#bc the other option is to be part of the most horrible group of people on the planet

[antiloreolympus]

10 Anti LO Asks

1. wait is arion a human or horse in this comic

From OP: Horse.

2. rachel is really outdoing herself by not just ripping off hercules, but sleeping beauty too. she also got mad people noticed a lot of elements seemed straight ripped from frozen as well awhile back, and obvs the fifty shades rip offs are too obvious to ignore. i realize yes a lot of stories will share tropes and all, but not directly ripped plots like rachel is doing. that's so unprofessional and just lazy.

3. if hera and zeus have to lock away their own child for the sake of making sure persephone stays the pure precious bean she is and is never be ~badly influenced~ by her then thats absolutely insane. was it really too much to let persephone, THE DREAD QUEEN, have any complexity that rachel has resorted to throwing ANOTHER woman under the bus than let her self insert have even one flaw or even choice in the story? how does she keep making up the worst possible options for any of this?

4. Lowkey kinda hate how long it took for a real moment for Hera Hestia and Demeter to be together as sisters. Hera set up Persephone and hades knowing Damn well Hestia and Demeter made her a Candidate for TOGeM. Other than staying a Virgin forever and having temples idk what TOGeM actually does. Like we know why Demeter wants her daughter as a memeber but what’s the actual functionality of the group. Hera just seems like a bad friend/sister for setting up her friends daughter with an older guy just because she felt bad for using that guy as a bad up when he marriage gets bad.

Don’t get me wrong the other cast members suck I’m just singling out Hera right now for her involvement in the plot so far 

5. FP mention

///

Btw the fact that Persephone looks like a teenager for the rest of her life and that she was blessed with beauty TWICE is REALLY fucked up. Like what Rachel wants to say???? That teenage girls are the most attractive??? And we shouldn't blame grown-ass men who wants to date them bc they're so much prettier than grown women??? I really don't understand. Or her double-beauty means that her tits are bigger from everyone else's?? Bc apart from that I don't get why Persephone should be more beautiful than Aphrodite(who tbh also looks terrible here Rachel spares no one with her ugly-ass style) when she's literally looks like a kid.

6. I honestly hope there's a major shakeup at WT (hopefully while RS is on her break) and they adopt a longer break between episodes so not only are they allowed more time to focus on the story but the art as well, but also an overhaul in the payment + benefit system. So many of the creators, even the popular ones, are struggling with horrible hours and no benefits, despite making the company millions. Hell, let them unionize. That would be a huge win and draw for new, better talent to want in too.

7. nah nope those fp spoilers better be fake because thats legit too stupid to be true. like we already know rachel is a shit writer but thats just so bad on so many levels. we know her editor is not getting through to her because they literally have a degree in writing and you know theyd pop a blood vessel over any of this. they must only post the episodes for her because that legit wouldnt pass anyone with two brain cells.hooooly shit.

8. Even beyond how creepy it is Hades refers to Persephone as "Little Goddess"/"Kore" (🤢) it's also so patronizing? Sorry, I don't care how hot Persephone finds him or how meek RS forced her to be, any self respecting woman, no matter how young, wouldn't stand for being disrespected, belittled, and treated like that. Maybe RS can try and excuse it that Persephone IS that young to warrant the comments, but that just brings up the question of why Hades lusting after someone he sees as a child 🤔

9. the funniest part about rachel insisting persephone is the most beautiful goddess ever is that one) ok?? why would that matter?? but also two) every woman looks so carbon copied (minus athena) that even dedicated fans cant tell them apart so that doubly doesnt matter?? like then every woman is the twice blessed over with beauty because none of them look different from each other. idk the whole thing just screams 14 year old's first fanfic over a published comic by a woman pushing 40💀

10. Can someone tell me if Minthe has depth or not and explain why….Cause, I’m arguing with these fans and they’re getting a lil too confident 😑☹️ 

From OP: Kinda?? Like, most of the characters in LO aren’t very deep. So, Minthe having more to her than just “evil love rival/bitter ex” and having BPD can be seen as adding depth to her character. She is very morally grey antagonist and many people tend sympathize with her at times, even if they don’t like her. Someone else can probably elaborate more than I can.

[posi-pan]

so i really don’t like bi being used as an umbrella term (i think it’s super invalidating to the other mspec identities) but i mind it slightly less when like organizations use it bc it seems like a more genuine attempt at inclusivity. when individual people use it tho, it really just reads as a way to shove the rest of us into a neat little box, ya know? probably bc most of the individuals i see use it always seem to have this attitude of “well bi is the umbrella term everything else is just extra or a micro label” (DONT even get me started on that. micro labels are great, but don’t call something a micro label that isn’t one) or “all these other labels are unnecessarily but i guess we can include them to make u feel better/bc u won’t let it go”

i have a love hate relationship with the "bi umbrella" tbh. going through bi history and seeing the genuine inclusion and acceptance of all mspec people in the bi community, not because they're "basically bi" or anything like that, but because of our shared experiences as mspec people and the importance of coming together as a community, regardless of what labels we use, endeared me to it a bit.

but then i see people who use it to erase everything it's supposed to include or to claim non-bi mspec people are "basically bi" or all mspec identities are "types of bisexuality" and i'm just like......fuck that y'all can keep that shit lmao.

generally organizations aren't too horrible with it, but some are. bi dot org tweeted about pan celebs and characters being bi and when corrected, they posted a link to their website's bi umbrella page and then blocked everyone. and they posted a bunch of panphobic and transphobic shit on other social media sites.

so it's not always genuine inclusion from organizations. because websites and social media accounts for organizations are run by individuals who can have shitty opinions. (bi net usa, anyone?)

and then you gotta take into account how many of the organizations who use the bi umbrella talk about other mspec identities without it being an addition to bi or bringing up bi, like conversations about and content for non-bi mspec identities on their own.

i feel like instead of saying bi *is* an umbrella term, it should be bi *can be* an umbrella term. because not every non-bi mspec person wants their identity to be categorized under another, or they don't conceptualize their identity that way, and there's nothing wrong with that and it should be respected.

but there are non-bi mspec people who do think of it that way. or who maybe need or want it to be umbrella term. some people might not be able to find resources and community and groups etc. for their identity, so having access to that of the bi community; having it open to them if they so choose is important. and same for non-bi mspec who want to be part of a wider community, who feel it's important to come together and have solidarity.

so it's kind of just a really layered thing. i think the bi umbrella should be option for those who want or need it, but not a universal or required understanding of mspec identities.

(also to any panphobes who wanna start shit: the concept of the bi umbrella was not created recently or by pan people to "force" our way into bi spaces. the bi community has historically been open to all mspec people, and bi orgs carry that on today. take it up with your own community organizers if you don't want nasty "pannies" in your spaces because it ain't my problem.)

[neverdoingmuch]

hello! I just wanted to ask, which do you think in the mdzs novel has the most questionable morality? like they have done more bad things but they still had kindness in them somehow (?)

oh!! this is a hard one for me anon! i’m always bad at ranking characters but i’ll do my best!  i’m not sure if you were hoping for like a quick answer or a long one but i’m gonna go with a long one bc that’s always fun and i’ll do a tldr if you don’t want to read through all that? yeah that seems like it’ll work because holy shit i didnt mean for it to get so long (and kind of away from the point of your ask too so sorry about that!)

okay! So, the three main contenders for morally dubious characters are, as far as I’ve seen, Xue Yang, Jin Guangyao, and Wei Wuxian. Not a big surprise, I’m sure. While they’re the more obvious options, they do have a lot of parallels and exhibit a lot of the themes and ideas that MXTX was getting at. I mean, I love looking at Jin Guangyao and Wei Wuxian as foils, and even other combinations of the three, so my answer will probably be heavy on the comparisons. I do think it’s worth touching on Jiang Cheng as well though. Also, I’ll try to stay as unbiased as I can because there’s a few characters on this list that I just don’t like … like at all.

Jiang Cheng tends to get brushed over a lot when it comes to some of the horrible things he’s done. From promising to protect Wei Wuxian from dogs only to immediately use them as a threat whenever he wants to to leading a siege on a group of people he knows are completely innocent of any crimes to torturing and killing people for thirteen years, he’s definitely not a good person. His concerns lie first and foremost with himself and his. That doesn’t seem like a horrible thing at first – he should owe his loyalty to himself, his family, and his sect – but it does mean that when the Xuanwu’s cave situation happened, his response was to get mad that Wei Wuxian helped Jin Zixuan and Lan Wangji. (And that’s why Jiang Fengmian got mad at him!). Later on, when pressure comes from the sects regarding Wei Wuxian, Jiang Cheng chooses not to stand with him, which, while understandable, isn’t exactly a kind move to someone who called Jiang Cheng his family and was trying to repay the debt the two of them owed Wen Qing. There’s no denying that he does care about Wei Wuxian, but when forced to make hard choices, he picks what’s easiest for himself. In general, I’d say that his sense of morality is selfish and somewhat flighty, but not necessarily questionable, so I’ll move on!

For the usual suspects, I’ll start with Xue Yang because I’m just going to immediately eliminate him from the running. I’ve seen people interpret his character sympathetically or try to justify some of his actions or the way he turned out, but I honestly just can’t. While you could feel sympathetic towards him because of his childhood, we have Wei Wuxian as a direct contrast to Xue Yang, as well as, to a certain degree, Jin Guangyao. Both Xue Yang and Wei Wuxian were street kids who had a horrible time in their youth, but Wei Wuxian was able to leave that behind him. That’s a lot easier to do when you’ve been adopted into a major sect and afforded comforts above your station (and also have terrible coping mechanisms), but even Jin Guangyao’s revenge isn’t quite as wide-spread and malicious. I know it may seem a bit obvious, anon, but some people really do try and treat Xue Yang like he’s morally dubious which confuses me a lot because how?? Even if we do say that he has suitable cause, one of the messages of the novel is that your past experiences don’t justify your future actions, so even within the context of the novel – a novel which is concerned with highlighting the grey areas of morality – Xue Yang isn’t afforded any sympathy. So, there’s really no way to construe him in a positive light. His only moments of kindness come with his time spent in Yi City with Xiao Xingchen, where Xue Yang doesn’t change much – he may have cared for Xiao Xingchen, but Xue Yang still tortured him as he did so. I never quite read that arc as Xue Yang learning to care or being allowed to be kind again so I’d just say that he lacks both morals and kindness. On that basis we can boot him from this competition. 

Jin Guangyao may have been one of the antagonists of the novel, but he wasn't a completely bad person or like The Worst. His main crimes involved getting revenge for slights against him or his mother – being from Nie Mingjue, Jin Guangshan, or any number of other cultivators. I think that, to an extent, his actions are justifiable. While you can contrast this to the way Wei Wuxian gets called a servant's son, they do differ in the fact that Wei Wuxian is afforded a higher level of protection due to him being favoured by Jiang Fengmian. Additionally, when Wei Wuxian does have his birth used against him, he's usually the person who acted out first anyway. Jin Guangyao was insulted for doing little more than exist and was never the person to act out first, yet still faced a near constant onslaught of insults. I'm not saying his actions were justified by any means, but the reasoning behind his actions is sound. The one thing I will note is that he doesn't let go of his grudges – even when everything is all done and dusted and he has everything that he could possibly want from life, he still holds onto that hatred. I remember seeing a post where someone mentioned that characters who were able to move on and change for the better were able to get their happy ending in MDZS, which isn't relevant here but definitely applies to Jin Guangyao when thinking about why he got the ending he did. I don't agree with the degree to which he enacted his revenge against certain characters and I loathe the whole Qin Su situation. I don't care how much he cries about it, he could've at least told her, but I mainly just pretend that part didn't exist. So, he has suitable cause for at least some of his actions, and his other victims can just be classified as necessary collateral rather than being intentional innocent targets, if that makes sense, but he's definitely vindictive and spiteful.

On the other hand, he did a lot of good, too. He's a side character for the most part so Jin Guangyao didn't get the most screen-time, but we do hear of some of the good things he's done. The main example would probably be the watchtowers. One of the interesting things about Jin Guangyao and Wei Wuxian is that while both of them are capable of kindness, the breadth and scope of Jin Guangyao's is much broader – the watchtowers are an idea that not only showcase how Jin Guangyao's upbringing allows him to see flaws in the cultivation world that the other privileged cultivators can't, but also show how he does care about the people. I've seen a few people try and play it as a spying technique but I don’t really believe that in the slightest. I mean, the point of the towers is to cover the areas where the sects aren't, so I have no idea what Jin Guangyao's people would even be spying on. Anyway, setting up those watchtowers really didn't benefit him any specific way – unless you consider him endearing himself to Lan Xichen and garnering a good reputation with the common folk something that outweighs the absolute nightmare it would have been to make the sects participate in the project to begin with. In a more specific case, Jin Ling's dog was given to him by Jin Guangyao. It's interesting that, despite Jin Ling spending the novel being trailed by Jiang Cheng, the gift that he obviously cares for deeply is from Jin Guangyao. In the Guanyin Temple scene I definitely got the sense that Jin Ling had loved and trusted Jin Guangyao before the truth came out so I'm firmly convinced that he would've been a wonderful and conscientious uncle to him and just generally good to the people who worked for him and/or the commoners.

Okay, now Wei Wuxian!! As far as I've seen, people are relatively good at staying true to his questionable sense of morality. Like with Jin Guangyao, we know that he can be vindictive and pretty excessive when it comes to getting his revenge, but I'm not going to deny that I was definitely rooting for him when he went after Wen Chao and his little gang. The main issue with Wei Wuxian is probably the demonic cultivation – the stigma against it tends to get reduced to it being bad for the user and their temperament etc. etc., but there's more to it than that. I'm no expert on Daoism by any means, but from my understanding desecration of corpses and disturbing the dead is a significant cultural taboo. This isn't just Wei Wuxian doing something no one else can do (though it certainly is true), it's also him doing something no one else should do. I've seen the massacre at Nightless City being added as another tally to his list of crimes, but I honestly think that that isn’t a crime worth adding – he needed to defend himself so he did, simple as that. 

As I mentioned above, Wei Wuxian's kindness is a bit more specific – where Jin Guangyao cares for the people, Wei Wuxian cares for individuals. We see his kindness more clearly, be it because he's the main character or be it because actions are clearer and stronger when it's for a single person or a small group. It's a bit easier, in my opinion, to care about people when you don't have to live with them and face them every day, but Wei Wuxian does. Even though Wei Wuxian led a lot more comfortable life than Jin Guangyao, we never really see Jin Guangyao get his hands dirty in the same way Wei Wuxian does. When a sacrifice needs to be made, Wei Wuxian’s the one who makes it. He doesn't relegate, he does it himself. We know that he would do absolutely anything for those he cares about and that's why he's able to commit a lot of the atrocities he does.

When it comes to deciding between Jin Guangyao and Wei Wuxian for most questionable morality, I think we need to look at the reasons behind their actions. Wei Wuxian’s sense of morality is definitely nowhere near that of the Lans but he has always been driven by his sense of justice and his love for those around him. In that sense, I've always read him as having a flexible sense of morality rather than a questionable one. I'm not sure how much of it ties in with his sense of duty, but it's definitely a lot. Wei Wuxian is, and always will, fill the role that is required of him – be it the childish and sweet younger brother, the talented but flippant older brother, the monster that wins the war, or the fierce protector that gives his all, Wei Wuxian will twist himself into whatever position he's needed in at that moment. Obviously, he went after Wen Chao for his own benefit, and the corrupting influence of the resentful energy does need to be factored into this, but at his core, Wei Wuxian will always value his duty (to his sect, family, friends, and innocents) and doing what is right over anything else. He may have stumbled along the way, but he did manage to form his own path to uphold all the values that he wanted to. Jin Guangyao, on the other hand, is similar to Jiang Cheng in how he's driven by his own motivations for betterment and revenge, albeit with more grace and intelligence. Jin Guangyao may masquerade as being motivated by any number of causes but he will never do anything at his own risk, and he will always be his top priority. So, while it's a close call between Wei Wuxian and Jin Guangyao, I'm going to have to go with Jin Guangyao on this one!

tldr; the fandom favourites for questionable morality are xy, jgy, and wwx so i mainly looked at them. I included jc as well but neither xy or jc demonstrate the dichotomy needed so they got eliminated from the running. Jgy and wwx both commit and are willing to commit horrible crimes as well as being capable of caring for others and being kind. but, where wwx is driven by his sense of justice and love for others, jgy is driven by his own motivations for betterment and revenge, making for a more questionable morality (as compared to wwx's more flexible morality).

[skimblyshanks]

Negativity and me rambling about discoursey topics below the cut. feel free to keep scrolling. Actually, I encourage it ilaushdfhasd Have a great day!

I want to talk bluntly here.

I know I probably come off like a jackass nowadays, and I don’t want to, but at the end of the day there’s a group of ppl who are going to continue spreading lies about people based on what they ship, how they read characters, or literally anything that they disagree on, and they don’t listen when you try and explain anything.

so I’m kinda tired and grumpy and I genuinely try not to address it because I know no one who i want to get through to will listen, but also I feel like if I don’t just make a big old post whining about it there will probably be more of those small, whinier posts that I delete after an hour or so. But anyway. People are going to call me and my friemds horrible things, and they’re not going to listen if we try and defend ourselves. Which. Old news. Already found that out last July-August.

Guess what? I was here last year. I missed most of the first drama of the year, that being Kittencourse 1.0, but I was dragged along for the ride every other time. And it was anti-shippers starting those dramas, every time. I probably wouldn’t have lebelled myself as anything if not for the fact that for half a year bullies were throwing around their weight and justifying it by being antis, even when their opponents were doing nothing wrong.

I was here when someone was harassed for months over a fanfiction. this person wasn’t some huge presence in the fandom; the fanfic wasn’t some bastion of the fandom. I don’t think most of us knew either person or fic until antis decided it would be fun to fuck with the account for months on end.

I began identifying as pro ship because at least the pro shippers didn’t seem to be going out of their way to be nasty.

You know the funny thing? For a long while the most problematic thing I shipped was Tugger  shanks. Even now, the most problematic thing I ship is Munku  pounce, which I will not hesitate to tell you is a comfort ship, as pounce is one of my comfort characters. Any other ship is between kittens and those in the nebulous young adult range, which doesn’t seem to match the Anti Council’s definition of problematic, given many of them had no issue following a blog openly labelling itself as pro ship when the spiciest ship was Pounce/Plato.

And that’s the other thing. I’ve been very open on this blog about being pro ship.

Every time I got a wave of followers who seemed v likely to be anti-shippers, I reblogged posts explaining my stance and hopefully making it clear that I was pro ship. Regardless, I ended up having these followers for months; I didn’t block them bc many of them didn’t make it clear either way what they felt, so I dared to assume they were alright following a pro shipper. Then of course a few months later: a pro ship DNI, maybe some soapboxing, and more than once this has been while they are still following me.

And the fact is, it doesn’t matter what I try to explain.

It doesn’t matter how many posts I reblog trying to explain what it means when I use the term pro ship.

It doesn’t matter if I say that incest ships aren’t really it for me.

It doesn’t matter if I say the kittens are not young children to me.

It wouldn’t matter if I compiled every instance of kitten characters being provocative or taking part in sexually charged numbers.

It doesn’t matter that what we’re talking about here are fictional anthro cats played by adults.

It doesn’t matter because antis have already made up their mind and don’t want to hear otherwise.

It wouldn’t help if I changed labels because the label isn’t the issue, it’s the opposition to antis and their mentality. If I changed labels, they’d simply transfer the baggage they’ve given pro ship onto whatever I had chosen instead.

And I don’t think there’s going to be a middle ground reached because both sides are coming at media differently.

Yes, Pro shippers are alright with people having ships between characters who are related, ships with large age gaps, and, yes, even ships between adult characters and child characters. Because this is fiction we’re talking about. No one real is being harmed by this ship existing. The threat of grooming with these ships exists for all ships, all fandoms, all pieces of media, and all things that can be used to gain a victim’s trust.

Also, you don’t know why anyone ships what they do. You don’t know why anyone has the headcanons they do. I think it’s well-documented by now that there are survivors on all sides of this discourse, so that much should be clear. Telling those who do use these more controversial ships or headcanons to cope that they ought to be doing it in private is not only callous but disingenuine, as antis have, multiple times, gone into private spaces and leaked all content thereof so they could call out those within the group.

As it applies to this fandom, I don’t believe I’ve seen any potentially triggering ship in the main tags. Most of us who do ship controversial ships are aware people don’t like them. We provide tags to block, and of course users can be blocked as well.

Speaking of which.

I know who blocks me back. It shows a specific icon when a block is mutual. I assure you very few antis block me, even when they say they do.

Listen.

The truth is, at the end of the day, this is a blog for a musical about cats. I’ve shifted away from interacting with most users, partly so i don’t end up with more followers who end up antis, and partly so other, neutral users don’t end up catching flack for interacting with me.

And yeah, it is true that the current fandom climate is hilariously hostile to several ships that were popular for decades beforehand. It is true that antis have double standards. That their hypocrisy is easy to point out. That’s true of antis and fandoms in general.

But also. No one outside this fandom gives a shit what any of us are shipping, really. We’re all weirdos to them. The block button is right there; the filtering option is right there, Xkit and its blacklisting tool are right there. Yet there are still these dumb as shit outbursts and fearmongering and soapboxing.

And I’m Tired.

I’m tired moreso by general antidom.

There are multiple compilations of anti shippers being horrible people over ships and fiction, and sometimes even just because they think someone is a pro shipper, even if they aren’t. I’ve had many urges to link them, to share them, but often I think about the trigger warnings it would require and I lose steam; I don’t want to share that stuff with my followers.

And I’m Tired.

I’m tired that the same stupid points of drama are probably going to get resurrected again. At least this time I have most of them blocked.

But, yeah.

I’m Tired.

[toxicsamruby]

1/3 okay yeah i agree with you that we should think about it and dissect and criticize the racial themes in spn (in media in general OFC, which i assumed went without saying but i guess it doesn't bc not everyone thinks about race in media 24/7 like some do. like, to clarify, i didn't mean to imply we should /ever/ ignore it). I think the term that set me off is "engage," b/c if we're equating "engaging" with race to "engaging" with gender&sexuality, such that we look at it, we poke at and

2/3 expand it, and, yeah, remain critical of it but also *forgive it* (!), that just doesn't seem okay. there's literally no situation in which racism is ever acceptable or redeemable, in or out of supernatural context. it's just not, and i don't want to see it normalized the way homophobia or misogyny has been normalized in these conversations (from what I've seen). but you're definitely right that deconstructing and interrogating (which i thought was good word choice btw) in the mainstream is

3/3 something we have to push more for (which, sidenote, this community--meaning, this specific spn tumblr corner--is great place to start that in because--again, at least from what I've seen--i don't see a lot of people contributing monetarily to this franchise like traditional/mainstream fanbases, and i would be skeptical of white people that are aware of deep racism in a text and still choose to fund it).

i don’t think i ever implied that viewing and analyzing supernatural thru the lens of race would ever constitute forgiving it?? really what i meant to say w that post was that analysis of race and eugenics in supernatural is good bc it’s an extremely relevant microcosm of american attitudes about the Other and i think that that’s a really worthy and interesting discussion to have. whereas a lot of people treat criticism of racism in supernatural as like a chore or a checklist of characters/plot points to condemn when it’s something much deeper and more fleshed out than that, and the fact that a lot of white fans do approach criticism of racism in that way When at the same time they’re able to have such thoughtful and compassionate dialogues abt gender and sexuality re: white characters...its weird and it reduces conversations about racism to “discourse” when it should be an ongoing, active, and interesting conversation.

i also want to answer what you said in the last part of this ask, about monetary contributions to the franchise. first of all, this is absolutely a very traditional/mainstream fanbase, like basically Thee First traditional/mainstream fanbase, and the fact is that regardless of the (nevertheless substantial) monetary contributions of fans to the franchise, the primary currency that we’re all giving to supernatural right now is buzz. like all jokes aside i think we all need to come to terms w the fact that the confession and the finale were a calculated move on the cw’s part, not a great meta romance or a clumsy accident of bad writing. a group of professionals sat down and asked each other how they could maximize buzz for the conclusion of a show that, in many ways, has really failed in the last few years, and what they realized was that a concession to the shippers who kept their show alive AND a refusal to make their conservative action hero gay, in that combination, would do exactly that. and it worked! it’s the most shrewd marketing i’ve ever seen in my life! and it led to a revival of supernatural in pop culture. the publicity, the buzz, the social media presence, the impassioned arguing of fans online over what’s canon and what isn’t, all of this was the goal.

i know this was a tangent, but my point is this: the marketing strategy, at the end, wasn’t to convince everybody to collectively get up and buy merch and stream it legally, it was to generate as much viral content as they possibly could, and it worked. so right now what we’re all doing is cementing supernatural in pop culture history, which again was the goal. so at this point, just saying “well, we’re not contributing any money, at least” really isn’t enough. i truly think that it is important, on a macro level, that supernatural is established not as the greatest queerbait (or love story, whichever side of the aisle you fall on) in history but the biggest artistic failure television has ever produced. in its dna it’s racist and it’s homophobic and it’s misogynistic and to allow it to become this legendary fixture without the proper criticisms attached is (and has been) a horrible failure of (white) fan culture. making these in depth criticisms and ATTACHING those criticisms to all discussion of the show, making it impossible for anybody to be involved in the fanbase without being forced to seriously think about those criticisms, is the only thing that still-active fans can do to rectify that failure (aside from just allowing supernatural to fade into obscurity, which is obviously the first best option, but i think that ship has sailed at this point).

[asterekmess]

I've started reading Sterek fic again after years away from fandom (purely because of your posts btw) and there is an alarming number of Stiles being pushed/kicked out of the pack and treated horribly but he still goes out of his way to help and forgives all with random Sterek thrown in at the end. I did not miss that nonsense at all. Why is that so popular?

That’s very sweet of you, and I’m happy that you’ve found a love of fic again!

So, this trope. I...I love this trope. A lot of fans do, obviously.

I’mma put this under a read more, just because I tend to ramble.

First off, I’m sure you’ve noticed that there’s a lot of...side-splitting within the sterek fandom? At least, for those of us who aren’t fans of Scott. You see a lot of “Hale Pack” versus “McCall Pack” stuff. A lot of that comes about because people don’t like that Derek lost his Alpha status (I definitely don’t like it) but also because Derek never actually joins Scott’s pack. He is always on the fringes, whether because he gets put there or because he puts himself there. It’s not hard to separate him from Scott’s group, because he was never a part of it to begin with.

For Sterek shippers, we usually want Stiles to be in Derek’s pack (some people who don’t mind Scott, or even like him, also like to make Stiles a sort of bridge between the two packs? Belonging to both and neither at the same time?) but that is kind of difficult to make when it’s so much more specific in canon about Stiles being in Scott’s pack.

I’ve seen lots of people argue that Scott never had an actual ‘pack’, just a group of friends, or that Lydia and Stiles were never part of his pack, and I don’t know enough meta to say whether that’s right or not.

I do know that throughout the show, Stiles (whether we like it or not) considers Scott his best friend. Many fans of Derek can’t reconcile Derek and Scott ever being close friends because of their history together, and that creates a sort of break. How can Stiles be friends with someone his partner hates, and how can he date someone his best friend hates?

So, writers do their best to separate Stiles from Scott’s pack within their fic. Sometimes it involves the rest of the pack also dispersing and Scott getting left alone, and sometimes the rest of the pack sticks with Scott and Stiles and Derek go off to be their own pack.

When it comes to Stiles getting ‘kicked out’ of the pack, I think it’s important to note that part of that is just the hurt/comfort of it all. How many of us have been cut out of friend groups, or family groups, and had to make our own way and wished there was someone on the outside who would take us in? So, we write that happening, giving Stiles that dream we wish for by having Derek help get Stiles back on his feet, or support him so thoroughly that he never hits the ground in the first place.

Another part has to do with how much more difficult and convoluted it can be to write him peacefully leaving Scott’s pack (since we’ve already established that in these situations, Stiles staying in Scott’s pack is a no-go). There’s so much more to explain when he’s still buddies with everyone and just...leaves anyway? Of course, it can be (and has been) done, but a lot of writers don’t want to put in the extra effort (I am one of them, tbqh).

Another part has surely come about from that scene in the rain. For a lot of Stiles fans, this was the absolute breaking point. Stiles had been kicked out of the pack (I haven’t seen the actual episode myself, so I try v hard not to bring it up in meta, bc I don’t know what the fuck I’m on about) and it became a catalyst for a lot of fics that show Stiles getting shoved away, put on the edges so much like Derek had been, and the two of them finding each other instead.

Now, on to the point of your message. The cases where the trope ends with Stiles forgiving Scott and whoever else was involved in him getting removed from the pack. Obviously, this would be a case by case basis. Every writer has their own reasons and we can only speculate most of the time about why they wrote something a specific way.

Some people like Scott, and want to see him grow. So they use the fic to work out their frustrations with his and Stiles’ uneven friendship, and end it with some forgiveness and leave the characters with the chance to grow back into better friends. Some people like those around Scott and don’t want to have to leave them out of the rest of the story just because they’re part of Scott’s pack and Stiles has left. So, even if they don’t particularly want Scott to be Stiles’ Alpha, they still want Stiles to be able to be close to and interact with Scott’s pack, which requires a bit of forgiveness. Another option, is related to how people perceive Stiles himself. We all project on Stiles’ character a lot, I think. Whether it’s projecting our own personality or just the personality we wish we had, we all do it, so we’ve all got very different perceptions of Stiles’ personality and behaviors.

Some see Stiles as ruthless, take-no-shit badass who will destroy you if you piss him off. The kind of genius who would hack into the local police department and screw with your permanent record. Most of the time, those ‘kinds’ of Stiles’ don’t do any forgiving, and usually they get some kind of revenge. Some see him as a really sensitive, broken, love-starved guy who just wants some fucking friends, damn it. Who would give anything for them and is always willing to help others, even strangers, because being helpful is just so integral to his character. Those ‘kinds’ of Stiles’ usually go running back into the fight to save people who’ve screwed him over, they forgive and they forget because they don’t know how to do anything else. Some people (myself included) see Stiles as a very broken and insecure guy. Not insecure about his body (though, yeah, I’ve written some stuff where he is) or about his own intelligence, but insecure about his relationships with other people. Also, as someone very loyal, to the point of immorality. They see Stiles as a guy with a select group of people that he actually gives a fuck about, and for those people? He is ride-or-die, with you to the end of the line, step into gasoline for you loyal. In those cases, Stiles often forgives people because he can’t bear the thought of not having this person in his life anymore, he isn’t capable of letting go, even if it’s for good reason. He helps them because they’ve been burned into his heart and he cannot watch them hurt or suffer. They are family, and he will burn the world down for them, even if he also kind of hates them?

So, there’s lots of reasons that he would do that, but I understand how frustrating it can be to see it over and over again, especially when you’re really displeased with certain characters (ethan or aiden or scott or peter, etc). The best I can suggest is to block certain tags. Using Scott as an example, rather than searching only for “Scott is a bad friend”  or “Scott is a bad Alpha” fics, which would massively cut down on the available fics for you, while also missing ones that may have that content without it being tagged, instead try blocking the opposite tag, so that at least you won’t be getting the fics that have “Scott is a good friend” or “Scott is a good alpha” as a main point of the fic. Again, this will definitely miss some, and you’ll still end up with untagged instances of it, but it will definitely cut down on it. Took me ages to actually think to do it, but I’ve been much happier reading fics since then.

[effyeffa]

how did you decide for sure that you wanted to drop out? and was it hard adapting to your new major? im also kind of worried about feeling like i'd feel as if im dragging behind bc i already did two years and if i change majors I'll be with ppl younger than me so yeah

right this is gonna be a long answer so I’ll put it under a cut!

ok so first of all i spent three full years in med school i know how you feel. it literally doesn’t matter. like that’s just a mindset you have to adapt time does not matter you can start smth new any time! i’ve met so many ppl who like started studying at 30 and one of my family’s close friends got another degree at like 60 it’s NO big deal. and if your experience has been anything like mine those years weren’t wasted either, i’m sure you learned many important things! i’ll never look back on that time bitterly because i did enjoy so much of it. ultimately i had to make a decision for my future which i rarely do and it was very hard, yes, but it took such a huge weight off my shoulders. i think the final straw for me was when a professor asked me in the middle of a practical exam whether i thought this was the right path for me (because for a multitude of reasons i was quite literally crying with my hands in a dead body asdsgjkhgfh) which was horrible and unproductive but it did remind me the environment i had put myself into. like that’s just what it’s like in the medical field and it’s not just med school i see my friends now who start working at hospitals and come home crying almost every day because of the disrespectful way their superiors treat them. i mean i’m sure there’s medical systems in other countries that work better but that’s what it’s like here (germany) and in many other places as well i’m sure. i used to romanticise that shit so hard. like, insane levels of glorification of the overworked career machines who numb themselves and are proud of that numbness are fed to us daily by stupid procedurals on tv!! and once i realised i was only dreaming up a job that never existed in real life making that decision became a little easier. the biggest struggle for me was i actually loved working the clinic (interning with the nurses) but i was once again glorifying such an unhealthy inhumane work environment that could only ever make me happy short term and would be unsurvivable long term. 

adapting to the BA program i’m in now was difficult but only in the sense that I’ve always had difficulties with the constricts of academia (which for sure wasn’t helpful in med school) but after my first exams i very quickly realised i’d be able to do this, and that navigating those issues i have is much easier when the subject actually excites me, i think that’s the biggest difference. now i enjoy the process, i’m not working for some imaginary goal at the end of an endless tunnel. and i immediately found my people as well which was much harder in med school! which i think that’s such an important part of this, surrounding yourself with people who inspire you to learn more outside of uni. in med school i felt like year after year i just got dumber because i was so drained, wasn’t reading any books for fun or getting ANY other input than all the things we had to memorise brainlessly. and there were so, so, so many other people who changed majors a million times and were starting over again, i think it’s becoming much more common, especially in the humanities. nobody ever made me feel out of place for being a few years older because most other subjects are much more mixed groups anyways. 

i think making that decision was a lot like... not to sound cliché but i was drowning and i needed to do that to be able to breathe again. something that helped me tremendously was talking to other people who had dropped out (thank god i already gravitated towards those ppl back then for SOME reason lol) and then quietly researching other options, really asking myself what I’d want to study, and coming up with a plan before sharing with more people.

i hope this helps a little! 

[edo-vivendum]

My Past Two Years 11/2019

I wanna tell yall the briefish version of my past two years. Two years ago, I was doing okay. I proudly identified as 99% recovered from the eating disorder which I'd done IOP treatment for twice. Yet at the same time, I was in a rigid daily routine and maintaining a "healthy" yet artificially low weight (though I didn't realize this). But I was doing way better than I had in high school or in my first two semesters of college. However, I was finding myself fairly frequently overwhelmed with emotional flashbacks, and I decided I was stable enough and ready to finally dig deeper in therapy and delve into my childhood traumas.

I was very wrong. I was far from stable enough to do outpatient trauma work. I managed to fight my eating disorder thoughts and urges through the spring semester, but the signs were there: I was slipping. I was crying most days at lunch. I was lying, arguing over food, skipping meals. Things I'd promised myself I'd never do again. Finals week I told myself I had to follow an old meal plan: I needed energy to perform well in my tests, tests which would replace lower grades from days and weeks during the semester when I just couldn't gather the energy to study. And I did it, I finished the semester with all A's, a feat that was quickly overshadowed by my rapidly disintegrating mental and physical health.

During this period of time, my thoughts were obsessively suicidal, but only when I was eating (adequately). And so I stopped. It seemed safer, a temporary delve into my eating disorder in order to stay alive. Seems fair? I was terrified I'd accidently kill myself. I was so overcome with shame and guilt. I thought I'd be able to just turn my eating disorder off again the moment I was ready. But it didn't work like that.

My mental health was overpowering my sheer will power, and I quickly found myself deeper in my eating disorder than I had been in years. And unlike in high school, my body couldn't take it for months and months on end. I found myself in the ER and was told that I couldn't do IOP anymore, that the lowest level of care that was ethically appropriate when I was a medical risk was PHP, and so I did PHP (a day program). I couldn't think straight, ever. My thoughts were hazy. I couldn't concentrate. It was like being dissociated constantly, except it was there even when I wasn't. And as an all A student, a girl who (at that time) found my confidence only in my intellect, I was terrified. But I was also terrified I'd accidently kill myself if I stopped restricting. But, regardless, I ate my meals in program, arguing and debating over every bite. Then curling up and crying. I stayed alive for the swim team I coach during the summer. I coached in the morning then headed to PHP for the rest of the day. And those kids brought me so much joy. They kept me alive. Them and my guilt. The thought of damaging the lives of everyone around me by ending my own made me so guilty.

Eventually, somehow, I graduated, stepped down to IOP again, and only had groups for a three hours 3 days a week (rather than 6 hrs 6x/week). But then one day they challenged my rigidity. They told me I couldn't bring plain rice with 1 tsp of butter + chik'N (vegan) nuggets + steamed broccoli + a cheese stick. It met my meal plan. Precisely. And they said it was disordered. (it was). They asked me to add ketchup to my nuggets. Something overcame me, and I couldn't do it. I cried so much that night that they pulled me out of the room and had me sit individually with someone. "This is not an IOP response." It wasn't. And suddenly I realized that I had never been recovered, that my rigidity was part of my eating disorder, that I had MILES of work to do, and it was too much. I couldn't do it (at that point in time). I felt so defeated. And I didn't know what to do. And in my defeat, my urges became harder to fight, and my intake once again decreased dangerously.

PHP was suggested again, but I was skeptical. If it didn't work before, why would it work now? My outpatient therapist mentioned to me that residential treatment was only a slightly higher level of care than php. I started looking into options. I felt like a fraud. I wasn't underweight. I wasn't physically at risk to myself (my team and my current self disagree with that). But I didn't think I needed it. But part of me found hope in the idea. What if I could go somewhere and receive ED treatment and trauma treatment at the same time? Somewhere where I'd be safe from myself? In my head, the options seemed to be : (1) die (2) starve myself until I die (3) go to residential treatment, give it my all, and try to recover.

And so I picked option 3. I felt like a fraud, but my insurance covered it. I did my research, and I picked Monte Nido River Towns in New York City suburbs. Within two weeks, I was flying up there. I was terrified, but I was ready to work.

It was harder than I ever imagined. I was so scared. Never before had I lost so much control over my food. I got no say in what was in front of me other than my choice of three food items i could exclude. I picked Brussel sprouts and red meat (and later added raw onions as a third bc the chef overdid it on the onions every time). Monte Nido was stricter than my local program in so many ways, but they were also more supportive. For the first time, I was able to begin to explore my past. I was able to start healing. While there, I realized I was sicker than I could have previously admitted. Most of the clients there were at healthy weights (many of whom has anorexia or atypical Anorexia diagnoses). My bloodwork was a mess. I was having heart palpitations nearly daily. My sodium was low, and my water intake was restricted in order to level my sodium. I realized I'd been overhydrating previously, and it felt like I was withdrawing from a drug. I was always thirsty, overheating, dry throat. It was terrible, but after a few days, I adjusted to drinking only 64 ounces of water a day (I know that's such a normal amount lolll I have no clue how much it was before!!).

My insurance only covered 30 days, and I wasn't ready. I discharged to a PHP in Boston also owned by Monte Nido. I stayed in their supportive housing and did a month and a half of php. It helped. I slowly improved some. I became more stable with meal plan compliance. I started to realize how bad my family was for me. It was only in their absence that I began to flourish. I was preparing my own food outside of program. I did another month and half of IOP in Boston, and then in November, about one year ago, I came home to continue IOP at my local program.

And things became stagnant. I would have a good week and then two bad weeks. Things were stable enough to not need PHP again, but not stable enough to discharge. But I couldn't stay in IOP forever, and after 5 months, they discharged me.

I knew I wasn't ready, but I was determined to try to make it work. I knew I couldn't stay in IOP forever. But I wanted so badly to recover, and I was so scared I'd fall backwards.

So I did pretty well for about a month, then slowly things started slipping. I'm not sure what happened per say. I think I was probably brute forcing it, and I couldn't keep it up. I decided to go back to IOP, not in the full program, just twice a week, sort of a tune up. That was the plan anyways.

I did an assessment on a Monday, started that evening. I was to come back on Thursday. Tuesday, I went to my parents, and for whatever reason, my brother told me that it was my fault that I was bullied.

I spiraled. It triggered shame and guilt. It triggered my own belief that it was my fault. As though all my work had come undone, I was suicidal again.

I tried to hold it together. My therapist talked to me on the phone countless times over that week, but on Saturday afternoon, I asked my boyfriend to take me to the hospital. I didn't feel safe with myself. I was scared to be in the bathroom alone.

The hospital was a horrible experience. It was my second time in a psych hospital, and this time was by far the worst. There were 38 women in a small unit. We spent all our time in a day room that definitely was not designed for 38 people. Most of the people there were detoxing and were sporatic and loud and... Terrifying to me with PTSD from being bullied and verbally abused by peers and teachers. Staff were verbally abusive. Finally, after what felt like a year but was only six days, I left the hospital. My suicidality had been quite literally scared out of me, but my anxiety was 10/10 constantly. I felt unsafe. I was shaking consistently for an entire week. Even now, I start shaking thinking about it.

My therapist suggested residential trauma treatment at a place in Florida called the Refuge. They had an eating disorder program as well, so they would be able to take me (as most places just straight up won't take you if you have an ED but most ED places don't do real trauma work either). Anyways, this place was amazing. I was there for two months, and I grew so much. I was surrounded by support. The ED part of the program was pretty relaxed, which in some ways was good but in other ways let me act out through my eating while doing trauma work. But they kept me contained enough that I was very safe physically. I was so emotionally supported; I don't even have the words for it. My program therapist gave me new understanding of myself. She tested and diagnosed me with Asbergers and taught me that some aspects of my rigidity were likely because of asbergers and not because of my ED —that it was OK if my recovery looked a little different than other people's recovery. I was able to share in groups about my childhood, and I received a ton of validation and support for traumas that I perceived as not worthy of being traumatized by. I was supported and respected and made a ton of progress in respecting and supporting myself.

I discharged back into the shitty ass local iop program. I needed to refocus on the food aspect just a little and get back on track with food. I had a little weight I needed to gain in order to be at my own set point. Blah blah. Etc.

This program has been such a mess. My case manager told me everyone walked on eggshells around me. When I advocated for myself, I was told I was being needy. Then they told me I had to discharge because I was refusing to learn to cope with emotions despite the fact that my outpatient team and I both agree that I'd made huge progress. Before going to the refuge, the experience would have been triggering, but instead it became an opportunity for me to prove to myself just how resilient I have become. I finally discharged IOP last week, and this time, I actually feel ready.

I've been meal plan compliant for months. I've been actively using coping skills and managing situations more effectively than I ever have before. I have made so so so much progress; and I can say, today, I am happy to be alive. I haven't had a suicidal thought since being home from the Refuge. I haven't self-harmed since September. I still have work to do, but I can also accept where I'm at while I'm doing that work. Life is good. I am confident I can keep this up for months, even years.

[alphonseelriic]

3, 4, 10, 11, 12, 17, 20, 21, 26, 31 :)

3. rant. just do it

Ok, maybe this will be a little mean but can someone....tell native english speakers that no one cares about jap sub vs eng dub discourse except themselves? Like, they are sooo tiring and at the end of the day it's just a matter of personal preference... The people who feel superior for watching subs are dumb/pretentious and I won't defend them, but also some of the arguments in favor of dubs kinda make me salty bc they come from a place of such privilege, like "some people don't like reading subtitles" or "some people prefer consuming media in their own language", and yeah i'm not saying they aren't valid but it's obvious those things only apply to english speakers bc the rest of the world does not have the freedom to choose most of the time. This is speacially bad outside of anime, like what happened with Parasite. So many entitled americans bitching about having to see a foreign film.....s h u t u p

4. do you think its ok to separate the artist from the art?

Oh, this is a complex one. I think it depends on the situation. You always have to think critically of the media you consume, specially if the person who created it ended up being an asshole. Mostly because their ideology could be inside that media in a subliminal way, or you could end up supporting them without wanting to. I also think it's important to look at time periods. Personally I don't believe it's bad to, for example, read a book from a problematic author who has been dead for 200 years, it's not like your purchase will give them any money lol and at the end of the day pretty much all authors from other centuries have been some kind of -ist or -phobic 🤷🏻‍♀️ If the author is alive then that's a different story. Supporting artists who are well known for being horrible or, even worse, excusing their actions is not something I condone. You can always find a way of consuming their media without giving them money if you really want to (pirating is a good option :p). So yeah, I'm not gonna be policing ppl and telling them what they can or cannot like, but all of this is somethins I take into consideration while consuming media myself (for example, JK Rowling's stupidity and hatefulness these recent years have killed the little love I had left for HP...)

10. name a dog

So...any dog? How could I choose between so many good boys? Well, i'll say Black Hayate for fictional dog, and Maya (mayapolarbear on IG) for irl dog bc I love her.

11. what unusual talent do you have?

Well, my friends used to say I could "speak whale" like in Finding Nemo bc I can deepen my voice a lot. I also can bend my fingers in a really weird way (my fingers are the only flexible part of my body). I think my most useful talent is being able to "drag" my writing while making papers/essays/etc in a believable way, so I can say something in 20 words while other people say it in 5, it comes in handy.

12. what's the most interesting schools gossip you've ever heard?

Oh boy, there were some wild rumors at my school. I think the one that caugh my attention the most was one about some girl a year older than me being pregnant. The thing is, whe didn't know who it was bc people were just saying "they say a girl from senior year is pregnant", so everyone was desperate to know lmao I don't know how that ended up....now that I think about it that was fucked up, if it was true then poor girl.

Also, we had a literature teacher who was really strict and had a pretty peculiar personality. People used to say she was going to get married but her fiancee abandoned her (like, her tragic backstory and reason for being like that), it was probably false 🤣

Also in elementary school there were a lot of rumors about the statues in our church "crying blood" while no one was watching. This became so widespread that the director made a speech confirming it was false and said we should not be spreading such blasphemous things.....catholic schools really are something else.

17. google the top song from the year you were born

I searched top song from 1999 and the first two results are Livin' la vida loca and I want it that way. Sounds like a good year for music hah

20. describe your blog in 3-5 words

Young adult who likes procrastinating.

21. what's a conspiracy you believe in?

Already answered in my last ask!

26. crowds or small groups?

Small groups. I hate crowds, always have and always will. Also, I don't know if this is normal or not but if I spend too much time in a crowded place I start to feel dizzy/light headed.

31. you can change one thing about your life right now. what are you changing?

This horrible situation we are all in, honestly. I just want things to go back to normal but that won’t happen if people keep being selfish and governments keep caring more about economy than people’s lifes :/ Apart from that, i’m pretty ok with my life? I still haven’t achieved much but I don’t want to rush things, I have time.

Thanks so much for asking, this was a lot of fun 💕

[makeroomforthejolyghost]

this started off as navelgazing about a line from a book, then turned into an anxious rant about current events

“Inborn in nearly every artist is a tendency to accept injustice if it creates beauty” (Death in Venice, 21). well, idk about inborn, bc i had to go out of my way to shed the opposite tendency, but i do think it’s true that this mentality is necessary for… art and also other kinds of thought, anything where you need unfettered curiosity. but the painting of it as a vice interests me lately, because i’m starting to think i may have gone too far in this direction? the quoted line speaks to an assumption that indignation is a thing you should practice whenever relevant so you don’t lose it. that if something strikes you as unfair, you should always prioritize that impression over everything else you might notice about the situation that provokes that response. in this scene, that even though it’s not clear how it would help anyone for aschenbach to disapprove of this family’s treatment of the three daughters, it’s still a vice for him to brush it aside because he likes watching the son whose personality he thinks results from this favoritism.

i think we assume this because we fear that failing to deplore an instance of injustice when we see it makes us complicit? which, in and of itself, is clearly not true; that’s just thoughtcrime. like: unless you maintain that it’s his responsibility to tell the parents off, or to do something nice for the girls to compensate,* there’s no reason to view aschenbach’s feeling of “yeah well that sucks but it’s interesting to watch” as any worse than thinking “those terrible parents! how dare they deprive three out of four of their kids in this way”? bc there’s no consequential difference.

but. i think… maybe there is something to be said for cultivating this habit? because, at least for me, this kinda has led to a sort of complacency, a feeling that it’s not my place to judge people (or that there’s nothing i can do to fix injustice when i see it, but mostly the first thing: i tend to assume i don’t know enough about other people’s situations to judge, much less to try to correct or advise people). and that’s true??? like, in part i think this mental habit must have grown out of the axiom not to give medical advice to chronically ill people. i… have a tendency to internalize advice across the board, rather than situationally. i.e., to take this as meaning, “people know more about their own problems than you do,” and also, as meaning, “they’re already doing their best; nobody fails on purpose.” and generalizing that to situations where the “failure” is one of cruelty rather than of just not being as healthy/happy as it seems to you people should be. like: i have rooted out just-world hypothesis so thoroughly, i have so much contempt for that “obviously it’s possible to be better” mentality, that i apply it even when what i see looks to me like. someone being mean to their children. and to a certain extent this seems right to me??? like, parents fearing everyone around them thinks they’re evil because their kid is crying, when really all they deprived this poor child of is a piece of candy she found on the floor, is a real thing, and, i honestly cannot think of a time when i’ve seen a parent say or do something harsh to their child where something like this couldn’t easily have been the explanation. plus, the possibility they might take it out on their children still exists!

but i think maybe the specifics here are confusing the question? either that or the question is so abstract/fake that it’s not one i need to answer. so here: the root of my anxiety is this: i sometimes worry there’s something wrong with me because i’m not obsessed with the BLM protests going on, or at least, not in the way so many people imply i should be. it’s not that i lack empathy for the victims?—i do tear up when i think too hard about george floyd, or that man with the food cart who used to serve the cops for free. it’s just… that this sense of injustice doesn’t lead to any conviction. i don’t feel the righteousness of the protests; i’m detached enough to wonder intellectually about their effectiveness. although?? i guess that’s not wholly true either, because when i first heard about them my very first thought was “OH GOD NO NOT THIS AGAIN! YOU’RE ALL GONNA GET KILLED!”—a combination of fear at what might (…would, from today’s perspective) happen to the people involved, and dismay at the knowledge i was going to have to perform supportiveness about it.

for the record: i do think police brutality is evil, and that the police are corrupt and overpowered and groomed to be racist; also, from what i’ve heard, the protests have helped create a lot of policy changes, so from that standpoint i guess i support them. or, at least, congratulate them on a job well done. but: i think holding protests during a pandemic is fucking insane, especially since the thing protestors demand a stop to is unnecessary death. people keep telling me this is a crucial moment for the black community, and i think that at this point that’s true, but, afaik there’s no good strategic reason we can point to for why it had to be now, and i don’t like… well ok, let me start again. i wouldn’t mind having to say “yeah, well, straw that broke the camel’s back,” if i didn’t feel like that excuse precluded all criticism of the protests’ timing.** in my own life, when i reflect on times in my life when i’ve done things whose consequences i regret, i often have to conclude that under the circumstances i can’t have expected anything better from myself. but i still get to say i shouldn’t have done that. maybe i’m being greedy with my cake here, i just. ugh. it just pisses me off, the hypocrisy about covid, because the whole point of lockdowns and social distancing &c. was that no one person’s or group’s interests outweigh the risks to the human race at large. but now it’s apparently more important for even the unaffected members of said human race to stand in solidarity with the minorities who are affected by this latest crisis--as in, literally stand there, in public, right next to them, even if that means that two weeks later they come down with the plague. like?? you can’t even say “but this is a matter of life and death”! because covid is an even wider-reaching matter of life and death!!!!

also, the most common justification i hear is that the number of horrible things we’ve seen the police inflict on protestors proves we need to keep protesting. and politically speaking that does seem to be working? but IT’S STILL KIND OF FUCKING GHOULISH to hear that we as a nation have a responsibility to give the cops more opportunities to kill innocent people. like. i can intellectually say “yes, you’re right, i think it’s working,” but i can’t seem to feel that as a duty or a righteous cause.

…what was my point again? oh right: that i worry this makes me a Bad Person, or at least that everyone around me would think i was a Bad Person if i told them how i felt. and that i specifically worry my emotions are wrong, because i should be having… the kind of patriotism proust talks about (though for BLM and the left &c. rather than for america itself, obviously), but instead i’m like “aaagh ok fine if you have to but GOD I WISH THIS WOULD STOP.” and apparently, wanting it to stop means siding with the oppressors. and i guess… god, do you know what it is? honestly, i’m so short-sighted that a return to the status quo does sound better to me than this chaos. i don’t disbelieve people who assert that only a bitter fight like this can force change? intellectually i think maybe that’s true. but emotionally, i hate it, and on an animal level i don’t really believe it. the animal in me believes only that positive change is slow and unsatisfying, regardless of how you accomplish it.

*both of which seem to me Too Risky because option a might end with their harassing the girls over it (e.g., “this stranger over here thinks you’re being mistreated. if he only knew you like i do…!”), while option b, coming from an older, solitary man, might strike both the girls and their parents as a creepy, lecherous thing, in which case the girls might view it as insulting or even traumatizing rather than as a favor to them.

**especially the timing of protests like the one in my own town last weekend. they marched to the city police station--even though the one widely-known violent incident in our town in the last decade was perpetrated by the university police department--on, afaict, general ACAB principle. my friend who attended says the anger felt real, not just like a performance, but they weren’t agitating for any concrete changes here, you know?? so idg why it was worth infecting people.

[68ejgppd-blog]

In New Jersey, does the name on your car insurance card have to match the name on your car...?

In New Jersey, does the name on your car insurance card have to match the name on your car...?

...registration? My husbands name is on the insurance and I own the car.

BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare free quotes :insurancecheapquotes.xyz

SOURCES:

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[matazz]

entries

diary entries of roy endoza

here’s some journal entries of roy endoza that i wrote for the duration of the campaign. for the most part, i kinda wrote these in my twitter drafts just to write down roy’s thoughts. sometimes to remember events that happened, and sometimes just to vent out roy’s feelings to myself. i ended up saving these on a document for safe keeping and i’m glad i wrote these.

‪entry 47‬

‪i miss milo so much. his laugh, his eyes, his smile. i would do anything to have that back.‬ ‪i know its my fault he’s gone. its only been a few months, but i’ll fix that; all of it. no matter how long it takes, no matter what happens. i’ll find some way to do it.‬ ‪entry 53‬ ‪i’ve retrieved a letter from a dream telling me to visit latham and retrieve a key. i’m curious, so i’ll check it eventually. it was definitely odd.‬ ‪entry 55‬ ‪i met a young boy. his name is fox. he’s some sort of shapeshifter. he’s quiet, but his presence is nice company. he also received a similar letter to mine. i have a feeling we’ll be travelling for a while.‬ ‪entry 62‬ ‪we retrieved the key & met some other ppl with letters too. we’re heading to a trinket store back in origin now. i dont wish for them to know of my life so i’ve found a way to steer them as far from possible to finding out about myself. i’ll probably visit ma too.‬ ‪entry 63‬ ‪an elf woman named leera attacked us after i told her i wasnt going to give her this key. i dont like her. she seemed very cocky.‬ ‪entry 65‬ ‪delilah is kind.. i feel like i’m able to trust her. i asked her a question about my goals, vaguely, and it turns out that ayce asked a similar question. based on the message in his later i get the feeling he’s undead.‬ ‪entry 66‬ ‪i told ayce the biggest con in all of history.. but i confirmed he’s undead. i have more hope in my goals now that i know its possible. he hugged me bc he thinks we’re similar. i dont usually allow people to do that but i’m sad for him. i wish i could ask more about him. ‬‪entry 69‬ ‪i’m getting closer to ayce, unexpectedly, but good for me. i need his information.‬ ‪he talks to me a lot about his life; i think he’s become dependent on me which is easy for me. its hard for him to see i’m using him when i lie to his face.‬ ‪entry 72‬ ‪we’re travelling to copper coast now for another key. if it werent for ayce, i wouldnt see any other reason for me to come. fox is still around, but i feel like he's doing his own thing. the other two arent big presences for me to care about.‬ ‪entry 73‬ ‪atlas is a werewolf? i didnt think those were real. this group keeps getting stranger. first a shapeshifter, second an actual living zombie, third a werewolf.‬ ‪ive continued my lie to the rest of them. they all seem to have believed me, strangely enough‬ ‪entry 74‬ ‪copper coast was very pleasant. i wish to come back someday.‬ ‪entry 88‬ ‪this trip to clandesteine has been a disaster.. what the honest fuck‬ just happened ‪entry 90‬ ‪fox told everybody about himself, finally. i feel this huge sense of pride?? i’m very proud of him. i dont understand why i feel so attached to him but i adore him so much‬ ‪entry 92‬ ‪((incoherent scribbles, kinda like “vsdjfsasifwnqkosdkv”)) i think i accidentally implied to ayce that i love him romantically and i think he loves me too... i’m freaking out and i dont know how to react... i think he thinks i’m cool and romantic but i didnt mean to be. ‪entry 93‬ in all honesty, i just wanted to tell him he needs to be more cautious of me. a part of me wishes he could figure it out himself so i dont have to tell him. ‪seriously! i dont know how i did that! i do love and adore him too but i feel like shit.. i dont deserve him, especially considering who i am. on the other hand, i hope he never finds out the truth about me.‬ ‪entry 94‬ ‪oh my god. atlas killed a man and ayce and fox proceeded to tell the guards. i feel sick. i’m currently at home but if they say my name at witness testimony i’m royally fucked. i dont know. i might just run for it and live in myr’s peak. maybe no one will find me.‬ ‪entry 95‬ ‪the group managed to get bailed out using ty’s name. benefits of being friends with rich people?‬ ‪fox found my poster though, so he saved my name during eyewitness testimony. i told him the truth. its been the first time i told someone how i really felt. he wants me to tell ayce but hes the last person i can tell. ‪entry 97‬ ‪we’re in lunarden! it feels nostalgic to be back.

i want to go back to every place i miss. i took ayce to that me and nori used to go to back in high school. i think shes currently performing in solardome? i miss her‬ entry 97.2 ‪i came up with a few different ways to complete my goal. i have a few more probing questions, but i will have to ask later. i think i’m getting closer to the answers‬ entry ‪97.3‬ ((scribbled out)) ‪i havent had sex in a while. i’ve wondered this before but realized it was an inappropriate question to ask. i wonder if ayce’s dick works? it probably doesnt. this is so sad. i dont know how i’m going to fuck him if thats true.. yikes‬ ‪entry 98‬ ‪i’m planning to get completely smashed once we get to solardome. i feel like i deserve it.. ive been pretty stressed and havent got laid. i’m crying remembering that ayce might not even be an option.‬ ‪entry 98.2 ((lost)) ‪i love ayce so much, and its confusing. am i just sexually frustrated? am i just lonely? am i just sad? i feel guilty because it tears me apart. im confused because i love milo still, too. i know i should tell him the truth, its whats right but i know he’ll hate me. i dont know what to do. (extra note inbetween the pages, torn out: to mom. i love you venhfrhdy mcuh. thank you fir everhything. yes. roy.) entry 98.3 what happens if i succeed? i hope ayce doesnt kill me. entry 100 ‪good morning. ayce & i are officially dating. were in solardome atm; i dont remember much of last night but i remember thinking he‘s beautiful. is it wrong to fall for him?‬ ‪entry 101‬ ‪good evening. i saw ms winters. she was undead, just like ayce. she died a year ago. her soul was lost though. i killed what remained of her undead corpse. i assume she was trying to remain in this world.. i’m scared that this will happen to him too. maybe ill have to do the same to him. entry 101.2 i hope ayce's soul is able to sustain in his body for longer. i cant afford to lose him. entry 101.3 ‪the blackness on my fingers has risen up more than it has before. its almost hard to write with my hands anymore. i assume its bc the gods know what i'm doing & are against it, so they're trying to give me more recoil than usual. but the last time i killed an undead corpse was in my house 6 months ago, and i promise that the last time i will use it is when i bring milo back. (torn note inbetween the pages: hi ayce. its unrealistic you'll ever find this but there's some things i want to say. back when we first met, i lied to you as a reflex when you asked me why i'm dealing with necromancy. to be honest, i could kind of gather you were undead, but i still lied anyway. my story is personal, its hard for me to be honest. i know i'm an idiot, and i'm sorry i used you. to be truthful, i still am a horrible person and for the entirety of our relationship i've already known that i was using you and i've felt so guilty about that. my feelings are complicated, but i've never lied when i said i loved you, and i still do; but i still want to bring milo back. i made a mistake and i want to fix that. the truth is that i still love him too. i know you deserve better. i'm sorry about lying to you. roy) entry 102 a dragon made us experience our dreams and nightmares. jade's scared of blindness and bugs. a valid fear, in a way. and she was dreaming of doing shows. i think it was supposed to display a feeling of happiness and joy, but it was just spooky since we all experienced her dreams with no sound. i never realized how scary it was to be deaf until i experienced it. atlas' was morbid. people were dying and there was so much gore. then there were people saying they owned him. i knew he was a bad person but it was scary to see all of that again. he dreamt of a workshop with a girl and a young boy. it seemed sweet, with a tinge of nostalgia. i would have never expected him to have dreams. he just seems like a horrible person with no sympathy to me, but i guess he has feelings. i still think he should go to jail, but i feel like he'll just try to kill me if i say anything instead. fox's was sad. we got thrown into a void

of empty space where we were surrounded only by dopplegangers and a vaguely humanoid figure. he seemed so lonely and upset. he's scared of being forgotten by us and that made me so sad. i adore him, and he's grown a lot since we first met. i gave him a hug when we went into his dream sequence. i hope he knows i will never forget him. his dream was sweet. he just wants to save people and hang out with us still. i think he'll go far, and i would love to be there for him still when all of this is over.c (the rest of the pages with entry 102 are torn out) when i saw milo in the old house again just being his happy lovely self i felt miserable and happy at the same time. i love him so much, and i knew i missed him already but seeing him again just made me feel so much love for him all over again. it just makes me miss him more. it's hard not to cry thinking about what i've done to him. i wish he could come back. ayce's was hard to watch. i witnessed myrkul force ayce to choose between killing me and quri. ayce cried as he couldn't make up his mind, and then i watched as i fell into a void. i felt sick and i wanted to puke. i thought ayce found out about me. i thought he knew that i was using him for necromancy, but when i asked him about it, he told me that he thought i killed him with quri. i... personally don't have any reason to ever kill him so that was a bit sickening to think of. i dont ever want to kill anyone. i dont even have anyone i hate enough to want to murder. the only person i hate enough to want to kill is me. i know based on what i said before i guess it might have seemed that bad; but haha... i would never ever want to do that. putting people down at hospital was rough. god, putting ms winters down was rough and she was already dead. i love him, but it's probably better if we end the relationship and just stay as friends? he's already witnessed me still loving milo, and he thinks i murdered him... i'll try to clear up his misunderstanding, but it'll be hard to without giving more of myself away. this relationship has so many problems. entry 103 a new discovery. the world isn't flat? the god's are using their powers to “lock off” the rest of the world. apparently sanctuary is only a small part of the world. that was a really weird discovery to find out? it's kind of hard to believe, but at the same time, not. apparently they keys we've been collecting hold the respective power of the gods, and they're used to “open” the gateway. i have no idea what that means. apparently beshaba wants to use our keys to do exactly that. and also they can kill the god's? entry 112 when we came back to lunarden we discovered that delilah and allen were kidnapped by atlas’ syndicate. i knew atlas was trouble. i hate having to associate with him. we’re going to save them yet it makes me nervous. entry 114 i feel like i almost died in there. we saved the others and no one was hurt though. we’re going to trip back to lunarden and then travel through the travel gates back to origin to try avoid people. allen mentioned something about strange readings. i have a feeling i know what it is. i’m going to ask lathandar questions. entry 115 nvm we encountered leera. this group genuinely scares me. I’m travelling with people who are down with murder. i should seperate. she uncovered my posters to them and i want to die. she also mentioned the last key at a ball. i need to bounce. lathandar also confirmed my suspicions last night. entry 116 fox left before i could. i feel bad. like maybe it was my fault. i miss him. we have to continue though. entry 117 its so hard to find a bag of holding. i just want to have this spirit stone around without having it in the open. entry 118 we’re in origin now and delilah let me rent out her bag of holding. an absolute kind soul. we bought tickets to the ball. so expensive. i wish i didnt do that. entry 123 i’ve done so much in preperation of whats to come. Soon. i hope it works. i’m going to travel to solardome and investigate those readings. entry 124 suspicions

confirmed. miss winters is alive. she captured my biological father. a strange way to meet him. i cant see him as my father. i told her about the key, and we’re going to rearrange our circle. we’ll still use the spirit stones, just as a backup. i’m scared. i’m terrified. i dont know if it will work and i dont know what will happen if it does. i know the gods will be mad but i’ll deal with the consequences when it happens. i’m sure i won’t be a champion anymore. we’re doing this on friday evening, which means i’m no longer attending the gala. they don’t need my assistance anyway.

[someobscurereference]

asdfghjkl ur awakening trio pmmm au has got me FUCKED up bc that would be so horrible for them especially if u consider they've already had one Traumatic Time Travel event in Ylisse. can u share some more headcanons from this au with us? especially like, post-achievement of the revelations ending. the poor children would be so tired. would the sibs + niles and beruka notice the (very sudden from their pov) change? would the trio ever share what happened, and how would that go down??

I’ve been focusing (as much as my idle daydreams count as focusing) a little more on the on the middle portion of this au than the post stuff, but I’ll do my best to mention the thoughts I’ve had so far

Repeats are usually about a year’s time because any longer would drive the trio insane. They could theoretically go back farther but it’s hard to control and they can’t go back before the human portion of Anankos died and they wouldn’t know what to do if they could anyway besides ask questions they’d know the answer to better than him at this point and probably cry, so. Basically it’s pointless, so they don’t

The Birthright timeline happens first and that is. The worst timeline, basically. You know how it goes in canon. But the this is the first timeline, the one where they live in Nohr for years before that ending begins, the one where they get close to the Nohrians for the first time and grow beside them and they don’t even know what to do, really, while Corrin is locked up in that tower but they grow comfortable. And Corrin isn’t in the tower anymore and then she’s picking sides and then the trio watches as these people they’ve grown to really care about slowly fall apart. It goes bad to worse.

And then Selena goes in that battle by the sea and then Laslow’s gone too and Odin’s still reeling from Selena’s loss (even though it’s been months now because months don’t matter when that’s your friend, your sister) when he hears about Laslow’s minutes after the battle ends, after Xander’s gone, after Elise is gone, after everything is awful and Camilla and Leo, neither of whole ever really want the crown, are reeling too. (And if this were an actual pmmm au this would be where Odin’s gemstone nearly goes black from use of magic and distress. But it isn’t and he doesn’t and he goes back to the beginning and finds Selena and Laslow both and tells them it went wrong.)

And here they’d been wondering if they were even going to be using the magic Anankos gave them with such solemnity. They’d already done the time travel thing. They weren’t eager to do it again.

Maybe Odin tells them everything in detail or maybe he tells them enough to impress that things went bad and they died, but either way they get it and Selena and Laslow are shaken too. They talk about what they should do. They don’t remember that extra year because they weren’t the ones to reset, and that’s when they start to figure out some of the rules. Either you reset together, or you forget. The main point they agree on is that the scales tipped when Corrin chose Hoshido over Nohr. They talk about it, and in the end they can’t do anything because Corrin is gone and Odin doesn’t remember what day she left and Laslow and Selena don’t remember anything and then… Corrin chooses Nohr over Hoshido, for some reason.

Things go well for Nohr. Still hard, but much better than that Hoshido route. But things go terribly for Hoshido, and while it’s a victory still, the trio’s stomach twists at what has befallen the royal Hoshido, who were good people and deserved better, even if they were on opposite sides. And they still have this power and this feeling that they can do better. So they go back again.

This time they’re less shaky. This time they’re all assured, they all remember, and it’s really tough reliving a year you’ve already lived. They slip up. They mention things that haven’t happened yet. Someone asks Selena if she’s a fortune seer like that one retainer of the Hoshido household, and that’s a mess. They’ve gone back in time before for their parents, yeah, but they went back far then. Much farther than a handful of months. The Ylisse with their parents was like an entirely different world than the broken one they’d grown up in. Living there had been much easier than reliving the same time period of Nohr that they’d already lived through.

So they do it again. Always right before the choice Corrin makes. Maybe she chooses Hoshido again, maybe Nohr. They do better, they learn more, but it never feels right, even the times it goes well. The times it doesn’t go well are even worse. 

Maybe they don’t go back too many times. Maybe it’s only a few resets, but every reset is a year, so it takes years. And maybe they do go back more times than is comfortable. (It’s never comfortable.) More times than they would have liked to believe they’d have to at first. 

It’s always Nohr and Hoshido, Hoshido and Nohr. Those two options every time. Why can’t there be more?

Maybe it’s Odin, reeling from another timeline where he’s lost his family again. Maybe it’s Laslow, melancholy, in one of those moods where everything is fleeting and nothing ever changes in the end. Maybe it’s Selena, with her steel spine, angry that time refuses to bend when she knows it can. It could be any of them. 

One of them–any of them– grabs Corrin at the end of a timeline and says, “Why won’t you just refuse to pick for once? Do something different! Next time… Next time, please.”

They shouldn’t have done that. That’s too obvious, too suspicious, and it’s convenient they have to reset anyway but they’re all miserable and down this time around, have been feeling that way for a long time now and it’s tough pretending otherwise to everyone’s face.

And then this time around Corrin makes a third choice. 

I have not thought about anything past that but I can only imagine the trio are absolutely shaken by this change and things are new and vibrant and different again because things are actually changing. 

I’m not sure the Trio would ever admit what happened because they were already hiding the “I’m from another world” thing and trauma is hard to talk about? And the repeating the same war over and over is certainly a trauma, on top of the stress and baggage they’re already carrying. So they might save that for each other rather than anyone on the outside. 

I think others would notice their disposition change, especially in later, more run-down timelines. Selena wears her emotions on her sleeve, as does Laslow. Selena’s just too obvious and Laslow’s sad smiles are too different from his genuine ones to those that know him. Odin might be a bit better, covering it up with his dark hero mask, but he’s probably not much better at all, really, and when he forgets to use that mask is when he’s most obvious. I don’t think the trio would ever say what’s wrong though, and maybe that’s a flaw and part of the reason they’re stuck in such a rut– they won’t rely on anyone outside their group. Weird how things changed when they made that comment to Corrin, huh? Even though Corrin shouldn’t have remembered it. The others might ask, but the trio would brush their questions off. Kind gestures would make them feel a little better though, like Niles bantering back and forth with Odin or Camilla showering Selena with a little more attention than average or Xander taking a rare tea break with Laslow. Little things. 

What you said is pretty true though. They’d be so very tired. 

[kensingtcns-blog]

( CHARLIE HUNNAM, MALE, HE/HIM ) —— [ BENJAMIN KENSINGTON ] is a [ THIRTY-FIVE ] year old that has been part of the [ HEATHENS ] for [ FIVE ] years. They have been working as a [ GUARD ]. The people in Boulder say that [ HE ] is [ CUNNING ] but also [ RECKLESS ]. Lets see what this wasteland has in store for them.

*uberhaxornova voice* alright helLO ( watch, no one else knows who that is ) its me, ur new resident trash queen & angst n pain lover, caitlyn. i’m 23 and i live in cst so like ?? yeah hi hello how are ya’ll ?? this is my baby benjamin that’s actually ?? a hot ass mess lmao ?? under this is a basic af bullet point bio, personality traits n stats & the three headcanons!! i’m so ridiculously excited to be here as well so that made my rambling worse ?? just like it is right now jfc okay i’ll stop. anywHO i’ve got a basic af list of wanted connections for him right HERE & i'll be working on making an actual bio for him over the next few days!! if you wanna plot w this hot ass mess, just like this or hop into my IMs bc i cannot wait to plot with all ya’ll!!

( TW: mentions of death, cancer, alcohol & weapons. )

BIOGRAPHY

was born and raised in denver, which means he’s always had a love for colorado.

ben’s the oldest of two siblings, his sister being ten years younger than him.

raised by two v loving parents who gave the pair everything they could have every wanted.

however, his mother did from breast cancer when he was 12 and that heavily impacted his father.

causing the older male to teach ben that having feelings wasn’t a good thing and that ben should bottle up everything because he wouldn’t get hurt that way.

something that ben took to heart and kept with him all throughout school.

speaking of, ben did really well in school, graduated at the top of his class and decided he wanted to go into the medical field.

so he did, went to medical school and started learning how to become a surgeon & to his surprise, he was really frickin good at it.

& along the way, he happened to fall head over heels for another student who was there to be a registered nurse. something his father frowned upon due to what’d happened to ben’s mother, but it was something his father quickly began to accept because he saw just how good the two were for each other.

ben ended up proposing to her about a year after they started dating & she said yes so they had a small courthouse wedding surrounded by loved ones... and a few months later they found out that she was pregnant.

this drove ben to be even more dedicated to his job because he wanted to be able to raise his son like his parents had raised him.

nine months later, along came his son and ben’s world quickly started revolving around that baby.

but all of that came to a screeching halt the second the virus hit.

benjamin knew that they had to get out of a populated city, so he packed his wife, his son, his father and his sister up and they were gone by sunlight.

however, his father and sister ended up getting separated from them and he didn’t know where they could have gone, even though he searched for days to find them.

things were okay for the first few month or so, they’d taken enough food to last from their home and the store but with an infant, keeping those supplies in stock wasn’t the easiest thin in the world and soon enough, ben found himself having to go out and search for formula and things like that.

those trips usually went pretty smooth, making sure his wife and son were safe before leaving them for a few hours. however, the one time he happened to be gone longer than a few hours was the one time they weren’t safe at all.

he came back to find both of them gone, something that hit him in the chest so hard that he sat in that buildings for nearly two days just waiting and hoping they’d just moved to somewhere more safe.

but all the hoping and waiting wouldn’t make up for the fact that they’d been taken from him.

this caused him to start being reckless, to go down this dangerous path that he figured would get him killed.

but not only did he do that, he started to have to figure out how to survive on his own. he didn’t have anyone, which meant he’d have to figure out how to shoot a gun, how to hold a knife, how to protect and fend for himself.

so he did, finding guns and ammo that’d been left behind by people, practicing by lining up the numerous alcohol bottles he’d killed off days before and firing into them.

sure enough, he seemed to be a natural with that and with knives.. or a natural for violence in general. he liked the feeling, and it wasn’t something he was going to deny anymore.

& he didn’t deny it one bit. if he met people, he’d resort to violence and threats faster then he could blink an eye because he didn’t trust them, didn’t trust anyone but himself with the feelings he now kept bottled up.

fast forward to about five years later, ben runs into a group that calls themselves the heathens and they instantly catch his interest.

offering him food, water, anything that was needed and gave him purpose.. something he hadn’t had in years. not since he lost his wife and son.

he took the offer almost instantly and has been a guard for them ever since.

PERSONALITY.

hides behind a wall of sarcasm, cockiness, anger and lust.

doesn’t really care to get to know people and had a tendency to push people away before they get too close to him.

is …. stubborn as hell and refuses to ask for help with anything.

has a motorcycle and it’s his baby..

a hot mess

fluent in a lot of languages, picked them up so that he didn’t need translators at meetings with patients.

lowkey worried that people will figure out that he’s not the complete asshole role that he plays on a daily basis and is actually a very hurt person bc if people started realizing that, he’d have to start feeling again and tbh, he don’t wanna do that.

is the biggest flirt you will ever meet??

will try to either get u to drink w him or take ur alcohol.. there's a v thin line between the two options tbh.

super, super intelligent but keeps that on the dl ?

he cares… god he cares so much about people and the world but he pretends to hate everything because it’s easier than letting people in.

is a highkey hoe but he also keeps it on the dl

super into keeping fit as it’s a way to keep his mind from wandering onto subjects such as his wife and son. so he’ll like ?? find random shit to use as a homemade gym ??

still wears his wedding ring but wears it on his middle finger so that know one knows the real story behind it.

also keeps a photo of his wife at baby boy in his leather jacket.

actually super loyal and caring once you’re able to see get past his wall??which is really hard to do due to his job but if u do it he’ll cherish u.

has a bad habit of smoking so he looks for packs of cigs like ?? everywhere he goes.

is actually super open to teaching other people how to fight / use weapons because it's fun for him but acts like it'll kill him to do so.

is a burnt cupcake who has really good intentions but has horrible execution skills.

HEADCANONS

Benjamin was raised solely by his father, who taught him that most emotions were bad things to feel or to talk about. Meaning that he usually hides all other emotions other than anger and lust. Which means that most people see him as an asshole, something that Benjamin is actually fully okay with because in his mind, having people view him in that light is far easier than having to address and/or deal with his feelings. But that doesn’t mean that Benjamin is unable to feel any other emotions other than anger or lust, but he does keep a wall up around him that not a lot of people can break down. If you can break past that wall, though, you’ll find that Ben is far from the ‘asshole’ character he likes to play.

( TW: mentions of death ) Before the virus broke out, Benjamin was actually going to medical school, hoping to be one of the best surgeons in Colorado, maybe even the United States. However, the virus took his wife and son from him and it caused him to break, causing him to give up on the little bit of hope he had left and away from the 'helper’ path he’d be heading down. Instead he found himself becoming extremely reckless, loving everything about violence and danger. He started doing things that his old self would have hated and not caring about the fact that it was risky, that he could easily get hurt or lose his own life in the process. But in all honesty? He doesn’t care about his own well-being, letting the grief that still sits deep in his soul cause him to drift towards dangerous things.

( TW: mentions of weapons. ) Due to him being on his own for a few years before he found The Heathens, Benjamin had to learn how to survive in the toughest ways possible. Meaning that whenever he ran into other survivors, he rarely trusted any of them and if it came to it, he’d resort to violence to get what he needed to survive, food, weapons, whatever it was. Not to mention the fact that he had to teach himself how to use knives, guns and anything else that could have been considered a weapon, how to hunt for the food needed to survive and how to deal with the infected anytime he happened to stumble upon them. After a few years of that, though, he started figuring out that maybe the life of survival and violence was something that he was rather good at, and something he really enjoyed as well. Which was the beginning of him turning from the 'helper’ he wanted to be before the virus hit to someone who’s actually rather selfish.

STATISTICS.

full name: benjamin rhys kensington.

nickname(s): ben, benji (used by his wife mostly).

age: thirty-five.

date of birth: october 31st.

zodiac sign: scorpio.

place of birth: denver, colorado.

gender: cis-male.

sexual orientation: bisexual.

religion: n/a.

occupation: guard for the heathens.

language(s) spoken: english, french, spanish, welsh, russian, korean, japanese, italian, romanian, greek, gaelic and bulgarian.

accent: american.

PHYSICAL APPEARANCE.

face claim: charlie hunnam.

hair color: blonde.

eye color: blue.

height: 6′ 1″.

weight: 225 lbs.

build: athletic.

PERSONALITY / TRAITS.

label: the cataclysmic.

positive traits: cunning, adventurous, intelligent, charming, loyal & brave.

negative traits: reckless, hedonistic, cocky, impulsive, flirtatious & closed off.

FAMILY

father: gideon james kensington. ( undetermined. )

mother: marie ann williams-kensington. ( deceased. )

siblings: a younger sister ( undetermined. )

TESTS.

myers-briggs: estp-a

enneagram: type 8 ( the challenger. )

moral alignment: lawful evil. ( the dominator. )

temperament: choleric.

hogwarts house: slytherin.

[thedegenerateasexual]

another big old fuckin rape warning jfc

incest warning too i guess? lmao this book

AN ENTIRE FLASHBACK CHAPTER im not ready

four days after the first encounter and kate hasn't made another move - "But she hadn't moved from the lifeguard perch all week, hadn't even spoken to him. She'd just watched him like a hawk, gaze trained on him, as he'd stroked through the water. One by one the other swimmers had left, and he'd remained behind, torn between disappointment that she hadn't done it again, and complete and utter relief that she was staying away from him."

and then she does: "He swam lap after lap beneath her scrutiny. Then, just as he did one last flip-kick and headed for the stairs in the shallow end, he felt the vibration of her approach in the water. And then she was swimming alongside him. He couldn't believe it. He didn't know what else to do except to keep swimming. What was he supposed to do? ... He thought about all those human, adult things that he hadn't done, that she obviously had—get a job, have a car..."

so then they stop swimming, and she takes his hand:

She smiled at him, much more shyly than he would have expected. She looked down, then peered up at him through her lashes.

"What you must think of me," she murmured.

His heart was pounding so hard he was sure that she could hear it. He had no idea what to say to her, and he also had no idea how to get out of the pool without embarrassing himself.

Except . . . he didn't want to get out of the pool. He wanted to kiss her.

"There's something about you," she whispered. "I've been thinking about you all week. I tried to stay away. I mean, you're a student and I'm . . . well, I'm not a teacher. But I'm close. To being a teacher."

She swirled her fingers through the water. "And this really isn't my style, you know? I don't come on to men like this."

Men. She thought of him as a man. He licked his lips, completely tongue-tied.

what kills me about this is that this is what he does in the show when confronted with kate, or other things that make him uncomfortable (jennifer) - when derek can't think of the right thing to say he goes dead fucking silent. he just plain stops talking. & i'm like devasated at the idea that it's a lifelong habit 

and then, this is the most manipulative part:

"I wish you'd say something," she murmured. "I'm kind of dying right about now. I'm sorry if I misread your intentions. I won't bother you again."

His intentions? Misread them? He was baffled. But then he thought about all the looks he had thrown her way. How he'd glanced up at the lifeguard tower every time he'd made a turn to head down the lane. Maybe he had been sending out signals.

THAT'S TEXTBOOK GASLIGHTING JESUS CHRIST HE'S SIXTEEN

it gets worse! she "assumes" he has a girlfriend and pretends to be all shocked when he says he doesn't because he's "so handsome and all" and then says "look this is happening in such an awkward way i dont mean to crowd you im just drawn to you i cant rly explain it" exCUSE me oh my god and then adds "but i don't want you to think i'm just after, well, YOU KNOW" THAT'S WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE but he's sixteen and never had a girlfriend so he doesn't know any better!!!!

so she asks if he wants to go for coffee and show her around and then adds "we'd have to be careful bc outsiders wouldn't understand" i'm pretty sure they'd understand just fine :///

like i knew it was like this but im still so outraged on his behalf jesus

and he's thinking about how he doesn't know any coffee places in beacon hills bc he spends most of his time out of the community but SHE says:

"I think we're both having the same thought," she murmured. "Privacy."

Privacy, as in being careful not to be seen together while they were hanging out? Or privacy as in . . . oh, God, was she serious?

"So we can get to know each other." She pondered a moment. "Would you think I was too forward if I invited you to my apartment? Just for coffee?"

and he's like panicking running through his options bc he wants to go but he's supposed to meet laura and there's only one car - she offers to drive him home, and oh, wouldn't she just love to know where the hale house is - but eventually he just says he needs to check in with his sister first - and she's like, "laura hale? oh dont be startled i made some discreet inquiries about you" and it doesn't trip his creep radar bc he doesn't have any life experiences but holy fuck that's like right next door to stalking

as an aside i don't like how they use wolf as a verb in this book it's weird - he began to wolf, his eyesight wolfed - like nah. no thanks

uhhhhh so derek asks laura to pick him up in 3 hours and she's like "whats in it for me" and he's like "i wont tell dad i saw you frenching josh" JOSH THEIR COUSIN??

the exact words were josh was peter's sister-in-law's kid

that's, uh

i mean that means peter's brother's kid, then, right? which means laura and derek's blood cousin???? alright then

oh god kate came in the locker room in JUST A TOWEL while he was talking he can't get a minute away from her

laura's like "ur gonna go do something slutty with a human aren't you" THIS IS CONTRADICTING SEASON 1 CANON LOL derek never told anybody about kate! laura is super weird in this book if my 16yo little brother was about to go sleep with a teacher i would never be so chill about it

Oh, sweetie, getting your attention is like shooting fish in a barrel, Kate thought as she drove Derek in her car to her apartment. It was across the street from a bar, which, from her point of view, was convenient for when she wanted to hang out with the grown-ups. She was wearing a pair of jeans, heeled boots, and a black low-cut cashmere sweater. I can practically hear you slobbering. It's like you're a big puppy dog and I am a juicy steak.

this dialogue.......

i wasn't like, having the worst time reading this book, it wasn't actually that bad, but jesus

oh my god

"The thrill of this new hunt raced through her. The euphoria of the chase. She never, ever got tired of dangling herself in front of males of all kinds. It was no accident that in ancient Greece, the deity in charge of the hunt was a goddess—Artemis. Beside her, Derek "Aquaman" Hale had his head resting on the back of the seat and his eyes closed. He was really good-looking. This was not going to be the most difficult thing she'd ever done in her life."

good GOD 

so she offers him a drink, and starts with coffee, but quickly escalates to wine: "I like to have a little something to unwind after I'm at the pool, you know? Lucky thing I live across the street from a bar." She said that to goose him a little, remind him she was a woman, with a woman's needs.

and that he's sixteen.

now she's talking about how she doesn't even know if derek and the hales are the wolf pack she's looking for: She had her orders, but she had to be sure. Kill werewolves, and you were a hero. Kill people, and you were a mass murderer. The group she was involved with had detected werewolf activity in Beacon Hills, and she just had a feeling about the Hales. Of course, there were several other large families in the area that might make up the pack she was seeking. Derek's furtiveness and hesitation might have nothing to do with her assignment. There were reasons other than being a werewolf for not wanting to bring home someone who was way too old for you. It hadn't dawned on him to question the motives of a pretty woman who was coming on to him. He believed what he chose to believe.

apparently she has some tragic backstory w/ this? "Menwerewolves and humanswere so simple. They always assumed you wanted them. Some fat man on a couch burping and watching cage matches? Oh, yeah, you wanted him. A guy who threw you around the room and accused you of cheating on him? Oh, yeah, you wanted him. Like a hole through your heart. But the good one? The one that you really did want? A flash of rage roared through Kate, but she kept it at bay. She could feel it trying to take over, like a wolf scratching at her door. Rage was not her enemy. Rage got the job done. In ancient Greece—land of Lycoan, said to be the first werewolf—men who pissed off the goddess Artemis were ripped to shreds by her hunting dogs. Several times a day, Kate dreamed about ripping various people to shreds. Of course, she never acted on it. She left that for others much less able to control their savagery." see, like, if derek wasn't 16, i could buy bad men in her life leading her to want to use men like this, but derek is a boy and she talks continuously about how innocent he is, so like...no slide

i know i'm just doing a lot of copypasta rn but it speaks for itself: "She watched as Sweetie Derek politely moved a packing carton off her sofa and sat down. What a body. Still boyish, but with the sweet promise of a truly splendid man. If she was right about the Hales, Derek would never become a man. Just as he wasn't really a boy. He was a monster hidden inside a human disguise." that aligns pretty well with the "they're all just a bunch of dumb animals to me" shit she talks in 1.11, also, "Sweetie Derek," this is so horrible

she finally pours them wine and leans against the counter to "give him a view" - "She waited for his response. He was staring at her body. Wanting her. Intimidated by her. She loved it." like this is SO BAD AND EXPLICIT she really does just love that he's young and unsure it's FUCKED

so then we switch to derek pov, and they eat like a light lunch of sandwiches with a long awkward silence, and he does a lot of internal monologuing about how cool it would be if she could come home and meet his family and be her mate

which like...i know how teenagers are but he met her five days ago. tbh real grooming, which is definitely what she's doing, takes longer than that, but i guess we were going for brevity here lol

(in this book derek's dad is the alpha? but in season 3 talia is, so i guess they changed werewolves then to be matriarchial like hunters)

like, she's asking him questions about himself - lucky number, favorite color - she asks him if he believes in fate. he keeps clamming up and she keeps trying to get him to talk so she finally asks about his swimming and he blurts out that there's just so much pressure, even though he can't really tell people about his "double life" and she like IMMEDIATELY responds with "yeah ofc there is hs is so rough like the ppl you have to hang out with some are still like babies and some are all rown up and ready for the real world like you" like...this is classic grooming techniques

and he's like flattered and think she's mega hot but he's also really nervous, and when she leans into his space and asks if he's ready: "He set down his sandwich. His heart was about to burst out of his chest. His body was quivering and trembling. He felt as if he were burning up." and he does say yes so i assume they banged but THANK god the chapter cut to black

[serendipity-y]

part two of the ask!!!

@xoauroraaxo 65 asks: 1. Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you? i don't understand the question 2. On a scale of 1-5, how afraid of the dark are you? like 4 3. The person you would never want to meet? i don't know, probably paul ryan bc his face annoys the shit out of me and i just want to punch him 4. What is your favorite word? fuck, probably 'petrichor' 5. If you were a type of tree, what would you be? weeping willow 6. When you looked in the mirror this morning what was the first thing you thought? either 'you need to sleep' or 'you need to dye your hair again' 7. What shirt are you wearing? a black tank top 8. What do you label yourself as? ?? gay as fuck?? 9. Bright room or dark room? dark room 10. What were you doing at midnight last night? probably talking to aurora and watching supernatural 11. Favorite age you’ve been so far? i think,, six?? idk why?? maybe because i was living with my mom and step dad again and everything was happy 12. Who told you they loved you last? my mom :) 13. Your worst enemy? any bigoted piece of garbage 14. What is your current desktop picture? it's a picture i got off of Rookie Mag 15. Do you like someone? yes bitch i do 16. The last song you listened to? Never Be by 5 Seconds of Summer 17. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up? this is so hard!!! probably pence bc trump will die soon anyway 18. Who would you really like to just punch in the face? paul fuckin ryan 19. If anyone could be your slave for a day, who would it be and what would they have to do? my sister rory, and she'd have to go an entire day without arguing with me 20. What is your best physical attribute? (showing said attribute is optional) idk nothing?? i guess my eyes/ my lips 21. If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you look like and what would you do? i don't know, i'm skipping this one 22. Do you have a secret talent? If yes, what is it? i can figure out what any crystal is (if you give me like 10 minutes and the crystal) 23. What is one unique thing you’re afraid of? being drowned by a clown spider (that's a real fucjin thing) 24. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your disposal. idk,, anything?? 25. You just found $100! How are you going to spend it? donate it!!! 26. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately. Where are you going to go? france (you can also come) 27. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. “Be brand-specific” it says. Man! What are you gonna say about that? Even if you don’t drink booze there’s something you can figure out… so what’s it gonna be? (Castiel is that you?) i have no clue,, i'd like to stay away from it. 28. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place? no bigots 29. What is your favorite expletive? does idget count?? bc ever since i heard bobby use it i think it's hilarious 30. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the one thing you’re going to save from that blazing inferno? (besides my phone??) probably my camera 31. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be? ummm,, that one time when my cousin did this thing to me that i'm still not over 32. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world! australia 33. The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back? okay so, if this was two people i would bring back my twin cousins who died from cancer (i never met them?? but i know my aunt would love to have them back). but since it's only one i'll say my dog brownie 34. What was your last dream about? idk i don't remember my dreams 35. Are you a good….[insert anything you’d like here]? [singing] people say i am, but i don't think so 36. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital? no 37. Have you ever built a snowman? yes 38. What is the color of your socks? i'm not wearing any 39. What type of music do you like? p much everything 40. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets? sunsets 41. What is your favorite milkshake flavor? chocolate peanut butter 42. What football team do you support? (I will answer in terms of American football as well as soccer) i don't watch sports lmao 43. Do you have any scars? yeah 44. What do you want to be when you graduate? a writer/ anything enjoyable that has to do with art (i think that's what the question is asking) 45. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? fuck, i'd change more than i should (any hh fans ;;)) ??) but i think i'd change my teeth??? 46. Are you reliable? i'd like to say so 47. If you could ask your future self one question, what would it be? DOES THE WORLD TRY TO KILL YOU?? 48. Do you hold grudges? depends how big the issue is 49. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create? if create a pig- pug hybrid 50. What is the most unusual conversation you’ve ever had? one time in a group chat it was like 1am and i kept saying "mary jew ana" and i wanted to fucking die 51. Are you a good liar? it depends who i'm lying to and what i'm lying about 52. How long could you go without talking? not long, because i like yelling at my computer when dean is being ridiculous 53. What has been you worst haircut/style? when i got bangs 54. Have you ever baked your own cake? probably lmao 55. Can you do any accents other than your own? no 56. What do you like on your toast? butter 57. What is the last thing you drew a picture of? it was a sigils that i put in one of my paintings 58. What would be you dream car? i don't really like cars but,, a '67 impala just because of spn 59. Do you sing in the shower? Or do anything unusual in the shower? Explain. i sing in the shower?? and it's really bad?? 60. Do you believe in aliens? yes 61. Do you often read your horoscope? not really 62. What is your favorite letter of the alphabet? i like u 63. Which is cooler: dinosaurs or dragons? dragons 64. What do you think about babies? they're cute most of the time 65. Freebie! Ask anything interesting you can think of. "what is your favorite lipstick?" i have teddy bear by melanie + lime crime and i love it