#bc when i did that i got the idea for wraith journalism and that made me so fucking excited i barely slept for a week

[elliot-orion]

Im back on my shit yall ignore me

ive been really really frustrated bc after finishing the rewrite for ATDADT (which isnt even fully done btw it needs a ton of work and additions), work on the DHU has, very effectively, stopped dead in its tracks. And im very much like. ??? at first i thought it was just my brain being my brain and not wanting to focus on any one project, which totally is a part of it, but after a lot of thinking (cough, talking to my cat) I think ive figured out that its not. just that this time? bc it doesnt feel the same as it usually does you know? usually its very much like, brain fog, staring at the screen, writing tons of starts and not settling on something for a week, lots of playing on random sites being distracted. but guys its been a month since then. (3 weeks technically, same thing.) and its never lasted this long, excluding last summer when i burned myself out with nano. im not feeling burned out though, ive got all these ideas im actually really excited about! i just keep fizzling with them whenever i think of a plot to make them longer. Which is what got me thinking because the fizzling out the second i think of doing something longer all started when i decided on the big overarching thing i wanted to do for the DHU. And you know i was excited for that at first, but largely i was annoyed with myself bc it’d be a lot of work. like the first thing i said when i thought of it was “ugh this is going to take FOREVER.” and i keep killing my creativity bc i’m thinking “gotta save that to work on later ive got this stuff to do first.” Like holy shit i want to work on the dark elemental so fucking bad guys but i keep telling myself no. So like, i think this big overarching thing for the DHU is, in a way, ruining the DHU. But i also dont want to say fuck it and throw it out entirely you know? Bc that makes me sad, it’d have been so fucking cool you know? But then i remember, like, you dont need to go for publishing right out of college. It’s going to feel like it bc im a creative writing major and thats sort of the goal everyone will be working for, but i dont HAVE to. Ive got a career im working towards outside of that, getting a certificate in it and whatnot, and there’s no reason i need to dive immediately into publishing. i could work on the DHU for decades before i decide to put it out there. I’ve been putting unnecessary deadlines on myself, which always ALWAYS stiffles my creativity. Its why i was a bit worried about the creative writing major (its very different when its short stories, though, then i need a deadline and a prompt or its not happening. its why i can only write short things when given drabble prompts basically. Otherwise my mind goes way to big and expansive, but if you give me a hard, must be done in a week, must have this word length, and must be about this, i can focus enough to do it. Novels tho? the easiest way to stop me in my tracks) Like, literally, thinking of publishing and giving myself a deadline for that is what stopped me from working on Paper Stars, and i still ADORE that book and want to work on it, but i havent been able to go back bc of that. even if its 4 years, thats still enough to stop me. 

SO from now on im going to stop saying “im not thinking about publishing till after college,” im going to say “ill think about publishing when im ready, but im not yet.” It’s not going to be a “in four years thing” its a “whenever it feels right,” and thats what im going to focus on. im going to focus on writing what makes me happy and excited, because that’s how i get the best writing done, and im just going to stop taking pressure off myself.