#bc everybody was smarter then me and asked for today off bc tomorrow in a national holiday

[i-will-write]

Guess who posted a new wip instead of working on literally anything else? That's right: me!

[taylornock]

how cell phones made our lives better while simultaneously ruining them

hi fam!! it’s me, again. are you tired of hearing from me? me too. that’s why I’m here to rant about social media / phone / technology. bc i hate it… but in a loving way???

everyone remembers when they got their first iPhone. seriously. why is that such a monumental moment in our lives? i can hardly remember what i felt like freshman year of high school but can pinpoint the feeling of sheer glee unwrapping my iPhone 6 in eighth grade. i have this thing that is attached to me 24/7 - when I go anywhere (even downstairs) without my phone i feel weird. that is f***ing SAD! PATHETIC. i hate feeling that dependent on what is essentially a pocket robot.

for what it’s worth - phones have done INCREDIBLE things for the world as we know it. for example, this quarantine shit has been testing all of us; and our phones are helping us get through it in so many ways. our phones let us see the faces of those loved ones we are missing, our phones provide us with stupid tik tok content to keep everything light hearted, and our phones let us check in on each other. all amazing things! when we are at school, we have instant access to our lives at home . being able to call my mom whenever i want is something i definitely abuse. “mom, I’m on my way home from Thompson right now and i think i have a brain aneurysm but my bio final is at 11am tomorrow will i make it” … an actual conversation i had with my mom at the end of freshman year. needless to say i was medicated shortly after THAT meltdown. I am such a brat that i don’t know what i would do if i couldn’t text my dad and have him immediately get me the password again to our Uverse account…… god forbid i miss an episode of the bachelor. i have this phone, and that’s what i do with it? abuse its powers to ask my parents for medical advice or a password i forgot? have we lost sight of everything here?

throughout life and especially throughout quarantine… my phone is the definition of a possession that is a blessing and a curse. I’m so grateful to have the ability to bother my friends - whenever i want! the options are endless! i love keeping in touch with people i thought id never hear from again, and being able to talk to so many people in my life and make my heart swell. now, when a conversation with someone other than my two roommates (shoutout parents) is so rare ⎯ that phone is my weapon and i use it to help flatten the curve: flatten the curve of covid19 and flatten the curve of my mental illness 🙃 [humor is a coping mechanism okay let me live] but like, i KNOW i’m not the only one that looks at my screen time and immediately wants to die. how can i honestly be looking at my phone for that long? picking it up THAT many times?????? my phone is the best distraction and also the most toxic - it makes me feel better but has a tendency to bring up all my issues and blast them into the reflection of my blue light glasses...... its called fashion look it up.

to give some examples - let’s open up my most used app: snapchat. I go on snapchat with the best of intentions - to see a memory from a year ago that makes me smile. to respond to my friends and see what their mood today is based on the look on their face. to creep on snap stories and see what everyone’s cooking and doing with their lives. somehow, tho, after spending a few minutes on the app.. i end up with a pit in my stomach most of the time. the person i want to respond hasn’t responded in 4 hours. oh god lets overthink this- they don’t like me anymore and are no longer interested in speaking to me and only respond every once in a while out of pity or because they are uncomfortable. everyone hates you. oh and GOD FORBID someone leaves me on open??! I am not funny nor interesting nor worth a reply - suddenly, i have equated my value to receiving or not receiving a photo of someone’s blank stare. this is extreme, and this is dramatic. but trust me —— this is the hamster wheel always turning in my head. I’m not even going to touch on snap maps; that feature is pandoras box and someone better fucking shut it.

second most used app is instagram. i scroll for hours, i have time limits set for the app acting like i’m actually going to listen to them and get off. lmaooooooooo. i love looking at aesthetic stuff and dogs and food and recipes and my friends’ beautiful faces. but you know what i don’t like? constant nudges to compare myself to others. oh look at her having a party with all of her friends even though we aren’t supposed to be. am i a loser for trying to be safe? oh look at her washboard abs, i’m never going to look like that and will never live up to the standard of beauty society has set for me. look at all of these people in their happy relationships. why can’t i have that? it goes over and over and over. its not like i sit there and think of these things just like that, its a precedent in my mind when i stare at everybody else that i am going to size my own life up against theirs. for years i followed every single elite model / VS angel on instagram to motivate me to do better - to start being psycho about what i did to my body so i could be as gorgeous as them. what kind of fucked up mindset is that? i would literally watch their footage of them eating rice and vegetables once a day and try to copy it. i would watch their runway walks obsessively trying to recreate them in heels alone in my house - like that was all i could imagine doing with my life. did i ever stop for a second to look at that photoshoot of gigi hadid and wonder if she was happy? wonder if the constant pictures she saw of herself ever made her insecure? what was i doing? the day i unfollowed those girls was a monumental day in my journey to a better self image. i didn’t realize the people i thought were my “motivators” were actually my triggers. i have grown to a point in life now that i would much rather eat a stack of chocolate chip pancakes that make me dance in my chair like an infant than practice my runway walk and shame my body in the mirror. and i am so freakin happy! 

i could go app by app for hours. but moving on to the next thing i hate about cell phones - how they have destroyed our biological methods of communication. you hear about those psychos who think the world is destroyed by technology and we are going to be overrun by robots. but hey, I’m with the psychos on this one. i have this amazing friend, Trevor Wright, who without fail at EVERY dinner announces “phones off friends on” and collects our phones into the center of the table. yes, we are 20 year old adults. yes, we hand our phones over to Trevor and let him yell at us for trying to see if ~that person~ snap chatted us back. i have so much respect for him because of this. there is nothing worse than staring at your phones when you could be having a good conversation about life, about love, about laughter + memories, about “do you think hellen keller is real?” anything, bro, anything. anything but snapchat messaging your hoe of the week or mindlessly playing tetris to twiddle your thumbs. we all need to start loving a little harder, and the first step to doing that is to communicate better. communicate smarter. I’m guilty of alllll of the above, don’t get me wrong. and I am ADD asf and constantly playing mindless games just to stimulate my brain. but i need to stop that! even writing this is taking some time away from the dumb shit on my phone - and encouraging me to communicate how i     r e a l l y   feel to my homies that will read this. communication - especially body language - is fascinating. I’ve studied it in  psych, I’ve learned the neurological bases of behavior and why we do what we do. I’ve learned how much our life experience impacts who we are as a whole...and it! is! fascinating! i also think that’s why i love film so much. because it can capture the raw moments of your friends just being your friends, of you just being the person you are, and the world around you just existing as it exists. i love the raw moments; and not just because indy blue posted one youtube video of her slow mo laughing and now thats the only footage i find myself shooting. 😚

im not quite sure what this post is, lol. but - just a rant on technology. so listen to me:

take advantage of technology + social media! it CAN BE GREAT. for so many reasons. but, don’t let technology + social media TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOU. stay true to you - know how to communicate with yourself and your loved ones without the use of a robot. remember that feeling when you setup up your first iPhone? imagine if you could feel that again, with your phone nowhere in sight. if you don’t know how to communicate with yourself yet, start by journaling. WRITE! TYPE! SPEAK! do what you want. getting your thoughts down even without an audience is so crucial to understanding yourself and others. if you don’t like to write, reflect. breathe. meditate. make art. do what makes you feel at peace, and do whatever makes you feel like the world makes a little bit more sense than it does. 

IF YOU ARE READING DOWN TO HERE, I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU, SAY IT BACK! LIFE IS A FUCKING HIGHWAY. AND IM SO GLAD YOU’RE ON MY INTERSTATE. <3

xoxoxoxo

gossip girl

[cometkins]

nano 2017 chapter 1

here now for you to enjoy in its raw and unedited state bc why not. the whole thing is going ot be sort of an alternate timeline, slice of life, nothing REALLY bad ever happens kind of thing that’s meant to just be sort of feel good and stuff. not gonna spend too much time on them getting together to start so it’ll pick up and be cute and fluffy p fast

The forest is warm with summer’s heat, golden light filtering through the bright green leaves that formed the canopy. The birds sing their songs, chipper and bright, and they echo through the trees.

Theo moves slowly, bare feet hardly making a sound as he moves across the underbrush. He avoids the twigs and dead leaves, following the tracks of a rabbit into a clearing. It hides among the tall grasses and stray saplings, and Theo pauses in his tracks, bronze, freckled hand resting on his bow. He gently moves a dark lock of hair out of the way of his eyes, the same leafy green as his surroundings, and he lets out a quiet breath.

His prey is still, and he’s equally frozen, his long elven ears twitching as he listens to everything around him. He finally dares to draw his bow, arrow aimed at the tiny beast. He holds his breath, lining his shot up carefully before he lets his arrow loose, striking the creature in the side. It lets out a final scream before it goes still, and Theo sighs in relief before putting his bow back over his shoulders.

It’s a very large rabbit, very much an adult, and Theo is relieved. Young rabbits were easy prey, but it always affected the future population if too many of them got picked off. Theo pulls his arrow out of the rabbit and cleans it off with a rag before he sets about gathering his kill together. He rubs his thumb against the bleeding wound in its body, running the crimson across the back of his hand and whispering a brief prayer for his meal. He thanks his goddess and the rabbit before he strings it up and begins making his way back to camp.

Thankfully he didn’t have to go far to track his dinner, and the many tents of his clan’s camp quickly came back into view. He can smell wood burning for everybody’s dinner fires, the scent of stews and baking fish wafting through the air behind him. He finds his family’s home yurt, pushing aside the intricately carved door and stepping inside.

Theo’s fathers didn’t appear to be home, but his, Do’lla mother is tending to various ingredients on the dining table, and she turns to look at him as he comes inside. Her face is slender like her son’s, with equally dark hair and bright green eyes. Her gaze falls down to the game in her son’s hand.

“Mama, I caught a rabbit for dinner! I tried to chase down a deer but it got spooked and ran away… But this is good, right?”, and Theo holds up his catch with pride.

Do’lla grins back at him warmly, standing up to examine the catch and take the rabbit from her son.

“It’s certainly a good size, this should be enough for dinner tonight. Your fathers are out fishing, it will likely be trout for the next couple of days. Hopefully there will be enough leftover to dry as well!”

Theo makes a mock gagging sound in response, nose wrinkling and shaking his head before saying, “Trout is so gross! Couldn’t you make deer jerky or something instead?”

His mother laughs at him, making Theo frown again, and she pats his head gently and shakes her own.

“You are young, you’ll acquire a taste for fish soon enough. It’s good for you and it’s plentiful, and easier to lure than rabbits.”

Theo responds by tapping his foot and pouting before grumbling out, “I’m 20 years old, I’m not a babe. It’ll still be gross even when I’m 200!”

“Not a babe, but not an adult for 80 more years, my dear son. Your palette will mature and you’ll be begging for trout soon enough.”

Theo makes another gagging noise at that before going to set his bow on his bed, removing his heavy green cloak and stretching his arms above his head.

“I’ll just hunt my own food and then I’ll never have to eat fish again. I’m already better with a bow than anybody else my age!” Theo says before laying out across his bed lazily.

“Of course, my son. No doubt thanks to the training your Baba has put you through! Now help me peel and chop the garlic and onions for dinner,” Do’lla says, unceremoniously dumping said vegetables onto Theo’s stomach.

Theo grunts and gathers them up before sitting at the dining table and carefully preparing everything, stone knife in hand. He wipes at his eyes constantly while cutting the onions, groaning once they were set aside in a wooden bowl.

“Ugh, onions taste good but they suck to prepare- Can we make carrots too? I really like the honey ones.”

“If you get everything ready I’ll even show you how to make them yourself. For how often you want them, I think that will be easier.”

Theo grins wide and bright and is deeply entranced in his mother’s teachings by the time his fathers come home, a good number of trout set aside in a woven basket. Theo perks up when they come through the door, and he breaks from his mother for a moment to run up and hug them both.

“Baba! Papa! Mama is teaching me how to make honey carrots- and I caught a rabbit today, Mama’s making it for dinner!”

The two elven men laugh lightly, both ruffling Theo’s hair before separating. One of them, Hel’arth  slender with long, silky dark hair sets the basket of trout on the table; the other, Shiki, slightly stockier with a dusty blonde mess on his head, sets their fishing spears aside with their other tools.

Hel’arth approaches the cooking fire, examining the rabbit roasting on a flat stone.

“This is very impressive, Theo. How many arrows did you need before you caught it?”

“Just one, Baba! I have the best aim in the clan you know,” and Theo closes one eye and points between his father’s eyes, mimicking his bow-firing posture, “Lessons are supposed to start tomorrow with the elders, but I’m already gonna be better than everybody!”

Theo’s other father, Shiki, speaks up then, running a hand back through his dusty blonde hair, “Now Theo, don’t be cocky. You are skilled, but the elders will have things to teach you that you don’t know yet! You still don’t know how to set a proper rabbit trap, for one matter, you silly boy.”

Theo just purses his lip and crosses his arms, squinting at his Papa before saying, “I don’t need to know how to set traps if I can shoot them. Traps are too slow!”

“They’re slow, but they can be left behind so you can focus on other things. Like your chores!”

Shiki comes closer, gently rubbing his knuckles against his son’s head, making him groan and smack at his hands in protest before shoving away from him.

“I did all of them! Mama didn’t even let me leave until I finished cleaning all the bowls!”

Shiki turns his head to look at Do’lla, one eyebrow raised before asking, “Is this true? Has our troublemaking son actually been cooperative today?”

“I was,” Theo begins to protest, before Hel’arth places a finger to his lips to shush him, giving him a playful smile.

“He was. By the Goddess’ blessing, no doubt. He’s even been good about helping make dinner, as you can see,” Do’lla replies.

Shiki hums in response, seeming satisfied with his wife’s response, finally stepping toward the cooking fire to examine the rabbit as well.

“It does smell wonderful- and I think the honey carrots were a nice choice as well. Our supplies are a bit low now though; after your lessons tomorrow Theo, you’ll need to help your Mama forage for more things. If you want to keep eating our carrots, you’ll have to dig them up yourself.”

Theo huffs at that before nodding and saying, “Fine. I want to look mushrooms and strawberries too anyway.”

Dinner is finished quickly after Shiki and Hel’arth drop off their things and settle in, and they eat in relatively comfortable silence as they resume discussing plans for tomorrow. Theo has to be up early for his clan hunting lessons, and he’s excited to see his friends and show off his skills. He prepares his lunch for the day, consisting of leftover rabbit, carrots, berries, and acorn bread. His mother had just taught him how to make acorn flour, and he’d been excited to make the bread himself, as well as a few other loaves for his friends; he could only hope they’d like it.

It’s barely dawn when Theo makes himself get up for his lessons, putting on his cloak, gathering his lunch and his bow, and heading out to the nearby valley where they are being held. It’s a fairly cold morning for summer, and Theo can see his breath in front of him, dissipating quickly. The orange and pink morning light begins to flood the sky as he arrives early, spotting only a few of his friends.

He first spots Xildi as she attempts to string her bow, wisps of brown hair moving with the gentle morning breeze. Then there is Erris, a handsome, lithe boy who seems to be standing off to the side and teasing Xildi. He knows most of the other kids who’ve shown up so far, but Xildi and Erris are by far his closest friends. Theo calls out to them, waving his arms to get their attention, making them look up. Xildi grins and waves back, and Erris throws up his middle finger at him. Theo returns the gesture with a grin of his own.

“I’m surprised you bothered to wake up today Erris, considering I’m going to be besting you all day!” Theo says, keeping his voice loud so the others can hear, much to Erris’ dismay.

Erris replies with, “You wish you could, Theo! I’m a much faster learner, and I pay more attention! You don’t have the focus for the bow.”

Xildi cuts in then and says, “Theo’s much smarter than you Erris, and way stronger. Plus he doesn’t have the same twig figure that you do.”

Theo snickers at that, and Erris glares at Xildi and blushes furiously.

Other elves approach their group after that, saying hello and discussing what the day could entail, comparing lunches, and making plans to hang out during their break. They find spots on the grass to sit while the other kids file in, Theo pulling up clovers to snack on with Xildi and Erris, their sweet leaves a relief from how exhausted they were feeling.

Xildi breaks the silence then, nudging Theo before asking, “Hey, have you got a crush on anybody? You’re so popular, you could have anybody you want.”

Theo immediately chokes on his clovers, pounding his chest with a fist, taken aback by the sudden and awkward question.

Erris just snickers and shoves at Xildi before saying, “You just want it to be you! There’s way prettier girls anyway. Theo’s an idiot, but he doesn’t have bad taste.”

Xildi immediately punches Erris in the arm, and he cries out in pain and whines to Theo for help, who promptly ignores him.

Theo clears his throat and glances around at the other children that have arrived, trying to spot any that appealed to him. He’d never found girls that interesting, at least not romantically. They were pretty, very smart, and usually smelled a bit nicer than the other boys he knew, but that was the extent of his feelings about them. The other boys he knew were usually idiots, roughhousing constantly and spending way too much time doing dumb things to impress the girls. They were very handsome, that much was certain, but none of the boys he knew were very appealing. He adored his friends, truly, but none of them struck a romantic chord.

Theo is no fool, however; he knew how popular he was. From Xildi’s crush, to Erris’, and to any number of other people. They commented on his freckles constantly, calling them ‘unique’ and ‘cute’. Neither his biological father nor his mother had them, so it was a mystery where they came from, really. Regardless, it felt like that was the only reason people were attracted to him sometimes, and they made him feel uncomfortable.

Theo sighs as both his friends continue bickering, smiling and shaking his head. Maybe one day he’d grow close to somebody.

Everybody seemed to have set up for the day, and the Elder who would be teaching their lessons had arrived, standing in front of the group. Theo has to crane his neck to the left to see her properly, and he curses himself for not sitting in the center of everything. Everybody goes silent as she holds a hand up, smiling before she speaks.

“Good morning, children. I am Elder Teysa, and I will be teaching you how to hunt, forage, and trap expertly, so you may provide for your families and yourselves. We will have lunch at midday for one hour, and you are free to wander during that time. Please be silent and pay attention to the lessons, even if you don’t think you need it.”

Teysa glances directly at Theo as she says this, and Theo gives her a sheepish grin before saying, “I never misbehave and always pay attention, Elder Teysa, I have no idea what you’re implying.”

Teysa simply scoffs and rolls her eyes before continuing on with their lessons, starting by showing everybody how to string a bow, and having them each try with their own. Theo manages to string his in under 10 minutes, deft hands working with the waxy fibers expertly. Most of the other students take a bit longer, and Theo has to lean over to help Erris with his string several times before he understands completely.

“I told you Theo was smarter than you, Erris,” Xildi jabs, making Erris growl in frustration and Theo laugh lightly.

Once that was finished, they were taught how to assemble arrows, the right type of stone to use for tips, the best feathers, and the best wood. Theo hadn’t made many of his own arrows before, but his Baba Hel’arth had showed him, and he was the proud owner of three arrows of his own make. He’s slower at this part of the lesson than stringing, but he still assembles five acceptable arrows before most everybody else.

Theo takes this time to glance at the other children again, seeing who was struggling and who was doing better. He recognizes many of the faces he sees, but then once face makes him pause.

This boy is sitting towards the back of the crowd, struggling with his arrows. Theo can spot him so easily amongst the others simple because of how tall he is; much taller than any other elf he’s seen before. His shoulders are broad, and his face is much rounder, more filled out than the typical slender faces of elves. His hair is also much wilder than he’s used to seeing, dark brown curls rising from his head like tree roots, nearly masking his deep, black eyes, focused on the task at hand. His skin is deep and bronzey like Theo’s own, and his hands are large and boney. Theo feels himself inhale for breath and hold it in his chest, eyes going wide and lips parting in utter awe.

He’s the most beautiful boy he’s ever seen, and Theo can’t look away. He’s never seen somebody so uniquely handsome, so big and broad, so different. Theo can’t tear his eyes away, wishing he could fight this dumbstruck feeling long enough to go and help this boy with his arrows. He cheers him on from within, willing him to finish this part of the lesson with ease, and eventually this mysterious boy seems to get it right and finishes quickly. Theo can’t help but grin, and it’s at this point the boy turns his gaze toward him.

Theo feels his heart swell when those gorgeous black eyes meet his own, and he giggles quietly, waving with his fingers at this boy. The boy immediately blushes and gapes, glancing around at the other children before looking back at Theo and pointing at himself, as if in disbelief. Theo nods, grinning wider, cheeks growing hot as he covers his mouth with a hand bashfully, giggling again.

“Theo!” he hears Elder Teysa shout.

Theo looks up then, expression falling slightly as he sees Teysa standing before him.

“Is something funny, Theo? Do you find these important, vital lessons so boring that you have to distract the other students while they work?”

Theo has no idea what comes over him as the words fall from his mouth, but he’s in such a good mood that nothing the Elder could do to him would affect him.

“Absolutely, Elder. I love distracting others.”

Theo hears Xildi and Erris gasp next to him, and a hush forms throughout the crowd of students as Teysa stares Theo down, veins popping on her forehead. Theo maintains his serene smile, not daring to look at the handsome boy across the way, for fear of the Elder punishing him too.

Teysa grabs Theo by the wrist and hauls him upward, dragging him to the front of the crowd and pulling out a willow branch.

“Hold out your hands, boy. Ten lashes, and I want you to count.”

Theo sighs in annoyance before he holds his wrists out, looking as disinterested as possible. If he was already playing the part of troublemaker today, he may as well go all out.

The first lash comes across his wrists, and he bites the inside of his cheek to keep from making a sound or showing signs of pain. He counts off each one, and his wrists are red and open by the time the Elder is finished with him, shoving him back towards his spot in the grass. Theo goes back to his seat without a word, but he does glance for that handsome boy, grinning when he spots him again. The boy gapes at him again, and Theo can’t help but wink at him before taking his seat again.

Theo makes a point of trying to behave from there on, but he does continually glance the handsome boy’s way, sometimes catching him staring back. Theo just smiles each time, cheeks growing warm.

Their lunch hour is close to approaching, sun rising higher and higher in the sky, and Erris nudges him eventually.

“Hey, Theo.. what was that about earlier? Whose attention were you trying to get? Was it a cute girl?”

Theo perks up and looks at Erris, avoiding his direct gaze before replying, “Uh, I dunno, just somebody I thought I knew, nothing important.”

Xildi smacks him on the shoulder in response, and Theo just glares back at her.

“Don’t lie, Theo. Who was it?”

Theo swallows thickly and glances back at the boy, working on his bow posture for the moment.

Xildi and Erris both turn their gazes towards the boy, and both makes sounds of disgust.

Xildi speaks first, “Ugh, him? Shouri, really? His hair is a mess and his face is so fat!”

Erris follows with, “Shour-Shour’s like a hill giant. He doesn’t even have a father either, he doesn’t know how to do anything. Be careful or he’ll step on you!”

Xildi and Erris both laugh and point at the boy, Shouri, who takes an immediate notice, expression falling and posture sinking. He looks away from them, meeting Theo’s gaze for a brief moment, nothing but pain behind his eyes.

Theo immediately whips around and glares at the both of them, anger bubbling in his stomach.

“Have you always been this cruel? How can you say shit like that?”

Theo clenches his fists, tightening around his bow, pulling at the marred skin of his wrists and making him wince. This was the most gorgeous boy he’d ever seen, high and above anybody else in their clan, and he couldn’t stand to hear these awful things.

Xildi just clucks her tongue and shakes her head before replying, “Geez Theo, if I’d known you had such bad taste I would have made myself look like a bog hag much sooner.”

“No kidding,” Erris says, “Shour-Shour is so gross, I don’t know what you see in him Theo.”

Theo huffs in anger, throwing his bow on the ground in a fit of unbridled anger.

“He’s handsome, and unique, and tall, and strong, and who cares if he doesn’t have a father? I have two and nobody pitches a fit!”

Erris rolls his eyes and Xildi just shakes her head before saying, “You don’t even know him. When you talk to him you’ll understand how much of an idiot he is and how unbearable he is. Even worse than Erris.”

“Hey-!”

Theo just picks up his bow and walks away from the two of them, Elder Teysa thankfully calling for their lunch hour. Theo gathers his lunch pack and seeks out Shouri, who seems to be fumbling with his things nervously as Theo approaches. Theo feels his heart rate slow as he approaches Shouri, anger dissipating as he can’t help but smile at this cute boy again.

“Hey… You’re Shouri, right? I’m Theo.”

Shouri looks up at him with fear in his eyes before he stands, clutching his bow and his lunch to his chest and swallowing thickly.

“Y-Yeah, I’m Shouri… What do you want?”

His tone is short, and Theo feels his stomach drop, but he persists nonetheless.

“W-Well, um… You’re… really cute. Like, really cute, and handsome, and I… do you wanna have lunch together?”

Theo tries to punctuate his words with a bright tone and a grin, eyes wide and full of hope.

Shouri swallows again before he turns and starts walking away from Theo, pausing only briefly to say:

“No.”