#bc the pressure the projection the pain of past ignored sacrifices and gaslighting demoralizing killing confidence mother helped build lol

[subtlesolitude-tailoredtaste]

I am at the rock bottom part when it’s the smushed black tar bit on a concrete sidewalk that construction didn’t get to, or missed, or couldn’t be bothered bc it was too much of a bother so they left it.

Thank you God! I’m thankful for where I am, but I am so so open to much more!

I pray for strength, courage, endurance, perseverance, resiliency, grace (to give and receive), clarity, relentlessness, humanity, integrity, clear sincere spirit and soul. I pray I choose myself to save myself, in doing so I will honor my mother bc there is nothing else more I can do now. She is living and miserable and it has been verbalized that I am at the core of this misery (not my fault tho she’s not blaming me tho just gaslighting when she has no place to put the failure the anger the whatever else I have had to decipher and walk on tsar Russian glass fabrige egg shells all alone by myself. I used to have my imagination to cope she ground that like tar on a side walk I used to dream I took care of that by failing bc she failed bc he failed bc they failed.

I pray I get out and move onward upward balanced safe in one piece a new but still foundational me I love og me. I miss her like a sister. Idk if my aborted siblings actually had developed a little longer and they can be angels and are watching me bro bro sis sis or bro and sis or sis and bro please pray we get through this bc I’m having a really hard time. Please God I don’t know what we did in this life but I’m so sorry we e we’ve been trying and it doesn’t seem to be working for 30 + yrs.

Good great Quality of life I pray for. I pray I choose myself and cultivate this. I pray that my mother doesn’t curse me using God. I tried so hard and got so far but in the end it doesn’t even matter.

RIP Chester Bennington, RIP Chris Cornell, RIP Anthony Bourdain, RIP Jas Waters, RIP Robin Williams.