knowing you caused it–the satisfaction of having done well, of being such a good partner that he has devolved into a lesser state of coherence. But Giliys himself is unable to react, and his body, still floating off the ground, puppeted by an unknown power, reacts with violence, his arms flailing unnaturally, twisting out of joint. His body is hot to the touch, and your lips are screaming at you to withdraw. But slowly, painfully slowly, the heat fades. The flailing stops. You feel Giliys sink downward onto his feet, and then collapse in a heap. You do not let go of his shirt in time. You fall with him, aching and exhausted, lips burning from this cruel mockery of what you've wanted for years.

You're too exhausted to move. You're sprawled on top of him, but you're too exhausted to move. Your ear is pressed against his chest, and you can hear his heartbeat–at first racing, but slowing in time to a gentle, steady pace that promises safety and carries you to sleep.

[ventiffy]

𝒯𝒽𝑒 𝒶𝓁𝓁𝒾𝒶𝓃𝒸𝑒 𝓉𝒽𝒶𝓉 𝒷𝑜𝓊𝓃𝒹𝓈 𝓊𝓈 𝓉𝑜𝑔𝑒𝓉𝒽𝑒𝓇 ♡ PT.4

EHEH *cries* GUESS WHO GOT THEIR *beep* PERIOD.... MEE! *cries again* ANYWAYS HERE IS pt.4 OF I FORGOT, jk, "The alliance that bounds us together"

FOR NEW PEOPLE, YES IF YOU HAVEN'T READ THE TAGS NOR SEEN THE HEADER (picture above).THIS. IS. A. DOTTORE FIC BC I LOVE HIM UGGH.. before any Dottore hater comes in my replies saying I shouldn't write these fics since they ship the reader with a HORRIBLE person... go away. Your comment doesn't compete with my love for him ever since his unhinged little self came into the manga. I read the manga before playing the game and so basically ever since I started playing genshin, even though he never appeared in game he was my fav character (AND I KNOW HIS LORE, IVE READ EVERY SINGLE ARTICLE THAT REVEALS SOME OF HIS LORE, I KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT HIM)--(plus my post don't appear when at your home page so u either 1 follow me or looked at the tags so, you asked to see something like this- RANT OVER -

WARNINGS: should've put this for the last one BUT Dottore is named as "Zandik", mention of Pantalone (This shouldn't be a warning, just that I'm not going to put Pantalone in the tags cuz, this fic isn't about him so like why should I do that? MENTION OF TORTURE... NOT IN THE WAY YOU WOULD THINK THOUGH- READER IS AGED UP, SCHOOL = SOMETHING LIKE UNIVERSITY IDK- NOT PROOFREAD FOR NOW BECAUSE IM IN TOO MUCH PAIN, mention of the word : heck and hell

Summary: Just look at the part plz, this intro is getting too long-

You came back home safely. It felt as you went on a normal walk although, you had a particular destination that was not related to school at all. To you it felt just like a normal walk but instead of merely walking alone, you were with somebody to which you could interact with!

You decided to go on Zandik s' account, you remember not seeing any post, instead he only got tagged by accounts that you didn't care much about. The reason why they appeared on post/tagged was basically out of honor of sort. Heck, the Snezhnayan government even mentioned him on their post about how some particular doctor of theirs had figured a discovery that they'll look into professionally. Theirs? What did they mean by theirs? Did Zandik work for them. Already, you heard how the training to just become a soldier there was torture. Huh, good for him then. He was able to go through the stress of becoming a Doctor at the most demanding Akademiya AND he was able to put up with straight up torture the training gave him. You knew people were serious when they said you'll most likely die at the trainings then when you're actually at war. The Fatui had to set up their own healing buildings near their departments due to how many soldiers get ALMOST fatally injured. But yet, you found it weird. Neither did being a trainee in the Fatui nor did being a student at Sumeru Akademiya give you any breaks, so how did he manage to accomplish both and succeed further on. He looked young, possibly in his twenties. So, he couldn't really graduate and go straight to the Fatui. Since, trainings take 3 months to do since soldiers have to get to go in their camps in their group.

They take about a week if their lucky to walk to a certain destination in the middle of nowhere, yet they also have to go through the heavy snow, the icy wind while wearing a uniform almost made for the summer. They also have to go through storms on flat terrains which end in to soldiers getting electrocuted, through avalanches if their route makes them go by the edge of mountains during a storm. Then they get to site, yet you also have to know they are carrying all of their materials, even whatever they'll use as shelter and food to which they have to unpack and build on whatever terrain was given to them, whether it's bumpy or not, they decide whether they want to sleep in their sweaty uniform in a somewhat secured space or outside during maybe storms since that is the most frequent disaster experienced on a daily basis by the land of Snezhnaya itself.

After that torture, the next day they'll have to wake up early, most soldiers in training get 5 hours of sleep at that time. And then, for about more then two months wit their commander they'll have to go on expedition all while going through courses such as going on one without wearing any form of shoes or socks, they'll have to use weapons against enemy camps. If they get hurt, they have to wait to get healed only after they get back to camp, which leads to infections. They are forced to swim through cold lakes in the early morning when the temperatures are at their coldest. So on and so on.

So basically, now you kind of had an idea that one maybe he didn't work at all. But, on that particular post, they mentioned "past soldier" then they tagged his "@". And, you can't really join before the time you're officially an adult so basically older than 18 years of age. You decided that nothing really peeked your interest so you decided to see who was following him.

Huh.

How?

How was a harbinger following him if he was some random Fatui soldier? Was it usual for the 9th to follow all sorts of Fatui soldiers..? Maybe the ones he trains..? No, the 9th doesn't train since he doesn't fight...

Maybe the one who takes the 9th place of the 11 Fatui Harbingers, used to be a Student at that Akademiya. Both of them looked around the same age and both of them were smart enough to be at least decent at that school. But, wasn't there a rumour that Pantalone grew up poor, the fees of that school have a price that not just anybody can afford, unless they have a scholarship. But only those seen as "average" get them.

But, although the possibilities were rare... Could Zandik and Dottore be the same person all at once?

It would make sense though since, Zandik only said he went to the Akademiya. He never said if he graduated from it though. And Dottore has is past sort of well known to those whose work has been somewhat related to his. Now most people know that he was expelled from that Akademiya for his inhuman experiments but, one of the higher harbingers, supposedly the first, gave him the opportunity to continue testing those blasphemous theories of his.

But, it was late. You didn't want to ask him any questions. Maybe you'll ask him tomorrow at his lab.

Me reading this is in like one year wondering what the hell was I doing:

Y'all reading the end basically realizing I did a cliff hanger once again (maybe on the verge on blocking (MAYBE unfollowing - 😒) me for being lazy and not writing the end bc I write right before sleeping-:

YEAH UHH adding memes at the end of my posts is definitely something I'll start doing more because it's fun. *cries in cramp pain* I MAY START AN AO3 WHERE I UPLOAD ALL THE CHAPTERS OF THIS FIC- ANYWAYS BYEEE-