#bc this place is my unhealthy venting dumping ground

[xamaxenta]

Thinking about someone i blocked that bothered me for about two monthsish last year bc they kept messsging me underhanded or backhanded comments abt literally anything i did on this site, specifically they liked to attack my lack of understanding of the basics of art and that i clearly didnt study the classics enough (??? What are those? This is subjective?) and i wonder if they’re happier this year i gotta commend them for not doing this behind anon, ballsy tbh but unwarranted

[silkthreaded-blog]

[21/09/2016 18:52:47] vicky: alright, lauren; seeing as you softblocked me on twitter, i’m taking this as my invitation to dump this all on you.

i’m annoyed, i’m upset, and i’m pissed off.

i’m sure pam already told you exactly what i said, because i asked her to, but i’m going to go ahead and explain everything to you and give you my feelings on everything. i’m blocking you everywhere after i send this, so don’t even bother trying to respond to me or trying to contact me, not even through our mutual friends. don’t take this outside of anyone who already knows about it either, because i’m not opening my mouth about this except to my small group of friends that know (bc i need to vent, and i’d imagine you do too), so i’d appreciate it if you kept this private. because if not, i will gaslight you for violating my privacy, i’m not going to tolerate this from anyone anymore, not after anja. this isn’t a negotiation or a confrontation, this is just me giving you information that i want you to know and i’m leaving it at that. for the longest time, i’ve had a bad opinion of you, and when we talked it out i thought we had the opportunity to build a friendship on top of that. but i guess you didn’t think so, and you were being nice to me simply for the sake of being nice rather than any desire to get to know me. and from what you’ve seen, you don’t really like me; not to say you ever said this (but i wouldn’t care if you really did not like me, you could’ve said so instead of wasting my time), but you said that we would never get along which pretty much made the implication. but, i’m not here to put words into your mouth. i’m saying this because i wanted to find a solution for all parties involved, and you refused it. i’m going to explain to you why that made me very, very angry; we’re at a level where i’m never going to forgive you for this, and i have no hope in the future for any sort of even neutral relationship. you’ve wronged me severely in the past and i was willing to let that go in order to forgive you, and every time we tried to work out those issues, it felt like i was the one who had to apologize. i was in a bad place mentally when that entire wankfest first happened, but i was TRYING to get better, and having my entire friend group sit on my back and demonize meand make me out to be a horrible person didn’t help. i was suicidal and i did NOTHING to any of you, but every time i went to fix the problem, it was always ME having to apologize. you all wronged me, and i forgave everyone in the end after i got the help i needed. when we recently talked over anja, you fully had my forgiveness, and i thought we could potentially be friends. i’m spacy and i have a problem with forgetting to message people; just because i didn’t frequently talk to you didn’t mean i disliked you. but now, i’m not interested in any further contact BECAUSE i’m extremely angry about this entire thing, so now it’s safe to make that assumption.

i agree, lauren. we don’t get along, but i didn’t want that to be the case. every time i think we find an even ground, somehow i still get cheated out of something, and i’m tired of it. i’m not going to continue to be silent about this, considering you already know about it anyway.

pam was my best friend, i was hers, and you knew that. everyone in the group knew that we were inseparable. before it was the group with amy and beth and everyone else, it was me and pam. that group thing made our friendship suffer because pam contributed to that nasty mob mentality, but she apologized for it and felt horrible because I WAS HER BEST FRIEND and she knew she wronged someone who meant so much to her. when i dropped everyone to deal with my issues, you stepped in and you essentially took my place. there’s no other way i could possibly word this, you literally replaced me. and i got depressed over it. pam said that you didn’t replace me, but i’m not an idiot. the frequent skype calls and chatting? all the matching blogs? the matching twitters? hm.

i went to pam and i expressed that i wanted her to make more time for me -- i’m positive she relayed all of my feelings on the matter to you, but i’m going to explain everything to you myself, so there are no misunderstandings. i said that i was jealous. i said that the matching stuff constantly in my face reminded me of the friendship i used to have with her, and it upset me realizing that we didn’t have that anymore. i don’t know if you’re aware lauren, but pam and i used to call with each other literally every day. she messaged me every morning when i got ready for school and she called me immediately when i got home. every day. and we called every day on the weekends. i was the person who helped her settle out her sexuality and romantic preferences, i helped her with her mom. i helped her with gabe, i was there for all of it in the beginning. i was her best friend. i explained to pam that i missed having this relationship, and i wanted it back. HOWEVER, i explained that i wasn’t interested in casting you out/pushing you aside, and i wanted to try to do a trio thing so no one felt left out and so we can grow more comfortable around each other/get to know each other, and also have a skype call to discuss everything, and pam agreed with the idea. you didn’t. you didn’t even want to. the only thing you agreed to was the three-way call, but let me tell you why i refused to do it after you told me no. why in the everliving fuck would i want to have a call with you and talk about my feelings of replacement and inadequacy if there was no benefit? what would telling you my feelings do to help me? because as far as i know, you would continue to behave the same after the fact and so would pam, so i didn’t see the point in wanting to waste my time. not to mention, hearing that you said no to the friend idea because we ‘don’t get along’ really ground my gears in more ways than i could possibly describe, because i really thought we could’ve turned our entire relationship around. in an instant, you proved me wrong, and you made me realize that i have no reason to even try to like you because you obviously feel similarly in that department when it comes to me. [21/09/2016 18:52:50] vicky: you said that you were afraid i would replace you, according to what pam told me, and that is where i lead into my second to last point: you feeling like i’m a threat is not fair to me. period. you have no right to say that you’re afraid i’m going to replace you when i was expressing my sadness in the fact that you had replaced me. i think that’s what made me the most angry. in the context of the situation, i felt replaced and to hear that you’re afraid i’ll replace you really made my blood boil. it felt like you replaced me, and when i told pam about this entire problem, i said that i DIDN’T want to push you out (i shouldn’t have been a threat to you), so you having that fear and/or anxiety really pisses me the fuck off. pam told me that she loves us all equally, but i explained to her that it didn’t look like that from an outside perspective, and it definitely didn’t feel like that. and you saying that you were afraid i would replace you was the icing on the cake for me. I FEEL REPLACED BY YOU. I FEEL LIKE I LOST MY BEST FRIEND BECAUSE OF YOU. and i’m allowed to be angry about it. i would say that you’re also allowed to have those feelings if i didn’t already tell pam that i wasn’t interested in making you feel left out. i’m not an asshole, i was never going to take her away from you, but thanks for having that fear, because it made me feel like shit when pam told me.

now, i’m onto my last point. i’m speaking about this one without my personal emotions, whether or not you’d like to believe that; but, your relationship with pam is extremely unhealthy. without revealing too much information, even hinnie was worried about your unhealthy attachment to pam. i was worried about your unhealthy attachment to pam; at least three other people besides us were concerned about it. it’s one thing for me to be jealous and to just say this, but it’s another for people to bring it up on their own to me without me having to even say it first to prompt it out of them. every person who told me this told me completely unprompted, they mentioned it when i explained this entire situation to them. i told pam that she should tell you herself, but that if she didn’t, i would. so here i am. when i talked to pam about this, i told her that she needed to learn how to spend her time without feeling like she needs to cater to people, and that you need to learn how to spend your time on your own. your level of dependency on pam is unhealthy and it’s not working for you, pam, or everyone else around you. as a result of this codependency, pam is taking a longer time growing and developing (she’s turning 17 soon, she NEEDS this time to herself most importantly) and you don’t know what to do when she’s not around. you have a lot of things going on that you need to deal with; maybe you ARE dealing with them, i don’t know, but lauren, you need help. not just a friend, but you need to work on finding a way to cope with your mental illness without the presence of a friend. pam’s getting busy with school and she’s getting stressed out, she shouldn’t be spending every second of every day trying to communicate with you because her life comes first, and you need to respect that. before you call my hypocritical because i used to talk to pam everyday, that’s different. her workload was not the same back then, and even then i encouraged she did her work. she’s a high school junior now, she literally can’t afford to be slacking during this year because it’s the hardest + it’s the year that counts. and when she’s NOT available for whatever reason, you need to learn how to redirect your attention instead of relying on other people. it’s fine to have friends, but you need to reconsider whether or not you should use them as crutches when they have their own lives to figure out still. i’m not talking about my jealousy, bc even after i calmed down about this entire thing, i still believed it: your codependency with pam is unhealthy and you need to figure out how to deal with it in a way that improves your mental health. i’ve expressed my discomfort about this and my concern to pam, and if pam really does care about your wellbeing, she’ll work on this too for the greater good. because i sure as hell won’t stop bringing it up when i feel i need to.

anyway, long story short, this is where i stand on the matter. i’m going to work on what i need to do to improve my happiness. if i need to drop pam for it, then so be it, but i don’t really want to. and i shouldn’t have to because someone got anxious about me replacing them when i said i never would. actually, i shouldn’t have to drop pam, period. if you respect me even a little, you should be considerate of my feelings and work on yourself + try to leave some wiggle room for me as well. when i said i didn’t want to replace you, that was me being considerate of your feelings. the part of me that still held a good opinion of you would’ve hoped for the same thing.

sorry for dumping this on you, and if this caused any kind of panic attack, i’m sorry. i genuinely am. but i’m not going to keep my mouth shut about this anymore; i’m taking action, and you need to be prepared for it.