#bc i wanna feel comfy using that label for once

[struck-by-the-rain]

i wonder if anyone who randomly comes across my acc thinks I hc karate joe to be a lesbian or smth. bc of my pfp

[kae-karo]

Katie I’m about to fly completely on my own for the first time this Friday and I’m pretty anxious about it. Do you have any advise you could give me about flying/the airport/packing/anything really? Thank you in advance :S x

hi b! ooooookay wow finally the 38 flights i went on last year will come in handy!

packing:

okay traveling by yourself if you’ve never done it before won’t necessarily impact your packing - just be sure that if you have a small carry-on bag that you don’t have any liquids over 2.5oz and remember that like. if you forget something, a lot of hotels (if that’s where you’re staying) will have stuff you can use for free, just ask them. worst case they usually have some stuff you can buy but most places are like really nice. if you’re staying with friends/family, just ask if you forgot something!

most people usually do like a carry-on bag and a checked bag, but just do whatever you normally do, and then make sure your carry-on has your id/passport, your phone, a charger for said phone, your wallet, any meds you have or anything you can’t go for the entire flight without, and then something to do on the plane (book, game, laptop, tablet, etc)

my necessities: phone, wallet, passport if i’m going international, keys cause i usually have to get back in my house after lmao, laptop, chargers for laptop and phone, a portable charger, headphones

here’s the hard tip: acknowledge that you probably will forget something. i literally travel almost every month of the year and i forget one thing every time. but it’s gonna be okay. as long as you have your id/passport/wallet and phone, things will be okay

before you travel:

okay so i have the apps for like all the major airlines and i usually try to check myself in right when i’m allowed to (24hr before). if you’re on southwest, set yourself a reminder so you can check in exactly 24hr before the flight and make sure you get a decent boarding number cause they do it on first come first serve

otherwise, just check in and save a screenshot of your boarding pass to your phone. i usually just do everything with the boarding pass in the app or saved to my photos but you can get a paper copy at the airport as well, and don’t stress if you lose it or w.e once you’re past security cause the gate attendants can print a new one (or you can just use the mobile)

oh the other thing here is you can sometimes choose a different seat whilst checking in? so if you see the one that’s assigned to you and you Don’t Like It, see if any others are available that you might prefer. i always go for the closest aisle seat to the front when traveling alone

and ofc you’ll want to make sure you have some kind of plan for once you arrive at your destination for how you’ll be getting wherever you’re going - taxi, uber, ride from friend/fam, public transport, whatever, just kind of have an idea what you need to do so you’re not stressing once you land

this one is one that doesn’t apply to me, but definitely something to check and look into if needed: if you have any special requirements or needs whilst in the airport or flying, ie wheelchairs or special accommodations or w.e, make sure you know what you have to do when you arrive

leaving for the airport:

okay first and foremost, depending on your airport, you’ll want to be sure you arrive at least 1.5hr early (this is like my personal rule of thumb bc i usually fly in and out of moderately large airports and i have Massive Paranoia about traveling for some reason?? even though i take like 12+ trips a year? but most places require no less than 40ish minutes ahead of time, that’s like super tight though i do Not recommend) - keep in mind like. traffic and stuff, if you’re going to the airport during rush hour or w.e make time for that

if you’re not familiar with your airport and like getting in (bc there’s usually a massive amount of like exits and ‘turn here for this’ sort of things) talk to someone who is familiar with it or like. google maps it ahead of time and street view walk yourself through it, whatever you need to do to feel comfy so if you’re the one driving, you know where to go to park/etc. if you’re ubering or having someone drop you off, just be sure you know which airline you’re on as they’ll drop you off in the right place

checking in:

okay if you’re already checked in and you don’t have a checked bag, you can head straight to security, but if you do need to check your bag, use the kiosks they’re always faster and you don’t have to wait in line. it’s pretty self-explanatory, usually, just enter the identifying info and it’ll probably note that you’re already checked in and just say you have a bag to check. you can also print a physical boarding pass here if you want. the kiosk will print out your luggage tag and just follow the instructions to attach it to the bag. there’ll be like a drop off point (they’re usually p well-labeled) up by the actual people at desks so just head up there and have your id/passport and boarding pass ready cause they’ll want to check them

security:

okay 9 times out of 10 you probably will Not have tsa precheck but if you do, it’ll be somewhere on your boarding pass and you should look for/ask someone about the nearest tsa precheck line. it’s just convenient, cause you don’t have to remove laptops or take your shoes off and it’s usually the shortest line

if you don’t have tsa precheck, just find the nearest (and shortest) security line and have your id and boarding pass ready. if you’re using a mobile boarding pass, lock your screen rotation if you’ll be using the picture you took instead of the app (this is the most annoying thing lmao i’ve done it too many times and usually just try to use the app when i can cause it’ll lock the rotation and go full brightness automatically). then you’ll have to put the phone on the lil scanner and it’ll beep when it’s scanned and done

now, again, if you have any special needs whilst going through security, you’re probably familiar with what you’d have to do if it differs from the standard procedure, but otherwise just go through as you normally would

between security and boarding:

do whatever u want basically. get food, if you need it or if you think you’ll need it whilst on the flight. drinks are usually hella expensive so i try to bring my refillable water bottle (empty!) and then refill once i’m past security

basically how you spend this time is totally up to you. i usually grab food as needed then go chill by my gate, if it’s an airport i’m familiar with and i know how long it’ll take to get wherever i need to go, but you may be more comfy just finding your gate first and then sticking nearby to get anything you need. also i’m a big fan of the charging areas which a lot of airports have now, so if u wanna charge up i recommend

boarding:

every airline is different but there’ll usually be some kind of boarding group or order listed on your boarding pass, so just keep that in mind (ie american has like,,,,6 boarding groups? united has 9, southwest has their whole a/b/c groups, etc etc etc i think one even has like a 2a 2b or something idk that might’ve been in the uk but just look on your boarding pass) if you’re confused or w.e don’t be afraid to ask one of the gate attendants that stand at the front

basically nothing here is all that different if you’re alone, just pay attention when they start boarding and listen for your group, same rule of thumb goes with turning your phone on screen-rotation lock when you go to scan your boarding pass (if it’s the mobile pic you saved)

the goal here with boarding is to go as quickly as you can, but don’t stress if it takes you a second to get in your row! it’s okay, people aren’t as in a rush as they seem. definitely try to fit ur stuff under your seat cause otherwise it’s a pain to get up and get it from the overhead bins

the flight:

honestly just sit back relax and do whatever u normally do! usually there’s no reason this would be any different when traveling alone. aside from sitting near strangers which is annoying sometimes but in my experience if u pop some headphones in everyone leaves u alone

after the flight:

i mean generally just head out into the airport u landed in and look for baggage claim signs - regardless of whether u checked a bag or not, most ground transport out of the airport is near the baggage claim. so just follow signs (and generally the people leaving the plane) and make your way there. if you get lost, again, don’t feel bad abt asking someone to point you in the right direction

if u have a bag, most places have a display board that says which baggage claim you’re at (if they didn’t announce it on the plane when you landed) and you can wait there

once ur done, depending on your mode of transport out, you can follow signs! many of the bigger airports now have designated sections for rideshares like uber and lyft as well 

i hope that helps b! you’ll be fine, don’t stress too much :) i hope you’re traveling for a good/fun reason at least!

[crytill5am-blog]

All That Remains of Lance McClain Part 3

hey all, sorry i wasn’t as active recently, I had to study for an exam that i really really needed to pass! Anyway, here’s part 3 of my what remains of edith finch au 

i had some trouble coming up with a way to connect lance to the game in a way that would make sense, considering how the game actually plays out in the end and i think i’ve come up with a good alternative?? anyway, please enjoy! I did cut it off at a cliff hanger, bc i felt like it was getting a bit too long. I will be continuing it soon, so don’t worry abt that!

Preview:

Keith looked up to see Hunk rooting through several cassettes before pulling one labeled ‘McClain House and family history, by Alexa McClain for Lance McClain.’ Pidge, who’s eye had been caught by an innocuous looking cassette player, grabbed it and handed it to Hunk, who put the cassette into it.

Lance had been in the pod for all of a week, and the tension was mounting within the castle of lions.

Everyone was trying to occupy themselves. Hunk spent a majority of the time working on repairing Blue or cluttering around in the kitchen or just chilling next to Lance’s pod, chattering softly to his comatose best friend. Pidge was hell bent on coding, taking very brief breaks for food and water, eyes red rimmed and dry every time they wandered into the kitchen. Keith isolated himself to the training deck, the bridge, his own room, he just generally avoided the others best he could. 

Shiro and Allura were too busy forming alternate plans for Galra attacks, and Coran spent much time either monitoring Lance’s progress or obsessively cleaning every inch of the castle. He was still cheery, greeting everyone and starting conversations, but everyone could tell his heart wasn’t truly in it. 

Everyone tried to avoid one another in some way. The elephant in the room was too big to truly confront at this moment in time while Lance was still in the pod. They wanted to talk about the vision, the last glimpse they’d gotten into Lance’s head before the electric blast had cut off his connection fully from them. They didn’t know how to approach it, the mystery of Lance’s origins starting to crack, laying waste to the comfortable foundation the blue paladin had laid for the team, helping to bring them together. That familiarity and comfort was gone now, shattered and leaving the paladins floundering for answers to questions they didn’t know who to ask.

So they waited. And as one week passed into two, then three, the team came together in a clash of hurtful accusations and floundering panic. They hadn’t truly realised the extent to which Lance helped to keep them together, the glue that helped the paladins form the bonds of friendship and camaraderie. Keith looked like he was about to throttle Pidge, who stood next to Hunk defensively, Shiro holding Keith back by his right arm. Allura and Coran could only watch helplessly as the paladins crumbled, lack of sleep and the gaping hole of their missing Blue leaving jagged, open and undefended minds and hearts laid bare.

Blue roared in her hangar, and brought the fighting to a stop. Images flashed within the paladins’ minds, their Lions connecting together to help Blue reach the paladins. Images of Lance in the cockpit, taking out and hiding stacks of notebooks, cassettes, letters, reading them, looking at Polaroid photos in the comfort and security of his Lion. 

Blue beckoned them, invited them in, showed them the hidden compartment within her flight deck. She was tired of the tension, the bickering, the uncertainty. She knew her paladin’s team mates needed answers, and she would give them. Perhaps then her cub would heal, the mind wounds festering and growing inside him as the team fell apart. She needed to bring them together, to tether Lance to this plane of existence. She refused to let him slip quietly, without a fight, from this world, into the claws of the darkness that hungered for him.

Hunk was the first to reach the hangars, marching over to Blue and scrambling into her cockpit, immediately reaching for the hidden stash of secrets that Lance had kept from them. He needed to know, felt the itch of unknown knowledge claw at his fingertips as he grabbed everything hidden within. Hearing the others rush into the hangar, Hunk gingerly came back out, holding the stack of ancient looking information gently, carefully, afraid of damaging his friend’s property.

“Hunk, I really think we should wait for Lance to come to us with this! We’re betraying his trust by snooping into his past, I know you’re upset but-”

Hunk glared at Shiro, holding the stack tightly to his chest, away from his leader’s reaching grip, “No. We need to find out what’s happening to Lance. We need to know what’s been bothering him so much that he didn’t feel comfortable with telling us in the first place. We-” Hunk broke off, taking in a sharp breath as he tried to keep himself from crying, “I need to know, Shiro.”

The older paladin faltered, eyes shutting. Shiro just, felt so tired. Lance’s continued stay within the healing pods was taking so much emotional energy from the team. Opening his dark eyes and looking at the anxious group before him, he breathed deeply. His own intrinsic need to know what had been bothering Lance washing over him as he saw the pleading look in Hunk’s and Pidge’s expressions, Keith’s fierce worry, Allura and Coran’s bone deep exhaustion and found himself nodding, “Alright. Let’s go to the living room and... take a look at this.”

The group shuffled out of the hangars, calmly walking into the living area and spreading themselves out over the floor. Pillows were stripped from the couches for comfortable seating as Pidge helped Hunk spread the collection of notebooks, letters, photos, cassettes, cassette player and paintings over the floor between everyone.

The group faltered. There was just... so much here. Where would they start? How would they know what to read to truly understand what and why Lance had hidden this from them. 

As always when it came to impulsive decisions, Keith snatched up the newest looking notebook. “’Property of Alexa McClain, for-” He faltered, shoulders slumping, “-for Lance McClain.’” Looking up from the cover of the book, he met the eyes of everyone in the circle, a flash of uncertainty marring his features. After all, he knew he and Lance weren’t the closest of the paladins, and this felt too personal for Keith to read. However, the want to know Lance, to understand him better as a friend and team mate, drove Keith to continue.

Opening the notebook, he was slightly disappointed to see one short written note. He could see the crossed out beginnings of earlier notes, the hesitance of the writer clear, as if they didn’t know how to begin, “A lot of this isn’t going to make sense to you, and I’m sorry about that. I was hoping to one day tell you about the wonders of our family, but just in case, I’ve left a video recording for you to try and help you understand why this happened to you.”

Keith looked up to see Hunk rooting through several cassettes before pulling one labeled ‘McClain House and family history, by Alexa McClain for Lance McClain.’ Pidge, who’s eye had been caught by an innocuous looking cassette player, grabbed it and handed it to Hunk, who put the cassette into it. 

A video recording flickered to life on the small screen, which led to Allura standing up, hunting for something to hopefully enlarge the image so they could all see it clearly. After having found it, they connected it with some difficulty to the cassette player before starting the video again. There were a few moments of shaky fiddling with the camera before a young woman appeared on the screen, a bright-if a little sad-smile stretching her full lips and freckled cheeks beautifully. Brown skin seemed to glow healthily in the sunlight as she waved to the video camera, blue eyes sparkling. 

The team were entranced by the young woman, who tucked a loose lock of curly brown hair behind her ear. She seemed to be standing on the edge of a forest, a warm jacket-Shiro was struck with the knowledge that it was Lance’s jacket- covering her shoulders, well worn gloves wrapped her hands and fingers comfortably. The camera dipped slightly and the team’s breath caught as they saw the glimpse of a slightly rounded belly under a faded gray shirt spattered with glittery stars and planets, the words ‘Nasa, show me the aliens’ written in a bold silver across what was clearly a pregnancy bump. 

The woman seemed to lift it up again, camera still shaking as she muttered lowly before clearing her throat, bright smile firmly in place once more, “Hello Lance,” She started, voice soft and sweet, “Oh, God, that sounded awfully formal, I’m giving you the wrong impression of me.” She giggled, blue eyes bright with happiness as she adjusted the camera once again, “Let’s start over. Hey there Lance, it’s me, your mom, Alexa, which you probably already know,” She giggled again, “This is gonna be a long video, so you might wanna grab something to eat, drink and find somewhere to sit comfortably. You can pause the video, don’t worry, I’ll still be here when you get back.”

There was a short pause before Alexa shuffled slightly, a soft look in her eyes, “You comfy? Yeah? Okay, let’s begin,” her smile faltered slightly as she sighed, the team settling back comfortably as they watched this woman, Lance’s mom, on the screen. Pidge lay on their belly, Hunk leaned back on his hands, eyes never leaving the screen, in awe of how much Lance and Alexa looked similar. Keith seemed to lay back, using a couple of pillows to prop himself up, Shiro sitting cross-legged next to him. Coran and Allura were curled up together, the mice taking up residence within Allura’s long hair. 

“So,” Alexa began, the movement in the background of the film suggesting that she’d started walking, “I guess I should start at the beginning, with the house.”

Alexa’s eyes drifted away from the camera briefly as she stepped over a fallen branch, careful to keep her footing and the camera as steady as possible. She knew, logically, that she probably shouldn’t have come here while four months pregnant, but something about the time had seemed right when she’d found the letter her mother had left for her. Recently 18, the young woman felt that, considering her family history, that she should leave something behind for her son should anything happen to her. 

“I lived here till I was eleven, but I wasn’t allowed inside half of the rooms,” She continued from where she’d left off, moving the camera to catch sight of the family house looming in the distance. It looked just as she and her mother had left it all those years ago, tall and imposing against the sky line, a hodge-podge of built in rooms and areas of the house stacked crookedly atop one another. A tower rose from one side of the room in counterpoint to the relatively tree-house looking other side of the roof. Alexa thought she could perhaps hear the creaking of the buildings as a gust of wind swept past her, sending her hair batting into her face.

Spitting hair from out of her mouth, her eyes locked onto a tree nearby. The washed out, moldy image of a missing persons poster left a stab of pain in her heart; the camera was pointed to the slightly blurry image of a happily smiling boy, a paper crown resting atop his curly hair. She could almost feel the mischief pouring out from his grayed our eyes before she locked eyes with the camera once more, “My brother Cameron went missing when I was four,” She said seriously, a frown pursing her lips up sadly, “It was like the house had swallowed him up. I hadn’t been back since my brother Joseph’s funeral.” 

She paused as she walked comfortably for a while longer, taking in the sights of the forest around her with a small, barely there smile. She turned her attention back to the camera as she rounded the curved edge of the road. A mailbox came into view, and Alexa found herself grinning at the sight of the miniature family house that played the mailbox. Opening it, she grimaced at the mail left inside, the smell of mold and wet paper making her feel slightly nauseous. “Looks like there’s still bills in here from seven years ago...” Alexa muttered, pulling them out after opening the mailbox, flitting through them, snickering at the ‘urgent, open immediately’ that was stamped on the envelopes. Putting them back inside the mailbox, she shut it before turning the camera back to her face.

“In her will, my mother left me a key, but didn’t tell me what it unlocked,” Alexa huffed, walking down the winding path, coming closer and closer to the old house. There was a sense of discomfort, a feeling that the house was waking up, waiting for her, “Maybe she thought I’d know... Or maybe she thought the mystery would be enough to bring me back .” Alexa knew she was probably just talking to fill in the silence, but she felt that she needed to distract herself from where she was going. Through muscle memory, she turned into the small, narrow and steep path to the side of the road, where the sign ‘The McClains’ pointed her to. 

“The truth is,” she murmured, “even after I inherited the house, I never thought I’d come back to it.” She paused, looking down the path and felt an overwhelming wave of nostalgia wash over her, “But I knew I had questions about my, our family that only the house knew the answers to.”

Alexa felt determination fill her, despite the discomforting feeling she got from both the house and the woods surrounding her, “The woods around the house have always been uncomfortably silent, as if they’re about to say something but never... do...” She trailed off, allowing the silence of the forest to permeate the video for a moment, before she continued her trek.

It wasn’t long before she came across the house. Standing in the shadow of the family house, Alexa felt as if she had gone back to being that small, helpless eleven year old again. The thought squeezed her heart as she tipped her head back, the hand not holding the camera coming to rest on her rounded belly protectively. Here, in the stillness of the woods, the house looming above her, she could clearly remember that old fear from her childhood, the fear that the house would just swallow her up and never let her go. She shuddered, partly from the cooling Autumn air and partly from the uneasy feeling she got from staring at the house. “It looks exactly like it did when we left... looks exactly like how I’ve dreamt about it these past seven years...” She murmured softly, shoulders tensing as she looked away from the house.

Breathing deep, she started walking up to the house, hands shaking slightly as she did. “You know, as a kid, I used to be really scared of the house,” Alexa hummed, letting her hand gently trail over the overgrown garden fences, “I couldn’t ever really explain why.” She mumbled, walking up the porch, spotting the old pots and potting earth left behind by her family oh so long ago. 

Coming up to the door, she held up the small key left to her by her mother, frowning when she inserted it into the lock and it didn’t open. “Damn, I thought this would unlock the front door.” She huffed, kneeling down to look through the mail slot and into the house. A chill rushed down her spine as she did so. It felt like the house had been... waiting for her to come back. Swallowing thickly, Alexa stood back up, looking around for a moment. Softly, she could hear the chiming of wind bells coming from the side of the house, and chuckled softly before turning to go past the front of the house and towards the side. 

Coming up to the side door, she paused to tap on the wind chime, sending a soft tinkling over the silent forest. Inserting the key into the door, she frowned as it, too, didn’t unlock. Glancing down, Alexa saw the old, cracked doggy-door and frowned, before groaning. “Looks like this is the only way inside, huh, Lancey?” She cooed to her belly, kneeling in front of the doggy door and moving the flap to the side. Pushing the camera through the doggy-door, she crawled into the house, bracing her hand against the door behind her to help herself get up. Alexa pat her hands clean on her jeans, before bending and picking the camera back up from the floor, “Used to be a lot easier when I was just eleven.” She grumbled, sending an unamused look into the camera before pointing it to look into the garage. 

Turning back to the door, she tried to flip on the lights, groaning when it didn’t turn on, “Right, the power was turned off the night mom and I left...” Alexa sighed, turning to walk around the old, abandoned car and towards the door she knew would lead into the kitchen area. She allowed the camera to trail over the wood working spaces, catching the soft rays of sunlight that filtered in through the upper windows of the garage, remembering days where she and her brothers, great-grandmother Emma and mom would work on various house projects that had to be done.

 Opening the door to the kitchen, Alexa breathed out a soft sound, a wave of welcoming, dread, and wistfulness coming over her. The kitchen, messy and unorganized, left the way it had been that last night in the house, greeted her and the camera. Dishes were still piled up in the sink, unopened cans of salmon sat on the counter tops, and she could barely, but just about, see the opened and abandoned boxes of Chinese food on the dining table from where she stood.

She was silent for a moment, taking in the dilapidated, dirty old kitchen. Turning the camera to her face, ignoring her own watery eyes and sadder smile, she cleared her throat, “Welcome home, Lance and Alexa.”

[sundrenched-smilez]

odd numbers for the lesbian asks! (if it's too many just do every 4th one maybe?)

1. Femme or butch? 

for type, im vry easily wooed by butches tbh

as for myself, im genderfluid + heavily lean towards butch-ish for one gender + have been gettin more comf w that term for myself. the 3 genders i switch between, ive described as sharp, dainty and tired, for reason of not really being comf w gender labels aside from nonbinary. sharp/tired r kinda butchish, moreso sharp. like leather jackets, ripped jeans, dress pants/shirts, defs flannels (which r a given for any mood im in tbh) while tired is like mb softer, more focused on flannels + loose tank tops/shirts, shorts + certain skirts, comfy clothes, and the like   

ive found that i’m leaning more towards butch lately too, like i’ve been a lot more comfortable with pants and a nice top than i have w dresses or most skirts + im wondering if i was just hanging on to femininity for sake of society, so those r things 2 think abt. i still feel comf in them sometimes, but it’s getting much less often. gender’s weird, i still cant cling to one bc of how pressuring that is so genderfluidity is still smth for me + it shifting to different percentages is okay (im thinking out loud @ this point, but its helping so i hope its interesting to read)

3. Plaid button-ups or leather jackets?

both, but primarily flannels/plaid buttion-ups

5. Describe your aesthetic

aaahh theres a lot of diff aesthetics i could go into, but i have a tag if ur interested in a visual representation? basically, cosy homes, forests, wooden steps and bridges, cats, girls/nbs, water, plants, and old video game stuff, and clouds/skies. i’m sure there’s more in there, but for a good rule of thumb !! as for like dressing aesthetic, i like to look rly gay + attractive and a lil showy? like my shorts r Short and i love crop tops + a lot of my shirts show my bra thru them, + i like showing it when i can, like sports bra + a tank top is a fav look of mine bc i can make it look like my bra is a trim on the shirt + it’s cute. i’ve been wearing dresses less often, but occasionally, i like to rock one. id love a pair of combat boots but i have like size 11/12 feet + most stores dont carry that size + im hesitant to buy some online. 

7. Favorite pair of shoes?

its rly hard to find any, i have like walmart converse knockoffs atm + theyre a beige/grey color im not that huge on, it kinda reminds me of sandalwood but depressed

9. Any haircut goals for the future? 

there was the undercut!! and i have that down now c: next step is to dye it blue and mb some purple. i wanna bleach it if i’m gonna dye it, but im hesitant to do that bc of how damaging it is, but since my hair’s been cut a cpl time almost all the color is out now, so i think itll b ok if i take good care of it. 

11. Describe the worst date you’ve been on

i went to a cafe w someone (i think they were nb but i cant remember, it was like 2 yrs ago about ) and they were impossible to talk to bc they just kept saying “im awkward sorry” @ everything and like any conversations i tried to maintain were all one-shot responses, and like that was a lil frustrating. like i dont hold it against them or anything, more in a sense of i was rly tryin 2 carry it and just couldnt 

13. If taken, talk about your girlfriend/wife!

whooh i wish i was taken, i need affection + to b cute w someone 

15. Describe your dream wedding

hmmmm i havent thought much about it !! i know when i was younger i wanted to wear a black wedding dress but now im thinkin mb a suit that switches to dress @ the bottom?? that could b cool. I’d be happy w anything tbh, if im getting married, i’d just b happy to be w my wife/spouse. mb somewhere in a forest or on a boat would b cool, defs lots of good food and colorful flowers. I’d like a lot of color, most weddings ive been to are just b/w and bland for my taste (they’ve also all been straight tho so theres that.) it’s kind of wild to think that i might b married someday, but it’d b rly nice. i just haven’t thought much abt the planning of one. it’d b rly gay tho, probs give out tiny gay flags at each seat, and the cake could b lesbian flag colors. im rly drawing a blank on this, but i know id want all my friends around the country + world to be there. 

17. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?

i definitely want to live in a port town at some point !! idk where i’d like to settle down, ideally somewhere that doesnt get much hotter than 90 degrees + has lots of parks + is big enough for some events, like pride stuff, little festivals, a farmer’s market, and places to do things, such as a movie theater, bowling alley, mb an aquarium, if not one in a nearby town. hiking trails r also good. 

19. Favorite lesbian novel/story?

on a sunbeam!!! its a huge inspiration for me, and i love it so much. it always puts me in such a good mindset when i read it, and the artist is my age, so it makes me feel like I can also accomplish great things if i rly put my heart into it!! which is such a good feeling, and it has great representation + characters that i love, and its rly gay, and in space and theres ships shaped like fish + its gorgeous : D i could go on for hrs abt it + how important it is to me. theres an nb character too, and like the aspect of found families is one that rly hits home and it helped me get thru a rough time of my life + better accept myself as queer/gay. 

21. Favorite lesbian musician?

adult mom (tho i think they’re bi but still gay), or hayley kiyoko

23. Ever been assumed to be nothing more than a gal pal?

i think so, but i can’t place when, it’s been a bit. 

25. Be positive! What do you like most about being a lesbian?

talking abt being gay w other girls/nbs is lovely and cathartic, i never got to growing up bc i lived in a homophobic town + i was like dealing heavily with internalized homophobia and body/gender dysphoria so i was ace for a bit. talking more abt like sexual attraction + aesthetic attraction is new to me, and that’s been a process to get to, but it’s nice that I can now do so w/o being belittled or barraged by insult. i also just love the thought of being w someone, and daydreaming abt when that happens is really nice. also,, girls + nbs r a blessing and brighten my day and im so glad im attracted 2 them 

27. Turn ons?

absolutely communication, that’s a need. i had a bad experience w someone bc she wasn’t communicative at all, and failed to tell me that we weren’t dating despite us going on several dates + kissing??? like i wont go too into it, but hatchi matchi it was a mess. so yeah, communication, affection, and like reassurance that they actually want to be with me, and that my presence is wanted and enjoyed. I got a lot of “i dont care”s for answers last sort-of relationship, and that was rly discouraging. another turn on is for them to initiate talking and things, like holding hands or planning to hang out + such. consent is another big one. 

29. Do you usually ask other women out or do you wait for them to ask you?

i usually tend to ask them out, but im still dealing w internalized junk, so its difficult. i also havent any situations in which they liked me back, which is frustrating. like i got lead on earlier summer for abt a month until i asked what we were doing + didnt rly get an answer, and it was this whole mess. i generally try to make the first move tho, bc i know firsthand how difficult it is, but that being said, it’s still hard for me to know for sure if theyre interested + i dont wanna make things uncomf w them, so i’ll wait until i think there might b attraction. that being said, once that’s all out of the way, i like to consider myself a good flirt when im trying. 

31. Talk about your interests or hobbies!

i have lots of interests!! im obsessed w steven universe, its my fav show (and if u ever have time, we should totally watch it together sometime, i rly think you’d love it, it’s super gay + heartwarming.) i really love playing music and learning new songs, which im rly great at memorizing. talking to friends + gettin 2 know them better is always nice and fun. i like to draw new things + see the different ways ppl draw, so seeing art on here is always fun for me. i’m also rly into polygon videos (it’s a youtube channel, not like videos abt polygon haha) and this podcast called the adventure zone. season one just ended, so i might start listening to another one called friends at the table. i rly wanna start a podcast w someone, but can never find anyone to start it with. idk what I’d talk abt but if i could find a partner for it, i think it’d be a lot of fun. mb smth abt games or books/queer representation in media. doing a dnd podcast would also b rly fun, but a lot of work + editing so mb later down the road !! im blanking on other interests atm, but animations and cartoons r lovely and i aim to make something in that field one day, if not just a comic.

my hobbies r mostlyyyy drawing, dnd things now every thursday, hanging w my friends, playing video games, sometimes writing (i rly wanna start a comic, and im tryin to get my butt into gear on it), goin to parks, listening to music, and goin 2 events w roe + cesar, two of my friends. sometimes ill play music!! i need to get more than the keyboard i’m lending, but i love performing. ill also watch leg birds on youtube, theyre a lesbian couple that plays gams + theyre rly sweet. 

33. Do you love easily or does it take time for you to warm up to someone?

its easy for me to love friends, doesnt usu take me more than a few months of knowing them if were talking a lot. as for falling in love, that takes me a lot longer. ive never rly been in love w someone. i thought i was once, but rly it was just my first gay experience w someone and i wanted it to be perfect so i projected a lot of things + made it better than it seemed to myself for the duration of it, which wasn’t healthy, so i wanna avoid doing that again, + take things slower next time. or at least for what they are. 

35. Ever fallen for a straight girl?

a few times, they were just crushes tho, so it wasnt too too bad

37. Favorite comfort food?

hot cocoa or tea. as for food food, i dont think i have one. mb french toast or cinnamon rolls. 

39. Vegetarian? Vegan? None of the above?

i used to be a vegetarian!! for like a yr, but it was difficult for me to eat and feel full, and i was pretty underweight, so i stopped. 

41. Early-riser or night-owl?

both, i tend to stay up, but getting up early can be nice if i dont have to do anything. like just gently waking + making some tea and a nice breakfast + sittin around for a bit. 

43. What is your Myers-Briggs type?

enfp-a 

45. At what age did you know you were a lesbian?

i think like 16-17? it took me a bit to get words for identity, like lesbian/nonbinary and the like, but i always knew, like id call myself an individual as opposed to gendered terms that i was referred to, and always felt rly yucky w deadname + the wrong pronouns

47. Are you crushing on anyone at the moment (celebrity or otherwise)?

ive got one crush atm !! and another person who seems nice, but i wanna hang out w before like thinking abt a crush (im poly, which perhaps goes w/o saying, but i always like to state it when talking abt these things, jic )

49. Talk about your dreams/aspirations for the future

i’d like a partner or two, to get some bongos- i got to play some a couple weeks ago, and it was the most fun i’ve had playing anything!! having smth with an instant response that i could make up rhythms with was really rewarding and so much fun. i know i want a cat at some point, to go on cute dates + cuddle and kiss a lot w someone, to visit my friends in other places, dye my hair, get a better job, to travel a bit, make a comic, go to college for animation and storyboarding, mb go to camp at some point, and I’d like to make some more friends here, i’m already making some, which i’m super happy about, but it’s always nice meeting new ppl 

thank u for asking!! this was relaxing + fun, and a lot of the topics were cathartic to talk about, and i needed it. so thanks for listening too kinda

also im queen of commas, i’ve discovered while typing this

[very-cherry]

Hey. Hi. Big fan. I don't watch half of the shows that you reblog, but your enthusiasm is quality. Um.. this is super personal, so I totally understand if you don't answer, but how did you realise you were nb?

omg im so sorry you have sat through my tags for this long, buddy you deserve better lmao. but no this is super okay to talk about, and ya its personal but im alright with it bc sometimes its nice to talk about?? like its a lot easier to explain over here rather than to my family (rip) but yeah i can get into it. um, itll be under the cut tho bc its a long answer, so if my other followers (or people who may get triggered) dont wanna read like ya theres that

the short answer: i realised last year, bc of everything that piled up and me finally finding the time to sit down and Think About It.

(tl;dr: at the bottom if youre not here for the Super Long answer)

the long answer: gender had never come easily to me as a kid, like i understood that girls played with dolls and that boys played with trucks. but i also was raised in a family where girls could play with trucks too, as long as they still looked like girls. so from the get go i had a v “tomboyish” look about me, and how i presented myself. i found i was v comfy with the tomboy label growing up, bc it meant i could play with the boys but still be sensitive and emotional while the boys werent allowed to feel like that

my biggest stepping stone tbh was (is) my mother. now if youve followed me for a while you probably know that while my mother loves me, and i suppose i love her (still up in the air), our relationship is v v v v Tense. this is due mostly to the fact that she has this preconceived notion of what the world looks like, and how people should act and present themselves. for her, to have me as a child saying “i wanna dress like a boy” “i wanna be a boy” was no biggie bc i was Just A Kid and would grow up to flourish into a beautiful young woman. which, for the most part, i did. but that doesnt mean i enjoyed it. from the age i was allowed to dress myself, my mother and i would fight about my clothing choices (and i literally mean fight. she would refuse to take me somewhere if i didnt dress the way she wanted. would throw my own clothes at me or on the road outside our house etc) and she would dub my clothes “too casual” and tell me to “dress up” and “look a bit more girly, please?” which i now know is totally Gross and not v nice, but at the time i didnt know any better, i hadnt grown into myself. this, alongside many years of condemnation in regards to my interests and hobbies and things i just enjoyed and wanted to talk about, just Didnt Add Up to my mother. she loved having two pretty daughters, pretty daughters who could wear dresses and live out the life she couldnt bc she fell pregnant with my older sister at 19, and thus had to grow up v quickly (no blame on my sister tho, shes my favourite person in the world and shes trying v hard to understand me and loves me v much)

fast forward a couple years: i was 15 when i first developed my eating disorder. quite frankly, it was only upon realising that im nb as to how i figured out what my ed was Actually About. i didnt like my curves. i didnt like being “girly”. i did constant misguided ab workouts and ate three rice cakes for lunch, followed by nothing but a banana until dinner. my sleep patterns were hit and miss bc i would either write away the pain or stay up wondering what this Thing i was feeling was (spoiler: it was dysphoria). i tried super hard to love my curves, to own myself and how i looked, but it never felt Right. i never understood. i would see my psychologist and ramble about my ed and she would pinpoint it and say it was curves and i would always just say “but its not”. bc it wasnt Just Curves, it was the idea as a whole. and it was v confusing and scary, so much like my exploration into my sexuality, i just put it off.

it was combating my ed that helped me most, i think. it was getting over it, and forcing myself back into a natural sleep pattern (so i could actually do year 12 without wrecking myself). i didnt get over it until around april 2016, which was when i fell in love with the idea of self love, and decided to give it a go. i listened to my psychologist, and she was v patient with me, and was cautious with where i placed my blame (”yes its your mothers fault for making you react and feel this way, her words hurt you. but youre the one that decides what to do with that negativity”) and it was so so so helpful. she taught me that i was deserving of love, and positivity, and that loving youself is a process, and it doesnt always work the way you want it to, but you need to find what makes you happy and keep doing that. for me, that tied into my food, my talents, my friends, and my actions. im not going to sit here and claim that fitness is key to happiness, but its part of whats key to mine (to the point that i have been inspired to become a personal trainer and teach other people that being “healthy” isnt just about food and exercise). each person has their own individual things that keep them balanced, and if yours is painting your nails instead of doing sit ups fucking go for it - just make sure you find that thing, because it gives you clarity.

my clarity hit me in the beginning of year 12, when i Sat Down and really had a think. i thought back to how i wanted to look growing up, how i wanted to act, i remembered the day i first had a proper bra bought for me instead of a crop top and the way i cried for hours that night without knowing why. i remember not wearing shirts to bed and then suddenly feeling awful when i started having to. i remembered trying to wear boxer shorts and nothing else around the house and being yelled at. i remembered telling my dad i wanted to look how he did when he was 18, and yelling at him when he said “but dont you want to be pretty like your mum”. i remembered my sister cutting my hair in the dead of night in her bedroom, bc i didnt want to look the way i did. i remembered wearing all these oversized clothes to hide my chest. being uncomfortable when anyone (family or stranger) would say “lady”, “girl”, “miss”, “female”. shrinking into myself when someone pointed out my curves. looking in thw mirror and only smiling when my hands were covering and pushing my chest. looking at the scale and not seeing anything other than a number that meant i was stuck being curved. refusing to go swimming bc it meant having to wear a bikini instead of just board shorts. wanting to play on the mens basketball team, wearing mens clothes, being mad when i suddenly couldnt wear them anymore. overcompensating by wearing midriffs and muscle shirts and short shorts and lacy underwear to impress my boyfriend(s) bc i was their GIRLfriend and this is what I Needed To Do. wearing clothes around my first girlfriend that i was really comfortable in, and her telling me that im still nb even if i have to wear a bra for now, and that she wouldnt ever take my shirt off or act as if my chest ever existed if thats what would keep me comfortable, and me nearly crying bc of how validating and overwhelming it was.

it all hit me at once, and i was struck with the blatant honesty of what this had been all along. id ignored it and shoved it down bc i didnt want to upset my mother, disappoint her. i didnt want to be what she never wanted. but then i remembered that i am deserving of love, even if its only ever from myself. 

so i told my best friend, and she was so wonderful with it, and she asked what pronouns i wanted to use from now on, and she helped me ease into shopping for clothes. and i bought a binder, and it fits v well and i fucking love it. and i told my other friends, and all the ones who matter are v supportive and beautiful (one even offered to make me a suit). and i told my two favourite cousins, and my sister, and they make sure to text me that i should stretch when i wear my binder, or to take deep breaths in case i forget to and its v homey and nice and they want me to be happy. and i blurted it out to my mother and she fucking hates it, and shes threatened to “burn” my binder if she ever sees it, to “rip it off [my] body” if i ever wear it in front of her, that she wants “nothing to do with It” and that “its a fucked up idea” someone has “put into my head”. but you know what? thats okay, bc i Know who i am now. and sometimes things dont always go how you want, and sometimes the people who love you most cant love all of you, and i want you guys to know that if that ever happens, youre not obligated to love them back, okay? love yourself, love those who love All Of You.

tl;dr: years of dysphoria piled onto me when i had a hot ten minutes to fully think about it in between classes.

[anepicsomeone]

I'm posting this for my IRL friends if they wanna read it. For the past 4 years I've been developing my gender expression and tbh I think I'm at the point where I'm just not comfy being solidly labelled as a woman. I guess it's always been like that (I never had a preference for pronouns), but idk I've never really talked about it at length with any of you. What brings this up is the other day I was working as an extra on some Netflix show and while it was fun I had to deal with a lot of gendered stuff. When I went to wardrobe/hair & makeup I immediately had to change in a communal changing room. Already, that was rough bc of course I walked in there and a few women starred until I was able to subtley flash my name tag. I ended up changing in the corner, looking at my feet the whole time. After that I had to go to hair, and wow, I actually saw the hair dresser's face drop when she saw me. At least she played it off well by asking my name before doing anything (I know that wasn't great, but I'd rather be gendered by my name than have to explain my gender to a stranger that I'm going to interact with for a negligible amount of time). She ended up trying to gel my hair back so it would look like it was in a ponytail (did NOT work bc poofy hair y'all). Affer that I walked to makeup and one of the makeup artists said "Oh, he's fine," before asking my name, then turning bright pink when I told her. She was actually really nice and offered an apology, then said I didn't have to do the feminine makeup and that I was good to go. As I was waiting for my friend to be done in hair, one of the wardrobe women said, from across the room, "You have to take that white t-shirt off under your costume, it's visible." I had no idea what she was talking about, but as she walked over to me I realized she meant my bra. So I told her it was my bra, and she pulled my collar aside to confirm that. I don't know if she didn't believe me or if she was checking if I could tuck it away, but I did not like that. After that whole ordeal, I still had to use the really busy bathrooms a few times bc I have my period. Confused stares, awkward eye contact, you know the drill. At the end of the night they had the work papers organized into "men and women", and WOW was I relieved when the woman didn't even blink an eye before she asked for my last name. All of that is normal for me, but what got me was when I was complaining about wardobe/hair & makeup to a friend and she said "I don't know how people mistake you for a man, you look like an androgynous woman. I just don't see it." Bless her soul, I love her to bits; what she said was ignorant bc I haven't told her and a lot of my friends how I feel about my gender. [This is where I get into personal identity, so buckle up or keep scrolling] I throw a lot of labels around, but the one that I use most is "butch lesbian". It describes who I'm interested in, my general gender expression, and my experience with sort of being a "woman". Recently I read somewhere that a lot of butches don't exactly feel like women bc they're outside of the typical gender binary in that they don't match the traditional feminine image, which has been used to define womanhood for a long time. Well, damned if that ain't me! As gender evolves passed the binary and mens clothing sections see more and more floral prints, crop tops, and pink everything for me it becomes a loop. I stopped wearing those types of clothes when I wanted to prove my masculinity, but now that notions of gender have changed I feel okay wearing these things (in very specific contexts) and acting a little more feminine. On the surface I don't actually know what I look like, but inside I consider my body masculine/genderless. I don't care that I have boobs, and I'm not upset with what's downstairs (although I do hate periods). I don't feel upset when people assume my gender and use specific pronouns for me (as long as they're not emphasizing when they've labelled me as a woman bc they've seen through my masculine "disguise" and think they deserve a trophy or something). What does upset me is when others treat me as though I'm dumb, like when cis women tell me I'm in the wrong bathroom. I am upset that I've actually had fucking CHILDREN ready to throw hands with me in a public restroom (I blame the mom for that one). I hate it when people see me as a man and stomp all over me bc they think men deserve to be treated like shit (this is more in the vein of chivalry mixed with toxic masculinity). So yeah, the second label I like for myself is simply "androgynous". It doesn't connect or disconnect me from any gender, and that's how I feel. I joke a lot that my gender is all and none at once, but really that's how it is. I don't want to use "genderfluid" or "nonbinary" bc they just don't fit me right. Long story short, I still ID as a butch lesbian bc there are a lot of overlaps between that and androgyny.