#bc some things stay the same but there's also subtle shifts in how they interact and see each other and that's cool

[swinging-stars-from-satellites]

a faint and faraway sound

1.9k words | pre-canon; late season 2 (references F. Emasculata & Our Town) | MSR | based on this post | tagging @today-in-fic | AO3

Scully never went to speech therapy for her lisp. That would be going a step too far, conceding in a much more tangible way a kind of failure. She'd thought like that even in high school, when she stayed up late trying to train her mouth to move the way everyone else's did. Her father was a Navy captain. Dana would not admit defeat, even by biology and muscle memory.

She watched the way Missy or their mother shaped the S'es in words when they spoke, tried to dissect the movement the way she would dissect a frog or pig fetus in science class. Teeth together, tongue against the lower row, air hissing through. The closest she could come for a very long time was something that sounded closer to "shh".

Having a lisp never bothered Dana in grade school, when half the kids in her classes shared the trait. It was only in middle and then high school that she started to hear the mockeries, the way people mimicked and made her sound stupid. A school counselor at the Navy base when she was sixteen took her parents aside and said something about it, and she heard her parents talking in the kitchen later that night: "She'll grow out of it, I'm sure."

Dana, already more introspective and calculating than her siblings, was not so sure. That was the night she first realized it consciously: she was different. The way she spoke, the heavy lisp she'd carried with her since childhood, set her apart, and not necessarily in a good way. If even her parents were discussing it, if a teacher cared enough to bring it up, it mustn't be as trivial as she'd considered it up to that point.

The teasing never bothered her very much; only made her blush and grimace when she had to speak in class or do a reading. Even Missy made fun, sometimes, repeating things the way Dana says them, but only when other people weren't around. She was careful of other people's feelings like that. It only began to sting after Dana started trying, really thinking about it and making an attempt not to lisp.

She thought maybe the effort made it more noticeable — she stood in front of the bathroom mirror sometimes trying to figure out how she was still saying the S sound wrong, and after a while it became almost habit to try and mouth words along with people when they were talking, just to see how it was supposed to feel.

She asked Bill what he was looking at once at dinner, because he was watching her with a look like he was confused, and he said she was talking funny — Charlie chipped in, then, adding "funnier than normal, even!" and jabbing her with a lighthearted elbow. Dana kicked him under the table and ducked her head to look down at her plate in a failing attempt to hide the flush crossing her cheeks.

"I'm trying not to lisp," she finally said, quietly, forming the S in the word very carefully even though she knew it still didn't sound right. She didn't meet her mother's eyes, only looked to her father for his reaction. His nod of approval sealed her determination.

She didn't see the glance shared between Melissa and their mother, who had been disagreeing over something else just before they sat down to eat, but were the two who understood the best — Dana was liable to take this too much to heart, and if she couldn't change the way she spoke, she would take it as a personal failing.

It took her a long time to reach a point that people who didn't know her — classmates at college, for instance — couldn't tell that she had a lisp. By the time she was in med school, the only tell was the softness of her S'es, a minor slurring of the sound that didn't belie the struggle she had had to make it that way. Occasionally she would catch herself starting to lisp again, saw the way people would glance at her, and she would think of her father's nod at the dinner table that day.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

By the time she starts work at the FBI, she's barely given her lisp half a thought in quite a while. It only ever slips out if she's exceptionally tired or drunk — neither of which are common occurrences. Gone are the days of forcing her mouth to move differently or worrying what classmates or coworkers may think of her. Now, what she concerns herself with is her work, and her partner's relentless search for the truth. She's not quite sure what that means, sometimes.

A month after the disastrous outbreak at the prison in Virginia leaves them both frustrated beyond belief — a very clear, tangible example of Mulder's sometimes- nebulous "truth" being hidden — and two weeks after the deadly case in Dudley, Arkansas, and Scully and Mulder are stuck on a comparatively mundane case in a small town in rural Pennsylvania. A teenager has gone missing, along with his younger sister, both of whom had been involved in a town scandal surrounding a neighbor's dog being shot.

According to the missing children's parents, they had been attacked by the dog on the way home from a late baseball game, and the boy, the older of the two, had felt the need to shoot it with a small pistol he carried. The children's father had emphasized very firmly, almost desperately, that his son had only done so to protect his younger sister. The neighbor whose dog had been shot is a rather suspicious man to begin with, even Scully must admit. They'd questioned him earlier in the evening, and he'd been exceptionally short with them, seemingly trying to get them out the door as quickly as possible.

Mulder's theory is werewolves, because of course it is, and he insists on staking out the neighbor's house, because of course he does — it's still a full moon, he argues, and there's every chance that if the owner was a carrier of lycanthropy, so would his seemingly normal canine be. Scully doesn't even touch that bit of reasoning, just turns her head away so he doesn't see her chuckle.

The neighbor is their primary suspect at the moment — though they'd seen no sign of the missing kids or any place to hide them when they were in the house — so she can't begrudge the stakeout. She's certainly not on board with Mulder's lycanthropy theory, but she half-listens as he he rattles on about the history of werewolves in the state of Pennsylvania. By the time the moon is at its full height, she's an hour past her last cup of coffee and dozing off against the car window. Mulder may be used to keeping these kinds of hours, but she is most definitely not.

"Hey Scully," Mulder says suddenly, just as Scully is on the verge of fully falling asleep.

Scully lifts her head from the glass of the window. "Hm?" She blinks, squinting to try and focus her vision. The attempt fails, so she props her head on her hand and forces herself to listen with her eyes shut.

"What's your medical opinion — could the dog have been a carrier for a lycanthropic virus or bacteria alongside its owner?"

Scully sniffs, trying to formulate a response. "It would most likely be some kind of prion disease," she mumbles in response. "They're, um... transmissible spongiform encephalopathies — a kind of neurodegenerative disorder. They're usually spread by bodily fluids — blood, urine, saliva, you know."

"Okay..." Even half asleep, Scully can hear him prompting her to continue.

"Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease is a TSE, actually," she adds, remembering their most recent active case before this.

Mulder is quiet for a minute and in that time, Scully nearly falls back asleep again. "So you're saying that lycanthropy is — would be," he corrects for her benefit, "A... TSE?"

"Most likely. They cause abnormal folding of brain proteins," she explains, essentially reciting back a chapter of a textbook she barely remembers. "Chronic Wasting Disease."

"Zombie deer?" Mulder asks, surprised.

"Mmhmm." Scully yawns. "CWD is a prion disease."

"Ah."

"But," she says, then pauses.

Mulder hesitates. "But...?"

"It's unlikely that a TSE, even one with canine or even human aggression as symptoms, would cause the kind of physiological shifting commonly accepted of what we think of as werewolves."

Mulder is quiet again for a while, and Scully yawns again. "What time is it?" She asks groggily after a few moments of silence. When Mulder doesn't answer, she finally lifts her cheek from her hand and looks over at him. He's watching her with a curious smile, like something about her is fascinating him. "What?" She asks, feeling suddenly slightly flustered.

"Say that again," he prompts.

Scully blinks, partly to clear the sleepiness from her head but partly in confusion. "What time is it?"

Mulder shakes his head, still watching her with that same look of what she might call wonder. "No, before that."

Scully frowns, trying to remember what she'd even said. "If you weren't paying attention," she says, "That's your own issue. You asked for my opinion and I told you-" And very suddenly, it hits her why he's looking at her like that, and her voice tapers off, leaving her mouth hanging half open.

"I didn't know you have a lisp," Mulder says, still smiling like that. In any context, the way he's looking at her makes her look away.

Scully puts a hand over her mouth and tries not to drown in sudden insecurity. She's barely thought about her lisp in so long, never really considered how she might react when Mulder heard it. She doesn't think he's laughing at her, but she's also startled by the entire situation and a forgotten well of childish self-consciousness starts to open up in her.

"Oh, God," she whispers, looking down at her hands in her lap. She licks her lips, hesitates, thinks very hard about what she's about to say and how it's going to sound. She'd forgotten how much work this takes when she's tired like this. "It slips when I'm tired," she explains. She still doesn't look at Mulder until he reaches across and brushes his fingers against her arm. She looks up, then, and meets his eyes.

Mulder's surprised, wondering smile softens a bit when she meets his gaze. "I like it," he says quietly.

Scully knows somewhere deep in her heart that he's being entirely genuine, and it catches her off guard. She huffs a tiny, startled little laugh and ducks her head again.

"What?" Mulder asks, confused.

Scully sighs. "It took so long to teach myself not to lisp," she says. "I was twenty before I finally managed it." She risks a glance at him out of the corner of her eye.

Mulder tips his head to the side, maybe just listening, maybe trying to catch her eye again. "Wow." He pauses. "I do like it, though."

Scully, tired and with a faint, embarrassed flush fading from her cheeks, finally smiles and tilts her head so he can see it. "Thanks," she answers softly. She's not sure she can quite convey how much his reassurance means to her; she wants, suddenly, to reach over and take his hand, to show how much the affirmation of something she's been so insecure over means to her in a way he understands better. Before she can, though, both of them jump at the sound of a long, high-pitched howl cutting through the night.

"That came from the woods behind the house." Mulder looks at her for confirmation. "Want to do some possible werewolf-wrangling?"

Scully bites back the grin still pulling at her lips. There's a strange lightness in her chest, not just the floaty feeling of exhaustion. "Of course" she replies, the S still half-slurred, and reaches for her door handle.

[myelocin]

Diver | Miya Atsumu

Synopsis: For you, decisions have always resulted in one, then two, then twenty steps back from the jump you know you want to take, but never find the courage to do so. Miya Atsumu was one of those decisions, and it baffles you how he makes the edge seem so inviting.

Characters: Miya Atsumu, You

Warnings/Tags/Genre: Self reflection, Slice of Life, Fluff (atsumu is cute lmao), Mentions of sitting on a cliff, Friendship w Bo!!  Pining!Atsumu, hard to get reader when irl ur just confused , more sky references are surprised? no

WC: 4.6k+

a/n: this was purely based on my desire to explore atsumu and the y/n i headcanon’s character more. this is also to those who struggle to decide which risks are actually worth taking.  (atm this is not edited bc im just gonna do that tomorrow lol)

playlist: Hello by Elijah Who

++note: please click keep reading bc whole thing is posted!

-

You remember standing at the edge of the cliff and thinking about how big and beautiful the world looked at age seven. You think back to the words your grandfather tells you when he sits on the ground next to you and begins to tell the familiar tale of the boy who lived life too scared to leap. You don’t think it was a true story; some elements changed every other time the same story was retold but you listened with rapt attention either way.

Every summer when you visited your grandfather in that little house by the cliff hours away from the rush the city brought, more than half of your days were spent sitting by the edge watching the clouds chase and envelop one another. You’d watch as the blue moved into gold, then orange, then red, then back to blue—and finally dive into black. There was never a day where the chase looked exactly the same.

At nine, you still thought the world looked too vast and beautiful and now you think it was because there was still so much you didn’t know. At sixteen, you remembered seeing more streaks of pink along the horizon in the distance but when you look back at the photos now—it was still really just swirls of red and kisses of orange. Maybe that was the summer you first felt love, because the world you saw in those days were through the rose colored lenses that only you wore.

When your grandfather would ask you why you preferred to sit out by the edge instead of run in the field with the kids you knew nearby you only shrugged and said you didn’t want to miss the stories in the sky later that day. Some days, he’d sit next to you and you’d listen to the story of the boy who never leaped again, but during the last few years of his life when he became too frail for the world, he’d only ruffle your hair and go back inside the house.

There wasn’t a particular reason either; no dramatics that told a heartfelt backstory towards your infatuation with the sky, or a long spill about how you love letting the sounds of the waves crashing silence your thoughts—it was quite the opposite, really. Even when your first love told you it wasn’t working out and you spent the entire evening and the next crying over a story ended, you still sat and watched the colors changing with the expression of wonder that stayed constant since you were a child.

“I still care for you,” you remember him saying and his voice clear in your head doesn’t fight over the sounds of the waves crashing on jagged boulders below.

“—we’re just not meant for each other,” he says again but you don’t feel the need to look away from the sky because the sun’s beginning to dip into the horizon and the violets are starting to paint swirls in the sky.

“I don’t think I ever loved you, (y/n),” you hear along with the cry of a seagull somewhere on your left but you only let out the sigh you’ve held in when the show is over and the black curtains cover the sky. You remember closing your eyes to try to search for that twinge of pain you always read about when your first love is over. But, when you breathe in, you only hear the water below roar. When you breathe out, you hear your grandfather’s call from the house behind you.

That night when you stood up to leave, you dusted the dirt off of your pants and stepped closer to the edge; you weren’t going to jump but you wanted to step into that line of uncertainty to feel that rush.

The feeling you always get when you’re tipping your seat back and you let your fingers graze off of the table you’re supporting yourself with—and you’re dipping into the territory of whether you’ll fall forward or backward. Whether the fall either ways could mean good, or bad.

“Can’t we work this out?” is what you knew you wanted to try to say in the moment he turned his back. And then the first step towards him became one, then two, then three—before your hand stopped short of grabbing his shoulder because you realize you don’t want to say it.

Maybe because you were sixteen and the chemistry test you had to take next period was a more important thought than this, or maybe because this was the kind of puppy love where it as quick as it started—so you didn’t want to tarnish the final chapters with an ugly fight. But, really, you began to think, as your hand curled back into a fist and you watched him with dry eyes turn the corner and disappear, you just don’t have a reason to want to work it out.

So then as the bell rang, you turned to take a step that went from one, to two, to three, four—and then eventually six steps back.

Six steps away from the edge where you let yourself be dangled by uncertainty.

-

The strange part is you don’t remember what began shifting afterwards; when you lost sight of the horizon you spent years losing yet finding yourself in all at once.

After that night, for the years that led up to now it felt like there was never a balance when it came the climax of your decision making. Every time the atmosphere tensed and you feel your gut twist with the pressure of the outcome, your brain is suddenly creating loopholes to mend the situation and your body is already in motion—every single time moving one, to two, to twenty steps away from the drop. That way, you could rock your heels to the side or tip the back of your chair as far back as possible without the need to pull back because you know the steady ground would always break your fall.

You weren’t sure if you necessarily enjoyed it but the cliff by your grandfather’s house doesn’t look the same anymore. This time, you’re sitting in a chair on the porch, a heavy distance away from the pull of gravity down below. Because it’s safe, you reason, but the horizon from your spot doesn’t look quite the same. Peering at the strokes of colors in the 6pm sky through cracks in the porch’s rooftop makes the world feel so little.  You hear the sound of the TV running inside the house instead of the water roaring below and you know it isn’t the same.

But when the sun peeks in finality before diving the world into dark, you stand at the edge of the porch like you did at the edge of the cliff so many times before.

One foot hovering over the ground below and you know your balance is tipping, but you don’t feel anything. There isn’t a hitch in your breath and the feeling of weightlessness and heaviness simultaneously nipping at your skin.

You sigh in blankness as you thrust your body forward and let yourself dive. Before you even leap you already feel the ground beneath your feet.

The ground is only two feet below you. 

-

In your mid-twenties, Miya Atsumu came into your life in a whirlwind of laughter and expressions.

He wasn’t really that spectacular. Sure, Atsumu could twirl a pencil like the honor roll kids as well as he could land a service ace, but that was kind of it.

How the two of you became close friends was always a wonder to you as well. You knew his twin brother—Osamu, after frequenting his onigiri shop every day for lunch, but your interactions with him were mostly limited to the “hi”, “how are you”, “thanks”, and “goodbye”.

Atsumu was, well, interesting to talk to because of all the expressions that substituted some verbal cues in the conversation.

It took getting to know him for about a year and joining him in the last minute road trips he pulled with you to realize how much Atsumu embodied uncertainty.

He was like the push and the pull of the wind when you’re standing at that edge again. Like somewhere between the moments of unfiltered fear from plunging down into the ocean you know you can’t swim in, and that step back of reasoning that tells you a two more steps further means two more steps safer.

He was neither of those, but at the same time, made you feel the magnitude of both simultaneously. Atsumu, to you, was the cliff, the rocking wind, the steady ground, and the plunge below.

And it was frustrating because you couldn’t read him at all.

-

When he asked you one day if you wanted to join him for dinner, this time, just the two of you while the apples of his cheek blushed a visible shade of red despite the dimmed lighting of the sky—you felt your gut churn in uncertainty.

For a while you’ve felt he wanted to push the boundaries of your friendship into a territory more unknown to the both of you, but you thought it would just stop at the experimental prodding. You weren’t blind. You felt how his eyes would trail your profile when he thought your attention was too engrossed in a book, knew that the unmarked box of chocolates were from him because he wasn’t subtle in hiding the special instructions written on the bottom of the box. You saw the triumphant spark in his eye when you told him the gift he gave you on your birthday was exactly what you wanted even if he just shrugged and said he guessed lucky.

And that’s the thing—Atsumu was painfully obvious. He wasn’t explicit about his intentions—he was just obvious; you know he wasn’t dumb enough to leave all these hints and expect you to still not know so that frustrated you even further. Did he want you to find out? Did you want to find out?

“Do ya think you wanna get some dinner tonight?” he quips beside you, “—just us two?” he adds, finishing awkwardly as you two come to a halt in front of the train station.

You think about his offer; you really do. The feeling in your gut doesn’t go away and your left foot is subconsciously rocking backwards. One step back.

“Maybe next time,” you hear yourself say. Atsumu’s deflating in front of you and his right hand rests on the back of his head while he shoves the left into the pocket of his jeans.

Two steps, “I’d love to—“ you continue, “but I may miss the last train and I don’t really wanna take a taxi tonight.”

Atsumu’s nodding his head saying, “Of course! Of course. Yeah, definitely. Next time!” And in a way you’re thankful he doesn’t mention the fact that he could always drive you back instead of letting you take a taxi.

Three steps, as you wave at him from the top steps of the station’s exit.

Four steps, “For sure next time!” you call out as he waves at your retreating figure with a smile. Neither of you really have faith on when next time will be, nor were sure if either of you believed it in the first place.

It’s when the train doors close and you’re holding on the railing where it dawns on you that you just took about 20 more steps back.

-

Two weeks after Atsumu’s offer of a dinner date was when Bokuto comes to you to say that he understands why you rejected the offer.

“You and him are just too different from each other,” he says like he made a profound discovery and not like he’s commenting on your love life.

“Aren’t opposites supposed to attract?” you ask.

“Not all the time,” Bokuto answers almost immediately and you nod your head choosing to not expand on the topic while your mind begins to whirl at his words.

On the bright side, you were glad neither you nor Atsumu spoke much about it. The days where you’d spend the afternoons with the team until practice ended, if nobody wanted to catch dinner the two of you would eventually just part ways at the train station he walked you to every night.

“I could always drive you home, ya know, I’m a good driver,” he says when you search through your bag for your PASMO card.

“I live in the opposite way you’re going, ‘Tsumu,” you laugh, albeit still appreciative at his offer.

“I know,” he replies and rattles his keys in his hands.

You’re still digging through your bag as you look for the card you know you must have left at home before you finally sigh and look at him looking at you holding out his keys.

“C’mon, (Y/n), I won’t speed I swear!” Atsumu laughs as he leads the way to the parking lot.

-

A few more weeks pass and you’re glad no one mentions the fact that you follow Atsumu into the parking lot every time practice ends. The day after he drove you home for the first time, you flashed the PASMO card you made sure to have with you this time and told him thank you for dropping you off the day before. He only rolled his eyes as he grabbed your wrists and pulled you in the car with him.

In hindsight, you could have said no and waved him off like usual, but your feet were matching the steps in his before you could even process what you were doing. He just drove you home, made small talk, and asked about your days most of the time—so all in all it was pleasant.

And you lived in the west side of town so drive always meant that the both of you had a front seat view to the sky’s art show. One thing you noticed (and appreciated) about Atsumu was the duality in his focus.

First hand, you’ve seen up close the intensity of his focus during his serves. The air would whip itself into a deafening silence at the drop of his hand and his eyes steeled over as fast as the sounds came to a halt—it was eerie, almost. In the way that sent chills down your spine and admiration bubble in the pits of your stomach. Then, as quick as the ball slams on the spot of the ground he aimed towards—the yell of triumph he’d express and the smile that would break into his face would overflow from his whole being. Like exhaling shakily after a sharp intake of breath—Atsumu was everything intense.

But, Atsumu, you think as you peek at him looking at the skies in front of him, was also serene. The kind of focus that pulled you in all the right ways. Like the gentle teacher you had from elementary who would coax you softly to focus sounding out the words in the passage you had trouble pronouncing. His hands were steady on the wheel, at 10 and 2 and the car would slowly come to a stop at every red light instead of the sharp lurch your body moves into when you press the brake a little too harshly. He only sometimes put music in the car—he told you he prefers to have your voice as company instead of hearing about the weather from the radio.

It surprised you, but at this point Atsumu brought nothing in your life but surprises. Then again, it wasn’t necessarily a bad thing—you were just used to feeling the ground before you fell so his uncertainty was still very much of an unmarked territory for you.

-

“Is it something about me?” he asked when the two of you exited the car and stood outside the entrance to your apartment building.

You know what he’s talking about, but you opt to stay silent and look at him with your head tilted instead because you already feel the urge to take one step back.

He’s still looking at you even as the passing moments are stretching into an awkward silence so he sighs and shoves his hands back in his pockets—something he does when he’s nervous, you noticed—and waved you off when you opened your mouth to try to retaliate. You’re thankful because you aren’t exactly sure what it was you were going to say anyway.

“Don’t worry ‘bout it,” he says as he turns.

“See ya tomorrow?”

He waits for you to nod and wave a goodbye at him, which he first smiles at, before he starts the car and drives away.

-

His question “doesn’t keep you up at night,” is what you try to convince yourself when it’s 2:05 am on a Tuesday night and all you’ve done so far is toss and turn in bed. To prove your own point, you’ve sat up and turned the bedside lamp on while you scroll through some unopened emails on your laptop.

Halfway into retyping the same email you know you’ve been staring at for the past hour, Atsumu’s contact photo chimes in your phone in the form of a text message.

“you up?” it reads from the notification bar and you automatically shut your laptop close, turn off the lamp, and throw your covers over your head.

“No,” you reply out loud and you internally groan because of how ridiculous you’re being.

Your thoughts from the night before still remain in your head as you’re sitting on the bench beside the court later that afternoon as you type away at your laptop. It’s still the same email you never replied to last night, but you try to ignore that. You also ignore the fact that you’ve kept count of how many times the ball slammed on the opposite side of the net when Atsumu practiced his serves.

You don’t notice it when Bokuto takes a seat next to you and looks over your shoulder at the email you’re not even halfway through typing.

“That’s the same email opened since this morning,” he points out and you groan before turning to face and quickly shush him.

He’s laughing when he takes a seat next to you.

“You know,” he begins, “I think you’re just scared to feel something for Atsumu.”

You close your laptop—the draft of your email unsaved, like it had any coherent content anyway.

“Bo, you’re being silly,” you reply knocking your shoulder against his in laughter.

“You’re avoiding the conversation, (y/n),” he laughs back and you wave him off towards the court in laughter when the coach calls for him.  He stretches when he stands back up and tells you, “We’ll talk about this later because I think you need it,” before jogging off to the other side of the gym.

Inwardly, you heave another sigh, because this was one of the times where Bokuto’s being more serious. You had to give him credit—the duality in his personality and harsh line when he switched from jesting to seriousness was impressive. Bokuto Koutarou wasn’t smart in many aspects of the domestic parts of life—he didn’t understand taxes, or why you needed to change the oil often, but he had a way of looking through the layers people build around themselves.

At first, it caught you off guard because two weeks after you met you had only been sitting outside a convenience store watching him lick the melted parts of his ice cream on his hands when he suddenly turns to you and says, “(Y/n), I wish you would take risks more. You’re too cautious.”

He never brought it up again, but every time he chose to tell you something—it was always something you knew, never acknowledged, but needed to hear.

So when Atsumu waves at you and shouts that he’ll just shower and be out in thirty minutes, you ignore the urge to step back, and smile at him instead.

You’re thinking about Bokuto’s words again as you listen to Atsumu yell something at Sakusa from inside the locker room.

You’re too different from each other.

You suppose there are differences, especially in the way you address your friends—Atsumu’s not afraid to clap your back while he laughs while you choose to keep your hands to yourself. He’s not afraid to let his intentions be known while you try to wrestle with your thoughts every time you’re shifting closer to the edge.

You could always walk away, you tell yourself every day, but every day you also choose to not do that. You know day by day and sunset after sunset you watch with Atsumu you’re nearing that edge again—and you want nothing more than take twenty more steps back but each day he offers you a new joke that you genuinely laugh at you know it’s a couple centimetres closer to where you’re afraid of going.

Bokuto’s right, you’re different from each other, but you know deep down that you’re alike in so many ways. When Atsumu talks about what he wants to do accomplish in life outside of volleyball, he talks with such a childish wonder in the certainty of the tone of his voice. At times, he was stubborn to the core—just like you were, and you realize that would clash between the both of you some day but Atsumu smiling as he’s jogging towards you has you realizing that you don’t really mind at all.

“Ready to go?” he asks and you could only nod as you follow him out the door.

Bokuto’s looking at you and giving you a thumbs up which you nervously return with a smile of your own.

During the car ride back home, you’re thankful that Atsumu chooses to flip on the radio this time; you didn’t plan on telling much of a story, and your thoughts are too jumbled up with everything for you to even settle with small talk.

“You good?” he asks, then looks over at you at the red light. You nod yes and shift the bag sitting in your lap.

“The sky looks pretty today,” you begin, “—the sunset today looks like the ones I grew up seeing when I was a kid at my grandfather’s by the coast.”

Atsumu hums, but it’s still heard over the low volume of the car’s radio, “You should take me to see one day.”

Your gut churns and you curse yourself when you habitually chose to stay silent.

“I don’t mean it like I’m inviting myself there, (Y/n)—“

“It’s okay, you should visit with me next time,” you reply then turn to watch his expression shift from flustered to surprise from his profile. You’re watching him with baited breath and your heart thumping can almost be heard when the radio dips into a silence in the commercial.

The light switches to green and Atsumu eases his foot off of the break as the car slowly gains momentum before he’s nodding his head and saying a soft, “Yeah. Sure. Totally.”

It’s quite uncharacteristic for him to be so muted with his replies, but you suppose these are one of the similarities you’re discovering you have with Atsumu. He’s confident and barks out his comments when his emotions are running high, but at the moment you know the both of you are tiptoeing around that line of uncertainty at the moment.

When his pointer figure taps the steering wheel in an unknown rhythm, a nervous habit of his, you feel yourself slightly relax. The difference this time from that hallway breakup you had when you were sixteen was both of you were at the same page. That boy who said he didn’t love you let the certainty in his intentions be known in the way you could already anticipate the long term ending for. There was nothing more to be uncovered—and you didn’t find the push to dive down for more.

This, with Atsumu, was a different story. You had curiosity with the unclarity. You craved to unravel his truth. 

Truthfully, every decision you’ve made so far had you already seeing the outcome—that’s why you’ve only felt like you were only jumping to a ground two or three feet under you.

With Atsumu, you’ve come to realize that he personified the edge. At the same time, he was the push and the pull of the wind when you’re balancing yourself between curiosity and reason. You know the frustration you feel when you can’t read him comes from the fact that you’re only seeing him from the surface. You see licks of who he is with every slam of the ball and every spark in his eye. 

But just when you feel that knot in your stomach, you allow reason to cloud your desire to jump into the blurred lines of variability— Every. Single. Time.

And it frustrates you because twenty steps back have become too comfortable for you to try to leave. You hated it, but you knew what was waiting for you every time, so you learned to find the comfort in it.

The truth is, you’ve always had the curiosity towards what it felt like to plunge. Like the story your grandfather would tell you—it ended with the boy dying by the edge he never found the curiosity to jump in, surrounded by the questions that ultimately died with him. It was a pitiful end, and up till now you believe the entire story could have been avoided. You know you’re always thinking about the dive and what comes with it, but never found quite the push that’d lead you to want to throw your body forward and seek.

You know Bokuto always had a point in the passing comments he tells you when you least expect it. Bokuto presented them to you in forms of declarations not even in questions.

The sky in front of you is the same sky you stood under when you dangled your feet over the edge, fearless, years ago. Atsumu feels like the push and pull of the wind, and the tug of gravity under your soles when he looks at you as you stand in front of your apartment building.

You’re not in the cliff side this time but you see the horizon you forgot you loved when Atsumu shoves his hands in his pockets and offers you a smile.

You hear the cry of the waves below and the call of the seagulls to your left when Atsumu says, “About earlier, you don’t have to worry about it—I was just jokin.”

“You’re scared to feel something for Atsumu,” you hear Bokuto tell you when you itch to take a step back, then, “I wish you’d take more risks.”

“I wanna take the risk,” you say out loud and Atsumu looks at you quizzically, before softening his eyes when he realizes what you’re trying to say.

And you could almost laugh because of course he understands what you mean. Atsumu knew more than he let on and you could laugh again at the mirroring of your personalities. It was opposite and identical at the same time: identical like the both of you understanding each other’s metaphors without explanation, and opposite in the way he always addresses them while you do, well, the opposite of that.

“I wanna jump,” you say even if it doesn’t make sense because you’re confident the message will reach him all the same.

Atsumu’s beaming and you think it looks like the sun that’s looked at you from the horizon for years. When he takes your hands in his, you inhale yet feel breathless because the balls of your feet feel weightless and your body is leaning forward.

And when the clouds in the sky blend with the painting and Atsumu leans forward, you let gravity take you—

Then, you’re diving.

-

[raifuujin]

Hello! I may regret asking this bc I'm doing it out of impulse. I always respect your opinions, it's really nice to see a person who can differentiate canon/fanon well, being realistic. I like that you spend time, enjoying things you love. I'm also amazed how you can passively ship everything and not judge others about it too hard. Anyway. Even if I feel unreasonably guilty for others, I want to know what you think of romantic compatibility?.. of HeiShin. Since you made good points with KaiShin-

To be fair, my passive shipping is also a kinda generic ‘does this idea someone has presented look cute? yes, yes it does’ thing. I might not actually ship everything (some exclusions do apply), but if other people are making content and just enjoying something, I just chill in the corner and go ‘cool, not my thing, but you do you’. Chilling is a nice way to go about staying long term in fandom in general.

But anyway, yes, logic overanalyzing of HeiShin. Hmm... It’s always been a little odd to me why KaiShin tends to be what I see casually compared to HeiShin, tbh.

I mean, I get why KaiShin is popular and all, but... the friendship between Heiji and Shinichi is one where you can change pretty much nothing about how they interact with each other and just say they’re romantically interested. It’s the kind of relationship that, if it were done with another female character instead of a male, there would already have been a love rivalry story with Ran. The kind that male writers tend to only portray so well because they have a very specific idea for what romance is and, because the two characters are guys, casual intimacy and camaraderie can exist without any very obvious romantic attraction writing throwing it off. Then the fans can take that foundation and add a romance however they want, whether by using the tried and true love drama that works for any ship, or by doing a subtle shift where it feels almost too natural how the canon characters could end up together.

It might be that people are too used to a friendly rival character relationship in media in general. It can come out of any genre, while the ‘rogue and the lawful one trying to catch him’ is slightly less common and the one people gravitate toward when given the option. (And Kid stands out so much.)

Heiji and Shinichi have plenty of compatibility, though. Even... five years ago (which I had to look up and I’m not sure how I feel about 30 days of DCMK being that old), I thought they had the best chemistry from a pair who wasn’t a canon ship. (And more than a few who are canon ships, really. The HeijiShinichi relationship is OP, but shouldn’t be nerfed.)

Strictly focusing on how they might be when romantically paired with each other, just imagine this: Them just hanging out, Heiji doing something stupid that makes a mess, they’re both laughing. Shinichi good naturedly calling him an idiot, but also becomes aware that he’s focusing on Heiji’s smile, has a moment of ‘oh no’, and then tries so hard to not blush. Heiji is 100% oblivious to other people’s interest in him, so Shinichi has a lot of time to process his exact feelings before deciding how to approach Heiji with them.

Heiji being dense to feelings while Shinichi tends to understand how people are feeling (and can then consider why they might be feeling certain ways) in general is a fun idea to play with. Certain parts of their personalities are complete opposites, but the kind that either can appreciate about the other. Completely in sync when it comes to logical thought process, but they sometimes have different ways of approaching things on a personal basis, just overall good supporting and working off of each other. ShinRan compatibility would best be compared to like. A puzzle whose pieces connect perfectly, solid connection in complementing each other. (Most canon ships are meant to be this kind of complementing.) HeiShin would be when you have another puzzle in the same mold, put the pieces from both wherever looks good, and it still makes a good looking picture. It’s a similar concept, but not in the way it was built for, or how it was expected to interact with other pieces. How their personalities and backgrounds were built to interact as rivals works perfectly in creating the base for a different relationship. (Moreso than KaiShin, which probably wouldn’t include a border to the overall puzzle, and not everything slots in as nicely because they’re not even from the same brand of puzzle much less mold, but man it can look great when done well.)

There’s probably more I could say, but I know I’m rambling at this point. HeiShin is a ship that I’d need to try and pick one aspect at a time to hit all the points that could be made about how it’d work as a romantic relationship. I don’t have it narrowed down to any individual aspects atm to talk about though, so a general ramble happens. ^^;

[nnegan13]

Okay, so the Boat Scene (as I am hereby calling it): chock full of symbolism and metaphors and it’s making me yell, quite frankly. 

Given that this is a period romance, each interaction between designated or potential love interests should be looked at with a Romantic Lens, which is how I drew these metaphors. I am no expert at script writing or directing or filming or anything involved with TV production, plus it’s really late and my brain isn’t working super well anymore lmao. Forgive me for not being the most coherent I’ve ever been. 

I’ve written a transcript of the dialogue as well as actions I find significant to the scene. It can be found here, along with where I use it in this meta. The video of the scene can be found here (ok it’s not working in my drive but I'm leaving it there in hopes that I'll remember to come back to it in the morning). also bc tumblr hates me I've put this all in a doc that has the original formatting I used if you want to, like, not be as confused as the tumblr formatting of this meta will make you lmao. 

now to the meta. @viviansternwood thanks for being my excuse to do this  lmaooo <3

The scene occurs in four shifts: rowing, rivers, boats, and rowing again. 

Shift the first: rowing 

Charlotte: It’s a little over an hour until the race Mr. Parker, I’m letting all the competitors know.  Sidney: Thank you. What do you think Miss Heywood, do I look ready to you?  C: I’m no expert.  S: Neither am I, regrettably. I haven’t picked up an oar in years. Sidney picks up the oars.  C: I’m sure it will come back to you. S: I wonder.  Sidney heads to the boat. Charlotte picks up her own set of oars and walks to the boat as well. She hands him the oars  S: Thank you. 

The dialogue is innocent enough, but the metaphor can be drawn looking at this line from Sidney: 

S: Neither am I, regrettably. I haven’t picked up an oar in years.

In years should immediately draw attention, given that Sidney also hasn’t been in a relationship since his with Eliza, years ago. With this connection, the metaphor that rowing skill is romantic skill is established. The scene reads much differently now: 

Charlotte: It’s a little over an hour until the race Mr. Parker, I’m letting all the competitors know.  Sidney: Thank you. What do you think Miss Heywood, do I look ready to you?  —> Do I look ready for a relationship? I mean, in your opinion?  C: I’m no expert.  —> I don’t know, I’ve never been in a relationship before, I’m no expert on them.  S: Neither am I, regrettably. I haven’t picked up an oar in years. —> I wouldn’t say I’m an expert on romance either, I haven’t been in a relationship in years.  Sidney picks up the oars.  C: I’m sure it will come back to you.  —> *thinking about the fact that his last girlfriend is back* I’m sure it won’t be a problem for you to work it out again.  S: I wonder.  —> *thinking about everything that’s gone wrong with Charlotte rather than Eliza in any capacity* I doubt it.  Sidney heads to the boat. Charlotte picks up her own set of oars and walks to the boat as well. She hands him the oars  S: Thank you. 

Now for the oars. I’m real big on word definitions so: 

Oars are specifically used to propel boats through the water. Sidney takes a set, Charlotte takes a set, they both end up in the boat. Onto shift two. 

Shift Two: the river and philosophy 

Since the romantic lens is already applied to this scene, we can just look straight at the dialogue without establishing the romantic connection.  

Charlotte begins to turn back to the tent.  —> Sidney sees her leaving and immediately calls her back. Like literally look at the video I’m gonna attach to the end of this and just scream. As soon as he sees her turn around he launches into this concept like, Sidney, dude, you’re not being subtle.  S: A man cannot step into the same river twice, you ever heard that?  —> I don’t think I can get back together with Eliza. Do you understand why?  Both sets of oars are now placed in the boat. During the last line, Sidney put Charlotte’s oars down as he spoke.  —> think of the definition of oars while I hold you in suspense for Shift the Third C: He is not the same man and it is not the same river.  —> You are not the same and neither is Eliza.  Sidney smiles.  —> Damn you understand me better than I understand myself.  C: It’s Heraclitus.  —> I have to cite my sources that aren’t my personal investments in your romantic life.  S: Yes. Of course you’d know that. Well— —> The fact that you know that pleases me to absolutely no end. 

Metaphor established: the river is Eliza and Sidney’s relationship, Sidney can’t step back into it because he is a different man. 

According to this neat philosophy website, Heraclitus’s original quote is more like  

Which apparently means something like this:  

Which in the context of our dear Sidney and Charlotte means that over the years, since personalities are not stagnant and people do change, Sidney “stepping into” Eliza would prompt not Sidney and Eliza getting back together, but Sidney turning toward Charlotte instead. 

Here’s the mental math bc I’m still a little confused (I’m not a philosopher, clearly): 

River = Eliza  River also is the same according to Heraclitus  Heraclitus also said “not everything is changing, but because some things (ie, Sidney) change, other things come into existence (ie, Sidney and Charlottes relationship) 

So, basically, the Heraclitus quote on the surface level is saying that Sidney and Eliza are two different people, so their relationship won’t work anymore, and on a deeper level (ie, fucking looking up the context of the Heraclitus quote for a meta about fictional characters) it’s saying that because Eliza hasn’t changed but Sidney has, Sidney and Charlotte’s relationship sprung into existence rather than Sidney staying the same with Eliza. 

If you don’t get the deeper level, it’s cool bc I also don’t really get the deeper level. The surface level works just fine for this conversation lmao. 

Shift the Third: boat 

Now, the third metaphor drawn is that of boats. Our Romance Lenses are on. 

Sidney unlashes the boat.  —> It’s already been established Sidney is Looking for Romance through the line “do I look ready to you?” Him unlashing the boat is him establishing that he’s trying to enter a relationship. He himself is unsure of exactly what he’s doing, but the fact that the scene is happening with Charlotte instead of with Eliza is pretty telling. He’s more unsure of what to do that who he’s doing it with. If you can’t tell, I have zero doubts about who Sidney has feelings for and who he doesn’t have feelings for.  S: —I need a second person to balance the boat, would you mind?  —> *Sidney, knowing that his relationship with Charlotte has been touch and go, realizes that he needs to be clear through all of this and establish that he does want her* I can’t exactly have a relationship by myself, do you want to do this with me?  He offers her his hand to help her get into the boat.  —> before this he looked away, which is where I got the idea that he realized the undertones/my meta of the situation as it was playing out. Gotta look away to compose yourself before asking the love of your life if she wants to get in a relationship with you, amirite?  C: I’m not sure if I —  —> Sidney, you confuse the ever-living hell out of me, I don’t even know if I’m the person you want to be with— S: Come on.  —> Charlotte, please, I want you.  Charlotte, unsure, gets into the boat, grabbing one of Sidney’s hands. His other hand goes to her waist. She rushes a little, and rocks the boat. He does not let go until the boat is steady again. —> The rocking of the boat is tell-tale of Charlotte’s character, she often rushes into situations without thinking them through, similar to how she gets onto the boat in a bit of a rush and it rocks. Sidney doesn’t let go of her waist until the boat steadies. Even with my interpretation of what Sidney said, Charlotte’s uncertainty means Sidney needs to be more explicit.  S: Careful. Sit down behind you.  —> It’s okay, I’ve got you, I’m here for you, it’s not just you here in this thing, I’m gonna be with you the whole time.  Sidney pats her hand before letting it go. He sets an oar in place, pushes them off, and starts rowing. —> He gives her a reassuring pat on the hand before letting her go. He lets her know where the best place to sit is, essentially reassuring here that he’s there to help her. The oar’s purpose is to propel the boat, Sidney sets the boat in motion.  

Jumping out of that last one to collect my thoughts. Since the boat is a metaphor for their relationship, Sidney is essentially asking Charlotte to enter into a romantic relationship with him (“I need a second person to balance the boat” meaning he can’t be in a relationship by himself). The entire way into the boat, Sidney is there to reassure Charlotte she isn’t going to fall into the water: they grasp hands, he takes a hold of her waist, he waits for the boat to stop rocking, directs her to where she can sit, and then lets go when they both know she’s not going to fall. 

Finally to the oars. Oars are meant to propel the boat forward and steer it through the water. Since the boat is the relationship, the oar is a metaphor for the effort put toward propelling the relationship ahead. Sidney first rows, as we can see from 1.06 and other bits of 1.07: he asks Charlotte to come to the ball with him, he stays by her side for the beginning of the party and only leaves when he has to help Tom. I assume once he was done he went to find wherever Charlotte went, and immediately asked her to dance. “I don’t want to dance with anyone else,” “I might wait for you downstairs if you don’t mind” (into 1.07 territory, now) C: you’re not nearly as unfeeling as you pretend “Well, if that is the case, I would ask you to keep it to yourself, I have a reputation to uphold.” (the fact that Charlotte is the only one to know he’s a big softie,,,,,,the implications of it all, also he’s establishing a teasing relationship with her here), plus everyone’s favorite from the end of the episode that I’m including just because it’s my meta and I want to lmao “I believe I am my best self, my truest self, when I’m with you.” 

He’s been doing the metaphorical romantic rowing (and for good reason, Charlotte’s been the one all season to fix their misunderstandings with one another, so he needs to step up lmao), and so he puts in the oar first and rows first. 

Shift Four: rowing, again 

Now that rowing has been established as a metaphor for the propulsion of their romantic relationship, the undertones of the physicality in this shift come out just as much as the undertones of the dialogue of this shift do. 

S: May I ask you something, Miss Heywood? Why is it, that when I finally have a chance at happiness, I cannot accept the fact?  —> Literally the girl I was going to marry is back and yet I can’t get myself to date her C: What is it that you cannot accept?  —> I want to die low-key over the fact that we’re talking about your ex, but I’m a good person so I’m going to help you talk through this. Also I want to know what you’re thinking.  S: I had convinced myself I was destined to remain alone, that I was ill-suited for matrimony. —> I thought I was gonna die alone but now I have trouble believing that? And coincidentally that trouble started up when I met you  C: I don’t believe that anybody is truly ill-suited to marriage, not even you. —> It hurts that you think you won’t get married because look at your face. Also I’m taking a jab at you because that’s how our relationship works. Also what the fuck do you think ill-suited means? Marriage isn’t a job that you have to have certain qualities for.  Sidney laughs.  —> I’m gonna get into the difference between matrimony and marriage below okay? Prepare yourself. Also Sidney has a thing for teasing big time.  C: I supposed it’s just a question of compatibility  —> Ill-suited doesn’t even mean what you think it means, you’ve got to try at marriage Sidney and just because your ex dumped you and is back now doesn’t mean you automatically have to get back with her. Destiny isn’t real. Marriage is about finding someone you work well with, not fulfilling some fairytale, destiny, fate thing.  S: Yes. I supposed you’re right. Now, its your turn, give me your hands.  —> I’m in love with you, just a little bit. Now let me teach you the art of metaphorical rowing.  They start rowing together. Both watch the progression of the oars to make sure it’s going smoothly.  —> Rowing has been established as propulsion of the relationship, Sidney is showing Charlotte that he wants her to row, he wants her to be a participant in their boat of a relationship.  S: Roll/row your hands. Good.  —> Sidney has seen here that Charlotte’s rowing works with his, he’s telling her that her rowing is working for him and for their boat.  Charlotte takes a moment to watch her rowing.  —> She’s looking to see what he’s seeing.  S: That’s it. Yeah, keep your back straight.  —> More reaffirmations that what she’s doing is working for him, that this is what he wants and that she’s doing great. Also an excuse to touch her because they’re both repressed horny on main this is a period romance and all touching automatically charges a scene both for the audience and for the characters. Sidney wants Charlotte to get that this is romantic.  Sidney touches her waist, she readjusts herself, he smiles. They’re both smiling wide, Sidney is laughing, Charlotte looks sure of herself for the first time in that scene. Camera cuts wide to show them on the boat together. Sidney lets go and Charlotte rows by herself. Eliza enters the scene and when it cuts back to the boat, they’re both rowing together again. When Sidney looks over when she calls, he’s smiling. Eliza looks unsure of herself. —> got slightly carried away on that last little bit but imagine the stuff about the waist touch down here. Now that Sidney’s reassured her, Charlotte’s uncertainty disappears, she looks sure of herself for the first time in the whole scene because Sidney has given clear indications that he wants to be with Charlotte which is what makes the entire scene with Eliza and Lady Susan later that much more heartbreaking she’s finally been given indication that her feelings are returned, that she’s not foolish for feeling as she is. When Sidney lets go, it’s an indication that the next batch of romantic rowing (beyond the end of the episode) is going to be done by Charlotte because of his declaration at the end of the episode. The camera cuts to Eliza but when it cuts back to the boat, they’re rowing together again, indicating that they’re together in what they’re feeling and that their relationship and feelings are strong. Sidney is fucking smiling when he looks over at Eliza on the shore because he was smiling at Charlotte when Eliza called to him. If their feelings weren’t strong, why would Eliza be looking so worried about the race she only entered because she knew she would win? 

Okay I kind of got carried away explaining in that last bullet point but you get the picture. Sidney rows first because he initiates the romantic development of their relationship (as in the development that can be looked at in universe, not just by the audience, as romantic), them rowing together is an affirmation that they’re on the same page (for the moment, soon ruined by the appearance of Eliza and Sidney’s loyalty and politeness to meaningful people in his life), and Charlotte rowing by herself is an indication that in the end, the decision is hers to add to the propulsion of the boat (ie decide whether or not she wants to be with Sidney), because the boat can’t be rowed by a single person. 

Now into the discussion of matrimony versus marriage.   

The definition of matrimony focuses on the ceremony of being wed, whereas marriage focuses on the partnership and relationship aspect of being wed. Sidney says he didn’t believe he was suited for matrimony, as in the ceremony. He focuses on the formal action because that’s what it’s meant in his life. The one woman he wanted to marry left him for someone with more money, clearly teaching him that marriage is a business transaction, not something romantic. Charlotte uses the word marriage, which emphasizes the actual relationship itself and being with another person, because she’s a romantic. She’s shown time and time again her belief in love throughout the season. Sidney doesn’t think he can participate in the business of matrimony, whereas Charlotte believes he can experience marriage and romance as long as he finds someone he is compatible with. Lads, 

Harmony brings us back to balance (“I need a second person to balance the boat”). Together brings us back to the rowing. 

Other thoughts/observations outside the shifts 

competitors: Stringer and Sidney, Eliza and Charlotte 

“Neither am I, regrettably. I haven’t picked up an oar in years.” —> call back to their conversation in 1.06, Charlotte calls him unfeeling, he says his life would’ve been easier if he was unfeeling, the romantic metaphor of the rowing shows that this line also means that Sidney regrets, at this moment for reasons we as the audience don’t know yet Charlotte, wishes he’d had romance in his life between when Eliza left him and now. 

“Of course you’d know that.” —> in-conversation kicking himself for underestimating her 

The rowing is a test of their compatibility. Idk if I got that in during all of that up there, but it’s late so I don’t feel like checking atm. 

He’s so gentle with her throughout the entire scene. He knows being abrasive is just going to get both of them angry, and while that can be productive for their development (try to tell me it’s not, please), it’s not at the moment because it involves pushing away before coming to a better understanding. He wants to skip the pushing part, and also Sidney is just Soft™ deep down, especially with Charlotte when they’re not at odds. 

Also the balancing, their entire development throughout the season has been about them balancing their extreme characteristics 

In conclusion 

The entire boat scene is a metaphor for Sidney asking Charlotte to be with him and Charlotte being unsure because his ex-fiancee is literally here (and he literally was the one to bring her to Sanditon) and Charlotte and Sidney’s relationship has always been a bit rocky. If Eliza hadn’t shown up when she had, I’m sure that boat ride would’ve ended with Charlotte feeling a lot more confident with where she stands with Sidney. 

Since Sidney was confident with his feelings the entire time, he feels comfortable enough to make the Heraclitus joke/reference in conversation with Charlotte later, but Eliza hijacks it and turns it from a nice moment between Charlotte and Sidney into a moment of competition, which sours the conversation in a similar way that Stringer and Sidney’s conversation after the boat race is soured when Stringer brings up “the prize he wanted.” 

Even though I’m annoyed that Eliza interrupted their boat ride, I think it was necessary so that the conversation later could go as it did (also this meta about that convo is great) and so Stringer and Sidney’s conversation could go ask it did and because it allowed Eliza to think she had “won,” so to speak, and prompt her to talk to Sidney. All three of those interactions influence how Sidney was feeling and ultimately culminated in Sidney going to Charlotte that night and saying “I believe I am my best self, my truest self, when I’m with you.” So while it sucks that it was interrupted, it was ultimately necessary for Sidney to confess and put Charlotte in the position of choosing (ie, rowing by herself) next episode. 

And I guess the conclusion to this conclusion is that the Boat Scene was fully of heavy romantic metaphor and symbolism, Sidney is a hundred percent into Charlotte and Charlotte only and he was even when Eliza showed up, he just needed time and a few gentle kicks to the head (Eliza being rude about Charlotte constantly, seeing that Stringer is interested in Charlotte, seeing Charlotte’s uncertainty about his feelings) to shake off the residual feelings for an ex-fiancee that your family won’t let go about you guys being destined to be together again, and Charlotte gets to choose if she wants to be with him next episode. And I’ve got a feeling she’s going to decide she wants to. 

[blacknovelist]

K A T S U K I B A K U G O, for the ask thingy please! Thank you!

i love these letter headcanons so much, my dudes

(okay so like, honesty hour it’s been a Solid While since I’ve read BNHA and I haven’t caught up yet but here’s my hot takes as requested.

I think the last I solidly caught up was about, like, the cultural festival? So if something happened later to like, contradict with these, just disregard it and don’t let me know - I’ll catch up and see for myself eventually.)

K: how do you know when you’ve upset them?

See, the thing about Bakugo is - he’s a loud sort, and it’s easy to assume (so very, very, very easy) that he is so in everything he ever does. He screams and hisses and swears and shouts at so many things, it’s his defining trait. The thing is, it’s not his volume that tells you first, if you know what to look for.

Nah, it’s in the look on his face. The way the lines of his cheek n jaw shift and his hands twitch and for a moment he ain’t just glaring and frowning at you or the world but at himself, too. When he realizes he’s upset his first instinct is always to reach inward, somehow - whether bodily or mentally or both, it depends - and study it. Examine it. Look at it. Once he’s got it pinned, then, then he’s gotta look for an outlet - a means to further that understanding if you will. And sometimes maybe also he’ll look to lash out at someone he sees as responsible for his pain, if such a person exists. It’s just, his brain works so fast - Bakugo is a prodigy in his own right, brilliant beneath all that rage - that actually noticing that moment, not passing it off as a fidget or a twitch or anything else it isn’t, is already hard enough as it is.

See like, his shouting, it’s a defense, but it’s also just who he is (be loud, they’ll notice you, attention is good). It’s that half-step pause, when he’s knocked off balance and that unsure look crosses his face as he does, thats when you know.

And then he’ll blast your ears off one way or another, and if you didn’t notice he’ll usually get louder and start cussing you out and you kind of have to notice. Unless you’ve really really upset him - then he goes a little quieter (in the way a car horn is softer than a foghorn) and obliterates you with his words. Bakugo will always know the most efficient way to shut someone down using only his words, you just gotta coax him to it. And when he’s upset, well, no one wants to keep talking to someone who’s made them upset - ending the conversation by returning the favor is just a bonus.

(Of course, I’m registering “upset” as not including or being the same as “anger”, at least at it’s core (bc he’ll progress to being angry abt it eventually), because Bakugo being angry is something we’re all quite familiar with. And of course, this is assuming someone has found the right buttons to push to even make him upset, given the fact that I also believe he just doesn’t care enough to really let what others say get to him.

If anyone’s gonna make Bakugo genuinely upset, I’d bet more money on it being himself - thinking, dreaming, wondering, questioning everything he’s done and is doing and will someday do, probably - than anyone else. But were that not the case, well. Here we are.)

A: what are/were their best subjects in school?

Bakugo is a boy of many talents - you need the best grades to get into UA, after all. I think he probably did best in English, because All Might is known to speak English phrases from time to time. (This is related to the fact that Bakugo is the English teacher in Ageswap)

He likely also is good with chemistry, given his Quirk - he’s gotta understand reactions and gases and which ones are where generally, the interactions of substances and those gasses with his Quirk and also their reactions when exposed to heat/light/etc, what things he can use to fuel explosions or put out fires caused by it, so on.

T: Where are they ticklish?

I don’t particularly imagine Bakugo as a ticklish person? Partially because he wouldn’t let anyone close enough to tickle, but mostly because he just doesn’t strike me like that (and it’s not because I’m not ticklish, because I am unfortunately extremely so). If I had to give a place, I’d say it’s probably somewhere a little strange, like the soles of his feet or the back of his neck or something.

S: How stealthy are they?

At first glance, unbelievably so. Those who know Bakugo know better, of course, but nonetheless. Despite the boisterous and angry manner Bakugo holds himself he is, again, extremely smart. He knows when to be subtle, when to quiet down and, most important in this case, when to lay low and sneak.

I don’t think I’d put him as like, top sneaker of the class, but the boy knows how to creep when he needs to. On a scale where say, Hagakure was 10/10, I’d pin him a solid 6 or 7/10 when he’s actually trying.

U: What’s their voice like?

I’ve always imagined his voice as always having a sort of… edge to it. Not a gritty-sounding emo sort of edge but like,, like he’s always chomping at the bit to end a conversation, I guess. Also, he talks a little quickly when he’s not swearing specifically at someone - not so fast that he’s incomprehensible, but more like what he’s saying is obvious and he can’t understand why you don’t see it that way either. It’s not malicious or on purpose, it’s just how he is.

I: On a scale of 1 to 10, how much do they love themselves?

Mmm. As a kid, a solid 9 or 10 - back then he was too young, just a boy with the entire damn world at his fingertips. He never had reason to believe he was anything less than the absolute best, and that’s fine.

At the start of the series I’d say he, to others, looks like he’s always on the high end of the spectrum (7-10 out of 10), and I’d say back then he probably felt it too. Middle schoolers are the absolute worst, I have no trouble believing he has that much confidence in the beginning.

By the boot camp he’s still putting off solid 7-10 vibes (I think there’s never a time he isn’t putting on that air with the world so just assume he is pls) but I think - with all the hits his self-confidence, what with how different UA is to anything else he’s ever known - he’s sitting at closer to 5’s and 6’s. After Kamino? He drops below 5 and for every moment he thinks about it (about the fight, about All Might, about the hero career that almost ended and the one that actually did) it continues to go down. The thing being, of course, that he doesn’t act it, and a part of me imagines he stays in partial denial (“I feel like this but maybe I don’t”) until about the provisional license. (Though, I don’t think he drops lower than 3)

Idk, maybe it’s just been a while and I’m overthinking it but I get the vibes that Bakugo vaguely acknowledging Izuku in that moment in the exam? It was kinda the moment it clicked in his own brain, an understanding of what Izuku has been given based on what he knows, so to speak, and how different it is from him. I think that’s when he stops denying how low he thinks he’s sunk, which leads to him wanting to get answers, which leads to the fight. Which is such a good moment, holy shit.

I think it’s after that that Bakugo starts working towards building himself back up internally. Needing to take that additional thing to get his license was a blow, but he’s nothing if not determined - he’ll make that comeback, just you wait. He’s a solid and even 6-7 by the cultural festival, and holding strong.

(Again: I haven’t caught up with canon for a very long time, so if canon seems to contradict me or if you’re looking for a look at how he is now, sorry)

B: Do they have any allergies?

Nope. Everyone hates him come allergy season because he’s always cool as a cucumber and the same as he always is.

G: How do they flirt?

man, this is so far out of my jurisdiction

here’s some true facts kids: I don’t generally judge ships and if it’s in character i’ll read almost anything

but i’m also not a shipper, at all. Given the option, I’d sooner throw my entire being into the pit that is “platonic shit” than have to deal with an excess of it.

So like, I’m not here for romance, and I tend to rely on tropes when I am, but Bakugo lands in that hotspot of “would not fulfill those romance tropes on his own of his own volition”.

I guess if I had to say, I think he’d probably extend invitations to let the person he’s interacting with learn more about him in general - hobbies n habits n shit like that. That is to say, he’d absolutely invite someone hiking or to spar or whatever in an attempt to both learn abt the person (how do they react) and to let them learn about him. He’s always struck me as being kind of private, so like, such a leap would probably mean a lot.

That’s as much as I’m getting from this one mate

O: What would it take to break them, inside and out?

We’ve already caught a good damn glimpse of this - you know that breakdown he has with Izuku, when he’s blaming himself for being the end of All Might?

Bakugo thrives on hard work and being the best (or at least, striving for it), and that leaves a number of ways for him to break, it’s just that he’s incredibly resilient as a person so it’s hard to tell.

The frustration of trying his best and still ending a situation with the worst case - a la Kamino but worse - would absolutely destroy him. Can you imagine? Working hard and powering through and doing everything in your damn power to do the right thing, to save yourself so you can save others, to be a hero, only for it to be for literally nothing in the end? The specific scenario I’ve got in mind is a little more long-term; I believe that if something big happened like that and he came out thinking it ended well enough, only for a shoe the size of the USA to drop on his head and disrupt everything he’s worked towards? Rendering nearly all their work for nothing? Revealing that he and everyone else played right into the villains’ hands, essentially making this their own faults?

Well, something would break in just any anyone.

(Alternately, a realization that everything you do is meaningless and a constant reinforcement of “you’ll never be who you want to be” would also do a pretty damn good job)

[tsunrugi]

So I have a lot of thoughts about Ares that I haven’t been writing down/sharing on here! I was going to go through point by point with that trailer they did a few months ago, going in to my personal opinions/predictions for each team, situation, and what I think that means for the characters in them… but then I realised I really just want to talk about Teikoku. So i’m gonna. do that.

so aliea is a super influential arc for a lot of characters, and three of those have ended up at teikoku - sakuma, fudou and kazemaru (just mentally add + genda every time i mention sakuma, i love him but unfortunately he doesn’t get built on much after aliea). and actually the minute hino said this was an alternate timeline i was v. concerned in regards to the development for these characters bcs i see them as being v important to them growing up in to strong healthy beautiful adults! very briefly:

- it reaffirms sakuma’s sense of self in a teikoku w/out kidou. it helps him define himself w/out kidou. also like it’s super fucking mature of him to be able to encourage kidou to go to raimon when he knows it’ll hurt him in the process!! props for sakuma, look at all that Character Growth.

- it sets up fudou’s whole deal. on subsequent viewings it actually also sets up his isolation which is super super important for his later development.

- it shifts kazemaru’s perspective, shows us (and him) how destructive it can be to cling to things like being the best, how having high standards for yourself can, when left unchecked, be self destructive. the whole dark emperors thing makes him grow up very fast and kind of refocuses his priorities in sport (and life?).

so in ares, these things haven’t happened. maybe they won’t happen! that concerns me because i love that these things happened because it’s a testament to how well i11 develops its characters subtly and continuously through the series. i want to have faith but lbr, this is going to be one fucking crowded series. here’s maybe my thoughts re: all of these characters being together, on what appears to be the most fucked team in the competition. like, rip teikoku, you’re not getting anywhere and it’s not fair because you’re beautiful and you deserve it.

first up with sakuma. he’ll probably suffer enough being a captain on a team coached by kageyama, but i’m curious to see exactly how. not just because i enjoy suffering, but because kageyama brand suffering is pretty bland at this point, so the real question is - will this suffering bring about as nice character moments as shin teikoku did? shin teikoku was such a good story arc. it had purpose in the overall season as well as for the characters involved! and i’ll say it again, i really love how sakuma Grew because of it. it takes a lot to own up to your own mistakes, let alone as big as the one he made. he wasn’t just trying to absolve kidou of his guilt by telling him he was better at raimon: he was also in a way repenting himself, giving himself a stern talking to, to try and see past his own desires and fears and paranoia and to fight his loneliness with his friend’s happiness. it sounds so petty but this can be hard!! fomo is a Real Thing. and i think this kind of shapes sakuma later, in ffi - he gets setback after setback but he works through it and it’s Brilliant. he works hard to get back in to shape so he can play again. he works even harder to try and be on the representative team, and then gets knocked back. picks himself up and keeps going. puts aside his own beef with kageyama to support kidou. he works on himself constantly, physically and mentally and just As A Person, and it all starts with that guilt from shin teikoku. will ares have these moments for him?

i can see the whole “kidou come back to teikoku :cccccc” thing being solved by a casual conversation. it might even be OFF SCREEN. and that feels super anti-climactic considering the lasting impact of shin teikoku? what i want is for sakuma to lose it again - maybe have his anger at his own inability as captain boil over, have him lash out at kageyama in the Worst Possible Way. he’d have to be isolated. he’d have to ignore support from genda and kazemaru and whatever interaction he has with kidou. but it would be FUN and we also get to have his development and learning growth and i’d be happy*

i want to jump in with kazemaru next. because he’s kind of similar with sakuma in how dark emperors impacted his character, only his attachment was to the idea of winning/being the best rather than a person or idealised team/friendship situation. kazemaru doesn’t look like he’s in a good position in aliea which ngl gives me Life, but the question is - will this lead to his realisation and reconfiguration of his toxic mindset?

there’s nothing wrong with wanting to improve, or with having ambition or goals. but we all know how that ended for kazemaru, because of the way he internalised loss and failure and was eventually tempted by pure power. he’s very de-powered in ares. he has to play second fiddle to KAGEYAMA, of all fucking people, and idk i got the vibe from the trailer that he’s trying to start a coup with sakuma at least to usurp it all. but… is this consistent with s1 kazemaru, or even early aliea kazemaru? he feels very ffi kazemaru already. again, no doubt he’ll Suffer, but there was something to dark emperors that was so shocking, so impactful, that you can’t help but want something just as big? i don’t think there’s space for it in the ares story. and like sakuma, i don’t think he’s isolated to the point he was in aliea for it to happen all that naturally. so the question is - will his toxic mindset get addressed? will the dark parts of his ambition be dealt with, or will they still be there ready to explode?

i think that’s my major concern. aliea built kazemaru’s dark emperor turn so well. i don’t want that aspect of his character to just be ignored like it was never a thing, because imo it’d make the whole thing feel less like natural, human development and more like contrived plot device. and yeah, i know this is fiction, i know things have to happen for the plot, but i like i11 because it does treat character seriously, and does have the plot evolve along character lines. even in s1 kazemaru talks about how he wants to fight on the world stage. his break in s2 is believable. his stress, his fear, his anxiety, his despair, it’s all believable! please let elements of that stay in whatever he has to go through in ares.

and now for fudou! i love fudou. i was v. concerned when he turned up in the outer code and seemed Actually Stable. see, the thing with these three in aliea is that they were all isolated (sakuma you could argue had mentally separated his own suffering from genda’s, when you consider the extend he went to in shin teikoku in comparison). and they all dealt with that isolation by taking the power of the aliea meteorite. sakuma and kazemaru did that with a whole lot of passion. they let it consume them. fudou… didn’t. fudou was in control. and he seems to discard it without having to break like the other two did.

fudou is so interesting, i’d recommend an aliea rewatch just focusing on him. he’s all about the calculated revenge agains the world. he wants chaos, but he himself is not chaotic. he wants it to come apart around him, but to stay above it all. that’s why the only real moment of shock for him comes when kageyama rubs it in his face that he’s just as much of a pawn as the rest of them. this is a Deep Cut for him. this is Huge. and it’s huge because, as much as he wants to stay separate, he is still insanely affected by his family situation. it follows him in to ffi in that he can’t open up or trust any of his teammates, and how he deliberately antagonises them to keep them away. he doesn’t want, closeness. he doesn’t think he needs it, even though in many ways he craves it (snarky comments to himself that just serve to show how lonely he is, the fact that 90% of his hissatsu are combo moves, etc).

ANYWAY. why does this matter? well, in what we’ve seen of him in ares he’s…. playing nice? he’s sitting quietly and listening? he’s involved in team play? HE’S WEARING THE NO. 10 JERSEY JFC. this fudou already feels post-ffi. i can give them the benefit of the doubt - he doesn’t know why he’s at the teikoku meeting, and he doesn’t seem to have an established relationship with kageyama. maybe he’s just playing it save, sussing things out. but i hope there is some chaos. i hope he doesn’t play nice from the get-go. ffi was really fun in deconstructing his actions vs. everyone else’s intense dislike of him. it’s a really subtle unravelling of a villain, one that i missed on first watch because i was too god damn mad at him. but!! it’s so good. it’s so well done. and there are so many layers: we see fudou as we know him, just that Shithead who caused shin teikoku. we see fudou from the POV of kidou and sakuma, as someone who can’t be trusted, as someone who might still be working with kageyama. and then we see him through his own actions: he was fucked over too, and he wants to get back at kageyama just the same as everyone else. he’s insanely attentive to his teammates, even in the early stages of the season. he’s alone. and he grows. i love adult fudou because it’s such a lovely transformation from this isolated kid who dealt with his pain by causing chaos, to an actual well adjusted human being who has Friends and who Coaches and Helps people and Supports them while still retaining his own sense of self. IT’S REALLY NICE. BUT WE CAN’T HAVE THAT ARC IF HE’S ALREADY THERE.

so hino, please, make fudou a shit. make him the biggest shit. make him ambiguous and unpredictable and look I know there’s not that much time to deal with this but make him chaotic, just for a little bit. he is the joker - let him act like it before he joins up all buddy with sakuma and kazemaru, as per the implications of the trailer. you can do it, i have faith in you.

*i will most likely be happy with anything they do anyway this is all moot