#bc any time i tried to say no its like id get punished for it and made to feel guilty.

[sereniv]

.

[marsbotz]

rewatching nature i dont want to make one billion posts abt it so heres alllllll my nature thoughts as we go lets go wheeeeeee

[ghostthostt]

Hiiii hello hi please tell me everything about Foxtrot and also that I love him (and telling you how his design is amazing!!!) What role on teams does he usually fill? Favorite foods? If he could keep one enemy as a pet no consequence what would it be?

hi !! thank you so much <33

ill put it under the cut bc its gonna be a lot i think

Foxtrot, aka FOXTROT-152, was a combat medic before joining the company. he specializes in medical treatment, and knows how to treat wounds, small or great, on the fly .. thats how hes survived this long out on Titan

hes extremely cautious, but kind, prioritizing the crew over himself at all times. he will give his rations, his supplies, his care, everything to the crew before taking care of himself. he is extremely selfless... its both a positive trait and a flaw of his

his reason for being brought to the company was punishment. he made a mistake that costed the lives of many people, and because of it, he was sent to the company as punishment. he was given amnestics and forced to forget everything about himself and his past except for his issued ID, FOXTROT-152. he was told what his job was, what he was expected to do, and well. he had no choice but to do it. so he did

eventually, though, he started to catch on to what the company was and what they were doing. he grew paranoid, scared of what they would do if they found out he knew... he spent every day anxious and tense, afraid of every radio transmission, every message, every ship that passed them .. scared of everything. that it was the company finally coming for him.

and one day, they finally did. they came for him ... separated him from his crew, administered more amnestics, and forced him to do a solo mission. it was meant to kill him. and it almost did

the landing alone almost killed him ... his ship was sabotaged and the landing was... messy, to say the least. he survived, though with a heavily broken arm. his forearm was shattered and his wrist was fractured, rendering the arm useless... all he could do was set it and hope for the best. he didnt realize what had happened at first, he thought it was a mistake on his part, and he kept sending out distress signals.. hoping for a rescue

but help never came, and he was left stranded on Titan for a loooong time. he soon realized what had happened to him and he just wandered... he was hoping to die without having to actually kill himself. he was too afraid to .

along the way, he picked up a sort of parasitic fungus that slowly began infecting him .. i forgot to include it in the drawing (ill edit the post in a bit) but basically it kept him alive but it used his body for its own survival in the process too. he tried very hard to get rid of it but just. couldnt. so he was left to wander the endless snow of Titan while this fungus slowly ate at him .. and hes been wandering ever since.

hes not quite alive anymore ... hes more dead than alive, sort of like a zombie, but hes still Kiiiindda in there.. somewhere. yeah :^)

as for your questions...

the role he filled was definitely a medic. he had everything you could need and took care of the crew very well.. he was very skilled in running in and dragging people away from danger, too. hes stronger than he looks for his size

his favorite foods... i think hed like something sweet, like strawberry and nutella sandwiches. something indulgent but sweet and simple :^)

and he would LOVE the spore lizards and snare fleas. hed think they were very very cute. he would definitely try to pet a lizard (and get bit in the process)

if you have any more questions feel free to ask again <333

[heartslobbf]

Hm.

Nanami and Juri are girl princes. Maybe Kozoue too... Shiroi maybe?

Saionji and Miki are boy princesses.

more complicated than this imho but thats just because im weird and transsexual. i have rambled underneath about my feelings about boy-princess- and girl-prince-isms, and the general bullshit of ohtori’s rigid categorisation because it’s something that compels me to no end.

juri is a girl prince but everyone forgets that she's a girl until she actually tries to act like a boy, and then they punish her for it. nanami is like a calf-shaped prince. ive said this before, but it's genuinely how i feel. she's not a girl, she's a farm animal (to ohtori; and admittedly, there isn't much difference in ohtori, but it's explicitly said about nanami when it isnt for other girls).

now. ive never really got the 'miki is a boy princess' thing because like.... sure miki is a 13 year old androgynous little boy with short hair and he doesnt exactly ooze masculinity in everyones eyes but um. two things. one is that he actually commands more respect than saionji as a male and therefore princely figure (saionji isnt princely whatsoever and never tries to be bc his ideas about masculinity are in contradiction with akio's all-american bullshit) and the other is that he is, hilariously in my opinion, the only character other than akio shown to drive the car in the series. like, it's a dream sequence/projector illusion (?) but the fact that we see miki in the driver's seat, hands on the wheel, is kind of a huge deal for the show where they loveeeeeee to refuse to show you stuff that destabilises ohtori's artifice. miki has a very conventional and straightforward desire to be a prince to anthy (you know, if you ignore everything with kozue; but arguably his displacement and warping of his feelings in that way is typically ohtori) and he could totally pull that off imho. he's just a little too young for the moment, and unwilling to manipulate and coerce others like, say, touga is. this isn't to say there's no gender fuckery going on with miki because there 100% is, as there is with all rgu characters, i just wouldnt describe him as a boy princess.

anyway <3 kozue deffo has princely qualities but i would probably box hers in with anthy's. they are both princes repackaged as witches because their genders destabilise the ideal of the prince and its artifice. this is something that happens to all of ohtori's little sisters, because they demonstrate utmostly princeliness towards their brothers, but nanami gets special calf-shaped prince privileges because i have kiryuu sibling brain worms. anthy and kozue are very conscious of their witchification as they are conscious of their sexuality, and how that impacts their relationships with their brothers. nanami is not.

shiori is also an interesting case because she and ruka are. well. theyre just fucking bonkers arent they. everything they say about each other is also equally applicable to themselves. i think that out of our three roles (prince, princess, witch/rose bride), some combination of witch and princess seems most fitting? like shiori is 100% a witch, and ruka was the perfect prince until he got sock-puppeted by akio in such a way that. well ruka's complicated and frankly i dont have time to get into it right now (know, however, that i hate his reanimated guts). shiori wants to be a princess and she wants to be pursued hopelessly but in having that desire, she is a witch. there is perhaps a perverse princeliness to her desire, but id argue that that's just what being a witch is. slayyyyyyy

now in regards to saionji. he's a boy princess but also it's complicated. saionji doesnt want to be a prince and saionji doesnt have any interest in princehood because, fundamentally, he doesnt care for it. princehood is built upon these americanised ideals and aesthetics that dont resonate with his very traditionally japanese understanding and performance of masculinity, and he just feels kind of disillusioned and defensive and all-around miserable that he's being 'left behind' in this 'old world' without any fucking chevys in it. like he doesnt want a chevy but everyone else has massive hardons for chevys and all his male peers think thats the only way to attain true masculinity and it makes him sooooooo mad, and frankly, even though he's a misogynist freak, i get that. maybe i am just an american car hater, who knows.

anyway saionji's inclination to the princess role (it's a bit more of a bride role than a princess role, but these distinctions are muddy; i'd argue a princess is entirely passive, but a bride actively wills the outcome of a duel) is deeply sad to me because it's just like this guy has absolutely no idea what the hell he's supposed to do to have a place in this world, attain specialness, command respect and attention. like he was repeatedly mocked for and excluded from attempting masculinity and he certainly cant be a princess (wow isnt this an interesting idea i wonder if it relates to the transfem reading haha what) and he doesnt feel any inclination towards either gender presentation particularly. he likes woodcarving and cooking, is artistic and earnest and expressive, but he's also a devoted kendoka whose sense of masculinity is closely tied to that practice. his gender is, by ohtori's rules, desperately confused and inconclusive. thus he forms part of the trifecta that is himself, utena and nanami, or as i like to call them: transgender freaks and cowgirl. good lord have they slipped through the cracks of this evil bastard system and attempted to fit all the same, understanding absolutely nothing about the impossible spaces they try to fill.

anyway whatevs. now im gonna talk about anthy and touga because my blog is the anthytouga show in my mind despite rarely talking about them and mainly just reblogging deranged art (affectionate) of them. anthy and touga are bonkers to me because they ARE the norm, but also no they arent. and that's the whole thing. like they embody the ideal so perfectly (prince and princess respectively), but anthy's also a witch, and the rose bride, and touga isn't really a prince. theyre unable to join as a prince and princess should, unable to be virtuous and perfect due to their knowledge and awareness. like, theyre both aware of the artifice of their existences and performances, but neither of them can really artiulate that awareness because doing so would jepoardise the positions theyre currently in. for touga, that's a very valuable one that has him close to 'escaping' (read: getting the key to the birdcage and holding it over everyone else's heads). for anthy, it's also valuable but not for herself, not really. it's valuable because it's a position from which she can help akio, and akio needs her, and she is indebted to akio and obliged to sacrifice herself eternally for him. etc etc etc. god i hate this man. you get what im saying with this. it’s about the precarious position that you are placed in as a victim, the power dynamics of it all. you have the knowledge that could crack the world’s shell easily, but you have been caught in such a way that you believe sharing it would kill you (again). it wouldn’t be worth anything. all it does is highlight how disgusting and awful you really are, and you can’t let anyone know that (the objective truth) because then they will stop loving the idealised you you’ve been performing and see the real you (evil and monstrous). ohhhhh what’s that Judith herman quote about being filled with black slime that pours out of your mouth when you open it. anthytouga hours (i am inconsolable rn)

sorry about this rant! i simply have too much to say about this goddamn show and merely wish to discourage people from 'girl prince' and 'boy princess'-ing characters into boxes. you know, utena's whole girl prince thing is actively critiqued by the show because there's nothing revolutionary about assimilation. every character in this show's cast is androgynous and it's up to us to determine what we think those unique expressions of androgyny mean. there are certainly girl prince-isms and boy princess-isms to characters, some more so than others, but you know. the ambiguity and freedom of the transsexual or whatever

[synthleeius]

Hi! I saw you the reblogged the same big mouth fic I reblogged. Big Mouth Is the best abd I love lee Jay. I was just wondering if you had any big mouth tickle headcannons? Honestly the lack of big mouth in the tickle fic community is a real woof.

hi!! ur so real for this one bc there isnt enough content for big mouth just in general. unfortunately i dont really have much hcs for them but its a huge comfort show for me so i thought id try and come up with a few for you xx

saying this now there not great but yk 💀 did my best

matthew absolutely hates being tickled in public, he'll definitely shove whoever is trying away😭he thinks its SO embarassing but its different behind doors, he fucking adores it

he doesn't really like it when people are too rough with him because it can hurt sometimes. (gonna use jay as a example because matthew and jay were my fav💔💔 BRING THEM BACK)

when jay first tried tickling him he wasn't really experienced in it and definitely. not good at it💀 BUT ITS NOT HIS FAULT

Matthew had to like teach him in a way? like lead his hands with his. he was embarrassed as fuck but it was SO worth it

jay is the kind of lee to like. PROVOKE.

he had to have tickling explained to him since he didnt really know what it was growing up

so he started trying to get people to tickle him as a punishment sort of thing?

he didnt know it was okay to like it, as in he thought it was weird to. but somebody eventually (mattew SORRY im so down bad for them) told him its somewhat normal to like it and then he started plain asking.

ik nobody gives a fuck about caleb but I GIVE A FUCK ABOUT HIM☹️☹️ so im gonna ramble

it depends on the day with him tbh

sometimes he gets badd sensory overload from tickling and will dismiss it completely, and other times hes okay with it.

he wouldnt really trust alot of people with it, so its usually just matthew who tickles him most of the time because he knows when and were, and how to.

he usually likes gentle tickles instead of rough, he doesnt want to be gasping for breath just like. breathy giggles.

if somebody wanted him to tickle them, they literally couldn't drop little hints. you have to tell him directly or else he doesn't get it at all😭

he is SO SILLY oh my god my absolute fav

[floorbe]

INSPIRATION HAS STRUCK. ok id like to order a gundham x reader where (SPOILERS FOR SDR2 CHAPTER 4, 5, and 6) reader is the killer of chapter 4 instead of gundham (bc HE SHOULD HAVE SURVIVED) and when reader wakes up from her ✨c o m a✨ (because like you know she was executed) gundhams just there, waiting and comforting her as the memories (killing, being executed, gundhams heartbreak as she said goodbye, etc) come back✌️🥺 and so shes just apologizing but gundhams like its ok!! ty in advance🥺💕

yeah!!! spoilers under the cut// tw death// tw descriptions of execution 

God, why does everything hurt so much? It feels like you’ve been dragged to Hell and back with the amount of burning coursing through your body right now. Stabbing pains hit you everywhere they can reach, and you let out a whimper as it hits you full force as you come back into consciousness. You barely notice the blinding light that unwelcomingly greets you as you try to open your eyes, too overwhelmed by the rest of your (Broken? It sure feels like it) body.

The stark white ceiling above you doesn’t help your eyes get used to the new light, and you end up groaning quietly instead as you try to make out your surroundings. What had you done to make you end up here? Your mind is foggy, and the last the thing you remember is-

“Y-Y/N!” a familiar voice startles you from your attempted memory, and you snap your head to the door, instantly hissing as the motion causes more pain to shoot through you. You feel your hand being taken into someone else's, shakily interlacing your fingers together as the newcomer sighs softly. You struggle to make out their features, your eyes are still adjusting, but you could never forget how his hand felt in yours. 

“G-Gundham,” you rasp out, blinking blearily as you feel his head clench around yours, “Wh-what...?” Your voice breaks off, and you realize just how dry your throat is. Gundham seems to realize your plight, for he releases your hand for a moment and you hear his footsteps receding. Your eyes are finally able to recognize your surroundings as Gundham enters the room again, holding a small paper cup and sitting in a chair beside your bed.

You take the cup with shaky hands, pausing to frown at how disheveled Gundham looks. While he’s always had dark circles under his eyes, they’d now become much more significant. Coupled with his messy hair (he’d always made sure to keep it pristinely in shape... what happened to you?), it’s obvious that something had been keeping him stressed. 

You take a sip of the cool water, licking your lips as you feel it run down your coarse throat. You greedily gulp down more as it brings relief, only briefly trying to hold yourself back from drinking too much at once. It felt too good to wait, and suddenly you felt parched. How long had you been out? Another question to the ever growing pile. 

As you hand the cup back to Gundham to set down on the desk beside you, you feebly try to remember anything from what happened before you were knocked out. What had you been doing? You remember... being hungry. You wince at that intense memory. At least you don’t seem to be too hungry anymore, you try to reason; or maybe you just don’t feel it yet.

You’re interrupted yet again by Gundham; this time he grasps your hand within both of his own, and when you look up to meet his gaze you hold back a gasp at the unshed tears in his eyes. “M-my dear,” he starts, and you can hear his voice crack as a tear rolls down his face, “I-... I thought you...” He intakes sharply, averting his eyes as another tear streams down his cheek. 

You reach your free hand up to cup his face, bringing him back to look at you. “Gundham...” you start, “What... what happened?” There’s a moment of silence, confusion warping his face as his eyes flick around yours. He swallows thickly as a look of realization crosses over, and he bites his lip harshly, seemingly to keep more tears from falling. It doesn’t work. 

“Y-you- you don’t recall,” it’s a statement more than a question, but you nod anyway. He squeezes his eyes shut, his hands tightening their grip on your hand as he lowers his head. “Oh, my love...” he murmurs, and you can see his shoulders jerk as he silently sobs. 

You feel dread fill the pit of your stomach as you tug him closer to you, sitting up more in order to take as much of him into your arms as you can in this position.

Hungry. You were hungry. Why were you hungry? Why didn’t you eat? 

Right, you realize as images of strawberry and grape house flash in your mind, it was a motive. What else? 

“Y-you...” Gundham suddenly speaks up, head raising to look at you with a pained expression, “You k-killed Nekomaru, Y/N.” 

...What?

A sudden image of robot Nekomaru flashes in your head, and you gasp as you watch your hand reach out to hit the button on the back of his head. You barely register the tears filling your eyes as the lump in your throat rises, making your breath hitch as the memories flood through you.

“Oh, God,” you sob, “Oh, God, Gundham I-I did kill him...” 

Then, as suddenly as your memories of Nekomaru came, come the memories of you being executed. You remember Gundham’s confused and hurt expression as you’d said goodbye to him, and a panic starts to rise in your throat. The tears overflowing from both of your eyes as he sobbed, asking you why. Why didn’t you tell him? Why did you take that risk for us? Why not him instead? 

You vividly remember the metal claw tightening around your throat. You were yanked backwards, the choking sensation overriding any fear you felt as you watched the other survivors hold Gundham back as he immediately tried to sprint after you. 

“Do not take them!” he had screamed out, sobbing as you watched him fade from view, “Not them! I volunteer, take me inst-!” 

You remember the excruciating pain from your punishment. The mashing of your body as you felt it break, as you felt the life in your form slowly drain. You vaguely remember hearing screams, sobs... whether they were yours or your classmates, you can’t tell. And then nothing. Dull, numb, soothing nothing. The strong ache in your bones suddenly makes sense, and so do the many wrappings around the visible parts of your body.

You’re brought back to the present as you feel Gundham’s lips press against the back of your hand. Refusing to meet his gaze, you hunch over into yourself, violently shaking as guilt sends sparks of emotion through your body. You sob out apologies to him, your shoulders  jerking as he quickly takes you into his arms, holding you tightly to him. “I-it’s okay, my dear,” he shakily reassures you, his breathing staggered as he tries to calm himself, "It- it’s going to be alright, now.” 

It shouldn’t be alright. You killed Nekomaru. Even if you did it to save everyone, you still killed him. You’re about to go on about how he shouldn’t be holding you, shouldn’t be crying for a murderer like you when the door slams open. You both flinch, heads snapping to the door, now hanging off of its hinges. Dread seeps into you as you watch Monokuma’s short body enter the room; you’re painfully aware of the maliciously humorous glint in his eyes, and if he could smile, you’re sure he would be.

“Well, well, well,” he starts, and it sounds like he’s holding back a laugh as Gundham’s hold tightens, “Look who’s finally up! I gotta say, I really didn’t expect you to live through that one! Everyone out there is so-o tense wondering whether if you’re going to wake up or not... talk about a tease!” He raises a paw to scratch the back of his head innocently, “Guess I’ll have’ta try harder this time!”

You and Gundham share a panicked glance before Gundham speaks, an edge to his voice, “Listen to me, bear-” 

“Well,” Monokuma cuts him off immediately, sharp teeth gleaming as he advances towards you, leaving you clutching Gundham’s coat as he futilely moves in front of you to shield you from him, “It’s time for the thrilling sequel to our cliffhanger! For the hopefully last time, because who likes trilogies, right?” He cackles as he reaches behind him to reveal a button. The button. “Let’s give it everything we’ve got... again! It’s punishment time!” 

[blxetsi]

modern hange zoe dating headcanons

lowercase intended !

hange zoe x gn!reader

- first, their love language is definitely a mix of physical touch and verbal affirmations

- idc idc theyre the best of both worlds 🤩

- you prefer verbal affirmations over physical touch (or vice versa) ? their immediately making a mental note and showing u love with whichever one u like more

- i think they'd be a scientist or researcher ?? maybe they'd study the human body or like global warming ?? idfk but would definitely go into the science field

- also i personally love the idea of moblit and them being together 😳🤚 idk i love the idea

- but since YOU are with miss hange id like to think they stayed friends after the breakup 😌✨ theyre both mature ppl (and hot)

- moblit is always third wheeling w you guys. you and hange could be making out and he'd sit there with his iced coffee like 😐

- hange i feel is a very forgetful person, so like, dates and stuff (things made on a sort of short notice) they tend to forget about, but things like birthdays and anniversaries are NEVER forgotten

- ofc they'll make it up to you after you call them from the restaurant youve been waiting in for over an hour

- but sometimes it does hurt that they value their work so much, you love that they find joy in what they do and are dedicated, but it just feels like they prioritize work over you

- and hange understands ! and they start trying to be on time for things like that. is also constantly reassuring you at random times that they love and care about you

- also loves to spoon you. will literally wrap around you like a koala in bed. doesnt matter if its too hot and youre both immediately sweating, will trap you with their insane amount of strength and never let you go until either they wake up or you wake up begging to use the restroom

- i feel like when theyre working from home (which is everyday in a pandemic 🙄 even tho these headcanons arent really structured around pandemic modern times) they forget to eat/drink when they get reeeaaaallllyyyy into what theyre researching

- could be on the verge of discovering a new genetic mutation (idk) while also being on the verge of passing out due to dehydration

- theyll come out for dinner and be like "yknow ive been having this weird headache all day"

- "probably because you havent drank any water today"

- will stare at you like "🤨" before replying "nah i dont think so 😹"

- you have to threaten letting them starve to get them to drink some water. and as soon as they do theyre chugging three cups

- five minutes later theyre like "babe ! it worked ! youre awesome"

- lots of pet names like babe/baby, my love, my darling (in a dramatic english accent), honey, and any others that youd prefer

- has a weird love for the cartoon archer (yknow that adult show with like 10 seaons ??)

- will literally no nothing about the plot or characters, and will only put the show on for background noise while theyre doing something, but will ALWAYS recommend archer to others and say its their favourite cartoon if asked

- also loves the amazing world of gumball (you got them into it) actually watches the show and loves it, yet never thinks of it when asked "what shows should i watch ?" or "what are some shows you like ?"

- if youre like, an artist or something like that, they genuinely LOVE anything you make

- you made them a little painting ? theyre hanging it up in their apartment. you created a clay vase or something ? buying flowers to put in it rn (doesnt even take care of the flowers but yk)

- if youre having a bad day theyre dropping everything for you (unless its super important then theyre saying "how about i move my work to the bed and we can cuddle ?")

- if you need to rant theyre actively listening while trying to work. will accidentally start typing what youre saying onto their word document. ends up having to delete three whole paragraphs about that bitch at work smh 🙄🤚

- loves taking showers/ baths w you (NEVER in a sexual way though) they genuinely find it fun to wash each other's hair and stuff. if you ask them to wash your back theyre shoving their hands in your armpits and tickling you like,, mf ill fall and take us both down 😐

- definitely an ass/thighs person. doesnt matter how big or small, loves it.

- also a dish collector in their room. their room and office are in the same space, so youll find them with cups and plates on their desk where their research is supposed to be like bae,,, i think youre growing a new kind of mold 😍🦠💥

- talks so passionately abt their work and coworkers to you. theres this new intern at their job and hes the sweetest and brightest kid they know. his names armin and they speak about him SO highly

- also has a really cold nose ?? u love to kiss it bc it makes them shiver bc of the temperature difference

- has weirdly soft hands. youd think theyd be kinda rough bc of all the weird shit they touch for "science" but no. the hands are perfect

- doesnt know how to take care of things around the house (like handy stuff) so they beg levi to come over.

- he reluctantly does bc hes their friend but will nod at you as soon as he walks in and says "i hope hange isnt being too annoying today"

- immediately youll defend them and say zoe hange could never annoy you bc hange is the love of ur life and all he'll do is say "youre lucky then. i envy you."

- you and hange both know hes using his dry humour, but as punishment hange follows him around the place and annoys him even further

- also tries to convince you to get a dog at the weirdest of times ???

- itll be three in the morning and theyll just whisper in your ear "we should get a dog"

- theyre allergic to cats so if you suggest that they say "no ill die if i go near one"

- if youre allergic to dogs theyll say "okay fine a baby then"

- "how will we get one ?"

- "we'll steal it. or go looking through a dumpster"

- what did they say 😳😳⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️

- you shut down any ideas of a dog or baby for a long while after that

- loves squeezing your cheeks, and would love if you did it to them too

- will literally just sit in bed squishing them and request you do the same. so you both just sit facing each other criss crossed, squishing each others faces while giggling

- ive made this pretty long already so this is it ! but yes, they love u through and through

a/n

second headcanon babyyy !!! hope u all enjoyed !! my asks r open if u wanna request something !! (also please request something 😭😭😭 )

[losangelesvalorant]

final thoughts on games today:

Tl;dr: london is going to have Issues with a capital I, paris is fine and will be better w hanbin, boston were okay and them losing just solidifies how fucking scary and well-oiled nyxl is rather than boston being terrible. Titans, like usual, have no respect for their opponents and could be even scarier /if/ they wanted to be, valiant pops off sometimes but cant do it consistently, shock looks rusty and dallas needs to pocket decay even harder than they already are to win games.

london: i see a lot of potential in them, but until they gain confidence they’re c tier for me. They seem overcoached and lost when they aren’t unable to go through with their set plays, of which they way too many for each map. When they were able to play their game, they cycled their ults well, but were easily forced out of their comfort zone. Bernar tried his best to carry, but jmac looked lost and wasn’t able to bait nicodgh’s walls at all, that might be a problem w coordination w sanguinar for speedboost tho. babel wasn’t quick enough to get his walls out in time, though they were great when he did. Glister and highly tried their best, sanguinar seems to play very individualistically which gave london chances, but fdgod just outplayed him mostly. Once teams figure out how to play vs them they’re fucked unless the coaches move away from set plays and unless the team builds more confidence. This team is going to suffer with hero pools if they don’t fix something quick. London honestly and truly has a TON of potential, but not the coordination or confidence or coaching to utilize it.

paris: they’re gonna be scary as they get more coordinated! Can’t wait til they can run at full strength w better tanks. They made good adaptations and looked good doing it. Nicodgh’s walls were sick, nosmite looked great, fdgod is a fragger, xzi clicked heads and greyy and hyp did good too. Benbest i didnt watch. I really like what i see with this team, but we haven’t seen them at full strength so i dont feel like i have much to say about them. Definitely a dark horse for me. They should thrive with hero pools. 

nyxl: nyxl looks as dominant as ever. They’re coordinated, smart, aware, turn impossible situations around, and quickly shut down every win condition boston had before they could even execute it. Though whoru’s mei is def the weak link for me (his walls kinda suck. I think theyre just giving him stage experience here tbh. His genji slaps tho), him and sbb/nenne are a scary duo, everything that can be said abt jjonak and anamo has been said already (They are the best. They are the best. They are the best.), and mano and hotba are both doing excellently. I dont feel that this is their optimal meta, but nyxl has showed a lot of willingness to adapt to their opponents and make swaps, which i like. I’m not worried for them in hero pools, though they might stumble a bit. They’re solidly in S tier for me now

boston: This is gonna be controversial (and take this w a grain of salt cuz im plat.) but boston played better than i expected cuz im a pessimist and was expecting them to get completely rolled, and they at least showed some signs of life. They’ve clearly scrimmed a lot of different comps and looked at least vaguely competent in them, which is more than dallas valiant and london can say. They tried to go for a lot of clutches which never rly worked. they tried to adapt, but nyxl outmatched them and kinda drove them away. Axxiom and fusions were coordinated and i liked their dive, their double shield not so much. boston dps were holding their own, swimmer and myunbong were too, there’s not rly a carry on this team. axxiom i think is being slept on tho. They could definitely kite better and coordinate more, and make faster/smarter swaps, but they at least looked pretty synergized. They were clearly outmatched but they def looked better throughout the whole series than london did vs nyxl after the first 2 maps. Boston seems like a B- tier team to me, but they could be better and i do want to see them play more before im certain abt this. I’d call this a quality loss despite the scoreline

vancouver: Titans clearly didn’t prep much for this match and didn’t respect valiant as much as they should have. There’s no weak points on this team, just that all of them went for clutches they shouldn’t have and got punished for it bc they assumed valiant would be weaker than they were. Titans hate being methodical but are great when they are. When they subbed stitch in, they went for more dumb plays it seemed like, so i bet sms is the one keeping them chill. Fissure’s playing bumper style (taking space and dying for it) but quieter, which I like, bc it means they can pocket haksal harder and let twilight go for more plays. Good adaptations, great plays, great synergy, once titans got their feet under them and downloaded valiant it was over. Their dive was soooo clean. Nothing to be said about this roster that hasnt been said already (theyre the best). This is classic titans and im glad to see losing bumper hasnt completely stopped them from doing dumb shit, cuz even if it hurts me to watch its fun. They should be absolutely fine with hero pools, S tier.

valiant: Valiant only have one comp and theyre Very good at it, especially in the mirror, but theyre having trouble adapting to titans. They have very high highs and very low lows, they also try to clutch sometimes and fuck up. When the team pops off theyre sick, when they dont they… dont. Gig is a madlad. I do like that they prepped for the titan’s bap strat on lijiang and shut it down entirely, that was very good coaching, but they weren’t able to adapt to non-mirror matches after that. They might get fucked by hero pools bc they didn’t show anything successfully other than rein/dva variations, but we’ll see. I'm finding them fun to watch and I'm interested to see if they can consistently maintain their peak play. B tier, i think their weaknesses are more exploitable than boston’s but that boston would lose to them. Id compare them to hunters last year but if hunters played meta

shock: I didnt watch this match super close tbh. Shock looks strong as usual, but they stumbled far too much for my liking when they let doha and decay get value but otherwise incredibly dominant. Architect’s ana got sooooo much value as the series went on, beautiful sleeps beautiful nades beautiful nanos etc *chefs kiss.* i dont think shock prepped super hard for them, and they rly couldve adapted better on horizon and won that map, but it was overall dominant. They seemed pretty rusty honestly but theyre still good, but they should be pissed they got fullheld on horizon. I’m not going to draw any conclusions from this game when it comes to shock bc its one game and its their first game back. S tier, they’ll be fine with hero pools.

Dallas: Dallas looked way better than yesterday, when decay and doha were unleashed and it was less about taking space they were monsters. Tank play was better but not great, glad theyre not making note play rein anymore. Decay is a god and doha played around him really well and his walls were sick. When decay couldn’t play mccree and couldnt get support, there was nothing dallas could do. Gamsu… seemed a bit tilted and used ults he shouldnt have. There were also communication issues, it didnt seem like trill called some of his shatters which meant the team couldnt follow up. They weren’t able to adapt that well without set strats, and other teams will use that to their advantage. Once a team figures out how to shut down doha and decay the game is over. C tier, will struggle in hero pools

right now rankings for me go titans, nyxl shock in S tier, glads in A tier, toronto, paris, valiant, boston in B tier, dallas, london in C tier

[wyrddog]

if you want to know what my sister is like, read below

tw; transphobia, emotional abuse, borderline torture? lying, manipulation, gaslighting, rape mention, she’s just an all around trash person. i also call her a bitch a lot.

she does not care. she just thinks shes entitled that all that i have because she’s never been taught to fucking respect me. whenever i confront her about anything she brings up that she was raped as if i have some shit to do with it (which she thinks everyone around her has some shit to do with it) she’s so fucking manipulative and makes me believe shes changed and i can trust her and then i ask her as nicely as i can for her not to use my shit and she fucking explodes. it’s fucking ridiculous. she’s such a fucking abusive ass bitch. and she gets off so much on pissing me off too. she knows i hate when the tv is on and that i can hear it so clearly through the floor boards whereas when shes upstairs i cant hear anything so-- why dont you go upstairs? because you want to piss me off. shes so fucking sadistic. she’s always been like this. she gets mad at me because i hold over her head that she LIED to me MANY times growing up and made me believe things that were not factual to reality. she never wants to own up to it, has never formally apologized or recognized that its necessary to and im pretty sure has even told me she doesn’t think she needs to all because of her “prefrontal cortex not being developed at that age blah blah blah” bitch i do not g i v e a f r e s h f u c k . if a baby accidently cut my hand off, fuck, i’m gonna be pissed at the baby. is it the babys fault? no, BUT THATS MY FUCKING HAND. GET IT? YOU FUCKING BITCH? THATS MY FUCKING BRAIN YOU DESTROYED YOU FUCKING BITCH. she has done things like lock me and my friend in a fucking cage in the basement and turned the lights off, she drowned a fucking squirrel once that was trapped in a possum trap, i’d go to her really trusting and happily to dress me up and do my make up and shit and she did things like paint me as a clown or dress me as a “nerd” and take pictures of me with. shes tied me up with a leash before, shes stolen things from me before, there was a time she came home tripping on acid and kept begging me like desperately to give her this fucking perfume and saying “please” and “its her favorite scent” and all this shit and when i said no she got so fucking pissed at me. whenever i accuse her of taking something from me she gets so FUCKING MAD and tries SO FUCKING HARD to switch it around on to me. i’m so fucking done with it. also, this is most definitely NOT the first time she’s done this, i found these emails while looking for something one day and to my surprise yeah its LITERALLY nothing new;

yeah maybe i shouldn’t have told her to die by snorting ketamine but tbh shes said worse shit and has told me to kill myself many times. she also seems to think me being trans is effecting her and other people so much but tbh i think its just effecting her bc her ass wont stop fucking thinking about me, she’s fucking obsessed and i’m so fucking tired about it. 

this is fucking with my mental health so much. i was doing SO much better before i decided to move in with her. she really had me convinced that we could leave neutrally together and not fight but not. she is just so accustomed to using me as a punching bag and doesn’t feel any urgent need to change at all about it. i dont know if she’ll ever feel regret about it. i dont even know if she feels regret for the way she treats me, im in fact positive she thinks i deserve everything she fucking does to me. she makes me feel so insecure about just *being* and existing as myself. shes always shamed me for liking whatever i like, and if i like something she likes she tries to take entire credit over it and praises herself for getting me into it. i’m never a person in her eyes. i’m like a fucking npc to her basically. anything i do thats original is weird to her and anything she likes she says she got me into. i’m literally nothing outside her narration of me essentially. her abuse has effected me my entire life and has destroyed my ability to trust and socialize with other people.also her weird behavior about “owning” interests has fucked with my ability to socialize with people as well, because now i get defensive about the things i identify with and try to claim it as my own and i feel like i cant id with things other people id with. which is so fucking stupid. logically, i know that, but emotional kid me doesn’t and that person has never been healed from my sisters fucking abuse. no one has come up to me an consoled me, there was never any clear yelling or punishment towards her as far as im aware of unless they do it behind closed doors or some shit- this vile, compulsive lying, thieving, intolerant ass bitch has caused so much fucking chaos in my life and it took re living with her to finally fucking realize that again. i have even more receipts on facebook im sure but writing all of this is draining. i need to move out as soon as possible because living with her is making me incredibly suicidal.

[wongiemei]

iKON Relationship with New Girl Member

Jinhwan:

Basically, her dad

Takes care of her the most dealing with her problems

He’s the oldest and he is used to dealing with the boys’ shit so he can handle hers too

But sometimes, it can be overwhelming

The girl member would listen to him like he would for her

Whenever she gets in trouble, he would always defend her (which annoys Bin a lot)

When she’s in that *cough* time *cough*, she would be the most comfortable with him

Jinhwan wouldn’t hesitate but go to the store 2 streets down and buy her chocolate, medicine, heating packs, chips, and tampons/pads

out of all the boys, she would trust him the most

if she needs something, she would go to him first

jinhwan loves to brag about that to the boys

he also loves the fact that someone is finally shorter than him

the boys still call him short but the girl defends him saying he’s taller than her

if anything, they should call her short

the first time it happened, jinhwan almost cried bc finally someone stood up for him

whenever he’s upset or hurt by what the others said, he hides it but she can usually tell 

the only one he speaks his problems to

she experiments with makeup on him since he’s the only one who lets her

ngl, she’s actually pretty good

‘i didn’t spend 2 all-nighters watching jeffree star and james charles for nothing’

but as long as he sees that bright smile, he’s happy

i think he would be the im-never-letting-you-go type with her because he sees her as the girl he saw for the very first time

shy and innocent

and he will be damned if someone corrupts her

Yunhyeong:

if Jinhwan is her dad, he’s her mom

makes sure she does laundry, gets up early, goes to bed on time, showers before the boys

will feed and cook for the girl even when he’s tired

thinks shes the cutest little thing

but he knows that if he finds chanwoo and her are talking amongst themselves, shes gone

gets pranked on the most

the boys would use the girl to take advantage of his kindness to her for a prank

then the girl would be guilty later on and secretly tell song what theyre planning

believe it or not, yunghyeong is pretty scary when he’s mad

so she rats the others out bc she knows he wont punish her and she could watch the boys suffer

its like killing 2 birds with one stone

but really, she appreciates him

without him, she would be stuck eating delivery and ramen every night

since she rooms with him, chanwoo, and hanbin, hes always cooking something

ikonics see her a lot in his vlives and YT channel

when he went to the jungle, she was very worried

‘hyung, you’re going to get sick there! who’s going to feed me when you’re gone? you know Bin can’t cook for shit!’

‘yah! do you only see me as your chef?!’

‘what do you mean i can’t cook?!’

he looks out for her a lot

during ikontv, she was the only one excited for the mungap trip

out of all the boys, she appreciates him the most

okay, maybe she appreciates him and jinhwan the most

but, he was the one who made her feel welcome and tried the most to help her fit in and make sure she was comfortable

will never forget when he left her a tray of food at her door when she refused to leave her new room

there was a post-it note with encouraging words and she still has it to this day

just a wholesome mother-daughter relationship that will never be broken

Bobby:

oh, my baby

as i mentioned in the earlier post, he wasn’t very upset but he wasnt happy

but he wasnt upset enough to make her feel uncomfortable

bc jiwon is such a baby and so nice that he subtly helps her

over time, they build a cute relationship where he is like her older brother

steals her food all the time

‘no! song-hyung cooked that for me! Only for me!’

‘yah! it’s rude not to share with your elders!’

‘*mumbling* wdym elder. you’re practically a 5 year old’

jiwon has no mean bone in his body and you were practically an angel to him

well, when you’re not fooling around or goofing off

although he thought you wouldnt survive in iKON, he tries to help you as much as he can

even though bin is literally a big butt and gives you a hard time, jiwon helps you

like the time bin screamed at you because you couldnt get the dance right and you, being a strong woman who wouldnt let people push you around, screamed at him too

it resulted to you having a screaming match and the elders having to push you back because you were so close to punching him in the face and the youngers holding bin because he wouldnt hesitate to come at you

more on that in a sec

but you slammed the practice room shut and walked to the river to cool down

granted you were new to korea and didnt really know where you were going, you went to the place the guys took you to

bobby found you crying there and hes a very awkward little bean so it was hard for him to comfort you

since youre a girl and all

but you wrapped your arms around him and cried to his chest *cue confused and frozen bobby*

jiwon slowly wrapped his arms around you and whispered sweet nothings into your ear

since then, hes vowed to protect you bc youre basically the little sister hes wanted

B.I:

okay, lets get this bread

as i said in the beginning, he didnt like you

aT aLL

he wanted to give you a hard time bc he wanted to see how long you would last

these boys have been with him since their survival days and suddenly this girl comes in? no thanks bitch

but i think bin is just really frustrated bc he couldnt figure you out

the others, he knows like the back of his hands

but you? he doesnt know shit about you

*cue his bratty self*

we all know bin is actually a soft little puppy who needs to be protected by iKONICS and will sacrifice himself for his boys

and dont worry, he will soon come to love you too

when you locked yourself up in your room, jinhwan grabbed his ear and pulled him outside to scold him

but it resulted to bin and jinhwan arguing

‘if you dont get your shit together, we’re going to have some problems. you’re the leader arent you? then act like it’

every day you try to be nice to him but he just shrugs and sometimes even outright ignore you

but as time goes on, hanbin slowly figures you out

youre still scared of him and thinks hes a douche but you can see hes trying

he really is trying

he picks up your weird habits like unintentionally pout when you dont understand something or the tip of your nose sweating when youre nervous

before, he used to not ask for your input in any tracks but it has come to the point he would knock at your door in the ungodly time of 2 in the morning, asking if the draft is good

love scenario was your guys’ combined efforts

there will be an imagine with that^

since you came in bling bling era, he didnt really give you a lot of lines because he couldnt figure out your voice and your strengths

but now, he knows you very well too

‘yah, be careful. dont be eating a lot of that ice cream. you shouldnt even have any in the first place. youre lactose intolerant, remember?’

‘yes, bin. i think id remember if there was something wrong with me.’

there are petty little fights between you guys that used to be mean and hurtful but are now playful and downright cute

but that dreaded day of your biggest fight yet

in love scenario during bobby’s rap, there’s that fast move that even the others struggled in

but hanbin already got it nailed down bc hes a GOD

but you were struggling the most and hanbin tried to be patient and help you

it was just hard for you and you couldnt get it right

by the 100th time of him repeating it over and over again, he exploded

‘yah! how are you a dancer when you couldnt even get this right!’

you looked down ashamed while mumbling ‘sorry’

he yells again and you mess up 

AGAIN

he throws his hat down and gets up towards you

‘if you cant do it correctly, why bother with it? go home. you’re done’

jinhwan nervously puts a hand on his shoulder and goes in between them to try and difuse the situation

‘hanbin-ah. we’re having a hard time too. its not just her. the dance is just hard.’

‘i dont get we’ve done WAY harder choreo than this’

‘well, hanbin, remember. she wasnt here for that.’

‘maybe it was a mistake to put her here then. she isnt ready.’

you look up at him with flaring eyes

‘listen, you dont know anything that ive been through to get to where i am today so dont even say im not ready. YOU DONT KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME!’

everyone stayed silent, even the maknaes bc theyve never seen her lash out like that

hanbin scoffed.

‘maybe if you actually opened up yourself to us and not hide in your damn room all day’

she stomped to him and pushed him

‘no MAYBE if you pulled your head out of your ass and take the time to get to know me then maybe you would! but NO! you decide to be a little bitch and throw tantrums just bc a girl joined your group. was your ego hurt that yg sent a girl to you? that you would need someone to make sure that this group doesnt crumble to the ground? bc with the way youre acting, the guys arent here just because youre a good leader. YOURE A TYRANT! THATS ALL YOU WOULD EVER BE!’

shit

Hanbin was FURIOUS

he pushed her back and the guys held on to them

you pushed them away and sent one last hateful glare before you made your way to the door

‘but dont worry, kim hanbin. because ill send my resignation letter to yang in the morning. im not putting up with your shit any longer’

there will be a whole ass imagine about that so it will contain when yall make up

but after that, yall are so cool

his sister loves you and he might start having a ‘thing’ 

more on that in a sec

Donghyuck:

oof my baby sunshine

previously stated, he was the only one excited for your arrival

so obvs, yall are very tight

you, bob, and dong do vlives together a lot and ikonics look forward to it all the time

always cheers you up

remember that prank for ikon tv where dong literally started comforting the girl?

well, he does that to you

he knows when you start to get upset and he rubs your back

sometimes, just a hug from him makes it all better

did i mention that he gives out the warmest hugs?

ace dancers

both of you love to do covers as bonding time

whenever you can’t sleep, you just go to the other dorm and go under the covers while he sings to you

he sees you as his little sister and reminds him of his own little sister back home

btw, he loves to give you gifts

but so do you

when yall were filming ikon tv, he always picked up something that reminded him of you

like when he went shopping with bobby for their studio, he got you a little cute figurine that you still have to this day

or when you went to lotte mall for your day off and bought him a little necklace

fans get excited bc they always see matching yall have

the two of you wear the most fan gifts

like when someone gave hanbin a shirt, you snatch it and wear it

like how dong takes bobby’s clothing

yall are so cute together and fans wish they had a brother or a sister like yall

Junhoe:

this hoe

jk, but he really looks hot in this one

yes, he hated you in the beginning but once he found out similarities between you, he started tolerating you

also to him, i think he oesnt like the fact that him and the others worked so hard to get where they are and he doesnt really know what you went through to get there

junhoe has the personality that may seem very cold at first but he easily opens up to others and that causes them to open up to him

he knows the struggles you went through to be in ikon

you’re older than him by a few months and you treat him like your child

‘junhoe-ah! dont forget to take your makeup off!’

‘yah! clean your room! its like a pigsty!’

he gets annoyed with it but he knows you just look out for him

he calls you ‘noona’ with that cute ass smile if he wants something

how can you say no to that

yalls laughs are so loud and yall are just loud in general

one time, yall had a competition on who could sing louder and the guys almost banned you from the apartment complex

the neighbors weren’t happy

he always asks you for fashion advice even though you don’t have a good fashion taste

you have the habit of spoiling him of clothes and shoes

‘noona, you don’t need to do this. take them back’

‘wtf they’re from busan. i’m not about to take a train ride there to return those. keep them.’

his mom absolutely adores you

always tells you to look after him and junhoe blushing like a maniac

‘mom, i’m bigger than her. i think she’d need more protecting than me’

he turns red whenever you pinch his cheeks together 

ngl, he had a crush on you but it faded away when he saw another member having a crush on you too

hes scared of him so hed rather back off

but you love him a lot and comfort him bc hes a little baby that really needs to be looked after

Chanwoo:

fuck, so cute

at first, chanwoo ignored you and made sure you were uncomfortable

even going as far as to disrespecting you

like being rude and being un-chanwoo

lets just say yunhyeong beat it out of him

as the youngest member, you baby him the most

‘oh, my little baby!’

initially, he was uncomfortable with it 

but now, he lives for it

pouts when you give another member too much attention

teases you about your short height all the time

helps you grocery shop mainly for him to carry the bags

‘dont worry, noona. im strong’

you find out that chanwoo actually joined the group last and had a hard time fitting in

you used this to your advantage to get closer to him with your similar situations

‘you know, being in an unfamiliar environment is hard. but having someone who understands your feelings makes it easier’

and he just looks up to you with those big brown eyes and you just melt

gamer buddies

love to go to pc cafes even though yall have your own respective computers at home

only goes for the food

always calls him when you’re stuck in one level

*cute Hanbin’s voice*

‘CHANWOO-YAH!!!! JUNG CHANWOO!!!’

even though he might act like a bitch sometimes, hes actually so soft and cute

hes your little baby and will always be your little baby even though yall are like 80

[etherealskeletons]

i was cleaning up my email and deleting some of my old cringe ass accounts from when i was a kid [like my old deviantart & crunchyroll] today and ohf child me was such a weaboo ass cringefest

i also found old emails and roleplays i had with R. they were terrible, but what do you expect from a couple of fuckin weebs. it made me feel kinda nostalgic at first, but then i was filled with dread and i have this sick feeling in my body i hate it

i know i shouldnt have read any of them bc i KNOW they woulda made me sad, but i guess im a glutton for punishment! everything about it just made me sad bc fuck dude we were jus dumb kids and then we turned into teens and thats when things started to get really fucking heavy and reading it all just made me remember everything we went through and now im jus sitting here like :/

sometimes i wonder what my life woulda been like if we stayed together, or at the very least stayed friends. on my really bad days where i feel like im trapped and i feel like my life has no meaning or direction, i think sticking myself to her side woulda been great! because i remember all the promises she made me. but everytime i slip in that mindset i have to take a step back and remind myself that it wouldve been really really bad;

it wouldve been filled with empty promises and i wouldve been absolutely isolated since she didnt like me having any friends that she didnt approve of, and she didnt approve of me being friends with anyone because she hated anyone liking me - if anyone said i love you to me, even in a friendly manner, i guess that meant i was fuckin them and id be banned from seeing them. any friends id make would instantly go away because shed literally threaten them with a hatchet and told them if they spoke to me shed cut them. jesus christ even family members couldnt say i love you to me without her accusing me of fucking them

anything i was excited about was stupid and meaningless, short haircuts made me look obese and disgusting so i had to have long hair and be ultra feminine because its what she likes and i didnt wanna be seen as disgusting or fat because of my ED and body dysmorphia and also because i wanted to please her, if my attention wasnt always on her she would get pissed and extremely needy/clingy, she would touch me inappropriately in front of others even if i said no shed just do it anyway because i guess i made her horny and i dont have rights. god she even cheated on me multiple times with a guy who i guess was just like me but he had a dick and wouldnt stop talking to me about how great he is and how hes basically my replacement when im not around and how i shouldnt get pissed off about it bc he REALLY IS just me with a dick!! i guess i shouldve been honored, or smth, idk. shed have her friends harass me on multiple platforms [cellphone, email, etc.] if i was mad at her to stop being mad at her bc were soooo good together and im being a selfish fucking asshole for not liking getting cheated on or for not wanting to get molested in front of her friends

even when we tried being friends she would still act like this. she was extremely possessive and would try to get in the middle of every relationship i would try to have with other people because she couldnt, or wouldnt, get out of this mindset of i belong to her and her only.

i have to keep reminding myself that she never really cared about me. our entire relationship was abuse. it was shitty, it was bad, and i shouldnt be thinking “but what if it wasnt as bad as i remember” or “what if it didnt turn out like i thought” because it was that bad and it wouldve continued being that bad, maybe it wouldve gotten worse if i stayed

[misas-biggest-fan]

hey! do u have any ocs?? bc id love to see them! (idk if u posted abt them before but i just wanted to know bc i love ocs and hearing abt them lol)

;lakjdf oh you are SO KIND to ask me abt myocs a;sldk tysm !!!!!!

So I write a lot of monster stories. I lovehorror and I love love love monsters. I also write a lot of film bc that’s sortof my dream media.

Ill put my art under a cut bc it’s non-dn!!

One of my all time fav ocs is this ghosthunter (whos name rn is tba only bc I gave her that name in the first place bcI was jealous and wished id had it but now that im like ‘dang dude its been along time you HAVE to pick a name at SOME point’ im realizing that maybe the namesI gave characters bc I wished they were mine is like……… maybe a hint towardswhat names I want…… LOL so if I do end up picking this name ill have to ctrl Fall my scripts and notes for her to switch it out. it’s a v masc name.) ANYWAY we’ll call herGhosthunter. She’s the host of this this TV show where she finds and kills ghosts with herfriend, Maurice. However, bc of backstory reasons, she wants Ghost Powers soshe selfishly tricks Maurice into going into this rly dangerous haunted housewith her to provoke this monster that she thinks will give her powers. And itdoes!! BUT there’s a downside bc she walked into it’s trap and it’s going totry to eat her now. Her ghost powers look like this and she can mostly switchback and forth at will (ps, this is old art ;alskdj)

So anyway she has to travel around trying tolearn enough abt this creature to kill it while at the same time trying to keepher TV show on the air, salvage her relationship with Maurice, and deal withthe Backstory Reasons of why she felt she had to become a monster in thefirst place. It’s a TV series, it’s going to have 13 episodes (bc oooo scary 13 LOL), and my hope isthat it gets increasingly more intense and terrifying as it goes on!! I alsolove this bc it gives me this opportunity to explore things like fear of selfand also to design just like, as many monsters as possible for every episode. I’ve got thiscockroach doctor one a;lskd OH its good, he’s SO so scary I love him. (ps shesaroace!!)

Another oc im OBSESSED with is Marty. Thisone is a movie. (ive tried everything, I tried prose, I triedserialized episodes, nothing else rly seemed to fit. But that’s ok bc I need agood feature film script to throw around!!) Marty’s actually a demon!! But he’svery ordinary, very sweet, he’s just also, you know, a demon. He’s indirectlyresponsible for the death of this man, Quentin Green, who he had been secretlylow key stalking and really, really liked. So he possesses him an in attempt totry to keep him alive. It doesn’t work and Quentin dies and then it’s justMarty and this empty body. So he just….. Keeps it. (which is a questionabledecision of course.) BUT TWIST Quentin was an EXORCIST. And all his FRIENDS AREEXORCISTS. So Marty’s trying to keep this body in an attempt to have a life,but he’s also trying to hide from Quentin’s partner, Charlise, who is one of thebest exorcists there is. But it’s complicated bc he becomes friends withCharlise and feels like she’s one of the only people to ever really understandhim bc of some Backstory Reasons.

This one is less scary per se, but it issuper cool and fun and writing marty is like honestly a blast. this is him and charlise in the background!! again, oldish art ;laisd;asdlk

i dont have any super new art of my OCs rn bc ive been REAL focused on dn art for the past like almost year LOL but i am still writing them!!! ive got a few episodes of my ghost hunter one and im on my like 3rd-ish draft of my marty movie. ive got more OCs technically of course but most of them are for very short works. these two are closest to my heart!!

(i also feel like my version of A, Able, fallsunder this category, but I do plan on making them a little intro post one ofthese days, so just keep in mind that they’re here bless their stupid littleheart. Also, not rly related, but I decided to lift them and use them as wellfor another short horror story im writing. They have to escape this monster thatcrawls out of the walls and strangles them in their sleep every night aspunishment for accidentally doing/saying certain things during the day. It’svery scary and I like my monster design for this one, too. ;alksdj poor ableLOL)

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ASKING i love talking abt these characters!!!!!! maybe once i have do some newer art that’s like, presentable, i’ll share some of it :D

[bufanzi]

QIN COMPLIATION

( left to right: bu fan, yue yue, xiao yu, ling chao, mu ziyang, bowen)

Yue yue

his real name is yue minghui 岳明辉 !! (92-liner) 

nicknames include 老岳 (lao yue; old yue) & 岳叔 (yue shu; uncle yue) & 中年岳 (middle-aged yue) . PLS LET YUE YUE LIVE. 

used the name 岳岳 as a stage name bc of the way it sounds & its easier for people to remember ; PINKRAY

he went by the name joey yue while studying overseas lmao

有背景有文化的团长 （ A leader with sophiscated background and culture )

Cold city boy from beijing

Engineering student!!! from Nanjing University of Aeronautics & did masters in glasgow uni!!!!!! V v v smart!!!

Great english, British accent sorta ( listen to him speak x x )

HAS A CUTE FANG TOOTH

Will trade fatty meat for lean meat if u ask

TATTOOS (I THINK THERE’S A WOLF ONE, THE ONE W AN ANCHOR+OCTOPUS not sure though :c not enough HD pics to verify ;;)

Basketballlll

Wants to collab w eminem one day

Looks up to eminem, dr dre & ice cube

STEALS MU ZIYANG’S CLOTHES VERY OFTEN (there was this vid once when yue yue was choosing btwn 5 outfits and mu ziyang was like “can u at least put one of ur own outfits in the 5”)

Voted as naggy lmao (was asked by mu ziyang whether 1 ton of iron or 1 ton of cotton is heavier, and he talked to ziyang about it for 2 hrs about the question isn’t logical cause the experiment must be held in the same conditions, the air etc etc)

His hair is a birds nest & cannot be maintained + he uses the company’s hair dryer (which actually belongs to ling chao) to do his hair

Likes to eat everything, not picky with food :”) 

THE ONE THAT ALWAYS STEALS FOOD FROM OTHERS. 

DRAMA QUEEN 

became bufan’s “woman” in IP aft the gang initiation LOL

yue likes to have clothes with holes in weird places, so i think that’s why he always wears ziyangs’s clothes 

his underwear is still outside the window ledge/roof on their old qin dorm c: 

can drive!!! has a car!!!! drives a honda w a super cool license plate number ahah 

lmao wanted to set up an emergency fund for the himself and the boys because they are always getting their salary deducted HAHAH (+ it was said that ling chao has the most money bc he listens the best and is always on time)

plays the guitar!!! 

has a tentacle fetish lmao 

initially his dad wasn’t supportive of him becoming a trainee so he secretly went to idol producer without his dad’s knowledge (his dad didn’t even know what he was doing at qin ent) but rn his dad rlly supports him!! 

yue yue’s fans call themselves 岳妻 (yue yue’s wife) 

Mu ziyang

PROFESSIONAL MODEL

His real name is li zhenyang 李振洋 (94-liner) 

his stage name 木子洋 is cause his surname 李 is formed from 木子 then they added the 洋 ; KWIN

Fans call him 小懂事 ( which means something like a sensible kid )  

Walked in milan fashion week!!!!!! WALKED FOR MANY BRANDS!!!! THIS KING

FANS CALL HIM QIN’S CLOSET/SPONSOR :”)

Also said he managed to walk for the show that he most wanted to!!!!

WENT TO THE SAME SCHOOL AS BUFAN (Beijing Institute of Fashion Technology) (and was schoolmates with dong yanlei) 

Scared of ghosts cause his mum used to tell him that ghosts will snatch him away if he misbehaves

says he isn’t of haunted houses, but then asks ling chao to hug him tightly when walking though it lmao

SCARED OF CRABS BC HE THINKS THEY ARE UGLY (this idiot lmao)

he’s scared of everything :)

PAID BUFAN 50 YUAN TO FEED HIM CRABS

LIKES TO DO “BUSINESS” ie trade stuff with ling chao so that ling chao will do his bidding

Rlly sad but mu ziyang got srsly sick during ip first evals and had to do iv drips until his hands were all bruised cause of the needle marks :c

Lmao this idiot thinks 3/6 > 3/5

wants to work with Leonardo DiCaprio

he can’t stand people sitting on his bed

“It’s not that the pyjamas are expensive, I’m expensive” 

Sang 越战越勇 on before!! 

lowkey was upset he didn’t get balloons on his birthday while yue yue got a wall of happy birthday + star balloons HAHAHA

roommates with yue in the qin dorm

threw yue’s underwear out the window bc yue forced it over his head :”) & its stuck right outside the roof at their old dorm

bought a tank for loaches/mudfish & only realised that it wasn’t meant for fishes after putting the decorations and water in it... 

apparently has a driving license 

once while driving a motorcycle, the battery died & he used a strangers phone to call yue yue. then yue yue had to come pick him up with his car. since he had the motorcycle, ziyang sat on the motorcycle and held on to the car handle & they drove back like that lmao

can play the piano!!!

THE ONE THAT DISSES LING CHAO 

THERE WAS THIS ONCE POST ON DOUBAN where mu ziyang bought ALL the buns from the convenience store & zhu xingjie came a while later and wast stuck at the store cause he had to wait until the next batch was ready lmao

Had a huge knee surgery during his trainee period :c (the boys also visited him in the hospital) + also sad bc qin3 went for a huge seafood feast at home when mu ziyang was stuck eating hospital food

before leaving the dorms he went with ling chao to the convenience store to buy food bc he says ling chao is kinda picky with his food so he doesn’t eat much & he isnt’t able to take care of him anymore now that he’s eliminated so he used up all his remaining money to buy food for him

after being eliminated, he and yue yue went to play HAHAHA

Bu fan

his real name is bu fanfan 卜凡凡 (96-liner)

the boys call him 凡子 (fan zi), where 凡 is from his name and 子 is a term of endearment :”) 

used bu fan as a stage name because he thinks bu fanfan is too cute lol; KATTO (PRONOUNCED AS KA-TOO)

192cm 对 cant play basketball though

LOVES DOGS, HUSKY

ACTUALLY DIDNT GRAD FRM SCHOOL YET :c he said his parents are pushing him to continue to study but nonetheless support him as an idol

HAS AN OLDER BROTHER (10 YEARS AGE GAP)

CLINGY

LOVES TO CRY ( crise a lot when doing stretching)

Voted most scared of pain

Once got caught eating a melon & got punished :c (+ he always steals melon from the fridge & doesn’t even close the refrigerator door afterwards...) 

Always late for work apparently until there’s no more salary to be detected

HIS ACTUAL MINK JACKET IS ACTUALLY JUST A BATHROBE

apparently owes ziyang money & gave him a rap perf for money lol

Once helped an old auntie neighbour buy a new phone bc hers was old and was about to spoil 

When asked if he likes girls with short hair or long hair, this boy said he doesn’t like any & likes computers instead lmao

He can’t stand low qualiy movies, it has to be in HD

when he becomes rich and successful, he’s going to help the manager xiao yu do some intense stretching lmao 

“ everytime bufan goes to the subway, the authorities will always check his ID ” - yueyue 

Has a wall of demoralising quotes back at the qin dorm ( iconic quotes include: “being ugly is a disease” & “the reason why you drink chicken soup is because other people have already ate the meat” & “all roads lead to rome, but some people are born in rome” )

“ 家爆脸 ”- zhou yanchen

HIGHKEY LOVES YUEYUE A LOT this sweet child tried his best to protect yue’s cake from being eaten cause he wanted yue to take a photo with it first ( in qin ent, it was said that the only way they get food is to snatch from others, so that cake was NOT safe with mu ziyang and ling chao around )

MORE INSTANCES OF HIS LOVE FOR YUEYUE, HE WILL BITE YOUR HEAD OFF IF U DISS HIS YUE :”) just look at bufan getting triggered when zhou rui mentioned about yue’s eye wrinkles

Also, he called yue yue disgusting cause yue yue didn’t come back at night & went to sleep in another trainees room ( he’s jealous )

Leader of a gang (current known members include ( xiao gui, fan chengcheng, yue yue & xu shengen) 

got tricked to eat a sichuan chilli by yue yue poor thing

KING OF SEAFOOD 

once a deliveryman misread his name as 小凡凡 (xiao fanfan) instead of 卜凡凡 (bu fanfan), then got dissed by the mu ziyang saying “omg why do u call yourself that” 

I think bufan has a habit of saying the word 对 (dui) after a sentence, its pretty cute :”)

according to ziyang, bu fan thinks he’s the smartest in the group 

has a habit of calling people 宝宝 (baobao) & 宝贝 (baobei) which means baby/babe

outed yue yue as the only one that wears mu ziyang’s clothes (when asked if mzy was really qin’s closet, he said that our group has 4 people, ling chao and I never wear mzy’s clothes)

Ling chao

His real name is li yingchao 李英超 (01-liner)

his stage name came about bc if u say his real name really fast ‘李英 (li ying) will sound like 灵 (ling) ; DIDI (lmao when he’s old he’s still going to be called didi)

call him 弟弟 (di di; little brother) or  小王子 (little prince)

Loves his candies & would probably fight u for it

Hides candies in so many diff places/compartments lmao

got a toothache bc of said candy

sings really well!!!! 

SAYS HIS FAV CELEBRITY IS 黄晓明 (& angelababy)

HAS A YOUNGER SISTER BUT THINKS HE’S STILL THE PRETTIEST IN THE FAMILY

Receives the most love from the other boys :”) ( they have a rule where the plate with the most meat goes to him )

roommates with bu fanfan

Always seen with mu ziyang ( the true otp )

Doesnt like meat with fats

CAN DO SPLITS!!!!!!! & ALSO SPLITS WHILE DOING A HEADSTAND

HAS THE NICEST LOOKING EYES

is an idiot. he went to a korean restaurant & told ziyang that the “spicy cabbage” wasn’t tasty and he preferred kimchi instead. BUT THEY ARE THE SAME THING. 

he likes white roses

likes cats!! 

likes to scare chickens (& got scolded for it)

during break time, he has to memorise Chinese vocabulary ( and is taught by the company’s ceo!!!!!!)

i think he sticks with ziyang the most! ;; (obvs they are the superior ship)

BROUGHT ZIYANG TO SEE THE TALKING TRASH BIN JUST TO MAKE ZIYANG SCARED. 

shittiest luck HAHAHA (bufan+lingchao team and yueyue+ziyang team had to draw lots to see who gets to sleep in the room and who sleeps outside in the living room, and ling chao always loses)

GETS DISSED FOR HAVING NARROW SHOULDERS 

printed his own picture on a pillow then said it was “given by fans” 

had a writer/blogger/reviewer kind of site where he wrote stuff 

looks up to xukun and zhangjing the most in ip!

 “ if your 3 qin brothers become a girl, who would be your older sister, younger sister and girlfriend? ” LING CHAO: NONE BECAUSE ALL OF THEM ARE UGLY

GETS HIT BY ZIYANG A LOT LMAO 

ling chao’s fans are called 糖精 (tang jing; candy spirit) because of his love for candy

小于 (xiao yu)

BC221’s manager!!!!!!!!! (Also helps then stretch)

very sassy & playful

older than all of the qin boys ; had to work for 4 years before attending university

he’s almost always the camera man for bc221′s trainee life videos!!!! (its either him or bowen)

Came off as a little mean in the video where the boys were stretching :c but honestly he just rlly wants the best for them

Stays with the boys in their qin dorm!!!!!!

Went to the same university with mu ziyang!!! (& says mu ziyang stole his snacks, face masks, shoes, clothes, socks etc); they probably graduated the same time cause they were classmates! 

Sometimes ppl call him 小鱼 (yu) ( word play; means little fish ) & mu ziyang called him 热带鱼 (tropical fish)

When yue yue got in trouble for playing computer games, he called xiao yu handsome and he laughed & immediately stop scolding yue yue LOL

yueyue likes to diss him lmao 

Gives ling chao sweets!!! (doesn’t give bufan and yueyue bc they apparently dont listen to him lmao) 

said to bufan : “IS BEING TALL EVERYTHING??? HUH???”

“we always get scolded by our manager, the first day would pass by normally but then on the 2nd day we would get scolded” - yueyue & bufan

“excuse you? what was that about your manager scolding you everyday? its called a heart to heart talk” 

a fan sent pig feed to the company & he said he was going to save it to give to the boys as a birthday present

WROTE MU ZIYANG IS THE UGLIEST AND LEFT IT FOR ZIYANG TO FIND 

yue yue calls him 小于帅 a lot. 

followed yue yue to his home to visit lao yue’s mum :”) helped yue yue carried the luggage up the stairs

went Thailand with yue yue and mu ziyang after eliminations!

got dragged by bu fan into the toilet  (bu fan said it was xiao yu that pushed him inside but there’s video evidence HAHAHA)

Sadly no longer part of QIN’s entertainment anymore

博文 (Bowen)

lives with the boys apparently

Shorter than the qin4 and xiao yu ahaha if you see the video angle being lower compared to others, then its bowen filming (fans call it the girlfriend angle lmao) 

I think he’s qin’s video editor/photographer!

currently now part of qin’s one man subbing team rip bowen

passive aggressively posting on weibo whenever xiao yu posts updates on their Thailand adventure bc they didn’t bring him along hahahah

he has a cat called 棉裤 (cotton pants), mu ziyang hates this cat because 棉裤 always climbs on his bed

[meanae]

The luo trademark case.- sources

Its a reply to some people in the recast forums. I've shortened their statements, but that's basically what they said/asked.

I don't believe luo owns these trademarks now.

The trademarks ARE registered to Luo, some of them are even validated (sources below). Yes, its ridiculous that these companies haven't filled the trademarks for themself the moment they got into business (like any european/american company would do), yes that was a stupid idea, but that doesn't change the fact that Luo now is doing something that has to be illegal (Stealing someone else work, then getting their trademark for yourself to boot them off the market? Come on. Not even a chinese judge would speak in their favour.).

Why are loongsoul, spiritdoll and dollzone involved? Aren't they Chinese companies?

Loongsoul, Dollzone/Dollchateau and Spiritdoll are chinese companies, and the DO have their trademarks for themself since a couple of years. Most companies that are currently affected are korean companies - the chinese companies are helping the korean ones out, because the whole thing IS affecting the BJD community as a whole.

China doesn't care about copyright, they won't care if someone holds a trademark.

Yes, the chinese don't really care for copyright or trademarks, but saying "well if no one's looking its okay if they do something illegal" is like saying "its okay to steal from other people, everybody is doing it". And its NOT. okay. Its especially not okay because Luo even tries to get the trademarks for european companies (Lillycat for example) - thats not just a punch in the face for recasting her dolls, thats far, far worse.

It's about fucking dolls, there's far worse out there!

People have gone to jail for far less than 'fucking dolls' - like spreading movies on internet platforms (copyright infringement) or selling software they don't own (same) or selling hack/cheats for other games (same). Just because there are worse things that copying dolls doesn't mean that a comparatively 'small' evil like this shouldn't be punished.

Why did they noticed it now, and not earlier?

Again, they're korean companies, and checking the status of your trademark in China isn't something you do every few weeks, especially if you've never applied one yourself. Thats like googling yourself the first time and finding a ton of negative confessions/feedback about something that could have been easily rectified a few months ago, but since you didn't know about them, you didn't do anything. Same problem here.

I still don't believe it. There aren't any sources! Antis are making this up to hate us even more.

I really don't know how you can say you need more information. What do you want? The companies are working on it, they have, by far, better things to do than keep the western part of the community up to date on everything they're now doing. The fact is that they ARE doing something, that they're working together, and that they know that the community is worried.

Sources.

F15dolls and puffypuffers on Instagram. Kudos to them bringing the whole thing to the western community.

ADoll (whos working together with the affected companies) weibo page:

https://www.weibo.com/adollshop?is_hot=1#_loginLayer_1524822499316

First post translated, 25.4., 10:56:

Regarding the malicious registration of pirates by pirate traders, Wadao has been watching and following up since yesterday.

At present, Wadao has communicated with the agency that owns the agency rights. At the same time, it began to look for experts and lawyers in related fields to consult with them and strive to take effective actions as soon as possible to cope with the current situation. (At present, it is planned to focus on dealing with the industrial and commercial registration part, raise objections to the publicity period, invalid registration of successfully registered applications, and register their own trademarks as soon as possible to enhance self-protection.)

If there are other parents who share common aspirations or have relevant professional knowledge, please feel free to contact us. Although there are many issues that cannot be answered promptly, there is definitely a response from Nakajima.

The trademark is also misappropriated.

Then, 25.4 .,18:23:

So far, it has been determined that Doll Heart will unite with ADoll to solve the problem: dearmine, nine9, scretdoll, cocoriang, chicabi, ttya, kukuclara, lati....

Last, 26.4., 7:50:

Fl fan group: fairyland will not forget, ADoll main agent brand, Fairyland will be responsible for the trademark [fuel] @ Doll Island Adoll: So far determined to unite with fairyland community together to solve the club : dearmine,nine9,scretdoll,cocoriang,chicabi,ttya,kukuclara,lati....Hope that Korean businessmen are getting more and more inflated...

(I translated the texts with Google, sorry for any mistakes)

Some links for trademark offices:

Chinese Trademark Office: https://www.chinatrademarkoffice.com/index.php?c=tdsearch&m=owner&owner=%E7%BD%97%E7%A4%BC%E8%B4%B5&IntCls=&per_page=

(example for a successfully registered trademark: https://www.chinatrademarkoffice.com/index.php/search/xbshow/22229970/28/1)

China Trademark Owner search: http://tmsearch.cn/trademark-owner-search-china/%E7%BD%97%E7%A4%BC%E8%B4%B5

WIPO Database (go to search by, names, holder and type in luo ligui): http://www.wipo.int/branddb/en/

The files Luo gave to the trademark office in the US:

For fairyland (make sure to click on the specimesn tab in the top left to go through the pictures...):

http://tsdr.uspto.gov/documentviewer?caseId=sn87758043&docId=SPE20180120081603#docIndex=0&page=1

For Iplehouse: http://tsdr.uspto.gov/documentviewer?caseId=sn87758057&docId=DSC20180130121545#docIndex=1&page=1

for Dollshe: http://tsdr.uspto.gov/documentviewer?caseId=sn87758034&docId=DRW20180120081506#docIndex=0&page=1

Luts statement on the whole thing:

http://dec712241.gdreamweb.com/board/view.php?board_name=DREAMBOARD4&choose2&choose1&pagenow=1&CB&ID=675

[limesub04-blog]

I only have words left

Always awkward, scared to death of everyone and just wanting to crawl out of my skin in every social situation. I started smoking pot and dating my classmate’s older brother in 8th grade. I was forbidden to see my tattooed, pierced man with whom I shared a love of sublime, red hot chili peppers, Ramones, counting crows, cake, bush and on and on. When I refused to give him up, i ran away from Tulsa ok to Denver co. With him. I was found and shackled and awaited my father and his punishment. I was sent away…..to the wilderness (sagewalk). I was hiking every day with a 75lb pack for 86 days in the mountains just outside of bend Oregon. I was 16. On the blindfolded 2 hour drive into the mountains I was asked if there was anything I wanted to hear before I began my trek. I said swiftly, SUBLIME! They laughed and told me I was too young to listen to that, but did play Santeria for me, although I would rather have heard steppin razor. After those crazy ass three months wherein I spent my 17 bday, my father sent me to an all girls boarding school. A cruel joke, as I didn’t get along with girls very well. I’ve had 3 friends who are girls in my life. Anyway, I was sent away for a total of nine months. A residential treatment facility from which I ran away jumped on a train and ended up in a holding cell, another wilderness program (ascent) and the fore mentioned places. When I got back to Tulsa, I was pregnant by my love within three months. We must have bought 50 pregnancy tests. So I had my son and made a go of a family with this guy. It didn��t work out for reasons I’m sure he would appreciate me omitting. When my son was about 5 or so I was hit by a car while walking, resulting in 4 back surgeries, one every year for 4 years. I got hooked on the oxy, started shooting then graduated to heroine. After several years of addict life my son was taken from me. I went to rehab, walked out the door and hitchhiked home (a two hour ride) with these guys I promised a hundred bucks to but upon arrival, ditched and met up with my dealer for a front. Two days later, my cousin offered to take me back to rehab, so we loaded up and smoked kind all the way and I completed the 60 day program. I came home and relapsed within 48 hours. A bit later, I tried again at another facility with success. Id like to be able to say I haven’t done anything since then, but it’s not so. My father has a lot of money and clout and still has guardianship of my son. I’m working toward getting it terminated, have been for 6 years now. I finally started moving forward, having attained a CNA certification and trying to get all the pieces to fit together all at the same time….all while being bipolar with a panic disorder. So that’s the synopsis. Now that I have settled down somewhat, I’ve had a little time here and there to discover current music that maybe I don’t hate. I didn’t dislike AAR but didn’t have an affinity for you either. Now, I’m jammin to something made after 1996. I’ve also discovered Law. I feel like such a fuck stick bc Bradley Nowell’s son Jakob has been putting music out there sounding SO much like his dad and I’m just now hearing it!!!! I’ve been admittedly disappointed with Long Beach dub allstars, short bus and sublime with Rome, but now, Jakob…. sublime lives on!!!!!! The artwork I used to do paintings and charcoal I gave away. Several to friends, a couple Dali replicas to teachers in boarding school, so I don’t have any of that to share and journals and poetry are abundant and difficult to sift through. In summation, I guess I’m trying to say, I haven’t had the time I’ve needed to find and love music beyond my 70’s to 90’s interest, and now that I do, I really appreciate your very obvious deep appreciation for music and incredible talent. Thank you for sharing it with the world. Oh ya, I may just be over analyzing as I do but it seems almost all of your songs seem to have two meanings, or some songs, anyway, you get one message from it when really it’s something so different. Like dirty little secret for example. Most would probably assume it’s about a dude keeping a girl a “dirty little secret” while really its about not being made to feel as though you can’t have things to yourself good bad or indifferent. Just my interpretation though. As I struggle to stay clean, work, get my 12 year old back full time and save for a home, I have a new band to carry me on my way thanks to you guys. I know you’ve been around for a while now so I’m sorry to you I’ve not been listening all this time, but honestly more sorry that I haven’t had you all this time. Music gets me through. It’s the only thing that can light my soul up and fill my whole body with euphoria (beside the things I can no longer do 😜). I know I didn’t submit my artwork, poetry, photos or other media, words are what I have.

[stuntchica]

i just keep getting so angry about hospital so im going to try and write down everything bad i can remember them doing to try and get it all out

when they first came to my house dr d completely waved off what i said abt not remembering childhood & being disturbed by that. he asked me to name a childhood toy & after i could he said ‘see, you can remember’ even though id literally seen that toy that morning & was remembering from,, you know,, my whole life not just my childhood

despite the fact that i was not a danger to myself or anyone else, dr d decided after seeing me for 20 minutes that i had to go into hospital. he said i could either come informally myself or he would have me sectioned

i was not told how long i would be there for. we were told to bring an overnight bag so i expected it to just be overnight. when i got there i was told that i’d be there for at least 2 weeks

when they first gave me the menu to order off i wasnt told that there was a Rule that i had to finish everything so i ordered the thing i thought id like the most even tho i knew there was stuff i wouldnt like with it

when the food arrived (pizza, peas & chips) i ate everything except the cheese on the pizza bc it was cheddar & thats a Bad Food(tm) & i was really proud of myself bc it was more than i’d had in one sitting for weeks. the exact words the nurse with me said were ‘this counts as a failure’

when the snack time came around no one told me the full list of options (weeks later i found out that chocolate was available) so i picked a yogurt. after opening it i realised it had bits in it but i was too scared to ask for a different one bc i didnt like any of the other flavours. i ate as much as i could but i rlly couldnt stand the bits. the nurse with me told me it was another failure but another nurse in the room, thankfully, replaced her & understood what had happened

i dont remember what happened on the rest of the first day bc my abandonment fear kicked in and i got really panicked when my parents had to leave

i dont remember the rest in chronological order, but lets see

the room i was put into had a leaky toilet. it would leak all night long and due to how the bathroom was the leak echoed. it sounded like a waterfall. every time they came to fix it it would break again later that day. my shower was also broken and wouldnt turn on

i had to have a blood test on a friday but they didnt send the bloods off straight away so i had to have another one the next monday. keep in mind that i have an intense fear of needles

dr d compared me going on the internet to drug addicts waiting in line for heroine, even after i explained that it was the only way i had to avoid isolating myself & tried to explain what i actually do there

i couldnt eat a meal and was told ‘if you dont start eating we’ll have to make you’ despite the fact that i was eating when i could & if i couldnt finish a meal i was eating chocolate that was in my room. also despite the fact i was an informal patient so that was literally not possible

dr d spent hours trying to convince & guilt me into agreeing to take medication, despite the fact that was the one thing i’d always said no to (fun fact! i literally cant swallow medication. no one took me seriously when i said that either). eventually tho the psychologist spoke to him abt it & he stopped

the first 2 weeks i was there i saw no therapists. at all. because it was the easter holidays and they were away. there was nothing to do all day except watch tv, colour, & play cards. despite the fact that we were all so bored we were not taken out of the hospital or allowed access to our phones

in fact, for the entire 2 months i was there i was only taken out by staff twice. both those times happened in the same day. and were to the same place. a costa that was in the main hospital. does it even count as going out if youre just taken to a different part of the same building?

i had to stay there for 2 months while actively suicidal patients were allowed to leave before their 2 week assessments were over

even my camhs psychologist admitted that she didnt expect them to keep me for more than 2 weeks

the hospital psychologist admitted that she had no idea why dr d was insisting i stay for so long

i was told i was going to be put on a meal plan. i told them that would make me lose weight bc it would further limit how much i could eat. they didnt listen to me and blamed me when i did, in fact, lose weight

for the first month i was there no one did anything about my weight. i had to keep telling them that was my main problem and i needed help with it. after their ‘help’ hindered more than anything i regretted bringing it up

one night we found a piece of paper saying ‘i have a knife and im going to use it to self harm or kill someone’. when we all got, understandably, scared the nurses patronised us and got annoyed with us

a nurse yelled at my friend for ‘not being polite’

my friend managed to run away from the hospital twice. there were warning signs that the rest of the patients picked up on. she nearly killed herself both times

my friend found a razorblade on a seat. she was so shocked to see it there she said out loud ‘there’s a razorblade’. she said later that she regretted alerting everyone to it bc the nurses obviously took it away. we still dont know how it got there

one girl brought in a pair of scissors. no one had thought to check her bag. luckily she didnt intend to use them for anything other than arts & crafts (& cutting her hair, which is how i found out about the scissors & told her to hand them in. yeah, they didnt even notice she had scissors until i pointed them out)

one girl stole a syringe from the medical room and used it to take the supplement out of her nose tube. they didnt notice for weeks.

one week i gained some of weight. when i was happy dr d said ‘thats not really enough to be happy about’. the next week a lost less weight than i had gained. he spent half an hour telling me about how much of a failure i was

dr d tried very hard to have me diagnosed with atypical anorexia despite me consistently saying ‘i want to gain weight because i know im unhealthily underweight’ and the fact that the reason i was admitted to camhs was bc i went to the doctor for help to gain weight

my parents came to collect me to go out every day at 1:30pm. one day by 3:30pm they still werent there. i was scared something had happened because i had no phone to text them using. eventually i was told that the staff had called them to tell them not to come, and no one had told me. i had a panic attack because theyd gone behind my back and this meant i wouldnt be able to text my fp all day. the next day when i saw dr d he said ‘youre nearly 18 isnt it a bit childish to get upset over not seeing your parents for just one day?’

an ot that i saw said that i ‘put on an american accent and smiled when it was pointed out’. what really happened was she asked if i had an american accent and i smiled out of awkwardness and said ‘i speak to american people so maybe i picked it up??’ bc i didnt want her to feel awkward. if she had asked me i would have told her that i wasnt trying to put on any kind of accent

we were allowed to watch the babadook and mama but the second we suggested a film about psychosis we were told no

me and my friend got yelled at for what was on tv once

they called the police on patients, multiple times, when it was clear that no one would have reacted violently if they’d just done their jobs right

my friend cried because she knew after she left hospital she would have a criminal record. she had punched a nurse by accident while having a panic attack

i was told i could go home & was being discharged. i emptied out my room and spent a great 2 weeks at home. then we were called and i was told i had to go back for a night

dr d always had an idea in his head of what was wrong with me, and if i said anything that went against it he’d tell me that i was either lying or in denial

dr d told me off for not looking at him and said it wasnt polite

dr d told me off for crying

dr d told me off for not feeling safe with my eyes closed

dr d told another patient that she was probably not autistic bc she understood what ‘pull your socks up’ meant

despite me saying that i wanted to be assessed for asd nothing happened. they told me that they would consider me to be ‘informally autistic’ but that meant literally nothing

nurses thought that they could get me to eat by sitting next to me and guilting me

very few nurses noticed that i ate chocolate after meals because i was aware of the fact that i wasnt eating much & i wanted to change that

i had to eat chocolate after meals bc no one listened to me when i explained my food issues and that was the only way to make sure i was eating

there was what was basically a riot. i wasnt there when it happened but its easy to see how people got that upset and angry

the day after the riot everyone was punished, even those of us who hadnt even been at the hospital

my friend was shut in the ‘rumpus room’ (padded room). its illegal to do that

it took a month before someone told me i was allowed to discharge myself

i spent two months in a psychiatric hospital. it was never explained why i was there in a way i could understand. dr d literally said ‘my colleagues ask why you’re still here’ yet he didn’t discharge me. if i hadn’t turned 18 im sure i would still be there. i wasnt diagnosed with anything. it made my mental health worse

this isnt even everything because my memory of then is very patchy