#bc of the links its p easy to figure out who these ppl are but dont like send them hate or try any heroic shit

[mingulay-archive]

hey mina whats up with you?? WELL,

i met a girl (girl 1) n said we should be friends cause she seemed like a sweetie

i reblogged her selfie and complimented her. if ive ever reblogged one of ur selfies u KNOW that me sayin shit like “stunning” in the tags is the fuckin norm

i saw a post from lahela, a gal i love and appreciate dearly, abt goth gfs and jock gfs

in reaction 2 that post i made a post about being a jock gal and wanting a goth gf cause yall kno i talk about gals as a concept all the time

immediately after postin that shit i was struck by divine inspiration re: my immense love of gals and polyamory so i made a follow up explainin that im not limited to one gf

next thing i know, girl 1′s friend (girl 2) comments on my second post saying “wow, this totally isn’t creepy at all.”

i dunno what the fuck she talkin about so i assume she thinks polyamory is cheating, so i respond, then she says  thanks for putting words in my mouth! but no. i was talking about you wanting [girl 1] and me as gfs because we’re goth. im all about girls and even having multiple partners, buuuut, it’s a little creepy you want specially a “goth” gf!

i make two posts in reaction cause idk about yall but i dont like bein accused of creepin on people i aint done shit to. harassment is shit i take real serious 

i explain myself to girl 1 and apologize for accidentally makin her uncomfortable. she says its ok (and as yall who know me already know, thats as much confirmation as i can get) 

im still feelin pissed about bein misunderstood like that and girl 2 refuses to apologize or admit she was partly in the wrong. girl 1 thinks I’M blowing this outta proportion

[pepprs]

[DONT RB] ok so there’s no way for me to talk abt this that isn’t gonna make me look like an absolute dumbass but im in the middle of a creative existential crisis and i rly need help figuring it out :•( this is gonna get SUPER LONG so im putting it under a readmore. thank u to anyone who reads this!!! and double thank u to anyone who can give some input / advice, i rly rly appreciate it. im sorry abt the length!

aight so for some background.... ive been drawing n writing poetry for abt 5 yrs now and both of those things r rly important to me. in school im an english major w a creative writing minor (for the poetry) and i work as a graphic designer (for the art) so ive been growing a lot as an artist and writer esp in the past 2 yrs and im kinda workin towards one or the other (or ideally both somehow!) as a career. one of the biggest dreams ive had since i started seriously pursuing both of these hobbies 5 yrs ago is to publish a book of poetry that i design / illustrate myself, and also to have a portfolio online where ppl can read all of my poetry and see all of my artwork (both professional / work stuff but also archives of all of my sketchbooks since those r rly important to me!!!) and maybe even make some sort of online shop where ppl can buy my art (stickers, keychains, etc!) and my poetry books!

that sounds pretty simple right? WRONG!!!!!! why? bc im a fucking idiot! and there are several dumb things i do that make this dream completely impossible for me to achieve! love that for me!

so for starters... ive been posting (almost) all of my art and ALL of my poetry online for all 5 yrs ive been creating it. that’s bad because:

ive hardly ever used my real name (which i would want to use for the book / shop / portfolio), it’s been under my usernames / aliases that go along w them (p*pe, pep, pea, etc and related usernames that shall not be mentioned) and i started going by my real first name only abt a yr ago, but still maintain those usernames for the most part in conjunction w my real name

my work has been primarily been posted to d*viantart and tumblr which aren’t exactly the most uh... professional places to do that. not that there rly are many i guess lmao but still

my online persona on these platforms is rly like. lax and loose which is Cool And Quirky when brought into a professional setting if it’s done right i guess.... but im just immature and unprofessional. i swear all the time, i shitpost constantly, im incessantly tmi? and that’s not even it like it’s just a whole mess!

SO there’s that whole set of problems and like im just concerned because... i stopped posting art online last yr for the most part and a lot of the old stuff that’s on dA (since that was rly where i did it most) is bad and not worth sharing like that anyways, so im not as worried abt that. but my poetry.... i still actively post that online in all my messiness and candidness here and like. it’s rly not that hard to find me? like if u copy a poem of mine and put it in google it’ll pull up my dA right away! and that’s like.... GOD i just am embarrassed for anyone irl to see that or for that to be connected with my irl / professional self in the future, but i don’t want to stop posting my work there (or here!!!!!) bc the community is so supportive and ive made some rly good connections / built a lot of traction over the 5 yrs ive been doing it. (PLUS for the online portfolio i wanna do specifically... i kinda want to post all of my art and poetry there, like everything ive ever done (specifically poetry, ive written almost 500 poems over the 5 yrs ive been doing it!), but i feel like that’s not rly the most professional thing to do and idk how to even gauge whether it is or not :-/)

but that’s not all!!!! because there’s another part to this and that is: the very nature of the content i produce is Not Good! for my art it’s not as much of a problem bc since I work as an artist rn a lot of what i make is professional, but for my personal art... a lot of that is either self portraits or my characters and a lot of my characters are like. animals. like specifically pepe (who is basically Me As A Cat).... i draw her constantly and so much of my best work is of her but it’s just like? embarrassing i guess for my ocs to take up so much of my portfolio and sketchbooks and stuff and share that. like i know everyone has characters and it’s not bad to do that and share that but i feel like ppl will judge me :-( so it’s made me rly hesitant to post stuff to my art ig for example bc i just don’t fucking know how to act, like it’s bad enough that i can’t type the way i want to and i have to type in proper caps n whatever instead bc irls i don’t know / trust as well follow me (including some ppl from work? Yikes?)....... but i feel like i can’t share my sketchbook stuff for example bc it’s all cats and my characters and visual shitposts and im uncomfy to share that bc like... im almost 20 and i don’t want ppl to think im immature or whatever? i kno i should feel like it’s my account and i can post wot i want but like. i fucking can’t bro i just can’t!!

and THEN.... my poetry. that’s the biggie bc like for my art? even tho im uncomfortable i don’t mind sharing that w ppl i know irl but for my POETRY.... it’s very easy to find like where i share that i guess? (the google thing i mentioned earlier but also its linked to my art on here and dA too... f) but i literally never actively share my writing w irl ppl unless im performing @ an open mic or workshopping in class bc im fucking terrified of the possibility of irl ppl finding my poetry. it’s almost ironic how public ive been w it online but how private i am abt it irl... it’s like im living a double life and it’s fucking terrible but it’s the only way i feel safe. bc like art is what i do for other ppl and also to destress and vent when i need a quick fix on my own time. but poetry.... that’s personal, it’s where i feel most like myself, it’s how i talk abt my life and ppl in it and make meaning of things and talk abt things authentically and Get Deep. and my literal worst nightmare is for ppl (who have the explicit ability to by virtue of Knowing Me) to read into it and Understand what im talking abt and have that power over me and see me differently for feeling the way i do or doing what i do. ive actually already been burned by this before after my mom read some work of mine that had been published irl (i don’t want to get too into it but basically i retroactively outed myself thru her reading that poem for what it was and it was Very Very Bad) and as paranoid abt it as i was before, it’s even worse now that it’s actually happened to me and could happen again at any time, esp if i decide to take my work further.

that manifests in a few ways too, like my writing is so cryptic and vague and very heavy on metaphors / symbolism and shit partially out of that deep fear and need to shield myself and my work. sometimes in spaces where i do feel comfy sharing, ppl have a hard time understanding my poetry unless i give context. online and on stage and in workshop ppl don’t rly know me outside of a context where the only thing we have in common is self expression thru poetry, so i don’t rly mind sharing more when it’s appropriate. but if i were to share my work as a book or w/e, ppl im close to (who maybe don’t always think like a poet / artist does bc they aren’t that) would want to buy it and read it and might ask abt what it means and i don’t even know what i would do in that situation. and if ppl were to read my work and see themselves / others in it, whether it is abt them or not, im scared it could genuinely damage relationships like it did with my mom.

SO UH.... idk where im going w this rly, i kno it’s long and rambly and melodramatic and im probably overthinking it and making a mountain out of a molehill and nobody even knows / cares abt me AND my work @ the same time enough to read That Deep into it. but it just fucking sucks that im so uncomfortable and insecure that i can’t comfortably fulfill literally the one single long term goal / life dream that i have. andthe thing that sucks is i can’t talk to Anybody abt this except like... my sister and brother bc they’re the only ppl i genuinely tell everything to, but they don’t have the knowledge and expertise abt art / poetry that like... my poetry prof does, for example. and my poetry prof is one of the best ppl ive ever met and the Only person ive ever met irl who respects and understands my poetry in the exact way i need someone to. she and i have been talking and she rly wants to help me publish my poetry bc she sees merit in my work and knows how bad i want to / how successful it’s been already, but i don’t know how to talk abt this to her bc im embarrassed to tell her abt posting online and being ashamed abt my muses and all that and it just!!! sucks so much bc i kinda want to publish my work @ least once before i graduate and do it semi regularly for the rest of my life? but there’s so much in my way and it’s just! FGGFHDGJGGGG

[300418]

now you finally made it to the end of all of this! and this is also where you can click on #cool-music but before you do that i had the thought to just, kinda explain why exactly these specific songs, and stuff? OH, and also a background story of that layout which also explains why i'll be sending this to you so late in the day T___T but okay, basically:

at first i was going to upload the playlists on spotify and hide them somewhere in the layout but then yesterday i figured i should find out (in a subtle way) if you even use spotify, nevermind have spotify premium. hence why i brought it up last night like “i forget some ppl don’t have spotify premium” OR WHATEVER I SAID I CAN HARDLY REMEMBER BC I WAS HALF ASLEEP. then you said you had apple music so i was >:0 so i was like. ok. change of plans. instead of linking to spotify i can mimic a spotify playlist?! so i messed around with some codes and TA-DA! but then i got carried away with the colors so now it doesn’t even look like spotify anymore GNJSGNS. LIKE AT FIRST IT WAS GREEN/BLACK LIKE THE OG SPOTIFY COLORS, but then i was like *kanyeshrug* and went nuts, so yeah.. ok anyways, as for the playlists themselvs:

OO1 | groovy??

OH HONESTLY, these are all songs i’ve been listening the f*ck out of lately and they all just, remind me of you in one way or another. hyukoh’s mer especially is just this rly floaty and dreamy song which is the type of stuff i Love but then reading the lyrics.. i Felt that. you know? just, yeah.. god i’m bad at this I SHOULD’VE JUST SENT THE PLAYLISTS AND KEPT MY MOUTH SHUT! SHOULD’VE JUST SAT THERE AND ATE MY FOOD! i’m so bad with words but Basically these are all songs i dedicate to you wholeheartedly. same goes for the 2nd part of the playlist. all of these genres kind of.. don’t really match eachother but there’s still something that makes me think “yeah, this makes sense” when putting them together. probably because they’re all about you, (i mean, in my head. unless u have an affair with giriboy i didn’t know about in that case ill have to literally murder giriboy).

MER: “We met, followed the map. Looked for the gold. I long for you.”

지켜줄게: you know the general song concept behind this is about a girl that sells her body and the guy is basically singing he’ll get her out of there etc, which is obviously not relevant to anything NGJSNG (me, inwardly: why did i include this song again im a fucking clown) BUT DSGNJS i included it because, just the whole sentiment i’ll always be there to take care of you and protect you however i can, no matter what. “I’ll take care of you when no one is around. I’ll always be with you when no one is around.“ (i think including a lyric here for each song rly pushes this to the Epitome of cheese)

Gondry: this song is basically us when we’re snuggled together.. “Laying down and legs crossed. Let's just stay like this, like in a warm blanket.”

Pluhmm: i really love this song so much and not only bc its yeeun but mainly because it just feels like this was written about us and it makes me super sappy.. “The first thing you do when you get up is to respond to the text that came after you fell asleep.”

확신을 줘: hey i love phantom [phantom voice] this is my confession. GNJSDNJ i dislike when they say “pretty young thing” tho but that’s classic korean rap they’re all fuckboys BUT! i wanted to include this cause it’s fun, playful and bright just like you, so. yes. :P “Do me a favour. Could you be mine?”

OO2 | at first witchy 🧙..then romantic

HEY I’M SUCH AN IDIOT. so at first i kind of wanted the concept of this part to be “older” music like the first track, and keep it within that theme but (again) i lost control. i was also kinda worried if that type of music isn’t your thing so hence why i call this MASTERPIECE “at first witchy..then romantic” bc fleetwoodmac/stevie nicks = witchy.. then the playlist gets cheesy? Haha 500IQ honestly. ANYWAYS.

Sara: so this is honestly one of my all time favorite songs and it has always kind of had a special place in my heart just like anything fleetwood mac does, but when i met you and fell for you the song got a whole new meaning for me and got all the more special. so i just had to include it. “Wait a minute, baby. Stay with me awhile. Said you'd give me light, but you never told me about the fire.”

Hiding Tonight: i don’t know if this is the exact and Real meaning behind the song but i always interpreted it as wanting to be stronger and better for someone, so that’s why that’s here. because even though you sometimes say you don’t deserve me (which is FAKE), i want you to know that it’s me who is encouraged by you to be a better person and to work harder. i’m the one that’s trying to live up to YOU, pwease don’t ever think little of yourself okay.. “And win a prize even if it's rigged, I won't know when to stop. And you can leave off my lid and I won't even lose my fizz.“

Loving Is Easy: i feel like the lyrics for this one are rly self explanatory.. YOU GOT ME FUCKED UP... “Yeah, loving is easy when everything's perfect. Please don't change a single little thing for me.”

My Kind of Woman: fun fact; i’d absolutely fist fight mac demarco if i caught him in the streets idk why i just would. that aside he makes the perfect sappy songs that i can dedicate to you so he can stick around even tho he’s on thin fucking ice. “You're making my crazy, really driving me mad. That's all right with me, it's really no fuss. As long as you're next to me, just the two of us.”

I Know You Know I Love You: at least, i Hope you do.. i only tell you every 5 seconds ;P “You know that I love you and that ain't gonna change. And though you're not here with me now, my love for you stays the same.”