#bc I have lots of feelings about psychic ability as it relates to trauma (see Ringu)

[daria-argento]

Very interested in how these two movies portray the visual horror in small bursts and fragments, like traumatic memory during overwhelm; the long takes and uneasy score that makes it feel like a nightmare; the incongruous imagery; the concept of repression of trauma/the displacement of distress on to an inanimate object that seems strangely animate…

[assortedpuzzlepieces]

Ok, I’m about to go off on a GIANT rant about a specific issue I have with John Winchester & how the show intentionally & canonically portrays him as an ableist, homophobic asshole through his portrayal by JDM, so buckle up.

For the record, this is something I’ve always believed, but after listening to podcast episodes from @otrsupernatural & Carrying Wayward, one super clear example of why has just snapped into place & I feel compelled to share it.

So I want to start by noting a couple things that stand out. First & foremost, I think JDM is an incredible actor & I think he brings his A game with his portrayal of John. John Winchester is undeniably an asshole, & yet JDM balances that so well against the idea of loving parent, to not only make the character more realistic, but also to give real authenticity & depth to the trauma his children experienced at his hands & answer why they act the way they do in regards to him as their parent.

John is someone who, on the surface, appears to be a loving and concerned father, who makes mistakes, but does so because he’s in shitty circumstances & doesn’t have a lot of options or has his own trauma to battle that limits the choices he believes he has.

However, the show also gives us other content that proves there is more to John than that caring but broken man from as early as S1 & into the beginning of S2, & this content screams the truth of his ableism & homophobia, & gives some really strong evidence as to why these are two of the primary struggles of his children through the end of the series.

To explain, we 1st have to look at characters from earlier in S1. In 1x10, Asylum, we are introduced to Dr. Ellicott. He is shown to be someone who is canonically ableist to people with MHI. He sees them as less human, he does unethical experiments on them, he tortures them, just, lots of gross stuff there. On top of that, we see him as a ghost using what appears to be electrical shocks to Sam & Dean to possess & harm them, which resembles electroshock. There are also strong echoes of conversion therapy in this episode.

After this, we have 1x12, Faith, where Sue Ann is using dark magic to attack & murder people she hates, which specifically includes a woman who was pro choice & a gay man. This not only shows that she was homophobic, but that she condemned sexual freedom & bodily autonomy for women as well, which is in relation to homophobia, as well as deeply rooted in misogyny.

So essentially, we are shown a doctor who tries to force people to be less mentally ill or queer by “curing” them, & then a woman who took it a step further & murdered them to “cleanse” the town. We are given two different, but very interwoven ways with which society has tried to get rid of queers & disabled people, & it’s not subtext, it’s literally stated.

Now, in the show, both Dr. Ellicott & Sue Ann are the villains, & while the show demonstrates their ableism & homophobia, it also clearly condemns them for those actions. They are both dead/gone by the end of the episode & their actions are shown as evil. This is SO important, especially for a show that has failed in other episodes to truly state what exactly is the problematic action in the episode (looking at you, Bugs & Route 666).

That said, if Dr. Ellicott & Sue Ann are villains, then we must also extrapolate that ableism & homophobia are intentionally being written as evil in the show, so other characters who demonstrate these actions are also bad. (Yes, I know I’m being super redundant right now, but I just want to be really damn clear on this to demonstrate why I believe John’s characterization is intentional).

Now, in 1x21, John finally “learns” about Sam’s psychic abilities, & I say that in quotes bc there’s reason to believe he knew about it already from Missouri & was just in denial until confronted with the evidence, at which point he has a very strong reaction. As Ali pointed out, it’s interesting that he has such a strong negative reaction, as he clearly doesn’t have an issue with Missouri as a psychic, & yet he’s upset about Sam being one. He demonstrates the mindset of “othering” people outside of his family, which is a common treatment of both people w/ MHI & queer people - the mentality that “those people” are fine in general, but “not my son/daughter/family/me”.

So here in that episode, we are already getting an attitude from him that clearly parallels ableism & homophobia, & that is on top of other comments he made that are clearly rooted in misogyny, like his “that’s my man” to Dean in the flashback in Something Wicked This Way Comes (1x18).

THEN - the final nail in the coffin is the “secret” he tells Dean before he dies in 2x1; that Dean needs to either save Sam or stop him. By now it’s crystal clear he views Sam as something “other”, something not fully human, & his response? It’s literally “cure or cleanse”. Either make him “normal” or get rid of him.

To repeat, John LITERALLY uses ableist & homophobic language & tactics towards him son because he is different, & also tries to force Dean to do the same, passing on that legacy, by trying to erase anything about Sam thats not his personal definition of “normal”, all out of FEAR of who his son is & what he might do.

And the show CONDEMNS this behavior from the very beginning, even before we ever see him act this way!! They make it clear that ableism & homophobia are BAD, show John act that way, & then condemn him AGAIN when Dean tells Sam & it is made clear to the audience that what John asked of him was wrong.

Like… holy fuck. There is literally no way I can watch this & not believe that his characterization was not 100% intentional with him being set up as a bad person & his actions as condemnable. It’s just not narratively possible. John Winchester was intentionally written to be an asshole & we are supposed to see him as one, & any love we see from him is only meant to validate the complicated feelings Sam & Dean have towards him, not undermine the knowledge that he is a bad person. It’s literally in the text.

*Edit - Im adding a point here, since it’s been brought to my attention. John’s concern about Sam being infected with demon blood & possibly corrupted does not detract from the parallel being made between his actions & those of IRL people who are homophobic or ableist. In fact, this is another argument for that in interpretation, & here is why -

For literal thousands of years, mental illness has been viewed as demonic. People w/ MHI were thought to be possessed, evil incarnations, or even just sinfully corrupt & given to wickedness. People w/ physical disabilities were believed to be punished for moral failings, not faithful enough, etc, etc. Queer people were believed to be sexually deviant, witches, destroyers of families, etc.

These beliefs carry across many religions, but especially Christianity, & are present even today in some more extreme sects. And the people that believed these things? Well many of them were parents who “loved” their child & were trying to protect them from evil by purifying them. They too believed they had valid fears & good reasons to torture, maim, & even kill their children.

So to anyone who would argue “well it’s not the same because John had a good reason to be afraid of Sam” - shut the fuck up, because no, he didn’t.

Sam hadn’t hurt anyone. He wasn’t doing anything worth killing him over. He was a good kid who was hurt by someone outside his control & yet he only started doing anything that was truly wrong when he was pushed to it by circumstances that were again, beyond his control, & only then bc he was trying to do what was right!!

Anyone would do that, not just a kid w/ some demon blood powers. So let’s not act like he was inherently dangerous just BC he was different, bc guess what? That’s part of that mindset too. Sam was a good fucking person & John seeing him as less was John’s failing, not Sam’s.

[serenlyss]

Don’t Thank Me Yet Chapter 1

Rating: M (blood, guns, casual murder, torture, electrocution, trauma, ptsd) Pairings: Ritshou Summary: “Alright then. I’m Shou,” he says, introducing himself more properly this time. “I’m an esper, like you, the first in existence to be forcibly awoken by Claw’s crazy torture machines. They kidnap kids with potential latent psychic powers and break them, over and over, until either their powers emerge or they die. It doesn’t matter either way to them.” His expression hardens as he speaks, clear distaste and outright malice evident in his tone. “I could really use your help here, you know. A partner of sorts, someone to watch my back. What do you say?" Ritsu hesitates. He isn’t a fighter by any means, and the psychic powers now churning beneath his skin are still very new and frightening. It’s all very overwhelming, but Ritsu can’t help but feel a sort of sickening hope at Shou’s promise for revenge. It did have a sort of dark draw to it. In which Claw is a lot worse than they seem and Shigeo isn't able to find his brother after he's kidnapped. Crossposted to AO3: Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Me, writing another Ritshou fic? It's more likely than it seems.

So this is chapter one of an 8-chapter AU I've been developing for a while now. It's a lot darker and grittier than anything I've written in a while, but I have big plans for it in the future! I hope you guys like it! It does contain some heavy subject material, though, so please read the tags if you're worried about violence/injury/torture/etc. I didn't include anything horribly graphic bc I'm just not willing to write it, but I don't want anyone to have a bad experience because of it either.

On an unrelated note, I recently opened up an MP100 writing server on discord dedicated to workshopping, editing, brainstorming, and all other writing-related topics! It's open to anyone who's interested, just shoot me a message here to get a link. It's been a lot of fun so far and the people there are super friendly and fun to talk to! @soapipiadraws helped me with beta reading, thanks a bunch for all your help!

Everything hurts.

Ritsu suppresses a scream, his palms pushing with all his might against the locked door of the pod in front of him. Electricity courses through his body, sending it into frightful spasms as he fights to maintain his footing. His fingers curl against his will, scraping loudly against the thick glass facade, and he feels a few of his fingernails bend and crack under the strain of it. His legs buckle beneath him and he barely manages to keep his footing, feeling hot blood trickle out of his nose. I’m going to die here, he thinks in a panic. His back arches as another jolt of electricity runs through him, his hands clenched into fists so tightly that his nails pierce his skin and draw blood from his palms. He feels as though every nerve in his body is on fire, but the blaze is contained beneath his skin where he can’t see it, can only feel it disintegrating his bones and melting his brain until the only urge he feels is to curl up on the floor and cry. His muscles won’t let him, though, the lightning in his body making him tense up into unnatural positions and vibrate painfully.

Outside the pod, two white-clad scientists observe him, scratching notes onto clipboards. Their faces are completely devoid of emotion, uncaring if Ritsu lives or dies. One of them peers over to a screen on the front of the pod, frowning disapprovingly. “No positive readings yet. Maybe our intel was wrong, and he’s not an esper after all,” she says.

Their apathetic stares stir up an anger in Ritsu that he’s felt many times since coming to this terrible place, harsh and defiant, and he forces himself back onto his feet despite the way his muscles scream at him to stop. “Open the door, you bastards!” he shrieks, pounding at the glass with his fist. Pain shoots up his arm, and his hand cramps painfully, but the adrenaline in his blood numbs it. He can feel something pooling in the pit of his stomach, wild and pleading to be released, but he doesn’t know what. He doesn’t even care, if it can help him escape. Let me out, let me out, let me out, his mind chants over and over, his usually careful thoughts turned feral and instinctive in his obsession.

One of the scientists hums thoughtfully and reaches out to press a button beside the door of the pod. Pain rips through Ritsu’s body once more, a pain even worse than before. It steals the air from his lungs so that he can’t even scream anymore, forcing him down onto all fours. His knees crack against the hard floor of the pod, hands leaving trails of bright red blood on the inside of the glass from where he’s punctured himself. His vision goes black, eyes rolling back in his head.

I’m going to die.

His back curls until he’s hunched over himself with his forehead against the ground, tearing at his hair with his hands.

I’m going to die.

He lets loose a scream at last, long and hoarse, feels the inside of his throat tearing from the force and volume of it.

I don’t want to die!

The coiling ball of tension in his stomach snaps suddenly and then explodes. A wave of raw power surges outward, filling the pod like water until there’s nowhere else for it to go but out. The thick glass barrier keeping him contained shatters into a hundred knives, shooting away from him with deadly force. He faintly registers the screams of the scientists who had been watching him up until now, but his ears are ringing too loudly to process them. There’s blood in his mouth, metallic and sour. A wind of his own creation whips around him, tugging on the blood-stained jacket of his school uniform and ripping his bangs from his sweat-slicked forehead.

Ritsu sucks in a wet, gasping breath, a raging headache hitting him with full force. He braces himself on his hands and knees, taking choking breaths and twitching uncontrollably. The power within him continues to overflow, crashing against the walls like the waves of the ocean on a rocky shore. He digs his fingers into the cold floor of the shattered pod until he can feel his arms again, then reaches up, grasping the edge of the pod and heaving himself to his feet. Shards of glass that that cling stubbornly to it cut into his palms, but he hardly feels it, the signals not quite reaching his brain. His vision is filled with blue and purple and green, shifting hues that crackle with uncontained energy. All he can feel is anger, all he can hear is the painfully loud alarms above his head, all he can think is that he wants out, now. Above his head, the lights shatter, plunging the room into near-darkness, and the alarm nearest him cuts out entirely. Glass flies at him, ricocheting harmlessly off of his body as though he’s made of concrete instead off flesh and bone. When he can finally fill his lungs with air again, he steps out of the pod and begins to walk.

A single-minded rage fills him, emanating outward in a destructive force that blows out the windows and causes the ground beneath him to shatter with every step. His bare feet, torn to shreds from walking on broken glass, leave bloody prints behind him on the too-clean floor. He barely even notices as he walks, calmly, into a thick concrete wall.

It explodes around him, shards of it raining down upon everyone in his vicinity. He pays no mind to the people in his way, who are either frozen in place or run, screaming, from his path. Those who refuse to move are quickly disposed of, tossed away with an instinctual flick of his hand. He doesn’t even wait to see if any of them are espers, too desperate to be anywhere but here, and he doesn't look to see if they ever stand up again.

He goes through two more walls and a ten-foot chain-link fence before he finally finds himself outside of the prison he’s been held in, and even then he doesn’t stop walking until he can no longer hear the sirens and can no longer see the gray concrete building looming in the distance.

He crests the top of a hill, and only then does his brain slow down enough for him to feel the screaming pain in his injured feet and the sticky sensation of blood running down his arms. He stops, feeling his vision fuzz out temporarily as he suddenly loses the ability to take another step. Exhaustion lays on his shoulders like a tangible weight, and his mind begs for rest. His newfound powers absolutely radiate from him in a blue and purple flame, seeping from the bottoms of his feet and the tips of his fingers, but they’re weakening quickly the farther from danger he strays. Eventually they retreat back into his body, a faint glow all that remains. He teeters on his feet, his balance failing. For a scary moment he’s sure he’s going to faint, but then he hears a voice call out to him.

“Hey, you! Don’t you go dying on me!”

Ritsu’s head snaps up, a flash of fear startling him back to his senses and giving him something to focus on as he spots another boy approaching him. He catches the red of the boy’s hair and the pistol in his hand and panics, raising a hand in his direction almost on instinct. He feels his power lash out like a whip and knock the approaching boy back a few steps, though he’s quick to regain his footing. It’s such a weak attack compared to what he’d managed before, but Ritsu still finds himself drained, the well of power within him nearly dried up.

The boy raises his hands in surrender, and Ritsu notices that he keeps the gun pointed away from him. It’s slightly reassuring, but doesn’t do much overall to endear Ritsu to whatever he’s scheming.

“Whoa, tiger, no need to get violent. I’m not gonna hurt you,” the boy says, and his voice carries a tone that’s confident bordering on cocky, with an underlying layer of genuine concern. “You broke yourself out of the labs? That’s impressive, I didn’t think any of Claw’s experiments would ever actually succeed. They must have done terrible things to you, to make you like this.” His voice is laced with thinly-veiled contempt as he takes a step forward, then another, testing his boundaries.

Ritsu hesitates to lash out again, because the way he’s talking makes it sound as though he’s not affiliated with the people who had kidnapped him, and Ritsu really doesn’t want to accidentally kill someone harmless with powers he can hardly grasp. He doesn’t even know if he can manage another attack like before, anyway; his legs are shaking, begging for rest, and he can’t seem to breathe quickly or deeply enough to satisfy his burning lungs.

He swallows thickly, unsure. “Who are you?” he demands, hand still extended in case the boy decides to make a move to attack.

The boy grins at him, confident but honest. “I’m Shou. Don’t worry, I’m not with them.” He nods his head toward the concrete building in the distance. “In fact, I came here to kill them all and blow this place into the stratosphere, but it looks like you may have beaten me to it. What’s your name?”

Ritsu bites his lip, still distrusting, but he can’t sense any ill intentions from Shou, and he’s the first kid he’s met since coming to the lab who hasn’t also been kidnapped by Claw. “Ritsu,” he says after a long moment of quiet, making an ill-informed decision to at least hear the boy out. His hand falls to his side as he finds himself struggling to keep it raised.

Shou’s grin turns into a more sincere smile at hearing Ritsu’s name, his features softening some. “Well, Ritsu, you’re lucky I found you out here. You look like shit, no offence, and I’m sure you don’t want to be stuck out here wandering in the forest until you bleed out, so why don’t you come with me? I have a friend with a car who-” He cuts himself off abruptly, eyes going wide, and shouts, “Look out!”

Ritsu gasps and turns on his heel, catching sight of two white-clad Claw scientists cresting the hill behind him. He feels a surge of panic; they were going to take him back, torture him further, make him into their lab rat. I won’t go back, he thinks to himself, raising a hand. He can’t muster the power to fight back, though, and with a flash of horror he feels his knees buckle underneath him, giving way under his jerky movements. Dark spots dance at the corners of his eyes, vision turning to static as he keels backward.

He never hits the ground, though. A strong arm catches him around his shoulders before he can, and as he regains control of his vision he sees that it’s Shou. He’s rushed to Ritsu’s aid, teeth clenched in determination, and Ritsu sees him quickly lift the pistol and fire off a quick volley of shots even as Ritsu’s weight drags him down to his knees.

The scientists crumple immediately under Shou’s fire and don’t get up again.

“You alright, man?” Shou asks, helping him into a kneeling position and steadying him with a hand on his back. He slips the gun into a holster at his hip.

Ritsu shivers, despite the clear sky and mild temperatures, and feels his teeth begin to chatter. His heart is racing and his head is pounding, a potent fear sinking into his stomach and churning restlessly there. He can’t look away from the two unmoving bodies across the clearing from them. “You killed them,” he manages, breathless.

Shou puts himself between Ritsu and the toppled scientists, a stern expression on his face, but there’s concern in his eyes. He holds no visible remorse for the people he’s just shot to death. “They were gonna kill you first, you know!” he retorts, his words painfully blunt. “Calm down a bit, okay? I told you already that I’m not gonna kill you.” His gaze flicks over Ritsu’s shaking form and his distrustful gaze, and then he sighs. “Look, you’re going to be fine, okay? I can take you somewhere safe and explain what’s going on, but I need you to trust me, alright? Is that okay?”

Ritsu swallows, feeling tears sting the corner of his eyes. Everything about this situation makes him uneasy, and he knows that, logically, it would be incredibly stupid of him to agree. He knows he should refuse, should get himself far away from here. “Okay,” he whispers instead, because he doesn’t know where else he can go, has no clue where he is or how to get home, and Shou is the first person to show him even a sliver of kindness in… he doesn’t even know how long. Days, probably.

Shou grabs Ritsu by the hand and tugs his arm around his shoulders, hefting the both of them up with some difficulty. Ritsu stumbles to get his feet underneath him, and Shou must pick up on this, because he says, “Tell me if you feel like you’re going to faint, okay? I can carry you partway to the car pretty easily.”

Without thinking, Ritsu retorts, “You’re even smaller than I am.” As soon as the words are out of his mouth, he regrets them, certain that Shou is going to get annoyed and leave him behind to die after all.

Instead, Shou laughs, loud and boisterous, and tightens his grip on Ritsu’s arm. “Not with my hands, with my powers,” he reiterates in amusement, then blinks. “Ah, I guess I never used them in front of you, did I? Can you sense my aura?”

Ritsu lifts his head and squints at Shou, searching. He doesn’t know if it's because his powers are new, or because he’s exhausted beyond anything he’s ever experienced before, but he can’t feel a lick of power coming from Shou anymore. He shakes his head no.

Shou just chuckles. “That’s disappointing, but I guess it can’t be helped. Well, there’ll be time for that later,” he says.

They don’t have to walk very far before they reach the car Shou mentioned. He doesn’t have any free hands open, one of them holding tight to Ritsu’s wrist while the other supports his waist, but the door opens itself anyway, and Ritsu spots a flicker of red-orange light through his black-tinged vision. He doesn’t even have the energy to ask as Shou helps him into the back seat of the car and climbs in beside him.

“Higashio, change of plans. I’ve stumbled on quite the discovery, so we’re gonna have to book it back to HQ,” Shou commands. He uses his hand to close the door behind him, Ritsu notes.

The man called Higashio sighs loudly from the front seat, glancing up from his cell phone. He looks like he wants to argue, but he chokes on his words when he sees the injured and near-unconscious middle schooler in his back seat. He stares, wide-eyed, for a second, then swiftly turns and starts the car up. “Geez, you really do wander into the strangest situations, don’t you?” he accuses, but doesn’t hesitate to pull the car away from where he’s parked and start the drive back to their headquarters.

Ritsu feels his body thrust back and forth as they drive on what is most likely not a real road, struggling to keep his balance just sitting up. He feels like it’s been ages since he’s seen so many trees. “What day is it?” he asks suddenly.

“It’s Wednesday,” Shou replies. “They kidnapped you, right? When did you go missing?”

Ritsu’s brow furrows in thought, and after a moment he replies, “It was a Monday, after school. They attacked me on my way home from my student council meeting.” He lets his face drop into his hands, exhausted and overwhelmed. “My brother’s probably going crazy looking for me.” If his brother is even alive. If his brother hasn’t been kidnapped as well and taken somewhere else. That isn’t even taking his parents into account.

Shou reaches out and lays a hand on Ritsu’s shoulder awkwardly, clearly wanting to offer some kind of comfort despite not being very inclined toward it. “Hey, calm down, it’s gonna be okay,” he says, frowning in concern. “You should try to get some rest, alright? You’ll feel better if you do.”

Defeated and emotionally drained, Ritsu can only nod in response. He moves his head to rest against the car window, staring outside as the trees fly by in a blur. His eyes fall closed almost immediately, and he welcomes the unconsciousness that falls over him with open arms.

---

When Ritsu opens his eyes next, it’s to a dimly lit, surprisingly homey room. For a disoriented moment, he thinks that maybe he’s home, safe in his bed, that everything that had happened had just been some weird, unprecedented nightmare, but the walls are the wrong color, and it isn’t his bed he’s laying in.

“Oh, you’re awake!”

Ritsu turns his head, eyes landing on a brightly-grinning Shou. The redhead has hold of one of Ritsu’s hands and is wrapping a white bandage around his palm and between his fingers. Instinctively, Ritsu moves to jerk his hand back, but Shou keeps a steady hold of it.

“Hey, be careful, you’re gonna mess up my hard work,” Shou accuses, turning his hand this way and that as he secures and double-checks the bandages. “You were in really bad shape, you know, especially your hands. What happened?”

Ritsu reluctantly stills, resigning himself to letting Shou move him around how he pleases. “They liked hurting my hands,” he replies softly, turning his head to look at the opposite wall so Shou can’t see his face. He doesn’t want to remember the way they’d cut his skin with knives, trying to force his latent psychic powers to emerge. Some of the wounds are days old and have never been properly checked, dried blood surrounding crude scabs. “The bleeding ones were from myself, though,” he adds as an afterthought, remembering how he’d punctured his own palms in his desire to escape the pain of electrocution.

Shou hums thoughtfully, moving his attention from his hand to the scratches and wounds that cross his arm. Ritsu realizes belatedly that his other arm is already tightly wrapped in clean white bandages, as are both of his feet.

“Sick freaks, it was probably some weird obsession,” Shou scoffs. “How do you feel? You slept all the way back and didn’t wake up when I moved you, so I thought you’d sleep for the rest of the night at least.”

Ritsu doesn’t answer, just continues to stare resolutely at the wall, feeling a sudden protectiveness well within him, a desire to preserve himself. Shou chuckles. “Tough nut, huh? Well, can’t say I blame you. You’re not dead, though, so I guess that’s good enough for me. If you don’t wanna talk, then I guess I can tell you about me. It’s only fair, right?”

Ritsu relaxes some as Shou changes the topic, grateful that he’s not being made to spill his life’s story to a near-stranger. He turns to meet Shou’s gaze at last, feeling curious. His eyes are blue, of all colors, and abnormally light for someone who’s clearly grown up in Japan. Foreign blood, perhaps? “Yeah, that would be fair,” he agrees, if only because he’s dying to know why a boy who can’t be older than himself is capable of the damage he’s caused.

Shou cracks a smile at this, nodding. “Alright then. I’m Shou, in case you forgot, and I guess you could call me the leader around here,” he says, reintroducing himself more properly this time. There’s clear pride in his voice as he speaks, an air of cockiness and showmanship that come across to Ritsu as braggy, maybe even juvenile. As he speaks, he cleans away the dried blood on Ritsu’s arm with a wet cloth. “I’m an esper, like you, the first in existence to be forcibly awoken by Claw’s crazy torture machines. They kidnap kids with potential latent psychic powers and break them, over and over, until either their powers emerge or they die. It doesn’t matter either way to them.” His expression hardens as he speaks, clear distaste and outright malice evident in his tone. “They awakened me three years ago in hopes that I would become their poster boy, but they never could get a very tight grip on me. I ran away the first chance I got and never looked back. Now, I’m going door to door and blowing up as many Claw bases as I can get my hands on. Maybe if I do it enough their leader will finally acknowledge how badly he’s fucking up and call the whole thing off.” He shakes his head, sighing out, “Stupid father.”

Ritsu blinks in surprise, barely catching Shou’s last words as he spits them under his breath. He isn’t sure if they’re meant for him to hear or not, but the impact is the same nonetheless. Shou’s words say a lot more about his past than Ritsu thinks he probably wanted to divulge, too. If he’d also been awakened to his psychic powers by Claw, then he and Ritsu were the same, both victims. He looks up at the ceiling, swallowing. Those guys are really dangerous, then… he thinks to himself in alarm. The one who took me even managed to defeat my brother-

He lets out a gasp, eyes widening. “Shige! Ugh, how could I forget?” he exclaims, sitting up so fast that Shou lets out a startled yelp. “They were after my brother, not me! They mistook me for him, he might still be in danger, he-”

“Whoa, whoa, Ritsu, slow down,” Shou interrupts, standing up and gripping him by both his shoulders. “Your brother is fine. I sent a guy to stake out your house. He made it home alright after whatever fight went down on Monday and he’s not hurt. You’re parents are okay, too.” He pauses, glancing away, and Ritsu is surprised to see his expression turn remorseful. “He tried to find you, but you disappeared without a trace, at least from his side. As far as Claw knows, they succeeded in their mission in kidnapping Kageyama Shigeo and, as long as they don’t find out they got the wrong guy, they won’t go after him anymore.”

Ritsu’s expression breaks, and he lets his face drop into his hands. He doesn't even care how Shou managed to get the information on him and his family so quickly, just relieved that his brother is alright. The relief is quickly overtaken by despair, though, as he thinks of his brother frantically trying to find him and being forced to return home empty-handed to his distraught parents. “This is a nightmare,” he groans miserably. “He must be so worried… I’ve been gone for two days now.”

Shou swallows, chuckling nervously. “Well, it’s past midnight, so, uh, it’s actually more like three now,” he admits, then quickly shakes his head, grimacing. “But that’s not important. Yeah, things aren’t ideal, but everyone’s alive and mostly intact and the Claw base you came out of is smoldering ashes now so, hey, at least we have that going for us.”

Ritsu uncovers his face to fix Shou with a biting glare, annoyed. “I need to get home, I need my family to know that I’m okay,” he insists, but he can only stay angry for so long before it devolves into desperate pleading. “Please, Shou, I need to talk to them!” He reaches out and grasps Shou by both arms, desperate.

Shou sighs, releasing his grip on Ritsu and tugging himself out of his grasp. He moves back to the chair he’d set up by the bed, sitting down and leaning his elbows in his thighs. “You never slow down, do you?” he asks, raising a brow in an unimpressed manner. “Look, I know that you miss your family and that you’re worried about them, but it’s not so simple. You’re an escapee now, a fugitive. Claw won’t let you go so easily, especially now that they know you’re a successful experiment. They know where you live and where you go to school, and they can easily track you down again if you aren’t careful.” He pauses, expression softening some. “I want to take you back to your home, I really do, but it’s just not safe for you there anymore, especially if you want to protect your family, too.”

“What are you talking about?” Ritsu demands, feeling fear and confusion pooling in his stomach. “You said my family was safe!”

“And they are, at least for now,” Shou says quickly, “but that will change if Claw finds out you’ve been home, even just for a little while. If there’s any chance of your family knowing where you are, they’ll use them to find you again. It’s how they work, the bastards.” He grits his teeth in repulsion, shaking his head. “In any case, the most we can do for them for now is keep an eye on them from afar. If Claw makes a move on them, we’ll be the first ones to find out.”

Ritsu takes a shaky breath, falling silent as he processes this information. “What am I supposed to do, then? If I can’t go home, or back to school, or anywhere else until all this is solved, where am I gonna go?” he asks, quiet and broken. He misses his family already.

“Well…” Shou says, clasping his hands on his knees and leaning forward a bit. “I was hoping you might, you know, stick around for a while. It’s safe here, so you can recover from your injuries and get back on your feet. Then, I was hoping you might want to help me on my mission.” His expression goes from slightly nervous and guilty to starkly determined, obviously quite serious about the offer he’s making. “I’ll just cut to the chase, Ritsu. You’re strong, really strong. Strong enough to take out a whole Claw base by yourself, once you get some practice in. What I told you about your family and about needing to lay low is all true, but if you help me take down Claw, you can make sure for yourself that they never come after you again, you or your brother. Plus, it’ll give you plenty of chances to get your revenge.” He sits up in his seat, offering Ritsu a sly grin. “What do you say?”

Ritsu hesitates. He isn’t a fighter by any means, and the psychic powers now churning beneath his skin are still very new and frightening. It’s all very overwhelming, but Ritsu can’t help but feel a sort of sickening hope at Shou’s promise for revenge. Revenge on the people who’ve targeted his brother, revenge on the scientists who had stared at him with those apathetic eyes while they tortured him. It did have a sort of dark draw to it. “So, if I do agree to this, I’ll have to drop my whole life indefinitely? No going home, no school, nothing?”

“That’s right,” Shou says with a nod. “I’m really sorry it’s come down to this, believe me. If I could send you home right now in clear conscious, I would. I still will, if that’s what you want, but I could really use your help here, too. A partner of sorts, someone to watch my back.” He offers Ritsu a smile, small but hopeful. “I’ll watch yours too, of course. Safety in numbers and all that. Basically, I’m offering you a place to stay for the time being, a chance to get back at the people who hurt you, and a way to protect your family. I’ll even throw in some lessons to help you control your powers better. It’ll make you a more useful ally, plus it’s fun.” He grins at this, his snarky cheerfulness back in full force. “You won’t get to be as strong as me, of course, but with enough practice-”

“I’ll do it,” Ritsu interrupts, cutting Shou off mid-sentence. “I’ll join you, at least for now. The faster Claw is destroyed, the sooner I can put all this behind me.” He fixes Shou with a surprisingly fierce expression, strong and determined and angry. “I’ll make them regret ever targeting me and my family.”

Shou blinks, momentarily shocked speechless, as though he isn’t expecting such a fast and passionate response. Then he breaks out into another grin, pleased and impressed. “Alright, then. From now on, we’re partners,” he says, and extends a hand to Ritsu.

Ritsu smiles, the first smile he’s managed since he’d been kidnapped three days ago, and meets Shou for a handshake with one bandaged hand. “Yeah. Partners.”

[edrecoveryprobs]

RE: Anons (finally!!) 1-8

In this post:

#2: How to handle surgery-related diets

#4: our fave recovery blogs

#5: dealing with bullying about vitiligo

#8: Recovering through the transition to college + how to challenge romanticizing ED thoughts

[CW behavior mention]

1. hi, sorry to bother you but I'm nervous I might have an eating disorder? I've been hospitalized for malnutrition in the past, but I just wasn't eating enough. the behaviors now are like binge purge restrict so on so on. I've been eating about [x] calories a day now because I want to lose weight without binging/ purging. should i tell someone about this, or is this normal?

FAQ #3 but yes definitely tell someone who can help!

2. I have to have a endoscopy/colonoscopy in a few weeks, and the prep for it has me completely on edge. In order to have the procedure done, I have to eat a restricted diet for a week, not eat for [x amount of time], and then take a super powerful laxative. My doctor also recommended I go on a weight loss diet, even though I'm still at a healthy BMI. After being recovered for several years, I've been struggling with a relapse, and I'm afraid that this will push me over the edge. Any tips on how to deal?

Sorry this is so late! Here’s advice for anyone else in your situation.

First, tell your doctor! Ask which elements of this are most important, and which can be worked around. Your ED is a complicating condition, so they should really know about it -- they’re treating YOU, not just your colon.

Second, give your laxatives to someone you trust, preferably someone who lives with you. If you can, enlist their support with mealtimes as well. If you get really sad at the end of the meal bc you can feel yourself falling back into that old place, that’s okay. Have them remind you that this is temporary, and that food is not as black-and-white as your ED wants it to be. Cede responsibility for figuring out your intake to this trusted person. Also -- make sure no one lets you know your weight at any point! Perhaps they can tell you when you’re back at your normal weight but that’s it!! The less you can obsessively track, the better.

Third, get into therapy NOW. Once this diet is over and everything gets quiet is when the ED stuff really starts to hit. I find that usually my recovery phase is ½ as long as my restrictive phase if I’m in therapy, and 2x as long if I’m not.

Fourth, acknowledge that this is unusually difficult and that struggling with a difficult thing doesn’t negate all the work you’ve been doing for years. You’ve built a solid foundation that has a good chance of keeping you stable through this rough time, and even if that starts to crack you have those same foundation-building skills to get it back to good.

I hope things went well for you <3

3. your blog always makes me feel valid and safe. thank you.

You’re so welcome! I’m glad it helps <3

4. Hey!! Do you know of any other positive recovery blogs? Im too scared to look in the tags bc they're full of pro ana things :( I love your blog, thank you!!! ❤❤

Fyoured was my fave, idk if they’re still active though! There’s also scienceofeds but that’s mostly summarizing current medical literature on it. Edreocoverystarfish and clinicallydepressedpug are also great! You can also check out our reblog tag

5. I've been suffering from vitiligo practically my whole life and it's something that affects me both psychically and emotionally. My brother often makes fun of me because of it, his favourite name for me is ''Michael Jackson"

That’s so shitty of him. If it helps, siblings tend to be rather shitty as they’re growing up, because it usually takes like 15-20 years to learn the basic emotional skills it takes to really be there for someone you love. Some people (especially masculine-identified people because of the social penalties associated) take longer to learn or never do at all. That’s not your fault.

For what it’s worth, siblings tend to make fun of whatever your biggest insecurities are, because humans learn how to affect others’ emotions before they learn how to affect them positively. Mine was acne for a while, especially since I struggle with dermatillomania (skin-picking) -- my siblings would wait for a Papa John’s commercial of a pepperoni pizza, point to it, and say “hey look, it’s Selena! HA HA HA!!”. My sister was really insecure about her hair being parted exactly down the middle, so my other sister and I would make fun of her for that. What I mean to say is, it’s not about the vitiligo. It’s about your brother not having learned yet how to NOT be a rude little shit.

Also, there’s no absolute that different colored patches of skin are ugly or bad. Calico cats are so cute! Freckles are adorable! Winnie Harlow is so talented! Find reminders in your life and/or online that different isn’t bad, and that this difference can be jaw-droppingly gorgeous or heart-breakingly adorable or lovably cute. It’s all about how you wear it.

And finally, know that love is always a choice -- including self-love. Rather, it is a combination of tons of small choices. Am I treating myself with love? Do I talk to myself lovingly, the way I would talk to a friend who was in my situation? Do I appreciate what my skin does for me, pigment or no pigment? Am I cultivating a life full of things and people that validate that love? It’s hard at first, it always is, but once you start it becomes a really awesome habit. Here is a great place to start (adjust pronouns as appropriate).

Sending you lots of love <3

[CW poop mention]

6. Hi, this incredibly embarrassing, but I recently experienced some personal trauma and so I am having problems with eating... Mostly restrictive and the inability to swallow some foods. However, I am having some digestive problems, mostly issues with skid marks. I was wondering if this is common and if there is a remedy for it... This is the first time I have experienced something like this. Sorry.

First, I really honestly don’t think anyone goes through their life without ever getting skid marks lol so you’re not a freak at all. I get them from time to time and I don’t really have digestive problems. Usually it just means I need to eat more fiber or adjust the balance of my diet. Also, this might sound weird, but anal kegels might help! The anal ring is all muscles, after all, and if restricting is a problem then all muscles have probably atrophied a little bit, including those. And finally, it might just be bad toilet paper. There’s lots of kinds that are practically useless and turn into a pulpy mess instead of doing their damn job. If you’re at home, consider getting stronger toilet paper (2-ply etc) or carrying baby wipes in a purse or backpack. Black underwear can also help with the insecurity aspect.

7. I love your blog so much! It helps knowing what other people are going through while making it a little humorous. Stay awesome!!

:D will do!

[CW romanticizing relapse, negative body image] 8. I have been battling with my ed for [x amount of time] now. In [y]th grade I got so tiny, I felt so pretty. I had never been skinny until then. I gained a lot of weight from being on so many medications, and now I am at an average weight but I am so unhappy with my body. I still struggle with purging and skipping meals. I start college this fall and I am terrified that I am going to let ana control me since no one will notice. I just want to feel beautiful and I know I wont until I'm tiny…

Something I’ve been going through recently is trying to lovingly remind myself when these thoughts pop up: I’m not believing this stuff because it’s true, I believe it because I’m literally crazy. It’s somewhat counterintuitive, but those beliefs can really take ahold of you if you take them seriously. But it’s just a symptom of the mental illness you know you already have. It’s like if you were prone to visual or audial hallucinations -- they feel real. They look real. They sound real. Of course you’d believe there are lions chasing you right now, because all of the senses you usually trust are indicating that that’s true. But also, if you can use the knowledge you have to try to see past them, you can actually interact much better with your environment.

Facts: you feel unhappy with your body. You still struggle with disordered behaviors. You start college this fall. College represents a big challenge to your ability to keep ana under control.

Beliefs: I can’t feel good unless I am thin. I can’t help but do what my ED says. I must keep this all a secret. I can’t get any help.

In the past 5 years, there have been times you’ve felt happy. Even when you weren’t thin. State memory means it’s hard to think of times you’ve felt differently, but it’s just a fact about human brains that we can’t feel one feeling for very long without switching it up.

Also, I guarantee you that you weren’t happy then. It’s so easy to romanticize thinness -- we see thinness romanticized literally ad nauseam -- but it’s such an empty feeling to be stuck in your ED. It’s so hopeless. It feels so crappy to walk into a restaurant with your friends, to see them all laughing and having fun when all you can think about is how terrifying it is to order food and how much you want to run away. When I really think about how awful each moment is with an ED, how I’m constantly either freaking out about eating or dreading the next time I’ll have to eat, how I had to numb myself constantly because reality felt so bleak.... Thin just isn’t worth it.

And let’s be clear: thin isn’t pretty. It’s just thin. Thin people CAN be pretty, but so can people of size, and so can very muscular people, and so can people whose body shape is more average. And eating disorders will make you thin at the expense of everything your body needs to maintain itself. It’s like insisting that houses are only thin if they have columns out front, so you hack off the front door, peel off the siding, pry up all the furniture, and stack up this pile of garbage to make some columns. You’re better off with a column-less but functioning house than one full of holes and empty inside.

Before you get to college, look up the mental health resources. Sign up for counseling through your school ASAP!!! Counseling tends to fill up as midterms approach, so this way you’ll be covered in case things go downhill later. Also, TELL people you trust. This you must do even if everything in you screams not to, because everything in you will scream not to, because your ED brain is actually trying to kill you. The more trusted people you tell, the less you have to fight it on your own, and the more resources you have to fight it. ALSO, see if there is an ED support group or a body positivity group on campus. Being around people who can gently call out disordered thoughts is a huge relief! And finally, explore other things that make you feel beautiful. Some people like makeup, and seeing how much of appearance is just illusion. Some feel beautiful when they know that they are strong and agile. Experiment with your clothing. Cut or dye your hair. Now is the time to test out different styles, and those are so much more fun to work on than calorie counting.

Lastly, you have more to do than be tiny. Mice are tiny. 5 cent candies are tiny. Pinky toe nails are tiny. What can you do that’s new? That helps you learn? That’s helpful? That’s exciting? Ana ignores all of that because of an obsession with BEING one thing. But ana doesn’t know shit about all the weird, cool, funny, wild stuff you can do. Show her what she’s missing.

Best of luck to you, and if you find yourself struggling in college don’t be afraid to message us back. We’re here for you throughout your recovery process <3