#bb when can i see u again.... miss u..... come to my city again soon pls ty

[yappacadaver]

DETHKLOK

DETHKLOK

[the-lady-of-stars]

Wishing you were somehow here again -  Pt. 2

Commander Wolffe x Jedi ! Reader

Summary: The time has come... execute order 66

Warnings: Character death!! Injury/fighting/violence. Angst... and lots of it. I would say I’m sorry but I’m really just out here living my best life writing some lovely heartbreak 💞💖💘 

A/N: I listened to across the stars the entire time I wrote this for that extra angsty vibe  😇 hope u enjoy bb. If you haven’t read part 1 I recommend giving it a read before this! : ) Also dw I am not leaving it at this, there will be a Part 3. I’m not that mean ☺️ 

Tags: @wille-zarr @chaotic-noceur

Cato Neimoidia. What a beautiful city to fly over. 

You, Master Plo and the rest of the 104th Batallion had been assigned to the planet in hopes of besieging a Trade Federation stronghold. 

You peered out the windows of your starfighter at the rocky arches of the surrounding environment, enjoying the brief moment of peace and beauty this war had offered you. In front of you flew your master, Plo Koon, behind you Commander Wolffe, your beloved, then the rest of the pack trailed behind. 

You ran a finger over the makeshift grass ring that adorned your left hand, your heart skipping a beat at the mere thought of the previous week’s events. Your husband, in spirit at least. You planned to have a real wedding in the future, perhaps on Naboo if you could manage to pull a few strings with Skywalker. His marriage to the Senator had been no secret to you, so surely Anakin would not mind helping you with yours. 

You could picture it now, a marble balcony overlooking the waterfalls of Naboo, the burning orange sun gleaming from them as you kissed each other like no one was watching. Your master would be there to officiate it- he knew about you and his Commander, of course. You never had been able to hide anything from him. Master Plo had always been somewhat of a father figure to you ever since he took you as his Padawan when you were little, so of course he quickly noticed the bond forming between you and Wolffe. Much as Qui-Gon had turned a blind eye to Obi-Wan and Satine, your master had said nothing about the subject except that he wanted you to be happy, and if Wolffe provided you with such happiness then he was more than willing to protect your little secret, although you briefly remember Wolffe mentioning something about receiving an ‘if-you-ever-break-her-heart-you’re-dead’ speech from him, but you decided not to inquire further. The rest of the pack would be there of course. They were family, and without them to watch it would be no wedding at all. 

Being in a starfighter, you had no means of communicating with Wolffe except over the comm channel which also included the rest of the battalion, and you weren't in the mood to put up with Boost’s usual quips. You could, however, radiate love in his direction through the force, so that’s what you did. 

Wolffe’s chest pounded as he felt your force signature surround him like a ghostly embrace. It brought a heat to his cheeks, hands gripping the controls tighter. Any nerves from the mission dissipated and he was left feeling warm and whole. He thought to himself then that he did not ever want to feel any other way. Blissful. He was no Jedi, didn’t have a lick of force-sensitivity, but he could damn well try to return the sentiment. He found himself furrowing his brows and squinting slightly, while with all his might he mustered up his favourite memories of you, trying his best to radiate the way you made him feel. He hoped you could feel it. 

You could. A soft, breathy chuckle burst from your lips at his efforts, at how truly sweet your tough Commander was on the inside. There were few things you could be sure of in life, but the dream of really marrying him was one of them. One day, hopefully soon, you would see him stood o- what was wrong? The adoration Wolffe was radiating suddenly cut off as though someone had flicked a switch, nothing but neutrality emanating from him now. Opening yourself up to more force signatures you felt the same emotion from the rest of the boys behind you. Something was wrong, and your master clearly sensed it too as the only real emotion you could sense was his confusion. 

“Men, is something the matter?” Plo spoke over the comm channel. 

There was a momentary pause, then Wolffe was the next to speak.

“General Plo Koon, General Y/N Y/L/N, you are both subject to execution under Order 66 due to crimes against the Republic.”

Before either you or your master could say a word your ships burst into flames, your own men firing right at you. The engine was destroyed- there was nothing you could do but wail Wolffe’s name in one last desperate plea as your ship began to plummet down towards the rocky terrain of Cato Neimoidia. Smoke. Heat. Burning. Sharp. Pain. Then nothing. The world went black as your starfighter made contact with the ground. The last thing you saw before your eyes closed was the sight of your master laying dead on the ground nearby.

-----------------------

Your ears rang, a sharp tone muffling the sound of shouting voices. Clones. A pang of fear shot straight to your heart as you remembered how they had attempted to kill you, and how they had succeeded with your dear master. You flinched up instinctively, wanting to run but collapsing the second you so much as moved due to the piercing pain that struck your entire body. You whimpered, tears pricking at your eyes, hearing the clones get closer. 

It seemed that the crash had thrown you from your starfighter and into an alcove in the rocks, which gave you the slightest bit of shelter. As the ringing in your ears subsided a little you heard a pair of footsteps drawing closer to your position. You dug your fingers into the ground, desperately trying to get to your feet so you could defend yourself but with no luck. There was a small cave entrance a few metres away which could offer you a hiding place, but you weren’t fast enough. A boot planted onto your back, pinning you down and earning a yelp.

You craned your head back, trying to see who had a hold of you through the tears which had welled up. 

Wolffe. But he looked nothing like the Wolffe you knew. Your Wolffe never so much as glanced at you without tenderness, but now? A snarl had replaced his smile, eyes glaring down at you like a predator.

“Wolffe-” you choked out, which resulted in him pressing his foot down further.

“Jedi,” he practically growled. “You are to be executed for your crimes against the Republic.”

Before he could make another move, you mustered all the strength you could find and pushed him away from you and into the cave entrance nearby with the force, enough to keep him subdued for a minute or so. Still riding the spike of energy, you pulled yourself to your feet, making your way over to the miniature medical droid which was kept in each starfighter, which had clearly fallen from the crash with you. You brought it to you with the force, pressing the on button once it was in your hands. The droid buzzed to life, whirring around you in circles, clearly in distress at your state. 

“Not me,” your voice was coarse. “Give the Commander a full head scan. I’m looking for something. A chip, possibly?” You nodded your head in the direction of Wolffe slumped over in the cave entrance, the droid zooming over to him immediately. 

When you finally made it over to the cave the droid repeatedly made a beeping sound over one particular part of Wolffe’s head. 

“What’d you find?” 

The droid pulled up a hologram, a red circle highlighting a small piece of organic matter. 

“This appears to be some kind of tumour, which is not normally found in human brains,” it announced.

Your eyes widened, all the breath leaving your body. Fives had been right all along. There really was a chip hidden in the clones. 

“Remove it.” 

“But- General- I don’t think this is the place to-”

“Now!” you spoke sternly, trying to keep your voice down so the other clones wouldn’t find you. They’d notice sooner or later that their Commander was missing, but you had until them to remove that chip. 

“Very well, General. You may want to look away for this.”

A anaesthesia shot was pricked into Wolffe’s neck before the droid protruded an arm with a red laser attached to the end, beginning to cut a hole into his head. You winced, closing your eyes and holding on to Wolffe’s hand, intertwining your fingers with his.

 “You’ll be okay, my love,” you spoke under your breath to him, rubbing soothing circles on Wolffe’s palm. “I’ve got you.”

The whirring stopped. You opened your eyes again to see what was going on when the droid announced, “The procedure has been completed and the chip has been successfully removed. The Commander will awaken momentarily.”

“Thank you, you can shut down now,” you told the droid, shuffling closer to Wolffe so he knew you were there when he woke up. 

About thirty seconds later, Wolffe began to stir. With a groan he reached a hand up to his head, thumbing over the gauze the incision had been covered by. 

“Ahh, where am I?” 

“Wolffe? Wolffe, my love, look at me. Look at me, please.”

With a grimace he turned his head to look at you, blinking a few times before his eyes widened like saucers. 

“Cyare! What happened to you? Are you okay? Who did this to you?” he panicked, getting to his knees so he could rake his eyes over you better. 

“Oh, Wolffe...” he was back. Your Wolffe was back. You couldn’t hold back the tears any longer, throwing yourself into his arms and sobbing wildly. 

“Oh shhh, shhh easy Cyare. I’ve got you now, you’re safe my sweet girl,” he cooed, rubbing his hands soothingly over your upper arms. “What happened?”

Wolffe paused, looking over at your burning starfighter, at his brothers slightly behind it stood around the body of General Plo. General Plo. Order 66. Oh. He launched himself away from you, breathing frantically. 

“It was me. I’m what happened. I- I did this. Order 66. I killed General Plo and I nearly killed you- oh stars...” Wolffe looked down at his shaking hands, thinking about what he had done with them. 

“Wolffe, look at me. Hey. Look,” you got closer to him, taking his hands in yours to ground him. Still trembling he brought his eyes to yours, tears streaming down his cheeks. “That was not you, my love. That was Sidious. He was controlling you and all the other clones through the chips in your brain. They were planted there for that very reason. I do not blame you, nobody blames you. This was not your fault at all.” 

Wolffe broke down into a flurry of “I’m sorry” and “forgive me” but you just pulled him into your chest, holding him tight, pressing kisses to his temple and his cheeks to reassure him. 

“Wolffe, my love, we don’t have much time. Your brothers are still looking for me to check if I’m dead and I’m sure they’ve noticed you’re missing by now. They’ll find us. I removed your chip but they’re still under control of Sidious. We have to leave.”

“No,” Wolffe choked sternly.

“No? What do you mean no?”

“You don’t have a ship any more, and if you ran now they’d see you and kill you on sight. I need to go back, to tell them I found your body and disposed of it. Then you run when we leave. Run and never come back, you hear me?”

Wolffe spoke through tears, clasping your shoulders tightly to make sure you heard every word. 

“No, no, Wolffe you can’t do that. I’m not going anywhere without you. I’m not leaving you to Sidious. I love you.”

“Y/N, please. My sweet girl. Oh, look at you. I wanted to marry you so bad. More than anything. But now I realise what I want more than anything is to keep you alive, even if that means I can’t be yours any more. I love you, Y/N. I love you so much,” he moved his hands up to cup your cheeks, wiping your tears away with his thumbs. “Don’t you go coming back to find me now, you hear me? Run and never come back. Make a life for yourself. You do that for me, hmm? Promise me,” he wept, wet eyes looking straight into yours.

“Okay. Okay I promise,” you felt your heart tearing in two. 

“That’s a good girl. My good girl,” he spoke softly.

“Wolffe-” you whimpered. 

“I know, I know, love. Everything will be alright.”

Wolffe sighed, heart visibly breaking. His glassy eyes observed your face as though it would be the last time he would ever see it. And it would. 

Unable to find any other words to say, Wolffe leaned down and kissed you one last time, tears mingling on your cheeks. His lips pressed hard against yours, clinging on to the moment as long as you both could. When he finally pulled away you chased after him, not ready to let go. 

“I have to go, cyare. Back to my brothers. I’ll be alright, don’t you worry about me, hmm? You stay safe now, I mean it. I love you Y/N.”

“I love you too.”

Wolffe stood, absorbing the sight of you. How this was the last time he’d ever see his girl. With one final sigh he tore his eyes from you and tipped his helmet back on, exiting the cave and leaving everything he ever loved behind. 

The war left its scars on everyone, but Wolffe knew these ones would never heal.

[mirkwoodshewolf]

Mother Rey, little sunshine; Rey x child reader

*Author’s note*

Okay so this request has been on hold for literally months so I hope the anon who finds this I APOLOGIZE FOR KEEPING U WAITING FOR SO LONG. And also I apologize in advance if this feels rushed or if it ends up bad, I tried my best with this fic but I hope you all still like it in the end. And please no hating on this character, if you don’t like Rey fics then DON’T BOTHER READING THEM. 

Not really any warnings per-say but maybe some swearing? Other than that it’s just some fluff.

______________________________________________________

*Rey’s POV*

I don’t really know how it all began.  I guess it must’ve happened while I was in the market selling what I had collected when I first took notice of her. She was hiding behind a stand just watching me clean a scrap of old machinery before I went to sell it to Plutt for some food.

As I was heading back to my small home in an old AT-AT walker, I could hear footsteps behind me.  I turned around and there she was.  She stopped and looked at me with big (e/c) eyes.  Feeling annoyed with her following me and always watching me I asked her.

“Why do you keep following me?”

“I—I don’t know…..”

“You can’t keep following me. Where are you parents?” I asked her.

“They—they didn’t wake up.” She said sadly as she looked down and played with her fingers.  I kept looking at her and she reminded me of me when my family left me here, except unlike me, her parents are dead.  Probably couldn’t afford to have enough portions in order to keep themselves alive, they gave it all to this little girl.

“What’s your name?” I said as I knelt down in front of her.

“(Y/n).” she shyly said.  I looked toward the sun and saw that it was beginning to set. Knowing that it would be dark soon and that’s when all the dangerous dealers and thieves come out to try and catch whatever they can sell, Jakku holds no bounds for dangerous smugglers and slave-dealers.  

“Do you have a place to stay (y/n)?” She then pointed towards the old garbage ship that was covered under a tarp that Plutt once stole several years back and had it kept in his storage.  “Okay, how about you come with me? Just for tonight so that you can at least get a proper meal and at least something more comfortable than sand to sleep on.” She looked up at me with hopeful eyes and I picked up my staff and urged her to follow me and she did.

When we got to my place, she ate some of my portions that I had gotten from my scavenging.  As she ate, I told her as I took out a spare blanket as I set up a small bed for her.

“It’s not much but it should keep you warm.”

“Th—thank you.” She shyly said.  After she was done, it was starting to get dark so I thought it was best to get some sleep.  I got into my cot while (y/n) got into hers and soon I fell asleep.

As the night went on, I felt something shake my shoulder as well as small whimpering.  I groaned and tried to dismiss it but it kept happening and that’s when I saw (y/n) standing over me.  I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes and said to her.

“(Y/n), what’s wrong? It’s not even sunrise yet.”

“I—I had a bad dream Miss.” She said ashamed for waking me up.  I looked at her and again I saw myself in her through her sad eyes.  When I was young, I had nightmares all the time about my family, hoping they’d come back and wondering why they left me.

“C’mere.” I muttered as I opened up my blanket and she cautiously crawled into my cot and I hugged her close to me.

“What’s your name?” she asked me.  I softly smiled at her and answered.

“Rey.” I stroked the hair out of her face and said to her, “Try to go back to sleep, the bad dreams usually don’t come twice in the same night.”

“You promise?”

“I promise.” She yawned softly and then she fell back asleep cuddled up close to me.  As I held her in my arms, I knew that I couldn’t just throw her out by morning. She wouldn’t survive without someone taking care of her, but no one would because all they care about is their own survival.

So I decided that I would take care of her and protect her no matter what.

For the next few weeks, I taught (y/n) everything I knew about scavenging, how to find the best parts and how to even make things out of spare parts that are functional.  She was a fast learner much like myself and she quickly began to understand the language of all the other people here on Jakku.

After another low trade from Plutt after scavenging for hours for parts that looked valuable.  I gave the last of my food to (y/n) so that she would be able to eat when I picked up an old pilot’s helmet and placed it on my head.  I looked down at (y/n) and softly smiled at her and decided to place the helmet on top of her.  She looked up at me and smiled innocently.

“Now you’re an official pilot.” I said to her. Suddenly we heard the sound of a droid close by.  It sounded like it was in distress, I grabbed my staff and told (y/n) to stay put until I came back as I ran up the hill.

There I saw Tito with what looked like a BB unit in a net.  I called out to Tito as I raced down and freed the droid before bashing Tito in telling him what for before he moved on.  The droid then began to mouth off at Tito and I shushed it as I said to him.

“That’s just Tito. Wants you for parts, he has no respect for anyone.” I knelt down in front of it and said, “Your antennas bent,” it moved its head downward so that I could take off the antenna and straighten it up and fix it up as I asked it where it came from.

The BB unit gave me a few beeps and I said skeptically.

“Classified really? Me too, big secret.” Once its antenna was back in its proper place, I told it where to go and what to be aware of as it would go into town to hopefully find its master.  As I headed back toward (y/n), the BB unit followed behind me beeping asking me to come with me.  I turned towards it and said, “Don’t follow me, town is that way.”

It beeped again as it said that since I was alone, it could be of use but I told him no which led him to making sad beeps. I turned towards it and just stared at it.

Krif this was my problem; I was just too nice. I then gestured with my head and the droid happily beeped as it rolled up by my side.

“In the morning you go.” It beeped out a thank you and I said, “You’re welcome.”

Little did I know just what crossing this droid meant for me and (y/n).

The two of us were soon swept up into the Resistance against the First Order when we came across as Resistance fighter named Finn. Together we’ve been chased by stormtroopers, smugglers, and even came face to face with the legendary Han Solo and Chewbacca.  Now that (y/n) and I were swept into getting BB-8 back to the resistance since he carries a map that leads to the legendary Luke Skywalker, we made it our vow together to help BB-8 get back to the Resistance base that Finn is stationed at.

We had finally arrived at the planet of Takodana where a supposed ally of Han Solo, Maz Kanata could help us get to the Resistance as fast as possible since Han knew that if his scanners could find us, then the First Order wouldn’t be too far behind.

(Y/n) and I were observing all the greenery this planet had to offer.  Never did I know there was this much green in the entire galaxy.  All my life I had ever known was miles and miles of sand.

“This is so pretty.” I heard her say.  I looked down at her and softly smiled and said.

“Yes it is.”

“I wish I could live here.”  I wish I could give her what she wants but I knew that once all of this was done; I knew my family had to have come back by now. Heck they could be there now, it’s already been too long already and I promised myself that I would stay there.  It was then Han came up to us and he handed me a small blaster and said

“Here,”

“I can handle myself.”

“I know that’s why I’m giving it to you.” I took the blaster and aimed it ahead as he asked me, “You do know how to use that thing right?”

“Yeah you pull the trigger.”

“Well there’s a lot more to it than that. You’ve got a lot to learn.” He then walked away for a bit telling Chewy to see what repairs he could do.  And it was then Han began to offer me a spot, actually two spots for a couple of crew members since both (y/n) and I have done some work on getting the Millennium Falcon up and running and Han even saw (y/n) bypass the compressor so that we wouldn’t be torn apart while in hyper speed.

I thanked him for the offer but declined the offer telling him that we had to get home back to Jakku since we had been away for too long.  Han accepted my answer and didn’t press on and that’s when we went into the town and met up with Maz.

After doing some talking and suddenly having getting these strange visions as I had gone down to the basement of what looked like a storage room after touching a lightsaber.  After Maz had told me that the lightsaber had belong to Luke and his father before him and that now it was calling to me, she told me that my path now lied ahead of me, and not in the past.

This was way beyond what I had wanted. She’s asking me to basically become a Jedi, but I know nothing of that world.  I’m just a scavenger whose parents abandoned me and left me there on Jakku to die.  All I wanted now was to just go back and get as far away from all this as possible with (y/n) at my side.

But of course life has a funny way of making things go from bad to worse in the snap of a finger.  Before we knew it, the First Order arrived and started attacking the city.  I told (y/n) and BB-8 to stay together and keep out of sight while I tried to drive off any stormtroopers or First Order fighters.

“But Rey…..” she started off.

“No buts (y/n). BB-8 needs you right now. Promise me you’ll keep him safe.” I cupped her face and she looked up at me with sad, worried eyes but nodded.  I hugged her and whispered to her, “I promise I’ll come find you when all of this is over.” She nodded and I felt her kiss my cheek and she said something that I never thought I would be called.

“I love you mommy.” My face turned to shock but I hugged her tighter and kissed the top of her head and said.

“I love you too my sunshine, now go.” She then ran ahead with BB-8 behind her telling him to follow her.  I looked on ahead and whispered, “Please me safe.”  I then ran in the opposite direction to do as I said I would do; give them some time to hide and if I ended up getting captured then so be it.

As long as (y/n) was safe.

I fired and shot at any stormtrooper I could find but when my blaster suddenly decided to lock up on me, I hide behind a tree to try and get it to work again and that’s when I heard one of the stormtroopers say.

‘Pull back in retreat. We’ve got what we’ve wanted. Repeat back to the ships and pull back in retreat. We have what we’ve wanted.’ Oh no. Did they find BB-8? Did they hurt (y/n). Cause I swear if they’ve laid one finger on her….. I ran a shortcut way back toward the city which was now in complete ruins.

All around me I saw not only First Order ships and troops, but also Resistance fighter pilots flying in the air.

“Rey!”

“Finn!” We ran up towards each other and embraced each other.

“Are you okay?” he asked me.

“I’m fine. Where are Han and Chewy?”

“They’re fine, where’s (y/n) and BB-8?”

“Somewhere in the jungle. We had to split up, you mean she didn’t come back here?” He shook his head no and that’s when I saw a horrifying sight.

A man cloaked in all black robes was carrying in his arms an unconscious (y/n).  My heart stopped as I raced on ahead crying out with Finn running and calling out my name behind me.

“No! No! Let her go, stop! (Y/N)!!!!!” But it was too late, the ships took off and I collapsed onto my knees weeping brokenheartedly.  “They took her…..they took her!”  I felt Finn’s arms wrap around me and he said as he rocked me back and forth.

“Don’t worry Rey, we’ll get her back. I promise.”

After awhile we arrived at the Resistance base and had gone over the battle plans for bringing down the First Order’s base once and for all, but all my mind was on was (y/n).  I feared that she had either been hurt or worse……

“You okay Rey?” I heard Han say.

“It all started with just one night. One night that was all, never did I think she’d have me wrapped around her finger the way she does today. I want her back, and I swear if anything happens to her—”

“Hey, listen kid,” I felt his hand on my shoulder. I looked up at him and he continued, “From what I’ve seen that child’s got some spunk in her. Sorta reminds me of me at her age. She’s not helpless, and if she’s anything like you, she’ll figure a way out. We’ll get her back, alive and unharmed.” I smiled softly and we then headed towards the Falcon.

As we took off I thought to myself.

‘Hang on (y/n), I’m coming for you.’

*(Y/n)’s POV*

When I woke up I found myself strapped into some sort of chair by my arms and legs.  I looked around to see that I was in some sort of room with no windows and a steel reinforced probably blaster-resistant door.  It soon opened up and entering inside was the masked man who kidnapped me after trapping me and BB-8.  The last thing I remember him telling me was that I had seen the map that they were looking for and the next minute I blacked out.

“Where am I?” I demanded.

“You’re my guest.” He simply stated.

“If this is how you treat your guests, I’d hate to see how you treat your real prisoners.” I sassed back at him.

“The only reason why you are being kept alive child is because you have valuable information I need. The map to Skywalker.”

“I don’t give information to creeps in masks. Especially creeps like you.” It was then he removed his mask and once his face was revealed to me I saw that he had black hair that went to about his shoulders and deep brown eyes.  He set the mask down on a table and came up towards me and said.

“The fact that the droid would even show the map to someone like you, a lost orphan girl with no family is beyond me. But yet it has. Now give it to me.” He then held up his hand just like before and I once again felt this picking at my brain.

This aching feeling almost like a hammer jacking away at my head repeatedly as I felt him trying to get the information out of me.  I tried to resist and pull back but it was like a tug of war between us.

“There’s no point in resisting child, I always get what I want in the end.”  I grunted and groaned in pain trying to push him out of my head.

When suddenly something snapped.  Now I could see and feel his thoughts inside his head. I don’t know how it happened but it did so I decided to pull a string at him because one name kept coming up in his head.

“Vader.” I whispered.  His eyes shows a bit of shock on how I knew that name.  “You’re afraid…..” his face grew from stoic to shock as I continued, “that you’ll never be strong as Darth Vader!” He soon released me and his eyes were full blown with shock and horror.  I panted heavily and soon he just left me there in the room, with a stormtrooper to guard my room.

*Rey’s POV*

We finally arrived on Star killer base and after going over the plan one last time with Han and Finn.  They along with Chewy would go and find  way to disable the shields so that the Resistance pilots can go in and disarm the base and finally destroy it before it would drain the sun’s energy, while I would handle the rescue mission for (y/n).

I snuck through the corridors and hide from any stormtroopers that came by when I reached a room that read PRISONER CHAMBERS overhead.  I looked around to make sure no one would see me, then I maneuvered across from one side of the corridor to the chamber doors and tried to open them.

As soon as they opened a stormtrooper caught my line of vision and he called out.

“Halt!” Before he could fire his blaster at me, I knocked his arm with my staff, spun it around and whacked him hard against the head knocking him off his feet before stabbing the bulge end of it into his gut making him groan before I whacked him over the head again to render him unconscious.

It was then in the chair with dark circles under her eyes and strapped onto the chair was (y/n).

“Oh kriff, (y/n)!” I raced up to her and cupped her face in my hands as I tried to gently wake her up.  I heard a faint moan as she opened her eyes and as soon as she saw me, she faintly said.

“Rey?”

“I’m here my sunshine, I’m here.” I began to look around for a way to free her from her bonds.  I typed in various codes but none of them seemed to be working.  Until finally one seemed to work and soon her wrists and ankles were free.  I picked her up and we both hugged each other tightly and she whispered.

“I thought I’d never see you again.”

“I’ll always find you my sunshine, always. Now c’mon let’s find Han, Chewy and Finn and get the hell out of here.” She nodded and we both raced out of the room.

As we raced out of the base to where we had the Falcon at, suddenly we both heard the sound of a lightsaber activating and there stood Han and Leia’s son, Ben or how he is now known as Kylo Ren.

“We’re not done yet. Both of you.”

“(Y/n), get to the Falcon.”

“But Rey—”

“Now (y/n)!” I snapped at her feeling this rage towards Kylo Ren, not just for what he’s done for the First Order but taking (y/n) crosses a whole other line.  And I already said that I would make whomever it was behind the mask pay for taking her.

I saw her run towards the forest and towards the direction of where I had told her the Falcon was.  Once I knew she was safe, I turned back towards Kylo and glared down at him.

“The girl I’ve heard so much about.” He said to me as he stared me down.  My breathing was shallow as my anger began to take over as I faintly touched the blaster at my hip.

“Why did you take her?!” I demanded.

“She was one of the people to see the map, her memories were the key I needed to find out where Skywalker was located. But then something else came about from her, she is strong with the force. Untrained but able to tap into its source.”

(Y/n)……was force-sensitive? How is she…..maybe her parents were descendants of one of the old Jedi’s.  She never really spoke much about her parents, so maybe she didn’t know.

“With some training of the ways of the force, she can become unstoppable. With the right teacher.”

“Over my dead body.” I sneered as I fired my blaster but the blast was caught in midair and I felt myself being paralyzed. I tried to free my arm but it was stuck behind me.  He walked up towards me and pointed his lightsaber at me, the heat of it bouncing off onto my skin when we both heard.

“HEY!!” Another lightsaber activated and at the corner of my eye I could see Finn holding Luke’s lightsaber.

“That lightsaber belongs to me. Give it to me.” Kylo Ren demanded.

“Come get it!” The two of them soon began to battle and I was suddenly dropped out of my paralyzed state but my muscles were like jelly.  It was like I had ran around the entire planet of Jakku five times, I could barely stand up.

I watched as Finn managed to strike Kylo Ren a couple of times in the leg and shoulder but soon Kylo Ren had Finn pinned to a tree and touched the cross-point of his lightsaber onto Finn’s shoulder which caused him to cry out in agony.

“Finn!” I cried out.  Kylo then disarmed Finn and slashed him across the back which caused Finn to fall to the ground unconscious.

I then watched as Kylo Ren tried to take Luke’s lightsaber that had landed a few yards away from him.  I saw it shake so I reached out my hand hoping that somehow it would come to me.  It shot out from the snow and zoomed past Kylo Ren and landed in my hand.

I was shocked.  So all those visions back at Takodana, everything that has happened in my life from saving Finn from the rathtar, to even sensing (y/n) when I first met her before I would even see her.  Maz was right, I was meant for this. This was my destiny.

I stood up and activated the lightsaber glaring straight at Kylo Ren and he reactivated his lightsaber before the two of us met in combat.  Leaping over cliff sides, jumping over logs and fallen tree branches, blocking his attacks, trying to get an attack of my own, Kylo Ren and I performed a continuous battle with our lightsabers till finally we crossed our lightsabers together and he began to get the upper hand as the ground began to quake and crack underneath me.

Both lightsabers coming down towards me as I tried to push back but his strength was still stronger than mine.  I wasn’t a train Jedi and plus my muscles were still weak from earlier.

“You need a teacher; you and the child can learn the ways of the Force. I can teach it to you.” I looked at him and muttered.

“The Force.” Then what Maz had told me began to ring in my ear as well as what all came in through my vision as I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths before finally feeling the Force course through me.  I opened my eyes up and pushed Kylo Ren backward and instead of unskilled, rapid attacks, my strikes became more precise and flowed more in balance and strength.  I managed to strike him in the leg as well as the shoulder.

As he tried to send a thrust toward me, I grabbed his wrist and managed to send his lightsaber into the snow.  I kept a firm grip on his wrist as I pulled it downward so that he couldn’t pull back until finally I slammed my saber against his breaking the connection before finally striking him across the face, leaving him a nasty scar.  I panted as I deactivated my lightsaber and I said to him.

“Never, go near her again.” And with that I raced back to find Finn, praying that he was still alive.

Once I found him, I called out his name and tried to wake him up but he didn’t respond.  I placed my fingers to his neck trying to get a pulse but I couldn’t find one. Thinking that he was dead, I lay my head against his chest and wept softly.

Suddenly a light shined down on us and I looked up to see Chewy and (y/n) flying the Falcon.  They landed it and Chewy came out and helped carry Finn inside and placed him on the bed and soon Chewy and I took the controls while (y/n) went to work on Finn’s wounds as we now went into hyperjump as Starkiller base exploded behind us.

With a victory like this, there also came loss. I had been told from Finn that Kylo Ren had killed Han back at the base while I was trying to get (y/n).  But in a stroke of this untimely sorrow, there was a light to this tragic day, Luke’s old droid R2D2 activated and he showed us the complete map of where Luke was, then combining the map that BB-8 had been keeping, the full map was complete.

As we watched over Finn who was now in recovery after finding out that he had a heartbeat.

“Will he be okay?” (y/n) asked me.  I looked down at her and said.

“I believe he will.”

“Rey, (y/n) the Falcon’s ready and the coordinates are locked in for you both.” General Leia said.  We both looked at her and we both nodded.  I turned back to Finn and whispered.

“We’ll see each other again, I believe that.” I kissed his forehead and continued, “Thank you, our friend.”

“See you when we come back Finn, thank you for everything you’ve done.” (y/n) said to him as she kissed his cheek and the two of us walked towards the Falcon.

“Rey, (y/n).” General Leia said.  We both turned around and she said to us with a warm smile, “May the force be with you.” We then looked down at BB-8 who stood beside her and he beeped at us a goodbye and thank you.  We smiled down at him and nodded to Leia before boarding the Millennium Falcon.  

I sat in Han’s seat and Chewy sat at my side as (y/n) came up and I held her in my lap as the final coordinates were being punched in.  Then finally we took off to find Luke Skywalker.

“Do you think he’ll help us?” asked (y/n) as she looked up at me.

“We’ll find out. But no matter what happens, we’ll face it together.” She nodded and hugged me and I hugged her back as I kissed the top of her head.

[kpop-stole-my-sanity]

Weakness // Nakamoto Yuta

Request: “hello my bb girl/boy/whatever you prefer!! could i pls request an angst for any nct member of your choice where they see you again for the first time after not keeping in contact? idk, i understand if you can’t get it done!! love u honey”

Genre: angst

Word Count: 3236

A/N: I am so so so so so sorry this took so long!!! I’ve really been in a writing funk lately, and no matter how hard I tried, the words took super long to find their way onto the page. :(( I think I’m getting out of the funk tho so hopefully I’ll be uploading more soon~~ Also, I’m not really used to writing angst, so so try if this is bad or weird or cringey or something but I TRIED I PROMISE!!  I’ll definitely improve with practice tho, so plz don’t be afraid to request!! :DDDD

P.S. I didn’t proofread so I apologize for any stupid spelling or grammar mistakes !!! + I LOVE YOU TOO :D

(a/n: let’s pretend you live in Japan bc yuta senpai)

“Yuta? Where are you? Yuta!!!”

Your heart nearly burst out of your chest as you felt a hand grip your shoulder from behind. You spun around to see your best friend, whose eyes were twinkling with mischief as his lips curled up to form a wide grin.

“I hate it when you sneak up on me like that.” “I know.” “Where did you even go? I was scared you left me.” “Why? Because you would miss me?~~” “Hah! Not even close! It’s because it’s dark and I’m not trying to get mugged tonight.” “Wow, rude. Maybe I should just run ahead and let you get mugged.”

And with that, he took off, laughing as you struggled to keep up with him. You screamed his name in mock anger, but knew that he would never leave you behind. He eventually feigned exhaustion and slowed down, and the two of you continued home in comfortable silence.

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You woke up groggily to the sound of your alarm blaring across the room. Disheveled, and a little disoriented, you managed to make your way to the outlet where your phone was charging and turned the loud alert off. An audible sigh left your lips as you thought back to the dream you just had.

It’s the asshole’s birthday tomorrow.

You laughed at the irony of it all. This particular memory reminded you of how much faith you once had in him. Never in a million years did you think he would leave you. But he did. One day he was here, the next day he was gone, without a trace. No call, no note, not even a crappy text message to say goodbye. He just left. At first, you were terrified. What if something bad happened to him? Thousands of possibilities ran through your mind––each worse than previous one. But all of that was erased when you talked to Yuta’s neighbor, Ms. Kyoshi, who said that she had seen cardboard boxes being packed into moving trucks just days before. Well, there you had it.  

You wanted to hate him for it, but you could never bring yourself to. Of course you were angry and frustrated, but he had been your best friend for years. Him disappearing so suddenly made you worried more than anything else, and as much as you hated to admit it, you missed him. You couldn’t believe that even after the four years he’d been gone, Nakamoto Yuta was still your weakness.

You were pulled out of your self-loathing when your phone chirped, signaling that you received a message.

Miri: Hey Y/N! Just reminding you that I’m coming to pick you up at 9:30. Be ready!

You checked the time: 7:28. That gave you just enough time to shower, eat breakfast, and double check that you packed everything you needed. Hopefully this trip would distract you from your constant thoughts of Yuta.

“South Korea, here I come!”

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The plane ride from Japan to Korea had been fairly short, and with none of the random delays that you and Miri had prepared for. That left the two of you with the rest of the day in Seoul, and no plans. After arriving at your hotel, you decided to just spend your time walking around the city, perhaps going to Hongdae to experience some of the street life that it was famous for. You found that when on vacation, it was really nice to just “go with the flow” sometimes and not have to keep up with an insanely packed itinerary.

Walking along the streets of Seoul seemed peaceful, despite the bustling of the crowds around you. In fact, the unfamiliar surroundings and large groups of people were what calmed you, keeping your mind off of you-know-who. Every time you or Miri saw a cute store or café you wanted to look at, you didn’t hesitate, using your free time to just browse around. Soon, the two of you found yourselves in a large square with tall buildings and malls. All around, huge ads were flashing on screens, displaying the flawless faces of Korean idols promoting their respective products. You rolled your eyes as you heard Miri squeal.

“Oh my gosh! That’s NCT 127!”

You just hummed in response, not even bothering to look towards the direction she was pointing. You were too distracted by the ice cream stand to your right.

“You know, one of them is from Japan! He’s honestly hella rude.”

“That’s cool.”

Miri scoffed at your dry reply, but continued nevertheless: “His name is Yuta, but he’s not my bias. My bias is Taeyong! He’s the leader and one of the rappers of the group and he’s actually so attractive I cannot-”

But at that point, you had completely tuned her out. As soon as the familiar name escaped her lips, your head snapped towards the ad so quick that you could’ve sworn you almost got whiplash (eheh see what I did there? ;3)

It couldn’t be... could it?

Your eyes frantically scanned the faces of all the members before landing on none other than Nakamoto Yuta.

You felt everything crash around you as huge rushes of emotion rolled through your body. Relief, confusion, frustration, and most of all, anger. Your blood began to boil as you continued to stare at the annoyingly perfect smile you missed for so long. You felt ridiculous for getting mad at the digital image shown on the screen, but he was fine. He seemed to be pretty well off, actually, so what kept him from letting you know where he was and what he was up to?

“Hey, are you okay? Why are you staring at the ad so aggressively?”

You shook your head and just whispered, “Later.” Luckily, she didn’t push, instead nodding in understanding. You let out a dry chuckle. Of all the places you could have visited, you had to visit South Korea. Now, instead of keeping your mind off of Yuta, the trip made you think about him more than ever. You wanted nothing more than to seek him out and scream at him, punch him, kick him, and demand for an explanation. One way or another, you were determined to find Yuta and give him a piece of your mind.

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“WHAT! OH MY GOD! YOU KNEW NAKAMOTO YUTA!”

You sighed and threw a pillow at Miri. “Yes, emphasis on knew. That jerk was my best friend and he just left without saying goodbye.”

“Aw, I’m sorry. I just can’t believe that someone I know, knew someone who I’m watching through computer screens. I didn’t mean to be insensitive.”

You smiled at your friend, signaling that you forgave her. But it was gone as soon as it came as your thoughts returned to Yuta.

“Hey, Miri?” “Yeah, what’s up?” “Do you happen to know where NCT 127 works?” “…yes…why?” “Because Yuta and I need to have a talk.”

To your duress, Miri started squealing, “OH MY GOSH I’M GONNA SEE TAEYONG IN REAL LIFE I’M GOING TO DIE. AHHHH––wait. Y/N, how can you be sure he’s going to talk to you?”

Falling backwards onto the bed, you let out a loud groan. “I don’t know Miri. But if our friendship meant anything to him, he has to speak with me… right?”

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[The Next Day]

It was early…way too early. But in order to make sure that you were in Yuta’s line of sight, you had to get there before the hundreds of crazy fangirls did. You had it all planned out: how you were going to yell out his name, what you were going to say, the hand gestures you were going to use to express your rage––all of it. But as the time passed by, you grew less and less confident.  

“Are we seriously doing this right now?”

Miri’s question mirrored your own thoughts exactly. You bit your lip, unsure about whether or not you should really go through with it. You wanted to follow your plan and boldly call him out, but truthfully, you were nervous. If you were completely honest with yourself, you were actually excited to see him again. It had been years, and you were genuinely curious about how he was doing. Apprehension raced through your veins as your eyes wandered over the sea of fans waiting beside you. The loud bustling that calmed and distracted you earlier was now only igniting your anxiety. Did you really want to have your confrontation so publicly? Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea…

“I don’t know, Miri, maybe we should just le–”

You were cut off by loud squeals emerging from every direction. Instinctively, your eyes lifted as you saw a row of tall, lean bodies exit the van that just pulled up. You couldn’t see their faces yet, but decided that you wanted to run away before that could happen. Tugging on Miri’s shirt, you tried to tell her that it was time to go. Unfortunately, she too was encapsulated by the presence of the idols and failed to notice. You were out of time. You tried to push yourself further into the rowdy crowd, but with so many fans trying to get closer to the front, there was no use. Your early awakening didn’t seem like such a good idea now.

Desperate, you made a last-ditch attempt to hide behind Miri as the idols moved closer, but it was too late. With the turn of your head, you made direct eye contact with Yuta. You felt your body go rigid, staring at the so-familiar yet so-different person in front of you. Yes, it was your childhood best friend, Nakamoto Yuta, but he was slimmer, his facial features were more defined, and his hair was now a light brown. For a second, you let your guard down, expression softening into one of awe. But when you saw the look of recognition on his face––the wide eyes and parted lips––your anger returned once again (ANOTHAA ONE EHEH ;D). His mouth moved to form the syllables of your name.

“Y/N?”

Waves of heat cascaded over you, burning up your face and fueling your anger. If you didn’t know better, you would have claimed that steam was blowing out from your ears. The words you had prepared so intently were long forgotten.

Fuming, you let the first thought that came to mind escape your lips, tone so cold that it sent shivers down Yuta’s spine: 

“Happy birthday, asshole.”

With that, you turned and stormed away. You could hear Miri shouting your name, but you ignored her, feeling the need to be alone for a while. The anger that had consumed you just moments before slipped away into nothingness. Tears that you didn’t know you were holding back started to fall as you recalled the look on his face. He clearly remembered you, and yet he never made an effort to contact you. Did you really mean that little to him?  He was following his dream––you would have understood that. Did he have so little faith in you?

Questions and doubts flooded your brain as you slowly trudged back to the hotel.

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When you finally made it, a worried Miri greeted you at the front door.

“Oh my god, Y/N! I was literally freaking out. One second you were next to me giving death stares to Yuta, the next you were two blocks away and turning all these random corners. I thought you got lost or something!”

You let out a weak chuckle and held up your phone, “Google Maps, remember?”

“Okay, yes, technology is wonderful but still~~you can’t do that to me!” She paused briefly before continuing: “Are you okay?”

“I don’t know. I thought I just wanted to confront him, but seeing him today made me realize that he’s probably better off without me. If I mattered at all to him, he would have put in the effort to contact me. I just want to enjoy this vacation and go home like nothing happened.”

Rather than the words of encouragement you expected, Miri stayed silent. Curious, you looked up at her, only to be met with the nervous lip chewing that she did whenever she felt guilty about something.

(a/n: please excuse the caps, I honestly just didn’t know how to express the volume and franticness of this dialogue any other way lel)

“Miri… what did you do?” “DON’T BE MAD PLEASE! I SWEAR I DIDN’T KNOW YOU FELT THIS WAY BEFORE I INVITED HIM OVER TO––” “YOU WHAT??!!?!” “I’M REALLY SORRY, I THOUGHT YOU STILL WANTED TO YELL AT HIM SO I JUST IMPULSIVELY TOLD HIM WHERE WE WERE STAYING. HE DIDN’T GIVE ME A DIRECT ANSWER THOUGH SO HE STILL MIGHT NOT––“

*KNOCK KNOCK*

“––come…”

Your head dipped down as your fingers went straight to your temples, attempting to rub soothing circles to calm your mind.

This can’t be happening. Please tell me this isn’t happening.

A second series of knocks drew you out of thoughts. A sigh slipped past your lips, “Miri, can you please try to get rid of him? Tell him that I went back to Japan or something; I don’t think i can do this.”

She nodded and immediately turned to answer the door. You could hear the soft dialogue between them, and visibly cringed when Miri actually told Yuta that you flew back to Japan. Unfortunately, to your expectation, Yuta simply pushed passed Miri and began looking for you himself.

“I know you’re in here Y/N. Please, I need to talk to you.”

You couldn’t hold yourself back from snapping, “We have nothing to talk about.”

To your duress, as Yuta entered the room, your breath hitched and your heart skipped a beat.

Damn these stupid emotions.

Miri was two steps behind him, an apologetic look plastered across her face. You gave her your, ‘it’s okay’ look, which she answered by mouthing, “I’m gonna leave now.”

Now it was just you two. You could see the guilt in his posture, eyes never moving away from his fidgety hands as he stood silently. Your gaze shamelessly wandered his face as you began to wonder if this was just a twisted dream. It was hard to believe that Nakamoto Yuta was right in front of you. It seemed like ages before he spoke again.

“I know you’re angry, and you have every right to be. I left, I disappeared without a word, I was selfish. But I’m just gonna have to be selfish one more time. As soon as I saw you among the crowds, I knew I had to give you an explanation. You might not want to hear it, but I have to get this off of my chest. I’m sorry. I promise after this, if you decide you never want to talk to me or see me again, I’ll leave you alone.”

His eyes finally lifted up to your face, and he knew he had you. You left out a sigh and nodded.

“When I auditioned for SM, I didn’t tell anyone. I didn’t want the people around me to expect too much because I truly did not think I was going to get in. But it happened. One day, they just called me, and next I knew I had to pack all my belongings and move to South Korea. They sent an agent to my house the day after I got the call, and he spent all day for the next three days explaining to me all the terms and conditions. When he wasn’t with me, I was packing or visiting family last minute. It was a mess. It was basically 3 AM when I finally had time for myself, and you were always sleeping by then. So of course, I thought, ‘Hey, why don’t I imitate one of those cheesy movies and write an intimate letter?’ But I, being me, woke up late the day of my flight and forgot to stick the damn thing in your mailbox. God, did I mention it was a whole mess?”

You had to bite the inside of your cheek to contain the smile that threatened to break out. You couldn’t help it! Listening to him speak, watching him express himself, you saw the same boy you spent every day with just four years ago.

“Of course you would wait until the last possible minute to give me the letter and forget it.”

Yuta beamed. Hearing one of your sassy, quirky replies again was enough to make his week.

“Exactly! In hindsight, you should have known that I was just being stupid and not disappearing from the face of the Earth.”

You didn’t stop your smile this time.

“Anyways, when I made it to the dorms, they confiscated my cell phone! I asked for it back, but they said it was part of their trainee policy. Obviously I didn’t pay enough attention to the contract when the agent was going over it. But I already signed it so there was nothing I could do about it. I mean, they did let us write letters, but it was only once a month and you already know that my mom would have killed me if I didn’t write to her. The longer and longer it took me to mail a letter to you, the more I thought you’d hate me. I kept making excuses to myself about why I didn’t contact you, but the truth is I was scared you would never want to talk to me again. By the time I finally grew the balls to mail a letter, it was too late. My manager saw the name on the letter and said no.”

“Geez, what does your manager have against me?” you half joked.

“He wasn’t trying to target you specifically. I was already an SMRookie and we were going to debut soon. If anyone found out I was writing to an unknown person... well let’s just say they were afraid of unwanted rumors. Plus, my contract also has this policy about no dating until–”

“Well, what’s that got to do with me?”

“I–”

You couldn’t help but swell with pride when Yuta’s face turned tomato red, a smirk playing on your lips.

“I-I mean, uhm, w-we’re around the same age, ya know? And like... and they could assume? Or, uh.. or something... yeah.”

The mischief that gleamed in your eyes was replaced by a much more lighthearted amusement.

You’re too damn cute for your own good.

“Well, that’s not the point! The point is, I missed you. A lot. And I’d really like to hang out with you again. Please? Maybe grab a coffee or something?”

“And what about the dating rumors? Aren’t you afraid what the company will say?”

“I think it’d be fine if I just explained our friendship. We’ve been idols for a while now. And technically, they can’t stop me anymore because that the time period in which that part of the contract already was valid has already passed.”

You gnawed at your bottom lip, wondering if you should accept his offer. You really did miss him, and seeing him here in front of you, dorky as ever, made you miss him even more. Should you stay strong and let him go? Or abandon your pride have him in your life again? All it took was one look at his puppy dog eyes to convince you to give into your weakness. 

“Ok. Let’s go.”

[myheartislookingforyoualways]

03.11.2021

Dear G,

I go through the same days now. I wake up from a dream about you. I lie in bed and think about you. I read my affirmations. I think about you. I get up and go pee. I think about you. I brush my teeth. I think about you. I journal about my sobriety progress. I think about you. I have a shower. I think about you. I put some music on. I think about you. I go to get my kids for school. I think about you. I eat some breakfast. I think about you. I get dressed for the day. I think about you. I go down the hallway to the elevator. I think about you. I get in the elevator. i think about you. I cross the parkade. I think about you. I get in my car. I think about you. I drive into my day and my life. I think about you.  Dreaming its you and me and there isn’t the terrible ending that we had. Or its something made up. Or if I’m really lucky my brain lets me experience some sort of memory of us. The other day I was dreaming about the time we went to that beach in Toronto and my car almost broke down. Except it wasn’t Toronto and we never left the beach and it was just us. Then I wake up and I realize you’re gone, you’re really gone, and in so many ways than just being 5000 or so kilometres away. I think of how I used to roll over and say to you good morning beautiful. Or I think of how you would try to wake me up and eventually you would succeed. Or I think of how I used to lay beside you and start rubbing your hips and kiss your neck and squeeze your little belly. So many things and times we had in the washroom together. I just always think about how I would lay my head in your lap when you went pee. Or how you would watch me when I went pee. Or how you would always ask me what I was doing and I would say going to the washroom and you would say aww my poopy bb. I remember watching you put your makeup on and kissing you from behind. Brushing our teeth together before we would go to bed. I’d always get your toothbrush for you and put toothpaste on it for you. Or how you would always tell me you cleaned the washroom and it was so nice and I would say thank you so much. You would scold me when I didn’t put the things away under the sink. How your stuff was so organized with the bathroom shelf dividers we bought from Ikea for you on one of our trips there. I think about all our showers that we had together. I think about washing your perfect brown body. I think about kissing you in the shower and peeing on you. I think about how you would wash my body too. I remember getting cold and trading the shower water stream with you. Playing music in the shower and singing and being silly together. Fucking in the shower. Fucking in the shower but going to the bed because it was better. How we always used to ask each other how our outfits were. That one time that I asked you if I was the most stylish boyfriend you’ve ever had. How we always had soo much laundry that we never folded. Sometimes we would just sleep with it. How you had so many sexy little panties and I would always want to smell them. How you would touch your pussy and I would whimper for it wanting to smell it too. The hallway where you would always shush me for being too loud when talking. For the longest time I would always have to guess at the key at our door. One day you got frustrated and told me to use some of your nail polish to know which key I had. I gave you the key to my place the very first week. I asked you to come stay and much as you wanted to. I really wanted you here all the time and I considered it your place too. Soo many times in the elevator kissing you grabbing you hugging you laughing with you. Going to or from places together. Living our lives together. Loving each other. The emergency press assistance button where we always used to put your Sapporo beer before going somewhere. How we would always snap coming back and you were a little drunk and dancing and we were both being so silly. I think of all the times we drove somewhere together and we would hold hands. I see you everywhere. I think of you no matter where I am. Everything in this city reminds me of you and us and our life together. Even when I’m not thinking of you the most random thing will just remind me of you, something we did together, the feelings I had at the time. Everything reminds me of you. I just spend my day going through these daydreams. I feel sad at the situation we’re in now because of me and my addictions that forced you to let go and leave. But you’re not gone at all. You’re still here in my heart and my mind.

I spend hours just going through our photos. In the process of doing that I’ve gone through and started editing my photos. Alot of really good photos that I’m now just starting to go through. I spend hours doing that when I come home. Was doing that just now. Even that reminds me of you. You always used to tell me that I was really good. I always liked helping you with your school work too . It does give me some sort of peace for awhile though, editing old photos, I go through them and remember each and every moment I took them. A lot of those pictures and alot of those moments are in relation to you, whether or not you’re in the picture, whether or not you were there with me. It doesn’t matter, it was always you. I’ve started two different instagram accounts to put all these pictures somewhere and since they’re in relation to you of course I’ve made both of these accounts about you and me and us. You’re gone now but doing these things every day gives me some sort of peace, some sort of reason to keep moving forward and not get stuck on the fact that I lost you and you’re gone. There is only you. There only ever was you. There will only ever be you. I just want you always. I will always love you. I will wait for you to come back. If its forever that’s ok with me. I will. I’m sorry that I pushed you too much with my VSCO and Spotify yesterday. I realize now that no matter what you were saying to me and talking to me about on your Tumblr and Twitter and VSCO and even Spotify I shouldn’t have pushed back on you so hard. I really just have to let you go now. Let you do you. I’m going to do me. I’ll have hope that one day we can be together again. But that day isn’t anytime soon just yet. No amount of pushing will change your mind now. You’re angry upset hurt and you probably don’t even want to see or hear from me right now. I can only say to you that i will continue to do all the things I’m doing but I will give you the space on those platforms that you need now. I really was destroyed when you took down and deleted all those posts and reblogs and VSCO collection things. There is nobody in my life, there is only you and there will only ever be you. It doesn’t matter if I’m with you or not. I just want you and nobody else. That will always be the case. 

The one thing that really brought a light to my day today was one thing though. After all that self hatred, self anger, desperation last night after reading your Tumblr post I was just so low. I went to bed and told myself I wouldn’t look at your socials until tomorrow. Today I had my first traditional healing session as a part of my outpatient program. I don’t know how much I got from it but it did help me stay focused and centred. After that I did check on your VSCO once because I wanted to see one thing. I wanted to see if you still had the miss you xx post that I sent to you in December. I wanted to see if you deleted that. I didn’t want to find out but I forced myself to. It was still there. You didn’t delete it. The picture that I sent you that you posted on Christmas Day with the caption xx. The picture that I later posted myself later after seeing you that last time in my car in front of E’s place. Where i begged you to stay and gave you that promise ring. My caption was until I see you again xx. That one post that tied us together meant so much seeing that and its keeping me going. I feel that so much. I know that we are always talking to each other somehow because I just know us. I know that for some reason you didn’t delete that post. It means everything to me and that post is how I really feel. It’s how I felt when I took the picture and I sent it to you. Its how I felt when I posted it the day before you got on a plane and left. Its how i feel now and will always feel. Until the day that I see you again. 

I go through your VSCO gallery and I feel every single picture that you’ve posted. I know each and every picture intimately. I’ve either seen them, been somewhere off the camera, or you’ve sent them to me before posting them. Sometimes it the fact that the picture was taken in the place we used to call home. You look so perfect taking selfies in our mirror. I just want to jump into the pictures. Other times there pictures of a moment that you shared with me like on the plane to back home or on the beach before or after surfing. Or maybe it was the trips you took with your parents. Or a snapshot of your life where you are back now again. Some pictures are of our moments together, our dates, our times together, our happiest and brightest moments together. A few of the pictures are even pictures that I took and sent to you.  Alot of them are the flowers that I bought you. It doesn’t matter that nobody else really knows all the life behind each photo. I do. Your gallery represents a life that i used to be apart of and I life that I so desperately want back to. If I ever make it back to you and us I’ll splash you all across my social media with wild abandon. I’ll be the happiest man in the universe. For now I’ll just watch you from afar and I’ll always wait until that day and until I see you again. 

The last message you sent me on VSCO was I love u more. VSCO doesn’t keep time stamps on the messages. It doesn’t matter. I’m never going to delete that message. One day I hope you message me that again. Until then I’ll wait.

I love you

I will wait as long as it takes

If that is forever that is fine with me

I want you and only you

Always

Forever 

And

A

Day

[xyriath]

Hung Up on You

Ship: Roy/Ed

Rating: PG-13 for pottymouth Ed

Summary: Colonel Edward Elric is pleased to have snapped up the latest alchemical genius to join the military, but for reasons more than his abilities.  And though Roy Mustang may be a looker, he's got an adorable awkwardness to him that Ed just wants to...

Well, eat up.

Notes: VERY VERY VERY VERY BELATED BIRTHDAY PRESENT FOR MY DARLING @gettibucket THAT TOOK FOR GODDAMN EVER TO FINISH BUT I HOPE U LIKE BB!!!!!

—

��Boss?”

Ed chewed on the end of the pen, the words vaguely penetrating his concentration as he stared at the capelet obnoxiously obscuring his vision.  His eyes narrowed slightly, and he wondered, if he asked to borrow it…

“Boss.”

Ed finally tore his eyes away from that regrettably covered ass, removing the pen from his mouth and dragging his gaze over to Havoc, grimacing.

“What?”

Havoc glanced in the direction that Ed had just been ogling, raising an eyebrow and lowering his voice.  “Could you be any more obvious?”

“Probably,” Ed deadpanned back, utterly unrepentant.  “Have you seen him when he talks to me?  I haven’t seen someone trip over their own two feet so much since Elicia was learning to walk.”

Havoc rolled his eyes, and Ed muttered, “Insubordination!”  This didn’t save him from the file slapping down onto his desk, and with a sigh, Ed opened it.

“Time to get a different view of him, then.  Also, your own damn secretary.  I’m tired of delivering papers for you.”

“It’s just ‘cause you look so good when you walk in,” Ed shot back without much force, skimming the papers.  Idly, he wondered if it were his skill with alchemy or the laid-back nature of his team that had kept him from getting nailed with fraternization accusations in the past few years. Probably both.  He clicked his tongue, then looked back up.

“Hey, Mustang!”

The newest member of his team straightened from where he had been searching through the bookshelf, turning to face Ed, eyes wide at the force of the statement.

“Colonel?”  Mustang even saluted.  Adorable.

Ed beckoned him over with two crooked fingers, raising an eyebrow.  For someone eight years Ed’s senior, the man had a remarkably difficult time making eye contact with him.  And only him: Havoc, Fuery, Breda, Falman, Ross; Mustang seemed to be fine with them, but the moment he came within a few feet of Ed…

Like Ed had said.  Not very subtle.

“I’ve got some questions from the higher-ups about the history you provided. Sounds to me like you’ve been everywhere.”  He flicked through the folder.  “I think they wanna know if you’ve got connections or something.  Know people there.  East City in particular, apparently.   Looks like you might be in the running for a special mission.  Who the fuck knows?”

Mustang shifted in his seat, then glanced down at his knees, hands twisting in his lap.  “I don’t think I can be of much help there, sir.  I’ve been to most places across Amestris, yes, but that was with my father.  I grew up traveling with him, and we never stayed anywhere long.  I would mostly stay in the hotel rooms we rented, and certainly never got a chance to speak with anyone.”

Ed glanced back down at the file, twirling a bang around an automail finger.  That certainly explained plenty.  No wonder he could barely hold a conversation.  Or flirt properly.  He toyed briefly with the idea of reining it in.  He’d keep an eye out for any signs to back off, but when Ed glanced back up, Mustang’s eyes had fixed on the hand.  As soon as he realized Ed had spotted him, however, he flushed and turned away.

…So maybe not.  Ed smirked slightly.

“Well, you’ll get plenty of opportunity to travel in more favorable conditions if you want.”  Ed snapped the file shut with an air of finality.  “So, onto other matters.  You’ve heard about Lieutenant Ross’s promotion?”

Mustang nodded, turning back to Ed, seeming to relax now that he wasn’t the topic of conversation.  Well, he should enjoy it for the couple seconds it lasted.  “To First Lieutenant, yes?”

“Yeah, that’s it.”  Ed leaned back in his chair, his expression innocent.  So innocent, in fact, that any of the rest of his team could have spotted trouble a mile away.  “I’m taking the team out to drinks tonight to celebrate.  All on me.  You should join us.”

“Join—me?”  Mustang drew back, looking a little alarmed.  “You shouldn’t go through the trouble—”

Ed waved his hand.  “Nonsense.  You’re part of the team, aren’t you?   Everyone else is coming.  Nice chance to socialize a little more.”

He grinned, and he could see Mustang hesitate.  “You mean that?” he asked, and the combination of wariness and hope in his voice startled Ed, prompting a small jumping sensation in his chest that he hadn’t expected.  But then again, he shouldn’t be surprised: going from a life of isolation like Mustang had described straight into a team that he had been built on camaraderie had to be a jarring shift.

“Of course,” he said firmly, grinning, and this time he could feel the sincerity shining through instead of the smirk.  “I know we’d all like to see you here.  Me especially.”

At that, Mustang went an adorable shade of pink, glancing away and trying to look unaffected.

Ed’s smirk returned.

—

Though Ed ended up working late, too late to go back home to change, he always kept a few spare sets of clothes in his office.  More importantly, he always kept a spare set of absolutely, completely work inappropriate clothes alongside them.

When he stepped into the bar, he knew he turned heads.  It might be the golden hair, freshly brushed and tied in a high ponytail, bangs framing a dark face with matching golden eyes.  It might be the hint of eyeliner, smudged underneath those eyes, or the sleeveless red shirt that showed off his arms, one tanned and muscled, the other silver and gleaming in the low light.

Or, it might be the tight black leather pants.  Who knew?

Ross, Havoc, Breda, and even Fuery had dressed to similar effects, knowing the bar and its unofficial dress code, though Ed probably pushed the boundaries a bit more than them.  Falman had gone for safe.  Mustang had opted for a suit, but…

Well, he certainly didn’t wear it the way Ed expected.

Instead of neatly pressed and buttoned, it hung open, the white collared shirt underneath unbuttoned just enough to leave you curious about what would happen if you popped it open one more.  He had shoved the dark sleeves up to reveal a really, really nice set of forearms, by virtue of belonging to Roy fucking Mustang.  His hair, messy as ever, fell into eyes that the dim light of the bar seemed to make even darker.

It all culminated in a rumpled effect that, somehow, unbelievably, managed to convey ‘effortless sex on legs.’

Formerly smug and confident in his own appearance, the sight quickly sent Ed into a tailspin of no fucking fair!

“Colonel!”

Despite the look, Mustang didn’t seem to be much different.  He straightened, eyes wide, and tried to salute.  Noticing the drink in his hand, Ed’s left hand darted out to clasp around his wrist, stopping him from lifting it before he spilled.

“Calm down, soldier,” he teased, offering a careless grin in Roy’s direction.  “No need for formality here.  Hell, you can even call me Ed.  The rest of them do.  Mostly.”

Roy swallowed, nodding as he lowered his drink, glancing at Ed’s hand on his with mild alarm.  Ed admired the flush that crept up his cheeks for a few moments before releasing it.

“Then I suppose,” he murmured, voice soft, but the glance he shot Ed as he looked up was anything but, “you should call me Roy?  While we’re off-duty, of course.”

Ed grinned brightly over at him, and something tiny in Roy seemed to relax at having read the situation correctly.  He lifted his drink to take another sip, and Ed didn’t miss the slight lack of coordination in the movement.

“How many have you had?” Ed asked, trying to restrain his face back into something that wasn’t a smirk.  Roy glanced up from over the rim of the glass, then lowered it.

“This is my first one.”

Ed snorted softly, then leaned over to the bar, watching Roy out of the corner of his eye as he ordered a drink for himself.  Roy didn’t miss the opportunity to glance at the assets displayed in the leather pants. Good.  He needed a confidence booster.

“Better watch it, then.” He took the drink offered, a real Risembool Moonshine—one of the many reasons he chooses this place to frequent—and turned back to Roy, who looked faintly indignant.

“I’m not drunk!” he protested.

“No, but you look like you might be soon.”  Ed took a sip, grinning at the apple pie aftertaste that chased the burning.  Perfect.  “Y’know, for someone way bigger than me and all your limbs, I have a feeling I’m gonna end up outdrinking you.”

Roy scoffed, but of course Ed’s words prompted jeering from Breda and Havoc, demanding a drinking contest.  Ross put a halt to that, insisting that they could get smashed once she’d had a chance to squeeze several more drinks out of Ed.

“Glad to know you guys keep me around for a reason,” he retorted, swigging the moonshine when she grinned innocently over at him.

In the end, it didn’t even take a drinking contest.  Just three drinks with… slight strength.

“Y-you see, it’s not about the fire!” Roy chattered, hands waving animatedly as Havoc and Ed stared at him intently.  “It’s the—the damn oxygen!  You just gotta… y’know.”  He waved his hand again, this time dismissively. “You gotta control that.  And when you… uh…”

He frowned in concentration, and Ed lifted two fingers, placing them against his lips with a grin.

“Now, now, don’t go around sharin’ your secrets.  It’s bad form, and y’never know when someone’ll try to grab ‘em and usurp you.  Or use ‘em for evil.  Whichever bugs you the most.”

Roy’s eyes went wide, and he froze.  “My god, you’re right.  There could be spies anywhere!  Drachman spies!”

His lips moved against Ed’s fingers, and Ed couldn’t help but laugh.  He reached over instead to pat Roy’s shoulder.  “Somethin’ like that, yeah.  Don’t worry, I’ll take care of you.”

Roy nodded solemnly, hilariously so, then lifted his hands to take Ed’s, the one on his shoulder, and held it to his chest, staring down at Ed with an intensity that left even his heart almost stuttering.

“This… this is why ‘m so glad I got you,” he murmured, eyes burning.  “’Cause you know this shit.  You’re… you’re damn brilliant, and so good, even when you were younger—shit, I can’t believe I was this lucky.  And my god, you’re gorgeous, too, and I just…”  He shook his head, stepping closer with a wobble.  “Could I kiss you?  God, I wanna kiss you.  But…”  He let Ed’s hand fall, looking suddenly heartbroken.  “But that would be seducing a superior officer, wouldn’ it?  Shit,” he groaned.

Ed stared at him, jaw dropping, trying to suddenly come to terms with the fact that, yes, he had just heard those words leaving Roy’s mouth.

Havoc seemed to have made himself scarce.

“Well, I mean, if you’re concerned about that sort of thing,” Ed said carefully, refraining from mentioning that he had never given a terrible amount of fucks about fraternization.  Though he would eagerly say yes to this in a heartbeat, he hadn’t expected it to come across as a drunk confession, and that made navigating the already tricky waters of consent even harder.   He hadn’t made the first movement for a reason, after all.  No need to put pressure on Roy.  He wasn’t interested in this unless Roy wanted it, too.

“And do you?”

Ed leaned back, tilting his head, and this time, Roy wasn’t even subtle with the way his eyes dragged up the dark skin of his neck.

“Tell you what, Roy.  You still feel the same way tomorrow, sober, ask me then.”  Ed smirked.  “Alone, preferably.”

Roy’s eyes went wide, and Ed didn’t know what mental image he had conjured up, but it seemed to be a very nice one indeed.  He held this expression for a moment, then looked crestfallen again, and Ed winced, feeling as if he had kicked a puppy.

“So I can’t kiss you now?”

Despite the very, very tempting mournful look from those beautiful dark eyes, Ed took a step back, smiling wryly.

“No, Roy.  Not yet.”

—

Havoc insisted, nursing a hangover with a book spread open over his eyes, that one day, Ed was going to be too old to drink that much moonshine before coming into work the next morning.  Ed, bright-eyed and chipper, flipped him off with a loud “Fuck you, Lieutenant!” at a pitch and volume that left Havoc wincing.

Ross seemed to be faring a little better, while Breda seemed as untouched as Ed.  Roy… well, Ed couldn’t exactly tell how Roy was feeling, not with how his face was buried in an atlas.

“Taking me up on that chance to travel, Mustang?” Ed called, shuffling through his paperwork and then organizing it in chronological order (where it had previously been in alphabetical) to make it look like he was doing something.

Mustang only made a quiet noise, not looking up, and Breda snorted.

“Told him he shouldn’t bother, but he’s apparently doing that one assignment you got from General Hawkeye.  You know, mapping out those latest alchemical incidents, which you were supposed to do to see if there was a pattern?  The one she wanted last week?”

Ed went still.  Oh, yeah, that had been a thing, but honestly, he had things due that were way later than a week.  He’d face her wrath later.

“Any luck?”

“Some, sir,” Mustang murmured, still not looking up, reaching out to take another pin and place it in a spot that seemed to be southwest of Central.  “Nothing concrete yet, though.”

“That’s not what he said a half hour ago,” Ross murmured, placing the open folder of her weapons certification on his desk.  “Sounded like he was close to cracking it.”

“Mmm.”  Ed signed with a flourish.  “Y’don’t say.”  He lifted his voice. “Havoc, go get some coffee, and do some actual work for a change.  And take a babysitter if you’re not sure you won’t get distracted.”

“Guess that means me,” Breda broke in, stepping over and scooping his arm through Havoc’s.  “C’mon.”

“But boss!” Havoc whined, letting himself be led away.  “This is the only place I can sleep without getting yelled at!”

“I’ll start yelling if you don’t leave me alone.”  He handed the folder back to Ross.  “High-pitched.  Singing, even, and you’ve heard me sing.”

Havoc made a terrified noise.  “Oh, god.  Get me outta here, Heymans.”

“Go find a supply closet to sleep in like the rest of us!” Ed called after them.

Ross let out a soft snort, tucking the folder under her arm.  “Is that what you use supply closets for, sir?” she muttered.

Ed turned, eyebrows raised, expression innocent, and said archly, “Not anymore I don’t.  Not with my office.”

Ross wrinkled her nose.  “And with that, I am leaving.  I’ll see you later, Colonel.  And by later I mean, as far away from this moment as I can justify.”

The door clicked behind her, and Ed lifted his head. His team had their flaws, sure, but they at least knew when to exit a room.

It took Roy several minutes to realize that they were alone.

He lifted his head, glancing around, eyes going wide as they took in the empty room.  Slowly, so very slowly, they slid over to Ed, then quickly looked away.

Ed sighed, standing, then walked over in Roy’s direction.  “I don’t bite, you know.”  He paused, considering, then tilted his head.  “Unless you want me to.”

Roy let out a panicked choke, shoving suddenly away from the atlas, then turning to cough frantically into his arm.  When he finished, he turned back to Ed, looking up at him with a mournful, almost panicked expression.

“I… last night, I was absolutely… I shouldn’t have…  I’m so sorry—”

Ed winced.  He didn’t usually feel guilty about this sort of thing, but most parties were usually both on the same page about what they wanted, too.  He reached out, gently taking Roy’s shoulders, trying to smile reassuringly.

“Hey, hey.  Look, it’s okay.  I’m not upset.  How much d’you remember?  All of it?”

Looking away again, Roy nodded once.

“Then hey, that’s somethin’.  I’m not upset.  Hell, couldn’t be further from it.  You don’t gotta be embarrassed.  I meant what I said, too.  If you actually still want anything, you just gotta tell me.  But if not, you say so, right now, and we’ll both forget this ever happened.”  Ed’s smile crooked up on one side.  “Deal?”

At that, Roy seemed to remember how to breathe, and he nodded slowly.  Ed didn’t miss the relief flooding his face, and he dropped his hands from his shoulders, congratulating himself on a crisis averted.

…Maybe.  As a blush crept back up Roy’s face, Ed wondered what it was this time.

Roy cleared his throat, head turning further away, the same way he did when Ed flirted a little too blatantly.

“What’s up?” Ed asked, eyebrow raising.

Roy shifted in his seat for a few more moments, but Ed let him think.  His patience rewarded him with a shy but hopeful glance upwards.

“…So, when you say you meant what you said, you mean…”

“I mean,” Ed finished for him as it became clear that the trailing off wasn’t likely to start back up again, “that if you wanna kiss, I’d be happy to, but if you don’t, we can forget about it.”

“No!”  Roy sat bolt upright, dark eyes widening again, and this time they met Ed’s.  “No, that’s not what I…”  He cleared his throat, then swallowed. Though his blush deepened, he didn’t look away this time.  “That’s not what I want.”

Ed tilted his head, trying not to let the grin inside him split too quickly over his face, scare Roy off.  “So what’s the problem?”

“I… well, fraternization, for one.  Well, for all. That’s the main problem.  I know we’re not supposed to, and since you’re my commanding officer…”

Ed nodded.  “Yeah, I can get how that might be concerning, and that’s why I’m sayin’ you can step away now, if you want.  Or whenever.  You could—well, you could say yes today and tell me to fuck off tomorrow and I’d get it.  No pressure.”

“But the rules?”

Ed snorted.  “Yeah, there are those.  And we’d be breakin’ them.  If that’s a problem, again, you can tell me to fuck off.”

“N-no!”  Roy sat up at that, eyes gleaming with… was that excitement?

Ed finally let himself grin.

“You like that?” he murmured, leaning in, eyes beginning to gleam as well, he knew.  “The idea of it bein’ a secret?  Never struck me much as a rulebreaker, Major Mustang.”

“I’m not!” Roy gasped, but the expression on his face of suppressed excitement said otherwise.

“Can’t fool me,” Ed murmured, leaning in so close that their noses almost touched.  “Now, I just have one last question—”

Roy, of course, ruined his smooth delivery of, ‘Can I kiss you now?’ by leaning in with a gasp and pressing his mouth against Ed’s.

It wasn’t even a particularly skilled kiss, a little harsh, a little clumsy, but something about the eagerness, the earnestness, that sent a thrill deeper into his bones than anything from a more experienced partner could have.  He lifted his left hand to gently take Roy’s jaw, tilting it up and slightly to the side, correcting the angle.  Once Roy seemed to have the hang of that, he slid the hand around to the back of Roy’s neck, sliding his fingers up through that dark hair, softer even than he’d fantasized about.

Roy’s lips parted slightly underneath his, and he took the opportunity to flick a tongue out, just a tiny bit, to tease at pressing inside.

With a gasp, Roy jumped back, eyes wider than Ed had ever seen them, blush an attractive crimson color.

“Sorry,” Ed murmured, but his smirk dampened the apology.  “Should I not have done that?”

“No!” Roy gasped.  “I mean, yes, that was—you should have.  Should.  Do.   Still.”  He cleared his throat, reaching his hand up to straighten his hair.

“Noted.”  Ed said the word easily, then turned on his heel, walking briskly towards the door.  With one quick motion, he locked it.

When he turned back, Roy had stood, watching him, a combination of eagerness and nervousness that forced Ed to bite his lip to keep from fucking losing it.

“S-sir—”

“Roy,” Ed breathed, striding over in a few long steps, reaching up to straighten his hands down his chest.   “When we’re like this, call me Ed.”

Roy’s hands lifted to lightly grip Ed’s waist, and Ed grinned, sharklike.  This was going to be fun.

“All right.”  Roy swallowed, and Ed admired the bob of his throat as he did.  “Ed.”

“Perfect,” Ed breathed, and with an experienced twist, he pushed Roy back towards his desk.  Roy followed, a little alarmed and very surprised, until the backs of his thighs hit the wood.  He paused, clearly thinking Ed would stop there, and then let out an alarmed yelp as an automail hand pressed into his chest, tipping him back onto the desk.

Ed leaned over him, bracing that hand next to his head, grinning as their noses actually touched this time.

“Ed, what are you…”

“Please, Roy,” Ed drawled, pressing his left finger to Roy’s lips, then leaning in to kiss him, long and slow.  “Please.  I can tell you’ve got a lot to learn, and it’s about time we get started.”

[myheartislookingforyoualways]

03.17.2021

Dear G,

Back home after a long day. I’m drinking tea from your G mug that u never took with you. This morning I checked your Twitter and Tumblr. Nothing really new there today. I guess I was disappointed. But of course, its not like its really a conversation between you and me on those platforms, it just feels that way to me now. I guess the morning of my day was good again. Put in the self care work. Leg day today. Wasn’t the same without you here doing it without me. I got my pre going, put on some Reggaeton so loud. Just wanted to get into the zone. Our property manager came knocking. She had to yell. I guess it was really loud and somebody complained. I told her no problem but i also told her last night the neighbours next door were fighting. The lady threw all the guys stuff in the hallway and was slamming the door. I told her that. Guess we’re not that couple anymore. We’re not a couple at all anymore. When I just wrote that I thought of that. I miss us. I miss us so much. I catch myself talking to you nowadays, which is really just talking to myself. I miss your voice so much. I miss hearing you and seeing you and touching you. At least ten times through the day I’ll think of something about you and I’ll just whine to myself and say bb come home come home peash. But I know that’s not really possible and you can’t really hear me. 

The day was good. I kept pushing through my workout. Got the whole thing done. Feels good getting back into a healthy routine. Going strong now with the working out, running and eating right. I’m doing it. It’s going to stick. Got another day tomorrow then a rest day. Yeah its not the same without you of course. You didn’t take your yellow protein shaker with you either. Every little thing that you either didn’t want to take, forgot to take, or just didn’t have the time or space to take I keep like cherished artifacts now. I think I’m going to start fixing the place up more like how I always wanted to do when you were still here and we were still together. I want to get more artwork for the walls. I’ll keep the sticky things for you in case you ever want them. I guess you couldn’t take those things down. 

Went for a run today too. It was alot warmer and not as windy. So I went all the way down to where we used to run to. You know that place, where I would always touch the wall. I thought about jumping up and touching the branches, smacking your butt. I miss being silly with you. I miss making you laugh and seeing you smile. I miss running alongside you. I miss our little sessions together. You know everything we did was just so perfect. I don’t think it ever really mattered what we did as long as I was doing it with you. 

Then I started working. I haven’t done anymore long shifts. I am spending my days now taking care of myself and putting in the work to better myself. It’s bittersweet though. I can’t help but think each and every day of the time that you spent working on yourself when you went back home for the holidays. You would get so excited talking about your counselling sessions, we would talk about what you were working through. You would discuss you and me and shed some light on our previous toxic behavoirs in the past. You were so hopeful and full of optimism. I would always listen to you and offer my own take. I wish I wasn’t so full of shit back then. You would always ask me how is my sobriety and what is my plan. How do I plan on not just staying sober. Just not doing drugs and alcohol is not a plan and even if it was it would fail. It fails because there is no replacement of negative behavoiurs with positive ones. I wish I wasn’t so full of shit and dishonest with myself back then. It hurts me now to think of you back down there, putting in the work, putting in your time, doing the self care, thinking that I’m doing it up here. Meanwhile I was just being dishonest with myself and with you and sinking deeper into my active addiction. All complete nonsense. At some point I just gave up and gave in. I was just telling myself that I would start soon. Soon. Soon. Soon. Soon. Looking back on it now I just cringe at the absolute insanity of my choices during that time that you were away. More drugs is only more drugs. More is never less. I would bargain with myself, and lie to myself about my usage. Then I would just pretend like everything was ok with myself. I would tell myself this is normal and there was nothing wrong and I could manage this way, go on this way. Then I would just omit all that from you. Lying by omission. How I wish I had of just looked at myself in the mirror for just a minute and saw myself for what I really was just for a second. A lying active drug addict that was just getting deeper and deeper into it. It’s bittersweet because of all the times that I cried, begged, moaned, pleaded, asked for forgiveness with myself and with you, I just at some point gave up. I gave up on myself. I gave up on my happiness. I gave up on being sober. I gave up on us at that point in time to. Not directly. But by telling myself could control it, I gave up my control to the drugs and my choices started being controlled and guided by getting and keeping more drugs. It’s bittersweet because I’m starting now with this work. But you’re already gone and there’s nobody but me here when I come home at night. There’s no notifications on my phone. There’s nobody to wake up to. There’s no plans for anything. It’s just me and my actions and my plans for how I want to live my life.

It’s hard not to be hard on myself about these things. Especially when it’s late at night and I’m already missing you so much. My emotional and mental strength starts to go away the later it gets and I start to think of all these things, and I start to think of you, and I start to think of where exactly I did it wrong, and I start to think about the last few days before you left.  But I know and I always tell myself that I am doing it now, and I would have had to do this no matter what, whether or not you were here with me or no. I also tell myself that I have to do this for myself and I want to do it for myself because nobody else is going to do this for me. I also tell myself to do it right now with every choice I make. Only choices that are consistent with the change I want to see in myself. Only choices that are consistent with the person I want to become. Thinking doesn’t make you who you are. I’m a few decades past my philosophy student days and I finally see the conceit in the classic ‘ I think therefore I am’ trope. I don’t believe that at all anymore. Thinking doesn’t make me who I am. I can think whatever I want for as long as I want. Doing makes me who I am. Making different choices than the ones I’ve trained myself to do for so long is what I’m in the business of doing right now. Right now. If not now, then when? I’m more terrified of never becoming the person I want to be than failing at it. I have to do this. Then I start to get so sad though because of the cost it took to get here. It cost me everything. I paid for it with us. You had to leave because you couldn’t stay. I wanted us and I still do. But you’re gone now and I have to carry on and face this. I just tell myself that every day. Then when the day turns to night I have to tell myself that alot more because as it wears on I get more desperate. I whine and I whimper and I cry for you as I’m driving around this city endlessly in circles. Not just my car, but my brain and my heart to. I try to be as kind to myself as I can. I try to think of what you would say to me and how you would be kind to me, as you always were.

I have so much excitement, fear, nervousness anxiety, hope, and a million other emotions wrapped up in the thought of the day when I finally email you. I’m excited and anxious thinking about it. I can’t even begin to think of what I would say, how I would say it, when I would write it. I start to think about what I will write then I second guess myself. I get nervous thinking about how exactly I will write it. I get nervous thinking about what you will think of what i wrote. I just keep telling myself to stay here right now. Day by day. Don’t worry about that. That will come when its time. Just worry about today. But I can’t help it sometimes. I daydream about it. I’m just going to write you from my heart I’ve decided. That’s all I can do. I’m just going to tell you exactly how I feel as I always have. But then I get scared. What if that’s not enough? What if you don’t want to even hear it? What if you just don’t want to ever hear from me at all? What if you don’t want to see me again? What if you are over me and you moved on? What if you’re never going to come back and I just lost the love of my life? It goes on and on and on and on. I have to accept that all things are possible. I have absolutely no control, and I never did, about how you will react and proceed when I reach out to you finally. I have to just accept whatever and however you choose to respond and react. I also tell myself too that given that all things are possible it could also be entirely different. It could be a entirely different outcome. It could be the blessing and the wish that I have hoped for every day. But then I stop there too. Good or bad. Whatever happens when I do finally reach out to you. I have to stay here and now. Day by by. Hour by hour. Minute by minute. Squarely focussed on the here and now. I do see us being together in the end. You are the love of my life. I will always love you and want to be with you. You are my last love and the only person I will ever love for the rest of my life. But that’s just me and my feelings and my desires. Yours are yours. I have to accept that I don’t know what you want now and I don’t know what you will want when I reach out to you. No matter how desperate I am, no matter how much I cry, beg, plead, or anything . No matter what. I gotta let go of that and focus on here and now.

Coincidentally, tonight I think you accidentally FT audio called me. I got so excited and nervous when you did. Saw it right away on my phone while driving. Nobody calls me anyways. But i saw it. My heart skipped a beat. Then you hung up .Probably only lasted for about a half second. I got really sad. I kept looking at my recents and your name in the red missed call colour. I thought about calling you back for the longest time. I really wanted to . Had my thumb on your number. But then I didn’t because I knew if I called you now what would I say? I would tell you I love you and I miss you and I want us back. But I’m sure you already know that. I’m going to keep on this right now and I’ going to email as i said I would before. I’m thinking of you all the time but I’m also thinking of me. 

I’m very tired now my love. It was another day done. I hope you’re dreaming of me. I want to dream of you so badly.

I love you

I miss you

I love you

I miss us

Goodnight my love

xx