#bc like sure billing reminders but the other stuff...ugh

[autumnrory]

ugh i know it's important but i feel like i get sooo many emails re: doctor's stuff and maybe it'll be better if ya know things aren't horrible and i don't have to go to 800 more appointments but it's just like. please leave me alone

[sweatytyrantwhispers]

Part 4 of things my friends do that make me love them even more:

- both rachel and cristine are artistically talented and i cant fucking wait to see them become famous doing the things they love (i know theyll becoem famous i believe in them tht much) (rachel has a great singing voice; cristine has a great singing voice, knows how to play various intstruments, loves acting, and can paint/draw amazingly)

-seth tells me some catchphraes his fav youtubers say whenever we talk

-none of my friends (nor I) knows how to react or what to say most of the time, especially when it comes to gift giving and compliments; we’re all oblivious and awkward people that don’t understand society

-andy messes up on what to say to customer service people when its evening/night time cus we usually go out around tht time but he’s used to sauing have a good day

-andy also hates intersections so he’ll pretend hes walking in the other direction (away frm the intersection), stand on the sidewalk and pretend hes doing something, or take a whole other route if theres a car nearing the intersection bc he says it feels awkward

-rachel’s favorite animals are dogs and raccoons so when i send her a post abt raccoons she gets rly excited and says she wants to hv a raccoon as a pet when she grows up. She also gets excited when i point out a dog to her in public (she cant see it cus no glasses but still excited by its genert presence)

-dina is scared of lightning so I always try to ask her if shes alright when theres a thunderstorm

-when we go to the park, rachel almost always tries to make tiktoks. We always end up interrupting and annoying her while she makes them though, sorta like our little routine.

-last time we went to the park, rachel ended up accidentally hitting meng and I directly on the face with the volleyball (its ok though cause im pretty sure we’ve ended up accidentally hitting each other with the ball at least once)

-when i got hit with the ball dina asked me if i was ok but as she moved towards me she went for the ball (we were playing monkey in the middle and she was one of the monkeys); its just funny and i love that our friendship is at a point where we could laugh about it and everything is fine

-i told my friends that i was depressed before going to the park to hang out w them. when i got there i kinda just sat on the ground looking through reddit with music on high. they all tried their best to talk to me and tell me funny stories (they said they overheard a group of kids talking about how they pantsed another dude) to cheer me up. Dina and Rachel both decided to give me a hug at the same time and i toppled over. Dina gave me a hug again. I love them so much

- Andy called me while i was in class to tel me to look at the sunset. Its something that both of us have done a few times because we both love sunsets and usually see them when we’re out. Its a small thing but it makes me love my friends even more.

-I was on voice call with Rachel on discord and she laughed then sent the group chat a link to a tiktok

-(not my friend but my mom) She knows that i hate it when things are thrown out when they’re still good or can still be repurposed. Someone brought flowers home for some reason (i forgot why) but she was putting the flowers in a vase one day. Some of the flowers broke off the bigger portion of the stem and couldn’t be put into the big vase but she put a bunch of them into a small container for me and gave it to me. I loved it even though we did hv to throw it out like a few weeks later.

-My friends and I were at Central Park and we were waiting for my two friends to finish up taking pictures. Meng and I were taking a short nap (him sitting down w his elbows on his legs and me w my head on his shoulder) while we waited. We also shared my earbuds to listen to my music. I was p sleepy so I was on the verge of sleeping my also sorta aware of what was going on (mainly cus we were guarding our stuff while everyone else was taking pictures elsewhere). I was doing that thing you do when you’re nodding your head while trying to stay awake/go to sleep. I kept on doing that until he eventually sat up a bit more and pushed my head onto his shoulder better

-Samir looked at a shirt with george washington on it and confidently said that was benjamin franklin

-Dina was talking about how she kept on eating shrimo and peanuts even though she has a mild allergy to it. Rachel and I were telling her to stop and tht we’re not bringing it to the picnic on sunday cus we dont want her dying. She responded, very confidently, tht she “hasnt died before”

-Samir calls dina “d-money”

-Rachel gave me a hug as an im sorry for taking so long. (I genuinely didnt care cus even tho they do take a long time i still v much love them)

-Rachel takes tiktoks and videos of us while we’re out

-Rachel and Dina both got v the excited when i wore a skirt out today because I usually dress more masculine

-A few weeks ago (i think) my friends and I were at the park. I was trying to do something to meng and tripped and fell on the park ground (the part where there’s basically a bunch of tiny rocks on/in the floor). Meng was also trying to do that thing where two people hold a person’s arms and legs and swing them back and forth with me but forgot that if you take someones legs off the floor with no one else holding my arms, i would fall head first onto the park ground, which i did. Both times I laughed at myself but everyone rushed to me while laughing. Idk why but it made me feel like I was ok and safe, even if i was in so much pain, srsly i couldve had a concussion.

- Rachel and I both got excited bc we both wanted to got to the same college

-I call andy when im walking home by myself at night (or when the route im taking doesn’t necessarily hv a lot of people of lights) and he just vibes with me (sometimes talks to me abt how i should b home) until i get home safely

-idk if i already put this but Andy and I have a safe word when we think there might be someone behind us following us at night bc one time when walking home we thought tht and used our now safe word to see if there was someone

-Rachel and Dina do this thing where they take their hand and go from the side of someone else’s body (where the arms are) to the bottom of their legs rly fast while theyre walking. They call it “full body stroke”. They shared it w me and now we do it to meng almost every time we go out. Sometimes we do it together (one person per side).

-While at Central Park there was a dude that was singing (he was rly good). He started singing “Lean on me” by Bill Withers and my friends started singing along with him.

-Rachel sent me a tiktok knowing full well that itd make me gay panic bc yk ✨w o m e n✨

-Dina, Alan, and I stayed out after everyone else went home cus yk they were tired. Dina and I decided to talk like white girls/pick me girls the rest of the night with their stereotypical voices. We laughed the entire time and created weird storylines including: Jessica (Dina), Olivia (me), Jayden (Jessica’s boyfriend and brother that created on Jessica with me and Nicole), Nicole (Jessica’s friend), Olivia’s dad (a convicted felon in all 50 states and is dead), Jessica’s dad (a lawyer that’s also running for president, and Alan (he was just roped into our bs and was there to act like the dude that we both wanted to have as our bf).

- When we were in the bathroom and washing our hands, Dina waited until after the other woman in the bathroom to leave before coming up to me and, in a discreet whisper, told me that the soap was what “good pussy sounds like”

- Rachel, Dina, and I saw a few cats on our way to meet up with Alan and we played w the cats for a bit before one of them said “pspspspsp come here alan” to one of the cats. We now do this frequently to each other even though we hate it.

- We have corrupted each other to the point where we cannot hang out without someone saying “that’s what she said”, something about Dina being white, “just like this dick”, and “deez nuts”. We laugh about it a lot

- Rachel and I are both reasonably out of energy both mentally and physically after our jobs so when I walked w her to a mall w the rest of her friends, we both walked silently with a bit of catching up cause we both understood how the other felt

-We had a water balloon fight today at work (Alan, Rachel, and I work together). Obviously, I took the chance to pop as many balloons over rachel’s head and dump water on her. She tried to spray me w water using a water gun though. Afterwards gave the towel i brought to rachel cause she needed it to change. It’s important to note that rachel has purple hair right now and that the towel was white. key word: was. The towel was now stained a light purple (I dont mind but damn)

- i made rachel a purple raccoon by crocheting it (purple and pink actually). I finished it yesterday (sunday) and gave it today to her at work (monday). I opened the door a bit and peeked my head in with the raccoon just below me in my hands. She was confused at first but then saw the raccoon and her eyes lit up. It was rly cute🥰🥺 to see her get excited. We both nicknamed the raccoon “pimp jr.” and i made a lil name tag/from to tag that said it.

- rachel likes to lip-sync to music shes either listening to or hears in store and sometimes does a little dance with it. Its so cute and I love looking at her do it because it reminds me of why I adore her. She also goes hard when it comes to singing at karaoke. Like damn her vocal range is astounding

- dina got so excited when i asked her if she wanted to binge watch all the twilight movies with me. She looked so cute cus its one of her favorite movies. ugh i love my friends.

-a lot of dudes have crushes on rachel and dina and the both of them usually just try their best to avoid the person or avoid confronting them. Idk why but it kinda makes me feel grateful that I’m close friends with them because I used to have a crush on both of them before when we first met. When I told them i used to have crushes on them they didn’t act weird about it or anything and we continued to be friends. I’m so fucking grateful I’m their friend despite my initial crush on them cause they’re two of them most amazing people I’ve met my entire life.

-rachel, meng, alan, and I went to go watch Shang Chi in movies. In the last few scenes (which were v tense btw) rachel nd I both got rly anxious and squeezed each others hands bc we were scared out favorite characters were gonna get hurt. She squeezed the fuck out of my hand to the point where I couldn’t feel it anymore and neither could she. I’m ok with that though cus I’m glad she finds comfort in squeezing the living fuck out of my hands.

-dina, rachel, and I have matching bracelets from hot topic and i see them wear it almost every time we hang out. Alan and I have a matching pair too but I dont think he’s going to wear it very much (issok tho).

-We went to karaoke yesterday and I dont know how I just realized this but while she’s singing, dina likes to move around a lot. It’s not exactly dancing but not particularly just moving around. Its kinda like that tiny thing ppl do when they’re alone and playing their favorite songs on blast. She’s so cute when she does it, esp because she seems so happy when she does it. Even though I absolutely despise Justin Bieber, I would play his songs over and over again on blast if it made her as happy as she has made me.

-dina and I like to go to the swings and blast “Happier Than Ever��� with earbuds in (we share a pair for this) and she screams along to it for the second half

-it’s become a “tradition” for us to go to the swings (most of time) after we’ve done the initial things we already planned out because dina and I love the swings.

[sumergosuigeneris]

May 6, 2019

I took a mental health day today. It took me a while to realize I need it, but I got there.

Wednesday, as I mentioned previously, was bullshit and I was upset and stressed out. The highlight of that day is that somehow I was able to keep track of how many times I went to the bathroom. 8 times in 8 hours. Is that normal for peeing? I don’t know. Anyway, I think I went to bed early, and thought I’d be good for Thursday.

Thursday was marginally better for a while, but still not feeling great. It’s weird being at location2 permanently. I didn’t think it would be. Work friend, who I guess isn’t exactly a work friend anymore, since we’re technically different departments and different locations now, came to say hi. I didn’t think I needed it, but I appreciated it. I do remember texting her that she’d better be on time b/c the only reason I wasn’t leaving early was b/c she was coming. We went to barlouis. I got a martini, which was actually good, but basically I think it’s because it was watered down. We stayed for a while. Talked about my situation, and all sorts of stuff. Got home, went to bed.

Felt like shit on Friday. Needed to redo my self-eval but didn’t. I was too low. Headache, etc...And I was still waiting for one package for Civil War Bob. I went home early. Package never came. I napped but not too well, bc I was anxious about the package. I did watch some discovery. Ugh. I thought the show was uneven but I think this season kind of sucks.

Saturday morning I checked am a zohn. No info, so I put in a call to customer service. I was amazed I could even do that. They didn’t used to have any way to talk to a real person. But I don’t shop there much, so I didn’t have much need.

They took instructions and said they would pass them to the delivery guy - after 3pm and call me b/c there was no safe space to drop it. I went off to my first swim lesson. I was worried I’d be late, but I ended up 5min early. And my instructor was 15 minutes late. I couldn’t stay longer b/c of the delivery, but I was pleased with it. Although, my adult-size goggles are not. And my new bathing suit has to be returned (the shoulders don’t stay up).

Got home, napped fitfully b/c of the anxiety re: the package. At around 6:30pm I decided to check the website to see if it had left the distribution center. It said it had been delivered. I ran downstairs praying it hadn’t been stolen. Luckily it hadn’t, but I was super upset. So I called again and complained. But the person this second time did not really seem to understand what I was complaining about. I left to go pick up my rental car. The directions took me to the airport. I thought it was weird, but okay. I found a paid lot to park in. Took a shuttle to the location - over 30 minutes - I should have walked. Get inside, and they tell me I have to have a departing ticket or a major credit card for a big deposit. I was ticked, and they were not helpful at all. My cc got declined, as I expected. They were all too bad, so sad. I had thought they were just doing a company policy but eventually got past my attitude and theirs to learn that at the airport that’s the policy, but outside of the airport that’s not the policy. Fuck orbits. I’ve definitely lost money on this. Although I need to ask for a refund before I write them off. It was so late, and I was so tired and upset, I gave up on going to go shooting. So I walked back to my car. Much shorter. I go to pay and leave and the machine won’t take my ticket. I go into the next line, with the person, and she charges me double what I was expecting. I asked why. She said I was there 61 minutes. I said the extra minute was because I was in the other line. She said too bad, so sad.

I was done. So pissed. Had to make sure to remind myself not to let myself be upset while driving. Tried to find something open late so I could get a burger and beer. Went to one place. It was pretty rowdy. I’d have stayed anyway, but wait staff kept looking at me and ignoring me. Granted it was only like 2-3 minutes, but I couldn’t deal. So...I went back to barre louis. A customer asked me to move down so she could have an extra seat. They were out of the beer I wanted. The beer I got sucked. The burger sucked. But more importantly - the menu says it comes with cheddar. I asked the waitress to make sure it comes with cheddar. I go to pay my bill - they charged me extra. Fuck that day. The positive thing was I chatted with two girls next to me for a while. But one of the girls thought I was 35?!?!?! So that was hurtful too.

Sunday, I slept a lot. I did decide I haven’t had enough veggies lately, so I drove to a new grocery store for their salad bar. The bar wasn’t as good as hyped, though it was still good. But the store was delightful. I kept seeing people running into people they knew; like a small town. It was nice. And the store had pretty decent food and prices, and was independent. It was worth the trip. I was too bummed to go play racquetball, so I napped again. Fitfully. I was thinking about skipping got too. But I stayed up and watched. It was a weird episode. Couple devastating deaths. Unnecessary. The ending episodes are kind of sucking. But I’m still hooked. Also, I somehow gave myself a nose bleed, which I think I was choking on.

At some point, it occurred to me, based on something I read online about companies doing 4 day work weeks, that I needed a break from work. That it’s been super stressful and I hadn’t taken any time to decompress (2 days hasn’t been enough for over a month now). So I decided to take today. Hopefully, it’ll help me feel good for the rest of the week. Or at least better. I’ll get some errands done, nap, who knows what else, if anything. No expectations, I hope.

I probably really do need to find a new therapist though. But I just don’t know if I can right now. And not paying copays every week has been really nice too.