#bc rven when things resolved and settled in the book i never did
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#i realized#just how content i am in chaos#how much i rely on it to feel comfortable#give me peace and i cant function#its in panic and chaos that i'm like: okay let's do this#i realized that my favorite part of the book was always those last 50 pages before the epilogue#idk how to describe them#but the fight#sitting in the chaos and destruction#i almost feel... bored or... disappointed when it was over and the book was resolved#i woupd rarely feel satisfied#bc rven when things resolved and settled in the book i never did#so the only part of the book that i related with was the peak of chaos#and like- whenever things get harder or worse; i push harder#whhen the hill gets steeper; i climb faster#i take another turn and go to new unknown#i'm like: this gives me more anxiety imma do this#i survive off the adrenaline anr discomfort#off the pain#it's the only way i know how#chaos#ignore me#that being said i.am rn at thst part ot the book where the big fight is about to take place#aka the good guys are just about to get strong enough to win#and once again as always i am secretly wishing the bad guys would win#i have never been able to explain to anyone why i want the bad guys to win when i do have morals that coincide with the good guys#the only way i can kinda compare it to is like... the ending of joker#that was one of the few endings that made me feel alive#*last 50pages before it gets hopeful on the book is more accurate lmao
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