#bc what does it matter that he's saved the city when he couldn't save the one person that mattered the most

[introspectivememories]

multiple fears actually

[klaineccfanficlibrary]

do you have any fics where Kurt and Blaine meet at like a highschool or college party and then go from there

Hi - I had fun putting this list together, seems I've read a lot of great party fics. Hope they are what you are looking for. (happy to have more recommendations!) ~Jen

NYADA Hallowe'en party by @snarkyhag

Klainetober 2024 prompt: Kurt and Blaine are at NYADA costume party.

Are they meeting for the first time? Is someone having a really good or really bad night? Are they wearing a couple's costume? Does a real live ghost show up?

~~~~~

Running Interference by @rockitmans

Kurt and Blaine don't want to get set up on a blind date. But when their friends get involved, what they want doesn't really matter.

~~~~~

Gorgeous by @thelegendofjenna

Kurt meets a very drunk Blaine at a college party, and they end up back in Kurt's apartment.

~~~~~

Happenstance by @thatgleekychick

When Kurt's ex-boyfriend shows up at a party to show off the person he left him for, Kurt is certain the universe is out to get him. But then he sees a cute guy standing across the room by himself, munching on a plate of pretzels, and gets an idea. AU.

~~~~~

If the Fates Allow by dahlstrom Part 1 of the Holidays' Verse

Blaine tried not to dwell on the handsome stranger he’d met — and kissed, oh god, it had been so nice — a few days earlier. Sure, he’d had beautiful eyes and a melodious voice and his hands had been really soft, but he was gone, and that was that. There were eight million people in New York City, and Blaine didn’t even know the guy’s name, let alone how to find him.

(Part 2: I Couldn't Crack the Love Code, Dear )

~~~~~

The Party Favor by @caramelcoffeeaddict Coffeeaddict80

After Blaine’s brother ditches him at a party where he doesn’t know anyone, he’s approached by Kurt who has a big favor to ask.

~~~~~

Party Gone Wrong (yet so right) by @caramelcoffeeaddict Coffeeaddict80

The party that Sebastian dragged Blaine to was awful, but the cute boy he met there wasn’t

~~~~~

Pour le Plaisir by @hazelandglasz

Anonymous asked: omg "We hooked up randomly at a party once and it turns out you’re friends with my brother AU" would be hilarious for klaine :')

~~~~~

Bang Bang by @afterthenovels

Kurt has a very loud birthday party. Blaine is the police officer who gets the noise complaint. It doesn’t go so well, until it does.

~~~~

Clinging to this hating game by notarelationship (just practising)

Based on this prompt from the Klaine-prompt-a-fic blog on tumblr:

Kurt and Blaine couldn't stand each other in high school, maybe one was a jock/cheerleader and the other a nerd/glee clubber. Or they were bitter rivals for competition solos if they were both in glee club. Now they both live in NY and their friends set them up on a blind date, not knowing they went to the same high school.

~~~~~

Let me be the one by @annepi-blog

“Oh no, Mercedes. No way.” Mercedes wants Kurt to go to a 90s and 2000s college party with her. He is persuaded by the argument that he can plan an exciting outfit. At the party, he meets his crush, who has also made an exciting fashion decision.

Inspired by the outfit Darren Criss was wearing at Jumperwall 90's - 00's Concert in February 2023.

~~~~~

Did we meet before? by @little-escapist

Written for a prompt by mynonah on tumblr, the prompt is the title.

~~~~~

Underneath it all by @heartsmadeofbooks

Blaine first meets the mysterious Kurt Hummel at his brother's engagement party, and he's immediately struck by the quiet, handsome stranger. He doesn't expect their paths to cross again, but when life gives an unexpected turn, Kurt might be the only one with the power to help him save everything he cares about.

~~~~~

Zip tease By izwordsoup @special-bc-ur-part-of-it

A college party where everyone is a little drunker than they should be, an open fly, and a dare.

~~~~~

Trick or Treatby grlnxtdr29

Kurt Hummel HATES Halloween, for good reason. But he allows Brittany to talk him into going to a Halloween Party with New Directions and The Cheerios. After the jocks play a cruel trick on him, he drives off in tears, and nearly runs over a mysterious boy in the road. Is this another Trick?

~~~~~ Raspberries and Crème by @quizasvivamos

Kurt and Blaine have never met. But they both want the D. Everything that can go wrong in smut all wrapped up in a one shot.

[amywritesthings]

gingerbread sweet. / a reiner holiday ficlet

pairing: reiner braun x f!reader ( attack on titan / shingeki no kyojin ) word count: 1.1k summary: It's the Titan frat's annual gingerbread house competition. Your boyfriend, Reiner Braun, is determined to win. You, however, are determined to distract.

tags: modern au - university, holiday fluff, gingerbread houses, all the marleyans are in a frat bc i said so, devoted boyfriend!reiner, light sexual tension credit: dividers by @saradika

welcome to the eleventh day of the twelve days of amymas !!

“Does the door look crooked to you?”

"The what?"

"The door. Look at it."

There’s nothing more amusing than watching your hulk of a boyfriend crouch over a tiny gingerbread house.

Reiner Braun squints as he presses a gumdrop to the front — circular windows make it modern, or so he claims — then pauses.

Distracted by a very minor detail, you can already feel his anxiety running his brain a mile a minute: a lopsided door may deduct a few points from Marcel's arbitrary points system from this very arbitrary holiday competition.

Because he's absolutely fucking determined to win.

Granted, the bragging rights are his, but the grand prize will not be — Reiner, of course, rarely rides this hard for something he wants.

No, he’s too willing to put everyone else's wants and needs above his own.

So the grand prize of the Titan fraternity annual gingerbread house competition is going to go to you, hell or high water.

He’s going to win you that goddamn spa day gift card that Marcel has been dangling as a sweet little incentive no matter how long it takes him to mold this gingerbread house into his image.

"I think it looks straight."

The tip of his pink tongue pokes out a little from his pressed lips as he leans in closer. "...I trust your eye more than mine."

The blonde sits up to fish for the green icing piping bag. He's gentle with the way he eases the icing along the edges of the tiny confectionary door.

(An icing wreath, like this couldn't be anymore adorable.)

“Reiner?” you coo.

“Yeah, babe.”

Flat. He’s in the zone.

“You know you don’t have to slave over this thing, right?”

You scoot your chair closer to his, dropping your temple to his large tricep.

“I can buy my own spa day card.”

“False,” he corrects. “I’ll buy you the spa day card myself, but if I gotta cheat Porco out of winning for the third year in a row. Pieck’s gone at least five times on our dime.”

"When were the other two times?" you ask, not correlating the math.

"Well, our freshman year," Reiner begins, using the green icing to make little bushes at the foundation of the house, "we did a Valentine's day relay race that ended up with Bert in urgent care with a broken nose. Then, the one-and-only pool party chicken fight tournament — Pieck and Porco fought dirty."

"Is that why it was the one and only?"

"Yeah. Bert got another bloody nose, but that time from Annie going a little too hard."

He snorts.

"We had to save him from becoming the next Owen Wilson, so — no more chicken tournaments."

Titan frat is… well, excessively competitive, you've learned in your year or so of dating Reiner.

(Blame Porco and the new pledge, Eren Yeager, for only exasperating in this year with the month-long holiday challenges.)

You shrug a shoulder. “I could help.”

“And mess up your pretty nails?” Reiner shakes his head, glancing briefly through his peripheral vision. He smirks. “Ain’t no way.”

Right.

Reiner’s also very giving, during this season — in more ways than one.

First it was the fully-paid-for manicure yesterday.

Then it was the reservation for a Christmas Eve dinner to your favorite spot in the inner city.

Now he’s trying to win Marcel's approval in this ridiculous decorating contest in your name, and you feel… well, loved.

(There's no disputing that you've won the boyfriend lottery.)

Which, of course, means you have only one thing you can do in this situation.

He’s too wound up.

Distracted.

So you reach down to the pile of icing supplies strewn about, picking the small red accented tube.

You swipe some on the tip of your finger, mindful not to get it under your nails.

Reiner doesn’t even see it happening.

He’s too busy playing fixer-upper on the front side of the house, his too-big hands delicately toying with the too-small decorations he’s pasting on the cookie.

You wait a few seconds, letting him place the door where he wishes, before swiping the icing over the side of his neck.

Reiner tenses, turning to see what the hell just hit his neck, but he’s too late—

You’re already leaning in, sliding the tip of your tongue along his skin.

The man gasps, dropping his own piping bag to the supply assortment below.

“What are you—”

“Decorating,” you murmur nonsensically, grinning from ear to ear as his attention disappears completely from the gingerbread house to you.

“The guys are in the other room,” he rasps, eyes wide.

The pledges, he means — banished to the enclosed patio as they work on their own poorly-designed houses.

Through the last year while dating Reiner,  you’ve learned very quickly how sensitive he is.

Sometimes all it takes is a look to get him hard.

Your ego has never recovered, and it’s not deflating now.

Except his eyes soften and a gentle chuckle exits his throat when his golden eyes search your face.

“Wait, you got—”

“What?”

His hand gently cradles your jaw. 

“Hold still, baby.”

His thumb raises to swipe at your nose, where his smile only grows.

You stay still, obedient to his command, unable to stop looking at him.

God, he’s gorgeous.

He’s so fucking gor—

Something touches your lips, and you belatedly realize Reiner’s taken it upon himself to push the red icing along the seam of your lips, parting them easily.

You can taste the sugary sweetness on the tip of your tongue.

“Shit, sorry." When your brows knit in confusion, Reiner explains himself. "Seems like I missed a spot.”

Oh.

Oh.

His pupils dilate as his gaze drops to your lips, as if he’s ready to devour your whole.

Your entire body turns into flames.

“Just one spot?” you murmur, and a wicked smirk crawls to his mouth.

That same thumb drops to glide the remaining icing over your chin.

“I fear it's a couple of spots, but don't worry. I'll get you cleaned up.” He tilts his chin. “I take care of my girl, remember?”

(As if you could ever forget.)

His words get your blood pumping. Pledges and wandering eyes be damned.

“What about the gingerbread house?” you murmur, entranced by the way he continues absently swiping icing over your jaw, chin, and cheeks.

(Marking a trail his lips will devour.)

“We can bring the icing upstairs,” Reiner suggests with an innocent shrug. You know it’s anything but. “I’ll finish that damn house eventually, but I have something sweeter to tend to.”

Before you can say another word, the blonde stands from his chair and gently takes your hand into his.

You easily stand with him, unable to stop giggling as he tugs you eagerly upstairs.

He’s determined to win, yes, but to him —

He’s already won.

He has you, after all.

.

[dracaelus]

Batman #105

I know bruce is just being a petty brat as usual but also... I bet this question has been underlying a lot of their interactions in the last few years. At some point, khoa's obsession with chasing bruce around the world to force him into fights stopped being about simply proving that he's a better vigilante and started being also a way to check if he changed his mind and if not, if he could be convinced

Batman #103

and all of this culminates in this moment in argentina, when he finally manages to get over his pride enough to make his proposal - but not enough to admit why he's making it. Why is his problem if bruce dies fighting his war on crime - if and why he cares about him.

I just love the way these flashbacks scenes manage to convey how much their time together had an impact on khoa - him being the one to propose to bruce that they work together was such a huge fucking deal. I love how you can see that he had to get over a shit ton of stuff to finally decide to make the proposal literally at the last minute - but you can also see it was not enough. And not even just bc of him not admitting his feelings - later when you find out about his backstory it only gets worse. 'Cause yk what? He really did have a chance.

By the time we get to argentina, he had already managed (somehow begrudgingly) to get over most of his problems with bruce's mission and his promise to his parents, bc he is willing to compromise - to a certain point. He say's, "We'll start in a small city in southast Asia, and systematically dismantle it's criminal underworld (...) And then we'll go to the next, and the next. (...) In time, maybe we could even tackle a city like Gotham."

But why start in a "small city in southast Asia", specifically? They travelled the whole world. Couldn't it be any small city, anywhere? Does it make any difference where they start?

My bet is that actually it does. The Midas Empire is from the south east asia. We know from dick that ghostmaker operates mostly in south east asia. He's about to spend a good part of his career working to dismantle the Midas Empire, his biggest challenge and his main motivation for becoming a vigilante, so he had to start there. What he's actually proposing to bruce here is that they work together to reach khoa's goal, one that will take years for them to acomplish, and by the time they finish it, they'll be so fucking good and have so many resources that they'll finally be able to start working on the gotham problem and make sure that bruce also reaches his goal (tho i'm sure he would be delighted if bruce just changed his mind until then). But he won't even tell bruce that.

And sure, there are other problems, bc they don't actually agree on their methods to save any city, even if it's not gotham (and it's not really just a matter of not agreeing about the murder stuff, tho dc writers have been writing khoa and bruce's conflict focusing just on that aspect since tynion left the chat) but you can't tell me things would've happened the same way had bruce known all of this. He throws some pretty harsh words at khoa to make him leave him alone and almost immediately kinda regrets it; most of it comes from the fact that bruce has spent years trying to find proof that khoa's cares about anything (about him!) and having khoa denying it repeatedly, sometimes hurting other people to prove his point (if this sounds like a lot of bruce's other relationships, part of it is bc he has a type and part is bc he has a big heart full of hope, mind you). By the time argentina happens, khoa has almost managed to convince him he's right (he might even be fully convinced at the time, tho we know he must have changed his mind later when he tries to mend things with khoa asking him to join batman inc. the first time).

He might not have accepted khoa's offer anyway even if he knew all of this... and I wouldn't go so far as saying their relationship would've been any better than it was.... but bruce might not have burned the bridge between them that day. Bruce might never had said "You're sick. There's a part of you that's broken and you're angry that it's not broken in me". Their divorce could have been more amicable. It might not have lasted 20 years.

Just imagine, a batman story where everything is the same, except he and ghostmaker text regularly and even get to work together every once in a while over the years (much to dick's distress). You can't, because khoa never tells bruce shit unless it's some highly encrypted stuff that might impliy something if you look at it in a certain angle through rose colored lenses under a full moon in july.

[ariaofsorrows]

I'm up at three in the morning again, so here are some CRAZY ASS™️ headcanons about Soma "I swear on my apple bottom jeans I'm not Dracula!!" Cruz.

Soma ended up getting all of Dracula's memories, which also include his polymath, science savant, genius knowledge. As a result, math and sciences come almost naturally to him, and he LOVES it.

Going off that last point, he ends up pursuing medicine because he feels it is a form of reparation. Soma believes that the way to repent for "his" sins is taking the same knowledge that killed people and using it to save them instead. But after being attacked by a cultist in broad daylight AND in public after midterms, he respectfully drops tf out to become a monster hunter instead.

But that doesn't stop him from furthering his own knowledge. He and Arikado will debate on scientific phenomena and mathematical discoveries all day long.

Soma goes to therapy regularly in order to learn how regulate his emotions in healthy manner and how to cope with traumatic experiences so that the forces of darkness cannot take advantage of him again

Soma isn't allowed to have social media due to safety reasons (I mean it'll be easy to find him) but he does so anyways. Whenever a follower of Dracula dm's him or gets to him publicly, he usually ends up memeing on them. Also his handles are a variation of somadeeznuts

He is Mina's biggest hypeman. No matter what you think of their relationship, he is her biggest supporter. He shows up to Mina's school during her exams to cheer her on. He learned how to video edit for the sole purpose of making fancams for her. Whenever he talks about her, he gets so giddy and excited that you could practically feel his joy from the other room. If you even so much as think a negative thought about Mina Hakuba, it's on site for you. He'll go and spam comment on all her instagram photos with either heart emojis or keyboard slams. So basically I see him like this:

Bad Scary Things Happen:

Soma: (￣︿￣)

Mina: breathes

Soma: (っ˘з(˘⌣˘ ) ♡ ღゝ◡╹)ノ♡ ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

Soma is a FLATTY so that's why he wears long coats

He is a lightweight. Poor boy can't handle his alcohol.

During the beginning of AoS, Soma was texting his overseas friends about seeing a castle in the sky. Everyone thought he was high on something and proceeded to make of him. As per request from Arikado, he later sent a voice message telling everyone that he only saw the castle because he decided to look at the eclispe with the naked eye. Not a day goes by where they remind him of his stupidity.

(Romantic) Soma was the first among his overseas friendgroup to have a significant other. Nobody believed him when he said he was dating Mina, because he was apparently "the patron saint of dorks everywhere" and couldn't communicate to save his own life. When they did finally meet Mina for the first time on FaceTime (or smth), everyone was so shocked.

To add on to that, whenever the couple posts something romantic online (2 times a year), the friends will usually respond jokingly with videos of them crying, screaming, making affirmations that they WILL have this kind of happiness one day.

(Romantic) Soma and Mina's favourite type of date is generating a random location in the city in Google Maps and then going there

Despite being super smart, Soma is a bit of a himbo. One time, he mistakenly took Mina to a furry convention instead of an anime one. He thinks Julius is cool bc he genuinely believed that cowboys didn't exist.

Soma cannot drive for shit. It took the power of a Belmont, Belnades, AND Alucard to keep the car from flying into a ditch. When he parks, it is so slanted that it takes up two (2) parking stalls. Whenever the vampire hunters are on a long road trip, only Julius Yoko or Arikado drive. Any and all offers from Soma are shut down immediately.

He is a vintage enthusiast. A lot of his wardrobe consists of hand-me-downs and thrifted items. The only item he bought out of a department store was his iconic black turtleneck. His favourite era was the late 1990s and 2000s

Despite identifying as male, he likes to dress in a way that defies gender norms of the era. He often borrows skirts and blouses from Yoko, he has a couple makeup palettes of his own, and he'll often style his hair. Tinted lip balm and gloss are his best friends.

Soma and Julius will have mock final battles everywhere. Both of them will go to the supermarket and put their hands on the last piece of meat available. Cue the "ohoho, Belmont, you dare approach me?" "Yeah, well I can't whip the shit out of you without getting closer". They will do this for the most trivial of things.

[duker42]

One of military higher ups found out about Levi's civilian s/o and threatens to hurt her if Levi doesn't break up with her. So, he does breakup with her bc he didn't want to see her hurt and it broke him. He didn't sleep properly and hated the fact that he hurt her. One day he just couldn't take it and didn't care about anything else, he wanted his s/o back. He snuck out of the castle at night to go to his s/o, explaining things, saying tht no matter what, he'll protect her and that he loves her

I’m making Zackley the bad guy again, because well, he reminds me of douchbag.

💜Doesn’t Matter💜

“Captain Levi” He winced as Zackley called out his name. Turning he watched with a bored expression as the Premier walked up to him. He wondered at the probability of having the leader of the military randomly running into him out in the city.

As he watched the Premier’s face, he lowered those chances from small to slim-to-fucking-none. This was a targeted meeting.

“Premier.” Levi monotoned. “Coincidence meeting you here.” His tone suggesting anything but.

“Yes, well, since I have you here, we need to have a chat.” The conniving look on the older man’s face didn’t make Levi feel warm and fuzzy thoughts. “It’s come to my attention that you have a lover in town, is that right?”

“How’s that your business?” Levi scowled as he spit the words out.

“As our strongest solider, everything about you is my business, Captain.” Levi’s hackles rose at his tone. “I feel that your Y/N is proving to be a distraction to you, shifting your focus from where it should be. Don’t you think it best to end the relationship now before something horrible were to happen. Especially if it was to Y/N?”

Levi’s eyes narrowed, he knew exactly what the old man was inferring. He was threatening Y/N. His fists clenched in anger as he thought carefully about his next words. While he was quick to insult a lot of personnel, the Premier was the absolute authority over all the branches, and insulting him would be a grave error.

He said nothing but nodded his head once, and spun on his heel.

“Have a good day, Captain!” Zackley called out as Levi continued on to his destination.

When he finished pounding on Y/N’s door, she had a confused look on her face. He normally was never so forceful. “I’m done, Y/N. I won’t be coming back to see you again.”

Turning around he walked away, trying his hardest to ignore her pleading for him to come back and explain what she had done wrong.

~~~~~

6 Days 12 hours and 49 minutes. That’s how long it had been since Levi had walked away from Y/N. He knew because he had been miserable every single one of those seconds since spewing those awful words.

Y/N couldn’t possibly know that Levi had left his heart there with her, his composure breaking when he reached the safety of his room back on base. She didn’t know that he had cried, huddled up on the floor after punching the wall repeatedly. She didn’t know that the only reason he had left her was to try and protect her from harm.

He had barely slept. His anger was even worse than on a bad day. He couldn’t do much more than think about her face falling when he had spoken, the heartbreak in her eyes. The tears in her voice as she begged him to come back.

Huffing, he looked at the clock. 2AM. Another night of no sleep and no peace. He scowled down at his hands. Was he really so weak to capitulate to the demands of that prick? Getting up, he slipped out the door. He was done playing these bullshit political games.

Sneaking out of the castle was easy when no one else was awake. He knew the routes well, having spent make sleepless nights walking the halls. Once outside, he made for town, his skills at sneaking around being put to good use. He had slipped down the cobblestone streets with ease, reaching the familiar door to Y/N’s house.

He didn’t knock, instead climbed to the second floor where he knew that Y/N slept with the window open. Sliding it open further, he stealthily entered her room and crept over to where she was restlessly sleeping.

Y/N’s eyes went wide when he covered her mouth, preventing her from screaming. He hadn’t expected the knife to come towards his head with surprising speed, but as he caught her wrist easily he was proud of her.

“It’s me, Y/N.” He watched as her eyes narrowed as she recognized his voice and her eyes focused on him. He plucked the knife from her fingers, not sure if she wouldn’t try to use it on him again.

“What do you want, Levi. You made it pretty clear how you felt.” Her voice was hard as she yanked away from his light grip.

“Y/N. I didn’t want to. I had to. Zackley threatened to hurt you if I didn’t focus on humanity.” Levi explained, imploring her to believe him with his eyes.

“So why are you here? Humanity already saved?” He grimaced at her sarcasm. He deserved that barb.

“No, but I don’t care. I need you Y/N. this last week had been absolutely horrible. They will probably threaten you again, but I’ll protect you. I love you too much to go another minute without you knowing it.” Levi said, brushing a hand against her cheek.

“Are you sure? Levi I dont’ want to cause you trouble.” Y/N asked, leaning against his touch.

Levi gently pushed her aside and pulled his boots off. Laying down beside her, he pulled her into his arms. “Doesn’t matter if it causes me trouble Y/N. I have more trouble when you’re not in my life.”

Mobile MasterList

[vxnevermorevx]

Welcome to my mind

For the last three years, my mind has been... Well, shit. Not that it hadn't been on a steady decline for years prior.

Recently, someone named her Denise. My other me. "Because that's what she is..when something is the opposite of something it's de-. She's not nice, she's De-Nice..."

Denise.

The name give to the me that's not me but spends more time pretending to be me than I do.

*Character Bio*

When I'm not Denise, I'm Ginny and she was the most wonderful person. I miss her dearly.

I had a great childhood. Very few psychological events, in my opinion. We never had much money, but my mom made sure I never knew it. My father worked hard at both his job and destroying his marriage; which is probably one of the marks on my childhood. More to come on that, I'm sure.

I didn't have trouble in school, per se. Bullied only a handful of times in all my school years. My mom is a designer, so I wore things you couldn't find on stores throughout my whole school life. I was *always* ahead of the trend and some kids couldn't handle it. We're talking 1991-2003. So, jumpers, corsets, mesh dusters, pants with fur on the bottom, dressing like anime characters... I was the first of everyone around me to be dressing that way. And I loved it!

But I had my revenge, as my hecklers could be seen wearing the same things they made fun of me for, after it became trendy. I guess you didn't have to be dead to be caught wearing that after all...

I struggled in math and excelled in art and writing. I had mostly good teachers, I think only one hated me.

I met all my best friends there. Can't say I've made all that many more in the years since. But, in my defense I'm surrounded by people who are nothing like me. You see, I grew up in Florida. All my vital youthful years were spent there. And now I live near Portland, Oregon. God, why? I even lost one of my dearest friends to the city. She completely changed from a fun, artistic girl who liked to draw, read, and cook...to...one of them. She's now a guilt vegan ( let's you know how disgusting you are for eating meat ) and is obsessed with shows that need to be cancelled. I had known this girl since first grade, she said she would follow the first friend who loved out of state. That was me, so she came out here too. Our friendship immediately began deteriorating as she would not allow me in my own room during the day, because she was talking to some loser friend of hers online. This person left her in a Walgreen's 20 miles from her home, on the wrong side of town, when we were all barely old enough to drive, because she was taking too long looking at eyeliner. But, she sounds like a solid individual to begin emulating. Are you serious? I watched my fully replacement take effect. 20 years of friendship completely gone in a matter of months. Have you ever watched someone stop carrying about you? Think about it. No, don't think about it. It's awful. She even physically ended our friendship. The first I had ever experienced. It was wrenching. But, I'm too far ahead now. I need to tell you how I got to Oregon.

Somewhere around me being 16, my dad stopped coming home. His mother had recently died and he knew some pretty shitty people willing to help him take the pain away. How does a poor, dyslexic, hoodlum, with a history of abuse cure the blues? Crack, of course. My mom did all she knew how to do, but she was pretty done with it all. They got divorced and some rich old lady "saved" him and whisked him off to Maryland where he would suffer many years of depression for what he had done to his family.

Now, it was just my mother and me. I immediately got a job and gave her my entire paycheck to help keep us in our lovely house. But as fate would have it, the city claimed eminent domain on our house with plans to build a water treatment facility. So, they lowballed us on what our house was worth and gave us 6 months to move. Now, here's some important side information: my mom is an army brat who grew up with mountains her whole life, until moving to Florida for my dad, which was apparently one of the last places she ever wanted to be. And my chummy from another tummy, was born in Oregon and had recently left me to go to OSU. This girl is my sister by all counts but blood. So, with a few other helping factors the logical answer was to start anew. How completely different my life would have been if I stayed. Can't say it would be better, just 100% different from what it is now.

But, in 2005 we moved to Oregon on the promise that we would do all the things we wanted to do and be living in Seattle in a few years.

None of that worked out. I can still remember the first night we spent in our apartment. I hated it. I let everyone know too. I think I cried for a week. I just wanted to go home. My Sisi was too far away to see her more often than the weekends and slowly her grades began to falter. This led to her dropping out and moving back to Florida just five months after I moved out here for her. I fell apart. I had only my mom and I love her, but sometimes you need your friends... You know? We did what we could and took jobs we hated and tried to get used to our new surroundings. I'm apparently a spoiled brat so I'm sure I made things painful for my mom who was finally back in her element and here I was stomping around telling everyone how much I hated it. Hate it. Present tense. I know the whole world is a cess pool of hipster, millennial idiots who all think that they know how to run the world, but the concentration of their free-for-all holier-than-thou ways is as dense here as the trees. It's exhausting listening to people who haven't showered in a week tell you how special they are because they have this heightened awareness that they learned from some Joe Blow and happens to not be fact at all. I have had a 24 year old Hispanic girl tell me that only white people can be racist, everyone else is prejudice. I told her that that in itself was a racist statement. And she said "no it's not. My teacher told me, and she has a PhD." I don't think I need to explain the definition of racism, but I do think Manson could have thrived in this town.

Fast forward quite a few years and we are both still in Oregon working jobs we hate not getting any of the things done we said we would. Are we lazy? Are we depressed? I'm sure it's both.

But, a small miracle comes my way, as I'm getting dressed to go down to the office to sign the next years lease I get a call from a woman who used to work with me. She asks if we are still looking for a new place to live and I tell her yes! We end up renting her townhouse from her because she's getting married. She proves to be a terrible landlord, probably because she's not all that good at being a person. She's really great at other things, but not that. Somme people are like that. But, I also haven't learned how to speak Oregonian in the 14 years I have been here.

A few more years and we end up buying the house and I have changed jobs for my health and things are looking up. I lose some of the weight I had acquired in my sorrows. I even find a guy that I can tolerate. Mostly bc he's 4000 miles away in another country. But, I struggle to find my way in our incredibly mismatched relationship. And he's so smart. So, successful... Here it comes... "what's he doing with a loser like me?"

My friends.... They all have something to show for their lives: degrees, children (Im not interested in these things,) husbands, jobs they don't hate....

I have a mortgage and a ridiculously high HOA, two payed off cars, 50 extra pounds on my ass, a job I'm not particularly built for, and a guy whom I love differently than he loves me.

I'm killing it.... Or myself. One way or the other. "I still haven't figured that shit out yet " -Eddie Murphy

I think this a pretty good place to stop for now. You should have a good amount of reference points for the following posts which will entirely be me, describing my chronic severe depression hoping that someone somewhere might read it and know they are not alone. I feel such a sense of validation when I read something from someone who feels the same as I do. This blog isn't for attention or critiquing, as most will likely be written when things like grammar and story structure aren't focused on. It's purely to get the chaos out so, I can organize it.

I don't know who you are but if you're reading this far, please stay tuned if you want to say "Wow, that's exactly how I feel."

Do good.

[jiangwanyinscatmom]

So I saw your comment about xue/xiao on this post about cheng/xian and it occurred to me that's even ironic how xy, in his own twisted way of seeing things and according to wwx's deductions, killed Chang Ping bc he "offended" xxc when turning his back on him while jc, on the other hand, went killing people who reminded him of wwx/just in case they had a connection to wwx. And I'm not saying xy is any more right, he is that effed up (and the dissonance is so shocking too, as if it wasn't HIS fault in the first place, that. I'm sorry. but I find it amazing... that's what xy is in the end) but still if you're going to make a parallel with these two, I have to say that: it says a lot that xy, the psycho murderer, kills someone bc, again, in his twisted head he offended "the object of his affection" but jc, tsundere misunderstood grape, kills people bc he relates them to "the person of his affections".

Anyways, that aside but also related to something you mentioned about they not wanting the tragedy of Yi City... You hit the nail on the head. Look, ngl, I personally find annoying of course when people like that anon that also mentions xue/xiao talks about how horrid and how disturbed she finds people like them. I think it's unnecessary bc it's not even like this is about them but jc so why bring them out of nowhere to say such things? And sorry for the tmi but allow me to really make clear that I've never had not even a close to an abusive rs in my life so I hope people finally get that we know to separate reality from fiction and I guess the fact we aren't triggered by it it's also a sign some of us luckily can say irl we've never allowed any dangerous bs from another person.

ANYWAYS, sorry I digress. Back to the point, the truth is that while I find unnecessary to say things like that when the main theme isn't even them, I do understand if some people feel uncomfortable by it, I just believe there are certain fandom etiquettes and it's not the same to talk about how of a horrible person xy is, bc he is, than shading people for being in their corner shipping something problematic. And what's more important about xue/xiao shippers is that so far, in my experience, we are quite "content" with the result? We accept this is a tragic effed up story and we accept it couldn't end well. We aren't, idk, blaming wang/xian for what happens to xy when he and he alone dug his own grave, duh. We like it bc of its tragedy. And I think the best proof is that there isn't as much fix-it fics like people who maybe think this is about being apologists would believe. From time time of course we need some crack, some unrealistic result, some comedy even lol... but I think the reason our ship work for us is bc we like it bc of it is and not bc we project ourselves. Also, I thank God never saw MXTX being attacked by xy stans... I don't doubt there must be some cringey stans like there are everywhere but I'm sure they're a small number. I actually find amusing MXTX being like "why do you ship those, idgi??" 😂 but above all, I respect her bc it's her work. This is not about being a boot licker, I believe it's ok to have your opinions too and not necessarily agree with the author... Too bad that all the MXTX antis I saw are gross about her and they're far from just giving criticism. They're plain bitter haters. It's not like it personally affects me and as if she doesn't have the right to have her own opinions on her story and own characters just bc I happen to ship something I KNOW it's not canon, ffs... In any case we can agree to disagree bc it's also my right to ~romanticise~ whatever I want as long as it's fictional. All in all, I'm grateful she created this story that hooked and these characters I learned to love...

Sorry if this became long and if it's all over the place 😅 but I just couldn't help myself and wanted to bring some points on this whole matter...

So I will break down my comments point by point anon!

On the point of Xue Yang, I find him fascinating along with his relationship concerning Xiao Xingchen. They had built up a relationship on so many lies, and lived fairly happily in that all while Xue Yang was unable to parse out what his animosity was towards Xiao Xingchen his love for him, and his idea of honoring this same person. It is just a mess of a relationship with so much that can't actually be described because even the characters can't separate exactly what is going on there aside from the pain Xue Yang caused because he just does not understand kindness and empathy in a significant way that could have saved himself. It is a gorgeous plot point and awful bond. It's also just at the cusp of Xue Yang being in denial admitting that he DOES miss Xiao Xingchen and his build up of this unconscious guilt for having killed someone he learned to love and know. Especially next to Jin Guangyao who doesn't have this guilt but is very good at speaking like he is, and Jiang Cheng who is not regretful for what he did to Wei Wuxian.

On the topic of ship shit talk: I have no bone to throw here as a defense. I shit talk chengx!an and plenty of pairings with mutuals and friends as a vent, because I find ships ridiculous as much as others. Everyone in my eyes can do as they want, say what they want in terms of fandom made content. It's there in all it's non-canonical glory to roast or praise on all ends. I think the issue here in regards to all of this is the conflation of fanon being made to seem like actual canon and the line of where personal tastes needs to be made apparent. MXTX isn't big on shipping outside of her main pairs, I'm the same with mine for OC's and I am very very picky in regards to this, but fans are gonna fan and Rule 34 is there no matter what. Fandom curating is always the answer if certain pairs get to you that badly. I also think there is a fine line with accusations of romanticizing non-canon pairs and it's place in a real life context towards others individuals as I think morbid material has it's place to be explored safely within literature and entertainment without pearl clutching or holier than though attitudes especially prevalent in English/Western fandom.

People get far too invested within the fandom headcanon space and a lot of vitriol pours out from that. It's a double-edged sword especially claiming to love something from this while condemning a multitude of people (mostly always chinese mainland fans, or other LGBT+ people who do not share the same self-flagellation attitude towards an entertainment piece). Self-flagellation is hypocrisy in my eyes and just because some people tend to make a very loud note of this, does not make them morally superior in sharing the same content as everyone else no matter how they do this.