#bc whatever its got to offer is rotten and empty

[rcris123]

LRT (last reblogged post)

[captain-oblivious]

how to make people think you have your shit together: a guide

(based on my [a 22-yo] experience with having friends unexpectedly stop by at my apartment for the past half year; and also with living pretty much completely alone for the past 4 years or so)

feel free to pick and choose from these points as you see fit; even just adding one or two of them to your routine helps! also note that I’m in Canada, so some of you folks may have different customs about being a polite host and whatnot, but the cleaning stuff should be mostly universal.

putting this under a cut bc wow this got long!

general hosting shit:

have a wide variety of tea and offer it to everyone who enters your home; keep at least one moderately-nice tin of loose leaf in case you encounter a tea snob. bonus points if you know what kinds of tea you have by memory (I’m still working on that one). also, it’s a good idea to have milk/sugar (or at least sugar) in case people take their tea with that

if coffee is your thing, have some sort of coffee to offer, though tea is generally easier bc it generally involves less prep/cleaning

always have some sort of moderately-fancy snack to offer with the tea, like those assorted biscuits you see at catered events

if your guests decline snacks/beverages, keep offering them at one-hour or so intervals in case your guests suddenly realize they’re peckish/thirsty. if you have trouble keeping track of time, try to remind yourself to ask anytime you grab a snack/drink for yourself, or anytime you return from using the bathroom

if you have an entry closet, offer to hang everyone’s coats (if they’re wearing any) up if you’re able to do so; people love that shit and it makes you look mature

if you’re chilling with people you’re close with, offer them (clean!) blankets. people love blankets.

hardcore mode (advanced hosts only): if there’s a meal you can cook consistently without fucking it up, always have ingredients for it on hand, and offer to make it for people if it’s around some sort of mealtime

general cleaning:

for prioritizing cleaning, messes from grossest-appearing to least gross-appearing are roughly: dirty toilets and sanitary waste, rotten food, (depending on smelliness those two can switch places sometimes,) dirty bathrooms, non-rotten food waste, non-food waste (used tissues, used makeup wipes, etc) dirty laundry, recycling waste, (clean, empty cans/bottles, scrap paper, etc; non-clean cans/bottles are food waste and therefore more gross,) dusty surfaces.

so generally, the gross parts of the bathroom are probably your biggest priority, followed by any food waste you have lying around (bc that can stink up your whole apartment). next, prioritize wherever you expect your guests to be; you may be able to get away with not cleaning the kitchen if you don’t expect them to go in there. but if you do, keep that clean as well. kitchen countertops are one of the dirtiest surfaces in homes.

as a whole, note that cleaning is much more difficult to do if you marathon it all at once; it’s much more manageable if you focus on small areas (like, say, your toilet, or your desk) and spread it out over the week. but that doesn’t mean that there’s no hope if you have only short notice:

if cleaning is tough for you, keep a supply of antibacterial surface wipes on hand so that you can quickly wipe down any surface (countertops, tables, toilet seats) that might be looked at by someone when you only have 10 minutes notice of a guest entering your home

keep some closet space free to quickly toss in anything you’ve left lying around on the floor so that your guests don’t see too much shit lying around

people are willing to forgive messes a lot more if your place doesn’t smell. baking soda under sinks, in the fridge, and wherever you store garbage works wonders. trying to mask odours with febreeze or whatever… not so much, though that can be done in a pinch. (a lot of people are sensitive to the smell of stuff like febreeze, though, so using it may be inadvisable.) ofc the easiest way to stop odours is to prevent them from happening in the first place.

those swiffer mops are useful for a quick and relatively effortless sweep of non-carpet floor. or take an old pair of socks, spray them with a (skin-safe) cleaning product of your choice, and then slide around your living space in them. (you can then rinse these socks off, wring them out, and thrown them in the laundry)

carpets are a pain in the ass, but if you have carpet odour and some time on your hands, sprinkle some baking soda and leave it on the carpet before vacuuming it up. also, try to own a vacuum if you have non-removable carpet (or borrow one from a friend once in a while) bc carpets are magnets for gross shit

DO NOT MIX CLEANING PRODUCTS. YOU CAN DIE.

the less clutter you have lying around, the cleaner your place will look, so keep clutter to a minimum as much as possible. a friend of mine says you can do this my making sure “each thing has its place.” don’t worry, I haven’t gotten the hang of this one, either, but it’s a nice thing to keep in mind

do not underestimate the power of wall hangers. even those removable stick-on ones. you can keep surface clutter down much more easily by having those, and they’re a visual reminder for you to clean. things I’ve hung on wall hangers: towels/dish towels, oven mitts/pot holders, scissors, spatulas, small cutting boards, hats, a guitar, etc.

if you leave a lot of slips of paper lying around, a cork board is a great way to get rid of some of those

kitchen:

if you haven’t done your dishes, just make it look like you’ve just had a meal and are cleaning up. people don’t generally pay enough attention to realize that you probably didn’t use 4 mugs just to cook breakfast

if you really have difficulty doing the dishes sometimes, it’s okay to use disposable ones on your off days

rinse out your bottles and cartons and shit so that your recycling doesn’t smell and hence so that you can go longer periods without throwing it out 

take out your trash; there’s really no hack to this one, though if you have a small compost bin and don’t produce a lot of compost, you can keep it from smelling by keeping it in the freezer. (of course, put it in the freezer before you throw anything in it; don’t throw a full compost bin in the freezer)

if you have trouble remembering to take out your trash, keep the trash bin in a visible location (not under the sink); this also often makes taking out the trash seem like less of an ordeal

take a permanent marker and write food expiry dates on your food in large letters; this makes it easier to tell at a glance when food needs to be eaten/thrown out. it also helps for stuff that says things like “consume within 7 days of opening” and shit, and for produce, you can write when you bought it so that you have an idea of how long it’s been around. expired food is smelly and tends to gross people out more than, say, dirty laundry

you can get nifty containers that attach to your fridge and can store all sorts of shit. even ones that aren’t meant for kitchens can work; i use a little basket made for school lockers to hold pens and markers for the kitchen

try to keep the sink clean and unclogged; having bits of food left in the drain guard thing can get smelly

bathroom:

if your tub looks less-than-clean, just close the shower curtain. make sure you have a pretty shower curtain that isn’t transparent

every shower curtain I’ve seen was machine washable. so machine wash your shower curtains, at least once a month or so. you can wash them with your clothes, generally.

even if scrubbing the toilet is tiring, you can p much avoid that if you soak it in that toilet cleanser shit on a regular basis

keep a lidded, lined (with a trash bag) trash bin in your bathroom; folks who menstruate tell me they appreciate that sort of thing

if you don’t want people looking through your bathroom cabinets, keep an extra roll of toilet paper in a visible and obvious place

OWN A TOILET PLUNGER. you do not want to be caught without one.

people look at mirrors a lot, so keeping those clean helps make your bathroom look a lot cleaner

bedroom:

if you anticipate guests seeing your bed at any point, make your bed; a lot of people your age probably don’t, so it makes you look fancy even if the rest of your room is a disaster

and finally:

remember to take care of yourself! it’s much easier to handle having people over and to keep up with chores and such if you yourself are feeling well. also, you’re not obligated to host anyone to your home if you can’t/don’t want to! if you invite someone into your home, then you are doing them a favour, and if they can’t respect that, then they don’t deserve your courtesy!

so, yeah. again, some of these things are more difficult to do than others; pick and choose as many as you want/can, every little bit helps!

I hope this helps someone! in any case, I’m also posting this for my own reference tbh bc I forget these myself, sometimes. but my depressed ass generally manages to keep on top of most of these, and because of that, people who visit my place think that I’m actually a Mature Adult™

(well, except for my parents, but their standard of cleanliness is at the “unused hotel room” level, which is p much unachievable to me. meh, you can’t make everyone happy.)