#bc as we talked before- our laptops wont stay on unless charged right??.

[billysgirllol]

lucy gray really thought she was happy again these days, since she had been holding a grudge towards billy the day she left that hotel once the roads were finally clear after being stuck with him in a snowstorm– all the way until recently. when she found river, a familiar but unfamiliar face. up until he came to distract her mind and heart forever holding on to billy bonney, someone who changed, and quit listening to her. who decided he was right and easily gave up on her, essentially abandoned her again when he made no effort to understand why he makes her feel so bad. being around river especially made her grow fond of him when she realized... he did listen. he made her feel like she was being seen and heard, unlike the entirety of the issue with billy. he didn't make her feel like she was crazy, when moments stirred similar to arguments with billy but instead he turned them around with jokes and laughs and 'come on, north carolina. tell me what's wrong? i'm all ears, all nostrils, all toenails.'

it was impossible to have any room for any flared anger when he said things like that. she lost all anger, laughed and then easily fell into an explanation of why she was upset because he wanted to listen and they'd sit out on the swings in her yard until dark talking about it. admitting their flaws to each other and owning up to them. he was smart about horses, loved hearing her sing, loved the farm as much as she did...all of it made her heart on fire again while subconsciously ignoring the bad parts to him. just like the hard laughter sounding from her now as they're playing by the lake, squeaking and clawing at his big arms enveloped around her. her short legs lifted off the ground, kicking them in the air, "oh, come on, lucy bird. if you think i won't toss your lil butt right in that water, y'got another thing comin'." river playfully threatens, "i ain't DOUBTIN' you. but i still am firm on my word. i'm the better singer." she's playfully teasing, laughing like there was no tomorrow after they got in this big jokingly debate how he's a terrible singer after she started singing teardrops on my guitar by t.aylor s.wift out of boredom on their walk here from joe's birthday party and he chimed in, purposely like a dying cat.

she loved how small things like that could turn into these funny arguments. laughing because it was the first time she felt happy in years as he picked up his cowboy hat that she knocked off his head purposely, he bent down momentarily while still hanging on to her to pick it up then locked his grip on her again before placing his hat on top of her had. laughing because billy bonney was miles and miles away like he always had been, every year, so devastatingly on his little brother's birthday and all the other important days– so it wasn't like there was any reason in mind to restrain her happiness and a need to keep quiet. the first part of her life was with billy, but the next chapter was with river. she finally had came to terms with it as she grinned and proudly kept his hat on while still giggling and trying to get away. "i'm the better singer," she played, "and i'm just as much from tennessee as YOU are. i was just born in north carolina, how many times do i have to tell you that darlin'?" she brings it up because she knows he's always up for the state debate. "oh, no. you're definitely not..." and there he goes, hilariously like she predicted, "you're north carolina for a reason, north carolina. cause you're a traitor and decided to be born there." the blond teased her, always persistent in playfully aggravating her about this since the second he found out she wasn't technically born a tennessean and he knew lucy gray actually loved it every time.

healing from the virginia trip, as he now refers to it, as though it was some sort of tragic, historical event, proves to be a painfully slow and difficult process for billy. he doesn’t want to agree that time heals all wounds because it seems that there will always be a lucy-gray-shaped crater in the place where his heart used to be. however, as the days go by, the snow melts and the grass becomes green again, he stumbles upon the realization that closure won’t come from analyzing the past. all he can do right now is learn how to accept the fact that sometimes even the most meaningful relationships don’t work out. he tells himself that they became buddies because they both needed someone to lean on at the time, remained friends out of convenience and habit even as they began to drift apart in high school, tried to give love a chance but… maybe they were never meant to be. maybe she just needed someone to give her that sense of security that she never had as a little girl. a man who’d take care of her. maybe they were the definition of right person, wrong time? not that any of it matters now…

instead of falling back on alcohol, cigarettes and parties with girls to get him through this life without lucy gray, billy focuses on the only thing that he’s still got left and can control — his acting career. he’s always been an ambitious person and so he throws himself into work, relying on routine and structure to keep himself from losing what little sanity he’s still got left. it pays off in the end. and gradually, he even begins to come out of his shell and open up to his flatmate, charlie, and charlie’s girlfriend, manuela, sharing bits of his heartache and finding comfort in their support, and the virginia trip becomes a distant memory. lucy gray still haunts him from time to time, of course — she’s almost everywhere he turns. but he’s come to accept the fact that the ghost of her will always be a part of his life. what he can do is distance himself from everything that he felt when he was with her, the vulnerability and pure, unbridled love, the instability and unpredictability and excitement of it all. he flips his life upside down and becomes a new man. (or so he tells himself)

by the time it’s been five years since billy last saw lucy gray, he finally feels like he’s got his life all figured out — he graduated from juilliard, landed his first serious role in a TV show, rebel of the west, bought an apartment in manhattan, and gained that stability that he’d never had as a child. the only regret that he has is that he hasn’t really stayed in touch with his younger brother over the years, but there’s no way that he’s missing his 16th birthday. even though he wasn’t there for his 15th or 14th or 13th birthday and didn’t see a problem with that at the time. he wants to reconcile with joe and back to tennessee for the weekend, buys him a splendid gift but… joe doesn’t really wait for him with open arms. he slips out of the barn, in which the party’s raging on, to breathe some fresh air, his heart feeling oddly heavy… and doubts anyone will notice his absence, or care for it. 

[mirkwood-trash]

i just,, need 2 vent,,, so,,,

its the last fuckin week of classes so im like hella swamped with work and im pretty sure ive jjust been having a 3 day long breakdown which isnt going to stop until the semester is over.... i still have to finish my glass project, finish the cape to go along with it (why the fuck did i thin k that was a good idea, its too late, i spent 60 dollars on that god damn fabric im gonna fucking use it or ill regret it for the rest of my life) and i still have an essay to write for my honors class, my figure drawing project which ive barely started, i need to get my last digital imaging projected printed (which is gonna cost me another fuckin 50 dollars ahahahah) , also have to finish the final “fun assignment” for that class which i am NOT MAKING FU N FOR MYSELF BC IM A FUCKING IDIOT WHO HAS TO GO BIG OR GO HOME AND I WONT BE SATISFIED UNLESS I FUCKIN SLAVE OVER AN ASSIGNMENT FOR 10 FUCKING HOURS..... and on top of that i still have to sort out some shit with the honors college cos they have this bullshit “great ideas” assignment where you have to go to one of their events and write a fucking paper on it... i literally have not had time for one (1) of their events this entire fucking semester !!!!! We haven’t even GOTTEN our take home exam for my honors class so thatll be a fucking blast im sure, and also ive got an art history paper due tomorrow..... ive been busy as fuck just today.... had to go in early to work on my glass project, which meant i was basically in class from 1030 am to 8 pm besides a short lunch break and an hour hanging out at my friends dorm ??? then i had to go charge the glass furnace at 8 and basically just was like “okay i need to stay here or else i wont come back” bc i had another charge to do at 11... which didnt even happen till 12 !!!!!!!!!! so id been working on my essay from like 830-10 but then my laptop fucking died soo that was wonderful... i started shaking this morning and still haven’t really stopped and ive been sweatign so much, i had a panic attack before lunch and again during my digital imaging class, and im pretty sure i now have a migraine , i cant even fucking look at anything without my sunglasses and i feel so nauseous and feverish and i really just want to fucking die but i have to finish this essay which i have no excuse not to finish besides my shitty time management skills , and i really need to finish it ssoon but i cant fucking focus on ANYTHING ive been a literal embodiment of anxiety today and have been frantically hopping from project to project and have barely been getting anything done, i couldnt even fucking draw what iw anted to draw in my last class..... like it was for the fun assignment which really would be super fun if i wasnt so fucked rn but i just,,??? kept putting my fucking tablet pe n down and picking it up, id color like an inch of space, then put it back down and i m just so fucking frustrated ?????????? really , maybe i should just go to bed right now and wake up at 7, hopefully my headache will be gone and i can actually focus but i know thats the fuckin devil talking i kno but also im just so fucking exhausted........................