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maybankiara · 3 years ago

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TELL ME, IS IT WORTH IT?

pairing: JJ Maybank x Pope Heyward

summary: Pope proposes, JJ panics, and now he’s trying to explain why he said no (and why he shouldn’t have done it.)

w/c: 3.7k

a/n: angst with a happy ending, ignore all the typos bc this is entirely unedited (i might edit in the future)

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It’s really unfair that when someone’s life falls apart, the world itself doesn’t. JJ thinks it should. It should be raining knives, hailing bullets, volcanoes should be exploding and the ground shaking shouldn’t be just his personal experience of reality.

But it’s not even a moderately hot day. It’s breezy, it’s perfect, and it’s one of the nicest days of the fucking whole year.

JJ hates it.

The Chateau has only got John B and Kiara under its roof when he barges in, teeth gripping on the cap of a beer bottle. ‘Don’t ask,’ he states, then drops in the empty space between the two on the couch. His legs find their home on the coffee table and he nearly downs the bottle. Burps. Sighs, dramatically.

He knows they’re exchanging glances, but he chooses to ignore it.

Kie’s consoling hand lands on his shoulder. ‘What ha—’

‘Pope asked me to marry him,’ he says, ‘and I said no. And I also said I think it’s never going to happen.’

John B should’ve made a dumb comment. Kie should’ve made a sarcastic remark. But they didn’t, and they won’t, because JJ feels the gravity of the situation weighting down his lungs. (It feels like being torn up inside out, like his heart is chewing on itself out of anger, or sadness, or betrayal. It feels like the moment when your heart skips a beat and you think this is it, this is how I die, except you don’t; except you’re stuck in that moment forever.)

JJ burps. It chips at the silence, but it doesn’t break it. Kie’s hand on his shoulder is frozen and the distance between him and John B seems like an ocean.

‘Yeah,’ says JJ. ‘I don’t think that was what he expected.’

A sigh comes from Kie, but he doesn’t look. ‘When was this?’

‘About twenty minutes ago. I drove straight here.’

‘Drunk?’ asks John B.

‘Does it matter? I’m here now. Safe and sound.’ He lets out a dry chuckle before he can stop himself, and shakes his head. ‘Physically, anyway.’

‘You’re not drunk,’ says Kie. It sounds a little like a scoff, so JJ looks at her, but he can’t figure out what her face is saying. Tight lips scream anger, but her eyes are soft as ever, maybe a little concerned. She glances between him and John B with one of her eyebrows slightly raised. ‘He’s a heartbroken idiot, but not drunk.’

‘Ah. Understandable. Should I—’

‘You know what being a heartbroken idiot means.’ Kie pushes herself off the couch and when JJ glances at his other friend, John B’s just as confused as he is. ‘I know a thing or two about getting your heart broken for a dumb reason. You two sort that out, and I’ll make sure Pope’s okay. Let me know when you’ve knocked some sense into him.’

Before either of the boys manage to comprehend her words, she’s out the door. The Kie-shaped void on JJ’s left side feels a little odd, so he pushes himself into that side of the couch. The beer is bitter at the back of his throat; he wishes some music would be playing.

John B calls his name, so JJ looks at him. He’s giving him the puppy eyes, trying to get him to talk, and it’s because neither of them really know how to start. (Their affection is physical, not verbal. Kie’s the one who’s good at that. Pope is—)

‘Did you panic?’ asks John B.

JJ shakes his head. ‘Don’t think so. Not until after I’ve said it, anyway.’

‘So what happened?’

There’s a pause, JJ feels his brow furrow, and then: ‘I don’t know.’

‘…you don’t know?’

‘No.’

‘So you panicked.’

‘No, I didn’t, it’s—’ With a sigh, JJ accepts the momentary defeat. He glances over and sees John B’s signature stare full of indecipherable intent, but nothing less than pure kindness. They’ve had their bumps, but they always came out on top. It’s the pogue way. Even if John B wears that stupid bandanna around his neck well into his married life of his late twenties. ‘I knew the answer was no.’

It’s John B’s turn to frown. ‘You’ve thought about it?’

‘No, I just knew. Like you know the ocean is salty.’

‘You know that because you’ve tasted it before,’ counters John B. ‘I doubt you’ve been proposed to before.’

‘I could’ve been!’

All John B offers is a long stare yet that is enough. He’s older by only a few months, but he’s also married and didn’t say no to the proposal (granted, it was him proposing to Sarah, but still) and kind of has got his life together. He’s still JJ’s dumb older brother, but he knows something JJ doesn’t.

‘How did you know you wanted to marry Sarah?’

‘Are you reconsidering your answer?’

‘No, I just—’ JJ sighs again and tries to wish another bottle into appearing in his hand. Doesn’t work. Probably for the better. He just leans his head back on the couch and stares at the ceiling, connecting the dots in his mind. ‘I don’t know what I’m doing. I just want you to tell me how you knew.’

He hears shuffling, and then feels John B’s feet in his lap. (He’s not going to comment on the boat shoes. There’s been enough deflecting. He’s got to listen, because Pope is threatening to burst into the forefront of his mind any second now.)

John B gives out the deep, heavy sigh that only comes with a slight aah whenever he’s about to tell a story. ‘When we were young, she made everything come alive. Everything looked brighter and clearer, and it was like I could finally breathe with the entirety of my lungs.’

JJ closes his eyes, trying not to gag. ‘Bro. I’m not listening to that.’

‘But that’s how I knew!’ He could just hear the grouch in his friend’s voice and now he’s threading the fine line between laughing and gagging. ‘Seriously, JJ, you asked. I don’t— I don’t know what to say. I don’t think you’re taking this seriously enough.’

‘I am.’

‘No, you’re not. You’re deflecting.’

‘Big word.’

‘See?’ John B scrunches his nose, shaking his head. His thumb and index finger grip the bridge of his nose. ‘I know you’re confused. And scared. I know you panicked when Pope asked, but I don’t think you understand how horrible is the thing you’ve done.’

‘It’s not like I broke his heart,’ scoffs JJ, but the words are flat and his heart skips another beat. He doesn’t need to look at John B to knows he’s got his head in his hands. ‘C’mon, it’s Pope. He’s tougher than he looks.’

‘Yes, but he proposed, JJ. He asked to spend the rest of his life with you and you said no!’

‘I didn’t say no to that!’ JJ flings himself off the couch and now he’s pacing around the living room of the Chateau, marching circles around the coffee table. His forehead is pulsating; he’s probably having a heart attack. That’d explain a lot. ‘I said no to getting married.’

‘That’s the same thing.’

‘It isn’t.’

‘It is.’

‘It really isn’t, John B,’ he spits out. Christ, he’s getting hot. Is that his blood boiling? ‘Marriage is… It’s taxes. It’s prenups. It’s joint bank accounts, it’s added tension, it’s fucked up. Half of the marriages don’t even last.’

(Pope’s always talked about getting married. When gay marriage was legalised, before they were together, before they were out of the closet, even then he was openly delighted about it. He’s been talking about the two of them getting married for a while now, or at least hinting at it.

He should’ve expected it. It didn’t come out of the blue. He saw the signs, just ignored them, because… because…)

‘If you’re scared marriage is going to ruin your relationship, JJ, I’ll have you know you’ve already done that yourself.’

This is about the point where everything just… It comes crashing down. The world does end the way JJ wanted it to.

He feels himself growing very, very still, like when he was younger and his father raised a hand. He feels his breath halting in his throat and ears tuning out all sound, repeating John B’s words over and over until the echo became the echo of itself. He could feel the ground opening beneath him despite not moving an inch.

When gravity drags you down to earth, your rose-tinted glasses shatter like porcelain.

He sees Pope’s face of shock, then laughter, then embarrassment and betrayal at once, once he’s realised JJ isn’t joking. He sees him get up from his knees, hands shaking as JJ fumbles over his words, unable to find an explanation or an excuse. He feels cold sweat breaking out on his forehead, blood turning to ice in his hands. He sees his mum leaving, his dad’s hand raised; he sees people arguing and JJ wants to cover his ears. He sees himself, alone, alone, alone.

And he sees Pope turning his back to him. Quietly. He doesn’t even argue back. Just takes the no and i’m sorry, i can’t do this, it’s never going to happen, not like this and doesn’t say a word. Just walks away.

It’d be easier if he screamed at JJ. At least he’d know how to deal with that.

Pope’s heartbreak is the quiet kind, the one that doesn’t ask for attention, just the opposite. Usually JJ’s there to hold his hand, to sit by his side until Pope’s ready to talk about it, or be somewhere around, far enough so that Pope deals with things himself, but close enough so that he’s there if he’s needed. He’s never been the reason for the quiet.

Fire replaces the ice. JJ feels like the sun itself is tearing him open.

‘Shit,’ he says. ‘Fuck.’ Then raises his eyes until he meets John B’s, blurry and barely visible. ‘I fucked up.’

He doesn’t realise he’s shaking until his knees buckle under his weight and he stumbles to find his footing. John B shoots from the couch and pulls him into a hug, wrapping his arms around him so tight JJ couldn’t have escaped if he wanted to. He didn’t. He wanted to be held, even if by a friend.

He doesn’t sob because the sob gets caught in his throat, too, but he lets out a cough that says all the same. ‘It would’ve been easier if you yelled at me.’

‘I know.’ John B pats his back, letting JJ rest his weight unto him. ‘Pope will understand. That’s why Kie went to talk to him. As long as you realise you’re hurting everyone by being an idiot, you can make it better.’

‘I thought—’ He stops, because his words get fumbled again, and now he’s pressing his eyes into his friend’s shoulder like he’s all he’s got. ‘I don’t want to hurt anyone again.’

‘You’re not going to, okay? Just… Marriage is not all taxes, and you gotta understand that. It’s about knowing that if they get hurt, you’ll be allowed to see them. That you can get a house together, that you can look after each other if something goes wrong. That what you have is there to stay. Think of it as a promise.’

JJ snorts, but he doesn’t let go. ‘I don’t do well with people promising things to me.’

‘Then promise it to yourself,’ counters John B. The way he puts it makes it sound it’s as easy as breathing – JJ wishes he could feel the same. ‘Promise to stay with him. Promise to be around if something bad happens, but if something good happens, too. That’s what marriage is.’

‘I already promised that,’ he says. ‘His future and mine are the same.’

‘Then what’s the problem? Marriage is just making it legal. Making it formal. When what you have is honest and true, it doesn’t change anything. It just makes things better.’

JJ pulls out, feeling confident he can stand on his own two feet. He still feels a little lightheaded, but the thought of Pope possibly thinking that spending the rest of their lives together is the last thing JJ would want… That is the last thing JJ would want. Pope hurting because of him.

JJ can’t afford to be scared anymore; living a life half-way ready to run is not living.

He checks his phone; it must’ve chimed at some point because there’s texts from Kie, telling him where she is with Pope. His heart skips another beat, and at this point he thinks he could have enough heartbeats for a whole new person just from the ones he missed.

He’s not dying today. He’s not dying before he gets to live the future he’s almost ripped out of his own hands.

When he looks up at John B, he feels the hint of a weary smile on his lips. ‘I think I’ve got a promise to make.’

—

It shouldn’t be a surprise JJ finds them at the Boneyard, yet it’s still quite odd to see the scenario he’s seen a million times – Kie sitting next to the sea with her feet dipped into water as her fingers splash at the waves just about reaching her, and Pope… Pope sitting on the half-dunked log that’s been here forever, with his feet bare but not quite touching the water. His head is hung low and JJ can see the strain in his shoulders even from halfway across the beach; the cap is sitting on his lap, unused, despite the sun high above their heads.

The sight tugs at his heart and he falters in his step, but John B’s firm hand on his back encourages him forward. JJ gives a slight nod; he’s not giving up on the courage.

It’s Pope who notices them first and he stiffens even more; JJ sees Kie pat his knee before turning around and waving at them, then saying something to Pope. JJ wishes the wind would carry her words to him – is it encouragement or telling Pope he’s better off without someone who panics and refuses the one thing they’ve always longed for?

‘Don’t.’ John B pats him on the back. ‘I see you doing your dumb thought thing.’

JJ opens his mouth to say something, but whatever it was that he meant to say, it’s gone forever. All he can do is try and keep his shoulders from slumping and hands from forming fists; he can’t allow himself to be angry at the world, or himself.

The sand creaks underneath his feet. He hates it in this moment, because it makes him aware of every step he’s got to take to get to Pope, and the steps drag into eternity.

Pope locks their eyes. JJ tries figuring him out, but he’s too far, and Pope’s too guarded.

(Not against me, Pope. Please. Not against me.)

When they get there, JJ feels like fainting, but he sets his foot firmly on the ground. He’s not escaping.

‘Hey,’ greets Kie, and John B returns the greeting. The feuded lovers stay silent, just taking each other in.

(JJ always wished he could paint. The lines of Pope’s face are shaped as if they were meant to withstand centuries instead of being washed away with age. He wishes he could offer to Pope more than just… himself.

He’s talked about this with Pope before, though. Feeling inferior to his boyfriend was always going to be JJ’s Achilles’ heel, yet he didn’t think it would come to this. He made another promise, ages ago – to try to see himself the way Pope sees him. The way other people see him.

To believe in himself the way he believes in other people, for once.)

The silence is heavy, but JJ forces himself to not see it that way. Instead, he looks over to Kie, to John B, and says: ‘Can you guys give us a second?’

There’s nods and then they’re off, with nothing between the couple aside from waves crashing into the shore. Pope’s head is hung and shoulders slumped, and he’s sitting on this log with one foot pulled up and resting on it, the other hanging in the water now. JJ’s fingers ache to reach across for his, but he tells himself it’s not the time.

‘I’m sorry,’ he says. ‘Marriage scares me. I don’t know one that worked out, aside from John B and Sarah. I was raised to be on my own. Marriage means not being alone and that scared me, until I realised that… I haven’t been alone for a while now. The pogues, you… Nobody’s going anywhere. And if marriage is just a way to promise to you that I’m not going anywhere, either, and if it means so much to you, then I say let’s do it. I got scared, but never for a second did a life without you cross my mind. It’s — That’s my nightmare, Pope. Your future and mine are the same. Where you go, I follow. That’s the way things are.’

For a long time, it was JJ trying to come to terms with loving Pope – then it was Pope coming to terms with loving JJ. They’ve always loved each other, in a way, without quite saying it. It has never been the kind of love that is shouted from the rooftops – it’s the helping hand, the whispers of i got this, or you’re not alone in this, or i wish you could see yourself the way i see you. It’s the kind of love that’s etched into the air around them, existing as a part of themselves rather than something external. They’ve grown into it, shaped their lives around it.

It’s always been the beach for them. Their first kiss when they were seventeen, their first fight, their first promise to stick together through thick and thin. Every time something happened, something that mattered, etched itself into the back of JJ’s mind like the sound of his mother’s voice, it was always accompanied by the sound of waves on the shore; by the wind howling over the bay. It was always people chatting in the distance, or some music playing from a half-working speaker. It was always them, in the midst of other people’s lives.

Pope proposed in their flat.

When JJ drops to his knees, he doesn’t do his dumb thought thing. He doesn’t even think about it – for once, his gut isn’t telling him to run, but stay. ‘Pope Heyward.’

‘JJ—’

‘Can you let me do this?’ asks JJ. He laughs a little, shakes his head, and tries not to think about how ridiculous this looks. ‘I know I already had a monologue, but I don’t think I got my point across.’

Pope shakes his head, too; he isn’t smiling, but his eyes aren’t as strained anymore. ‘It’s okay, you don’t have to—’

‘I want to. I want this, okay? I want you to hear it.’

He can see Pope’s Adam’s apple bob, and he can see his shoulders slump in a relaxed way. The lines around his eyes soften and his lips nearly turn upwards, just a little bit. A little twitch is enough to shoot electricity to JJ’s heart.

‘Pope, I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life saying it to you. You’re my best friend, my boyfriend, and my fiancee, if you’ll have me after the shit I pulled today. Husband, then. Father of your children, because I know it’s what you’ve always wanted, and I want it, too. Whatever you’ll be, I’ll be by your side. It’s all I want. No matter what our status is, we’re always Pope and JJ. We’re always just us. And I really haven’t thought out what I’d say next because—’

Pope’s lips crash into JJ’s, his hands grasping at JJ’s face, and world pulls itself together again. When they part their foreheads lean against one another, and he can feel Pope’s breath on his lips, and he feels his hands burning on the small of Pope’s back, and he can breathe and breathe and breathe like his lungs have never worked properly before.

(He understands John B now. Not like he’d ever admit it to him.)

He lets out a chuckle, and then he’s kissing Pope again – a small, chaste kiss, just to feel the softness of the touch. His fingers grip the back of Pope’s flannel and he’s laughing into the kiss.

‘You’re an idiot,’ says Pope. ‘I should break up with you.’

‘Can’t. I’m too irresistible.’

‘Shut up. You’re cheesy. That entire speech would put John B to shame.’

JJ shakes his head again and then his thumb is tracing the line of Pope’s jaw, eyes transfixed by his lips. He almost lost this. He almost gave up everything out of fear after promising to never doing it again. (He’s making a vow, this time. It holds more weight.) ‘You loved that speech.’

Pope rolls his eyes, in the way that tells JJ he’s right. ‘Kie told me you were freaking out at the Chateau.’

‘I was,’ admits JJ. What’s the point of holding back the truth? ‘I was freaked out of my mind. I thought I’d ruined everything.’

‘You forget how well I know you, JJ. I was hurt, but I knew you would come back. Old you would run, but Kie came and said you’re at the Chateau, and you wouldn’t have gone there if you meant to run.’

‘I couldn’t ever run from you.’

‘You better.’

JJ rolls his eyes at the teasing tone in Pope’s voice, then pulls him in for a hug. It’s not long until Pope buries his face in JJ’s shoulder, and JJ kisses the side of his head. ‘I do want to marry you, if you’ll have me.’

There’s a pause and JJ feels Pope chuckle against his neck, shivering a little. ‘What is it that you said? My future and yours are the same? That better be in your vows, John B.’

‘Shut up.’ JJ feels himself burning, neck up this time, and tries to laugh it off. ‘I get to be cheesy once.’

‘Just save it for the wedding. I’d like to hear it again.’

JJ angles his body so there’s some space between them; he doesn’t hesitate before planting another kiss on Pope’s lips, reveling in the ease of movement. This is what coming home feels like, and if this is what future has in store for him, who is he to complain?

#outer banks #obx #mayward #jjpope #mayward fic #jjpope fic #jj maybank #pope heyward #my fic #god a part of me adores this and another part hates it #if i don't post it in the first draft version i'll never post it #obx fic

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heyitsyn · 4 years ago

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White Carnation

Ex!Iwaizumi Hajime x Reader

a/n: iwa-chan being your ex is so painful and numbing

huhuhu angst isnt my forte but this is an exception bc chi is my sista

anon request: ex-boyfriend/childhood friend iwaizumi would be super angsty but i have no idea what they’d fight about ,, now imagine if after being kitaichi’s manager/medic, reader becomes karasuno’s medic/temporary manager (until kiyoko got recruited),, then she couldn’t come to the seijoh practice match so she has no idea her team fought her ex,,, only to find out during inter-high and everyone’s like wtf??? that spiky haired ace is your ex?? meanwhile kageyama’s like “yall didn’t know?” — chi

ong this finna be painful

its always been the three of you

with living across the oikawas came great perks

even way before you could remember, you were always with the 2 other boys: your neighbor across your house, tooru, and his best friend who practically lived there, hajime

hajime first saw you when you were covered in dirt after you were trying to catch a butterfly for tooru at the back and oikawa pushed you out of the way into a puddle of mud when he saw a bug

iwa stared at you then immediately said ‘my name is iwaijumi hajime. i think youre really pretty’

yep thats really how it went

and poor babie didnt know how to pronounce his ‘z’s yet so it sounds like ‘j’s :(

while tooru liked you because you werent like other girls who stayed inside and played dolls instead playing outside

you played with him at his back yard with the volleyball he owned and always made him laugh and have fun

iwa liked you because you didnt shy away from bugs, instead you were braver than tooru and even helped iwa look for any beetles and caught them for him to keep as pets

they liked you because you were like them

you were like one of the bois

but that kinda hurt you in the future

as you all grew up, you started going through yanno teenager things

like you started to have crushes

specifically on your best friend, iwaizumi hajime

thankfully tooru didnt see you like that and still saw you as one of the bois and saw you as that annoying twin sister

but unfortunately, iwa did too

every time you made an effort to do something to emphasize that you were, hello, a girl, he would laugh and tease you

‘hehe i didnt think you even knew what a dress was!’

was his comment when you came over wearing a yellow sundress with flats

tooru, who you shared these secrets with, gave you a worried glance but you smiled, covering up the hurt

‘meh. my mom forgot to dry my clothes so i had to wear these old clothes’

no, they werent old

they were just bought yesterday with the intention of finally being recognized as girl and complimented

but the person it was for, couldnt even be bothered to remember that you werent just one of the boys and that you possibly wanted to be told that you were pretty or cute

your other best friend noticed your quietness and he stood up from his crouching position and placed a hand on your shoulder, making you look at him

your teary eyes made him sigh but he grinned at you

‘its really pretty, y/n-chan! you should wear it more often! pretty things deserve to be seen and complimented’

god why couldnt you have a crush on oikawa tooru instead

why did it have to be towards the boy who was too caught up with catching bugs and playing ball to ever see you differently and has never said a single praise towards you?

‘what do you think, iwa-chan? isnt she pretty?’

oikawa hinted but hajime remained his eyes on the tv as the players hit the ball, too distracted to even be bothered to look at you

‘she looks the same’

he mumbled and your nose stung and eyes watered, looking down to hide the wobbling of your lips

‘its okay, kawa-chan. can i wear your clothes for now? i dont like this dress thats why i never wore it’

oikawa tried to stop you but you were already straight up the stairs and towards his room

he angrily stomped over to iwa and slapped his arm, startling the other boy and him snarling in pain

‘what the-’

‘youre so dumb. youre so mean. i wonder where she went wrong and what she saw. seriously’

he ranted and moved to sit back on the floor but not before kicking iwaizumi, making him fall on his side

‘OI KUSOKA-’

‘so whos winning?’

your voice interrupted iwa’s mid-scream and he looked up from the floor to see you wearing an alien hoodie and a pair of basketball shorts that were a little too loose so they drooped by your knees

your originally curled and elegantly braided hair was now pulled up into a bun by a scrunchie that you left around the house from years ago

there was a bit of redness around your eyes and iwa scrambled up to check if you were okay since your face looked swollen

‘oi, did you eat something weird? your face is all red so youre probably having a reaction’

he fretted and you watched as his hands glided across your face and held you by the shoulders to take a closer look

‘yea, a reaction from a bad reaction’

thankfully iwa was too busy checking to hear oikawa snarkily whisper and you sent him a glare that made him quiet down

‘haji-kun, im fine’

you dismissed and side stepped to go sit next to oikawa, completely brushing him off

now iwa was confused

you would usually smile up at him, say ‘aw~ are you worried about me, haji-kun?’ then skip over

not frown and act so coldly

‘oi, y/n, what-’

‘lets go to the bakery! theres a sale going on there!’

oikawa shouted which made you jolt in surprise

he knew of his best friend’s beginning interrogation but he knew you were too upset to be bothered by hajime’s questions

‘they have a buy one get one sale on milk bread! and those-those treats you like! theyre on sale too!’

omg oikawa is a real one 🥺

oikawa blinked harshly at you to go along with the act and you stuttered and nodded

‘uh-eung! yea!’

that was probably the moment that iwaizumi started noticing

except he thought it was a pining between his best friends rather than you towards him

ofc iwa was a loyal friend

he thought that you and oikawa were two people who were crushing on each other yet too afraid to say anything

tbh he shouldve seen this coming because duh you were an incredibly pretty girl and oikawa was the handsomest guy in the whole area!

it was almost,,, natural for you both to gravitate towards each other

maybe thats why,,,

he started to distance himself to give you both the space and want without him in between

maybe thats why,,,

he started to feel these feelings of,, jealousy?? like he started to feel a little scared and honestly he wasnt sure who to be jealous of bc he knew once you started dating, you’d both be too busy to hang out with him

maybe thats why,,,

he was no longer your friend

iwaizumi hajime became a simple stranger you would just pass by in the hall

it happened around the 2nd year of middle school

you and oikawa were still close friends but you have drifted away into not being as close while you and iwaizumi became,,,, distant

basically strangers

the boy you used to dream about when you were 8 and dreamt of marrying once you were old enough

he was no longer him

before, you and iwa were actually really close without oikawa

like you would hang out when oikawa was too busy with takeru

you both would go to the arcade and play games with no fear of oikawa whining and complaining to take turns

you had a lot of fun together and yet, all of a sudden, everything stopped

because iwa knew how,,, possessive oikawa was

he thought that if he were to continue being friends with you, he would risk losing his best friend out of jealousy or misunderstandings and he didnt want that precious bond to be ruined by a girl

even if that girl,,,

was you

thats why it was so awkward when you came over to oikawa’s house after so long and seeing him there, eating breakfast in the kitchen

your best friend didnt want to tell you that iwa spent the night bc quite frankly, oikawa was already fed up with this

you think he didnt know?

you think he didnt know that iwa distanced himself due to an unknown misunderstanding?

you think he didnt know that you also distanced yourself due to being hurt as he casted you aside?

and oikawa was also worried

he didnt want to ever bring up your name with iwa bc to be honest, he didnt think iwa even liked you all that much

he thought that iwa only tolerated you for so long bc you were the only girl who wasnt in love with oikawa and knew you long enough to be comfortable w you

but babie oiks is misunderstood that :(

he didnt want to ever bring up his name with you bc he knew how sensitive it was for you and how sad and pained you were when he suddenly stopped even replying to your texts

one time when you cornered him, he looked angry and gently pushed you back and quickly walked away

no he was scared that oikawa could see you both and misunderstand

‘just,,, stay away from me, okay? its better this way’

god you wanted to scream at him and shout at him and punch him but he kept silent and refused to answer your questions and refused to acknowledge your existence

you were so confused and you were just so hurt and eventually, you became indifferent to him and treated him the same way

anyways

you stepped into the house, not even bothering to shout your arrival and quickly wandered through the hallway before turning the corner to go to the kitchen

but you stopped, seeing the familiar hair with olive eyes eating breakfast on the kitchen island, also stopping with his chopsticks halfway to his mouth at the sight of you

your gazes clashed and you blinked before your lips formed into a thin line, turning and going to the fridge and look for food

iwa wasnt surprised

he figured you were both getting closer to dating and you were already basically living in his house

it all makes sense

BRUH THEYVE BEEN FRIENDS SINCE THEY WERE LTR BORN LIKE BLS THEYRE JUST SIBLINGS

MAKE IT MAKE SENSE

‘h-how are you’

he mumbled, trying to fix the awkward silence while cursing inside of how long oikawa was taking to shit

you hummed, taking a water bottle and slamming the fridge door shut, harder than necessary

‘oh, now you see me?’

you really didnt mean for it to be a snarky comment but it came out before you even realized what you said

he winced

‘listen, im-’

‘oh? youre here, y/n-chan!’

oikawa’s voice cut him off and he returned back to his bowl of rice, leaving you standing there furrowing your brows

you shrugged, already knowing that hajime was like this, so you turned to look at oikawa with a wrinkled nose at the sound of the toilet flushing

‘tooru, did you drink straight milk again? you know how it makes your stomach upset’

you chided and tooru turned red at the implication of his dookie

‘o-oi! y/n-chan! of course id know if i was lactose intolerant!’

i just think how funny it would be like the irony of his love for milk bread yet being lactose intolerant at the same time

he huffed and you nodded but not exactly believing him

‘kay kay’

you teased and walked to the living room but oikawa caught you in a headlock and he ruffled your hair while you complained and whined to let you go

you were giggling as tooru was giving you noogies, feeling the tension leave your body

all while iwa was watching

maybe it was because he stopped hanging out with you and havent seen you like this for almost a year

so carefree and so happy as you scored higher than him at the hoop game and he would begrudgingly let you hug him when he managed to win you a doll from the claw machine

but yea he definitely forgot your smile

he forgot how it looked like bc the last time you met gazes, you sent him a hurt glance and looked away and he knew he deserved that

god he hated it

but no, he was doing this for tooru

he was doing this because his best friend liked someone who actually deserved him

but dear god why did it hurt

iwa was starting to wonder if he made the right choice

he could easily handle you two dating

right?

maybe that was when iwa started to realize,,, he was starting to feel different towards you

the time apart definitely made him remember why he was friends with you

you weren’t like those girls he saw in tv or outside with the frilly clothes and the makeup and the fancy hair

no that wasnt you

you were different

you were too lazy to even pick out a cute outfit, opting for comfort with one of their sweatshirts and sweatpants

you preferred to chase after butterflies rather than sitting inside bc hajime’s adventurous spirit latched itself on to you too

you would usually climb the tree to get the volleyball that got stuck up in the branches bc tooru was too scared of heights and you wanted to prove your strength and capability

god you were so different

what if you liked him instead?

iwa startled himself with that thought in the middle of eating and caused him to choke on his rice

tooru noticed him coughing violently so he grabbed the water bottle from your hand and threw it straight towards the boy

iwa snapped the cap open,not caring where that water came from, and chugged it down before sighing in relief after the quite scary situation

you then realized what happened and you turned red, speedwalking into the living room

oiks totally didnt do that on purpose and he was doing the lenny face at you before switching masks and wearing a worried one for iwa

‘iwa-chan! you need to slow down!’

he chided and iwaizumi yelled at him to be quiet, completely clueless to the fact that he just shared an indirect kiss with you

but you did and lordie did you hate it

from then on,,,

iwa was just seeing you everywhere

iwa saw you from his classroom when you would go hang out with your new friends outside

he noticed you not even being too loud, only speaking up when asked while the others opted to continue talking about nonsense you probably gave no care about with how you secretly rolled your eyes

those moments made him laugh

the next time you both ran into each other was during his morning practice

oikawa phoned you in the morning while you were getting ready, saying he accidentally left his knee pads at home and he was already at school but you werent so he wanted you to bring them to him

you knew damn well that iwaizumi hajime would be there but you didnt care because youre not even friends anymore after he just dropped you like that

YES SISTER WE DESERVE BETTER

so thats why you found yourself pushing the metal gym door open at 6 in the morning and shouting oikawa’s name

his eyes brightened at your voice and he dropped the ball to run towards you by the door

‘oh my god thank you so much, y/n-chan!’

he shouted and hugged you out of excitement while you cringed and hit him to get off of you

‘ew dont touch me trashykawa’

you mumbled and he whined, finally stepping away with a pout

iwa was watching you both from the side and he blinked, wondering if you were trying a new hairstyle

if not, then you changed something bc currently, you practically glowing to him

he watched you scold oikawa for being forgetful and him begging for forgiveness but also thanking you before he was scoldede again by the coach

but the coach was relieved that he could finally play with the proper equipment and not risk anymore injuries

oikawa was already bidding you good bye and you were about to turn to leave when you finally met the many gazes of iwaizumi hajime

your eyebrows unconsciously furrowed together and your lips turned to a frown then you sharply turned and walked through the doors

unbeknownst to him, oikawa watched as his best friend’s face turned hurt at your expression and remained staring at the door you just went out of even when you were already gone

‘iwa-chan, lets get to practice’

after that

iwa has concluded god has decided to be mean to him

bc who was giving him these weird heart attacks and tummy aches at the simple sight of you?

literally he ignored you for a good time yet now hes noticing you again?

what kinda unfairness-

but you proved to accept his previous behavior by not even giving him a single glance anymore

that made him sad so iwa would sometimes stop doing what hes doing so he could freely stare at you laugh at something a classmate said during class

thats totally not creepy iwa lol

he doesnt even know hes doing it sometimes bc hes so absorbed on trying to figure out the answers of his questions

but the worst was when he got caught

you sat at the very front and oikawa and iwa sat at the back

it was lunchtime and you were eating with a few girls and a guy from another class and yall were laughing and talking together

iwa had oikawa and these other guys makki and matsukawa from the class next door to eat lunch with

can i please just dream that our third year seijoh boys were actually friends since the very beginning like pls and thanks

oikawa was rambling about how some girl giving him cookies the other day when he noticed iwa not listening but staring at you while moving his chopsticks around

poor iwa-chan was confused as to how even with messy hair, you still looked beautiful?

like no matter what angle or how you turned, the light always seemed to hit you perfectly to accent out your features

how was that possible?

‘-and she just-iwa-chan? iwaizumi?’

he called out and said boy jolted, eyes widening at the confused, bored, and knowing eyes

‘hm?’

‘oh? were you looking at y/n-chan?’

oikawa teased and the gojira fanboy waved his hands around to deny that statement

but makki chuckled and leaned in

‘hm, wouldnt blame ya. shes really pretty you know? some guy in our class saw the girls ranking and shes in the top 5′

okay iwa was angry

was it because everyone else noticed how pretty you are?

was it because you were part of this list?

was it because his own friend said you were pretty?

why did he even care anyways?!

oikawa smirked at the clenched fist under the table and decided to poke fun even more

‘oh really? well, it doesnt really matter because its always the girl’s decision right? but most of the time, their choice is utter trash’

the meme duo shared a confused look

‘hah? what are you going on about, oikawa’

oikawa internally apologized to you after what hes about to do because hes so tired and exhausted of having to be so careful and walking on eggshells between you two

so he did an oikawa move

‘yanno how y/n-chan and i have been friends since we were little ducklings right? so ages ago, like ages ago, little y/n-chan had a crush on this brute bc for some reason she thought he was brave or something and apparently thats appealing to girls rather than the nice and gentlemanly type. but of course, yanno how this goes, he pooped up and now hes stuck on doing this weird stalking staring thing. right, iwa-chan~?’

okay im sorry i take it back oikawa is a bitch

iwa shook

you,,, had a what on who?!

a crush on him?!

is he the brute?!

so it wasnt oikawa?

it was to him?

then why did you act like that?

why did you both act like that?

‘what’

iwaizumi mumbled and he met oikawa’s pointed gaze

‘hmm,,,, you dont have to worry about it anymore though since theyre not even friends anymore. but listen to me and listen well, makki, mattsun, if you hurt a girl even once, theyre never going to forget it. my sister said that apparently theres this little voice in their head that tells them that theyre going to get hurt again and thats where their trust issues begin to develop and--IWA-CHAN WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!’

iwa was already out of his seat and straight walking towards you and your group before stopping beside your chair

your friends quieted down at the sight of the known boy and you blinked then turned your head to see him, your eyes instantly turning dark and looking away immediately

‘what the hell do you want’

you hissed and natsu almost choked on his rice ball if it wasnt for another girl patting his back

‘it was me, right? all along, not oikawa, but me?’

his meek voice made you look up in confusion

‘what are you talking-’

‘you chose me instead him’

then it was like a click that you realized what he said

‘how did you know’

‘i-i’

he stuttered but was cut off when the teacher finally arrived to announce the end of lunch and iwa was forced to go back to his seat

the whole class time, you would sneak glances back and iwa would be staring at his paper while oikawa would wink at you and give you smirks

OH GOD HE TOLD HIM

after class you stomped up to the brunette haired boy

‘how could you?! why did you tell-’

‘lets talk, y/n? please?’

iwa was holding your arm and you glared at him before turning away and walking away

oikawa patted him on the shoulder in good luck and whispered,

‘get your girl’

the rooftop ledge looked really delicious right now

no words were exchanged so you were both just silent with you staring at him while he was looking off to the side

‘so what? now you know and so what do you want?’

you spoke first and iwa guiltily met your eyes

‘everything was,,, a mess. i misunderstood and i didnt communicate and i,,, messed up’

he mumbled the last part but you caught it perfectly causing you to scoff

‘damn right you did. so now you know and then youre going to do the cliche thing they do in those dramas where you magically profess your love for me and-’

‘hey y/n lets date’

you froze and looked at him shocked with wide eyes and jaw dropped

‘excuse me? who are you to say that?!’

you shrieked

‘first you think i have some big crush on tooru and this caused you to basically drop me like a damn pencil and second youre asking me to date you? iwaizumi hajime i thought you were always the smarter one. what the hell are you spouting you damn imbecile-’

iwa did the only thing he thought of

he quickly leaned forward and pecked your lips

he saw some guy do it in a telenovela that his mom watched a week ago and that was how the girl got silent so iwa thought it would be smart to shut you up that way

and it worked

bc you were so conflicted: angry, confused, sad, happy

you was the whole range of emotions in one second

‘i was stupid. and i was dumb. i wanted to give you and shittykawa space because i thought he liked you and he would be mad and misunderstand if we continued hanging out without him. but you shouldve told me you liked me, baka. maybe i wouldve come to like you back’

iwa rambled but your eyes watered and you huffed, slapping him across the face but pulled his collar to kiss him again

tbh iwa was shook bc he got 2 kisses in a row today and hes never been kissed before and its from this really pretty girl

‘how dare you kiss me and still not like me’

you seethed when you pulled away

but iwa held your hands

‘im starting to come to. give me time and i’ll accept your confession’

and give him time you did bc you finally were able to try and mend that friendship again and soon, you were already starting to fall back in love with him

but iwa also

during the end of your 2nd year, iwa nervously tugged you to the rooftop and you smirked

‘what? you gonna profess your love for me haji-kun?’

you teased and expected him to laugh and smack you gently but he didnt

he turned red and he looked down at his shoes as he magically produced a flower out of nowhere

‘please accept me, y/n!’

he shouted while holding out the single white carnation

your eyebrows scrunched and you grabbed the flower from his hands before punching him weakly

‘stupid! stupid haji-kun! i already accepted you! since we were five! how could you not see my feelings’

you whimpered, trying to hide the blush on your face but he smothered you to a hug, making you both topple over in the process

you had the cliched term of ‘summer love’

of course you still hung out with tooru but you both would hang out other days just you both

like you and iwa liked going over to some old playground by your house and you both would watch the sky on top of the slide assembly while talking about stupid stuff and the future

‘haji-kun, do you know what you want to be when youre old?’

you asked and he turned his head to look at you but you were focused on the stars

‘gojira’

he simply replied and you giggled, reaching over to hit his chest

‘baka. you cant be gojira-san’

iwa found himself giggling with you before he reached down to softly interwine your fingers and hold them up to look at them

‘hm, i dont really know. maybe a volleyball player. or someone in the volleyball team, i dont know’

you hummed, knowing him and tooru’s shared love for the sport

‘i wanna be a doctor. i want to save lives and help people and make money too! my mothers friend offered to intern me but apparently im still too young’

you pouted

iwa listened to you but then a lightbulb rang in his head

‘oi, y/n’

he started and you looked at him

‘you can be our manager. or medic. or doctor person. that bastard is going to push himself even harder because naoki-senpai gave him that damn position and he might kill himself trying to beat that farmer dude. besides, shittykawa is going to be the captain next year and i’ll be vice so youd easily get it anyways. so you in?’

you blinked at him before breaking out to a smile

‘eung! i wanna see my baby play what he loves!’

iwa’s face contorted to disgust

‘bABy?! iM nOt a BABY! im A mAn!! mAN!!’

‘mhm, okay. my mans, haji bara arms is my mans’

your relationship is very balanced with the perfect ratio of crackhead and seriousness and understanding bc as we ALL KNOW EVERYTHING STARTED W A MISUNDERSTANDING

like if he accidentally said something that hurt your feelings like that dress incident from years ago btw you brought it up to him and told him you were practically traumatized by that and he kept on apologizing and appearing at your doorstep with a white carnation in apology you would gently tell him bc communication is K E Y and he would tell you sorry and you guys would understand and make up

you guys were so lovey dovey that ltr oikawa would fake gag and throw up to the side when he catches you guys even doing things like holding hands

like bls he sees that flesh to flesh contact and he wretches his breakfast

‘ew, its the settling down for me’

‘its the flatness of the ass for me’

you stuck your tongue out while he pouted and iwa looked so proud like oml

you guys were still at the honeymoon phase where everything was peaches and rainbows and it continued until your 3rd year

as mentioned above, iwa basically gave you the managerial position

like yall were walking to school during the first day talking about how worried yall were at passing your classes when suddenly he was all like ‘ill see you in the gym later?’

you smiled and blinked confusingly

‘hm? you want a cheerleader there, baby?’

he flushed red at the nickname and furrowed his eyebrows

‘baka, stop calling me that’

you giggled and dodged his gentle smack but he grabbed your hand and pulled you close to his chest

‘i thought we already agreed that you would be our medic slash manager? i mean, it could give you experience for the future right?’

you rested your chin on his front to look up at him and your face held a teasing smirk

‘hmmm~~~ haji-kun just admit it. you want me to be there to cheer you on~’

you teased and nuzzled your cheek on him

iwa scoffed but he couldnt help a soft smile appearing

‘i mean-yea, but its for the future so ill help you every way i can’

‘oya? the future? will you marry me in the future, haji-kun?’

‘MARRY?! HOW DID YOU GET MARRY OUT OF THAT, BRAT’

‘AAWWWWW DONT BE SUCH A TSUNTSUN HAJI-KU-ACKDKJFSLKJNOT THE HAIR!!!’

sure enough you were at the gym after school

the coaches knew you werent a fangirl of oikawa bc hes seen you since the very beginning and oikawa clears you are actually a sister to him and you were fit for the job

ofc hes captain and someone as good as oikawa was going to get what he wants

the gym was full of newbies and recruits hoping to get into the powerhouse team and your eyes scanned to find those ridiculously pretty olive eyes that belonged to your beloved-

‘HAJI-KUN~~!!!’

you waved and shouted loudly, gaining his and everyone else’s attention as well

the underclassmen cooed and awed at you bc their senpai who was famous for being really pretty was in the building

‘waaaa its l/n-senpai’

‘shes so pretty’

‘oMG shes righT iN FroNT oF me!!’

yea you get the gist

the poor ‘haji-kun’ was shrinking under the attention and was growling at oikawa’s teasing look but he begrudgingly held his arms out for you to run into them and snuggle into him

‘hmmm i missed you, haji-kun. im really sad we’re in different classes this year. but then again! i can be here with you!’

you pouted and he ruffled your hair affectionately

‘why else do you think i offered it brat’

oikawa rolled his eyes and gagged before taking your arm to the coach so he could sort you out

‘honestly! not in front of the children, okay?!’

but everything was quickly resolved and you were finally officially their manager/medic

you did managerial duties and you were the go-to when someone falls harshly or gets hurt in any way

in between homework, school, reading medical books, and practice, you and iwa havent spent a lot of time together and tbh that was quite straining your relationship??

like it was something that you saw coming and you both even had a talk about it but you still feel like you didnt prepare enough when it did come

one day, it was monday and there was no practice so you and iwa were walking home together

he squeezed your hand occassionally and you would sing and hum while walking

and omg his heart would balloon up when you would smile up at him and giggle when you would catch him staring

he honestly thought youd both hang out and just lay on the couch, snuggle, yanno the routine

but once you pulled out your textbooks, notebooks, and pens, he was confused

like he even held your hands and stopped you from pulling anything else out

‘y/n? i thought we were,, watching a movie or something?’

you blinked and shook your head

‘i need to study for a test and i still need to memorize how to treat a sprain, haji-kun. there’s more important things to do right now. maybe later?’

more important things?!

more important than showering you with love?

more important than even spending a second with him?

now, dont get him wrong, iwaizumi hajime was by no means a clingy and possessive boyfriend

he understood the boundaries and he understood the priorities

but dear god its been WEEKS since he even hung out w you since your entire schedule seemed to throw him out of loop and acted as if he didnt exist

and now, he was aggrivated and irritated and he wanted nothing but to just cuddle his girlfriend

you noticed his huff and pout but he remained silent

you quirked an eyebrow and placed your pen down

‘haji? whats wrong?’

his eyes snapped to you and you knew now he was angry

‘oh? were you able to spare a few seconds for dear old me?’

you were taken aback and you knew there was a fight brewing so you hid your growing irritation and calmly put your things aside

‘hajime, what are you on about?’

you pried and he looked shocked, almost offended

‘what am i on about? what am i on about? y/n, do you know the last time i even came over? the last time i held you and just talked?’

his voice got louder by every word and you quickly stood up

‘dont you dare raise your voice at me, hajime. if we have a problem, we talked over it calmly. we dont yell or shout, nothing gets resolved. we talked about this’

but he scoffed

‘talked? when was that? when did we actually just talk? hm? because I sure as hell dont remember it’

youve only seen hajime angry once and it was when you lied to him to go spend time with oikawa

okay in your defense, oikawa was having a panic attack and he begged you not to tell iwa because he didnt want to be scolded by iwa even though you kept telling him that iwa wasnt like that

and theres a reason as to why its only been a one-time thing because iwa was known to have patience that was as long as the damn nile river

except for oikawa bc it seems oikawa just cuts that patience by a million

and when he finally snaps, its when he couldnt take it anymore and he finally gets loose

when iwaizumi hajime was angry, you really done it

you didnt really know how you handled that anger so you were at a loss and you were feeling conflicted and pained at the way he looked at you

‘h-hajime,,,’

you started and he looked at you expectantly

‘well? when did we last actually talk outside the school premises y/n?’

there was that inner witty voice of yours that wanted to say ‘right now?’ but you held it in bc he was completely serious

‘hajime, please understand. i-i dont want to let anyone down! my grades! the team! i-’

‘but what about me, y/n?’

he tiredly asked

‘do those things-those people- matter more than me? and i really really dont want to ask that but im so so confused y/n’

despite sounding manipulative, you knew iwa was feeling defeated and he couldnt help but ask those questions and sound so desperate

so you scrambled to sit next to him on the couch and held him against you

‘of course you matter to me-haji you mean everything to me, you understand? god, if an adult hears me theyd think im crazy but i love you, hajime. i love you and im so sorry if i ever made you feel that way because i really didnt mean to, okay? im so sorry’

you sobbed and he turned to fully envelop you into his arms and he sighed contently, remembering how good it felt to have you right there

‘no, im sorry, doll. i was being clingy and i didnt mean to lash out, i-’

you slightly let go and cupped his face

‘nonono you were perfectly valid. what you felt was perfectly reasonable. i havent been a good girlfriend lately, huh?’

you sadly smiled but he kissed you, holding you even closer

‘youre always a good one to me. always. just with a not good schedule but we can fix that, right?’

SORRY I REALLY DONT KNOW HOW TO WRITE A FIGHTING SCENE BC ITS ANGSTY AND I DONT DO WELL WITH ANGST BC IT MAKES ME CRY 😭

tbh that was really your only big fight

even when you guys graduated middle school, you both were still quite happy and you both worked hard to make time for each other

HOWEVER

when high school arrived, you both had chosen an extremely hard decision

you chose to go to karasuno while oikawa and iwa went to seijoh

which was a,,,, hard and difficult decision

in fact, you both didnt have a fight per se, just a disagreement that ended in like 30 minutes lmao

tbh its so scary and concerning of how rarely you both have bad times and how quickly it gets resolved

BUT THEN AGAIN THIS IS AN ANGST REQUEST SO ILL OF COURSE BRING IN THE SADNESS

you were busy with karasuno and you were actually taking college courses since you wanted to have a good record if you ever wanted to get into a medical field

that meant you had a lot of homework and most of your time was spent with schoolwork or interning for that family friend mentioned earlier

and you were also a manager for the volleyball team bc karasuno is a butt and they require you to have an after school club

so that meant,,,

no time for iwa

and fate just so happens to hate you bc the days you did have off, he would be busy with volleyball and he wouldnt be able to spend time with you

even weekends were like that

eventually, you both went for 2 months with no contact, just a few text messages and calls

and that strained your former strong relationship

and you knew that iwa was getting angry again with how he even typed his responses

‘want me to bring over snacks for the team?’

‘its okay. wouldnt want you to waste time or anything’

like that type of bull

you were getting increasingly worried because you havent had a good proper time to talk to him about it and you didnt want to fight over the phone

your best friend, kiyoko, noticed your anxious ticks and she snapped you out of your current daydream

‘hey? y/n? you okay?’

she gently asked and you blinked before nodding

‘mhm. just,,, thinking’

but she didnt buy that lie because you went back to chewing your lips and eyes even watering

‘i can revise your notes for you, y/n. and the team isnt doing anything big so i can handle it. you just go see him after school bc i cant handle you being sad anymore’

kiyoko gently smiled and you almost cried bc finally! you were able to clear your schedule enough to go visit your boyfriend

at the end of the school day, you bolted out of there and you were running and huffing all the way to seijoh bc you really wanted to talk to him as soon as possible

the gym was clear in view and you smiled, looking forward to seeing your beloved boy, when you saw him and oikawa being surrounded by girls

now keep in mind, youve suffered through middle school with oikawa and you were his best friend and has known him since you were a toddler

so you know of his looks and the attraction it brought him from all the females

so that didnt really bother you

but what bothered you was the horde of girls that stuck on to your boyfriend and he didnt even look bothered

just,,, blank

not even pushing away or feeding into their actions

just,,, standing there

‘haji?’

you called out and as if he had a built-in sensor for you, his ears twitched and he swiveled to look at you

‘y/n’

he breathed out and you smiled gently

iwa quickly moved away from the girls and he grabbed your hand so you both could go somewhere else to talk privately

the back of the gym was quiet and you leaned against the wall, iwa joining you shortly

‘how-how are you?’

you asked and he scoffed, totally surprising you

‘is this how we are y/n? asking each other questions as if we’re friends who are meeting for the first time in a while? wait--actually we are arent we?’

you grimaced and looked to the side, knowing he starts his stages of anger with being passive aggressive

‘haji,, please understand’

you pleaded and swiveled to stand in front of him

iwa didnt meet your eyes, instead shoving his hands in his pants pockets and eyes trained to his shoes as he kicked rocks

‘y/n, ive been trying,, for months ive been understanding. please dont ask me to understand anymore’

he snipped and you sniffed

‘im doing this because-because my grades are starting to matter! my future is resting on these years! i have to-’

‘dont you think i know that?!’

he cut you off harshly

your eyes were shaking at his attempt to calm himself down and his trembling hands

‘dont you think i know that you are doing this for that? because ive known you since i was five y/n and i know you would push everything-everyone- else aside to reach a damn goal of yours. no matter the cost, as long as you get it, right? well youve always been like that and somehow i still accepted that yet years later here we are’

iwa waved his arms around to accentuate his point and hurt was bubbling inside your chest at a subtle jab at your flaw

‘well im sorry mr. volleyball ace player! im not talented in any area so i have to depend on my studies to get me a future! so fck me for trying to survive and create a life for us!’

‘us?! how is this for us?! y/n we cant even last a single year being apart and youre already thinking ahead of the future?!’

‘im doing this for you! for us! just wait hajime! we will be happy-’

‘I DONT CARE IF ITS FOR THE FCKING FUTURE! I WANT TO BE HAPPY WITH YOU RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW! AND WHY DOES THE FCKING FUTURE MATTER SO DAMN MUCH WHEN WE CANT EVEN-’

‘BECAUSE I LOVE YOU AND I WANT TO BE WITH YOU!’

you shrieked

‘HOW CAN YOU LOVE ME IF YOURE NOT LOVING ME?!’

he huffed and harshly wiped away tears that fell

your lips trembled, hands shakingly reaching out to grasp his arms

‘ha-hajime,, don-’

‘should we break up?’

was he asking you this right now?

seriously?

‘what?’

you whispered and he finally looked up to let you see his pained eyes

‘y/n do you know what day it was yesterday?’

he asked and you blinked, looking everywhere as you tried to remember any important events

‘t-tuesday?’

that seemed to snap his patience

with an angry grunt, he turned to punch the wall and crouch to hide his face in his hands

‘damn it, y/n’

he whimpered and your heart broke as you could hear his cries

then it clicked

anniversary

it was your 2nd anniversary

and you completely missed it

completely forgotten

you shrunk back and let out a cry before placing a hand over your mouth to muffle your cries

‘ha-haji-’

you sniffled and you tried to go closer to him but he wiped his eyes and stood back up

‘y/n lets break up’

iwa requested with a cracked smile

your eyes widened and you ran to his chest, wrapping your arms around him as if you let go, he would disappear

‘haji, we can talk about this! we cant-please dont do this-i can fix this-’

‘we will only hurt ourselves even more if we continue this. i dont want us to hurt anymore y/n. so please, for once, listen to me’

your heart shattering cries filled your space and he didnt think it was this hard until he finally said it

it was a decision that he has been hanging around for a while and even consulted oikawa about it

‘iwa-chan, if you love y/n so much, its best to let her go. dont make you both suffer anymore’

‘i cant-hajime youre it for me-please dont leave-’

you hiccuped and continued to sob

but iwa remained a pillar and squeezed you tightly against him

‘darling i believe we were meant to be. but we just did it all wrong. when the time is right, lets start over again’

he whispered, finally breaking down with you in his arms

-------

iwaizumi hajime became a taboo word for you

even with oikawa, he swore and vowed to never say either of your names and made sure that you would not be around the area when iwa would come over

like even when he knew iwa would just stay inside, he would be constantly on the lookout to make sure you both didnt see each other

the last time was when you both saw each other in the morning as you exited your house to walk to school

it must’ve been a few months after the breakup and even oikawa felt the raw pain hovering in the air

it was suffocating and oikawa had to motion you to walk because if you both stayed even a second, someone-or both- would start crying

you continued like that for years until you reached your third year

you continued being part of the volleyball team as the medic while kiyoko was the manager

the new recruits were causing up a storm and you were particularly fond of your kita kouhai kageyama tobio

‘kageyama? kageyama tobio?’

you asked once you caught sight of the familiar looking blueberry

he looked up and recognized you as his former manager

‘l/n-senpai!’

he shouted and you ran up to give the boy a hug

‘gosh! youre so tall now! i remembered when you were wee tall!’

you teased and ruffled his hair

‘uh-you know him, y/n?’

suga asked and you nodded

‘eung! we went to the same middle school and i was a manager there’

‘she was friends with iwa-’

ope

something flashed in your eyes

kiyoko knew that name bc of how you were so depressed about it for 2 years and she started shouting random nonsense, scaring the 2nd and first years

‘y/n! we got new medical tape!’

she sang out and you perked up

‘finally?! we dont have to use duct tape anymore?!’

you excitedly ran over and everyone was both shook that kiyoko was loud and two, you were actually excited over medical tape

kageyama shrugged and continued on training

he kinda figured something happened so he never said anything or asked you anything in fear of upsetting you

and when it was announced that you were going to a practice match with seijoh, kiyoko actually told you she would cover it to make sure you dont see him there

‘its fine, y/n, i got you’

but ofc, you couldnt skip inter high

ltr an event when anyone in the team could get injured so you forced yourself to just ignore it and go

you did a good job of hiding whenever he was in view until the time they actually faced each other

you were walking alongside kiyoko and settling some things down at the bench when you felt his stare

you grimaced at his intense stare and the entire team mistakenly took it as him being interested in you

‘HAH?! LOOK AWAY YOU BEANSPROUT!’

noya growled

‘YEA! DONT LOOK!’

ofc hinata echoed

the 3 seijoh third years exchanged looks of unease when iwa sighed and looked away

‘oi! dont do that, boke!’

kageyama chided and hit the orange boy with a water bottle at the head

hinata whined and glared at him

‘that porcupine was looking at l/n-senpai! he wants to steal her!’

‘boke-’

‘doesnt matter anyways. we broke up ages ago’

you tried to say it jokingly but they couldnt miss the crack in your voice

‘hah?! he broke up with you?! you?! goddess l/n-san?!’

tanaka raged and noya had his own face of shock

the famous seijoh ace dated you?!

this handsome bara arms muscle buff man had the priviledge to date you and yet broke up with you?!

‘yall didnt know that?’

kageyama questioned and everyone glared at him

‘how do you know’

‘i just did. i didnt want to say anything for this same reason that you guys didnt know and she wouldnt want her business out there’

he simply replied and continued filing his nails

you looked up and smiled

‘it doesnt matter anymore. it was years ago so its fine’

‘L/N-SAN WE WILL AVENGE YOU!’

‘WE WILL! WE WILL!!’

the three stooges swore and you smiled softly, ruffling each boy’s hair

‘then go out there and make me proud’

but we know how this goes

they lost and you were so devastated for the others and you dropped your bag to go and comfort a crying hinata

‘sshh, dont cry dont cry. im right here’

you cooed and he accepted your embrace, hugging you tightly

once he finally calmed down, you were able to get him to a good enough condition to walk to the bus to go home

you went back to get your bag when you found something on top of it

a single white carnation

and a small ripped piece of paper that said,

‘my name is iwaizumi hajime. i think youre really pretty’

a/n: iknowiknowiknow i died but im not back to life and this request was lowkey difficult and i dont think i did a good job w it because angst always gets too angsty for me but i couldnt resist giving this a sad ending like bls!!! and uwu im still working on that oikawa route bc ya girl cant decide how angsty she wants it to beeee and i have like 4 different versions of the route in my drafts hehehe,,,, but i hope yall liked this and uwu ive never been in a serious relationship before so i wouldnt know what to fight about and came up with this:(

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maysbanks · 4 years ago

Text

are you bored yet. (jj maybank)

hey everyone ! basically this is my first time writing for jj, or anyone from obx in general. this is a side acc from my main acc that i made purely bc this fic idea came to me when watching obx and after listening to the wallows on repeat for weeks. idk i just thought the song was kinda fitting for jj, and im a sucker for soft ! jj with a friends to lovers arc, so here this is. it's quite a long one btw, the words just kept flowing so i apologise in advance. also i have a few more fic ideas based off some songs so if you like this and are interested in more pls let me know ! im probably gonna be writing a lot more for this boy bc i adore him. anyways i hope u enjoy !

warnings: features swearing, mention of sex, underage drinking, drug use and violence.

summary: based lightly off the song 'are you bored yet?' by the wallows ft clairo, reader and jj delve deeper into their relationship, taking the steps further into becoming something more than best friends. however worries and doubts begin to plague their minds, as they fear their relationship of becoming just a memory.

( gif isn't mine! please let me know if it's yours so i can credit you. )

"What are you doing later?" You looked towards Kie who'd directed the question towards you, her eyes squinting from the sun that was grinning down at your forms from where you were both seated on the sand.

"Dunno," you shrugged your shoulders. "Probably hanging out with J or something."

Kiara scoffed, a mocking look taking over the features of her face as her head turned towards yours, your eyebrows raising at the sly smirk on her lips. "What?" You questioned, narrowing your eyes when all she did was laugh. You shifted in your place, body moving from laying on your back to on your stomach, figuring it was about time to switch positions for your tan anyway. "Seriously Kie, what're you laughing about?"

She shifted along with you, only laying on her right side so she could face you head on, her hand propping her head up from the ground. She was still grinning. "JJ," she said simply. You raised your eyebrows at her once more, seemingly not understanding what she was trying to get at. "What's going on with you two?" Kie pushed on when you didn't respond, her own eyebrows inching further up her forehead.

In the distance you could hear the boys' screams, their commotion coming from the water you had passed on entering. You could hear JJ taunting John B from where you lay, Pope laughing along, and the splashes that you could only assume were also coming from them. You never spared them a glance, though from the corner of your eye could see their figures and indeed the loud splashes of water were coming from them, and you were certain JJ was holding John B underneath the water.

"Nothing's going on," you said in response to Kie's question, rolling your eyes playfully at her exclaim of 'oh c'mon!'. "What? It's the truth. Nothing is going on, not really."

Kie furrowed her brows. "What do you mean by 'not really'? Did something happen between you two?" She prodded.

You shrugged, because in all honesty you couldn't say much of anything about your relationship with JJ. You were just as unsure about it all as Kie and more than likely the rest of the gang were (because if Kie had picked up on it than surely Pope and John B had too, and you were kind of freaking about it.) and had no idea what to say in her line of questioning. Of course you wanted to talk about it, you and the Pogues never kept secrets from each other - but was it really a secret when they technically knew about it anyway, and was it really a secret when you and JJ hadn't even spoken about keeping it a secret too? Your mind raced, and you figured it was easier to just shrug it off for the time being. Kie would no doubt ask again, and you hoped you had the answers by the next time she (or someone else) would.

"He's my best friend," you'd decided on saying. From the corner of your eye, you could see the guys approaching. "We've been close since we were like, ten. We've always been the same."

Except now the two of you held hands under the table and kissed in the safety of your rooms, among other things. That part of your relationship was fairly new though, and so you decided against saying anything until you could work out exactly what was going on between you and JJ - because you had no clue, and weren't even sure that JJ knew himself. It just sort of happened, the line being crossed over from friends to lovers in the blink of an eye. One minute you'd never dare to give in to the temptation of JJ Maybank's heavenly sinful lips, and the next the pair of you were sharing a bed almost every night.

Nothing much had changed though, in regards to your friendship. JJ and you had always been close, always intimate in your touches. Always beside each other, rarely without the other. You were an unstoppable duo from the minute you met. Just somehow, along the line, over the years, your friendship had turned into more. Each touch became longer, each glance would linger, and something had shifted. It was inevitable, you supposed. Nobody was ever really that close with someone without feelings getting involved at some point.

The guys were a lot closer now, and Kie spared them a glance before looking back towards you. "Friends don't look at each other the way you two do." Was all she said before the sun that was earlier shining down on you was blocked by the trio of tall guys that smiled at the pair of you. Kie sat up, smiling as Pope took a seat beside her on her towel. "Have fun out there?"

"Oh, tons," came the voice that belonged to the person you were talking about not a minute ago. JJ smirked down at you, blonde hair dripping wet on his forehead and golden tanned chest on full show. You admired the view behind your sunglasses and sent a grin in his direction when he seemed to notice. "You checking me out there, babe?"

You laughed as he did a little shimmy, rolling your eyes as you looked at him over the rim of your glasses. "What would you do if I was, Maybank?" You played along, smirking when you heard John B let out a gag from somewhere beside you. JJ smiled back, and squatting down in front of your form he'd grabbed hold of your feet, laughing when you squealed. Tugging so that you were laying on your back rather than your front, his sea blue eyes gazed down your body, unknowingly leaving a trail of fire in its wake. The feeling you shared with JJ was unlike any other, nothing or nobody could come close to topping it. It was unexplainable, the feeling of absolute longing for him to just be there forever. You couldn't ever imagine a life without him in it, and that thought both scared and excited you.

JJ stared down at you, tongue peeking from his mouth to wet his pink lips as he looked. You felt hot all over and you knew it wasn't because of the sun. "Things only you could imagine sweetheart," he taunted from above you, knowing fine well that what you could imagine he'd probably already done to you. You smirked back, feeling a thrill shoot through you because the pair of you knew this and the remaining three of your group had no idea, or so you believed. This new relationship, this unspoken thing between the two of you was simply yours, and somewhere in the future you feared you'd both come to regret it, whatever it was, but in the moments of the present you knew neither of you could find it in yourselves to actually care.

And so you both smiled at each other like the world around you didn't exist, and for a couple of seconds you could pretend it didn't, JJ moving so he was seated behind you with your body seated between his legs and your back against his chest. Sat there, surrounded by your friends though almost oblivious to their presence as JJ's hands rested on your skin, his breath on your neck. You leaned into him, and smiled when he placed a discreet kiss to your shoulder.

Locking eyes with him, you grinned. The burst of happiness and content when he grinned back was almost unbearable, and in that moment you knew you never wanted whatever it was that you two shared to end.

It was a few days later when JJ showed up at your window, his face bloody and bruised, his form weak as he pulled himself into your bedroom. You didn't need to ask twice about who'd caused the damage, your body and mind going into autopilot as you hurried from your bed and grabbed hold of him, JJ grunting as he fell into you, his hand clutching desperately at his side.

"Shit, JJ," you'd cursed as you helped him land on your bed, hands instantly grabbing at his face and assessing the damage that had been left by his father. There was cuts along his brow line, his eye was bruised and already swollen shut, his bottom lip bust open and oozing blood. Your thumbs swiped along his cheeks, being careful of the injuries, and you felt tears pricking at your eyes at the sight of him. You blinked them away as quickly as you could, he didn't need to see you being so upset in that moment. And besides, you had bigger issues like getting him cleaned up like you had done too many times before. "Stay here, okay. I'm gonna go get the first aid kit."

JJ only grunted, and you pressed a kiss to his forehead before leaving the room to get the kit, your mind reeling. It was no secret about JJ's father and his years of abuse towards his own son, and you'd seen him beaten so badly so many times before, but it never got any easier. Each time it happened JJ would wound up at your house, and each time you would clean him up, making sure his wounds were tended to and making him as comfortable as possible as he slept next to you, most nights with his head resting on your chest as you soothed him to sleep with whispers of reassurance that you were there and that you loved him. He would fall asleep with tears staining his cheeks and you would cry yourself to sleep afterwards too, wishing that could just take away all his pain, wishing that you could do more, wishing that JJ had a better life than what he was given, because there was no-one that deserved it more.

You sniffed and forced your tears away, trying to focus on the task at hand. It didn't take long to locate the first aid kit and within a minute you were back in your bedroom, where JJ lay, staring up at your ceiling with his chest moving up and down in a motion that proved he was trying to hold his own tears in. Your heart broke at the sight, and you bit down on your wobbling lip as you moved towards him. His eyes met yours when you were close enough, stood in front of him on your bed. You smiled softly.

"Hey, honey," you soothed as he slowly sat up, grimacing at the obvious pain from his side as he did so. Despite his pain, he smirked back at you.

"Hi, baby."

Stepping closer, effectively between his legs, you smiled as his hands wound around and grabbed at your legs, almost as if he was grounding himself, focusing all his attention onto you. You took a moment to take him in as you pressed the wet rag you'd also grabbed on his face, beginning to clean the cut on his eyebrow. It wasn't too deep, thank god, you thought. You feared for the day where one cut might be too deep and one blow too strong, and the thought of JJ, strong and hot headed and impulsive and passionate, might not being able to drag himself out of the house of hell and getting to anyone for help, to you, to John B, to Pope or Kie, scared the shit out of you to put it simply. JJ was so strong, but there was only so much he could take, and you dreaded the day when that would come. You could only hope it never, and in the meantime do your best to prevent it. You let out a shaky breath as you continued to clean the blood from his face, gently dabbing at his torn lip as he hissed. "I'm sorry hon," you murmured, feeling your gut twist at the sight of him in pain.

"I'm okay," he breathed out, only it was shaky and you both knew it to be a lie. You said nothing though, not wanting to start an argument that night. You'd had countless in situations like these, where you'd tell him he needs to get away from his dad and he'd tell you its not that easy and that nothing fucking is on this island, and you'd try and tell him you understand that but you hate seeing him like that, beaten to a pulp, sometimes barely even able to move, and that you were scared to lose him. He'd tell you that you were too good for him, you deserved better, you deserved more, and you'd cry and tell him to shut up, that he was your best friend and all you ever needed and you'd always be there for him, and he would shake his head and deny it all with tears streaming down both your faces until you collapsed into each other and fell asleep with your limbs intertwined whatever mood you'd gone to sleep in. There was something about that night that told you not to argue, not to push him, just clean him up and hold him and let him know that he wasn't alone in this world. His eyes met yours once more. "I'm okay." He repeated, as if you hadn't heard him the first time.

All you could do was nod, and wiping the last bit of blood from his face, you quickly went over the cuts with disinfectant, JJ's grip tightening on the backs of your legs as you continued to tend to every last bit of him. Finishing on his face, you placed a kiss on each and every cut, bruise or scrape that was etched into his skin. He let out a shaky breath, one hand moving up and landing on your back, rubbing up and down as his forehead rested on your shoulder. Running your own hands through his blonde locks, you pressed your nose to the top of his head as you held him close to you. It wasn't long before you felt the tears soak through the material of your shirt (which was technically JJ's shirt, but that didn't matter much.) and his body started to shake against your own, chest heaving and hands shaking.

"I hate him," you heard him mutter. You closed your eyes, wrapping your arms around him tighter, one hand clutching the back of his neck as the other rubbed soothing patterns onto his back. JJ shook against you, hands clutching onto the sides of your shirt as his lips brushed against the side of your neck as he let out a sob. "I just - I fucking hate him! Why does he do this, why does he -? Why, why, why?"

He was muttering the word over and over again, all sense of himself lost as he sobbed into your neck. In that moment, you felt so useless, so powerless, and you knew that JJ did too. You wished you could take away all his pain, make him see that he was so loved, that you loved him entirely and surely, but all you could do in that moment was hold him tight and screw your eyes shut as you cried along with him.

"He doesn't deserve you, J," you whispered into his hair. "He doesn't deserve you one bit. You're the best son, okay. You're the best friend, the best goddamned person on this island, on this planet! You're so loved, you hear me? You're so loved, babyboy. We all love you, I love you okay. I love you more than anything."

You'd said the words a million times before, but somehow in that moment, wrapped up in each other, JJ sobbing into your chest and you holding him like a person would a child, his ear resting against your heart where he could hear every little beat, his own matching the rhythm soon after - in that moment, _you both knew it meant more. That the friendly shared 'love you's' from so many times before were different to the ones now, and yet still neither of you spoke about it. You focused on JJ, giving him the comfort he so desperately needed. And JJ focused on you, focused on your heartbeat and the sound of your breathing and the soothing words you were whispering to him, and you had no clue as to what he was thinking; that he loved you, so fucking much. JJ Maybank didn't know what to do with that, to love someone so completely and honestly like he loved you, beyond the point of friendship and into the unknown territory of _in-love _absolutely _terrified him. But he knew it to be true, he was in love with you.

And as you forced him to take his shirt off so you could inspect the bruises surrounding his stomach and chest, laying a gentle kiss onto each and every one of them as he started at you with pure adoration in his eyes, he thought about your relationship - fears of you getting bored of him, wanting more than the island life and more than him, fears of you leaving him for something or someone simply more. Realising that he was no good like he'd always said, always suspected. But then you gazed at him with a certain glint in your eyes that he knew was reflecting in his own, and you were pressing your lips to his in a soft caress that dimmed all thoughts from his head and the question of 'are you bored yet?' fell flat on his lips as you ate them, chewed it up and spat it straight back out.

That conversation could come later, he supposed.

JJ's jaw clenched as he took in the sight of you, skin glowing in the late night sun that was slowly fading in the moons advance. The kegger had begun only an hour or so before, and yet the beach was filled with people already - varying of Pogues, Tourons and Kooks.

Among them all was you, red cup placed in your hands as you laughed at something the guy in front of you was saying, a small smile on the boys lips as he watched you. JJ felt something twist in his gut, suddenly feeling nauseous as he was stood a bit away from you, taking in the sight with malice in his blue eyes. He didn't know the guy that much was for sure, which could only mean one thing; he was definitely a Touron. That also probably meant that he was one of the few people at the party that didn't know JJ or anything of his reputation for being a bit too hot headed. JJ couldn't decide if that was a good or bad thing.

"Dude," John B slapped a hand on his shoulder, effectively snapping his trance at the pair across the beach. JJ turned towards his best friend, a smirk on John B's lips as their eyes met. "You're gonna poke holes into that guys head the way you're glaring at him man."

JJ rolled his eyes, his head once again moving to look back towards your figure. You didn't look mad at the attention the guy was giving you, and that sent a trail of fury in JJ's veins. "Who is that guy, man?" He asked instead of replying to John B's playful taunts. John B seemed to take note of that and simply shook his head. Fucking clueless, he thought.

"Dunno," John B replied as he took a swig of the beer in his hands. "Some Touron, probably." He glanced at his best friends face and noticed the glare darken in JJ's eyes. He suddenly shifted, blocking his view of you and the guy, ignoring JJ's grunt of displeasure at his move. "Don't start anything, J. Alright?"

JJ scoffed. "Me?" He chuckled darkly. "Nah man, you know I'd never start anything," he patted John B's chest twice. "I'm not the fighting type." JJ knew that John B could make out the sarcastic drawl to his words, and looking away from the brunette's eyes JJ was glancing back at you. His features shifted dramatically as he saw the guy take a step closer to your body, and despite the somewhat uncomfortable smile on your face you never seemed to object to the move. JJ felt the anger in his veins grow. "Fuck this!"

John B stopped him before he could take another step, shoving his chest so that he stumbled backwards. "Don't even think about it," JB warned. From afar, Pope seemed to take notice of the two and began to walk towards the seething blonde and his brunette best friend. "Pope, man tell him," John B practically pleaded as the most level headed of the group arrived at their side. It didn't take long for Pope to realise what the source of JJ's anger was, spotting you and the guy, completely oblivious to what was going on. "What are you planning on doing, huh?"

"He's all over her," JJ simply said - as if that was enough of an excuse for his anger. Pope and John B shared a glance. "I'm just gonna go over there and see if she's alright, alright?"

"Why do you care if he's all over her?" Pope raised his eyebrows. "You're not her boyfriend."

That faltered JJ's stance, and for a split second he looked away from you - still laughing, both hands gripping the cup in your hands, bikini clad top on full show for unwelcome eyes to wander. He clenched his jaw tighter, teeth clashing in his mouth, as he thought about Pope's words. Was it technically true; wasn't he your boyfriend? He didn't know - neither of you did. You hadn't spoken about anything, the changes in your relationship coming almost naturally so that neither of you cared to at first.

First, there was the no Pogue-on-Pogue macking rule. Second, there was something so deliciously thrilling about keeping your relationship from everyone else - no room for drama or prying eyes, or so he thought. But the unknown was beginning to scare him, and all he wanted was answers.

It was as if putting a label on what you both were would potentially put an end to everything, all the kissing, cuddling, secret touches, lingering looks, whispered endearments. The pair of you were too young for this shit, JJ thought. Thinking so hard about what you are or weren't. And god forbid you'd both come to regret it all; JJ couldn't let that happen. He wouldn't.

"I'm not gonna do anything," he said simply, and shoved his way past his friends before they could do anything else. He approached you, your eyes immediately catching his and a large grin overtaking the features of your face as he came closer. The guy seemed to notice your shift in attention and he turned too, eyes widening a bit at the sight of the blonde stood in front of him. JJ tried to smile naturally, his too sharp teeth secretly grinding together. "Hey," he chirped as if he was talking to an old friend. "How're you doing, man? I'm JJ."

You hid a laugh behind your hand, having no clue as to what JJ was trying to achieve but finding the obviously fake enthusiasm rather hilarious in that moment. Over his shoulder, you noticed John B and Pope watching with careful eyes, and everything seemed to click in your mind. _JJ was obviously planning on starting something. _You decided to get yourself and your somewhat boyfriend slash best friend out of the situation before anything could happen, the poor Touron didn't have a clue that you were kinda taken, to a fist throwing first ask questions later, tall blonde named JJ Maybank after all.

"It was nice talking to you, dude," you told the guy, his face dropping at the word dude. God, had he seriously wasted all that time flirting with you? You grabbed JJ's hand, only for him to tug it out of yours and place it around your shoulders, blue eyes sending daggers to the nervous boy on front of you. "We're gonna go now, I think."

And with that, you led the way away from him, not missing the way JJ's eyes swooped over the guy in an almost warning manner before smirking at him. Your hand reached up and fingers intertwined with those of JJ's that were sat rather comfortably near your breast. JJ's fingers squeezed yours in response, his arm tugging you closer before he leaned down and pressed a hard kiss to the top of your head.

Once you were a good distance away from the party and its occupants on the beach, you turned in his arm, hand letting go of his to wrap both your arms around his waist. He kept the same arm around your shoulder and placed his other on your bare back between the high waist line of your shorts and the knot of your bikini, long fingers spacing out and rubbing soothing patterns into the skin.

You sighed as you looked at him. "What was that about?" You questioned, a small smile tugging on your lips regardless of the seriousness in your question as you demanded answers.

"That guy was all over you," JJ grunted, his eyes leaving yours to glare at the space where you stood a minute before talking to the said guy. "He was practically drooling all over you. I saved you, y'know. You should be thanking me, babe."

You laughed, and rolling your eyes you reached up to touch his face, thumb smoothing over the still darkened skin under his eye from the confrontation of his dad earlier that week. Leaning up on your toes, aware that nobody could see the action from the distance you and JJ were stood from the kegger, you pressed a kiss to the bruised skin, JJ's eyes closing at the feel of your lips against his skin, a soft exhale leaving his chest.

"Were you jealous, baby?" You teased gently, chuckling at his scoff in response to your accusation. "Relax, J. You don't have to be. I've only got eyes for you."

That seemed to catch his attention. JJ pulled away from you a bit, blue eyes suddenly serious and pink lips forming a tight line. For a second you worried you'd said something wrong, suddenly afraid that he would pull back completely and distance himself from you like you feared one day he would - it was only a matter of time before he realised what you had was a mistake, you worried. That he'd get bored of you and realise there was so many other people he could have. The thought alone made you sick, and you forced the intruding thoughts to the back of your head as JJ's eyes trailed over your face.

"What's wrong?" You couldn't take it anymore. The silence was deafening, even with the music and chatter of the teenagers behind you lingering in the night air. JJ seemed to get hold of his bearings at that moment, shaking his head and leaving a hand from your body to run through his hair. You watched him all the while, lip between your teeth. "J, what's wrong baby?"

JJ wished he had an answer, but he simply didn't. He had no idea what was wrong, no way of telling you the thoughts that were running through his mind. JJ had never been good with words, or emotions, or anything much like that at all. And so he just shook his head, sighing deeply as his hands caressed your face. You welcomed the touch, head leaning into his hold as he smiled down at you. You knew there was something he wanted to say to you; you had known him for so long, felt like all your life, and you could see right through his lies. However you never said a thing, once again. In that moment, it felt enough to just be by his side.

"Can we go?" He muttered quietly, despite no-one being around you. You smiled softly, eyes staring into each others there on the beach. "Just wanna go to sleep with you," he murmured that time, leaning down and kissing the side of your lips, not completely which had you grumbling quietly.

"Course, baby," you whispered as you looked at him, feeling nothing but adoration and love for the boy in front of you. "Let's go."

And so after kissing him under the moonlight, feet sunken in the damp sand as the sea splashed around you, the kegger still going strong in the distance, JJ took your hands and led the way back to the Chateau, where despite both your similar thoughts you crawled into bed in the spare bedroom and fell asleep together, your head resting on his chest with his cheek pressed against your head, arms wrapped around forms and legs intertwined.

It was hot, blistering heat panning down on your form as you lay on the hammock outside the Chateau, eyes closed with one arm resting over them in a fleeting attempt to block the sun out. Despite the unbearable temperature of the day, JJ lay in between your legs, perfectly muscular arms wrapped around your waist as his head rested on your stomach that was covered only by one of his infamous cut-off sleeve shirts, only a bikini underneath it keeping you modest.

One of your hands played with the hair on the back of his neck, twirling the strands in between your fingers and repeating the process over and over again, JJ letting out a low him as you did so.

It was just the two of you, the quiet and peacefulness welcome on the hot day as you cuddled as close as you could and as much as you wanted, nothing off limits away from the prying eyes of your best friends. Both Kie and Pope were working, John B having traded your company for that of Sarah Cameron's for the day, and so that only left the pair of you to do anything and everything you pleased. JJ had let out a joyous whoop when you'd discovered the fact, and you'd only managed to get out of bed half an hour before as he took full advantage of having the Chateau to yourselves for the morning. The original plan was to go surfing, but as soon as you'd stepped out of the house the both of you seemed to come to a silent mutual agreement that lounging around in the sun on the porch was a much more welcoming idea instead.

And so that's what the pair of you had done; there was barely a word uttered between you both as you lay there, JJ's skin slightly sticky and damp on your own due to the heat, but neither of you seemed to mind as you simply closed your eyes and basked in the quiet, content with doing nothing with your favourite person.

JJ's hands had moved so that he was caressing your side, your skin revealed with the low cut of his shirt as his thumb rubbed patterns into your skin. In its wake it left goosebumps, JJ's touch never failing to make you shiver even in all the years you had known him. He knew what effect he had on you too, he smirked as you shivered, his other hand squeezing the flesh of your hip.

You trailed your own hands down from his hair and onto the exposed flesh of his back as he lay shirtless, and you could feel the muscles under your palms clench as you let out a small giggle. JJ chuckled along, although he'd had no idea as to what it was you were laughing at in the first place. The sound of your laugh just made him happy, he supposed.

"What're you laughing at?" He murmured quietly, chin propping on your stomach and his eyes squinting up at you. He'd moved a hand down to your thigh, now kneading the flesh there as his other remained on your side and wrote unknown words into the skin there. You grinned down at him lazily, the sun and his charming aura making you feel high. Then again, you probably were high; the blunt you'd both shared a couple of minutes earlier taking its toll.

"Nothing," you hummed. "Just really, really fucking happy right now s'all."

JJ laughed, laying a kiss onto your stomach and loving the way you giggled at the action. He pressed more there, letting out dramatic sounds of various 'mwah's' as he trailed them up further until his lips were on the skin on your collarbone, continuing his assault onto your neck. JJ's tongue darted out, and your giggles had soon turned into breathy moans of approval as he sucked on the skin, his sharpened teeth sinking into the flesh not long after. You gripped the back of his neck, fingernails digging into his hairline as your sounds of pleasure rippled through the air surrounding you without a care in the world. In that moment you couldn't care less if anyone had caught you - all that mattered was JJ, all that ever mattered was JJ. He sucked gently on your flesh, adding to the bruises that already littered your chest, stomach, thighs, anywhere he could get his mouth earlier. You both knew questions would be asked from the others, in the high temperatures of the Outer Banks your skin was almost always revealed. But again, neither of you cared.

Not when JJ's mouth left your skin with a satisfying pop, his eyes taking in the sight of the freshly bruised flesh, a content smile on his lips. He leaned down and peppered a kiss to the lovebite, soothing his tongue over it afterwards. You let out a sigh, suddenly breathless under his heated gaze.

JJ shuffled his body up and closer, one leg in between yours as his right hand came up and held your face tenderly in his palm, the rough skin of his thumb swiping along your brow as he grinned cheekily down at you. "You're fucking beautiful y'know that?"

Your cheeks blazed, an almost embarrassed laugh leaving your mouth and you shook your head at his words. JJ looked offended suddenly, his brows furrowing as he nodded furiously. "Um, yes you are. Don't you dare say that you're not because you're, fucking, beautiful, okay," between each word he left lingering kisses to your lips with his own, and you knew it was probably the weed in his system that had spurred him to such a romantic confrontation, but you welcomed it regardless, giggling against his lips as one leg hooked around his waist. "Fucking god, you keep doing that and we won't be moving from this hammock all day."

"I'm not complaining about that," you replied and pressed your lips harder to his. JJ let out a groan, his body impulsively pushing down further onto yours, his hips directly on yours, chests pressed close together, his arm holding him up enough near your head so he didn't suffocate you completely, his other kneading the soft flesh of your bikini bottom clad ass. Your own hands caressed the skin of his abdomen, fingers sprawled and feeling his abs tense underneath the tips. You pulled away only slightly, taking in the sight of his flushed face, his eyes bright and yearning, flashing with something you couldn't quite place and his lips swollen and so very red. "Thank you, by the way." You whispered as you reached up and pushed the hair from his face. "You're pretty beautiful yourself, hon."

JJ seemed to understand what you were getting at then, his chest heaving with a chuckle as he shook his head at you. He leaned down and placed a kiss to your nose, returning his head to snuggle into your neck as you were once again wrapped around each other. "Thanks, I know," he joked (possibly) as his hands resumed their pattern of soothing shapes on your ribs. You hummed a random tune, the calming atmosphere returning around the pair of you on the porch. It was quiet for a few more minutes, your eyes closing involuntarily and almost falling asleep right then and there before JJ spoke up again. "You're my best friend, y'know."

The words were so quiet you almost missed them, but with the silence surrounding you, you'd heard them loud and clear. Your eyes opened and you glanced down at the boy laying atop of you, his face hidden in the skin of your neck.

"I would hope so," you laughed slightly, having no clue as to where JJ was planning on going with the fact. "You're my best friend too. I'd be lost without you and the guys."

"No," JJ shook his head. He shifted in his place, eyes connecting with yours as you sent him a questioning look, quirking your eyebrow. JJ sighed deeply, sucking his lower chapped lip into his mouth for a second before releasing it and allowing your finger to trace the outline of it. "You don't get it. You're like, my best friend. I know it sounds stupid and I'm probably a selfish fucker for saying it, but I'd put you above everyone else. You are above everyone else. And like, I don't know how else to explain it but you mean the fucking world to me. Without you, I'd be nothing. If I lost you, I'd fucking die."

His voice broke at the end, and it damn near broke your heart as you hushed him gently, arms circling around his head and holding it close to your chest. You kissed his forehead, hearing him sniffle before he raised his head and met your eyes, the sea blue crystallised by unshed tears.

"I feel like I've known you my whole life, and I just - I don't know what I'd do without you. I'm scared honestly, shit fucking feared of losing you, or you realising that I'm just a no good low life and you could do better, and honestly you could and I don't even know what the fuck you're doing with me," JJ chuckled darkly and you shook your head, feeling tears prick at your own eyes at his words. "And I don't even know if you want to be with me, or if what we're doing is some mistake you're gonna regret, but you're my best friend."

The earnest in his voice made your heart clench in your chest. You'd seen JJ cry numerous times, seen his facade break and his world around him to crash, seen the emotions pour out of him with so much force whether they be happy, sad, fucking hysterical or ecstatic; and you'd loved him through it all. The realisation of just how much you loved him, that went beyond friendship and into pure, earnest and genuine love for the boy in front of you, made your head swirl and butterflies in your stomach to clash heavily against your ribcage. Something warm spread throughout you, and you welcomed the feeling with open arms. You loved JJ Maybank, purely and honestly, with every fibre in your being.

"J," you murmured carefully, gripping his damp cheeks and forcing him to look at you. His face was unreadable, but you could see in his eyes what he was feeling in that moment. "You're fucking crazy, alright? Everything about you is so damned chaotic and I love every bit of it. I love every bit of you, so much. Do you know how scared I was that you would take all this back? Regret it all, leave me for someone better. I was scared shitless, because I cannot lose you. You're my best friend, and all I wanna do is spend all my time with you."

"I've never felt like this before," you whispered as JJ's gaze softened, hands gripping your hips and squeezing gently. You traced the worry in his brows, easing it away, traced the bottoms of his eyes, the slope of his nose and the outline of his lips. He breathed against your fingertips, the soft exhale making the hairs on your arms raise. "I love you, J. And if you think you're ever gonna get rid of me, you're terribly fucking mistaken."

JJ chuckled at that, blonde head falling on your chest as he breathed in and out, seemingly catching his breath at your confession. "Thank god," he breathed, cheeky gaze raising to catch yours as he grinned, suddenly surging forward and catching your lips with his own in a deep and passionate embrace that had you feeling dizzy at the pure feel of it all. "I was scared you were gonna tell me to fuck off, thought you were using me for my body for a minute there, babe."

You full on laughed, breaking away from his eager lips to let it out, your hands clutching his cheeks and your legs squashing his body atop yours from where they were wrapped around his waist. "You're such a fucker, J." He kissed along your jaw in response, biting down softly. "God, that weed must have been some new level shit."

"Nah," JJ shook his head and grinned. "You just drive me crazy, babygirl." His hands wandered from your ribs higher till his fingertips just slipped under the material of your bikini top. He pressed a further series of tender kisses to your chest, trailing them down and then back up to meet your lips once more. He gazed lovingly at you, looking golden in the sunlight. "I love you too, by the way. Just so y'know."

You grinned softly, catching his bottom lip with your teeth when he began to pull away, pulling a delicious groan from him. "I know," you echoed back to him, lips raising on their own accord to match JJ's almost shy smile at your declaration. "Hey, can we stay home today? Wanna watch the sunset with you later."

JJ snorted, laying one last lingering kiss to your lips before snuggling back into your neck, his eyelashes brushing against your delicate skin. "Whatever you want baby," he chuckled, breath warm. "Whatever you want."

Yours and JJ's (now established, thankfully) relationship only progessed from there; it was in the little things, spending every moment you could get with each other, always touching in some kind of way whether it to be hands curled around one another's, fingers dancing on skin, shoulders and arms brushing, legs squished beside each other. It was all new, and it was all so exciting, and any worries that the two of you may had shared earlier vanished and in their wake came new thoughts of the future, of which you'd spend together.

If the gang had noticed the change, they hadn't mentioned it. Though you already knew Kie suspected something a long time ago, and probably Pope and John B too, due to JJ's little episode at the kegger that time. But you and JJ rejoiced in the unknown, relationship growing stronger each day all the while. You weren't trying to hide it - god forbid, you'd both been waiting so long for it, but you hadn't officially announced you were boyfriend and girlfriend either. There wasn't anything to say, you thought. The relationship came naturally, years of close friendship gradually turning into something more for the pair of you, and you'd both agreed it would be way funnier for the gang to come to their own conclusions and confront you about it themselves. However long that would take them.

The Pogues had driven the HMS Pogue out to the marsh, planning on drinking, swimming and simply hanging out for the day. Sarah had joined you on that particular day, body pressed close to John B's as the group lounged around on the boat, you and JJ wrapped around each other as usual.

His muscular arm was wrapped around your shoulders as you sprawled out close together, your legs thrown over his as your body angled towards his own, head resting on his shoulder. Your hands held the one thrown over you, absentmindedly playing with his ring adorned fingers. His other gripped your knee laying over his, thumb rubbing gentle patterns into the tanned skin there.

Nobody had mentioned your closeness - it was nothing new, the pair of you had always been so close, always touching even before becoming a couple. But Sarah wasn't as close with you as the others, and though she was aware of how close you and JJ were, she wasn't as up to date with everything like everyone else. You'd had no idea that she always just assumed the pair of you were dating, until that day.

"So, you guys are like, a couple right?" She'd asked out of the blue, eyes directed onto you and JJ. Kie suddenly sat up straight, sunglasses raising to rest atop her head rather than on her nose, Pope beside her seemingly taking as much interest, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees as he listened.

From beside Sarah, John B laughed and shook his head. "Everyone thinks that," he grinned, looking to you and JJ who shared a knowing glance. Sarah looked at him in confusion. "They can't help it though, their sexual tension is through the roof."

Sarah looked even more confused. "Wait, so you guys aren't together?"

JJ cleared his throat, arm tightening around your shoulders. You squeezed his hand as you stared up at him, smiling softly at his uncertain gaze. Once he'd met your eyes, the uncertainty faded away and in its place came a cheeky kind of look, mischievous and so attractive that you had to hold yourself back from kissing him right then and there. You knew it was time to come clean; and you thought it would scare you, your relationship suddenly becoming so real, but the thought only made your insides twist and churn with nothing but excitement.

You looked back at Sarah, who's gaze was still on the pair of you, as well as everyone elses. You noted the almost giddy expression on Kie's face, the barely suppressed curiosity on Pope's, and the suddenly confused one of John B's. You almost laughed, but held it in to say, "Actually, yeah. JJ and I are together."

JJ squeezed you gently as the reactions from your friends began. Kie grinned smugly, Sarah smiled at the two of you, John B raised his eyebrows so high they almost got lost beneath his hat, and Pope slapped his knees before he lurched backwards with his arms raised above his head.

"I knew it, man," Pope shook his head, though a smile was growing on his handsome features. "I knew something's been up with you two."

You laughed as Kie scoffed, "You knew? I had it figured out from the very beginning, I could tell something had changed." She eyed you. "And I was specifically told that nothing was going on, you big fat liar!"

"I'm sorry," you chuckled. "In my defence, when you asked me about it then I actually didn't know if we were like, together together. We hadn't spoken about it yet."

JJ grinned and pulled your body closer, leaning down and pressing a sloppy kiss to the top of your head as your face was mushed into his bare chest. "Yeah, and who can blame her for wanting to keep my Sex God body all to herself?" He asked rhetorically, laughing when you slapped him on the chest with a playful eye roll.

"Wait, so are you a couple now?" John B questioned, puzzled. He looked between the pair of you, your arms wrapped around his waist, one of his still around your shoulder and hand resting between your boobs. The other brushed hair from your face, JJ's gaze loving and soft as he looked down at you before looking back towards his best friend. John B scrunched his face. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"We didn't tell anyone man," JJ shrugged carelessly. His fingers had began to play with your hair. "Figured it would be funnier for you guys to find out yourselves," he grinned. "So congratulations, you guys now know. Your reward is the knowledge that we fuck now!"

The gang groaned at his ludicrous words, and you slapped his chest with more force than you had before, just slightly as you scoffed and attempted to raise your head and move position to get a good look at him, but all JJ did was grab your hand and pull it upwards to his lips, kissing each of your knuckles instead.

You rolled as your eyes as you turned back to your friends. "We're sorry about not telling you," you said almost sheepishly. "We only really figured out what this was between us a few days ago, and by that time we just kinda forgot to mention it. This whole thing just kinda happened, we didn't know if it would last or become serious."

"And it has become serious now?" Pope voiced everyone's thoughts, glancing between the two of you. "Like, you're together as a couple. You love each other?"

You and JJ shared a look, the pair of you smiling softly as your hand raised and brushed the blonde strands of hair that fell over his brow, his own reaching up and holding the side of your jaw, his thumb swiping along your cheek lovingly. The others shared glances, unknown to you and JJ as you seemed to be lost inside your own little world for a moment.

When you came to again, you never turned from his eyes, watching the sea blue irises light up at your words; "Yeah, I love him, the fucker."

You heard a collective round of replies, but the feel of JJ's lips on yours for a second forced your attention on him and only him, your hands on his cheeks as you held him there for a full minute before pulling away, leaving a couple more little pecks on his lips. He whispered, "I love you." before he turned his attention to your friends, your smile so bright.

"I thought she'd get bored of me," he revealed unexpectedly. The Pogues (plus Sarah) all looked to him with various expressions of confusion, your own face matching theirs for a moment. JJ felt a smile tug on his lips as your hands massaged his scalp, nails scraping gently against the skin beneath. "But of course she couldn't, I mean I'm the fucking best am I not?"

The gang rolled their eyes as his normal cheeky expression returned, though they all smiled at the pair of you cuddled close together on the seats of the HMS Pogue, realising it was the happiest they'd ever seen the both of you. John B let out a sigh, shaking his head in disbelief. "Well, it's about time anyway."

And just like that, everything went back to normal. You knew they'd have more questions in the future, prepared to answer any and every one of them when they came. But your little group swayed their attention elsewhere sat out on their little boat, laughing and joking at the next topic of conversation, bright eyes and giddy smiles on every face as you drank, swam and sunbathed out there on the marsh. JJ was only looking at you though, skin golden and blue eyes shining. You loved him, you thought. How could he ever think you'd get bored of him, with his charm and quick witted words, sarcastic drawl and tendency to get into trouble, his obsession with weed and putting others before himself always, his beautiful mind and ridiculously good looks to match. He was yours, all yours. And you loved him. JJ grinned. "Are you bored yet?" He asked, just once, loving the sound of your giggle as you shook your head at his antics. "No? Good, because I'm never gonna get bored of you."

#jj maybank x reader #jj maybank x you #jj maybank imagine #jj x reader #outer banks x reader #outer banks x you #outer banks imagine #obx imagine #obx jj #jj obx #jj outer banks #jj one shot #john b routledge #pope heyward #kiara carrera #sarah cameron

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ushiwakaout · 4 years ago

Text

Valentine’s Day with the Haikyuu Boys

Various x Female Reader || Different Lover Tropes (sfw)

Iwaizumi Hajime (Friends to Lover Trope)

Y’all have been friends for as long as him and oikawa have been friends- but just a little more distant

You’re the person he goes to when he has girl problems or problems in general

So when he isn’t feeling particularly well about himself he goes to you.

He lays his head on your chest, your shoulder, your lap (usually 99% always your plush thighs)

He makes you play with his hair and his hands when he’s feeling sad because you care for him like no one else has (well, his mother but you know what I mean.)

But tell me why y’all haven’t dated. No one fucking knows. Not even oikawa.

So a few days before V-day you ask Iwa if he was a valentines and he says No and questions why you asked him.

You tell him not to worry and plan out everything

HE’S SO SO EMBARRASSED WHEN YOU BRING HIM A SINGLE WHITE ROSE A HOMEMADE CHOCOLATES

He’s like? “W-why? Why’d you do that?”

and you obviously have the tsundure qualities he has so your like “B-because i like you stupid!!! Now are you taking the damn gift or not? I know Oikawa would-”

He’s like- NO NO. Stop right there. “Give me that! SHITYKAWA WOULDNT APPRECIATE THIS THE WAY I WOULD!” Iwa is barking at this point

You: “FINE! THEN! TAKE IT- NOT LIKE I CARE!”

whole school it just watching you guys romantically bark at eachother

Iwa: “FINE! THIS MEANS WE’RE DATING, RIGHT?”

You: “YES.”

Iwa: “GOOD.”

You: “GREAT.”

it’s so awkward the whole day. like grossly awkward. but the tension dies down when you sit next to him during lunch and slowly caress the back of his hand the way you did when you weren’t dating

he’s glad you opened up to him because it would have taken him much longer to admit that he liked you

Time Skip Iwaizum Hajime

Buys you a bouquet of 23 white roses the day before valentine’s day to give you the twenty-fourth on valentine’s day. He does this every year now.

You guys invite friends over because as (almost) 30 years old you think it’s a little cheesy, Hajime acts like its Valentines Day every day. So when Matsukawa and Hanamaki come over, they get really drunk and they appreciate you guys for not being lovey dovey around them and they start sobbing and laughing bc they’re single.

This becomes a tradition but ofc, sometime iwa calls ahead of time to tell them not to come over for... certain reasons.

He’s probably the cheesiest man on earth because he does not romance well- neither do you but he tries his best.

Would probably ask you to marry him on valentines day if you hadn’t told him before hand “If you even think about proposing on valentines day- I will rip out your organs... Ugh- thats so cheesy, everyone gets engaged on valentines day... Do it like the morning after new years or sum...”

*iwa secretly putting a red velvet box back in his underwear drawer*

*laughing nerveously* “Hahaha, right- fucking stupid...”

You look at him blankly “Don’t tell me you where about to propose?”

Iwa: “NO! NOT AT ALL.”

You: “What are you hiding in your underwear drawer then, Hajime?”

Iwa: “NOTHING WOMAN, STOP BEING NOSY.”

Osamu Miya (Platonic)

You look so pretty when you come into the gym and everyones like “looking good y/n.” and it’s normal bc your their manager- ofc they’d hype you up.

But the closer they get, they notice your crying.

Osamu isn’t in the gym, he’s getting water in the back and he sees that Aran is holding you in his arms and he just knows something is wrong and everyone is trying to hold him back because he knowns exactly what happened. He’s calling Atsumu over and he’s ready.

Everyone is chasing them down and Osamu already has his guy pinned to the floor (lets just say he has baseball practice)

You’re rushing to get Osamu off but get gets a few swings in before you completely pull him off.

Samu: “You’re too good for this Idiot anyway.” he looks at Kita, “I’m ditching practice and I’m taking her out, I’m not taking no as an answer.”

It was the first time anyone has stood up to Kita and he just nods.

Samu: “Let me wash up, alright? I’ll take you somewhere nice.”

He kisses your forehead and runs your thumb on your cheek, “Stop crying, makes you look ugly.”

As much you wanted to frown, you bursted out a laugh before shoving him away, “Not as ugly as Atsumu.”

Time Skip Osamu Miya (Boss/Employee Trope)

Osamu calls you really early in the morning to ask you to work on valentines day. For some reason, he hates this day more than anything. He doesn’t like how girls (of all ages) bring him stuff and he ALWAYS has to reject them but now since your working you’re the the ones who kicks them out.

He loves watching you run them away with a sweet smile and when you turn around you have the most annoyed look on your face, it’s really cute.

Samu: “Thank you princess.”

You: “Yeah, shut up and get to cookin’ boss.”

He just smirks and tilts his little onigiri hat and starts on orders again

Once the shift is over and the restaurant is closed, cleaned and organized, you’re waiting for him at one of the tables you didn’t pick up yet and he brings you out a really cute meal.

You: “What’s this for?”

Samu: “A thank you, for- *clears throat* not leaving my side... and I-uh don’t want you to do so, any time soon.”

You’re looking at him blankly. He forgot how blunt he had to be with you.

Samu: “I- God, I’m trying to ask you to be my girlfriend.”

You: “OH! Oh my god.... Really? Are you sure?”

Samu: “Y/n, I- You’re lucky I love you....”

You: “L-Love me?”

He looks at you like a deer caught in the headlights... “Uh-I uh... crap- I didn’t mean-”

You: “Shut up and kiss you Idiot.”

Samu: “Okay- yeah good idea.”

Matsukawa Issei (Best Friends Older Sister || First Love Trope) @sloppykyuu

You’re only two years older than him but ever since he became friends with Hanamaki (around the age of 7) he came over once and you bumped into him and he blushed to the point he looked like a cherry tomato

Maki thought it was gross that he suddenly started liking his older step sister

You and Hanamaki get along really well now (You’re 18, making Maki and Matsun are 16), so whenever Matsukawa is around you jokingly called him “Nii-san.” When Hanamaki wasn’t there and he spit out his drink.

You laughed so hard and just ruffled his hair a little and left him alone for the rest of the day

Ofc you teased him a lot but the second you turned 18, they cooled down a lot.

So when he gives you a bouquet of Sakurasou (Primula Sieboldii, which signify desire and long lasting love.

Matsukawa: “ Please accept the flowers- I know you’ve been keeping your distance because of your age and you don’t have to accept my feelings for you but please accept these flowers.”

The sweetest boy you’ll ever meet ngl, “Thank you Matsun...” you gave him a kiss on the cheek and ruffled his hair. “As me again when you’re older, yeah? I’ll always be willing to give you a chance.”

Timeskip Matsukawa Issei

When he turns 18, you weren’t single. He was so miserable watching you be happy but when you come home a little sad looking, Hanamaki and him are pretty confused when you tell them that YOU broke up with your boyfriend

Maki: “Everything was going alright with you guys- what happened?”

You: “I uh- I lost feelings... Nothing against him or anything, I just... just happen to like someone else now.”

You don’t look at Matsukawa so he’s like- ugh.... another guy? he’s heartbroken just a little.

3 years later when both of you got drunk when Maki was out for a valentines day date- Matsun was like, “Admit it already, you’ll never find a guy who dedicates to you the way I have.”

You’re a blushing mess since your drunk and you just pin him to the floor, a little teary eyed, “Maybe your right... Maybe I should give you your chance. You’re still so in love with me? After all this time?”

He brushes a strand of hair away from your face and smiles, “Of course I have... You I would have lasted being friends with Maki if it weren’t for you?”

Maki: “I HEARD THAT!”

Both of you laugh but you lay your body on him as he wrapped his arms around you, kissing your forehead as your step brother grimaced at the sight. “Took both of you long enough, disgusting...”

Ushijima Wakatoshi (Reunion Romance Trope)

You’ve known Ushijima the longest out of everyone, even Tendo. And every year you ask him to be your valentines and he agrees bc your friends.

From the start it was always a friendly thing but at some point, your feelings for him changed during high school.

You don’t tell him, you never dared because you know his dedication towards volleyball would always go before his feelings.

One day you’re down the hall from his class and you notice that he’s talking to a girl- or more the girl is talking to him, so you hide in the corner. She was offering him a box of chocolates but he politely denies by saying “There’s only one girl who’s allowed to be my valentines, but please don’t take this personally, she mean’s everything to me.”

D-did you just here that right? Your leaning against the wall and sliding your back all the way to the floor, blushing like a mad woman.

So when Ushijima walks down the hall and sees a small figure to his side, he’s really worried as to why you are on the floor looking hot. “Y/n? Are you alright? Do you have a fever?”

THIS MAN DOES NOT PUT HIS HAND ON YOUR FOREHEAD BUT HE PUTS HIS OWN AGAINST YOURS

You’re trying so heard not to breathe onto his face but then he looks into your eyes when hes doing this and you shove his gift onto his chest. “PLEASE GET OUT OF MY FACE AND J-JUST TAKE THEM, IM FINE...” His warm fingers graze your for a second when he takes the chocolates and you just can’t do it anymore “I N-NEED TO GO NOW, BYE TOSHI- WAKATOSHI.”

Doesn’t question you, like ever.

During graduation you tell everyone that you are leaving over seas and Toshi honestly looks like a kicked puppy- his best friends, they’re all leaving.

You’re crying into his arms when he’s dropping you off at the airport.

Timeskip Ushijima Wakatoshi

7 years. It’s been 7 years since wakatoshi has see your pretty face.

You send a valentines post card and somehow it always gets there a day before, the day after or sometimes- even on valentines day.

You forced him to give you his address when he moves every time bc you send him a basket of goods. Usually a fruit arrangements bc you know he has a sweet tooth for fruits covered in chocolate- even tho he doesn’t really understand them

But this year nothing has arrived yet, until you text him to open the door since something was dropped off.

He’s a little confused as to why you noticed him but he opened the door, and there you where- standing right in front of him with luggage and his yearly valentines gift.

“You’re looking at me like you’ve seen a ghost?”

He doesn’t say anything but pull you into a hug.

“...I missed you too big guy.”

After several, long virtual calls- he finally got to see you in person.

He pulls you back and looks a little upset.

You: “What? What’d I do?”

Toshi: “I might have sent flowers to your home.”

You low key wanna start crying, “What kind of flowers?”

WHYD YOU ASK THAT, HE LOOKS ALL FLUSTERED NOW, PLZ TELL HIM THAT YOU DON’T NEED TO KNOW

Toshi: “Um.... anarrangementoftwentyfourwhiterosesbecauseiwantedtotellyouhowifeltbutididntknowhowtodoitanyotherwayandididntwanttodoitthroughacomputerscreen.”

You: “I hope you know, I understood every single word you just said.”

You give him a soft smile and lean down to pick something up that was covered by your bags. A bouquet of 24 white roses.

You: “I think... I feel the same way.”

He has never wanted to kiss someone so bad.

Toshi:“May I kiss you?”

You: “Do you really have to ask?”

Sakusa Kiyoomi (Enemies To Lovers || Secret Admirer Trope)

You probably get 20 confessions on valentines day every year, every time it’s the same handwriting and sometimes it’s new.

But one day, a specific letter get’s into your desk instead of your locker, a black envelope with a white pearly wax stamp with silver lettering on the back “From your secret admirer :]”

The smiley face is a little distorted and you smile at it, but it turns into a scowl when Sakusa naps it from your fingertips. Luckily it was lunch and not may people where in this class. “Secret admirer? Who’d like your dumbass.”

You pull the note out of his hands and sit back down, “Maybe a bigger dumbass, now leave alone asshole.”

He rolls his eyes and sits on his desk, that just happens to be at your back left.

He noticed the smile you had on your lips when you sat back down and looked at the letter. He could tell that your mood had changed when you leaned back and read the letter with awe. He obviously couldn’t tell you in was him.

If he did, you’d probably think it was a joke. But it was nothing like that, he never meant to create an awful relationship between you to but he had made a nasty joke about you and you happen to overhear and have disliked him every since.

He’s kept the bully act ever since and now doesn’t know how to go back.

You looked giddy all day after reading the love letter he left for you, he didn’t know how to feel.

He never stopped sending the letters.

Around the third year, they began to stop and so did Sakusas bullying- but only because you didn’t have any classes together. So when one day you’re walking towards your locker, really late because you had to clean up the classroom. You see him slide a letter in your locker.

You don’t confront him right then and there but you decide to let him walk a way just a little before you quickly get to your locker and open the letter.

You scan over the letter and you see that famous distorted smiley face and all the feelings they had written down. You where furious.

“Hey Sakusa!” You somehow where able to catch up to him and pushed his back as he walked away. “Is this funny to you?! Is messing with people’s feelings fucking funny to you?”

When he turned around he didn’t expect to see you crying, so he just stood like a deer caught in the headlights.

“Answer me! Why’d you do this? Three years, three fucking years I thought this was someone who actually had feelings for me, someone I thought I could fall in love with myself but I guess this was just some joke right? Some prank? Who wrote these? You know what- It doesn’t even matter. Fuck you and your fucking letter.” You shoved the letter at his chest and push him in the process.

He freezes a little but he’s running to catch up with you, “Y/n! Y/n stop walking away. L-Let me explain. Y/N!” He’s able to snatch your wrist and pull you towards him.

The tears are still running down your cheeks and his heart is shattering. “It wasn’t a joke. It- it was never a joke, never a dare. I promise, every word in those letters, are what I truly feel.”

You: “Bull- How do I even know that you wrote them in the first place, you can just be the messenger.”

Oomi: “If you put every letter together, it spells my name.”

You roll your eyes at him.

Oomi: “Don’t believe me?

You: “Of course I don’t.”

“Fine, umm.....”

Both of you didn’t really notice how his hand was still wrapped around your wrist. “Every time I just happen to catch a glance at you when you aren’t looking, it seems like peace on earth... There is no other sight i’d rather see then to see you smile at me, at me only. I want you to look at me the way you look at them but I know in my heart that it will take years for you to look at me that way.”

You pull your wrist away from his hand and wipe your face clean from the tear that have dried down.

“The day you heard me make fun of you... I don’t have any excuses for it. I did it and I regret it and- and I’m so sorry.”

You shake your head and begin to laugh... “I don’t even want to believe you.”

“I know, I just please let me make it up to you.”

Timeskip Sakusa Kiyoomi

You: “Oomi, I thought you hated valentines day.”

Oomi: “I do, but you deserve flowers because I was an asshole for so long.”

You: “... that was like 8 years ago...”

Oomi “Your point?

He hands you over the flowers and gives you a soft kiss. “You deserve so much more, and every day I will give you more, understand?”

You begin to giggle mid kiss, “Yes sir.”

Oomi: “Do you still have those letters?”

You: “Of course, I read them every time your gone.”

A/N: THIS TOOK ALL DAY- I WORK TOMORROW BUT I MIGHT WRITE SOMETHING UP BC IVE BEEN OBSESSED W NANAMI LATELY

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unbridgeabledistances · 4 years ago

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hi<3 okay i am finally writing the new kotss chapter, and once again here is a lil contemplative snippet of tumblr-drabble length as a preview for when i write the whole thing in a day or two!😌💜 (mostly bc i am feeling sleepy and sappy this morning about mickey’s growth and just. cannot get over it.)

hope u enjoy<3

He fucking loved the dog, okay?

When they were first waiting in that overly-bright room in the dog rescue center (or whatever the fuck it was called) with Ian sitting cross-legged on the floor in front of him, and Mickey had seen the bundle of fur with its paws hitting the ground, a scrawny puppy with a swollen belly and a protruding ribcage— he’d immediately known he was in trouble.

First, because there was no fucking way that Ian was going to let them leave this place without it, since he practically made heart-eyes the second the puppy stumbled its way over to him— and second, because Mickey was absolutely, totally sure that he was going to fuck this up. Even reading the fucking description on the website on Ian’s phone screen, “comes from a troubled past and needs a loving home,” made something twist in his gut— because how the fuck was Mickey supposed to provide something like that?

Mickey didn’t take care of shit like this, like fragile puppies or babies or anything he could mess up— and he especially didn’t let in anything more than he could handle losing, anything soft and helpless and innocent that he couldn’t let slip between his fingers on his own accord. He’d learned that shit early, when whatever whispers and soft traces of touches on his cheeks were ripped away by the pry of Terry’s calloused hands— when one day, when he was fifteen, he and Mandy and everyone else didn’t have a mom anymore. Losing his mom, losing his family after years on the road, even losing fucking Terry those now months ago; all of that shit compounded and pressed on the walls of his ribcage in a way that Mickey himself didn’t really understand, and apparently was oozing out of him in a fucking dog shelter as he stood there frozen, in the face of a helpless frame on wobbly legs with silky grey fur.

For some reason, even though he and Ian had been talking about the dog in the abstract for days now, something about seeing the dog scared him shitless— because taking care of shit was objectively scary, and Mickey was shit out of practice with it. He’d never been good, comfortable, at holding something fragile in his hands, something that he could mess up in a second with a slip of judgement. Mickey was great at getting shit done, but with something like this— well, honestly, he wasn’t sure if he trusted himself enough, to not make those split-second choices that Terry made, the ones that left cigarette burns on his sides and snapped his jaw out of place and left him with so many aching wounds that only became more dark and cavernous through the years.

I’m gonna fuck this up.

What if he got too mad and kicked the dog, what if he fed it the wrong shit and it withered away and became more frail than it already was, what if it ran away or got hit by a car or got fucking shot by a stray bullet in a shitty neighborhood? It felt scary to choose to care about something this fragile, to sign up for the loss and the ripping ache that would follow if Mickey overreacted or fucked something up or made a slip-second misstep. In the Milkovich family, loving was a liability— a promise that someone you cared about could get pummeled and bloodied and beaten in front of you, could get handcuffed and dragged upstate for months or years in the blink of an eye. When Mickey was fifteen, scratching “FUCK LOVE” and “STAY THE FUCK OUT” signs on pieces of cardboard with Sharpies he’d stolen from the dollar store, he’d made a promise to himself to harden himself against that weakness— against that loss.

And then, of course, freckle-faced chicken-legged Ian Gallagher showed up at his doorstep anyways.

So he’d let himself love Gallagher—and eventually he’d let himself love Franny after she plopped herself in his lap one day, wearing a princess tiara talking a mile a minute about monster trucks; and he didn’t even mind hanging out with Liam once in a while on those late nights in the Gallagher house, when Ian would be working a double shift and he and Liam flopped on opposite sides of the couch, watching shitty cartoons in a comfortable silence as the glow from the TV screen flickered on their faces.

But none of that felt like a choice—all of those people, those warm bodies to love, just fell into Mickey’s lap; so it wasn’t Mickey’s fault, really, if shit hit the fan. It wasn’t like he made the choice to love them in the first place— it just happened.

But adopting a dog (or having a fucking kid, like he knew Ian wanted)— that was a choice. That was telling something, someone, that you were ready to take care of them; that you were ready to lose everything when they inevitably got taken away, that you were ready to pour all of your fucked-up bullshit into someone and hope that you weren’t the reason why they turned out screwed up. It just seemed like too much; and in the face of the tiny fucking furball that Ian was cooing over as he sat cross-legged, Mickey’s immediate impulse was to keep his distance and tether himself into the linoleum floor miles away.

But of course Ian had done that fucking thing only he had the power to do, and melted whatever iron walls Mickey had soldered into place with a gentle Mick, d’you wanna pet her?— and of course the fucking dog had to nuzzle her goddamn tiny wet nose into Mickey’s hand, and give a too-trusting lick to his palm as she rolled over onto her back, exposing her vulnerable belly even after whatever fucking dog-fight bullshit she’d been through— and immediately Mickey couldn’t couldn’t see a timeline in which they didn’t wrap this fucking mutt up in a soft towel and take her home to the dog bed in their apartment and get her healthy on gourmet fucking dog food from a monogrammed tin bowl.

So even though it drove him fucking crazy that she was so fucking skinny, and the entire first night when she’d slept curled on the bed he kept waking up and googling the best dog foods and exercise regimens and refilling her water bowl at the kitchen sink like an obsessed fucking maniac— he really couldn’t help it.

Against every instinct, he’d chosen to love when he didn’t have to— and he was starting the realize that maybe that shit wasn’t a weakness.

“So, I hear you guys’ve got a new mascot.”

Tommy was ambling in the front door, right on the dot of their 2 P.M. opening time, with Kermit skittishly following a few paces behind him.

Ian rolled his eyes from behind the bar when he thought Mickey wasn’t looking (fucking traitor).

“Yeah, I think the whole neighborhood knows by now. Someone’s been a little too eager with the dog photos.”

Which— fuck that. So what if he fucking posted a few pictures of Baz to the mostly-defunct Alibi Facebook page that Kev had given them the login info to, some of which featured Baz wearing Mickey’s sunglasses when they were partway through a walk? Nobody needed to know that Mickey alone was behind that shit— Ian liked taking dog photos too, even though they were never as good as Mickey’s, and mostly just featured the moments Mickey was passed out on the couch with Baz sleeping on his chest.

“The fuck is that supposed to mean?”

Ian grinned and turned towards Mickey. “Nothin.’ Just nice to see that you’re growing into the whole dog parent thing. Though it is kind of turning into a stage mom thing.”

Mickey furrowed his brows. “Fuck you. The customers love her. It’s good for business.”

Ian held up his hands in surrender, still smirking—which just cause Mickey to shove him gently in his sternum.

“It’s not my fault Baz is the prettiest pit on the fucking Southside.”

In the corner of the bar, Baz was sitting on her cushion that they’d bought at a boujee pet store down the road, to keep downstairs at the Alibi so they could keep her other dog bed upstairs— and when Tommy and Kermit came into the room her ears immediately lifted, her tail twitching excitedly at the new faces. Tommy just gave a wary side-eyed glance to the dog pillow before plopping himself onto his usual stool, but Kermit nervously crouched beside the cushion and gave Baz’s chin a scratch.

“Ey! Paws off the princess until you drop some money on a beer, Kermit. I didn’t haul myself down to the empty bar on a Monday afternoon to watch you pet my fucking dog.”

Kermit shuffled to his usual seat beside Tommy at the end of the bar. “She’s cute. I didn’t realize pit bulls could be so scrawny.”

Baz was already filling out fast in the few days she’d been living with them; but it was true that she was still small and wiry for her age. Mickey made sure they got some sort of fresh dog food shit from the pet store that they had to keep in the refrigerator (even though Ian insisted kibble was fine, like a fucking cheapskate) to get her strength up, and he also got a bunch of fucking vitamins, like salmon oil and shit to make sure her coat was shiny—and yes, okay, maybe he also bought her a badass collar with spikes on it, and maybe he also dropped money on one of those engraved pet tags in the shape of a skull and crossbones that said “Bazooka Gallagher-Milkovich” on it with the Alibi’s address on it. He couldn’t fucking help it; they had a steady stream of cash coming in from crowded nights, they were planning on doing Ian’s karaoke shit once a month, and Mickey felt like they could afford to spend money on shit like this—like they could afford to do this right. And because of Mickey’s doting, even though Ian had started to take Baz for runs in the morning, it was no secret that she liked Mickey ever-so-slightly more than Ian; when they were laying in bed at night Baz would always hop up and curl into Mickey’s side and leave inches between her and Ian, causing a surprised chuckle to escape Mickey’s lips the first time it happened as he scratched behind her ears. Ian just stared at him, with some sappy fucking smile on his face.

“The fuck’re you looking at?”

“Nothing. Just glad we took her home.”

Mickey rolled his eyes, but felt a smile creeping onto his lips despite himself. “Yeah. Me too.”

“And I’m definitely not jealous of a dog right now.”

It was later in the evening and the bar was pretty empty, a standard for a Monday night— Mickey had been trying to train Baz to stay on her cushion now that she’d learned how to sit and lay down on command; much to the amusement of Tommy and Kermit, who kept fucking distracting her. If Mickey had his way, he’d train Baz to bark at Kermit whenever he said something stupid (the guy just got on his fucking nerves, what could he say)—but of course Baz had other plans once she realized Kermit was the one of the pair who would pet her, and kept nuzzling her head onto Kermit’s thigh and thumping her tail on the floor.

“I thought pit bulls were supposed to be vicious.”

“Fuck you, Kermit. That’s fucking… dog racist, or some shit.”

Kermit just meekly looked down at his half-empty beer glass, as Ian came in the front door from where he was bringing in the sandwich board from the curb, not expecting any more customers for the night. He reached down to ruffle Baz’s fur along the way.

“How’s our girl doing?”

“Pretty good. Once these assholes get out of here we can called it a night.”

Tommy scoffed at that. “Milkovich, we’re some of your most loyal customers— hell, we’re your only loyal customers. I think we deserve more than insults.”

“Oh yeah? You gonna go drink the day away somewhere else?”

Tommy faltered for a moment, and raised an eyebrow. “Touche.”

“Alright, bozos. Time to pack up. No one else is coming in tonight, we’ll see you tomorrow. Me and Ian have better shit to do.”

Tommy drained the last of his beer, placing a wad of one-dollar bills on the countertop and giving an exaggerated salute. “Until tomorrow, gentlemen.”

When they left the bar and the doors were locked, Ian’s shoulders started to shake with laughter. “Jesus. I never thought I’d be at a point in my life when I’m dependent on the consistent generosity of Tommy and Kermit, but here I am.”

“More like consistent alcoholism.”

Ian smirked, then flopped to sit on a barstool opposite the countertop from Mickey, scrubbing a hand over his face. “Are you fine taking Baz out? I’m kinda tired, wanna get a start on dinner.”

“Yeah, man. Works for me.”

They’d been living with each other in the Gallagher house for months, sure, but they were still new at doing this— at only accounting for each other’s schedules, at divvying up tasks like walking the dog and cooking dinner and doing fucking dishes rather than just coasting on someone like Debbie getting them by. Things were different now— things were settled and quiet, in a way that still made Mickey like he had to rub his eyes extra hard to clear them in the still, dark mornings in the apartment, like he wasn’t convinced this shit was real.

After dinner they sat cross-legged on their bed, watching a movie on Ian’s old beat-up laptop with Baz sitting between them and chewing on one of her toys that squeaked loudly every few seconds (this one was a stuffed animal in the shape of a police officer, because in Mickey’s own words at the pet store, “ACAB motherfucker”)— and later that night, wrapped in the smell of laundry soap on clean sheets and dog shampoo, Mickey slept easily.

Maybe this was something he could trust himself to hold on to.

#catch me laying in bed & ignoring my exams & instead writing This #ily all i hope u are having good thursdays<3 #gallavich #gallavich fic #shameless #shameless fic #bazooka gallagher milkovich #ian gallagher #mickey milkovich #ian x mickey #ixm

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mojwisungie · 4 years ago

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imgn | Restart (enemy to lover! jisung)

req (from: anon) ➥ : hi, i really like your writings and! if its ok, can i request a jisung x reader enemies to lovers headcannon? jisung is always teasing and trying to beat the reader at everything and one day he was teasing her and she had enough of it that shouted at him and cried infront of alot of students, and this shocks everybody since the reader is always calm and soft spoken:( the ending can be up to you!💚

☄︎ with: park jisung ☄︎ lou.note: omg. i did not intend to write so much for this like idk i got carried away and i think its too long 😶 added the bonus part for context lol enjoy !!

your life is pretty sweet

honestly, you dont think of changing any aspect of it

youre good in school too

you have decent grades, great friends

but there is one thing that bothers you often

actually, one person

and its park jisung

and its not that you arent nice or something, bc everyone practically treats you as a friend actually

and you dont hate him, bc thats such a strong word

but you dont exactly like him either

he pushes all your buttons

and usually you’d laugh it off

youre used to joking around with people and youre not that sensitive

but jisung... man does that boy have the a u d a c i t y

you havent talked to him even once before he teased you for having a lower grade than him

so when he did that, you only smiled since it really wasnt that much of an insult to you

but then it got more frequent

he would often poke at you for doing the most basic things

you get a score a point lower than his again? you’ll hear his snarky remark about it the second he knows about it

you got elected as an officer in the class? of course he’ll say youre such a darling

you dropped a pen? there will be a quiet under-the-breath “clumsy” as soon as you pick it up

he also has this weird habit of scoffing whenever you outdo him

bc he scoffed when you perfected that presentation in dance class AND when you also got a higher grade than him on another

all these mockery is always rewarded by only an eye roll for you

since causing a scene isnt like you so you often

and somehow in some way, you hope he’ll back off

but one particular day, you were really having not such a good time

you were almost late bc you almost forgot your due project

which caused you to walk back to your house and also caused you to miss the bus so you had to walk

the moment you enter the class, jisung’s eyes is already on you

you actually prayed for him to shut it bc you’d usually hear something from him the moment you step in the class

you thought you were safe

but when you sat on your seat, he said, “you look worse today y/n, and thats not nice bc you look awful everyday, dont you thi-”

you startle him as you loudly tell him to shut up

followed with “i dont know what ive done for you to make fun of me everyday, cant you just leave me alone?!”

you didnt know you were crying until one tear fell on your cheek

some of your friends tried to help calm you down immediately and ask if you were okay, while some tried to confront jisung if he has any problem with you

he couldnt answer them he’s so shocked to see you cry

before he could apologize, your teacher enters the class prompting you to wipe the tears away and tell your friends that youre fine

from the way that you look, everyone knows you arent but lets you be as the class starts

the day goes by surprisingly well for you after that

what you didnt know was everyone was trying to not let jisung get close to you bc he might make you cry again

but jisung feels so guilty :( he wants to say sorry before this day ends

or else it might be too late for him to tell you the truth

so at dismissal, he waits for you by the gates bc he knows you stay in the library for a few before going home

on your way out, he tries to stop you and says

“hi y/n, uhm, i-im sorry for today, i didnt know you were going to cry.. actually i didnt know i was going too far with the teasi-”

you cut him off saying “oh uhm, its fine. dont worry about it. i know you dont like me so-”

“what? no, its not that i dont like you! i actually- uh- i mean-”

you dont really know whats he’s pointing so you wait for him to find the right words to tell you

a few more seconds pass and he goes

“i dont dont like you... i actually like you. its just someone told me that maybe if i tease you, we’d grow close and it was partially true because you'd only notice me when i do so.”

he continues with “i know it’s too much for me to ask since ive hurt you, and im really sorry for doing that but i hope you could give me a chance. i hope we could...restart?”

seeing the incomprehensible look (for jisung) on your face, he stutters with saying how its totally fine if you dont want to and he’d be okay to distance himself from you

but you answer him with

“sure. i’d love to restart with you.”

and from then on, it would only be love from him to you

bonus:

you know who actually told jisung to tease his crush?

chenle. he’s his bestfriend who told him to do it so he’ll have a chance with you

the moment he heads home, he doesnt go to his house, he goes marching to chenle’s

he greets his friend with a punch on the arm

chenle shouts in pain and asks “what the hell is that for?!”

so jisung answers him “your dumb plan made them cry! and i had to say sorry and tell them how i really feel about them all in one day”

and chenle bites back with “you mean my smart idea made you confess and have a chance with her? youre welcome”

they talk about what happened for a while until jisung asks him if knows what good gift he should give you

so expect to receive a cute (and kinda expensive) necklace the next day lol

also expect for more adorable gifts and heart-melting moments as you and jisung get together for the years that’ll come

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fyodorsslut · 4 years ago

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Before you go - Dabi

REQUEST : If you write for dabi, it would be highly appreciated if you could I write some angst to fluff for him and his fem s/o who starts fighting with him out of fear he’ll lose his life if he can’t stop being reckless. He starts coming home later than usual, sometimes not even at all and she feels like he’s slowly slipping away from her. She knows he’s part of the league but Dabi has made it clear he doesn’t want her getting involved out of fear she’ll become a target. I also love you so heheheh here’s my requests bc ur a real one 😎❤️

A/n :TYY!! ILY!! I hope you like it! sorry t’s late, tumblr kept on deleting it. Also they lyrics in bold are from my own song so please don’t steal them <3

Genre : Angst

Pairings : Dabi x fem!reader

Keys : y/h/c : your hair color -- y/h/l : your hair length

Play : before you go - Lewis Capaldi

word count : 1k

A loud, desperate gasp escaped her throat, eyes gagging tears as the girl sits upright. Running hands through her y/h/c hair, she silently sobs.

Then it hits her.

“D-DABI?!” she turns to the side frantically, gripping the gray sheets and pulling them off the shirtless male’s body.

“Ugh,” he groans, rolling to lay on his back. “It’s cold~ can you please give me-” yawning, he rubs his eyelids- “back the cover?”

Before he gets to least as grab it from her fingers, he notices the terrified look on his girlfriend’s face.

“Babe-? Are you o-” But she cuts him off once more, wrapping two strong arms around his neck.

Sobbing into the purple nape of his neck, y/n continuously shook her head no. Dabi was clueless of what to do to make her feel better, seeing that he was also ignorant as of what the reason she was sobbing hysterically was.

“P-please don’t leave” she sighed, loud enough for only him to hear. Before he was able to let relief wash over him because she stopped crying, she went into another, much worse, round of sobs.

____________

“Baby please don’t leave, stay by my side here”

___________

“Fuck-!!” y/n threw the phone across the room harshly, the black device colliding into the white wall of the room she shares with her absent boyfriend, probably gaining a couple new cracks on its screen. “Where is he?”

Y/n ran her hands through her y/h/l hair once more, in desperate frustration. It’s been three days since she has last heard from her villain boyfriend, and she could only imagine all the horrible things that could have happened to him, considering the risky nature of his job.

“I can’t live like this anymore,” she whispered to herself and to the walls if they could hear. She crawls into the bed as would a baby, remembering all the times she would crawl on top of him before he joined the league, probably ending up either sleeping on his chest or doing things Jesus wouldn’t take much pride in.

She, scared for his life, doesn’t know if she’ll ever see him again. All she is able to do is hope so.

__________

“Everyday now I’ve been missing you, needing you, wanting you”

_________

“Where are you going?”

“Y-y/n,” he turns around from the open door, startled but also careful as to keep from showing how he was obviously just jump scared by his girlfriend.

“Dabi,” She insists. “Where are you going at a time like this?”

“I have business to attend,” He declares, clearing his throat awkwardly.

“Business?” she echoed; voice small. She was barely in his sight range but still the pained confusion was crystal clear on whatever he could make out of her features.

“What you heard,” Nonchalantly, he confirms.

“Why didn’t you tell me earlier-? I could have-”

“Because you’d make a big fuss about it,” Cutting her off, it’s his turn to take a single long stride towards her, closing the distance between them and towering above her (sorry if you’re taller than him-!) “Just like you’re doing now.”

Y/n was much drawn aback. Make a big fuss? Since when is caring about her boyfriend considered a big fuss?

“Dabi- let me at least come with you- please?”

“Y/n,” He grumbles under his breath, low but the non-existing distance between them made it easy for her to hear it along with the annoyance in his voice, to see the drop in his features as he ran long fingers across a rough face of piercings and burnt skin. “We’ve been over this a long time ago-! I can’t have pu be in a place where a target is-”

“I don’t fucking care, Dabi-! I just want to damn protect you and you know that damn well! I just want to be there for you when you need me! Because.. Because..” her voice dies down, tongue unable to form words. She was cold, not from the breeze in the air at this time of the year but from the unforgiving fear in her heart. She was sad, not because she’s once again fighting with her lover over the same topic that shouldn’t be even up for discussion, but because she knows that if this goes on, if he dies like he might do, she won’t be there for him and guilt won’t leave her until the end of her days.

“Why?! Y/n, why do you have to be so damn stubborn! Always make it so hard on both of us?! Why do you have to insist on changing things that were set from day one?! We are fine just how we are! Why is it so fucking hard for you to understand that I can take damn well care of my-”

“BECAUSE I LOVE YOU!” She finally admits, tears streaming down her face as all the times he died in front of her in her sleep rush across her vision. He was lying, they weren’t fine. Nothing was when his life is at risk everyday of his life. She wasn’t okay with it. He wasn’t either.

Her sudden confession sent him aback, unable to form either words or thoughts as her shout sings in his head on loop. The only thing he was able to keep steady was the crack-ful facade he always keeps on in front of everyone but her, or so he thought. It’s only now he noticed how much he wanted to stay.

He knows he can’t, never the less.

“Then stop loving me,” he sighed, sounding final. He would’ve said ‘I love you’ back but he knows this isn’t the time. His feelings.. This wasn’t the place to put them out, no matter how much he wanted to.

“W-what-?” She whimpers, shakily looking up at him; face red, a miss, sad and scared and shocked and all other feelings there is to this. Tear tracks spattered across it even though she didn’t cry for long. Eyes not only shaken but so wide in shock they could be replaced by tennis balls.

Dabi doesn’t answer, he only closes the door on his way out.

#Dabi x reader #Dabi angst #Dabi imagines #Touya x reader #dabi x y/n #bnha imagines #imagine that shit #submission

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felassan · 3 years ago

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Gamers For Groceries 2 event

A Twitch stream event from a few days ago. It can currently be re-watched here (it was fun & interesting, so I do recommend to check it out direct). This post contains some notes on things of particular interest & relevant timestamps, in case this is useful to anyone (for example bc of accessibility reasons).

First up is the All About Animating panel, a series of mini-interviews with game devs (animators) asking what they do, how they got there, and advice for anyone interested in getting into the industry. Some or all of the devs that were interviewed are currently working on DA4. They talked a bit about their day-to-day work and a lot about the craft of game dev animation in general. This segment runs from timestamp ~38 mins 40 secs to 1:07:50. Some notes:

[sounded like DA4] Right now the creature team are working on different creatures in a way which involves going through a lot of mocap data

At BioWare they have a pretty big technical animation team, to support their animators, so each tech animator has a different specialty. Tech anim involves animation support, character art support, and rigging the characters so that the animators can pose them

[not sure if re: DA4 work specifically, another project or a general comment on the craft] One of the featured animators’ area of specialty at the moment is faces and hair (building the control structure for face animations). First they had to decide how the face rig and its control structure would work. This involves a lot of performance capture of live actors for things like cinematics and gameplay animation, therefore the rigs for bodies and faces have to be able to accurately capture the full range of expressions and emotions that the actor is portraying. Right now the stage that this dev is working on most is setting up the heads that they’re getting through the pipeline from character art e.g. making adjustments based on feedback from the cinematics team. “Polish - just trying to get realism”

Hair tech has come quite a long way in the last few years [in the industry]

[not sure if re: DA4 work specifically, another project or a general comment on the craft] Hair is very complex to get right. “In the past most games have used card-based hair, which is basically like sheets of polygons with a texture on it that looks like hair, through layers of transparency. But real hair is strand-based, digital strands, so we’re starting to look into that kind of tech - try to get more realistic, more beautiful hair, but there’s always a performance cost to hair. Layers of transparent things are always an expense, they need to balance like, it looks good and moves well, but it doesn’t make your computer or console chug. [...] I guess we’re in the prototype stage but we’ve almost got a set pipeline. It’s always fun to experiment”

In Mass Effect 2 or 3, Miranda’s hair was as expensive as a whole character (!)

[on balancing hair costs/performance, general] It depends on things like character importance and how many characters are on-screen at the time. When you’re in gameplay fighting a bunch of monsters you’re not going to be giving full beautiful hair to all the characters and the monsters, as it will cost too much. (Having a helmet on is a convenient way to get rid of hair.) But if it’s a cinematic scene, with 2 characters talking to each other in a dramatic context, there’s a better budget for nice hair allocated

Some of the hair in Anthem was quite expensive in cinematics. They kept getting bugs from QA saying (for example) that a character’s hair was tripling the performance cost in the scene, so it would go back to character art so they could take away some of the hair cards. “Tough balance, quality versus cost”

“I wish all the characters could have beautiful strand hair”

For p-cap, a lot of the time they don’t want to be too prescriptive in terms of the direction that they’re giving the actors, as the actors know what they’re doing and have a lot of experience, so they give them vague instructions that they then riff off of

[sounded like DA4] They recently did a mocap shoot

[sounded like DA4] There’s a bit more productivity happening now in the pandemic situation; now that the animators are not all going to the capture lab in Vancouver in person for shoots, if it’s not their turn to direct a shot they can instead be working on something else on their computers (multi-tasking). ((Lead DA4 Producer Scylla Costa recently gave a talk at a games festival on the challenges of DA production during the pandemic. In part of this talk he talked about various benefits and drawbacks to the remote-working situation. He also talked about and showed some behind-the-scenes stuff for p-cap and mocap. Notes, images and link here))

[sounded like DA4] Special mocap suits were sent out that they can use with a laptop to go anywhere and shoot motion capture. It’s not as high fidelity as what comes out of the capture lab, but it’s really good for prototyping stuff. Before the pandemic they did some of this (going to a park and shooting some running around)

[sounded like DA4] In one of the shoots they had some actors who were really well-trained in dancing. They were trying to get them to do some combat stuff. This was a bit challenging in the pandemic situation as there’s only so much they can demonstrate/portray as an example to the actors from a distance on camera. “It’s hard to describe what a ‘dodge to attack’ is through the camera to somebody who has no idea what combat looks like in video games”

[not sure if re: DA4 work specifically, another project or a general comment on the craft] The pandemic has really affected performance capture for the face side of things badly, as in order to record, the actor gets dots painted on their face in specific locations by a makeup artist. They can’t do that right now because of social distancing/restrictions, so they haven’t been recording faces at the moment

The more detailed a face, the more joints it has, the more the cost to performance is

---

There was also the Writers’ Block panel, featuring DA writers Mary Kirby, Sheryl Chee and Patrick Weekes, and DA editor Karin Weekes. The timestamps for this segment are ~2:37:50 - 3:26:20. Some notes:

PW has never been weirder than when they were writing Cole on DAI

PW thinks that they accidentally wrote part of “Timber” by Kesha into Solas at one point and they were like “Well, okay, I have to stop listening to Kesha”

For Sheryl, after a while Blackwall’s VA always nailed doing his lines. She loved the quality of his voice and so after a while would always hear his voice while she was writing. This really worked out

^ Mary had this with Merrill. As soon as they cast Eve Myles she listened to several hours of her in Torchwood, and then just wrote to the way that she spoke as much as possible

^ PW had this with GDL as Solas and FPJ as Bull. As soon as they heard FPJ’s delivery, they were like “Oh, okay, I have to write some lines differently, because Bull is smarter than I realized”. With GDL they were like “Okay, he’s going to put poetry into anything I say, in the best way possible”. In early drafts of Solas lines there were parts where they [PW] wondered “Is this too melodramatic? Is this too tragically-angstful?” and then they would hear GDL and be like “Oh! [It’s fine] Game on!”

For localization, German words are often quite long so they often have to make sure that everything fits on the GUI

They think scenes like the romance scenes sound prettier in the Italian versions

Behind the curtain in creating the in-world languages: PW: “There are some awesome websites that have every elven word, like ‘Here are the translations and verb tenses and conjugations’ [etc], [...] and usually Mary and I get very sad slightly looking at those pages going like ‘Does that mean that we have to stick to that?’ [...] The rule is, if I’ve looked at the Wiki and the words, and I go ‘Here’s the correct grammatical way to do it’, and if that turns out to be too long or too many disconnected syllables and it just looks bad or sounds bad, then we shorten it to something simpler, because the key is we want to give the flavor of a foreign language, but we don’t have the world-building budget and capacity to make something that is going to be dictionary-real [in a way that] someone could go through and translate all the background things written on the old temple walls”. Part of the reason for this is the consideration for VAs, who already have to act while bearing lots of things in mind, like the cues in the script for each line

Mary: “For building a language, the first things that I started with for qunlat, elven and dwarven, was what words do we need to use the most? Greetings, farewells, words for friend and enemy, basic things that will come up easily in conversation. After that it’s ‘How difficult is this for other writers to use?’ Can they just pick it off the Wiki? Do they need just one word? Do they need to write whole sentences, and how does that work? Qunlat has almost no grammar to it because asking anyone to learn how to use Qunari grammar and conjugate verbs in a pretend language is impossible, and then once you’ve done that a human being has to be able to read it, while not knowing what any of it means”

PW: “One thing that I was really impressed with with Mary in particular doing, Mary was one of the big lore people across the entire DA series; I can look at a word and go like, ‘That has two A’s in a row, that’s definitely a Qunari word. That word is kind of long and maybe has some apostrophes and has a couple of flowy vowel sounds, that’s probably elven’, I think that’s what’s important. You want players to be able to look at a word, players want to feel smart, [like] ‘Oh I don’t know what that means but I totally know that’s a word from the Qunari people!’”. Mary: “Every language has its own set of phonemes, the sounds that they make, and the sort of word structure and spelling so that it gives a flavor to that language. Hopefully that is always chosen to be pronounceable, because again, very important that the words can be said by human beings :D”

Sheryl: “One of the fun things to do is to make up swear words in the fake languages [...] Recently Brianne wanted a word, I don’t know if she managed to find one”

The origin of bosh’tet in ME: it’s just saying “bastard” and slurring it

PW: “I feel like there are times when past writers kind of leave traps for future writers, where past writers will go ‘Okay, I’m going to write this detailed phrase in a codex entry but don’t worry, it doesn’t matter if it can never be said aloud, because it’ll never have to be voiced!’ and then, next game, guess what guys! Look what you have to make someone [a VA] say! And you’re like [facepalm], c’mon!”

Karin: “Now, four games in, we have pages and pages of all these examples, and I wanna say this, well that’s how we said something before, well that’s ridiculous, I don’t wanna say that, but now we’ve said it and it’s out there, so it’s like, how do we, y’know, how do we evolve, and sometimes we just go ‘Screw it! Languages are living languages! We’ll just say it like this now!’”

PW's favorite is the sarcastic Mythal’enaste, “Because it’s the sarcastic Mythal's blessing that basically means you’re getting screwed over somehow. I love it because Mythal nasty! Whoever wrote that clearly never thought that someone would have to say this out loud”

Sheryl wrote Bull’s joke icicles line. She also wrote Isabela’s big boats line - Jennifer took it out but then DG was like “No it has to come back”

They have a pun test, they get a few of them and have to allot them wisely so as not to oversaturate on the puns. “Is this good/bad enough to be one of the times that we pull the trigger? We did have one of those recently, I obviously can’t talk about it, but it was pronounced Okay to go ahead”

The ‘baby-est’ writer is Brianne, who’s been there 8 years

It makes PW sad that the players never get to see the writers’ temp-text [placeholder text when portions are a WIP]. “People have the best temp-text". Mary: “The number of conversations that I’ve temped in like ‘WELL. I hope nothing BAD happens HERE’”

Q. If you could bring in anybody from outside of gamedev, who would you like to work with and do a writer’s session with? PW: “I will say romance novelist Nora Roberts, she is really smart and also she knows how to write inside a genre, and do wonders within it. Her structure is so good. If you pick up one of her books, you know here’s when this is gonna happen, here’s when they’re gonna meet, here’s when this first moment will happen. We’re all experienced and I feel pretty good about that but I really like all of the things she does that way, and also I am a sucker for romance so I would love to bring a romance novelist in and just have them look at our scenes and go ‘Okay here, no, they should pull the tie so that the article of clothing comes open, we need a sense of how warm the skin is here’ - something like that. I’d wanna see what they could do with that”

“Luke writes the best worst lines”

“I’m always impressed with Mary getting away with lines. There are lines that I look at like, wow, you buried that one. [...] The only players who get that line, I feel like they earned it if they went that far into it. [...] And then Varric or Merrill says a ridiculous line in a one-time throwaway”

Karin: “The group dynamic, you’ll see conversations or snippets of a lunch chat or a thing we’ve been joking about and you’ll see it get pulled in, and how all of you [the writers] are able to take a normal kind of thing - as normal as we get as a group anyway - and then turn it into a moment, and use it to further the plot or use it to further a character. It’s just the cleverest thing and it happens in so many different ways. [...] The little snippet of life, then how you crafted it into this very cool thing”

Quartermaster Threnn was written by PW in half a day. “When I was writing Threnn, ‘Okay, this is a good-hearted [person], I was doing a little bit of Steel Magnolias, southern, no-nonsense, but like, blue collar Steel Magnolias’. This is someone accustomed to the ways of the world so she’s going to call a spade a spade. If you come up to her and you’re an elf she doesn’t recognize you and says ‘Buckets are over there’ because she thinks you’re there to clean, [but] ‘Anyone calls you a knife-ear you come to me I’ll take care of it’. It’s problematic but she’s trying - the good-hearted person rooted for the wrong group on every occasion. She was a proud Loghain supporter, she gets really exited if he comes to Skyhold. That was a fun character for me to write because I had a viewpoint in my mind. I remember someone was like ‘Threnn is really important to me’. And you have to honor that, cause you’re like ‘Cool, it means so much to me that this connected with some part of you’”

---

Also of interest was the Mass Affection panel, in which BioWare devs looked back in over a decade of history to remaster a classic. It featured devs who worked on MELE. The timestamps for this segment are ~3:36:09 - 4:24:37. Some notes:

When the pandemic hit the MELE team were in a relatively awkward spot. They were really entering into what they consider full production and were on-boarding a bunch of teams, as well as training and on-boarding third-party external partner specialized teams worldwide. When the pandemic hit, BioWare and EA were super on top of it. They were tracking it weeks beforehand, getting everyone their computers ready, and getting everything encrypted. When the middle of March 2020 hit they were home rightaway. EA were nothing but supportive throughout the entire thing. They got money every quarter for stuff. It functionally ‘hit’ at 4-6 different times for them as the pandemic occurred in different places throughout the world at different times depending on each country’s response plan (and their external partners were in different countries). “So it was one of those things where it was just like, every day we’d come in like can we still work with this company anymore? Do we need to find someone else? Do we need to pull people in off the other projects at BioWare to fill gaps here and there?”

There was a bug on Virmire at the part when you’re coming into the STG camp. If the Mako had its new boosters on and you came hurtling in really fast, it cut to the cutscene, but the Mako hit a jump and when Ash was like “What do we do now?” the Mako ended up literally flying around in the background sideways and then crashing into the camp

Another bug: when they were re-tuning the guns, the physics force on some of the guns with Hammerhead rounds was so high that when you were fighting some of the Thorian Creepers, you could ragdoll them so hard that you could basically embed them in the roof. They’d be moving so fast that they’d penetrate all the walls with their legs dangling out. It was so easy to do and you could do it to everybody. You could launch a geth halfway across an Uncharted World

Another bug: with Shepard’s casual appearance in ME3, if you didn’t have it set up perfectly correctly it would default to Grunt for some reason. You’d be walking around as Grunt, going on dates as Grunt, and your face would be all scrunched up because it was all mapped to human bones still, so it was just, like, Nightmare Fuel of Grunt

Another bug: in ME2 on Illium when trying to recruit Samara, the Asari enemies just would not stop screaming - regardless of whether they were hit or not, it was endless screaming. Later one of the devs got an audio file of the scream, endless and looped, and now one of the devs has it on their phone and uses it for their morning alarm tone

“Shepard would come up to characters and they’d just be screaming”

---

There was also the Programming Variables panel, talking about what hurdles game programmers face. Some [or all?] of the devs that were part of this panel are currently working on DA4. They talked a bit about their day-to-day work and about the craft of game dev programming in general. The timestamps for this segment are ~ 4:24:46 - 5:06:02.

[source]

[insights/notes from Gamers For Groceries 1]

[☕ found this post or blog interesting or useful? my ko-fi is here if you feel inclined. thank you 🙏]

#dragon age 4 #the dread wolf rises #da4 #dragon age #bioware #video games #long post #longpost #in case this is of interest to anyone #mass effect #anthem #covid mention #cole #spirit boy #solas #lul

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slytherinbarnes · 4 years ago

Text

Sub Rosa [91]

vii. the queen’s gambit

Pairing: Bellamy Blake x reader

Word Count: 10.6k

Warnings: anxiety, fighting, death, mentions of blood, mentions of self inflicted violence (not in the traditional sense??? if you need clarification, let me know), torture, injuries.

Summary: after a failed escape attempt from bardo, you discover that you are more valuable to them than you could have ever imagined.

a/n: i literally can’t believe we’re in the 90s!!! we don’t have many episodes left which is very weird bc i feel like I just started sharing sub rosa with yall! i’m so excited to share the ending, but so sad that it’s nearing the end! the taglist for this series is open! I hope you enjoy, please let me know what you think!!!

previous chapter // season masterlist // series masterlist

You wake slowly, your mind trying to catch up to the events of the last few hours.

Bellamy’s death hits you before anything else, just as painful as the first time. Then Gabriel’s betrayal follows, and as you start to open your eyes and comprehend what’s happening, you feel someone lifting up your shirt. Your eyes fly open and your gaze lands on someone from Bardo, who is staring down at the scar that the Azgeda assassin gave you in Mount Weather. They look up at you in surprise as you sit up, their hand dropping your shirt as they step away from you, hands lifted in surrender. “I’m sorry, I was changing you and I just noticed your scars.”

You ignore the person and look down, your clothes different than the ones you were wearing before. Your disciple suit is gone, your clothes from Skyring too. In their place is a shirt from Bardo, their symbol on the front, and a pair of pants to match. You’re barefoot, and the knife that usually sits strapped to your thigh is missing too. In a state of panic, you reach up to your neck, relieved to find your necklace still with you, and one glance at your finger reveals your ring hasn’t been taken either. Your eyes search the room quickly, finding your clothes in a pile nearby, your boots beside the pile, your knife on top. You quickly jump off the examination table and cross the room, running over and grabbing your weapon. You pull it from its holster before you spin around, facing the person in the room, taking in the fear in their expression before you snap, “Where are my friends?”

“They’re being examined by the medical team in the rooms nearby.”

“Examined? Why?”

They look terrified of you, their voice shaking slightly as they glance down at the knife in your hand. “Standard protocol for new arrivals.”

Your brain is running at a million miles a minute, trying to process information as fast as it can, but ultimately you know you need to get out of here. Your friends are in rooms around you and you are trapped on an unfamiliar planet, with no access to the Anomaly Stone. But maybe if you can cause a distraction, your friends can get to the Stone Room and go for help. You’ll be trapped here, but it’ll be worth it if the others can escape and bring an army back for you. You have the layout of Bardo memorized, and you have a general idea of how to cause enough chaos to get them out of Bardo, you just need to free one of your people so they can free the rest. You look back to the Bardoan in the room, noticing for the first time that they’re young, probably a few years younger than you. They're part of the medical staff in some capacity, and they look terrified, clearly not a fighter. Something about them reminds you of Clarke, back before she became Wanheda, when she was young and naive and just wanted to save lives. But that similarity is the reason you decide to spare the person from the distraction that’s forming in your mind. “Where is Octavia Blake?”

“Across the hall. But you can't get out of here, they have Bardo on lockdown.”

“Who’s gonna stop me, you?” They shake their head and you nod once. “Good, because I don't want to kill you, but I will if you get in my way.”

They say nothing, keeping silent and backing up against the wall, clearly believing your threat and more than willing to allow your escape. You reach for the button that activates the door, but stop when the medical aid calls out, “Wait, there are guards!”

You pause, turning to look at them. “How many?”

“One outside each door.” You run the math, figuring there are at least 6 guards outside. You're sure that you can take them, but it'll only raise suspicions earlier than you can afford. You’re trying to figure out a plan when the aid mutters, “I can help you.”

You give them a skeptical look. “And why would you do that?”

“To prevent any more killings.”

You watch them closely, looking for any signs of deceit, but you find none. They seem genuine in their pursuit to prevent any more disciple deaths, and though you don’t care about the disciples dying, you do care about staying under the radar for as long as you can. Which is why you nod at the aid, accepting their help. “Fine. What do you have in mind?”

They cross the room slowly, both of you suspicious of the other, before opening the door to a supply closet. They dig around for a second before pulling out a small canister, holding it up for you to see. “Knockout gas. We’ve been perfecting it in preparation for the Last War, so there’s always some laying around in here.”

They hesitantly walk closer to you, reaching out to hand you the canister, and you take it with a nod of thanks. But you’re well aware that you can’t leave them conscious, so you look at them with regret and mutter “sorry” before swiftly knocking them out. It’s probably safer for them this way anyways. You cross the room again, back to the door button, and you hit the switch. As the door slides open, you pull the pin from the canister and toss it down the hall. You hear a yelp of surprise followed by the thudding of bodies, and you wait a solid minute before pulling your shirt up over your mouth and nose and venturing out into the hall. All six guards are unconscious and taken care of, so you cross the hall to the other door, hitting the button that opens the door to Octavia’s room.

Your eyes find her quickly, falling on Octavia, who is sitting in the middle of the room, looking at you in surprise. Beside her, a doctor looks at you in fear before tuning and running towards a panic button on the wall. You grab your knife and throw it towards him, the blade going clean through his hand and stopping him in place. He lets out a cry of pain as he stares at the knife, and you cross the room in record time, knocking him out and grabbing your knife before turning towards Octavia. She’s looking at you in confusion, trying to figure out what’s going on. “What are you doing?”

“Getting us out of here. Can you stand?” She nods and stands with no issues, and you continue, “Good. You need to get the others and get to the Stone Room. They should know how to get there if you don’t.”

She shakes her head, immediately disagreeing with your plan. “What about you?”

“I'm going to cause a distraction so you can get to the Stone Room and then back to Sanctum with no resistance. Tell Clarke what’s going on, and bring back our army.”

You don't wait for her to accept your plan before you start to turn away, your mind thinking of the limited time you have to pull this off. Octavia grabs your arm and stops you, pulling you to look at her. “La lune, you can’t.”

“I have to. Bellamy would want me to keep you safe.”

“He’d want me to keep you safe.”

You counter, “Then get the others and get out of here. You can come back for me.”

“There’s so much you don’t know. You’re not safe here.”

You shake your head, pulling your arm from her grip, already backing away. “Octavia, there’s no time. None of us are safe here. You can catch me up on everything else later, but for now, I need you to get the others and get back to Sanctum, please.”

She hesitates, clearly wanting to tell you now, but she understands the limited time you have so she nods. You turn and run from the room, snatching a few grenades off the fallen disciples as you jog down the hall. You mentally pull out the map of Bardo that you have memorized, just in case something like this happened, thinking that the oxygen farm might be your best bet for a distraction. It’s far enough away from the Stone Room, and it’s an important resource, so they’ll be eager to protect it. You run towards the farm, passing no one on the way, confirming that they really have locked down Bardo. You reach the farm with ease, hitting the button to open the door and stepping inside.

It’s raining, the drops of water landing on your face and running down your cheeks like tears as you look to the sky. It’s easy to imagine that this is Earth and you are home and Bellamy is just around the corner, waiting to dance in the rain with you. But the weight of the grenades in your hands reminds you that this isn't Earth, and Bellamy is dead, and you are on a mission. You immediately pull the pin from one of the grenades and toss it into the trees nearby, taking off running as fast as you can to put distance between you and the explosion. An alarm immediately goes off, likely thanks to some sort of fire alert system, and you throw more grenades as you run through the woods, keeping your path random and erratic. You toss the last of your grenades into a clearing before you slip into the trees and turn to face the door.

You hear the doors to the farm slide open and you duck down behind some brush, hiding yourself completely from view and watching as a large group of disciples files into the farm. “Spread out and find her before she gets us all killed.”

You back away and slink into the shadows as the disciples break up into pairs and start to search for you, starting at the grenade explosion sites. You situate yourself behind a few large trees and hold your knife tight in your hand, crouching and waiting for a disciple to come your way. Your anxiety grows with each passing second that you spend hidden, the anticipation of an impending attack starting to wear you down, but just when you think you can't take it anymore, you hear a twig snap nearby. You peer around the tree, watching two disciples walking your way, scanning the brush around them. One is walking slightly ahead of the other, giving you the perfect advantage, and when the disciple steps within arms length of you, you step out from the trees and grab him, quickly shoving your knife into the space between his suit and his helmet, right into his neck. You feel blood rush over your hand as you pull the knife out, the other disciple turning towards you in shock.

They have enough time to process their partner's body hitting the ground before you close the space between you and kill them too. You look around, searching for any other nearby disciples, but with none of them close by, you use the moment to quickly strip down the disciple closest to your size and slip into their suit. From there, you walk off in search of the other disciples, not bothering with ghost mode since they’d be able to see you anyways. It doesn't take long for you to come across another pair, both of them turning towards you as you approach. “Any sign of her?”

You use your mind to activate your weapons system, lifting both of your arms towards them as you mutter, “Yeah, I am her.”

And then you kill them both.

You’re able to do this for 6 more disciples, taking them out before they even realize what’s going on. Unfortunately for you, someone stumbles onto the first pair of dead bodies, one of them stripped from their suit, and they announce, “She has a suit! Everyone gather in the clearing!”

You’re about to slink back in the shadows and rid yourself of the suit in question when a pair of disciples appears from the woods behind you, grabbing your arm as they walk past. “Come on, newbie, clearing’s this way.”

Your anxiety spikes as you wonder how you're going to get out of this, your body being led into a group of disciples that all seem to want you dead. As soon as you arrive in the circle, a disciple in the middle of the group, clearly the leader, looks over everyone gathered around. “Is this it? Where are the others?”

Someone answers, “Dead.”

The man practically growls with anger, “Helmets off, I want to find her.”

There’s no way for you to avoid unmasking as everyone pulls off their helmets, because if you don't do it, they'll know it's you. If you do it, they'll know it's you. With no other options, you pull off your helmet too. Everyone is looking around, trying to find a face they don't recognize, a face devoid of tattoos, and it only takes seconds for them to realize you’re the imposter. The remaining 12 disciples all turn towards you, lifting their arms and training their weapons on you. “You! Drop the knife!”

You shake your head and bite back, “Not a chance.”

“Fine, any last words?”

You feel a flash of fear as you start to wonder, is this it? Is this where you die? But then you think of Bellamy, killed on the same planet, waiting for you in the stars, and you get a sense of peace. You can die knowing you did whatever you could to save your friends and get them home. That’s your tribute to Bellamy. You couldn't save him, but you could damn well save the rest of your family. You tip your chin in defiance, glaring at the leader of the group, anger written all over your face. “Yeah, go float yourself.”

His glare deepens, a sneer contorting his mouth as his arm takes aim at your chest. You close your eyes, waiting for the blow, waiting for death, waiting to join Bellamy, but it never comes. Instead, the moment is interrupted by someone yelling, “Wait! We need her!”

Your eyes pull open in surprise and confusion, your gaze landing on a man in a long white cloak with white hair, walking quickly towards you. Anders. All around you, weapons start to lower as Anders yells, “She is Clarke Griffin's twin! If we want to get the Key, we need her alive.”

Clarke? Your mind latches onto a memory that’s flying past, a snippet of conversation from Bellamy’s death video. Let him go, and I'll tell you everything you want to know about Clarke. You turn your gaze towards Anders, noting his excitement as he says your twin’s name, and you spit, “Clarke? What the hell do you want with Clarke?”

“She’s the Key to everything.”

His tone is reverent, serious, hopeful, and your stomach flips in fear. You know something is wrong, something about this isn’t okay. You know that if it comes down to it, Clarke will do anything to keep you safe, including putting herself in danger. She's all you have left in the world, your only blood family left, and you can’t let her do that. Which is why you lift the knife still gripped in your hand and hold it to your throat. A dozen disciples lift their weapons towards you in alarm, but Anders freaks out and yells, “Weapons down!”

You glare at him, “I won't let you use me to get to her.”

“Miss Griffin, please. You don't understand.”

“And I don't care to. You already took the love of my life from me, I won't let you take my twin too. If this is how I have to keep her safe, then so be it.”

As your grip on the knife tightens and you prepare to slit your own throat, Anders interrupts once again. “Wait. Before you do something reckless, consider this.”

On cue, a group of disciples marches your way, your friends held in their grip. Gabriel, Echo, Octavia, Hope, Diyoza, all captured and held at gunpoint. You pause, your grip loosening slightly as you look at them in alarm. Octavia mouths an apology to you before Anders mutters, “Interesting. We thought your friends might be your weakness. Put the knife down, or we kill them all.”

You look at him in shock before turning to look at your friends. Octavia is nodding her head, encouraging you to drop your knife, and Gabriel is too. But beside him, Echo is shaking her head, a glare on her face, telling you to follow through with your plan, silently telling you to protect your sister over the rest of them. But you love all of them too, and you can't stomach knowing that you’d be the reason they all die. You fight back a sob as you turn back to Anders, resigning yourself to your fate. “Fine.”

You drop the knife, and no less than six disciples descend on you before it even hits the dirt. As you watch Anders, your expression one of defeat, he smiles a little. You can't interpret it, unsure if it's meant to be smug or genuine happiness or what, but you don't get long to think about it before the disciple leader mutters, “Lights out.”

You turn towards him just as someone hits you in the back of the head, hard, darkness quickly swirling at the edges of your vision. His smirk is the last thing you see before the darkness swallows you whole.

The next time you wake, it’s with a groan.

Someone mutters your name as soon as they hear you stir, and you hear them shift towards you as you slowly pull your eyes open, fighting against the pain radiating from the back of your head.

Your eyes fall on Gabriel, who is staring down at you with worry. “Cielito, are you okay?”

You look at him in confusion before you abruptly sit up, looking around the room, suddenly remembering the danger all of you were in the last time you were conscious. “Where are the others?”

“I don't know. They took them to a different cell block.”

“Are they okay?”

“They were the last time I saw them. We’re being taken care of, meals and beds and supplies, so I’m assuming we’re worth something to them.”

You nod, taking the information in, already aware of your worth to them. A worth that stems from their fascination with Clarke, though you don’t understand why they’re so enamored with her. You open your mouth to ask Gabriel if he’s heard anything, but as you do, you’re suddenly cut off by the doors to your cell opening and a swarm of disciples moving inside. Two men grab Gabriel and pull him away from you as two other guards grab you, both of you sharing a look of alarm. “What are you doing? What’s going on?”

“Let me go!” You kick and fight against them, but they hold you tight in their grip, practically dragging you down the hall behind Gabriel. “Where are my friends?”

“Doubt they'd call either of you a friend after what you’ve put them through.” His words make you panic, your mind imagining the worst. Your friends tied up and tortured, all because you failed in your mission to save them. You start to fight harder, slipping from the guard’s grip slightly, but they readjust their hold on you and grab you tighter, their fingers squeezing bruises into your arm. Gabriel yells back towards the other cell blocks as you are dragged away, clearly in just as much turmoil as you are. “No, no, no! Echo! Hope! I'm sorry!”

You and Gabriel fight the entire time you are led down the hall, and you only stop when the guards pause outside of a door, waiting for it to open. You freeze as you realize where you are, you and Gabriel exchanging a worried look as the doors to the Stone Room slide open. The guards release Gabriel and step back, but they keep their grip firmly on you as a white clothed figure steps into view.

Anders.

He smiles at Gabriel before turning to extend you the same greeting, but his smile drops into a frown when he sees the guards at your side, still holding you tight. “Release her.”

“Sir, with all due respect, she is dangerous. I don't think we should-”

He cuts the guard off with a raised hand. “I didn't ask what you thought. Release her.”

The guards let you go, though they still seem hesitant to do so, despite the demand by their leader. Once you're free, Anders again smiles, greeting you both. “Dr. Santiago, Miss Griffin.”

You and Gabriel stand frozen in the doorway, and he motions you closer. “Come, please.”

The two of you move hesitantly closer, and your eyes fall on the only other person in the room, the conductor. Gabriel’s gaze shifts to the Anomaly Stone, which Anders quickly takes note of. “Miraculous, isn't it? A gift from those who have transcended, or so we believe.”

Gabriel questions, “Transcended?”

“The Shepherd teaches us that winning the Last War brings upon the final evolution of a species. I thought Orlando would have taught you that.” You turn towards Anders at the mention of Orlando, and Anders watches you and Gabriel carefully as he continues, “He hanged himself in the cabin.”

He turns and motions to what appears to be a body, covered in a sheet, your eyes missing it earlier. But they don't miss it now, because your gaze is locked on the form as your brain struggles to process the words. He hanged himself. He hanged himself. He hanged himself. Gabriel shifts beside you, uncomfortable, but Anders continues speaking, ignoring the heavy feeling of grief in the air. “It appears we need to rethink our penal system. We lost 35 disciples thanks to you and yours, 10 from Miss Griffin just in the last day. I sent the others off to Nakara, but I thought that you both might like to say goodbye.”

Gabriel mutters, “I'm sure Hope and Echo would too.”

“We have different plans for them.”

He motions towards the body again, encouraging the two of you to move closer. You glance up at Gabriel, and he reaches out for your hand and pulls you closer to Orlando's waiting body. You both kneel on his right side, and Gabriel whispers, “La muerte es la vida.”

“May we meet again.” Tears well up in your eyes as you look down at the covered body, imagining what Orlando must have felt as the four of you left him behind on Skyring. Clearly it was painful enough that he hanged himself because of it, and you feel guilt start to press heavy on your chest. Another person led to Death, thanks to Wanlida. Her presence is beginning to feel like a curse again, the way it used to, no longer offering you the comfort it did on Skyring. She doesn't care that Orlando is dead, but you do. Because he was your friend, and this is your fault. You reach out tentatively and rest a hand on what you think is his chest, your voice barely a whisper when you say, “Please forgive me.”

You feel tears tighten your throat and attempt to choke you, and Gabriel squeezes your hand, which is still held tightly in his own. You look at him with tear stained cheeks and nod, letting him know you’re okay, and he nods back before turning his attention back to Anders. “Is Nakara your heaven?”

The Anomaly powers up nearby, and you and Gabriel stand, stepping away from the body of your fallen friend as the green glow quickly grows and takes Orlando’s body before receding again. At Gabriel’s question, Anders turns to look at the two of you in surprise. “He left that out too, did he?”

You and Gabriel exchange a look, suddenly realizing that Echo really was right. Orlando was your friend, but you were never his people. Five years on a planet with him and he only ever told you what you needed to know, despite all of you telling him everything about your lives before him. Anders takes in your shared look before he continues, “No, we don't believe in heaven, doctor. Like I said, we believe in transcendence.”

“Transcendence through the stone?”

You look away from the two men, your mind blocking out whatever they're saying, uninterested in transcendence or the mystery of the Anomaly Stones. And as you look away, your eyes lad on an imperfection on the floor behind Anders. Black and charred, in the exact place where your fiance last stood before he was killed by one of the disciples. And now you think that the 35 dead disciples aren't enough, because you want to burn Bardo to the ground. Its existence has brought you nothing but trouble from day one. You feel tears prick your eyes, but you work hard to keep them at bay, not wanting Anders to see you crying, not wanting the people of Bardo to know that this is something bothering you, because when you destroy them, you want them to be surprised. You don't want them to suspect the anger hidden deep inside of you, or the anguish that you're keeping buried, so you work hard to keep your mind off of the spot on the floor.

Anders aids in your distraction techniques when he says a word that makes your blood run cold. “Because you don't want to be executed.”

You look over at him in alarm, digging through your subconscious memory to figure out why he’d say that. You finally find Gabriel’s question that prompted the response, something along the lines of why should he help the Bardoans with the stone. Gabriel senses your rising tension and squeezes the hand that is still in his own, before he levels a serious look at Anders. “I don't want my friends to be executed either.”

“Well, that's up to them.” He walks around the stone before stopping on the other side and watching Gabriel closely. “Given your history with the stone, I would like you to help us unlock it. We'll share our knowledge, you'll share yours, and all you have to do is say, ‘yes’.”

Gabriel turns to look at you, his gaze asking what you think. Your mind runs through the information you have. Clearly, you know next to nothing about Bardo and the disciples, thanks to Orlando. And if you want to destroy this place, having an inside man, with loyalty to you, is the best way to do it. Which is why you look at Gabriel and nod once, letting him know you think he should do it. Gabriel turns back to Anders and jokes, “Do I get a robe?”

Anders cuts him a look, so Gabriel adds, “Yes, I’ll join your cipher team.”

Satisfied, Anders nods once and smiles, but you start to realize that things aren't adding up. You and Gabriel were separated from the others for a reason. Because you serve a greater purpose to them. But you know next to nothing about the stones and have little to offer them for scientific advancements, so what use do you have to Anders and his people? “I don't know anything about the Anomaly, and you clearly know that, so why am I here?”

“We need you to tell us everything about Clarke Griffin.”

“Clarke?” Your brows furrow, just as confused as the first few times they mentioned Clarke, not understanding why she’s so important to them. “What does Clarke have to do with any of this?”

“She's the Key to everything.”

You shake your head, growing frustrated. “But what does that mean?”

“Tell us what we want to know, and we’ll do the same for you.”

You feel a wave of realization pass over you when you catch on to what he really wants. Sure, he wants to know about Clarke, but it’s more than that. “You want my memories.”

“Yes.” The door to the room slides open on cue, and a group of disciples walk in, moving towards you. “We’d prefer if you went willingly, but we’ll take you by force if necessary.”

You remember your earlier desire to destroy Bardo, and your need to stay cool and calm. And despite the fact that you want to scream and cry and fight every Bardoan in this room, you put on a brave face, tip your chin in defiance, and mutter, “The guards aren't necessary.”

Gabriel looks at you in alarm, not expecting your willingness, turning his gaze to Anders. “No. No way, she isn't going to M-Cap. That thing is torture.”

“Only if you fight it.” Anders turns to you, waiting to see your reaction to the same thing Hope said to you 5 years ago. You stay calm and shrug, “I won't.”

You turn to look at Gabriel, this time squeezing his hand in reassurance. “I’ll be fine. Have a good first day, doctor.”

He must sense something in your gaze, and because he trusts you, he drops it. You let go of his hand and turn to follow the disciples and Anders from the Stone Room and down to M-Cap, your mind remembering the path easily, thanks to your years of studying the map that Orlando drew. As you step into the room, the disciples stay outside and motion you inside, towards a man in white, his back turned to you as he sets up the machine, which has clearly been fixed since Echo used it to kill a man. The man in the room turns towards you when he hears you approach, and you're surprised to see Levitt standing there, watching you with a blank expression. You almost react, but then you remember that you aren't supposed to know each other, so you copy the same blank expression on his face, and follow Anders inside of the room tentatively. He looks at the other disciples over your shoulder. “We’ll be done in an hour.”

They nod and close the door behind them, leaving you, Anders, and Levitt alone, and he motions towards the M-Cap chair. “Please, take a seat Miss Griffin.”

You do as he asks, sliding into the seat, the leather cool against your arms. You lean back a little, resting comfortably, as Levitt begins to attach straps around your wrists and your torso. You look at them warily, and Levitt catches sight of the look. “Don't worry, these are more to help you than hurt you.”

You give him an unconvinced nod, and he finishes up with the restraints, turning away from you and pulling a pair of glasses down onto his face. He begins fiddling with a hologram that only he can see before Anders looks over at him. “I want to see what she sees.”

Levitt spreads his arms wide and a large holographic screen expands in front of them both, big enough for Anders to see everything that Levitt can. He turns and tugs a weird helmet over your head, pinning you in place, and he gives you a look before turning away again. You don't have time to interpret what it means, because Levitt asks, “You're in an endless desert with a vast purple sky. A hand reaches out for your own. Whose is it?”

A million faces flash through your mind on hyperdrive. Your brain thinks of the deep blues and purples of the sky overhead, dotted with stars, and you turn your head to see Bellamy. His hand lifts and points back to the sky, and you follow his finger to see the Ark in the sky overhead, your dad’s hand reaching out for yours. He takes it and turns you around, turning you to face your mother, who smiles and offers you a flower. As you look down at the flower, it transforms into the ones around Shallow Valley, that Clarke used to sit and sketch for hours. You look at your twin, a vast purple sky behind her, the desert of the dead zone stretched around you both, and Anders exclaims, “There! The Key!”

Levitt grabs onto Clarke’s photo from the stream of passing faces, and you grunt a little as the M-Cap machine connects with your mind. It’s not painful, but it’s uncomfortable, like someone’s hand is in your head and holding your brain, their grip tight enough to put pressure on your entire skull. You decided instantly that you hate the sensation, and you want to fight and disengage the link, but that’s not the part you should be playing. But then you remember that you shouldn't be thinking about the part you're playing while your brain is hooked up to a machine designed to read the memories in your head, so you switch to thoughts of Bellamy, his lips on yours, hoping the intimacy is enough to get the two men out of your head.

“Bring back Clarke. We need to know everything we can about her.”

Levitt turns back to you, his voice soft when he asks, “What’s your earliest memory of Clarke?”

Your brain starts moving backwards, landing on a memory from age 10, until you remember one even younger, age 8. But then another memory pops into your head, back to 6, then 5, before finally settling on 4. Your father is holding your hand tight in his own, leading you towards your shared room with Clarke, his expression frantic. He takes you to the hiding spot in the closet, moving the false door aside to motion you inside, but you plant your feet and refuse to be pushed inside. “No, dad, I don't want to hide!”

Your father kneels down to get into your line of sight, trying hard to hide the anxiety in his expression, though he does a poor job of it. “La lune, I know you don't, but the Chancellor is on his way right now, and he can't know about you. We talked about this, remember?”

“I remember, but I don't want to.”

Suddenly there's movement to your left, and Clarke steps into the room. She looks over at you, just as upset that you have to stay hidden, her expression identical to your own, in more ways than one. She crosses the room to you, something held tight in her grip, and she lifts her hand to offer it to you. It’s a bear, crudely stitched together, almost creepy, but it’s Clarke’s favorite, the one she sleeps with every night. “You take it, Mr. Stuffings will keep you safe.”

You shake your head, not wanting to take your twin’s most prized possession. “Clarke, that's yours.”

She pushes it towards you again, into your hands. “But when you have to hide, he’ll be yours.”

“Are you sure?”

She nods, and you step forward to hug her, wrapping your small arms around her. “Thank you, Clarke.”

She hugs you back before you step back, turning to your father, “Okay, I'm ready.”

He nods and you step into the hidden location, watching as he puts the false wall into its place, plunging you into darkness.

When the memory ends, your brain comes back to reality shockingly fast, suddenly conscious of your surroundings again. You're covered in a thin layer of sweat, already exhausted after one memory, and you already want to cry at the thought of how many more memories they’re going to want from you. Levitt turns to you, a proud smile on his face. “You’re doing great.”

But across the room, Anders disagrees. “That memory gave us nothing. We don’t know anymore about the Key than we did before it.”

“Sir, all due respect, sifting through memories takes time. There could be information about the Key that we need from the early memories, we can't rush through these.”

“She must have thousands of memories of Clarke. It’ll take weeks to go through all of them.”

“Probably.”

Anders sighs and steps away from the hologram, “I want everything in the report, and I want reports daily. Anything urgent or important comes to me immediately, understood?”

“Yes, sir.”

Anders turns and exits the room without another word, leaving you and Levitt alone. He lets out an audible sigh once it’s just you two, turning to look at you in relief. “I’m glad all of you are okay.”

You counter, “Why did you tell us to go to the surface if it's not survivable? That man Echo killed said we’d need rebreathers.”

“You’d survive for at least a few hours. Long enough for me to figure out how to get all of you out of here. Though, you got pretty close with your plan. The others made it to the door of the Stone Room before a disciple stumbled upon them by accident. They knocked her out, but she had already alerted the others.”

“Great.” You don't know what else to say. Almost freeing your friends is not enough. They're still here, half of them god knows where, and a reminder of your failure isn't helpful. “Where are they? Are they okay?”

“They’re okay.”

“When can I see them?”

“You can’t.”

You give Levitt a skeptical look. “Why not?”

“Because all of you play different roles in Bardo now. The others will be prepped for something different, and any fraternization between you is discouraged.”

“Just discouraged? Not banned.”

“For you, consider it banned. Anders values your memories and the information about the Key that you can offer us.”

You give him another look. “Which means that I can use my status to negotiate a visit with them.”

Levitt shakes his head, stopping any ideas before they have a chance to form. “It means that you will be kept away from the others, with the exception of Gabriel. There is a consensus that you’ll get reckless in an attempt to protect your friends, and that you may cause more trouble if given the opportunity to see them. Anders doesn't want to risk that.”

You roll your eyes, annoyed at the situation you’re in. “Yeah, imagine getting separated from nearly everyone you love, on a strange planet where your fiance was murdered months before, and then trying to escape. Can’t imagine why anyone would do such a thing.”

Levitt ignores your sarcasm, his expression softening. “I’m sorry about what happened to Bellamy. We never wanted anyone to get hurt. But your ways are strange to us. We don’t love individuals, we value the collective. Your constant attempts at escape, which often result in a myriad of disciple deaths in the process, set us back further and further in our preparations for the Last War. We need your information and we need every disciple on Bardo to fight, so we can’t risk you seeing your friends and attempting another escape.”

“Then it seems we’re at a crossroads, because I don’t understand why I should help you.”

Levitt gets a fearful look on his face, and he leans closer to you, dropping his voice to a whisper. “You can’t say things like that. If they hear you, they’ll start killing your friends to get you to comply. I know you don’t want that.”

You look at Levitt and the fear he has, and you start to think that maybe the Bardoans aren’t as advanced as they think they are. You’ve only ever killed people to survive or save the people you love, but they’re willing to kill people, your family, just to break you. And after losing Bellamy, you can’t stomach the idea of losing anyone else. Which Levitt must know, because he takes your softening demeanor as a sign to continue. He does offer you an apologetic look though. “I don’t like digging in your head any more than you like being here. But it’s something we both have to do. And if there aren't at least five memories in the report, Anders will get suspicious. I don't want him to kick me off your case the way they did with Octavia.”

You sigh, knowing you don't have much of a choice. Better that Levitt is sorting through your memories than someone else. For the rest of your time that day, and every day after that, Levitt sorts through your memories of Clarke. He starts as far back as he can and works through the memories in your head, skipping the ones that aren't relevant, though he does tend to sit through some of your memories with Bellamy, the concept of love unfamiliar to him. And every day the disciples have to practically carry you back to your shared room with Gabriel, M-Cap draining your energy even when you're not fighting the machine. And every day Gabriel worries about you the second you are unceremoniously delivered to your room. He keeps you awake long enough to eat whatever meal is provided to you and then he watches over you as you sleep. You know he does, because the bags under his eyes are dark and visible, and he always looks worried. You try to encourage him to worry about you less, not wanting your mental torture to torture him too, but he never listens and he continues to worry.

Still, all things considered, your time in Bardo is not bad. At least, not until your 6th day of M-Cap. Levitt has now made it to your memories in Polis, when Clarke put the Flame in her head to stop Alie. Clarke has just pulled the kill switch and everyone is coming to. Bellamy has just appeared at your side and the two of you are kissing, but as the memory plays out, Levitt mutters, “Wait, stop.”

The sound of his voice pulls you back to the present, and you turn to look at him in confusion, but he doesn't look your way as he rewinds the memory that just played out in your head, zooming in on something in the background. As you and Bellamy pull away and your eyes open, they catch sight of something on the throne, despite it not being your focus. There, Clarke sits, your mother now removing the Flame from your twin’s head and pressing it into her hand. Levitt spins around to look at you in complete shock. “Clarke doesn't have the Flame anymore?”

You look at him in confusion. “No, why would she?”

“In Octavia’s memories...I never saw…”

He trails off, and you put the pieces together quickly. “Wait, you’re telling me that Clarke is the Key because of the tech in her head?”

Levitt nods slightly, stunned, and you continue, ”And you never looked in Octavia’s memories beyond this to know that Clarke took it out?”

You're careful not to mention Madi, realizing that if the Flame is this important to them, Madi could become a target next since she had the Flame most recently. Levitt nods again, confirming that the Bardoans obsession with Clarke stems from something that hasn't been relevant in years. You can't help yourself, but you laugh. Loud, deep, full of disbelief. Everything you've been through, the days of M-Cap that have drained you, all for nothing. Levitt turns to look at you when he hears your amusement, his expression worried. “No, you don't understand. The reason you've been safe until now is because we thought Clarke had the Key. But if she doesn't, then all of you, you and your friends, are useless to us.”

The laughter dies in your throat as you look at him with fear. “Levitt, you can't tell them.”

He turns back to the screen, already moving things aside, shifting, editing, deleting. “Trust me, I did not allow Octavia to punch me twice just to throw it all away now. I’m erasing this from the report, but from now on, you can’t let me into your head.”

“You’re saying that I have to fight the machine?”

He turns to you, shaking his head. “You can't fight the machine, because your brain will hemorrhage. But you can beat the machine by repeating a single phrase over and over, like the one that Bellamy used to say to you.”

“Tell me about the stars.”

“Right, good. We’ll begin tomorrow, but for now, get some rest.”

He walks to the door and lets the disciples in so they can carry you back to your room, back to Gabriel, your anxiety higher than usual after an M-Cap session. Because now you are hyper aware that your survival, the survival of your friends, and the survival of the people you love, all depends on your ability to beat a machine designed to dig through your memories or kill you trying.

The next morning, the disciples lead you back to M-Cap, your hands damp with sweat as you think of the task ahead of you. Beat the machine, save those you love. Easy, right? Except it’s not, because when the door opens, Levitt is in the room waiting for you, like usual, but a second figure clothed in white is in there too. Anders turns towards you with a smile, some of your previous memories playing out on the screen behind him. “Miss Griffin, nice to see you again.”

You nod at him awkwardly, not sure you can trust your voice to stay strong as you face the prospect of beating the machine in front of Anders. You cross the room on shaky legs and plop down into the chair you’ve sat in for the last 7 days now, and Levitt turns to face you and prep you. He senses your fear and gives you a reassuring smile, but through his teeth, he whispers, “Pain.”

You look at him in confusion, but he just shakes his head, letting you know he can't say anything else, leaving you to mull over his words. Once the machine is ready, he begins with the same question he always does. “You're in an endless desert with a vast purple sky. A hand reaches out for your own. Whose is it?”

And just like every other day, your brain cycles through a scroll of faces, and Levitt picks one to begin. This time, it’s your father, his smile bright and happy. Beside you, Levitt mutters, “Good. Neural link is engaged.”

Anders moves closer to you. “I’m curious, some of the reports mention that you call Clarke ‘shining star’. Why is that?”

You glance at Levitt from the corner of your eye, and he gives you a look, reminding you of your conversation the day before. So you fight against the memory that threatens to rise to the surface, you, your mother, and Clarke all on your couch, your father standing across from you, and you start to repeat, “Tell me about the stars. Tell me about the stars. Tell me about the stars. Tell me about the stars.”

The memory playing on the screen nearby stutters, before disappearing, and through your repeated words, you can hear Anders ask, “What is she doing? Bring the memory back!”

“She's trying to block the machine.”

“Why?”

“I don't know, sir.”

Anders glares at Levitt, “Turn it up.”

“But sir-”

He cuts off Levitt’s disagreement. “Do it. Now.”

You glance at Levitt as he dials up the machine, and he flashes you another look, his mouth moving over a silent word, unseen by Anders. Pain.

Pain? It must mean something because Levitt wouldn't risk telling you twice if it didn't. But you are pulled from your thoughts by Anders' voice once again muttering, “The shining star.”

Again, a memory starts to take shape in your mind, your family together, three perfectly wrapped boxes held tightly in your father's hands, and you attempt to use the phrase to resist the memory. But you know which one it is, the allure of it too strong to resist, wanting to relive the moment again. A small box held in your small hands, your dad’s grin is wide and bright, and it makes you feel happy too. But your conscious mind still fights. This memory is meaningless, pointless in the quest for information on Clarke. But if you can't resist this, what will happen when the important memories come into play? You again remember Levitt’s words, the pieces finally falling into place as you realize why he is repeating the word pain. He wants you to hurt yourself.

After countless days spent in this chair, you know there are sensor spikes situated all around the helmet. They serve a dual purpose of relaying information while also keeping the helmet steady in one place over your head. But these sensors are sharp enough to injure someone, because you watched Levitt accidentally cut himself on one a few days ago. Which is why you quickly tip your head to the side and scratch the spike along the side of your head, something warm and wet dripping down the side of your face as you cry out in pain. But you don't stop there. You lift your head and move again, dragging the spike through the already open wound, injuring yourself further, repeating the process over and over again until Anders finally growls in frustration, “Enough. Send her back to her cell.”

Levitt nods and retrieves the disciples, and when he broaches the subject of bandaging the cut on your head, Anders says something about letting Gabriel do it before he storms out of the room. Levitt gives you an apologetic look as two disciples lift you and half carry you from the room, your feet dragging beneath you, but you don't have the energy to care, already drained from your fight against the machine and the pain you had to cause yourself. You are escorted back to your room quickly, Gabriel standing as you are pulled into the room. His eyes find the black blood on the side of your face with ease, his expression shifting to one of horror. “What happened to her?”

The two guards plop you onto your mattress and attempt to leave again, but Gabriel grabs the closest one and spins around, pushing them against the wall. “What did you do to her?”

The second disciple grabs Gabriel and pulls him away from his partner harshly, Gabriel stumbling in an attempt to keep his balance, and the disciple snaps, “She did it to herself, doctor. First disciple Anders said you can clean her up.”

He reaches into a pouch at his side and grabs a small first aid kit, which he tosses at Gabriel before both men turn and leave the room. Gabriel scoops it up and closes the space between you. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” You wave your hand, trying to push away his concern. But his worry persists as he reaches out to gently grasp your chin, tilting your head so he can get a look at the cut down the side of your face. “Did you do this to yourself?”

“Yes.” He cuts you a look, so you add, “I had a reason.”

“What reason could there possibly be to do this?”

He reaches into the first aid kit and begins pulling out supplies, including a suture kit. Your eyes dart from his busy hands to the cameras in the corners of the room, wondering how much you can say. You tilt your head down, keeping it low so they can’t see your lips moving, and you drop your voice to a nearly inaudible level. “They’re watching, but Clarke isn't the Key.”

“What do you mean?”

“They think she's important because she has the Flame in her head, but they never went far enough into Octavia’s memories to see that it was for a couple of hours on one day over a hundred years ago. If they find out the truth, we’re all dead.”

Gabriel looks at you in alarm, careful to keep his head low too as he preps the sutures. “And the cut…”

“Was to beat the machine. Anders was in the room today and I couldn't keep him out of my head. This was the only way to do it.”

Gabriel nods once, letting you know he understands, before tipping your head back into the light, giving him a better look at your wound. As he begins to stitch you up, the cut starting near your temple and dragging back and down into your hairline, he mutters, “How long can you keep this up before they realize you’re no use to them and kill you?”

“As long as they think Clarke is the Key, they won't risk losing me.”

“I don't like this.”

“I don't either, but it's the only way for me to keep all of us safe. We have to figure out how to get off of Bardo before it’s too late.”

Gabriel nods, lost in thought, probably working on a plan to get all of you out of here. He finishes up your stitches, checks over the wound and cleans it up a little more before nodding with satisfaction. “Okay, you’re good to go.”

“Thank you, Gabriel.”

He glances at you, a smile on his face as he repacks the first aid kit. “No thank yous needed, cielito.”

You smile at the nickname and lean back into your bed, the drama of the day starting to catch up to you. You feel exhaustion weighing heavy on your lids, dragging them down, and before Gabriel can say another word, you’re already fast asleep.

The next morning, you are dragged right back into M-Cap, this time a little harsher than before. Anders is in the room, and Levitt is gone, replaced by a different man, but you know better than to ask why. You can only hope they haven't done something to him. As you are led over to the M-Cap chair, you work hard to keep your expression neutral and hide the fear that you feel creeping up your spine. They lock you down in the chair, attaching every restraint, which they have never done before.

Once you are held down and the machine is up and running, the new man turns to you, his expression blank, and asks the same question Levitt used to ask you. “You're in an endless desert with a vast purple sky. A hand reaches out for your own. Whose is it?”

Your mind starts to cycle through faces and memories, and you feel your anxiety spike, not even wanting Anders to get the neural link engaged. Which is why you jam your head wound into the sensor spike again, dragging down the wound and breaking Gabriel’s stitches, just like Clarke did years ago in Mount Weather. Your pain levels rise, blocking the machine from engaging with your mind, and Anders breaks his calm nature long enough to growl, “Try again.”

With your pain levels on the rise, you decide to combine the two methods to beat the machine, and you scrape the sensor over your wound as you repeat, “Tell me about the stars, tell me about the stars, tell me about the stars.”

Anders keeps you in the room for hours, trying to get through to your brain, before he finally gives up and sends you back to your room with a group of angry disciples. Gabriel stitches your wound again when you return, his look disapproving, though you know he doesn't mean it. He just hates that you have to bear the weight of this on your own. Just like Clarke, you are now bearing it so they don't have to.

That night, when you’re laying in bed and Gabriel is asleep, you start to realize that maybe the reason the phrase doesn't work well for you is because you aren't concentrating on it enough. But the problem with concentrating on it is the slew of memories associated with the phrase, memories that Anders can use to link you to the machine and forcefully dig through your mind. But maybe, if you use the same phrase in Trigedasleng, your mind will have to focus on it and the translation more. There’s only one memory associated with the Trigedasleng translation, when you and Bellamy were watching a brewing civil war from the windows of a tower in Polis. But fighting one memory is much easier than fighting the countless others you have of Bellamy asking you to tell him about the stars.

The next day, as soon as the disciples come to take you, you begin your chanting. “Tel ai hashta skaifaya. Tel ai hashta skaifaya.Tel ai hashta skaifaya.Tel ai hashta skaifaya.”

You focus on the words, the translation, making sure it’s correct each time you say it, which gives Wanlida time to close the door to your memories, locking them away where Anders and the others can't reach them. You repeat the words the whole way to M-Cap, you repeat them as they strap you down, you repeat them as they try to probe your mind again. And after another long day of attempts, you come out on the other side successful. Your memories are safe, your stitches in tact, and the knowledge of the Flame is still safely tucked away.

The process repeats for the next few days as they try to break you and get back into your head, but with a combination of pain and your mantra, they never even successfully link the machine to your mind. By day 3, you’re feeling pretty proud of yourself when you are delivered back to your shared room with Gabriel, a smile on your face, which he quickly takes note of. “I have seen you smile like that since Skyring.”

You feel a wave of guilt when you realize that you’re smiling so soon after losing Bellamy, your brain temporarily forgetting that he isn't back on Sanctum with Clarke. He’s dead and gone, and you’re smiling like nothing happened. Your expression quickly drops, and Gabriel seems to regret saying anything. You don't want him to think it's his fault, because it's not, which is why you answer his question anyways. “I beat the machine again.”

“And you didn’t rip out your stitches to do it.”

You nod and he smiles, just as proud. He’s about to ask you something when the door to the room pulls open and no less than 10 guards file into the room, walking towards you. The air in the room is menacing, and you get a sudden thought that this is it. You were wrong about them needing you. You outlived your usefulness, and now they’re here to kill you. At least your memories will die safely along with you. Gabriel must have the same fear that you're about to die, because as soon as they reach for you, he starts to yell and fight. “Leave her alone!”

You watch him knock two guards aside, and you do the same, hitting the man to your left in the throat, choking him. You twist your arm out of the other man’s grip before grabbing his helmet and curling our fingers beneath the seam, grasping at the safety latch that keeps the helmet in place. You find it easily, removing the helmet from the man’s head and using it as a weapon to knock him out.

You can hear the grunt of fighting behind you, and you turn around to see Gabriel struggling with a circle of guards around him, all of them tugging, pulling, and grabbing at him. You start to attack them from behind, knocking them back one by one, but just as you start to get the upper hand, more disciples flood into the room. You feel someone yank on your arm hard, and someone else’s fist connects with your face, knocking you off balance. You manage to catch yourself at the last second, only to be tackled to the floor, someone pressing down on your back and pushing your face into the floor as they work to restrain you.

You feel a pair of cuffs latch around your wrists before you are harshly yanked back to your feet, gravity making you realize that blood is now dripping from your stitched up cut. The black liquid runs down the side of your face and neck, disappearing beneath your shirt, as you turn to face the door. There Anders stands, looking over you and Gabriel both, a disapproving look on his face. “See? Their bonds need to be broken, otherwise they will never be like us.”

You look at Gabriel in alarm, blood dripping from his nose, a bruise already blooming around his eye, both of you sharing a look of fear. Anders motions to the guards holding you, pointing them towards the door. “One day, you will both understand. As will the others.”

You are being led towards the door, and at the mention of your friends, you start to fight. “The others? What about them? What do you mean?”

You've heard no mention of them in ages, and both you and Gabriel know that asking about them is useless, because they'll never tell you anything. Anders shakes his head in disappointment at the frantic tone of your voice at the mention of your friends. “You are all so attached. That is not our way. We have to break your bonds, and there's only way to do that.”

And then he motions for your guards to take you out the door. You start fighting against them, trying to get back to Gabriel and the safety of your cell, but they hold you and him tight, both of you fighting uselessly to escape. “Gabriel! Don't let them kill me! Gabriel!”

He screams back, his voice just as desperate, “Cielito! I'll find you! Just don't fight them!”

You heed his words, letting some of the fight drain from your body, suddenly aware that you’re wasting your energy on them. It’s useless to try to escape in this moment, and you could need your energy later if things get worse, which you are starting to suspect they will. So you drop your fighting down to a milder level, mostly allowing the disciples to carry you off, your mind and eyes taking in everything around you. They lead you to the elevator and direct it to the sixth floor, one that you haven't been to before. You rack the map in your brain, trying to figure out where they're taking you, but the only thing you can remember on this floor is the adolescent training, and you’re sure that can't be where you’re going.

But sure enough, they lead you to a door labeled “training” and hit the button, the door sliding open to reveal a large room, a gray mat stretched across the floor. Inside of the room is a group of people, and they all turn towards you at the sound of the door opening, the disciple on your left announcing, “Sorry to interrupt. First Disciple Anders wanted her to join the other trainees.”

Your brows pull together in confusion, your mind convinced ten seconds ago that you were being led to death. But instead they brought you to training? You shift your gaze over to the trainees, and the crowd parts a little, revealing four familiar faces that you haven’t seen in a couple of weeks. Your jaw drops in shock as your eyes move over the four women: Octavia, Echo, Diyoza, and Hope, all of them staring back at you in happy surprise. Octavia is the first to break the silence, her voice full of happiness as she looks at you and whispers, “La lune.”

next chapter

#the 100 #the 100 rewrite #bellamy blake #bellamy blake x reader #bellamy blake fanfiction

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songofsaraneth · 4 years ago

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Ok now that I have time/space to breathe again, I wanted to do a writeup on the unusual reaction I had to the second Covid vaccine dose. I debated posting this, because I don't want to go against the "I was vaccinated and it's fine!" encouragement train. And I 1000% encourage EVERYONE to get vaccinated if possible. But I have not seen much documentation of the averse symptom I got, except in some case studies I specifically looked up so details below. Big TMI/gross warning however.

Mostly I'm posting this because I had to do SO much self-advocating/arguing with the Dr at my urgent care clinic, and if you're not as read up on weird medical issues as I am, you might not be comfortable doing that. But IANAD, just describing my experience and what I read, which ended up being very long because it was awful and I have a lot to complain about I guess, sorry.

Basically: for me the vaccine triggered an inflammation response, which in itself is normal. The usual muscle aches/joint pain/slight fever. It also triggered an outbreak of ulcers in my soft tissues. Basically, a bunch of canker sores in my mouth/throat. I am already prone to getting these when I get sick or stressed out, so no biggie, annoying and painful but I could handle them. Canker sores are distinct from cold sores in that they form inside the mouth as crater spots, usually around the size of a pencil eraser (though can be bigger or smaller), and will develop a white film across the crater as they develop and start to heal.

An unfortunate fact I have learned: the mouth is not the only exposed “soft tissue” of the body. this group also includes genitals.

So 2 days after the vaccine I noticed a "burning sensation"/rawness downstairs, which turned into a sharp pain, especially when going to the bathroom. I obviously knew this was abnormal and because of what was happening in my mouth, had a pretty firm idea of what was happening, but was ready to brace myself through the healing process. However by day 5 I had 8 red, crater-like sores on the tissue of my vulva. Essentially they are open wounds, and urine is an acid, so you can imagine the hell that using the bathroom had become. Even just sitting hurt.

As someone healthcare-averse, even I knew this was untenable, and went to Urgent Care for the first time in my adult life. I told the NP what was going on, how they matched the canker sores (NOT cold sores) in my mouth in onset/form--and she immediately, without even looking, diagnosed me with herpes.

Lots of people have herpes or other STIs, and that's fine. I know I do not have any, and wanted to pursue treatment for what I was sure they were--Non-sexually acquired genital ulceration (NSGU). I had even found three case studies of COVID patients who had developed them. I had spent several harrowing hours on google images making sure that the sores I had did not match any STI I may have magically acquired during a year of social distancing. I even brought up multiple case studies, including a woman who had them as a Covid reaction in a neighboring state. Didn’t matter. She looked at them and went “Yikes! Herpes!” and prescribed me:

1) an antiviral, which I said I did not think would do anything because the trigger for this was a vaccine not an illness. She said it was probably a herpes flare up already in my system. I reiterated that I have had similar sores in my mouth since childhood and that all my past doctors and dentists agreed it was not viral but something related to an immune response. She said the antivirals should clear them up in a few days.

2) a topical 5% lidocaine ointment, aka an oral grade numbing gel, which was essentially what I was after anyway.

I would have preferred a steroid course to the antiviral, but agreed to start taking them until she got the results of the bloodwork I needed to come in the next day for. I asked how many days after taking them I would expect to see a difference/if she would reevaluate treatment if they didn’t have an effect in a certain amount of time, and she said if they hadn’t cleared up by Monday then she’d look into other causes (spoiler, they did nothing in that 4 day span). to her credit, when she saw me pick up my bike helmet (because my car had been at the mechanic for a month by then), she was properly horrified that i was having to bike everywhere with this situation and printed off some coupons/called all the prescriptions into the grocery store pharmacy next door instead of the CVS my insurance likes a mile away.

So eventually I got home and took my pill & went to put on the ointment so I could use the bathroom for the first time in 8 hours. I’ll spare you the details but suffice to say I had an extremely, overwhelmingly painful 10 minutes of application. Like absolutely awful burning feeling. However once that faded, I was indeed actually numb, and so I figured it was worth it. Got my bloodwork done on Friday (biking there & home again). On Saturday, I thought that you know, maybe a prescription anesthetic shouldn’t be doing that or at least have some sort of warning? And read the details on the jar.

Good things about lidocaine: it is a powerful numbing agent and lasts pretty well for an hour or two.

Bad things about lidocaine: you cannot get oral grade lidocaine without added mint flavoring.

I happen to be EXTREMELY sensitive to mint. Like I still can’t handle breath mints or mouthwash, and used bubblegum flavored toothpaste until I was 14 and found a brand with half as much mint flavoring as is typical. Even if you’re not, mint has no business being anywhere near genital tissue. Even on an average person that could cause awful burning. to make a long saga shorter I had a very frustrating back-and-forth with urgent care involving many rerouted phone trees, visit in person, unhelpful receptionists, and attempts to find over-the-counter alternatives. All were fruitless so I just suffered all weekend until the urgent care Nurse Practitioner called me back on Monday and was suitably apologetic/outraged about the mint thing, and looked up every OTC product that might work as a substitute, since she couldn’t find any prescription level without mint. On Tuesday she called back again having found this:

It’s 4%, so just below prescription strength, while not oral grade, it’s actually fine for soft tissues as long as not fully ingested/internally applied. And most importantly, ABSOLUTELY NO ADDED FLAVORINGS. there is also a spray version that comes in a bottle, which under no circumstances should you try because it uses alcohol as a propellant and I had a very bad 5 minutes after testing that one. But the cream one is fine and brings blessed numbness in around 5 minutes with only minimal contact pain--they are still open wounds after all.

I use this for the next 7 days. By this point the sores have gotten worse and larger, and then started to heal and shrink again. Mouth canker sores go through a similar ~2 week process, so this is about what I expected.

Finally the results of my bloodwork came back, and I was negative for all STIs. The NP was dumbfounded and apologized, and agreed to look up more information/treatment options for cases like this in the future. I’m not surprised her reaction was to assume herpes as it IS very common, but I’m sure other women experience NSGU’s and receive improper treatment. If you look them up, they’re even mentioned as being predominantly a problem for “young or prepubescent women” which, reading between the lines--it’s not that these become less likely if you’re older or sexually active. Doctors just make assumptions and don’t always look past the easy answers.

So if you or someone you know ends up with these--from the Covid vaccine or as a complication of upper respiratory infections in general (as they ARE an immune response and can just Happen to you)--here is what works as treatment. If you can see a doctor you trust, still do that. But if they don’t listen or if for some reason you can’t seek treatment, here is the course of action I recommend:

Pick up that over-the-counter Pain Relief+Lidocaine NON MINTY numbing cream ASAP. Sores go from “annoying” to “excruciating” in only 3 days, so it’s best to get in person or with rush shipping. Sit in front of a mirror and gently apply with a q-tip, and wait 5 minutes for the medicine to take effect.

Pat gently dry with toilet paper, don’t make wiping motions. If you don’t feel clean enough, pat more with a wet washcloth and rinse it out, or hope in the shoer for 5 min just to rinse.

There may be pus or reside from the ointment that doesn’t go away with just rinsing. Every 2 days I made a half-strength bath of epsom salts, NUMBED FULLY, and then took a 10 minute bath to fully cleanse the area. the salt will sting terribly if you wait any longer, so I recommend standing and rinsing after this time.

The vulva is more exposed to air than the mouth. this may cause the sores to crack/bleed as they dry out. to avoid this, after using the restroom and cleaning yourself, you can apply a thick coating of Aquaphor on top of the sores. It will need to be rinsed off before you apply more numbing cream however, so if that is too many steps I recommend just using the Aquaphor overnight.

You may think its ok to get up in the middle of the night to pee without the numbing cream bc you have to go really bad and just once will be fine but it is NOT you will REGRET IT.

Unfortunately if you have sores on both sides you may develop what is known as “kissing sores”, aka sores directly opposite each other that touch when the area is not spread open. this means that after an extended period of time (overnight), the sores will try to heal into each other and opening the area back up painfully rips the tissue apart. INStEAD of ripping them apart, take a washclosh, run it under warm water, and do a hot/warm compress on the area. this will loosen the sores back up and separate them painlessly.

This is not exclusive to people with a vulva, they can also happen on scrotal/anal tissue. However it does seem to much more frequently affect people with typical XX sex organs.

If you develop these, PLEASE fill out an averse reaction form or your country’s equivalent. Also, I’m so sorry and if you need emotional support or have questions please feel free to get in touch.

Most likely, these will not happen to you--the vast majority of vaccinated people have not had this as a side effect. But it IS popping up more and more, and it is good to know about it in advance so you can be prepared to deal with and treat it without as much anxiety and all the hoops I had to jump through to get good care. Overall I’m still glad to be vaccinated, but if I had known this was a side effect, as someone already prone to canker sores I would have waited to vaccinate until my car was fixed a week later a the very least :|

#covid #covid vaccine #averse vaccine reaction #nsgu #ive got my finger on the block button for whatever pornbots this post activates do not try me #anyway #gross warning sorry :( if u dont want to know about my tmi personal health dont read this one #ramblings #wharglbargle #i dont wish these on anyone i cant describe what an awful experience this all was #tried to be more humerous bout it in the post but i cried p much nonstop at urgent care and many of the days after #long post #plagueblogging #still better than getting covid and dying tho so

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likeholymary · 4 years ago

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— one with the force

the phantom menace ii: 4.6k words

AU: What if the Clone Wars never happened, but instead Darth Sidious cast aside the Rule of Two, forging a new way for the Sith and began amassing an army of Sith warriors to overthrow the Jedi and the Republic?

A/N: (not my gif) (excerpt below is from The Clone Wars: Wild Space by Karen Miller, slightly altered to fit the story). hello beautiful friends! the beautiful gif credit goes to @pixelahsoka. this chapter has a LOT of content so just keep that in mind! also, kind of cheesy ending but whatever, hehe. also, yes, to confirm, obi-wan and rhea are a force dyad. however, it will (hopefully) be better than the sequels, bc i felt like it just came out of nowhere. their romance will be a slow-burn to them actually accepting it, with them still being at least semi-romantical along the way, so look forward to that! this chapter is filled with a lot of fluff, and a very angsty ending. this is the last chapter set during the phantom menace, so the next chapter will be set during attack of the clones, where most of the AU aspect will begin to pick up! comment below or send me an ask if you would like to join the taglist and be notified about the upcoming chapters! again, i am so grateful that you are even reading this, and if you feel compelled to do so, please reblog this post so your mutuals can read it as well! i love you all:) masterlist

mentions: death, blood, fighting, MAJOR angst, force connection, sadness.

The Master and Apprentice began their departure from the Jedi Temple on their Naboo, and Obi-Wan did not think it wise.

Not after the Dathomirian man had appeared on that Maker-forsaken dustball with a red lightsaber, which only meant one thing – the Sith had returned.

He breathed in the pale glow of the planet’s moon, not taking time to look up and watch the stars glitter above, instead making short strides behind Qui-Gon, the shadow of the Naboo ship creeping its way across to cover them in more darkness, further darkening Obi-Wan’s mood and attitude towards the continuation of this ill-fated mission.

Having just left the council’s chambers, he felt immense frustration, not only at the council, but at his Master as well. Not only was he ready to face the Jedi Trials which the council seemed to be denying him the right to, now his Master was all too eager to take on the latest lifeform they had picked up on their Naboo adventures, a boy believed to be the Chosen One by his Master.

Not only was the boy too old, but Obi-Wan could sense it just as the council had – a great fear was buried deep within this Anakin Skywalker. A fear that was all consuming, and was growing slowly within him since they had left Tatooine and the boy’s mother behind.

Why could his master not sense it as he and the council did? Did he just assume ignorance for the possibilities to witness the forthcoming of a prophecy? He never understood his Master’s obsession with the old Jedi prophecies. It was an area of interest he sorely lacked, something that he felt put a strain on his relationship with Qui-Gon, something he realized that Qui-Gon probably wished Obi-Wan was intrigued by, but both of them knew that their Master-Apprentice relationship would never be like that of Dooku and Qui-Gon.

Rhea, however, had been Dooku’s apprentice and shared a similar, if not less, affinity for the supernatural and old ways of the Jedi. Perhaps he could pay her a visit once his mission was completed, or even send her a message over their datapads like they used to before they got increasingly more busy as padawans.

Surprise began to grow in him when he saw Rhea standing on the platform beside the ship. She had been waiting on him. As Qui-Gon began to speak to Anakin privately, Obi-Wan ran over to her with a small grin on his face. He should have known she would be here, for every time he simply thought of her, it seemed she was always nearby, as if she were watching over him.

“What are you doing here?” He beamed.

Obi-Wan couldn’t help but notice the blush dusting her cheeks, even in the shadow of the ship.

“I couldn’t just let you leave without saying goodbye, now could I?”

“You said goodbye to me before the council meeting.”

Rhea rolled her eyes, groaning in annoyance before she began to simper quietly, punching him in the shoulder. “Well, yes, but I couldn’t give you this in front of the council, now could I?” She held out her arms, opening them in anticipation for one of their rare hugs. When they were younglings, it was of course more sociably acceptable for them to embrace, however as the years began to pass and after many scoldings from each of their masters, they hid it away for special occasions or the few moments they would ever share alone, which were few and far between.

Obi-Wan buried his face in her shoulder, breathing in the sort of meadowy scent she always seemed to carry, as if she were the greatest meadow within the galaxy, filled with thousands of flowers constantly doused by the warm air and golden sunshine, only to be damped by a cool spring rain. She was a wonder, in his eyes.

Rhea’s arms wrapped around his neck as he lifted his head so he could carefully place his chin on top of her head, ever so sweetly. She equally breathed him in, sighing as she inhaled the overwhelming musk of rain, leather and perhaps even some old oak and a few of his dusty books. He always did become overly invested in his new findings, nose deep in his studies, but she wouldn’t have it any other way.

The two stood there for but a moment, taking every part of each other in as if it were the last time they would see each other, and to Rhea, she felt like it was.

“Promise.. promise you’ll come back?” Obi-Wan pulled away, simpering down at her with a twinkle in his eyes.

“When have I ever not?”

Rhea scowled for a second, her face quickly softening once more. “Just promise me, you idiot.”

“Fine, I promise you, dearest.”

She rolled her eyes at the nickname, breathing out a short laugh, before launching herself further into his arms, her fingers lacing through his shortly buzzed hair. Now for this, well, she wasn’t sure what Master Windu would have to say if he saw her like this, but she knew that it would be a deep scolding. It seemed so stupidly forbidden for her to just be lacing her fingers through his hair, but she paid no mind to the Jedi Code in the moment.

Rhea was his dearest, and he her Ben, and yet, the pain of the loss of her Master still fresh on her mind, reminded her why she could not become attached to this overly-complex relationship the two padawans shared.

It’s time to let go.

And yet, she couldn’t. And neither could he.

╔═━────━▒ ۞ ▒━────━═╗

Obi-Wan Kenobi sat on the Queen’s ship while they flew through hyperspace back to Naboo. It seemed such a foolish idea to be returning to the invaded planet, but he did as he was told just as he always did, and followed the willful lead of his master. They were but a small force, two Jedi, a Queen and a handful of her people. What could they really do? If the Sith really had returned, could they really defeat them as well as an entire army?

The Queen had suggested they call upon the aid of the Gungans, but Obi-Wan questioned if that would work as well. The Gungans seemed to have a deeply seeded hatred for the people of Naboo, as it was obvious that in the past the former had treated the other like insolent fools. He wasn’t sure that he could disagree after spending so much time around Jar Jar Binks.

A light bit of laughter echoed in his mind, and it sounded like Rhea. He must have just imagined talking to her, Rhea giggling at his comments and avidly agreeing while coming up with her own quippy comment.

Obi-Wan could not help but miss the girl.

Alone in his small room aboard the ship, he tried closing his eyes so as to meditate, folding his hands together as he crossed his legs, breathe in, breathe out.

But she was still there.

Get out of my head.

He thought almost mockingly, knowing that she surely couldn’t be listening to his thoughts from such far a distance.

Why don’t you get out of mine, Ben?

Obi-Wan was shaken. There was absolutely no way-

I’m still here. Could you help me get out? You’re thinking about me too much, and I’m a little offended that you’re annoyed of my presence.

Obi-Wan then snapped his eyes open, and there sitting in front of him was none other than his dearest, greatest life companion, Rhea Illyria, with a smile of a thousand stars.

╔═━────━▒ ۞ ▒━────━═╗

Rhea Illyria sat on her bed in her quarters inside the Jedi Temple, breathing in, breathing out, as she performed her daily morning meditation. She knew many other padawans and younglings who hated the act of meditation, but she found it rather peaceful, a time to focus on the energy of the Force, to feel it moving around her and all other life forms.

She, however, became momentarily distracted by the thought of Obi-Wan Kenobi and his departure back to Naboo. She sighed, wishing she could have gone with him. There was something in the Force, something that felt like a warning about the planet of Naboo, and those who invaded. No, not the invaders... The ones controlling the invaders, pulling the strings. Who were they? The Sith? Or was it something... something much greater and evil in all forms and aspects?

Rhea worried for Obi-Wan and his mission, and she couldn’t help the thoughts consuming her not only of the danger of his mission, but of the padawan and their untold and unseen embrace.

However, there was a nagging feeling in her gut. The Force pulling her towards something... No, someone.

She could just reach out, and suddenly her eyes were meet with the galaxy, planets dancing by as the stars glimmered all around her. She was walking among them, slowly, as if moving through the tides of the deepest oceans.

Breathe in, breathe out. What is the Force pushing you towards?

Rhea could see something ahead, a silver shape slowly getting closer as she continued to wade her way through stars and the black dusts of the galaxy.

Someone was thinking intensely. Someone was annoyed.

She couldn’t help but giggle at the notion of the Gungans being quite unintelligent creatures, or at least Jar Jar Binks, the creature someone was thinking about.

The closer Rhea got to the shape, she noticed it took the form of the ship from Naboo, the ship that carried its queen, the ship that carried him.

Someone was Obi-Wan.

This had to be some dream, she thought. She must have drifted into some sleep while she was meditating. But at the same moment she drifted through space, she breathed in, and could feel the sheets of her bed curl around her fingers, sense the starflower in the corner of her window, could smell the caf she so desperately needed each day after her meditations.

Despite trying to refocus on her true surroundings, Rhea became lost in the stars once more when something pushed back against her.

Get out of my head.

Rhea huffed, and began to more faster, willing the stars around her to move, to allow her closer access to the ship. She continued to wade and move through slowly, yet determined.

Why don’t you get out of mine, Ben?

She could feel his confusion, and despite her own, she couldn’t help but find some joy in this strange place. How she was able to drift through the stars to the other padawan was certainly not a normal occurrence among the Jedi, nor within the Force.

He couldn’t believe she was there either. He was thinking about her, thinking about how he missed her, which tugged at something within her she had never noticed before.

Her fingers finally grace the cool metal of the ship, however, they moved through its surface, and she was able to pass through, allowing the Force to guide her to her dear friend.

At the same time, he became frustrated by her presence distracting him from his own meditation.

I’m still here. Could you help me get out? You’re thinking about me too much, and I’m a little offended that you’re annoyed of my presence.

She was no longer floating within the ship, and instead now found herself grounded, sitting cross legged across Obi-Wan.

╔═━────━▒ ۞ ▒━────━═╗

“Ho-how are you even here? I must be dreaming, there is no way that this could possibly be real. I mean, have you ever read about Jedi being able to communicate with each other over vast distances such as this? This is simply impossible!” Obi-Wan rambled, tugging at his chin, brow furrowed as his mouth gaped slightly at the sight of Rhea.

She however, rolled her eyes, unamused this time by his consistent desire for the knowledge of just about everything. This had to be under the category he loved the least, and she treasured the most – the supernatural ongoings of the Force.

“Ben!” She finally shouted, smacking him on his forehead to get his attention.

This brought Obi-Wan to attention, but also caused both padawans to touch their forehead and hand respectively.

“How did you do that!” “How did I do that?”

Rhea and Obi-Wan were, to say the least, perplexed and befuddled by the situation before them. Obi-Wan, deciding the best course of action was to hypothesize how this anomaly could have occurred in the Force, decided they should each ask one another questions regarding just how this had happened.

“What were you doing when this,” he motioned between them, “happened?” Rhea bit her bottom lip, furrowing her brow just as he had. “I was meditating. It’s morning back at the Temple, so I was doing my morning meditations...” Obi-Wan’s hand remained on his chin, his forefinger rubbing incessantly across his upper lip.

“As was I. Continue, please,” he spoke so softly, she almost wondered if he was trying to be quiet so no one would hear them and come looking.

“Well, my meditations were interrupted by thoughts of you.” Obi-Wan paused his menstruations, his eyes darting to meet hers.

“You were thinking about me?”

“Well, yes–” “Why?” She grew flustered, a growing pain pounding in her chest, sharp and yet harsh. Her hands began to sweat as she started to wring them out like some old tunic on washing day, her eyes swooping to avoid his ever piercing-blue gaze.

“I don’t know, why were you thinking about me!” She retorted.

It was one of the few times Obi-Wan got speechless and she could not help but gleam with pride at catching his tongue. She knew this trait would probably die with age, the older her got the further he became closer to the title of a silver tongued master, however she knew she would look back on this moment and know she had trumped him at his own game.

“I–” However, he never got a singular thought out, as Qui-Gon began to shout Obi-Wan’s name like he were some incessant father trying to find his son after a long game of hide-and-go-seek.

Obi-Wan cursed under his breath, a moment of panic coursing through him, but when he looked back from the door to Rhea, she was gone, and he once again was alone, feeling a strange and overwhelming sense of sadness.

╔═━────━▒ ۞ ▒━────━═╗

Rhea tried to continue her day as usual, but her gut instinct inside of her told her that there was something more to her apparent Force projection than it just being that. No... she knew there was something more to this event that had just occurred in not only her life, but Obi-Wan’s. Everything felt like it was going to change.

Unfocused in her training with Mace Windu, he scolded her throughout the day, noting her lack of focus and charging her with consistent complaints about her lack of balance.

How could she feel balanced? How was she supposed to feel balance after she lacked control over her own capabilities through the Force? How could she feel balance when it had alluded her since the day her Master abandoned her for a life without her as his apprentice?

How could she feel balance without anyone there to guide her? “The Force, guide you, it will.”

Rhea nearly ran over Master Yoda who now stood in the Temple’s halls in front of her, smiling just as knowingly as he had every day she could remember.

“Master Yoda, I didn’t see you there.” “Loud your thoughts are. Many things on your mind, are there not?”

Rhea could not help but feel guilty and caught. Surely though, Master Yoda could be the one to help her. She had so many questions weighing her down, aching to be asked, and yet she felt ashamed to even think them to herself. Now, it seemed that there were those who were listening.

“Master, I just feel so lost.”

Yoda hummed, chuckling to himself as if he held all the secrets of the world to himself and would just become amused by the ongoings of the beings around him.

“Come with me, you will.” Yoda motioned for her to follow him, as he guided her toward the meditation room. He sat down on a small chair meant for younglings, and she sat adjacent from him, not really knowing if a meditation session was going to help. After all, it’s what got her into this conundrum.

“Close you eyes. Focus not on your surroundings, but the Force.”

Rhea breathed in, breathed out, closing her eyes as she began to let go of her surroundings, allowing them to fade away.

“See what is in the Force that troubles you, and tell me what it is.”

She wasn’t sure if she should reach out again. What if she connected with another Jedi like she had with Obi-Wan? But surely, that would not happen. She had been thinking of him, just as she was now.

Images then began to flow through her mind. A beautiful green planet under siege by the droid armies of the Separatists, a cloaked man with a red lightsaber watching over her as she slept, Dooku the day he left her without even looking behind, her connection with Obi-Wan earlier that morning, him falling...

“I see the droid armies invading Naboo.. A Sith watching over me. Dooku leaving the Jedi Order.... and..”

“More there is?”

“Yes..” Rhea whispered, but she couldn’t focus on the grainy voice of Yoda. She kept reaching out, as if pulling the Force towards her like a rope, trying to yank it so it would release all of its secrets it was holding from her.

And into the Force she fell.

Everything around her was blurry, she couldn’t focus on anything except the strength of the Dark Side coursing before her. It was Obi-Wan. And he had given into all of his anger and hatred, an overwhelming tsunami of darkness coating every inch of him and not it began to creep upon her, splashing her with the emotions flowing out of him.

No, he cannot give into this. She thought, watching as he fell into the pool of darkness waiting to swallow him whole.

╔═━────━▒ ۞ ▒━────━═╗

His master was dead.

Obi-Wan watched as Qui-Gon crumpled to the floor, and he screamed in agony as he was trapped behind the laser shield, hopelessly witnessing the death of his Master. And he could not help the growing rage and hatred that began to engulf his entire being, becoming greater with each second as he practically jumped, ready for the laser shield to move so he could slaughter this hunter before him, this Sith, this darkness.

His face twitched, his mouth curling downward into a snarl, complete loathe shining in his eyes which now darkened as he turned his gaze upon the Dathomirian.

The Sith trailed before him like some wild beast waiting for its prey, stalking like some dark creature.

A moment before the laser shields even began to move once again, Obi-Wan ignited his lightsaber, seconds before a red bladed lightsaber was ignited as well. The shields moved, and Obi-Wan raised his saber, going to strike the beast of red and darkness down, going to strike for the kill out of the rage and hatred in his heart.

The darkness was consuming him, but Obi-Wan did not care. How could he care now? His master was dead, and this creature seemed a powerful foe within the Force, something that should be put down for the sake of the Republic and the safety of its citizens.... something that should pay for its crimes against the Jedi, it’s crimes against him.

He blocked every twist and twirl it made with its lightsaber, blocking its attacks by pushing back against it with more fervent and less coordinated attacks. If he could only strike it down...

Obi-Wan lifted his lightsaber, slashing through the center of its double-bladed saber, cutting the pieces in half as one went out. He flipped over the creature, slashing at his center and sorrowfully missing him by an inch.

This creature was quick, but he had to be quicker, he had to be. What would his Master say if he failed him? What would Rhea say if he were to fall, just as Qui-Gon had moments ago? He would not dare break a promise to her.

The creature kicked him in the face, but he did not let it affect him, instead holding out his lightsaber in front of him, looking for the best place to strike him down. As their blades locked, Obi-Wan gritted his teeth as he pushed against the creature, his eyes glaring deeply into those sickly-yellow ones, now pushing down against his blade. Anger filled him, and rage too, however, the Sith lifted its hand, using the Force and propelling him across the room, and into the shaft. Obi-Wan grabbed ahold of a light as he began to fall, holding on for dear life as the Sith once again began to trail above him, stalking like a creature in the night. He watched helplessly as it kicked his lightsaber down into the shaft, the weapon, his life, now falling down just as hopelessly as he felt.

Obi-Wan had to keep on holding on. He had to get back up there, he had to avenge his Master’s death.

No.

As the Sith caused sparks to rain down from above onto him, attempting to get him to lose grip and fall, Obi-Wan could hear her speaking to him.

Do not give into the darkness. Do not give into the anger or hate. Rise above.

A second voice this time came.

Trust only in the Force.

Qui-Gon.

Rise above.

And for a moment, Obi-Wan closed his eyes. Rhea was there, almost floating before him, but he couldn’t see anything around her, only she was in his mind.

I will stand together with you. Rise above.

“It occurred to Obi-Wan then, with a clarity that was startling, given the dark side hurricane howling through him, that Yoda was wrong about the dangers of attachment. Or at least that he wasn’t altogether right. It was true that attachment could weaken a Jedi’s resolve. But it could also strengthen it … as he was strengthened now by his love for Qui-Gon, and Rhea. Without them he would have failed long before this moment. And so, leaning on them, he continued to fight.”

And so, Obi-Wan opened his eyes, using the Force to propel him upwards as he jumped, landing behind the Sith and now focusing his energy, not through the Dark Side, but now back through the Force, allowing it to guide him now. Qui-Gon’s fallen lightsaber now flew into his hand as he landed, and with a swift movement of his wrist, Obi-Wan cut through the Dathomirian man, ending the terrors he had caused, as he fell down the shaft, thus causing yet another fall in the rise of the Sith.

For a moment he stood and just breathed, thanking the Force for his strength found in his love for his Master and friend.

Obi-Wan, sensing his Master’s lifeforce still flickering within him, ran to his side, cradling his head as gently as he could, holding onto some form of hope that his Master could still live.

“It’s... it’s too late.”

“No, no!”

“Obi-Wan..” Qui-Gon croaked, as best he could, the color draining from his face slowly, marking him with death as his lifeforce continued to flicker, dimming with each passing second. “Promise... promise me you will train the boy.”

“Yes, master..” Obi-Wan wept in response. Qui-Gon raise his hand to wipe his tears, and Obi-Wan rested his cheek lightly against his finger, wishing that this wasn’t the end.

“He is... the Chosen One. He will bring balance. Train him. Help him. You and Rhea must help him....”

Obi-Wan now momentarily forgot his grief, filled with confusion at the mention of his friend.

“Rhea and I? Master, what do you–”

“There is more to the prophecy than what you know..”

“What, Master, I–”

Qui-Gon hushed him, before uttering his final words. “Train him.” He uttered his final breath, and Obi-Wan, cradling him, felt as if he were destined for some infinite sadness.

╔═━────━▒ ۞ ▒━────━═╗

Rhea supposed Naboo was a truly beautiful planet, one to behold amongst the galaxy, but it seemed so bleak and somber now with the death of Master Qui-Gon Jinn.

She watched the pyre his body laid upon gather with flames that rose to meet the stars in the sky, the smoke dancing among the small lights glittering above.

Standing beside the young boy from Tatooine who introduced himself as Anakin Skywalker, she listened silently to the loss of sound in the Force that was Qui-Gon’s lifeforce. They all felt it, the small darkness that passed over them at the loss of such a wise Jedi.

Obi-Wan stood on the other side of Anakin, who looking up to him, asked, “What will happen to me now?”

“The council has granted me permission to train you. You will be a Jedi, I promise.”

Rhea still could not believe that Obi-Wan had not only become a Jedi Knight, but had also defeated and killed a Sith lord. How they had come to rise again, was still a mystery, but it caused a shroud of confusion and chaos to flow through the Force.

It was hard for Rhea to muddle through, her mind now more clouded and confused than ever, the events having transpired seeming to all be connected — Dooku leaving the Order, the Chosen One supposedly being found, the Sith returning, her bond with Obi-Wan...

It all seemed too obvious in her mind to not be connected, but Mace Windu continued to tell her to be mindful of her thoughts, even if he didn’t know of her bond with Obi-Wan, he still saw her point of view as a quick jump to conclusions.

As the procession ended and people began to filter out from the area of the funeral pyre, she stayed even as little Anakin left along with the other Jedi, staying by Obi-Wan’s side, just as she had promised.

“You’re still here.”

He said, nonchalantly, not even bothering to turn to face her.

Rhea looked up, turning her gaze to fixate on his face. He looked... tired, almost old, held down not only by exhaustion but by the overwhelming sense of loss and sadness which was now being carried by the duty he felt to honor his masters final wish.

“Just as I said I would always be. Right by your side.”

He sighed, turning to look down upon her, his blue eyes meeting with her darker ones.

“So, you really were there, speaking to me.”

“I suppose I was.”

The two were silent for a moment, simply staring into each other’s eyes as if understanding everything they wished to say. Rhea reached up, cupping his cheek softly as tears began to fall down his face.

She then got up on her tippy toes, being much shorter than him, and placed a slow kiss on his forehead, soft and lovingly and holding every hope she had within her.

Obi-Wan sighed softly, “We can’t tell anyone about this bond. Not until I have figured out what exactly it is.”

“We.”

“What?”

“Not until we have figured out what exactly it is. We’re in this together. I told you this already, but you don’t seem to be getting it through your thick skull. I stand by you. Always.”

#obi wan kenobi #obi wan kenobi x oc #obi wan star wars #obi wan kenobi fan fiction #sith obi wan #obi wan kenobi fanfic #obi wan #obi wan kenobi x reader #obi wan kenobi au #star wars #star wars au #star wars alternate universe #obi wan kenobi x original character #star wars original character #original character #obi wan kenobi imagine #star wars imagine #one with the force

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smalltragedy · 4 years ago

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* ryan destiny, cis woman + she/her | you know kira blake, right? they’re twenty four, and they’ve lived in irving for, like, ever? well, their spotify wrapped says they listened to babooshka by kate bush like, a million times this year, which makes sense ‘cause they’ve got that whole lazily stretched out in a ray of light, daisy shaped irises and daisy chain braids, performing an intricate dance to move the ocean's waves thing going on. i just checked and their birthday is october 31st, so they’re a scorpio, which is unsurprising, all things considered. ( james, 22, est, they/them )

hllo ive hd kira in my head fr a bit bt i also know ntohing abt her! this is me winging it even though i hv no right to <3 this is my third character maybe whose birthday is in honor of ella n coincidentally 2/3 of them r in this rp. yea im messy smirks sexily.

DEATH, GRIEF, DRUGS TW

mini playlist.

wuthering heights ;; kate bush / babooskha ;; kate bush / dreams ;; fleetwood mac / california dreamin’ ;; the mamas & the papas / lavender moon ;; haroula rose / time of the season ;; the zombies / after the storm ;; kali uchis / left hand free ;; alt-j / always forever ;; cults / wait a minute! ;; willow / your dog ;; soccer mommy.

statistics.

full name: kira blake

nickname(s): keely.

birthday: october 31st, 1996.

zodiac: scorpio sun, cancer moon, aquarius ascending.

mbti & temperament: esfp & catalyst / sanguine.

label: the ebullient.

sexuality: bisexual.

pinterest.

biography.

born to two original hippies which hs pretty much set up who kira is fr the rest of her life <3 the type of ppl who didnt like the boundaries of marriage n held off frm it fr as long as possible until theyd hd a spur of the moment elopement involving a celebrity impersonator at fannie’s <3 yea theyre lesbians lets go <3

nvr rly took things srsly until kira ws like 5 yrs old n then they were like ah gee ah fuck we probably shld probably settle settle. n they job hopped n worked many odd jobs until they found their footing in careers they liked n one of them probably does like. blown glass art. n the other prob fixes old computers n other ~vintage~ mementos of the past fr ppl.

they make a decent living n they live in delpinius heights n they try a few times fr another kid bt it nvr rly works out (raises an eyebrow. adopted siblings anyone?) n fr the most part kira as a child spends her time running around town and tugging on the hem of other’s shirts to ask them small favors (mostly to play a game with her)

often left unsupervised as a kid, bt not in the way tht her parents dnt care (bc her parents love her a lot a lot a lot like she is their world) bt in the way tht they simply raised her the way they were raised. running amuck all day n coming home jst in time fr dinner, front porch light always on, cat always waiting faithfully on their stoop.

pretty evident frm a young age tht kira’s mind saw things differently, in a different light - the world an array of light n mystery n sound n taste n sometimes those collided n created new experiences. prob hs some form of synsthesia bt dnt ask me which one yet. she’s a painting prodigy with an excellent understanding of color theory.

always ws known as a kind of like. rambunctious kid. a well meaning class clown who cld nt keep her mouth shut fr the life of her. grew up constantly with a yellow card beneath her name in school bt ws always well liked by her teachers n classmates alike.

jst a very bright child who did well naturally bt always ws turned more towards art.

feel like her parents very noticeably turned a cheek when she started smoking weed w the cool older kids when she ws 13. the type of person who wnts 2 b liked so bad she’d jump over a hurdle fr it. hs jumped over many hurdles n many fences n many other obstacles to be liked bt does it without breaking a sweat.

(edit: nw tht i think abt it hwevr i dnt think she does tht anymore i think while a bit of a mess atm she. likes herself. n doesnt rly want or need the approval of others anymore she jst does her own little thing. bt when she ws younger? she jst wnted 2 b friends w the entire world.)

nothing bad rly happened fr like. a good bit of her life. got into psychedelics at some point in high school n tht only heightened her artistic abilities. most of her high school art portfolio ws probably done while high bt <3 does it matter.

hd a high school sweetheart n they were pretty serious like. full on in love. a total believer of soulmates kira ws jst like. this is the one. there is nobody else i cn imagine my life with.

death tw

death tw.

death n grief tw // yea. sometime during their freshmen year of college. car incident. kira ws nvr the same though she’d like to pretend tht nothing’d ever happened. like theyd nvr existed. like she didnt plan out their entire lives together hiking thru hills n valleys n boating across various bodies of water n traveling together until they were old n wrinkly. end of death tw //

cld nt explain 2 u why kira hd bought a van n completely demolished it only to drain all of her savings remodeling it bt nw she lives in it by the beach. hd dreams of travelling the world bt cannot go long distances in a car without feeling sick. sees planes n feels envy. stopped painting fr a long time bt she’s started back up recently. took on surfing. told her parents tht it ws fine n tht she ws fine n theyre concerned bt shes always by the beach, her van rarely leaves. she’s trying her best bt its only been a few yrs n i think ppl cn sense tht shes jst nt the same cheerful girl as they once knew. end of grief tw //

anyways. tugs on my collar. tht’s kira! she lives on the beach n surfs everyday n is obsessed with daisies n is prob growing her own shrooms somewhere.

personality & facts.

always been very emotional n a little dramatic. nt a drama queen bt is a little messy n does not hv like. many rational thoughts up in there. very cup full or cup empty.

regardless though she hs an. overall reputation fr jst being. enjoyable to be around. her her little moments bt shes also pretty like. laidback. in a way. KDSHFSDLKHGHFLKSD

prob bc she smokes a lot or is often <3 on a trip if u know wht i mean <3

god. got obsessed with the 60s n 70s aesthetic at some point n hs not gone back evr. big fan of psychedelic rock. is a prodigy painter bt her life dream outside of traveling ws always to own her own record label. hs nt happened yet, maybe will never happen? works at a record shop though n does hide the good vinyls tht she wants away frm the customers.

very cheerful n usually uplifting n she doesnt like to b negative around others bt smtms she cnt control it n smtms thinks tht ppl r out 2 get her jst out of. anxiety. hs long bouts where she’ll sit in a still sort of sadness n then shake out of it n hop back into conversation like nothing’s happened bt. its fine we’re fine kira is fine.

shes not gullible or naive bt wants to believe tht everybody hs a heart of gold even if its false. keeps giving ppl second chances bc she hs a savior complex n thinks she cn change ppl.

is very into zodiac n will judge u by ur chart. knows everybody in town’s natal chart. even newcomers. it’s a little scary hw quick she finds this information bt its very important to her.

kind of like. into spirituality bt i wont lie its very surface level n a little superficial. learning tarot cards bt cannot fr the life of her memorize the meanings so smtms she jst makes up things on the spot. hs so many crystals she will not stop buying them.

i think a part of her is desperately trying to cling onto tht like. think positive. self care. msg thts super prevalent online without addressing or actually helping any of her problems. it is her flaw </3

hates to admit when she needs help. wld rather do everything herself.

head is a little in the clouds n her parents r a little concerned fr her bc shes nt rly doing much rn bt like. she jst needs time i think. shes jst doing her little thing.

does not give up on ppl easily she absolutely hates dropping ppl frm her life even if she grows 2 resent them over time which is bad bc she is bad at hiding when she is upset at someone or when she doesnt like someone.

like shes jst passive aggressive abt it n does not properly communicate <3

bt this is rare i think ... negative feelings abt other ppl

self centered bt not selfish if tht makes sense. she will do things fr others without a problem n sometimes trips over herself 2 do it bt at the end of the day i think she cares abt herself the most.

hs only been in love once bt hs hd many infatuations n many like. admirations n very surface level feelings. her body is a temple n she loves 2 b worshipped.

prob does fkn. beach yoga. probably vegan bt also maybe breaks tht every once in a while. almost noncommittal its hard 2 distinguish between her being carefree, not taking care of herself, or jst hving commitment issues? flaky or not? who knows.

feels jst a bit too strongly bt tries to contain it. jst full of multitudes or smth. idk. icon <3

like. cares bt doesnt care. does thinks tht r purposely self destructive n then acts like shes like. cool girl monologue frm gone girl. bt does it while being like peace n luv on earth x

ok thts all i hv goodbye

wanted plots.

a pseudonym 2 fool ‘em... ;; jst hd this idea pop up bt i like the idea of kira going undercover 2 expose cheaters. whether she does this on her own accord or is personally requested by smbdy is up in the air. a plottable point. she h8s cheaters n is chaotic good she prob thinks shes the relationship vigilante testing the strengths of other’s relationships. once again she cld b. specifically going undercover fr smbdy 2 help them out. im sure she wldnt go 2 very. extensive srs measures like actually. sleeping w the assumed-cheaters bt once again. world is our oyster n i lov drama?

crystal visions ... ;; once again. shes super into crystals n astrology n she will base sm of her opinions of others on it. this is nt just abt her being judgmental of others bt also jst. catching her running around in the rain trying sooo hard 2 fkn. charge her crystals in the rainwater bc she forgot 2 charge them under the full moon the night b4. this is her giving wrong tarot readings. she hs no idea wht shes doing at any given time bt acts like she does know. acts like she knows the entire world. she gives crystals as gifts n will do ur natal chart for u bt will also pack her things n leave if ur a capricorn.

time of the season... ;; i dnt knw admittedly. this song’s abt being horny so perhaps? perhaps. kira isnt rly able to keep a grasp on long term relationships rn due to. factors in her life so she hops frm person 2 person often. smtms jst flings smtms its jst a relationship accidentally led on. shes noncommittal n a little flaky atm when she’s usually ride or die fr others. perhaps this is all in the name of some good fun! world? oyster.

literally anything .dsfskhdkgs ;; god. shes so new i jst dnt know. childhood friends. current friends. friends shes hd frever. enemies n ex lovers n ppl shes constantly pushing away or scorned lovers or both or anything?? she pushed them out of the roller rink to make more room fr herself or maybe they did tht to her. perhaps theyre both constantly pursuing some sort of fkn. meaning in their lives tht they cnt quite grasp. mayb they go on an acid trip together. who knows.

#irvingintro #death tw #grief tw #car accident mention tw #drugs tw #specifically weed n psychedelics i think

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sanktnikolais · 4 years ago

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Here Without You

A/N: I’m back for a moment to drop this sort of angst piece of god and goddesses au sort of. In which they are a bit like Poseidon and Athena but not really, I just needed the rivalry bc I’m trash <3 (it doesn’t make sense I know)

Big thanks to @wafflesandkruge for giving me the idea. And for also going through and editing this long mess of words KJHASLFDJ ;-;

Basically light/vague plot, only monologues and longing.

Summary: Cursed to live on earth as humans, Zoya has been finding Nikolai in every life he gets reincarnated. But every time they meet, it is always the same: he doesn't know her. He has no memory of her or anything about their past immortal life. And in every lifetime, she is slowly losing hope. For how long could she hold onto the thought of him remembering her again? Is her love enough?

Word count: 9629

How long does it take to fall out of love with someone who can't remember you?

If there was anything that Zoya learned after being stuck in a human body for so long was that nothing was ever permanent. All of it, whether it was a physical thing or an intangible emotion, disappeared in time. Such a harsh truth, she knew, but it was the truth.

For a long time, she had waited for it to disappear, or just fade if only for a bit.

But for over a millennium, her love for him remained.

Maybe that was what had driven her to stay away instead of finding him this time. Because no matter how many times they met, or how many times their paths crossed, or how many lifetimes passed, the result would always be the same.

He would never remember her again.

It was only reasonable for her to stop hoping for the impossible to happen.

---

Athens had been slightly cold that time of the year, even with the sun high up, which was a change since she last visited.

Zoya looked around. There were quite a number of tourists visiting today, bustling around the site and taking photos of the scenery. She almost chuckled at the silliness of it. If today had been some other time before, the sight would've been better when the temple was still intact. But looking up at it now, in its ruined state, only brought haunting memories of their last stand against their common enemy before everything fell apart around them.

Minnie? His voice echoed in her mind, along with the image of the worry and terror in his eyes as he knelt on the floor, trying to reach for her. What's wrong?

She shook her head, harshly shoving the memory away. But the sight of him vanishing after was already branded into her mind as if to remind her of her failure.

The coldness of the small piece of metal in her hand was enough to bring her back, and Zoya pressed it harder against her palm until it hurt. Better this pain than the one in the past.

With a shaky breath, she made her way through the rubble of what once had been a divine place made by the people for the god of the seas. She remembered how much he appreciated the place, how much he took care of it during the old days they were still all in peace.

He grinned, the one that reached his eyes and made them bright. His arms were spread wide. “She’s a beauty, isn’t she?” he said, gesturing to his newly built temple.

She merely raised an eyebrow at him. “Mine is definitely better,” she countered with a sneer. “And besides, yours wouldn’t even be there if I hadn’t allowed it.”

“Guess I owe you my reputation, then?”

“Obviously, so stop being a show off.”

Then he winked, and she didn’t like the way it made her heart skip a beat. “Only for you, dear.”

The memory faded.

It was then she realized that he never got to see what she had done to his temple. If he saw it now, what would he feel?

Nothing, her cruel mind said. He doesn't remember anymore.

"Am I really waiting for nothing?" she said bitterly, not minding the weird stares she got from a nearby group.

Zoya reached the entrance of the front hall. It faced the seas, a view which he had never grown tired of. And seeing it from here, she figured that she could never really blame him.

The cliff from where the temple was built gave a wide view of the sea, stretching as far as it could until the other end that could be seen was only the horizon. Its glow of a mix of green and blue blended well with the afternoon sky, and it gave her a sense of serenity. Even if for a bit.

The seas can help us find peace, dear, his voice echoed in her mind again, unwanted and welcome at the same time. I'm sure you would appreciate it more in time.

Don’t call me dear, she had said, but it didn’t have the poison and sharpness from when they were still rivals.

Zoya felt a sad smile twitch on her lips. She did appreciate it, loved it even. An eternity with him before surely contributed to the love she had for the seas now.

But an eternity without him only made looking at them feel bittersweet. It was as if she could see him nearby, but could never reach for him nor be with him.

It was never fair.

She shook the melancholic thoughts away. She hadn't come here to lament over the things that could never be again.

Zoya opened her palm to eye the small object. It was a trident keychain she had bought from one of the souvenir stores near the site's entrance, its gold color immediately catching her eye as she had passed by.

It had become a tradition for her to leave various things by his temple whenever she visited. Whether it was of the strangest things like a water lily from a nearby pond or something like this, she always left things that reminded her of him.

It was only fair to remember him even if he didn't remember her.

"An offering to the most infuriating deity I knew," Zoya whispered, her voice breaking slightly despite the softness of her tone. Her eyes suddenly burned. She blinked rapidly, feeling a tear fall on her cheek. She reached up to wipe it away. Why now? She laughed bitterly. "I am still crying over you even after a millennium while you live and pass by without any memory of me."

She looked down to her right, where a boulder was perched on a pillar by the entrance, gently placing the trident on the surface. If only it was as easy to leave your feelings behind just as she left things in his temple.

"Sad and fascinating, isn't it?"

Zoya jolted in surprise, her hand knocking over the small trident before she could let it go completely. That voice—

But it couldn't be. It shouldn't be.

The voice continued on. "To have such a vast structure built only for it to be destroyed later," it said, "it really is tragic."

It was coming from behind her. Her breath caught in her throat, and her heart was beating erratically in her chest.

It could be anyone else, her mind berated. Stop doing this to yourself.

But hearing his voice lifetime after lifetime, she would know it from anywhere.

It was him.

Zoya released a shuddering breath, finally turning around to face him. She had seen him be reincarnated far too many times for the past two thousand years, had steeled herself from trying to run to him every time they met again. She had become better at making herself not care as the years passed.

What she could never get used to was the excruciating pain in her chest whenever she saw the person she had been longing to remember her appear in her path once more.

He still looked the same in every life, with his blond hair and hazel eyes, and that all-too-bright grin that she adored for thousands of years]. If she were to take a glance at him, it was as if nothing had changed.

But the lack of recognition and warmth in his eyes told a different story.

Were the Fates just that cruel to make their paths cross again and yet never last?

Her eyes stung again.

"I'm—" A look of worry bloomed on his face, and he held his hands up in apology. He winced. "I'm so sorry, I thought you could use some small talk. You look a bit sad earlier."

Zoya wanted to laugh. He still talked too much in every timeline he got reborn in. "It's—it's fine." She waved a dismissive hand, wiping at her eyes for a moment. "Just had something in my eyes."

If he wanted to say he wasn't convinced, he didn't bother to. He grinned and looked back up to the temple instead. "I'm really curious about this, though," he said as he approached the pillar to her left.

She drew in a sharp breath, wanting to step away and put as much distance as possible between them. But she stood her ground. She wasn't going to shy away from only that reason.

He touched the surface of the pillar and then pounded a fist on it twice. "The material looks sturdy enough to withstand a lot of calamities. But the damage looks far more than just that," he said, his eyebrows furrowing. Then he turned to her, hazel eyes curious. She found herself staring right back at them. "What do you think happened here?"

She raised an eyebrow at him. "If you're curious about it, why didn't you get one of the tour guides for your questions?"

Almost immediately, he grimaced, scratching the spot behind his ear. "I left my wallet back in the hotel I was at," he said, voice lowering with every word. "I only have enough spare cash for a bus ride back."

Zoya looked at him incredulously, and he obviously shrunk back slightly, the embarrassment still evident on his face. Still the idiot he is.

He sighed. "Well, at least I'd still be able to go back in a bus. I mean imagine walking back to your hotel in this kind of weather," he said, gesturing at the sky. "The sun god isn't merciful today."

She stared at him for another moment, and then she did one thing she hadn't done for a while.

�� She laughed. A genuine, loud one that surprised him, and even herself. Another moment passed, and then he was softly laughing along with her as well. If there were some things that remained unchanged, it was his blabbering mouth and idiocy in every life. It felt as if he was really here with her.

"Trust me, the sun god is more merciful than you think," Zoya said. If only Tolya can hear you now. "Give him a bit more credit."

"If he calms the blaze down for even a bit, then maybe." He shook his head with a chuckle. Then he patted the pillar. "I hope the god of the seas doesn't mind hearing me badmouthing his fellow deity."

Whatever happiness she felt was short-lived and instantly faded at that, her heart clenching. She forced a smile on her face. "I'm sure he wouldn't mind."

"You sound like you know a lot about the gods."

I know a lot more. "I know my mythology."

He raised a brow, an amused grin playing on his lips. "So does the mythology expert have a name?"

Zoya froze, and her thoughts stopped altogether. She had gone through this for as long as she could remember, and yet she still found herself stuttering every time.

"Minerva," she said before she could even think of it. Her mind panicked. It was her godly name. They had chosen their current names when they first answered to the humans a long time ago, and when they were damned to the mortal world, it had been the names they’d lived by ever since.

All the times she had met him, she gave a different one, while he said the same over and over. She didn't know why she told him her real name all of a sudden.

"A lovely name," he said, extending a hand out. "Nikolai."

She only hesitated for a moment before taking his hand. His skin was warm against hers, and she felt their connection throughout eons in that one touch. His eyebrows knitted together the moment their hands clasped together, but it was gone as soon as she blinked. She didn't know if she had just imagined it.

"Nice to meet you," she said. The words already felt hollow after repeating it for over a millennium.

Nikolai grinned. "Likewise." He let go of her hand before gazing up to the temple again. "So, I'm guessing it was destroyed from within. An explosion, perhaps? A divine explosion, if I may add. It's only plausible to think of that reason if we were to consider the mythology." He shrugged, looking totally satisfied with himself. "Correct me if I'm wrong, though, o' wise one."

She didn't answer for a while. The question he asked was bringing back far too many buried memories of the dark era. Genya's unwanted deception. Harshaw's downfall. Alina’s sacrifice.

Nikolai’s doom.

It came back rushing to Zoya, and it took all she could to not break down. She clenched her hands to fists, willing the memories away. It wasn't the time to let them take over. Not that there ever was a right time.

"Minerva?"

She broke out of her thoughts, turning back to Nikolai warily. There was a worried crease in his eyebrows as he looked at her.

"Are you alright?" he asked, concern evident in his tone.

"Yes, of course. I'm just trying to remember something," she replied.

"Ah, is the wise one starting to forget her mythology?"

Zoya tried to ignore the way the nickname prick at her heart. It was hitting too close to home. "I tend to forget things too, you dolt. Be glad I'm willing to answer your questions instead of leaving you hanging with your curiosity."

To both her surprise and expectation, Nikolai only laughed. He had never minded her sharp tongue and rough edges. Not even once. "Then do scold me for my wrong assumptions," he said.

She huffed, but looked back up to the monument. "No need to ask for the worst," she said. "But you're actually quite right about that. It was destroyed from within, and not by a natural calamity."

"I knew it," he said triumphantly, his grin lightning up his face. "Though I'm quite surprised the sea god was allowed to be given a shrine in Athens. If my memory is right, didn't the goddess of Wisdom win that war?" He frowned. "I'm sensing there’s more than what was said in the books."

More than you'll remember from all your past lives, my love. Zoya recovered with a scoff. "The modern books are shit. Anything printed in them barely holds the truth." She wrinkled her nose. "I've been in far too many old libraries to know."

Nikolai raised an eyebrow. "Would you care to elaborate on the real history, then?" he said, eyes holding only genuine curiosity and no mocking. "I'm all ears."

"You're not going to let this go easily, aren't you?"

"Not after you intrigued me with your confidence about its truth." He paused, his expression suddenly turning somber as he looked around the ruins of the old temple. "It's strange but there's something about this place that draws me in, and I just want to know what it is."

Zoya felt her chest clench as she looked at him sideways. This happened in every life; Nikolai would be reminded or be familiar with everything, but he never remembered. And she was always left to deal with the pain alone.

With a quiet sigh, she braced herself from the upcoming pain of trying to reminisce a memory of them together, even more so when it was the start of their eternity together. An eternity that was ended in a blink of an eye.

But she figured that she would still indulge him. Even if it was the last time.

"They were rivals," she started. "Archenemies if you want to call it that, always had each other by their throats. It started when the sea god tried to ransack the temple of the wisdom goddess with a great flood."

She'd never forget the rage she felt at that time when she caught him in act, and how that rage deepened when he reasoned out that it was the sky god who had forced him to do it. His reason turned out to be true, but since the sky god was untouchable, she retaliated by stealing and burying the sea god's trident way underground for at least a decade.

It had rained non-stop in Olympus that time, but the defeated look on his face as he lived without his prized weapon was worth it.

"The sea god is a huge idiot, you see, and the wisdom goddess dislikes that kind of person." Zoya wanted to laugh in the way she was narrating their history, but the thought of him not remembering any of it was disheartening. "But that's just the way he was."

Nikolai chuckled. "Am I sensing bias?" he said, shaking his head. "Sounds like they had a pretty silly rivalry."

A smile twitched on her lips. "That's a nice way to put it," she replied. "One petty thing led to another, until they were both interested in becoming the patron of this city that the rivalry between them worsened. The sea god even went as far as challenging the wisdom goddess to a duel the night before they set to present themselves to the king of Athens, saying that she only got interested because he was interested.

"It was actually half-true, and also because the wisdom goddess did not want to make things easier for him as he did with her for centuries."

"Please tell me they didn't go on with the duel," Nikolai said.

"Joke's on you. They did."

"Damnit." Then he laughed. "Who came out the victor?"

Zoya couldn't help but smile triumphantly. "The wisdom goddess, of course," she said. "She put him in his place that night and told him to forfeit his plans being the patron of the city."

"I'm sure he didn't come to present himself to the king the following day, then?"

"Another joke on you. You're underestimating the stubbornness of the sea god." She shook her head in disbelief, and it made Nikolai laugh a bit more. She raised an eyebrow to his way. He should really stop laughing at himself. "If there was something else constant in him other than his idiocy, it's his optimism and stubbornness. He still showed up the next day despite having lost the duel."

Nikolai chuckled. "Sounds a lot like me," he said. Zoya's breath hitched, but she ignored the tiny spark of hope starting to ignite again. Then with a shrug, he added, "Well, you know what they say. No guts, no glory."

"The wisdom goddess literally almost gutted him but he still persevered, and she had to commend that, at least. She didn't bother wasting her time berating him when he showed up." She kicked away a rock near her foot. It toppled over the huge crack dividing the ground, a fissure she had created after seeing him crumble to nothing in front of her. She forced her eyes away. "Even now, I still don't know why she didn't."

"Out of respect, maybe?" he offered with a shrug, and Zoya considered it for a moment. Perhaps it was. "What happened after?"

"They were asked to offer a gift to the people that will prove useful for a long time. Of course, being as confident as he is, the sea god volunteered to go first. He struck the earth with his trident and a fountain of water came forth. But what he didn't know was that it could only produce saltwater. It was pretty much useless for the population.

"Then it was the wisdom goddess' turn. From there, she struck her spear on the ground and planted a branch that grew an olive tree. The king was more impressed with the wisdom goddess' gift, so he chose her to lay claim on this city."

Nikolai raised an eyebrow. "Ah, so that's what happened." He nodded in understanding. Then he frowned and glanced up at the temple, pointing a finger up to it. "Wait, that still doesn't explain how the sea god got his own temple in the city where his very own rival was the patron? I'm quite sure the sea god didn't accept his loss that easily."

"That's where you're wrong." Zoya followed his look up. "He peacefully conceded," she said. And it was the very first time you regarded and smiled at me without a hint of malice. "So she obliged his supporters' wish to build him a shrine near the sea. Thus the temple in this location."

The smile that appeared on his lips was almost affectionate and soft, and she found herself smiling a bit sadly. "I guess despite the rivalry, they could still be forgiving with each other," Nikolai said. Then he turned to her. "What happened to them after that?"

"They—" Fell in love and had an eternity in front of them, she wanted to say but decided against it. She had told him enough truth. "—made a truce and agreed not to come after each other again. No other wars between them after."

"Just like that?"

We've had a lot more than just that. He didn’t need to know how he became much different to her after that, his treatment around her becoming much better despite her initial hostility to his changed attitude towards her, or how he made his way to her heart without her even realizing that she'd let her walls down for him.

Nothing would make a difference.

"More or less, yeah," she replied after a moment.

Nikolai still didn't look convinced when he turned back to her. "Not even on friendly terms?"

Zoya only shrugged. "There were no further things said in the old stories," she said. She didn't know why she was lying to him when he didn't even remember anything. "So we're left to our own assumptions on what possibly happened in the following years."

A look of disappointment bloomed on his face. "I refuse to believe nothing happened else after that," he said firmly. "It's too….open. There must be something more."

"It's quite disappointing, but it is reality. Sometimes that's just the way it is."

"Fair. I believe there's something more, but I guess I'll have to leave it open as well." He sighed, and then smiled ruefully. "The worst part of every story is having no ending."

Zoya only smiled sadly as she turned away from the temple and faced the sea. Beside her, she felt Nikolai shift and do the same. The quiet stretched on, and nothing but the occasional sound of wind and the other tourists' voices could be heard.

It was at times like these that she appreciated the calmness that the view of the sea brought to her, and she was left to remember that what he told her about the seas was true.

Another wave of pain and longing washed over her, the stinging in her eyes returning. He was so, so close and yet she could never reach out to him and hold him close again. But she would be content with having him near even without any memory of her rather than losing him forever.

"How about you?" His voice came after a long while, soft and soothing as the afternoon breeze. "Do you believe that there was nothing more for them than just their rivalry?"

Zoya didn't answer right away. It would be so easy to tell him the truth, to say that the two most opposite deities had overcome their differences and fallen in love against all odds.

But her exhausted heart was too afraid to open up with the truth when she knew that nothing would change if she told him.

"To be honest," she said, mustering up all her courage to keep her tone flat, "I don't know. Maybe there really wasn't."

Nikolai nodded in understanding. "I suppose that's possible too," he said. "Guess we're of opposite minds, yeah?"

"We've always been," she whispered, and she was almost thankful for the shrill sound of his ringtone to cover up for her voice.

He immediately answered it, his becoming relieved. There were a few exchanges of words before he was ending the call. "My rental car is finally starting up again so I'll be able to head back to the hotel. I'm afraid I'll have to cut off our tour short," he said with obvious dismay. "Thank you very much for the knowledge and wisdom you have bestowed me today."

Zoya was already starting to bid him goodbye, but her mind had begun pondering over his words and the ones from earlier. "I thought you said you were taking a bus back?"

"Oh. I, uh," Nikolai stuttered, scratching the spot behind his ear with a nervous chuckle. "I kind of made that up." Then he quickly added, "I'm so sorry about that but you looked like you needed a small talk or something, and it was the first excuse that came to my mind." He tried to smile, but it was pained enough to pass it off as a grimace instead. "Though it’s probably a good thing I hadn't hired a tour guide as I learned a lot more from you, I apologize for making an excuse up."

"You don't have to explain yourself, I did actually quite enjoy sharing too," she said, offering him a lopsided smile in return. "And also, thank you for being kind."

He grinned at that, his face lighting up. "Likewise." He tipped his head in a polite bow before extending a hand. "It is nice meeting you, Minerva."

Zoya tried to ignore the heaviness in her chest in the way he said her name. She put on a small smile. "Likewise, Nikolai."

He gave another smile before letting go of her hand and turning to leave. Only to stop after a few steps and face her again. Then he was pulling something out of his pocket.

"Well, a token of appreciation for your expertise on mythology," he said, handing her a small keychain. "And also for enduring my curious and talkative self."

She opened her hand, and he placed the object to her palm. Her breath caught in her throat when she recognized it.

It was the miniature version of her shield.

"The wisdom goddess' shield," Nikolai said as he pulled his hand back. He offered her a soft smile. "It's only fitting for you to have it because you share the same level of wisdom as her." Then he gave another polite bow. "Farewell, o' wise one. Though I do hope to see you again some time."

With a final grin, he finally turned and left.

Zoya stared at his retreating form until he disappeared among the crowd of tourists, feeling a lot heavier on her shoulders now that he had left. The keychain was still warm in her hand as she walked towards the cliff's edge, and away from the people that might possibly see her.

The weight of it all came crashing down at her. It felt surreal, a fever dream she couldn't get out of, and she was left reeling from the effect of what had just occurred.

Why today? Why here?

It was one thing to see him again. But in this place out of all the ones he could have met her? It was cruelty, a mocking from the Fates to show her that she was never free of her torment even when she already remembered, and he hadn't.

She will never be free of it.

The burning in her eyes felt too much again. But this time, Zoya didn't do anything to stop the tears from falling.

---

What she hadn't expected was seeing him again later that night.

It wasn't new for her to stay late at the site, even after its closing time. If you were old friends with the manager of the place, you got quite a bit of special treatment.

You can stay for as long as you need to. The text message from Genya had been displayed on her screen for quite a while now. Just don't make yourself too sad.

Zoya huffed lightly. If that were easy to do, she would have done it a thousand years ago. But a lot of things were easier said than done.

The alcove she had been staying at was just several feet below the cliff's edge, particularly made for lounging a long time ago. But after years of neglect, what was once a finely made spot was now nothing more than a small opening carved from a trident's strike. The boulder that used to be big enough to hold two people had now crumbled to smaller rocks, and she was left to sit on the cold ground instead.

Nikolai had built the spot when they wanted to have a quiet time together without the prying eyes of mortals or any of their fellow deities nearby. She remembered nights when he would point out the constellations for her, and despite having all the knowledge about it, she let him talk and make up stories for each of them. Other times it would be still, neither of them talking and hands just clasped together, watching the waves on the seas surge and move to his bidding.

The memories hit her painfully. She longed to have those nights with him again, or even to just be with him, without having to worry about him slipping away from her.

But that seemed impossible now.

Her watch suddenly beeped, signaling that it was already one in the morning. But somehow, the sound was muffled amidst the memories in her head. She needed the calm, the quiet. A place where she could be in peace. And she knew just where that was.

Zoya stood up and dusted her pants off before making her way back up the cliff again. Slipping off her cardigan and shoes, she left them along with her phone and wallet by the row of rocks that served as the barrier for the edge. She made her way to the lower part of the ravine afterwards, where the drop was directly to the water on this vantage point.

If Genya were here, she would surely reprimand her from doing such a dangerous thing in the middle of the night. But Zoya usually did night dives during the times she visited here, as the seas brought the serenity she used to feel around him, and she was just desperate to have it again. And it wasn’t as if she could die.

She closed her eyes and turned to the night sky, breathing in deeply as the wind picked up around her. Then, with a contented sigh, she broke into a run and jumped off the ledge.

The rush of air felt familiar in her ears as she plummeted to the sea, and a moment later, she was submerged under the surface. Underwater, it was quiet, the tranquility making it easier for the memories to come rushing to her mind. The coldness should have bitten at her skin the moment she sunk, but she didn’t feel anything. She closed her eyes.

Her mind chose to bring her back to one night on the beach, when he stopped the tides and held her close as they danced slowly under the stars. It was the very first time he had bared his real self to her, and the first time she had seen him past the confidence and the cruel persona he wore as one of the highest among the gods.

She hadn't known how to react that time, and she found herself at loss for words. It was the moment she doubted herself. She was the goddess of wisdom who liked definitive odds and probabilities. She approached everything with caution and vigilance. And above all else, she was supposed to treat him as a rival. An enemy. An opponent of the other side.

But Zoya must have miscalculated, because she ended up going against everything she’d ever believed when she fell in love with him.

Her eyes stung, and her chest clenched. It wasn't from the lack of air.

Please, I'd do anything, she pleaded desperately to any other divine being that could hear her. Make him remember. Make him remember me.

Something grabbed at her wrist, and her eyes shot open. A figure was trying to haul her up to the surface. She struggled for a moment, but whoever was pulling her had a strength of the currents and waves of the seas during a storm.

After a moment, they finally resurfaced. Zoya was gasping for air as they broke out of the water, immediately getting hold of the person's collar and turning them violently to her.

Whatever harsh things she was about to say were forgotten when the dim lights from above the cliff caught the face of the figure.

"Minerva, are you alright?" Nikolai asked, concern evident in his voice. What the hell was he doing here? His eyes searched her face. "Why did—no, never mind that. Let's get you out of the water first."

She was still too shocked to move or answer, so she let him drag her to the sands on the far left side of the cliff. He did most of the swimming, as her body still refused to cooperate with her. It must have been a struggle for him, but he didn't show it. His movements were precise and powerful as if he had been doing it all his life. Though considering his real identity as the god of the seas, this was nothing to him.

They hit the sands after a short while, and it was then a bit of Zoya’s strength returned. She immediately pushed Nikolai away.

"Let go of me," she hissed, voice hoarse from being under the water for too long.

He stumbled, clearly not expecting the act, and he looked at her with obvious hurt in his eyes.

If it was some other time, she would have felt bad and tried to apologize. He didn't deserve this. He didn't deserve to be hurt. But she was exhausted and miserable and she didn't want to deal with anything at all. She let her emotions take over.

"How did you find me?" She gritted her teeth as she wobbled on her feet. "You aren't supposed to be here."

A look of disbelief appeared on his face. "A thank you would be nice," he said. "I just saved your life."

"Who said I needed saving?" she snapped. "Didn't you consider for a second that maybe I knew what I was doing?" She started towards the path leading back up to the temple, calling out to her shoulder, "You should mind your business."

"So you preferred to drown down there alone?"

I can't die, Zoya wanted to say, and she had to bite her tongue to keep herself from saying it. She chose to ignore him instead and continue up the upward path. The cold was starting to seep to her skin, making her shiver slightly.

She could hear his rushed footsteps behind her as he followed. "Minerva," he called out. "Look, I'm sorry."

Zoya ignored him. They were almost at the top of the cliff again.

"I didn't mean to upset you—please, Minnie."

She abruptly stopped in her tracks, her eyes widening. Her thoughts stopped all together. Could it be?

Slowly, she turned to face him, her heart in her throat. "What did you just call me?"

Nikolai seemed to realize what he had said, and he looked mortified. "I—I'm sorry, it just came to my mind."

Zoya wanted to laugh bitterly at herself. Of course, he still didn't remember. It was always only reminders of their former lives that came to him just to keep her hopes up. But it was all the same after.

"Leave before I report you for trespassing," she said curtly and continued up the path. Just stay away, she pleaded in her mind desperately, even though her heart wished for the opposite. But she couldn't take any more pain right now. Please.

Thankfully, she didn't hear him behind her after that, and she made her way back to where she left her things. But when she finally got there, the exhaustion caught up with her and she stumbled to the row of rocks. Her body was already shivering when she sat down, and she put a hand to her face.

Realization dawned at Zoya all of a sudden. Her harsh treatment of him wasn't necessary, and there was no one else to blame but herself for letting her emotions take over. And even if she wanted to apologize, she had already scared him off.

Something warm was draped around her shoulders, and the smell of the sea wafted to her nose. A choked sob made its way out of her mouth. Why hadn't he left yet? She had regarded him badly when his intention was solely to save her from drowning. She didn't deserve his kindness.

"I told you to leave," she said, moving her hand away from her face. But she didn't turn to him. "I warned you that I would report you, didn't I?"

Nikolai laughed lightly. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw him settle over one of the rocks in the row near her, though he still kept a considerable distance between them.

"If you wanted to report me," he said, "then you would have gone straight to security the moment you arrived up here."

Zoya huffed, but didn't say anything more. She hated that he was right about her. He could always see right through her, and it was the one thing that didn't change in him.

His voice came after a moment. "Did you really intend to stay underwater for that long?"

She didn’t answer right away, because she didn't know how. She hadn't even realized that she had been underwater for too long. "How did you get here, anyway? And why are you here?" she asked instead, effectively deflecting the subject.

Nikolai winced. It was obvious that he didn't have a clear answer to her question either. "I have my ways. And I can assure you my reason isn't for cruel purposes."

"Guess I won't report you, then," she said, and Nikolai smiled at that.

"I owe you my life, o' wise one," he said.

I couldn't even save you on time, Zoya thought bitterly.

A long silence came after, with the both of them facing the well-lit temple that glowed against the night sky. The wind picked up, and she shrugged the jacket tighter around her. She looked at Nikolai sideways, remembering that he had also been soaked to the bone when he jumped in after her. But there weren't any traces of him being cold, so she turned her attention back to the temple.

"I couldn't sleep," he said after a while. He took a small piece of gravel from the ground and tossed it over the cliff's edge. "It might be strange to hear this reason, but the story you told me this afternoon kept me up, and it drew me back here. Maybe I wasn't thinking straight. It wasn't as if coming back here would answer the questions in my head." He chuckled softly, shaking his head. "I was never a fan of open-ended stories."

"They fell in love," Zoya said simply, averting her gaze from him and looking back up at the temple. She could practically feel his shocked expression directed her way. She figured that she owed him the whole truth at least, after treating him badly just earlier.

And for the last time she would be able to talk to him.

"I'm sorry, what?"

"You heard me."

Nikolai scoffed. "If this is some lie just to sate my thoughts, then I would prefer the cruel truth to hit me squarely in the face."

"I'm not lying. I know it seems quite impossible if you look back at their history," she said. "But the ones that happened after were more important. The oldest scriptures said so. They fell in love and had an eternity ahead of them." And we had. We just didn't know it would end in the cruelest way, and you would be taken away from me. "It wasn't well-known to the public as the modern books stated that they stayed rivals throughout the rest of their immortal lives."

"How could two gods who literally fought over this city fall in love?"

"I don't know." And it was the truth. He really was her biggest uncertainty and miscalculation. But it was the one thing she didn't regret happening. A rueful smile appeared on her lips. "And yet they did. Against all odds."

Nikolai laughed lightly. "I can't believe it," he said, his tone bordering breathless and disbelieving. "Do you think they're still in love?"

The question felt like knives being stabbed into her heart. I've loved you for an eternity, she thought as she looked at him, to the face that never left her mind for a millennium. Does your love for me still exist, even if it lays forgotten in the deepest depths of your heart?

Her eyes burned, and she looked away. "I hope," she said truthfully. "It would have been extraordinary."

"I would have to believe they still do," he said. "I mean, it's kind of amazing, isn't it? To love the same person for thousands of years."

Zoya felt another crack on her mask. "It is," she whispered. "A lot have tried gaining her attention, but no one can ever compare to him. She doesn't see anyone else."

Nikolai sighed contentedly. "They're lucky," he said. "To have a love like that, I mean. Those kinds are rare."

"Have you ever been in love?" she suddenly asked. She hadn't meant to pry, but she wanted to know if he found someone else during his time. She blinked, realizing how intrusive the question was. "You don't have to answer if you don't want to."

"Ah, is the wise one a curious cat now?" He laughed when she gave him a glare. He raised his hands in mock surrender. "I'm joking." He turned back to the temple with a faraway look in his eyes. "But to answer your question, I don't think I have. At least not in the way the sea god and the wisdom goddess were."

Zoya didn't know whether to feel relieved or sad at that. So she only nodded in understanding.

"I like to think that maybe I did, even just once. There had been a few people in the past." Nikolai smiled sadly. "But there's always something missing, you know? I could never tell what or why I am feeling that way. There's just this…hollowness I can't explain." He paused, his eyebrows furrowing. "Somehow coming to this place relieved me of some of the emptiness. I guess I should come back here more often."

A tear fell from her eye, and she quickly wiped it away before he could see it. Her heart was beating erratically in her chest, that tiny spark of hope that she thought was dimming had ignited once more.

This was exactly why she didn't want to meet him again. They would cross paths, and he would be reminded of something in their past life that made her heart believe that things could be what they once were. But they couldn’t. They never would.

Destined to meet, but never to last.

So she didn't let herself ponder over it. This had already happened so many times, and yet she always got hurt for expecting too much in the end.

"How about you?" he asked, voice gentle. "Have you ever been in love?"

I have. And I still am. "Once."

A beat. "How was it?"

A curse and a blessing at the same time. She blinked her tears away and replied, "I still think about him everyday."

Nikolai hummed. "Lucky guy."

"He really is."

"Can I ask what happened to him?"

Zoya let out a shaky breath. "He forgot about me."

"I would remember you," he said.

Then why didn't you? She covered up with a bitter laugh instead. "Easier said than done."

He didn't say anything else after that, and another wave of silence filled the air around them. Zoya appreciated the quiet, reminding her of the moments of peace in the past, and she felt a sad smile on her lips along the ache in her heart.

She would remember this, even if it's painful for her. She didn’t know when she’d see him again.

If she would see him again.

Suddenly, a beam of light flashed to her face, and she raised a hand up to cover her eyes. "Miss Nazyalensky?" a voice asked. She immediately recognized it as Isaak's, Genya's head of security. "Are you alright?"

"Yes, it's me. I'm alright," she said, and the light disappeared.

The young guard's eyes shifted from her to someone past her shoulder. If he noticed their still-drenched state of dress, he didn't say anything. His eyes narrowed. "Who—"

"Don't worry, he's a friend," she said, glancing at him sideways. "He's just about to leave."

A look of disappointment flashed on his face, and Zoya silently apologized to him in her mind. It was the only way to make him go. Isaak was looking at him expectantly.

"Yes," Nikolai said, "I was just leaving."

She turned back to Isaak. "Be a dear and show him the way out, it's already dark."

Isaak only nodded before turning to Nikolai. "This way, sir."

Nikolai sighed and stood up without further complaints, walking towards the young guard. But not before he looked back at her for the last time. He smiled softly. "It was actually good seeing you again," he said, and Zoya felt her heart break a little more with those words that held much more meaning to her. "Good night."

With that, he turned away to follow Isaak back to the entrance. Her feet were already moving before she even realized it.

"Wait," she said, and Nikolai stopped in his tracks. She made her way towards the temple's entrance, going over to the boulder by the pillar where she’d left the small keychain earlier. She found it on the floor, almost covered with rubble. But thankfully it was still there. She picked it up and turned back to him.

His eyes were expectant and curious when Zoya stopped in front of him, and she let her gaze linger to memorize his features to carry with her, as if she hadn't had all of him engraved in her heart and mind for thousands of years.

"Here." She handed the trident keychain to him. He took it reluctantly, a deep crease in his eyebrows evident as he stared at the object in his hand. "I left it this afternoon as an offering to him. But you might as well have it."

Nikolai blinked, a grin appearing on his lips that brightened his face. "I hope the god of the seas doesn't mind."

"Don't worry, I'm sure he won't." It's technically yours, anyway. "And it’ll be something to remember me by."

"Even if you don't give me anything, you're not that easy to forget, Minerva," he said, and then he tipped his head forward in a polite bow. "Thank you."

The look in his eyes was warm, and Zoya felt as if she was really looking at him. She desperately wanted to reach out to him and hold him close to her again. But she held back. "You're welcome," she said, stepping back before she did something she would regret later. She would not make this harder for herself.

With a final grin, Nikolai finally turned and followed Isaak.

And as she let him walk away from her for the umpteenth time in her life, she was left only with longing and the same pain she had been carrying for as long as she can remember.

I love you, she thought, hoping the winds would be kind enough to carry the words she had been wanting to tell him. This would be the last time.

***

The memory of that night came back to her as Zoya stood by the entrance of his temple again more than a year later. She didn’t expect herself to be back here; she had vowed that she would stop hoping for the impossible. But it was never that easy to let go of something you’d been holding onto for a long time.

She had spent the better part of the year trying to convince herself that she could do it, that she could let him go. Sometimes she thought she did, as her thoughts about him didn't bring that much pain to her than before. But more times than not, she would still find herself crying at night, wanting nothing else than to have him with her again, asking any other deities to hear her plea and end their torment.

And yet it remained unanswered just like it had always been.

A strong breeze blew past the site, and Zoya shrugged the jacket tighter around her. It was almost the same as last year, albeit a bit colder, causing the temple to have less visitors than usual. The sun was starting to set in the west when she approached the cliff's edge, giving the sea an orange glow.

She smiled ruefully, suddenly realizing the depth of her decision. This view was going to be one of the sights she would have to give up if she ever stopped visiting here. And it was something she wasn't letting go. As much as she wanted to forget, his seas had been a constant part of her immortal life, providing her with peace that often slipped away from her, and it was the closest thing to him that she could be with.

The thought hit her like a ton of bricks, and Zoya wanted to laugh. She had been a fool to think that she could ever forget any of this, that she could forget him.

Because even after all her attempts to do so, he would always be the one on the other end of the red string tied around her wrist.

"It's not fair, you know? I'm still crying over you, and I'm so, so tired," she said to the sea, her voice quivering as she did. The stinging in her eyes came quickly this time, and she reached a hand up to wipe it away. A broken sob came out from her lips when she whispered, "It's not fair, Nikolai."

She put a hand to her face as she continued to cry. There were times that her grief would overwhelm her to the point that she wouldn't have minded whether she was in public or not, and the pain in her chest was enough to break her.

This was one of those times and she had no control over it.

Zoya didn’t know how long she stayed there, crying her sorrows to the seas that could only do so much to comfort her, that she didn’t even notice the presence behind her until it spoke.

"When I first saw you here a year ago, you were just close to crying."

Everything seemed to stop around her. Her thoughts halted and she brought her hand down from her face.

No, it's not real.

But she knew it was true.

Zoya turned to the direction of his voice, and there he was, basked in the glow of the sunset that made his eyes gleam much brighter than what she used to have engraved in her head.

Nikolai smiled softly. "It's been a while, Minerva."

She didn’t know why her mind suddenly started making up excuses, anything she could say to elude him before the pain became too much for her to bear.

"I'm sorry, do I know you?" It might have been the stupidest excuse she could think of, but it was all she had. A look of hurt flashed on his face. Walk away, Zoya. "You must have mistaken me for someone else."

She briskly walked past him, each step away from him feeling like daggers being driven to her chest.

Walk away, Zoya willed herself.

She could do it. She could walk away so she wouldn't have to suffer. She could do this, and do it again in the next life.

She could stay away from him.

But as she went further away from Nikolai, her mind narrowed to one thought. I can't do it.

It was then his voice came, gentle as the waves from the shore. "Are you really going to walk away this time, Zoya?"

This made her stop abruptly on her tracks, her heart in her throat. A surge of wild hope ignited in her chest again.

No, he could've asked for it from the management, she thought. Isaak could have told him.

She had been waiting for a thousand years to hear it again, to hear the warmth in his voice whenever he said her name. But why wasn't she believing it? Why wasn't she turning to him?

Why only now?

Against her better judgment, Zoya finally faced him. Her vision blurred with another wave of unwanted tears. If this was some cruel trick to play on her—

Nikolai must have noticed her look, because he gave her a reassuring smile. "The seas can help us find peace," he said as he approached her. Zoya could only look at him, her heart still not wanting to believe. But he continued, "And I would gladly stop the tides and currents if it meant giving you the serenity you desired."

He stopped right in front of her, the gentle look in his eyes remaining the same. She looked back up at him, finding any traces of deceit in his hazel eyes, or anything that proved that he wasn't real.

But in them she only saw the warmth and love that he sent her way, the reflection of their memories worth for thousands of years, the one that the wisdom goddess didn't expect the sea god to give her.

"Hey," Nikolai said, his voice coming out in a broken whisper. His face crumpled when he brought a hand to her cheek. A quivering smile made its way to his lips as he said, "I'm sorry I'm late."

A sob tore from her throat as Zoya lunged at him, her arms wrapping around his neck tightly as if he would disappear again if she let go.

He's here. "You're back," she sobbed against his shoulder. "You're back."

She felt his arms around her not a moment later, strong and warm and welcoming, the same way she remembered even after a long time. The world could have burned down around them, and still Zoya wouldn't have cared, not when he was finally back to her.

"I remember," Nikolai was saying over and over, his voice shaking from crying. "I remember it all." He pulled away slightly, just enough to look in her eyes and see the relief reflected back in them. Tears fell freely from his eyes as he pressed his lips on her cheek— "So many lives, I've lived" —his lips went to the bridge of her nose— "So many times I've met you" —he moved to her eye— "And I didn't even know it was you that I was missing."

He pressed their foreheads together, his eyes closed tightly. He brought his hands up to the sides of her face. "You always found me," he whispered, "and when I remembered, I knew it was my time to find you." He reached for her hand, bringing it to his chest, and she felt the steady beat of his heart as if it had finally found peace and its home. "I love you. I loved you in every life. My mind could forget, but my heart and soul never did."

Zoya laughed, but it came as a broken sob instead. She reached her other hand up to his face, her touch still hesitant. Everything felt like a dream. She had been waiting for this moment for so long, and now that it was here, she wanted to make sure it was real.

But he was warm and his presence comforting, and he was looking at her the same way he did when he stopped the tides for her that one night on the beach.

More tears fell from her eyes. "I never thought I'd see you again. I've watched you slip away for a thousand years, and yet my love for you remained the same, if not stronger," she said, voice hoarse. "I missed you every single day."

Nikolai leaned into her hand, pressing a kiss on her palm, and then on her wrist. A few tears landed on her skin. "I love you. I'm here now." His lips moved to her forehead. "I love you."

She clutched him closer to her. "I thought I lost you," she said. She closed her eyes as he moved to press a lingering kiss to her temple. Her voice broke when she repeated, "I thought I lost you."

"I know, I'm sorry," he murmured against her skin. "But I'm here now. I'm not going anywhere." He pulled away to look in her eyes. "I'm not leaving you again."

And when he sealed his promise with a kiss, Zoya felt the thousands years' worth of pain and longing lift from her chest, replaced by the feeling of warmth and contentment, and finally, home. It would be another start for the both of them, as they had a lot of time to make up for. The road would be tedious, but they had each other.

Her love could last for another eternity.

***

A/N: I have a short, fluffy one of the same au in the works. Might post it soon. JASHFLJASF

#zoyalai #zoya nazyalensky #nikolai lantsov #king of scars #idk this took me a while #and i made myself sad over this #basically gods/goddesses au #they're poseidon and athena #but also not really #i needed the rivalry ok #HASDFLKJHA #i tweaked some in the mythology #so yeah #im trash #and sad #have this long mess tho #my writing

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