#bc those are natural barriers

[ghwosty]

the intimate tension between me and the storm surge inundation map

[vigilskeep]

Whenever I think about your Keir I think about Bethany telling Anders he reminds her of Malcom. I’m sure that won’t ever affect Keir ever.

bethany is my favourite mage bc she never misses with that psychic damage

but really he and anders aren’t even a thing in act 1 so it’s less like “PLEASE stop comparing my crush to our father” and more like “oh fuck off i spend my entire life trying to act like our dad and one (1) mage rolls up and suddenly he’s dad??”

[acheronist]

ive gone on tangents about this on twitter but the Absolute Old Man Yaoi Of It All during every interview where unshaven vitamin D deficient CSKA head coach seryozha goes Ohh.. Stevie Yzermanov…... (stares off into the distance before remembering he’s being filmed) vs Steve perpetually dressed in 500 layers of sweaters and jackets polishing his glasses to maintain his emotionally closed off demeanor while being bothered once again by media about why HE(!!!!!) hasn’t retired 91 yet, and having to say once again Um Yknow, It is Not my Decision to retire my Good Friend and incredible Teammate SirGay’s number .

[wellcollapse]

i think eddie’s queercoding is a little messy and the writers’ intentions with his sexuality feel inconsistent at times (hence the endless debate over his specific brand of queerness) but honestly? nobody on my dash is explicitly saying it, so i will. i really do think he’s just bisexual with an emotional and/or romantic preference for men.

like i do think he was deeply in love with shannon, and i fully believe that his trauma surrounding their fractured relationship and her subsequent death plays into his intimacy issues with his other girlfriends, but i also think that outside of that, there’s always been an element of needing to Be a certain way in his relationships with women that he’s never faced with men because he’s never stopped to consider that his relationships with men could be romantic in nature. it’s why his relationship with shannon failed in the first place: given what we know about eddie’s background and the way that he had to take on the ‘man of the house’ role as a child, it’s likely that as soon as he found out that he was going to be a father, he immediately fell prey to the role that was hand-carved out for him: to be a provider for shannon, to be strong and stoic and to never let anyone know how he was feeling. and so he did it, but it didn't work, because he left her, and then she left him, and by the time they came back together, sex was the only method of connection he had left because he was too afraid to open his heart up to her. maybe they once felt that magic as kids on a lake, but then they grew up. and they didn't grow together. and the tragedy of it all is that this was never imposed upon him by shannon. all she wanted was a partner, but he couldn’t be that for her because he never allowed himself to be vulnerable. with ana, although he pursued her because he liked her and because he wanted to stop feeling like he was drowning in his grief for shannon, he stayed despite knowing something was wrong because he wanted to be a good father and do right by his son. still a provider, but this time it was attempting to provide a sense of security for his son who’d already lost so much. he didn't want to take away another person that his kid cared about, and so he thought, i have to give it a try, maybe i’ll feel the way i should eventually, right? and with marisol……honestly, s6 told us point-blank that eddie is terrified of being alone and i think the reason why he stayed with her for so long is so that he could avoid that loneliness. (and also bc buck told him to. i blame buck for that).

but anyway. before i got sidetracked, the point i was going to make is that there isn't any indication in the text that eddie isn't physically attracted to the women he's dated. he canonically enjoys having sex with them and he was in love with shannon....but i just think that from what we've seen, he's more emotionally drawn to men and he finds it much easier for him to be vulnerable in his relationships with men specifically because he's never considered that he could love them. this way, he never has to be afraid of letting them down in the one specific way that men let down their wives. with buck, there’s no pressure. buck has always made eddie feel safe enough that he's never felt the need to perform or put those emotional barriers up because he doesn’t have to provide anything other than his company. he can just be eddie, and that's enough for buck. and tbh this also tracks with the platonic relationships he's had with both men and women. when he doesn't feel the pressure of a romantic relationship, he blooms and feels much more comfortable sharing aspects of his life that he wouldn't trust his girlfriends with (see: the beach scene with felisa where they discussed chris's experience with the tsunami. i can't name a single scene where eddie opened up to a romantic interest about something similar). buck is the only person he's given both his love and his trust to, and i think both of them are strong enough that he'll continue to feel secure even after they transition to a romantic relationship because buck has proven over and over again that eddie can crack his heart open and buck will be there to hold him through it. also lest anyone think this is straight!eddie truthing (or anything except for bisexual, really)....please go watch the poker scene. he wants buck AND he loves him AND he trusts him. yay

[youremyheaven]

Venusians: The Cult of Exclusivity

In my research, I have stumbled upon Venusians either being drawn into cults or being cult leaders. It did not surprise me particularly. All Venusian nakshatras (Bharani, Purvaphalguni, Purvashada) are ugra nakshatras known for being "violent". Venus is in itself, a harsh planet. In fact, all the benefic planets (Jupiter, Venus, Mercury & Moon- in that order) are harsh and for good reason; its natives have to be "purified" by the working of those planetary energies to earn its blessings. Venus values exclusivity and separatism. There is a reason why Venus attracts Venus. It is a kind of elitism. We talk about how rare beauty and glamour is these days and we fawn over the nonchalance and effortless cool of low key & mysterious celebrities. If someone or something is plastered everywhere, it loses its "special" feeling, Venus does not mingle with the masses, Venus sets the standard, its THE blue print but it does not involve itself with anything directly, they like to sit back and watch others ape them.

All 3 Venus nakshatras have yoni animals that point to a highly sexual nature and high libido. Bharani with its elephant yoni signals an immense sexual appetite (elephant being the largest land animal and yoni animal), Purvaphalguni and its rat yoni points to freaky deaky sexual behaviour and Purvashada and monkey yoni ,,, well,, monkeys are known for their lovemaking and how human like it is so..

Sex is a big focus of all 3 Venus nakshatras, with Bharani's themes of birth and death and its symbol literally being the yoni, Purvaphalguni representing the pleasures of the bed and being symbolised by the front legs of the cot and Purvashada with its connection to water, where life originated. Venus is more than just beauty and beauty itself is more profound than "looking good". Venus is beauty, romance, love, creativity, harmony, values etc.

I have talked about Venusian men and their tendency to be drawn to violence before. If we think of sex, it is a kind of violent act in itself, there has to be a back and forth of domination and submission. If we look at animals, male animals often kill other males to eliminate competition and establish themselves as the alpha that the females pick but even in coitus with female animals (literally watch any nature documentary) the male takes on a very aggressive, dominant approach and they often look like theyre trying to kill each other (people say things like "making love like animals" for a reason, sexual courtesy is a humane, civilised approach but animals are not wired that way). In Venusian men, this kind of aggressive erotic sexual persona is very apparent and Claire said these men embody "big dick energy".

Occult knowledge is gatekept and one literally cannot access it until one is initiated into it. Regardless of whether or not we recognise it as such, there are cults of knowledge all around us and we do not even know of their existence unless we've made it past their barrier and can access it. even explaining things defeats the purpose because only someone who's ready to understand it will be able to. Its nature's way of shielding itself from the unwise or the unworthy. you can be surrounded by this knowledge and still not be able to tap into it, if you do not have the discernment. this is a kind of Venusian exclusivity.

If you think about it beauty is pain. These days we see people literally endure pain to be beautiful via cosmetic procedures but this has always been the case, victorian women used arsenic to keep their skin pale and glowy and ammonia in their hair. footbinding was a common custom for Chinese women. but even beyond enduring pain to be beautiful, if you're beautiful you will have to endure pain, be it in the way others hurt you and ostracize you out of jealousy or in how people just assume crazy shit about you. Venusian women NEED to remain lowkey bc they're more susceptible to evil eye.

(im thinking of the song pretty hurts by purvaphalguni sun beyonce 👀)

anywaaayys (me going on a random tangent exhibit 62772). we know that Venusians value and need exclusivity, they're the most clique-y in some ways and this is what makes them drawn to cults lol. A cult is as exclusive as it gets. nothing screams "im not like the others" than being a part of a cult lol

Osho- Purvashada Stellium (moon, mercury and venus)

Osho was an Indian spiritual guru and mystic. His commune and the crazy shit that went on there was the subject of the docu-series Wild Wild Country.

Sadhguru- Purvaphalguni Sun

he is an indian guru. i think its interesting how cults have to have a physical existence by way of a commune that people gather in or live in, its not just conceptual if ykwim. i think this is another manifestation of Venusian exclusivity. entering into a cult means entering and inhabiting a different world. Osho had Rajneeshpuram, Sadhguru has his Isha Centre.

Sun Myung Moon- Bharani Moon

He was the leader of the Unification Church, a famous South Korean cult and he claimed to be the Messiah

Moon was intent on replacing worldwide forms of Christianity with his new unified vision of it, Moon being a self-declared messiah. Moon's followers regard him as a separate person from Jesus but with a mission to basically continue and complete Jesus's work in a new way, according to the Principle.

Nirmala Srivastava- Bharani Moon conjunct Mars

aka Mataji Nirmala Devi, she was the founder of the religion called Sahaja Yoga. She claimed that she was a divine incarnation, more precisely an incarnation of the Holy Spirit, or the Adi Shakti of the Hindu tradition, the great mother goddess who had come to save humanity. This is also how she is regarded by most of her devotees. she has said that she was born "self realised" and spent her life "helping" others do the same

The Venusian urge to start a new religion 😤😤😤lol

Religion is exclusive and if you do not have the discipline to endure its rules, you cannot gain access to its blessings. Religion esp eastern religion is extremely Venusian af, there are wonderful blessings for those who devote themselves to it and cruel sickening punishments for those who disobey. thats as Venusian as it gets

Anandamayi Ma- Bharani Sun, exalted Venus in Revati as her atmakaraka

She was an Indian saint, teacher, and mystic. She was revered as an incarnation of Hindu goddess Durga.

Her life was suffused in Bhakti Yoga and she was considered an epitome of "divine grace" that inspired the societal cultural milieu to lead the path of service, love and constant remembrance of the divine. Her followers experienced her spiritual attributes including precognition, faith healing and miracles. Paramahansa Yogananda translates the Sanskrit epithet Anandamayi as "Joy-permeated" in English. This name was given to her by her devotees in the 1920s to describe her perpetual state of divine joy.

she wasn't a cult leader or anything, just a guru even though she rejected even that label (spiritual gurus are a dime a dozen in india, no one who's actually worth their salt will label themselves as a guru)

i think Venus' connection to religion, cults and the occult is underexplored af. the highest form of love is devotion and religion/cults demand it of their followers making it a very Venusian experience. sex, love and religion are all closely connected, people experience trance like states when they're orgasmic or during periods of intense meditation (it can also be artificially induced via drugs etc but euphoria is naturally experienced through either prayer or sex) if you look at paintings of Hindu gods and goddesses, their eyes always seem so blissed out? same goes for truly spiritual people, you can immediately sense the tranquillity of their energy and the dreaminess of their gaze, like they're not of this world.

even the word "Ananda" which means joyous, etymologically means "without end" (Ah- meaning "without in Sanskrit and nand- meaning end) so the goal of any spiritual pursuit is self realization/actualisation and a person who achieves that seems joyous all the time. Many spiritual gurus have Ananda as part of their name as well.

Swami Vivekananda- Purvashada Rising

He was a monk, philosopher and religious teacher who is widely credited with introducing Hinduism to the West.

“All love is expansion, all selfishness is contraction. Love is therefore the only law of life. He who loves lives, he who is selfish is dying. Therefore love for love's sake, because it is the only law of life, just as you breathe to live."- Swami Vivekananda

Paramhansa Yogananda- Purvashada Sun

Paramahansa Yogananda was an Indian-American Hindu monk, yogi and guru who introduced millions to meditation and Kriya Yoga through his organization, Self-Realization Fellowship / Yogoda Satsanga Society of India.

Mother Theresa- Bharani Moon & Saturn, Mars in Purvaphalguni

Mother Theresa was an Albanian nun who came to India and helped the poor and the needy. She established charitable settlements that have come under fire for mismanagement and misappropriation of funds.

Now I'll talk about some people who've gained a cult-like following or were revered in their time and considered akin to God.

Eva Peron- Bharani Sun

Known by her nickname Evita, she was an Argentine politician, activist, actress, and philanthropist who served as First Lady of Argentina from June 1946 until her death in July 1952. She was revered by the lower economic classes and helped enact a number of reforms and policies to their benefit. She also helped bring about the passage of Argentina's women's suffrage law. even decades after her passing, the grip she has on people in Argentina is crazyyy.

fun fact: Madonna, Purvaphalguni Moon & Rising played Evita in the movie of the same name in 1996.

Tito- Bharani Sun

Josip Broz, commonly known as Tito, was a Yugoslav communist revolutionary and politician who served in various positions of national leadership from 1943 until his death in 1980

He was a popular public figure both in Yugoslavia and abroad. He remains a popular leader in the former countries of Yugoslavia. Tito was viewed as a unifying symbol, with his internal policies maintaining the peaceful coexistence of the nations of the Yugoslav federation. his legacy lives on and he was a VVV popular

Rasputin- Bharani Moon

He was a quack with no actual powers but man did he have a following

Rasputin was a Russian mystic and holy man. He is best known for having befriended the imperial family of Nicholas II, the last Emperor of Russia, through whom he gained considerable influence in the final years of the Russian Empire

Historians often suggest that Rasputin's scandalous and sinister reputation helped discredit the Tsarist government, thus precipitating the overthrow of the House of Romanov shortly after his assassination.

Taylor Swift- Purvashada Rising

Taylor's chokehold over her fandom is insane. I think it's due to her PA Rising bc wheww

There is a reason why Venusian influence is sooo common in the charts of it girls and icons. Venus is THE blue print, it makes others want to be like you and imitate you and also claim they hate you or dont know you all in the same breath.

Trisha Paytas-Bharani Sun & Jupiter, Ketu in Purvaphalguni

Trisha has a cult like following whether u want to admit it or not. Girlie has been doing this for a decade and a half and is still somehow relevant?? literally most of her contemporaries have been cancelled or left the platform and she's still standing?? despite a gazillion controversies that too lol

Now I'll mention some famous celebrities who are in/have been in cults

John Travolta- Purvaphalguni Moon

He was/is a Scientologist

Park Bogum- Bharani Moon & Venus

Bogum is part of Jesus Centred Church which is a cult and he was apparently even given his name by the founder/leader of the cult. There have been rumours that Bogum left the controversial church/cult and joined a normal church but there isnt enough info to confirm this

Nazanin Boniadi- Purvaphalguni Moon

She is a former Scientologist who was "trained" to be Tom Cruise's gf before he met Katie Holmes. read about the crazy and torturous stuff she was subjected to and you'll wonder why tf scientology hasn't been shut down by the government yet

Ruslana Korushnova- Purvaphalguni Moon

She was found dead at 20yrs old under mysterious circumstances. i do not think she committed suicide at all but she spent some time at the Rose of the World which is a culty organisation.

British TV producer and filmmaker Peter Pomerantsev has theorised that Korshunova's suicide was related to her involvement with Rose of the World, a controversial Moscow-based organisation which describes itself as "training for personality development". While researching for a documentary into Korshunova's death, Pomerantsev learned that the model spent three months attending training sessions at Rose of the World. These sessions—which encourage participants to share their worst experiences and recall repressed memories—are modelled after Lifespring, whose controversial methods were the subject of multiple lawsuits for mental damages in the US during the 1980s. Korshunova attended training sessions with a friend, Ukrainian model Anastasia Drozdova, who committed suicide under similar circumstances in 2009. Friends of the two women reported changes in behaviour after several months at the Rose. Korshunova became aggressive, while Drozdova experienced violent mood swings and grew reclusive; both lost weight. After three months of training, Korshunova returned to New York to look for work, where she wrote of feeling lost and doubting herself. Rick Alan Ross, head of the Cult Education Forum, argues that organisations such as Rose of the World "work like drugs: giving you peak experiences, their adherents always coming back for more. The serious problems start when people leave. The trainings have become their lives—they come back to emptiness. The sensitive ones break." Only months after leaving the Rose, Korshunova was found dead.

Michelle Pfeiffer- Bharani Sun, Purvaphalguni Moon, Rohini Rising

She was involved with Breatharianism, a cult that believes that you don’t need to eat food (Say what?!). She joined after moving to Los Angeles and looking for a group to feel comfortable with. They focused on diet and exercise but believed that people could live by sunlight alone at the highest level of the cult. She actually realized that she was in a cult after helping her first husband Peter Horton prepare for a movie role where he played a cult member. She said, “We were talking with an ex-Moonie, and he was describing the psychological manipulation and I just clicked.” (crazy to me that the not eating real food did not click??)

Rose McGowan- Purvaphalguni Sun & Mercury, Mars in Bharani

She spent her childhood in the Children of God cult and her family fled from its clutches after they started advocating for adult-child sexual intercourse🤮🤮🤮

Sharon Tate- Purvaphalguni Moon

Sharon wasn't a member of a cult but a victim of one :((((

Sofia Hayat- Purvaphalguni Moon

Sofia was a model, then she quit the industry to be a nun, now she calls herself a shaman and a healer and posts weirdly sexual vids on IG

Zaira Wasim- Purvaphalguni Moon

she quit acting to devote herself to religion and because she felt that being in Bollywood made her lose touch with her faith.

This is a very Venusian experience imo and one of the reasons why Venus thrives in keeping itself hidden or taking away other people's access to it is because otherwise Venusians feel contaminated almost?? other project onto them heavily and they feel clouded by it, unsure of their own identities. they feel like they're losing touch with themselves. many Venusian celebs are known for frequently changing their persona (Bella Hadid, Ariana Grande etc come to mind) the more time they spend exposing themselves to others, the more confused they become about who they are, they lack a stable self image.

Religion and faith can act as stabilisers and help these natives feel more grounded.

A reason why Venusians (idk if you noticed by most of the gurus were Purvashadas and most of the followers I mentioned were Purvaphalgunis, with an equal mix of Bharani natives in both) are drawn into cults is also because Venusians can only thrive in Venusian environments?? Otherwise they feel desolate and lost, a lot of people join cults because they don't feel understood or connected to people in their normal life. cults look for people who need help, and give it to them on predatory conditions.

Purvashadas are often spiritual leaders/gurus but seldom blindly devoted followers because being the final Venus nak, it transcends this toxic grip of Venus. Purvaphalguni is the height of Venus and these natives are constantly seeking spiritual truth and belonging but never quite ascending, as it is Venus at its most indulgent. Bharani is the first Venusian nak and I have found that the first nak of any planetary dominance is in some ways its "softest" manifestation, its the baby among the naks. The nak in the middle is the peak/height of that planetary energy and thus, the most cruel or harsh manifestation of that energy along with the concluding nak but the concluding nak also kind of transcends its influence??

high fashion/luxury etc is also very Venusian bc theyre the ones who covet having things others dont have. anywayyys this is just a stray thought lol

hope this was informative!!

[redr0sewrites]

Arcane request time!

I'd love to request an Arcane woman x sub! male reader smut one shot. As I'm unsure of their sexualities I'll let you choose your favorite if that's okay with you.

🥀A/n: WOO!!! why did i lowkey base this off of monster by lady gaga.... 😭 anyways i love this req sm. i decided to do Ambessa for this request bc she's so fine and i havent written anything for her (please survive the season pookie) ♥️

🥀Cw: smut, sub!male!reader, dirty talk, kinda fluffy tbh, sleepy sex, overal filth

🥀Character(s): Ambessa x male!reader

🥀minors dni

waking up next to Ambessa is a rare experience. more often than not, she's busy with work or diplomacy, so you cherish the mornings you get to spend wrapped in her arms.

today was one of those instances, and you awoke to your lover just a few inches away from you, her curls sprawled across the satin pillowcase and a muscular arm tucked over your body. the usual furrow between her brow was relaxed, and the tense creases of her face were smoothed by blissful slumber. she looked like a goddess, and the warm sun peaking in through the window only amplified her beauty.

suddenly, Ambessa shifts, the mattress rippling beneath her as she groans. she never does stay asleep for long, it's practically in her nature to be an early riser. she stretches, pulling you in closer and tucking her head atop yours. you find yourself nuzzled against her bare collarbone, suddenly aware of the fact that your lover slept completely nude. she continues to stir, still groggy from sleep.

"i could feel you staring..." she rasps, pulling away to look you in the eyes. there is a rare, genuine smirk on her face, and her surprisingly light mood is infectious. you only giggle at her remark, and she rolls herself on top of you, pinning you down against the sheets.

"whatever happened to good morning? have i fallen in love with a delinquent?" Ambessa mocks you, but theres a playful hint in her rough voice that only draws you in.

"maybe you did..." you murmur, and Ambessa leans down to whisper in your ear. your acutely aware of her muscular body on top of yours, and the way her firm, weathered hands find purchase on your body. "it seems theres a monster in my bed," she purrs, one hand cups your face and supports her weight with her elbow while the other rubs teasing circles onto your hip. "does this monster need to be taught a lesson in manners?"

"i'd say my manners are just fine, thank you," you tease, and Ambessa hums thoughtfully. "i suppose another lesson wouldn't hurt now, would it?" she whispers, before pinning your hands above your head in one swift movement.

you open your mouth to protest, but your met with her tongue sliding between your lips as she enraptures you in a filthy french kiss. blood rushes to your cock as she spreads your legs with targeted accuracy, sliding a firm thigh between them. the only barrier between your skin and hers is the boxers you fell asleep in, and a small stain is beginning to form from the precum coating your tip.

you gasp against her mouth, her powerful form cages you in as your back arches. the slightest friction is applied to the tip of your leaking dick as it rubs against her thigh, and you whine sinfully. Ambessa pulls away to admire you, leaving a thin trail of spit connecting your lips in her wake.

"oh, darling, you look good enough to eat," Ambessa croons, sucking a dark mark into the skin just above your collarbone. she wastes no time in tearing your boxers off, leaving you completely bare beneath her. your cock springs up against your abdomen, already hard. calloused hands travel across your body, one gripping firmly onto your thigh and the other rolling your nipple between two fingers. you moan at the stimulation, but Ambessa shushes you as she crawls down between your legs.

your heart pounds against your ribcage as Ambessa blows hot air against your leaking cock, watching as you twitch with arousal. a firm hand applies pressure to your navel, keeping your hips pinned to the bed as she takes your tip in her mouth.

"o-oh!" you moan, throwing your head back against the pillows. Ambessa smirks, swirling her tongue against your sensitive cock head while bringing one hand to massage your balls. the stimulation is intoxicating, and the only thing keeping you from bucking into her throat is the large hand keeping your hips pinned against the mattress. the coil in your abdomen begins to tighten as she continues her ministrations, massaging the base of your cock and balls with her free hand.

"please.." you whine, thighs clenching around her head as your cock twitches in her mouth. Ambessa hums, sending vibrations traveling up your spine as you begin to descend into ecstasy. however, just as you begin to reach the peak of your pleasure, she pulls away, leaving your cock twitching against your abdomen.

"why'd you stop?" you whine, pushing your hips out towards her, hoping to entice Ambessa into taking you into her mouth again. she only gives you a throaty laugh, before crawling up to straddle you.

"did you seriously think i'd let you cum that easily?"

this is kinda short but whatevsss its done‼️ sorru the ending is so ass buuut i just didn't know how to end it 😭 anyways, hope yall enjoyed, pls feel free to request more! im soooo happy classes and finals r over and i get to have more free time to write and draw ♥️♥️♥️

[imissivan]

so i think in every universe that’s not the present one, ivantill is requited openly and goofy and sometimes still repressed and bad at communicating, but however long it takes, they find each other. but i have to admit. what they’ve gone through — the lack of freedom, happiness, the total lack of human social networks, not even not being raised by humans but the total absence in their lives of humans who connect with humans AS HUMANS — rather than as human pets — it prevents ivan and till AND mizi and sua from forming relationships like we think of them. yknow? mizi and sua are much more open about their regard for each other, because of mizi’s unique character and situation, the level of innocence she’s able to retain. but the rest of them know what’s going on. the pain of that existence stunts what possibilities are available to them. in that environment, they do what they must to survive — which means ivan keeping his feelings under tight control and accepting his fate to yearn and never have; till deeply, deeply repressing whatever he feels for ivan bc mizi represents innocence and a hope for a joyful, free life that has been denied to all of them; sua not connecting with anyone besides mizi, marching to her death without consulting mizi bc it’s all she can think to offer. the circumstances of this universe are such that it’s nearly impossible for healthy or full human relationships to form. for children destined for alien stage — for whom growing old is already a distant dream, much less growing old with someone they love by their side — it’s even less likely. this is also what makes these relationships that DO form despite the circumstances so damn powerful and compelling — the time mizi and sua get to share (mizi crying with frustration when they drift apart when they’re so little) — the stability that ivan and till’s bond provides, even if it is volatile and characterized by miscommunications and misunderstandings. for me, with ivantill, it’s key that it’s NOT totally unrequited — the feelings till has for ivan are confused and unexamined, but like, i don’t blame till for that! he’s got plenty to worry about already, and the circumstances of the garden also exacerbate ivan’s struggles to communicate and understand his feelings properly, too. loving gently and warmly and out in the open like mizi does does not come naturally or at all to ivan in this world! and that adds barriers between ivan and till. but they still care for each other so much — till does look back, there are moments of tenderness, of ivan being different for till than other ppl, of till treating ivan differently, which along w the narrative structure and their relationship paralleling mizi and sua’s and so on, express a deep regard for ivan that goes mostly unexpressed / is made difficult by their situation.

but then!!! you look at the goddamn AUs and shit!!!! and one, look at ivan’s character — outside of the trauma of alien stage, he’s so much more open and soft and loving! to till, specifically — able to get his attention and form a relationship not just based on proximity or thru antagonizing him. that’s very important, in my eyes, to making ivantill work. it’s something ivan can’t do in alien stage, that kind of open expressive love, but if he could, i think it would present him as a viable option for love in till’s eyes (as much as such a thing can exist in that world). like at the bare minimum, till would KNOW — whether ivan confesses or not — that ivan loves him, be more aware or sure of that. ivan can express affection or admiration for till in the open, at times when till’s not asleep or distracted or whatever.

second, till is also different! mizi is not the only source of warmth and happiness in an otherwise bleak and deeply painful, abusive life. without those incredibly challenging circumstances forcing till into survival mode, he has more options for how he can imagine his life, relationships, and express himself. he doesn’t have to put his whole being into loving the one person who expresses warm love as a survival mechanism to keep inspiring himslf to live. instead, he can observe and better understand ivan. and ivan is also less difficult to understand, himself better at expressing himself. with fewer thorny barriers between the two complicating their attitudes towards one another, the two can be friends, best friends, without complication — and thus also more. and i feel like i can’t ever stop thinking about the biggest barrier to their relationship in the alien stage world, the lack of examples of loving human relationships. how do you know what it means to love someone, if you have never seen it? never felt it? i think about this on a queer level, too — took me forever to figure out that i DO feel certain kinds of attraction differently towards different kinds of people, that i do feel it at all, bc at first, i only had 1 narrow example of what romantic or sexual attraction could be. without examples of other possibilities, it never occurred to me that what i was feeling counted. and that’s still with and understanding of any concept of love or romantic relationship!! poor ivan and till are out there fuckin tryna invent human social networks from scratch, RIP

this has been such a long stream of consciousness thinking about these guys so i just want to mention one final thing.

THE GODDAMN ACTOR AU.

they can be platonic OF COURSE. but the depth of emotion and their bond and everything in the other universes — to me, actor AU is the healthiest and easiest and sweetest universe in which the two of them get together. they’re not in each others lives from childhood, and it works in their favor acrually — they’re both fully realized humans, who have lots of chemistry, who deeply admire each others abilities, have similar interests — if we can bring the knowledge of their dynamic and the depth of their bond from the alien stage world to consider what they’d be like together in the actor AU, like 🥹🥹🥺🥺🥺🥺. an open and confident and loving ivan. a mature and expressive and affectionate till. they’re at their best in actor AU, and it’s that AU that really settled my brain into “shipping these two forever and ever” mode. because it can’t happen in their original universe — not without huge changes and a lot of time, like even if they both escaped with their lives, they would need time to heal and grow into their own people before they could really have a health relationship. but in actor AU 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 what they have and can have in actor AU 🥺🥺🥺🥺 gives us a glimpse at what they could be, if they got that time, if they got that chance. what they can be in every other universe, whenever they get that chance. AHHHHH i just love them so freaking much

[merymoonbeam]

Thin places – The Void – Cauldron – Elriel

So in hofas we learned about thin places...

“No,” Aidas agreed. “But Helena knew that Midgard possessed its own magic. A raw, weaker sort of magic than that in her home world, but one that could be potent in high concentrations. She learned that it flowed across the world in great highways, natural conduits for magic.” “Ley lines,” Bryce breathed. Aidas nodded. “These lines are capable of moving magic, but also carrying communications across great distances.” Like those between the Gates of Crescent City, the way she’d spoken to Danika the day she’d made the Drop. “There are ley lines across the whole of the universe. And the planets—like Midgard, like Hel, like the home world of the Fae—atop those lines are joined by time and space and the Void itself. It thins the veils separating us. The Asteri have long chosen worlds that are on the ley lines for that exact purpose. It made it easier to move between them, to colonize those planets. There are certain places on each of these worlds where the most ley lines overlap, and thus the barrier between worlds is at its weakest.” Everything slotted together. “Thin places,” Bryce said with sudden certainty. “Precisely,” Apollion answered for Aidas with an approving nod. “The Northern Rift, the Southern Rift—both lie atop a tremendous knot of ley lines. And while those under Avallen are not as strong, the island is unique as a thin place thanks to the presence of black salt—which ties it to Hel.” “And the mists?” Hunt asked. “What’s the deal with them?” “The mists are a result of the ley lines’ power,” Aidas said. “They’re an indication of a thin place. Hoping to find a ley line strong enough to help her transfer and hide Theia’s power, Helena sent a fleet of Fae with earth magic to scour every misty place they could find on Midgard. When they told her of a place wreathed in mists so thick they could not pierce them, Helena went to investigate. The mists parted for her—as if they had been waiting. She found the small network of caves on Avallen … and the black salt beneath the surface.” (hofas)

It is long but what we get from this is that

Ley lines are used for moving magic and...communication between worlds

Ley lines are joined by time and space and void

The mist is a big give away for thin places

So how all of this connect to Elain and Cauldron?

When Elain got out of the cauldron...the water was "smokey"

And as if it had been tipped by invisible hands, the Cauldron turned on its side. More water than seemed possible dumped out in a cascade. Black, smoke-coated water. And Elain, as if she’d been thrown by a wave, washed onto the stones facedown. (Acomaf)

Maybe it is not smoke but mist...as in Cauldron is a thin place?

When Feyre threw the book of breathings into the Cauldron...it went to Crescent City. How? We dont know. is it bc Cauldron being a thin place between worlds?

Also Cauldron has "void in it"

I managed to stand. To take one step before I felt it. The … thing in the Cauldron. Or lack of it. It was lack and substance, absence and presence. And … it was leaking into the world.I dared a step toward it. And what I beheld in those ruins of the Cauldron… It was a void. But also not a void—a growth.It did not belong here. Belong anywhere. (Acowar)

And who cauldron is obsessed with? Elain...a seer.

In my mystics&seers post I talked about the connection between void and elain more. But in the same post I talked about Mystics and seer connection and they seem to be the same.

In hosab mystics are described like this

The old male cut in, as if he hadn’t heard a word of their hissed argument. “Most astronomers and mystics have been put out of business these days, you know. Thanks to fancy tech. And self-righteous busybodies like you,” he spat toward Bryce. She snarled at him, the sound more primal Fae than she liked, but he waved that hateful, ring-encrusted hand toward the mystics in their pools. “They were the original interweb. Any answer you wish to know, they can find it, without having to wade through the slog of nonsense out there.”

And we know how one of the mystics "went" to hel and talked one of the hel princes.

what do we know about ley lines? 👇🏻

“These lines are capable of moving magic, but also carrying communications across great distances.” Like those between the Gates of Crescent City, the way she’d spoken to Danika the day she’d made the Drop.

So what if ley lines and being mystic/seer is connected? Did that mystic use the ley lines? As in they are the communication between worlds?

And we have world walkers...

“The black salt only repels the Asteri; the mists repel everyone else. But certain people, with certain gifts, can access the power of thin places—on any world. World-walkers.” Aidas gestured gracefully to Bryce. “You are one of them. So were Helena and Theia. Their natural abilities lent themselves to moving through the mists.”

Theia was one of them.

In myths theia is:

Theia (/ˈθiːə/; Ancient Greek: Θεία, romanized: Theía, lit. 'divine', also rendered Thea or Thia), also called Euryphaessa (Ancient Greek: Εὐρυφάεσσα) "wide-shining", is one of the twelve Titans, the children of the earth goddess Gaia and the sky god Uranus in Greek mythology. She is the Greek goddess of sight and vision, and by extension the goddess who endowed gold, silver, and gems with their brilliance and intrinsic value.

Maybe sight and thin places/ley lines are more connected than we think?

Also I have been fascinated by this all this time but we have "pocket" realms or any pocket related thing...theia can do it, rhys can do it, apollion and maybe...azriel?

With theia we see this:

By the grace of the Mother, she was paranoid enough about any new allies or companions that she hid the Horn and Harp. She created a pocket of nothingness, she told me, and stashed them there. Only she could access that pocket of nothingness—only she could retrieve the Horn and Harp from its depths. (Hofas)

with apollion we have this:

The seventh and most lethal of the demon princes of Hel was in his mind- “I am not in your mind, though your thoughts ripple toward me like your world's radio waves. You and I are in a place between our worlds. A pocket-realm, as it were.”

Acomaf rhys:

Rhys reached into a bag I hadn’t realized he’d been carrying—no, one he’d summoned from whatever pocket between realms he used for storage.

And with azriel we have this:

Azriel didn’t give them a chance to exchange another word before murmuring shadows swept around them. Nesta couldn’t help clinging to Azriel, gleaning on some innate level that if she let go, she would tumble through this space between places and be lost forever.

We always known azriel's type of winnowing is different...BUT HOW DIFFERENT?

Also side note...Fionn probably has Shadow powers bc Helena and Silene both have shadow and starborn power so them taking the shadow from fionn is possible. I went into more detail about elriel connection to fionn in this post you can read it there.

So...pocket realms maybe they can somehow access space between the worlds? Thin places maybe connected to it?

Also side note this is maybe kinda crack but elriel scene also has "space between"

I saw the painting in my mind: the lovely fawn, blooming spring vibrant behind her. Standing before Death, shadows and terrors lurking over his shoulder. Light and dark, the space between their bodies a blend of the two. The only bridge of connection … that knife.

Maybe Im reading into it but the fact that the only connection "the space between" them is TT...THE KNIFE THAT CAN UNDO THINGS...the knife with gwydion can create Void. The void that is connected with the ley lines/thin places.

The end. 🫡💜

[yesimwriting]

For what i gathered from your style of writing (immaculate btw) i think reader would not responde to nates advances, because contrary to billy, stu and felix he doesnt hide his asshole ways.

So i think the main thrope would be groveling from his part

omg this ask feels like such a cross over!!

you're so right and i love the way you're thinking through this, but let's break down nate's character a little more (and reader's)

one of the major takeaways from that scene where everything that nate looks for in a girl is laid out and the scenes that explain what he liked about maddy is that there's this theme of being drawn to traditional feminity/someone that can play a traditionally feminine role

i think there are a lot of factors that play into him wanting that-- it reflects what he's familiar with, a more feminine partner will push back less/be easier to manipulate (in his head at least), and maybe a smidge of comphet depending on how you read his sexuality

one of his main fantasies is saving maddy from another man and when maddy was trying to win him over, she played into her femininity (and cassie kind of did the same)

and when you think about these reasons and the kind of girl he'd want to go for (and you look at the way he treats maddy when he apologizes and when they first started dating) it's natural for him to have some kinder qualities that come from the instinct to fill that traditionally masculine role in a relationship

so, when considering all of that,, i think nate can be really charming, maybe even a little chivalrous when he's really trying to win someone over

i also think nate's relatively good at reading people, and he can clock that the reader from that last blurb is trying to be a party girl more than actually being one, he knows that reader would never want to be around him if he's openly an asshole, so he manipulates subtly (telling reader to keep their interactions a secret from maddy for her own sake, all while knowing that the sooner he breaks that 'secret keeping' barrier, it'll only get easier to get reader to keep more and more from her friends)

i also see nate as someone who is very capable of being likeable when he wants to be, and reader being kind of sheltered/"innocent" and maddy's friend and being so determined to not like him makes him want to put in the work,,

so he's going to make a point of being soft spoken and nice when he has to see reader, and the harder she tries to dismiss him, the more he's going to commit bc it becomes less about getting maddy's attention and a little more about his ego,, and then finally, about reader

and if we're comparing this reader to final girl!reader or best friend! reader,, (you guys have no way of having known this, i barely referenced it in one sentence) i see this reader as being less looked out for

i picture her mom as one of those moms that wants to be "the cool mom" so bad so that she can pretend her daughter's friends are hers too, and she's so excited that reader is being more social/popular that she's a little lost in it

and i see reader's dad (not me finally giving readers a dad) as being almost the polar opposite, strict and traditional,, so reader still feels the need to hide going out and drinking bc it starts arguments with her parents and that makes her feel guilty

i'd really love to write a fic explaining all of these dynamics and how they overlap with the same style of narration that euphoria episodes that center a specific character's background story are,, i love mimicking niche voices like that it's so fun

anyways this was really long for no reason <3

[trans-axolotl]

okay making a separate post bc i don't really want to get into any drama but like.

idk. intersex is such a broad umbrella term!! there's many ways we have overlap in our experiences. all of us are impacted by intersexism. all of us are impacted by compulsory dyadism.

it's true that there are many of us who don't fit into dyadic ideas about cisness or transness. like, for example idk if i would ever call myself ftm. like i was assigned nothing at birth for about a week and then eventually assigned female at birth and then i went through a testosterone based puberty naturally and then was put on estrogen and anti-androgens and started growing a chest and then went on testosterone got top surgery and then and then and then. anyway its like i am an intersex trans man but im not female to male, im not a dyadic trans man, i don't resonate with endosex transition timelines whatever whatever whatever. but my identity as trans is important to me, whatever.

i know many intersex people who don't see themselves as either cis or trans and just identify as intersex. i know many trans intersex people who it's complicated. i know many cis intersex people who identify as cis but it's complicated. so i don't feel like i would ever say like "oh all cis intersex people experience this thing" or "all cis intersex people have this social location etc etc etc" "All cis intersex people don't experience this kind of discrimination."

but at the same time i am SO tired of seeing ppl make umbrella statements that are like "this thing applies to all trans intersex people" "this thing applies to all cis intersex people" and especially when it comes to saying that all cis intersex people don't sometimes have cis privilege in certain contexts or that cis intersex people can't be transphobic.

bc idk after studying the past 30 years of american intersex activism for my thesis one of the things that CONSISTENTLY jumps out to me is the tension between queer intersex community, and medicalized intersex community that is almost exclusively cis. like so many of the dsd organizations, throughout their past 15 years, have EXPLICTLY made comments disparaging other intersex organizations, calling them too militant, saying that they're ruining the intersex community because they ally with trans people like. all this transphobic bullshit. the dsd organizations today still use very gendered language, let radfems do fucking whatever in their organizations, advocate for surgery and so much other bullshit. like that actively harms trans intersex people especially in a situation where we have such limited resources. there are SO few resources for our specific diagnoses. like if i need medical information for my specific variation, if i need information on like, medication routines, genetic testing, complications, comorbidities, etc etc etc, i HAVE to go to a transphobic organization to get those resources. because there is literally not another diagnosis specific organization that exists! it's the only one! and it means that there are so many more barriers to me accessing the resources, community, and care that i need. because of transphobic intersex people. like. thats an example of how some cis intersex people really cling to their cisness, try to weaponize their cis privilege, and actively cause intracommunity discrimination. you know?

like. idk. i just think that we need to be realistic! in terms of intersex intracommunity things, there absolutely is a lot of transphobia! not from everyone, not saying that every intersex person is either cis or trans, with the understanding that every cis intersex persons experience is still shaped by compulsory dyadism and that shapes how we're viewed as our "real" gender or ways that society thinks we "fail" at our gender but just.

im tired! im tired.

[bugcatcherkit]

hmm now that im thinking of it i wonder if takenaka wouldve been more or less susceptible to the divine tree. bc psychic powers normally seem to give some level of resistance to mind altering effects but also. it seems like its more likely the opposite would be true for him bc of the way the divine tree spreads

I am SO curious about this yeah. literally what was he up to.

I feel like love for the divine tree was so strongly induced that people's thoughts about it could have seeped through his earplugs and he went "whaat the fuck is going on?" ALSO!! It's so interesting to think about how those thoughts Felt, because Dimple manipulated people's true feelings so they would develop their own kind of love for the divine tree. Meaning those thoughts were technically the "voices of people's hearts," but maybe felt unnerving and artificial anyway.

I do like the idea that he has less defences against that sort of stuff. It's probably most likely since he can't stop his telepathy naturally and is constantly exposed to people's thoughts if he doesn't have his earphones/earplugs in. My fuckass esper who can't form any barriers at all or see ghosts or levitate things with his mind...

BUT I think MOST of his susceptibility actually comes from his desire to be cool and normal and go with the flow. He loves fitting in!! Also his hyper-focus on like social cues and stuff. If someone told him "you're not into divine tree? don't be weird man" he'd fold immediately. He'd probably resist more if the brainwashing was coming his way via telepathic thoughts only, no matter what mental defences he had. But if it was the physical atmosphere he probably wouldn't resist it too much. His ass was NOT escaping the herd mentality!!!

[krchar]

Introducing: My Basiliadean Headcanons II

Ok... this is part II of my overthinking... (part I) it is so long, it is only for the strong with the brainrot

I gave some issues too much thought when writing my fics

5. Basiliade and romantic love This is quite an issue, when you dive into Basiliade for the ships lol.. so I thought about it damn lot So.. we see Orube is surprised at the huge role of romantic love in the lives of Earthlings.

We also know that Basiliade, at least in elite classes, is quite a strict society based on firm hierarchies, not very prone to attachment – as is seen in the memory of Orube's father (the guy is hot tho)

although the society might clearly favour other kinds of attachment and love – like that between master and apprentice (and Orube is also surprised the girls seem to put love before friendship sometimes). It is possible that romantic love is just not as important in the society - even on Earth it had a lesser role at times, than the extreme one it has now in the Western media. It can also be looked down upon, as drawing a person from more important spheres of life. When I wrote H/Y, I presumed their relationship would be secret - I joked on everyone actually having an inkling in the Garden, cause I thought the reality of such society is always different than the ideal - but generally I kept love as something you are not open about. Of course, H/Y are two males, so it might have appeared as an issue of homophobia - as it is common to presume homophobic tendencies for any made up world. My reasons for their secrecy and restraint were actually more complex, but I regrettably might not have made it very clear - although I have some, eh, WIPs mentioning hetero relations of warriors as problematic, too. Still, to add some self-reflection, I suppose including the secrecy might’ve felt natural to me, because I have the homophobic trope internalized like most people. But my reasons were 1) The society viewed as strict, non-individualistic and focusing on other spheres. Basiliade comes from the comics’s orientalistic tropes, so I think it is based on these classic patterns emphasized in Western portrayal of the Far East. Still, I keep thinking of a 17th century Chinese play that I have seen years ago, a story of two lovers divided by dramatic events and seeking each other - then meeting with all the drama, then a monk tells them their love means nothing - and they realize she is right and stop feeling the love. As a then ca. 15 yo European, I was shocked. Still I felt like - oh, yeah, the Far East, classic - bc I am a Westerner, like the authors of the comics. 2) Warrior lifestyle - I see masters as an icon of the strict society - they live for a task and they subordinate their personal desires to it. Note e.g. the hints of Orube's difficult and humbling training, her painful parting from her family, which refuses to acknowledge her pain, Yarr's self-diminishing after an apparent mistake etc. I mean, there's this:

but I think this refers to a bit of a different level - keeping your values, your identity, but not being self-centered. In a fic I also followed Orube's unfamiliarity with love and made Yarr a bit confused about his crush, although now I think that at his age (ca. 39 then), he might have had a better idea... but I also made it specific to his warrior life, that he is just not used to love, although he does know it from theatre - cause I think it might have a role, but it is problematic, unofficial, left for art, fringe culture, stories of old times and not the present. And definitely not for the daily life of masters. 3) For masters also the rank must play a role - and this could be extended to class in the general society. Strong hierarchies commonly build great barriers between people. Specifically H & Y in my story are divided by several years in duty, but much more by those two cursed years of them being master and apprentice, which, apparently, might connect and divide you at once, for life. Even in canon, it is interesting, how Y. keeps the custom of respect, when they meet, even though by now he may just as well have a rank much higher than H had, when he had left. Y. keeps this mostly formally, while they seem to speak quite equally at times, but it is there. H. was once his superior, and so he is forever. I hc that, generally, in such society, love over the borders of class would not be favoured, and for masters difference of rank would make the situation even more problematic, than it already is.

Still this all is based on the orientalistic trope - it is not impossible that some masters were quite unhinged and nobody cared.. or that, as I mentioned, the society had a certain facade, but inside everything was very different - I think I was using the latter idea mostly

Well but... these were my thoughts.. yours?

[bestworstcase]

Rwby beyond March 30th, any theories? What are you hoping gets explored? Please let me see team OREN, 🅱️lease

given how directly salient RH was to neo’s arc in v9, i expect the same to hold true for the CFVY novels in regard to the vacuo arc, and i think making that backstory more accessible to general/casual audiences is one of the core purposes of rwby beyond—giving cliff notes in a brief animated short is a lot less of a barrier than asking viewers to read two entire novels, even if the novels in question are quite short. a succinct recap of what went down with the crown’s insurgency prior to the broadcast and arrival of refugees from atlas + character-focused shorts giving some sense of what’s been going on with the vacuo coalition in the aftermath so that v10 can hit the ground running seems the most likely. a sort of after-credits “where are they now” for v8 but with the intention of setting the stage for v10 as opposed to tying off loose ends.

i anticipate it’ll be in a similar vein to the epilogue animatic—like a more narrative-driven world of remnant-esque series where it’s in-character exposition over a sort of slide show. (what i would ideally really like is if we got the same basic story told in a different ways by different characters, rashomon style, as a way of elaborating on the story’s themes about storytelling and the nature of truth.)

i am not holding my breath for anything to do with salem or cinder or summer, but i would be over the moon to get even the tiniest crumb of what’s happening over there given that they are Clearly Not in vacuo.

given the description of “untold stories happening in remnant during v9 and even beyond” i am wondering if the series will like, end around where the storyboard epilogue does—ie with the reunion after rwbyj return—again for the purpose of easing the narrative burden at the top of v9. i could even see it going as far as settling rwbyj into the New Normal in vacuo (as in, establishing up to the equivalent of where they’re at in rwby x jl pt 2), although that depends on how important the Explanations are narratively (the more important they are, the less likely they’ll be in rwby beyond bc you want to reserve critical scenes for the show proper)

the other possibility is that “and even beyond” means in the past, in which case we might get some “missing scene”-esque shorts set during previous volumes. which i think would be pretty neat.

i would love it if we got a spot or two focused on civilians rather than the main cast—for many reasons, vacuo is the ideal point in the narrative to start breaking down the hard boundaries between huntsmen and civilians and the CFVY novels focus quite a lot on non-huntsmen experiences, so i’m pretty optimistic that this will happen generally but i’d be stoked to directly get a glimpse through the eyes of an ordinary vacuan citizen or mantelian refugee with no connection to the plot whatsoever, and the relative low-stakes of an ancillary “untold (short) stories” series is the perfect place for that. fingers crossed.

in addition to the CFVY novels recap, i’m placing my bets on a short centered on qrow, oscar+ozma, ren, nora, emerald, winter and/or the schnees, robyn and the other happy huntresses, pietro+maria and whoever else is involved with converting amity into a battleship, arrival of aid from vale and mistral, glynda, (possibly) mercury+tyrian, and raven. plus tai if he’s left his cabin. that’s assuming like WOR-length shorts; if they’re longer then these can and probably will be combined more efficiently. but broadly speaking those are the important narrative gaps to fill in.

[mins-fins]

five chronicles — ricky shen

the five most important moments of their relationship in ricky's eyes.

tags :: ricky shen x m!reader , chronological but also non-chronological , ricky is super in love , specific descriptions bc i love them , ricky-centric , reader is a bundle of joy , they're made for each other , fluff start angst end

ONE. ( their first interaction )

of course, meeting someone for the first time is an important staple in any new relationship, but on a survival show, it's way weirder.

ricky wasn't really close to anyone but his fellow yuehua trainees, and he didn't even know if he would make friends, due to how awkward he was. he wasn't even sure what was going on when y/n first approached him.

now y/n, y/n is very pretty, like— super pretty, all ricky could do when he was talking to him was stare at his face, there seemed to be absolutely no mistakes on it, like he was carved by the gods.

"hi! ricky right?"

ricky pauses for a moment, clearing his throat as he gathers his thoughts. "um, yeah, yeah that's me" he responds, sounding much more awkward than he wanted to.

the unknown boy smiles. "sato y/n, it's nice to meet you!" he extends his hand for ricky to shake, and he takes it, noticing the major difference in their hand temperatures.

"i watched your introduction video, your very hilarious".

ricky feels his face burn red, he doesn't know for what, though. he just wasn't used to such words from random pretty boys, but he genuinely finds the compliment endearing.

"i.. thank you" he says, voice much lower than he intended. "that's very nice of you".

"ah, it's really no problem, complimenting people is just a second nature to me".

ricky simply laughs, waving his hand. "it's fine, i just admire your nice nature".

it was weird for someone to just walk up to him out of the blue, compliment him out of nowhere. ricky only really received compliments from his parents' friends, or random people on the street, not someone so much like him.

he always thanks himself in his head that y/n had approached him, because he didn't even realize how much of a turn his life would take from this point.

TWO. ( dream team )

"ah, were on the same team! how exciting!"

y/n comments unconsciously, addressing ricky, he doesn't look to him though, which confuses ricky greatly. he looks towards the male, who just rocks back and forth, whistling.

"you were talking to me?"

"yeah" he responds, smiling politely at the shen. ricky simply blinks, eyes stuck on his figure. he can't help but stare, he's pretty, super pretty, he has this soft smile on his lips and his brown eyes look like they hold universes in them.

is it bad to stare? he might look like he's glaring, and that would just be a field day for all those mnet editors. he sighs and looks away, putting his hands behind his back.

they were on the same team, performing back door by stray kids. it was safe to say that ricky was nervous, but y/n seemed to be confident. ricky wanted to have that kind of attitude, but he just couldn't.

he found his hands shaking almost constantly, his stomach felt all over the place, and as he found himself backstage, he felt his fight or flight instincts kick in as he almost bolted away.

"jesus, are you cold?"

"no, i'm worried" he admits rather openly. y/n hums at the words, understanding.

"you have nothing to worry about, your going to do great" he whispers, and though ricky wants to believe the words, there's this thing that just makes him not want to.

"i want to believe that, but i can't".

"you can't?"

his hands start shaking almost faster as he's asked that question. they're up in a few minutes, he can't possibly explain it now.

still, he'll try.

"i don't know, it's like theres this barrier stopping me from feeling any kind of confidence, it's like it's making all of my anxiety escalate".

y/n doesn't interrupt him, just lets him talk, lets him pour out whatever feelings he has. he hums again, taking ricky's shaking hand. "alright, i get it, you feel anxious, take a deep breath".

the older male instructs, squeezing his hand as a way of encouragement. ricky doesn't know why he feels his anxiousness already going away, but he nods, taking in a deep breath, then exhaling.

"you know you shouldn't doubt yourself, right? everyone knows how amazing you are, and you did amazing during that practice, your gonna crush this performance, i'm sure of it".

y/n smiles at him once again, rubbing his hand for a moment before letting it go. "thank you, i really needed that" ricky mutters, not knowing what this strange fluttering feeling in his stomach was.

"it's really no problem, i just want to make sure my teammates are alright".

ricky nods, feeling his face go red once again when y/n pokes his cheek, giggling. "well, you better crush that stage".

THREE. ( a somewhat-strange conversation )

y/n had found his way into ricky's room, and eventually ricky's bed. it seemed to happen in a flash, where he had just woken up and now there was just this random pretty boy in his bed.

not that he was complaining, of course.

y/n looks up, his head still laid onto ricky's pillow. "so" he begins, starting another one of his somewhat strange conversations, he rolls over as he stares at ricky's figure.

"so?" ricky asks, craning his neck to turn and look at y/n, who was staring back with that signature smile of his. "so what?"

"what do you plan to do after the show? if you don't debut that is.."

ricky shrugs, fully turning around so he could get a better look at him. "i'll probably just go home, my parents want me to take over their company".

y/n snorts, amused. "ah, so you're that kind of rich, you could buy mnet if you wanted to!"

ricky laughs, and y/n continues. "you really took young and rich way too seriously".

he nods, enamored by the males words. "and what about you? what do you plan to do?"

y/n hums, flopping back down onto ricky's bed. "i'll probably just go back to school, i almost quit for this shit".

"i have no doubt you'll debut" ricky says almost unconsciously, the words had been on the tip of his tongue for what seemed like forever.

the older male laughs. "i have no doubt you'll debut" he emphasizes the you'll, as if he's saying a completely different sentence. "you've got this".

"you have a lot of confidence in me, but you never talk about yourself" ricky questions, yet it doesn't really come out like a question, more of a blank statement.

"if it happens, it happens, i'm just moving with the flow" he responds simply. ricky doesn't really understand that whole mentality, but he just laughs at y/n's words.

what a spectacle he is.

FOUR. ( favorite couple )

"whose your best friend, n/n?"

y/n hums, pretending to think when he knows his answer will be ricky. the two of them are clearly pretty close, he's the type of person to become best friends with someone after only a few hours of knowing them, and his answer was almost obvious if anything.

"ricky! right? were very close" he replies, the answer on his mind, almost rehearsed. ricky freezes, as if he didn't expect that. he had spent the past few days with him, just talking to him, he enjoyed his company, and y/n showered him with hugs and affection.

"me? i've never really been someone's best friend before" he mumbles, the gratefulness in his voice clear.

y/n giggles as he intertwines their hands. "well, your mine now! you can't get rid of me!" he yells, leaning onto ricky.

ricky simply stares, a habit of his whenever y/n is around. he captures his attention so easily, not even having to do anything spectacular to. it's not everyday someone he'd just met no more than two months ago makes him feel so.. weird.

he simply found y/n endearing, amazing. he was the epitome of joy, so grateful for his opportunities and everything given to him. he's patient, doesn't force anyone into anything they don't want to. he loved everything about him, his eyes, his voice, his personality, his humor, his smile, his laugh, his—

oh, he's rambling now isn't he?

he just loves how he feels around him, he doesn't feel any of the other platonic feelings he's felt for the other trainees, he feels love, and not just in a friendship way, but in a genuinely romantic way.

y/n is just amazing like that.

"i don't plan on getting rid of you anyway" he teases back, leaning his head onto y/n's. the two look so cute, like a newly wed couple or something.

"aww, they look like a couple" junhyeon teases, earning boisterous laughter from taerae, who definitely agrees.

they just seem made for each other.

FIVE. ( our final goodbyes )

ricky was originally stressed.

he had been scratching his hands all day, worried that he might not be able to debut, he was so worried that he'd barely gotten any sleep the previous night. everything in boys planet had led up to this, and it was an obviously stressful day for everyone.

fortunately, y/n was right there.

"calm down, ricky, nervousness makes your posture bad".

he runs a hand up and down ricky's back, and ricky can't fathom how he's so calm. "how are you so calm? you should be biting off your nails by now".

"as i said, if it happens it happens, just don't stress yourself out about it so much, i'm sure you'll make it".

y/n was right.

as ricky sits in his chair, having won at p04, he crosses his fingers in hope that y/n's name will somehow be called next. he finally made it, but he wanted to make sure y/n did too, he wanted to at least debut with him.

p03: seok matthew.

p02: sung hanbin.

p01: zhang hao.

there's really only a sliver of hope left, anyone could be called for p09, anyone could become the final member of the group, and he hopes to god that y/n makes it, he doesn't know what'd he do if he didn't.

"and rank p09 is.."

y/n y/n y/n y/n y/n y/n y/n y/n y/n y/n—

"han yujin!"

oh.

ricky closed his eyes. he's grateful, but also angry, so angry. at himself. he made it and y/n didn't. after all he did for him? after he encouraged him to do his best? after he made sure that everyone felt alright and were in their best head spaces for the performance?

he wants to cry.

he can't.

he wants to throw up.

he can't.

ricky went into this survival show stuff thinking nothing of it. he didn't expect to debut, he didn't expect to be loved, he didn't expect to fall in love.

and, he didn't expect to be so heartbroken over y/n not debuting with him.

he finds it even harder to accept as he watches y/n cry, hugging junhyeon in the crowd. his face stays still, not moving, as if he's unaffected, but he truly can't bring himself to come to terms with it.

all he wanted to do was to talk to y/n.

he immediately began searching for him when he stepped into the crowd to say goodbye, giving both jay and jeonghyeon hugs as he searched for the seemingly invisible boy.

"there you are" his voice whispers. ricky sighs, smiling, although disappointed.

"here i am" he replies, face not moving. y/n has dry tears on his face, but he's still smiling. "i told you, i was sure you'd make it".

ricky bites his inner cheek, the words only having been told to him a few hours ago. "yeah, guess you are a fortune teller".

"i couldn't tell my own fortune though".

even if he's trying to cope with humor, it seems to not work, as tears start welling up in his eyes once again. "i'm so proud of you, you know that?"

"y/n—"

"i became friends with you because you were cool, i seriously do still think your cool, i was so amazed by everything you did, and when you agreed that i was your best friend, it made me feel special, you made me feel special".

ricky isn't sure how he keeps his composure, even with all the shouting and chatter going on around him, y/n is the only person he sees, the only one he hears, his only focus.

"i wanted to debut with you.." he mumbles, taking his hands, probably for the last time.

y/n smiles, and ricky wipes the tears from his face. "me too, but you did it! go on, have fun with your group".

it felt like a piece of him was being broken away, as if this was one of the most heartbreaking moments of his entire life. he takes a deep breath and wipes y/n's tears away.

ricky pulls him into a hug, sighing. "i'm so sorry, i— i failed you".

"you didn't" y/n chuckles, running a hand up and down his back. "it's okay, you made it, that's all that matters".

but you matter too, he wants to say. the words are on the tip of his tongue, he wants to say them so bad, but he couldn't, like he was being prevented from doing so.

"don't think it's your fault, i'm still proud of you, okay?"

ricky nods, he doesn't want to let go, but he has too, because he has to go, everything has to end eventually.

he finally lets go of y/n's hands after what seems like forever, but he still can't seem to step away.

"you know i love you, right ricky?"

the words seem so random, but y/n is random, even through tears and with everyone else talking in the background, he still finds the confidence to say those words.

"i love you too" ricky replies.

that was probably the last time he'd ever say those words.

AUTHORS NOTE — HOLY MOTHER OF GOD this was tragic!!! i genuinely felt like sobbing while writing this wtf ╥﹏╥

[an-ruraiocht]

reflections on hormones and medical misogyny and hoop-jumping

in order to start testosterone, i ended up having to pay i think £480 total for three (3) separate appointments with two (2) separate psychiatrists to admit that i'm definitely trans before i could get a referral to an endocrinologist which also cost me several hundred pounds so that they could prescribe testosterone. i was lucky that my GP did the blood tests or i would have had to pay for those too, likewise they took over the prescriptions so i only pay the £9.50ish charge for those rather than the full price, but it was still a hell of a lot of a cash to fork out. i had to pay all of this because the waiting list for a first appointment with the gender clinic is more than five years and bc they make nonbinary people jump through more hoops for referrals than they do for binary trans people following a more conventional transition path. they now test my blood every 3 months to make sure everything's at a healthy level and it's not having a knock-on impact on my organs and they check in regularly about dosage

when i was seventeen i had a single conversation with a GP after which they put me on the combined contraceptive pill, for which i never paid a penny, and which i stayed on more or less continuously (there was one break for a few months) until i was 28. for 11 years this altered my body's hormone levels to the point of suppressing my testosterone to the absolute lowest level that could be considered technically "healthy". it just about performed its required function of making my periods regular and semi-bearable, but along the way this fucked my joints, my muscle strength, my ability to grow body hair, my energy levels, and my ability to concentrate. for eleven years. on the basis of one appointment with a non-specialist as a teenager. they never tested anything except my blood pressure and even that got skipped as time went on and they could dismiss it as "nice and low" while ignoring my chronic anaemia and fatigue

why does fucking with my hormones in one direction require constant oversight and jumping through tons of hoops, and the other doesn't? why are they so alert to the side effects of gender-affirming care, and completely ignoring the side effects of other hormonal healthcare?

it's not that they shouldn't have prescribed me the pill or should have put additional barriers in place; it's that i shouldn't have had to jump through all those hoops to access testosterone. it's not that they shouldn't be monitoring the impact of the testosterone, it's that they should have monitored the impact of the pill. it's not that 17yo me shouldn't have been trusted to give informed consent, it's that 17yo me wasn't informed but was permitted to consent, while 28yo me was informed but not permitted to consent, and had to jump through dehumanising hoops instead to have strangers assess whether they deserved to make choices

they fucked me over with both sets of hormones. they whacked my body's hormone sliders firmly towards the oestrogen/progesterone ends of the spectrum without a second thought, because that was "natural", so fuck the side effects, but they made it as hard for me as possible to try to go the other way. i was anaemic and could scarcely grow body hair and had injuries that refused to heal for years and couldn't concentrate or stay awake for a DECADE but i'm supposed to be scared of the possibility of male pattern baldness? (i mean. i am. but going a bit bald feels a small price to pay for feeling awake when my eyes are open, to borrow a phrase from the raven cycle)

so much of it in both directions is medical misogyny: the idea that i have a particular body which is supposed to behave in a particular way and so the only "solutions" available are those which conform to this, and the lack of research into the actual effects of hormones like oestrogen and progesterone on other health conditions

but what really sickens me is how they say "you can't possibly make this decision, we have to keep people away from these side effects, we don't know what impact this has on bodies long-term" but they'll put a 17yo on the pill and then abandon them despite ten years of chronic illness with no further investigation into how artificial hormone levels might be affecting some of that chronic illness. you can't have it both ways, medicine. either hormones need monitoring and caring about or they don't

access to the pill is healthcare. it should be done on an informed consent model, and needs careful monitoring to make sure it's helping not harming, and adjustments if necessary.

access to gender affirming hormones is healthcare. it should be done on an informed consent model, and needs careful monitoring to make sure it's helping not harming, and adjustments if necessary.

instead you have to fight tooth-and-nail for one and pay through the nose for it, and the other distributed carelessly with little thought or follow-up. i am only now beginning to realise how profoundly i was being fucked over by the pill and just because it also helped me does not mean it was fine that that happened and that, crucially, nobody would have realised it was happening if i hadn't decided to go on T (prompting both investigations into my actual hormone levels, and then perceptible changes once they began to shift). because they did not give a fuck. because it was "natural" for a "female" body to behave like that, right?

anyway idk if i'm gonna stay on T forever but i don't think i could ever go back on the combined pill knowing what i know now about how it's possible for my body to feel when my T level isn't literally 0.5. i'm not thrilled about the idea of going for lucky dip hormone fluctuations given how well that's gone for me in the past but i guess i'll cross that bridge when i come to it. there's got to be some kind of viable option out there for me

[a-libra-writes]

hi hi, sorry for not answering, I had a busy day😅

to answer what you said in the tags, I feel like the more people to read the more I can improve by the constructive criticism yk, so I wouldn't really mind if you posted my rambles lol

YEEEHAW LETS GO. I put a cut for those who are also interested! :3 Im gonna copy and paste bc tumblr acts up and hates me personally LOL

Angst ahead !!!

would it be morally wrong to be romantically attracted to Viktor even though he has a wife and daughter that he probably misses very much?

like, I could even picture reader finding out about this and then understanding why he doesn't reciprocate your feelings as much as you'd like (even though the two of you have great chemistry and he clearly has feeling for you as well) and so, the reader proceeds to distance themselves little by little, mainly out of guilt bcs like "damn, I am trying to get with a man who's married and has a daughter" and out of insecurity that you would never be like his wife in any way, shape or form for him to love you back (even though he already does but they don't know that).

I feel like Viktor would notice their sudden change of behavior but I don't think he would do much about it because he'd think they found someone better for them than him, or they fell out of love with him after he opened up a little to them (these are the insecurities that he has and now he thinks it's actually coming true).

and so, the two of them would be silently yearning/longing for each other but now with an invisible barrier between them and if he ever confessed to reader they'd be like:

(this has been my roman empire ever since I found out about his estranged family 😭 even though I am a pessimist by nature I still want a happy ending to this)

it would take Ivy and Mitzi to help them guys out because out of everyone they were the ones rooting a lot for them to end up together and for their ship to sink lol (in this scenario Viktor hasn't confessed and reader didn't reject him)

Mitzi (pretending that she doesn't know that you and Viktor are getting distant with each other) "casually" talks to you about how much happier Viktor has been ever since they've entered his life and how much he needed for a good thing to happen in his life, how she never saw him smile as much as he did with them, and so on.

Ivy, on the other hand would be berating the shit out of Viktor like "what the hell is going on?? you guys were so cute together and now I barely see you two even talk!" he'd reluctantly and begrudgingly say what he thinks is going on, that you found someone better, that you are better off without him but Ivy would say that that's nonsense, she knows you'd never do that without even saying something about it and that's what brings her to ask "did you even talk to them?" and he'd stay silent. after talking with the two of you, lvy and Mitzi would have to get the two of you alone to talk and sort things out. Mitzi would place a letter on your nightstand telling you to meet her at the garage (where Viktor would be) when you get there and your eyes lock the air is filled with an awkward silence, you quickly find out that Mitzi and lvy set the two of you up for this after Viktor asks where's Ivy bcs she told him to meet him there.

after you explain to him that they planned this you say that it's unnecessary and you don't

even know why they'd do this (obvious lie) you start walking out but Viktor stops you by gently holding your wrist, and then you see it in his face, his furrowed brows (they were almost always furrowed but never like this), the longing in his gaze (you don't remember seeing him look at you with so much emotion before), the bags under his eyes (he hasn't been sleeping properly), the silent plea for you to stay (who are you to deny him when he looks at you so lovingly like this?)

you two spend hours talking and explaining how you feel in the verge of tears, leading to a confession of both parties. the two of you end up holding each other in a long and warm embrace, whispering sweet nothings in each other's ear.

(that's it for now, lmk what you think)"