#bc why are y'all acting like we have nothing due ever

[izanas-servant]

Unnamed for good reasons

So my teacher though it would be a good Idea to let us write a short story as homework and gave us a word limit of 400 words (like that's literally nothing) But I still wrote this thing. Actually while writing this I had to think about Kokonoi and Inui all the time because it could be them... But my teacher doesn't know so I don't really care 🍵

I still would be happy for some feedback, tips and maybe an idea for a title bcs I'm not creative at all TwT

Thank you <3

-------------------------------------------------------

'I lo—'

'No, please… Don’t say that. You love her, not me.' I look at him. The boy I used to love for years. I would always run after him but he never cared for me. He only had eyes for her. Being with me was never an option for him. Until that tragic day.

'But you have loved me since the day you first saw me. I know you still love me. So why won't you just accept my feelings for you?' With every word he says his voice goes louder and louder. But I'm calm. I'm not scared of him. I know him. He would never do anything to me because I look exactly like her.

'Of course I still love you. I followed you around like a lost puppy for three years of my stupid life. But you didn't even look at me, even though I would have done anything for you. But you only had eyes for her all the time! Whenever you were over you just acted like I didn't even exist! But just because she is gone you want me? So now you see me?' I feel a wave of anger coming over me. How could a person be that selfish?

'Are you really that stupid? This is what you wanted all the time! You should be thankful I give you that chance! You should be–'

'No! Shut up! You are trying to say I should be thankful? Why should I be thankful for someone who just pretends to be in love with me? You could never love me for who I really am! So please…Just accept it and leave me alone…'

Tears are swelling up in his eyes and he looks directly into my eyes. Deep inside I feel sad and my heart wants to give in. But that would be naive. I would do exactly what he wants. But in the end he is right. That's all I ever wanted. Due to my inner conflict I don't realize I start crying.

He comes closer to hold me in his arms. And I let him… He whispers into my ear: 'We both know this is the best for both of us. You will finally be happy because that's what you wanted from the beginning right? It's just you and me. Until the day we die.'

-------------------------------------------------------

Thank you for reading this pathetic attempt of a short story. I'm open to critism so don't hold back.

ANYWAY have a great day y'all (⁠｡⁠･⁠ω⁠･⁠｡⁠)⁠ﾉ⁠♡

[kuiinncedes]

hjfhgfhghfj

[babygirlizz]

Movies and TV shows of 2019

Okay so a couple or few years ago I did a review of movies that had released that year because I was super into movies that year. I am still into movies, but I have been watching a lot more shows this year. So, I will be reviewing movies and tv shows. Furthermore, I will be including stuff released this year, that I found this year, or that has a new season this year. Basically just anything that I have loved this year. Also, I don’t feel like ranking, so no particular order. Also, SPOILERS AHEAD - if you see a title of something you have not seen, and don’t want spoilers, please feel free to skip that section. Also, some of these I haven’t seen in a hot minute so if I get a detail messed up, we won’t speak on it. And finally, trigger warning - if you have struggled with sexual assault and may have an issue reading about it, either skip this post entirely or skip over the review of “Unbelievable.”

MOVIES -

1. After

I have been waiting for this since middle school. I read the after books on wattpad because what teenager in love with harry styles didn’t. Now I will be real with y'all. The acting could use some work in specific scenes, and some of the actors aren't MY favorite picks for certain roles, but I’m not gonna hate on actors. Ok so, Tessa (Josephine Langford) is an incoming freshman in college and is rooming with an upperclassmen, Steph (Khadijha Red Thunder) who has a friend named Hardin (Hero Fiennes-Tiffin). Steph wants Tessa to branch out and do new things, so she invites her to a party, where they play the stereotypical games, and thats when Hardin is kind of dared to make Tessa fall in love with him. ALSO, Tessa has a high school boyfriend named Noah (Dylan Arnold). She starts seeing Hardin, her boyfriend finds out, she falls in love with Hardin, and finds out it was all a dare. Buuuuuuut, pLoT tWiSt he actually loves her.

2. Avengers: Endgame

Ok listen, Infinity War was heartbreaking bc Bucky duh, but y'all are really gonna take Tony (RDJ) and Steve (Chris Evans) away from me? Shut up. Still, this was a really good movie and I’m not just saying that because I’m a marvel hoe. FRICK Thanos and thats on Ant Man. Thats literally all I have to say.

3. Annabelle Comes Home

I am a whore for scary movies. I love them so much and this one was *chefs kiss*. I love Mckenna Grace, she's such a good young actress and she fits so well in scary moves. There’s not much to say about the plot in this one, and ya really need to see it. Also, Bob (Michael Cimino) is so heckin cute what the heck.

4. Let It Snow

Ok this is a lot to unpack so grab ya snacks. Let’s talk about couple number 1 (of 3), Tobin (Mitchell Hope) and Angie (Kiernan Shipka) who are best friends. Tobin is in love with Angie but doesn’t know how to tell her, and gets lots of unwanted encouragement from his best friend Keon (Jacob Batalon) who just wants to throw a heckin good party, is that too much to ask for? So Angie gets invited to a party by some cute guy, JP (M and Tobin is jealous but goes with her anyways and they steal a keg for Keon’s party and run from the scary hosts of the party and end up stranded in a church after his car spins out of control. They finally make it to the party and kiss on the roof with the waffle town sign shining bright behind them. NEXT - we have Julie (Isabela Merced) and Stuart (Shameik Moore). This is kind of really cliche with the whole “he’s-famous-she-doesn’t-care-he-finds-that-attractive-lets-fall-in-love” aspect, but its also hella cute uwu. They meet on a train and the train stops so they go eat at the waffle town and go sledding and do a bunch of cute coupley shit. His manager comes to get him and basically tells her that nothing will ever really happen between them and he leaves. Then, he shows up at the party and they fall in love. NEXT- we have Dorrie (Liv Hewson) who is a lesbian that constantly struggles with the gay panic. Her best friend Addie (Odeya Rush) doesn't help much either because she's having her own relationship problems. Dorrie works at Waffle Town and when she's working the girl she's talking to, Kerry (Anna Akana) comes in with her dance team, and she's not out of the closet. A bunch of shit goes down, but they end up together and Dorrie learns that she’s worth more than she thinks and that’s all that matters. Also, Billy (Miles Robbins) and Tin Foil Woman (Joan Cusack) make wonderful additions to this movie.

5. The King

First of all - Timothée Chalamet and Robert Pattinson in the same movie? Sign me the HECK up. But they’re also historical, frick yea. Not too much to say about this movie other than it’s good. Super graphic (don’t watch if you don’t like decapitation lol) and super long, but good nonetheless.

6. Falling Inn Love

This movie is super freaking cute. Gabriela (Christina Milian) decides that she needs a change and enters a contest to win an Inn in New Zealand. She wins the Inn and is shocked when she realizes the Inn needs a LOT of work. She goes around town to get stuff to fix up the Inn and constantly runs into Jake (Adam Demos) and they have this flirty but we don’t like each other relationship, but then ya know, they fall in(n) love. 

SHOWS -

1. The Society

I could talk about this show for hours, literally. I love it so much it’s insane. Ok, so lets start from the beginning. A town called West Ham is being plagued by a disgusting smell. Due to this, the town decides to send busloads of teenagers to the mountains while they try and resolve the smell situation. All of the teenagers fall asleep on the bus and wake up to the announcement that they had to go back home due to road blocks. When they get off the buses, its late and no one is there to pick them up. They think that it may just be a sense of miscommunication, so they head home, only to find that none of their families are there, and they can’t get ahold of any of them over the phone. They finally decide to investigate and find that all exits out of town are completely blocked off. They then decide to find a way to survive without their families. This causes a lot of tension within the town including the death of a main character. This shows also includes gay representation!!!! This is my favorite couple, Sam (Sean Birdy) and Grizz (Jack Mulhern). Sam is deaf and gay and his brother, Campbell (Toby Wallace), makes fun of him for both reasons, and when the whole issue with the town happens, he believes he will never find love because he doesn’t think anyone else is gay, until Grizz comes along, and tries to learn ASL and loves him for him.

2. Roswell New Mexico

Alright, to be completely honest, I did not want to watch this. I have no idea why I just didn’t. I saw an edit on like instagram or something of the couples in the show and I was like, alright I can give it a chance. And spoiler alert I loved it. The series starts off with Liz Ortecho (Jeanine Mason) comes back to her hometown of Roswell around the time of her the anniversary of her sister, Rosa’s (Amber Midthunder), death. She gets pulled over on her way in and the officer that pulled her over was Max Evans (Nathan Parsons), who has had a crush on her since they first met, and just so happens to be an alien. After Liz gets shot in her families restaurant, Max uses his healing powers to save her, but leaves behind a hand print on her that makes her suspicious. She continues to investigate until he tells her the truth. She also finds out that her sister was actually murdered, and has the same hand print on her that she did when Max healed her. Turns out, his sister, Isobel (Lily Cowels) killed her, but it was actually another alien possessing her (which they didn’t know was possible when she killed her). When they landed on earth they also landed with their “brother” Michael (Michael Vlamis) who starts off the series with an on and off relationship with Alex (Tyler Blackburn) and I love them together. Alex is the son of one of the guys trying to find and take down the aliens and he also went to war and lost his leg. Anyways, towards the end of the season Alex starts seeing Maria (Heather Hemmens), which is a couple I don’t really like, but also bi representation is good! Anyways I don’t really wanna spoil this one too much I just love it a lot.

3. Elite

This is a show that came out in 2018, but they released a second season this year. All I’m saying is please watch the original version, not the dubbed over version. Elite is a spanish show about a few students that get a scholarship to the private school after their school gets demolished. This shows is in the fashion of present and past which includes a lot of flashbacks leading up to the the murder of one of the students. My favorite part of this show is the relationship between Ander (Arón Piper) and Omar (Omar Ayuso). Ander is the son of the head of the school and Omar is the brother of one of the students that got a scholarship. Not only are they of different socioeconomic status’, but Omar is also Muslim, and his family would not approve of him being gay. He finally finds the courage to tell his family, but thats not until season 2. Also, his sister Nadia (Mina El Hammani) falls in love with the “bad boy” of the school, Guzmán (Miguel Bernardeau) and starts going against her parents wishes as well.

4. The Umbrella Academy 

Y’all mind if I confuse y'all real quick. So, a bunch of women all of the sudden give birth out of nowhere at the same time even tho none of them were pregnant? Yea I know weird. Anyways, so this dude tries to adopt as many of them as possible and ends up adopting like 7. They all have powers and they try and stop the apocalypse. That’s literally all I can tell y'all. 

5. Unbelievable

I swear I didn’t mean to get y’all upset right now. This show made me angry and sad and so many other feelings all at once. So the show beings with a girl named Marie (Kaitlyn Dever) getting raped in her home. When she reports it, they can’t find any evidence, as he cleaned the apartment and made her shower. This mixed with the fact that she struggles remembering parts of her experience (which is common with sexual assault), the police don’t believe her and force her to retract her statement. This in itself is awful, but they also charge her with false statement, which adds on to the fact that people already believe that she is a liar. Years later, two female detectives, Karen and Grace, piece together rapes in their precincts and once they find the rapist, they find Marie’s picture in with his belongings, proving that she was telling the truth the entire time.

6. Sailor Moon

I just got into anime and all I have to say is that I love this. That is all.

[just-bpd-thoughts]

I have a lot of followers on this account and I need to vent my emotions somewhere so like hey y'all

I haven't been super active in a long time bc of life, which is how it goes sometimes yk. But for the past several years, life for me has been dealing with abusers and facing trauma on top of trauma. My biggest abuser has been my mother, and mother's day was yesterday, which is why I'm thinking and feeling so much about this.

She victimized me for years. My entire high school career was ruined because I was too busy being her emotional dumping ground and protector, as well as her punching bag. There were days when I had to miss school to make sure she didn't hurt herself or to make sure my brother didn't kill her. And she often tossed my needs to the side, as I would ask for things I needed and wouldn't receive them for months on end, if at all. She put off making important appointments and phone calls for me. And then she vilified me for not being able to take care of myself properly due to my mental illnesses.

She was constantly belittling me for the negative effects my mental illnesses had on my life, even though she had a lot of the same illnesses and saw a therapist. We did therapy together and she never wanted to work through anything. She only admitted to having done something wrong when we were in therapy. She didn't talk about her emotions or about boundaries, she just did the bare minimum to get us through the appointment.

I didn't even know how bad it really was until I reconnected with a childhood friend and got to know their best friend (who would become my now girlfriend of almost 8 months) after all of my other friends had virtually disappeared from my life because I was so draining to be around anymore because I was a wreck at all times. Until then I didn't know how wrong my mom was and how unnatural and toxic our relationship had become. What my friend and girlfriend got me to see was that my mom and I were entirely codependent, and I was trapped in a cycle of abuse, and I needed to get out. Especially because mere weeks after my girlfriend and I got together, my parents started planning to move six hours away from home. I didn't finally realize that I didn't have to go with them until a week before the move, and up to that point, every day I woke up thinking that soon i was going to be torn from everything and everyone in my life that mattered, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. And I knew that if I had to go through with that, I wasn't going to survive. Either I was going to wind up dying or completely self destructing.

Leaving my mom's home was a fucking FEAT. But my loved ones gave me the means and the courage to do it. She made me help her move, and then brought me back to where I'd be living. I stayed at her new house for a little over two weeks, and she let me bring one of my close friends (in fact, OFFERED to let me bring said friend, it was her idea, and then she treated me like a nuisance later bc my friend came along w us). She treated me like garbage every day. She was always putting me down and being passive aggressive and getting an attitude with me, for no reason. She started pointless and petty arguments in front of my friend and verbally abused me the whole way through with zero fucking remorse. The day before she took me back, she got into two fights with me, the first one in a goddamn IHOP bc she said I "might as well be an atheist" simply because I'm not a Christian and I told her that it hurt my feelings to hear her say that because she knew I had a religion, and she lost her MIND, because how DARE I tell her she did something wrong? And the second was me crying to her and begging her to stop bullying me all the time and to just be my mom, which she didn't listen to at all and instead screamed at me for an hour or so about how rotten I was for wanting to leave

This was at the end of November and the beginning of December. She left me in the town I live on December 4th. Since then, she has started COUNTLESS disputes with me over social media for no reason. She has threatened me and blackmailed me, saying she'd come get me, which she can do because she convinced me to let her get legal guardianship over my person when I turned 18, telling me it was "in my best interest" and "for my health and well being". She has stolen money from me and conned me out of money when she has more than she needs and I'm living off of social security. She has publicly abused me on my Facebook page for my friends and other loved ones to see, talking to those who came to my defense like they were less than human to her, throwing slurs at my queer friends. Talking to me like I was garbage while people watched and then praising herself for being so good to me. This has further hindered my quality of life as well as my education.

She bounces between that sort of behavior and telling me about her art projects and how much she misses me. The past few days she's been nice, when last weekend, she was a terror. This past Friday my therapist told me I don't have to make any decisions yet about whether I should - or even want to - have my mom in my life. But today she finally sent me a friend request on Facebook again, after not having me on social media for awhile because of the aforementioned arguing. So before I accepted it I told her that my boundary is that she can't start fights with me over the shit I post because I will post what I want on my Facebook and none of it is ever meant to have a go at her. She simply said "understood love you" and that was that.

Then I was scrolling through her Facebook a little bit ago, and she had shared something. It was a shoddy list of the defining characteristics of a narcissist. And she captioned it with something that alluded to me being a narcissist and not even realizing it, without using my name (but of course she misgendered me on purpose). And that just fucking BITES. More than I can even say.

She's mean to me so often. She's so abysmally nasty to me. She treats me like dirt and I'm still so nice to her all the time and she still acts like I'm the bad guy. Like I'm not her fucking KID. Like she didn't and doesn't hold a position of power over me. Like it's even possible for her to be victimized by me. And then she tells me that I play the victim so much that I can't see the error of my ways ?!?!!?!??

When she was still arguing with my Facebook friends some months ago, she posted something in a comment thread while responding to my girlfriend's dad (who was standing up for me). She told him that I was going to tell him to lay off of her because, ever since my dad passed, I would "do anything" to keep her in my life. So she admitted that she knows she holds power over me emotionally and that she can and will use that to her advantage any and every time she feels she needs to. Publicly.

And now she's still acting like I'm a narcissist and a manipulator ???

Tl;dr moms ain't shit

[fatui-harbingers]

I really don't get why people would even want to leave a rude comment on a fic. And I don't know how people get past it! Rude comments are one reason I'm waiting until I feel my writing is good enough at the very least before posting anything (my sister thinks I should but my writing is crap right now, which I know bc I used to be really good). Like, it would crush me and I probably wouldn't post anything for a very long time if someone was rude bc I would be so scared to get another nasty comment. I could have a thousand positive comments and get one rude comment and it would ruin my day.

It would probably ruin a whole month bc I don't forget stuff like that easily due to having really bad anxiety. That's why it drives me crazy to see people say ”why are you so upset? It was just a comment, move on!” bc not everyone can move on as easily as you. Some people have anxiety and some people are new at writing and are still figuring everything out.

I used to be a pretty good writer but then I had a bad depressive episode and I didn't write for about a year. I still don't write often enough to get back to the writer I was and part of the problem is my anxiety (bc my mind is everywhere worrying about everything now).

I really enjoy writing even though I'm not as good as I would like atm but I still wouldn't post anything until I felt I wrote a good story. I've used writing fanfics instead of writing a diary (it just feels better, I guess bc I focus on everything but my real-world problems) so I didn't put enough effort into making it something for others to read since I didn't plan on ever sharing it.

My cousin just started writing and she had asked to send me her character descriptions to see what I thought and if she needed to work on something specific. She (thankfully) knew she could come to me for tips and necessary info to write characters that aren't like her at all. I told her beforehand that nothing I said would ever be rude and I was just there to assist if she wanted my help, nothing else. She should write her way and if she's unsure about something, needs some info or just someone's opinion, she knows I'm there. It was especially nice bc I've been feeling pretty bad about my writing skills lately so when she texted me and said ”yeah, I came to you bc you've been writing for like, years so I knew you could help”.

I do my best writing after reading books. I did my best while I was reading Twilight and Divergent. It's a lot easier than reading a book about how to write since you have interesting ”examples” right in front of you and a whole story to enjoy while learning!

It's really fun to write even though it's tiring and stressful. It can really help you get in touch with your emotions! I write in the first person so that makes it worse when writing sad stuff (sad stuff gets to me the most for some reason). I will literally cry if I think about something sad I want to write long enough (which is one of many reasons I felt acting was for me. Gotta be able to get into the mind of the character!).

Another reason I don't want to post anything (not that I really have anything I would post anyway) is bc I cannot write smut. I mean, I could try but it wouldn't be right bc I have zero sexual experience (well, not zero. I take care of myself, if you know what I mean) so I don't feel I could adequately write such scenes and make you squirm while you read! I know it's wrong but if I were to write smut, I would want you getting hot and bothered and squirming around bc I wrote it well enough to make you feel that way (I know, I'm horrible)! It seems you have to write smut to get noticed but I already knew that bc of the whole sex sells (not literally in this case) thing.

So, with my insecurities laid out on the internet, you could see why a negative comment would hurt someone. Some of us are plagued by terrible anxiety and some of us have both depression AND anxiety, which plenty of people know are a terrible mix.

If I got a rude comment, I would probably cry when everyone else was asleep so I could just get it all out. And I would do that for a few nights and then end up thinking about it for a month or so before I finally had something good enough happen to keep me from constantly thinking about it.

I really don't understand why anyone would even want to leave any kind of negative comment. It just doesn't make sense to me! It's not that hard to just move on to a fic you like. Someone really enjoyed writing their story and decided to share it with the world FREE OF CHARGE and leaving a nasty comment could ruin that for them. Why would you want to do that?

You could keep someone from ever posting again. They could just stop writing altogether bc of your nastiness! Why would anyone want to do that to another person? And, saying things like ”this is the internet, what did you expect? Get used to it” doesn't excuse being a crappy person. Just bc you're behind a screen rather than face to face with the author doesn't give you the excuse to be horrible.

You still should be a decent human being whether you're online or with other living creatures. I don't know why it's so hard for people to be kind until given a good reason not to be. This is just crazy y'all. I can't believe we have to tell people they should be nice to others!

This was much longer than I had intended but whatever. My blog anyways. And since when do text posts even get that much attention? Lol, I think I'm good now. Just needed to vent again I guess!

[punkinroses]

*cracks knuckles*

So. Guess who works for an obgyn at the front desk?? This bitch!!

I first found out how expensive it was to even have a natural vaginal birth when I started working there. For us, on the clinical side of things, it's over 4,000 dollars. And that's like...all of your appts, the doctors fee for delivery, etc. The hospital billing is different. It could be different elsewhere I just know that's how ours works (ours is also a technically nonprofit catholic based hospital so).

But again. Clinical amd hospital side are different. And hospital sides can charge you up the ass for anything and everything (sidenote: I know from experience how much shit can cost medically from growing up in a family with shit health. When I was 12, I had to have heart surgery to patch up a hole I had. Yeah we knew the surgery was going to be expensive. But y'all wanna know how much the fucking paper umbrella they shoved in there to cover the hole cost? Just the paper umbrella, nothing else? $8,000. THEY DEADASS TOLD TWELVE YEAR OLD ME THAT.)

We have the option to do pre payments based on your insurance, you'd have six installments. Anywhere between 100 to 200 something. Again, solely for clinical side. And I've seen charges that didn't go to those but were from ob visits. Labs, tests, etc.

All insurance basically acts a little differently. There's a few that'll at least cover it 100% at our hospital or at least in the state of Arkansas.

AR Medicaid is...kinda bullshit. Bc technically they're SUPPOSED to cover it all.

Yeah. No.

If you have to have an assistant surgeon during a c-section for whatever reason, even if it's absolutely necessary, they will not cover it. They also won't cover certain shots at our clinic. They won't cover rhogam, the flu shot and a couple other things. (Which heads up, if you're in arkansas and you're pregnant, they will cover those shots at the health department. No idea why that makes a difference but). And it sucks because if they need the rhogam shot, they can only do it at ours.

Oh and they only cover 2 ultra sounds and 2 fetal non stress tests. That last one is what pisses me off.

Like yeah ultra sounds are expensive. Like over 100 dollars per ultra sound, I'dsay about $160 something at our clinic. And if they only cover 2? And you need more than that? Have fun.

But the NSTs are even more bullshit. Because if you have to have them...they're twice a week. You come in twice a week, every week, to have them done and that can start even in your 20 something week appts. So those bills add up.

I feel stressed out for our patients constantly, especially for those who don't get to have the billing conversation until they're late in their pregnancy for whatever reason.

I get stressed over the thought of ever having to give birth. And not even due to the exhaustive part of it, it's due to money.

Tl;dr SHIT IS EXPENSIVE AND ITS COMPLETE BULLSHIT.

That’s why we need Medicare for all.

[survivor-islands-of-adventure]

EPISODE 11

So I really pushed for it and it happened, Madison is officially gone and that’s one less person I gotta suck up to. But now mark is pissed at me. WHY WOULD WE VOTE KAREN OFF. She does not have a strong game, she’s floundering, she’s a prefect goat to take to the end. But whatever! Be as mad as you want. I was trying to help us both. But you just wanna be a big MAN BABY because I’m not letting you run this game. Remember how I said I wanted to run this and take no prisoners- well it’s now in full fuckin swing. I’ll do anything to get to the end. Even if that means cutting off mark, my number one ally. I’m actually super upset because I feel like he won’t be my friend anymore and wow I need to stop rambling whatever goodnight goodbye Goodluck 

I did a confessional before i got a strike lmaoooo I won immunity bitches time for revenge in Madison’s name. I’d love to just take out Tracey’s boring ass this round but there’s bigger threats in the game and unfortunately she’s not a threat to anyone or anything ever so let’s hope we can actually flush stoners idol this round and take out dan or drew 

I didn't win immunity but i beat Drew the legend's score so im really happy about that. Tonight's plan is to tell people we're voting dan but actually vote drew, so I'm hoping it's seamless and not a fucking trainwreck like it has been. We're also trying to get Chris to use his idol. Lastly, im not sure i trust charlie atm. Mark wants her in on the Drew vote but im nervous that she might spill. 

mark brought up a good point, but pat could potentially play the sapphire idol this round or the next for a big move, and with the way the game is going, one of these two tribals is probably the time to play it to try and swing some momentum back in his favor while also making a big move to add to his resume. just ideas™ in my head

Another fucking mess vote. Will I vote Drew? Maybe. Will I vote Chelsea? Maybe. Am I getting blindsided? Maybe. Idk it just feels weird. I feel like people are talking a lot but not a lot at the same time. Like we’re all beating around the bush. Let’s hop to it ladies. I’ll proabbly turn on Drew this week, I hope that doesn’t effect anything with Stoner in this game or the other game I’m in with him.

I'm writing another log because I'm so nervous for tonight once again. Idk why but I'm skeptical about Pippa being included in our voting information because I think she is secretly spying for Chris. The other night I told Pippa that I might vote Chris and not even a minute later, he messages me saying "I heard I'm getting votes against me." Coincidence? Idk. I want to be able to network and work with people but I don't know who to trust. Pat and Mark are pretty cool, but even Sammy I'm a little bit worried about. On the same night with the Pippa situation, I got a message from Chris telling me that Sammy asked him if he would vote me. So, now I'm not sure if Chris was just baiting me to start a fight, or if Sammy might also be working with Chris. Fuck. 

This round is a mess but honestly, I’m like so here for it. I’m lowkey hoping Pat hits the bricks bc I told Drew he’s getting all the votes. I can’t wait to get voted out hahahahahaha. That would be so fucking funny. Everyone thinks Chris has the idol, but Drew does :~)

so this round has been very boring. Everyone is being predictable and sticking with their comfort.  However I really want to switch things up and stop giving Tracey stoner and Chris so much power. Tracey just keeps coming to me to get information and it's low-key annoying cause like obvs I know she is working w Chris and Drew.  Like she could be making power moves but she has not worked w me once and keeps like not going w anything I tell her. lmao whatever.

I feel like I have my little baby hands in every honey pot in this game. I’m the swing vote but I’m also deciding who it swings on. I’m letting Mark and drew think they’re picking who the vote is, but I’m whispering in their ears ehehhehe. Hopefully drew goes home tonight and stoner uses his idol

So uhhhhh last tribal was iconic skdndkndkdnd it actually worked and I'm still here ??????? Anyway nothing new has really happened so yeah :/ but um the others are flushing chris' idol and me drew and Chris are voting for Sammy. Also I need to keep an eye on dan because he still seems like a flip flopped skcjfkfnfj

CONFESSIONAL: This week is supposed to go smoothly. My alliance of sammy chelsea and mark is going well. I trust them a lot. With my alliance members getting voted out its easier for them to want to vote for me in the end. I miss madison but we have to keep moving forward to eliiminate drew, chris and tracey. i CANNOT STAND THEM. especially tracey. if she takes me out i will actually cry. No matter what happens atlast i have majority. and it seeeeeeems like people are noticing me and I realllllyyyy like that. Like if they keep going for chelsea and mark Its going to be amazing. This is literally how I won my BB game so I think this is a good way to get myself into the same position

OKAY SO SOMEHOW the concept of voting out madison actually worked?? Charlotte's interest in playing both sides was so incredible and useful in the last minute. Rip Ricky btw, i hope by the time this comes out, things are better for him. So the challenge was firedragon, which means i lost right the fuck away. So once again, a brilliant idol play was necessary. I'm bitter af that it couldn't be Chelsea ...but sammy probably was the better call. But now i'm stuck, F8, no idol, very little hope. It's nearing the end of the road but honestly making it this far is a triumph in itself.

SAMMY IS VOTED OUT

I’m shook. This is my third individual immunity win. My target is definitely growing but I still feel like I’m playing a reasonable game. I would love for Pat to use his Sapphire idol this week bc I would be safe regardless, but honestly Drew is the easy vote. The only thing that sucks is that he knows Pat has the Sapphire idol and if I flip, he could easily tell Pat or others about me telling him. I could do some damage control this week and tell Pat that Drew asked me if Pat had won the power and I said idk. And act like drew knew where everyone competed and it’s wideled down to Pat possibly having it. That’s a little risky but if it comes out that Drew told Pat I told him about the idol, it could save me and I can easily back pedal and say that Drew has a lucky guess. But at the same time, why would Drew lie if he was going out the door hnnnnn. It’s best if Pat doesn’t feel safe this week/thinks it’s gonna go to rocks. I think I could push a tie narrative by throwing Charlotte under the bus, but we’ll see. Regardless I’m going to the f7 and hopefully I have a solid group of 4 and maybe an idol of my own up my sleeve. 

Okay I literally forgot that prevotes are due tonight; not being in an alliance chat this round made things weird, but iIve been working with Pat, Dan, Mark, and Charlotte to find the idol this entire time. I'm gonna be voting Chris, Tracey, or Drew, but I guess I should be talking to people about that and not idol clues lmfao.

Trying to fucking explain to Pat how his own Sapphire idol works is like trying to explain not being racist to my Uncle Bill. It’s just not....happening. 

So!!!!!! Another tribal another person gone whew it sucka that it had to be sammy bc I actually wanted to work with him a bit but I gotta do what I gotta do to stay in the game. We had touchy subjects this round and I got most annoying which I'm sure I got bc I snapped in the tribe chat that one time JSJDJDJDJ and who doesn't deserve to still be here which is like ????? I get it!!! Y'all wanted me out for so long but you can't your way bc I'm smarter but w/e!!!! They can stay hatin ! I think I got most likely to get to the end and win or lose idk but I like my odds tbh rkdjdofnfk so this round will prob end being split 4-4 which is exciting bc it means we'll prob be going to rocks !!!! I'm nervous about being rocked out but hey at least it'll be exciting lol. I'm hoping after this round or next round to get dan out tho, he's playing a superb game and it'd be a great move to take him out t b h

Eek I really hope drew finally goes home! Glad I won funniest tbh! Haha! I’ll make a longer confessional later! I’ll prob be sent home tonight oh whale

I LOST THE CHALLENGE I DON'T HAVE AN IDOL This should spell death for me. It really should. it probably still will. But I have three people willing to vote with me, two willing to pull a rock for me. So far, at least. A lot of shit changes when the revote is upon us. There's also Pat's sapphire idol to think about. I'm honestly not expecting to make it through this round but if I do, there are only four rounds left to go. Four rounds, it's not that much. We're trying to vote Pat because making me and Pat both safe was the best way to keep Dan on board with the plan. That and the fact that he won immunity and wouldn't pull a rock. Also I got biggest threat and needs to go next. These whores really know how to flatter a bitch.

IM FINALLY VOTING TRACEY OUT.. too bad shes not actually going home bc Pat has the reward from the dark week. He started getting nervous with his name apparently going around this vote and only charlotte or dan would need to flip to cause rocks/send pat home. So Pat is safe with his idol but it cancels votes for the top 2 vote getters. So we had to maneuver the votes so Tracey is actually the second vote getter and Drew is the 3rd so Drew goes home. Me Dan Pat and Chelsea searched every name in survivor history on the blog for the clues to the idol, and then searched those numbers. We dont have it yet but should soon. Touchy subjects was interesting. Apparently i really am perceived to be running this game, not sure how that happened. But hopefully if i get to the end after "running the game"  since merge thatll make up the lack of social game i have compared to some of the people left in the game.