#bc he is also bi and also the only other queer person i am remotely close with irl

[gnflorida]

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[prosopopeya]

New Year’s Meme

this survey has been a tradition among my friend group for YEARS, but i haven’t filled it out since 2015 apparently. i’m not entirely sure why except 2016 was the year a lot of stuff changed for me, namely in that i finally got out of school in some form and started a new job, but i also had a few health problems that kept plaguing me (thyroid medicine being off, vitamin d) and my anxiety was all over the place. so here we go i’m doing it again and feel free to do it too if you want!!

1. What did you do in 2020 that you’d never done before? tried on wedding dresses. taught virtually. dealt (poorly) with drunk teenagers. performed in a pep rally. wore face masks all the time. i’m going to lump in living with someone. jon moved in october 2019, but i don’t think i did this quiz last year so. taught ap.

2. Did you keep your New Years’ resolutions and will you make more for next year? i don’t really like resolutions. they put too much pressure on me and i am a fragile person when it comes to setting expectations and living up to them. i did want to try to read more this year, and i maintained that until the pandemic, and then just kind of gave up requiring myself to do anything but live.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? i don’t think so. a coworker did.

4. Did anyone close to you die? jon’s cousin committed suicide in march or april. the circumstances were pretty upsetting. um. andy died in february, very suddenly. andy was my high school boyfriend for four years with whom i had a very... he scarred me in a lot of ways when it comes to sex and consent. it’s taken me a long time to unpack all of that. and i struggle with how much any of that was his fault or just bc he was a stupid kid too. our mutual friends had nothing but nice things to say about him on fb. anyway. he would guilt me into saying he’d kill himself if we broke up, and jon’s cousin killed himself over his girlfriend. so that was a complex part of the year.

5. What countries did you visit? none. literally the week before the quarantine, we went to asheville to visit jon’s cousin.

6. What would you like to have in 2021 that you lacked in 2020? maybe a different job? or at least some peace at doing mine.

7. What date from 2020 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? march 13 we cancelled classes and had a technology training day; the 15th we had another one, and then we were virtual the rest of the term. it was such a sudden shift and while i so loved working from home tbh, it was such a relief after a supremely shitty january/february work-wise, i still had a lot of keyed-up, stressful days centered around transitioning to being the senior upper school spanish teacher. i hate it!

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? writing 50k in the month of november. i have literally never done that before and actively reject nano as being typically unhealthy for how my mind works, so it was nice to do it entirely by accident.

9. What was your biggest failure? mishandling the drunken teenagers on that field trip in january.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? i sit crosslegged in my virtual teaching chair and i did it so much that my ankle hurt for the entire summer.

11. What was the best thing you bought? we put a deposit on our elopement in ireland. jon’s wedding ring. (i didn’t buy my wedding dress.)

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? my best friend at work who keeps me sane and is represented by benny in my au, which other than the fact that he is not my sidepiece, is perfect he is crucial to my survival at work and i love him so much. (also he is gay and the french teacher so the benny parallels just keep coming). everyone who tore down a statue in virginia (and other places, but especially monument avenue). everyone putting their lives on the line during this pandemic.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? guess! but aside from all the obvious, i found out a friend of mine at work voted for trump. my work bff and i had been trying for years to sway his politics, but that had us both deciding to give up on him.

14. Where did most of your money go?  food, ALCOHOL. god., our savings account. i did a pretty excellent job saving this year, though a good deal of that is because jon moved in and makes more money than me, and also we split all the bills.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? my wedding dress but strangely only when i went to try it on after it came in bc after the purchase i was so sure i’d made every mistake possible. my wedding band. wellbutrin changing my whole life. and, last but certainly not least, the gay angel and the bi(lingual) hunter. i wouldn’t have survived nov-dec in school without that distraction. the election.

16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2020? the entirety of taylor swift’s oeuvre this year, maybe specifically “this is me trying”

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:  i. Happier or sadder? happier, i suppose, perhaps contrary to what should be the case, but wellbutrin is a hell of a drug. ii. Older or wiser? wiser. ii. Richer or poorer? richer.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? reading. cleaning. exercising.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? stressing. chaperoning.

20. How will you be spending Christmas? so, an update; last year was the first year i didn’t go to my mom’s for christmas. i was supposed to see her for thanksgiving last year, but she basically told us not to come bc she wasn’t feeling up to it (cool!), and we went to jon’s for christmas and my mom’s for new year’s. 

this year, obviously we couldn’t go to my mom’s. instead, we rented a little cabin by the lake. it was perfect; it was really really nice inside, the beds were SO SOFT, the pillows were the best things i have ever laid my head on, like i took off the pillowcases to try to find the brand. we had a little tiny christmas tree with tiny ornaments from walmart that we decorated. the 23rd, we went and picked up our wedding bands. we slept two nights in the (cold) back bedroom so i could wake up and look out at the lake. it snowed for christmas. :)

we opened presents on christmas eve, per jon’s family’s tradition. on christmas eve, we also went to his family farm and sat outside and hung out a little. every year his family does like a secret santa sort of thing and i got my first present in that exchange, which is notable bc jon and i are not yet officially married. i got a remote control car -- jon’s idea bc i couldn’t think of anything, and he was so delighted to hear that i loved playing with rc cars when we went to the beach as a kid.

christmas morning we facetimed my parents and opened some presents together. then jon and i marathoned mandalorian (after spending the previous few days watching several die hard movies), and then we watched wonder woman 1984 which was a bad movie.

21. How will you be spending New Year’s Eve? ok LAST year for new year’s, we were in a hotel room, so that was nice, bc it meant minimal stress with my parents. i had always wanted to go to this restaurant near us that has a special new year’s menu, so we did that. the night before or after i think we went to cheesecake factory, which was also amazing.

this year currently i’m tumbling and he’s playing pokemon, and in a bit we’ll try to time it so we finish schitt’s creek in time for the new year.

22. Did you fall in love in 2020? i re-fell in love with supernatural so that was nice.

23. How many one-night stands? 0. i submit we should randomly change question 23 each year to something more relevant to any of our life experiences.

24. What was your favorite TV program? what did i even watch this year. schitt’s creek. mandalorian. i mean obviously we know supernatural. the circle. are you the one (the queer season). pose. unsolved mysteries. we’re here! perry mason. watchmen. oh maybe that mcdonald’s monopoly fraud documentary. avenue 5. i’ll be gone in the dark. of those i think my favorite maybe is... pose or we’re here.

OKAY UM. on my 2014 version of this there were a bunch of questions about tv shows that i’m putting back in if only for the memories:

25. Which TV shows did you start watching in 2020? the haunting of bly manor, which we still need to finish. derry girls.

26. Which TV shows did you let go of in 2020? HERE’S WHY I WANTED TO RESURRECT THESE. here was my answer in 2015: “supernatural. goodbye, my sweet prince.” CAN YOU EVEN FUCKING BELIEVE

27. Which TV shows did you mean to get into but didn’t in 2020? Why? so far, queen’s gambit and that one on hulu with catherine the great. EVENTUALLY. 28. Which TV shows do you intend on checking out in 2020? fleabag. queen’s gambit. 29. Which TV show do you think you might let go of in 2020 unless things significantly improve? idk i drop things pretty regularly if they don’t entertain me 30. Which TV show impressed you least in 2020? GUYS HERE’S MY ORIGINAL 2015 ANSWER: “supernatural. :(”

anyway back to the rest of the quiz:

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? every person who refuses to listen to facts and information.

26. What was the best book you read? killers of the flower moon: the osage murders and the birth of the fbi, or the his dark materials series.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery? well i knew about tswift so i’m not going to count her albums. i will count this song that jon played for me once in the car that got stuck in my head for two weeks straight and led me down into a great related-songs spotify playlist: through the roof ‘n underground.

28. What did you want and get? a wedding dress and a very specific kind of wedding band. a gay angel. a christmas getaway. animal crossing.

29. What was your favorite film of this year? idk i don’t know how many films i saw this year. maybe mucho mucho amor: the legend of walter mercado

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? i was 32. we went to an escape room with a BUNCH of people -- work bff, my old work bff and his wife (old bc he quit and we’ve fallen out of touch :(), the cool new physics teacher and his fiancee, and the aforementioned trump voter and his wife, before we knew... we went out for brunch/lunch after. it was pretty great!

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? not having to chaperone that school trip in january. dean being bi in english as well as spanish. cas just ilke, appearing in 15x20. not having to physically go back to work this fall.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2020? no! real! pants!

34. What kept you sane? jon. supernatural (in a way?). animal crossing for a while. wellbutrin! i haven’t really been able to detail this yet, but finally i did something about tumblr and my therapist making me think about adhd. my doctor gave me wellbutrin (bc i lack any official diagnosis and was on anxiety meds anyway, and he was like let’s try this!) and it’s fucking. it’s a fucking godsend. surprisingly enough, my students. trying to provide them a safe space has been a calming thing for me.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? jensen ackles’ silence. misha collins again, i guess.

36. What political issue stirred you the most? the summer was so fucking intense. i guess though it was me trying to exert my influence in a responsible way with my students without trying to try to make them feel uncomfortable but then one kid was a vocally upset trump supporter after the election and i had to try to defuse that situation.

37. Who did you miss? my old work bff. several old friends that i’ve fallen out of touch with bc i have no object permanence.

38. Who was the best new person you met? people i met through the spn resurgence!

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2020: if you manifest it in an au, it will come. no really though. maybe that expectations are only as important as i make them out to be.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: usually i have a hard time coming up with anything for this and i default to looking at my most played songs of the year. my most played song of the year received each and every one of its plays within the month of november and you can guess why. anyway see if this works

I had all and then most of you Some and now none of you Take me back to the night we met I don't know what I'm supposed to do Haunted by the ghost of you Take me back to the night we met - the night we met, lord huron

[originlist]

ok but picture

bisexual saber gilles dealing with internalizied homophobia

i leave the concept to you

u know, imma be real with you anon, generally i dont do a ton of aspects of like internalized [x]phobia because in my fantasy world theres no institutionalized homo/transphobia because its my fantasy and i, a gay trans, wanna imagine living my best life in these verses lmao (also bc fate is an extremely queer franchise character-wise, its numerous and myriad faults with that very aspect aside, so i imagine just everyone in the wholeass throne is bi or gay) HOWEVER

that being said

gilles prob would (and i am referring to saber, if u think caster gives a single fuck other than going ‘haha sin yaaaay’ then idk how to help u) not only have a level of internalized homophobia but in himself in particular feel hoo boy Not Good about any sort of any attraction he has to Anyone, even if he were the straightest dude ever to straight. just because he, dude hates himself, thinks hes a curse, refuses to let himself be anywhere near the day care squad despite canonically liking hanging out with kids in the way a normal dude just likes being sunday school lead, tells master that if he starts being weird they should not only kill him but force him to kill himself, gilles feeling himself remotely inclined to actually be around another person in anything other than a business- or war-driven situation is

[saber gilles lying flat on the ground, playing a funeral dirge on the kazoo, going ‘oh god i do not Deserve to be Around A Person, that in itself is a Sin and i am God’s Least Favourite Mistake, god forbid that person is male, who the fuck am i, caster? am i caster now? should i die?’]

[the ghost of caster, pointing and laughing at him]

anyways tl;dr, it’s unlikely i’d write internalized homophobia as a central focus of anything because im not super into using homophobia, internalized or otherwise, as a plot point/motive just because i myself am gay and like my fantasy worlds where that particular irl risk doesnt exist y’dig, but it is likely that if it ever came up it would be part of a grander, very likely and very canon, aspect of Saber Gilles Hates Himself And Everything He Does

this is!! not to say!! like “wow anon bad ask dont send me things gosh” because 1. i love people sending me things esp about my less frequently appearing muses bc i just assume any time gilles shows up on this blog it’s against all of my followers’ will 2. i will never turn down the chance to talk about anything with anyone wrt my muses even if its a subject im not planning on using 3. you make a very valid point so like u ARE right

so dont think its me saying something like that okay QAQ i love to see an ask i love to see other peoples thoughts

[figofswords]

Hi! I'm very sorry about this pretty personal ask, but at this point I don't really know who to ask.. It's actually about orientation and labels, if you don't want to reply, please don't feel pressured to do so! It will also be a bit long so I will probably send a few asks...So, I go by she/they and in my teens I've always claimed to be ace bc I really couldn't picture myself with a guy. At some point I realized I liked girls so I was like well neat, I guess I’m bi then since (...)

Hey, so first of all I just want to say I totally get you and that we’ve all been there. Figuring out your identity is CONFUSING. I do have a couple thoughts I can offer but I want to preface this by saying ultimately you’re the only one who can decide what label to use if you use one at all. I can’t tell you what you feel and I’m only one person’s opinion but I am a lesbian so I can offer some advice based on my own history of figuring out who I was and maybe that’ll help. This got kind of long so the rest will be under the cut.

I first started to realize I was attracted to women when I was 14 or 15. When I was 16, I came out as bisexual, male-leaning. But the idea of sex freaked me out, so I tentatively decided I was biromantic and asexual. Then I realized it was specifically the idea of sex with MEN that freaked me out, so I identified as bisexual, female-leaning. Then, around senior year, I realized I might not like men at all but I wasn’t sure, and, like you, I didn’t want to “appropriate” the term lesbian in case I was wrong, so I identified as queer. Then I went to college and actually interacted with more men. I didn’t want to date one. I wasn’t remotely attracted to them. And finally I landed on lesbian (although full disclosure? I’m not all figured out! I think I could be demisexual, but I don’t know, and that’s not even to MENTION my dance with my gender identity. But that’s OKAY! I don’t know everything about myself, and that’s alright).

The point of all that was to say that this isn’t at all uncommon! Most of my irl friends are also lesbians, and all of them struggled to figure out that that was the right label for them. Several of them are STILL hesitant to identify, because, as I said before, sexuality is confusing! I do think lesbians have a particularly hard time of it though because of this fun little thing called comphet.

I don’t know if you know what comphet is so I’ll explain it because it is REALLY common with lesbians. It can be experienced by other sexualities too, of course, but it seems to be a near-universal lesbian experience. Comphet is shorthand for “compulsory heterosexuality” and it explains those “crushes�� many lesbians have on boys growing up that make it really hard to realize we’re lesbians. Basically what it is is that We Live In A Society and that society is a patriarchy with rigid gender roles and part of that is women are often defined by their attraction to men. When you grow up in a society that says you should be romantically and sexually interested in men (in every kind of media, in day-to-day interactions, in familial expectations that you will one day have a husband and children) you start to assume every positive feeling you have about men MUST be attraction. However, a key thing about these so-called crushes is that they are, as a rule, “safe”. If your only crushes on men are on fictional men, celebrity men, or men who are otherwise unachievable, is that really attraction? And if you have a “crush” on someone you actually know, how would you feel if you found out he liked you back? If he asked you out? Does that make you happy or does it fill you with dread or confusion? And if you find out a boy has a crush on YOU, does THAT make you feel happy? Or does it make you want to avoid him at all costs, just in case he MIGHT ask you out?

I can’t say for sure whether or not what you’re experiencing is comphet, but I can tell you that it’s really common and what you’re describing SOUNDS a lot like my own experiences with comphet. It’s hard to puzzle out at first but if you think about details of how you’re feeling like this you’ll get it eventually. 

Lastly I do want to address the whole “appropriating the label” thing. This is a really, really common fear. We’ve all been there. Ultimately what I have to tell you is that if you think you MIGHT want to identify with a label but you aren’t sure? Just go for it. Just do it. Try it on for a while, like a new pair of shoes. Break it in. If you decide it doesn’t fit, great! Take it off, try a new one. I promise you no one is going to attack you for it. You’re not appropriating the community or the label, and if you end up not being a lesbian? Fine! You were wrong, and that’s okay. 

That said, you don’t NEED to have a label for yourself. You’ve probably heard this before but I PROMISE you it isn’t necessary. Now, I do understand that having a label is comforting. I’ve been there, too. If you’re REALLY not sure, and you don’t want to pick something in case you’re wrong, but you still want to be able to call yourself something? This is kind of a touchy subject in the community (particularly the younger, online community; not so much in older generations of LGBTQ+ people or just,,,,irl communities in general)  so you may or may not be comfortable with it but queer is a really, really great label for if you aren’t sure or if your identity is just too complicated to have to explain all the time. I still personally identify as queer as part of my lesbian-ness because it attaches me to the larger community and history of LGBTQ+ people, but I used it as my main label when I was in the weird spot pre-college where I was pretty sure I wasn’t bi but I was scared to say I was lesbian and at the time it was REALLY helpful. If you’re not comfortable with it, though, that’s fine too! Just an alternate suggestion.

This got long-winded but basically yeah! You’re not alone, we’ve all been where you’re at, and I promise you you’ll figure it out eventually. In the meantime, just try to settle with either a) no label (just accept that you don’t know and take things as they come! if you’re attracted to someone, great! in the meantime, hypotheticals will drive you insane) or b) pick a label and try it on for a while to see if it fits. 

You could be bisexual with a lean in a particular direction. You could be a lesbian. You could be something else. I can’t say for sure. I will say what you’re describing sounds a lot like what I’ve heard from a lot of other lesbians so you may want to try id-ing as lesbian for a while to see if it feels right? Again, you’re the only one who can decide this for sure and you’re the only one who knows how you feel, but ultimately settling with either “no label, maybe one day i’ll figure it out but right now I don’t know and that’s okay” or “i am picking this label even though I’m not sure because if I’m wrong it’s not the end of the world” is going to be really helpful for you. Floundering around being confused about who you are is no fun, so just let yourself off the hook a little!

Again, you’re not alone in this. I hope this was at all helpful, and I’m touched you trusted me enough to reach out to me with this. I wish you the best of luck and I promise it’ll be okay and you’ll get there eventually.