#bc it triggered fucking anaphylaxis

[fxaa]

Guess who might have covid again :)

[myriad--starlings]

sitting in my bathroom bc my mother turned the evil tap on and then cleaned the counter when she absolutely should know better and like yes I make mistakes I accidentally turn my tap on sometimes but I don't then WET A RAG and CLEAN THE COUNTER with it. I'm also certainly going to have anaphylaxis later today, now. I woke up with a swollen throat already from an uncertain trigger, this is literally all I needed to put my body over the edge and there's no a lot I can do to mitigate it bc I'm simply not taking rescue meds and sleeping MORE after being asleep for 16 hours already today!!

I just. it's so endlessly fucking stressful to have people in my space because they do shit like this bc they're imperfect and forgetful but it's for real actually life or death for me? when people make mistakes like this????

[catastrothy]

man FUCK prednisone. terrible awful nightmare medication, most bitter and vile tasting concoction on this earth and capable of side effects from hell

i was taking it bc the virus i had made my immune system freak the fuck out and start attacking me instead of the virus

normally in the past whenever i took prednisone i would experience very little in the ways of side effects, usually just some moodiness and extra hunger. but ive had to take two courses within two months because my immune system would Not chill out and kept giving me hives all over my body even when i took allegra & pepcid twice a day+ benedryl every 4 hours or so. this second course was going fine at first but then yesterday ….. the side effects began to hit.

i felt a little woozy throughout the day and also i was VERY sleep deprived, and even taking my normal dosage of seroquel (which usually knocks me out on its own) did barely anything to let me sleep. i also had a little mental breakdown because it turns out!!! when you have bipolar !!!!! steroids can trigger mania!!!!!!!!! so on top of being sick physically i was (and am, present tense, though my meds are helping) sick MENTALLY now as well!!! for what it’s worth i do not fault the doctor who prescribed it bc we both knew the risks and decided the prednisone was worth it but damn. shit sucks

anyways today i woke up with a low body temp (96.7, lowest ive ever recorded) and had a panic attack about that because when im manic my delusions tend to center around getting sepsis or anaphylaxis so i had to call the urgent care to double check i was fine and why the hell i felt like poo poo caca and they were like “oh yeah that sounds prednisone side effects :( at least it sounds like you’re over your other infections so you can stop taking it probably!” so like. fuck prednisone i hate it it’s the worst.

also fuck you prednisone for making me think my mood stabilizers weren’t working bc i forgot prednisone triggers mania

[systems-overloaded]

had to use an epipen... but have traumas around needles that i am not controlling. (an auto-injector, is technically not a needle i am in control of.)

i couldnt tell if anaphylaxis was switching from slow-onset/progession to rapid (or if bc i was trying to psych myself up for so long it just progressed to more life threatening stage) or if it was just a panic attack causing symptoms while trying to psych myself up to inject myself (ontop of initial anaphylaxis symptoms, i got severe chest pain, heart palpitations, severe nausea, face and mouth numb and tingly, severe difficulty breathing, feeling like i went underwater and about to pass out...)

its so hard, bc i try to. i try, but the arms fucking stop before i can stab my fricking leg. like, ummm I WANT TO LIVE??? let me administer my own fucking epipen??? but my body just... wont. someone within or maybe just fear stops me from doing it. so i try to psych myself up, try to see if i could maybe just put it against my leg and then push down with my body weight, while imaging that i am the one controlling the needle. it doesnt work. tried this and various other methods.

eventually i ended up accidentally triggering the epipen... but it was inside my skin for less than one second bc it like "kicks back". ugh ughhhhhhh.

im going to try and meditate and reiki myself, and take more bendryl too. hope i wont need another epi... honestly idk if ill be able to do it again. the needle wasnt even bad, it didnt even hurt. but idk if ill get worked up again abt it.

id been telling myself, "the fear wont get in the way if i had rapid-onset anaphylaxis, so ik in the future id be fine to just stab myself. im only hesitating and having this issue because this exact moment is not life threatening (even though it will progress to that??)" but after that, when i legit think it couldve been mostly actual anaphylaxis issues, rather than just a panic attack... and i still wasnt able to as i was legit abt to pass out?? fuck fuckkkk. im concerned. how do i get over this? how do i help myself in emergencies?

ik ive had to have someone else administer epipens in the past when anaphylaxis has presented with increased weakness or confusion and i wasnt able to do it myself.

but idk if i could allow myself to let someone else do it... that makes it a needle im in even less control of. fuck.

[aahsokaatano]

The biggest fucking problem with having a condition where it feels like I'm going into anaphylaxis when overly stressed/presented with certain enviromental triggers is that having a sore throat and cough during this time of plague is REALLY FUCKING STRESSFUL and I can't tell if I'm short of breath bc I'm sick or because my body is freaking tf out and trying to kill me for the 10th time this year

[queen-mabs-revenge]

Ok ASM 228 is so fucking weird and I love it so much. Like to the point where it's immediately going on the fav issue list. It's so creepy and odd and I went to look up the team to see that it was written by Jan Strnad and just looking at his bibliography and I'm like. Yes. Yes, I get it now. Full of horror/sci fi goodness, and I both wonder what lead to him writing this issue and why it was only the one for Spider-Man bc I love the spooky sci-fi feel and would def read more issues like this.

Just omfg the mechanism. Spiders being compulsively attracted to a victim by some unknown force, and then when they close in, they're triggered to act with deadly aggression so that they all bite the victim into anaphylaxis. And of course Peter is just spidery enough to be affected by the compulsion, too. UGH IT'S WEIRD I LOVE IT.

Him going into beast mode during a routine mugging stop bc the signal catches him unaware the first time, and then him having to fight that impulse, while fighting to figure out what's happening, save the next victim, and clear his own name (bc of course spiders = Spidey to JJJ). LOVE.

The unfolding mystery is weird, the art is a+, the spiders are appropriately creepy and 👍👍👍 GOOD. RECOMMEND.

[theepicnarcoleptic]

I couldn’t breathe. My nose congests. I get lightheaded. 

My throat closes and my tongue becomes too big for my mouth. My saliva is like gravel.

I start dry heaving, choking, and I can’t stop. 

Parts of my body feel like they’re flailing even though they’re not.

Everything above my belly button hurts, like I’m using muscles I’ve never used before.

My neck and throat, the base of my skull, and even my brain. 

I end up on the floor. 

I can’t move or breathe normally. 

My scalp is tight,

I feel it stretching over my skull, I can feel my blood, and I want to rip out my hair. 

My muscles tense up, they hunch. And I am stuck. Half instinctual, trying to relax my lungs so they can take in more air, or maybe I’m trying to make them smaller, as if I didn’t need any.

My chest is tight, and I keep holding my breathe. Unconsciously//unintentionally.

I can’t close my mouth. I become slack jawed. I drool. But very little comes out. there’s not much saliva left. 

My eyelids get too big to see out of. I’m on the floor.

I want to reach out to somebody, but I still can’t breathe. 

I consider going to the hospital. but I still can’t move, 

I’m stuck and it’s their fault in the first place. 

I wonder if I bang on the floor, if my neighbor will hear me... 

I think about what a dick he can be. And how the last time that I had anaphylaxis, and relied the kindness of a neighbor, the veins in my eyes burst, because he was too busy smoking crack to get me my meds in time. I remember crawling up the stairs to a haze... The smell of burning plastic.

:/

--I manage to fb msg call Bolder, but I can’t breathe. It’s too hard to tap buttons. And it’s starts recording. 

I leave a message. A sound I haven’t heard in a while.

It’s been 4 yrs? Maybe 10?

I hit send. I know that he’ll know. and that he cares. He’s the only person left in my life who’s ever seen me like this.

But I still hurt

and I can’t breathe. I can’t think. 

Desperate, I try to record my ‘condition’ on instagram. I think about how people would respond:

 “she’s doing it for attention. She’s so desperate, so weak...she should be ashamed. She’s probably faking it.”

The sound of my struggling to breath, plays back to myself. And I start to breath a little normal. My seeing and being with another me. A parasympathetic response occurs in every sense of the word, triggered by the me from a few seconds ago. It calms me down as it loops into a lullaby.

But everything is weak.

Everything hurts.

Parts of me are still paralyzed.

Afterwards, I have a headache and I feel hot.

I take a Xanax bc I don’t want it to happen again. 

I wonder if this had happened before, when I was living with my mom a couple of years ago. I don’t think it did, but I don’t trust my own memories, I may have blocked it out. 

I shut down.

I wonder how bad it was, how bad this is.

I don’t want to die, but even living feels like dying sometimes.

Later, I ask myself if there were any signs.

The 2 day burping? Acid reflux? 3 days of palpitations? These symptoms occurred over the course of a week. Never on the same day. And always at random. I need to get better at seeing the signs.

In the thralls of it, this... attack? I was never really scared. I didn’t feel scared. or ‘panicked’.

or maybe I just can’t recognize when somethings scary. I guess I just felt a lot, or nothing at all, other than what was happening to my body. I didn’t really think much. I couldn’t really think much. The ‘attack’ lasted 45 minutes...? but in that time, despite everything I thought and have wrote, my head felt empty. 

Thinking, feels like it correlates with breathing. 

And I know I wasn’t breathing, because all the blood vessels in my face popped and I now look like a grape. 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I’ve never thought that I wouldn’t want to be your friend anymore. But I don’t know if I can, I want to, but I think it might be really bad for me. 

You told me that I was deflecting and that ‘no one was trying to insult’ me.

As if I was imagining it, or accusing a ghost.

As if it wasn’t you, who I was just talking to, and you didn’t hurt my feelings.

You told me “well that’s your own feelings.” 

And it’s just reinforcing that I just shouldn’t talk to (some) people.-- bc they don’t care, or wanna take responsibility for their thoughts, behaviors, or actions, regardless of whether, or not hurting someone was their intention. (which btw, has nothing to do with what to do when you hurt someone.) 

You made it clear that when I’m upset, you’re not the person I should look to talk to. Verbatim.

“I’m not soft person and I’m not gonna baby you I don’t ever hold Back my thoughts or feelings and I’m not gonna apologize for trying to make you stronger.”

But I don’t need you to try to make me stronger in this way. And It’s not your place. I’m strong and callus enough. And I don’t want to be. 

The illusion of power can breed ignorance, recklessness and violence.

“No Jordana I don’t have a lot of compassion left

Im a lonely ass person

And angry like every day. 

. . .

And I have low tolerance for anything that isn’t about building my self or making money I have my own problems

I’m stressed out every day of my life

The man I’m in love with isn’t talking to me

And I hate my self for even still being involved

But I’m just ignoring that relationship situation because I’m focusing more on my life and the shit I have to do”

 And then when I tell you that I need space and time to get healthy. 

You tell me:

“What ever Jordana I’m used to being let down and alone so there”

You just told me that I was ‘wining over nothing.’ What would make you think that I would want to talk to you anytime soon...?

You told me that I can’t form relationships because I just push everyone away. I’m well aware of that. but I when i try to open up to you about trying to open up to someone else, and you just tell me that it’s my own fault, all it does is push me away.

Barely, have I ever come to you, with something of this calibre. And I don’t think I ever will. Or at least, I’m not gonna try again anytime soon. I can’t be your ‘pensieve’, but not have it be a two way street., 

Everyones so fucking oppressed with their emotions, that no one knows how the fuck to ‘be’.

Seriously, fuck everyone. 

y’all make me so mad.

A goddamn bunch of fucking cowards. Go read some fucking Sartre. 

Hell is other people bro. 

But consider this... 

(source-some chick on Quora)

“Imagine a beautiful building. As you walk through its doors you see a reception desk. The receptionist is not there, but by the desk is a box of chocolate. You look around, reach out and take one. A person you hadn’t noticed right behind you says “Wow! I’ve always wanted to try that chocolate! How is it?” and grabs one too. Now you have an accomplice. You chat about how good the chocolate is. Mmmm. What a good day this is turning out to be. But, wait. What if the person you hadn’t noticed behind you instead says “How could you? How could you take something that doesn’t belong to you? I can’t believe you just grabbed that!” Now you feel uncomfortable. The receptionist returns to the desk. She glares at you.“That was not yours.” You stand there feeling awful. When Sartre said “hell is other people” he noted that we cannot really know ourselves without taking into consideration how we are regarded by others. If we are judged by another, it becomes a part of our own opinion of ourselves. Others are so important to us, we cannot complete the puzzle of who we are without them. This is why he concludes "hell is other people".”