#bc this trauma has been choking me more and more on the daily

[aviofavalon]

i'm so fucking tired i made a vent post on fb about my very specific trauma and my family made their feelings about it a Deal and i couldn't sleep well

christ

[neverchecking]

Hello!!! I’m here to inquire about Aaliyah and Link’s full story as I can’t seem to find it in your Masterlist. If that’s ok? If it’s private and you just wanna just give out tidbits then that’s completely ok!!! I started reading your joint fic constellation and I’m hooked on it and the characters!!! I already went and asked about part four lol!

omgomgomgomgomgomgomg- OKAY I'VE REHEARSED FOR THIS-

I'm so glad you asked!

So, I did release one written portion already -> Here!

But! Im gonna be so real with you guys, I forgot I did it and have not worked on it at all fnofnf

I love answering questions about my girl so ask away! I'm also so glad you like constellations it has my heart fr. Part four is...on its way but with Kinktober and our adult lives (I'm a full time student and Bailey has a big girl job) it kinda got pushed back (And we're in our trigun eras). But it has been started!

So, let's talk about Aaliyah and Sage.

Their story starts in the Pre-Calamity era. Sage is still a knight, however, Aaliyah is now there too! She's a bastard child born out of wedlock to the village of Kakariko-- who take the phrase it takes a village a little too literally.

From very early in her life, Aaliyah is proclaimed the Sheikah Champion and spends her life training for this role. She learns ancient magic regarding rune extraction and usage (Basically how Impa fights in AOC) and in ancient swordsmanship.

She's taken to the castle with Purah and Impa and from there meets the other champions.

Her and Link didn't actually like each other all that much from the start? They were incredibly weary and on edge when the other was around bc of the other's skill set and how they could be an obvious threat to their current missions (Either protecting Zelda or staying with Impa).

Aaliyah actually made friends with Revali pretty easily because she wasn't gifted with this great courage or wisdom or any abilities. It was something she earned and worked incredibly hard to harness, like Revali's gale So they spent their free time talking shit about Link and the other champions in the garden for a while.

Link and Aaliyah only really started getting to know each other after a spar in the garden. Link kicked her ass, make no doubts about it (Lore accurate Link? Are you kidding? Aaliyah never stood a chance.), but after hearing her get her ass chewed out by Impa he bashfully offered a kind shoulder.

The thing about them that I LOVE incorporating into their story is that before they died? These two were honestly so adorable. In my head. But im giving you guess my head lore rn.

Like Aaliyah is the smart one out of them, okay? Let me set this straight. So, she knows things like sign language. So when she mindlessly does a wave of her hand to curse off a noble without them knowing? And Link, who ALSO knows sign language sees this?

OMFG- he chokes on his spit. And she looks over and just flushes this bright red, but has this shy little smile on her face because, 'hey, this guy isn't so bad?'.

Or Link just laying his head in her lap and letting her braid flowers into his hair while they sit in silence or he reads to her??

Or Aaliyah just sitting on a rock, pretending to be writing her daily prayers, but is really watching Link practice his swordsmanship with Fi?

They were that kind of cute.

ANYWAY-

So, in Eye of the Storm, I go into further depth onto how Aaliyah died-- protecting Link and Zelda.

If you haven't read it, heres the run down. They get surrounded by Yiga, and she dies because she sends Link and Zelda back with the slate, acting as a distraction so they have the time to leave.

Demon carver carves her ass.

Link watches, duh, because A) I needed him to have that trauma to form their relationship a little more and B) Traumatizing him is so fun.

Anyway, so she dies. The Sheikah are ancient beings with unyielding loyalty, since they follow the royal family everywhere this is obvious, and are hence incredibly loyal to their champion. They manage to save her with their plan B option. I'm pretty sure I wrote it as a makeshift shrine but it also is probably a little bit of black magic.

Anyway, a century passes. Aaliyah awakes in a place that had long since fell to ruins, mind blank and head empty.

But she's angry. She wakes up so mind numbingly angry and stomps off with her original slate. It's broken and doesn't work, but she uses it like a weapon. Eventually, she runs into Link! Woo, but like...

Imagine you lock two angry cats fighting for territory in a room and them throw a sprinkler in there.

They're both angry. They don't know anything, and resources are sparce, They fight, of course, and both eventually walk off with their tails between their legs. BUT they keep fucking meeting. AND ITS A PATTERN

Except they start relearning things! Like how to fight and how to use a bow, and they get better armor, better equipment. When Link shows up with a shield, she blows his ass up.

At some point, they start expecting to see each other. They stop fighting so much and instead share a campsite.

AND THEN- they happen to be walking towards a stable together and are just HIT with the imagery of her death <3

Thats also a mess that leaves them storming away from each other <3

They meet again in Kakariko and eventually talk it out. Aaliyah goes with him to the castle, does not fall through the floor, instead watched from above like :O. bc shes a dumbass.

She does make sure he stays alive though. Throws a fairy in a bottle at him at some point which hits him and he turns like >:( and she's just 'oops'.

Then they save Zelda yadda yadda. Aaliyah moves on with her life bc her and Zelda prolly hate each other (There is no prolly they do. They HATE each other. Like middle aged white women in PTA's.)

But, Aaliyah is such a big figure head to the Sheikah, there's no real escape. So her and Link slowly redevelop their relationship.

When the gloom starts spreading, Aaliyah remains at the castle base while they go to investigate, working with the people to sort them and everything.

Luckily for her, when Ganon is like >:) I'm back, she doesn't have to experience it first hand because she falls into a gloom pit. Takes her OUT man. She's stuck down there long enough that gloom probably sinks in and she gets super sick because of it

Eventually she finds this weird temple place right? And there's these parts right? Surely you see where I'm going with this

And so she builds this giant robot okay? In her tord Era (omg eddsworld is so old now that I think about it), and meets this...thing okay?

And the thing is like 🤨 u aren't swordsman link and aaliyah is like 🤨 yeah what of it?

And mineru is all ...u did all this? And aaliyah is like yeah suck it bitch. And then mineru is like "aight you cool then. Lemme show you this cool room. It'll give you a cool necklace AND a headpiece. And outfit ig"

So aaliyah gets that green neck piece and hairpiece I've drawn her with once. She doesn't care for the hairpiece but she'll wear it for special occasions.

The link appears FINALLY >:( AND they have this whole Spiderman moment where they're point at each other, as if shocked to see the other)

"I thought you were dead?"

"YOU FUCKING FELL THROUGH A HOLE AND DIDNT THINK TO STAY PUT SO I COULD FIND YOU?"

It's great.

So aaliyah gets her spirit stone as the Sage of spirits and her giant rock.

Then she visits purah gets her own purah pad. She gets to keep her bombs AND stasis bc I said so. And her giant robot.

From there they go around trying to bring order back to their hyrule bc like...Zelda isnt in danger really? They know where she is and she seems fine.

They get a new house bc someone took theirs smh (they were just roommates in that first house guys lmao) and take turns with the shrines to reduce the gloom in their systems

Okay sidebar; when I was doing that aaliyah and Tia bits I wasn't lying about aaliyah being like in hyrule but she's liked in the same sense Robin hood was liked. Nobles hate her

But tulin likes her and so does teba and saki

Yunobo does not.

Sidon and yona think of her and Sage like puppies. Like they are the embodiment of that one meme that's just

Zora, with either hanging off them: GET YOUR FUCKING HYLIAN

Sidon/ Yona: they don't bite 😊

Zora: YES THEY FUCKING DO-

riju also likes them. They are the Honorary siblings of hyrule even if they claim to hate everyone.

There are few people that have gotten through

That being said, they are scary to the average stablehand

They are scarred and ragged and look like if you breath at them wrong they'll fucking gut you.

Which they might but that's not the point

Eventually they run out of reasons to not fight Ganon and have to go...do that

This one they take on together bc they are common law married bc I said so

They've spent so much time together now its only natural. Like yeah its not gay to kiss the homies goodnight but its a little gay when you guys live together cook meals together and lay on the couch talking about life together

Even historians are calling them lovers at this point

So they save Zelda! I hate how end of totk goes and I think she should've STAYED a dragon but also I need her human for the drama between her and aaliyah. Maybe she has horns and scales and she's also now a little fucked up.

Sage KEEPS HIS RAURU ARM HE DOES NOT GET HIS NORMAL ARM. thank you.

Aaliyah and Sage mostly try to live a normal life but yk...

Natura tries to demand Sage back to his knightly role but after everything that just happened he's like "not a chance"

He becomes a lovely househusband that terrifies newcomers in Tarrey town but the locals love him

He offers protection quality recipes and is willing to go Gerudo for this one ingredient Harriet needed for her stew that night

Aaliyah remains a diplomat of sorts since people trust her rather than this figurehead for focused on digging through the remains of her people for info on tech they shouldn't ever try to harness rather than ..yk.... govern.

She tends to stick close to Sage tho

Their relationship is very...codependent. I think I've said this before but these two learn to rely on each other

Its not healthy and I don't condone this type of relationship but it's so fun to write

These two are disgustingly reliant on the other. It's the type of relationship where they only do self care things for the other person to know they're okay

They are grossly jealous individuals, incredibly possessive and will have extremist reactions to people trying to flirt with what's theirs

I cannot emphasize how toxic this is for anyone. But these two make it work

Only these two who are FICTIONAL. THIS IS NOT THE TYPE OF RELATIONSHIP THAT IS HEALTHY. DO NOT LOOK FOR THIS IN A PARTNER.

These two have a history together and with their broken psyche it gets twisted.

But they're happy together and stop their other half from destroying hyrule.

And in the end that's all that matters <3

If you have any other questions regarding these two I'd be more than happy to answer them 😊😊

[spruceleavees]

my family tries to tell me that i need other hobbies than just sitting in my room thinking about sambucky so here are some sambucky hcs because i don't care about what my family thinks :)

bucky hates the cold (bc trauma) so sam buys the softest blankets he can find anytime he goes to the store. their hall closet is full of blankets and matching fuzzy pillow cases

they both despise valentine's day.

sometimes bucky will just,,bring home a random animal. doesn't matter if it was hurt or it was just cute. so they end up buying a house on a bigger plot of land to keep them all

sam has a vast variety of cartoon character socks

they alternate between who cooks and who cleans daily

if one is having a bad day the other is so they curl up on the couch and watch whatever is on nickelodeon

bucky loves to read to an almost obsessive extent, they have fourteen small bookshelves and regular shelves that are full with books. and bucky has read every one of them. multiple times.

when sam was a kid he wanted to be a photographer so he has three shoe boxes in their closet full of pictures he took around the world.

sam told bucky about how scott beat him up so now every time they're together and bucky sees an ant he'll push sam out of the way and say "that was a close one, almost got your ass kicked again" with the most shit eating expression sam's ever seen

bucky has really bad separation anxiety (its worse when sam's on a dangerous mission) so sam contacted shuri to get some of those unlimited range ear piece thingies and he talks to bucky throughout the time he's gone

sam has add and bucky always helps him stay on track without interrupting his thoughts

if they ever fight, they still always say "i love you" after because back in the day bucky and steve got in a fight and then steve almost died and bucky realized that his last words to his best friend could've been "i hope you choke on a fish bone" and it scared him

sam used to be emo

their house always smells like pumpkin because bucky really likes fall candles

the first time they told each other "i love you" was in a sonic parking lot

bucky has the biggest sweet tooth ever and sam always keeps candy in random places in their house for him

most of the food they cook is spicy

sam can bake

they have matching pajamas (sam wears the top + his underwear and bucky wears the bottoms w/o a shirt)

they also have bff necklaces courtesy of claire's

sam has a million different interests and bucky always listens intently while sam is ranting about one of them, even stopping to ask questions or getting into it himself

torres always makes them do couple tiktok challenges

bucky is really good at woodwork. he built their bird's house, their dogs' house, their cats' little jumping platforms, and their goat's pin.

they always try to one up the other on birthdays or special occasions

there are so many more but i'll spare you today.

[cdroloisms]

i think that although the theories/aus of puffy's son dream and wil's brother dream are interesting to think about, especially the implications, the (probably) canon statement that he really has no family to me hits the hardest. because it's just dream, you know. his friends hate him, he has none (p relatable), but i can't really imagine,, both not having friends and not having a family. that's kind of what keeps a lot of us sane and okay ( - quill anon (same anon from the c!tubbo c!wil ask) )

ouch quill anon ,, this ask Hurt. it’s true - usually, it’s our family and friends that keep us going, that are the ones that we fight for and live for and love for. c!dream’s “family” was his reasoning behind ,, a lot of the stuff he did, good or bad, and even now you can hear his desperation in getting someone, anyone to visit sometimes, in wanting to know how people are doing outside the cell. 

at the same time, he’s a character very much defined by his solitude, by his isolation, by all of the time he has spent,, alone. by the alliances that had been broken, betrayed, forgotten. by how- at the end of the day - he sits for hours on end in an obsidian box with nothing but his thoughts to accompany him. it’s awfully ,, sad, despite everything he’s done. through it all, he’s alone. he survives the horrors of the vault (until this current arc) alone. nobody’s there to hear his thoughts. nobody knows his mindset, or feelings, or wants, or anything that really makes him human. for someone so driven by people, he spends so much time completely isolated - and it’s. honestly really, really tragic. 

anyway, this is a sad little drabble set pre-roommates arc abt c!dream in the prison, alone, bc he makes me Sad. 

tw: mentioned torture, abuse, violence, broken bones, blood, injuries, mental deterioration, isolation, panic attacks, self-deprecation, trauma, memory loss, death, contemplations of death, dark content, dark imagery

The blank book in his hand stares at him stubbornly, the stark white of the untouched pages nearly burning his eyes, used to the dark walls and floor of the cell. Dream’s hand shakes around his quill, ink splotches marring the pages from where his too-unsteady hand had let the nib brush against the paper and left freckles of black spots behind. He pulls his thumb back from the bottom left corner, hissing slightly when it leaves a dull red fingerprint behind, a smudge of half-dried blood further dirtying the paper.

He’d pulled out one of the books for some reason, probably on a whim, letting his hands run over the leather spine and along the thread of the binding absentmindedly after Quackity left for the day. He hadn’t touched them in a while - he liked to save them, at the beginning, just in case visitors came and he wanted to thank them or if he needed to communicate (though he hadn’t gone silent since Sapnap left, ‘cause Sapnap wanted him to talk and he doesn’t know why he still clings to that visit when it’s been months and he still hasn’t come back, but he promised that if Dream behaved he’d visit again and - it’s stupid to hope, but Dream can’t give up, not yet) and then he kept them because he would need them for the revive book and the Warden would confiscate them, anyway, so it was better not to get attached. Regardless, he’d stubbornly ignored the chest of books for a long time, let the remain closed and the clasp go unlatched as he wasted his days away watching the walls drip bright purple and pretend he didn’t miss his clock.

Until now.

He runs his fingers along the surface of the paper again, ignoring the red and black smudges they leave in their wakes, ruining the previously unblemished pages. The paper is smooth, bearing a very slight grain, and smells clean and woody - this book must’ve been a newer one the Warden replaced into the chest. He’d counted the pages a few times, front and back - there are fifty sheets, so a hundred pages to use as he sees fit, completely empty and untouched. The quill shakes in his hand, the tip pressed against the paper, unmoving.

What is there to write?

He’s forgotten why he pulled out the book in the first place, already - his head keeps getting fuzzier, memory impossibly fragmented and seemingly worsening with every passing day. He knows he had a reason because he’d been very determined about it, had spent what must have been hours dragging himself along the obsidian floor with a broken shinbone jutting out of his right leg and a dislocated left shoulder that he’d taken an extra few minutes to jam back in place by pressing it against the floor. Something had come into his head, probably in the middle of Quackity’s daily session, and he’d found himself desperate to write it down before he forgot despite the throbbing of his head and the pain in his chest making it impossible to take a full breath.

(He must have talked back, or acted defiant, or something - he doesn’t remember much besides the look Quackity had given him after, dark and angry and tight with rage. There had been a hand tangled in his hair, a blade jammed right up against his throat, curses and screams in his ears dying into a singular ringing echo as the blade was pushed deeper and deeper. It wasn’t until a few minutes later when Quackity realized that he’d gone too deep and that Dream was choking on his own blood - his memories shatter, and there’s nothing but more screaming, red and black and blood everywhere, warm against his skin, the sweet-sour taste of glistening melon on his tongue, a healing pot desperately stitching his skin together and bringing him back from the darkness that he’d swelled in the corners of his vision - mostly, he remembers everything going cold and numb and he’d realized, halfway into the Void, that he would never leave the Vault alive.)

His hands tighten on the book as he breathes a shallow, harsh breath through his teeth, because - oh. Oh. He looks back at the trembling white plume in his hand, at his shaking fingers clenched tightly near the end, and he swallows the thick, heavy feeling in his throat. Quackity had- and he had- and then-

Right.

He forces air into his lungs steadily, counting the seconds off in his head. He’d learned how to stave off panic attacks on his own ages ago, and the knowledge had come to full use in the Vault - the struggle to stay calm seems harder with every passing day, but he can’t exactly risk himself passing out every three seconds when he’s inevitably set off by the smell of blood or a twinge of pain or any of the million other triggers crammed into this tiny box that’s been the source of all of his torment for months. He keeps up the slow, steady breathing for another few minutes, just enough time to pull back the darkness creeping in from the edges of his vision, and looks back down at the blank paper.

It stares back at him, almost judgmental of his hesitancy. You opened me up, it seems to challenge him, why aren’t you writing? The quill still shakes in his hand. He doesn’t know if it’ll ever stop shaking again.

Dear, he begins, almost in defiance, proof that he Is Going To Write Something, thank you very much, he isn’t just going to chicken out and leave it a blank book (like you have before?) but the quill tip digs into the paper as he grinds to a sudden halt, the empty space next to the first word nearly taunting. He feels his mouth dry, heat rising behind his eyes - the book, silent and blank as ever, stays imprinted in his vision even as he squeezes them shut.

Dear, what a stupid, sentimental way to start a letter. He can’t even fool himself into thinking of it as a business venture, turn it into an elaborate plan to escape and address it to either Techno or Wilbur (who would never receive his message anyway), not without admitting his regard for the two edged past his pretense of professional interested and owed favors. He can hardly write it to Ranboo, not without compromising their already fragile alliance (if it even exists, anymore. The enderman hybrid had yet to visit for months - and sure, it was probably for the best, who knows how Quackity would react if he found out about the nature of their relationship, but that didn’t make it sting any less.)

In the back of his minds, name rise from where he’d kept them carefully buried despite his best efforts. Punz. Bad. Puffy. Sapnap. George. He shakes his head, trying to wave away them from his thoughts, but the effort is as fruitless as it has always been - he stares at the first word angrily, like it has betrayed him, and receives no response. The words are messy, shaking, his script overly looping and rounded like a child’s. He hates it, hates how cheery it looks, even on the bloodstained page - it looks like the beginning of a birthday card, or a perhaps a particularly dedicated Halloween party invite. Like he’s some sort of lovesick teen, writing letters to crushes that would never pay him a second glance. He laughed a little, without any real humor - minus the romance, that description isn’t all that far off.

Because- well. His memories might be shot to all hell, but he doubts he’ll ever forget the hatred on Sapnap’s face, a loaded crossbow pointed between his eyes, George’s expression set in disinterested apathy - “George, you can give the word.” Bad’s face, twisted in pity and resignation, voice carefully measured as he looks away and gestures at the cell, “you did do some pretty bad stuff to get put in here though, Dream,” the hidden “you deserve it” that he’d heard, just as clearly behind the words. Punz - “you should’ve paid me more” - jaw set stiffly as people poured through the portal, watching, wordless, as Dream bled out twice on that blackstone floor. Puffy, poorly hidden disgust flickering over her face as she looks away from him being dragged away in chains, sword held steady in her hands. Sapnap, that same fiercely determined expression on his face so familiar that thinking of it aches, even now, “it’s gonna be me, who takes your final life.” Months and months and months and months, alone.

Always, always, alone.

The page makes a quiet, complaining groan under his pen - he looks down to see it torn under the tip of his quill, the word completely unreadable under line after line of black ink scratched over it, each one deeper than the last. He stares blankly at it for a few minutes longer, the brief flash of anger that had seared through his body settling into numbness once more.

To whoever may find this: he scratches the words on the page slowly, keeping his print deliberately blocky and neat. The heavy feeling in his throat returns, stronger than ever, and he ignores it as he pushes on.

He pauses for a moment, wondering what more to write. Apologies? Accusations? He could detail every second that he remembers from Quackity’s visits, describe every inch of pain that had been pulled from his aching lungs, every line etched into his skin. He could apologize for every act of cruelty that had ever been caused by his hands, every bridge he’d ever torched to light the path to a better future. He could explain - everything, every tortured thought that had circled his head for hours on end and every night that had passed without any sleep and every time he’d pushed on without complaint or hesitancy because it would be worth it, even if he was the only one who saw it, it would be worth it because he’d sacrifice too much for it to be anything but. He could- he could, he could write and write until he’d filled every page of every book back and front, and would they even believe him? Would it even matter?

Goodbye, he writes at last. It feels strangely final. (He won’t be leaving this Vault alive. He knows this as surely as he knows that he will leave this world uncared for, unheard. As surely as he knows that he’ll always be alone.) With a quick snap of magic following the signing of his name, the book is preserved, shining slightly with a purple glow as he sets it back down in the chest. He looks around, the cell once again stiflingly quiet without the book to busy him, Dream once again completely alone as he’s been for - well.

(Pandas, eyebrows drawn in uncharacteristic seriousness from the usually painfully spirited eight-year-old, pinkie raised between the two of them, solemnity belied by the gap in his front teeth poking out between his lips.

“We’ll be together forever,” he whispered with the volume control you’d expect from a kid that age, which is to say that it wasn’t much of a whisper at all, but Dream, newly ten years old, remembers being particularly moved by the gesture anyway, moving to hesitantly hook his own pinkie in the other’s.

“And we’ll never be alone ever again,” he’d replied, voice faraway with a disbelieving sort of awe.”

“Never,” Pandas’ voice had been just as firm as his first statement, twisting his wrist to tighten the grip of their linked fingers further. “Best friends for ever and ever, right?”

“For ever and ever.”)

“For ever and ever,” he whispers, eyes fluttering shut as he slumps down against the floor, and only the lava bubbles in reply.

[compassionatereminders]

hi hi !! is it alright if i vent ? TT i’m quite exhausted keeping this to myself,, and i don’t want to tell my friends because i don’t want to be a burden to them,, thank you !!

last week, i went to a psychiatrist because i haven’t been feeling well. i have trouble focusing, i’m more forgetful than usual, and my sleep schedule is a mess. i wanted to get help because it’s affecting my studies and daily life. i suspected i had adhd bc i identified with the symptoms,, so i talked to the psychiatrist about that,, but while i was answering her questions i realized the problem was with my mother,, that i’ve been scared and anxious about her. i didn’t answer questions about her truthfully and only said half-truths because i was in denial about my mother,, and i felt like i was betraying her by labeling her as the cause of my problems.

after the session i wasn’t diagnosed with anything but they gave me a prescription for melatonin to help me sleep. after the session my mom called to ask about what happened in the session. she was very furious and mad. she said that i was just making all this in my head, and i was just doing it for attention. she didn’t buy me the melatonin but instead bought food for me “to stop being overdramatic”. after that day i began feeling very very scared and anxious. everytime she talks to me or when i hear her voice my heart starts palpitating, everytime i see her my chest tightens, everytime i’m in her presence i have trouble breathing and i feel like i’m choking. at first i tried to fight it,, tried my best to be affectionate and be back to normal,, but i couldn’t do it. whenever i tried to i felt like something bad was gonna happen and i felt like i was going to have a panic attack. so i locked myself in my room and spoke less. i didn’t want to cause more trouble by spontaneously having a panic attack. i feel guilty. i feel guilty and ashamed for feeling this way about my mother. she’s a single mom who’s working hard to take care of me and my brother, and she’s trying to be strong despite her toxic and unsupportive family. but at the same time i knew it was bound to happen. whenever i cry and tell her what’s bothering me she always says that i’m being overdramatic and that everyone has problems. she never was there to comfort me, instead she was the one to made me feel worse about myself. that whatever i’m feeling is not real. yesterday morning she finally got fed up with me locking myself up in my room and being quiet and she yelled and screamed at me, again saying that i’m being overdramatic. that i’m making things harder for her. after she went to work i had wave after wave of anxiety attacks. she came home crying, because she was upset over the whole situation. and now we aren’t talking.

i don’t know what’s going on anymore. i can’t tell if i’m right or wrong in the situation. or am i fabricating what i feel for attention. it’s so blurry that i can’t tell the lines anymore and it’s giving me a headache. but i’m not faking it, right? i wouldn’t give her more problems, i don’t want her to feel more burdened. i love her so so much. maybe i was wrong. maybe it was selfish of me to ask for help from a psychiatrist because it would make her feel like she wasn’t enough as a mother.

i want to go to her and apologize, but i’m scared that i might have another panic attack. i don’t know what to do,, what do you think i should do ?

i’m sorry for this being so long T^T and for trauma-dumping. but i saw how comforting and understanding u were to peoples’ concerns and i wanted that too,,, thank you so much for reading this until the end TT you are an angel,, truly. i hope you have a nice day and all your meals are delicious !! <33

- 🐧

If you were faking your problems you'd know. Faking requires active intent and effort, so if you were actually faking all of this you'd be fully aware of it. Instead, it sounds like your mom is attacking and invalidating you to the point of emotional abuse - and I'm so very sorry that you have to deal with that on top of everything else. It is very likely that your mom's behavior towards you has triggered or worsened your mental health issues - and I encourage you to keep seeking out treatment even though she disapproves and to be honest with your psych about what's going on at home. Not being able to deal with emotional abuse doesn't make you a bad child - and no matter what your mom has been through in the past, it doesn't justify hurting you.

[fairycosmos]

i hate grief bc i've wanted to die my whole life and thinking about the person i lost never wanted to make me stay but now that they are the ones who died i'm angry as fuck every day and feel trapped but i know that if it had been me the one to die it would have been ok and i wouldnt even have worried about it/hurting ppl with my death. like every day i do H and get drunk and i dont care about dying you know? but i lost someone and it makes me angry that THEY didnt care. do you get what i mean?

i am really really sorry for your loss. yeah. i know what you mean, at least to an extent. everyone’s grief and suffering is unique to them and the relationship they had with the one who passed, but i can relate so much to being trapped and mad and out of my mind. i think a lot of people can. it seems like so many of us are walking around half disillusioned by this existence and half completely done with it because of the shit we’ve been through. every day i feel a form of anger (most of the time it is cold and numbing) when i think about how my sister died. i have gone round and round in my head about why she did the things she did. because even if it wasn’t fully preventable, it wasn’t cancer or a car crash or anything like that. when i found out what she had in her system. god. i can not explain to you what that moment was like. it fucking choked me. all i remember is i felt my heart beating somewhere in my head, and i was PISSED. i thought i was going to pass out. because it’s like you said - she didn’t care, and that was almost like proof. she went to sleep thinking nothing of anything. mindless. after weeks of lecturing her, after her constant presence in my life, all that time. after years of her fucking around w other drugs and finally finding stability only to slip for less than a month bc of some fucking man, only to lose her entire life to a mistake - it’s inexplicable. i can sit here and write to you about it but i still cant’t fathom it. how she didn’t give a fuck, or she couldn’t see the situation clearly enough to. and now i’m living this forever without her. now i have to take care of my mother alone. now i’ve lost my best friend. and she lost everything. she was a whole person, she would’ve had years left and she deserved to. and the only reason she didn’t is because she couldn’t fuckin accept how much she was worth, how much life was worth so she gambled w death. what i’m saying is i understand that in a way, maybe a selfish way, i don’t know -  it almost feels mocking. because we’ll never know if they realize what they’ve done. after she died that’s all i could repeat out loud in the shower. i kept saying: you don’t know what you’ve done. idiot, stupid girl. shit like that. every time i tried to talk to her, it was a lecture. so yeah. it is very very normal to be pissed off and bitter dude. it is not easy or fair to be left behind. it’s all a normal part of grief. losing it entirely is the whole thing because honestly what else can you do.

i could be wrong but. unfortunately i think all of these emotions, in the context of you, stem from the fact that it is easier to care for others than it is to care about yourself. you’re not bothered about yourself dying because you don’t have the same love for yourself that you had for the one who passed. you don’t see yourself as important in that way. i don’t know what happened to make you feel like that. maybe whatever it was lead you to use drugs n alcohol to escape in the first place. maybe you think you not mattering is some sort of universal truth, but it’s not. it’s a belief you constructed either out of pain or as a trauma response that you’ve clung onto so much that you’ve convinced yourself it’s reality. it’s clear you’re going through an insurmountably difficult time, and i know words on a screen aren’t going to change that. i wont pretend to get it first hand. i just want you to know that the same way you wish your friend had realized the worth in their life before it was too late, that same anger born from frustration and sadness - that’s how a lot of people likely feel about you. and i know you don’t care about hurting them w your death because you don’t care about anything. your friend didn’t care, why should you, right? but that’s how the cycle perpetuates. and you’re the one who has to live with this all now, stuck here or not. try to periodically and consciously recognize how fucked up and permanent grief is. you don’t want to be the one to cause it. not really. not when you can see it for what it is and you have the option to prevent it. you are here no matter how much you wish not to be. you do deserve to find substantial peace, stability and good health while you still can. that’s non negotiable. even if it takes a fucking life time getting there.

i completely understand that it is all far easier said than done. that you have to be the one who is willing to reach out for help and to really stick w a plan but. i guess i just hope you know that the option will always be waiting for you when you are willing to seek it out. whether it’s through a hotline, rehab, your doctor, your friends and family, 2 hours without using or drinking. any step in the right direction is commendable. you are absolutely more resilient than you realize. more in general than you realize. you’ve had to deal with so much, just the most unimaginable things, and you’re still here. i know that’s because you feel you have no real choice in the matter, back to being trapped here. but nonetheless you’re making it. you can learn to treat yourself w the same regard that you treated your friend. you can learn to care about what happens to you. you can slowly make a home out of what you currently see as a jail.  through talking, through implementing healthier coping mechanisms into your daily life, through building a support system, through confronting and processing how much it hurts, through finding the clarity that comes with progress. all the things your brain wants you to write off. addiction and mental illness are genuine health concerns that require long lasting therapy and treatment just like any other ailment. and maybe the point is to learn to live with them, rather than to cure them entirely. but they are not a death sentence (and that is a good thing), and they are not the entirety of you. you are just currently very overwhelmed by them, understandably so.  excuse me if this is all sounds like naïve bullshit, but maybe some day you will be able to take some of it on board if you can’t right now. anyway, it sounds cliche as fuck, but every day that you’re alive you’re keeping your friend’s influence on this world alive too. you were shaped by them, in more ways than you realize. and they’re here in more ways than we realize too. not necessarily ghosts, at least imo. but just around. and in your head, in the universe. i am rooting for you so much and i hope you can accept that even if it all feels like lies, it’s ok to treat yourself w kindness. any attempt is good enough. sending a lot of love your way. please take care of yourself as much as possible. please consider your needs and your well being while you still have the choice to. sorry to go all 90s drug prevention ad on you btw, but u know me. i’m incapable of shutting up and minding my business abt this sort of thing lol

[coridallasmultipass]

Vent / personal / tmi / menstruation / endometriosis / long post ... Im so fucking sick of healthcare professionals telling me to just wait it out and pushing my problems onto other doctors I just got my 5th shot of lupron and have 1 more next month. On my appointment last week i told the gyn how ive been having much more cramping and tissue but not blood coming out regularly and he said its possible the combined lupron and norethindrone are making my uterine lining too thin, and to stop the norethindrone (it was being prescribed to help any menopause-like side effects the lupron can have) And less than 24 hours after my first missed dose i get a full blown period complete with extreme mood swings and depression Im not bleeding this week but im still cramping and the mood swings are so fucking bad, being chronically ill and not getting enough relief from any of my medications is making all of this worse but im literally breaking down over any little thing The lupron and norethindrone combined i guess have been suppressing all my emotions bc this is what it was like on the daily before i started it (just not as bad) which is telling me that none of my psych meds are working but whatever I just now got off the phone with my psych and he said he doesnt want to do anything with my meds or dosing bc he says its related to hormones and thats what my gyn needs to address and i Need To Wait im fucking sick of waiting i cant do this ive been waiting since last august!!!!!!! I now have to wait 2 more whole months of mood swings until i can have another appointment with him hes refused to actually screen me for adhd too and says its bc im An Artist type that im not able to sit down and draw anything since last fall like i fucking hate him and he never gets my name or pronouns right and i cant go see a new psych bc of all the closures and i dont wanna call my gyn bc he said if things get worse i need to have a pelvic ultrasound done again and i cant do it!!! I fucking cant do it it hurts too much im too traumatized from depoprovera and mirena that i cant even touch myself without extreme dysphoria and fear that im going to cramp Its killing me that as someone who was so personally sexual to completely be traumatized from the road to an endometriosis diagnosis that i can no longer masturbate or even talk about sex without anxiety and being trans on top of it hurts even more Next gyn appt is my last injection of lupron and im really gonna push to plan for a partial hysterectomy (i only had endo cysts on the back of my uterus but it was 100% confirmed with surgery and biopsy) so i hope it will help so i can stop taking all these fucking hormonal medications like Before being diagnosed i was really planning on going on testosterone but now im too scared because i feel like it would really fuck up my health problems more - mentally and physically Ive given up on passing and am trying to focus on body acceptance especially now that ove had rapid weight gain that isnt being addressed by any of ky doctors i bring it up to God im just trying to vent here but seriously Do not take the diagnosis of endometriosis lightly its super serious to go forth with any treatments and you really have to commit to long term treatments and its a gamble either way For me not starting any treatments was unacceptable i needed help with extreme monthly periods and all forms of birth control ive tried exacerbated symptoms and never stopped bleeding - i literally cannot personally recommend any form of medical birth control bc every one has fucked me over, many different pills at different points in my life, shot (depoprovera gave me debilitating cramps and i bled non stop all 3 months which started this whole journey to diagnosis), iud (iud was the worst i had to go to the er bc the gyn refused to give me pain meds and i was screaming in pain a few hours later unBle to move or think - i really cannot stress enough how painful and long insertion is like it was the longest 5-10 minutes of my life crying while it felt like a knife going through me) I really dont want that ultrasound tho ffs i had to get the first one done while i was in full force cramps during my depoprovera shot and the pelvic ultrasound rod is humongous and they dig it around inside you (i already had a painful and hard time trying to have pleasurable penetration even by myself or with partners) and it takes like 40 minutes of jumbling around your insides for them to document every thing like at least at that time i was only like 2 months from my last time jerking off but now its been almost 6 months of me not even thinking about putting more than one finger in to clean myself in the shower like to go right into an huge ultrasound is going to be so painful and anxiety inducing and i cant do it id rather go straight into surgery My biggest phobias have to do with pain around this part of my anatomy i cannot stress enough how long ive wanted a hysterectomy just so i dont have to fear accidentally getting p r e g... like i would literally kms... i would probably be able to handle the pain of cutting off my arm with a rusty knife better than extreme cramping pain like i had with the iud or ultrasound its such a phobia and now its source of trauma for me from everything ive gone through the last 6 months Having to readjust my life goals from doing p o r n as a hobby and wanting to transition and be who i am, to becoming a vegetable and trying to cope with the fact that i cant ever transition how i hoped Everything just really sucks for me right now and i have literally no social life any more, not even online bc im so stressed about my health and my attention is so bad i cant focus on a convo online, my laptop is about at its grave so all i have is a phone and xbox with bare minimum internet speed.. i live in the middle of nowhere and cant get my license bc the person who was guiding me to drive is an essential worker in a hospital so i cant go in their car any more... im just so fucking alone i cant do anything except break my back gardening and then cry about it later bc my fucking meds dont fucking work!!!!!!!!! Oh thats another thing im also dealing with fucking gerd on top of all this and i cant get the proceedure i need done to confirm if i need surgery or not bc the fucking lockdown!!!! So im stuck taking pantoprazole (been trying similar meds since march 2019 and its currently june 2020!!!!!!) I just want to eat tomatoes and chocolate again it fucking kills me if i dont take pantoprazole i will lose my voice and have such a sore throat and ears from the stomach acid and i know im gonna have to stop it for 2 weeks for one of the tests i need done and its going to be literal hell like it feels worse than strep throat ill probably do the thing where i start choking and coughing at night bc it gets so bad Im a fucking mess like why couldnt all of this happen one at a time I really want to get my belly pierced again bc i feel so naked without it but i cant bc i probably will be having 2 surgeries once covid blows over (if it ever does) Sorry for taking up so much dash space im just really hurting and need some outlet bc therapy isnt helping rn