#bc my love of succession and my love of history have overlapped

[juliapark13]

I genuinely cried bc of these things that jm have to go through all from the debut days but especially after what he faced with his debut album, but today its on whole another level, like good for y'all jkkrs and army but as a jm solo who never dragged other members and even streamed some songs for them, this is heartbreaking but one thing I don't understand is why y'all shade rapline especially yg for Jimin's short and disturbed promo time but not jk for immediately flying to the US with bangpd after jm's BB hit 100 #1 and recorded something and posed for 'history in the making' photos with bangpd and scooter braun, is it just because y'all think he's jm's boyfriend or is there something else that supports this favouritism like it's clear that jm's sabotaged by the company because they want jk to be the one to be the breakout star of BTS but jm disrupted by topping the hot 100 and not to support yg when they know that yg is in no way competition with jm as they released in different genres and they're both different in their popularity levels. Lastly I'm not against your beleifs about their relationship or anything I just don't understand not holding up jk to the standards y'all hold up other members when it comes to the sabotage situation of jm because the one who's going to benefit the most from it is going to be jk, so just a genuine doubt..

I genuinely cried too. After every single sabotage. The most heartbreaking thing to see was that false biggest free fall. I weren’t able to get over everything that happened and I won’t be able to.

I didn’t shade rapline, I said it’s only company’s fault, not any member’s fault. I don’t want other members to get sabotaged or to get less promotion so it would be fair. It just shouldn’t be about priviliges. Everyone should get proper promotion. The unfair thing is that JM was robbed and we can’t turn back time, so it will stay like this.

I didn’t understand how Yoongi could get 100+ days of promotion while Jimin got only 9. Since their albums happened to overlap, they could promote both at the same time. Moreover after JM made history. Normal company celebrates huge success of their artists.

I believe in that company are people who can’t stand to see Jimin’s success and they are jealous of his achievements. They were mad after he was No1 for sure.

And to answer your question about JK. JK is my 2nd bias since the beginning, I loved him before I even thought they are in a relationship and his songs are my 2nd favourite, so I’m happy for his success and I’m excited for his album. It’s not his fault company wants him to be their star.

And if JK gets radio? I will be happy for him, but it will be extremely unfair towards Jimin, so at the same time it will make me very sad.

At the end of the day I only hope JM will be even more successful despite everything and every person who wants to put him down, so they all can be even more jealous. He deserves the best in life. There aren’t a lot of people like him.

[gelatogelatogelato]

so i made a list of my personal favorite youtube videos of 2024✨

every year i keep a running playlist of my favorites of the year, but this is the first time i've gone through and curated a list - and to clarify these are videos i watched in the year 2024 and not just videos that came out in 2024, so there are going to be older videos in the list for sure. be warned, it's a long, self-indulgent post. enjoy!

Best Little Videos:

bdg's breakfast sandwich video bdg's cooking videos are such a delight to watch, idk what it is. it's just the best time. and i like that this video also gives you +1 insight into the gastronauts episode he judged for.

korean mom learns to style blasian daughter's hair just a wholesome video of a mom learning how to style afro-textured hair + an adorable little girl. sure this mom could've just looked up a youtube video but this is still cute

sewstine's felicity dress video sewstine recreates the dress for the american girl doll, felicity. she also goes into just what made the original dress so special, because why does this doll have a stomacher. the video itself is such a full circle moment - because of the time and care put into this dress, little sewstine found a love of historical fashion, and her recreating this dress is kind of like seeing a little girl's dream come to life.

hannah witton visits queer, feminist, radical bookshops in london another cozy and delightful watch where sexual health educator hannah witton roams london and visits all the cool little bookshops and talks to their owners. support independent bookstores!

henry danger cast reacts to michael's time article i have never watched henry danger and only saw this because of a quinton reviews video. but it's actually emotional to see a children's network like nickelodeon be so supportive of a trans actor in the main cast of one of their most successful kid sitcoms. that felt like such an impossibility when i was a kid.

jammidodger watching coming out stories on tiktok on a similarly mushy note, these coming out stories on tiktok are so sweet and special and emotional. it's just a lovely watch.

noralities' favorite anime of the 2010s this is one of the first videos i'd watched of noralities, and it definitely seems like their taste and mine have a lot of overlap. not only is every anime going on my watchlist, the video itself is such a comforting watch with noralities' cozy vibe.

i closed my boob in a door and all i got was this vlogbrothers video this is only on here bc my tweet is in it

Delightful Video Essays:

la'ron readus' video on my dad the bounty hunter i've never seen this show but i was convinced to add it to my watchlist. apparently there's a kids' show on netflix with an all-black cast that criticizes late stage capitalism and its effects on families? um sign me tf up

jenny nicholson's star wars hotel video watching jenny nicholson eviscerate a disney property is a fucking blast. no notes. banger video.

strange aeons' oral history of dashcon strange interviews one of the organizers of dashcon as well as several attendees, peeling back layer after layer of dashcon lore. it's simply a must-watch

quality culture's video on del toro's pinocchio quality culture's video essays often have a very cozy vibe to them, like you should be eating soup while watching. but for this particular video, they just seem to have a lot of love for the story of pinocchio. hearing about how the story was originally developed and the story it became under del toro is just lovely to hear about.

kaz rowe's video on lesbians in interwar paris need i say more i will say just a little bit more, kaz rowe is a great channel and the way they cover history and queer history especially is really appreciated, because they're really good at recognizing queerness for what it is without trying to put modern labels on it.

izzzyzzz's deviantart video as a former deviantart kid who shouldn't have been on that platform, this video was a nostalgia trip and also a look into all the things i knew nothing about as a kid

kaz rowe's video on eartha kitt i wanted a fun little video on a beloved icon, instead i answered the question that i absolutely didn't have, "why was eartha kitt investigated by the CIA?" i also think kaz rowe's style suits the story well, because while a lot of essayists could've taken a scandalous approach, kaz rowe presents the story with a lot of love for eartha kitt and a healthy dose of being critical of the government.

Strap In, Big Boy Video Essays:

the leftist cooks' mental illness video after watching this i'm not sure how to feel about the institutions of psychiatry/psychology. the leftist cooks put together a very thorough review of many of the arguments and it's like. there's gotta be a better way to do this. and as someone who entered the healthcare field because of my interest in psych, i want to know this perspective but at the same time it's hard to know what to do with it. good video

quinton reviews' dan schneider video when that doc quiet on the set came out, although it allowed survivors of abuse to tell their stories, it just wasn't a great documentary. it wanted to make schneider the villain, but wandered around to different stories and left out a lot of things that were known. that's why quinton reviews' video on the topic was far superior for me, because he was clear and focused and didn't rely on vibes to make an argument against schneider but called him out for things we know he did.

lindsay ellis' yoko ono video tbh i watched this a while ago in a fugue state but it was very good. of course she explains why it's ridiculous to blame just yoko ono for the beatles breaking up, and goes into the misogyny that yoko experienced, and you can imagine the parallels for lindsay ellis. and every now and then i think of that performance art piece yoko ono did where strangers cut off her clothes. lindsay ellis covers her life beautifully.

jacob geller's who's afraid of red, yellow, and blue video jacob geller is out here crafting a narrative. jacob geller is out here weaving together seemingly unrelated incidents into a cohesive story about fascism. we love to see it.

hank's video on google training AI on youtube videos i feel like we need to talk about this video again. google is training AI on youtube videos. and you can't even opt out.

sarah z's video on narcissists by the time i saw sarah z's video on narcissists, i'd already seen the leftist cooks' video on mental illness that covered narcissists. however, sarah z goes way more into the fear of narcissists and the weird magical thinking. it almost serves as a companion piece to the leftist cooks' video, two perspectives on the same idea.

shanspeare's girl video i've felt so weird about the rise of girl math, i'm just a girl, peak girlhood stuff. women should have fun! but why does everything reinforce existing gender stereotypes! shanspeare takes a close look at the "girl renaissance" and gives words to the weird feeling i've been having, and she eats it up.

philosophy tube's video on death (and palestine) a philosophy channel taking on death is tough. this video is about why we react to death the way we do and what can we do about it. it's also about the war and genocide in palestine, partially, and it's a helpful perspective to have when we're trying to process what's happening and help out.

Best of Gender:

contrapoints' twilight video hands down the best video of the year. i'm sorry. natalie didn't just analyze centuries of gender roles in romance fiction with the framework of twilight, she put forth novel gender philosophy. this video is like a dissertation if it slayed. it's incredible. i rewatch it often.

alexander avila's video on the invention of gender ideology i also watched this a long time ago in a fugue state, all i really remember is that it was a banger deconstruction of the conservative idea of "gender ideology" and that avila was giving mad "guy sitting on a stool" energy and i loved it.

philosophy tube's judith butler / phantasm video abigail thorn uses the framework of reading judith butler over and over to understand their work to explore modern gender philosophy, and why it's so misunderstood. why won't they listen? because a little prism is fucking them up. good video.

Best Explainers:

teen vogue's fast fashion video i've watched lots of 40min-1hr long videos about the negative impact of fast fashion, and those videos have convinced me to change my behavior and shop mostly secondhand. however, if people ask me why I started shopping mostly secondhand, all i can think to say is "uhhh fast fashion bad?" the best thing about this teen vogue video is that it consolidates the issue into a short 5 minute video, and that gives me the tools to say, "hey, this is why i don't do fast fashion" in a shorter and more digestible way. it's also a much easier ask of someone to watch a 5 minute video, if you're someone who sends videos to people.

chubbyemu's paint thinner video chubbyemu does a lot of videos on horrifying medical cases, and that's usually not my vibe. but now that i'm in med school, i do actually wanna know what exactly huffing paint thinner does to the body and how. and so many kids are doing stupid shit like this. it's cool that chubbyemu is educating people about it. don't huff paint thinner guys. please.

vox's 2020 breakdown of fossil fuel use in america climate change is scary. but it's kind of like the monster in a horror movie, the more you know about it, the less doomed you feel. and we have to feel less doomed because feeling doomed makes us less active. this video was a nice breakdown of part of the issue. these stats are from 4 years ago, granted, so lots has changed i'm sure, but it's helpful to know where the fossil fuel use is coming from generally.

Best Commentary Videos:

shanspeare's you video again, i don't remember a lot about this because i watched it a while ago, all i know was that it was a banger, and that the only person i wanna hear analyze you from now on is shanspeare.

leena norms' taylor swift video 2024 was the first year since 2020 that my top artist on spotify wasn't taylor swift, and this video explains why. i feel like the rose-colored glasses came off when taylor swift became a billionaire, and leena norms digs into that conflicting relationship in this video.

mila tequila's one direction deep dive when this video came out, i immediately saved it to my watch later. then 5 days later, liam payne passed away. watching this video felt like a time capsule, remembering in great detail what the one direction era felt like without having to have the knowledge of what it became. liam's passing came with a lot of conflicting feelings for a lot of fans, and this video helps untangle that from a nuanced but caring perspective that is unbiased by what ends up happening.

Best Perspectives:

NotYourMommasHistory's conversation with friend who had a plantation wedding clicking on a title like this is terrifying. thankfully, this video was a fresh perspective and a really useful conversation to listen in on. it's interesting to hear how normal it had felt to do something so deeply weird as using a place built on the blood of enslaved people as a wedding venue, and this friend understands that completely.

hank green's the worst things about not having cancer for as much space serious illness takes up in the cultural imagination, we rarely ever hear from actual people who had the serious illness. if we did, we'd hear more of this - being cancer-free but all the stuff that's changed because of that

olivia kathryn on leaving youtube the interesting thing about this is seeing someone who grew up looking up to youtubers and achieving that dream deciding to stop just because, it's not what she wanted anymore. it's ok to close chapters in your life that no longer serve you, even if you were really successful and even if they fulfilled a dream of yours.

carrie hope fletcher's the versions of myself i've been a fan of carrie since 2013, when i was a child. this look back on carrie's life from her adult perspective (and mine), it's mindboggling and a little heartbreaking and very good.

OG queer youtubers talk (tyler oakley, charlotte mcdonnell, gigi gorgeous) of all the things i expected out of this conversation, charlotte and tyler having to explain the concept of fanfiction to gigi was not one of them

faline san exposing their prestigious high school i LOOVEE exposing a prestigious high school. FUCK prestigious high schools why are we putting this much pressure on CHILDREN let them be KIDS.

having fun at -64°C in Yakutsk, Siberia it's cool to see people living life in harsh climates, but it's even cooler to see city infrastructure that actually cares about keeping people alive in harsh climates

tomska's guide to plagiarism video this no doubt inspired by a certain someone, but this video is not about him at all. instead it's a look through the times creators plagiarized tom and tom plagiarized others, on a scale of "that's a normal thing to do as creatives" to "that's blatant plagiarism"

bts of the crazy ex-girlfriend finale crazy ex-girlfriend has been like, my favorite show for the past 4 years. like yeah i'm gonna be interested in the creative process behind the making of this show. and then the stupid bitch reprise at the end!! beautiful work

Short Films to Check Out:

Seen by TAEETIMEE short animation about relationships aghghh

REPLY by Elle Mills good luck, babe! by elle mills

Best Kendrick vs. Drake Videos:

f.d. signifier's 3 hour kendrick vs. drake video yes i have a whole category just for this because it was just so massive. and this might be the only video you need to see on the topic tbh.

todd in the shadows' not like us review if you decide to watch more, i like todd in the shadows' take because it consolidates my own feelings on the beef while it was happening.

nicole rafiee's video on drake's creep behavior one thing the other videos allude to is "drake's history being a creep" so if you want to know exactly what weird stuff we know that he did, this is a great video for that.

not like us / animal crossing music mashup banger

Videos that gave me Thoughts and Ideas:

hank's cool little office oh the joy it gives me to see a space that reflects the personality of the person in it while perfectly set up to be used by that person effectively

safiya nygaard's 3 day sleeper train video why am i just now hearing that there's a beautiful train that passes through the rockies. that's awesome. can we go

rachel maksy's second wall mural video the first wall mural video gave me thoughts and ideas but the second wall mural video is giving me plans. rachel maksy is just out here painting beautiful murals on her walls. i must learn to paint so that i too can have a beautiful mural on my wall one day.

maddie dragsbaek's video on looking for recess again the 20-somethings yearn for recess. maddie talks about how so much of "exercise" is about this hardcore drive to feel the burn and achieve your "body goals" - and i don't have any body goals, man, i'm just trying to do things that feel good. she brings up the concept of "recess," and how it was just fun, and how healing it is to find something that feels like "recess" as an adult. we really need more spaces like that because moving is fun! dancing is fun, running around is fun, let this shit be fun again!

shar's desktop frog pond video it's a fucking desktop frog pond and it's amazing i love it so much. i obviously downloaded it immediately and it brings me so much joy. i would love to make a little desktop buddy like this one day. it looked like a lot of work, but in an achievable way.

a day in the life of physicians at the eating recovery center so as i mentioned, i'm a little disillusioned with my career, but i watched the latest season of heartstopper then did a little more research and found this video. these videos from the eating recovery center in i guess colorado gave me a look into what working at a place like that would be like, and i liked it a lot. and i wanna keep looking into it.

Advice I actually took:

yoga with adriene's 10 minute morning yoga routine so, in line with maddie dragsbaek's video, i started doing yoga off of youtube. and it didn't feel like recess, because i never was actually a fan of recess, but it did feel healing. i started doing this 10 minute routine every couple of days. it's fucking hard. but the comments are all like, "i was dying," "i had to stop in the middle," "lots of pain," and it's so nice. and adriene herself is very calming and supportive. when i was doing downward dog for a bit, my wrists hurt like hell and i was worried i was doing it wrong. but right afterwards, adriene does a wrist-soothing exercise and i realized, oh, my wrists are supposed to hurt, i didn't do it wrong. all of this made it feel like this was something i could do every couple of days. then, after a month or two of doing this routine every now and then, i did a deep clean of my parents' bathtub and walls - something that always makes my back and arms so sore for the next few days that it'd wake me up when i sleep. but this time, it wasn't even that sore. that was so rewarding. i just wanted to be able to do normal laborious tasks without it ruining my day, and i finally was able to. so this is probably my most watched video of 2024, and i'm glad for it.

rainbowplantlife's saving on groceries video there's not much more to say, really, rainbowplantlife gave some genuinely good advice on saving money on groceries. after this video, i signed up for memberships at my local grocery stores, ate more plant-based, started storing my food better so it would stay good longer, and started freezing anything i could think of. and my grocery bill is sooo economic.

john's what helped through depression "well you're sure not acting like that's your core belief about yourself" changed my life, it's so weird that you can believe that humans are worthy of love and acceptance and then depression tries to say, "except you." we laugh at that but we should be weaponizing the guilt of being fake about our core optimistic beliefs. if you REALLY believed all humans deserved love and acceptance you'd extend that to yourself! or, at least, that helped me.

Best Dan and Phil Videos:

phil's birthday charity stream & dan's birthday charity stream name a more iconic duo than two aging twinks shaving slits into each others' eyebrows and doing catholic roleplay to raise over $200,000 for the palestinian children's relief fund. i'll wait

phil's life-threatening gastrointestinal hemorrhage video i can't say i particularly enjoyed this video, i will say i am haunted by it? like the story is harrowing but they just recount it like it's any old story time. good stuff

date night with dan and phil look, everyone knew all these other dan and phil videos were going to make the dan and phil section of this list. however, i want to shout out this video in particular - deliciously parasocial, so charming and funny, and so lore-heavy. the simultaneous "bear." the "did i say annoying?" the “stalking your partner on social media” card. 10/10 this is peak dan and phil

dan and phil's halloween baking mug cake video it's halloween baking. what else do you want from me.

dan and phil's interview with junkee i LOOVEEE when dan and phil are interviewed by phannies. they ask what we want to know!! how creatively involved were they in danandphilbeats! why doesn't dil have windows! how do they feel about their relationship to their fans! and i love to hear dan yap while phil stares into my soul.

Best Music Videos

casual by chappell roan if i saw a beautiful man-eating monster walk out of the ocean, i too would make a home for her in my bathtub and decorate an ocean-themed room for her

mon laferte's tiny desk concert obviously it's tiny desk and it's mon laferte so they sound amazing and the band is amazing and the vocals are incredible and it's such a great watch but on top of all that they're in a CHURCH. she's in a WEDDING DRESS, several months pregnant, fucking stunning. tu falta de querer and amor completo???? ugh so good

muna's tiny desk concert we could've stopped at country silk chiffon and we would've had it all. then they did acoustic stayaway. i will never recover

annapantsu's cover of waiting on a miracle i truly love stephanie beatriz in all that she does, but i do feel like annapantsu's cover of waiting on a miracle really unlocks the potential of this song. the song doesn't have a proper satisfying belt until the last line, so you just hear anna's vocals bubbling up more and more intensely just waiting for the chance to let loose and shine.

pseudo-world's guitar cover of von dutch i loved brat. brat with guitars??? unstoppable.

benjamin callins' cover of i see the light with his younger self where callins performs the duet from tangled with an earlier recording of his pre-transition self singing rapunzel's part. this song takes a whole new meaning from this perspective, it's really beautiful.

filmbrolesbian's edit of pink pony club to an array of queer cinema the sheer concept alone just made me cry. the edit pulls together pose, pariah, but i'm a cheerleader, brokeback mountain, EEAAO, bottoms, moonlight, fried green tomatoes, aloto - just all of these queer movies and tv shows spanning the past 30 years, set to pink pony club. i wasn't quite convinced in the first couple seconds, but it just kept going with more and more queer stories. gorgeous

ctrl ult delete's hatsune miku cover of oblivion this is a great miku cover of a really good grimes song and it's formatted like a shittenyanyo shitpost. and that adds to it. it's necessary, actually.

boygenius's the film i never got around to watching this, and then brat summer and chappell roan and fun, glamorous queer music took over 2024. but a couple weeks ago i finally got around to watching this and god it's so good. it's so good guys. i love divas, but i really, really love seeing women in indie just run around looking like normal people, painting houses blue and singing in slow motion during a monster truck rally. fuck yeah

paramore's cover of dreams live in dublin it's really special to see the biggest female rock singer right now cover a cranberries song in dublin. rip dolores o'riordan <3.

that's it. this was really long. i really like youtube. ok i'm gonna disappear for months again bye

[turtleneck-wambsgans]

scared away by snakes

It’s late in the evening, and Tom is sprawled out on the couch in the living room of his and Greg’s new apartment. The two had moved in a few weeks ago, deciding that it would be more convenient to live together rather than find two separate places in the New York housing market which was generally terrible, but particularly awful right now. Tom mindlessly scrolls through titles on Netflix, bored and alone, but too restless to settle on any one show.

Greg’s out with his friends, whom Tom is not entirely convinced exist. At frequent moments throughout the day, Tom tried to imagine the array of vapid millennials with whom Greg would be friends - a guy who always wears a beanie and overalls, a girl with electric yellow hair and a tattoo of RBG. At every fictive person he created, he simultaneously shuddered and sniggered. He’s only a little bit worried about his friend’s absence- it’s quite late. Greg should be back by now, shouldn’t he?

Just like clockwork, Tom hears the front door open, and the uneven tapping of shoes on the ground growing ever louder. Shoes Tom bought him, that is. After a few moments, Greg reaches the living room and smiles down at Tom. Tom can see the tiredness in his eyes.

“Hello, Gregory. Long day, was it? You scale the Empire State Building? Try and chat up a descendant of the Rockefellers?”

“What, Tom? No, we just walked around the city and got dinner and stuff.”

“And what do you have there, Greg?” Tom asks, pointing at a bright red paper bag that has the words ‘The MET’ clearly printed on it in white.

“Oh yeah! Right,” Greg says, his eyes brightening just a bit. He moves to sit down beside Tom, settling himself before continuing. 

“So we, like, went to the Met and they had this... like this exhibit on the Romans. We didn’t get to see much of it, because it was almost closing time. But I saw this one piece- it was this- this snake bracelet? Like, it was a snake curled up on itself. It was gold.”

“Uh huh,” Tom hums, dubiously.

“And when I was in the gift shop, I saw this replica of it as, like, a keychain. And it kinda reminded me of you. So, I bought it? For you,” Greg says, opening his bag and revealing the small trinket. 

He reaches over to give it to Tom, who automatically accepts it. Tom isn’t sure how he’s supposed to feel about it. ‘When are snakes ever a good thing?’ he thinks. ‘Aren’t they the literal Biblical symbol of evil?’

“Gregory... why the ever-loving fuck did a snake bracelet remind you of me?”

Greg laughs, an uncertain thing. He takes a sharp intake of breath.

“Well, there was a little description beside it, and apparently Emperor Nero used to wear a bracelet like this one. There was some rumour that, when he was a kid, some people tried to kill him. But then there were snakes? In his room? And they scared the people that had come to kill Nero. He, like, denied the story, but when he was older, he wore a bracelet like this. So to him, it was kinda a form of protection, against any plots or danger.”

Tom isn’t breathing. His eyes dart between Greg’s face and the object in his hands. Greg goes on, his voice ever quieter.

“And I just thought, maybe, it’d be a nice thing for you to have? Because this world we exist in, it’s so crazy all the time. Like, we never know for sure whether we’re safe and...”

Greg trails off, having noticed the odd look on Tom’s face. It’s unreadable to him, which is never a good sign. Terrified he’s made an embarrassing mistake, he rushes to make amends.

“Oh God, is this, like, too weird? I’m so sorry, man.” Greg starts, reaching over to grab the keychain. “I’ll take it back. Just forget about it and-” 

“NO!” Tom shouts, tightening his grip on the trinket and startling Greg.

“No?”

“I... It’s really...” Tom pauses. He doesn’t know what to say. 

He looks up, gaze boring into Greg’s doe-eyed stare. Agonisingly, the silence draws on. A warm feeling swirls in Tom’s stomach. He finally speaks.

“Thank you... Sporus.”

At that, a warm smile settles on Greg’s face. He looks down to hide his reddening cheeks. Tom stops for a moment, thinking.

“Hey, um, you know that exhibit you visited?”

“A-about the Romans?” Tom nods. “Yeah?”

“Would you maybe be interested in spending some more time going through it?”

Greg looks up, and asks, “With... with you?”

“With me,” Tom all but whispers back.

“I... I’d like that, Tom,” Greg says, smiling.

Tom chuckles. “Well, good. We’ll go, say, next Saturday? And if you’re good, I’ll take you out for dinner.”

“If I’m good?”

“I don’t know, I’m just saying stuff. Next Saturday, the Met and then dinner.”

“Cool! Then it’s a...” Greg trails off, scared to say the wrong thing.

“It’s a date,” Tom supplies, grinning. Greg beams back.

“According to a rumour, there was a plot against Nero as a child. However, the men sent to kill him were scared away by snakes in his bedroom. Nero dismissed the story, but later wore a snakeskin encased in a gold bracelet.”

Nero: the man behind the myth (2021), THE BRITISH MUSEUM

[kirisaki-daichi-scenarios]

a discussion of jabberwock with team interaction hcs + deeper nash analysis

for anon who asked "Can we get some headcanons for jabberwock members or like headcanons when they're together? (its okay if it was jason or nash only)" and made me realise it's about time i get these guys' personalities down

note before we start: cause i didn't know their names until i wrote this

zack is the bald one, allen is the one with a headband, nick is the other white guy apart from nash.

team hcs

nick gets bullied for being under 6ft, but not by jason

nah good old jason teases all of them for being short fucks, emphasising that they’re all 5ft tall in comparison to him

he 100% lifts things out of the others' reach and then laughs for ages after when they try get them

unfortunately though, they’re all used to this and now just ignore him. either that or nash stares at him so intensely jason actually repents and hands it back

zack’s another one with a very good glare, but he’s used it too often on jason and it’s since stopped working.

also jason gives me ‘straightens his back as much as possible when getting measured so he’ll measure in as 7ft’ vibes

oh and he thinks he could wrestle a gator and win. i’ve got no explanation for that except for the fact you can't tell me it's ooc.

allen’s very protective over his white headband - it’s his lucky item - but he’d never let anyone know that

he’s confident in his abilities like the rest of them, but there’s nothing wrong with wearing a headband just in case

(nash knows anyway)

they watch nba matches together and do not shut up once throughout the entire match - lots of jeering, booing each other if someone criticises a player they like, lots of “i could do that”, lots of “get your fucking hand out of my popcorn do you want me to punch you in the face” etc

they used to all live together, but nash has since moved out. he was sick and tired of trying to make people do chores, as the only one who kept their room clean.

yeah the others’ house looks like a heap of trash but also very much “where’s my toothbrush?” “it’s in the third coke can by the orange peel behind the sink” *silence* “yeah thanks” *a minute later* “who the fuck has been using my toothbrush”

they’re all “bro your dribbling sucks why are you on this team loser” to one another, but also very protective (aka arrogant for one another) if anyone else Dared to criticise one of their teammates

then again, what kind of person would criticise jabberwock

half of the time he spends with jabberwock, nash is a Single Mother TM trying to get a bunch of man children to behave; the other half of the time, he's just as bad as the rest of them

i talk about this a lot but i get the feeling nash is an exceptionally hard worker, but at least he gets to let his hair down around his teammates sometimes

nash is also the only person jason thought was truly ‘strong’ at first sight

and nash is also the only person who can beat jason in a fight, and also the only person who can get nash to train, and also the only person who can.. [etc. you see my point].

(n.b jason calls himself the ‘almighty me’, nash says that ‘even god can’t beat me’. point made.)

you know how jason silver’s motto is “I have never thought”

imagine him proudly stating that, before zack adds with a straight face, “yeah cause nash does it for you.”

in short, the team would fall apart without nash.

although the team’s communication and coordination is very fine tuned, nash is the guy who keeps everything in order off the court to prevent what is essentially a team of aces ('main characters', if you will) from falling apart

they hang out together a lot, but do all have other friend groups that do not overlap

team bbqs

unofficial rule not to criticise anchovies on pizza because the one time nick did, nash snapped

however pineapple on pizza is fair game, even though zack quite likes it

more than once, jason has brought a girl home and nick has stolen her attention away with effortless trick shots, funky ball manoeuvring etc

more than once nick has had to trek to nash’s place (with a black eye) at midnight to have somewhere to sleep

do you see a correlation?

oh and everyone in the team has been walked in on by nash when they were naked with some girl

nash has absolutely no shame

he apologises to the girl with a charming albeit insincere tone, and then remains standing in front of the bed/couch until his teammate does what he expected of them

usually it involves not having come to practice

allen learnt a few (emphasis on ‘few’) words of japanese before they travelled to japan and was disappointed that he never got to use them

that said, one of those words was hentai

and now a quick analysis of some panels

a) so there's at least one player who wasn't underestimating vorpal swords. if i were to overanalyse, i'd add that nick's wearing a hoodie (possibly athletic wear) whilst nash has a 'fancy' shirt on; perhaps nick wasn't expecting them to be going to host clubs instead of chilling/training?

b) i know what you're thinking: "how can you say nash is a hard worker when he didn't want to practice for the match". i reckon he was still pretty high on the complete and utter success of their previous match, that plus being around girls, encouraged him to have a more 'jason-y' personality. (either that or fujimaki didn't want to add too much depth/realism into nash's character bc he's unequivocally the villain, right? and obviously this helps with the plot and the jabberwock bad geniuses gom good geniuses rhetoric.)

earlier, i mentioned how nash is the only one that could keep the team together, and is thus the undeniable head of the team; here's a clear example. you can see both jason and zack have no interest in continuing - if anything, there's disgust in their faces, kinda just saying "we spat on all of japan, now we can go home". whereas nash won't allow for the slightest of possibilities that there might exist a team stronger than them, and hence agrees to the match. the key thing here is that the others do as he says without too much fuss.

another thing to note is nash's reference to harakiri. now what can we make of that, alongside his proficiency in japanese, in relation to his character? the way i see it, he's either a weeb or possibly has some japanese lineage. (you could spin that even further and say his mother was japanese, taught him the language, then abandoned him, and hence his almost excessive hatred/mockery of the japanese people.) (is that why he wanted to do another match in japan..?)

just a quick point. "thanks to him" - jason isn't so superior as to think that he could win this match effortlessly without nash's support. links pretty nicely with my earlier idea about how nash is the only person jason has always considered 100% strong.

yet another point about how nash is the strongest of the team in pretty much every way you can think of. you know how scary/powerful you have to be to shut jason up (after he's getting real pissed from being prevented from scoring?)

i personally think this is a pretty important panel, though i've never seen anyone mention it before. did nash grow up training in a professional basketball training situation, as opposed to growing up playing streetball like i suspect the others did? well, to answer that question, imma bring in another panel.

here we see visible rage on nick, zack and jason's faces - they can't accept their loss, which is fair enough. but i'd argue that nash's face seems to depict sadness more than it does anger like to rest of them, look at how downturned his mouth is - and he's looking away from the 'camera', as if hiding his shame.

when you combine that with what he says here, i have no doubt that this is someone who has experienced some proper lows in basketball - as would be expected from someone who's played 'properly'. he's possibly not even a prodigy like the rest of them - compare jason's motto with his. "i have never thought" versus "do not suppose opportunity will knock twice at your door".

there's various lines of thinking you could design with this - he might have been trained by alex (hence, himuro having heard of jabberwock, though he should have known of a team as popular of jabberwock regardless), he might have grown up with professional basketballer parents etc. but here's my own little theory:

nash received serious basketball training from early on - maybe because his parents were living vicariously through him, or maybe he always loved the sport and wanted to be no1. so there he was training away, but, as he grew older, it started getting all a bit too much.

he didn't want to dedicate his entire life to basketball. after all, his hobby is water sports and his speciality is boxing; that's a lot of different things to be keeping up with, whereas the pipeline for promising athletes demands people focus solely on basketball. as a result, nash become bitter: stopped attending practice regularly, got in trouble for trash talk of increasing severity, etc.

result was he was kicked out of the program.

only when he was no longer playing basketball again, did he realise how much he missed it. and hence he got into streetball, where he was tremendously successful as someone with so much training, 'elite skills', and the overly confident attitude to boot.

then, one fateful day, he met jason and the rest is history.

[that-thing-that-feeling]

i still think the siouxie writing isn't as bad as you make it out to be. first of all, just bc a couple acts appear to exist in the same cultural space doesn't mean everyone is listening to them both or knows who they are. jonathan's existing in a time before widespread mtv (cable was SO expensive back then), siouxie was v much a niche goth act, and just bc we now associate joy division and siouxie with the same kind of countercultural people doesn't mean their fanbases ACTUALLY overlapped (1/2)

(con’t) as much as you seem to think. acts like that got attention and fame in magazines but not always the same ones, and fanzines were much more specialized. jonathan probably encountered her albums at records stores, etc., but how much do you pay attention to the records you're not interested in, you know? especially if you're a 16-year-old. and considering it's an overwhelming situation for him to be in, and he's distracted by nancy, that interaction always rang true (and truly awkward) to me. (2/2)

i love this ask tbh and there are some great pts, but i disagree on some of this. for instance, siouxsie wasn’t a niche goth act--she had more chart success both in the uk and even cracked american charts with spellbound and cities in dust slightly before/around the same time as these other bands. i think arguably jonathan might be more into u.s. college rock (rem, maybe ult the pixies?) than it appears in s1, but to take the uk post punk/new wave side, once the show mentions that jonathan likes the smiths and is deep into joy division, it should mean he at least knows siouxsie, the cure, 1984 onwards depeche mode, echo and the bunnymen, killing joke, maybe the chameleons, etc. so i def think it’s bad writing; the only excuse you can make is he gets awk and completely blanks, but what it feels like is they go for the stupid kiss joke instead of character continuity.

as to how he’s getting that music, idk, the music history side of this i’ve read/heard, is the british now so-called ‘classic alternative’ bands (not the duran duran/‘new romantic’ side that was coming to the u.s. via MTV), were coming into the u.s. via radio stations like KROQ, WLIR, plus college radio, and then also building an american audience via touring. there’s a GREAT podcast ep that focuses exactly on this (it’s a bit of history of joy division/new order, the cure, depeche, the smiths in the uk, but specifically it’s on how they enter into the u.s. and become a huge part of u.s. 80s “alternative” music, but then end up cracking the us market so much, that by the late 80s, they’re chart topping and landing a bizarre level of commercial success).

but back to jonathan in indiana in the 80s--idk, my guess is to know those british bands, he’d need 1) access to a really solid record store (side note: ST totally should have given us a scene of him in a record store but prob never will smh), 2) prob access to a good college radio station. i doubt NME and melody maker are available to him in indiana, and i’m not sure if there were us equivalents at the time, but those mags were def covering all those bands at once. i get the pt about the same cultural space, as definitely these bands are v diff from one another, and often defy any labels/genres thrown at them, but my understanding is a lot of it wasn’t just retroactively applied, like, here’s a 1983 rolling stone article discussing a “second british invasion,” that part did seem to be recognized at the time, and there was a kind of grouping.

[reimenaashelyee]

Cackling

I’m reading this book on the aftermath of Alexander’s campaigns and I’m licking my chops MMM I love this hot, burning historian tea unafraid to call out incompetence and colonialism.

The historian uncle is fair-minded though, so he does acknowledge Alexander’s successes and brilliance in specific things. But Alexander’s disinterest and lack of foresight in everything else? And the side characters who act like vultures after his death? *SLAMS FIST* YEAH!! I LOVE IT WHEN HISTORY GAINS COLOUR!!

Never in my life am I ever interested in Great Man history (and its related machismo) until the facade comes crumbling down, after which I clap my hands and dance around the salt pyre demanding for more destruction.

It’s really interesting to see historians’ account of Alexander in comparison to the romantic one. I’ve got some carrots in the soup now, brewing some ideas about how to portray those differences (and where they overlap and disrupt) in comics form.

And special treat for you all. A snippet of the first draft of the Alexander Comic.

In a coffeehouse somewhere in Persia, an old storyteller speaks, with a quirky kind of gravitas. He does not reveal himself, except through his hands, which gesture dramatically. He is clearly our narrator for this book.

Now, my friends, tell me: have you, with your two eyes and two ears and one mouth, known any figure such that the world had never seen before, and never will again?

You have? Brilliant!

We know him by many faces and many names.

Can you say the same of his life and his deeds?

Ah. You at the back, you nod. And you at the front, you shake your head.

Such is the fate of this man, to be known by everyone and no one.

And yet here I am, telling you another tale about him.

And yet here you are!

He claps.

Hush now, and turn your two ears and two eyes and one heart to my story among stories, of the many lives and many deeds of this man of manies.

Of Alexander the Great.

---------------------------

1.

Babylon, 323 BC.

We open to a party in a Persian palace. Wine flows freely, as men appear to grow drunker in the reverie of court dancers and bards and acrobats. Seated on a couch is Alexander, a leonine, stocky man of 32, with skin tanned brown from the labour of conquest, tousled waves, and a neck that forever tilts upwards, defaulting his head in the silent language of arrogance. What stand out the most about him, are his eyes. Gentle, with a feminine quality, and strikingly asymmetrical. The left is blue as the sky, the right is dark as the night. Through those eyes, he appears disinterested.

This physical appearance is the Lysippos’ face; the main face that Alexander wears across the story.

Beside him is a young cupbearer, pouring wine into a goblet that Alexander holds. He takes a long sip, and wipes the wine from his lips.

Alexander: This isn’t enough.

The young cupbearer is replaced by an older servant, an elderly uncle in green robes and a magnificent white beard. Alexander places the goblet on this servant’s plate.

Servant: Oh, my lord, how come? Is all this pomp insufficient?

The party melts away, and Alexander is now alone in his private quarters, except for the servant who still holds the plate and goblet. Alexander leans against the balustrade, and gazes at the night sky. His blue eye is striking.

Alexander: I’m not talking about my wealth. I’m talking about...me.

Alexander: One day, Alexander will grow old and lose his mind. And they will say, oh what a shame, he was once great. Now he is a useless old man.

The servant smiles patiently at him. A bit of ironic humour.

Alexander: Servant, how is it that I can conquer lands innumerable, create riches where there is none...but I know not the secret of life? What is the point of all this goodness, all this hard work, if I cannot keep them forever? Am I the fool? No, no. I’m Alexander the Great. I can’t be the fool!

His anxiety clearly shows. He grips the balustrade tightly, and hangs his head low, so that his long hair covers his face.

Alexander: There must be a way…

Servant: If my lord allows me a word…

Alexander: Speak.

Servant: I’ve heard tale of a Water of Life.

Alexander turns around in interest at this piece of information. His hair still covers most of his face, only his blue eye is showing.

Alexander: Really?

Servant: It is said to flow at the very end of the world, in the Land of Darkness. Whoever drinks it shall maintain their youth, and live...forever.

Alexander’s mood turns around and he is very happy. He pulls the hair away from his face.

Alexander: Perfect. Let’s go find it.

Servant: Oh, it’ll be a difficult journey, my king.

Alexander snaps his fingers.

Alexander: That shan’t be a problem. After all, am I not Alexander the Great, son of the god Amun? Have I not proved I can do anything?

He smiles with a mixture of arrogance and delight, and a glint in his black eye.

Alexander: Tomorrow we rise at dawn, and travel.

[mandivsman-blog]

So, I came to the end of a situationship about a month ago with a man I realized I didn’t know at all. We were seeing each other for about 3 months and I would consider it long distance. Now, he did the classic “love bomb” (telling me he loved me right away, selling me all type of extravagant dreams, calling and leaving messages multiple times a day) a love avoidant technique and towards the end I found out he was deeply troubled, didn’t think he was, and was probably not going to change. He actually turned me OFF at first. I found him clingy but was simultaneously intrigued because I thought he was successful, well traveled, and thought we were looking for the same things word for word. Now, I’m not excusing my part in this. He was not my usual type and at the first sign of trouble I should have left. He was 40 years old, hundreds of sexual partners, never lived with someone, moved all over the country, single for multiple years, never had a long term relationship (2+), never stayed in one place for very long, had no sense of normalcy or routine, was very emotional but lacked empathy for others, and I got a sense he thought people were disposable. And, through all of those things, he was still just being who he was. Not good, not bad. Just him.

Why did I hang around? Well, what is the #1 thing that makes us attracted to another person?

Whether THEY’RE attracted to US. Yes, that’s right, if they like you, that’s half the attraction right there. He was a Casanova right away. Spoke beautifully, like a poem. He supposedly noticed and loved things in about me that I love about myself. He was externally successful, intellegent, funny, clever. We connected deeply on a sexual level as well. It was easy to open up about things I wanted and rarely shared. We had similar goals about the future.

See, it’s easy for a man to give me attention. I glamour/alternative model, sex positive, and extremely open but they don’t know me. They don’t know my past or my fears. Men tell me things all day, everyday. It’s easy for me to simply overlook because it’s the same words over and over. A man can look 10/10, be wealthy and fit and I will feel no sense of attraction. I have to hear the right words.

Words are meaningful but they lose their value if the actions aren’t parallel. This is where it sticky because the words vs. actions is a perception and thus subjective. One person may feel like their words match their actions perfectly yet the other person feels like they are doing they exact opposite. Is there really any objective truth?

Patterns. If it weren’t for recognizing patterns in science we wouldn’t have centuries of information that’s saved millions of lives and responsible for almost every innovation we have. There’s truth in patterns. He told me multiple stories and I noticed patterns. But, what is the truth? Was it my history of being scared of men and not trusting him that made me notice these patterns? Did they matter? And who should I ask for answers?

I choose not to be in a relationship for a long time. I was in a multiple year, live-in, serious relationship for most of my twenties with the only person I ever loved. The split was, in laymen’s terms, because I didn’t want to move forward and take our relationship seriously enough. This still haunts me some days, some days I think it was a blessing. I felt like a kid most of that relationship but I still remember how freeing and how fufilling full trust and endless love and affection was.

He loves me. He would never hurt me. He cares if I have a headache or a bad day. He makes me a priority. He wants to make me happy. He protects me.

And, In turn, I did the same plus more.

That relationship had been outgrown, unfortunately, and there was nothing him or I could do to stop it. He was air headed and light. Surface level. I am intense, quirky, horny, intense, highly-intelligent, inquisitive, complex. I take up space. I crave learning, doing, seeing, questioning. He liked watching TV.

After our split, I had a rough several years. I needed time to heal and figure things out. This time was the first time I truly spent time alone instead of jumping back in a relationship or dating. This is the best thing that I have ever done.

When a person goes from relationship to relationship, fuck to fuck, person to person, they just wind up mirroring their current partners personality instead of cultivating their own. Chamaeleon like. You need consist, heart wrenching, gut churning time alone. A person needs time to let their heartbreak, disappointed heal to change the essence of their character. This is growth. Jumping from one person to another is a distraction. It chips away. Now, I’m not talking about taking interest in your partners interests. I actually love that part of relationships because I love learning from my partners. I’m talking about melding your life with theirs and basically becoming your partner. 

Anyway, I kept on trying to break it off with this person. He was saying beautiful words but I could never feel comfortable with him. He was had no schedule and his stories didn’t match up. I would bring up inconsistencies but he would shrug them off.

Doubt began to built.

When we began seeing each other he did tell me there was some overlapping but about a month in I decided I didn’t want to see someone with that kind of baggage and tried to break it off. He told me, “I have no one else.” Now, it was just “I have no one else.” It was paragraph after paragraph. Phone call after phone call cementing the fact that there was no one else and he wanted me, was pursuing me, and saw a future with me.

But, that wasn’t the case.

He was still boo loving and fucking that girl. I asked him again and he finally told me the truth. A 24 year old girl (he’s 40), with severe co-dependent issues. He told me her current boyfriend (they’re in an open relationship)was older than him and basically controlled her whole life and didn’t treat her well. I felt for that, no one deserves that but hearing that he was OK with entering the life of that person who was extremely sick, and fucking her changed the way I looked at him. If he wanted to help her without the benefit of sex, that would be one thing. I was devastated. I couldn’t understand how someone could tell me the things he had said to me and blantantly lie to me.

Still I tried to make things work because I felt like we could have a great future together...and I just couldn’t fucking let that go...

He told me he would break it off. I asked “in person?” And he said “My therapist and I will decide.” This puzzled me and hurt me. After this situation caused so much drama between us, why add more strife? Remember how he thought she deserved a break up person when I tell you how he disrespectfully ended things with me...

And, I just want to add, if things hadn’t moved lightening fast between us, I would not have felt this way. I’ve been through similar situations with men I’ve cared for and have never been in as much pain as that betrayal made me feel. When clearing out my phone of anything regarding him, I deleted over 20 voicemails from him.

He told me “I don’t want to lose you. I’ve never met anybody like you and I’m scared I won’t again.”

Sounds like bullshit, I know, but everybody secretly wants to hear that from their partner. It felt so good. It felt like I found a friend and lover who had plenty of experience but out of all those women he picked me. We all want to believe that. We all play the fool sometimes.

Anyway, I was in rare form. Since the quarantine I had stopped taking my ADHD med bc of insurance issues which I really need for multiple things including mood, and focus, my mental health was declining, I was drinking a lot, I had little direction, and here this man comes along to swipe me off my feet. He had some extravagant baggage which, when I first heard, I was like “this is not my guy but fun for now”, but I grew to want to walk with him through his problems, grow with him, and nurture him. That’s who i am. The problem was, I couldn’t trust or forgive him. So, he wasn’t doing the actions needed to help restore trust. The second he hurt me and I started reacting, I could feel him start pulling away. He had multiple, heavy things going on and whether he wanted to build trust but couldn’t bc he was busy or he didn’t care to, I will never know.

I also was trying to connect with my absent father at the time which did not go well. I should have known better. Every time my father tries to reconnect with me, my life and psych gets flipped on it’s head because, he’s still the same man who abandoned my mother and I when I was a child. See, it would be different if he had done therapy or actually attempted to be a better human but he hasn’t. He just shows up periodically and says “forgive me.” And I’m not, “no, you selfish mother fucker, show me you’ve changed.” He can’t. He’s 50 years old and is who he is. He disturbs my life subconsciously and consciously. He is to me. I was having a this battle with my father and trying to make things work with my love interest...

But I couldn’t stop being angry with him. I couldn’t stop feeling stupid for trying to believe what he was trying me. I kept trying to break off the relationship like once a week. At the time, I really didn’t want to be with him. I felt disgusted with his character but breaking down the root of that action, I just wanted to manipulate him into comforting me.

How pathetic is that?

Such a hard pill to swallow for me. I didn’t have the tools to regulate my emotions and communicate what I needed. I didn’t have the balls to firmly let go of the relationship. I was miserable running in circles.

Now, this was the absolute wrong thing to do and definitely is emotional blackmail. I hated that I was doing it. It hurt me and weighed me down. The person I cared for was walking on eggshells. I was hurting the person I cared for and he was also hurting me.

When I would drink, I would have meltdowns. They weren’t funny or cute. They were hurtful and designed to cause pain. If we’re talking in self-help terms..every time I would feel triggered, my “pain body” or “shadow” would be stimulated and their main function is the cause damage and posing as a faux coping mechanism.

Painbody-“It is an accumulation of painful life experience that was not fully faced and accepted in the moment it arose. It leaves behind an energy form of emotional pain. It comes together with other energy forms from other instances, and so after some years you have a “painbody,” an energy entity consisting of old emotion.”

I remember painbody being described in Eckort Tolle’s “The Power of Now” as “A lizard eating it’s own tail.” A pain that causes you to hurt people and that also hurts you to hurt people. I hadn’t been triggered like this is years. My mind forgot how to protect itself in a healthy way. I was just doing the best I could.

I met his parents and brother in Denver. This meant a lot to me because, for me, I would never introduce my mother to someone I wasn’t sure about. To me, that’s unfair to my mother to constantly bring man after man over for him to meet.

At this point, communication is declining, he’s trying to do the books for several businesses, meet up with friends, travel, and work...yet is trying to build a connection with me? It wasn’t the right time. I needed to feel like the person who supposedly “loved” me actually cared about integrating me into their life. We had nothing planned to see each other, he always made plans last minute. This was another big reason I couldn’t feel comfortable with him. He expected me to be completely on his schedule. Every time he would tell me, 5-7 ahead of the time he was free and I’d have to completely change my schedule for him. I would have to change plans with friends, family. I’d have to move shifts around at work and lose money. Also, he used to call me in the middle of the night and I would wake up and answer. During his all night shifts sometimes he would sometimes call me multiple times. I was so discombobulated. I was trying to be there for him. I wanted to be with him.

Last time I saw him I flew to Seattle. It was going fine until i asked whether he was still talking to that young girl. He said he had. He also acted like she had a family emergency and I was some monster for being upset about him talking to her. At that moment, I knew it wasn’t over between them. He was also showing me something on his phone and I held it a little closer to my face and he snatched the phone out of my hand. Both situations he convinced me I was wrong and should believe him despite his sneaky, withdrawn behavior. I had so much anxiety. I drank the rest of the weekend to try and calm down which had the opposite affect.

After I came home, We barely spoke. I tried to break it off with him twice. He send me a picture of him crying. I was sick. I couldn’t feel better. It had been so long since a man made me feel so small, so insignificant. Everything he said and did contradicted each other. What was the truth?

I began to not tell me friends anything because I was so embarrassed that I still stuck around. I don’t know why but I believed he was good. I believe he cared for me. I believed we could make it.

I went to a therapy appointment and laid everything out in a brutal 2 hour session. I was transparent because I knew I couldn’t figure this out without complete honesty. I called him crying, telling him I missed him and wanted to make this work. At this point, he seemed nonchalant. I think he probably was already seeing the girl again at this point bc he was completely different. That week he was working and barely spoke to me. He answered me hours later. He cared nothing for me. He was tired of my reactions and thought he was absent of responsibility for my behavior.

This made me feel desperate. Desperate for an answer, desperate for a reason. Desperate for the truth. I felt the pull of abandonment on my chest. I called him, he wouldn’t answer. I called again, he wouldn’t answer. This bothered him. When I would speak to him he would act annoyed with me like I was bothering him. Remember though, this man would call me 5-7 times a day, leave multiple messages, send pictures and videos all day long, and a week before this, send a picture of his ass crying. I have NEVER had such a piece of emotional manipulation sent to me IN MY LIFE. And just like that, he snatched all that back. It meant nothing.

I reached out one more time. I spilled my heart out. I said we could start over again. I had meant what I said. He sounded reluctant the whole time but eventually agreed. I promised that I was working daily on forgiving him and working to feel safe in my own body as to not project on him. It didn’t feel right. After this conversation I felt uneasy. I really thought “this is my person and I’m gonna have cute little, smart babies with him”, but at this point he made it seem like it was a competition. I knew there was other women, possibly multiple, I would knew I would never be happy not being the queen. I wouldn’t be able to respect him or look up to him. I knew he had no sense of loyalty and yet I still wanted to make it work. Him not having loyalty perplexed me because his parents are good people his and been together for years and years.

My phone rings at 2:30, I thought he was attempting to make more contact with me (bc that was one of the things I had said would make me feel comfortable) but he sounded weird. I asked “Why did you call me?” And, I don’t really remember what he said but, it was along the lines of “this is the way it is and I don’t wanna deal with it. This is not for me.” He broke things off with me. Then, to add insult to injury, he added “The man you end up with is going to be the happiest man in the world.” Man, stfu. If you’re a man and you’re reading this, never fucking do that. It’s just so shitty and pretentious. This is a pattern of his. He did it to someone else with me. But he felt the other woman deserved in person and I deserved a 2 minute fuck you phone call at 2:30 am. That being said, my guess is he tried to break it off with her but a. It was never completely broke off bc he’s not capable of making a firm decision and B. She’s young and naive so it’s easier not to be held accountable and she’ll be less likely to enforce her needs c. She’ll let him fuck who he wants bc she’s nonmonagomous. D. It’s a trauma bond. E. They lived in the same state. It was just so fucking obvious and I tried to force myself to ignore it.

Anyway, I said goodbye.....and went right the fuck back to sleep. I am not kidding when I say, the weight had been lifted right then and there. Sure, I was mad I was disrespected, lied to, and maltreated but the limbo and that weird feeling in my tummy was torturing me. I spent a week boohooing. I liked him, I missed him but, all in all it wasn’t that deep. I didn’t love him, I was ATTACHED to him. I wouldn’t have been attached to him if he didn’t sell me a dream.

I had screenshots of some of grandiose things he’s said to me and honestly, I just had to laugh. Sometimes it’s hard for me to believe what people are capable of.

But, I’m giving myself a break. Since quarantine I’ve been through some changes. After the quarantine started, my yoga studio closed which I went to 5 days a week. I was also meditating at least 5 days a week.I feel like I was really happy and grounded. The difference between my psych then and now is profound. When I lost my job I couldn’t afford my ADHD med this summer so I had to abruptly stop it (Stratera) which definitely left me kind of out of sorts. I wasn’t working, I was alone, I was worried about money, I moved, my (absent) father was trying to come back into my life all while trying to take care of anyone and everyone I could because that’s just what I do. Also, I have a pattern of Rocky starts in relationships. I try to be who I am from the beginning, work things out, and then have a great rest of the relationship without waiting until 2 years in for you to find out that I’m awful. I’ve had good and bads experiences with this. 🤷🏼‍♀️

I was stupid. I can’t even say I wont act stupid in another relationship again. I probably will because sometimes I suck and that’s okay.

To be continued and edited...

[pagingdrkaraii]

I like your blog a lot! Forgive me if you've gotten this question before, but I wanted to know if you were out as gender neutral at school, and if so, if anyone gives you grief about it? I'm a nonbinary bio student and only out in some of my classes, bc I've heard some terrible treatment of trans friends and nb is even harder for some people to grasp.

Heya friend! This answer got a bit long and a little personal, so I hope you don’t mind I’ve slipped it under a cut.

As it is, I am not out to folks here. Spanish doesn’t so easily permit gender neutrality, and it’s a concept very difficult to grasp here for the same reason. If someone asks, I respond honestly: I believe gender is a social construct, and if given the option I would answer I don’t ascribe to it. Even a scale of feminine to masculine doesn’t quite encompass my gut reluctance to identify as either extreme, since some days I wake up more one than the other.

The nonbinary/genderfluid label is what best suits me as a whole but over the years I’ve grown fine with that being a reality for me only online and only to a few of my close friends. It’s not ideal, but it’s enough for me.

(In a way, I express this multiplicity of self through my OCs. They are, in a very honest way, an extension of many ‘what-if’ version of myself, and I can safely express identifying as one or the other or neither through them in art and kind of, calm the storm that is my gender dysphoria, and no one has to really find out if they don’t want to.)

I’ve dated men and women (no one nonbinary yet :V) during my life and despite it, precious few people have realized I’m bi. I’m very candid about it if asked -- and a couple of people have asked, at this point, so I’m sure the information is floating out there -- but I’ve never made it a habit to be vocally open about it. Why would I? I’m not aching for a life partner, and I’m not aching to join a movement or any branch of politics. My life has many facets, among them my lgbtqa+ status, but if I made a huge fuss about it offline, it would be the only thing people irl think about when they see me, as opposed to simply seeing a person that could help them.

Perhaps this reflects badly on me? Not shouting it from the rooftops, as it were. Its very entrenched that for you to be a good queer person, you have to be loud. Out and proud, etc. But I was taught to be quiet, and I’ve grown comfortable with the quiet. Life online is very different from life offline, and that’s all right. Not everything has to overlap. As much as I wish it were so, I don’t live in an ideal world -- I actually very much live in a third world country -- and I very candidly place success and financial and social security as well as humanitarian acts ahead of my personal drama.

I tell myself doctors don’t really have a gender in an emergency, or even during the day to day life. I will exist, hopefully, as a person who can offer professional medical help, and that is the kind of quietlypresenting nonbinary life that I can live with in tranquillity. Gender, after all, is something I strive not to care for. Even if it sometimes hurts that I have to ascribe to certain gender rituals to survive a successful professional life (because boy o boy, do Mexicans love segregating boys and girls into neat boxes), I know I don’t have to give it the mental importance if I don’t want to.

I can run myself ragged hating the body I was born in, and I can tear myself to pieces trying to force it to be something else, but the reality of the fact is I won’t ever be happy if I set my focus on it. So I’ve decided to change the focus.

Online I don’t have a body, I simply have a presence and I can communicate via words or art or a summarized history of what cool things I’m up to, and that’s beautiful. I love that inherent gender neutrality of the internet, and I will fight to keep it because it’s my little gateway to venting a lot of the stuff I’ve got in me, and meeting people that have similar issues and bonding with folks from all over the spectrum.

Maybe someday I’ll be out in my professional life. But for now, I’m happy enough to be out in my online life :V One step at a time!

[neuroglitch]

what's the difference between ASPD and some type of adult attachment issues? i lack empathy, i can't feel love, i don't feel comfort, and it's impossible to feel respect for anyone. i've tried to make myself feel love and it's never worked, not ever. not to mention antisocial behaviour my entire life with real consequences. i also had a shit childhood. two psychologists told me i had attachment issues, so i looked it up and found RAD, but i've never been diagnosed with attachment disorder? in fact, is there even a difference, aren't all personality disorders attachment issues? i'm so tired of not knowing what's wrong with me! and this stuff is so complicated... (sorry if this is incomprehensible it's late at night)

I’ve been sitting on this ask forever, bc I feel like it’s a really complex line of questioning, and I’m not sure how best to reply. I kept wanting to do research, but after two weeks I think it’s time I admit to myself (and you!) that I just don’t have the spoons for that currently. 

So this is my answer off the top of my head.

I think an important place to start is to state that all these terms - aspd, other personality disorders, attachment issues etc are just words that we try to apply to real-life phenomena with more or less success. As such there’s likely to be a good deal of overlap between terms.

When a psychologist says that you have “attachment issues” they aren’t necessarily referring to RAD, but may mean it more generally. Basically, you had a shit childhood, and now you have a problematic attachment style. A lot of psychologists don’t necessarily want to diagnose you with anything specific, bc they don’t think it would be beneficial for you or your therapy.

As for whether all personality disorders are disorders of attachment.. hoo boy, there’s a debate there that I don’t feel qualified to get into, but it is true for a fact that trauma histories are abundant among those with personality disorders, and many of the personality disorders explicitly impair relations to other people. In the case of ASPD, for sure, you could argue that it’s a type of attachment issue (among other things).

ASPD is a pretty stigmatized disorder, which would likely play into a psych not necessarily wanting to give you that diagnosis, too. 

I get being tired of not knowing “what’s wrong with you”, but at the end of the day I would always remind you that all these things are just words, and you seem to already have a good idea what’s going on.

Shit childhood - acting out - don’t feel many things that are considered “normal” to feel.

With regards to ASPD vs another PD vs unspecified attachment issues.. I obviously don’t know enough of your history and mental health to say for sure. But not feeling much isn’t necessarily connected with ASPD, the idea that people with aspd can’t feel love or comfort isn’t necessarily correct (there are probably people who experience it that way, but it’s not a hallmark of the disorder). The first thing that pops into my mind is actually schizoid pd, depression or a form of dissociation. All of which can occur as a result of childhood trauma, too. (It could even be an autistic trait!)

I would suggest letting go of the idea that you have to make yourself “love people” or “respect people” or any other such nebulous concept. Hell... I can’t describe what those emotions look like if my life depended on it.

The most important thing is to recognize that your emotions or lack of emotions does not exempt you from treating others with respect or with love. 

I don’t believe that it really matters what people think and feel in their heart of hearts, as long as they try their best to treat others with basic kindness. 

You said you’ve struggled with antisocial behavior in the past, and I know it’s not easy to change your habits, but I strongly urge you to take a step back, look at the bigger picture, and make an executive decision on what kind of person you want to be.

I feel you on wanting a diagnosis, honestly, but I also want to remind you that a diagnosis is just a word, and it doesn’t actually explain much. 

I’m sorry I couldn’t be of more help, I hope my ramblings gave at least a bit of perspective.

Cat