#bc they can't handle the thought of having to deal with YET ANOTHER

[arreuyas]

HOW MUCH? | Toji X Male! Reader

*⁠.⁠✧ In which he was paid to kill you but you offer him to get fucked instead.

warnings: sub!toji, degradation, edging, spanking/slapping, choking, bratty toji, cursing, toji is a bit out of character tbh, zenin bc he doesn't have megumi and his wife here.

wordcount: 1.8k

—

TOJI ZENIN, the sorcerer killer, doesn't do any extra work for free. But it's not against his rules to accept a request from a client who is a sorcerer. He doesn't question his client's motives or what they are after all, what matters it the good ol' money.

That's why, when he had a gun aimed at your head and you smirked instead of trying to doge or counter-attack like most sorcerers would do, he raised an eyebrow until the words left your lips: “How much for getting laid by me? I'll pay double of what you're going to get.”

Of course, betraying his clients is one thing that he doesn't do. So yes, he did shoot you, pissed off that those were your last words— or were supposed to be, since the bullet didn't get through your head at all. His eyes widened when you appeared in front of him, hands in your pockets and eyes of someone who wasn't planning to fight him.

“C'mon, don't be like that~” you smiled, your sneaky hand going to his waist and bringing him closer. At this point Toji was so dumbfounded that he took some time to understand what was happening. It was the first time his target flirted with him so blatantly, after all. “How about three times the price, then? Three times the amount and you let me fuck you once.”

Three times the price of your head... it was big money, and it certainly catched his interest. It's not like Toji minded sleeping with men after all, the problem was betraying his client. “And an extra so you can kill whoever it was who asked for my head.”

Alright, that was enough to convince a money-hungry like Toji. He lowered his gun, still a but uncertain about the deal but fuck it, he would think about the consequences later. You smirked with that reaction from the non-sorcerer.

That's how you two ended up in a hotel room, Toji sitting down on your lap, straddling with that big ass of his. You already had a prominent bulge on your pants as the Zenin rubbing his covered rear and dick against your thigh, letting out some grunts between his heavy breaths from time to time.

Fucking humiliating. It was what Toji thought. He was literally acting like a whore— moving himself on top of you for some money. Well, at least the money was way higher than what a whore would get, but still...

“Damnit, stop fucking teasing me.” He protested when you started pinching his exposed nipples, another grunt coming from him as his body trembled. That bulky man wasn't used to having anyone touching him like that, he usually was the one who held the reins in bed.

“What, can't handle a bit of teasing, sorcerer killer?” You chuckled, rubbing the wet spot on his boxers, the pre-cum leaking out his tip already.

“Can't you just fuck me already–” You stopped his words with a rough spank on his ass, making him shut up with a groan. One of his hands instinctively moving to hold your shoulder.

“Shut up, slut.” You hissed, taking him off your lap and throwing him in bed. Then you unbuckled your belt, glaring down at him. “Take off your pants and spread your legs for me.”

Toji was about to complain but instead he rolled his eyes and obliged the command, getting himself naked. Yet, he didn't spread his legs, receiving a sigh from you. You got on top of the bed, your hand moving to his neck before he could react and gripping tightly on it, chocking him just slightly.

“When I tell you to do something, you do it. Understand?” You gripped tighter on his neck but Toji kept glaring at you, a hand on your wrist threatening to break your arm. “Unless you want to forget about the money and fight me instead. And believe me when I tell you I'm going to make you fight while being naked.”

He let go with a groan, and you let his neck free again— a reddish mark of your digits on the skin of his neck and you liked it. When you looked down, Toji's dick was twitching and more precum was leaking from it, then you chuckled with a raised eyebrow. “Oh? Someone likes getting choked and degraded? Such a whore.”

You grabbed a lube from the bedside table, pouring the liquid on your fingers and some on Toji's rear, then watching it go down to the entrance of his ass, his naughty hole blinking. You didn't wait much though, there was no reason to be gentle with him— and you knew that Toji would prefer that way, too. So you immediately inserted two fingers inside, already moving them to loosen him up. Toji grunted, biting his lower lip with his eyebrows furrowed before you added a third finger.

The Zenin had such a nice body, it almost looked like a sin— as if he was begging to be fucked. After all, what's the use of having such thick thighs and such a sexy ass if not for fucking them? You glanced down at him while playing with his hole, fingering him and teasing his prostate, your other hand stroking your cock slowly.

“Enough of foreplay. Spread your hole for me.” You said, watching him click his tongue in annoyance but still doing as you told. You held one of his legs on top of your shoulder. “And stop rolling your eyes or clicking your tongue every time I tell you to do something, it's getting me soft.”

Toji scoffed.

“Ha. Then maybe you're not a real man if a roll of eyes is enough to—” He couldn't finish his sentence as you thrusted your cock inside, invading his hole in one swift move. He gasped, his hands letting go from his ass to grab a handful of the sheets as he glared at you like he wanted to kill you.

You smirked down at him with a mocking gaze. “What were you saying about real man again? I don't think I heard you.” You teased, pulling your cock halfway out before slamming it back inside, the Zenin letting out a grunt. You moved your free hand to pinch his nipple, pulling on it.

“You bastard...” He muttered as you stopped your hips for a moment, leaning down to his chest. Your tongue licked and sucked his right nipple then your teeth sunk down for a bite, Toji flinched and groaned from pain mixed with pleasure. “The hell are you doing–”

“Taming you.” You cut him off with a sadistic smile. Toji wanted to make that smile of yours disappear because he was starting to like it more than he should. “From now on, every single time you complain or call me anything that isn't master you're going to be punished.”

You chuckled, pulling your cock out almost completely and slamming it back in, moving in slow thrusts. “Understand?”

You spanked his ass again, a silent warning for him to answer. The non-sorcerer groaned, biting his lip in both annoyance and pleasure. “Yes...” He took a second to continue: “...Master.”

“See? It's not that hard to stop being such a brat.” You said, starting to fasten the pace of your thrusts. Who the hell are you calling a brat? Toji wanted to shout, but didn't. Your veiny, fat cock was filling his insides and the tip pressing against his prostate was making Toji flinch every time you aimed at that spot. He was starting to actually moan too, instead of only letting out those grunts and heavy breaths of his.

The moment you grabbed his dick and starting stroking it he whimpered, one of his hands grabbing the sheets as the other was behind him, grasping the pillow. He felt himself getting closer and closer to the edge as you moved back and forth, his eyes rolling to the back of his head. “Faster— Ugh, I'm close...”

But then you stopped moving your hips, pressing your thumb against the tip of his cock. The Zenin's eyes immediately moved to you, his eyebrows furrowing in annoyance and confusion. “What are you doing? I said I'm close to cumming.”

“I heard what you said,” you chuckled, slamming your cock inside one more time then stopping. “You're going to beg for if you want to cum. Or else we're staying like this for the rest of the evening.”

“Beg? Me? Ha. In your dreams–” Slap! Toji's eyes widened when he felt the hit against his cheek, his teeth gritting in anger as he glared at you, his mouth already opening to protest when you raised your hand again, now spanking his ass instead. “Fuck, cut it out!”

“Beg.” You repeated, your thumb making small circles on the tip of his hard cock, smearing the precum as his body squirmed under your touch. Toji knew he was at his breaking point and being unable to orgasm didn't hurt yet, but it was certainly uncomfortable.

“Damnit... Please, let me cum.” He muttered, glancing away with a frown. You raised an eyebrow with a chuckle, shaking your head in response. Another spank on his ass, Toji letting out a low moan.

“Beg like you mean it, non-sorcerer.” You said in a seductive whisper, your tongue sticking out from your lips to lick his neck up to his jaw.

“Please!” He said, thrusting his hips up against your touch, searching for his high only to be stopped by your hands keeping him still. The Zenin was physically stronger than you, and he knew that. But maybe because he was too horny he couldn't react very well or even think about fighting back and dominate you instead.

“Not enough.” You said, threatening to pull your dick out from him but his legs instinctively wrapped around your waist, pulling you back inside. You hummed in amusement, not expecting that from him. “So?”

“Please...” he repeated, then added: “Master. Keep fucking my guts until I cum.” You noticed how Toji couldn't keep glaring at you. He was embarrassed, and you found that cute. It was so unlike Toji to act so submissive like that from the little bit of time you talked with him.

“You still have a lot to learn... but for now I'll let it pass.” It was weird how you talked as if this wouldn't be the first and last time you two slept together. But Toji didn't have much time to react, as you finally started moving again, your cock inside him and your hand moving tightly and fast around his shaft.

“Fuck! Yes– Harder!” He moaned out loud and it only took a few more thrusts and strokes for him to shoot his cum, his back arching and his eyes rolling to the back of his head as his legs trembled around you. His seed dirtied his abdomen and his hole clenched against your cock tightly, almost not letting you move.

It was such a sexy sight. You also didn't endure much after that, cumming right after him. Your load being pumped deep inside the Zenin as you let out a grunt, biting your lower lip with a smirk.

After some seconds and when the ecstasy broke down, Toji switched back to his cold mode almost immediately, looking at you. “About the money– What–” His eyes widened when you thrusted against him again, a involuntary whimper leaving his lips. You were still hard.

“Oh? I don't remember saying we were done. How much for a round two?”

—

©2023 hanfobia do not repost, modify, dist. or translate.

[miguel-owhora]

Lowkey we need more Bill Williamson content… 🙏

CW—sub!bill , big boy appreciation , mutual masturbation , frottage? i think idk im too lazy 2 check, implied established relationship , no beta we die like sean

hnmghfjfjffj. honestly ooc bill but only bc idk how to write him that well (yet) anyways just a small drabble

"Come on, Bill, you can handle another round, can't you?" You mutter into the crook of his neck, inhaling his scent, his musk, how his beard tickled your face. You have him pinned against a bed of grass, no doubt flattened by his mutual weight. There's a certain appreciation of having another big man as your partner; a big, strong man who can handle your weight, who won't be easily crushed.

You're straddling his lap, his waist, whatever, your meaty thighs squeezing him on both sides. You have both your pants pulled down, cocks grasped between your hand as you pumped them with your fist, cocks jutting together with every jerk of your hips and every twitch of Bill's.

Bill who groans underneath you, flustered across the face, panting into the cool air that night often brings. It's one of the only times you're both allowed to sneak away from camp, to indulge in each other without having to disturb anyone from your less than lawful activities. Not that anyone cares—well, at the end of the day, that is. There's more to worrying about than who their gangmates are sleeping with.

A sharp inhale from Bill snaps you from your thoughts. You glance down, refocusing on him when you realize your fingers have been rubbing over his swollen cockhead, playing with his slit, no doubt driving his sensitivity up the walls.

While Bill doesn't say anything, he gives you a pleading look, not wanting to admit how sensitive he is. Your fingers slip from his cockhead, flattening your palms on his belly and kneading it the way you've seen stray cats do. Instead, you lean down and kiss him.

"Sorry," You mutter against his lips, knowing your apology gets accepted when he kisses you back. You feel his hands lay on your back; heavy, large, you know how they feel squeezing and fondling you all over.

"You think you can go another round, boy?" You ask, once you pull away, muttering against his lips. You give him the option to tap out, to end this. It takes the other man a moment but he nods, and with slight embarrassment, says,

"Can you jus'-" He clears his throat, bashful, embarrassed, but you preen at his willingness to push through and tell you what he wants. "-go... slow?"

"Course, course, of course, boy," You hum, kissing him again, just to seal the deal. Bill kisses you back, more eagerly this time, and you kiss him harder to swallow the small gasp when your hand wraps around his cock again.

[viktoriaashleyyx]

This is a pro Tamlin, anti Rhysand self insert revenge fic. All characters belong to SJM, but she wasn't treating them right. Tam x reader, Tam x Rhysands Sister (OC), First person narrative. This will also reference Elucien and Neris in the future but we aren't there yet. Contains slight violence, poisons, broken bones. Also profanity. I'm not sure what else to tw if I miss something let me know. This is my first fic. I honestly don't know how to find word count, but it's roughly 4 pages on word docs. Criticism welcome. Rhysands Sister is back and she's pissed. Rhysand gets his ass whooped and Tamlin gets shown love. Enjoy.

Ch 2. Ch3 Ch4 Ch5 Ch6 Ch7 Ch8 Ch9 Ch10

Tarquin BC

Chapter 1:

I crash landed on a stone surface. A balcony of sorts? It was well built if it was, considering how long I've been falling, I'm shocked I didn't crash right through it. I know now that making a deal with the gods is a lot like making a deal with a damn djin. 

“Who goes there??” A booming male voice barked. I could hear swords drawn. Fuck where am I? My ears were still ringing, vision blurred, and chest heavy from the impact. I blinked my eyes open to find a winged male looming over me. Another illyrian? Have I finally made it home? Fuck, then that means I am in the night court. Damnit, 7 fucking courts in Prythia and I just happen to land here. At my brother's court. 

This ones expression shifted from threatening to complete shock as his gaze landed on my eyes. “Sky?” 

At my brother's court and at his fucking house, Freya has a sick sense of humor. I slowly sat up, ignoring the hand the illyrian extended to me. 

“Your wing!” He gasped. So thats what that throbbing pain was. My wing seemed to have been snapped in the fall. “You need a healer, go get Madja” he commanded the other brute. 

“Don't bother” I dismissed, standing up slowly. I pulled a small glass vial out of my pocket, a healing potion, I always kept a few on hand, never know when you're gonna need it. I downed the bitter red liquid as I've done a thousand times and grabbed the dagger off my hip. I put the handle in my mouth and bit down on it as I grabbed my own wing and straightened out the bone. I held it right for about a minute until the potion worked its magic. It hurt like crazy but I was careful not to show these idiots, the fear and shock on their faces was satisfying if I am being honest. 

“I'm guessing you are Azriel and Cassian, though I can't tell which is which” I admitted, trying to seem just polite enough to leave. 

The one next to me spoke first “I'm Azriel, he's Cassian” okay, Azriel short hair, Cassian long hair “this is Mor and Amren and she is Feyre, High Lady of the Night Court” 

“So my brother is dead?” I had hoped my excitement would come off as concern. 

“No, no, they rule together, as equals” Cassian spoke

“Got it” this conversation is dragging. I need to leave. 

“It's so nice to meet Rhysands sister, we thought you were dead, I'd heard so much about you” Feyre gushed, “Rhys is out on important business at the moment but he should be back soon.” I had no use or interest in this small talk. 

“How old are you?” I looked at her as if to study the young thing in front of me. I was never good at pleasantries. I spent a good while in isolation and I tend to just blurt out the questions on my mind. 

“I am 21” Feyre replied sharply, yep I angered her with my lack of class. 

“Ew, 21 years? Ugh, my brother always did like them unreasonably young.” I'm just gonna keep going with it, hopefully she'll throw me out. 

“My age is not a disability” Feyre snapped. 

“It's adorable that you think that.” I'm in too deep. Oops. “Anyway, I am sorry I crashed into your home, I had little control, but I would like to leave now.” 

“You will apologize and bow to your high lady.” Cassian growled. Azriel stepped in front of the door. 

“She is not my high lady, I am not a citizen of your court, in fact, I am starting to feel like a prisoner.” It's not lost on me that I have bore the title of Queen, multiple times. In both cases I have dismantled the monarchy entirely, setting up a system in which the people vote on who leads them. Her title meant nothing to me. I bow to those deserving, not the one who rely solely on birthright. But she doesn't need to know this. I have more important things on my mind than to argue with a child "I will request one more time, you move and allow me to leave.” 

“Or what?” Azriel snapped. Unmoving. 

I did not want to show this much of my hand just yet, knowing this magic is not native to Prythia. But, if they want to twist my arm, so be it. A swirling purple circle opened up under me and I fell though, closing it quickly behind me. Portals were my favorite magic to do, in more cases than once it ensured my freedom.

Landing softly on my feet, I took in my surroundings. Cool air, rolling green hills, and the sounds of birds chirping in the distance, the Spring court. I was finally home. I eventually spotted the manor I spent so much of my time at as a child. Mother didn't make me train with the illyrians as she did my brother because she feared the treatment I would receive, also by the time I came along she had befriended the ladies of the other courts. We would spend weeks here at times, the children would play together and the mothers would discuss adult things we didn't care about. One of those things being alliances, and what better way to encourage an alliance between Spring and Night than by an arranged marriage.

I didn't mind them encouraging me to play with the cute blonde shapeshifter. He was kind and silly and only a couple years older than me. The other kids, mainly Autumn boys, were rough and volatile, and I just had no interest in what they considered fun. When I would get flustered by my wings knocking things over and getting in the way, the youngest Spring boy would remind me how beautiful they were, or how powerful they made me. The few times he would get a chance to practice his fiddle, I would dance and twirl, even if it was just the arpeggios. He was the 3rd born, and I the second and a girl, they didn't expect either of us to become High lord. 

The manor was about a mile away, I shot up another portal to the door, I was tired after all and, if I'm being honest, a little excited to be back.

When I reached the door it was broken in half and wide open. I creeped inside, cautiously. It looked to be abandoned. Dirt and dust coated the walls and floors, priceless artifacts shattered and books thrown from the shelves. I noticed claw marks in the furniture. “Please just be alive, after everything, I can’t be too late.” I whispered to myself. My heart sank as I looked around. 

Further into the dilapidated manor, I heard muffled voices coming from the kitchen. “Get out.” a tired weak growl. I ran to the entrance and just as I rounded the corner I saw my brother's boot kick in the chest of.. Tamlin. He began spitting up blood. 

“WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?” I hissed at my brother. 

Rhysand whipped around towards me, Tamlin looked up from the floor, eyes wide. 

“You're alive??” Rhysand darted towards me and I shoved him to the ground, rushing to Tamlins side. I knelt down beside him, held his head up from where he laid on the floor and pulled another glass vial out of my pocket. 

“It'll be bitter but swallow” I commanded gently. He didn't argue, he took the healing potion and I kissed his forehead as I laid him back down gently to address my brother. 

I stood tall. Nothing but pure rage in my violet eyes toward my brother. I always hated how much we looked alike. “THIS is the ‘important business’ you told your wife you had to take care of?” 

“I thought he killed you, he hurt my mate.” Rhysand admitted, no remorse. 

“And I finally make it back home after 300 years in exile to find you kicking mine” I state through gritted teeth. 

Rhysands eyes narrowed “your what?” It was obvious he wanted me to retract my statement, not going to happen. I didn't waste my time away, I knew I was more powerful than all of Prythia, I had to be, in case I had returned to Amarantha still terrorizing the place. 

“You heard me.” I maintained his gaze. In a split second he lunged for me and I reached my hand out into the small portal that appeared to my side. I grabbed one of the curved blades I was gifted by the warriors I previously trained with. These blades were specifically enchanted to drip poisons into the wounds they create. This one? Bloodbane, or as Prythians call it, “Faebane.” I slashed him across the face in a controlled move, just enough to leave a scar and allow the poison to sink in. 

He screamed in pain and looked back up at me. My eyes fell entirely black and cracks formed across my face as I spit my curse at him, lifting up his chin with my sword to make him look me in the eye “IF YOU, OR ANY OF YOUR LACKEYS, ENTER THE SPRING COURT BORDERS AGAIN, ALL OF THE AIR WILL BE DRAWN FROM YOUR LUNGS, AND IF YOU CANNOT GET OUT BEFORE YOU PASS OUT WE WILL FEED YOUR BODIES TO THE PIGS.” I relaxed, my face returning to normal. “Now get out.” A portal opened below him and he fell, leaving him only halfway up the steps to the House of Wind. 

I turned my attention back to Tamlin, he had sat up, the healing potion having done its job, looking up at me with a million different emotions on his face, shock, fear, concern, confusion and relief. I sat down next to him, draping my legs over his. He embraced me like I was going to disappear any minute. “You're alive. Or I am dead, I do not care as long as I have you in my arms again.” he sighed as we just sat there on the floor. 

I awoke the daemati powers I hardly used as I pressed my forehead to his. A gentle knock on the walls of his mind, and he allowed me in. I shared the memories I held dear for all these years, of us playing in the fields of Spring, the days he would spend with me in the gallery his mother gifted me, watching me paint, the mischief we would get into and the giggles we would share. His face relaxed into a soft smile as I kissed his cheek.

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

@ladythornofrivia asked to be tagged❤️

[thegamingcatmom]

Guess who? Spoiler: me, its me and I come with a question(s) bc it is 3am and my mind can't shut up (:

So I think this was mentioned previously in another ask or post but I don't remember if it went much into detail. My question is about mates and separation. It is said (dont remember if canon said something about it) that vampires have a hard time being away from their mates and I would like to go deeper into this, know your thoughts on the matter.

Like, how bad it is? How long can they stay away from their mate? Is it minutes, hours, days? Is it painful, like physically? What do they feel, like I think despair, anxiety? Are there vampires who have a better time than others?

And finally how each sister individually is regarding this 'separation' situation? How clingy are they, if they are that is? How do they handle it? Do they call a lot? Text? (They know what phones are right? Ancient creatures they are :p)

Thanks as always for the answers❤️ (this is so long and i probs forgot something but i cant think so im gonna try to sleep xD)

Hiii! <3

Totally relatable! 3am has, unfortunately, become the time my brain works on overdrive as well. Which means I usually have to quit when I feel like I'm making actual progress, because I do need to sleep at some point. 😭

Right so, I think vampires defo have a hard time being away from their mates. I don't think it's actual pain in the sense of being "physical," but I reckon it very much feels like that for them.

I also think that, just like us humans, they have different ways of dealing with that pain. Some seek the company of their other coven members, some prefer to be alone, some (try to) play it cool and don't let anything show, and so on.

With that said, how long they´re able to stay away also varies and depends on multiple factors, I´d say. It´s not just their own personality and their way of dealing with things that plays into it, but also the cause of the separation. I think the latter plays a rather big part, actually. Like, if it´s for a "good" cause then it might be a lot easier for them to endure, I imagine.

...Y´know, this kinda reminds me of Carmen and El and the things I have planned for them in The Sisters, because separation might actually become a recurring theme for them (we see a snippet of that in the upcoming chapter.) I haven´t quite decided yet how far I wanna take it, but your ask kinda makes me wanna explore how Carmen might cope with a possible long-term separation. 💔🥺

As for what they´re feeling when separated from their mate:

JOKES ASIDE THOUGH-

Truly mated/bonded vampires (thinking of James and Victoria here cause I have my doubts about those two) are like fitting puzzle pieces, shaped to align perfectly with the other. If one breaks away, you won´t have a complete picture. Other puzzle pieces might fit with some force, but it will always result in a crooked picture because it´s just not meant to be.

With that said:

I think it´s agony. Like a part of you is missing. A big part. Like, half your body, to be precise.

As for the sisters:

(yes, they do know what phones are, lmao)

(...valid question though)

Tanya would probably cope best. Or, well, she´d be the most convincing at pretending she´s alright. She´s a leader and, in my head, that´s like its "own" personality. If the situation calls for it, a switch is flipped in her head - topdog leader mode activated.

Ofc, the separation from her mate is more of a personal challenge and probably her biggest one yet. Also because it´s one she´s never had to face before meeting MC. But I still think she would handle it a lot better than her sisters...at least on the outside. Like I said, it´s like a switch being flipped, a "mental shield," if you will. She will put on a brave face, act like nothing´s out of the ordinary. She will do her damn best to function, because that´s what she always does in times of hardship. It´s what leaders do.

It might not be the healthiest way to cope with things, but it´s what she knows and feels comfortable with.

…Besides, you can bet your ass there´ll be at least 50 calls, 30 FaceTimes, and 250 messages per day.

A good leader always stays on top of things.

Kate is a lot softer than she lets on, so I think she´d actually struggle the most with being separated from her mate. She would probs try and avoid her family for the most part. As a former warrior, the last thing she wants is to be seen as "weak." Like with Tanya, it´s not the healthiest way to cope with it, but there´s still this thinking that feelings get you killed on the battlefield, y´know? There´s just some things and habits we can´t shake, no matter how hard we try. Kate being reluctant to show any kind of "weakness" in front of others is one such habit. She´s gotten a lot better at allowing and showing those feelings since meeting MC for sure, but when MC´s gone? I imagine she´d be quick to fall back into that spiral.

So yeah, you´ll probs find her in the woods, sparring with the trees or smt to get her mind off things, to distract herself from the immense distress she´s feeling over her mate being gone.

As for contacting her mate:

Hm...I´m actually torn on that one. On one hand, you have the battle-hardened warrior who refuses to show feelings. On the other hand, you have the moonstruck sap who turns into mush the moment her mate is involved in any shape or form.

With that said:

Kate would struggle with exactly that, lol. Like, it´s a constant inner battle between who she was and who she has become since meeting MC. So I can imagine her sitting somewhere, glaring at her phone, doing her best to keep herself from typing in those damn numbers or writing out that stupid message because warriors don´t show "weakness."

...She caves, eventually. And both she and MC are damn glad she did, that lovable dork.

Irina would cope better than Kate, but her struggles would still be more obvious because she doesn´t usually hide her feelings like Kate does. On the contrary, she pretty much wears her heart on her sleeve, which is also why she´s the only one (out of the sisters) who feels 100% comfortable with confiding in others about how she feels. She usually goes to Carmen when she seeks comfort or guidance, like pretty much everyone else in the coven, lol. So, when it comes to dealing with that pain, I´d say Irina defo has the healthiest way of doing it.

She also has the healthiest call/message count btw, lmao. She´s not as overbearing as Tanya (nobody is, lel), and also not as stone-faced as Kate. She gives a quick call or leaves a heartfelt message here and there, just checking in, y´know? Sometimes they´re short and sweet, other times they´re literal novels in which she proclaims her undying love over and over and over and over and over and-

...I mean, there are times where she just...she gets carried away a bit, which usually ends with her dropping everything to go and seek out her mate.

...Her mate, who went to the supermarket for a quick errand.

I mean, listen-

In the end, I think it all comes down to why the sisters have been separated from MC. They´ll probs cope a lot better if they know the separation is short-lived.

...Or maybe not, lol. *points to Irina*

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Thanks a lot for your ask! Always stoked when those pop up in my inbox. 💋

#keepthethirstalive #keepthedenalisalive

[wendytestabrat]

how ‘tonsil trouble’ showed kyle is just as vindictive as cartman

what rlly stands out to me abt kyle in "tonsil trouble" is how that episode rlly shows how truly petty, vindictive, & vengeful he can be like just as much as cartman LOL. kyle is the kind of person that can't let shit go and he ALWAYS has to have the last word if someone slights him in any way. ok like I know cartman giving kyle aids was a fucked up thing to do and any person would be like reasonably pissed off beyond belief about that, but honestly I still feel like if this happened to another character they wouldn't have reacted the way kyle did and lashed out as badly as him LOL. i mean for example cartman has done a shit ton of life ruinous things to butters too but you've never seen butters snap at cartman like kyle did in this episode LOL. i mean first of all kyle got himself into this predicament by laughing at cartman for having aids which was probably not a very smart thing to do and was a HUGE dick move yet he took 0 responsibility for the effect that had on cartman nor apologized but cartman did apologize to kyle for for giving him aids AND found a cure for it. and then after kyle gets in trouble with the principal for beating cartman's ass on the playground and making fun of him for having aids he still does NOT FUCKING STOP and keeps going and finding ways to ruin cartman's life and get back at him and deadass breaks into his house and starts breaking all his shit LOL and then he almost destroys his xbox, but then lies and says he won't so cartman will cure his aids and then even AFTER cartman cures his aids he STILL fucking breaks his xbox LOL. like BRO LET IT GO YOU GOT YOURSELF INTO THIS MESS BY BEING A DICK AND RIPPING ON CARTMAN AND NOW YOU STILL THINK YOU'RE JUSTIFIED IN RUINING CARTMAN'S LIFE SOME MORE??? i swear with all the energy kyle spent into raging and trying to get back at cartman he could've honestly just found a cure to the aids much sooner. LOL honestly the moment after cartman apologized to kyle that could've been a good moment where the two could've reconciled their differences and kyle could've owned up to the fact that he was being a dick making fun of Cartman for having aids and THEN they could've discussed working together to find a cure. i feel like that's what cartman wanted to happen and was expecting to happen LOL. he thought giving kyle aids was just gonna be a fun practical joke on kyle that would teach him a lesson about ripping on people who have aids so then when kyle snapped the way he did cartman was like OH SHIT. normally cartman likes pissing off kyle and getting him to react at shit but yeah this retaliation was too much for cartman to handle bc Kyle was deadass starting to match cartman's energy LOL. and I also feel like cartman wouldn't have given kyle aids if he knew there was no cure. he said he was researching the cure and magic johnson since he was infected, so what that tells me is cartman didn't view giving kyle aids as a big deal bc he knew they were just gonna cure it anyways. he just wanted to play a joke on kyle and make kyle look stupid for a brief moment and have kyle regret making fun of him and then have them reconcile after and work together to find a cure. but yeah cartman's ignorance in this situation is that he didn't realize that aids is like an incurable disease up until that point and so if you give someone aids they're probably gonna be hella pissed bc they think they're gonna die. knowing cartman and how intelligent, resourceful, & resilient he is he knew that once he got infected with aids he alone could probably find a cure for it LOL but ofc he was playing up the "i'm gonna die" card for attention. kyle, not so much. he runs on his emotions for everything so yeah finding out he has aids is like a devestating life ruinous thing with no hope for him, so being that cartman is a total sociopath with a lack of empathy he didn't expect kyle to react to getting aids in that way LOL

[girlfriendsofthegalaxy]

tuesday again 9/5/2023

moving closer to your best friend means hanging out in big groups a lot of the time. while this is theoretically good for mental health or whatever, in practice i overextended myself this weekend and am going to wake up tomorrow with the mental equivalent of a sore lower back

listening (2x bonus)

very fond of måneskin's new single HONEY (ARE U COMING?). sonically different from their other stuff, lyrics and tone-wise another incredible sad banger! spotify

my sister viewed the film Party Girl (1995, dir. von Scherler Mayer) last week at a party in philly and sent me this song featured in the film with no further explanation. Double Cross by First Choice (a Larry Levan remix) has what i want to call bollywood strings, a flute, and the funkiest bassline backing up some really classic disco vocals. First Choice were a group out of philly, which no one at the party knew at the time, and this blog calls this specific remix "dancefloor soul" which is probably as good a descriptor as any. i have had it on loop for a solid week. lyrics include

Love stealing, double dealing, two-timing lowdown son of a gun

which is just so much fucking fun to sing in the car. spotify

-

reading (2x bonus here also)

i read the mandalorian comics in between volumes of berserk, which feels a bit like saying i took a break from watching the evil dead franchise to watch some cocomelon.

the mandalorian comics are a remarkably uninspired nearly shot by shot breakdown of the episodes. not in the way most film/tv comics are, where they’re very clearly traced screencaps, but screenshots redrawn. this would be interesting if the artist was not contractually obliged to the very flat marvel comics style. i am constantly reminded of how the mandalorian is simply…not very good. it’s entertaining as a spectacle of television to watch, but there are not a lot of fun ideas in there. something that made me fucking scream with laughter are these panels of baby yoda

pápá, your son is So high

back to the other series with a dark haired, roaming, grouchy, reserved man on a mission. unfortunately i don't have a lot of berserk thoughts just yet, i am waiting on vol 4 to come off my library holds and my brain is still digesting it. anyway i think not wanting random "friendly" embraces from strangers is a very reasonable thing for guts to dislike and i truly do not understand why ppl in-universe get so fucking offended. unfortunately reading these late at night did lead to an unpleasant sleep experience.

bitches love a fucked up interior space that can't ever actually exist (it's me i'm bitches)

not to be all therapeutic but im trying to be Curious About and Gently Interrogate why i get a real bee in my bonnet once a year to read some horror comics/manga when i am big squeamish baby about film depictions of those things. i think mostly bc comics gore is so much more stylized than some of the very effective practical and cgi effects? and crucially nothing is actually like writhing around on screen it’s a still image? does anyone else’s brain have a much easier time handling still images over moving images of gore? much to consider

as with many other things, me reading berserk is indirectly @dying-suffering-french-stalkers ' fault

-

watching

i have viewed the first four episodes of Fire Force, the urban fantasy mercenary firefighter anime and do not think i will be continuing. while i have a great many questions about the worldbuilding (gravitational anomalies?? genetic predisposition to spontaneous human combustion?? solar god nuns??) it has a dead mom plot, which i am allergic to. this is also a 7.5-8 on the Ass part of the Weeb Ass Shit scale, and has a lot more casual assault than i try to encounter in anime. it's by the soul eater guy, remember the level of Stuff going on in soul eater? a little bit more ramped up groping and stuff that makes me say out loud "wow i don't like this" than soul eater.

the animation re: aforementioned fire is really top notch tho. visually complex and interesting television program.

how i found this: me and my best friend and my best friend's husband morosely poking around the anime section on hulu, looking for something to fill the spy x family void. this ain't it tho

-

playing

i have no fun genshin tidbits to share bc i am grinding talent mats while catching up with the podcast episodes of the road to partizan and i don’t have much to say about the not-fun parts of gachas. why am i playing something if it’s not inherently fun? great fucking question

-

making (3rd 2x bonus)

very uninspired (derivative, even) abbreviated sofrito thing over rice. with heavy application of Worcestershire sauce it was fine. no pics

also i finally bought a couch bc salvation army had 50% off everything for Labor Day. this is a question of ethics vs money i have decided for myself, and encourage you, the reader, to go off and quietly make your own philosophical choices without explaining them to me in detail.

it will be arriving on friday bc that is when the strapping young men who own trucks are available. my front door is a very non standard size and i have a very awkward front stair, so i needed something that could fit under the overhang while standing on its end. this one was the best size and (fortunately) the cheapest at $150. it is some sort of extremely flammable early polyester and 100% has a grandma’s soul trapped within its fibers. i will probably buy a cover at some later date to deter miss macaron but in the meantime we will do the strips of brown painters tape, which does successfully deter her. this really really does not want to be steamed so i will also be procuring some chemicals.

here are some other couches i could have bought but didn’t.

[tvrningout-a]

alright, so! something to note about chiyo is that she grew up with a dad who bonded with her over anime and manga. he introduced her to a bunch of oldies, watched childhood classics with her, and even indulged in stuff like naruto when she got into it. her dad used the protagonists to kinda teach her how to be a good person -- be heroic, look out for others, stand up for them, be kind, etc. and that really stuck with her.

fast forward some years, and chiyo encounters her first bully. they aren't her bully at first; they're picking on a friend of hers, and chiyo does as she was taught and stands up for her friend, chases off the bully. things are cool, fine. then they aren't.

that bully targets her, and chiyo realizes most of her classmates are more afraid of them than they are of losing her. and really, that's okay. she's a hero, right? heroes have their rough patches. they're stronger because of them. she can handle a mean kid.

but chiyo doesn't get stronger the longer this stuff goes on. she enters middle school, and it gets worse bc her classmates begin to avoid her. just being associated with her means they might be bullied, too, and what pre-teen wants to risk that? none of them do, particularly when the bullying progresses from harsh words and exclusion to pranks that leave chiyo walking home in soggy clothes or washing egg out of her hair.

chiyo realizes she's not as strong as she thought she was. she cries a lot -- not in front of them, never in front of them, but her parents see it. she tries to stop them from worrying, tells them everything's fine when it obviously isn't. eventually, teachers catch on, her parents are called, and they're called so often, it feels like.

everything is going wrong, and chiyo just wants it all to stop. she doesn't want to go to school anymore. she doesn't for a little while, thankful that her grandmother is retired and can afford to homeschool her while her parents search for another school she can attend. they find one too quickly for chiyo's liking, but they make her a deal: she'll finish the year up at home before she attends her new school.

things are much different at this new school because chiyo is different, too. she's much quieter, tending to blend into the background. she manages to befriend most of her classmates, yet she can't call any of them friends, per se. they don't really know her, which is what she wants. they can't hurt her if they don't know enough about her.

chiyo thankfully doesn't have to put up with bullies so much as cliques at this new school, but she ignores slights and attempts to get a reaction whenever they do happen. other kids tend to say something before the thought ever crosses her mind, and chiyo lets them despite the anger that sometimes flares inside her chest.

she's not going to play the hero anymore -- she's exhausted.

[cinnamostar]

hiiii again! :)

just wanted to share my thoughts on 'Four Dates to Fall in Love.'

I hope you are doing well ❤️

I loved the start with Chris—how you incorporated him as someone reader can share their feelings with and sort out their thoughts. It adds so much to the story and the characters. Especially when the reader goes on about wanting to keep having fun with Hyunjin but struggles when memories and emotions about the past years come back. I loved how Chan validated both feelings and helped the reader find a way to deal with the situation. This whole situation takes a lot of emotional intelligence, maturity, empathy, and firm boundaries. I'm so happy to see this portrayed in fanfiction. 🫶

Besides that, I also really enjoyed them cooking together—the teasing, their smiles, and the reader's hands over Hyunjin's. It was such a good read, and the underlying awkwardness was so tangible!

"[...] suddenly hyper aware of the strange warmth in your stomach that was also accompanied by the feeling of your stomach dropping. It was an uncomfortable feeling, one you didn't know how to explain or ever experienced before, but you did know you didn't want that combination of symptoms again for whatever emotion this was." I think I died reading that part. Way too good. YOU ARE SO TALENTED. I've said it so often, but the way you describe feelings—especially those opposing feelings—it's perfect.

AAAAAND you did justice to Hyunjin and his feelings in this part! How he struggles with what he has done, the reader's friendliness, the guilt, and the hate he almost has on himself.

"[...] shame paralyzed his body, the warm sensation behind his eyes reminding him to blink, reminding him he shouldn't be so selfish in his pain when he was the cause of so much discomfort." Shame is such an underrated emotion and is rarely acknowledged, but yet it is so powerful. Loved that you incorporated this emotion.

Last but not least, the last part broke me. How the reader chose to comfort Hyunjin, their inner conflict with their choice—"[...] despite what your mind screamed at you, you chose to listen to your heart, you chose him over himself".... I was fr dead on the floor after reading this. I mean—I know how hard it is to be in this situation, and I probably would do the same, but I screamed with the reader's mind.

Sooooo - in conclusion, I love how you portray them so humanly, all their struggles... I can really see myself in them. I can't wait to finally get them together.

And I wanted to point out: taking a rest from writing has paid off. Your dialogs were just perfect. I loved the slow burn. You did really well. ❤️

YOUR MESSAGES ALWAYS MAKE MY DAY SO MUCH BETTER T - T THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHH it makes me genuinely so happy that someone finds my work that impactful so it always so appreciated :')!

my intention from the start was to always have chris there as someone the reader could rely on and have candid conversations regarding their emotions! its one thing to write how the reader is feeling, but i think its another for the reader to talk to someone else abt it bc i feel like it can reveal a lil more about the characters and their relationship with each other! like yeaaa chris is reader's manager, but also a great friend over the years theyve known each other!

and yeah, they both have a lot of emotions to process and figure out! its really hard to be either of them in that position because shame/guilt is such a difficult feeling to digest, especially when the other party still hasn't forgiven. so tbh, its hard for hyunjin to know what to do or how to handle anything bc ultimately, it is up to the reader on how they wanna handle their relationship w him... hyunjin can only hope for forgiveness, but has been blessed with kindness too!

reader is also in a hard position because if it wasn't for the fact there wasn't an acting project on the line, reader would've probably been a lot more callous towards hyunjin. but theres a role on the line that the reader really wants, so reader gotta suck it up a little. while the reader did chose to be kind to hyunjin, a lot of it has to do with just spending time with him. i think no matter how angry you can be with someone, if you miss a friendship and are able to see them for who they really are, its hard to be a total dickhead to them JKLFDSJ especially if they seem super apologetic.

BUUUUUUUUUT reader choosing this doesnt mean their hurt goes away.............. I HAVE PLANS, I CANNOT SAY MORE, BUT THERE ARE PLANS FOR THIS SERIES NSJKDFNA emotions are complex and hard so this entire series is just gonna be That (but also im avoiding being repetitive too so that was an added challenge when i outlined this series)

personally, reader is actually a lot better than me, im a hater til i die, but then this story wouldnt be going anywhere...

after this chapter, there are only three dates left and then one extra chapter... i have had this all planned out, im excited and hope u enjoy whats next !!<333 thank u sm again i literally love seeing ur messages in my inbox . and yes!!! the break helped a lot :') thank u for encouraging the writing break tooMMMMMMWAH

[darby-draws]

For Mutt: 17 18 22 and 23 :)

Thank youu!!! <3 [Ask Game]

17: how did they spend their summers/free time as a child?

When not helping his parents around the house n farm he was probably catching frogs, playing in mud, and climbing trees with Bea. I imagine Bea tells a lot of good stories about grand adventures and make-believe, Mutt could just sit and listen to them for hours. He'd read his own books, too, he just liked the way she tells em. He didn't have many other friends.

As a teen he got a bit scrappier and was running around town more often, helping with the farm less, made more friends. Boy friends he didn't know how to handle bc he secretly like-liked them and didn't understand so was always scrapping and tussling with them instead. (biting you) (intricate rituals, etc)

18: their opinion on lying, stealing, and killing? "I reckon if you're backed into a corner, you'll do just about anything to survive."

I don't think he minds lying or stealing all that much, mostly because the closest person in his life currently would tell him anything and if not there must be a good reason for it and he can't imagine himself getting hurt in that way. He probably could, feel hurt from it, but he hasn't experienced that yet. Keeps his expectations low, maybe, or simply thinks a lie isn't necessarily malicious. Its not like he's exactly truthful about himself to people around town. They think him n Bea are in love, not, married for convenience. And stealing is.. whatever as a general concept, he doesn't have anything super valuable but he does have meaningful items I don't think he realizes would hurt if they were lost. But just u know, if they steal food if they steal money they musta needed it.

Killing is obviously a bigger deal... He doesn't feel comfortable with the thought. take another mans life?? dont do that thats scary :/ hsghhg

Knowing what Dorian did and why he did it, though, I know Mutt understands and doesn't really judge him for it. It's different, it's different when you gotta protect yourself. And if Mutt was in a self defense, him vs the other guy situation like that, he thinks he could do it.. He fights pretty good but I think he'd be too scared to pull the trigger so to speak.

22: do they sleep well at night?

No <3

23: how would you describe their voice? can they sing?

Oh I notoriously bad at voice headcanons. To you I would simply say the "…ohkay" voice and to everyone else you get *checks notes* country twang. He talks slowly and carefully and he never really says more than necessary. Probably can sing decently well, yea. Dunno how often he does though..

[slocumjoe]

3, 18, 27, and/or 45 (depending how many u wanna do lol) for the ship ask 👀 bc we all know gage is bad at Verbalizing Feelings but what about ur oc??? tell us everything

3; What was their first impression of each other?

Gage knew of her before she knew of him, so he had time to form assumptions. He knew she was a manager type in a shipping company/trade network across the east coast, and he knew she came from wealth. Expected someone like Mags, someone prissy and full of herself. More importantly, the circumstances of Florence working with the Minutemen on the partnership was sketchy as hell, and he didn't trust Isadora's judgment yet, so he went to investigate himself.

Florence, for her part, had just moved to Sanctuary to help stabilize the Minutemen's place in the trade network, and then this guy shows up at her office, clearly a raider, clearly pretending he's definitely not a raider and definitely not looking for something.

So, Gage's first impression was suspicion with some dread at the thought of dealing with another rich girl. Florence knew she was being assessed and psychoanalysed by someone starting out with a bone to pick.

Gage is lucky Flora doesn't hold grudges about shit like that.

18; How do they care for one another when one of them is wounded or sick?

Florence is very doting to people she cares for, and is, for lack of a better way to describe it, kind of house-wifey, so she's ON that shit. Will call him an idiot when he gets hurt as she stitches him up, but he's still gonna have to deal with her coddling. She's a hoverer. Gage will grumble and bitch, but never actually turns her away.

Gage, when something's wrong with Flo, is...neurotic. Sick? Okay, that's fine, she just needs to rest and take her—Flo, why are you in the office? Forget the damn—go to bed. You're barely standing. She's a "I'll just power through" kind of person and it drives him crazy.

If she's HURT?

Florence (in my Canon, ignore in-game) isn't a fighter, she's a business woman. This isn't someone who's on the field. So, something/one would have had to attack her out of nowhere.

Gage is a fucking nightmare to deal with in this scenario. Hovers, flinches at the slightest hint she's hurt or in pain, eye twitches when she still insists she's fine to work. Anyone who wants to see her gets grilled, God forbid you somehow approach her without him noticing. Becomes the most annoying bodyguard. He can't do much besides protect her while she recovers, he's not a doctor. Paranoid as hell, and rides Isadora's ass to make sure it doesn't happen again.

Florence finds this adorable.

27; How do they say 'I love you' non-verbally?

Florence's love language leans towards Acts of Service and Gift Giving. Cooks for him, fixes up his armor and clothes, makes him a new, safer/comfier eyepatch. She's quick to say It, but quicker to express it. She's not a shy, insecure person and has no reservations. So, hope Gage adapts quickly to being spoiled like some kind of purse dog.

He does not, being the emotionally stunted asshole he is.

Gage...I've described him as a feral tom cat that will take food, but hisses and runs if you try to pet it. Thats...yeah. As time goes on, he gets better with it, but habits die hard.

His first real act of love is something literally no one could notice; he stops trying to read into her, psychoanalyze her. Stops the "I need to be two steps ahead" thing and lets himself let her be...just a person, not someone to be used, not someone up to something. It sounds weird, but for Gage...that's something no one else has gotten, not even Isadora gets that. It's purely a mental thing that Gage and Gage alone knows about, but it's more significant than one could fathom.

The first noticeable thing is a lot simpler, and partially on Isadora's recommendation. He just takes her to the shooting ranges and teaches her how to handle a gun. Gage is not a teaching sort, but he is protective, and anyone watching would notice how careful he is hovering around her, touching her to help adjust her holds on firearms.

45; How do they support each other?

Gage acts as a bodyguard and the muscle to help her get her way. Flora can be scary, but sometimes, getting a brahmin baron to hold up his part of the deal needs more than talk.

Florence sweet-talks her way into getting the local traders and doctors to give Isadora and her party some generous discounts, which helps them all, but was really intended for Gage.

In their emotional relationship? Florence and Gage don't need much. Gage wants someone who thinks like he does and doesn't pity him, and Florence wants someone who will listen to her and respect her for her skills. A snapshot of what this looks like is just Florence going through an extensive explanation of future negotiations and economic development while Gage listens and occasionally gives his opinion.

For a more emotional need...Gage needs space when he's upset for any reason, Florence needs grounding because she tends to drift and it can be hard for her to 'come back'. They compromise. Gage doesn't want to talk? They don't talk, he holds her and plays with her hair. It's a very quiet relationship. On the rare occasion Gage does want to vent, Florence listens and doesn't tell him how to feel, what do to. He appreciates that she doesn't try to guide him, like Isadora is prone to.

[khodorkovskaya]

02.04.23

yesterday was a great day at the shop! there were lots of people and we made good money 🤑

other than that we've been receiving negative news one after another and it's been tough to handle emotionally. ive tried to distract myself but like the facts are there and im anxious...

my bestie came by the shop and we went to drink tea and then had a kebab at the place that's just opened next to the shop. we talked a lot about relationships and ive also been thinking about that kind of stuff ever since i bumped into B the other day.

if i think about it too much, relationships seem like a scam. what do you gain from being in a relationship with a man? what's in it for you? it feels like you're just gonna sacrifice yourself and act like a crazy person. in an ideal world id want a partner who complements me and my life, someone who really sees me and can understand me, someone i don't need to change for. but how can someone understand and see you to that level? you always have to change yourself to appeal to whoever you hang out with, be it friends or classmates or whatever. how can you find someone who is that perfect for you? and if the person is not perfect, is it even worth it?

my stepdad says i have a hygiene problem. and yeah... like i know that's not very slay of me but like ive been showering every two-three days ever since i left B and i have these weird discolouration spots on my skin now, yikes. it started off with me not wanting to see myself naked bc my naked body reminded me of him. and now im fine but ive gotten into the habit of not showering and it's not an easy habit to get out of frankly. bc honestly ive always hated looking after myself. washing my hair, bathing, using a loofah, shaving, having a skin care routine or whatever... i can't deal with the effort. the maximum i can do (or used to be able to do) is rinse myself in the shower once a day and that's it. and now i can't bring myself to do even that every day, yikes.

and it got me thinking, why do most people, as my stepdad claims, like taking care of themselves and their bodies and i don't. ive never shaved or wanted to shave. ive tried like using creams and scrubs and stuff but it was always so tedious, i don't know how people do it. makeup can be fun for a special occasion but i can't imagine how some girls do it every day. and taking care of my hair is the worst! and tbh i don't like being clean. i feel normal when im "dirty" and i can't explain why, it makes me feel most like myself. it got me thinking that for many sa survivors bad hygiene is a defense mechanism. maybe my lack of cleanliness is deeper than me just being lazy idk. bc everyone enjoys shower gels that smell like flowers and having shiny clean hair and smooth skin, so why don't i?

i thought about sex with B and funnily enough we got onto the topic with my bestie too. and idk, i feel weird about sex. i can't say that im asexual or hypersexual, but something about my sex drive and my relationship with sex has never felt normal. like im not chill about sex. maybe it's because i didn't have a healthy introduction to it, but then again, what does a healthy introduction to sex even look like? is it fooling around with a friend as a teenager and feeling safe and playful? is it waiting till marriage and trusting your partner with your life? is it progressive sex education at school where you're taught about different sexualities without shame? can you even be properly introduced to such an intimate thing in a healthy manner without shocking a part of yourself?

like... idk how to explain it. because sex is normal, it's a part of life, everyone has it. but yet it's so bizarre and doesn't logically go with anything else we do in life. why do i like things during sex that would usually repulse me? why are women submissive? why does sex resemble violence so much? why does it make you scream and cry and yet it feels good? it's so full of contradictions i really can't understand.

and my bestie and i compared our sexual experiences and found a lot of similarities. for example both of us had had moments where all of a sudden in the middle of sex our desire would just go away for no reason. like you're into it one moment and then the next everything is uninteresting and even repulsive and you don't want to do it anymore. where does that come from? also i remember with B id fantasise about him but the moment he'd want to have sex id just immediately stop being horny. why? didn't i want sex with him a minute ago?

and like, back to the contradictions of sex, it got me thinking that it's weird how the first ever sex was technically rape. and how apparently women scream during sex bc it's our primal instinct to cry for help during it. and men always fantasise about hitting women and strangling them and cnc is a big thing. and like... maybe the "original sin" wasn't eve eating the forbidden fruit and being punished for it by pain during childbirth for generations of women to come. maybe the "original sin" was eve getting raped and then now women have to deal with her trauma and convince themselves that sex is pleasurable.

and don't get me wrong, sex with B was good! and he'd always tell me that i wasn't like other girls because i was sexually healthy bc i could come easily and i wasn't coincée. but i think the issue was that im too sensitive for sex. like yes, i can come and feel pleasure and all of that, but i feel it too intensely. and sex as a concept feels super intense to me and i can't make peace with it because it's too much. it's too much stimulation, too many contradictions, too many feelings and instincts and it's just too complex for me to take in emotionally. like sometimes B and i would be having sex and id just like break down crying and shut down in the middle of it. and it felt good in a way. but it's too much for me, you know? maybe it was too much with B and now im recovering from it by not showering, who knows.

so idk. if i do end up finding the perfect partner for me, how would our sex life go? will i scream and cry like i did with B? will i make it into a competition with his exes like i did with B? will it make me feel terrible about my body like it did with B? will it feel like heaven like it did with B? or will it be healthy and calm and stable and peaceful and feel normal and safe?

[1d1195]

Hi Sam!! It’s been so long omg😭😭😭 I will explain later tbh bc it’s a bit wild and long! But omg I’ve missed you😭(might be a two parter 😔)

I think your gifts probably give off the vibe of being so cute and presented so well that they are just too pretty to open!

And we love a hates everyone but her moment! And your grumpy characters are a good mixture of grumpy! Like they aren’t ever truly “mean” if that makes sense lol

I can definitely understand choosing the route of “pretending” stuff doesn’t matter in order to have some peace for your mental health! I think in general we’ve all experienced some form of that whether it be in our personal lives or the world. Sometimes it just needs to happen in order to not breakdown. So I get it, there’s nothing wrong with that! Been actually do familiar with that technique lately with how life is going HAHA

How has your reading been lately?? Anything exciting? Or disappointing?! A possible new book boyfriend or are we hating some characters rn?!

Going to the symphony does sound all grown up lol but it was so nice and it made me really just miss the whole vibes of experiencing that kind of performance! My brother and I are very much nerds when it comes to music lol but omg I’m the total opposite I feel less productive! I get tired around 4 pm now 😭 and omg the COLD😭 so brutal and I think im low in iron so I’m basically freezing all the time lol I haven’t started my winter break yet! I start it in about two weeks! But idk how long it is tbh lol

Oh bestie I love when you do rom-com stuff like sometimes the cheesier the better! You just do those vibes well and it’s nice to read like “feel good moment” stuff! And tbh if I had a chance in some alternate universe to kiss HIM I WOULD TAKE IT!!! I do think you’re creative! Maybe like the painting/drawing stuff isn’t your vibe but the way you write bestie?! SO GOOD! Like these plots,plots twists,love confessions, THE YEARNING?!? You do have a very creative mind! And these dividers are just adorable!

I hope you were able to end November on a semi okay note! I know you’ve mentioned how hard it’s been this past month and I hope you were able to relax a bit for the holidays!(hope that was at least okay!) also hope you got to eat some good potatoes in any way!!

I did notice you were a bit quiet this year about your birthday! But I assumed it was mainly because it was towards the beginning of the week and school probably got in the way! But I love that your students made it a bit better! And of course glad you have some lovely people in your life because you deserve that too!!-💜

I can't make them mean, I think it's my biggest fault in writing 😭 I want to make them grumpier and meaner but I just look at Harry with his dimply smile and his cinnamon roll hair and simply can't picture him being mean.

I'm sorry you're really going through it right now. I love to compartmentalize the bad and ignore it until I can deal with it later. Not sure if it's the healthiest way to handle things but I think it's gotta be done sometimes.

I have not been reading much 😭 I'm working on a Christina Lauren book. It's related to another one that I read last year and it's okay but I don't love it tbh right now. I'm only about 70 pages in. I'm surprised though because my friend who's like the biggest bookwork I know thought it was one of their best and I'm just not seeing it atm. Hopefully it will get better. I revisited my basketball bf though for good measure. It had been a few weeks since I reread about him. I feel like I need a cheesy-wintry book boyfriend. I watched Hot Frosty on Netflix, it's incredibly ridiculous. 100/10 recommendation though. no other notes 😂

I love the music relationship you have with your brother! That's so cute. You and the tuba right? I hope i didn't make that up but I can't even remember when we talked about your instrument last so I don't think I could find it if I tried.

Idk, I feel like with limited sunlight it's like I'm being timed and i have to get more done in a shorter amount of time 😂 I love the cold so much because I get to cover up my body the way I like ☠ let's not read into that. I just love sweaters and boots. I feel way more teacher-y in the winter than i do in the summer. But I get it. My bf is a chilly person. I call our apartment The Tropic of Cancer because he has it on a boiling temp (73). I open the window making full eye contact with him when the sun comes through in the afternoon. ANYWAY. I am sorry you're cold. I totally get that and I know this is a rough time of year for a lot of people.

I don't think it's a choice that you kiss him given the chance. It's a given.

I love spending time with my fam for Thanksgiving so that was nice. But it was a long busy working. I feel like I didn't get much relaxation time but I tried. It'll be a quick turn around until winter break so at least there's that. I'm hoping to finish my Christmas shopping soon and relax a little more.

One of my fave students got into trouble right around my bday and I know it's dumb but I was so bummed out about it I barely wanted to celebrate 😂 honestly the student probably wouldn't even have known it was my birthday but idk. it's hard to explain. Kid makes my whole day just to see him. The event day of was also tricky and exhausting. But regardless.

Onto part two thanks for being the best and sweet and lovely 💕

xoxo

[sunnythemartian]

idk where else to post this so here, this is for the people who knew me.

i'm not making a video again. i'm not making this dramatic, i'm not making a show of it, i'm not getting showered and dressed up and pretty to die. i'm gonna die like i always have been, ugly, pathetic, depressed and disgusting. i lost a lot of friends tonight, people i thought were otherwise pretty cool and thought that i was too. but i guess friends don't really like you when their funnier, better friend broke your heart and now they're doing better than ever while you're an insane fucking mess who keeps lashing out at people and can't decide if you want to kill everyone or cry on the floor, neither options are fun enough for them to stick around. when i feel slighted and i'm already upset or on edge, i immediately jump to being a huge bitch bc i think at the time if i can be mean enough i can convince myself that what they did didn't hurt, which obviously never ends up happening and i just have to suffer once the adrenaline wears off with the fact that i just pushed yet another person i liked away and they're not coming back. people don't understand when you're fucked up why you do the things you do, they don't care to either. they don't understand that my worst fear of being judged and hated by people is the exact reason i push them away, the exact reason i'm such a massive fucking cunt when i'm afraid that that's happening or going to happen. i feel like if i can be the one to throw the first punch or drive them away myself it won't hurt as much, but of course that doesn't work. petty disputes that probably could've been worked out turn into me ending entire friendships all bc i'm scared of people holding a negative opinion of me. backwards logic, believe me i know, but for some reason i always get it in my head that if i'm the one to ruin things first then it,, makes them deserve it???? idfk ugh, i'm a horrible fucking person and an even worse friend, and by god i'm the WORST to fucking date, christ i'm a hellstorm of tears and fights and insecurities all wrapped up into a pink glittery bow that just screams "love me!" at first and then comes unfurling out as soon as i fall in love. i'm impossible to deal with, impossible to love, at least romantically. i try to warn people, i plead with them to leave me before it's too late. but they always say they can handle me, i'm not a burden, that they'll stay. but what they don't realize is that by the time they find out they can't, "too late" isn't for them. it's for me. it happened once. my heart broke. i really, really loved him. it happened twice. my heart shattered. i fucking adored him. and the worst part of it all is that part of me still does. but i know that he doesn't love me. and he shouldn't. i don't deserve it. i'm a nightmare for everyone who ever gets to see the real me, a nightmare that thank fuck is about to be put to an end. i'm sorry to everyone who had to know me.

update lmao i lived hoes, L + ratio

[hamtigers]

DPS main, was a WHM main in ShB specifically, and baby tank here(i dont have any tanks to max yet)

Honestly I don't want to vote on either bc I don't think either is rude. I'm in the same boat as you, but I'm gonna elaborate anyway just to get my thoughts out, not direct them at anyone in particular.

What's rude is pulling for the tank, or insisting the tank needs to pull more. Or a tank trying to continue to do big pulls if the healer can't keep up.

I've had tanks wipe bc they didn't realize their healer couldn't keep up and then immediately start doing small pulls bc it's not worth the risk of wiping again. Which is a very good way to handle that.

Is it faster to wall to wall? Yes. Is it the general expectation? Yes. But everyone is here to play the game and have fun. I'd rather take a little bit longer if it means no one is being given a bunch of anxiety because they're trying to perform to someone else's expectation. I get it, (solo)DPS queues are long and a lot of time we're just trying to get through our dailies, but it's just a game and not worth freaking out over.

Everyone likes to bring up new tanks/healers still learning, or ppl who are at lvl and thus don't have the excess gear stats. This is all very valid, but you have to remember that someone could be high level or geared and still prefer a slower pace for one reason or another. Maybe they're rusty at the class. Maybe for all anyone knows, a disability could be interfering with their ability to react in time so they prefer to play safe. As other players, we're not entitled to someone "proving" that they "need" the slower pace. Just let people play how they prefer(so long as it's not spinning the boss and screwing over melee positionals lol) it really shouldn't be a big deal and I'm tired of people acting like it is.

I have another little poll for my FFXIV fellows

and I'll add a little context: this isn't trying to figure out which is like, "more correct" to do as a tank, I'm just curious where the general vibe is - cause my sister grew up playing WoW where, in her circles, it was usually considered rude to pull wall to wall. now XIV is obviously a very different game, but coming to this mmo and seeing folks (admittedly usually DPS players) say that it's rude not to wall to wall is just interesting to me

I do think in the end its up to the tank and the healer, especially if one or both is a sprout, but its been interesting to see just how... worked up some people really get over it

[nxiousxpsistence]

it's over, they're all over

I've let them all go.

Yesterday was yet another Pride day in London and on Pride, nothing can make me sad. That's why it was good timing to have that convo where I literally let go of my crush after holding on to these warm feelings for a month or so - wait, exactly one month!

I found him after the march and we had a couple of drinks and talked. My intention was to lay it all on the table and gauge his reactions. Before I could say anything though, he hit me with "I've been upset over this. I get upset over things like this!." I spent the next half hour trying to understand what got him upset.

Apparently he felt like a male "pervert" perving over a femme who was not interested.

It was more like him starting something without my consent. I didn't put the binary into it, he did.

And it was just bc I didn't respond to him for about 6 hours and I hit him with "I need time to think if we can find a common ground" in the morning when HE texted me "Are we not speaking BRO?".

Forgetting how he left me on read for days on end and I never made a big deal out of it bc I didn't want to keep in contact constantly. Apparently he thought it was him being aloof and me chasing him, giving him the space just so I could bag him. Like what?

I tried to make him understand that it wasn't the original boundary-shattering but how he and I handled it in the hours following. He failed to respect my agency and my space at every step of the way. The initial attempt made me feel uncomfortable, the convo that came after didn't reduce that discomfort and, in fact, added to it.

For one, he literally said "Oh, I've been expecting this, this is too familiar." This is possibly the only notion I hate with my whole heart. It renders me without any will or means to reply. Should I try to persuade you otherwise or should I say "Yeah, you must be a genius!." There's an element of trust at stake here, too. I can't really put my trust in another person's way of thinking if they are in the habit of jumping to conclusions without enough information AND submitting to their impatience to assume the worst about themselves and myself. Like Super Hans says, I can't really depend on this way of thinking in a combat situation.

Apparently what he thought was that I must have got back together with my ex, who wouldn't want me talking to other ppl. Where exactly is my agency and my authority in that? Am I just a putty in ppl's hands and have I got no willpower to do as I please? Also, why are you trying to get closer to someone who you think can actually be dragged into things rather than following their own agency?

Towards the end of the conversation, it was pretty clear to me that we wouldn't be able to make each other understand our respective positions and I told him as much. I explained how I knew the pieces didn't and wouldn't fit and this is actually a good thing that'll save us a lot of heartache.

I think it was the toxic doublethink I got from him that put me off further. Half of the convo assumed what happened the night before was purely a misunderstanding, while the other half questioned why he wouldn't be able to use sexual innuendos while talking to me, an asexual. This way of thinking is DANGEROUS, not only for whomever he chooses to be with but for himself, also.

When you start questioning if something could be anything other than what it actually was, there's no fighting that.

He couldn't answer me when I flat out asked "Was it suggestive or not?." Because it fucking was. And him trying to convince me that it wasn't (while claiming he should be able to say suggestive stuff to me) was an even bigger red flag than the original suggestiveness. Hope he got that.

I was only shocked when he talked about how I approached him sexually and how if he'd done that, that would've been an issue with me. What he's talking about is this 4 sentences I uttered to him, explaining that I'd want a casual relationship, no strings attached, with hopefully some sexy times. That's it. It was me offering him my consent - NOT to have sex right there and there, but maybe to start talking about it, what we want, and what gives us joy and what makes us tick? How is it that our personal spaces should be available at all times to be invaded by others? Why would somebody open themselves up to hurt like this?

I was so careful not to touch him when I knew he wasn't there for it even as we were lying side by side on the same bed. It was only once that I said I wanted to touch him and he only consented to me cuddling him from behind - and that's exactly what I did, nothing more. So he did see how I approached this. He knew I wanted him badly and I was keeping a respectful distance even when we were in the same house. He knew how to do it, he just chose not to.

This was also shocking bc I realised how intricate my understanding of physical intimacy was. It was never straightforward and I knew that. But I never thought it would involve me having to fight against these linear, seemingly compulsory, and frankly childish impositions of what I need to tolerate. I don't have to tolerate shit and if somebody assumes that they do, I can't convince them otherwise. I found myself trying to explain the layers of my own sexuality which I'd got together over decades and I didn't enjoy it about a month into a situationship. Even him putting me in that position was off-putting.

He just wouldn't accept why his usual way of going about things wouldn't work on me.

This led to a painful realisation. I literally told him that if I'd been 5 years younger, I'd have taken this all in, performed the role of a good femme girlfriend, his efforts to convince me his intentions had been pure succeeding and me narrowing myself down more as we went along. It would've been a 2-year relationship AT LEAST and it'd end with him and me cursing each other for all the trauma we'd caused. I said, "I'm not in the business of depending on things changing, they never do."

It saddens me to think this is how ppl are taught to start relationships - based on wishful thinking. Mine is magickal thinking, there's a difference.

Then, he talked about how rude I was, saying he'd never do that to anyone. I said, "You mean telling sb when you don't want something?." He said, well pretty much. Apparently if he were me, he'd string me along without me knowing what he actually wanted. I'm not going to berate anyone for this, everyone has their own way, but this feels so fake and so pretentious and control freak-y to me. 1) Why would I subject myself to something I don't want to subject myself to? 2) Why could I not be courageous enough to tell ppl the truth without offending them or berating them? Why is it a no-go to say no to stuff?

It's funny bc I had told him that nothing true and real could hurt me. It apparently went over his head.

Once we had the convo, we went to the afterparty, tried to get in and couldn't, so we had a drink somewhere else. It was good as I felt things were back to normal. Like I can now have a conversation with him if I see him around.

BUT there were just 3 sentences (this is a lot isn't it?) that showed me there was no way back.

"You smoke too much, smoke less." He has no idea how much or how frequently I smoke. What is it to anybody if my way of living doesn't hurt them directly? Again and louder for the ones in the back - my life invites no intrusion.

"I don't like you when you're drunk." Then don't be around me when I'm drunk, it's easy. And if he's not comfortable with something, he can easily let me know. Holding on to it and saying it right after I "broke it up" surely isn't a good look.

"You'll get back together with your ex." Again do I have no agency? Do my words hold no truth? Why would I get myself into SOMETHING I DON'T WANT TO BE IN? This is the biggest red flag as he literally believes he can find himself in situations he doesn't want to be in. Why?

This last point is also significant bc I have this suspicion that this will be the foregone conclusion the whole community around us will have. It'll be a point of conversation how I've been flirting w sb else and my ex flirting with multiple ppl and we still live together - "Oh, they'll get back together." I understand ppl talk and I don't mind it - I know we have an interesting and somewhat "impossible" story - but I'd like to have the power to not be around anyone who'll enjoy holding on to their presumptions about me than what I actually have to say. I'd rather remain a mystery for the narrow-minded.

I am so proud of myself for keeping an eye on myself through all this. My inner child is happy. She feels protected. I'm happier now that it's over than I'd be when it went ahead.

Now I'll have 2 weeks for myself to talk to my feelings, see where they are, and persuade them that yearning for him is the better way to go than having him. I think I'll manage.

Again - I love myself and my love for you more than I love you and it's amazing.

[megbonney]

me after remembering (again) that my only place in any kind of relationship platonic or not is to harbor everyone elses issues and be the therapist and have to mother everyone else around me but it's suddenly surprising when i don't talk about my issues because why would i want to when i should just deal with them myself right bc if i'm the motherfucka everyone wants to traumadump to then i guess i'm alright to just talk to myself right?? and that i'm just the 'funny friend' until something better comes along and i try to introduce people to each other yet i'm always the one left in the dust bc am i really as likeable as everyone says i am if i can't keep anyone? is it rlly worth having friends if i live in constant impostor syndrome because i hold onto my individuality so dear considering anyone i've had close has tried to become me in one way or another and now i can't handle the thought of losing myself all because someone else wants to be me because who even am i if so? i can't take a compliment bc i'm so average and so dumb and so talentless and i have to congratulate everyone else in my life and give them the ego boost they so desperately crave but the minute i achieve anything i get a half assed good job? but i'm smart and talented and resourceful the minute someone needs to use me? it's always 'so weird' that i don't like having anyone close to me yet no one bothers to see it from my fucking perspective do they because...why would they? no one knows what it's like for me nor do they care because i'm simply a replaceable fucking object and the minute you don't need me anymore i just go the fuck away and that's it? i got a bit distracted and went on a different tangent which will stay in the drafts but yeah me when