#bc i haven't gotten super nervous on any of the rides

[florida3exclamationpoints]

I'm putting this under the cut bc I'm rambling but: the actors at the Frozen show called me out on stage and this is the whole story 😭😭

So we wanted to watch the Frozen singalong show. I picked the seats bc I'm the live music fan. I didn't really know what it was . And there were seats open in the front. So i said let's sit in the front. THAT WAS A MISTAKE. It wasn't just like . on a screen . it was actors doing scenes and explaining the plot of Frozen with musical number breaks where they did just play the clips on screen. But it was funny!!! So i was recording the actors scenes (before the show started I STG there was an announcement that said photos and recordings were encouraged). AND THEN....... so the story was that they were looking for Elsa and in the middle Kristoff came out looking for her. And the main actor guy was like I haven't seen her 🤷 and then he LOCKED IN ON ME AND POINTED AT ME AND SAID "you! Illegally recording the show! What's your name? Have you seen Elsa? Have you looked 🤨" and then through the rest it HE SAID MY NAME LIKE 5 TIMES 😭😭 and you know what. It was funny. But. I HAVE SOCIAL ANXIETY!!!!!!! I wouldn't have sat in the front if I knew it was an audience interacting kinda thing 💀 and the FIRST thing he said was that i was illegally recording in front of a whole theater of people and NO I WASNT!!!!! IT SAID RECORDING WAS ENCOURAGED! PROBABLY SO THEY CAN DO THAT BIT!! AND I FELL FOR IT!! BUT WHAT IF THAT THEATER FULL OF PEOPLE THINKS IM THE KIND OF PERSON TO ILLEGALLY RECORD SHOWS NOW ?????? That was the worst part like I'm sure it was a joke but I was like does everyone in here think I'm a horrible person now. He was joking right ���😳 ?? Did he say it bc he actually thought i was ?? Does the Disney World actor man think I'm an awful person?????? And I know it's not that deep but ANXIETY!!!!! Anyway he asked my name so I told him and he asked if I had seen Elsa so I said no and he asked if I had looked lol so I said no 😭 (I almost called HIM out on the recording thing like THEY SAID IT WAS ENCOURAGED !!!! but that would have made the bit go on longer and I didn't want the bit to go on longer 💀) and then the main actress lady said I love her honesty and then Kristoff gave his little monolog that I don't remember at all bc my adrenaline was so high . And then the actress lady was like "I think he's just showing off for Elisabeth 🤪" ok and then I was like should I keep recording? Will he say something if I do? Will he say something if I don't? Was i actually wrong? Is anyone else recording? But I ended up keeping recording bc i didn't want to seem like he made me stop 😭 again i know it's not that deep but these were the thoughts running through my mind. And then at the end he was like "meet us at the after party! There is no after party haha. no the after party is at epcot. Elisabeth's buying!!!" 😭😭 and while the curtains were closing he was like thank you for your help Elisabeth and I gave him a thumbs up and he did it back at me and the actress lady said I'm gonna miss Elisabeth 😭 and then I needed a MINUTE to COOL DOWN 😭 none of the rollercoasters came anywhere close to making me feel like some guy on a stage with a microphone saying my name did. I got some of it on videos and I'll watch them later and maybe post if anyone cares and I feel ok sharing it but yeah. I'm not mad about but it but good lord 😭😭😭

[cainightfics]

instead of answering all the asks individually, im just going to address the main question in one post...

where have i been? am i coming back?

tldr: 1) lots of places 2) yes

to answer in greater detail, it rly all begins with the night i made the horrible decision to hit submit on my application to grad school: december 15 2022. now i would not say grad school in itself has been horrible. my last life update in 2023 i was super broke and not doing well-- since then ive gotten scholarships, funding, and job opportunities, so contrary to most people's experience with grad school ive actually appreciated a (mostly) very financially stable existence here. i am just, to put it bluntly, tired. over the past 2 years, due to both my education and the general state of the world, ive had very little will to write fic. ive spent much of my time producing academic work or writing fiction elsewhere. i burned out bad writing my graduating honours thesis in 2023 and have been bombarded with similarly draining long term projects since. i became a semi-notable scholar in my micro-field and have been at conferences all around the world, on projects funded by the government, teaching classes etc but im ready for it to be over. im glad to have had the experience, but when i graduate in a couple months, i won't miss the mental exhaustion. im the type of person that values my freedom too much for all that.

aside from that, ive had 10 jobs in the last 2 years and been doing tons of random shit lol. i learned pretty early on into grad school that despite my success here, academia is really not my thing, so to deal with my disillusionment i started just doing whatever the fuck on weekends. why am i disillusioned? because there is systemic rot that becomes increasingly ridiculous and hypocritical the further up you get, most things you do are either pointless or happen on such a slow timeline they are rendered pointless through the slog, and because it's basically a pyramid scheme.

beyond the structural issues, a lot of people here are... kind of dumb. or maybe not dumb, but disappointing. i haven't made any friends here. that's definitely partially my fault, but also, i just don't find a lot of these people super inspiring or interesting or fun. i think im kind of the crazy person of my program lol. as some of you may know from my previous ask replies i have a very pessimistic and doomer mentality... and something about the insularity and toxic optimism of many ppl in academia bothers me. also you know when you can tell someone has never had the formative experience of working in customer service and being screamed at, assaulted, or threatened by a customer? and so without that formative experience they are annoyingly fresh and naive and innocent and nervous about everything and haven't been beaten down by life in a way that's made them more chill and empathetic? imagine that but it's every person in the room because you are at an elite school known for nepotism and everyone there grew up rich. yeah.

so onto the random shit ive been doing. ill just include the highlights

- found and raised a baby raven

- lived in the woods and survived off shoplifting and fishing for a portion of the winter

- became a cowboy for a bit

- harvested weed for two days, never got paid

- also randomly worked on a pirate ship for like 4 hrs

- went to mexico with 100usd

- went to nyc and visited e corp and elliots house and realized for myself how much elliots commute in-show doesn't make sense lol

- got a job at a maid cafe bc i thought it would be funny and they guilted me into working there for a full month

- very nearly got arrested while trying to ride the rails, had to hide in a cold metal rail car for 2 hrs in the middle of nowhere while i was literally hunted down

- for a while got very into the idea of becoming a hermit and living in a cave (may still revisit this in some way)

those are kind of the highlights! and the whole time i was plagued by the thought that i needed to go back to ao3 and finish what i started....

on a serious note, ive realized over the past 2 years that im not really built for a stable life. its not that i look down on it per say, i just can't do it. im incompatible with the life we are "supposed" to live according to the current cultural hegemony. what i enjoy is reading for fun, writing for fun, exploring, investigating, solving puzzles. when i feel stifled and overwhelmed, i can't focus on that. i do think the experience of grad school has helped me grow, but the development is almost negative-- that was my shot at taking a normal trajectory, or at trying to find validation and solace in a traditional setting. i realized the feedback and sort of affective dialectic of interacting with you, of writing and having my work read by an audience who shares the same interests as me, is far more fulfilling than what ive been doing. im really looking into trying to pursue a life where i can be somewhat self sufficient and have lots of time (and not just time, mental energy!!) for creative stuff. i have become increasingly pessimistic about our collective future and about The State Of Things, but at the same time, ive found existential freedom in giving up on the life everyone tells me i should be living

so anyways. if u feel inclined, i'd like to know what you've been up to as well!!

[taegularities]

RID 🫶🫶 HOW ARE YOU???

i hope you are having an AMAZING DAY! ❤️ the weather here is so good, im so happy :)

okay SUPER long tea alert; my friends recently peer pressured (not rlly) me into downloading tinder 🤭 ive always been pretty against tinder bc i wanna meet my soulmate irl and ppl on tinder tend to be pretty thirsty (not all, but most) 🤷‍♀️

but anyways, I FEEL CONFLICTED!! this one (who is so incredibly hot may i add 🤭) started texting me and oh god, hes so smooth. he teases a little and we haven't been texting long but he asked me out on a date for next friday! BUT THEN!!! this other guy, who is def more sweeter, also asked to get coffee with me this week. i said yes to both but idk I FEEL GUILTY! 🧍‍♀️ im a loyal girl and i keep having to remind myself that im single and dating like this okay... but idk it just feels strange? im sure im overthinking it, but god im nervous!!

also ive never been on an official date before (which makes this more nerve wracking😔) ive been on like "dates" but nothing where the guy intentionally says that he wants to take me out on a date 🧍‍♀️the last time i was about to go on a date, the man pretty much cancelled and never rescheduled, so i feel nervous even being excited about it bc what if they cancel?? (im def overthinking, i genuinely cant help it 💀)

but anyways, thats my current dilemma, any advice would help!!! i hope you are well and PLEASE take ur time w cmi!!! 🙏 i saw a couple of asks of ppl asking u to rush or work on two chapters at once... please dont listen! thats where burnout comes from! take your time (i will literally wait 10 years for another chapter) 🫡

- wife from war anon 💂‍♀️

BABE HELLO !!!! <3 i'm okay, just weirdly tired !! kinda glad uni is starting soon but also sad bc i won't be able to be here as much anymore 😔 but yes, the weather has gotten better here, too !! i saw the sun today 🥺

girl, the tea you just spilled has me dead 😭 okay listen, most important thing first: i was on tinder for over a year and the people on there are insane – some would fake their age, others would use someone else's pictures. i could dive into my strange ass tinder experience but 💀 next time lmaoo. but what i wanna say is – make sure those guys are who they say they are! and meet in a very public place, just in case... let someone know that you're on that date, just to be sure, okay??

BUT MOVING ON. LISTEN. two guys that you're vibing with? that's amazing 😭 it's absolutely okay to meet both, that's literally what tinder is for! if it makes you feel better, you could let the guys know that you've been meeting others, too, as friends/casually? but since you're not with any of them, it's fine to get to know people. you might even end up with new friends :D i honestly do hope though, that they don't cancel, reschedule or hurt you, or i'll start rolling up my sleeves lol

keep things casual for now! if any of them does end up cancelling, remember you're better than this 😌 and you might even find up someone better later! that's okay, dating apps are like that :') but seriously, don't feel guilty, go with the flow and have fun... and definitely lmk how things played out >:)

yesss, i'll take my time for sure! i just outlined that jk chapter, but i only work on it when i feel like it. i started rereading the series today to have a better overview of it, and got to our beloved chapter lights hehehe but yeah. definitely working at my own pace. thank you, babe. it'll be a ride <333