#bc as i said im a loser who is still improving

[beevean]

Man its just that the average nfcv fan vision of the belmonts is a human centipede. You grab the og belmonts, you kno the good hearted almost superhuman warriors who fought and killed Dracula time and time again, let nfcv turn them into regular vampire hunters that are framed as morally gray bc "muh poor vampires :(", and who are cynical jerks that don't do much of anything. And then you let the fandom bully them into the ground bc haha loser men and muh girlbosses.

And its kinda weird bc its also often making fun of them due to their traumas? Like yea maybe alcoholism due to losing your entire family at a young age isnt a joke you know. Or seeing your mother get killed in front of you as a child. Yes ofc you can make fun of dark stuff i'd be lynched as a hypocrite if i said you cant, but the way its done and how continuous it is... irrespectful? Like they dont respect the serious aspects of the character and legit think they suck for having horrible things happen to them? Im bad at gauging jokes like that but... yea (they just dont know how to bully fictional characters unlike us who throw Isaac off a 10 stories building everyday <3)

In any case, N! Trevor and N! Richter do not deserve that sort of treatment already, and much less their mainline counterparts :/

And regarding girlbosses, they way ppl need to put down their men to show how cool the girls are just, reeks of insecurity to me? Why does having a "loser dumb wife guy" makes her a girlboss? Why would a confident gal need a loser to take care of instead of a good partner were both compliment eachother's strong and weak points? Maybe im being a bit dramatic here, but it carries off a similar mentality to sexist guys that need to put down their gal's accomplishments to feel well Plus, the way how fandoms still revolve around said loser guys and how a lot of the times the writing itself makes the girlboss character a compliment or a motivation for the man without depth for herself makes it all feel performative. Just write a normal character with character traits who happens to be a woman ffs :/

It's incredible. NFCV alone feels like a shitty fanfiction, full of those fanfic tropes that would make me close immediately: flanderization, wimpification of "pretty" male characters, thirsting, juvenile wit, spotlight-stealing OCs, gratuituous sex and SA treated with the finesse of a charging hippo. Then you let the fandom fandomify this shitty fanfic even more, and the result is just a disaster, a kiddie pool of the most baffling misconceptions you could see.

Just to make one example, Trevor in the games is a noble but ruthless hunter, both friendly and fierce, fighting for mankind yet wanting respect yet gladly giving credit to his friends; in the show, he's a washed out Bojack Horseman-esque asshole, who despite his cynicism admittedly attempts to do the right thing when push comes to shove; and according to fandom he's pretty much a funny penis man with two braincells, Sypha and Alucard. the scene where he punches Dracula and he goes "you must be the Belmont" became a meme for a reason :^)

And yeah you're right that the fandom doesn't seem to. like the Belmonts much. But then again, they're acting like the show wants them to :) The writing doesn't take Trevor's alcoholism seriously, so they don't, alcoholism is a funny joke that makes people silly and just a tad pathetic (and it's not a serious addiction and symptom of larger problems no sir). Richter is a goofball who cries in a corny way, so it's easy to laugh at him - and that's when fans don't say that Julia deserved to die for being a "colonizer". Lenore is sexualized to hell and back, so the fans thirst for her and they think that Hector must thirst for her too, and look, wasn't her death so prettly tragic, maybe she was a good person after all!

The way fandoms treat girl characters nowadays is... barely an improvement over the 2000s when Amy would be called a slut for having a backless dress. Now it's all about how stronk and kewl and queens and girlbosses they are. And you can't criticize the writing of a female character because "just say you hate women 🙄", even when the said character is a female victim of abuse who was written by a molester as a smug radfem whose personality never goes beyond "i want to steal from men because men bad" *coughcoughcough*

The show itself is regressive when it comes to its female characters. They're all the damn same. They're either spunky sassy gals who put their men in their place, or evil but hot dommy mommies (Striga and Morana don't fit the mold because they're not characters). Most of them are magic users, even those who in the games were normal women. I will forever stand by my point that Annette did not need to be a metal bender, and if the writers truly cared, they could have fleshed out the skeleton provided by RoB. But they didn't. Because girl power!!! but only if you're conventionally "badass" and have a "strong" attitude.

[theuniverseawakens347]

How you claim you making it out yo shitty parents situation when ur living in ur own environment

But got a bigger house better car or more friends ..

But doing the same dumb shit. Then get a partner on the same “ I want better than where I came from”

And they get with you and on closer look you giving the same misery they had growing up they trying to leave behind now a mofo wana walk n you doing that

“BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY EVEN GIVING YOU A STD ( and kids unplanned wanted without mitrual feels is a std MURDER CHARGE HOMICIDE) IM KEEP YOU STUCK W ME”

- MISERY CODEPENDENCY ON NOT BEING LONELY SO CHOOSING SHIT FRIENDS

Or being Lee she got 3 pockets of friends and families.

Those in FULLY HOLY GRACE FORGIVNESS OWNER SHIP OF ALL PARTS OF LIFE RESPECTFULLY THRU UNDERSTANDING - my 5:13 am post-

2. Those fully doing the devils dance and don’t care 2a. I care about this more than that but I’ll lie to you just bc you seem less sinner than me but ima go to 2b ( alone and do the dance in full devils soul - no discipline but check it how you feel it for ( drake ) but ddg in full 2pac)

3. I’m a half sinner I struggle w this trying to improve but don’t got proper grounding so I feel stuck ( surrender) until something better come alone(g) 3a. I struggle w this got better to do better but keep falling off and don’t know why 3b. I know why I keep falling off but i looooove dragging more ppl into my misery company and calling it a “family of love learning to be and do better” - AA FELLOWSHIT. 💋🙂 - WHOS ALWAYS ON AND OFF THE WAGON IN THE ROOMS.

- HERES WHY.

Emma yes in full IT IS. AND ANYONE AGRUE - U A SINNER AND DYING CAUSE YOU HATE BLACK PAIN ( even tho you white washed black person) BUT CONTINUE TO MAKE “take” OR BE THE PAIN 🫤 - lack of emotional intelligence is a lack of reading comprehension skills is a lack of motor skills in full - SHOWING YOU AND OR SOMEONE DID WAAAY TOO MUCCH DRUGS ( the wrong ones) BEFORE THE BRAIN FULLY DEVELOPED- UR SPECIAL NEEDS IVF WITHOUT VITAL PROPERTIES TO LIVE - if you missed that sermon find my twitter tweets back from summer 2023 lol

IVF HEBO GLOBE IN CHART. - U MISSING A BRAIN W ME BUT IM STILL WINNING LE

How that work 🫤

IDK ASK GOD BUT AT THIS POINT ITS A FELONY THE WAY YOU TREATING ME - FEDERAL DEATH ROW TO ALL WHO MISSED USED ME FOR LEE “proving a point” - WHEN YOU CUD HAVE JUST TALKED TO ME HONESTLY TRULY. - Lee AND Howard 1 st visit at the PSYCHWARD 2021 Aug. ASS CUNTS.

YOU CAME TO TELL ME THIS AND BACKED OUT WHEN LEE STARTED LYING “remember you told me as a kid your three big brother were going to kill me” I said bitch I’ve never said that Howard looked at you AND DISNT DO SHIT

So LEE TOLD THE NURSERS SHES NOT STUPID ENOUGH AMP UP THE DRUGS I NEED HER BRAIN FRIED.

🙂🖕

loser ass bitch why YOU DONT WANT TO HELP ME OR COME SEE ME - U GON HAVE TO LAPD MILITARY GON DRAG YOU OUT THE HOUSE THIS POINT TO COME TO THE LIB N SEE ME OR YOU COME ON UR OWN - IM GETTING OFF THE STREETS BUT IF ITS GOTTA BE ANY HARDER UR GOING HOMELESS FOR GOOD BOTH OF YOU. TAUNTED NO PROTECTION. - NOT ILEGAL FOR ME CALLING IT ASS HOLE - WELL DESERVED KARMA.

[dicennio]

Here are few tips to color manga panels. This is not a tutorial bc I’m a loser but I hope it helps someone in someway~

FIRST: You need to now the basics regarding cleaning manga, once you get your manga cap ready we can start.

1) I prefer to get ride of all the gray scales because this way your coloring look less messy. When you leave the grayscale the outcome isn’t bad per se but you can see it throught the coloring you know?

2) Once your manga cap is ready select your layer > go to channels > load channel as selection > supr

3) Duplicate your  original layer, set the layer blend in multiply and then you can add your base colors between the orig layer and the duplicated one!

4) To make your workspace more friendly separate each color into groups and name them!

5) Once you’re done putting the base colors you can start adding shadows. I tend to choose a color slightly darker than the one I use for the base

6) add a new layer > set it in multiply > add the shadows here. You can add as many shadow layers as you want.

6) Smudge tool is your friend when woking with shadows, I use it a lot bc it helps to blend the colors / make your shadows look more smoth (or if you’re super lazy you can select your layer > filter > blur > gaussian blur)

A FEW NOTES

I put all the base colors before I start shading AND I don’t care about the amount of layers I use to add shadows

When it comes to add highlights I always add them when the shadows are done. Usually white > soft light blend mode

I redraw most of my manga caps bcs I don’t like sfx sounds, to redraw certain patterns/lines clone stamp tool is your fried. 

When it comes to coloring eyes I usually redraw them again so I can color them properly:

here’s a lil tutorial on how coloring eyes: 

Once your entire coloring is done you can start to play with saturation, levels, curves etc. I tend to do this procces in a new document, to do it so I save the colored page as png and then I open it again to add some effects/textures/etc.

I can’t think in anything else to add, so if yall wanna know something and I can help just let me know and I’ll add here asap~

[teacupesque]

I've been isolating a lot lately, like doubly so with the whole pandemic thing and so being a really lonely loser I go over to a friend's house to watch kipo the day it drops cause why not. I only expected like 3 other people to be there sides my partner and I but no, a shit ton of folks show up to play board games instead of watch kipo for whatever reason.

[[MORE]]

This girl, who works with my partner, has a history of ramping up reactions to 11 and blasting it on social media. She also v petty, and likes to talk bad about people in a passive aggressive manner. My partner has been staying home, and was worried about his co-workers being shitty to him when he gets back for staying home during a pandemic. I've been hearing about this concern for like, a solid two weeks.

So I fucked up and griped at this girl that she could take her attitude elsewhere when she made a snide remark about being the only one working. This wasn't true, all of our friends work currently cept for my partner so I snapped at her thinking she was being nasty. She just said what then up and left. I really don't care for her passive aggressive nonsense most times anyway, I just don't say anything.

Like, cool, now she's embarrassed but at least she literally took her attitude elsewhere. I did feel bad for causing her to leave so I tried to apologize via text the next day after a sleep so I'd have a clear head, but emphasis on tried bc apparently I donked up so bad it caused her to have a mental break or something.

She starts calling me names and saying I'm horrible, she took what she said out of context, and we're not friends and like cool, that's alright and expected if a way too aggressive.

I didnt yell at this girl with my comment, just had a rude tone. She started harping how I yelled at her and how I'm terrible. I know I texted bad somehow, I should have put something like I know your probably didn't mean it that way or something but I hardly talk to anyone and didn't know how.

She then texts a very long text about random emotional stuff, like no one cares about her and she has to work with her previous roommate, now abuser, and boo hoo pity her, her life is terrible and my partner was a terrible friend bc he didn't want to take sides. (I don't know the whole story, frankly it isn't my business, there's literally nothing I could do about it, and I wish well for her but I barely know her besides some very awkward previous encounters) it's really, really, long and there's more nonsensical private stuff in it.

It wierds me out that all this came from my one gripey interaction with her. I tell her to see a therapist, this is just about one interaction anymore, leave me alone please and mostly am confused for the next couple of days. I'm STILL confused.

So I do the next dumb thing: I put it on an advice forum to get outside feedback and maybe understand a little better.

People being terrible people empowered by anonymity, start telling me how heartless and stupid I am for even texting this girl or going out during a pandemic at all. One kind person reworked my text to point out how to make it sound less robotic and accusitory, which I super duper appreciate. It makes me want to read about how to write with more emotion and empathy so this never happens again!

But literally everything else is a sea of downvotes for asking any questions, callinh me self centered and dumb, a stupid bitch, petty, what have you. Eh, I deleted the post after a night, and hid it so I wouldn't get any more notifications on it and hopefully that's that. I did take to heart the self centered thing, I really shouldn't have gone out at all. I also need to work on my texting and talking skills to I seem assertive and not aggressive because I obviously need to improve on that.

I am however still upset that this girl starting ripping into me and then dumping on me. Like, hey, I'm going to hit you and then ask you to carry my burdens even though I don't know or care about your well-being. She ended the long text with something like, I'm telling you this because no one asks me how I'm feeling. She didn't ask me for consent or about my feelings before spewing all of that? Like, hypocrite??? I don't know you??? It's manipulation into getting free therapy from someone even remotely friendly to you and I've seen it before. This time the anger was justified at first. But like, people need to stop venting to me. Especially if they don't ask first.

I had to do that for my whole family forever and then random people in college. I don't tolerate it now and I do not care if it makes me seem cold. Ask me first. If a person starts talking at me I say this is making me uncomfortable and I'm not the one you should be talking to about this, how about seeing one of the counselors or something. At least if I post it here, no one has to read the whole thing! It's obvi a vent post! There's a choice! Im still tired and hurt, I shouldn't have to walk on eggshells around everyone. One comment shouldn't cause people to completely unravel. How do I keep attracting these freaks.

ONE comment or interaction shouldn't make a person collapse or be so upset so fast, particularly a mundane response to something. Please go to therapy if that's you. Learn to regulate emotions. Don't go outside, write in a diary or do some coping exercises until that's under control a bit because this happens way too often to me specifically.

Many times in college I'd ask for a pencil, go through a group exercise, or to pass the salt and then get someone's tragic life story. Please stop using random people as free therapists!!!!! Please for the love of goodness!!

[chickenfetus]

ALL MY EGG (and for the four names: jae, killer kang, minhyuk (whichever one), and santa

deadass i did the 100 questions ask meme for this ask and almost posted it rip

🐰 what is one secret that you’ve never told anyone?

theres literally nothing i dont even know what to say ???? 

💗 if you could hug anyone, who would it be?

not 2 be delusional but i would give up my world to hug changkyun

🐹 what are some of your favourite Pokémon and why?

glaceon is UP THERE idk why honestly but the sinnoh games were my first and i just??? i was really into ice and snow and shit u know so glaceon... thakn u

another pkmn ill always have is lucario ????? its just so cool?????

🌠 if you were in charge of the world, what would the world look like?

hopefully forgiveness and like???? acknowledging mistakes and learning from those u know jst positive stuff and like?? water. god i love water

👀 what was the most recent vivid dream that you had?

hm okay i think this one was from last night or the night b4??? and like???? idk???? i dont even know how 2 start tbh?

so im like hanging over at this two kid’s im a kid 2 i think place and idk we just talk and shit??? idk whomst the boys were tho

and then we get to a scene where its like??? at a train station???? and i go to the washroom to shit or smth idk thankfully i didnt shit myself irl

then i have to get onto the train which isnt even a train its like a carousel with seats??? and its like on a train track boys this is 2 much and i forgot to get ready my train card thing so the guy (who i was p sure was evil) waited for me to remove it so i got onto the transportation device lmao

and then once im seated i remember i forgot my jacket so i make like hand movements 2 the creep and hes runnig 2 me with my jakcet but the ride’s way too fast so i yell and say ill come back for it even tho im p sure i wasnt going 2

after that i wke up wild

☀️ what do you like the most about your best friend?

i dont have a best friend and all of my friends have their own unique qualities if i went into a rant abt them rn this will b so long

😘 talk about your crush or partner

[minhyuk voice] theres none

💁 if someone was rude to you, would you be rude back?

ya bc im petty but it really depends on the person

🌟 what do you like about yourself? (must choose at least 3 things!)

my personality (the good parts)

my values

my taste in friends (my Big Friends are either geminis or scorpios good)

🐾 what are you scared of most? how will you overcome it?

the dark and bitch isnt gonna turn off her night light any time soon

🎁 what never fails to make you happy?

seeing my favourite happy, listening to the music i like 

💙 what annoys you about some people?

i jjust went into a full out rant abt this on the other reply so ill be quiet now

😤 do you get angry easily?

yeahhhhh 

🐇 what do you always daydream about?

my faves tbh

🌻 if you could change 3 things about the world what would you change?

bad people , gone.

everybody only sends love and happy things on anon

i just want everyone 2 b nice & friendly wars of any sort dont exist and no one wants anybody dead

🍓 send me 4 names: kiss, befriend, kill or marry?

if u sent jae’s name earlier id have trouble so im glad

kiss: tihis is so fucking embarrassing wtf minhyku (mx) but only on the cheek basically everywhere except the lips or anyplace weird

befriend: brian :-0

kill: jae goodbye loser

marry: sanha we can yell every time we gotta turn the lights off

✈️ what is your dream city and why?

tokyo bc its NICE

☕️ talk about your ideal day

cant read

🌸 are you an introvert, ambivert or extrovert?

i suddenly thought of the word ambivore which made me think of the word vore i wanna delete im a both? mayb idk

💧 when was the last time you cried?

nov 3 bc my heart hurts whenever i see ppl being a bad friend

🎵 name 5 songs you love at the moment

oh worm

all alone - day6

with you - astro

dramarama - mx (even though it isnt out yet lmao)

run - bts (the superior bts song)

hellevator - / (i was rly gonna make this mixed languages but rip)

⚡️ if you had any superpower, what would it be and why?

to fly bc im basic

💛 if you could talk to your younger self, what would you say?

dont do that

💚 who are you jealous of and why?

nobody in general????????? 

💎 which one would you rather have more of: intelligence, beauty, kindness, wealth or bravery? why?

intelligence i have 2 live somehow what if my money gets stolen

🙊 what are you ashamed of?

my humor

🌺 which languages do you know? which do you want to learn?

i (barely) know chinese despite having 2 take it all my life legends only

i know english but im bad at that 2 and its my first language once again legends only

i wanna learn japanese and korean 

🍀 if you could be any fictional character’s best friend/lover, which fictional character would you be?

the cow from voltron 

☁️ talk about your dream universe.

weve already discussed this

💜 which acts of kindness are you going to do today?

oh w-0rm ok so im a regular anon on this persons blog and i wanted to send an ask but never got arnd doing it so im gonna send her one. soon/

🐬 if you could transform into any animal/magical creature, what would you be and why?

let me live my life as a furry and cat

🍄 talk about someone/something you really dislike

are u ready 4 me to b the meanest person yet bc i sure am lets fucking go

so theres this girl. and i know her (unfortunately) and ive known her since like 4 years ago and back then she was already pretty shit tbh

she cried bc she had to sit in between the “weird” and “dirty” girls in our class and she headass cried in front of them and everyone just bc she didnt like the arrangement?? shes called the “dirty” girl disgusting before and has made fun of her in front of everybody its just bad :-/

now. fast forward 3 years and in addition to still being disrespectful and rude, she now vocalizes her weird fantasies for her “oppas”??? some examples: 

“when i go watch __ perform im gonna climb onto stage and then my mother and my future husband will fight for me” and she calls those kpop idols weird shit and basically sexualizes them/???? she says the weirdest fucking shit on her ig story and tags them??????? 

another thing. she went to korea nd took a picture of a complete stranger and posted it on her public ig and called him her “oppa” and said that they had a “fun day together” despite the guy not knowing her at all???? she posted the pic of him??? i still dont get it tbh 

she wasnt even being ironic at all??? she calls herself & classmates “autistic” whenever she/others do smth dumb or mess up and its just sososososo fucking wrong

being one of the people to see how shes basically grown from bad to worse is something i dont fucking enjoy and i jsut want to leave my class already lmao 

ok but there are times where i do appreciate her because sometimes the class will be rly quiet and the teacher is basically talking 2 themselves but she’ll always respond w/o fail so thats great but its only bc she talks so damn much 

i just got a flashback to when she “jokingly” said she wanted to be a trainee for the rest of her life how do i just. god

😣 talk about some things that have been making you depressed/angry/anxious lately

we’ve once again already discussed this

🍪 what did you want to be as a kid, and what do you want to be now?

i wanted to be various things honestly?? ranging from an astronaut to a vet to an editor to an animator to other stuff i get influenced pretty easily so if i watch smth and i think its cool ill want 2 be that i guess?? ive been trying 2 get rid of that habit so now i have no clue what i wanna be

🍰 what are some of your favourite sugary foods?

sweets and chocolate cake

🍑 what are you obsessed with?

drinking water and staying hydrated

making my friends laugh is great 2

💘 what happens to you when you’re stressed?

acne LMAO 

😪 what are you sick of?

the usual

🙀 are you an adrenaline seeker?

i love scouting on sif and bandori so yeah 

💥 what are some unpopular opinions that you have?

lets not 

☔️ would you consider yourself a good person?

to a certain extent

😊 what do you like to do as hobbies?

use my phone???? send nice anons and comment on art/fics 

🎤 what’s the last song you hummed or sang by yourself?

none

🐝 what’s your worst trait? how are you planning to improve it?

my tolerance for ppl’s shit is so low

🎨 what do you always doodle when you’re bored?

my ocs

🐻 what’s stopping you from chasing your dreams?

i dont have a dream hence myself

🌷 what’s your mbti personality and why do you think it suits you?

infpt i dont rmb shit but yeah

🐶 send me 3 fictional people and I’ll choose my favourite!

falen i dont rmb what u sent

👑 who are your favourite celebrities and why?

i dont follow any :-o zendaya has had my heart ever since shake it off tho

🐴 opinion on day6?

ur rly gonna do this 2m e?

all alone just started playng this is terrible lets get it

so day6. a band i only found out about in late june (thank u boxy) and before this i only ever listened to bts and mx bc my friends stan them so i thought i was gonna expect boys dancing, the usual. 

i clicked i smile and i lost my fucking shit as soon as i saw the instruments because prior to day6 i was a big 5sos fan so this was rly resonating to me tbh and i was just !!! so fukcng excited??? i never intended to even get into day6 honestly??? but after witnessing how good they are and watching about all of the available mvs at that point i was completely in awe so i caved a created a stan twitter for them.

now, this isnt even the most of it. after becoming a fan i realized how much more these 5 boys are. they compose (if im not wrong) and brian writes lyrics for the songs each month because of their everyday6 project and again, im wow-ed because??? the amount of dedication???? they went from releasing 2 title tracks in 2 years to releasing 12 title tracks and 12 bside tracks in a single year. they havent released the december song yet but haviing to work on 2 or more songs in 4 weeks is fucking amazing if you ask me. 

theyre really talented and theyre just so versatile (am i using that word correctly) and each month their songs sound different. this project has given them the opportunity to try new things and you can hear the steady improvement in each of their vocals (dowoonie not so much since he barely gets lines, but we all know hes working hard) and if you listen to their debut song - kongchu and compare it to the version they released along with sunrise it just???? the drumming has even changed from the original version nd its so noticeable that whenever i hear kongchu from 2015 i know its the old ver

to add to those, they do vlives every week and although those vlives are always scheduled it still makes my day seeing them and watching them do the usual. 

one thing im upset about is that how they barely promote themselves, they rarely get on variety shows (the most is individual schedules) and we, as mydays never really get to know the boys so its harder to fall for them as a whole. i dont know if its jyp or day6′s decision but if this is how they want to be known for - their music only, then so be it. we still have jae’s presence on youtube, music access and asc. thats the most we can get and it makes it difficult for us to learn about the rest but thats okay.

another thing. their concerts are something i always look forward to (even though my interest has died down a bit;) their concerts are just so fun to listen to?? there’ll always be mydays who stream the concert so everyone else can listen to them play and they sound so good live it drives me crazy. mydays are always so hyped and whenever mydays sing along it just gives me goosebumps??? bc theyre so???? good????? 

tldr; day6 deserve more, following wise and promotions wise because they work so hard and once this project ends i hope they’ll manage to rest but still remain as a presence that will be known instead of returning to jyp’s dungeon.

🍋 do you consider yourself an emotional person?

there are days where i am more emotional than usual 

📚 share 3 books that you love and your favourite quote from them.

this is tiring

😔 what do you always do when you feel sad? does it help?

i sleep and boy it really helps

😌 what thoughts keep you going when you’re sad?

rest

🌍 which country do you live in?

singapore

🐧 describe yourself in 3 words

lame funny swag

🐵 which quotes changed you?

“rocky swag” - park minhyuk, 2017

💭 do you keep a diary?

nope

💫 who inspires you?

brian kang 

👻 do you believe in ghosts and why?

yes bc i love losing sleep

🎀 what’s your fashion sense like?

terrible

🎬 what are some of your favourite films?

i watched spiderman homecoming and i have no idea why i didnt see the plot twist coming but its GOOD watch it

🍦 what is one treasured childhood memory?

theres none lads

🐼 if you could meet anyone, who would it be and why?

all my internet buddies but sometimes i dont want to bc im kinda....gross

[aplaceforthesoul]

Anonymous submitted:

19/f i’ve been very sad and upset with myself lately. i’m currently in the first year of uni and even though i’ve made many friends since the start of the school year, i feel terrible for not belonging to any group, like i don’t have stable friends who i can hit up and hang out with or study with during free time. all my life until sophomore year of high school, i always belonged somewhere. it was only when i moved schools during junior year when i had trouble really belonging somewhere but it was a little better during my last two years of high school since other groups would invite me and another close friend to hang out during free time and were actually really nice to us but those groups didn’t really consider us as part of them, just close friends. many of the people from my last two years of high school are in the same uni i am in right now and many of them are taking up the same course as i am but they have all found new groups or they now have a stronger friendship i guess that i don’t feel comfortable hanging out with them alone anymore because i feel like if i would always tag along, they wouldn’t be able to talk about certain things. the only stable friend i have is my best friend of 12 years who has her own friend group (her classmates senior year of high school, i’m from another class) but i feel a little comfortable hanging out with now but only if she is with me. i still feel awkward hanging around them because i am always around when they make plans together and i know they also feel awkward making plans when i am with them because they want to hang out as senior year classmates and reunite and catch up. it’s totally fine with me and i totally understand if they make plans without me, i mean i’m not from their class anyway. i feel awkward knowing that they feel awkward talking about it. oh god im not making sense anymore but yeah. i also feel so annoying always following my best friend around like a puppy and i also feel awkward because i am always a third wheel between her and her boyfriend because we usually make plans to study together but then her bf would call in the middle of us studying and he wants to study with her. im actually pretty comfortable around her bf since he’s also my friend, i just feel like i’m always in the way between them spending quality time together and whatnot which is why i go home early sometimes to let them have study dates just the two of them. i don’t want her bf to feel bad for her rejecting his invitations most of the time to have study dates together bc we always have plans already.

another thing that’s been bothering me lately are my parents never listening to my reasoning when we argue and my discovery of my brother’s twitter account. first, my parents. it’s annoying how they never listen to me when i reason out. when i do, they would always tell me “of course you’re never wrong!” sarcastically or they’ll say that i’m being disrespectful. i admit, sometimes i am wrong for being too harsh but even when i am right, they would still insist they are right because they assume they are always right. one example was what happened two nights ago. my mom asked me to teach my brother how to solve some 7th grade algebra problems. i don’t remember how to do them anymore because I haven’t had that lesson in years and i didn’t have math subjects for 2 years now since my major doesn’t really have math subjects in its curriculum. i told her calmly i already forgot about it and i really had to prepare for a report that night that i was to present the day after but she insisted that i still knew how to, i just didn’t want to help. i told her again and again that i would help if i knew but i really didn’t and i was busy but she insisted that i was just making it up when i really really really didn’t. my dad heard us arguing and told me to shut up, basically siding with my mom. he also thought i was just lying. i continued to tell him i wasn’t then he told me i was disrespectful and threatened that if i say one more word, he would throw me out of the house. i was hurt because he said that over something very petty. he never did that to my brothers, only to me. he always did that to me even as a kid when he told be i bring bad luck to the family and that i was useless countless times. he never apologized for those words and my mom never stopped him or told him to say sorry to me or what. then my brother’s twitter account. he wouldn’t give me his username whenever i asked for it but then i stumbled upon his account yesterday and decided to read his tweets for fun. i was laughing until i saw him tweet to his friends basically describing me as a traitor and overall a bad sister. i also didn’t know how to react knowing he continues to cut classes to drink with his friends and god forbid, even smoke and do drugs without my parent’s knowledge despite them finding out once and talking to him about it. he also cursed my dad over there and told a friend he has no family. i’m very worried as he’s underage and still in junior year of high school and i also hate seeing him go through such struggles alone. i was also disappointed in myself as his older sister for not letting him feel i am there for him even though i try my hardest to comfort him whenever he gets scolded at by my parents. i felt sad knowing that he sees me as a ‘traitor’ and a bad sister. i also realized how my family’s relationship is actually not as ideal as i believed it was bc nobody knows anybody. we may not be like other families who have big fights and all but we are actually pretty empty since neither of us have close relationships with each other. i love them so much and i don’t want my parents to feel they are bad parents despite everything, no matter how much they hurt me which is why i’m very sad about this.

all those together along with me recently feeling like i am just mediocre in the things i’m passionate about and basically me just not being good enough to join extra curricular activities and having a personality as bland as a loaf of wheat bread, being a friendless loser, realizing i am not as smart as i thought i was or everyone thinks i am. i just have good memory which is why i excel academically but other than that, i am pretty dumb. my thoughts, vocabulary, and everything are very shallow and i am not good in either written or verbal outputs. i just feel so stuck and alone. i feel worse than ever. i was a pretty positive and motivated person a few years ago, i don’t know what happened. i always believed i would be successful after school and maybe a part of me still does now but i am now starting to doubt myself. i just really need to get this out of my system after keeping this to myself for soooooo long bc i don’t want to burden my high school best friends who have their own problems and i never had a super close relationship with my family either. i’m just tired of crying every night because of this and pretending i’m okay everyday. i’m very sorry for this long ass submission and thank you if you hve read this and reached this point of this submission. 💕

hi lovely <3 I’m glad you felt comfy enough to write all of this down and get it off your chest. writing out thoughts and feelings can be pretty therapeutic for you. 

about the friends situation? you’re not a friendless loser! I really do mean that :* it can take a long while to find a group of friends that you vibe with, it might be especially hard to manage at the moment when you’re used to having a fairly steady and stable group in high school? but the current situation you’re in doesn’t make you weird or a loser, promise. if you haven’t really found a core group of friends through university + study, open up the possibilities a bit :)  use websites like meetup.com to meet new people with similar passions and interests, or like hey!vina / cliq (more links here), maybe visit your local community centre and see what’s going - you could maybe sign up for a class or activity that interests you, and meet new people and friend opportunities that way too. if it’s me? I use facebook groups! I moved all the way to London without knowing anyone, a lot of people do the same so there’s a facebook group set up for support and bringing a community vibe to things. so I use some of those facebook groups to make posts reaching out for friends, say a bit about myself and what I’m interested in, and with those who respond we can organise brunch or something (Y) maybe you could try the same, join facebook groups where you share things in common with other members (whether it be a similar age age, gender, sexuality, location in the world) and make a post reaching out for friends, could be worth trying. 

with your parents, is there any room for a conversation on this? I know how difficult it can be to talk to parents and to get them to have an open-minded conversation, but it could be worth a shot. find a time when they’re not too busy (or maybe talk to just your mum if you feel the convo would go better) and say “hey can I talk to you about something” and go from there. talk about the fact that you don’t really feel respected in the house at the moment, that you don’t feel like your parents trust you?? if you say you can’t do something (eg. algebra) then you really can’t, it’s not a ploy to avoid being kind or helpful. ask them why they never listen to you or trust you, maybe talk about the lack of trust and ask what could be done to improve that. 

you’re only 19! and I mean that in the best way possible, you’ve so much time ahead of you to achieve what you want to. at the age of 19 I was failing university and struggling with a breakup and was not financially independent at all, I had a terrible relationship with my sister (and sometimes my mum), things were not good. and now? things are so great, I would never have imagined myself to be where I am now (▰˘◡˘▰) life can change, relationships can improve, you’ve got time. things might feel a little stagnant right now? but it won’t be that way forever, promise <3

- tash